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help me to leave him to enjoy himself

(156 Posts)

Name change for obvious reasons. Dp takes a lot of cocaine when he goes out, we do not live together, he keeps that side of his life mainly separate to ours. I have decided to take a step back and not let him know I worry about him on his 'nights' out. Can someone try to give me advice on how to stay away from my mobile phone whenever he goes out? I worry about him dying, getting arrested or getting into fights until it makes me ill but it drives him away. He knows I worry and does try to keep in touch when he's out but he is not the best at remembering to contact me. I want to give him the freedom to not feel guilty about enjoying his time with his friends but have no idea how.

seeker Fri 26-Apr-13 23:52:46

I'm really sorry- but this does not sound like a partnership to me- what do you get out of it?

I am beginning to wonder this. I love him immensely, he does not reciprocate. I do not want to give up though.

Pandemoniaa Fri 26-Apr-13 23:58:40

I want to give him the freedom to not feel guilty about enjoying his time with his friends but have no idea how.

He doesn't come across as feeling the slightest bit guilty about enjoying his time out. Quite frankly, I'd be giving him total freedom to fuck off and take his coke habit with him.

SanityClause Fri 26-Apr-13 23:58:51

Just leave him? Then he could enjoy himself, or not, as the case may be. But it wouldn't be your problem any more.

You need to decide whether you are happy still to be doing this in 20 years time. Or 40. Because he is unlikely to change.

Doinmummy Fri 26-Apr-13 23:58:52

Do you really want to be with someone that takes "a lot " of drugs?

I'm not surprised he's not very good at remembering to contact you if he's off his head on cocaine. He should want to keep in touch because he cares about you , not just because he's managed to remember.

This does not sound like a good basis for a relationship . Is he not capable of enjoying a night out without taking illegal drugs?

We have had some brilliant nights out with no drugs, it is part of him though and I knew it when I met him.

seeker Sat 27-Apr-13 00:01:49

My advice?

Run. Run like the wind.

Doinmummy Sat 27-Apr-13 00:04:02

If you knew he was a heavy drug user when you met him surely you were willing to accept everything that goes with taking drugs. I don't see how you can complain really.

Doinmummy Sat 27-Apr-13 00:04:59

I agree seeker .

I am trying not to complain, I would like advice on how to not worry so much/let him know I worry so much.

dontyouwantmebaby Sat 27-Apr-13 00:05:34

you say you want to 'give him the freedom to not feel guilty about enjoying time with his friends' (but have no idea how).

you say you 'have decided to take a step back and not let him know you worry about him on his nights out'.

you say he knows you worry and that he does 'try' to keep in touch when he's out. but that he's not the best at contacting you.

when you say 'dp takes a lot of cocaine...he keeps that side of his life mainly separate to ours', do you mean 'ours' as in you and his child/children?

because he sounds like one huge child himself and quite frankly, I wouldn't waste any more of your valuable time worrying about what he chooses to do when he is out. smother him with 'freedom', you'll find this kind of person can't handle it and will come running. whether you want to be there for him is up to you.

thornrose Sat 27-Apr-13 00:07:13

How often does he go out and do coke? Is it increasing or has it always been the same?

How much is a lot?

He will go out on a weekend on a 2 day bender. He has reduced this recently to every few weeks. He will get through roughly 3g of pure uncut cocaine during a bender.

Doinmummy Sat 27-Apr-13 00:09:16

I don't see how anyone would not worry when their partner was out on a drug fuelled night.' Not worrying' and 'taking drugs' just don't go together.

dontyouwantmebaby Sat 27-Apr-13 00:12:23

just remember that he's an adult. he CHOOSES to do this. you can't change his behaviour but you can change your own & how you react to this crap treatment.

advice on how to not worry so much/let him know you worry so much? is simply to realise there's nothing you can change esp not by your own worrying. essentially you have to take charge of your feelings here and stop caring so much because he sure as hell doesn't care that you're worrying. IYSWIM?

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Sat 27-Apr-13 00:14:02

I would not want a partner like this. sad

dontyouwantmebaby Sat 27-Apr-13 00:14:55

doinmummy - when said partner who chooses to go on a drug-fuelled night is FULLY AWARE that their partner is worrying about them & their behaviour. thats when you need to stop worrying & think about whether they'd put up with the same shit from you if situation was reversed. If not, then its fairly simple.

I know I must sound like an idiot. He is genuinely amazing the majority of the time, I think I am perhaps too needy.

thornrose Sat 27-Apr-13 00:19:16

Hmm, it's a tough one. I have known people with this lifestyle, men and women, partners who don't share the lifestyle inevitably find it difficult to cope with. Cocaine makes people incredibly selfish.

Does he ever talk about wanting to stop or show regret after his benders?

I don't think anyone can tell you how not to worry, it's human nature.

Doinmummy Sat 27-Apr-13 00:19:35

Very true dontyou

He really wants to stop and is always remorseful afterwards, I used to use until a few years ago and so, I appreciate the draw of the lifestyle, all I want to do is not push him away through worrying.

seeker Sat 27-Apr-13 00:21:53

"I know I must sound like an idiot. He is genuinely amazing the majority of the time, I think I am perhaps too needy."

No. You are not. Whatever he tells you. This is not the behaviour of a grown up human being.

thornrose Sat 27-Apr-13 00:27:53

The problem is all your fears and worries are genuine and normal. You are trying to live a lie in effect, pretending you don't worry, putting on a front. It's going to take its toll on your relationship.

If you said "me or cocaine" which would he choose do you think?

dontyouwantmebaby Sat 27-Apr-13 00:29:43

oh gosh yes I am sure its easy to say on here not to worry, of course in practice its tougher than that.

too much cocaine not only makes people incredibly selfish but it turns them into such incredible bores. I couldn't be bothered with it all.

OP, once you cotton on to the fact that its not YOU thats the needy one in this relationship, you'll be fine. Until then am not much good with sympathetic advice. I don't think YOU'RE the needy one here, quite the opposite. Fuck that for him being 'genuinely amazing the majority of the time'. IME this tends to show them up for how crap they are the rest of it tbh hmm

I don't know what to do

scripsi Sat 27-Apr-13 00:40:20

It would be wrong to tell you not to worry, as he is putting himself in harm's way.

He is putting himself in harm's way and apparently couldn't care less that this is causing you stress (so he is guilt tripping you for caring?!).

I think you should leave him to self-destruct on his own time.

thornrose Sat 27-Apr-13 00:48:20

You can stay with him and somehow come to terms with his choices or leave him and find a relationship without the worry and heartbreak sad

olgaga Sat 27-Apr-13 00:53:30

He's the one who's needy!

You'll have a miserable life with this man. You love the man he could be, not the man he is.

Monty27 Sat 27-Apr-13 01:04:41

He'll drag you down with him, and I'm not saying you'll take it again, but he will drag you down.

Run. Fast. Don't look back. Love yourself.

How old is he? Not that it makes a lot of difference but if he's older it may be more entrenched.

I was married to a musician coke-head for years. They don't change so you are going to have to. My advice, run. Coke makes you selfish, self-centred, miserable, twitchy and boring. And, it fucks your body and brain up.

Failing that, play the good girl for a while, don't check your phone, don't text, don't mention his nights out, then wise up in a few years and run anyway.

Lavenderhoney Sat 27-Apr-13 04:33:49

Well, I suggest on his big nights out, you get together with some friends and have a night out yourself.

You might meet someone who doesn't do drugs and treats you nicely. You don't live together so at least you aren't legally or financially tied to him, so run away as fast as you can.

Coke heads are selfish, paranoid, egoistical. He probably does more coke than you think. Does he pop to the loo the minute he arrives at yours? Check the cistern, he will have a stash somewhere. He will say he won't, but he will.

I was unlucky enough to have a coke head bf once, but I left when I found out he was a coke head. I really missed him, but it was the right thing to do.

PurplePidjin Sat 27-Apr-13 04:54:13

To him, the coke is more important. The realistic chances of him being straight all the time and only taking drugs when with his friends are nil. Unless he gets into rehab and has an immense amount of therapy over several years, he will never be the partner he pretends to be between binges.

He is not your partner. He is a selfish twunt who fakes it to keep you sweet.

bleedingheart Sat 27-Apr-13 07:32:34

It isn't 'giving up' to end a relationship that causes you hurt and stress. So many women describe wanting to make sure they've done everything they can and not give up on a relationship as if they are not allowed to end it otherwise.

He chooses cocaine over you. He knows you are worried. He knows you want him to stop but he still does it. Surely he's the one who needs to try to change, not you? You will struggle to be happy with this man. You will worry every time he's out. I couldn't live like that and I don't know many who could.

Do you have children?

You can't stop being worried about his drug habit because you know it's wrong for him to act like that. Snorting vast quantities of coke for 2 days every few weeks is not behaviour many people would choose in a partner and you are asking how to persuade yourself to think this is not something to worry about. You can't, and shouldn't.

This behaviour will become intolerable to you, sooner or later. If you have kids it had better be sooner.

TheSilveryPussycat Sat 27-Apr-13 07:36:51

How did you stop, OP?

SacreBlue Sat 27-Apr-13 07:41:38

Panda Quite frankly, I'd be giving him total freedom to fuck off and take his coke habit with him

grin

OP I thought a guy was lovely til I discovered his chronic weed habit - they will always love their drugs more than you. IMO they only ever see you as another 'ride' literally at the funfair they have in their head. Best thing is to get rid before you find your life rubbish strewn and covered in vomit...

HighJinx Sat 27-Apr-13 07:54:19

I love him immensely, he does not reciprocate sad

You have no idea how to stop worrying about him while he goes on a drug fueled bender because you are a decent human being. Don't lose that.

You deserve to be loved and respected by your partner. However good the good times are, I think you know that there isn't going to be any happily every after with this man.

I think you already know that what PurplePidjin says is the truth
He is not your partner. He is a selfish twunt who fakes it to keep you sweet.

Meringue33 Sat 27-Apr-13 08:07:49

He is a drug addict, it is an illness. Has he even admitted he has a problem? If not then recovery could be many years off (or he may not recover). He is risking injury, jail and death. Al-Anon may be useful for you to help you decide how you want to live your life, given the situation.

Diagonally Sat 27-Apr-13 08:11:43

Of course he doesn't reciprocate. He loves the drugs, not you.

He is a heavy drug user, you are codependent.

No one in their right mind is going to advise you how to enable him further than you already are.

TweedWasSoLastYear Sat 27-Apr-13 08:11:50

If he really is doing 3g of quality ( it will not be 100% pure unless he is importing it from Columbia in KG bags) cocaine he is probably spending £100 - £200 for the pleasure.
I am going to guess that he lives with you alot of time, you look after him and do some washing , all the cooking , and cope with his come down.
He is probably doing a tiny amount every day as well , doubtful that he can go for 2 weeks without any at all then go crazy for a weekend.
Do you go away on holidays abroad?
Does he buy you naice things ? Flowers even?
Do you both own your homes ? as he is pretty much spending a mtg on class A drugs.
Do you want to live with someone who is addicted to an illegal substance.
Sounds a little strange and i dont think there is anything you can do to stop yourslef worrying he hasnt snorted a shed load of horse tranquliser and is having an allegeric reaction.

Just say no kids, look at what happened to Zamo.

I think too that you are codependent as well on this and that state is also unhealthy. Forget him and give him the boot as of now, you need to sort your own self out first and start loving your own self for a change.

I am wondering too what you learnt about relationships when growing up because you've likely learnt an awful lot of damaging stuff to accept this now as your lot.

You are putting this relationship before your own wellbeing to your own detriment. He loves the drug more than you, you mean nothing to him really.

Being with an addict is ultimately a waste of time. He will either hit rock bottom and change, or he will carry on like this for ever. Hitting rock bottom might take years and will usually involve getting in lots of trouble - work, finances, legal.

I would run like the fucking wind. He sounds like an immature selfish dick. You can do better than this.

redskynight Sat 27-Apr-13 08:35:23

You are in a codependent relationship with an addict. If you really want to learn to detach from what he is doing, then try going along to an Al Anon meeting and ask how to do that, you can learn how. Personally I would not put myself through this relationship, but I realise that when you are in the middle of the insanity of someone else's addiction that is easier said than done. So at least look after yourself. Go to Al Anon or talk to a therapist.

Dahlen Sat 27-Apr-13 08:48:11

Where do you want this relationship to go?

Do you plan on living together at some point? Because if you do are you aware that you are potentially getting into a situation where your house could be raided by the police, you could end up with a criminal record, you could wake up one morning to find he has died from heart failure in his sleep...

Why on earth would you do that?

Do you hope to live together but with him being free from drugs? You could be waiting an awfully long time. He's clearly an addict if wants to stop and can't. IME people with coke addictions that involve all-weekend benders don't stop at all if they haven't knocked it on the head by the time they become a grown up with responsibilities. How old are you both?

If you don't plan on living together and just want to learn to switch off from him, concentrate hard on building your own life, with your own friends and your own interests. Throw yourself into them. I very much suspect that if you developed your own, fulfilling life independent of your DP he would cease to become your DP in no short space of time.

Relationships shouldn't be this hard. If they are, something has gone badly wrong.

BicBiro Sat 27-Apr-13 08:59:06

his main relationship is with the drug, not you. can you accept that?

it's not a good thing to turn yourself inside out trying to accommodate something someone else does when it makes you unhappy. you will end up resenting him

StuffezLaYoni Sat 27-Apr-13 09:11:15

Listen, I promise you, there are handome, kind, funny, generous, hard working men out there who don't have to fill their noses with shit to have a good time.
Could you imagine having kids with this guy? How could you ever trust him with a baby? If kids aren't something you want, how about YOU? Do you want to spend your time surrounded by drugs?
I promise you, there are better options than this kind of life.

OrangeFootedScrubfowl Sat 27-Apr-13 09:25:49

Once you are past your early twenties, or once you have DC, or once you have a partner who doesn't share this sort of lifestyle... then I think continuing with these regular weekend benders is rather pathetic, and it shows you there is something lacking in the person. Why can't they grow up?
I do think people can change, but you should be thinking about if he doesn't change, does not want to - do you just basically want different lives?

You can love someone but be incompatible to share a life you know. Then it's really better to say goodbye sooner rather than later.

TurnipCake Sat 27-Apr-13 11:03:30

There are three of you in this relationship and you're the OW.

I went out with a guy who enjoyed a line or seven on a weekend. As he came up, the quality of the conversation went down, he would sleep in until 4pm then mooch around for hours and then wonder why he would get a cold & comedown in the middle of the week. He's now dating a woman who has a bigger habit than him, all they do is get high and have sex.

FarBetterNow Sat 27-Apr-13 11:19:33

Fated: everyone here is giving you the same advice.
Many of them haved lived with a coke head so they DO know what they are on about it.

Just finish the relationship - get him out of your life.
Don't try to help him give up his habit.
You've given up yours years ago and are not responsible for him.

You don't live together so it won't be a massive upheaval.

A partner will come into your life who wants you and spends his time thinking about you, not about his next line.

MikeOxard Sat 27-Apr-13 11:19:52

frankly, I'd be giving him total freedom to fuck off and take his coke habit with him

^Yep, this. Exactly this.

DistanceCall Sat 27-Apr-13 11:39:54

You can't not worry. Because he might OD any day.

And if you want him to stop using, I think the best way is to leave him. The rude shock of it might just (MIGHT) shake him enough to give him a wakeup call. Otherwise, you're just an enabler.

Up to you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 27-Apr-13 12:34:04

What you're asking is like someone who is partnered up with a burglar and asking 'how do I stop worrying that he's going to be arrested?' hmm The only person that can stop you worrying is him.... And he does that by acting like a responsible adult.

Doha Sat 27-Apr-13 15:07:45

ANd if you do eventually end up living together and have Dc's how will you cope with them and his nights out every few weeks. How will you function worrying about him out on his benders??
Wouldn't he be a brilliant role model to any DC's. But l am running ahead and worry that you are pinning you future on a man who loves drugs more than he loves you.
What would he say if you made him chose??
I think you know the answer.

Run run like the wind and don't look back

I have a DC, I obviously keep DC away from dp whenever he has been near drugs.

He is out now. Trying to keep calm vibes going.

Doha Sat 27-Apr-13 19:12:17

I would be keeping my DC away from him permanently but l feel you are not listening . Oh well!!

CabbageLeaves Sat 27-Apr-13 19:18:00
Lavenderhoney Sun 28-Apr-13 06:37:53

Where you say you have had brilliant nights out without drugs, I would say he is doing it and you believe him when he says he isn't, because you love and trust him. You can't trust someone with an addiction to coke.

WinkyWinkola Sun 28-Apr-13 06:56:11

You should be worried. About you and your dc.

Ah well, not that you'll listen to anything on this thread.

Just keep enabling his habit and having less than half a relationship.

You, and he, need to grow up
I say you, because you have a child and you are trying to pretend this is ok, and normal. If the child isn't his then take a good hard look at the sort of people you allow into his/her life! And if he/she is his child then take a good hard look at the life you want your child to have as they grow older. Two weekends a month with daddy elsewhere while he shovels filth up his nose? Fucking nasty.

Eastpoint Sun 28-Apr-13 07:11:45

It is also likely that he will suffer long term health issues resulting from his coke use. A friend of mine's brother had a heart attack in his mid-40s - coke use was the likely cause. Another friend's husband managed to get through £80K over 18 months, she only discovered during their divorce.

I cannot believe how bitchy people are on here. Dp does not have an addiction any more than most women on here have to wine/vodka (Friday night drunk thread is a mess). I asked for advice on how to worry less, not for advice on our relationship.

TurnipCake Sun 28-Apr-13 09:10:34

Oh come on. Really?

Ok, if you want to worry less, either change your entire personality and fibre of your being to someone who doesn't give a toss, or slip yourself a roofie every time he goes out.

WinkyWinkola Sun 28-Apr-13 09:13:56

Good username, Fated.

Why are you worried about him then if he's not got a problem and is only going out to get boxed on coke?

BicBiro Sun 28-Apr-13 09:15:05

your worry is a very normal and natural response to him taking coke. it's your body's way of telling you there is potential danger here. I think you'd be better off listening to that rather than trying to squash it

Bitchy? No. Realistic. You are in denial. Fine. So stay there - and come back when you are ready to face the truth. We will be he.

Oops - we will be here

"It is part of him"

Nobody has drugs as 'part of them', unless they have an addiction. He makes a choice, as do you.

pigsDOfly Sun 28-Apr-13 09:32:24

People aren't being bitchy OP and some of them are talking from personal experience. If it's in your nature to worry, no one can tell you how not to.

Whether your DP has an addiction or not, he behaviour is not desirable. What do you expect people with opinions to say: 'Of course you don't have to worry about him, he'll be fine'? No one is going to say that because the chances are at some point something will happen to him; with his health, with the law, or financially that is going to impact on both of you and if it impacts on you it will impact on your DC.

No one can tell you how not to worry. Yes you didn't ask for advice about your relationship and you might not like what people are saying, but you'd do well to listen.

Branleuse Sun 28-Apr-13 10:07:46

i dont think the answer is for you to stop worrying. I think the answer is for you to take a step back and stop caring, because hes not caring about you.

Im not anti drugs. ive done a lot of drugs in my past before children, and would very occasionally have a all nighter now. Maybe once or twice a year, if that, but be under no illusions that he is worrying about you at all.
Coke is a vicious drug. Its catastrophic for the environment, leads to gang violence and murder, plus it turns people into complete arseholes and destroys their nose and their heart.
Of course you are going to worry.

He isnt going to stop, and youre not going to stop worrying, so my best advice is to back away before you get any more involved. He needs to grow up and take up a less life threatening hobby

I feel like my world is falling apart. Sorry for the snappy post previously, Sundays are not the best days. No contact from 6pm until 9am this morning when he said he'd got in, his phone is now off. I know I should walk away but I honestly don't think I can. I will end up apologising to him for worrying again.

"I know I should walk away but I honestly don't think I can"

Why is that exactly?. Genuine question.

I love him. I do not love easily or freely. I do not want to give up on someone who is essentially me 5 years ago

StuffezLaYoni Sun 28-Apr-13 10:38:46

So, do you want him to stop taking coke, or do you want to stop your worried feelings!

ohforfoxsake Sun 28-Apr-13 10:41:48

It's your choice to accept it but seriously - do you really think anyone here will approve of it?

Accept he may OD or do something stupid, and that you support him in this,

Or

Leave him to it and get on with your life.

Mumsyblouse Sun 28-Apr-13 10:49:46

To some extent you are not wrong, drink and cocaine have lots of similarities. However, how many women do you know in relationships with kids involved who disappear on two day benders drinking vodka and not getting in touch for hours on end. None. It's not acceptable.

I wouldn't want my children around a heavy drinker and I wouldn't want them round a heavy cocaine user. You are not married, you don't live together, you don't have to put up with this stress and worry, just leave!

My XP had wealthy friends and when he went out with themhe would inevitably return coked up. It made him argumentative, selfish and violent at times. I used to take the stuff I admit, but I saw sense, like other posters say, in my mid 20s. Ex was nearly 40. I found it very irresponsible of him. He missed work and I had to lie to his DM about why he was ill in bed (Coming down) and deal with his moods.

I hated his friends, they had no respect for their wives or girlfriends, allsorts of stuff went on.

I dont really know what I'm trying to say OP. I know what you feel like though.

However I do feel that your DP (like my XP) needs to grow up.

How would he feel if you went off on a coke bender with your mates all night?

My DH used to be like this. He would go out to parties, sometimes with me & sometimes on his own. He would roll home absolutely wasted, sometimes injured, all money spent, & filthy from falling over. Or sometimes he didn't come home & I had to go out & search for him. Over the years he tried everything but never did needles. He was also basically an alcoholic.
It came to a head one night when he got home wasted, almost fell through the (closed) front door & damaged it. He was filthy, had broken his stick (he needed a walking stick as he was waiting for knee surgery). I dragged him upstairs (I was 9 stone & short, he was 18 stone & over 6 feet tall) & put him in the bath & showered him down. He then threw up massively, he was still in the bath & couldn't get up due to his size, inebriation & bad knee. I had to scoop his sick up in my hands & put it down the toilet. There was nothing else to pick it up with & I didn't dare go downstairs to get something in case he hurt himself, he was panicking & struggling. Finally got him sorted out & in bed. Next morning he had no memory of it. I told him in graphic detail what he had done & said if it ever happened again I would kick him out. I told him to cut contact with all his drug friends & completely quit drinking for 6 months or it was over. Said I wasn't going to stick around & watch him kill himself, & that if he loved me more than the drugs, he'd choose me.

Thank goodness, he listened to me & did as I asked. We are still together & he has never touched drugs since. Still likes his beer but rarely gets drunk. He does have lingering MH issues which I am certain the drugs caused or made worse.

I know what I would do in your situation. Sorry to hijack!

I do not think I am brave enough to give him the ultimatum

Branleuse Sun 28-Apr-13 11:42:58

There isnt any answer then. Youre choosing this and youre enabling it.

What I would suggest is maybe look into speaking to www.relate.org.uk/home/index.html
And asking to be referred for counselling by yourself.

They wont tell you what to do, but they will listen to you and help you become stronger. They have a tiered payment plan, which you may even qualify for free therapy if your income is low enough

What would your boyfriend say if you told him that you are really hurting over this?

WinkyWinkola Sun 28-Apr-13 13:25:29

He is essentially how you were 5 years ago? Does that mean you had/have addiction problems too?

You can't really help him by sticking around.

I think you're going through a lot more than just worrying about him.

I guess there may well come a point where you decide you can't take anymore and bin him anyway. That could take years because he's not going to change.

FarBetterNow Sun 28-Apr-13 13:55:20

But you gave the coke up.
He may never give it up.
He may not want to.
You are wasting your weekends worrying about him.
There is no way of you worrying less as you love him.

I think leaving him will take a bit of getting your head around, but maybe the seed is planted.

A lot of us speak from our own coke use experience as well as having a partner as a coke head.
We are not all shocked at drug use.
If you are not yet prepared to finish the relationship, please do not move in together.

Fated I didn't think I would be brave enough either. I said what I had to because I loved him & couldn't have lived with myself if he'd died as a result of his behaviour. I forced him to make a choice - me or the drugs. If & when you get the courage to do this, it will likely end in 1 of 2 ways:
1) he'll say he wants the drugs. If he says this, you will know the truth, that he would prefer to spend his weekends with a bunch of people he doesn't necessarily know well or even like, just so he can get high & escape his real life. Let him go you are better off.
2) He may surprise you & choose you. Mine did & I genuinely didn't expect him to. You & he can then start building a proper family life together.

Obviously this is something you can only come to when you are ready or have got to the end of what you can tolerate from him.

I really hope it all works out for you (both). But if it doesn't, at least you will know you were brave enough to risk everything to try & save him.

lemonstartree Sun 28-Apr-13 15:21:12

Run, honestly.

You cant NOT be worried about an idiot who goes out and gets off his face on drugs. Because its stupid and risky and accidents / incidents happen to people who are off their face.

If you love him immensely but he does not reciprocate then every single soul destroying day you spend with this tosser will eat away at your self esteem a little more.

Run , fast - you are worth much more than this shit

CabbageLeaves Sun 28-Apr-13 16:28:14

Well your thread title is pretty accurate. You're not worried about him taking drugs. You'd like a way of reinforcing your denial about the risks/consequences and dangers.

Sorry. Can't help you

Quick message to fiftyahadesofbrown, I gave him the option, he chose me and dd, thank you all for making it clear it couldn't go on as it was smile

Aaarrrggghhh 50shadesofbrown even, silly big thumbs

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 19-Jul-13 06:45:19

Glad there's been some progress. But remember, when it comes to a habit as bad as drug use, promises can be easy and empty. 'Zero tolerance' now and, should you find he has backslid even a millimetre, out he goes...

Hissy Fri 19-Jul-13 07:10:13

How's it going now? Is he any different?
How are YOU doing?

kalidanger Fri 19-Jul-13 07:23:44

That's good news. What's he doing?

Labradorwhisperer Fri 19-Jul-13 07:25:40

I hope he has changed for the sake of you and your DD.

You came on here asking for advice on how not to worry about him.

You didn't get that because, really, there is no advice on how to do that when your partner is out taking a dangerous illegal drug.

You did NOT sign up for this when you started your relationship. He may have used, you may have used, but you have a right to want a different life.

LTB

maid did you read the thread.
Pleased it's turning out as you'd like.
I really hope he sticks to it.
If he doesn't just remember, just because you managed to fix you, does not mean you can fix him.
Good luck with everything!

Thanks for the replies, it's going really well!

We're taking things slowly-it was obviously a big change to make and I didn't want him to need to rely on me to pull him out of his habits.

Gone are the Sundays of dropping him come down supplies off, we now do things with the three of us and it is so much more relaxed-I'm not ripping myself in half anymore!

I know that it won't all be plain sailing but thank you all for making me see I needed to stand up for me and dd (unmumsnet ending coming up)

Xxx

I am an idiot.

He is 28 hours in on a bender with his friends.

We were meant to be taking my dd out tomorrow for a special fun day as he was wanting to try getting to know her better.

Please do not say ltb, I know all of those comments off by heart.

I would really like someone to tell me I'm going to be ok. I am sick to my stomach. I went round to his and packed all my things and have left them in his spare room. When/if he gets home tomorrow I am going to go there and tell him to decide if I take them with me and give my keys back.

I am so, so sad hmm

GetStuffezd Sat 20-Jul-13 21:03:26

You can spend the next ten years feeling like a gullible, nagging, insecure, desperate twat (i have been one so i make no apologies) or you can change your life and get rid of this selfish fuckwit who knows youll roll over and forgive him.
Nobody can tell you anything new on this thread.
Leave the fucking cokehead bastard!

Twattergy Sat 20-Jul-13 21:05:25

You deserve better than this. He has let you and dd down. You have him the chance to make a decision that would keep the relationship alive and he has chosen to ignore your needs. Wishing you strength to make the right decision for you and your dd.

GetStuffezd Sat 20-Jul-13 21:05:32

Also if you had a scrap of self esteem youd have taken your stuff rather than intending coercing him into some silly 'ask me to stay' game when he will be coming down and will say anything.

That's the thing, I do have zero self esteem. I know it has to end. It still won't be easy, that's why I don't need the ltb comments. I need the strength to do it and stick to it.

Nanny0gg Sat 20-Jul-13 21:24:02

Look at your DD and decide what life you want for her. That should help your resolve.

Do you have any real-life support?

GetStuffezd Sat 20-Jul-13 21:24:06

But mate, what the fuck is it going to take for you to make the effort and leave? Please dont say hospital incident because youll just rally round him and try to "fix" him. A violent incident? Why would you subject yourself.to that when youve got the opportunity to leave now?

Your daughter deserves a male influence from someone who can remain in his own mind for five fucking minutes.

Doha Sat 20-Jul-13 21:31:10

If you can't leave him for your sake leave him for DD's sake.
Be a decent parent and take her away from this idiot who -when the choice was to be made-chose weed over both of you.

You both but especially DD deserves better

EarthtoMajorTom Sat 20-Jul-13 21:31:51

You can start rebuilding your self-esteem when you've left this situation. Living with addicts reduces your self-esteem to zero. Leave and you can rebuild.

Do you want your DD to be saying, 'I was brought up by a drug addict' in twenty years' time?

He's not even her father, is he?

Why don't you need the LTB comments? Because you know they're right?

I don't need the ltb comments because it is decided, I'm doing it.

I need the strength to do it when I see him. I stupidly thought I could spend my life with him and naive as I may be, it is still going to hurt to leave him.

I don't have many rl friends, I'm quite a loner nowadays.

I really believed him. My heart hurts and I can't even think about how to do it. I wish he could just be him without the coke.

Sorry, forgot to add, no he is not her father. Her father is truly far more vile than he could ever be (although dd will never hear this from me as that is for her to decide if she ever wants to meet him).

RenterNomad Sat 20-Jul-13 21:50:28

It sounds as though you need someone who doesn't do drugs now, but who did, so he will not judge you and your past, and so you know he has the willpower to change himself.

That's a fine ideal, but it's worth spending time single, to gain an equilibrium and centre yourself, so you can't be dragged off balance.

I have no plans to be in a relationship again after this!

Basically I got with him 6 months after I was raped, I had sworn myself to celibacy following it and we clicked, he made me feel safe and everything felt right.

I will be on my own from now.

GetStuffezd Sat 20-Jul-13 21:57:47

Your story mirrors mine exactly. Lost.my.virginity to a rapist and raped again in twenties. Relationships with druggies and.fuck wits ensued. Two terminations.
Im worried about you because i think youll do what i did and.cling on and on until he loses patience with you and dumps you.
Apologies for typos - on phone
x

I am just so sad.

I can't put it into words.

I trust him implicitly which is the worst thing.

I am not bothered about being alone, I am bothered about giving him up.

joblot Sat 20-Jul-13 22:11:05

I want to add support. And say hard as it is, he clearly prioritizes his bachelor lifestyle to family life. And most cokeheads are tossers, but I guess you know that.

I've been through a range of relationships, it's hard but if you can get rid of the Disney view we all have then you'll see that relationships end but new ones start and maybe one day you'll meet someone more compatible.

Good luck op

The night I met him he was chasing me incessantly, it was my leaving do from work and my old boss text me asking if his friend could come. I basically took the piss out of him the while night and he called me on it many drinks in. I told him everything. He got mad as ex boss had mentioned me without naming when I'd had to take time off work after rape. He said 'trust me' and I did. No question.

So sad.

Whole, not while

GetStuffezd Sat 20-Jul-13 22:16:24

Your daughter trusts YOU implicitly. Sometimes adult relationships have to come second.

MrsWolowitz Sat 20-Jul-13 22:17:15

Leaving him is the best thing.

Honestly, this is not a healthy relationship.

GetStuffezd Sat 20-Jul-13 22:18:28

You thought he would be your protector? sad
Every coke user puts coke first.

This is the one thing I'm proud of myself about, dd only knows him as a friend of mine, she isn't attached, I'm so glad I didn't involve her with him much hmm

GetStuffezd Sat 20-Jul-13 22:24:36

Have you ever done coke with him OP?

Yes hmm

GetStuffezd Sat 20-Jul-13 22:38:34

Is that stopping you leaving? Do you do it sometimes now? Im realky not.having a go, i do know what youre going through. But i do.t think youre in.a good place at the moment and whatever you think, youre not doing well by your little girl.

Whenever I have a weekend babysitter (once every few months) I will do it with him.

I know this isn't good after years of being off it.

At the moment all I am thinking is what will I do without my daily piss take/his smell/cuddles on the sofa. How will I watch the returned? How will I watch coro?!

I know it sounds trivial but he is such a part of my every day life.

ChipsNKetchup Sun 21-Jul-13 00:00:35

I took recreational drugs a lot in my late teens/early twenties. Even after I stopped I was very much of the it did me no harm, I had an amazing time and grew out of it camp. Now I can see the immense damage it did. It stopped me gaining real self esteem, it affected my work and like many young 'recreational' drug users my alcohol intake is unhealthy. Going on days long benders is no good. Your perception of real, normal life becomes hopelessly distorted.

I'm trying to realign my whole life, no alcohol, stimulants or downers. I'm a lot older than you and its only been in the last year that things have become clear. I wish I'd never touched the stuff. I wasn't an addict but it distorts your mind anyway.

He isn't something special, someone who transcends a humdrum existence with coke. He is pathetic and places a night out getting coked up above you and your DD.

You both deserve a hell of a lot better.

What you need is a bit of counselling and support. You've clearly had some rough times, and I rather expect that your childhood was affected by either an addict in the family or an abuser - at some point you got taught to feel powerless and to believe that if you are a 'good girl' and offer enough 'love' ie unconditional submission then people will be nice to you. That isn't true. You deserve to be treated with kindness and courtesy, and an addict will offer you neither. You do not have to put up with abuse in order to be 'loved'.

He's just got in.

Feeling sick.

Chubfuddler Sun 21-Jul-13 05:49:45

Been there done that. Listen to me - run. Run very fast. There is no future in this relationship. None that you would want anyway.

Chubfuddler Sun 21-Jul-13 05:52:23

Just read rest of thread. I never used.

So you're being sucked back into drug use. You have a child.

You must be completely mad. Watch coronation street on your own FFS.

GetStuffezd Sun 21-Jul-13 07:20:24

You ok? Xx

I am going round once he's had some sleep.

Trying to not break down at the moment.

Been sick a lot this morning, I don't want to have to leave him.

Eastpoint Sun 21-Jul-13 07:57:15

Try to stay strong & leave him. You deserve better than this & so does your DD. You can't fix him & you don't need to try.

Good luck.

GreyWhites Sun 21-Jul-13 07:59:42

This is very sad fated. But you must know that no-one ever changes for someone else. They have to do it for themselves.

Very often people just need a big kick up the arse to actually change, so you have to hope that this might be what he needs to see how destructive his behaviour is. Try to stand firm. You can't go on with your life like this. I completely understand the way that lifestyle goes, and have been there myself, but if he's at the point where he's letting you and your daughter down, and the worry is eating into your own peace of mind, something has to change.

Good luck.

Good luck.My ex is like him. Do I still love him? Kinda. I still, 4yrs later, miss snuggling on the sofa, watching something. I still miss the good days, him making breakfast in bed, giving me a kiss, whatever. But the bad days when he took coke were a whole lot worse and although he loved me, he loved coke more. It will be hard to leave. Run fast away from this relationship, but it's incredibly hard to make yourself go, the psychological barrier, but when you break that, and get out of it, then it's so much better.

Good luck lovely. You know it's never going to change, don't you. I know it hurts, but you will have to do it at some point. You can't hang on indefinitely hoping he will sort himself out. For one thing he has no intention of sorting himself out for anything or anyone, and for another, this journey you are on with him is bringing you way down. You need to detach.

Cuddles and smells and watching tv together, they fade. It hurts for a while then time by time all the bits you miss get replaced with other things and you stop missing them. You will be fine in the end. Break ups are hideous but it's a short term pain.

Figgygal Sun 21-Jul-13 08:08:46

Christ get as far away from him as possible!!

What if he says he'll stop?

I am clutching at straws I know.

Chubfuddler Sun 21-Jul-13 09:10:09

He almost certainly will say that. Do you believe him? Nothing changed after April. Why would it now?

Doha Sun 21-Jul-13 09:32:23

Of course he will say he will stop. He said it before and you stayed-so what is different this time?

joblot Sun 21-Jul-13 09:36:16

He wants to have his cake and eat it. Or coke and snort it. Work on your self esteem and get rid

mypussyiscalledCaramel Sun 21-Jul-13 09:47:04

You are not his priority, coke is.

He doesn't worry about you, is not concerned about your feelings.

His priority is coke, his worry is coke.

How do you know he's not taking it at other times?

All that will happen is, you will watch him fall apart, get deeper into his addiction and there will be nothing left for you.

He is the one that has to get out of this.

You sitting back just gives him more opportunities to have his fix.

I would personally find out all I could about his DOC, then find a forum such as soberrecovery.com and ask your questions on there.

Viviennemary Sun 21-Jul-13 09:53:02

Sorry not to be more positive. But this is obviously making you really stressed and unhappy. Which is absolutely natural. If he isn't going to give up his drug habit I can't see this changing. I don't think the answer is try to train yourself not to worry. Being worried about this is a commonsense reaction.

I'm getting more and more worked up waiting to go round.

I wish he would wake up hmm

ChippingInHopHopHop Sun 21-Jul-13 09:58:56

What if he says he'll stop?

What if I said 'pigs fly'?

Both are equally believable.

You owe your daughter and yourself more than this?

Does your daughter deserve you dying through using some bad shit on a night out? Does she deserve you being with this loser? Does she deserve you being stressed out all the time?

Do you deserve to be dragged back into taking drugs?

Do you deserve to be worried when he's out?

Do you deserve to be in a relationship where he lies to shut you up?

Do you deserve to be in a relationship where he's too off his head or coming down to spend weekends with you & DD?

Wise up my love - you can leave him & I know you don't believe it, but your life will be better.

ChippingInHopHopHop Sun 21-Jul-13 09:59:43

Go round now, get your stuff and leave - you don't even need to wake him up.

ChippingInHopHopHop Sun 21-Jul-13 10:00:01

Just don't take DD with you.

He is awake, I'm dropping dd off then going round, sick again hmm

RenterNomad Sun 21-Jul-13 15:09:57

That's a terribly sad history of relationships. Good luck with making life a bit happier today....

Jaynebxl Sun 21-Jul-13 22:42:14

How did it go?

WhiteBirdBlueSky Sun 21-Jul-13 22:52:22

At first you said you just wanted advice on how to feel less stressed. You haven't said what made you give him the ultimatum.

If it's 'just' that the stress of the drugs use was so bad you couldn't be happy with him, then that is still a good reason to split up.

BloomingRose Sun 21-Jul-13 23:39:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tightfortime Mon 22-Jul-13 00:54:51

I've read all of this and wish you well as you move on, I truly hope you do.

I've been abandoned literally, in a foreign city with few friends, by a man who chose his gear over me. Zero self esteem allows that to happen.

Think of DD, would you want his for her when older? Of course not. She's worth way more than that, right?

So, why aren't you worth more too? You are, you know.

Happier times ahead with the cuddles and the Corrie, but with a real man who has his priorities right.

Still going on sad

What is still going on fated?

Talking, so many tears, this is hard.

I know sad
One thing I will advise is that he won't give up the drugs for you. He might give them up if he has an eye open moment and realises that his habit is bad for his life. Losing you might be an element if him realising that. But if he tries to stop it because you want him to and he is scared of losing you then it will fail.
If you want to give it a chance then go no contact with him and tell him that if he decides to change his habits himself to contact you in 6 months.

thatstripedthing Thu 25-Jul-13 10:11:26

Hello, fated. Any update?

Uppatea Thu 25-Jul-13 12:52:22

Hello Fated, I just want to second the suggestion to look at soberrecovery.com - my alcoholic husband left in January and it has been an absolute eye-opening life saver for me. Find rl support too eg counselling, charity support groups, alanon whatever you can find. I was totally bereft a few months ago and feel for you utterly. Thinking of my 2 daughters future was what honestly has kept me strong. Good luck, don't look back xx

I did not have the courage to end it.

This morning I found out he lied about seeing someone about a month ago. I am undoubtedly going to end up just letting this happen.

Sorry if you feel I have wasted your time.

nectarini1983 Sun 28-Jul-13 19:10:05

Hi OP...I understand your predicament entirely. ..ive reached the point with my dh who sounds like he behaves very much as your dp does......I dont care any more.....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

New problem now....what now with two kids and a mortgage!?!?!?!?!

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