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Crap sex

(36 Posts)
Mouldybread Sun 28-Apr-13 10:10:04

I've name changed, wouldn't usually but think he knows my NN.

What do I do? I thought it would get better as he got more comfortable in the relationship. It hasn't.

He won't touch me. The sex is all about PIV, only ever in bed, when we have gone to bed already, one time, and then he just goes to sleep. When I talk about it he feels embarrassed and that makes it worse.

He doesn't show me much physical affection the rest of the time unless I initiate it, he doesn't ever seem turned on by me. He seems afraid of me...

Last year something happened and I lost respect for him (not cheating but lying by omission). I have been trying to come to terms with my new view of him since then.

I am being drawn to other men. One tried to kiss me recently, thinks I'm "an amazing woman", says he can't keep away from me, said he loves me (WTF?). I have rejected him in no uncertain terms but it is difficult... I am tempted... It is a mess. The cowardly and easy way out would be to make my primary relationship seem more bearable by going outside it, which I know would be wrong so don't want to do that but the alternative is leaving a relationship that is perfectly good but just lacks intimacy. I have tried talking about this now for 5 years.

something2say Sun 28-Apr-13 10:13:35

I think re frame the way you see the relationship. Maybe stop thinking it is perfectly good, and start seeing it as missing a vital ingredient xxx

Fallenangle Sun 28-Apr-13 10:17:49

How is a relationship without the ntimacy you need 'perfectly good'?

Mouldybread Sun 28-Apr-13 10:18:10

<sigh> yes, I suppose. However, I can't afford to leave either. sad I don't know really whether I want to. I feel I would like some space. Feel like I'm being fought over like a dog toy. I don't want to hurt anyone. Tempted by doing the ostrich. Thinking I need to stop speaking to the sap who thinks he loves me... FFS... That will be difficult though as he runs my only social activity!

scaevola Sun 28-Apr-13 10:18:13

I think you've done the right thing to reject involvement with OM. The temptation is a wake up call about your primary relationship and going outside it will only make things harder.

As you say it's been 5 years trying to mend the sexual aspect, you really need to think hard about whether you can see a way ahead in that relationship. A partner who rejects your needs consistently for so long may not be that wonderful. For 5 years isn't a blip, and does seem to show a sustained disregard for your wishes, or even the basics of fair exchange (which would mean sometimes as he likes it, sometimes as you do).

As this is compounded by your new view of his trustworthiness, one thing to consider is whether it is indeed a "perfectly good" relationship. Lack of trust and lack of intimacy aren't features usually considered 'good'.

Guiltypleasures001 Sun 28-Apr-13 10:18:15

If your flogging a dead horse, it might be time to bury the carcass and move on.

Mouldybread Sun 28-Apr-13 10:20:04

Because the relationship has always had an element of being about providing a degree of financial stability for the children, because we laugh, we share interests, he is exceptionally supportive of me, we like each other, he is just so unconfident sexually, if anything it is getting worse over time.

something2say Sun 28-Apr-13 10:21:22

Is it a deal breaker? Only you can decide x

SheerWill Sun 28-Apr-13 10:23:18

You are entitled to have a fulfilling relationship and there are clearly issues with the current one. Instead of being tempted by other men, finish it with the one who leaves you wanting more and give yourself some time to figure out what you want. I was in a sexually frustrating marriage and it was soul destroying. I'm so lucky to now be with a man that ticks all the boxes rather than settling for less.

Hassled Sun 28-Apr-13 10:23:39

How much of an issue was the crap sex before In-Love-Bloke came along? I'm guessing that the realisation that other men do find you attractive has made what is effectively one long rejection at home feel worse.

Do you have kids together?

Mouldybread Sun 28-Apr-13 10:24:57

It probably is a dealbreaker. I could be happy with the addition of agreed upon extra-marital flings, he would not be happy with this so in total it should be.

I think I don't want to really admit what you say very accurately, that the relationship isn't really that good. I feel conned, he pretended to be different at the start.

Fallenangle Sun 28-Apr-13 10:25:37

What about going together to Relate?

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What keeps you here now?.

Do you love him?. You write that you like each other.

As for shared interests well what are they?. This other bloke you fortunately gave the brush off too seems to run your only social activity.

It seems that an underlying 5 year intimacy problem has been further complicated by his lying through omission. Both of you seem afraid of where things could go from here and neither of you really perhaps want to face the truth. The children as well should not be the glue that binds you two together.

None of what you write are actually reasons for staying in such a poor relationship; it also shows your children a poor model of how relationships are conducted. Your children likely see how unhappy you are and perhaps even blame themselves for your unhappiness.

Mouldybread Sun 28-Apr-13 10:27:42

Crap sex has been an issue for 5 years. There was 6 months of reasonable sex.

Yes, I know it feels worse because there's another offer.

Its not a great offer is it?

Mouldybread Sun 28-Apr-13 10:31:31

He refuses to go to counselling. I have spoke about that before.

I get security, he gets "a beautiful wife"...

He is funny and kind and a good man.

I know that sounds silly. Staying would be settling but I know if I committed to it I might be happy.

Mouldybread Sun 28-Apr-13 10:33:13

God no, it's a stupid offer! A stupid offer that I would not be bothered by if I were single, I mean "love"? WTF? I know this is about the state of the primary relationship, I just know I could scratch an itch elsewhere though.

Numberlock Sun 28-Apr-13 10:36:18

Get rid. Crap sex is soul-destroying and will make you feel shit about yourself. If he refuses to address the problem he's telling you that he doesn't care about you so listen to him.

You get really nothing from this relationship now with him do you?.

He refuses to go to counselling eh, why am I not surprised?. They often do not.

He gets what he wants out of this i.e you being subservient to him and feeling trapped. He is patently not a good man if you are being treated in such a manner.

How much more of a commitment can you bring to this relationship when he is neither prepared or even bothered to address the issues as he seems perfectly happy as he is?. Why sell yourself short now, he's had more than 5 years to address the intimacy issues and the long and short of it is that he cannot be bothered to do so, your concerns are not of his concern.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships, surely not this poor example of a relationship?.

Mouldybread Sun 28-Apr-13 10:41:33

I know he cares about me, I think he cares more about himself when it comes down to it though. He is uncommunicative, would find counselling hard. Would do it as an alternative to me leaving I think.

I'm a bit of an arsehole and difficult to live with.

We can't afford to split up at the moment either.

Maybe I'm doing that stupid thing of coming her to be consoles so I don't have to do anything.

These men only ever care about their own selves ultimately; anyone else is but of secondary interest (note I did not write concern) to them even if they are bothered.

He would never go to counselling in a month of Sundays; counselling for your own self alone may be helpful to you though. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this individual who is also uncommunicative (surprise, surprise) to boot?.

I doubt very much that you are actually so difficult to live with; he has perhaps made you feel that way though.

How do you know you cannot afford to split up at the moment; that can sometimes be stated out of a lack of knowledge or not having sought any legal advice. Knowledge after all is power.

Doing nothing/being the ostrich as you know deep down is not an option now because that does not change the current situation any.

Mouldybread Sun 28-Apr-13 11:03:38

Our family situation means it would be difficult and expensive even to separate for a while and we would likely have to take on (more) debt to afford it.

Mouldybread Sun 28-Apr-13 11:06:05

The lack of communication can benefit me, it has allowed me lattitude to live as I please in various ways, this is me being an arsehole, it doesn't help him to feel like he can be intimate. I don't like to be restrained.

LeChatRouge Sun 28-Apr-13 11:13:18

You have to talk to him. He feels embarrassed? Well, tough.

Tell him how you feel about him, how the situation makes you feel, what you would like it to be like. Less 'you don't, you should, why don't you' and more 'I want, we could.' Suggest a trial period of improving things. Both of you need to make more effort.

If nothing changed, or it slides back to a level only he is comfortable with, you have an answer.

Mouldybread Sun 28-Apr-13 11:27:54

I have told him how I feel but as and when, perhaps not all drawn together. I have not told him about the sap because I know he will not want me to see him again and me going to my social activity will gradually become pointless. I will feel stifled and resentful.

I have always expressed things gently rather than in an accusing way, I was wondering if I actually just need to be more forceful in how I express things so there can be no ignoring of it.

Mouldybread Sun 28-Apr-13 11:30:07

I think he feels that whatever he does he cannot please me. It is because he tried to guess what I want instead of talking to me about it.

He also fundamentally thinks I don't want him, which is becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.

happyfreeconfused Sun 28-Apr-13 12:03:15

If someone has a sensitive ego re. sex it can make it difficult to talk about. And the/his problem can become worse because he is even more self-conscious then. It sounds like you are just incompatible sexually and that is unlikely to change.

Mouldybread Sun 28-Apr-13 12:17:11

Yes, we are interacting incompatibly. I think though that he may be as uncomfortable with this as I am. I think he does want to be better, just with no effort.

To be fair to him our life is currently not conducive to these kinds of personal development problems. I am often having neurotic crises which he supports me through, he probably feels unable to have his own.

Darkesteyes Sun 28-Apr-13 17:24:14

OP please get out of this relationship. My dh was like this for the first 4 years we were together. Then he didnt want it at all and we havent slept together for 17 years. After 7 years of lonliness i had a 4 and a half year affair.
Please if you have a chance of happiness grab it with both hands. Dont end up like i have.

Mouldybread Sun 28-Apr-13 19:41:24

It's easier said than done though isn't it. He said last night while we were out that he feels like I always want to talk to other people and not to him. I felt annoyed by that because we'd been out to dinner at 5pm, met a mutual friend (school friend of his), gone to see another friend of his playing in a band and then at 11pm (an hour before we went home) one of my v.close friends turned up and he said that. I thought 'but I've been talking to you all night!' And then today I'm thinking well, no, maybe I don't want to talk to him anymore, not about anything that matters because there's nothing to talk about, me having told him everything about me and him having shared nothing of himself and not being willing to do so. sad

Darkesteyes Sun 28-Apr-13 22:36:54

Mouldy its his way of trying to shift the blame onto you. And its probably his way of "warning" you not to talk to anyone else about it.
Because you see they dont want to talk or do anything about it and they dont want you to talk to anyone else about it and upset their status of being in a relationship.
Because we are merely women and dont actually have any sexual needs or needs for intimacy <sarcasm>

Mouldybread Mon 29-Apr-13 07:13:48

Interesting. I had felt like it was territorial, like he was much happier when I was at home cooking, cleaning, buried under babies.

OrWellyAnn Mon 29-Apr-13 12:40:15

You are not alone. I have no answers for you, but watch this thread with interest in case you find a magic bullet.

I know I will be poo poohed on here for saying this, but I don't think many relationships are all fulfilling. For every person who comes on here and tells you their DH is perfect in every way there'll be twice as many who are coping with cheats or men who are violent, or lazy gist who don't pull their weight. For me sex is not the hardest thing to compromise, but i do understand your temptation...

Mouldybread Mon 29-Apr-13 12:51:14

Sex is hard for me to compromise, intimacy too. I find intimacy hard, I feel so resentful that he clearly expects me to carry the whole of it for the. Whole. Fucking. Family.

I've had to try so hard to be intimate, get over all kinds of shit. He has, to his credit, been extremely supportive in helping me but it is no good if the intimacy is not returned. Still on sat he's sitting there saying to me he feels I don't want to talk to him when the actual previous two hours sitting with his mate were conversations about things they had done together (some while we were together) that I knew fuck all about.

Feel so angry I could scream today, but I won't because ultimately I am pathetic. I really just want to get on a train or jump in front of one today... Fucking hell....

Mouldybread Mon 29-Apr-13 12:52:35

No, you're quite right though Orwellyann (cool name) relationships are not entirely fulfilling, I quite agree, it's being able to confront that fact honestly in whatever way you need to that's very difficult.

Moanranger Mon 29-Apr-13 18:14:42

I think you are glossing over your fundamental incompatibility here. Sex & intimacy are crucial. My story: marriedcSTBXH as he was reliable, kind(at first.) Inept sexually, but we eventually settled into a marriage with sex on his terms. My sexuality died under this, and I read a lot of similar stories on MN. You are better out of this relationship sooner rather than soldiering on.
One impression I am getting from your post is that he will not discuss this with you, which seems odd in a fairly long relationship. There is also the cognitive dissonance, where he thinks you are not talking to him, or whatever, when clearly you are. You start to think you are going crazy.
Good luck in working it out. I think you can do better.
I avoided parting due to worries over finance but I think I am actually going to be better off financially post-marriage, so don't let money worries get in the way of a resolution.

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