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What is this behaviour called?

(26 Posts)
haveaquestionplease Sun 28-Apr-13 10:13:08

Ok have spotted a pattern emerging in DH behaviour and wondered if it had a name.
So if he wants a situation to happen that he knows I will not like he does this:
Kicks off at me on some random point and gets nasty (not violent) with me, we have a row because this argument has come out of nowhere.
He then attributes the row to something and gives me the worst case scenario as what will have to happen.
I then retreat and mull over this situation and come to terms with it.
Then he 'makes up with me' and says he has come up with a better solution, (albeit one that I would still hate but still better than worst case scenario) thus he has saved the day!
I accept this second scenario as better than the first one and we get on with life.

The upshot being that the second scenario was always going to be what he suggested but now he has reframed it so I see the second scenario as a good thing because it isn't as bad as the first. Albeit he gets what he wants without the resistance that would have come from me had he just suggested the second scenario in a normal setting because it has been buried in the drama of the argument.

It sounds crazy but I have noticed this behaviour emerging and it's almost like a script.

I wonder if it had a name and yes I know I need to LTB.

something2say Sun 28-Apr-13 10:15:18

Manipulation.
Be honest and open in the face of it.
Best case, he learns to use the front door.
Worst case, he doesn't.
You can then choose.
Notwithstanding your respect for him, or the dwindling thereof of course.

Schlock Sun 28-Apr-13 10:15:22

Manipulation.

I don't know about a name but its manipulative behaviour. Not nice. Hopefully someone more knowledgable will come along. Does your dh recognise that he does this?

Lueji Sun 28-Apr-13 10:16:04

No idea about the name, but agree that you should LTB.

neolara Sun 28-Apr-13 10:16:22

Being an arse.

SheerWill Sun 28-Apr-13 10:16:29

Um ... I would call it shitty behaviour. He needs to grow up and stop sulking like a teenager until he gets his own way. Very controlling - don't know why you bother - life is too short for silly mind games.

Just my opinion :-)

Branleuse Sun 28-Apr-13 10:17:19

its called general cuntish manipulation disorder

Hassled Sun 28-Apr-13 10:19:15

I'd call it the behaviour of a wanker - very clever in a dangerous sort of way, but fundamentally a wanker. He's quite deliberately messing with your head. Have you called him on it?

soundevenfruity Sun 28-Apr-13 10:22:14

So if you recognise this pattern why don't you break it at the first stage, i.e. refuse to fight over nothing. It might be useful to put a name to what is happening but it won't help you to control his behaviour. The only behaviour you can control is yours. The other thing is why you concede and go along with what's unacceptable for you. Are you clear with yourself what your boundaries are? If you are it would be much easier to communicate them to other people.

haveaquestionplease Sun 28-Apr-13 10:22:35

I haven't mentioned to him that I have seen a pattern developing. Catching on only really started happening the last time this happened and then again recently when the same thing happened.
Maybe I am thick and therefore that's why it took me so long to see the pattern. I could almost write out now what he will do next. It just catches me by surprise (which, I guess is the point of the initial kicking off out of the blue)
I seem to get the blame for everything, his family is the same.

haveaquestionplease Sun 28-Apr-13 10:23:27

Should say that this recent argument and subsequent behaviour from him confirmed that pattern for me.

Shybairns Sun 28-Apr-13 10:35:44

How about telling him you have noticed this behaviour? And when he says your crazy or paranoid or tries to make you feel bad, don't apologies. Just state the facts as you see them.

His behaviour is not acceptable to you and is not what you expect from the man who is meant to love you completely and be able to communicate with you better than anyone else.

Don't warn him or threaten him at this stage.

Shellywelly1973 Sun 28-Apr-13 11:14:13

Play him at his own game.... You will freak him out.

My mother is the queen of manipulation. She can't stand it when i do it to her, gets very stroppy & of course its all my fault!

Saddayinspring2 Sun 28-Apr-13 11:23:10

Manipulating to get his own way.

Dh does this with some things He wants to do that I am against, eg he wanted to move house once many years ago and I didn't , I loved the house... He went on and on about how the drains in our current house were going to cause a huge problem soon, how we would be massively in debt due to house prices falling and we would never be able to move from there in the future,how there were flies in the attic, how his work said it was compulsory to move within a 3 mile radius. The last point won , and we moved. It later transpired other people at the same work had not moved to within the three mile radius and I had been conned.. Only knew years later.
I was so sad to move from that house, and the professionals who moved in there after us adore it , extended it and it has become quite a famous local house.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 28-Apr-13 14:40:05

Bullying. Emotional bullying if you want to be more specific.

TheCrackFox Sun 28-Apr-13 14:57:03

How long have you been with him and how often does he pull this kind of stunt?

Do you think be knows he is being manipulative or that it is so normal in his family that he has no idea that he is being a fucker.

Sparklyboots Sun 28-Apr-13 15:05:16

It's called 'being a twat' and you need to address it. Can you just cut to the chase next time he 'kicks off' and ask him what it is he wants you to agree to that he knows you won't like? Can you refuse the argument: 'I'm not going to argue with you about the dishes when I know this is about going to your parents this weekend'? He sounds a bit like an arse, btw. My family are specialists in manipulation and passive aggression; they are arses but it is worth remembering that they aren't capable of asking directly for what they want or need. When I

Sparklyboots Sun 28-Apr-13 15:06:57

...oops, posted too soon. Anyway, when I manage to remember that with my fam, I feel a bit less personally aggrieved. Wouldn't put up with from DP though - it takes too much energy.

SwishSwoshSwoosh Sun 28-Apr-13 15:13:51

Please don't say you are thick, you are not. You didn't spot this straight away because you are a nice person who would not treat someone this way, you were simply expecting him to be fair and honest towards you as well.

Grinkly Sun 28-Apr-13 15:14:13

I agree with Sparklyboots, call him on it, and not in a nice understanding or persuasive way, but bite his head off so that he has the stress rather than you taking on and having to deal with his anger/ manipulation.

SwishSwoshSwoosh Sun 28-Apr-13 15:14:43

Do you have children with him?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 28-Apr-13 15:20:17

Unless it's fuelled by drink or you are fearful it might spiral into violence, next time just say "Oh cut to the chase" and call him on it. If he plays innocent tell him you normally let him carry on just so you can see how far he pushes it but it's got boring now. Wherever he picked up this ploy he uses it because he thinks he's outsmarting you and it works.

ImperialBlether Sun 28-Apr-13 15:24:35

Saddayinspring2, do you think part of the reason your husband wanted to move was because you loved the house so much? Does he enjoy beating you in an argument and having the last word? He sounds absolutely determined to move from what sounds like a really lovely house. Do you think it was actually about moving house?

ImperialBlether Sun 28-Apr-13 15:26:15

OP, the fact that he gets nasty would make me want to run a mile. What's he like in other ways? And yes, it's manipulative behaviour of the utmost childish kind, because he can't argue his case like an adult and take your opinion into account.

Saddayinspring2 Sun 28-Apr-13 16:03:07

Imperial
This was when we were newly married some years ago.. It was mainly because of the long commute he had to drive.
However the downside was I had made lots of friends and got to know the local area while he hadn't as he was working away.
It was selfish of him and he exaggerated to be more forceful about it and get his own way.
He's done it since but I see through it and point it out. I now have a long commute, same distance, no one moves for me.

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