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for SAHM's?

(79 Posts)
mummyof2kidsx Thu 25-Apr-13 22:20:23

I just wanted to know what the role of a husband and wife should be. The husband is in full time work, the wife is a stay at home mum? In my house I do absolutely everything even when my husband is off... I really do mean everything... all he does is go to work. on his days off he pleases himself...

mummyof2kidsx Thu 25-Apr-13 22:21:19

btw I have two kids 4 and 21 months, and a puppy xx

Have you seen the many other thousands of threads on this !!

Dahlen Thu 25-Apr-13 22:29:50

There's no 'should be' about it really. It's whatever works for you as a couple. But defining what 'works' can be quite tricky. It has to mean that you are both happy with it, genuinely.

Sounds to me like despite not earning wages, you are doing far more work than your H. You may want to read this book if you're having trouble putting into words a feeling that this is somehow unfair on you but you're not sure why.

Chottie Fri 26-Apr-13 05:06:04

Just a thought...... at the weekend after a busy week

Could you both take turns to get up and sort the children out in the morning so the other person could have a cup of tea in bed and a bit of a lie in?

Do you do things together as a family at the weekend?

schoolshoeblues Fri 26-Apr-13 05:59:55


I am sahm too. I organise the house and do the cooking, DH does very little in that front, but will help out in earnest if I ask him too - he was raised in a house where mum did everything, so housework and cooking don't come naturally to he naturally leaves everything at his feet.

As far as the children are concerned, he is really hands on when he is not working (he works til 11 most nights), and we take turns for lie ins at the weekend. On his days off, he will mostly let his free time revolve around us and what I plan for him.

That said, I often worry with the stress if work, and trying his best to be there for the kids that he has no time for himself, so I like for him to have a least another interest outside the family unit to have some down time on his own.

This is easy for me, because he is in involved when he can me. Your DH needs to learn hoŵ to compromise, because at the moment, there is none...

Poor you, you must be exhausted and frustrated. Sending you some flowers


mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 07:09:27

My husband works days and nights but he works 4 days in work and 4 days off. We do do things together with the kids when he is off but with regards to housework I do everything with no help. He might do the dishes every 6 months, he doesn't mow the grass, I haven't had a lie in since my ds was born 21 months ago. If I ask him for help he gets angry and it will be something simple. he says its my job cos he works and that his days off are his relaxing time. He plays football as a hobby, occasionally goes the gym.runs. Goes out with his mates for drinks, plays on his ps3. When he is off work I actually am more exhausted cos I have to look after him aswell..

Slainte Fri 26-Apr-13 07:11:53

Ask hin when is it your "relaxing time" OP?

MaryPoppinsBag Fri 26-Apr-13 07:16:17

He is being an absolute cock!
You deserve a break too.

I've been a SAHM now a Childminder . But we've always shared alternate lie ins on weekends / holidays.

Dear god your man wouldn't last a minute in my house.

abbyfromoz Fri 26-Apr-13 07:22:11

I have one (just turned 2) and 2 puppies. DH works from home a lot. I do all the cleaning, laundry, any ironing etc. We alternate mornings as DD wakes up at 6 most mornings and if DH doesn't have to rush to the office I don't see why one of us can't have a little more sleep time. DH deals with dogs (feeding, walking, pooper scooping)... I tried walking them with DD a few times but they pull on the lead... Impossible with a toddler who wants to help walk them! I deal with getting DD dressed, lunch, dinner, play dates, activities. He helps with bed time (he does bath & story, i make bottle, put in. P.j's and we both say goodnight). We do grocery shopping together. Since 50% of the time DH works from home, I need to keep DD out of his hair, so I often take her out of the house. If i meet friends, childcare is more often than not left for me to sort out, unless we are doing something as a couple... Then DH will sometimes arrange a babysitter himself- or ask me to do it. I do most of the cooking. If i cook, half the time DH will clean up and vice versa.

What was he like before you had children? Did he spend his days off doing fuck all of any use then too?

mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 07:51:03

Well I had my daughter at 19 and we were still still living at home before then. I moved in with him a couple of months before she was born and its been the same since. He doesnt want to help, he doesnt think he should have to.. He has never cooked tea, or even made me a cup of tea.. Its like he is staying in a hotel but I think he'd do more in a hotel than he does in his own home.

mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 07:51:37

I sort out childcare, he never has to worry about that. He just does what he wants

LookingForwardToMarch Fri 26-Apr-13 07:56:10

I do the cooking, sometimes some cleaning.

He does the laundry,washing up, bins, gardening.

We 50/50 night feeds, changing dd,.bathing etc.

We toss a coin to decide who does the ironing.

mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 08:09:49

LookingForwardToMarch - can we swap husbands? hhaha maybe you can train mine.. He has never done laundry, never cleans up, he'll empty the bin but only if I ask him to and will moan about it, He doesnt do gardening. At the moment my grass is reallly long and my garden is full of rubbish that needs to go to the tip. We look dead scruffy. I don't drive or i'd take it myself!
He has never done a night feed with either of my children, he will change a nappy only if he really has to when I rarely go out, but if i'm there there is no way. He occasionally baths them but hasn't done for at least 3 months.

He doesnt do ironing...
He doesnt do ANYTHING....
and I cant do it all on my own. It's just impossible

mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 08:10:37

and he says I MAKE MYSELF STRESSED! i tell him what I have to do and he says "and?????"

LookingForwardToMarch Fri 26-Apr-13 08:35:24

Haha no way Mummy, I know I've got a rare one here.

Can't take the credit for him though, his mum raised him like that so I guess it just comes naturally to him.

I could take your dh round my mil's and let her train him? Ha ha

LookingForwardToMarch Fri 26-Apr-13 08:38:37

I agree on one thing. That is way too much to be doing by yourself!!!

Might I suggest a strike? Do sod all for him, leave his laundry, just cook for you and the dc's etc.

Jibberoo Fri 26-Apr-13 08:56:01

I'm sort of a sahm. I work with my husband (but all I do is admin and the books) and I take care if the house and ds. While it annoys me sometimes when I'm tired that I have to do everything at home (dh does nothing in evening and weekends) I just remind myself that dh also gets fed up of being the one to work hard in a stressful job but unlike me can't ask me to do his job for him. When I used to work full time in diff job we did share housework but to be honest it's much easier to be sahm than it was working full time. It all depends on what makes you happy and what works for you. I'm lucky that if I'm really tired dh will help out at home.

Mumsyblouse Fri 26-Apr-13 09:03:41

I wish SGB was here as she does have a way of putting things so colourfully, but I'm happy to put it for you in my own words: he's treating you like a domestic servant and not a life partner.

Over the years, I have SAH, so has my husband, we've both worked part-time, we've both worked full-time like now. We HAVE to share chores, cooking and childcare on weekends because we both work, there's no one person making themselves all important and getting time off (like your idiot of a husband who appears to live in a fantasy version of the 1950's).

You need time off for your leisure and for you to relax. A lie in one day out of two. Him stacking the dishwasher, him cooking one meal out of the two big ones on weekend. Normal shared lifestyle behaviour (and believe me, our house is not tidy and our meals not gourmet, but at least we all know we have to pull our weight).

When you start speaking to other people you will realise not all SAHM have a husband like this. What you do with this informatio is up to you and how much you resent it I guess.

mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 09:33:17

I know he works and I don't expect him to do anytthing on the days he works but heworks 4 days then has 4 days off so for 4 days he does nothing while I am doing everything. I don't expect him to cook, I dont expect him to do laundry I dont expect him to go food shopping etc. All I want is the occasional lie in, even if its till 8am as im normally up at 6am! And maybe wash the dishes every so often and cut the grass when it needs cutting. he has had a brand new car for 7 months and he cant even keep that clean. it is filthy inside and out. he brings his dirty football boots home and throws them in the hall and they sticnk. he puts dirty clothes in my clean ironing basket, he put clothes that he has gotten out of the wardrobe that are clean to try on in the dirty washing basket when they have never been worn. he spills a drink and will wipe it up with a clean towel. He will get in the bath after football and leave mud all over the bath.... ASWELL as this, he speaks to me like I am a dog and is abusive...he just doesnt understand what a real marriage is like. I know because my parents are the perfect example. I have NEVER witnessed them having an argument, my mum is the main cleaner/ cook etc but my dad does his share. If she has to go out, he will clean up, he will sort out the garden, he will do diy. I rely on them for everything, if I didnt have them I would have had a breakdown by now... If I havent already

DragonMamma Fri 26-Apr-13 09:43:33

He sounds like a nightmare OP

I worked very very part time in a pub so I'm pretty much a sahm.

My rules are that when he's here everything's 50/50. He is brilliant with looking after the kids - he does all the baths and bedtime, takes them swimming, soft play etc to give me a break.

He also does most of the tidying and I'll do the cleaning. I'm the better cook so I do most of that but he will cook if I ask him too. He does the washing up or loading the dishwasher after dinner.

We get roughly the same amount of time to ourselves - he goes to football on a Saturday afternoon EOW and then he'll take the kids out for a morning in 'return'.

He also does any night wakings and gives me most well, all of the lie ins as I genuinely need more sleep than him and working until midnight a couple of times a week after looking after DC2 all day tires me out.

Oh, we have 2 dc. 5 and 2

Moomoomee Fri 26-Apr-13 09:44:01

I am a newly SAHM and I do most things. I have it easier because I only have one child and I have utmost respect for mums of more than one because phew, kids are a full time job!

That said, my OH does the washing up most nights and looks after DS when I finish up making dinner. That IMO is enough for me. However you know how much you feel is acceptable and yeah sure it's hard going to work but you both are parents and your OH should be involved to whatever extent in childcare.

Thing is looking after kids is a 24/7 365 days a year job and YANBU to ask for help!

musickeepsmesane Fri 26-Apr-13 09:45:37

This is about more than housework. He speaks to you as if you are a dog?? Do you know what, we have a dog and I sometimes wish my husband wouldn't be quite so .....loving and soft with it. I assume this is not what you mean. Your OH sounds like a selfish man. I think this is going to be a difficult thread for you, but you know this otherwise you wouldn't have posted.

mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 09:47:53

Yes I should rephrase that. It's just a saying but no we have a puppy and he treats him better. ok he treats me like dog POO!. hahah xx

NeverTooManyCats Fri 26-Apr-13 09:54:23

Lets see, I've been a SAHM for 5 years. Have 2 DC. I clean the house, look after the DC and will sometimes cook tea (DH likes cooking, i don't. Im more of a baking kind of gal so i keep us in cakes). In the evening I get the kids ready for bed unless its bath night, while DH walks the dog. Yes as a sahm you do the jobs around the house that your DH can't do(as he's at work), but as soon as DH is home, its both of us doing things until kids are in bed, allowing us to enjoy the evening together.

Your relationship sounds so one sided. You are a married couple, a team and both of you are parents. Fair enough, you do your "job" when he is at work, but you really are both working, you just don't get paid for it.

It sounds like he has no respect for you whatsoever and treats you like a maid, not a partner.

plantsitter Fri 26-Apr-13 09:57:50

I am a SAHM. Although I do most of the housework (that gets done) and DH and I have a constant 'conversation' about who ought to do what and when, the work levels probably work out roughly equal.

Are you happy for your kids behave like this when they're older? Because unless you give him a massive kick up the arse or take some other drastic measure, they are going to treat you like a slave too. They are learning that the man of the house is the special important one who gets to have lie-ins and hobbies because his out of the home work is so amazingly important, and that the woman of the house's role is drudge whose whole life exists for the comfort of others.

His attitude is not your fault. But you can do something about it.

Do you love him? Do you like him?

musickeepsmesane Fri 26-Apr-13 10:00:00

Are you hoping to get advice on how to cope with your OH? He seems to think you are his personal skivvy. This is not what the role between husband and wife 'should be'. Not even close.

PiHigh Fri 26-Apr-13 10:02:25

I don't get this "I don't expect him to do anything on the days he works" crap. What, so you work 24 hours a day on those days looking after the kids while he does 8 hours in his job? How the fuck is that fair/equal?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Fri 26-Apr-13 10:03:28

Once more with feeling...

You should both have equal amount of leisure time. So if he gets two hours relaxing, so should you. If he questions this, ask why he thinks he is more important than you. He obviously values himself more than you if he thinks his free time is more important than yours.

How do you handle money in your house?

flossy101 Fri 26-Apr-13 10:10:47

I'm on maternity leave with a 9 month old. I do all the washing, ironing and cooking, when DH gets home from work at about 6pm, we have tea, I wash up, he dries and puts away, he then baths the baby, gives baby a bottles, changes and puts to bed.

On a weekend we share childcare, an he hovers, bins and cleans the cars.

Lavenderhoney Fri 26-Apr-13 10:11:12

Sounds awful. Does he take the dc out at weekends? Or do you do all that too? Being a great dad isn't playing with them for 2 mins whilst you clean then handing them back because they are wet or crying. Or just being a male presence in the house.

If you had the example of your parents I'm not sure why you put up with it!

If you tell him to shape up what does he do? Nothing? You'll have to think carefully. Like this this forever, or kick him to the kerb. What ever you choose to do, do you want to go through with either option?

I had a friend like this. She left in the end with the dc. He only noticed she had gone because the fridge didn't magically fill with food. Her dc never asked for him once after she left. They knew better than her he wasn't interested.

flossy101 Fri 26-Apr-13 10:11:56

Sent too soon, your set up doesn't sound fair at all.

mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 10:13:58

I deal will all of the finances, not through choice. I beg him to take over as we are in a mess financially and I just cant handle it. I just would like him to take some of the pressure. He's not interested in anything. For example in my mum and dads marriage my dad is atleast interested in things like the virgin tv package and deals with everything to do with that and also the electric and gas. but my OH just does not care full stop... I don't know really why I posted on here, just really to reassure myself that I SHOULD be angry because he is ALWAYS telling me i'm wrong

JacqueslePeacock Fri 26-Apr-13 10:16:55

Why are you staying with this man?

musickeepsmesane Fri 26-Apr-13 10:18:04

oh yes, you should be angry. very very angry. you need to figure out how to use it positively though. How can he tell you you are wrong when he doesn't even try? I think you need outside help to cope with this. Do your parents know how bad things are?

mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 10:18:48

I put up with it because i'm stupid. To be honest it was only the other day I had a thread on here asking if we should seperate. I had a suitcase packed and everything. He came home and was talking about how he'll change and stop being abusive. I didn't even go into the helping around the house side of it... I didn't leave, i'm still here like an idiot.. He hasnt spoken to me badly for like a day haha but that is because he hasnt been here, he's been in work. I know he will start again but I made it pretty clear to him that if things don't change I am gone. So, i'm going to see how long he lasts (probably less than a week) and if he starts again... im off..

givemeaclue Fri 26-Apr-13 10:20:58

Why on earth would you put up with this

mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 10:22:06

My parents do know and they do not like him, but there is nothing they can do as I need to do this myself... they would be there to support me if we split up but I think they are just so tired with it all. This has been going on for years.

Flobbadobs Fri 26-Apr-13 10:26:17

Yes you should be bloody angry!
I'm a SAHM and do pretty much everything round the house and with the DC's as DH works sometimes 12 hours a day. He does do whatever is needed at the time because he is an adult and can recognise that if something is in the sink it needs washing, or if there are clothes in the basket they need to go in the washer. He also usually has a list of little jobs that need sorting out.
DD2 has for some reason decided that 5.30 am is time to get up so during the week i get up with her and mainline the coffee. I catch up on a small nap later on.
On Saturday we managed a lie in till about 7, got up and he took all the DC's out for the morning while sending me back to bed. He brought me back a bacon butty for breakfast. Does your DH ever do anything similar?
Mine isn't in the house very long during the week but he still pulls his weight even when he's tired.

mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 10:32:11

there is absolutely NOWAY he would take the kids out while I lay in... on a Saturday when he is at football i get up sort the dog out, sort the kids breakfast, dress them, take my daughter to ballet pick her up, come home tidy up and to be honest I go to my mum and dads to escape life... there I get help with the kids and all my stresses go away... when i'm at home I feel so stressed like my brain is going to explode... I cant think straight, rationally i feel insane..

mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 10:39:35

The reason I don't ask him to do anything on the days he is in work is because he works 12 hour shifts... but he does not have a hard job... he even tells my dad he doesn't have to do anything all day

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Fri 26-Apr-13 10:40:12

Poor you. (((Hugs))) You can be angry of course. I think you know it is not on. With 4 days on 4 days on, there is scope for your H to help much more, but he clearly believes that he is above house chores. My DH works very, very long hours, but finds time to do readings/taking DCs to their weekend club/finance/admin. I do cleaning (not to great standard, and DH will help at weekend with heavy jobs), cooking, child minding.

You are working. Google the annual salary of a nanny to start with, this is what you are saving at least, not to mention cleaning, etc.

Given how long this has been going on, I would expect he would need a shock/ultimatum to change.

What do you want to do?

musickeepsmesane Fri 26-Apr-13 10:41:16

It seems that you know hubby is going to fail. BTW you are not stupid. You are optimistic. That is good. You have a choice now, wait and see if the idea of losing you is enough to make him see the light or kick him out now. Marriage is supposed to be an equal and supportive partnership, you know this. Your parents are a great example. Its great they will support you. Keep a suitcase packed as a reminder to him. Shouldn't it be his suitcase? Wouldn't you be staying in the home with the kids?

Get rid of the man child ! You know that though don't you ? Honestly I had one once and the best thing I did was move in with my friend and her husband so I could see what a proper supportive partner does for you

You deserve better now go !

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Fri 26-Apr-13 10:45:54

OP, I don't even where to begin. Nobody should live like this. Never mind the housework - he's abusive to you? He's nicer to the dog than you? He obviously just sees you as his maid - there to do his cleaning and have his children, but he doesn't respect or care about you, or see you as an equal.

For what it's worth I've been a sahm for years, and when dh is home from work he helps with the children, he'll do bath and bed. He'll make the children's lunch at weekends, take them out to give me a break, help me clear up, empty the dishwasher, anything really. We're a team. I tend to do the actual cleaning and laundry while he's at work. when I'm not on MN And on the odd occasion he comes home from work in a bad mood and barks 'Have I got any dinner?" I say 'Please don't speak to me like I'm your servant.'

Do you even love him?

Shagmundfreud Fri 26-Apr-13 10:49:02

I work VERY part time (about a day or so a week in total). 3 dc's in school. Dog.

DH has a very stressful management job and works long hours. He doesn't clean or tidy more than once in a blue moon, but during the weekend will put a wash on, stack the dishwasher, do a food shop, take the kids shopping. He cooks at the weekend too a lot of the time.

He's very handsome too. smile

I am a shit housewife and the house is a bit of a tip. Don't know what I do with all my time - other than spend a lot of it tidying the kitchen for some reason, catching up with admin for work, feeling tired. I do recognise how lucky I am. My only beef is that he NEVER puts anything away, to the point of not even shutting a drawer after getting something out of it, but no one is perfect...

mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 10:52:15

i have left before, before we got married, but i took him back and married him. it's my own fault. don't know whats wrong with me, my dad (jokingly) says to me i must like to inflict pain on myself... my house is just in a state at the moment... because i simply have so much to do I can't do it all. In fact i'm sitting on here typing this when really I should be cleaning! but I'm just looking at the house as a whole and just feel overwhelmed because so much needs to be done. I would want to go to my mums because he would not leave and it is easier for me to just go there... I would move out from my mums eventually but if we were to split we really would need to sell the house to get rid of the debt

mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 11:00:25

the thing is, if we were to go on holiday or on a family day out, or if we are sitting watching a film at night or when he is being entertained he is nice. BUT, this is only because I am not asking him to do anything. He is enjoying himself. I was thinking maybe we should go away and see how we are away from all the stress of the house, money etc but there is no point because he will be great. it's when he gets home and has to do ANYTHING that is slightly uncomfortable that he is just horrible. Even if its me asking him to watch the dog for 10 minutes.... the puppy is still not housebroken which is and absloute nightmare...

musickeepsmesane Fri 26-Apr-13 11:01:00

Sounds like you are planning your escape. I would imagine that it must hurt a little that your dad has said that. You need to tell your parents honestly how emotionally fragile you are. You are not the only person on here avoiding the housework wink I am going now to do picking up, then hoovering. Should take 30mins. You want to join me? Might make you feel a bit better? Ironic really as being treated like a maid started this thread!

mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 11:01:48

do i love him? - when he is nice.. when hes not i loathe him

mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 11:06:11

my mum and dad do understand, more so my mum. it must be frustating for them because I was brought up in a house where my mum and dad respected each other. my brother and his wife have the perfect relationship too, there is so much history to this relationship that mym um and dad no longer try to encourage me to stick it out and try to make things work. they have accepted he will never change and just want me to get out ...

mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 11:09:08

i think i just need a hug skip outside my house to get rid of all the clutter in my house, there is toys everywhere just all sorts. its not dirty but i just have tooo much stuff

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Fri 26-Apr-13 11:12:09

I think 2 young children and an untrained puppy, and no help at all form dh, would be enough to grind anyone down tbh.

What would be your ideal solution op? To have him help a bit more and not be abusive to you? You might not be able to have that - he would have to see that his treatment of you is unreasonable. The problem is that he is quite content with you doing everything and him just doing as he pleases - heading off to football and leaving you to clean up after him etc.

I would suggest a serious conversation about both your roles and family life, and him having more responsibility around the home - but as he's already abusive to you, I woud be worried about that abuse escalating if you start to assert yourself more.

musickeepsmesane Fri 26-Apr-13 11:13:52

although I think you meant huge I would give you a hug if I could! I am glad your parents are understanding, it makes a huge difference to have hat support. Please stop judging yourself from others 'perfect' relationships. Don't you just hate it when parents are right? I didn't get of my backside to start blush got distracted by a teacake thread blush

PleaseDontEatMyShoe Fri 26-Apr-13 11:17:05

Would your life be easier without him in it, OP? It sounds like it would-I wouldn't accept a situation where the person who was meant to love and care for me was going out of his way to make my life harder (throwing dirty stuff into your ironing basket? letting the puppy wee on the floor, so you have to clean it up? Unacceptable).

I think you've got worn down. You deserve more than this-please listen to your parents, and give yourself the chance to be happy.

We had friends that used to both work, and have a day off at the weekend each.
We always thought it was odd, but now we have a ds, we can see why they did it. (We own a business that runs itself so we're both home every day and take it in turns).
BUT, you also need time together. That's where our friends messed up, currently splitting up 8 years after child was born.........
It's hard work looking after a child 24/7, but it's also hard work working, you've just got to reach a compromise. Maybe you have Sundays together, and take every other Saturday in turns or something like that smile

ITryToBeZenBut Fri 26-Apr-13 11:18:41

I'm slightly intruding as not a SAHM but i wanted to put a different perspective on it.

My other half is a SAHD. I work. Long hours. In what is considered a stressful job.

But -we support each other with cooking, housework etc. I know his role at home is difficult and don't expect him to somehow cook, clean etc. If he can, he does. What he doesn't do in the day, we share in our spare time. I'd say this reflects what you say is respecting each other mummy Doesn't matter whether you're the mum/dad in my view, people in supportive relationships support each other.

Sometimes there isn't time for it all and I'd rather get home, put the baby to bath/bed to get time with him, then return to work later in the eve until 11pm say and just have to ignore the pile of ironing because we'd both just rather have a bit of family time than worry about the little things. Our compromise is agreeing together that as along as everything is clean even if messy then it's ok.

I just don't get your DH's view. How one person expects the other to do everything? Being at work shouldn't automatically give you a pass to help around the house if your other half is doing their best but needs help.

I don't have much constructive advice just wanted to say that I really feel for you, I really do.

By day off at the weekend each, I mean they were both off work for 2 days, but used to have a day to themselves each and the other would take the child somewhere.

meddie Fri 26-Apr-13 11:19:49

My ex was like that except I also worked full time and had two kids. My life became infinitely less stressful and more pleasant when I booted his sorry arse out. just a thought.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Fri 26-Apr-13 11:21:42

You have to protect your sanity. You sound burnt out, or pretty close to it.

What would happen if you just relaxed and did less? Got a cleaner, occasional ready meals, let some admin go (not everything needs re-subscribing to, etc)?

Also, do get rid if what bothers you. Clutter is depressing to look at.

DrinkFeckArseGirls Fri 26-Apr-13 11:25:03


You need to get out of this marriage. This man is abusive and he basically doesn't consider that women are human beings. This attitude is impossible to change.
Remember that you don't need his permission to dump him. Get some advice from Women's Aid etc on the practicalities - would your parents let you move back in with them for a while? Or are they the sort who will insist that women really are men's servants and you need to stop moaning and obey your husband? You will get benefits as a single parent and your H will be legally compelled to pay towards the DCs' upkeep.
Best of luck, but don't waste any more time on this man. He isn't worth it.

Ah Xposted: your parents are on your side so let them help. Write the marriage off. It's not fixable because he will never lose the conviction that you are a 'woman' ie somewhere between a pet and a household appliance, and that he is entitled to control and exploit you.

mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 11:28:07

another thing is he puts on an act when people come round. he does nothing when its just me and him but my friends came round for an hour to see the kids a few weeks ago and all of a sudden he started doing the dishes and mopped the kitchen.... I was in shock but I was onto him and my friends even said to me it was obviously just an act... he only speaks to me abusively when no one is there. when my mum and dad are there he speaks to me like a nice person would. to be honest, when he does it makes my skin crawl... even when we are on our own and he tries to be "affectionate" i feel awkward and dont like it

mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 11:33:40

my parents respect marriage and advise me on what each of our roles should be but they do not think i should be walked all over. i should be respected by my husband. obviously being a sAHM i should be taking care of the general running of the household while hes at work but when he is off work he should be supporting me and helping round the house and with kids and not going off pleasing him self all the time. what they did say is to do everything i should be doing so that i cannot be accused of not doing my job and if he doesn't change then leave...

musickeepsmesane Fri 26-Apr-13 11:34:25

Invite your friends round more, specially when you have loads to do!grin Seriously, tho', you don't like him. He makes your skin crawl. There seems to be nothing worth saving in your relationship. You know what you need to do.

mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 11:36:41

what a good idea haha... i do know but i need to wait till he messes up again (probably tomorrow) as i did tell him this was his last chance

rollmeover Fri 26-Apr-13 11:36:53

Crikey, hes really done one on you. You are not stupid nor is this your own fault.

I am a SAHm. My dh works 12 hours 5 days a week, and at the weekend we have a lie in each, he takes responsibility for our dd food, nappy changes etc. if he is home he does bath and bed. I do all the cooking, cleaning, house stuff. He does the finances. We both have equal access to those finances and I can (within reason) buy what I want without asking as can he. We both have regular time off/away eg gym, night out or coffee with friends, hobbies. Thats what works for us. We do fight sometime, neither of us are perfect, but we are a team. The minute he said he wasnt going to do stuff cause it was my job would be the day I would be out of there.

Please speak to your parents. If you do want to leave it might feel daunting but you can take your time, get a plan in place re housing, job, what benefits you are entitled to.

You do it all just now anyway, so being a lone parent will actually be less work for you if you are not picking up after him!

Lavenderhoney Fri 26-Apr-13 11:41:08

And how long have you been at the point where you are doing everything and should leave?

Your parents sound lovely and must love you so much to have the courage to support you and let you decide for yourself - not forcing you so you somehow convince yourself to go back when he says it will be better, and not blame them.

The pretending round others shows he knows he is an arse. He sounds worse every time you post, tbh. I wouldn't bother with a showdown, he might get nasty. And you've been through it before, nothing changes and you stay. Can you stay with your parents, sort the divorce and house sale from there - call women's aid etc as you will need advice, and then look at beginning again without this millstone round your neck.

mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 11:45:51

i have always done everything to be honest, they just mean dont stop doing things around the house to get at him because it will make me even more depressed...and he will use it against me... my mum and dad want me to come home NOW... but the are on holiday at the moment and want me to wait till they get back so they can support me

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Fri 26-Apr-13 11:46:03

OP, your post of 11:28:07 is sad and scary.

He is abusive. He knows his behaviour is not acceptable, hence changing it when observed.

mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 11:50:11

if you were all to meet him you would think he was a lovely person, everyone thinks he's great... and his mum and dad are responsible because they have brought him up to think he is the most important person and to only think about himself.

mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 11:53:48

to be honest i just dont know whats up with him... he's not evil... his parents relationship broke down because of similar reasons. not because his dad was abusive but because he was a lazy git and she had to do everything for herself... he hasnt had any guidance. i have my parents have brought me up to respect people around me, to want to do things for people i love. i used to enjoy doing things for him. i used to like making his tea, etc. now i resent it

Was he an only child, and spoilt rotten by his parents?
(I'm not stereotyping onlies btw, I might have an only yet) just curious.

DuelingFanjo Fri 26-Apr-13 14:44:54

"Was he an only child, and spoilt rotten by his parents?
(I'm not stereotyping onlies btw, I might have an only yet) just curious."

why mention if he was an only child then, you could just ask if he was spoilt by his parents?

to the OP - I would stop doing his washing and ironing - tell him that's what you will be doing.

Squitten Fri 26-Apr-13 15:41:48

You're being treated like a slave OP!

My DH owns a business so he has flexibility in his hours - works every day but can work at home if needed and generally tends to do late mornings/late evenings. Mon-Fri he's generally only here in the mornings so he'll help sort out breakfast and play with the kids while he has his coffee but then he's out for the day. I do all the chores - laundry, cleaning, dishes, cooking, etc, but he will cook if he's here in the evenings, help tidy up if I haven't done it, do baths for the kids. Even at times when the kitchen has looked like a bombsite, he never criticises - just helps fix it!

Weekends he does loads with the kids. I'm pregnant and studying part-time so he often takes the kids out to the park or somewhere so I can study or have a rest. He cooks a lot on weekends, looks after the garden. He pleases himself too - he's often out doing cycling stuff or down the pub of an evening but is also happy to watch the kids while I'm out.

Men like yours are not the norm. Your husband sounds utterly nasty and I really hope that you can get yourself free of him. You can be happy too OP!

Lavenderhoney Fri 26-Apr-13 17:30:26

You resent it because he doesn't treat you with any respect and love, and he won't. You know you deserve better, and frankly you will be better off on your own anyway. Don't let the pattern repeat for your dc.

If he wanted to help, he would. If he wanted to work, he would, even working for p/t for someone, or doing a charity horses for free except for materials, just to get out there. You can't fix him, or take any blame at all for refusing to spend your life like this or subjecting your dc to it.

It sounds like you are mentally preparing to go tbh. Yes, as soon as your parents get back. Start to secretly pack a go bag. All important paperwork. You can always give him copies later on if you want to. And don't worry about cleaning up, if you plan to leave. He can do it.

Duelling, because more often than not, it's onlies that get spoilt!
I know I spoil my ds at the moment, as does everyone else as he's the only 'baby' of the family, but if I had 2 or more, he would less likely to be spoilt, hence the question of was he an only.

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