Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Help me get through today

(30 Posts)
Spiceroots Fri 26-Apr-13 04:34:48

I recently have had to taken on more hours of work.
I generally work from home but for this project have had to work almost ft away from home.

I've always done the lions share of work with the house and dc and this past 3 months I've continued to do so but have really struggled.

H has also been under tremendous pressure having taken on alot this last few months.

Whilst he is a great dad he isn't a great husband.

Last night I got in very late for me, and was exhausted. H kept picking on little things and we kept bickering. I finally had enough and said I wanted to go to bed and pushed past him to go to the toilet and the next thing I knew I was flat on my back, d had smacked me across the face....
He then shoved me in the bathroom and locked the door and wanted to talk, because I said I wanted to leave.

I had a major major panic attack.

I was finally allowed out if the bathroom and h stormed out, and I crawled into bed. Now he's muttered an apology at me and is carrying on as though everything is normal.

I have to finish this project I'm working on, and for dc sake i need to keep things normal. But I feel like I'm not really here and not sure how I'm going to survive the day.

Just need to write all down, because I feel like I'm hallucinating .....

Oh no sad
He assaulted you violently. Do you feel able to call the police? Are you safe now?

Spiceroots Fri 26-Apr-13 04:52:25

He says its my fault for provoking him, and that I started it by pushing past him.
I'm feeling unreal like I'm here but not really here

schoolshoeblues Fri 26-Apr-13 05:49:57

HI,

It's very early in the morning so not many people online. I'm abroad and it's mid morning here for me.

Please, he has violently attacked you, call the police and get him out.

Where is he right now? It is NOT your fault, he's a violent prick. has this happened before?

Here to hand hold, won't go offline. Stay away from him and keep yourself safe
X

mummytime Belgium Fri 26-Apr-13 06:13:48

Please call the police. If you feel totally safe at present thn use 101. Please, please call them at least sometime today.

You should also phone Women's aid and get some advice/support.

This was DV. Him putting the blame on you is also abuse (and very very common).

Spiceroots Fri 26-Apr-13 06:16:55

I'm ok.
Younger dc is ill, looks like another asthma attack
Older ds gone to school.
I can't even think beyond right now.
It's like this is a movie of someone else I'm watching.

Maybe in some way it is also my fault. I did push him.

I just need to get thought right now

NotTreadingGrapes Fri 26-Apr-13 06:20:49

Don't you ever say this is your fault.

Presuming you aren't in the UK either, are you near family/friends that you can tell?

Nittynana Fri 26-Apr-13 07:45:19

This is domestic abuse. No ifs no buts, and no blaming you.

If this is not the first time you need to call the police, or women's aid for advice.

You need to be very very clear with him that what he has done is not acceptable wherever you are.

I hope you stay safe and strong
Xx

Spiceroots Fri 26-Apr-13 07:45:27

Very isolated. Ni family around. Not in the UK.

Don't really have a support network for this. So being here is really my only support.

Some how somewhere I went really wrong in life.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 26-Apr-13 07:49:49

It's not your fault. Call the police and report the assault. If you push and someone pushes back that's quite different to being smacked across the face. Get him out of your house, away from you and away from your children. He's done it once, he's blaming you and next time will be worse.

Jesus christ, in no way was that your fault! shock

PLEASE don't blame yourself for this.

Yes, you tried to push past him to get to the toilet...he then hit you so hard you were floored. I get the impression that it was probably because you said you were leaving, not because you were trying to get to the bathroom... hmm

If a stranger did this to you because you bumped shoulders in the street wouldn't you report it? It's even worse that it's your H and you are well within your rights to report it.

P.S of course he's said it's your fault. Then he doesn't need to take any responsibility for his actions or have the police involved hmm

Spiceroots Fri 26-Apr-13 07:50:41

I'm highly emotional. H is the complete opposite. If I'm cornered I panic and that's what happened yesterday. H needs to discuss and resolve things immediately.

I need to calm down, I wasn't calm, I did start it. But im physically much smaller then h and I don't deal at all well with being locked up.
I'm not scared of him more disgusted. He was screaming so close to my face that he was spitting on me and I couldn't get away because he was gripping my arm.

Today he has gone back to being normal. I'm so confused. I know I didn't dream it. I'm not on drugs or had any alcohol, I don't get it...

He's gone back to normal to minimize what he did. And it's working.

You didn't start it, nothing calls for that kind of over reaction.

Can you call women's aid? Explain to them what happened and they'll reassure you of what's actually going on here...

He was screaming so close to my face that he was spitting on me and I couldn't get away because he was gripping my arm

Yeah, because a bit of a shove warrants a scary attack like that hmm

When you say you wanted to leave do you mean the relationship or the toilet by the way?

foolonthehill Fri 26-Apr-13 07:58:33

if you push past someone in the supermarket you don;t end up flat on your back or locked in the bathroom.

Just because he is your husband and stressed does not excuse this behaviour. It is still wrong.

depending on which country you are in the police will be more or less helpful, but Women's aid is always there for advice and support.

This is in no way your fault.
However you do need to deal with it.

foolonthehill Fri 26-Apr-13 07:58:53

x post Orchard...

This is not your fault. If a friend if yours came to you with this would you say it was her fault? Of course not. Your "D"H assaulted you and if you allow him to minimise this, to make this your fault, he will do it again. It is not okay that he did this and you do not deserve it.

Please follow the other posters' advice and call the police.

NotTreadingGrapes Fri 26-Apr-13 08:05:33

Of course he's gone back to normal. Because he wants to forget it happened.

Until he does it again. And it will be your fault again then as well.

Roughly whereabouts are you? (if you feel you can tell us smile)

Oh, and locking you in the bathroom when presumably he knows you would panic is just as bad as the actual physical violence you know.

And if he gets away with it this time then he'll do it again. Why not?

It'll keep you quiet & 'in line'.

He assaulted you & said it was your fault...this is not healthy or normal in any way. If you accept this the once you'll be expected to accept it again. Don't mean to sound harsh but that is how he'll see it.

(by the way, I bet if you'd just walked out without the shove he'd have done the same...and it would still be 'your fault') hmm

Hope you're ok & the shock is wearing off. Please consider calling WA & maybe logging this incident (don't have to press charges etc) with the police.

saulaboutme Fri 26-Apr-13 10:24:32

OP he's your husband and he should not strike you the way he did! In the past I've met men who have said they are their wives punchbag, pushing past him to go to bed is not like you attacked him but he has attacked you and hurt you.
All the shit of locking you in the bathroom to "talk" is a load of bollocks, why would you want to talk it through under those circumstances. Maybe you're both under pressure and tired but violence is unacceptable. You say he's a good dad but a crap husband? How much further will he go if there's a next time?
I'd report this to the police, a man who hits a woman is pretty weak in my opinion. It's not your fault, keep that in your head. Hope your DC gets better and work gets more manageable for you.

Spiceroots Fri 26-Apr-13 11:32:47

Thank you for being so kind to me.
I don't feel like I really deserve any sympathy.

On the outside we have the perfect marriage, perfect family.

We have had some serious arguments before, but never this bad.
I told him yesterday that I wanted to leave, and I didn't not want to talk locked up in the bathroom. I was pleading and begging because I was feeling so panicked.

My parents are prepared to fly out and pick us up, but I can't do anything right now as dd is really struggling with her asthma.

I feel like everything is unreal. Reporting to anyone is not an option. I feel trapped.
I just want to go to sleep. But with dd so ill that isn't an option.

NeverTooManyCats Fri 26-Apr-13 11:41:04

Let your parents come. Can they stay until DD is feeling a bit better? You need to get out. That attack was horrific. Imagine if he had done something worse to you.

If you stay, he might think he can get away with doing it more often. Would you want your dd to grow up in a house where it was normal for daddy to attack mummy like that.

pigsDOfly Fri 26-Apr-13 12:51:59

This is awful OP. You sound so down and dejected. Don't let him make you think you deserved what he did. You didn't. It's not your fault. Don't let him persuade you that you can trust him not to do this or worse in the future.

Your parents coming sounds like a good idea. You need their support and maybe you should let them take you home with them. You need to keep yourself and your DC safe.

NotTreadingGrapes Fri 26-Apr-13 13:40:11

Have you told your parents?

Is your husband British? Please don't, whatever happens, just leave the country with the children. You could be charged with kidnapping.

(I don't want to frighten you any more than you already are, but you need to be very sure of your legal situation before leaving the country with your children. Is the country you are in a Hague Convention country?)

NotTreadingGrapes Fri 26-Apr-13 13:42:09

Can you tell us what country you are in? Maybe some MN expats will be able to give you more concrete advice. There is always somewhere you can turn to for help. PM one of us on here if you don't want to put it on a thread?

FlightyAphrodite Fri 26-Apr-13 13:57:59

Oh love sad its not your fault, of course you haven't done anything to deserve it! I'd let your parents come, you and dd need looking after and you aren't going to get that from the prick you are unfortunately married to.

NotTreadingGrapes Sat 27-Apr-13 08:35:31

How did it go yesterday OP?

Spiceroots Sat 27-Apr-13 18:06:08

My posts are getting lostsad

I'm ok, have come down with a nasty cold and cough.

H is acting like everything has gone back to normal. Its as though the other night never happened.

I'm starting to feel as though that I'm losing my mind.

My poor mum has been on the phone constantly but I've my voice!

H has taken dc out for dinner and every time I start to think about the other night I start getting panic attacks.

I just want to fast forward to next month

saulaboutme Sun 28-Apr-13 03:31:32

Op this is a huge wake up in your relationship. You know you don't deserve to be treated like this.

Recognise that this kind of abuse, which it is, follows the pattern tour husband is displaying.

You will only be happy if you and dcs happy are and healthy and away from his issues. so sorry you're ill now but men who behave like this will carry on if they've allowed. I suppose men and women do.
Find your strength and give yourself the happiness you deserve.
So glad your parents are supporting you.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now