Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Why am I so weak?

(54 Posts)
jazzbiscotti Sat 27-Apr-13 21:59:34

Hello
My wife is a long time Mumsnetter and while talking to her I decided to join and hopefully seek some much needed advice.
A couple of years ago I had an affair with a woman I had known for a few years before I met and married my wife.
Basically , I had bought a second mobile and we sent sexual texts to each other- we never actually met up so we didn't actually have sex but it was on the cards. one day, for some reason I took the phone home (I always kept it at work) and my wife found it.
This had a devastating effect on our relationship. I did everything I could think of to try and make things right - I changed my mobile number, gave the other mobile to my wife, stopped going out without her,phoned her when I left work, cut down my cinema visits (she hates going), only going with friends of mine that she trusted. She gave me another chance but still didn't completely trust me, throwing it in my face whenever she got mad at me about something and checking up on me, but we were getting better.
I got made redundant last November and even after applying for around 5 jobs a day, I am still out of work. It is beginning to get me down- I don't like being out of work and I worry about bills, etc but I put on a brave face to my wife and family cos they worry so much already, I don't want to add to it. My wife got a part time job so we reversed roles with me looking after our 22 month old daughter and the housework, which I love doing; it being a different change of pace from working 60 hours a week.
(I'm sorry if I'm waffling but first time doing this and I want to get everything down)
Last week, while in town, I bumped into an ex-girlfriend I'd not seen in 20+ years. We are friends on Facebook but had not really spoken. we had a quick chat and off I went. Later, she put a status update about a "blast from the past".
I sent her message - " good to see her- looking good for a grandma lol ( she's early 40s)We talked about when we went out, place we'd been, etc. The problem is the messages became more and more flirty and then sexual. She made it clear that she hadn't got over me and I went back to doing what got me in so much trouble before.
Suffice to say my wife found the messages and she is devastated. She gave me one last chance and I blew it.
I love my wife and kids dearly, and I risk losing them which I really don't want. Why am I so weak? I don't want these women but seem to love the attention. It was a million to 1 chance that I would bump into her and I was doing so well.
I am resigned to the fact that this maybe the end of my marriage but I will whatever it takes for this not to happen. I know I have totally F**ked up the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I am looking into going to see someone about this but any words of advice about what else I can do to rectify this would be very welcome. Thank you for listening.

SanctuaryMoon Sat 27-Apr-13 22:18:48

I have no real advice, but I wouldn't have messaged her in the first place. I don't believe you should pay forever for what you have done but I think you should have been more aware of the way your wife is feeling.

Diagonally Sat 27-Apr-13 22:29:05

Describing yourself as weak is an abdication of responsibility for your actions.

Buying a second mobile to allow you to have inappropriate contact with another woman behind your wife's back was not "weak". It was a deliberate act with deliberate intention.

It sounds like you never took responsibility for the first affair, which is why you have done it again.

Deal with that and you might have some chance of a successful monogamous relationship in future.

I am guessing you have done too much damage for your marriage to survive.

Bogeyface Sat 27-Apr-13 22:38:56

You say sex was "on the cards" with the first affair, was it "on the cards" with your current other woman?

I am afraid that I have no sympathy for you. If you loved her and your family as much as you claim then you wouldn't have had one affair nevermind two.

Bogeyface Sat 27-Apr-13 22:40:23

And if your DW was posting then I would tell her to LTB

ageofgrandillusion Sat 27-Apr-13 23:04:00

Oh grow up FFs.

LemonPeculiarJones Sat 27-Apr-13 23:10:42

Your wife is a mumsnetter? So you've joined and posted here for her to see?

Invasive and underhand. Your sense of boundaries is all fucked up.

Agree with Diagonally - it's not 'weakness'. It's prioritising your own ego kick over your wife's feelings and your family's happiness.

And then feeling regret at getting caught.

No question about it, she is absolutely right not to trust you. I hope she sees sense and gets shot of you.

Fleecyslippers Sat 27-Apr-13 23:14:53

Do fuck off.
Asshole.

Shellywelly1973 Sun 28-Apr-13 00:14:31

You know you don't deserve your wife & dc... She well rid of you!

WafflyVersatile Sun 28-Apr-13 00:15:37

By all means seek out a councillor to talk about whatever.

It's not fair to expect your wife to continue with your marriage if she can't trust you. Also it's not healthy for you to live a restricted life because she doesn't trust you.

In the long run, although it's not what you want now, it may be better for you to separate and concentrate on being good co-parenters.

CabbageLeaves Sun 28-Apr-13 00:19:08

In answer to your thread title OP : Choice. You made a choice

Hopefully your wife will make a choice for her happiness

Oh yeh...posting on MN (detailing the cinema bit). Disingenuous.

So not weak.
Cowardly

CabbageLeaves Sun 28-Apr-13 00:19:40

I do hope Fleecy is the wife

OPsSTBX Sun 28-Apr-13 00:30:18

I am his wife.

I am a MNer of many years which MNHQ can confirm.

I have told him that our marriage is over, I have said that if he gets therapy then maybe I will consider a reconciliation at some point in the future (months or years hence).

I suggested he post here to get an understanding of why what he did was so terrible so him posting here is not as nasty as it seems. I think that he thinks that as he didnt actually have sex with these women then it isnt that bad.

I avoided the "advice for a man" thread as I thought that was him, I didnt want to read his thread and clicked without knowing his username. I shouldn't have read it but when I realised that this was my life.....

He wants me to give him another chance. hmm

I am resigned to the fact that this maybe the end of my marriage but I will whatever it takes for this not to happen.

Bullshit.

You had the chance to save your marriage. You did the same stupid, self-centred, ridiculous, mean thing you will do every time you are given the opportunity.

comewithmeandtakethiscity Sun 28-Apr-13 00:34:38

He sounds terribly self-indulgent and self-interested.

Public battles on MN not really going to help, are they?

Shit, x-posted. Sorry OPsSTBX

jazzbiscotti it is that bad.

CabbageLeaves Sun 28-Apr-13 00:38:17

Well ...this is a snapshot of your marriage and it's therefore totally inappropriate for me to give any advice based on just these messages...however I believe I deserve love and care. This requires an adult taking responsibility for their actions and thinking about me.

The first post reads like a four year old trying to explain why he was caught with his hand in the cookie jar

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Sun 28-Apr-13 00:45:13

OP - why would you do that? You have totally fucked up, what would you say to your wife to give you a second chance? She trusted you but you just can't stop flirting with other women can you?

OPsSTBX Sun 28-Apr-13 00:46:36

I am very embarrassed at how JK this has become so I wont post again, I just wanted to make sure that there was no troll hunting and to make it clear that I thought this might help him understand.

epic fail.

NishiNoUsagi Sun 28-Apr-13 00:54:17

<takes a deep breath and tries to hold back all the swears>

OP, you ask "why am I so weak?" Well, because you're weak. You chose an ego boost from random stranger/ex over the attention you receive from your wife. Not just once, but twice you chose to flirt, get your ego boost from somewhere else rather than respecting your marriage and the woman who has loved you, cared for you and carried your child.

Was not even the thought of what would happen to your 22 month old enough motivation to stop? The thought that if your wife found out it would end your relationship and stop you being a daily part of your child's life?

"The problem is the messages became more and more flirty and then sexual" - Nope, the problem is you either started making advances, or didn't rebuff the other woman's advances. They didn't "just happen" hmm

"I love my wife and kids dearly, and I risk losing them which I really don't want. Why am I so weak? I don't want these women but seem to love the attention. It was a million to 1 chance that I would bump into her and I was doing so well."

OP, don't kid yourself that you're so special. Plenty of us meet exes, people who find us attractive, people who we find attractive. But plenty of us don't feel the need to start sending sexual messages to them. because we love the people we love, we don't want to hurt them, fill them with doubt, change their feelings for us. We don't want to have our children in a tense environment. Because we're not knobs, I suppose. grin

OP's stb ex wife, sorry you had to go through that, you sound strong and I hope you are as OK as can be..

jaywall Sun 28-Apr-13 00:56:01

Maybe you should consider the fact you only think you love your wife. Your actions seem to show you would rather have a life less ordinary.

Maybe you should bite the bullet you locked and loaded and accept that for everyones best interests you should move on and do what it seems you want to do, and let your wife move on as well.

There is no point in ignoring your feelings.

NishiNoUsagi Sun 28-Apr-13 00:56:28

OPsSTBX Please don't feel embarrassed, in your situation I would have no idea how to deal with anything, frankly, who would! OP made a decision to post and canvas opinions. No epic fail on your part at all smile

TheFallenNinja Sun 28-Apr-13 01:07:26

I love blokes like you, you go to extraordinary lengths to reinforce the label all men are bastards.

It's saves those of us who aren't, who can keep our dick in our trousers, can keep a job and not seek pity when we get busted fucking around doing it.

Fucking scumbag.

ElizaDoLots Sun 28-Apr-13 01:10:32

OP's wife - I hope you are as OK as can be too.

OP - you're a pathetic specimen of a 'man'

pickledginger Sun 28-Apr-13 01:19:41

If this is genuine, the fact that you thought he needed to post here because it might help him get why what he did was 'so terrible' speaks volumes. This isn't someone who is taking any responsibility for his actions. 'Why am I so weak' is a complete abdication of personal responsibility, as Diagonally said.

This man has done this twice now. He knew exactly what it would cost him if he did it again and he chose to do it anyway. No 'counselling' can fix that. It's not weakness, it's a total lack of respect for you and your relationship. If he was going to change he would have done it already. Please don't give him another chance to hurt you.

jynier Sun 28-Apr-13 01:46:52

OP - You didn't have sex with the other women? Some of us weren't born yesterday, matey!

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Sun 28-Apr-13 02:28:56

OPsSTBX

Please leave this 'man.' You've taught your DC forgiveness, also teach them it's not okay to be treated this way and your daughter deserves a man nothing like her father. A man who loves her and it's so pathetic he needs 'ego boosts' from OW.

Please don't believe him when he says he didn't sleep with first OW (if she even WAS the first) Read the cheaters script. It's minimise, minimise, minimise so they get to keep their beautiful family and get their 'ego boosts.'

I'm so sorry your husband turned out to be a cowardly prize knob. He doesn't even see this as his own actions! He sees this as 'but I don't know why I do ittttt' like some outward force (example: Why am I so weak? Not gee I fucked up) made him need to cheat.

Oh and OP? The therapy you want? Be honest. Don't ask for help with your weakness - ask for help with your selfishness and lack of empathy for the people you claim to love. Ask why what you want is more important than what the family you claim to love needs.

LemonPeculiarJones Sun 28-Apr-13 08:16:32

OPsSTBX

Get rid of this pathetic man.

He did it once, boo hoo, sorry etc, you gave him another chance.

Then he did it again. Boo hoo, begging for another chance. Again.

Do not kid yourself that this is anything other than a recurrent pattern. Just move on. I know its hard but please, value yourself.

wonderingagain Sun 28-Apr-13 08:30:00

Opstbx so sorry you have to go through this. You have been very brave to expose yourself here for the sake of your marriage. You must be a very kind and considerate person. You really love someone who unfortunately does not know the meaning of love and cannot see beyond his own ego.

Let him go and find the woman he deserves. You deserve a better partner than this.

Shinigami Sun 28-Apr-13 08:30:50

OPsSTBX is better of without you and I wish her all the luck in the world.

LittlePeaPod Sun 28-Apr-13 08:48:26

Sorry Op. no sympathy from me and I can't give you any advice really.

Prior to meeting my DF I was in an 11 year relationship. I found out he had cheated (once as far as I know). As difficult as it was at the time,I dumped his arse and moved on with my life.

If I was your wife or if my DF did what you did. I would have walked out on you the first time. I can not and will never be able to forgive that sort of deceitful behaviour and I can never advise another woman to stay with a lier/cheat for any reason. I understand some people can move past these experiences but I never could!

LittlePeaPod Sun 28-Apr-13 08:50:03

Sorry new to this. Could someone tell me what STBX stands for? Thanks

HotBurrito1 Sun 28-Apr-13 08:54:48

Jazzbiscotti your post reads as if you are bobbing around in a sea of events with no say over any of it. Nothing will change until you take responsibility for everything you decide to do. The 'million to one chance that you would bump into her' would pose no issue for the faithful.

HotBurrito1 Sun 28-Apr-13 08:55:47

Littlepeapod -soon to be ex.

superbabysmummy Sun 28-Apr-13 08:55:50

Do your wife a favour, leave her. It's like ripping off a plaster, it'll hurt like he'll but in the long run she'll be happier than you can ever make her. Just make sure you pull your weight with your kids but don't mess her around, you've fine enough of that.

LittlePeaPod Sun 28-Apr-13 08:59:29

Hot - thank you

hairclipcloe Sun 28-Apr-13 09:05:19

Op, you aren't weak, you are deceitful, selfish and dishonest. Why would any one want to continue in a relationship with someone like that? You chose to to all the things you did because you put your needs above anything else. You were prepared to risk everything because YOU wanted to. Trying to say 'oh it's not my fault I can't help it' fools no one. Look at yourself - maybe you need to come to terms with the fact that you actually aren't a very nice person rather than being weak. Your stbx deserves to be with someone who isn't fucking around behind her back. You clearly cannot be trusted. Stop being a baby and take responsibility for your actions.

Concentrateonthegood Sun 28-Apr-13 09:08:36

OP, my ex contacted me a couple of weeks ago. We've been apart for 11 years. The same amount of time we were together. I gave him a couple of chances only for him to choose the greener grass on the other side. He bitterly regrets our split, says he has and will always love me. I also know that I will always love him on some sort of level. However, it does not matter. What we deal with here are accepting the consequences of our actions. You may be given another chance but your poor wife will live a life feeling suspicious and not able to trust the one person she should. She deserves peace of mind and happiness. You've been a fool to your ego at the expense of the stability of your family. I feel sorry for you but not half as much as I do your wife.

skaboy Sun 28-Apr-13 09:09:27

Fucks sake - weakness is a fucking joke of an excuse. When I split from my cheating wife a few months ago she pulled all of the self-pity cards then when that didn't work it started to be tenuous excuses trying to put the blame onto me. I now have drawn a line through the whole thing, because (a) none of it was my fault, (b) she wouldn't even face up to the fact that everything she has done was avoidable and it just took a bit of common sense to avoid the situation and (c) everything that comes out of her mouth is either a lie or a manipulative comment such as the ones in the OP designed to reel me back in.

The result - I feel stronger than I have ever done and can't believe I let myself be messed around for so long.

If she'd have put a thread on a forum such as this and I'd found it I probably wouldn't be able to type a reply as I'd be laughing too much

happyfreeconfused Sun 28-Apr-13 09:52:41

I wish this forum really was for women/mums only. I feel that every time I read a post from a man.

yonihead Sun 28-Apr-13 09:58:54

Op to infer you are weak suggests that in order to be strong you would need to fight your natural urges and desires which in this case is to chase other women.
Disgusting.

VitoCorleone Sun 28-Apr-13 10:07:25

OPsSTBX get rid of him. A secret phone? Yep my ex had one too, and messaging women on facebook? What a fucking low life, sounds to me like you will spend the rest of your life worrying because it seems all a woman has to do is show a bit of interest and heforgets his wife and child. Disgusting. You will be better off without him

angry

VitoCorleone Sun 28-Apr-13 10:08:09

OPsSTBX get rid of him. A secret phone? Yep my ex had one too, and messaging women on facebook? What a fucking low life, sounds to me like you will spend the rest of your life worrying because it seems all a woman has to do is show a bit of interest and heforgets his wife and child. Disgusting. You will be better off without him

angry

Lueji Sun 28-Apr-13 10:08:33

OP. let your wife go.

I've been married for nearly 20years.
Several times over this period I have been contacted by ex BF's looking to see me.
Every time I say no and cut off contact.
Too bad you are such an immature fool not to have done the same. You chose to follow it up with these women, it didn't just happen.
Did you think of your wife and children when you were seating Ms Ex?
No, your only thoughts were for yourself and your cheap, tacky ego boost.
And you were forgiven.
So you do it again.
You deserve no sympathy or compassion and I hope your wife kicks your sorry arse out so she can finally meet someone decent who knows how to say no when Ms Ex comes a calling.
Not you, obviously. Now find another place to lay your lying head and do your STBEW a favour. hmm

bleedingheart Sun 28-Apr-13 11:19:51

OP you have no chance of sustaining a successful relationship with anyone if you can't take ownership of your behaviour and choices. There was absolutely no need to respond to the status update on FaceBook at all let alone with a flirty comment. Why did you feel you had to comment on how your ex was looking? You could have said it was nice to see her. You instigated the tone the messages took. You did. You chose to send sexual messages.
How would you have felt if you'd seen similar messages from your wife to an ex of hers?
Any little bit of female attention and you're on it like a horny Jack Russell.
Grow up and be a good dad. That might mean moving out and letting your wife meet someone she can trust and who is worthy of her love.

OPsSTBX Sun 28-Apr-13 22:22:08

He's gone.

I am hurting so much, but I deserve love, honesty and respect and he didnt give me any of those things sad

OPsSTBX Sun 28-Apr-13 22:23:43

I should add that I appreciate your support but I wont be posting under this name again. Would rather put this whole horrible Jeremy Kyle thread to rest.

fuckitybollocks Sun 28-Apr-13 22:25:29

Have a hug. You have totally done all the right things. What an entitled hit. (Ad I appear to be starting to know one when I see one). You are worth so much more. X

CabbageLeaves Sun 28-Apr-13 22:37:05

Hugs sad

arsenaltilidie Mon 29-Apr-13 01:44:36

As the saying goes..'fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me..'
OP's wife: well done for getting rid, stay strong. It will get better.

I dont believe for one second he went to the extent of buying a second phone, hiding it in the office just to send a receive a few texts whilst hes at work hmm.

OP's STBX: Best of luck, you will feel better in time and you have done the right thing.

OP: Yes, you are weak. You are weak because you can't be arsed to acknowledge that monogamy is not for you, you want to look 'normal' and you are incapable of being honest with yourself or your partners.

There's nothing wrong with rejecting monogamy but it takes guts to do it in a fair and honourable way.

Dahlen Mon 29-Apr-13 12:48:39

OP - think about times in your life where you have had to do something very difficult or something you really didn't want to do but did it because you knew you had to. I daresay there are countless examples - from paying a bill to doing something as part of your job

Fidelity in relationships where monogamy is one of the binding rules is simply another example of that.

It's simply a question of mindset and the importance you attach to it. If your wife's trust and feelings were as important to you as not getting fired for not doing your job properly, you would think a lot harder about doing anything to jeopardise your marriage. The fact that you didn't means you either don't love her as much as you claim, or, deep down, you believe that your wants and needs are more important than hers and that after a suitable time of anger she should just 'get over it'.

If you were on the receiving end of either of those, you wouldn't be hanging around would you.

If you seriously want to change your behaviour, take a good, long look at your attitudes towards women and relationships. You might not like what you see when you start delving below the surface, but you won't achieve change unless you're willing to feel that discomfort and shame.

Or you could just say you're too weak to cope with that, beg forgiveness and repeat the same mistakes in all your subsequent relationships - which is what most men in your situation do.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now