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I can't be fucked to name change. Follow on from DPs ex has cancer. Just found a suitcase in his room.

(198 Posts)
SirBoobAlot Sat 27-Apr-13 21:22:08

I've been drinking. Don't care.

Was round at his housemates, needed some hand cream, knew he had some E45 in his room, went to get some. Found a purple suitcase on his bed. Dress on top of it. Full of various 'girly' outfits inside. He told me he was out with someone work related last night.

The bastard has lied to me before, and now he is totally fucking me over.

We were supposed to be going out tomorrow night. He told me today that he couldn't, as he had 'football' plans.

I need to tell him to get fucked, but I feel broken.

I', 21, disabled, with a three year old son. He told me he loved me. I believed him. I feel like a complete dick. He said he loved me. I believed him.

Please, either tell me to think rationally and that I'm over reacting, or that I'm being taken for a ride. Because I can't handle this any more.

Leverette Sat 27-Apr-13 21:24:46

Have I got this right; your DP lives in a shared house and he has a suitcase of girl's stuff in his room?

Have you asked him?

Holding your hand.

Skinnywhippet Sat 27-Apr-13 21:25:50

He prioritises football over you and your child, he has women's clothes in his room. You don't need to ask us. Is he also 21 ? If so, I don't think he is mature enough for a relationship and children.

lisad123everybodydancenow Sat 27-Apr-13 21:26:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

monsterchild Sat 27-Apr-13 21:27:15

Oh no! I don't know what to say, but if he's done this before I'd be wary of giving him another chance.

It hurts when someone who says they love you does this, sadly I know.
I think you're best rid of him if only because you can't trust him.

AudreyParker Sat 27-Apr-13 21:29:30

Fuckeroo, was that thread you? LL?

That stayed with me for months. Did you ever find out if it was true or not?

CajaDeLaMemoria Sat 27-Apr-13 21:29:42

I'm so sorry sad please be careful, and look after yourself...

Where is he now? Do you know?

AudreyParker Sat 27-Apr-13 21:30:15

So do you think he's had the ex staying over? Fucking bastard.

SirBoobAlot Sat 27-Apr-13 21:30:44

No. Previous thread under the screen name of luminiouslaces but I can't be fucked to name change. All the previous lies and deception come up there.

We don't live together. I picked up some stuff for his flat mate in town, took it over, went to his room... etc.

He's lied to me before. But little lies.

I don't know what to make of this.

He's in his 40s, older than me, not his DS, but they are very fond of each other.

lemonstartree Sat 27-Apr-13 21:30:59

can you link to your previous thread ?

LemonPeculiarJones Sat 27-Apr-13 21:31:23

Oh dear. But hang on - where is your DP? Is he not there with you?

If he is out but knew you would be there, wouldn't he hide evidence of another woman?

Sorry if your other thread sheds extra light on your post, I haven't read it.

But if he's cheating on you then you will be better off without him. You're very young, you will recover, you will be able to find a faithful, loving partner.

You sound in shock, understandably, and the booze doesn't help. Deep breath, speak to him, and whatever happens know that although separation is painful in the short term, the long term truth is that you have escaped a total fuckwit. And that is the best outcome.


SirBoobAlot Sat 27-Apr-13 21:32:39

Not ex's size clothes. I looked.

Ex was lying and now not talking to him because he called her on the lies.

House mate says she didn't hear anyone come in last night. He's saying it's work related. No one stayed on the sofa.

Bastard. Absolute bastard.

I feel broken, and like I've been taken for a fucking ride.

diddl Sat 27-Apr-13 21:34:00

You know what?

You're only 21!

If he's messed you about & you just can't be bothered anymore-get rid!

SirBoobAlot Sat 27-Apr-13 21:34:12

He's been sending me 'sexy' texts all day about looking forward our night together on Monday. Whilst last night he was fucking someone else.

diddl Sat 27-Apr-13 21:35:15

Are they his size clothes?

What is his work?

thenightsky Sat 27-Apr-13 21:35:22

Bloody hell. I remember your 'cancer' thread. sad

So she really was pulling his strings then?

SirBoobAlot Sat 27-Apr-13 21:36:51

No, not his size clothes either. Crossed my mind.

He owns a shop.

Yes she was lying, as far as I know, and has stopped all contact since he stopped reacting to them.

Feel like a completely twat. Stuck by him through all of that, and now this.

Portofino Sat 27-Apr-13 21:36:58

Dump his sorry arse and get on with your life. I know you are upset, but you have your whole life ahead of you. You will get past this.

diddl Sat 27-Apr-13 21:37:05

So he's moved someone in with him?

BOF Sat 27-Apr-13 21:38:07

Just fuck him off, love. Trust me.

PurpleThing Sat 27-Apr-13 21:38:19

Why don't you live together?

I remember the other thread. Sorry but it sounds like he is lying a lot. My stbxh was like this, little lies getting bigger and more hurtful and then he started get worse and worse - abusive etc.

I hope this doesn't sound patronising but you are a lot younger than him, disabled and a single parent. That makes you vulnerable and an easy target for gits.

Any chance he's a cross dresser?

I remember your other thread, I'd have sacked him off ages ago tbh. You're only 21? You don't need this shit, just get rid.

LemonPeculiarJones Sat 27-Apr-13 21:38:29

If there have been previous lies and deception you have to bin him. You do not need shit like that in your life.

Clear him out of your head and heart, make space for some new, positive experiences and people.

He sounds a nightmare.

SirBoobAlot Sat 27-Apr-13 21:41:52

No, he's not. He'd have told me by now - we've been quite 'adventurous' sexually.

He's been so positive in my life half the time, the other half I spend crying. I don't need this shit. Surely a relationship shouldn't be this much hard work?

AudreyParker Sat 27-Apr-13 21:42:00

Yup. Just get rid.

We're all here for you.

diddl Sat 27-Apr-13 21:45:15

Well imo, no it shouldn't.

Not to the point of spending a lot of time crying!

usualsuspect Sat 27-Apr-13 21:45:19

Have you asked him who's clothes they are?

Portofino Sat 27-Apr-13 21:46:25

No of course it should not be hard work. My dh got depressed last year and it made life difficult and sometimes he can be a right tit, but 95% of the time, he he is a very good, helpful husband and father. Your dp just sounds like hard work.

Willabywallaby Sat 27-Apr-13 21:47:01

You deserve better.

SirBoobAlot Sat 27-Apr-13 21:50:25

And he's great a lot of the time; supporting me through therapy etc. But on Monday I really needed him too, my friend got found guilty in court, he knew I was upset, I texted him as he was in a meeting when I heard the result, heard nothing from him till the following morning, all acting normal. He apologised for letting me down when I checked him on it that evening, but am still upset about it.

And now this.

He's saying it was X from <work related place> and that her work mate Y has a hotel. I don't believe him.

I know you have to work for a good relationship. I'm willing to work. but all I seem to be working against are lies. And 'feel good' compliments when it suits him.

His bed was rumpled with her suitcase in the middle and her shower things n his bed side cabinet. I ddon't believe it was just work.

BOF Sat 27-Apr-13 21:50:31

It should not be this hard.

Don't you remember Reality's 'Listen Up' post?

CharlieUniformNovemberTango Sat 27-Apr-13 21:51:49

sad - you deserve so much more then this. Ha;f the time crying is not how your life should be spent.

trikken Sat 27-Apr-13 21:51:49

Oh no Sirboob, sorry to hear this is happening to you.

It really shouldnt be this hard work, you definitely need a chat to find ouf wtaf is going on. <hug>

LemonPeculiarJones Sat 27-Apr-13 21:52:39

No it shouldn't be hard work. You are spending half your time unhappy. That is a bad relationship. You need to get yourself free of it.

I know it hurts SirBoob sad But - ending this relationship will make you happier. And will open up your life to new and wonderful possibilities.

SirBoobAlot Sat 27-Apr-13 21:55:09

How do I do that, lemon? I know he's being a wanker. I know he is. But he's made me feel stronger, and better about myself. How do I then walk away from it?

Fucks sake, I felt like I had made so much progress mentally. I really haven't.

BOF Sat 27-Apr-13 21:56:03

Here you go, a reminder.

I cried a lot with my ex. The relationship I'm in now, and have been for seven years? Never. NEVER. Nothing but happiness with him. Sure, I cry at shite on the news or the world or whatever, but he never gives me a moment's disquiet.

SirBoobAlot Sat 27-Apr-13 21:58:28

Stupid thing, BOF? This is the best relationship I've ever been in. This is the only one that has ever made me feel good about myself.

What a fucking mess.

HolyFocaccia Sat 27-Apr-13 21:59:31

You have made progress.
You have made yourself feel stronger, not him. He has been there for you, yes but you have got the strength from within yourself.

Holding your hand x

<waves at SirBoob>

Dont let the fucker get you down! He hasn't made you stronger, you have done that! You have progressed and whether he was around or not you would have still done it and you still can.

You don't believe it was just work so go from there. You don't need him. You are a strong woman. You can walk away and you can still progress.

Chin up girl.

SirBoobAlot Sat 27-Apr-13 22:00:44

I don't feel strong right now.

MissBlennerhassett Sat 27-Apr-13 22:00:57

You take the good stuff, the positivity, the confidence etc and you walk away with your head up. You feel shit now but that's temporary. Hard, but temporary. You are young, fiesty and funny. He, sadly, is a wanker. When you feel less hurt by this, you can build on the strength you clearly already have. I believe in you smile

HolyFocaccia Sat 27-Apr-13 22:02:12

You have had a shock. I imagine all of us would feel this way.
You will get through this. Accept no bullshit, you deserve the truth. You deserve to be treated with respect x

You are strong. You are really young (says the really old 22 year old grin) and you can still find someone who treats you the way you deserve.

ClaraOswald Sat 27-Apr-13 22:03:01

He's a user. You haven't done anything wrong in this. He chose to "entertain" this person. He can deal with the fall out.

Portofino Sat 27-Apr-13 22:04:17

You don't need a relationship to make you feel good about yourself. It should come from within. I can honestly say that YOU are a person in your own right, who deserves to be treated respectfully. He is NOT making you feel good. He is making you cry and worry and doubt. You don't have to live like that.

AudreyParker Sat 27-Apr-13 22:04:31

Boobs, my love, you are very young.

There is a whole world of lovely men out there.

I was with a liar, and that shifting sands feeling is so draining and damaging. Never being able to trust a si gle stupid thing he said, god. Exhausting.

But I've been with dh for 6 wonderful years, we met when I was 27 and a single parent. He has never made me cry, never given me reason to mistrust him. He's my anchor. Being with him is the easiest thing in the world. He enriches my life every single day.

Be on your own until that person comes along for you. Anything less is selling yourself short. You deserve someone amazing, not someone that's just ok some of the time.

SirBoobAlot Sat 27-Apr-13 22:05:22

Pathetically I am still hoping for a logically explanation. Could someone PM me a backbone please? I'm ridiculous.

Thank you for the hold holding.

WandaDoff Sat 27-Apr-13 22:05:29

My advice to my younger self on another thread was,

'You could do so much better than him'.

I'd like to give that advice to you as well, if you don't mind.

He doesn't deserve you.

OnTheNingNangNong Sat 27-Apr-13 22:07:28

You are strong, he hasn't helped you feel better with yourself- he's made you cry far too often, you made yourself a stronger person.

You may not feel it, it's a horrible horrible shock, but you do not need him, he isn't a nice man, you are lovely and deserve a fuckton more for you and your son.

Portofino Sat 27-Apr-13 22:07:45

There IS a logical explanation. He is a waste of oxygen.

SirBoobAlot Sat 27-Apr-13 22:07:57

Please stop telling me that I am young. Please. Because this just makes me feel like this is my fault. And I need to feel like he is at least partially to blame or I fall apart.

He is to blame! Saying you are young doesn't mean you are to blame, it means you have plenty of time to find someone who deserves you!

Trust me I was with the biggest nobber when I was 15 and I felt exactly how you do now in the sense of blame. You are not to blame for him been the highest bell end ever.

Portofino Sat 27-Apr-13 22:10:29

It's not your fault because you are young. It's more the case that some of us are old, been there, done that. Well me anyway.

Sunnywithshowers Sat 27-Apr-13 22:10:47

It's nothing to do with your age, SirBoob. It's him being a liar and a cheat.

You deserve better. Big hugs and flowers to you xxx

HolyFocaccia Sat 27-Apr-13 22:11:00

I know it seems cliche but you are still young. I was in a very bad relationship at 21. I dont want to go into detail but it was a dark place for me.
I am 25 now with 2 children and a dh nothing like my ex.
21 seems a long time ago for me. One day you will look back on this and feel even stronger than you do now. Nobody has the right to make you feel this way. Take the power back, you will feel better for it in the end x

Portofino Sat 27-Apr-13 22:11:06

Of course he is to blame.

AudreyParker Sat 27-Apr-13 22:11:41

He is totally to blame. I just mean that you have you whole life ahead of you. Don't waste your youth on a 40yo inadequate loser with a shaky grip on reality and an even shakier grip on fidelity.

He's a prick, and you are a life filled with amazing possibilities. Fuck him off and go and enjoy life.

HolyFocaccia Sat 27-Apr-13 22:11:47

Sorry, x posted

usualsuspect Sat 27-Apr-13 22:14:14

If you don't trust him there is no relationship.

SirBoobAlot Sat 27-Apr-13 22:15:47

I've been with bastards. And this is nothing as 'serious' as some of the shit shit I've been through, and I know it's pathetic in comparision to some of the horrific situations that go on every day.

But I actually believed him. I believed we would be happy. I believed that he would be there for me, and for my DS.

Feel like such a fucking idiot.

I've let so much go pass, accepted it as 'normal'. This is just one thing too many.

Portofino Sat 27-Apr-13 22:17:26

When I was 21 I had a shit job and lived with a bloke who had form for DV, though he never touched me. I am 44 and my life has panned out in an entirely different way. You have to put yourself first (and your ds). You have all the time in the world. Concentrate on you. What do you want to achieve? Do you have good friends? What do you want to do with your life?

MissBlennerhassett Sat 27-Apr-13 22:17:32

It isn't meant that way at all. He is to blame. You aren't.

Saying you're young in this case is not to make you feel naive, more that you have a long future without this particular ratbag. You really don't have to settle for less than you're worth; however old you are.

MissBlennerhassett Sat 27-Apr-13 22:18:15

X post, a lot!

Portofino Sat 27-Apr-13 22:18:45

Grab the anger and use it.

SorBoob You shouldn't have to put up with any shit! Never mind not very serious shit.

Doesn't matter the seriousness of the bullshit at all. You need to remember that. I now don't stand for any bullshit and will call people on it after that fucked up relationship.

You are not an idiot! He is the idiot. As you say you have let alot of thing pass and accepted it as normal which means deep down you know its not acceptable.

SirBoob nor Sorboob! Sorry

marriedinwhiteagain Sat 27-Apr-13 22:21:48

OK - I'm not going to tell you that you are young. He, however, is in his 40s and should know better than to mess with someone who is clearly vulnerable. You are worth better. And what the heck is a grown man of 40 something doing in digs?

awkwardsis Sat 27-Apr-13 22:22:05

Sirboob, it's time for you to leave this cunt. Also, if I may be frank, I've been here many many years, I believe your ds's dad is also much older than you and also treated you appalingly. I think, when you've sobered up a bit, you need to really think about what makes you accept these men. Is it the belief you can't do any better? I know you have stuff in your past that has probably wrecked your self esteem (fellow ED sufferer here). But these older men will look on you as an absolute trophy, and they still treat you like shit. I think you need to be on your own for a bit and see that you deserve to be treated better. I could never be with someone that much older than me, and put up with that many lies. But I am also older than you. I lost my twenties to the wrong men, believing I was worth no better. Please don't make the same mistake. Are you still there now? Can you get home safely?

SirBoobAlot Sat 27-Apr-13 22:22:26

What I want to achieve it destroyed by my ill health. And the ridiculous thing is that he was the one that made me believe it was possible again, he got my books and encouraged me to believe in myself, telling me that I would achieve it all.

I'm a breastfeeding peer supporter. That's it. That's all I do. And i love it, but the politics are getting too much. So the freedom he gives me, and the work I do for him, gives me the extra let out. So by cutting him off, I'm cutting off part of me, and I guess that frightens me just as much.

I have few real friends. Lot's of people can't cope with getting a scholarship, then a disability, then a pregnancy... I can count my real life friends on one hand. He is my biggest social out going.

I feel even more pathetic now.

HolyFocaccia Sat 27-Apr-13 22:23:09

I agree with married here.

Portofino Sat 27-Apr-13 22:25:59

You sound wonderful. Being a BF peer supporter aged 21 is just great! You should be proud of yourself! Have you tried the Mn local group?

SirBoobAlot Sat 27-Apr-13 22:28:04

Ah awkwardsis, you remember well. Yes, DSs dad is also older, and a prick. Though actually I came home in tears, he'd already put DS to bed, he gave me a hug and told me that (D? Ex?)P was a twat.

ED at bay currently but SH lingering in the background, don't want to fuck up six months clean.

Was alone for a while after I split with exP, and I'm not really afraid of being alone any more. But... This is so unfair. I know that;s childish. But why do all my other halves end up treating me like shit?

Boob You did it! You achieved what you did because of your strength and because you believed. You wouldn't have done it had it not been for yourself.

You need to stop putting all your achievements on him and start realising you did all of that.

squeakytoy Sat 27-Apr-13 22:29:10

"Stupid thing, BOF? This is the best relationship I've ever been in"

you are 21! honestly, I didnt have a good relationship until I was in my 30's and many many of my friends will say exactly the same..

you are young, you have years ahead of you yet to meet someone decent who will treat you properly and not muck you around.. dont waste time on a loser..

he has made you realise that you can achieve things, well believe me, you can also go on to achieve a lot more without him as well!

SirBoobAlot Sat 27-Apr-13 22:30:57

Porto you were one of the first MN screen names I started to recognise. Don't think i've ever told you that.

I've been a BF peer supporter for nearly three years now. I don't really feel proud of myself right now. But thank you for the support.

marriedinwhiteagain Sat 27-Apr-13 22:31:39

Listen darling - I was subfertile, eventually managed to produce two children (don't ask about that journey) by the time I was 38 and was absolute crap at breast feeding let alone being a peer supporter for anyone else. You are 21, have a child and are so good at b/f you can help other people do it. There are lots and lots of other things you will good at and the first thing is finding a little of bit of peace where you can build yourself up and hopefully with some help, even if it's only from us lot on here, find some independence and some stability. Enjoy being a mummy - it is a very important job - once you accept that success you will be able to build on others and you don't need a gitly man to do it. Develop your git alert.

marriedinwhiteagain Sat 27-Apr-13 22:32:21

And also, I'm really sorry you have had a shit day or so. >>>hugs<<<<

SirBoobAlot Sat 27-Apr-13 22:34:28

Am just going to divert from my self indulgent drivel here, married, to tell you that no one is ''absolute crap at breast feeding''. Please don't feel that way about yourself. x

Portofino Sat 27-Apr-13 22:35:18

Agree with squeaky toy. I put up with all sorts in my 20s, not all necessarily bad. I found confidence in my 30s, got a new relationship, had dd aged 35. Your life is not over because you found a bad'un aged 21. The world is your oyster. All you need is the confidence to get out there and live it.

ClaraOswald Sat 27-Apr-13 22:35:31

You are 21 and have achieved more than a lot of people your age who don't have your health problems.

Is that where you got the idea for your MN name then Boob? Makes sense if so grin

On a serious note you are great, he isn't. Kick him to the kerb! move on and move up and you will be happy.

I'm a young un too, I also have a 3 year old but I have no partner and I'm getting on with it but you have done alot more then me! I need to step up my game grin

Portofino Sat 27-Apr-13 22:37:30

I tried very hard to bf and it did not work. I would have loved to have met someone like you at the time. It is REALLY important what you are doing.

marriedinwhiteagain Sat 27-Apr-13 22:39:02

Woah SirBoob my two are 18 and nearly 15. I got over it and won't be doing it again. Didn't mean to hijack - just trying to put it in perspective a bit. thanks

SirBoobAlot Sat 27-Apr-13 22:40:15

SP, that, and DS only weaned in October. Hope that has answered the question you've never asked..! (IE, I'm not a flasher.)

He hasn't text me back in over an hour. I don't know whether to read that as ''Oh FFS SirBoob, don't be so stupid'' or guilt.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 27-Apr-13 22:41:03

SirBoob you really do deserve better than this wanker, really you do.

No-one is saying you are young in a 'you're young you don't know what you're doing' way. Simply that you have such a lot of life yet to live, why waste a moment of it dealing with a total lowlife like him?

I actually thought maybe flashing was a reason grin

Him not reply is him been a big fat donkey dick of a man. He wants you to question yourself but dont you dare.

K8Middleton Sat 27-Apr-13 22:46:09

It's never too late to be happy.

SirBoobAlot Sat 27-Apr-13 22:57:33

He's supposed to be coming over on Monday, I don't want him to. I don't want to see him right now.

BOF Sat 27-Apr-13 22:57:54

I didn't say anything about a stupid thing, did I? I don't think you are stupid AT ALL.

coffeewineandchocolate Sat 27-Apr-13 22:59:21


Your backbone :-) now tell the guy to do one and stop the downer you have on yourself! You have made any progress in your emotional well being not him, in fact despite jim!

Tell him you don't want to see him then. You do what you want.

sugarandspite Sat 27-Apr-13 23:04:47


I'm mainly a lurker but have been on MN a while and started recognising you when I was prowling around the bf board. I was struck then by how wise and compassionate you are and later on, reading other threads I was amazed by how strong and brave you are and what a lovely lovely mum you are.

I think sometimes its very hard and tiring being wise and kind and brave. And sometimes when things that you think are finally going well actually turn out to be a bit crap, you can feel just like you haven't got the energy to fight any more.

But tomorrow, or maybe the next day, you're going to feel so much more energised and ready to tell this sorry excuse for a man that you're not buying his shit.

Because you're worth so very much more than this bollocks. And you have so very much more important things to think about.

And one day you're going to come across a bloke who just adores you, and it will be so easy and so great and so happy.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 27-Apr-13 23:20:27

So tell him not to come over then. You don't have to do anything you don't want to.

Portofino Sat 27-Apr-13 23:23:00

Tell him no. As I said, my dh can be a git. He makes me enraged. He never makes me cry. You don't need a man that makes you sad and makes you cry.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeneloPeePitstop Sat 27-Apr-13 23:42:49

You WILL be ok. Know that.
Thinking of you x

Oh, and Akers any aggression out on that vile purple and yellow sign next door wink

SirBoobAlot Sat 27-Apr-13 23:55:52

Sugarandspite you've made me cry. x

Thank you all. I'm going to try and sleep now as am going to have one fuck of a hangover in the morning. Still no word from the knob. He's told flat mate same as he told me, she's someone work related. I need some head space, really wish I could run away for a few days just to physically distance myself from everything.

Thanks all. Really appreciated being told I'm not making a fuss over nothing.

Sunnywithshowers Sun 28-Apr-13 01:03:37

SirBoob, you're one of the faces I recognise on here. I'm always struck by how much you have to cope with, and how you do so.

You are brave and strong. And amazing. Hang in there lovely smile

I hope you sleep well tonight, and your hangover isn't too horrific.

Big hugs xxx flowers

Nothing to add that hasn't been said except {{hugs}} from me too. xxx

SirBoobAlot Sun 28-Apr-13 04:26:43

Woke up because DS was crying and now I can't get back to sleep. Have had a glass of ribena and another pint of water, hoping my head isn't too bad later in the morning.

My head keeps spinning over everything. If it is X from <work related location>'s suitcase, why not tell me she was coming to stay? Or at least tell his flat mate? Why is she staying at his and not at the hotel like Y apparently is?

Apart from the obvious, "He's a lying bastard".

He's been more distant the last few weeks, though he said it was because of work stress (plausible). Though now I am doubting every single thing he has told me for months.

Why do I always manage to pick the wankers?

MrsShrek3 Sun 28-Apr-13 05:32:14

ahh ribena, pref in pints, awesome hangover prevention wink Believe me I know grin

you said earlier you need head space. is there anywhere you and dc can do a runner to for a couple of days? put some distance between you and The Wanker ?

So his story is that a work colleague stayed over in his bed? Why though? Where did he supposedly sleep? And if it was for a work reason, why not stay in a hotel? Makes no sense. Had he changed the sheets do you know? If they were the same that had been on for a while then it definitely wasn't a doing a friend a favour thing.

chattychattyboomba Sun 28-Apr-13 07:23:11

Sirboobalot- i can relate so much to what you are going through.when i was 21 i met a 37y/o charming Canadian guy. He was successful, intelligent, funny, accomplished and the chemistry was through the roof...
He built me up, made me feel special.....
then he ripped out my heart and pissed all over it.

I look back now and think, how was he able to get me to even give him a chance again after the first time i even suspected him being dishonest? He had a way of making me feel that maybe i was the one being unreasonable. Anyway turns out he had two of us for quite some time and couldn't wouldn't decide between us.
After feeling like my heart could never love again i met my (now DH).
You are going to be fine- better than fine! Without him taking you on this emotional roller coaster.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sun 28-Apr-13 09:12:31

Hi Boob. I also pick the wankers sad It's not fair! I've decided to go and get help in the hopes that I can break the pattern of picking bastards.

I am also young, and am yet to have a healthy relationship. I see being young as a positive, as it means I can sort myself out and have a proper healthy relationship before its too late.

You need to decide what will make you happy.

Could you do a course or something?

You could also try doing a MN meet up to meet more people?

I hope your feeling a bit better this morning smile

SirBoobAlot Sun 28-Apr-13 10:07:36

Thanks all. Don't feel quite as horrific as I possibly should - yet.

Ehric - they were fresh sheets, and his room was pretty much spotless. So the someone from work thing is plausible on that level. But the covers were ruffled, her shampoo and conditioner were on his bedside cabinet, and flatmate said no one was asleep on the sofa when she left before him yesterday morning. So she had obviously slept in his bed. With him. And he will tell me it was perfectly innocent and that he was doing a friend a favour, same as he did last time something like this happened - except that time it was his ex, and it was the flat mate who told me she had slept in his bed. His explanation then was "We've just got a new sofa, I don't want anyone sleeping on it. I slept as far away from her as possible. We were together for X years, SirBoob, I'm capable of laying next to her and not having sex, you know.".

Rant there. Sorry.

He has offered no explanation of what is going on, just the original text he sent me about it being X from work-related-location. Hasn't contacted me at all, actually. So he's obviously far too busy to give a shit about how I am feeling right now. Either that, or he sees his explanation as sufficient and doesn't see the need to say anything further.

My mum has DS this afternoon, I'm tempted to go and see what he has to say, but at the same time, don't think I want to hear it.

CajaDeLaMemoria Sun 28-Apr-13 10:20:39

He's a tosser. You know it, really. He let his ex sleep in his bed? And now someone from work? Does he think it's every woman's dream to be in his bed or something?

I'm the same age as you, so I won't tell you that you're young. I feel old! But I will say there are nice guys out there. I've only ever found the one (and fingers crossed I won't ever need to look again!) but it's just so easy. No crying, no pain, no weird people in his bed. It's just easy, and loving, and worth it.

He's not, so leave his lying ass.

MrsDeVere Sun 28-Apr-13 10:27:02

If my DD was alive she would be the same age as you.

Don't waste your life on this man.
Please just stop letting him do this to you.

Its not worth it and one day when you are as ancient as me you will know it.
But don't let it take you that long.

You are an adult, you are a mother, you are not a child but you are still so young with a life in front of you.

Don't waste another second of it.

awkwardsis Sun 28-Apr-13 10:32:26

Don't go round there. It's not worth the humiliation of him knowing at you care. It's time to brace those shoulders, stick your chin in the air and learn not to give a fuck. No more contact. Nothing. Delete his number and get on with your life.

I'm tempted to go and see what he has to say


Why would you put any value on anything he has to say?

If you do plan to ever speak or have contact with him again, then at the very least, make him initiate it.

SirBoobAlot Sun 28-Apr-13 10:41:34

No, you're all right.

Just don't know if I'm actually strong enough to walk away.

ClaraOswald Sun 28-Apr-13 11:05:41

You are a strong young woman.

What if this had happened to another poster? What would your advice be to them?

SirBoobAlot Sun 28-Apr-13 11:18:25

I'd tell them to leave the bastard, probably.

Hi Boob! You are strong enough, deep down you know it.

LadyMountbatten Sun 28-Apr-13 11:21:31

but why would you stay, OP?


LIZS Sun 28-Apr-13 11:28:55

You clearly have had doubts for a while since you are much quicker to believe your own instincts than trust his explanations. His stories are so extreme and complicated I doubt he is in touch with the truth himself. Most people do not lead such lives and living in a shared house in 40's is in itself a bit unusual. Honestly , you can do better , both you and your ds certainly deserve to have more positive energy in his life than this man is prepared to offer.

SirBoobAlot Sun 28-Apr-13 11:38:25

Because he's been there for me. After each therapy session ended, he'd have a hug and a cup of tea waiting for me. Every week, for six months, he'd go over it all with me so I didn't go home a mess.

He's the one that encouraged me to get back into studying again, even if it's just self taught, when I'd started to feel like I was incapable of ever being as bright as I was before getting ill.

He's been there for every hospital appointment, held my hand when they were putting me to sleep for my operation, asked the questions he knew I wanted to ask but had forgotten to do so.

Because he's made me feel like it's okay to be me, that I don't have to be ashamed of who I am any more. I know now I can feel that way without him, but he started that process for me.

Because we have the most amazing discussions together, going from sex to philosophy to history to dreams within minutes, and still knowing exactly what we both mean.

I could continue. He's being a right wanker, and I'm not sure exactly what his explanation of this particular situation will be, but as ever online, there is more than you see written on a screen.

But then there is also more crap that I haven't covered here either.

Geckoandthemonkey Sun 28-Apr-13 11:38:58

Don't waste another second of your life! You and your dc are worth so much more than this.

It is difficult when kids are involved. Be strong. Tell him where it's at. Don't put up with his bullshit any longer. He's playing you like a fool. I have had my fair share of putting up with cheating, disrespect and then sweet talking to get back into my 'good books'. I wish I hadn't wasted my time with my ex, but that/those experiences have made me stronger, harder, wiser.

Is there anywhere you and dc can go to keep away for a while? I really think you need to think logically about this. Difficult, I know, there is so much emotion mixed into this. Ask yourself, why should you stay with a man who is disloyal, unfaithful, disrespectful? Why?

Thinking of you. Let us know how you get on. Stay strong! X

SirBoobAlot Sun 28-Apr-13 11:40:07

LIZS in his defense, there is a completely understandable reason why he is in the position of sharing a flat. It's something that gets him down a lot.

Geckoandthemonkey Sun 28-Apr-13 11:40:30

Cross posted. Sorry

If he is such a nice guy, why is he now being such a wanker?

bleedingheart Sun 28-Apr-13 11:41:00

You don't need to do anything. Ignore him. You must seize your anger and keep on building on the good things the relationship gave you. He hasn't said anything because he hasn't been able to come up with a plausible lie yet.

You are mature, wise and strong, you can do this.

Geckoandthemonkey Sun 28-Apr-13 11:41:30

Without fully knowing/understanding your situation, why does your partner not live with you?

SirBoobAlot Sun 28-Apr-13 11:42:29

I don't know. My immediate thought is that I've fucked up somewhere, and have become not good enough, but I can't work out when.

I really could do with getting away for a little while, as I will have to go past the area he works in pretty much every day this week.

SirBoobAlot Sun 28-Apr-13 11:44:36

We don't live together because, as much as he has met DS, and they get on well, I don't want to introduce anyone into our dynamic on a daily basis. DS is still very young. He stayed here for a week when moving houses, and we've been on holiday together. But I don't want anyone else living with us right now.

LIZS Sun 28-Apr-13 11:45:46

I do recall the other thread but not whether he went straight from ex p to a relationship with you or if there was time between. You are clearly vulnerable but bright and as you recover, seeking more than he offers. Acts of kindness are so not rare that you won't find another who can offer same if not more. Please don't set your ceiling so low at such as young age and settle for someone you cannot trust.

LadyMountbatten Sun 28-Apr-13 11:45:55

Yes. All that. But he's shagging someone else

That cancels out everything at the most basic level.

bleedingheart Sun 28-Apr-13 11:46:27

People are multi-faceted. He can be great at practical support (sometimes), discussions and sex but crap at truth and fidelity. Some people can manage all of it!

awkwardsis Sun 28-Apr-13 11:50:55

OK so he's been good while you were in therapy and you have great conversations. He also makes you doubt yourself, treats you appallingly and thinks its ok to ignore you. Not to mention that he's probably been cheating on you. Do nit think that because he perhaps treats you better an your last wanker of a partner it makes him any less of a wanker himself. I get it boob, I've been there. I'm still reeling over being left by dd's dad and it was a year ago. It hurt me and I still wonder what was wrong with me that made him leave. It takes a lot to realise that it wasn't me, it was him, and that I've been conditioned to always blame myself. The only thing I'm guilty of is putting the blame for others terrible behaviour on myself. You're doing the exact same thing. Someone who had any respect for you would not be doing this, and anyone with any self respect wouldn't put up with it either. You need to work in believing yourself worthy of being treated well. I think you probably radiate that and it attracts people who are then unsurprisingly going to treat you badly. These people feed off people with low self confidence.

SirBoobAlot Sun 28-Apr-13 12:25:50

You're all right.

He is shagging her, isn't he? He's going to offer me up some bullshit answer, but it's all going to be lies.

coffeewineandchocolate Sun 28-Apr-13 12:31:13

but you are going to tell him where to stick it, have a cry in private and then continue the hard work YOU have done to sortyourself emotionally. Then you will think back with relief you got rid of the tosser as you look at your happy and amazing life YOU have made with your DC

Even if he isn't shagging her, how much does he respect you to share a bed with another woman? How many women would be agreeable to sharing a bed with a man unless they were up for that level of intimacy? So even if they aren't shagging then they might as well be, because she wants to and he likes that. IMO. Because there is no way I would share a bed with a man unless I fancied him maybe not even then and his boundaries are way off if he thinks that's ok.

lottieandmia Sun 28-Apr-13 12:37:48

You should certainly confront him. It must have been really horrible for you to find that OP sad

SirBoobAlot Sun 28-Apr-13 12:42:43

No respect for me. And he knew I wouldn't like it or he would have told me in the first place... So he lied by omission.

Just had to text him something work related. Kept it short and to the point, didn't mention anything else.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Sun 28-Apr-13 12:44:26

I'm so sorry he's turned out to be a lying cheating scumbag. I read the cancer thread and alarm bells rang with me straight away, this new discovery is just the icing on the cake

There are good men out there, your turn for a good 'un will come. I am severely disabled too, my DH does all of those things you listed and lots more, he is my full time carer and does all child related stuff and housework (and we have six dc). He treats me so well, like I'm the most important precious thing on the planet. He doesn't lie and he doesnt cheat and he doesn't make me cry. You don't have to accept the bad to get the good, you can have it all or mostly good- but that doesn't happen if you stay with the wrong person

You deserve better, you really do

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SirBoobAlot Sun 28-Apr-13 13:07:04

That's what I thought too, Lunatic. Why hide it if it was innocent? "Hey Sirboob, you know I said Y was coming down from <place> to stay? Well X is now coming with him, she's going to stay here. Just giving you the heads up".

But no, what he actually did was, when I asked if he wanted to come over for dinner on Friday night was tell me that Y was down for work. No mention of her at all.

I feel like calling her all the names under the sun, and it's not fair, because it's his fault, not hers.

I'm also furiously angry over the fact that he has the canvas my son did him for his birthday up in his bedroom. For some reason that fact that he was fucking someone else with part of my son 'being' there has really upset me. Know that's ridiculous.

Keep wondering if the fact the video camera box was on a shelf nearby the bed was purely because that's where the shelves are, or for some other reason sad

LIZS Sun 28-Apr-13 13:07:22

Be prepared that when you discuss it he will turn it around on you - he feared you'd overreact like this which is why he didn't say , nothing happened so why won't you believe it , don't you trust me etc etc. He is playing on your insecurities and in turn your illness , that isn't a healthy balanced relationship.

Ashoething Sun 28-Apr-13 13:08:25

Why is a 40 odd year old man living in a shared house? That to me screams loser. He is NOT your therapy-he will not help you recover,he will bring you down. Honestly at 21 you have it all before you to have a wonderful life. Don't tie yourself to a twat just because he spins you lines.

Ashoething Sun 28-Apr-13 13:09:42

Camera? Do you think he made a sex tape with her boob-is this something he has asked you to partake it?

SirBoobAlot Sun 28-Apr-13 13:16:17

He's not a loser, he's had a rough few years. I will stand up for him on that point.

I don't know if he did. It was just a bit odd. His shelf is usually pretty cluttered, but it was clear, apart from the video camera box. I didn't check it. He did have to use it for something work related last week, so I may just be blowing things out of proportion, but it was one of the first things I noticed after the suitcase.

kittybiscuits Sun 28-Apr-13 13:18:15

SirBoobAlot (and I think you're amazing, btw. I had no idea the ex/cancer thread was yours) about this bloke: it sounds like he's nowhere near as much of a shit as the last one you had. However, and even if by some miracle he has not done something sexually inappropriate with this woman, this knobber has repeatedly put you in a situation where his actions have caused you worry and unhappiness. You have been extremely patient and understanding towards him. Very much so. If he was a good and caring partner he would not put you in this position. He would be transparent about his actions, and considerate of your position and how you will feel. He may be good with cups of tea after therapy (I have a view on this, having experienced it myself - the kind words before and after therapy designed to ensure you doubt yourself and feel bad saying anything critical to the therapist about him?), but he has repeatedly acted with disregard for your feelings, and been careless of you and your relationship. I think you know this is the dealbreaker. You don't trust him, and he has caused this, irrespective of whether he shagged her or not. You deserve so much better, and if you look, you will find it. If you believe you are unloveable, the end of a relationship is hard, whether you are young or old. When you know you deserve to be loved, you will find something much better. Lots of us struggle with this, young or old. I think you have a most sensible head on your shoulders and I trust you to find your way through this and deal with the situation when you are ready x

Ashoething Sun 28-Apr-13 13:19:18

Have you made a sex tape with him boob-was that what you meant by being sexually adventurous? What does rough few years mean? how did he end up at the age of 40 odd in a shared house? because it is really very odd indeed.

SirBoobAlot Sun 28-Apr-13 13:23:27

No we haven't made a sex tape. It just stuck me as odd it being on the shelf by itself. Like I say, it is probably totally irrelevant, and I am trying to focus on one thing to be upset about in particular than the whole scenario.

He's just had an incredibly rough time the last few years. I'm not going to say more than that as I'm already identifiable enough, and don't want to blurt out his private details in case anyone works of who he is, as that isn't fair on him.

openerofjars Sun 28-Apr-13 15:51:47

I'm a bit lurky so I don't think we've been on the same thread ever, but I always think your compassion for others shows through on the threads and I admire you, SirBoob. Show yourself the same kindness that you show others.

All that good stuff he did for you: that's the bottom line. It's what supportive partners do for each other. You should expect to be treated decently and well. It doesn't mean that he then gets to be unfaithful to you and lie about it. Its not like he can build up enough good bloke credit to have earned the right to do something shitty.

And minimising your feelings about it would be very wanky indeed.

SirBoobAlot Sun 28-Apr-13 23:38:20

Thank you again for all the kindness you've all shown here, and via PM.

Have had a few texts with him tonight, usual bollocks, "I did a friend a favour and you're giving me grief for it" type thing. He's supposed to be coming over tomorrow, and was making a big deal over not wanting to listen to ranting all evening. So I said, "Come over or don't. I'm so beyond encouraging you to spend time with me.". Not the "Oh just go fuck yourself" I was thinking, but a step in the right direction.

As it is, I ended up going out tonight to the same place I was supposed to be going with him, had a good evening, and got chat up several times, which is always good for a girl grin Won't follow any of it through, but still... A bit of praise when you feel like shit and cried yourself to sleep the night previously is helpful.

lottieandmia Sun 28-Apr-13 23:45:06

Oh, don't have him over - he will talk you round.

What is his explanation for having a woman's suitcase on his bed?

Sorry you're going through this & he's being a shit. No matter how good he's been to you, if he does this to you he's not good for you overall.

If there's anything I can do or you want to meet up please let me know x

CajaDeLaMemoria Mon 29-Apr-13 10:18:25

Tell him when he wants to be honest and treat you like you've got more than one braincell, you'll consider speaking to him.

Good work last night smile you're right, it does boost the confidence.

SirBoobAlot Mon 29-Apr-13 10:24:05

His 'explanation' went as follows: Y brings down X from <place>, the hotel doesn't have twin beds so I offer my room and sleep on the sofa then I get grief. I don't want grilling all tomorrow night and I don't want to loose you."

Which translates to me as ''Fuck I've been caught out being a wanker, how dare you catch me out and tell me about it?".

chezziejo Mon 29-Apr-13 10:29:54

Didn't his flat mate say no one slept on the sofa? Your right tho he's lying.

Lying cunt and the reason he doesn't want questioning is because he worries he wont remember his lies

Dahlen Mon 29-Apr-13 10:36:01

Some people can be genuinely nice people but utterly shit at relationships and capable of causing immense pain.

Your P sounds like one of them. It's not helpful to you to paint him as a demon because you know he isn't fully. However, the important bit to remember is that he is when it comes to being a partner. He can do the supportive friendship bit because that bit comes easily to him. What he can't do is the fidelity, honesty and reliability that you need. He will only ever make you miserable.

At 21, in your shoes I would end it and concentrate on building your role as a BF supporter and a mum without involving a third party. You've done amazingly well so far already. If you build on this by yourself, the confidence and independence this will give you will mean that when you do decide (if ever) to have another relationship, there won't be any element of 'need' in it and you'll be able to spot red flags a lot sooner. Ironically, this will probably mean you attract a much higher calibre of man, which is what you deserve.

Good luck.

GlitteryShitandDanglyBaubles Mon 29-Apr-13 10:38:01

How are you feeling this morning, SirBoob?

WhiteBirdBlueSky Mon 29-Apr-13 10:40:33

He's not worth it.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SirBoobAlot Mon 29-Apr-13 11:50:24

Feeling a bit worse for ware after two nights drinking and a night out in high heels, but otherwise fine. DS off playschool with suspected slapped cheek.

Might call my mental health nurse in a bit just to bring her up to speed. New therapy starts tomorrow - ironically the subject of the session is 'healthy relationships'.

SirBoobAlot Mon 29-Apr-13 19:47:26

Le Twat is coming over, mainly for the purpose of me telling him to fuck off to his face.

Any possibility of me forgiving him disappeared when he text me earlier saying "I'll be over at 8, but I'm leaving if you make things feel awkward. xxx". What a prize wanker. How dare he try and make me the bad guy here?!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Leverette Mon 29-Apr-13 19:53:37

He's actually trying to prohibit you from expressing your feelings about it isn't he shock

What a cunt.

You are so smart, clever and cool. I cannot square the fact that you're just 21. In 20 years time when you're as old as me you'll be absolutely unstoppably brilliant (I was a twat at your age, not much better now grin

Your DS has it made with you for his mum.

mylovelymonster Mon 29-Apr-13 20:11:11

So if there weren't twin beds available at hotel, why did the female stay at his house and not the guy who he is mates with??? Apologies if I haven't got that quite right, but strikes me an odd solution. I am very old-fashioned smile

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OrangeFootedScrubfowl Mon 29-Apr-13 20:22:41

Hope you are ok SirBoob. flowers

fengirl1 Mon 29-Apr-13 20:27:14

I think 'Fuck off and don't come back' covers it??? grin

ElectricSoftParade Mon 29-Apr-13 20:27:57

I am so sorry to read you are having such a shite time SirBoob.

Good luck to you tonight. Will be thinking of you x

mylovelymonster Mon 29-Apr-13 20:29:16

Also, never mind what may or may not have occurred, his attitude of he will leave if you make atmos uncomfortable is enough of a red flag for me. How very dare he.
You really really are worth so much more. You need to take back control in your relationships, and trust that positivity you've been feeling. Maybe he was just a stepping stone to a new exciting and happy chapter in your life? Highly likely I'd say. You are young enough to be my daughter; you have so much time to find your soul-mate and be happy ever after. Fretting about this guy isn't worth it, is it? Don't do it to yourself. Either the relationship is mutual and healthy, or it's not. And if it's not, then what?

chezziejo Mon 29-Apr-13 20:29:37

Hope your ok SirBoob. Hope it all goes as well as it can for you and you have told him to piss off back to his hole.

GreyGardens Mon 29-Apr-13 20:49:48

Ah, just get rid. He sounds like a total loser in every regard and he did shag someone else. Honestly, you are 21, you can do better smile.
Imagine what you would say if this was your daughter? I know what I'd say to my dd if this happened to her. And to steal from Good Will Hunting, 'It's not your fault'. You sound nice, look after yourself smile.

MadameOvary Mon 29-Apr-13 20:59:41

All the "good" stuff he offers isn't enough next to the grief he is giving you.

All things are relative. Seven years ago I met the most gorgeous, exciting man and fell madly in love. It was a meeting of minds as well as bodies. He was wonderful and everything I had ever wanted. Except that he was a lying, immature, selfish abusive prick who bent the truth to suit himself at every opportunity. But I kept going back to him because he was the best relationship I had ever had.

After I finally ditched him I got back with an ex, who despite being completely unsuitable for me was almost soothing in his lack of abuse. I know, that's awful, right? At the same time I was hanging out with a friend who opened up my world from the isolated, sad little space it had become to something fun and esteem-boosting. My rebound relationship didn't last and we parted amicably. At last I was ready to be on my own. I met DP a few months later. I've never met anyone like him. I think of him as "unexciting" because after the life I've had, "unexciting" is bloody bliss! No drama, no moods, no flouncing, no fighting, no games. A whole lot of good stuff though. Support, love, trust, fidelity, companionship, equality, attraction, laughter, consistency, respect...all I need.

What we all deserve I think. At the very least.

lottieandmia Mon 29-Apr-13 21:15:12

Why isn't he prioritising his time for you anyway? I would be annoyed if my dp was choosing football and putting workmates up for the night over me, whether he did anything or not.

And it's just not respectful to have members of the opposite sex staying in your bedroom when you're in a relationship, even if nothing happened.

I also agree that at 40, it is odd that he is living in a shared house like a student half his age would. Perhaps I'm judgmental <shrugs>

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I hope you kicked him in the fuck and gave him a jab to the throat while shouting Fuck you nobhead, fuck you!

Hope you're ok this evening.

SirBoobAlot Tue 30-Apr-13 00:15:53

Sorry I worried you, Fringe.

I'm okay, no more wine though, my body isn't impressed with me for this weekends intake!

Le Twat (I'm not calling him a darling of any sort right now) came over, arrived with take away and a film. Along with an apology and a legitimate (hmm) explanation as to why she slept over. He swore blind that he'd slept on the sofa. Think I believe him on that point.

I've decided to forgive him because I can't stand knowing people are angry at me. But at the same time, I'm not forgetting, and I certainly am drawing a line under anything beyond friendship. He's actually away for the next couple of days because of work, so I'll get the space from him even if I don't get the space from here. The temptation to kick him in the bollocks was rather overwhelming though wink.

It all feels very messy (some other stuff I can;t possibly post is going on too, not related to him, but just extra mess).

Tomorrows therapy session on 'healthy relationships' should be an interesting one...

So has he talked you round then? I thought his flatmate said no one slept on the sofa?

Nehru Tue 30-Apr-13 00:39:44

Oh fgs

SirBoobAlot Tue 30-Apr-13 00:58:52

Not talked me round, but I feel calmer. I'm not going to get in touch with him for a while, but I don't feel as furious as I did before he arrived, if that makes sense? Whether that's because I've forgiven him, or stopped blaming myself, I'm not sure. But it's much easier not walking around angry.

The man is a twat, and that's firmly established. The turning up with food / film, and initiating conversation about something I'm interested in out of the blue was enough to show that he knew he had to 'work me', instead of actually just saying ''I'm a wanker''.

LIZS Tue 30-Apr-13 07:21:20

I think you need to accept that this man will never be your dp , sorry. He plays games, manipulates and belittles your feelings (including the debrief of your therapy sessions) and uses you for company as and when convenient. Keep at arms length. I don't recall what line of work he is in but his travelling and having to "entertain" colleagues are never going to make you feel secure especially given the recent incidents.

awkwardsis Tue 30-Apr-13 07:31:36

Boob, this has made me so cross, when actually I have no right to be. But why can't you see what's happening here? You've shown him you'll forgive pretty much anything if he brings a takeaway round fgs. Next time he does this and expects you to forgive him don't be surprised, you've shown him you'll be ok with it. He's not 'worked you' fgs, he's probably laughing his smug little face off that you fell for it. Again.

chezziejo Tue 30-Apr-13 08:05:56

I could be wrong here but isn't this second time this has happened now? He will be planning his next shag and laughing his arse off. You are 21 and he has become the master of manipulation with you. In a slightly different set if circumstances I have been there aged 21 as well with someone so good at manipulation that I didnt even know they were doing it. I was very ill with depression but it did manifest itself as physical illness in my case. Strangely after breaking free my mental health has improved 100% since. I could be well off the mark here but I suspect you may well find the same.

chezziejo it's amazing the weight that's lifted off your shoulders isn't it? Actually feels physical. I've never looked back either.

SirBoob, have you ever thought of training to become a midwife? Would you be able to do this as not sure of your level of disability? Just think you sound as if you'd make a good one?

ItsallisnowaFeegle Tue 30-Apr-13 08:29:20

I always find it really hard to jump in on a thread with so many posts but I feel really compelled to just pop in and tell you, you've got another one here to lean on.

I'm not going to pick up so much on you're age in terms of where you'll be and what hindsight will show you in a few years time. I agree with what those up thread have said but I did want to say I was shock when I read you are 21. You always conduct yourself in a mature, articulate and reasonable manner, whenever I've been on post with you and I think you offer some bloody decent advice to boot.

Why not be kind to yourself and take some of the advice you would offer if this was someone else in this position.

ItsallisnowaFeegle Tue 30-Apr-13 08:33:39

Oh and your MN name....I always thought you were a dude who liked to chew a LOT of nipple grin

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SirBoobAlot Tue 30-Apr-13 10:07:57

Oh I know exactly what he's doing. But because I know that, I feel more in control of it. He went to kiss me and I turned away to open the door for him. He suggested he stay the night, and I said no. So whilst I might not have told him to fuck off, I certainly haven't welcomed him back with open arms. I have a problem with a 'last conversation' being an angry one - it needs to be calm for me to then be able to walk away from it. Totally illogical, but it's the way I can then process it.

I know it sounds like I'm letting him walk all over me again - but I actually feel much more powerful now that I've been able to have a calm discussion, tell him exactly what he did that wasn't okay, accept the plausible explanation, then still look him in the eye and tell him it wasn't good enough.

I was due to do a few hours work with him next week and have told him I now have plans, so I don't have to even talk with him about that. I'm stepping back, but with the final discussion having been a calm one.

Feegle grin No, just an extended breastfeeder who needed a screen name quickly, and happened to be feeding a toddler on a growth spurt!

Juniper Bless you. I'd love to be a midwife, actually, but sadly the combination of my various illnesses and being a single parent would make it impossible. At least for now.

Thanks for all of the support. Feel like I've let you all down by not cutting off his balls with a rusty tin can grin But I feel okay. Even if what he says happened actually is the way things went down, the whole situation was enough for me to reach my limit.

ItsallisnowaFeegle Tue 30-Apr-13 10:47:44

Well you need to not think you're letting any of us down, SirB.

This is your life. You live, you learn and whether or not this relationship stands the test of time, you most definitely are learning lessons about what you will/ will not tolerate.

Just keep you and DS safe and by that I mean protect your heart and your head because the last thing your wee man needs is you having your head fucked by this man and for him to grow with the impression it's ok to treat women unkindly. I know that seems a bit preachy, however, I do believe I'm not saying anything you don't already know.

Excellent name wink

chezziejo Tue 30-Apr-13 10:54:23

Certainly not let anybody down. Never feel that's the case, it's not as easy as I know. But you are gaining strength and seeing things for what they are, you will do things in your own time. If a midwife you want to be, don't be put off, there's plenty you can do in the meantime I'm sure to help any future application.

Completely off thread and apologies Boobalot but itsallisnowafeegle is that as in a Nac Mac Feegle?

SirBoobAlot Tue 30-Apr-13 10:57:43

It's run it's course, I think. We had some fun, and it's been worth having for the lessons I've learnt if nothing else, and he has been fantastically supportive at times when I've needed him there. So I don't regret it happening, but it's just time to close this chapter, I think.

In his defense, he is wonderful with DS, actually, so I certainly am not concerned about the impression he has given my little one smile

ItsallisnowaFeegle Tue 30-Apr-13 11:05:52

Sorry if it came across that I was implying he had actually had any kind of ill effect on your DS. What I meant was, I hope it never gets to be such a toxic r.ship that it does.

Onward and UP!

chezz: why it surely is! I'd like to say I was Fion but I'm probably more Daft Wullie grin

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SirBoobAlot Tue 30-Apr-13 19:36:58

As if by perfect timing, today's therapy session was on the theme of forgiveness! A lot of discussion on how forgiveness is for your own benefit, not for those that have hurt you. Think the universe has joined forces with mumsnet to remind me the man is a wanker wink

Again, thanks all for the support.

BOF Tue 30-Apr-13 23:27:49

It's great to hear you sounding so strong smile.

SirBoobAlot Wed 01-May-13 00:57:09

I feel it, actually. Haven't contacted him at all today, and feel like the 'positive closure' was what I needed last night.

Couldn't have done it without the encouragement from everyone here though, so thank you. thanks

DioneTheDiabolist Wed 01-May-13 01:01:27

I'm glad you're feeling more sure of yourself

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 01-May-13 01:28:50

hey, just found this.

you deserve more than this. and you know it. and i know you know it.


I knew this nest of vipers was good for something!

Good good good thanks

Portofino Wed 01-May-13 09:30:42

Great news! Glad you are feeling stronger and calmer xx

SirBoobAlot Wed 01-May-13 09:36:23


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