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Why am I so weak?(54 Posts)
My wife is a long time Mumsnetter and while talking to her I decided to join and hopefully seek some much needed advice.
A couple of years ago I had an affair with a woman I had known for a few years before I met and married my wife.
Basically , I had bought a second mobile and we sent sexual texts to each other- we never actually met up so we didn't actually have sex but it was on the cards. one day, for some reason I took the phone home (I always kept it at work) and my wife found it.
This had a devastating effect on our relationship. I did everything I could think of to try and make things right - I changed my mobile number, gave the other mobile to my wife, stopped going out without her,phoned her when I left work, cut down my cinema visits (she hates going), only going with friends of mine that she trusted. She gave me another chance but still didn't completely trust me, throwing it in my face whenever she got mad at me about something and checking up on me, but we were getting better.
I got made redundant last November and even after applying for around 5 jobs a day, I am still out of work. It is beginning to get me down- I don't like being out of work and I worry about bills, etc but I put on a brave face to my wife and family cos they worry so much already, I don't want to add to it. My wife got a part time job so we reversed roles with me looking after our 22 month old daughter and the housework, which I love doing; it being a different change of pace from working 60 hours a week.
(I'm sorry if I'm waffling but first time doing this and I want to get everything down)
Last week, while in town, I bumped into an ex-girlfriend I'd not seen in 20+ years. We are friends on Facebook but had not really spoken. we had a quick chat and off I went. Later, she put a status update about a "blast from the past".
I sent her message - " good to see her- looking good for a grandma lol ( she's early 40s)We talked about when we went out, place we'd been, etc. The problem is the messages became more and more flirty and then sexual. She made it clear that she hadn't got over me and I went back to doing what got me in so much trouble before.
Suffice to say my wife found the messages and she is devastated. She gave me one last chance and I blew it.
I love my wife and kids dearly, and I risk losing them which I really don't want. Why am I so weak? I don't want these women but seem to love the attention. It was a million to 1 chance that I would bump into her and I was doing so well.
I am resigned to the fact that this maybe the end of my marriage but I will whatever it takes for this not to happen. I know I have totally F**ked up the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I am looking into going to see someone about this but any words of advice about what else I can do to rectify this would be very welcome. Thank you for listening.
I have no real advice, but I wouldn't have messaged her in the first place. I don't believe you should pay forever for what you have done but I think you should have been more aware of the way your wife is feeling.
Describing yourself as weak is an abdication of responsibility for your actions.
Buying a second mobile to allow you to have inappropriate contact with another woman behind your wife's back was not "weak". It was a deliberate act with deliberate intention.
It sounds like you never took responsibility for the first affair, which is why you have done it again.
Deal with that and you might have some chance of a successful monogamous relationship in future.
I am guessing you have done too much damage for your marriage to survive.
You say sex was "on the cards" with the first affair, was it "on the cards" with your current other woman?
I am afraid that I have no sympathy for you. If you loved her and your family as much as you claim then you wouldn't have had one affair nevermind two.
And if your DW was posting then I would tell her to LTB
Your wife is a mumsnetter? So you've joined and posted here for her to see?
Invasive and underhand. Your sense of boundaries is all fucked up.
Agree with Diagonally - it's not 'weakness'. It's prioritising your own ego kick over your wife's feelings and your family's happiness.
And then feeling regret at getting caught.
No question about it, she is absolutely right not to trust you. I hope she sees sense and gets shot of you.
You know you don't deserve your wife & dc... She well rid of you!
By all means seek out a councillor to talk about whatever.
It's not fair to expect your wife to continue with your marriage if she can't trust you. Also it's not healthy for you to live a restricted life because she doesn't trust you.
In the long run, although it's not what you want now, it may be better for you to separate and concentrate on being good co-parenters.
In answer to your thread title OP : Choice. You made a choice
Hopefully your wife will make a choice for her happiness
Oh yeh...posting on MN (detailing the cinema bit). Disingenuous.
So not weak.
I do hope Fleecy is the wife
I am his wife.
I am a MNer of many years which MNHQ can confirm.
I have told him that our marriage is over, I have said that if he gets therapy then maybe I will consider a reconciliation at some point in the future (months or years hence).
I suggested he post here to get an understanding of why what he did was so terrible so him posting here is not as nasty as it seems. I think that he thinks that as he didnt actually have sex with these women then it isnt that bad.
I avoided the "advice for a man" thread as I thought that was him, I didnt want to read his thread and clicked without knowing his username. I shouldn't have read it but when I realised that this was my life.....
He wants me to give him another chance.
I am resigned to the fact that this maybe the end of my marriage but I will whatever it takes for this not to happen.
You had the chance to save your marriage. You did the same stupid, self-centred, ridiculous, mean thing you will do every time you are given the opportunity.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Shit, x-posted. Sorry OPsSTBX
jazzbiscotti it is that bad.
Well ...this is a snapshot of your marriage and it's therefore totally inappropriate for me to give any advice based on just these messages...however I believe I deserve love and care. This requires an adult taking responsibility for their actions and thinking about me.
The first post reads like a four year old trying to explain why he was caught with his hand in the cookie jar
OP - why would you do that? You have totally fucked up, what would you say to your wife to give you a second chance? She trusted you but you just can't stop flirting with other women can you?
I am very embarrassed at how JK this has become so I wont post again, I just wanted to make sure that there was no troll hunting and to make it clear that I thought this might help him understand.
<takes a deep breath and tries to hold back all the swears>
OP, you ask "why am I so weak?" Well, because you're weak. You chose an ego boost from random stranger/ex over the attention you receive from your wife. Not just once, but twice you chose to flirt, get your ego boost from somewhere else rather than respecting your marriage and the woman who has loved you, cared for you and carried your child.
Was not even the thought of what would happen to your 22 month old enough motivation to stop? The thought that if your wife found out it would end your relationship and stop you being a daily part of your child's life?
"The problem is the messages became more and more flirty and then sexual" - Nope, the problem is you either started making advances, or didn't rebuff the other woman's advances. They didn't "just happen"
"I love my wife and kids dearly, and I risk losing them which I really don't want. Why am I so weak? I don't want these women but seem to love the attention. It was a million to 1 chance that I would bump into her and I was doing so well."
OP, don't kid yourself that you're so special. Plenty of us meet exes, people who find us attractive, people who we find attractive. But plenty of us don't feel the need to start sending sexual messages to them. because we love the people we love, we don't want to hurt them, fill them with doubt, change their feelings for us. We don't want to have our children in a tense environment. Because we're not knobs, I suppose.
OP's stb ex wife, sorry you had to go through that, you sound strong and I hope you are as OK as can be..
Maybe you should consider the fact you only think you love your wife. Your actions seem to show you would rather have a life less ordinary.
Maybe you should bite the bullet you locked and loaded and accept that for everyones best interests you should move on and do what it seems you want to do, and let your wife move on as well.
There is no point in ignoring your feelings.
OPsSTBX Please don't feel embarrassed, in your situation I would have no idea how to deal with anything, frankly, who would! OP made a decision to post and canvas opinions. No epic fail on your part at all
I love blokes like you, you go to extraordinary lengths to reinforce the label all men are bastards.
It's saves those of us who aren't, who can keep our dick in our trousers, can keep a job and not seek pity when we get busted fucking around doing it.
OP's wife - I hope you are as OK as can be too.
OP - you're a pathetic specimen of a 'man'
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