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How do you move on with partner after an act of infedilty?

(96 Posts)
eatssleepsfeeds Wed 24-Apr-13 17:15:05

Which is how I see it.

Some of you may remember me as the silly fool who, after her DH went and paid for 2 private, fully naked lapdances while out one Fri night with another colleague, took the decision to shag her arse of a husband to the death. Probably in a bid to show him that I could do that plus, after reading up about it, was certainly undergoing hysterical bonding.

Just for detail, Iater found out that these private dances lasted for well over one hour and a half and were in the privacy of a booth.

It cost him near on £500 for the 'pleasure'.

I cannot discuss that element any more as it just sickens me so much it is destroying my health. Please don't ask me for further details.

Right now, I can't bear to look at him like that. We are not making love.

He is nothing but apologetic. Says all the right things. I know he means them.

But I cannot look at him in the same way anymore. I feel like he's betrayed me so very badly and, rightly or wrongly, I feel as bad as if it was a short affair.

I feel horribly sad now. Just sad. I have little hatred left to throw at him.

My life feels like it left my stomach some time ago.

I don't really want feedback about how I should LTB. I want to somehow get back to where we were.

But I'm finding it awfully difficult.

This only happened 3 weeks ago.

Can time heal?


AnyFucker Wed 24-Apr-13 17:19:27

No, I don't think so, not in your situation

I will keep my reply that brief as you say you don't want any of the gory details referred to again

If anything is going to help, it's time. But I reckon you know already that you just don't trust him anymore, and it probably won't come back.

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 24-Apr-13 17:24:51

No. Time heals some things, but it'll never heal this. He'll always have chosen to do it, and you'll always remember it, and it's changed things.

You sound utterly miserable. You don't deserve that. How is it fair that he makes the colossal error, and you suffer for it?

dontyouwantmebaby Wed 24-Apr-13 17:25:49

time is a healer for some things, yes.

but for THIS, I seriously doubt it.

eatssleepsfeeds Wed 24-Apr-13 17:27:08

Well that's it then.

I'm fucked.

Mama1980 Wed 24-Apr-13 17:29:08

I'm afraid I agree with the others. Time can heal but in this instance, i don't think its possible. Personally I could never move on from this.

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 24-Apr-13 17:33:28

Have you seen your doctor? They may be able to help with physical things.

I'd also get a decent counsellor for you, so you can talk through what he's done. I know you don't feel you want too, but you are either going to have to get the confidence to leave, or process it so that it loses it's hold, and to a certain extent forgive it, so you can move on. Relate etc can be okay, but I'd go for someone really good, because you need results quickly. Make him pay, because this is his fault.

You might numb to it, over time, so that it doesn't bother you so much anymore. But with that comes emotional distance, and you'll become people who live in the same house and might sleep in the same bed, but with no passion or love. That's why I wouldn't rely on time, here: you can't expect time to numb the bad without the good being numbed, too.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 24-Apr-13 17:33:54

You can't go back to where you were because you can't 'unremember' something that serious. You can't bear to look at him because his behaviour disgusted you. Doesn't matter how sorry someone claims to be, if they've crossed a line, you will never look at them with anything other than contempt.

The only glimmer of hope I could offer would be to send him away to cool his heels for a while. Give yourself time to really think and weigh things up without him being in your face all the time. Some people find a period of reflection - weeks rather than days - helps them make their mind up what to do next.

AuntieStella Wed 24-Apr-13 17:34:00

You won't get back to where you were. Ever. But you might get to a new place where you can be happy again.

No, you don't have to leave him. But you do need to bottom out completely why he did this. How did he give himself permission to do something so very utterly wrong. For only then can you decide if it was one terrible mistake, or if it is a fundamental weakness in character.

And then it takes time. It takes him fully accepting the role of healer, and doing it for a long as it takes (and this might mean years). He has to be a totally open book to you.

Hysterical bonding isn't an indicator one way or the other of a successful reunion. It doesn't matter that it's worn off.

If you have made a decision to attempt reconciliation, then are you doing your bit. It's his role and responsibility to be the healer. But are you committed to making the effort too. Do you go out together? When was the last time you actually enjoyed each other's company?

(PS: I spotted my DYAC in time, the keyboard was going to change it to "Do you grout together?". Wich might also be a question worth asking - do you function well together as a domestic team?)

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 24-Apr-13 17:36:35

Are you doing your bit???? hmm

eatssleepsfeeds Wed 24-Apr-13 17:37:53

It's just so horribly sad.

He has, and has always been an extremely loving husband and a fantastic father.

I could not fault him an any other single reapect.

I hate the idea of throwing it away.

Doha Wed 24-Apr-13 17:38:31

Agree with all the above posters.
Time is a great healer but in this occasion l cannot see any healing or recovering from the situation.

Of course he is nothing but apologetic--but only because he has to be, he would not have admitted this act would he?
For well over an hour he was engaged in an "act" using family money and was obviously not giving any thought or consideration to you or your DC's.
He is an asrewipe.
Basically HE is fucked.. He chose to do it, he has to live with the consequences

Doha Wed 24-Apr-13 17:39:46

You are not throwing everything away eatsleepfeeds. He has managed to do that all by himself.

Mama1980 Wed 24-Apr-13 17:42:41

A loving husband and fantastic father would not have done this. You are not throwing anything away, he has. I am so sorry.

AuntieStella Wed 24-Apr-13 17:52:16

"Are you doing your bit???? "

Yes, because if you have decided to reconcile, it is your action too, not something that is done to or for you. Having made that decision, you really have to live it. His is the greater responsibility as healer, but it takes the efforts of both you mend.

If this idea makes OP recoil, then perhaps that's a message about whether she really is up for reconciliation and all that entails.

Doha Wed 24-Apr-13 17:53:40

Wow AuntieStella that's about the biggest pile of shite that l have ever read of MN.

Badvoc Wed 24-Apr-13 17:57:09

You haven't thrown anything away op.
He has.
I know it's not what you want to hear, but there is no way back to "how it was" and evidently things were never like that anyway, at least not for him.
I am sorry.

AnyFucker Wed 24-Apr-13 18:01:22

Stella what precisely would "doing her bit" consist of ?

Planning cosy tete-a-tetes with the man that used 500 quid of family money to buy sexual services ? Nights out a deux ? Rewarding him with child free weekends away ? Swallowing her disgust and giving him more blow jobs ? (she tried that and more, it nearly gave her a breakdown, I remember the thread she posted right after it)

Terrible advice because it implies there is something she could do to "improve" her relationship with this man, when there was fuck-all wrong with the relationship in the first place. Changing herself will not alter the fact that this so-called family man has used other women to satisfy himself sexually and all the selfish misogyny that confers onto him (despite him being such a lovely fella "otherwise")

Badvoc Wed 24-Apr-13 18:03:55

Stella...fuck me, I've seen some dubious advice in MN before but that's a ruddy corker! angry
I would be more concerned that her partner was "dong his bit" I.e. not paying young women to show him their labia.

Sidge Wed 24-Apr-13 18:09:19

I couldn't get past infidelity and it led to the breakdown of my marriage.

To me, fidelity, trust, openness and honesty are fundamental to a relationship. Once that has gone there is nothing left.

I couldn't live with the anxiety, distrust, fear, and loss of self-worth. All I felt for him was disgust and disrespect. That's no basis for marriage.

AuntieStella Wed 24-Apr-13 18:14:14

Please don't make assumptions.

No, I don't think she should be planning cosy tete a tetes. Nor restarting sexual contact before healing has reached at stage. Indeed I think the healer should be the one making all the running, should be taking the initiative, should be highly sensitive to the injured party's needs, and needs to redouble efforts in the backwards part of 'one step forwards, two steps back' that tends to happen on an attempted reconciliation.

Because how does one reconcile without both parties making the effort? If OP is making this decision, it is her reconciliation too. The forwards part of 'one step forwards, two steps back' won't happen if she isn't willing to move towards him at all. This of course requires immense strength from the injured party.

Which is why I asked if they do things together, and whether it is ever possible to enjoy being in each others company. For its baby steps, over and over again, which make a reconciliation. But, again as I said, if the thought of even the titchiest, tiniest baby step or positivity towards reconciliation is repellant to OP, then it's not going to progress.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 24-Apr-13 18:29:06

I remember your thread sad

He chose to throw away his relationship and family for meaningless sexual services from a random dancer.

He chose to spend FAMILY money on sexual kicks. £500 is a lot of money to me - what on earth was he buying to have spent that much??!

He chose to lie about it.

He thinks women are there for his sexual satisfaction, does not give a shit that they are real people with feelings, thoughts and real lives and that they are probably vulnerable/trafficked.

There is NO way I could live with someone like this and this is coming from someone who has taken her DH back after an affair.

You must feel sick and disgusted sad The longer you live with him, the more fucked up you will be because you will be having to tie yourself in knots trying to reason with yourself in order to live with the fact that you have a shitty, lying, sexist, woman hating man for a partner.

Don't say he's a great father - good fathers do not treat the mother of their DC like this...

TurnipCake Wed 24-Apr-13 18:31:27

I turned a blind eye to my cheating ex and tried to 'make it work'. I ended up so ill from it, I had to take a week off work.

Can't say anything other than I feel for you OP, what a miserable existence.

eatssleepsfeeds Wed 24-Apr-13 18:35:21

To be fair, I have already said that I didn't want to end the relationship so advice about how I can help myself going forward would be incredibly useful.

Anyfucker is spot on, as per. There was 'fuck all wrong' with the relationship.

He would agree with that.

I would agree with that.

I think that's why it has hit me so hard. I could NOT have seen this coming.

LadyMountbatten Wed 24-Apr-13 18:36:41

Hi again.
How did you find out the duration of it?

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 24-Apr-13 18:39:18

Sorry that this isn't what you want to hear - this is far worse than having an affair, as buying women's bodies tells you everything you need to know about this man's mind, thoughts, beliefs and feelings.

Have you had STD tests yet?

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 24-Apr-13 18:42:46

Although I can advise on how one can move on from an affair, there is no advice I can offer about how to go forward from this terrible betrayal sad

This man has sick views of women and sexuality and he needs to get individual counselling to get himself sorted.

2anddone Wed 24-Apr-13 18:48:07

'd'h slept with someone just before we got married and I found out 3 months later. We tried to work through it. We had no sex for about 18 months I couldn't face it. We almost got back to where we were. We had dd 2 years later and when she was 2 he cheated again. Again we tried to work through it. I have never forgiven him I will never forget and 7 years after our wedding he has just walked out on me and 2 dc. He says there is nobody else of course I don't believe him. In answer to your question yes you can stay together but you will probably never trust him again, or forgive, or forget. I am sorry sad x

StuffezLaYoni Wed 24-Apr-13 18:48:39

I just don't know how you can get past it...
If you didn't see it coming before, how could you see it coming again?
Good luck to you.x

eatssleepsfeeds Wed 24-Apr-13 18:48:59

He buckled under pressure when I demanded to see his bank statements. He could not have fobbed me off with any more shit about dances lasting mere minutes with the monetary evidence staring me in the face.

No, I have told him to get me evidence of clean bill of sexual health but not yet done it. I will have caught anything from him now as, like the idiot that I am , I have had unprotected sex with him.

I still need to know where I stand on that, for obvious reasons.

I have told him to find this thread and read it on his way home on the train.

Do feel free to direct comments to him.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 24-Apr-13 18:53:13

He is a selfish wanker for having sex with you, knowing full well he was risking passing on STDs to you angry

Did he use condoms?

The fact that he is taking his time in getting tested for STDs show he is not taking you seriously. He is not really sorry isn't it - so easy to say sorry but not to take full responsibility for his selfish entitled actions.

Actions speak louder than words.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 24-Apr-13 18:53:40

*isn't he

Doha Wed 24-Apr-13 18:59:21

Mr eatslsleepfeeds aka Arsewipe
I hope your wife comes to her senses and kicks your cheating arse out the door.
How can you look at yourself in the mirror knowing what you have done to your wife and family. You just didn't think about them at all when you were spending £500 getting your rocks off in that sleezy place.
You bought a woman's body for sexual gratification and thought you had got away with it. Well no shit Sherlock-you were caught.
I hope you are proud of yourself putting the health of the mother of your DC's at risk? What a fantastic father and role model you are too them hmm.
They and your wife deserve better.
If she was my daughter l would be encouraging her to get as far away from you as possible.
Frankly you disgust me

dontyouwantmebaby Wed 24-Apr-13 18:59:24

there may have been 'fuck all wrong' with the relationship, you're both agreed on that. however, do bear in mind that this is not the man you thought he was even when you thought it was all okay. it does hit incredibly hard when you could not have seen it coming & I feel for you.

time won't heal what has happened re the infidelity but it MAY change how YOU feel about him/your relationship. At this precise moment you don't want to end the relationship.

So advice to help yourself going forward would be to try your best to understand that there is NOT going to be any 'going back to how it was'; engineering some space from him for a while would help you achieve this (suggested by someone earlier in thread). it will be easier for you when you are not trying to get it back to how it used to be, I have tried that and failed miserably. Wasted years trying too.

AuntieStella Wed 24-Apr-13 19:02:04

He'll be reading this?

Message to him: get this book. Read it cover to cover at least twice., then put it into action. Thank every deity that you still have a DW ready to give you a chance that you do not deserve.

Do you have that book already, BTW? because it is frequently recommended on relevant sites on the Internet. And you have made healing and mending your top priority, haven't you? Putting your time and effort into reading, thinking, counselling and taking your first steps to changing?

dontyouwantmebaby Wed 24-Apr-13 19:02:25

oh dear, I have just seen your post OP about asking him to read this thread. I don't think that's wise. The advice given is to help YOU. Not give him any ammunition. sad

eatssleepsfeeds Wed 24-Apr-13 19:32:20

I want to move on.

I cannot feel like this indefinitely.

He read the thread I posted very shortly after this happened and I did feel it brought it home to him what other complete bystanders' reactions were to what he did.

Because this is a very odd type of betrayal, I feel. Some people can be quite flippant about it and not realise how heartbreaking it is.

You know, endless amount of booze, peer pressure. There are ways to excuse this.

It's not quite in the same catagory as an outright affair.

Truth be told, I think I wouldn't feel so harshly about it if wasn't my husband doing it. I'd even read threads on here mere weeks before this happened to me and had thought privately, 'it'll be ok - just forget about it'.

It's not the same when it's your own 'D'H.

In real life, I've had sympathy but the clear message is that it was one night of madness. Do not throw your family down the loo because of it.

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 24-Apr-13 19:37:53

Really? And these people in real life know what he did, and don't think it was just a visit to a strip club? I'm shocked.

Has H suggested anything to fix this? Has he done anything? Or is he just sorry?

No, you won't feel this way forever. You'll either feel this way until you get out of this situation, or you'll numb.

eatssleepsfeeds Wed 24-Apr-13 19:46:40

He is going to spend the rest of his life proving to me that I can trust him, that he is not the unfaithful bastard I have him down for.

He could not be more remorseful. He could not say anything more than what he has said.

He has not refuted anything I have had to say on the matter. At all.

He can't turn back time.

He is the perfect cheating husband.

And, right now, I see him as nothing other than that.

TalkativeJim Wed 24-Apr-13 19:55:49

But it doesn't matter what 'category' it can be put in.

What he did has shown you the kind of man he really is. Which is the kind of man that few intelligent, moral, loving, right-thinking women would want to be partnered with.

You can't 'heal' from that.

It isn't about your relationship. It's about you thinking you had a good man as a husband and finding out that sadly you don't. A done deal that nothing can change. Doing something like that isn't a 'mistake'.

So it all depends on whether you want to go forwards having your key relationship be with a man whose core being you despise, working out if you can live with that and the truly awful aspects of it, how much you think living that way might affect your children etc. They'll know you despise their dad.

I'm really sorry. I hope you find a way to be happy with whatever you decide.

eatssleepsfeeds Wed 24-Apr-13 20:00:25


Thank you. This is exactly where my mind is at.

HighJinx Wed 24-Apr-13 20:03:14

I would ask him to move out for a while to give you some time to think.

Whatever you choose to do in the long term, you need to come to terms with what has happened and to grieve for the loss of the marriage you thought you had.

This betrayal has smashed your marriage into a thousand pieces and while you may be able to rebuild something together in the future you need to come to terms with the fact that what you had, however perfect it seemed, is gone.

Your H needs to spend his time focusing on discovering why he thought it was acceptable to act in the way that he did. Until he knows this he cannot possibly consider rebuilding a relationship with you. Being sorry isn't really the point.

eatssleepsfeeds Wed 24-Apr-13 20:11:16

And, I guess, for sake of completeness, while I say that I want to continue the marriage, I understand completely that this is not the end decision.

I am willing to put time in now and see how things go.

Please don't have me down as a downtrodden woman. I am many things but not that.

I will work this out one way or another and I will not have a man ruin my life long term.

Any input re counselling and/or books greatly appreciated. Thanks already to those who have shared thoughts on that.

AnyFucker Wed 24-Apr-13 21:23:26

I don't want to talk to your husband, I want to talk to you

So I, for one, am out

Good luck x

eatssleepsfeeds Wed 24-Apr-13 21:41:54

Fair enough.

Not sure there's much else to say on the matter right now anyway.

A resounding response in favour of what I already knew.

Let's leave it there.

I'll come back after some more time if you'll have me.

Thanks for thoughts, everyone. X

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 24-Apr-13 21:43:53

No further advice from here too, there is nothing I can say that will be what you want to hear sad

Good luck OP and do come back if you feel the need to x

Give yourself time to make decisions. This really JUST happened and you are deciding to stay in the marriage. Why do you have to make that decision now? Is it because the marriage was warm and comfy and the status quo is easier to imagine than the alternative? That marriage no longer exists, if it ever did.

Would you get together with a man who told you he thought it was OK to have prolonged, naked, paid for with household money lap dances? No? Then stay with the feelings a bit longer and allow yourself to think about all your options.

Lastly, you can make a new relationship with the man you now know but you can't get back the old relationship. Do you want this new relationship?

simplesusan Wed 24-Apr-13 22:26:57

I agree about asking him to move out.
It may only be for a week or two but you need that space to think.

You cannot make rational decisions with him in the house.

It is putting you under strain. What is the point in him being there at the moment? You are not intimate, you say you cannot stand the sight of him, so tell him to move out. It will give you breathing space. you may then work things out, or you may decide to end the relationship. Either way, you must make that decision nobody else not even your dh.
Also make sure he takes the kids regularly, you deserve time alone.

TalkativeJim Wed 24-Apr-13 22:38:48

Good luck. Come back when you need to.

Life is long, remember. It's worth some pain to get it right long term. Don't be looking back in 20 years saying, I wish I'd had the guts to do what I knew was the real right decision years ago.

Whatever that decision might be!

And-don't make yourself miserable because you think it's the route to keeping the children happy. That never works.

Ouchmyhead Thu 25-Apr-13 00:03:05

Hi OP, I didn't read your first thread, but I think I've got the gist of what happened. I'm assuming he didn't have sex with these women and it was a naked dance?

If no sex/touching/kissing happened I can understand why you want to get past it and move on. I know a lot of people are saying it's over and kick him out, but if you want to stay with him then that is your decision.

My DP paid about £30 for a dance at his brothers stag, different in the ways that it wasn't a naked dance or private but I did feel betrayed and humiliated, questioned 'wasn't I pretty enough.' That was about 3 years ago, and I never considered ending the relationship. How I got past it was because of him, he proved it to me every day till one day I didn't need him to any more. He'd show me texts and emails, keep in touch when he went out with his friends, was just completely open and honest. There was never any hint of infidelity and gradually I came round to thinking 'he made a mistake, we all make them, he understands how much he hurt me and we do love each other.' Now we are happier than ever, it was a one off mistake and I'm glad I didn't throw everything away.

Now in your circumstances it is different, in terms of the money and how far the dance went (and lasted) but if you really want to make it work I'd say you have to tell him he needs to work at it. He needs to be completely open and honest with you, show you everything you ask for whenever you ask for it, tell him how it made you feel - many times if necessary (I'm the kind of woman that needs to go over and over something, it's not for everyone but it works for me). Go to couples counselling to talk in a different environment, with a professionals opinion. It will be hard, and could take a while for you to be ok with what happened but if you both want this relationship to work then there's no reason it shouldn't. Assuming that he is the type of man that understands how much he fucked up and wouldn't dream of doing it again, only you can be he judge of that as I don't know what he is like. When and if you forgive him completely though, you need to draw a line under it and completely move on. For example I never throw back in my DP's face what he did during arguments, I forgave him and it would be toxic to keep bringing it back up.

Good luck with whatever decision you make. I'm sure you'll come to the right decision for you and your family. You've been given a lot of advice on how to leave him on this thread, so I hope this other perspective has helped and you don't think I'm speaking out of turn.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Apr-13 06:39:35

You help yourself going forward by getting him out of your eyeline. At the moment he is the source of the stress made worse by physically being there. You w ill feel the pressure to act normally. You will feel disgust at your initial reaction. What you need is the space to think reflect and assess calmly. Not some high-pressure obligation to keep the show on the road. Send him away and you may never get back together or you may get to a reconciliation. Either way it will be more satisfactory because it will be your decision.

OP, I think the problem is that as well as it feeling like a massive betrayal it also feels like you've seen a different side to him that you'll never be at peace with.

People's moral compasses are personal & it's up to the two people in the relationship whether or not theirs are similar enough. You obviously thought he wouldn't do something this low & disrespectful (to you & to women in general) & I think that's what's making you wonder if you'll ever be able to get past it. Even if you can get over it there's a strong chance you'll never feel the same way about this man or respect him.

Oh and yes, he's sorry now. But if he was that sorry he'd have told you & been honest with the length of the acts etc. He did it because he wanted to & has no problem using women's bodies for sexual gratification. He had a good idea of how you'd feel about it so instead of not doing it he just did it and tried to hide it. I think you need to ask yourself if you can ever really be at peace with this?

And agree with cogito...A bit of space can work wonders & take a lot of pressure off you.

He's already said he's 'sorry'. He doesn't need to say anything else until you've let this sink in & had a good think about it, without any pressure. There's no rush to 'get over it' (though you may never by the sounds of it...not that anyone on here would blame you. Such a disgusting thing to do, urgh).

Hope you're ok besides this.

AThingInYourLife Thu 25-Apr-13 07:40:55

£500 on an our long lap dance in a private room? hmm

My. Fat. Arse

Also - he'll spend the rest of his life making it up to you, but he has had weeks to organise the only thing you've asked for (an STD test) and he hasn't done it?

Talk is cheap. And in his case untruthful.

"It's not quite in the same catagory as an outright affair."

No, it's in the far worse category of a man who thinks women are produce.

One night of madness?

The first time he buys a woman he spends £500 to bring her into a private room for an hour?

And she just "danced"? hmm

Agree that if he was that sorry he'd have had the STI check you asked for... before having sex with you.

I wouldn't believe his 'sorry' either OP.

CajaDeLaMemoria Thu 25-Apr-13 08:49:47

£500 for two naked lap dances did seem suspect to me, too: there was definitely something extra to make the cost that high. Fair enough it lasted an hour, but even then, the cost is extraordinary.

Hopefully the OP has seen something that proves that it was just two lap dances, though. It would be incredibly brass of her husband to be lying still, although I suppose words are cheap, and if he's saying all the right things, it's believable that it's an act he's read somewhere. After all, if he'd felt all the right things, he wouldn't have done it.

OP, don't be afraid to ask him to do more. He should be physically hoping you too. And if he blamed alcohol, I'd be expecting him not to have touched a drop since, or be planningttoo again

I hope your okay today.

eatssleepsfeeds Thu 25-Apr-13 09:09:08

Thank you all for responses.

I have done my research and asked around a fair bit. I have it on very good authority from my friend's husband who has been to the very place he went to, he will not have done anything more than just sit and watch. Apparently it is a very 'classy' place.

Fucking yuk.

To be honest though, that is beside the point. What he claims he did is enough to make me feel like this.

Please let's not focus on the gory details as it is really pulling me down to a place I don't want to go.

Re having my own space, that is all I have. He's out to work incredibly early and comes home fairly late. He's not in my face. He is respecting keeping his distance.

I know this can't be fixed overnight. Guess I was just looking for words of hope that, over time, the pain subsides.

Someone mentioned way up on the thread about seeing the doctor to help re feeling physically ill over this. I really don't think I want to go down the antidepressant route. How will adding chemicals to my brain erase what he did? Besides which, I'm still breastfeeding my baby. God knows what she's actually extracting from me nutritionally though. I just can't eat.

AuntieStella Thu 25-Apr-13 09:13:51

Yes, the pain does subside.

But when did all this happen? I had thought that it might be a little while ago, and that you had already had the time to process the initial shock and had made a considered decision to reconcile and wanted help with that. I am now wondering if you have indeed reached that place.

AThingInYourLife Thu 25-Apr-13 09:15:26

Jesus, if you're breastfeeding your baby you need to get your own STD test ASAP shock

eatssleepsfeeds Thu 25-Apr-13 09:16:32

4 weeks tomorrow.

During that time, I have been on that very 'emotional rollercoaster' that all the idiots on reality telly go on.

eatssleepsfeeds Thu 25-Apr-13 09:18:00

I had not thought of that.

Now the fucking tears are back.

Oh god, you're still breastfeeding? Didn't realize your DC was so young. That's so sad sad

Will leave the thread as I have nothing helpful to add about getting over it (personally don't see why you should. Sounds like he's not quite who you thought he was).

Good luck thanks

CajaDeLaMemoria Thu 25-Apr-13 09:32:16

Eat the pain will subside, but it won't subside into love, or intimacy, and you don't deserve to be numbed by this.

Seeing your GP might not result in antidepressants. It could be a fast track referral to speak to someone, or meds that will help with sleeping or eating. The doctor will only prescribe ones that are safe for breastfeeding women.

They could also sort out STI tests, which sound like they need to be done very quickly sad

eatssleepsfeeds Thu 25-Apr-13 09:36:16

Going to the clinic this morning.

LookingForwardToMarch Thu 25-Apr-13 09:36:16

Seriously? You believe the other guy who visits strip clubs and take his word that your chap only looked? For £500?!

Sorry but guys tend to stick together with stuff like this. You really think that man would admit that the place they went to is seedy infront of someone who could tell his own wife?

I would go there myself with a friend, act interested and ask what the price list is.

No advice about how to stay in this relationship other than time will not heal.

And for the love of god get down that std clinic today, your baby could be at risk of catching god knows what from your 'husband'

LookingForwardToMarch Thu 25-Apr-13 09:37:20

Sorry x post its great your going to the clinic. I hope it turns out you have nothing.

AThingInYourLife Thu 25-Apr-13 10:02:20

It's probably fine and nothing to worry about

But you can't wait for Mr Sorry to take his own sweet time getting around to doing the one thing you asked of him.

It's too important, you need to make sure you get checked quickly.

MooMooSkit Thu 25-Apr-13 10:03:52

I have read all this thread, good that you are going to the clinic, hope it turns out your all ok.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 25-Apr-13 10:15:56

Hope the clinic visit goes well - he should be going as well angry given how you are still b/feeding his baby. His "sorry" must mean nothing given his lack of action.

So called "classy" places are not supposed to provide naked dances hmm. A friend's husband will not tell you the truth about this supposedly classy place. The mind boggles at the thought of a naked lapdance lasting at least an hour...blimey the dancer must be superhuman hmm I asked a friend about the £500 - the answer was that given you can hire an escort for a whole night for that amount, £500 is an extraordinary amount of money for a lapdance.

I know you do not want to dwell too much on this, but you really need to know the full picture before making any long term decisions. You need to know what you are being asked to forgive.

Charbon Thu 25-Apr-13 10:38:48

I was on your original thread OP and I think I told you that in lots of clubs, sex is negotiated at the end of a dancer's shift and off the premises. However in some clubs, it happens in private rooms on site. £500 sounds more like sex than dances I'm afraid. Reassurance from another punter is no reassurance at all. He would say that, wouldn't he?

What's this man's relationship history and how did you meet?

eatssleepsfeeds Thu 25-Apr-13 10:50:52

Look, I don't need the agressive stance re what happened.

It is not helping me while I sit here in this fucking waiting room with 2 small children, speculating about the possibilities.

Of course it is possible he went further.

But I don't think he did.

And this is what I'm working on.

Sorry to sound cross. But I am.

I have done my research and I believe I have the truth for what it is worth. Believe me, I have done a number of checks. And this friend's husband who I have spoken to at length with does not go there personally. He has quite a few acquaintances who have. He has nothing to hide from me or his wife. He doesn't even know my husband and wouldn't give a monkey's if we split up.

lemonstartree Thu 25-Apr-13 10:52:00

why would he need an STI check if he looked fully clothed at a woman , no matter what she was doing ? If he did not touch her, with any part of his body he cannot catch an STI ?

navada Thu 25-Apr-13 10:57:16

I couldn't forgive that I'm sorry. It's just too sleezy & disgusting for me & I'd literally hate him. I'd rather my dh have an affair with Beryl from accounts, I could forgive that.

eatssleepsfeeds Thu 25-Apr-13 11:00:59

Because there is always room for doubt even though I feel confident I have the truth.

I am only here so I can continue breastfeeding without that certain percentage doubt in my mind that there is more to this.

My daughter's health is too important to me to be stubborn on the matter.

He could've saved you the trouble by going himself though. Too late now but still, that was the one thing you asked of him in all this & it didn't happen. Did he say why he didn't go?

AuntieStella Thu 25-Apr-13 11:04:42

STI check is necessary if OP does not fully believe her H's account. Only OP can know this.

And if she doesn't believe him, then she is not ready to decide on a path of reconciliation (which requires commitment from both spouses to work on rebuilding the marriage), but instead needs to find an arrangement under which she can have the time and space to make a proper decision.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 25-Apr-13 11:04:53

You do sound wise and sensible to put DD first.

The reason why we are questioning what really happened is because you are asking us how do you move on with partner after an act of infidelity....unless you know the full truth, there is no way you both can move on by creating a new relationship that has trust and honesty.

NotConnie Thu 25-Apr-13 11:17:22

OP, please don't be cross with posters here. It's essential that you get the full truth about what happened, because as MadAbout said, neither of you can move on from this until that happens. I posted earlier about a possible infidelity by my exH that happened over 20 years ago, and I never got the full truth. You never get past it until you know exactly what you're dealing with.

CajaDeLaMemoria Thu 25-Apr-13 11:17:37

I was trying to stop you from being hurt again. Can you imagine the hurt if you really fight to rebuild this, and then find out in a few years what really happened? You deserve the truth, and £500 doesn't add up.

I can see that you don't want that, though. I'm sorry. I'll bow out, and I wish you all the best.

racingheart Thu 25-Apr-13 11:25:27

op, I haven't read all your replies, but do know several couples who have put infidelity behind them and gone on to have incredibly long and happy marriages in which trust was rebuilt. Of the ones I know, the key onus here is on the part of the cheater. He (was usually a he - not always) has to feel 100% remorse and 100% sure he will never put his marriage or his family in that sort of jeopardy again.

You can only know that by talking with him. He needs to have really practical solutions in place so that he is never tempted or worse - expected to go to one of those clubs again as part of a business arrangement.

If he is very open about rebuilding your trust and does what you need in order to feel loved and cherished again, then in time, I think you'll be OK. The other key thing is to forgive, genuinely. To be able to say: he made a mistake. People do. I've made mistakes too - different ones, but ones that impacted on him. I forgive him. It's in the past.

I really REALLY loathe the posts that assume that because of one mistake, someone should be shunned forever, and lives ruined. Yes, if he's a lying cheating creep who doesn't respect you and never has, of course you'd want to get out, but if he's a loving man who was stupid and wants more than anything to stay with you - why not forgive and move on? No one is perfect.

We can't go through life hoiking our pants up at the people around us not being perfect. I always suspect the serial LTB posters get a vicarious thrill from the miserable drama of others. What he did was vile, but it doesn't mean he's devilspawn, or that he'll do it again.

It's up to you and him. He needs to do what it takes to regain your trust and make you feel adored. You need to work out how to forgive him and trust that this is in the past for good.

DrinkFeckArseGirls Thu 25-Apr-13 12:03:22

Erm, sorry OP but I can promise you £500 is a full shag, maybe including extras. Dance is £50 if not less.

DrinkFeckArseGirls Thu 25-Apr-13 12:19:01

I'm sorry, it sounded arsey, it wasn't meant to be. A friend of mine used to work in similar places over the years and well, from the horses mouth and all.

LookingForwardToMarch Thu 25-Apr-13 12:28:45

Also sorry op. Just from experience (dont ask) I know £500 does not equal an hours lapdance. I dont think you can rely.on the sources you have stated and should check it out yourself.

But as a poster just mentioned I dont think you really want the whole truth. It may be easier to convince yourself that thats as far as it went because then you can work on forgiving him.

But deluding yourself will not fix this and you will always have that doubt in your mind ( why else have the std test?)

That will be what eventually implodes this relationship. If you really want to make it work you need to look at the cold hard truth first.

Peace out

eatssleepsfeeds Thu 25-Apr-13 12:28:47

I will be going to this place at some point and I will find out exactly what goes on.

Perhaps I will squander the same amount of money and see what it is that you can really purchase.

The thought of it is vile and I'm aware that most of you would consider this a bad idea.

CajaDeLaMemoria Thu 25-Apr-13 12:38:48

I was actually going to suggest visiting, so you can see for yourself where he was, and what he did.

I know that you don't want to know, but you need too. Once you are completely aware of what happened, you can try to process it and move on, if that's what you want to do.

I want to believe him, but he didn't even admit it to you: you had to demand to see his statement. And £500 would be crazy money, a dance is usually £30 in lower-class places, and £40-50 in higher. Strippers might be well-off, but they'd be millionaires if they made £500 for a dance!

I hope the clinic wasn't too bad, and that today is as easy as possible for you. I can't believe he's done this while your children are so young sad (or at all, but you know what I mean)

eatssleepsfeeds Thu 25-Apr-13 12:39:30

It wasn't £500 for one 'dance'.

It was £300 for the first one which lasted one hour.

His second one was £180 for a half hour one. With a different woman.

It utterly sickens me to think about it.

And of course, he enjoyed it. Why else would you go back for more?

I am not a total idiot.

He claims he was so drunk he can barely remember it.

That goes nowhere near to softening the blow.

Please no more speculation.

arsenaltilidie Thu 25-Apr-13 12:51:15

Just to clarify, Im not for or against strip clubs, but i have been take to one by my old boss, it just didn't appeal me.
I highly doubt he got anything more than a dance.

If its a 'classy' place then £500 for private dance is probably in the high end of normal.
Generally 'extras' are given to regular/trusted customers because its bad for business for a place to be known as a brothel because No 'self respecting' business man wants to be seen going into a brothel.
The licence would be immediately revoked if caught by the authorities.
And also giving extras will set a bad precedent for other strippers.

What happens for example £120 will get you a 15 mins private dance. After those 15mins are up, if she feels she can get more money from him ie. someone new or naive.. then she'll be extremely nice, make him feel like he is the most wonderful man in the world. She'll then offer another dance and the cycle begins again. In between they will order another bottle of champagne or even food.
Most strippers have the skill of manipulation to a fine art.

Private dances are an extreme form of dry humping.

To answer your questions of course you can get over anything, no one has power over you.
However you have to ask yourself, deep deep down do you want to get over it. Then everything should be clear on how to proceed.

AThingInYourLife Thu 25-Apr-13 12:56:03

"He claims he was so drunk he can barely remember it.

That goes nowhere near to softening the blow."

Because it's an obvious and self-serving lie.

The mind boggles at the thought of an hour long lap dance.

An hour of prick teasing with no relief, followed by another half our of the same?


porkypine2 Thu 25-Apr-13 14:03:28

Firstly can everyone give the OP a break, rather than speculating about the details of what did and didn't go on. She has come here for help about how to get over it and has expressly asked for people not to delve into the gory details. You may be trying to help, but you are not respecting the OP and what she needs right now is respect and help.

OP - I have been in your position and eight months on I am still with my husband and our relationship is OK. Not amazing but OK. A complication for me was that my husband was severely depressed at the time and the revelations about his private dancers were a catalyst for him to get treatment. So I have taken the view that the priority was for him to get well. In the time taken for him to get better, the pain and disgust has faded. I have had to grieve for the person I thought I knew, and like any grief this has diminished over time, but not disappeared.

It doesn't sound like your husband is depressed, but the principle of time helping things to fade still applies.
I hope that helps a little.

LookingForwardToMarch Thu 25-Apr-13 14:17:26

Porky did you get checked out for an sti?

My point being that the op has, so obviously she has a feeling that something more than a dance happened which her husband is not admitting to.

Thats not speculation, thats fact. If she really truly honestly believed him why the std check?

I think myself and alot of posters were referring to the fact that unless she feels she knows 100% the whole truth then sge will not be able to move on and work past it.

That doubt in the back of her mind will either make the relationship miserable or doomed to fail.

eatssleepsfeeds Thu 25-Apr-13 15:43:35

This feels like one never ending head-banging-against-wall exercise.

Let's just leave it there, folks.

I think we've talked it to death at this stage.

I've had some good advice.

Thanks too for those who have private messaged me.

Now, I'm just going to have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, try and look after myself a bit better and hopefully see some way through this.

I will post again if there is anything new for me to put to you all.

Many thanks.


HighJinx Thu 25-Apr-13 15:48:58

OP - I hope you are ok. It must be exceptionally difficult for you reading all these opinions of what may or may not have gone on.

Take some time to think about what you want to do from here, preferably away from your husband. It's a huge decision.

Don't let anyone make you feel that you would be a delusional idiot to believe your H has told you everything that went on.

Don't let anyone make you feel that you would be weak to decide to try to rebuild your relationship if that is what you want to do.

Whatever you do is going to be bloody hard and you need to face it with courage and a sense that you are doing the right thing for you and your DC. Don't rush it.

I'm so sorry you are facing this sad

lemonstartree Thu 25-Apr-13 18:09:16

FWIW I'm with racingheart - no one is perfect and if he is really truly sorry, you can and should try to, get over this.

I wish you well x

AnyFucker Thu 25-Apr-13 19:06:11

"should", lemon ? hmm

gertrudestein Thu 25-Apr-13 19:10:50

Nothing useful to add OP but just wanted to give my support to what you're trying to do. I hope it works out for you. This time in a year, you'll be in a much better place, whatever happens.

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