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DH accused me of assault

(46 Posts)
LostAndBroken Sat 27-Apr-13 22:17:58

I was wondering if someone could help.

Due to lack of sleep (baby and toddler not sleeping well) and stress of DH's job we have been bickering a lot recently.

This morning we got into an argument: he insulted me, when I asked him to repeat what he said he informed me whilst trying to get the baby out of the highchair. I tapped him on the shoulder demanding he listen to me. He ignored me, when I turned my back to walk away, he attacked me by throwing me to the floor, holding my wrists and shouting that this was self-defence (from what I'm not sure). I was wrestling back with him.

He then called the police and alleged that I assaulted him. They arrived and said that they should arrest me but wouldn't as I was a breast-feeding mother. They said they would interview me at a later date.

DH has since retracted this statement and signed an official statement saying I didn't do anything wrong and he was emotional and that he over-reacted.

However, the police still want to interview me and have offered me legal representation. They have said that there are no charges against me.

Apart from being gobsmacked at 'D'H's behaviour a d feeling emotional (let down, betrayed, broken hearted etc.). I'm worried about what this all means with regards to me being formally interviewed.

I've never had so much as a parking ticket so I'm devastated at the thought of this interview and what it means with regard to the future (what if I forgive DH and he does this again or I get in an argument over a parking space or something trivial and the police see "oh yes, Mrs LAF was accused by her DH of assault but it didn't go any further".

DH is incredibly remorseful and admitted he did this in anger and wishes he could put a stop to the process but can't.

Can anyone offer me any advice?

Thank you. I'm sorry it's such a long post.

I think you need to tell the police the truth, that you tapped your dh on the shoulder to get his attention, and he in turn proceeded to:
1. Assault you
2. Report you to the police with a false accusation that you attacked him

sad What a shit he is! How are you now?

BettySuarez Sat 27-Apr-13 22:24:11

I think the police involvement is a bit of a red herring here. Your husband assaulted YOU.

Not only that but he's made it almost impossible for you to register a complaint against him by trying to get there first.

Give your statement to the police, tell them everything. Then have a serious think as to whether you feel safe living with this man

What QuintessentialOHara said.

Has he got something going on that's stressing him out? As this seems like a massive overreaction (by him) & also doesn't seem to fit with his behaviour afterwards. Weird personality change, I'd definitely ask the police for help when they speak to you, I bet it's not the first time they have heard a situation like this.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep Sat 27-Apr-13 22:42:53

Jeez. That's all pretty horrible.

Has he got physical before? Stopped you leaving the room during an argument maybe? Punched the wall, or smashed stuff?

LostAndBroken Sat 27-Apr-13 22:50:17

When we first met (years ago) he did used to stop me from leaving rooms before if we had an argument. I told him that this was unacceptable and he stopped doing it. He hasn't been physical with me before. We have two kids. The baby doesn't sleep well at all. He has a very stressful job and it's become more stressful recently with redundancies.

I feel very sick and very sad. But my kids are wonderful and are such a joy.
I need to go to sleep before the little one wakes.

Thank you for you replied and support

BlackeyedSusan Sat 27-Apr-13 22:57:17

make an exit plan and leave. it only gets worse. sad tell the ploice everything. get any bruises photographed.

LadyMaryQuiteContrary Sat 27-Apr-13 23:04:06 He's using 'stress' as an excuse. When things are better at work there will be another one, then another one. You need help. Please call womens aid. Do this for you and for your children xx

Can I suggest that you move this to the Relationships board? If the police want to interview you then you definitely need to get a solicitor to advise you in real life, but you also need to think about where your relationship goes from here.

Wossname Sun 28-Apr-13 09:15:17

Jesus Christ, that is awful. He assaulted you ( in front of your children?) then called the police on you and ensured you couldn't do anything about the assault.

That's actually one of the worst things I've read on here, I am so sorry he did that to you. He has manipulated you so successfully that you are on here posting about your fears of the police interviewing you, rather than your husband abusing you. Please throw him out.

WitchOfEndor Sun 28-Apr-13 09:18:53

I think they probably have a good idea about what happened and they want to speak to you for your own protection. If I were you I would tell them exactly what happened and get it on record. I don't want to scare you but your DHs reaction is often a stepping stone to an escalation of violence (which is then justified by him because you tapped him on the shoulder so he feels that its ok to hit you or restrain you whenever he feels like it). For the safety of you and your child please speak to the Police and Women's Aid.

If he never harms you again then whatever you tell them will not be taken any further. But if he does then you have already given yourself the chance to protect yourself and your child. Get this on record.

TigerSwallowTail Sun 28-Apr-13 09:22:21

Go to the police interview but ask to speak to the domestic abuse unit in the police station. Tell them everything, this is serious and if he does it again he could either really hurt you or get you a criminal record. The police may suspect something iffy has happened and that's why they're so keen to speak to you despite your husband changing his story.

Somethingtothinkabout Sun 28-Apr-13 09:43:47

I also think it sounds like they want to speak to you because they are concerned.

Speak to them and tell them the complete truth. Your H will hopefully never do anything like this again, but just in case, get the true story on record. Also, he may call the police on you again, so make sure you have no record what actually happened so they don't think you've got a history of this.

Then you need to give some serious thought to whether you want to spend your life with someone like that, and have your kids around him.


Somethingtothinkabout Sun 28-Apr-13 09:44:15

Concerned about you, not him.

LostAndBroken Sun 28-Apr-13 10:16:04

How do I get this moved to Relationships?

I'm quite sure the marriage is over. But as Somethingtothinkabout says, I'm worried that he'll do this again in the future (regardless of whether we are together or not) and then the Police will think I have a history of this. They already said that they can't erase what's been said.

Wossname Sun 28-Apr-13 10:20:09

Hi, just report your own post and ask for it to be moved there.

You definitely need to speak to police frankly about what happened before you start doubting yourself.

CajaDeLaMemoria Sun 28-Apr-13 10:27:12

Go to the station. As you've said, it will be recorded as a charge that was then dropped. That's helpful in cases where somebody is abused, and repeatedly drops charges.

You need to tell them everything in your statement, and show them any bruises/scratches if you have them.

Then ask for advice from the domestic violence dept, and if you've already spoken to women's aid, tell them that and what your leaving plan is, and tell them you are worried about his reaction.

Good luck.

CatherineHMumsnet (MNHQ) Sun 28-Apr-13 10:32:36

Hello - just popping into say that we'll be moving this thread into relationships in a moment.

wonderingagain Sun 28-Apr-13 10:32:36

Go to the police now so that they can get evidence of any bruises you might have and interview you properly.

Don't hang about on Mumsnet, go down there right now. Take dd with you preferably - if you can't, leave her. They will look after you. Try to get them to insist that DP moves out even if it's only temporary.

good luck. As I said, don't hang about. Go NOW.

wonderingagain Sun 28-Apr-13 10:34:28

Call a friend or a relative when you get there.

Personally I wouldn't speak to the police without a solicitor present. They may well be sympathetic and have a good idea of what has really happened, but if they want to interview you under caution then you really need professional representation imo. Your husband has shown himself to be a devious bastard; don't give him any further opportunities to get the story twisted to his advantage.

Definitely talk to someone at Women's Aid - they'll have support workers who can give you information about what course of action might be best, and they'll have seen this before.
I'm so sorry he did this to you.
I think he reported it to the police because he thought you might have wanted to go to the police about what he did to you, and he hoped that him getting there first would maybe undermine your story.
It makes it seem as though he's being very calculated about it.

wonderingagain Sun 28-Apr-13 10:54:27

OP you can get a solicitor when you get to the station. But you should go now before he convinces you that it was all a mistake and you change your mind. DP has already retracted his statement about you assaulting him, he will be completely unreliable in court because of this. You on the other hand will have marks on your body that need to be recorded. Don't stall this because of a solicitor.

wonderingagain Sun 28-Apr-13 10:59:46

Womens aid can be very slow to get back to you - please OP, don't stall this. I think as Super says he only reported you to 'put you in your place'. He knew this was the only thing he could do to stop you reporting him. Please don't let his plan work.

Likelihood is they will put an injunction on him to stay away for a period of time while he sorts himself out. I he is out of the house you might be able to see things more clearly and know what to do.

Saddayinspring2 Sun 28-Apr-13 11:11:48

Sounds to me like he lost his temper and didn't like that you were standing up to him and attacked you under the guise of self defence and got in there first before you to call the police.. So he could get his story in first .

Reminds me of a childhood bully, turning the tables so as not to get into trouble with mum.

Does he have a history of violence in the past even with his siblings?

I agree he was teaching you a lesson.. The lesson is that he is not going to be messed with or you will come off worse. He then calmed down and took it back but he has showed his true colours.

delilahlilah Sun 28-Apr-13 11:18:54

He called the police because he wanted to hide his own guilt. He knew that you could have called the police because he DID assault you.
Tell the police the truth, and ask them to be there when you ask your 'D'H to leave. You cannot and should not live with someone you are afraid of. Get advice from Women's Aid.
He is using bullying tactics. Tired and emotional is not an excuse for what he did.

bleedingheart Sun 28-Apr-13 12:09:48

You must tell the police the truth, he cannot be trusted at all! Please take care!

Saddayinspring2 Sun 28-Apr-13 12:15:57

Did you tell them he assaulted you rather than the other way round? If not, were you afraid to?

Do not tell him (dh ) anything.. You don't know how he will respond just tell the police and get some support from family or friend ASAP.

Saddayinspring2 Sun 28-Apr-13 12:17:31

He didn't do it in anger, he did it as a calculated plan rather than having a police record himself.

Lovecat Sun 28-Apr-13 13:02:53

He may have retracted his statement but did he tell the police the truth? I think if he's truly apologetic/repentant he needs to go there and do that, in your presence, so you can confirm it and show them your injuries. I second all the advice to ring WA and get some RL support. Hope you're ok x

Lovecat Sun 28-Apr-13 13:04:56

Sorry, that sounds like I might be excusing him ('if he's truly apologetic' - I'm not sure he is, tbh). I'm just trying (badly) to say that this is what he ought to be doing to make things right. If he's just leaving you to deal with the aftermath without actually telling the police what really happened then he's not as sorry as he's making out to you.

Lueji Sun 28-Apr-13 13:09:01

You haven't reported him???

Check your wrists. Bruises may show up at a later stage.
If you report it to the police the bruises should show up under UV light.

But, yes. You should leave him.

What a twat.

diddl Sun 28-Apr-13 13:15:15

Hopefully the police want to see you as they have concerns about you.

He used to stop you leaving a room?

Bloody hell!

And it's the same old, same old, isn't it-he might be very, very, very stressed-but who else does he assault/attack??!!

mcmooncup Sun 28-Apr-13 14:43:11

I had an abusive ex who called the police on me. (Saying I would not allow him access to the house, when he was already in it and subjecting me to abuse)

I think for him it was a 'get there first' call. He knew he was about to get in the shit and tried to get there first. These men will do ANYTHING to continue their crap.
I would also advise telling the truth.
He assaulted you. That is the relevant fact here. I doubt the police will do anything either way though <cynical>

chattychattyboomba Sun 28-Apr-13 14:51:05

Omg! Where was the baby while this was going on?!
I would not feel safe in this situation with your DH (for yourself or your DC).
You are innocent so have nothing to worry about wrt getting in trouble with the police. Just tell them everything.

wonderingagain Sun 28-Apr-13 18:30:21

Hi OP, how's it going?

k2togm1 Mon 29-Apr-13 11:24:31

Lostandbroken, I am officially worried about you, read the thread yesterday and have been looking for an update every minute! Hope you are ok.

AnyFucker Mon 29-Apr-13 11:29:17

I believe the police want to speak to you without him there because they have seen scenarios like this before, and they are aware of your husband trying to manipulate the situation

I would trust them, go along and tell the truth. They can signpost you to relevant support to safely exit your marriage

Stepmooster Mon 29-Apr-13 13:06:46

Hi Lostandbroken, Being falsely accused of domestic abuse is something that happened to my father, but it was mother who accused him falsely of throwing her down the stairs. She was angry at him for standing up to her. My sister was at home at the time of the supposed incident, but the police refused to believe what my sister told them, that it was my mother who was the abusive one.

My father was carted off to the cells over night, and because my mother had a big bruise on her back - caused by her own drunkeness the night before when she had fallen down some steps near our home and had to be brought back by a complete stranger.

Anyway long story short, my aunt convinced my mother to retract her statement and she agreed. Dad got released without charge and came home a complete wreck. He just never felt safe to be alone with her again, because he knew she could make up false allegations whenever she wanted to. He had to get a divorce and move out because he lived in fear from that moment on. But my mother couldn't accept this and continued to be abusive, in the end my father sorted out a restraining order via his solicitor.

To be falsely accused of something like this, when you have just been assaulted yourself is a horrible thing. Maybe enrol immediate family to help you and support you at the police station? Do not go through this alone.

LostAndBroken Tue 30-Apr-13 02:51:14

Hi all. I'm fine. The kids are fine. I'm just so very sad that this has happened. He's retracted his statement, said it's never happened. There's no need to be worried about me really. I'm back home but he's away on a course this week. I think I'm going to ask him to move out. I know you're all probably going to think I'm stupid for this but I can almost forgive him physically hurting me. But I can't forgive him making up false accusations. Bruises can heal. But if this happened again and the took my kids from me I just wouldn't be able to bear that. So it's with a sorry heart that I think my marriage is over. I have family support to help me and I think he realises the mess he's made and although doesn't want the marriage to end I think he won't make things hard for me.

Thank you for your support. I don't think I'll come back and say any more as it hurts to go through it again (sorry!). But don't worry, I will be fine. My kids make everything wonderful again.

Thank you again for your support, words of wisdom and kind thoughts.xx

AdoraBell Tue 30-Apr-13 03:07:23

I really think you need to speak to the police about the assault before you ask him to move out. You cannot be sure how he will react to you wanting him to leave.

You really, really need to have this documented now in case he reacts badly and you need to call the police. Please, give a statement to the police, allow them to see any bruising and speak to Women's Aid too.

FrickingFedUp Tue 30-Apr-13 03:15:42

I am afraid this is a classic trope of an abuser. My exp smashed my car windscreen with his fists while I was driving in a jealous (unfounded paranoid) rage. I "slapped" him to try and stop him and apparently I was the violent one. Paved the way for several other episodes on his part I'm afraid, but of course he never "hit" me, just pushed me around etc.

virgilsmuse Tue 30-Apr-13 09:27:49

If you simply 'tapped' him, and then he attacked you, then I would follow everyone's advice.

But if the scenario was reversed, there would be a completely different response here. People would be suggesting that it must have been more than a tap Etc., that he shouldn't have 'tapped' you first and that even a tap constitutes abuse in some way as it takes things further than a conversation and was unnecessary...

All I'm saying is why did you need to tap him on the shoulder in the first place? And are you sure it was just that...a tap?

I'm in no way excusing his behaviour. You should never stay with someone who's attacked you and should report to the police.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 30-Apr-13 09:41:30

Glad you're getting out of this abusive relationship but please make sure you report the assault. When you split you need to have it on record that he is violent rather than you because, if you don't, there are all kinds of implications with the access arrangements.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Tue 30-Apr-13 12:54:05

virgilsmuse did you mean to sound as if you blame the victim?

I do not think the comments would differ if the victim was male.

Lueji Tue 30-Apr-13 13:53:19

Agreeing with Cogito.
You must have bruises on your wrists to show what happened.

I hope you get out safely. smile

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