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Can anyone shed any light on this mans behaviour.(41 Posts)
Just not the from the ' learn to speak man' poster.
I have a third date tonight. He text to arrange it Sunday, after he had said he would let me know when he was free over the weekend and didnt.
He was all chatty, we have plans and then I dont hear from him.
In person he is very chatty, but via text ( and he wont speak on the phone) he is awful. I have tried the odd random text and it just gets one word replies.
It doesnt make me feel like he wants to see me to be honest, it doesnt feel like hes making any effort. I cancelled the second date due to this and told him and he then was a lot more chatty, but its reverted to one word texts again.
Hes also constantly on the dating site where I met him, which is fine, but coupled with the rubbish texts, it generally feels like he isnt interested. If he can be bothered chatting online, he should be bothered to text. But then he was him whos asking to see me.
Should I just not bother?
Sounds like he's married to me.
He doesn't sound very interested if I'm honest, you've already had a word and things haven't improved. It shouldn't be this hard, especially at the beginning, it should be fun!
If it were me, I'd be moving on....
He isnt married or living with anyone but hasnt been single that long.
In person hes charming and lovely it just seems so at odds to how he is in between that time.
pantson - see, think is, we're all different. Not just us men, but you women too. Without making huge generalisations - but then going on to make one but based on experience! - women are far more into texting than men. Actually, out of work, men tend to use mobiles for calls or texting far less than women - again, based on my experience. I have probably made no more than 20 calls on my mobile in the last year. I do text, however.
You say he doesn't want to speak on the phone. I know women on the dating thread who won't speak on the phone.
Surely it is far more important WHO he is and WHAT he like in person than what he is like at texting?!?!?
I don't think the lack of talking on the phone or long texts is the problem, but he's already unreliable and inconsistent. That would be enough for me to call it off, TBH.
Reading between the lines, I suspect he's not ready for a relationship being so soon out of his last one. He probably enjoys the flirting that goes on before the dating stage. Once you start actually seeing someone in the flesh it becomes a lot more 'real' and I don't think he's ready for that yet.
I understand that. But feel it jarrs somewhat when hes almost constantly online on the dating site. He must be chatting to women, or at least trying to. So if hes doing that he can surely text.
It makes me feel like he really isnt interested and i feel very much like cancelling based on this. He is meant to be staying over tonight so we can both have a few drinks. I dont really want somone on my sofa who cant be bothered to send a text but can be bothered to chase women online.
At this point it should be fun and exciting and getting to know each other, if he only responds to texts with one word answers and im only seeing him every 10 days or so, then its not really going to grow into anything more.
forget him. There are nicer guys out there
pantson - have you had an 'exclusive' chat? Seems unlikely if this is date 3 (although I could be wrong). Unless you have, BOTH of you are entirely free to see other people, go online and exchange messages with other people. And just because he is shown up as online, doesn't necessarily mean he is chatting with other people. If, for example, the site is POF, he could be on forums.
Doesn't necessarily mean he is not a decent guy. But he's clearly not the guy for you.
You feel like he isn't interested...
Erm...what else do you need to know? NEXT!!
If I had arranged a date with a guy, I wouldn't expect constant texting in between and I think it's a bit sad that you are measuring him by this, when perhaps he's not that into texting like me (is he old over 40?!). He also doesn't know you that well yet either. Having said that, I would be more bothered by his lacksadasical attitude towards contacting you when he said he would, perhaps go on this third date and see how you feel about him.
But, you don't have to like him so if you don't, throw him back in the pond!
we arent exclusive at all, its fine that hes online, but the contrast between him being online the whole time, and not being able to reply to anything with anything other than ' cool' is a bit crap. Its like having a one sided conversation.
Hes 30 so is fine with phones, he has two, one for work, he has a twitter, fb etc, he isnt a technaphobe.
pants - just cancel and move on. I'm not a technophobe, I have a phone, I have a FB. But I do not spend all my time texting and ringing people.
Seriously, it's clear he is not compatible with you on this front, so just cancel the date and look for others.
With regards to the OP, he's not interested enough, IMO. Move on to the next one!
I dont want him to be constantly texting or calling me. That would be annoying. What i do want is a general response other than ' cool' when i ask a question about plans or something.
I was going out with someone like that. 33 years old and despised texts, emails, fb etc.. was great to talk to but crap when not face to face. Phone calls would just be to say what needed to be said - 1 minute max usually, lol.
I think some people just don't like technology.
Hello. I'm online dating at the moment so I feel your pain!!
I wouldn't bother tbh. By third date I would expect to be communicating quite a bit and making plans for next date iykwim.
I'd move on if I were you
Good luck though!
Forget him, at best he doesnt seem interested at worst he has someone.
I can almost guarantee he'll suggest to meet later and later at night and turn it into a fwb situation.
Delete his number.
Ummm, sorry but were you saying that the third date was to be a sleep over at yours? Imho, after only two dates, you are still virtually strangers. "Having drinks so you can talk" (and who knows what he is reading into that?) can not possibly be worth the risk of having a stranger in your home overnight. Please be careful.
No worse than spending the night with someone you have pulled in a club.
Ive met him before, hes fine. He lives too far away to get a taxi back and public transport doesnt run past 10:30pm. We arent drinking to talk, we are having a few drinks, its a nice thing to do.
No, it isn't any worse than spending the night with someone from a club and there is certainly no judgement here but, reading your post at 12:12 makes me feel sad for you - there is no way you should be feeling like that at the beginning of a relationship!
This is meant to be the fun time, where you are both getting to know each other and whilst not everyone texts constantly you should be feeling a lot more positive than you currently sound.
If I were you, I would honestly cancel the night and leave him to continue with his online dating.
Personally, I'm a chatty bloke. I like having conversations with friends, in person. I don't text very much - it doesn't make me a bad person I'd just rather wait until I see the person and talk. Texting is very impersonal, it's very easy to miscommunicate when you don't know someone very well and I'd rather see how someone reacts to what I say than just talk on the phone.
This isn't always the case, of course, but men are usually more this way than women, who prefer to talk in person or on the phone or by text compared to men.
It doesn't mean he's not into you, just that he's not into texting. If you can't accept that in a potential partner, then move on.
After two dates he's still entitled to look at the sites, even date other people, as are you, until you've had the 'exclusivity' talk.
If he can't make a straightforward plan to see you, then he's not that keen. Maybe he'll become so in future, but don't try to second guess on that. If you like him enough to keep seeing him, then keep it light. But until he can show some basic reliability, I wouldn't go exclusive with him.
Like others have said it would be the 'forgetting' to make plans with you at the weekend which would bother me more than infrequent or brief texts.
Also if he is not ready to date after his last relationship maybe he is just online window-shopping...
I'd move on unless you really want to shag him.
IIRC research indicates that people generally sleep together on the 3rd date. That's probably why he's keeping in touch.
You don't seem compatable if that (the communication) is an issue for you, so move on
How do you know that for the duration of him appearing online on the dating site, he is reading it or even has that browser tab in the foreground? You don't. Don't assume that someone is sitting at the computer or looking at a site just because the site is showing them as online. 1. He could have 10 browser tabs open and be logged in but look at it for 2 minutes and then not again but you see him logged in for 3 hours because it's still open in his browser. 2. Some site's aren't that reliable - e.g I have known OKCupid to show someone online 20 minutes after they are not. 3. Being online 'constantly' doesn't necessarily mean he is sat there the whole time. I appear online on several sites when I am up and down and doing 10 different things at the same time.
Some people just really don't see the point of texting anything other than as a way of making plans and, it would seem in his case, acknowledging and agreeing them. I wouldn't chat on the phone after 2 dates either. Really, judge him by what he is like in person and real life actions rather than virtual ones.
I have a third date tonight. He text to arrange it Sunday, after he had said he would let me know when he was free over the weekend and didnt.
Based on what you say above, I would bin him. Personally, I can't stand unreliable people.
He sounds half-hearted to me and at this stage it should be fun.
I agree with the bin and move on brigade.
If he's like this now I think it's likely that's how it will always be. If you stick around and begin to really like him it'll be excruciating and frustrating.
i think its pretty obvious, hes not that into you. sorry to be blunt but you hardly know him and from what you have said he is just giving your courtesy responses rather than ignoring you. quit texting him, guys dont like to be chased they like to do the chasing. hes keeping his options open and you should too! hes not the only guy out there - best of luck i know the dating scene is a minefield but be cool and positive
Might've known the horrendous, disempowering 'he's not that into you' would be trotted out sooner or later . It's bollocks to say men like to chase/ if they're not chasing you/constantly texting you then they're not interested, the constant texting/contact is actually far more the sign of a borderline stalker! Confident, nice, well adjusted men are quite happy to be chased, and indeed often appreciate not having to do all the running.
There is no rule here. No magic formula, other than you need to be on the same page. If you need/expect constant contact and aren't interested in anyone who isn't operating on that level, then you need to look for someone who is.
If there is inconsistency, ie the people who are all text/text/text at the start, and then back right off, then you should rightly pull them up on that. But it's unfair to criticise someone who isn't much interested in electronic communication. There's nothing inherently wrong in that.
He's a virtual stranger at this stage. Why are you so caught up in texting? The dates where you meet each other are what count. We need an old bag emoticon for me I fear
he could be dyslexic or have trouble writing/reading?
It's not disempowering to point out that someone is clearly not interested and that the OP should move on. Far more disempowering to urge her to spend money on beauty treatments, lose weight, suck cock, follow 'rules' in order to make this man want her. After only a couple of dates, it's fine just to drop someone and look for someone else, and if you are not getting much enthusiasm from the other person it's better to walk away than wear yourself out trying to 'make' him want you.
You can't say he's not interested simply because he isn't texting her constantly! It's far more of a red flag at this stage if someone was in constant contact, that's often how abusers operate.
It is disempowering. It encourages women to sit back, be passive and basically wait for a man who is going to chase after them to the nth degree, and I fail to see anything good in that.
He is enjoying your company whilst waiting for the bigger, better deal.
Don't waste your time.
He's just trying to keep his options wide open by the sounds of it.
Probably not that interested but not uninterested enough to rule you out.
I wouldn't bother though, you can meet nicer blokes than that, who you're more compatible with/make you feel like they are interested
I agree VelvetSpoon.
I read The Rules and He's Just Not That Into You (you know, in the name of... ahem... research) and came to the conclusion that if women were to act as advised in these books, then they would only ever end up in relationships with men that were prepared to aggressively pursue them despite their repeated shows of disinterest.
In other words they would end up with a potential stalker. A man that continues to chase after women who seemingly aren't very interested in him. Do other women find that attractive? I don't.
And anyway, who wants to be with a man who is scared off by a woman taking a bit of initiative? That's the kind of man who probably only likes sex in the missionary position
There isn't anything wrong with keeping your options open after two dates. In fact, people who decide that they are In A Relationship after only two dates are either abusers or utterly desperate. However, if someone's making you feel uneasy, insecure and you are desperately overanalysing every look, word, text and bellyrumble then it's Not Working and best to dump and move on.
Why the big hang up about it OP? You're hardly exclusive at this point, are you?
Chill out about it, take the dates as and when you or he want to organise them but look about elsewhere too and dont get hung up on this one. He's very likely doing the same himself.
Not everyone uses text messages for back and forth conversations, he might just not know that's what you expect.
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