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The train has departed Loserville - Next stop Happy Town.(997 Posts)
Just went to post on my other thread but it's full already!
I'll attempt to link it but I'm on my phone so probably won't work.
Excuse the cheesy title, my brain won't work. Just going to read last few replies on old thread.
LNM, I haven't posted much lately as my connection is poop at the minute.
But here is hoping that when this thread is full you are another step closer to stability and happiness. You have been amazing!! I'll catch up with the last page or so of old thread tonight.
Just noticed that you saw them together!!
But at times he has cried about what a mistake it all is. If you had taken him back, where would they be now?!?
He is such a wank stain.
Shameless page marking. Also you're awesome you know that right?
Oh LNM l just read that you saw the twunt out with OW today.
I now so wish you had sent the text l suggested -albeit jokingly- at the weekend.
Next email he sends call him in his lies!!!
I know woopsidaisy, the lies just keep coming.
Xales, I will mention that I seem them, I won't let him know it bothered me. Maybe just mention she could be doing with having her roots done. Miaow.
Stupid Twatting, Bastard! That's what STBXH stands for, right?
SAF, vent away. Can't beat a good chicken story, sounds like you need wine.
Jax, he was meant to have dd's after school tonight but he cancelled due to work...
I'm just waiting in the spectacular excuses rolling in.
ah so he was supposed to have the children, but is now out with her. nice. Priorities!
I know it wont seem like it just now, but you are well rid. What a sad, selfish, person he is. How he ever ended up with someone like you is a miracle for him.
I don't think these types if shocks ever really go away, you'll just get better at not letting them consume you and move on quicker.
Even after 3 years apart, when I found out my ex had remarried it smarted a bit. She's welcome to him, but it surprised me it still tickled
Hold your head high, karma has a great knack of making sure people like him get what they wish for
Well, you know now that he is still quite happy to cancel seeing DDs when it no longer suits him.
What kind of man would do this? How does he sign that one off on his conscience at night?
Being well rid and realising you are so much better off without someone, would I think not change the fact that you would miss the good times you used to have? But I'm just guessing at that.
Yes that's true. I left my exH 4 years for many reasons I won't go into here. On Christmas Eve he told me his partner was pregnant. I came inside and cried my heart out. DP was quite surprised - but not as surprised as me!! The baby was born last week and more years were shed!! Strange but true! I couldn't bear the thought of going anywhere near him!
I just can't get my head round the fact that a matter of weeks ago he was a kind loving dad and husband. What's changed? I haven't, maybe that's it. Boredom, fancied a change, God only knows. I keep wracking my brains for things I could have done but can't find anything.
I was sure he would pick dd's up tonight, they were interrogating me when I picked them. I just told them he was working which I was led to believe in the first place.
YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG! He's the arsehole that is 100% wrong not you in anyway shape or form.
They'll never last once a cheat always a cheat.
Nice priorities he's got with his kids
LNM, its more than him seeing his dickhead mates, having their cake, he thought he'd get away with it too, and when he knows you've seen him and miss loss knickers together, hes gonna shit himself, because he probably thinks your slowly cracking ready to welcome him home.
Hes a dickhead pure and simple, and how he managed to pull such, sweet, intelligent, genuine woman as you i'll never know.
Just think of singing this Mariah Carey song to him
By the time you get this message
It's gonna be too late
So don't bother paging me
'Cause I'll be on my way
See I grabbed all my diamonds and clothes
Just ask your momma she knows
You're gonna miss me baby
Hate to say, "I told you so"
Well at first I didn't know
But now it's clear to me
You would cheat with all your freaks
And lie compulsively
So I packed up my Louis Vuitton
Jumped in your ride and took off
You'll never ever find a girl
Who loves you more than me
I gotta shake it off
'Cause the loving ain't the same
And you keep on playing games
Like you know I'm here to stay
He's punishing you via them for exposing his infidelity and deceit to the world.
He's utterly pathetic and despicable
LNM - what a shock. I think it goes to prove that he's really not what you thought he was a few weeks ago. Sad to have to realise it though.
Keep going, I'm lucky not to have been in your situation but would like to act with your dignity if ever I was. Take care.
If he hadn't sent that text to you by mistake 3 weeks ago, you wouldn't be any the wiser and he would still be seeing her and cheating on you.
So although you consider that he was a kind loving dad and husband, he really wasn't.
He gave a good impression and pretended that he was putting you and the girls first but in reality he was fitting you in around his own activities. It was all a charade.
Now he is pretending to her that he wants to be with her when infact he is begging you to have him back. He hasn't really learned anything from all of this, which is perhaps the saddest thing of all.
You, on the other hand, are doing great. Seeing them together is another 'first' and that is behind you now.
Fairenuff is a very wise lady
marking my spot LNM. Hope all is going well with you... sorry that you had the shock of seeing them together... what a spineless twunt he is
It is shit that he is behaving this way. fairenuff has it spot on.
There is nothing that you could or should have done differently, this isnt about you lovely LNM, its ALL about him. Have you heard from his sister or his parents at all?
sorry for dcs, stange how we find out their lies by them tripping themselves up isn't it. Why can't people just be honest?xx
Marking my place, great new thread title LNM!
So sorry you've had the shock of seeing your ex, and that he's been a twunt to your DDs.
Stay strong, you bloody rule, woman!
I just finished catching up and the other thread was full!
I'm so sorry you have had to see them out and about
I downloaded CC yesterday because of this thread and I'm stuck on 16
anyone know how esme is? I'm waiting for skipping to start?
I've not heard from sil or his parents. Well apart from sil asking me why I had deleted her from FB, which I hadn't, I deactivated. His parents are going abroad for 3 months so probably busy preparing for that. Or that's what I keep telling myself. It's like I've lost a whole family actually and I'm the one in the wrong.
Was wondering about LittleEsme, hope she's ok.
The worst of it has to be over now, surely?
Wrt stbx it seems like they have come out on top, he takes the booby prize ( would laugh if it wasn't so effing tragic ) shirks his responsibility, and pleases himself...but the foundation of all of it is shit.
It will not stand.
Not their union, or happiness or credibility.
If only one could step back a bit and view the bigger picture, what we would see ahead, for you and your dear girls...happiness, joy, success, unity, clarity, love, respect, all on a firm foundation, a good, honest, foundation.
However others treat you, that's their stuff...to thine self be true.
As you are.
Shameless marking of place. Really admire how you have handled everything.
His family may be waiting for his say so on how to behave.
I doubt they are taking it lightly.
Maybe you have a think about how to continue with them?
Unless they are abnormal they must be interested in the girls at least.
I exchanged a brief text with mil last week. I sent some flowers and chocolates for her birthday, she text to say thank you and she hoped to see us before she leaves but that was me initiating the contact. I know I'm a nightmare for distancing myself from things and avoiding people when I feel I just want to be in my own, so I'm probably partly to blame for that.
Am knackered so heading off to bed now. Good luck tomorrow lnm - will be thinking of you
Sounds like the ball is in her court then?
True, she may be busy...but you think she would make an effort considering...
Maybe drop her a further text offering a possible date to see children?
Though if you are not feeling it, don't.
LoserNoMore I've just read all your threads and wanted to say I think you're fucking awesome.
I'm you, a year down the line. I have 3 girls, my STBXH was having an affair with a woman who worked for him (what a bloody cliché eh?)
I found out April last year, he asked to stay and work it out, I reluctantly agreed, we had counselling and all that crap and then I found out in July he was still seeing her - he had her in his phone under a fake bloke's name. I kicked him out in July.
We are in the process of getting divorced, it still hurts like hell sometimes, I find it hard that the man I loved for so long, was married to for 15 years, is a stranger to me. I didn't know him at all.
BUT - I am far happier than I was a year ago, my girls are happier, we are secure, settled, contented and life is sweet.
My ex is still a Grade A twat but he's not really my problem any more
You are amazing.
There's nothing stopping ex taking the dd's to see her and rest of the family. I don't want them not seeing their family. It could easily look like I'm being bitter and twisted and deliberately keeping them away which I'd never do. I know how important family is, I don't have one.
Thanks sidge, it's nice to hear people coming out the other end happier.
Don't feel obliged to compensate for DP's failings or failings of the family. Don't cover...don't chase and don't be the one making their relationship with DDs work. If they want it (relatives not DDs!) they can do it.
If they don't want it ...all you are doing is papering over cracks and your DC will cope better now than later when a sense of rejection is more palpable for them.
I nearly didn't find this Fred.
Quality thread though, she a fuckwit and will know it in time
Marking here too.
I would let it drop into conversation that you saw them and clearly his kids are not a priority.
You're amazing and you're well rid. But give yourself time to grieve - for you and your relationship and the honesty and trust you brought to it.
Imtheonlyone, meant to say thanks. Goodnight.
Thanks to everyone. All your advice is a good help and writing stuff down is helping too. Going to try and get some sleep. My body is knackered but my brain isn't. Goodnight.
Ohhhh new thread!!!! Loving the determination in thread topic x
LNM, family can be odd things. My XH did the dirty on me and not once has XMIL rung me to see how we are getting on I sent her a birthday card, she sent me one. She just said, these things happen, when XH walked out with no prior warning. Like it happens every day! But we were never close so I don't expect anything from her.
If you were close to your MIL then maybe she will want to stay in touch with you no matter what your H says or does. I know of IL's who have cast their son out and stuck by the DIL.
You are doing very well. It's not an easy road but you will get there.
Pehaps your in laws are waiting for a cue from you Lmn? Or are simply not sure how to react. Of course a third theory is that they have only had his (edited) version of events.
My IL's have been fantastic and although they have not cut contact and are polite and couteous to their son have made it perfectly clear that his twuntish behaviour is not going to affect their relationship with me or the kids as they think he's been a fool. I suspect they will not forgive him for this. I have always been close to them ( if not in distance )
I also want to congratulate you for coping so well over only a short time ( I'm a few months ahead of you time wise but a way behind you emotionally ) but take care of yourself, it may hit when you are least expecting it ( though I hope not) you sound strong!
LNM I think you're amazing too
The way you have composed yourself with dignity and grace deserves applauding.
I may be wrong, but I think your pil maybe embarrassed about their sons behaviour, but that's all depending on what version of events he's fed to his parents, and his ds.
Could u contact them directly and arrange concoct or ur dd? Do u have solid relationship with them? Perhaps thy ont know what to say to u?
Another good song ( de lurking )
Your love is a lie
Helped me enormously
Can't seem to link but give it a YouTube
Or if someone else can link it
You are amazing
My brain is knackered but won't let me sleep. Work meeting today
I've just googled Cher Strong Enough because those lyrics are v v good. The tube clip is very 'disco' and made me feel my age so I'm not linking but the lyrics are very relevant
When I was splitting there was a thread of 'songs to break up to'. Someone told me that listening to music would be difficult after I'd split and they were right because they are all about love, loss and hold memories. I used to feel sad or tearful hearing music from our time together. The songs on that thread were all about being strong and moving on. Since I love listening to music it was really good for me ...a sort of mental/emotional boost delivered in music. I still hear them now and they hold positive memories of splitting up (oxymoron)
Just a clip of lyrics as I'm not sleeping
Where did you sleep last night?
And was she worth it, was she worth it?
'Cos I'm strong enough
To live without you
Strong enough and I quit crying
Long enough now I'm strong enough
To know you gotta go
There's no more to say
So save your breath
And then walk away
No matter what I hear you say
I'm strong enough to know you gotta go
So you feel misunderstood
Baby, have I got news for you
On being used, I could write a book
You don't wanna hear about it
I've been losing sleep
You've been going cheap
She ain't worth half of me it's true
Hi LNM hope you managed to switch off & get some decent sleep last night & had no idiotic texts arriving at stupid o'clock. I've followed your threads but not posted much as haven't been is the same situation, my xp was a different kind of twat. You are doing brilliantly & are an inspiration. Hope today goes well & your head is feeling better.
YY, I hope he didn't have the audacity to text or call last night. Maybe the stress of juggling and lying will give him an ulcer and then he won't have to 'work' will he?
He's treating you all with contempt whilst no doubt presenting himself as a broken man. Repulsive.
He didn't know you at all LNM or he didn't believe you.
Hope you got some rest.
Hope Esme is okay too.
Hi LNM, hope you did manage to get to sleep. Love new thread title.
He is one pathetic little loser. I know it's hard, but you are well rid of the dishonest little shit.
hope Esme is ok, and mrs s and hope you got some sleep LNM.
Urge, worst sleep ever. Got the clinic later for check up, what fun.
just caught up. lnm - imo nothing has changed other than you caught him. he was capable of being what he was at home and being off doing that too. i think that must be hard to wrap your head around - for him it was easy to be who he was at home and to be off shagging another woman in secret and presumably he was quite happy with it. all that changed was you finding out.
good luck with your check up - well done for sorting it - best to get these things done and dusted x
Sorry you had a bad night, been tossing and turning a bit lately, things going on!! Hope you get on ok at the clinic. Well done you are still going in the right direction even if you have treacle days when you feel like you are wading in the stuffxx
good luck for today LNM.
Wow. So he really was begging for you back, texting you etc and still stringing this silly bint along?
What Doha said in your last thread springs to mind.. maybe a bit evil, but I would def. do it...
Of course LNM you are far more dignified and great than that. I think of you frequently, in a way similar to those WWJD bracelets, if I find myself on my pity pot- WWLNMD? Best of everything for the check up,
Good luck for the check-up. It must have been awful seeing them but this will help you if you feel sad and start wavering.
When you're ready for some really angry break up songs let me know. I have many
Good luck today, ds1 has and STI check after his first serious gf cheated on him. He said it was ok. I really respected him for going.
lazarusb please share your angry break up songs - even now, a year down the line, I love a good music sesh!
When I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself I put on some nice loud angry 'fuck-you' music and feel so much better.
LNM hope your clinic visit goes OK, it's just soul destroying having to do that - when I went I just cried and cried on the poor nurse who was just wonderful, and said she saw women like me so often
Good luck at the clinic today LNM. X
What is the quote from Samuel Pepys?
"If a man gets a whore pregnant and then marries her, it is like shitting in his hat and then putting it on his head."
I think your dear girls are old enough to be acquainted with the phrase: "Believe it when you see it."
Take care, you are doing great.
That's a brilliant quote Andthebandplayedon!
Hope it's ok at the clinic later x
Just catching up on your new thread LNM. Bloody hell, he really does take the biscuit doesn't he?
Would it be worth sending a quick text to MIL and SIL explaining that you're quite happy for them to see the children and wouldn't want the fact that MrLoser keeps cancelling contact arrangements to affect the children's relationship with the family?
Good luck at the clinic today.
Hope everything's gone okay at the clinic
Thank you, it went ok. 10 days to wait for results though, I was expecting them there and then. Shows how much I know about these things.
I received a very casual email from ex earlier, saying sorry couldn't have the dd's yesterday but work was so busy. I haven't replied.
Response: "I suppose the other woman most be hard work, being pregnant and all, she really does need to get her roots done, though didnt get a clear view as you were driving past when i saw her in your car"
Great response loulybelle, I'll use that one, thanks.
Glad thats over with. are you going to reply a casual 'Yes I saw you both'
or ignore. Its hard when hes messing about the dds though isnt it?
Im in a mardy mood LNM, Hayfever is shit.
Oh WWLMND get out of here! Please don't ever ask for my advice, I'm crap at it!
Inertia, I might send something like that to in laws.
Good quote Andthebandplayedon
Lazarus, your poor d's, it's not a nice thing to have to visit these clinics especially through no fault of your own. Good for him.
I think that's a great response. He needs to realise his kids are more important and that response will tell him you know he fucked them off for her but doesn't make you seem jealous
Or you could just say, "I know you didn't go to work, I saw you out with ow. If you don't want to see your daughters, just say so. You don't have to lie about it".
Fairenuff sounds better or I wouldn't get drawn into the work or not work as he might say he had to work too late to have the girls etc and then you get into row? How about just 'I saw you with OW if you....etc?
i wouldn't go for the bitchy lines - you have nothing to compete with and she isn't your problem. i'd probably just say thought we'd be past the stage of pointless lies by now, i saw you with your girlfriend yesterday. please don't bother lying to me - you don't need to as you're free to do what you want now. would be good if you didn't let your daughters down as much as you have me though so don't make arrangements you don't intend to keep in future.
Survivor by Destinys Child is one kick ass car song. To be sung at full volume
So the skank is "work" is she?
What an utter fuckwit, you can almost pity the fool, but not quite ...
Yeah you're right, haven't replied yet anyway.
probably best to go for "I dont believe you were at work, as i saw you with her yesterday, the girls dont deserve to be let down, make sure if doesnt happen again"
I tried to de-lurk yesterday but the thread was full!
Just wanted to say that I felt sick when I saw you'd seen him with ow. How awful
I've followed your threads and think you're doing amazingly well.
If it were me, I would have to let him know that I knew the 'work was busy' line was total bs. I like some of the suggestions up thread
I remember once someone on here saying something along the lines of, the sex they could almost come to terms with, but the deceit and lies, that was something else altogether......
Stay strong my dear.
I would reply with a mixture of the above suggestions but without the roots comment!
The girls were disappointed you were too busy to see them again. Btw I saw you with your girlfriend at such and such time.
What loulybelle said......
Ok Sidge - Foo Fighters - Erase Replace & Let it Die & Breakout
Nine Inch Nails - Piggy & I do not want this & Ruiner & Terrible lie
There's also a great Metallica song called No Leaf Clover which has the great line 'When it comes to seeing the guiding light at the end of your tunnel, it's just a freight train coming your way' - I think ow is his freight train here. He won't know what has hit him.
So that he can still lie to you so easily LNM. It's cowardly and pathetic. He could at least be honest - obviously thinks you'll change your mind one day or she's the fallback because he knows you won't.
tbh i'm uncomfortable with all the assumptions about the other woman, that she is lying about pregnancy, desperate to have him etc. we really don't know and she may well just be some foolish, lonely woman who did something foolish and awful and getting pregnant takes two and happens as a result of sex rather than some terrible plan on the part of evil woman.
it's a waste of energy and too easy to demonise the 'other' in the picture and detract responsibility from the person whose responsibility it was not to hurt you.
i understand the desire to do it but it's not right. he is the issue.
seriously we REALLY don't know. i read somewhere on here that she is the mother of a young baby already. god knows what her situation is and for all anyone knows she could have PND, she could have special needs, she could be incredibly damaged and be in a right desperate old state. no one on here other than the OP knows anything about her.
lnm's husband however we know to be married, happy enough, a father with a stable family and job etc.
I've been following you from the very first post LNM and am staggered at how brilliantly you've handled the situation. Next time you see him I'd say something like" you know I wasn't sure if I believed your OW was pregnant, but now I've seen her I realise that she must be as she has t done her roots".
I have no sympathy with this ow whatsoever, especially since LNM said that she actually met her at a party in Dec? Is that right?
However, I think swallowedafly is right - he is the issue, and his behaviour now could hardly be any worse.
His text makes out that he is the big busy daddy- I would not be able to refrain from texting back - although I expect he will text, 'oh I was on the way to work/lunchbreak/etc,etc'
I suspect he wasnt working, letting his DD's down is just not on, my ex pulled crap like this concerning maintenance, i told him in no uncertain terms, only person he was letting down was DD, he started paying after that.
swallowed, yes or she could just be a callous selfish cow?
Sorry but having been where LNM is I have to take excuses and reasons with a pinch of salt.
Keep your integrity LNM, don't lower yourself to their level and you will forever feel better for it. A straight " I saw you, you are lying again. Have some respect" will do. Leave him with no dignity as that is the truth of it.
Yes wildthongs, good no nonsense statement.
Yes, keep the integrity, don't add to the mess.
How are you feeling in yourself LNM?
How are girls with it all?
The thing is, for these cheating husbands, they wouldn't know how to tell the truth if their lives depended on it. Deceit is their default setting.
I wouldn't bother with sarky little comments about seeing her, her roots, etc (as tempting as it is!). A simple "yeah I saw you together on Wednesday" (or whatever) is enough.
Sidge, that is true, my ex used to lie, even though he knew, i knew the truth.
thats the thing i never understand. We all know they are lying so why bother? Is it the old thing that they are so insecure they have to make a fantasy life ? I never understood that.
My ex still lies by omission, a year down the line!
We're divorcing, he's living with the OW, I am a million times happier than I was last year and don't really give a shiny shite what he does (beyond how it affects my children) but he STILL manipulates the truth to suit him and attempt to put himself in a better light.
I do believe that these men are just utter fuckwits and you shouldn't believe a word that comes out of their mouths!
Im 4 years down the line from my ex, and i just think, "Your a real prick", i dont love him anymore, and sometimes i wanna smack him when he tells me "Cant have DD, i dont have any money", well boo fucking hoo, im not rolling in it either.
Lowercase, I'm ok. The girls are fine, seem to be taking everything in their stride at the moment. They are very matter of fact about things.
I agree SAF. I've kept my inner bitch under wraps this long, no point unleashing her now. I have no issue with OW, yes I hate what she has been part of but if it wasn't her it would be someone else. I can't go as far to feel any sympathy though regardless of her personal life. We all have struggles in life, there's no excuse for knowingly becoming involved with a married man with children, IMO of course.
Love the new title.
The thing I don't understand... The OW. Not just this one, but all of them. Do they have no self respect? No dignity? I would never ever lower myself to have any kind of relationship with someone else's husband. Why do they do it?
Anyway... Keep your head held high LNM. You should be proud of yourself for handling this so well and for setting your DCs such a fine example.
No definately no excuse. Whats wrong with saying I really like you but when you've got your flat and left your family give me a ring? Mine OW had it done to her 18months before then did it to us? They snogged and he touched her up the first time they met and she knew his family?!!
I am not wasting any of my life giving him the satisfaction of being able to tell her how awful I am they have not one complaint against the way I've behaved and thats so much easier to live with than any amount of bitching. Stay strong LNMxx
Him and her are welcome to each other. No matter whether she has problems or not, getting it on with a married person isnt on, especially when they know/know of the wife/DC. For the person who asked why they do it, I have no idea, but suspect it is an ego boost for them and they class it as 'harmless fun' when it is anything but.
LNM - do send a text, just stating facts, no bitching needed. He has made a big enough eejit of himself, you dont have to help him.
I make no apologies over the use of the word "skank" to describe this particular OW.
She knew she was shagging a husband and father. His dick did not accidentally fall into her vaj.
She had met OP so must be a brazen beatch to even go there.
She was daft enough to get up duffed by another woman's husband.
Second prize is therefore good enough for the skank.
I emailed him back saying '
I hope you don't make a habit of cancelling on the dd's, they miss you and would appreciate and benefit from seeing you. Just for the record I passed you in your car yesterday with her. I don't appreciate being lied to and having to tell the girls you have to work when you quite clearly weren't working. I would hate to think they were bottom of your priorities, they deserve better than that. If you decide to prioritise other people over them then don't make arrangements in the first place. Let me know when you're ready to put a concrete arrangement in place to see them. I accept things can crop up like work, I have no problem with that but lying isn't on when it comes to seeing your girls. The balls in your court, but you cant just pick and choose when you want to see them then drop them like a hot brick.Bye.
Phew and breath!! Its all out there now so well done, he can't misunderstand that, but don't be surprised if he make some excuse about working but just 'popped out to give OW a lift' or something. Hope contact hasn't upset you too much.xx
Great email LNM lets see how he squirms out that one.
Well done LNM, dont let him get away with being a shit to little girls who dont deserve it, bad enough hes doing it to you.
It was longer than I intended! I had to be careful not to rant, it doesn't sound like I'm angry does it?
LNM, It sounds like your an annoyed mother, and we all would be, he needs to know that messing DD's around is just not on and you wont tolerate it.
Brilliant email LNM, just cross enough on behalf of your girls but without losing your cool or making it seem as if you were upset by seeing him with OW. Beautifully judged. Lets hope the stupid bastard wakes up and realises that he is in danger of being an even shitter dad than he was a husband.
Nice work, couldn't have put it better
Sounded like you were cross but only on behalf on your dds, not for yourself at all.x
Annoyed mother I can deal with. I am annoyed. I won't mention the fact it hurts like hell for me as his wife
We know it hurts, LNM, thats just information, he doesnt need, last thing that idiot needs is another ego boost
The last thing I want is to give him the satisfaction of knowing it upset me.
Yes thats what you share among friends who know how pain really feels not a man who would like to have the ego boost of knowing. Have a good cry if you need it?x
Top email lnm - really to the point. Hopefully will make him think long and hard about the kind of father e wants to be.
Big respect also to what you've been through today. Long wait that's annoying! Fingers crossed all will be ok x
De-lurking to pay that you are fantastic, if you were my friend/sister/daughter I would be so bloody proud of how dignified you have been with this, and how you have kept in control of yourself. It really is admirable.
You're email to him was perfect, both in tone and content.
Thanks you, I re wrote that email about a hundred times!
On another note I think I have cystitis, peeing for Scotland all day long.
Sorry just thought I'd share that last bit, I'm not sure why!
Share away LNM, i've been suffering with thrush for 4 MONTHS, its been itchy and depressing as hell, so i know how you feeling.
Thrush, for 4 months?! You poor thing.
Yeah LNM, 3 types of anti biotics, and 5 different creams and just started to clear up, i wont start on the tears on both front and back openings, and the peeling skin. Not been a nice 4 months.
Bloody hell, one day is enough for me. That's horrible, hope it clears up soon.
Chemist was rather amazed how i havent managed to kill people due to the constant itching and burning, my saintly patience must pay off.
amazed at saintly patience - you ladies are an inspiration one way or another!!!
Great email LNM well done! I wonder if he will (dare) reply.
What do you do for cystitis, is it to the docs for you?
Sympathy to Loulybelle!
Is it cranberry juice for cystitus?
Yeah, or cranberry tablets, cranberry juice is proper rank.
Usually if cystitis doesn't clear up in 2 days I'll get antibiotics. I have a Boots powder thing I keep for emergencies do I've taken that. Scared to pee, it buuuuuurns!
Quick tip, cold water wash after peeing, seems to help the burning.
Yes cranberry juice and loads of water for cystitis, and Loulybelle have you tried taking prebiotics and probiotics? Thrush is made worse by antibiotics,you need to get your friendly flora back in balance , if the docs can't help get yourself to a nutritionalist!
Sorry for hijack!
LNM sorry you have to wait so long for your results, but well done again on the email, you are so amazing, we really are all in awe and wishing you well
Flo, i have daktacort cream, its like a godsend after 4 months of misery. Gotta see a vulva specialist for the tears.
Great email! Polite & detached, probably hit home a lot more than a big sweary rant as that would imply emotion. You're spot on in not letting him see how hurt you are. Great way to make someone feel properly ashamed of themself is to call attention to their inadequacies & demonstrate that you are much more in control & mature than them.
Try cranberry juice, or if you don't like or can't afford it, a tsp of bicarbonate of soda in a glass of water. Tastes vile! But reduces the acid level (I think) so it doesn't hurt as much. Apparently this is what's in most pharmacy remedies. (Disclaimer - don't try it if you have a heart problem as can temporarily make it worse.)
Hope you get well soon. Lots of water. Pinch of bicarb in the water helps too. Not too much or it'll make you feel sick.
Your 'd'h is still a cunt.
Oh Louly you poor thing it sounds horrible. I second the use of bicarbonate, and reduce the amount of sugar (especially things like orange juice and acidic foods & drinks) in your diet, it will help.
LNM how are you this evening? Hope you're OK.
great email, - annoyed mum, but not pissed off wife. Well done!
No point drinking cranberry juice during an attack of cystitis - it can actually make it worse, because it is so acidic. Drinking it can stave off attacks before or if you suffer regularly, but not during. Sorry.
Lots of still water will help flush it out, but if no better Dr for you LNM. Also, a warm flannel; not hot! when you pee helps ease the burning.
Thrush for 4 months, jeez - you do have saintly patience.
<<hugs for those poorly or just in need>>
I'm alright Flo, I guess, thanks. This time of night is the worst for feeling alone. Once the girls are in bed there's too much time to think.
I've just been drinking lots of water, any other fluid makes it worse.
Very well worded email LNM. You were right not to unleash the inner butch an retain your dignity. Well done xx
Inner butch! thanks areyoumad.
Heard a good quote once on the subject of revenge,
" Only try and get even with those who have helped you "
Sleep well, all you mums heading up the households...you are not alone!
Goodnight LNM xx
Going back to why other women get involved with married/partnered men. A few years ago it became apparent that a friend of mine was interested in dh. I won't go into details but things hit the fan big time. Another friend suggested that she saw a good dad and husband and realised that was what was missing from her life, so she picked mine. She works in ds2's class. We used to work together. I'm polite to her but I can't excuse what she did or the manipulation of my friendship with her to get at him.
I can understand that a bit, Lazarus. Doesn't make it right all the same. Its strange though, that good dad and husband can turn into a lying cheating rat bag in the blink of an eye eh.
Goodnight lowercase, I like that quote.
That makes sense in my case too Lazarusb. distant parents single mum, my DH had kids grandkids loads of brothers and sisters and he openly expected to just replace me with her in our family. It hasn't happened but what you said makes a lot of sense. NOT AN EXCUSE!!!
Oops meant inner bitch not butch
What I want to achieve is boundaries not bitterness. So ex cannot upset me one way or another. I think I have that mostly. Occasionally I have an internal rant about the fairness of me being sole breadwinner and him absolving himself of parental responsibility but mostly I just focus on my life being good.
I think it's very easy to fall into the trap of thinking you must make things right. So you must adapt if he has work, you must worry about his relatives relationship with the children, etc
Boundaries are about recognising it's his life, his relationships and only if you benefit, should you do anything. He won't be looking out for you. It's quite liberating only bing responsible for yourself and DC.
With boundaries, the bitterness recedes. Bitterness isn't a good emotion so that's a good thing.
agree - bitterness does awful things to people and literally only hurts the one being bitter and those who have to live with them rather than the object of it itms. plus it makes you go all thin lipped and wrinkly
good email lnm. let's hope he can step back from his ego enough to see what he's doing to the girls and step up as a father.
wasn't suggesting sympathy for ow btw. i just wouldn't waste energy bitterly thinking about her and slagging her off. i think what gets directed at the other woman men are let off the hook for iyswim. channeling it at her when it belongs with him always strikes me as a way of still needing 'him' to be innocent somehow or less culpable - as in a way of avoiding facing up to the full reality of who he is and what he's done and is capable of. so a bit of a psychological defense against reality because the reality is so hurtful. better to just face it imo.
Thin lipped and wrinkly <--- My colleague at work
I was bitter for years with OW. It was a very miserable time. Years after, I realised she was stupid, naive, selfish, thoughtless and also badly scarred because her involvement ended badly for her....so a selfish idiot but not a monster. She was a struggling single mother and he gave her flannel about his unhappy marriage and how he was leaving ...so I suspect she minimised the wrong in it. The boundary that would have helped me would have been kicking him out. Hindsight. Wonderful.
Yeah, if it hadn't been her, it would probably have been someone else. It may have been someone else before her and will almost certainly be someone else after her.
The responsibility lies squarely with him. She has made some terrible decisions but they were decisions she was free to make and she will have to deal with the consequences of her mistakes.
But he was the one who was married. He was the one who lied. He was the one who risked his health and yours, lnm. Don't want to scare you but, let's face it, he could have infected you with something like HIV and then where would that leave your girls?
He did all that. And if he hadn't done it with her, he would have done it with someone else because a man like that obviously gives no thought to consequences and no acknowledgement of marriage vows. Exactly what did he think 'forsaking all others' meant I wonder!
Great email, LNM, just right.
I hope it makes him feel like the shit he is.
When, late at night you feel most alone, try and remember that the alternative at the moment would be him sitting there, with his pathetic lies and excuses. Think evenings alone really are preferable. At least you can spend them doing exactly what you want. If he was there you would spend the evenings thrashing over your marriage and his affair and it would simply be torture.
Have a good day all x
I hadn't copped that he was with OW when he had claimed to be working and so unable to see his daughters.
I guess the thing that has changed since a few weeks ago is that now you know what kind of man he is.
Before then love and trust made you blind.
Just to be clear - I wasn't making excuses for ow. Sorry if it came across like that That was just my friend's rationale. I still think it's a disgusting thing to do on her behalf and on the husband's. People in that situation are there through their own choice & I have no sympathy for them.
I agree that bitterness is a waste of your time & energy but it's better to vent & have a go about them both on here than in front of them or dcs IFYSWIM? (You haven't as yet, your behaviour has been dignified & an example to us all!). Sometimes you just need an outlet to be angry. It's safe to do that here.
I wonder why the vision of what the OW is lacking (stable loving DH, dad) doesn't immediately change in her eyes when he proves himself to be the opposite? Because her self esteem is so low it feels like she wins? Because she's so deluded that she can't see her own irony? Whatever.
LNM that email was so good, angry but the cold sort of anger that would make -- a child-- an idiot man realise it's serious (in a don't fuck with my kids way iykwim) rather than screaming wronged wife way that would just give them fuel for the 'see what she's like??' fire. I am interested to see what he has to say to that. He'll actually have to think of a reasonable response, so you've made it a lot harder for him
in his fantasy idiot world . I hope you feel a glimmer of satisfaction for that at least. (small things)
Oh and as we're in share mode I'm having a horrible flare-up of IBS(D) at the moment so most of my MNing is being done in my bathroom
thank fuck for iPhones Hope your cys has cleared up and your thrush Louly (I read 'tears' as in eye crying tears, which it may as well be by the sounds!)
Lady, it nearly was tears, having massive splits in your fanjo and back passage. Oh and i can also relate to IBS, december i had crippling stomach cramps that felt worse than labour. Yes, im have a crap time, now i have horrid Hayfever, if i was a horse, they'd have put me out of my misery already.
Great email. I think what else upsets me about this situation is that he knows you don't have a support system yet he is happy to leave you with the three girls day after day to cope alone whilst dealing with the fallout from HIS affair. It shows such little care and compassion.
I'm saddened by his parents attitude to. You have behaved impeccably with great princi
I think many women think its a competition and she might think she's won but at what cost?
Hope everyone's undercarriages feel better soon!
Great email. I think what else upsets me about this situation is that he knows you don't have a support system yet he is happy to leave you with the three girls day after day to cope alone whilst dealing with the fallout from HIS affair. It shows such little care and compassion.
I'm saddened by his parents attitude to. You have behaved impeccably with great principles
I think many women think its a competition and she might think she's won but at what cost?
Hope everyone's undercarriages feel better soon!
Weirdly lost a word in first post, sorry about that!
Marking my place to come back later.
LNM, you are such an amazing inspiration to all the women on here who have STBXH!
Sorry to say it but I was almost waiting for OW to announce she was pregnant. Seems to be the case quite often in these kind of situations as a way to lure him back if she thought he might be getting back with you?
Who knows what shit he has been feeding her, before the 'pregnancy' he may have been telling her that you two were going to work it out?
Sorry if this sounds awful but I wouldn't be surprised if she has a 'miscarriage' soon.
Big hugs LNM, you are doing amazingly well! xx
Still no response to the email. Why would there be? He has no excuse, can't see him apologising and admitting he done a shitty thing.
Bleedingheart, your 1st paragraph is the hardest part to deal with really. He knows I have no family, his family were my family. Selfish arse.
sadly these men can't have any empathy or understanding of what we are going through, because then they would have to admit that what they did was wrong. My XH bangs on that we should be friends for DD's sake. Well, I am still hurting too much to want to be friends with him. Its all so that he can feel better, not for my benefit..... If he really wanted us to remain friends then he didn't need to walk out with no warning one day did he..... he didnt need to be texting another woman all the time.....
and your X is the same. He cannot admit that he is a complete and utter shit, therefore he will not respond, or he will respond in a shitty way.
My X took three weeks to respond to my last email..... pretty shitty when you think that he manage to text OW all day long. Its also pretty shitty that they put OW before their kids, but they do it time and again because OW has such a grip on them that they cannot see anything else.
you are doing so well, just keep on, one day at a time for now
My ex isnt with the other woman, he just happens to be a shit dad.
I never imagined him being like this with dd's. hopefully it's just a glitch...
But then I never imagined a lot of things <sigh>
LNM you are one classy bird.
LNM. There will be good things that you never imagined. It will happen
but I share your dismay because you did not have to go through this
Don't know why I crossed that out .
I meant it
he's a giant boil on the arse of a ... goat.
chin up, you are better than the pair of them.
I wish they'd hurry up and happen, cabbage.
anything in particular lnm or just a crappy day in general?
You've been amazing and your email was bang on. He tends to avoid things when they aren't going his way doesn't he?
I'm sorry your day has been bad, but it will get better, just remember the old Churchill quote "if you're going through hell, keep going" it's the only way to make it out the other side.
orry you've had a crappy day. How are you now?x
Just in general, a lot of stomping about and muttering obscenities to myself. Pissed the fuck off!
Oh how I hate those conversations in my head. I turn into angry wife from hell in my head sometimes and wake up feeling hoarse from shouting in my sleep. Anything you want to get off your chst on here? write it down and shred it?x
LNM, Join me in the mardy mere club, i've been a right old grump.
WAsn't going to share this but I had a graduation ceremony tonight and because of various reasons have stayed at home and been crying all day!! feel sorry for myself. Now am tearful because I've missed my freinds who I haven't seen since June!! Can't believe I get so blinking moody!!!
Cjel and LNM virtual hug coming your way with and
Oh cjel can you try and arrange to catch up with them again?
Loulybelle I hate feeling like this. Just angry with the world. My toothbrush got a right earful of abuse earlier because it kept falling over. Stupid fucking thing.
LNM i only had the shirt husband part of your story no OW no DCS just me being told he didn't love me any more you get through it honestly just keep going it does get better and give the kids a big hugh xxx
Don't be nice or I'll cry again!!! guess angry is supposed to be ok isn't it? made me smile at stupid toothbrsush. My DGd saw me brewing once and said to all 14 people I was doing lunch for 'oh no take cover nannies going to blow'!! I thought I had it covered.!!
Yeah the kids have been in hug overload. Dd2 was brushing my hair earlier, she knows I love that, dd1 offered to make me a sandwich as I hadn't eaten dinner and dd3 decided I needed a makeover and covered my face in glittery makeup just before my neighbour called for the Avon book! They keep me sane.
LNM, its good to feel angry and let it out, stops it from boiling over.
Actually, you shoulda seen me yesterday, i got angry at my t shirt because it wouldnt stay on the line.
It's amazing how inanimate objects can seriously annoy the fuck out of you!
I seem to be in a sweary mood too.
inanimate my arse they come to life in my house when I'm mardy.
I havent been angry today... I got my nails done. But I did have a shouty conversation with the cat over meowing for food, when I had already filled her bowl and she hadnt noticed. <mad old bat that I am>
I been feeling very stabby lately, now im having some southern comfort and trying to write my essay about the most boring subject ever.
Lou you sound grown up with southern comfort. I've got poopcorn and c hoclate feel very immature
Cjel, i just had some cheeky hotdogs and i think a mint feast is in order too.
Im hoping my mates for my 30 might buy me a big bottle with Bold Black Cherry cola in it.
Oh when are you 30 loulybelle?
Cjel, sweet, salted or toffee? I could go some now.
August LNM, 3 days after my DD's 6th bday.
Oh no now I feel old you are younger than my dd she was 30 last july! I lived in the big family home then and had couple of sofas and arm chairs in bedroom and remember at one point lying on my bed with her and several of her mate lying round the room cos they'd broken out the vodka jelly after an afternoon drinking and the kids had gone to bed!! My room wouldn't stopmoving !!
I dont feel as depressed as i thought i would be, since both my older siblings didnt marry til they were 32 and 33.
that's funny cjel! Nothing worse than those room spinning moments.
I'm just older than you loulybelle
and Cjel what an awesome mum you are, i love watching my mum drunk.
Drunk. me, How dare you!!! Iwas mearly supporting my daughter neices and friends, what must you think of me?
I believe you Cjel, thousands wouldnt
This is why the Internet is wonderful. Until tonight I felt 'one of you'. No class, appearance, age or other barriers visible.
But now ....now I know I'm old enough to be your mothers ...it has made me want to go and crochet quietly in a corner or something.
pish....crochet aint your style Cabbage.
Ah Cabbage, youth is all I have right now and even then I feel about 70.
Cabbage do you mean me?? you can't be that old??
. Bloody hell cjel, I'm not that old
Louly. You are quite right it's not my style. If I wasn't working 50 hour weeks I'd be out doing lots of active stuff this weekend. As it is I will be alone in the office and DD with her dad.
ITS FRIDAY! So, what does everyone have planned for the weekend?
cabbage you are working, thats a bit rubbish - all weekend?
lnm doing anything with the girls/friends?
louly you will of course be studying hard, not drinking So Co... although I am intrigued to try a cherry version. I cant stand the smell, let alone drink it, due to a rather over indulgent
binge when I was about 19.
I have no plans at all - oh except getting the grass cut. I live life on the edge. It is a F1 free weekend so hoping we can do something fun.
Age is just a number! I am going to be 39 in May. How did that happen? I was in my 20s, travelling around, having a blast and then all of a sudden I am heading towards 40 2 kids and a husband a dog and a cat and a mortgage...
made me smile and quite jealous reading about you having a roomful of the younger generation around you cjel - really sounded lovely for some reason. i only have one child but i have a niece and two nephews who i hope will stay firmly in my life and i very much hope they'll feel happy lying around my bedroom after vodka jellies when i'm older
suppresses fears of being a lonely old woman who noone comes to see
hope you got a good night's sleep LNM and that everyone who was feeling low yesterday feels better today. grey and wet here so i'm not 'feeling it' today. have decided it is time to clean the house before i end up on one of those dodgy tv shows have my possessions removed in a skip. guessing there's slightly more chance of having people around me in my dotage if i can learn to keep a nice house that i'm not embarrassed to let people into.
so anyway i shall be around today if you need anyone to vent to - i will be looking for distractions to get out of cleaning
xposted jax - bugger all planned for the weekend here. i'm close to you in age - 37 here.
Phew cabbage - you had me worried then!!Swallowe - it is lovely my 29 yr old son only moved out before easter so I had loads of them around . I didn't kid myself about dds party though, Iwas out at college for the day part it was just we had enormous house then very suitable for bouncy castles and bbqs!!
Trouble I have is I only feel 27 and no one told me how to act old!!
Oh and 1st time in ages I have weekend plans.Mentoring tonight, Looking after dgds saturday and gardening with them and garden centre with them and dd on Sunday,I to live the high life!!
Jax, of course i will be studying hard and turning MI5 on my DD, she has selective mutism, so i gotta sneakily record her reading those awful, Biff, Chip and Kipper books.
Jax its like Cherry coke
What happened to the bloody sun?! Rainy here too. My phone tells me more rain for tomorrow
My DP wants to take me to a steakhouse tomorrow, but I know for a fact it only has a single toilet and in my... condition atm I am not entirely up for it.. waaaa.
Cjel I love going to garden centres. They relax me for some reason!
Raining here too, which is a bugger, coz i got my t shirts on the line, well they bloody staying out.
Great email LNM. As others have said it just sounded like your annoyed mother. Have you seen any more of your friends?
I feel like I'm with friends here, garden centres and watching Monty on Gardeners World are the high light of my weekend . And I'm only 38, surely I should be a bit more rock & roll than that? You can keep your Southern Comfort though I'm afraid Louly, the smell of it makes me heave! I'm a G&T girl myself...
Pissing down with rain here, DS2 sat on the potty watching Cbeebies while I'm on MN, can't motivate myself to do anything useful really. Should be doing something educational with DS2 but poor lad will have to learn his numbers from Numtums today! (Loulybelle my elder DS is reading Biff Chip & Kipper, aren't they the most boring godawful books?!).
LNM I hope you slept welll and have a better day today.
garden centres relax me too i must be old.
i am being productive. well in short bursts with regular intervals to play bloody candy crush whoever it was on here that mentioned it. why oh why did i click????
upstairs of the house is looking semi domesticated now have to venture downstairs and tackle the dog hair and mud covered floors. i really need to win the lottery, buy a beautiful big house that i love instead of resenting and then hire staff to keep it lovely for me. i did win the lottery this week - got an email saying good news your winnings will be paid into your account then went and checked and of course it was a tenner had that momentary excitement.
anyone who says money can't make you happy must be a truly miserable fucker who couldn't be happy no matter what the universe gave them. if i couldn't achieve happiness with a million quid in the bank i'd take myself out and shoot myself.
SAF I know a few people with loads of money who are always miserable, always comparing themselves to others and nothing's ever fair, they always feel hard done by etc etc...
I think it's true that if you're a misery you'll be a misery no matter how much money you have, whereas if you can be happy with what you've got you'll always be happy however much you have.
Ooh that was quite philosophical wasn't it?!
You made me smile though, my Nana used to say that, "if I had a gun I'd shoot me bleedin' self" (in fabulous East End accent. Usually peppered with a few choice swear words. She swore like a sailor, in fact I learned the C word from my Nan! ) God I miss her!
swallowed. my ex was that person - went through a phase of big house,cleaner etc and he was so miserable, I used to say how many more houses, motorbikes cars, holidays do you want - stop now, but he didn't. I am broke in small house but so much better happiness wise. He still going mad trying to get more and more!!
I am after a bottle of that So co Cherry!
Happiness is not something that money can buy. It comes from within.
Ive got the radio on here, singing along to songs, MNing and not doing a lot today. Where has the sun gone? It was 7C when I took DD to school. hmmf, yesterday it was 20 something.
miserable fuckers they sound!
i think other than when depressed (ironic) i can be happy no matter what i've got so i know that i could be very happy with a lot. i sit and fantasise about winning the lottery sometimes and which friends mortgages i'd pay off and what houses i'd buy that we could all use for holidays and stuff. i suspect it's the combination of rich and mean/selfish that creates misery whereas rich plus generous or naturally wanting to share good fortune would be a nice place to be.
in reality i think my dreaming of money is to do with being a single parent and not having much and worrying about our security for the future. i don't even own my own home anymore and have zero clue how i'll manage to afford trainers for ds when he's a teenager let alone university. for some reason it's weighing on my mind a bit recently.
i am happy to be a single parent and i don't feel emotionally deprived or anything but i do find the whole all of it is down to me financially side of things a bit daunting.
lnm don't forget to sort out child maintenance - the arse isn't even paying rent or overheads at the minute so he should certainly be contributing to the family overheads.
I'm SO much older than you lot! I'm 42 this year but my life is finally heading in the direction I've wanted for the last 12 years.
I've been in a relationship where I lost everything but ds1. I've been a single parent, struggling to work & watching every penny. We're still watching every penny now, with dh working and ds2 & dd still at home. But I'm studying so we can improve our situation in the next few years. It isn't easy but hitting rock bottom gave me a steely sense of
stubbornness resolve and I'll be damned if I ever compromise on that again.
It will get better, whatever situation you're in now. If I can do it, anyone can
Rock on and much respect for you Lazarus
Oh Flo, i've written better than those Chip, Biff and Kipper books, when i've been on the Jack Daniels, and Jack Daniels makes me dizzy.
Have been following this thread from the start LNM and just have so say what a twunt he is to not have the decency to reply to your email. I can only think he is very that you have caught him out yet again.
thanks, that's encouraging lazarus. i can't really see any way out of us being relatively skint at the minute. i'm actually at the point where i'd sell my soul for a big salary and would requalify as anything virtually that would see me earn a decent living.
well almost anything - i used to be a teacher and going back to the classroom is one thing i'm not prepared to do.
Well you all sound like you're having a lovely day! I need a day at home to sort my house it is the biggest shit tip you've ever seen!!! My feet haven't touched the ground this week I've been that busy. And no one else has done the washing/cleaning/ironing etc
LNM - how are you today? Noticed you've not posted yet. Hope all is ok x
Oh! For a house elf - more Dobby than Kreacher for me please!
Honestly, in 1995 I never thought I'd be half as happy as I am now. I didn't think it was possible and I believed my life was pretty much over. But then I realised I wasn't prepared to let that bastard get the better of me It took a long time and I certainly haven't done it on my own, but having a 5 year old with a terrible father, no home, no money really spurred me on!
We are all stronger than we think when push comes to shove!
If I won the lottery, I would defo pay for someone to do my washing, cleaning, ironing and general tidying up!!!! Got to be worth every penny
I'm the same SAF, I daydream about winning the lottery, giving my friends money to get on the housing ladder / pay off mortgages and then buying great big places in Cornwall / Tuscany / The Alps where we can all go on holiday and live like kings , then there's the charitable foundations I'll set up, the holistic retreat that would be free one week a month for single mums / carers / people living with cancer / children with disabilities.... The list goes on! Nice things to think about, I hope one day it comes true - you ladies can come to my holiday house
Right, the house is tidy and Ds2 has finally done two poos on the potty so that counts as a triumphant day in my book! Off to do the school run.
Have a good evening everyone, I hope you're Ok LNM xx
Well, Lazarus, I'm <<cough and wheeze>> 51 (had to pause and count it up there).
Lottery would definitely go for
some all housekeeping chores right off the bat. I would also like to make a big donation to the local food bank.
I'm not a single mom, been married (to the same guy ) 23 years. He is a workaholic, though, so I get the emotional abandonment part. My ds is 20, dd-18, and dear daughter two is 5, all at home. So I'll be 64? when I might have an empty nest. I'm really not sure how I feel about that .
LNM, I hope that you have a nice weekend and that your girls will be able to see their dad with smooth transitions. Perhaps a better chance of winning the lottery, I know.
I think lnm had the solicitors today. That might help with some plans for money and access and show that she is serious about moving on.
If i won the lottery, me and DD would be in OZ quick time, and i'd have a younger trophy lover. but thats just me.
Btw, i frigging love Pat Benatar, awesome music.
Hi, yes I had the solicitors today. Went all the way into town, sat waiting for 45 minutes only to be told he was running late and could I reschedule for next week. Grr, had to indulge in some retail therapy after that.
Ex replied to email with 'I'm sorry, what can I say?, I was backed into a corner. I'm sure you don't want to know all the details but it couldn't be helped',
it could have been helped by prioritising his daughters. god does he think that it's acceptable if you don't bother to pick the girls up from school if it 'can't be helped'? saddens me that men seem so often to have so little idea of what being a parent means
parenting means it HAS to be helped doesn't it? it's the line in the sand that can't be crossed no matter what else might seem important. you have to be a parent.
or is that just the rules of the game for mothers???
Response "Perhaps grow up and put the girls first, its not hard"
response, "so if i piss off out and leave the girls on their own unparented tonight that'll be ok if it 'can't be helped' then will it? grow up and be a parent"
He really is a poor excuse for a man. Maybe he should let his dds push him into a corner instead next time.
Loolybelle - I think you made a typo - you wrote one trophy lover...have a few, they can have a rota
Wow, what a little cowardly bastard he is, didnt even have the guts to mutter an apology, hope he gets cock rot, prioritising sex over his own children.
Ahhhhh yeah Lazarus, why have one, i could have 7 and not get bored.
'Can't be helped' what a pathetic excuse!! 'Backed into a corner'.
Nice to know where his priorities lie. Perhaps you need to tell him that and also where, as their father, you expect them to be!!! What a joke!!! Men do it because they know us mums will pick up the pieces. Why they think its ok to pick and choose when they see them is beyond me! His loss I guess. Re-emphasise how much they look forward to spending time with him and how upsetting it is when plans change?
How frustrating re solicitor. Is it one you've used before? Wonder I'd it's worth seeing a few so that you can pick the one you feel most comfortable with?
Wildly speculating, I just wonder if he was taking OW to doctors to see about an abortion? That is about the only thing that 'couldn't be helped' I'd say.
although obviously it could have been avoided
I would have said no to the solicitor, you'd wait. Blinking annoying.
Notice how he didn't mention actually seeing them again. I give up.
Imtheonlyone, I have used the solicitor before and I like him so I think I'll just stick with him. He called me earlier to apologise for today.
Where's the wine?!
LNM, i'd cut off contact and only interact when he asks about the children, you shouldnt be the one maintaining his contact with them, my ex never calls my DD, and i dont see why i should call him, he obviously dont care.
you do need a glass lnm. what an arsehole. that email is self pity isn't it? and actually re-reading it it's also an expectation that you are meant to feel sorry for him! unbelievable.
i'd reply saying that he hasn't said what arrangement he wants with parenting so shall you assume every other fri-sun and every wednesday night from school, overnight and take them in thursday as that is the standard agreement most people seem to go with? then remind him he it is his weekend to have them this weekend so you do hope he's made plans.
what a bloody arse!
absolutely disgusting behaviour! Cant be helped my fat arse.
LNM - no, no no. You have done all you can to maintain a relationship with him and his daughters. No more contact.
Im sorry he is such a shit husband and Dad. Hero to zero in 2 weeks! Its a friggin record.
Sometimes solicitors get called to court or a legal battle that cant be helped, v short notice for them. Glad he called to apologise.
I prescribe wine and something nice for dinner. And some fun stuff over the weekend to do.
Lnm, as always I applaud your dignity but really, I'd be getting a tad bitchy myself at this stage.
It's always mummy who has to keep the show on the road, you know that but he needs reminding that corner or not, kids cannot be let down at such short notice.
My 'amazing father' STBXH needed reminding this week that fantastic and all as it was not to have him stalking me anymore, he as done feck all to help find a new minder for our DC, take holidays to cover her school break or anything extra to help and yet bleats about not seeing her, wanting her more etc...
Give an inch as they'll leave it all to you.
Time for a snarl girl xx
Oh that's good he rang to apologise. If you've used him before then that's fine - it's often hard to find a good one you're happy with
I think I would go with those saying song respond now. You have tried your best to get him to maintain a relationship with the dd's. you said in your email to contact you when he's ready to make a concrete arrangement re access so there's nothing left to say is there really?
I'm with you on the wine tonight! Just walked in from school/work. DP doesn't drive so I drop off at station and pick up every night (quite a bloody bind ). So we've all been out of the house the same amount of time! He's walked in and gone straight up to lie on the bed . The house is a tip as I mentioned before!! Granted, my ds's are not his biological kids but he lives in this house too and he's just left me to do everything. So me thinks I will feed kids and get them to bed and much as I am itching to tidy and clean out my feet up with the wine that I just bought . Anyway, enough about me!!
Happy Friday fellow mnetters!!
Hope you're ok lnm - you sound a bit more up than yesterday?
Quite right - I think you need to lay down the law a bit here LNM, he's taking the fucking piss. He needs to be told - in your own fabulously calm, no-nonsense style - that parenting isn't optional and isn't something that can be fitted around other things, it's other things that have to be fitted around his DDs.
You don't need any of us to tell you this of course, you know it and I'm sure you're gearing up to do just that. You really are dealing with this so amazingly, I know that sounds trite but I have so much respect for you.
Well done for going to the solicitor, what a pain in the arse that he couldn't see you today. Hope the retail therapy helped !
I wish i bought more So Co, im trying to study but my brain dont wanna walk.
PS also on the just a small glass while DSs watch a bit of CBeebies, they had swimming lessons after school and it's always absurdly stressful getting the after school on a Friday when we're all knackered and grumpy.
That's my excuse at any rate...
i understand people saying don't contact him, don't chase him, not your responsibility etc however it is bloody hard work to be a full time single parent and he should take some of that responsibility.
access isn't just about him and the girls it's the mother's right as well to have him do some of the time so that she isn't working 24/7 and actually gets some time. ds's father doesn't see him at all. i am very lucky that my parents are around and are close to him and have him sometimes because never having a day off to yourself is incredibly draining, incredibly quickly and it really isn't fair on the OP given they consciously made this family together in marriage as a partnership. abdicating from his marriage vows shouldn't mean he gets to abdicate all responsibility for hte children he chose to make.
i will obviously support you whatever you decide is best for you lnm but i'd be cautious of letting it just slide into him never having them as he'll soon get used to his total freedom and long term you really need some support especially as you don't have family around to give you a break. without my family i'd be buggered because sometimes you just have to have a break. D&V springs to mind as a scenario where you really want someone to come and take over parenting
I've given him the opportunity to discuss seeing dd's, when do I say fuck it, you contact me? I don't know, they are asking me if they will see him this weekend. One more email asking him if he wants to see them? God, he is making it so easy to hate him right now.
I have a couple of things planned this weekend, nothing exciting. Dd3 has another bloody birthday party on Sunday. Dd1 has a football tournament Sunday too.
Trying not to think about going back to work on Monday
I think where people are coming from is that lnm is doing all the running and stressing about him seeing his dd's. Yes he has responsibilities but you cannot force him into spending time with them. And also lnm doesn't need to be the one stressing about it and running after him - save your energy for your dd's! Lets face it- you need it!!
I knew how hard it is to be a single parent with no local support from family and it is bloody hard work. From my perspective I just don't want lnm doing all the running and stressing.
Perhaps just reiterate what you said before? It's disappointing he's letting the girls down and they're upset. Contact me when you're ready to make concrete arrangements re access. And leave it at that?
But defo get some down you whatever you decide!!
X posted with you SAF, you speak sense. I feel I need a break right now. Just to be able stick on my music full blast, drown my sorrows and have a cry without worrying I'm upsetting the girls.
It's a hard one to call, I guess I've been pretty damn patient with him up until now. I rarely contact him, that email was the first I've contacted him first in a while. I need to know where the girls stand, I need to be able to tell them what's happening.
i just think don't ask him if he 'wants' to see them or to contact you when he is ready. tell him - dd has party on saturday, dd has x on sunday, this is their schedule. you need to have them this weekend as it's your turn to do some parenting and they are keen to see you so i will drop them off at time x on saturday and you keep them till sunday evening.
dykwim? why 'ask' him? he's their father and they're his responsibility too. tell him and make him actively refuse to have them rather than allowing him to just decide whether or not he bothers to reply.
from what i've seen you either make it damned clear from the start that they still have responsibility for their children and have to do their share of taking care of them (even if that means driving them to his place knocking on the door and saying bye girls) or they never will.
Can you just say to him what you've told us LNM? That your DDs are asking when they can see him and that it's now his responsibility to make a cast iron arrangement to do so? Maybe reaffirm that this isn't about you / your marriage, it's about his children and that sometime soon there (may) will be a court order in place regarding access so he needs to get used to making them a regular and non-negotiable part of his new life.
Forgive me if this sounds a bit self-help-book-y (I'm a personal coach among other things, underneath this normal exterior!) but regarding work can you think about what your ideal outcome would be? Maybe it's a new job, maybe it's your boss knowing about the situation but not having to talk to him/her about it, whatever... Then you can take the steps needed to make it happen. If it helps imagine one of your DDs in your shoes and think what you'd advise her to do. Could you email your boss the bare bones of the situation so that they know about it but you don't have to discuss it face to face? I there a friend you can ask to help with brushing up your CV and start looking for something else? Anything you can do to be clear about what you want, so that you can take small manageable steps towards it, will make you feel better.
I find that when I have a situation I dread, the best thing to do is look at worst case scenario(s), plan for how I'd deal with that / them and then anything else is a bonus. Plan for the worst, aim for the best, and be positive. Ask for the help you need. And have some I can't imagine how draining all this must be xx
Tell him what i told my ex, "We may not be together anymore, but we responsibilities still, DD's love you as their father and will need regular contact with you, im happy for this to take place, as its in the girls best interests, if you choose to prioritise others over them or cancel when it suits you, the only ones who suffer is them, they are the only ones who will be let down and left crying because you have let them down, do not let them down again, they do not deserve to be let down, im open to discuss regular contact, let me know.
Listen to SAF - what she says sound much better!!
Happiness is not something that money can buy. It comes from within. Someone tell DD this! She came out of school whinging and has been whining ever since. Really really whining...so that I wonder if she's going down with something. I need wine to cope with the whining.
Financially...I can't moan because I have a good job and a lovely house, big garden and take hols etc but I'm still sole earner and feel vulnerable. We live frugally day to day. I can't sell currently and house is too big for me so costing me more than I want for heating etc. I really can't moan but I'm very tired of working at my job so hard.
Happy...mostly yes. Tonight I've finished another 45-50 hr week and am working Sunday. It's not always like this so one day I will only work 37.5 hrs I am lucky that I can work at home and start after DD has gone to bed so it doesn't affect her too much
LNM I can't really advise much about the DD but I know you'll want what they want. I would be careful of setting a precedent of you doing all the running around and tolerating crappy treatment. He'll let you. At some point a lightbulb may switch on and he'll realise what he's doing to the DC. Until then I suspect he'll be a crap father. Although you want them to see him he may not give them the attention they need...or may take them to OW which would be very unsettling for them. I suspect he just cannot parent on his own and relied on you previously.
X-posted. SAF speaks sense. You've been patient for long enough and he's taking advantage LNM (and the piss, too), time you told him how it's gonna be. It's only fair, for all of you, DDs especially but you too.
I'll send him an email later when dd's are in bed and before I've had that glass of wine. I like the idea of telling him I'll be there tomorrow at such and such time. See what he says to that.
Flo, sorry just seen your other post about work, that's a good idea. I'll speak to my manager on Monday. I feel like I'm suffocating at work, I'm scared of fucking up big time and I'm sure she would rather I spoke up than make a mistake costing thousands.
Good idea LNM, always better to be upfront about things IMHO, and I'm sure you'll feel a massive sense of relief once you've told her. You have nothing to hide, nothing to be ashamed of, everything to be proud of. You're doing amazingly and the fact that you want to be honest with her in order to make sure you don't fuck up at work speaks volumes - you take your responsibilities seriously. They should be bloody glad to have you there by the sounds of it. I know people who've been signed off 'sick' for months on end when going through WAY less difficult situations than you. Good on ya, girl! And good luck emailing ex, stay strong and calm and righteously outraged for your DDs (think lioness when her cubs are endangered) as you always are xx
It's a tough one...he is clearly going to take the piss to the extent you allow it.
I would say, if he doesn't want a access to his daughters to put it in writing, but you still need to agree on maintenance.
Tell the girls that you thought he would see them but he texted to say he's busy?
Tell them the truth, in a matter of fact way.
Don't expect anything from him, detach as much as you can.
Fuming on your behalf.
Nothing will come of it if you give him a piece of your mind, you won't get what you want and will end up feeling like shit.
Well I didn't need to send an email, he called, asked to pick them up at 8 pm tonight. Bit later than I'd have liked but girls all excited about going out in their pj's, even if it is only in the car. They've just left and now I feel all teary. He said a Friday evening until Sunday suits him fine to have them every week. I told him I'm not discussing it right now but I work mon-fri and would like some weekend time with them too so we will hopefully come to an agreement. What to do now...
[Wine] LNM, i might have to break out the secret vodka, it seems im having a down day too.
I know it sounds like he called the shots there and he probably did but I'm so tired tonight and couldn't be arsed arguing. I hate feeling like that but I've no fight left just now. The dd's are happy and that's all I want.
Loulybelle I'm eyeing up the vodka too, not sure wine will cut it tonight! Chin up.
I try LNM, but i realised that even my 30th is gonna be in my long line of shit birthdays, from 23 til now, they all been pretty crap.
Yip birthdays just don't get any better. Every year they are a let down.
LNM this is a transitionary phase. What you are aiming for is a situation where you know where you stand. It's nice to plan a weekend rather than have your plans changed to suit another
Hot bath? Glass of wine, MN? Good book? Tonight
What's tomorrow hold?
the dds are happy and you've got some time to yourself. no need to fight tonight. obviously he's not having every weekend the cheeky beggar. but you can deal with that later.
i'm having a glass of beer. only bought myself a tiny amount as i don't want to overdo it and feel crappy tomorrow but i did really fancy a drink.
it's ok to feel a bit teary - get it out if you need to lnm. it's safe with the girls not there.
can't be trusted showering in an empty house pint of vodka, I mean glass of wine obviously. Catch up with Coronation St, maybe some Ashley Banjo. Get the guitar out and chill. Sounds like a plan.
AND you play the guitar. you're just so damn cool lnm
i have locked the chooks in, let ds stay up watching telly and am mn'ing in my bed. it may not be rock and roll but it's quite cosy.
Ha I try SAF, I like to pretend I'm a member of The Stone Roses and play Sally Cinnamon. Best song in the world.
I do that with dd's, let them watch some shite on the Disney channel on a Friday night. Hope your chooks are behaving!
Im not having any wine/vodka and forgot to look for cherry So Co in Tesco today.
But I am glad you have got some time by yourself LNM. You do need to get some time with the DC at the weekend too, so I would suggest every other weekend and a couple of hours and tea after school during the week. Depending on his shifts. Get it in writing, get his shifts in writing too, so you know where you and the DDs stand.
Once there is firm boundaries and settings sorted out, he has no option but to let them down or show up.
Jax, get me bottle when you find it
I normally let D stay up on Friday but tonight she's
driving me nuts not herself, so off to bed for her.
2nd glass of wine and have just decided to not work tonight
I'd love to play the guitar. It's both cool and chilled.
I've been through various stages of contact. Upset when without them, thrilled without, with time on my own, unpredictable contact, unreliable contact and no contact for 4 months when DD broke down crying one night and I rang and asked him to see her. He wouldn't fetch or return her so I drive her across for 45 mins and he then went to the pub. He then asked for 50/50 contact...... Since then he's settled into 24 hours every fortnight. I'm grateful for this stage. Nil support financially. Meanwhile he told everyone 'he just wanted to put the DC first' <sigh>
Mostly I wonder what I ever saw in him!
ok lou so long as you study hard now.
I trying, i promise, my brain is on strike.
I'll feel better once it's all sorted. Then we will all know where we stand. Hopefully.
What you studying loulybelle ?
Social Sciences its part of Criminology and Psychology degree, its sooooo boring.
Enjoy some time for yourself this weekend. Glad you don't feel bad that he's called the shots - you needed this too! And your girls will love spending time with their dad.
Defo get something sorted though - does he seriously think he's going to get every weekend??!!! Cheeky buggar!!!!
Cheers lnm - and everyone
He said a Friday evening until Sunday suits him fine to have them every week. I told him I'm not discussing it right now but I work mon-fri and would like some weekend time with them too so we will hopefully come to an agreement. What to do now...
He's still being selfish. The family courts typically want every other weekend with either parent, because that's the fun time. Weekdays is the grunt work, when you have to focus on meeting their physical needs alongside working yourself. Standard split is either a shared care arrangement (rarer, because it can unsettle kids, but not unknown) or every other weekend, with a mid-week overnight (usually Wednesday) each week if the parents live close enough together.
I don't know if you have mediation in Scotland? It's a useful way to thrash out arrangements with a neutral 3rd party, if you do. But in your position and with regard to some stability for the girls (I doubt they will want to live with his new situation that soon) I would think every other weekend and maybe a weekly overnight might be a good idea. Maybe talk with the girls and get an idea of what they would like, going forwards from now? As he's not reliable might be an idea to stress they're just ideas, and "Daddy's work might not make that possible" (boak). But it would give you an idea of what would work best, alongside what they would like to happen if they chose for themselves.
I haven't been posting because you're getting so much great support, but I have been thinking of you so much, and admiring your strength and honesty. I wish we could collectively get you past these horrible weeks and on to the gentler waters of the future, but as we can't, please know that you could not be less alone. A lot of women all over the British Isles are thinking of you and your daughters. xx
Oh perfectstorm, thank you. That's good advice, and I really have had amazing support on here. I don't know what I'd have done without it. Well I do know, I'd have got on with it feeling pretty much on my own.
Isn't it typical, I'm nearly pissed and everyone buggers off
my ds often stays at my mum's on a wednesday evening so i can do a longer day at work and get an earlier start the next day. it really breaks the week up when he does. if he can collect dds from school one day a week and have them overnight and take them to school next day it keeps him more involved with schooling and the reality bits of parenting like uniforms, spellings, reading, rushing to get to school etc. that would be good for all of them - and obviously you want it to be good for the girls. it's nothing compared to doing it every day obviously but it's at least a bit of reality and him still being part of the girls wider lives rather than just someone they see on weekends.
mid week is nice because you get to catch your breath and have one morning where the only person you have to get up and ready and out of the house on time is yourself and the day feels much easier just from not having to do the school run (and the day before not doing the pick up).
i'd possibly aim for insisting on the midweek overnight to go with the alternate weekends iiwy and negotiating.
i'm still here - relatively sober though. contemplating marmite on toast as a bedtime snack.
Have been on the phone to DM all evening, I haven't spoken to her since Easter so it was good to catch up. No drinking here just popcorn and chocolate again. Early night here Dgds at 8amxx
One night midweek and every other weekend sounds good to me. It's fair.
Marmite, I've never tried it. Don't think I'd like it. More of a peanut butter person! Crunchy.
I love marmite.
I'm binging on marshmallows, chocolate and contemplating Haagen daz in the freezer.
Im thinking of going back for a Mint feast, diet meh.
I need to go shopping, I want chocolate! Fruit and Nut
Oh god, mint choc ice cream is my favourite! Stop it.
fridge raid, fuck the diet!!!!!!
I'm addicted to wr Belgian choc with hazlenuts and Tyrrells sweet an salty pop corn Lou - Whats a diet?
errrrrrr try not to eat so much crap diet.
Milk and Vodka, tis nice.
No stil ldon't think my chocolate fuddled brain can understand that concept
Bet you can sing, too.
Anything but cooperation from him isn't it? As was said earlier, keep emotionally detached but, imho, keep engaged solely for DDs. His presumptions are not an agreement, and hopefully he will find himself with disappointment when you rightfully have weekend plans with DDs that won't be broken for him/his convenience.
No alcohol here. <<boring life style>>
I have a pitiful amount of vodka.
I realise that the ice-cream is safe. It's in the garage with the tarantulas (one of whom, ran at my slippers the other night - I nearly suffered a cardiac event)
Not a vodka fan tbh.
I have a bottle of wine which will last the weekend! I like a drink but have a low tolerance
arggghhhhhhh spiders, kill them, they must die.
I make a glass sized bottle of wine last a week have crazy intolerance. Those spiders are evil one lives in my garage near the socket and I have to wait for to visit to turn it on and off.
Spiders are evil, they have a secret plan to take over the world, they have human servants. My friend is one.
louly what do their human servants do?
Plant the little fuckers in your house, without you noticing, and they came up with that bullshit lie "They're more scared of you", its a ploy.
I hardly ever drink. Can't be doing with thehangover. But soreci ocassion and all that. 51 mins to go. Oft who cares just another day , no one to celebrate wih
Oy LNM. we are not 'no one'!!!
I'm on tea now. Helps my alcohol headache. I'm glad I've got such little tolerance tbh. A very effective deterrent
I rarely drink too, it dont seem that way though.
Yes why would they be MORE scared I don't think so. one of the things I miss about not having H. I could do with a celebration lnm?
Oops loads of typos! No celebrations at all well not in this hoose.
Lets just stay sane and save celebration for another night? lnm trya nd go to bed early so you don't start tomorrow grumpy. Hope you can manage good sleep.xx
LNM Have you ever used lavender oil to help sleep?it works for me . Hope you get a decent rest
I've never tried t Cabbage. I'll give it a try
I'll celebrate with you, lmn! Although it doesn't seem like it now, you have a lot to celebrate- you've proved what a strong, lovely person you are, you really have handled this whole thing brilliantly .
Just dropping in to say good night.
Don't worry about ' caving ' and letting him take the girls...as your strength returns you will naturally start putting some order around it.
Wishing you a restful night
Thank you. Well I'm officially another year older non the wiser. Just watching The Green Mile and fall into bed. Great fun.
Happy birthday! Another year wise and stronger x x
Happy Birthday to You! Happy Birthday to You! Happy Birthday dear LoNoMo! Happy Birthday to Yooouuu!!!X
Happy Birthday LNM! (Long time lurker, first time poster)
Just for you, LMN
Am a bit stunned to realise he's taken the kids over your birthday. Did him or the kids mention it?
Take care and have a relaxed day.
What Areyoumad said. I hope he didn't take them because it's your birthday but I guess that would have involved thinking about you on some level.
I hope you have a nice day and that this year becomes a better one in every way. If your children are anything like mine they'll be upset to miss your birthday and feel bad so I hope he sorts something.
What a bastard.
LNM. It won't always be like this. Low point. In the past. Probably the most miserable birthday for you but this can only mean one thing! Onwards. The rest will be better.
Have you mentioned your birthday to the girls? I think the first year was for me one of recognising all those milestones like birthdays when life was going to be different. You've got to steer the 'different'. Tell the girls and then plan your birthday for next year.
So today. Come on. Lets hear it. What are you going to do?
Happy Birthday! I hope you have a day full of treats. You should celebrate how strong, dignified and together you are. And think about your birthday next year - hopefully contact will be sorted by then and everything will be better than it is now.
Happy birthday LNM hope things look up for you this morning, you deserve a brilliant day - I agree with the others, start planning a birthday to remember for next year! X
Happy birthday lnm. We are all here for your virtual birthday breakfast. Pass the pancakes! Who wants coffee?
Happy birthday LNM. Treat yourself today. You deserve it.
Back to lurking, bye!
Yeah. Lots here to have a party with you. I don't care that its before 8am and you have a hangover....where's the squid grey chocolate cake with 30+ candles
Predictive text is great isn't it
When I was young - mid 40's now - I toured with a rather famous rock band, I got tried to keep up drinking with Lemmy and Alice, this did NOT work! I could party hearty with the hardest of them. I nearly had sex with somebody in Cinderella but had sword off musicains by this point. Now, I watch The Great British Sewing Bee and make kids clothes. It comes to us all at some point. Also, if I'd lived my life the right way around I'd have a child of about 20 now and not a 4 year old
My ex husband is well balanced according to his brother - he has a chip on both shoulders Some people refuse to see the good in anything.
Although, right now, if anybody loves me they'd shoot me whilst I'm still warm. This snot bug will not go away!
LNM it couldn't be fucking helped? Some woman over his children? Fuckwit! Mr Tigga is not a violent man but would like to apply karma to his head right now! Let him make all the running for his children now, it's hard because you want your girls to have a dad, but really he doesn't deserve to breath the same air as them! Buy the girls a dad phone, a cheap mobile he can talk to them at times when you decide. If he cancels on them again tell him he can phone them and tell them himself. I bet he prioritises when he can't take the fucking cowards way out!
Happy birthday LNM. Do something really nice today for yourself and your girls. Eat as much chocolate as you want, I find dessert as dinner days work VERY well!
i'm sorry - i somehow missed that it was your birthday lnm! happy birthday
did the girls know? is he the type to remember?
Delurking to wish you a very Happy Birthday...hope you have a great day
Morning LNM. I didn't get the brithday Memo either. Hope you manage to do something to make you happy.( Although tears and feeling sorry for yourself would be ok.) Hope you can treat yourself as special for all of us . Happy Happy birthday.xxxx
Happy Birthday LMN I've lurked since the start and I'm cheering you on xx
Great idea from tigga wrt the phone was- talking about this very thing last night, my friends dh would cancel plans last minute if he was having a bad day, eventually df stopped covering up saying ' tell them yourself' and going herself, he soon stepped up.
Do the girls know it's your birthday?
If not, why not?
It's something to acknowledge, even if time/funds and in this case circumstances mean you can't celebrate as such.
Thinking of you
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUOOOOOOO!
Pamper yourself today, go get your hair/nailes/feet done. Buy a huge cake and get some friends together for your day. Go out for dinner and drinks and have a laugh.
good things to do on your own include: cinema, shopping, hair/beauty/whatever treatments, turkish baths type affairs - have a swim, sauna, jacuzzi etc.
will try to think of more.
but i do think you should treat yourself to doing something.
i'm having a hot stones massage next friday on my day off as my back has been sore for ages and i never treat myself to anything like that (i also found out i get it half price through work).
Happy Birthday LNM
Hope you managed to sleep ok and that you do something for YOU today!
Thanks for the birthday wishes.
Don't know what to do today. Probably best to start with a gallon of water!
Dd's called me about 8am to wish me happy birthday. They told me they're going shopping for my present today, bless them.
I'm not bothered spending the day on my own, it's only a birthday.
Right, none of this. What do you like doing and eating? Your mission is to do it and eat it by midnight tonight.
Happy Birthday LNM.
I overdid the food and vodka last night. quarter to 2, honking me guts up.
De lurking to say
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to LNM
Happy birthday to you
Hope you have a relaxing day.
I think u shud watch magic mike to cheer yourself along ;-) with Pringles and red red wine! X
I hate celebrating mine so I usually slope off alone to the shops, buy calorific treats for lunch from M&S, new PJ's whether I need them or not and a new book.
Return home, run naice bath, dress in new PJ's, open book and graze on treats. Birthday perfection
Happy birthday LNM
Have a wonderful day and treat yourself to whatever you love and don't give yourself a hard time over anything, just for one day at least!
Maybe you could make a list of all the things you want to do for yourself in the coming year (that ex didn't like / didn't let you do / that you've never had time for) or write about how you'd like your life to be by your next birthday? I always try and mark my birthday like that, doing something positive, seeing how far I've come, giving myself a pat on the back for doing something no matter how small. YOu've done something truly AMAZING this year - imagine how this next year of your life could pan out?! Onwards and upwards, and be kind to yourself, you deserve it xx
Happy Birthday Please try & do something nice for yourself - you deserve it
Happy Birthday from across the pond, LNM.
I imagine you should ignore his birthday, whenever that is...but it would be fun to design the "his shit hat on his head" hat and give it to him without explanation. <<<fun things to think about but never actually do>>>
Order something for yourself from Amazon. Did you get the new linens for your bed yet? Egyptian cotton.
Hope you're having a good day to yourself. For all your twatty ex knows, you could be getting pampered ready for a hot date later...
I agree that EOW access is probably fair for both of you and midweek if he can. XH originally had DD every Sunday as she was only 4, but I hated never having a Sunday with her. Now I have two whole days with her, then he has her the following weekend 10am Sat to 6pm Sunday. I love having a whole weekend with her where i don't have to think about him turning up. He dropped EOW Friday nights due to work and has also dropped midweek access due to work. He won't have her in the holidays due to work. Childcare, holidays etc are all my problem not his and there is nothing I can do about it.
There is nothing I can do to make him a better parent. He keeps bleating on about how he does the best he can for his DD but in reality his best doesn't amount to any more than that.
Your X will possibly go down the same road and see less and less of them as time goes by. You deserve quality time with your DC as well as him so don't let him get what he wants. And if he lets them down then they will sadly get used to it and as they grow up they will learn to expect less from him.
If you can't agree on access then you may be able to sort it through mediation.
Well I'm under strict instructions via a text from friend to meet her in the pub at 2.30. If I don't go she'll never speak to me again. Hair of the dog it is then!
good! go and enjoy yourself
definitely might be a day to bother with your appearance. anyone who sees you can confirm you're looking well thanks gossip pants.
Some weekends I doss around looking like a bag lady and others I do hair, make-up, matching nice undies, (even if its jeans and working in the garden sort of day). It's all about how you feel. I rarely regret looking nice. I have regretted looking unkempt ...at the supermarket bumping into absolutely everyone I know!
Yeah, I'm on the case, I've even shaved my legs. Just as well I bought some new clothes yesterday, I've lost 12 lbs since he left! Stress diet really works.
i bet you're looking great. go out and enjoy yourself and show the world you're not curled up in a ball crying to have him back.
woohoo! to the pub!
Wear your new clothes, make sure you feel good, look good and have a fab time. And do eat something too. Boozing on an empty tum = a short day boozing and pukesville.
Have a great time lnm - I'm sure you look amazing
Enjoy some time out with your friends
Hope you are having fun.
Happy birthday, LMN. Hope you spoil yourself a bit. God only knows you deserve it!
Have a nice time Bet you look great!
Happy Birthday! and I hope you are still out celebrating. So great that you went out with your friend.
Also delurking to wish you a very Happy Birthday! I also hope you are still out celebrating and that you're having a great time.
Haven't posted before as I didn't think I could add to all the wonderful advice you've had and continue to receive, but on seeing it was your birthday I wanted to add that I too think you are totally awesome and a truly fantastic role model for your girls. I wish you all the best for the future, you certainly deserve it. Xxx
I can't wait up all night to hope you had a lovely day!!, so I'll just say happy birthday and good night.xxx
Happy Birthday Ellen M. You are fab !
Curry with an old friend tonight. The town was heaving and I was glad I was too old to have to totter along in heels, freezing cold because I'm not wearing enough. Smart jeans and boots...there are so many pleasures to getting older.
Apparently I was put to bed at 9, just woke up fully clothed on the bedroom floor. Sign of a good night. As sand got a number from a super cute guy. Goo mee
Oh well done girl, what a birthday eh lol.
See....some days start crap and end well
Was a great day, lots of dancing, cocktails and eye candy. I'm a fussy bugger when it comes to men but wow, talent a plenty tonight! All nice teeth and shoes
Sounds like a great birthday. Lots of happy days and years ahead for you!
Yes Lnm , glad you had a good day yesterday . You will get stronger as each day passes and have more good times ahead.
Yes Lnm glad you had a good day and night yesterday . You will get stronger as each day passes, and have more good day's ahead .
Now this has brought a smile to my face this morning
That is how you spend your weekends without the DDs. Get planning the next.
It's also crucial he is forced to be reliable re contact because otherwise you don't get to plan.
It's crucial you start to have a life for your emotional health and well being.
Lots of water and 2 alcohol free night mid week to allow your liver to recover....also crucial
Hooray for you!!! Glad you had a fab time and of course you got a number . Doesn't matter whether you ever use it or not - point is you're gorgeous and everyone knows it!!
Hope hangover isn't too awful
you found eye candy!? maybe i need to move to scotland. never see any round here - well occasionally someone is easy on the eye and then they go and spoil it by opening their mouth
hope you're not feeling too rough this morning.
I don't feel too bad. Sore feet and tired, don't think I could do that too often.
Ex sent me a text this morning. 'Is that you out dating already? You didn't waste much time'
Made me laugh hysterically. Not that I am dating but how hypocritical is that?
Haha, ooooo such jealousy, what does he want, you crying at home or does he still think your gonna take him back, i'd be so tempted to reply, "Atleast i waited til we were over" or "well aint you the hypocrite"
What a twat.
Please please please reply with"at least I waited till our marriage was over", please!
Sorry am lurker, belated Happy Birthday.
and good on ya.
I did reply with 'Not that it's any of your business, I don't have to answer to anyone. You lost that right the minute you shagged another woman'
Nice LNM, make it clear you life from now on is nothing to do with him, i cant believe the cheek of him, he really still does expect you to take him back doesnt he.
Well done LNM! Ah..the green eyed monster! Did he expect you to be sitting in, crying, alone on your birthday? Does he really think that all men are as blind and stupid as him? I'd be tempted to point out it isn't the first offer you've had either! Ha ha...obviously OW is failing to float his boat in spectacular fashion already
So what if I go out on a million dates?
You never call or listen to me anyway
I rather rage than sit around and wait all day
Don't get me wrong, I just need some time to play
You're on your knees
Stay with me
But honestly I just need to be a little crazy
All my life I've been good but now
I'm thinking, what the hell?
All I want is to mess around
And I don't really care about
If you love me, if you hate me
Another great song to dance around to, Avril Lavigne
Glad you had a good night. He has a nerve but it's obviously rattled him.
Lazarus, grass aint always greener is it, especially now as LNM is obviously a pretty hot woman, i hope he feels like the biggest twat in the right now.
Also 2 Beyonce songs spring to mind,
"Dont you ever for a second get to thinking your Irreplaceable"
"I bet it sucks to be you right now"
terrible generalisation coming up but ime ex's still want you till the minute they think you've shagged someone else (even if they've been shagging around themselves) then suddenly the off switch triggers for them.
it is actually as if they still think of you as their property till another man touches you. nice attitude revealed by it.
SF, i think you bang on there, its a pattern i've seen before.
Excellent, I hope his jealousy chokes him
Way to go, girl, YOU are fabulous
SAF, I think that's the impression he's under. Tough shit!
Katie, I don't feel fabulous today, I need a greasy fry up. Ex is meeting me in town so I can get the girls then it's fry up time... Oh or a roast dinner. I could eat both.
If he asks for more info about what you've been up to just tell him "Don't judge everyone by your own standards". That'll leave him guessing
'hmm what could i do that would be as bad as having unprotected sex with another woman and knocking her up and fucking over your wife and daughters in the process? oh that's right, absolutely fuck all!'
SF, there is nothing lower than that is there, what a twat.
I can just imagine him ready to give LNM a grilling.
What a complete wanker!
Bloody good for you LNM
I think it's definitely a proprietary thing, especially as you called time on the relationship. So you may not want him, but you shouldn't want anyone else either. He can do what he likes but you have to conform!
I do not bloody think so. Enjoy your fry-up/roast, possibly both
Hahahahaha!! Superb! So someone he knows has seen you out and about in town having fun and looking fabulous!!! Brilliant!! Way to go LNM!!
That has obviously really wound him up and he will so hate the thought of you with another man . Hypocrite indeed though!! His mind will be going insane today!! Bet his OW is less than impressed! Haha!!
Fry up and roast dinner - sounds like a fab plan
Oh his nose is soooo out of joint.
He's such a dick. Meet him to pick dd's up and tried to interrogate me once girls got in the car. 'Did you go home alone? When did you get home? Did you meet anyone?'
'Wouldn't you like to know' obviously wasn't the response he was after.
Got lots of nice presents from the girls, a foot spa which I can't wait to use later, chocolates, pj's and a huge teddy
Jeez, i knew he'd start with the questions, so funny to think of him going mental now.
ahh and he was all convinced that buying presents for you from the girls would have you desperate to have him back.
Hi LNM, I posted way back in the old days of thread one, and have been keeping an eye you fom the sidelines ever since.
Just wanted to delurk to say belated happy birthday, and that I think you are handling things amazingly.
Hooray for the lovely pressies
And hooray for keeping your cool - once again!!! He's obviously desperate to know what you've been up to!!! Silly, silly man!
He's got a cheek! How he has the audacity to question whether you went home alone etc just beggars belief.
Stock phrase that is going to come in useful many, many times...
"It's nothing to do with you."
What an utter tool.
The worm has turned eh LNM?!!
What an absolute cheek to be miffed that you went out & got chatted up on your birthday!
De lurking to say I don't think I've ever been do pleased to hear someone went out dancing, drinking and getting chatted up !
Hooray for LNM !!
You're doing brilliantly .... Can I ask , did it feel a little bit good to see him jealous ?
A pretty low sort of person who destroys your family then begrudges you a night out.
I think you were a) not supposed to kick him out b) supposed to stay indoors weeping c) gratefully take him back or just be an occasional lay (I have seen this <
- so often ) .....because the OW isn't up for it being pregnant and so on
Get with it LNM. You're not sticking to the script even though he is!
Wonder what d) is
Suspect financial and divorce related
He is a twat. Seems your text re him letting down your girls because he was out with OW must have gone astray as it would be rather hypocritical of him to ask you what you did with whom otherwise!!!
Wait for the rewriting of history that you were messing around before now...
Ha ha! I think he expected you to spend your day indoors, dressed in mourning, crying into your tea. You are one hell of a woman! Good for you. I hope it felt good that he was jealous, it's made my day and I don't know either of you! Seems like being a knob will be his consistent setting from now.
LNM - I've lurked from your first post. Think I am a tiny bit in love with your mojo!
You are an example of strength to all women.
Keep strong! There are so many of out 'there' who are rooting for you.
I'm a fan. Wish you were my friend.
Ah thank you uppatree, that's so nice. Can never have too many friends.
Silly me eh, I should be letting him move back in by now, not going on nights out and having a good time.
How amusing! Was it just a little bit satisfying the fact that he is clearly jealous?! Haha, serves him right.
Still sorry you are going through all this but you are handling it brilliantly.
Well done LNM!! Total legend. You really are a great example to your girls and to the rest of us mums. I know it can't be easy for you dealing with this and there are no doubt a lot of low times at the moment. At least you can walk about with your head held high and be very proud of yourself. You have more balls than any bloke I have ever met. Look after yourself x
Lmn your text from ex twat had me laughing too as my ex called MEa hypocrite this weekend too, I did message back to say ' that's rich coming from you '
Another fan here, you are a fantastic inspiration and what a fool he is and I'm sure he is realising it now. I know things can't have been easy but so pleased you had a good birthday.
I love your updates! Brilliant, glad you had a good time with friends.
What a dickhead - asking you 20 questions! I hope you had a massive grin on your face when you made your retort.
Enjoy your foot spa and chocs, good for hangovers and sore dancing feet.
Ah thanks everyone.
I did have a smile on my face when he was questioning me, it felt good! It'll be killing him not knowing. Oh but he did say remember word gets about, I'll hear what you get up to. Sad git!
Omg!!!!! LNM, you better stay indoors, incase one sad git tells another sad git that your nice and happy.
Ha ha ha ha, I am so glad you had a fantastic birthday, LNM.
So he is finally thinking about you now, like you suddenly exist.
Brilliant response, too. You are an adult, acting like an adult. Something he probably won't ever quite "get".
If he comes back again (and I'm guessing he will because of the implied insult) with the "Not wasting any time" phrase: How many years were you married to him? That's enough time wasted.
Put that day in the bank, LMN. You can get along of mileage off of that one. [Grin]
Perhaps he s only just realised it all gets out!! trouble is it doesn't matter now You can do what you want!!!!
It doesn't matter if he knows or not, it is still none of his business.
Yeah it's funny how he's suddenly taking such an interest in me when he went AWOL a few weeks ago and didn't give me a second thought. It's a bit late now to be interested what I'm doing. Eejit.
Well I've got my feet in the foot spa, chocolates are open and me and the dd's are just going to watch Ashley Banjo
I think I have an obsession with this man
"Yeah you're right, word sure got out that I'm available now" said with big smile on face, would be the perfect response methinks
Amazing! He saw you as a wife rather than the confident, attractive woman you are. He can't stand that other men can see that, or that you can be happy without him. I hope his ears burn off with all the gossip about what a catch you are!
Oh but he did say remember word gets about, I'll hear what you get up to.
He seems to be mistaking you for someone who gives a shit.
I wonder what he'd say if LNM was seen snogging some gorgeous, tall, dark and handsome guy, i'd pay to see his face tbh.
I've got a great big grin on my face reading your updates LNM, I'm so glad you had such a fantastic birthday and that ex is so jealous, bloody good for you! Enjoy your foot spa and chocolates and snuggles on the sofa with your lovely DDs, you really are an inspiration to us all
Ah Birthday Girl! Long time no speak. How's the head?!
I've had a catch up today - been thinking of you during my <ahem> somewhat unexpected extended stay in hospital. Gutted that you had to see what you did, but I suppose it keeps a razor-edged sharpness to your focus. He truly is a tool of the highest order.
Anyway, enjoy your pamper session with the girls. I'm chuffed to bits that you went out last night and snorted out loud when you posted that you were put to bed, fully clothed at 9.
Happy Birthday LNM.
i'm stunned that he could say that with a straight face. is he a bit thick? or does the world really exist in total double standards for him - re: he's so entitled he thinks there are standards that everyone else should follow but he is exempt?
how are you feeling about work tomorrow lnm? have you got a plan?
LittleEsme, I've been worried about you! Are you home now?
SAF, I'm dreading work, no plan as such. Hopefully I'll get the chance to speak to my boss. I feel sick thinking about going in
He really is coming across as thick. I think he as forgotten a huge amount of what he's actually done. Well I won't, ever.
Are you going to try to talk to your boss first thing?
Littlesme welcome - I misssed you how are you?
Little Esme. Hope you are fully recovered
LNM the anticipation is probably worse than it will be. Get boss on board and don't put on a strong front
Yeah I'll speak to her first thing. The thought is always worse, I'll keep telling myself that. I'm dreading the work I have to catch up on too. Everyone does the very bare minimum when someone's off, it's ridiculous.
Re Work - I'd agree that the anticipation is far worse than the actual. Do you have a work plan LNM?
Thanks everyone - lovely posts . Got discharged on Friday night after a hellish time. I was (apparently) resistant to the antibiotics and a few hours after my last posting, I went into respiratory failure. Had a bit of a stint in ICU (not that I remember). Coughed a load of red stuff since and have been in agony. Slept tons too. Gave everyone a bit of a fright.
Anyway, I'm baaaa-aack! And am still going to start my skipathon
but probaly not for a wee while yet
Keeping my beady eye on you though, LNM.
OMG Esme<<hugs>> I hope you are being looked after? have lent my rope to dil give me plenty of notice when your ready to start.
LittleEsme, you poor thing. That's pretty scary. Look after yourself
I'm ok, v v tired but on the mend.
Frightening to wake up surrounded by machines but can praise the hospital staff who worked on me. Am thankful to still be here.
NOTE TO ALL - NEVER IGNORE A CRACKLY CHEST!
As you were.
Esme - Hope you get better from now on. Give the skipping a miss for a while! Take care of yourself.
LNM - Hopefully work will go better than you think tomorrow. We'll be thinking of you.
Thanks LNM, I will.
Got a load of pumpy, breathing stuff for home, so shall make FULL recovery. Skipathon is ON, ladies!
in about a month
no skipping for you esme not for a while. You poor thing, I hope you are much better now. Scared the bejesus out of everyone I bet? for you!
LNM - you are just fab. Who cares what that knobjockey thinks. Cheeky sod.
I had pneumonia last year and I seriously thought I was having a heart attack! It took a while to get 100% better afterwards. Gentle walking until your chest sorts itself out.
LNM. Well done you and here's to a brilliant post birthday year. X
Just had to check in...applause lady, applause!!!!
They really do shit themselves that, shock, some other man might want you...gobshite
Thrilled to hear about birthday and hangover and general onestepforwardness...
You rock girlie, well done!
Best of luck at work, do tell all, it saved me just knowing that even though I held it together and never missed a day during the madness, I could if I needed to.
Happy belated birthday (not to be an asshole but I couldn't check in as way away with new partner, having a ball and that lady, is YOU next year) and may all the others be amazeballs xxxx
LNM good luck today, my friend.
PLEASE try not to stress to the point of anxiety - keep a hold of it and chant the mantra "This is a job, I can only do my best" and don't be pushed into a state of anxiety like you have been before. You have your wonderful girls. You have your lovely home. You are well. And by God, you are strong. Don't let a job pull you down.
I type this as I'm trying to keep hold on a sense of panic about my job and the work that's piling up to be done in my absence, BUT, none of us are super-human.
Don't think about it, just go today and keep calm. You are a force to be reckoned with so keep that certainty as your armour today.
Think how rubbish you felt on Saturday morning...and how that turned out. Today doesn't have qui------te the same potential but might surprise you
Just wanted to wish you all the best for today. Dont worry, its only work. You are strong and can do this. <wee hug>
Hope work is going well LNM. Just carry on being as strong as you have been!
Well done LNM. See how you are on the upward curve while he is sliding down into the mess he has made.
I wonder if you had not discovered the affair, what would be happening now with OW's pregnancy?
Hope you've managed to get some support at work today LNM.
Glad to hear you've had a fabulous night out- your response to your H was brilliant! Maybe now he is starting to realise that his stupidity has lost him his attractive, intelligent, strong wife.
even if your boss turns out to be a twunt today (I think you might be pleasantly surprised) we're thinking of you and are right here for you.
Just caught up. It's abit late but Happy Birthday LNM I'm so pleased that hour friend dragged you out and you had a good night!
I hope works gone okay for you
Just popping back to say hello. Have been thinking of you all day, I hope it went ok. You are a star and they are bloody lucky they have YOU working there!
I've just left work for a quick break. Ate my lunch at my desk between answering phone calls. I haven't had a proper break until now and I just left for a breather before I launched the contents of my desk at my managers head. I tried to speak to her first thing as planned, told her I had split from H. She said sorry to hear that. Then I told her I felt overwhelmed with the amount of work and it was making me anxious. She basically said they're understaffed and have advertised for help. I felt I was wasting my time, there was a deadly silence and I just left her office.
Opened up my emails and had 127 unopened emails all marked urgent. Between replying to them, getting through the pile of paperwork that I left on my desk 2 weeks ago and answering the phone I nearly just walked out. I asked my manager for help with a particular enquiry and she just snapped 'its all there in your emails if you look'. Just before I left there she was removing nail varnish from her nails. AAAAARRRRGGGGHHH!
Sorry to hear your manager wasn't helpful LNM, what a silly bitch At least they're advertising for help, maybe one day soon things will get easier? In the meantime is there any way you could start looking for something else?
Obviously I've no idea what kind of job it is or what the job market is like where you are but surely there must be someone somewhere who would appreciate you, your conscientious approach and the long hours you put in??
(If you need a proofreader / someone to help you brush up your CV and don't have anyone in RL I'd be happy to help) xx
I am not very good at not doing well/ failing but a situation like this relies heavily on abusing that sort of attitude. I think you need to find a strategy for coping
or a new job
Coping meant coping with unreasonable demands NOT meeting those demands
Happy belated birthday, LNM . It sounds like you had a good time, what little you can remember . It's amazing how ditching cheating bastard's can affect us - I also remembered nothing but waking up in bed after a particularly heavy session with a bunch of girlfriends doing a Greek evening (can't even think about Ouzo without wanting to chuck, four years on!).
Next time the Twunt asks about your social life, IGNORE, IGNORE IGNORE. That will make him hurt and bewildered far more than saying owt. Aren't they pathetic, humph.
As for losing 12lbs. I really want to say yeeeeeeeeeeeeeey, well done, assuming you needed to. I lost stone and a half courtesy of mine and the only time I ever asked him to pass on a message to his (ex) mistress, was to thank her for helping me lost 15.5 stone of bulk - him plus the 1.5 stone I'd lost.
So sorry to hear about work, I absolutely sympathise. One day at a time, keep checking for summat else and please take these hugs - they are recycled from friends of mine since I've outgrown them now.
In the time to come when you outgrown them (and you will), you can then pass on to someone who needs them.
Look after yourself.
I think it might be a good idea to consider a new job - your Manager certainly needs one! If you can't see anything locally, maybe send your CV to a few places- you'd be amazed what might happen. Don't skip lunch and breaks at work, you're legally entitled to them. You've also lost significant weight in a short space of time. You need to look after you, for yourself as well as dds.
I don't mean to nag, I just think you absolutely deserve better and your employers are taking advantage of you. Nobody dealt with those e-mails because they knew you'd skip lunch in order to do it. You have more than enough bastards in your life with ex!
I've been searching every day for a job. I know I hate this one badly but the only good thing is weekends off. It's really getting me down. I feel so stressed with it. I know if they get help in I'll be left to train them, they really are a bunch of arseholes to work for. I can't even enjoy evenings, I'm constantly worried and anxious about it. Hopefully another job will come up soon. I have so much running around my head, between ex and this job it's driving me mad. Then I'm snapping at the girls because I'm on edge, it's no good.
It's time to move then, LNM. When you start bringing your work anxiety home, it's time to move. What are your options, do you think?
Your manager is a bitch! Keeping fingers crossed that something new and better comes along to you soon. You really do have everything coming at you from all angles
I don't have any other options LittleEsme, I can't quit, going on benefits isn't an option for me.
So sorry you've had a crap day at work. What a cow your boss is. Hope you find something else soon, where they actually appreciate you.
you wouldn't get benefits if you quit anyway.
there needs to be a plan of how draw boundaries at work and learn to say no/can't do that/i don't have time to do x,y and z or something. it is unreasonable to pile more work at you than is doable.
if your line manager really is being totally uncooperative then who do you go to? do you know who is the person to go next?
Sorry - should have explained myself a bit better. In terms of work - what would your options be? Are there similar areas of your expertise close by?
Again, not sure what your exact work circumstances are, but could you start putting feelers out for something else?
Is there anybody above your manager that you could go to for help? It's out of order for her to snap at you after you told her what happened. Or you could get signed off again but that won't help in the long run if nobody does your work in your absence
Can you take some natural medication to help you relax? Kalms or Rescue Remedy? Try and switch off when you get home. Hang up work with your coat and don't pick it up again til the morning.
LNM. I've just been through a very stressy time at work. I was feeling sick, heart palpitations, never switching off and tbh was going to just walk away (sole earner with mortgage that needs paying so not really a viable option but desperate)
I agree with SAF (as I seem to a lot lately) about boundaries. Your employers have none. They are stomping all over normal boundaries of workload/decency/respect and dignity at work. Unfortunately it will be down to you to either erect boundaries or cope with the consequence which might mean walking away (not viable as it isn't for me)
I have forced a boundary for me. Unpleasant because I felt I was tarred with being difficult (v v v unfair considering the work I've done for them) and difficult for me to do because I'm a pleaser. It's actually been really good. I'm sleeping again. Tonight I left work 15 mins early instead of 30 mins late. I didn't bring work home. I will still be doing overtime until staffing situation is resolved but there is a plan and I feel I have made it clear where my responsibilities end.
I have done a lot of reading up about conflict resolution and other related topics in order to arm myself in meetings with managers
You need to be strong to deal with a divorce and maintain sanity so that you can be the stable parent (cause the other one sure as hell is not). You need to have controlled work stress in order that your energies are focused on family and you
Work is ok. A job I love, and a sideline that is coming through. I don't earn enough but it is more than reasonable. I do not want to chnsge job no, it has taken more guts than you can ever know to even go throu th sale tie processes. You want to IMO something funny though. I was second choice. Their first choice quit after after two days! It can be a bit challenging .
Does not stop me feeling second rate all rough though.
I think you maybe need to ask for a meeting at which you can illustrate the size of your workload and how impossible it is, maybe? I don't know, but there are some fab employment lawyers on MN offering their advice free gratis, so maybe post there and ask? If anyone deserves a bit of understanding at work it's you. Your boss sounds horrible.
It appears I managed to answer wrong question on the wrong thread! So sorry lnm. I have been reading yours and am absolutely in awe. You are fab and you and your girls will be fine nd dandy. Take care.
I was too polite to write 'Does anyone else know what. Fuckitybollocks is saying' but thought it!
i was confused also
the other day i replied on a post i was on (i swear i was on the right thread) but it appeared on the one i'd been looking at previously
lnm i think it is going to come to having to be assertive and outlay your concerns and the ways in which your workload is unreasonable, that you are glad that they are looking for help but that in the short term there needs to be a strategy as the situation is untenable and impacting on your health through stress. say you would prefer to be able to resolve this amicably in house not to have to join a union and deal with this through official channels but the situation is such you will have no choice but to do the latter if the former is not achieved.
i know it's hard but you do have rights and they are taking the piss and they do have to act if you assert yourself effectively and put up that boundary.
Have a look at your contract LNM and see exactly what your job entails. I used to go above and beyond because I didn't want to let anyone down. I took on more responsibility than I was paid for. When I realised it was a one-way street I made it very clear that I would work during my hours and no more. I wouldn't miss breaks/lunch etc. I wouldn't take work home or buy resources from my own money. It's amazing - once I'd got that clear they stopped taking the piss. Every now and again I'd go the extra mile, but on my terms.
I think it's pretty common these days for bosses to expect staff to carry more workload than they can really manage. It's a terrible practice, bad for everyone involved, including the client and it's how mistakes gets made. I can't wait for this culture to change and I do believe change will happen if the workers speak out and stand up to bosses who demand too much. Rebel, me
We had staff shortages, as do most workplaces it seems (although not sure how this can happen with all the unemployment out there). Anyway, the bosses asked everyone to put in extra hours to cover although no-one wanted to, everyone agreed. Except me. I said no thank you. They said, we'll pay you and I said no I don't want more hours. Then they threatened, if you don't do it someone else will have to and I said, fine.
Within a fortnight they had hired extra staff to cover the work. So really it just boils down to cost cutting and if you refuse to be taken advantage of, they will find another way to without putting all the responsibility and stress on you.
I agree Fairenuff. I had a breakdown (not work related) in 1999. My GP wanted to sign me off indefinitely but I felt I needed to continue part-time. Work were supportive. However, when I needed time off for ante-natal appointments later that year & in 2000, they complained that, although I was back working full-time, they'd bent over backwards for me & I was taking advantage! I've missed out some relevant factors but we were on the point of an industrial tribunal when they finally backed down and realised just how much I'd been doing. They had all sorts of problems when I left after having dd
just saying hi and i hope you're ok lnm. stress is awful. hope you can find some ways to relax x
oops i just left you a kiss! habit sorry.
How are things LNM?
I hope you're ok.
saf Im always leaving kisses - and then just before posting I delete.
LNM how are you doing my lovely?
Overwhelmed ? I hope you come and have a little underwhelming with us
Hope yesterday went a little better? Thinking of you
Hope you're ok Lnm? How are things?
Hi LNM, hope you're doing ok? Lots of us are thinking of you
Ah thank you everyone for thinking of me. I've just been really down these past few days. Just when I think I've hit a low another one comes along even worse. I'm ok though, just been getting on with it at work. Doing what I can and if they don't like it then tough shit. Ex has the girls tonight, he asked if I was going out on the pull again Little does he know I think he's put me off men for life.
I hope you told him to mind his own business!!
Sorry you're feeling low today
Glad your ok LNM, he just cant stand it can he, idiot he is.
he is jealous! What an utter idiot he is.
LNM - maybe it is midweek blues, I have had the day from clumsyville today, everything I have done has turned to shit. Puncture on car, which I couldnt sort myself, had to get RAC to 'rescue' me... then the tyre is absolutely shot inside, so a new one needed and because of the type of car I have it needs Allroad tyres, which only Pirelli make, and are phasing out, so it costing loads. Then cooking, nearly sliced my finger off this evening, went to close dining room window, knocked a vase and flowers off windowsill and it spilled all over me and wooden floor... I think an early night for me is in order.
Hope my crappy day has cheered you up. I just swore loudly at myself and nearly had a toddler tantrum.
Thanks, I'll be fine, us usual. Bloody have to be eh?!
Ouch, jax. Hate days like that, sometimes an early night is the safest bet, least you're out of harms way!
Your "Do what you can and if that's not enough - tough shit" attitude to work is good. You're not actually superhuman even though at times you almost have to be. At the moment work comes lowest in your to-do/ to think about pile.
You are doing brilliantly, there are bound to be some shit phases and I'm sure you'll come out of it. Sorry I haven't got anything more constructive to day but thinking of you and hoping you get a good night's sleep and tomorrow is better.
yeah, I was going to have a bath but I will just skip that part, dont want to end up in A&E!
Just think, it is nearly the weekend, so get some nice plans in place.
Thanks areyoumad, the work situation was really getting to me. There is nothing worse than a job that fills you with dread. Like yesterday, I had asked weeks ago to leave at 3.30pm for an opticians app. My boss emailed me at 3.15 with something urgent for me to do that took me 45 mins, like a mug I stayed and done it. Just made the appointment. I'm not doing it again.
That's the best way, Jax. If you're anything like me the bathroom is a dangerous place!
I can freak you all out and say i nearly always fall asleep in the bath.
well you are past hump day (wednesday) now lnm so it's downhill to the weekend and i hope it flies by. try and get an early night if i was you.
That's so weird SAF, I have never in my life heard the phrase hump day until today and you are the 3rd person to say it today! Freaky.
I'm a nightmare for having an early night, I just think the sooner I go to bed the sooner I have to get up and go to
LNM - I think that. As tired and as desperate I am to curl up with my hot water bottle, a part of me just knows that another day at work comes sooner.
I somehow 'knew' that you were having a tough couple of days - judging by your radio 'silence' that is. It's going to happen. I wish I could make it better for you.
Thanks LittleEsme . Hope you're feeling a bit better now
What Esme said ..
I wish I could wave a wand over work for you. I think coping with eejit ex. (predicted text makes that ejected...how true) is more than enough without work stress
rule of three. you'll remember it forever now
i really appreciate what hell at work is like from the past. am lucky to be very happy and well treated (as in mostly left the hell alone tbh which kind of suits me) in this role but i had dreaded going back to work due to past experiences.
without stressing and making it a whole job in itself just casually keep glancing now and then through job sites and papers and see if anything jumps out at you. i kind of believe in opportunities coming to us when we are open to receiving them and looking expectantly for them to turn up. something perfect will come along i hope.
I'm with you on that SAF - if you ask for the right opportunity and really believe you deserve it and that it will come to you, it really will.
As 'woo' as it may sound LNM if you honestly ask someone 'up there' (even if you're atheist, it still works!) for help, ask them for the perfect job that is interesting and well paid and plays to your strengths and gives you what you need, you'll get it. Remember to say please and if you want to get really 'woo' I always say please send me a coincidence (like the 3 hump days, which we also say in our house incidentally!) or something that draws my attention and 'waves' at me so that I know to follow it, and remember to say thank you to them upstairs when it comes. It will.
So sorry to hear you've been feeling low, I'm not surprised, anyone would in your shoes. I hope today brings you something unexpectedly lovely and that you allow yourself to receive all the support that everyone here and in RL would like to give you.
i think half the battle is not jumping from the frying pan into the fire but waiting for the right opportunity to present itself. i had been offered a place on an MSc to take my counselling qualifications further and it all sounded good and everyone was all yeah great thing to do ra ra ra about it but i just had this niggling feeling that it wasn't the right move for me and after much wrangling turned it down without any clue of what i was going to do instead. the day after i turned it down i glanced through the job ads idly and this job was there with the most ridiculous job description that could have been tailor made for my ambling experiences both life and professional and that i was pretty sure no one else could fulfill all the criteria for. i'd never seen a job like it and without ascribing it to any woo factor it was as if it had been written for me.
Flo, I'm always asking someone 'up there' for help, it'll come one day!
Dd2 is off sick today but on the plus side, I get to stay at home. Dd on the sofa watching a movie and I am armed with cleaning products, stripped all the bed covers and ready to blitz the place. Be done cleaning for lunchtime and join dd on the sofa for the afternoon.
I'm SAF too - gut instinct is there for a reason. I'm sorry that you're going through so much crap at the same time. I'm sorry the people you work with seem to be completely devoid of empathy and basic human emotion. As for your ex, I'm a bit sorry that there wasn't a long line of men at your door ready to spend the evening shagging you & making you feel nice (IFYSWIM?!). He really is an entitled twat. Don't let him put you off men forever - there are some nice ones out there when the time is right!
Hope the cleaning is going well and you can enjoy a nice snuggle on the sofa this afternoon
Incredible that he feels entitled to ask you if you are going out on the pull! He sounds like a right knob.
Yes just keep on keeping on - you're doing great!
I know, the guy is unreal. Why he thinks he can fire questions like that at me I'll never know. I could be shagging the entire Celtic football team
I wish and it would have nothing to do with him.
I hope he didn't ask that in front of your dds? Arsehole. You weren't even on the pull in the first place. Not your fault you're an attractive woman!
No he always waits until they're out of earshot, I'll give him that. So thoughtful...
ah how considerate of him! NOT! hope your house is sparkling clean now, not sure about Scotland but today has been HOT where I am. I was out with a friend today getting birthday gifts for DD and a couple of my friends and Rita Ora was opening up a new shop.
That was the highlight of my day. I had to tell my friend who she was. It was hilarious, not a clue. And she isnt much older than me. Oh well, I suppose there are benefits to having a teen son and a music loving daughter! Im down wiv da kids.
Not so hot here, bloody miserable infact, didn't get any washing dried on the line was sunny this morning but as soon as I hung out all the bed sheets a black cloud appeared.
You are indeed down wiv da kids
One of my dd's has a birthday in 2 weeks. I've lost count of her ever increasing list! She's getting a bike, like it or lump it.
Mine has new Ugg boots (sale) and some silver earrings from DS. She will get money from family, gift vouchers etc so she can buy whatever
crap she likes from Claires. My baby will be 10 tomorrow.
Ah I love kids birthdays, funny you should mention Claire's. dd is desperate for her ears pierced, every day she pesters me but I think she's too young. Her friends all have them done, it's a daily battle.
I can't believe stbxh thins he can quiz u yet he the one lying says h e at work when out with ow!!! Tosser of the highest order
Hope your DD is feeling better LNM. Bless her. And you? How are you doing?
I'm brighter. Still spluttering and grabbing for asthma pumps. I think I've bust a rib, I've coughed so much Want to go back to work soon but family are putting pressure on me to stay put. Work keeps piling up though.
Anyway, You are doing well. So, so well. And I do agree with everyone else who've said about keeping a little eye out for other job opportunities. Out with the old... The timing is right for you so just keep an eye on things. I shall have a few choice words to whoever 'up there', as well. I reckon they bloody 'owe' me a few favours after this stint in hospital.
who the feck is Rita Ora
I was just wondering...ex used to point men out in town to ds that I'd slept with....except I hadn't & ds was 10 He just became so focused on scoring points that he forgot about the effect it would have on ds.
Been cold but sunny here.
There are no words...
Hope DD is feeling better LNM
Bit grim Lazarus
It's Friday!!!! What's everyone doing for the weekend?
I've only just found this thread! I tried looking
not very well apparently but couldn't find you. Anyway, I'm super glad you had a lovely birthday, and sad you are having work trouble. Your manager sounds rubbish and yes they are relying on your wanting to do things properly, to get you to do more work than you should. Gah! Anyway, really good to catch up, you are, as ever, fabulous