Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Dp been really off with me since going on a stag doo.

(280 Posts)
whatapotatohead Tue 23-Apr-13 13:06:16

Dp went away this weekend on a stag doo. He came home on Sunday night and has hardly spoken to me sincesad
I was fine with him going away (actually looking forward to a few girly days with dd) and have been fine with him since he has been home, stayed up until he came home even though it was late and had to be up in the morning, had a beer and a snack waiting in the fridge for him when he got home. Nice meal prepared for last night...
He wouldn't come to bed on Sunday, stayed downstairs until I was asleep, hardly spoke to me last night and wouldn't come to bed again but stayed downstairs until 1am.
I have asked what is wrong with him but he just says he is fine then goes quiet again.
Don't want to keep asking him what's wrong but can't stand feeling like this.

Madlizzy Tue 23-Apr-13 13:07:13

I'd sit him down and tell him that you're not a bloody mind reader, and there's obviously something not right, so spit it out.

quoteunquote Tue 23-Apr-13 13:08:25

Where was the stag do?

KirstyJC Tue 23-Apr-13 13:09:30

Oh dear.....did he do something he shouldn't?

Where was it and what type of do - quiet drink with the boys in the local or a weekend in Thailand?

whatapotatohead Tue 23-Apr-13 13:19:20

It was a weekend in Amsterdam hmm I am not naive I know there was more than likely a visit to a certain type of club and I can deal with this as long as he didn't pay for a private dance (he knows this)

TicTacSir Tue 23-Apr-13 13:20:47

What do YOU actually think, OP? Any suspicions? Any relevant past experience?

TicTacSir Tue 23-Apr-13 13:22:09

X-post.
Amsterdam. Plenty of stuff to get up to. Could he have been coming down from taking something?

LookingForwardToMarch Tue 23-Apr-13 13:22:55

Sorry but thats typical guilty behaviour.

I think you have to consider that he went much further than a 'private dance'

(Just from stories ive heard from male friends on stag doos but visiting brothels is part of the norm on these things)

Lueji Tue 23-Apr-13 13:23:39

Also thinking he is feeling guilty of something.

TurnipCake Tue 23-Apr-13 13:24:59

Guilty conscience was also my first thought. Someone else mentioned a drug comedown, also a possibility?

Something obviously happened. Maybe the groom or other married members of the got up to something they shouldn't and he feels crap about it and wrestling with whether to tell or not.

fieldfare Tue 23-Apr-13 13:26:53

My first thought would be a guilty conscience.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Tue 23-Apr-13 13:28:53

guilty conscience, whether from drugs or infidelity is irrelevant if he wont talk to you. sad

Something has happened.

whatapotatohead Tue 23-Apr-13 13:30:33

Tictac I would be very surprised if he had taken anything, the only time he has he was very ill afterwards and was certain he never wanted to try again.
A brothel, really?? These guys are all married or with long term partners would they really go that far?
I don't know what to think tbh was thinking a private dance at the worst but now sad that would be a deal breaker for me.

TippiShagpile Tue 23-Apr-13 13:33:07

I don't thing stag parties generally go to Amsterdam for the culture.

I second infidelity or drugs. My money's on infidelity. sad

Lueji Tue 23-Apr-13 13:33:58

Some men would. sad

A friend has gone with her (so called D)H to a football thing in Spain, and she says that many men (with no wives there) went looking for women.

LookingForwardToMarch Tue 23-Apr-13 13:34:42

Its what amsterdam is famous for? And yeah the impression I had was that the brothels are like one of the main attractions.

Ofcourse its also possible for married men to go there and stay faithful...but you need to ask yours some serious questions as he is definitely acting guilty.

quoteunquote Tue 23-Apr-13 13:36:33

Does he need a trip to the STD clinic?

sounds horrible, sorry but you need to feel that he is being totally open and honest with you before you risk anything, it sounds very like he has a guilty on his mind,

could he of taken anything and be on a come down?

Sorry but I'm with the others.
He did something very wrong and is feeling guilty and can't really face you or talking to you.
Sorry again.

Leavenheath Tue 23-Apr-13 13:39:59

These guys obviously don't see any problem paying for sex of some kind so why is it such a leap that they'd go to a brothel?

specialsubject Tue 23-Apr-13 13:40:26

sulking in silence is the behaviour of a toddler and doesn't really help. Kicking you in the teeth when you make him welcome isn't adult either.

did he go with a prostitute?
has he been attacked?
did he see something unpleasant?

there's no way you can know unless he tells you. BTW don't have sex with him (like you are going to!) until you find out, you need to be sure he hasn't caught anything.

I hope he grows up and talks soon.

Is there somewhere he can stay until he can come back and behave like an adult again?

I would not be happy with him acting like this and bringing you all down.

AndMiffyWentToSleep Tue 23-Apr-13 13:43:58

Sorry to say, but my money's on guilt too.

Have you spoken to the wives of any of the others? Perhaps they know something that your OH isn't telling you.

whatapotatohead Tue 23-Apr-13 13:46:56

Shit, well he certainly won't be coming near me in the near future I'm not risking an sti.
Do I give him time to come clean or try and get him to talk? Not sure I can ask him face to face without breaking down sad why do men have to be such arseholes, women go on hen night's to have a laugh with their friends and at worst a stripper might be involved and men have to risk everything to get their end away.

whatapotatohead Tue 23-Apr-13 13:50:16

No I haven't spoken to any of the other wives, only know the hen but not well enough to ask about this, I've only spoken to her a few times.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 23-Apr-13 13:53:35

Men aren't 'such arseholes' but if he was going to Amsterdam on a stag do, it's not exactly rocket science to work out why it was selected. They've been to giggle at the hookers in the windows, pay for private dances and try out the spliffs. Think you have to try to get him to come clean. A variation on the Sun Journo line might work... 'either you tell me the full story in your own words or I'll have to assume you've done something worse'

rubyrubyruby Tue 23-Apr-13 13:55:49

Please don't assume he is guilty of anything OP.

He could just be surprised and disgusted at the behaviour of some of the others he previously respected.

LookingForwardToMarch Tue 23-Apr-13 13:56:54

I would front him out.

Say something like ' Well you couldnt make it more obvious youve done something, want to admit it now or shall we continue to ignore each other until you do?'

If he is feeling that guilty he wont be able to lie very well and you'll spot it.

Sorry some blokes are that dickish they would risk their families to get their end away.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 23-Apr-13 13:59:56

Actually, you've reminded me of a story involving exH. He went to a sports event with an old mate, they had a few drinks and then the friend only went and picked up a bloke in the bar and took him home. ExH was horribly homophobic for one and thought his friend was straight for two. He looked like he'd been struck by lightning for about a week... LOL!

montage Tue 23-Apr-13 14:04:06

I would just sit down with him and tell him he needs to tell you what is wrong.

Jumping to conclusions can damage your relationship and is obviously causing you pain.

I don't think you should assume he has cheated either. My ex boyfriend went to Amsterdam and got so high he freaked out and shit himself. This is someone who smoked weed regularly at home. Do you think he wanted me to know he crapped himself!? Of course not! His friends still talked about it though so it couldn't be kept from me.

It could be absolutely anything. Maybe he thinks YOU have done something whilst he has been away!?

Cherriesarered Tue 23-Apr-13 14:05:24

Perhaps he has been attacked and feels ashamed that he put himself into a situation.

oscarwilde Tue 23-Apr-13 14:06:11

He sounds like he has a guilty conscience or is in the throes of a horrible post alcohol detox but maybe he's had an embarrassing tattoo done while in a drunken stupor? Or had his genitalia pierced and is too embarrassed to admit it? grin

Ask him, it can't be worse than you are imagining. What's most likely is that he got suckered into handing over his credit card, had some lap dances and is terrified at what is going to come up on the credit card bill when it clears after the weekend. And somewhat sick to the stomach as to what an utter moron he has been.

garlicyoni Tue 23-Apr-13 14:07:33

Apols for a bit of a random question, OP - has he come back with all his stuff? Watch, credit cards, etc? I've known men on get robbed by prostitutes abroad, and of course they don't report it.

It did also cross my mind that his pals might have done something really, truly awful ... though I don't understand why he wouldn't tell you if he wasn't involved.

Agreed - why can't stags do stuff like tank-driving instead of boozing & whoring?

garlicyoni Tue 23-Apr-13 14:08:54

Or perhaps he's just got the hangover of the century (and no clue what happened on the weekend!)

RunnerHasbeen Tue 23-Apr-13 14:09:16

It doesn't have to be infidelity, he could have got drunk and streaked down a street or slept under a bush or any number of things he is ashamed of having done. Maybe he has spent more money than he should have done... anything!

Leavenheath Tue 23-Apr-13 14:13:08

why can't stags do stuff like tank-driving instead of boozing & whoring?

Partly because the women in their lives go along with them choosing Amsterdam for stag nights and accept they'll use the sex industry while they are there, even if it's just going to a strip club. It's the 'cool wife' syndrome innit?

whatapotatohead Tue 23-Apr-13 14:18:19

Sorry can't name check everytime I try the app crashes. He knows I didn't get up to anything, how could I I was at home looking after our babies.
Nothing missing and he doesn't have a credit card.

GoSuckEggs Tue 23-Apr-13 14:24:32

it sounds like he has been up to something naughty. you need to ask him!

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Tue 23-Apr-13 14:29:12

Awful behaviour towards you, OP. There's no point in us second guessing what's happened - although the first thought that jumped into my mind was guilty conscience too.

I would try something along the lines of "I know something's happened while you were away, or you wouldn't be treating me like this. Can't you talk to me about it?"

Try a sympathetic approach first - if that doesn't work, well I'd be of the 'packing his bags' variety myself - to give him some space - but that's me, not necessarily right for you.

Lueji Tue 23-Apr-13 14:30:58

I agree that regardless of the reason, he shouldn't be like that towards you.

Sooner rather than later, you should tell him that he's not on and he should either come clean or stop behaving like that. Going away to cool off sounds good. smile

meditrina Tue 23-Apr-13 14:42:36

My guess is guilty conscience. What sort of action leads to guilt depends on the individual man and his moral compass. It could be what he's spent, what he's consumed, whether he's been arrested, or whether he's been with a prostitute.

You do need to find out.

But if it is random shag, at least there's the small mercy that he's not put your health at risk by carrying on as usual. If there is music to be faced, better done quickly.

Dahlen Tue 23-Apr-13 14:47:31

I'm afraid my money is on something sexual. The fact that he's avoiding sharing a bed with the OP while she's awake is the giveaway.

It's possible that something has happened to him (e.g. male rape) that he's not ready to talk about, of course, but given the circumstances it's far, far more likely that he's been with a prostitute and is worrying about passing on an STI.

Or he could have done nothing other than had a heart to heart with the groom about the nature of marriage and LTRs and be seriously questioning his relationship with the OP as a result.

Either way, this needs to be brought out into the open and discussed NOW.

Loulybelle Tue 23-Apr-13 14:54:34

Hes guilty about something, what i can say, but hes got guilt on his mind.

LookingForwardToMarch Tue 23-Apr-13 15:11:45

Op have you said anything to him yet?

whatapotatohead Tue 23-Apr-13 15:22:43

lookingforward, I have asked.him several times if he's ok, what's the matter etc but haven't spoken to him about it today, he's at work so will have to wait until the kids are in bed tonight trying to sit on my hands and stop myself texting him to ask if he's going yo talk to me about whats wrong or if he's just going to let me keep thinkin the worst.

CuChullain Tue 23-Apr-13 15:24:55

Christ some of you here are quick to jump on the infidelity bandwagon, you are like vultures circling a weak animal. He is probably feeling absolutely rotten after drinking his bodyweight in booze and not in the humour to engage in chit chat. I was on a stag bash in Amsterdam last month and strangely enough all the married and attached men had no interest in sex shows or lap dances. Most people had jobs to return to on monday and being wasted on drugs was not an option either. It did take me about 3 days to get over my trip as I felt awful after a 48 hour sleep deprived booze and junk food fueled weekend. Lucky my girlfriend has a sense of humour and just took the piss out of me for my self inflicted state. Likewise when she returned from a hen bash feeling crap and non chatty I did not assume she had been sucking cock all weekend.

whatapotatohead Tue 23-Apr-13 15:30:08

I am not jumping to conclusions because he is suffering from a hangover, that I could deal with, the silent treatment, refusal to speak to me but being totally normal, playful and interested in the children and chatty on the phone to everyone else is telling me he has a problem with me or our relationship, not a hangover. if he was feeling rough he would be sleeping it off as he usually does, not avoiding coming to bed until he knows I am asleep.

rubyrubyruby Tue 23-Apr-13 15:30:31

Well said CuC smile

dontyouwantmebaby Tue 23-Apr-13 15:31:05

OP - I'd pretty much be fuming by now about his silent treatment and I'm afraid I'd have snapped and asked him what the hell is wrong/why is he not coming to bed with me/why staying up till 1am (if this is unusual for him) etc.

There's a lot of speculation going on in this thread but you just need to ask him. If he is reticent then I'd say you're not putting up with this type of behaviour.

Whilst true that some blokes on stag do's go along with the herd and go to brothels/sex shows, there really are many who don't. Often in large groups there'll be a natural divide between those who are predominantly there for drinking/drugs/sex and people tend to hang out mainly with the group they fall into iyswim. OOf course that's a generalisation and depends on the dynamic of the group and yes, I know some blokes will fall into all 3 of those too. But not all blokes cheat, not even on stag do's.

Hope you get to the bottom of it soon.

BitBewildered Tue 23-Apr-13 15:34:59

Yes, all women want to do is 'suck cock' CuChullain hmm

givemeaclue Tue 23-Apr-13 15:41:24

I think you are jumping to conclusions. He is prob just feeling rough.

CuChullain Tue 23-Apr-13 15:41:59

@BitBewildered

Well done for spectacularly missing the point.

meditrina Tue 23-Apr-13 15:44:11

If it was jut a hang over, why did he say he was fine yet dish out the cold shoulder treatment, rather than just ruefully admit it and withdraw to sleep it off?

Loulybelle Tue 23-Apr-13 15:45:55

I very much doubt its a hangover, if hes perfectly normal to everyone else, and giving only OP the silent treatment.

Dahlen Tue 23-Apr-13 15:46:11

OP lives with her DP. She knows what he's like when he's "just feeling rough". Give her some credit for believing that something about this is different.

The point is that he is acting bizarrely and the op is wondering why.

Presumably, ignoring her completely while behaving nicely with their kids and friends, is out of the ordinary in their relationship (and in most relationships) and she is concerned.

Why dismiss her concerns?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 23-Apr-13 15:47:24

@CuChullain...I think BitBewildered entirely got your point. You're the one spectacularly missing the point of the OP.

whatapotatohead Tue 23-Apr-13 15:48:15

meditrina that's my point exactly, I was fully prepared for him to come home feeling awful and spend atleast all of Monday in bed recovering, I would nit have minded this at all, he works bloody hard and deserves to have some down time but his behavior towards me is not right, if he was just hungover he would be off with everyone not just me sad

ZZZenagain Tue 23-Apr-13 15:48:50

trust your instincts. Hope you find out what it is all about.

BitBewildered Tue 23-Apr-13 15:52:47

CuChullain it wasn't your point I disagreed with, it was your choice of sexual activity. Personally I would choose to receive rather than give oral sex. Like many other people. So ner!

CuChullain Tue 23-Apr-13 15:52:49

@meditrina

He is saying he is fine as he probably does not want to make a big deal out of it and the last he wants to do is 'talk about it' or be bombarded with text messages while he drags his arse through a painfully long Monday at work. Yes, his behaviour is being pretty self indulgent and inconsiderate and when he shapes up he owes the OP some serious spoiling.

BitBewildered Tue 23-Apr-13 15:56:26

Yes, OP, it sounds as though he's making a point of being off with you. I think you're going to have to make it plain that his behaviour is upsetting you, and you're thinking the worst. sad

CuChullain Tue 23-Apr-13 16:00:55

@BitBewildered

Fair enough, apologies for snapping!

meditrina Tue 23-Apr-13 16:04:23

CuChullain OP has seen him through hangovers before this, and he's out of character this time. And if he wanted peace and quiet, why not just say so? And why single OP out?

OP: I hope it proves to be something embarrassing, like an arrest for streaking.

whatapotatohead Tue 23-Apr-13 16:06:56

CuC I have not bombarded him with texts, I just said I am trying not to text to try and sort this out because I am really upset and think if I try and talk to him face to face I will fall apart. it is now Tuesday and he has still not spoken to me but is fine with everyone else, do you think this is just a hangover that he doesn't want to talk about?

hairtearing Tue 23-Apr-13 16:16:39

Oh god op this must be awful for you. Tbh I would have snapped by now and been like now then, and I actually would text him and say "your making it obvious you have done something you want to admit now or throw away our relationship?" I think you need to not allow yourself to be ignored. Update us op.

Leavenheath Tue 23-Apr-13 16:18:59

when he shapes up he owes the OP some serious spoiling.

Why oh why do dickwads think that women will excuse any old crap as long as someone 'spoils' them afterwards?

Occasional lurker, but I'm amazed we haven't had a post yet recommending the OP goes on a 'spa weekend' to get even.

As if that helps.

He's talking to everyone else OP.

So no it's got nothing to do with being hungover and everything to do with him and whatever problem he has and is not telling you about.

That is no way to behave to be honest, especially as you've done nothing & it makes it look like he's done something whilst away.

He needs confronting, asap.

Good luck thanks

(I was trying not to post too but this is really not normal and suggests something serious...even if it's not, which is wildly unfair on you. I'd be raging at being treated like that for a sustained period and am raging on your behalf actually, but i've had no sleep in ages so take that with a pinch of salt )

Dont text - I know yor not going to anyway but don't.

Wait until you are face to face...

CuChullain Tue 23-Apr-13 16:31:26

@Leavenheath

"Why oh why do dickwads think that women will excuse any old crap as long as someone 'spoils' them afterwards?"

And where have I said that women should excuse "any old crap" with a bit of spoiling. Talk about taking my post out of context!

LookingForwardToMarch Tue 23-Apr-13 16:32:45

I second that. You'll want to be face to face when you say something op.

And you need to be face to face. You can tell a lot more mainly whether or not they're lying from asking outright and seeing how they react.

BlingLoving Tue 23-Apr-13 16:34:57

I think it is definitely a bit weird, but I agree you should not jump to conclusions. I know that DH has had moments where he's a bit quiet with me because he knows something that he wants to tell me but that he feels uncomfortable sharing about a friend. So it might well be something like that. Or he's working through his own feelings about activities in Amsterdam.

Definitely get him to talk to you tonight. As someone said up thread - tell him that if he doesn't talk to you you won't be able to help but assume the worst.

bigbuttons Tue 23-Apr-13 16:42:27

OP, I would talk to him tonight. Don't ask if he's ok anymore. Tell him what he is doing to make you upset. If he denies it, which it might well do, tell him no you are not imagining it and you don't like his behaviour.
Good luck, I shall be watching this with interest!

bigbuttons Tue 23-Apr-13 16:43:48

Also it's plainly obvious that this is about his relationship with YOU and you alone. For whatever reason what he did/experienced in Amsterdam has affected his relationship with YOU only.

Am quite nervous for you OP. I'd be imaging all sorts by now and dying to get a real answer. Not that it helps, just trying to empathize!

Fingers crossed for you!

whatapotatohead Tue 23-Apr-13 17:17:27

I am imagining all sorts, trying to keep smiling for the sake of the children but counting down the minutes until I can go to bed sad
I am not very good with confrontation

Are you seeing him tonight OP though?

And you're just asking him what it's about, so it may not turn as ugly as you imagine and if it does then maybe you'll want to think twice about what he was up to...but cross that bridge if/when you come to it

And he can't tell you he's fine. Don't take that for an answer...as he's blatantly not hmm

kittybiscuits Tue 23-Apr-13 17:26:28

He's done something. He sounds really freaked out. What's he been like re showering/being naked? Has he perhaps got a love bite or scratches and is bricking it in case you see them? If this is the case he will be in a total state until they've gone, at which point he will miraculously recover. Can you catch him naked? Turn the fuse off when he's in the shower or something?

ChocsAwayInMyGob Tue 23-Apr-13 17:30:07

It does sound suspicious OP but don't assume its infidelity until you know and have confronted him.

Whatever it is, he is being very rude and obviously singling you out for the silent treatment. This is very unfair and a form of emotional bullying. Get it all out in the open as soon as you can. You'll find lots of support on here if you need to let off steam.

LittleMissLucy Tue 23-Apr-13 17:32:48

I just wanted to add, without wanting to be too negative, that if he does tell you what has happened, if he is then relieved of his guilt, don't be surprised if he feels suddenly after confessing, like he wants to "move on from it" quickly, while you are still reeling from the information. Its like the burden is shifted from him to you, as it were. Just speaking from one past experience of a very, very similar sounding situation. (in our case it was a drunken snog he had, in a nightclub, pre-marriage...)

YoniMcShoni Tue 23-Apr-13 17:40:27

~*kittybiscuits * I bet my bottom dollar that you are right and he is trying to hide the evidence of dirty deeds. And by being horrible to you there is no fear you will try to get him naked and expose whatever it is he is hiding.

He needs to be confronted to get this out in the open.

ToomuchWaternotWine Tue 23-Apr-13 17:53:32

Wishing you strength for tonight, OP, and remember the best rule when tackling this type of thing, ask the questions you need to ask and then be silent. Watch his reactions, body language, and listen to his tone - defensive, angry, turning it back on you? Or genuinely upset, contrite, honest? Don't be afraid of silence, don't try to fill the gaps. Let him tell you, and show you if he is being upfront.

kittybiscuits Tue 23-Apr-13 17:54:37

that's great advice waternotwine! yes OP, less is more!

CajaDeLaMemoria Tue 23-Apr-13 17:57:49

I hope this turns out okay, OP. Whatever he's done, MN is full of people who will help you deal with it.

Or if he's just being an arse but that seems so unlikely.

Fragglewump Tue 23-Apr-13 17:58:35

Just hand holding - stay string tonight x

WorrySighWorrySigh Tue 23-Apr-13 18:06:01

Dont be surprised if the truth is less than you imagine. If he doesnt normally take drugs and has done so then he may well have fallen a long way down in his own estimation. Same for getting pant wettingly drunk. Same for going to a peep show.

It is also quite possible that a friend or friends have done any/all of the above and he is struggling with it. Having sex with a random isnt restricted to men. I have known it happen on hen weekends as well (the bride!).

It is also quite possible as a PP mentioned that he had a heart to heart with a friend and is seeing something/one in a different light.

I hope that you are able to get to the bottom of this and that ultimately it isnt too painful.

Chandon Tue 23-Apr-13 18:13:01

I would also bet on guilt.

If my DH feels guilty about any selfish behaviour, he starts out with being "off" with me, which then leads to a big row, and big apologies from him later.

He is trying to make you feel bad, and that is really not on.

You know what they'll have been up to during a stag do in Amsterdam anyway, don't you.

Ahhhcrap Tue 23-Apr-13 18:36:26

Good luck OP, I'd bit let it drop tonight until I'd heard the truth.

As others have said, my dh is off with me too if he's guilty of something or trying to hide something.

Hope you get it sorted

quietlysuggests Tue 23-Apr-13 19:02:32

Is there any chance that someone told him some sort of terrible lie about you OP?
Otherwise his behaviour is so deeply suspicious.

MorrisZapp Tue 23-Apr-13 19:05:28

Great advice re the silence thing. I do that to dp sometimes and it totally backfoots him. Ask, then listen.

Distrustinggirlnow Tue 23-Apr-13 19:22:04

Didn't want to read and run, but this does sound a bit suspicious OP. I think you need to trust your instincts.

Also echoing what someone else said, ask him then be quiet. He will be quiet too and the temptation to fill the silence is overwhelming. Don't ......

Also be prepared for him to minimise whatever it is he has done.

Am thinking of you thanks

StuffezLaYoni Tue 23-Apr-13 19:25:19

I really hope you get a straight answer, OP.
An ex of mine behaved similarly after a city break with his brother. I KNEW something had happened but forced the feelings away. Of course he had and I felt a total idiot for not facing it at once. I wish I had sat down in front of him and said calmly, "do not insult me by lying, I know something happened while you were away. You have once chance to tell me the truth."
Either way, you don't deserve this stupid silent treatment.

UterusUterusGhali Tue 23-Apr-13 20:46:38

What had happened, stuffez?

happyfreeconfused Tue 23-Apr-13 20:58:09

I really don't know if I would trust any man on a stag do in Amsterdam.

happyfreeconfused Tue 23-Apr-13 20:58:55

And there is that whole 'what goes on tour stays on tour' mentality that men share so it is possible you may never find out what really happened.

StuffezLaYoni Tue 23-Apr-13 21:05:29

Er, well he had fucked some vile girl on his trip away. Then when I went to visit my family for Christmas he invited her down to my empty house and shagged her in my bed.
When we broke up he got arrested for criminal damage and assault and i did a little internal jig. Fucking bastard.
Worth noting though, he never admitted a single thing originally, but I knew something was wrong. I looked in his emails and found the truth and don't regret it for a second.

Oh and I made it worse by emailing the OW and her reply was a foul mouthed, illiterate rant. She was thick as shit and that hurt a LOT.

toffeelolly Tue 23-Apr-13 21:07:28

Must be feeling guilty about something, hope you get answer's soon.

Loulybelle Tue 23-Apr-13 21:10:02

Yoni, i hope you burned those sheets, vile bastard.

StuffezLaYoni Tue 23-Apr-13 21:12:56

Shamefully, I tried to cling on to the relationship, totally shamed myself and in the end it was him who did the dumping. I will never, EVER be treated that way by a man again.

I feel bad, I'm derailing. Genuinely hoping for a good outcome for the OP, nobody should have to exist with this awful uncertain sick feeling in their gut.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Tue 23-Apr-13 21:17:40

hope you get some answers this evening OP.

And whatever the outcome you come back and get support.

Coconutty Tue 23-Apr-13 21:18:48

Look, you need to speak to him and get to the bottom of it. We can all speculate on what is up but that's all it is until he tells you.

dontmeanto Tue 23-Apr-13 21:19:35

My ex acted exactly the same after going to a festival with his mates. Couldn't even look me in the eye...it was infidelity.

But OP that doesn't mean it is in your case. Stay strong x

ThenWeTakeBerlin Tue 23-Apr-13 21:27:48

I can't stress enough that if he's done anything sexual with another woman, even if not full intercourse, you should really get tested.

Hope you're ok, OP.

Cherriesarered Tue 23-Apr-13 21:30:32

Stuffezlayoni:

You haven't derailed, your have opened your heart. What a wanker!!!

I am glad that my socially inept husband has never gobe on one of these vile do's, they only end in tears!

SweetSeraphim Tue 23-Apr-13 21:31:37

Oh Stuffez sad

OP, I hope you're ok. Trust your instincts.

Could he have been arrested for something while away and doesn't want to tell you? Might not be a sexual thing.

hairtearing Wed 24-Apr-13 09:07:41

Argh, come back OP, hope things aren't bad over there.

grumpyinthemorning Wed 24-Apr-13 09:51:31

You do need to find out what happened, but try not to assume the worst. Despite the overwhelming opinion on this thread, not all men will cheat on a stag do, even if it is in Amsterdam. Be firm, tell him he can tell you what's going on or he can bugger off until he will tell you.

YoniMatopoeia Wed 24-Apr-13 09:58:23

Hope you are ok op.

I got treated like this by an ex after he had been away with work. The next stage was for him to list my 'faults' when I asked what was wrong. At which stage I asked him who he had been seeing/shagging.

I hope you can get to the bottom of it.

Branleuse Wed 24-Apr-13 10:02:20

just ask him what the fuck is going on, and why is he acting so shifty.

If he was just acting down or depressed, id assume it was a major comedown. E comedowns can be horrendous, and thats not hard to get hold of.
Since hes actually acting guilty and not coming to bed though, i probably would assume infidelity.
Its hardly unheard of. Id be wanting him to convince me it wasnt pretty sharpish, not avoiding eye contact

MTBMummy Wed 24-Apr-13 10:08:43

I hope you're ok OP

LookingForwardToMarch Wed 24-Apr-13 10:50:08

Hoping your ok op

TobyLerone Wed 24-Apr-13 11:06:06

Did you talk to him, OP?

CuChullain Wed 24-Apr-13 11:07:24

@happyfreeconfused

"I really don't know if I would trust any man on a stag do in Amsterdam."

Well thats a pretty stupid thing to say, it is possible you know for a married/attached man to go to such a place and not be remotely tempted by what is on offer be it sex shows/drugs/prostitution etc. Amsterdam does have some cracking bars and clubs though which is pretty much where I spent most of my time when I was there on a recent stag bash.

TobyLerone Wed 24-Apr-13 11:13:41

Meh.

These threads are always stupid. There is always name-calling (of other posters, men and other women) and always manic insecurity.

I always hope that the OPs can pick out the good advice from the projection and hysteria.

Orchidlady Wed 24-Apr-13 11:20:11

tbh honest after reading a book about a girl sold into sex slavery in Amsterdam it beggars belief why anybody man or woman would go there, it is pretty disgusting. OP I hope you are ok?

hairtearing Wed 24-Apr-13 11:25:39

Come back op!

CuChullain Wed 24-Apr-13 11:35:46

@Orchidlady

"tbh honest after reading a book about a girl sold into sex slavery in Amsterdam it beggars belief why anybody man or woman would go there, it is pretty disgusting."

You do realise that there is more to Amsterdam then just the sex trade right?

Dahlen Wed 24-Apr-13 11:41:08

I've been to Amsterdam. It's a beautiful city and as CuChullain says it has far more about it than cannabis and sex.

However, unless the stag party consisted of art or history buffs, I would assume the worst about their reasons for selecting that particular destination.

Orchidlady Wed 24-Apr-13 11:44:52

Yes I do,but men do not go to Amsterdam for a stag weekend for the architecture. The whole idea actually sickens me.

Orchidlady Wed 24-Apr-13 11:47:01

grin @ dahlen my point exactly

CuChullain Wed 24-Apr-13 12:06:59

@Dahlen

"I've been to Amsterdam. It's a beautiful city and as CuChullain says it has far more about it than cannabis and sex.

However, unless the stag party consisted of art or history buffs, I would assume the worst about their reasons for selecting that particular destination."

Your average stag party will consist of young and old, single and attached. In my experience having attended a dozen or so stag weekends over the years is that during the day and early evening everyone stays within the group while they go paint balling or go karting and reamin together for the first few pubs while the stag is made to drink silly shots, dress up like an idiot or work his way through a list of silly tasks. As the evening wears on more often or not the group splinters into the 'hardcore' party animals and the ones who are happy to just chill in a bar and nurse several beers and talk shite all night. Usually it is the latter group that consists of the married and attached ones who simply have no interest in lap dances and the like. Places like Amsterdam do not place visitors under some magic spell where your behavior suddenly morphs from being loving considerate faithful partners into cheating drug fueled arsehole overnight. Cheaters will always find a way to cheat, be it back in their home town or while away with the boys. The same goes with drugs, the people I saw taking drugs in Amsterdam were the same people who were popping pills back home.

I am sure much can be the same for hen dos.

ChocsAwayInMyGob Wed 24-Apr-13 12:09:15

Dahlen, it's usually the best man or groom who chooses the destination, i don't think the guests are the ones insisting on location.

My DH went on a stag do to Amsterdam. He says lapdancing clubs and strippers make him feel embarrassed and awkward. I see his point. I saw a male stripper once and it was just repulsive. As far from erotic as it is possible to be.

So yes, some men do go there for sex, but not all men.

whatapotatohead Wed 24-Apr-13 12:09:40

Sorry its taken so long to get back, didn't get very far last night, I said we needed to talk but then the phone rang, it was his mum and she was on ages by which time the baby had woken up. when I came back downstairs he was being super nice to me and everytime I tried to talk he just kept saying "let's just have a nice evening, we can talk later" I got fed up and said I was going to bed and when he was ready to talk he should come up. He came up lay on his side and went to sleep sad

ChocsAwayInMyGob Wed 24-Apr-13 12:13:18

Hmm, so no progress really OP. I would start giving an ultimatum. You must be so unhappy until you know more and it's not fair of him to mess with your head.

You deserve an honest exchange and explanation.

ThenWeTakeBerlin Wed 24-Apr-13 12:15:58

I think you need to persist, OP. you deserve an exclamation.

ThenWeTakeBerlin Wed 24-Apr-13 12:16:31

*explanation

thistlelicker Wed 24-Apr-13 12:16:42

:-( tonight is the night if the phone rings ignore it!!!

nipersvest Wed 24-Apr-13 12:26:02

he's avoiding, hoping you'll forget and let it drop. personally, i would pursue this, your gut instinct is saying something's up, don't let him doubt yourself. he'll start behaving normally and make out it was all in your mind.

nipersvest Wed 24-Apr-13 12:26:59

- don't let him make you doubt yourself

SanityClause Wed 24-Apr-13 12:27:40

I think you'll need to use the "As you won't speak to me, I'm assuming the worst" line.

He can't just brush it under the carpet by acting "nice".

Loulybelle Wed 24-Apr-13 12:34:19

Keep on at about it, hes wanting you to drop it, dont let him, you deserve an answer for his shittiness.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Wed 24-Apr-13 12:35:46

So talking to you is not having a nice evening.

Lovely.

If nothing happened, why avoid speaking to your partner. sad

I am still hoping for some massive misunderstanding, but he is acting rather strangely. ((((Hugs))))

Blatherskite Wed 24-Apr-13 12:35:50

That would drive me bonkers. I'd be fearing the worst too I think sad

Dahlen Wed 24-Apr-13 12:36:28

I agree that destinations don't change behaviour, but the choice of destination is a reflection on the underlying personality in the first place.

Stag dos in 'stag-do hotspots' abroad are noticeable for their difference to local-based stag dos or trips to more off-the-beaten-track destinations abroad. Stag dos in places like Amsterdam are dominated by the 'hardcore' type you refer to. Which isn't to say that there aren't more diverse stag dos who have chosen Amsterdam for it one of its other core attractions, such as good cycling, history or art. No mention of these interests has been made by the OP however.

I remember a few weeks ago a thread (possibly yours OP?) about an upcoming stag do in Amsterdam, and similar pro/anti statements being made then. The fact that we now have a thread after a stag do in Amsterdam where the OP is miserable and being treated badly by her DP speaks volumes.

AThingInYourLife Wed 24-Apr-13 12:43:18

"However, unless the stag party consisted of art or history buffs, I would assume the worst about their reasons for selecting that particular destination."

Really?

God, it's such a beautiful, amazing city with so much to do.

Plus it's nearby.

And you can have a little joint of an afternoon.

There are so many good reasons to go there in a big group.

I'm sure it's not just vile scumbags who buy women's bodies that go there.

Let's just have a nice evening?

Oh yes, lovely evening having to continue to guess why he's not talking to you and if he's shagged someone else isn't it hmm

If he doesn't talk to you then assume the worst...he'll soon start talking, or show himself up.

hairtearing Wed 24-Apr-13 12:54:45

I would use the line SanityClause suggested.

Xales Wed 24-Apr-13 13:17:19

Well I was willing to give him the benefit of doubt,just being knackered etc.

He is however treating you shittily now.

You seem to need to spell it out clearly.

He has treated you like shit since he came back. You have done SFA to deserve it. It stops now and he tells you why or there is the door and hope it hits him on the arse on the way out.

HighJinx Wed 24-Apr-13 14:36:08

Stag dos in places like Amsterdam are dominated by the 'hardcore' type you refer to.

Really? Based on what?

I live in Amsterdam and there are plenty of stag and hen groups that come to the city and enjoy things like the Heineken Museum and hiring bikes or going on a cycling bar when you sit at a large table and pedal your way around the city. The bars and nightclubs are full of people enjoying a weekend break in a different city. They may go to a coffee shop for a spliff or wander through the red light district for a look but an awful lot of these groups end up nowhere more sinister than a dutch bar drinking cheap beer. I have friends who work in the tourist industry across the city and they are often talk about stag groups never leaving their bars from 2pm to closing time.

I agree that some people who come are the 'hardcore' types you are referring to, but dominated by? I would like to see more evidence of that. There may be a lot of bravado as they board the EasyJet flight and a bit of 'go on' as they walk past the girls in the windows but in reality most of them do little more than just have a look, smoke some weed and drink too much.

Plenty of people go to Amsterdam to go clubbing and smoke weed. Lots of people find that fun! Plenty of men aren't interested in strip clubs or prostitutes. There is a lot more to Amsterdam than the red light district.

madonnawhore Wed 24-Apr-13 15:24:18

Maybe call his bluff? Sit him down, look him in the eye and tell him you know what went on in Amsterdam. Then don't say anything else and watch his reaction.

TobyLerone Wed 24-Apr-13 15:25:28

No. Don't lie. Keep your dignity and just ask him what's going on.

madonnawhore Wed 24-Apr-13 15:37:41

He owes you an explanation for his shitty behaviour since he got back.

Make sure you get one.

BornInACrossFireHurricane Wed 24-Apr-13 15:38:15

Don't let him worm his way out of talking to you again- you need answers TODAY.

bleedingheart Wed 24-Apr-13 15:44:42

Amsterdam is not really the issue. The OP's partner went away, came back and behaved strangely and is making her scared and upset. It could've been Morecombe or Paris or Worcester. It's the OP's partner that is at fault and if he doesn't want her to suspect infidelity, he needs to speak up and discuss things. I could not possibly live in this situation.

madonnawhore Wed 24-Apr-13 15:52:43

I have to say I'd be thinking he'd shagged someone - probably a prostitute. And it all seemed like fun and games while they were out there, but now that he's back to reality he's feeling disgusted and ashamed.

And I might even go one further and say that, in order to assuage his guilt, he's treating you like the bad guy with the silent treatment. So that when you finally crack he can turn it around on you and say you're the one with the problem.

Last night's 'nice evening' was an attempt to start brushing things under the carpet. Well done for standing your ground and refusing to be manipulated. Stay strong and demand the answers you need.

Don't forget, you don't even need to wait to see what he's going to say or do. If at any time you feel like you've had enough of his shit then you can always decide to call your own shots.

2anddone Wed 24-Apr-13 15:59:05

I would like to think he has gone away on a stag do, been surrounded by people talking about weddings and joking he is next and now thinking about your relationship. He may be thinking about taking the next step and asking you to marry him, or he may be questioning if he is happy how he is. Have you dropped any hints about wanting to get married? Does he maybe feel pressured? Don't worry OP a change in behaviour doesnt always mean infidelity x

ChocsAwayInMyGob Wed 24-Apr-13 16:13:46

Dahlem- as others have stated upthread, just because men go to Amsterdam doesn't mean they are plotting to shag around. Some men will cheat whether it's Amsterdam or the local Travelodge. Others wouldn't dream of it, even if they were in Amsterdam.

When my DH went he said everyone got drunk, there's a was nice relaxed vibe about the city, one bloke tried weed for the first time and was asleep by 9pm, and that it was a very beautiful city that I would like.
Nobody shagged a prostitute.

If someone is unfaithful blame the person not the city.

Charbon Wed 24-Apr-13 16:38:14

Late to this thread but I'm not quite sure why there are so many people insisting that other men go on Stag Weekends to Amsterdam for experiences outwith the Sex Industry, when the OP herself has posted that she fully expected her partner to visit a strip club while there. And she was okay with that, unfortunately.

I just can't believe he's behaving this way towards the OP. It's beyond cruel, all things considered though I'd have given him two options already by now (explain yourself or leave...or both if it's something like infidelity).

Easier to day from the outside I know. Frustrated for the OP really.

Charbon Wed 24-Apr-13 16:42:28

Posted too soon!

It looks to me as though the OP's partner is manipulating her fear of confrontation and probably his power in the relationship and there is probably some real fear in the OP about pressing this issue and finding out information that will require some action and decisions on her part.

*say hmm

OP, please consider making him tell you later. There is no excuse for this behavior, whatever happened & he owes you an explanation.

And agree ^ He bloody knows OP wants to avoid one & just be told and is playing that to the max.

Also, the part where he said let's just have a nice evening etc is very manipulative in itself & is not painting this man in the greatest light...

Blondeshavemorefun Wed 24-Apr-13 17:01:29

you really need to talk, but you know this - does seem weird/strange that dp is avoiding trying to talk

but dont assume that hes guilty yet

my dh had his stag do in amsterdam and his best friends was also there

yes they went to a strip club, no the married/attached ones didnt have lap dances/be unfaithful - they had a few beers/chilled and that was it

and yes i beleive him as otherwise what is the point of a relatioship - tho admittedly if he behaved like your dp i would wonder why and want to know why

tho the single one did

cuchullian i agree - if someone is going to be unfaithful they will - they dont think wow a stag/hen do i must get my legover

whatapotatohead Wed 24-Apr-13 17:06:30

I am scared of the truth, although I can deal with him being in a strip club (which I now know 100% he has, the fool left a box of matches from there in his coat pocket) I will struggle if he has spent our family money on a private dance and there will be no relationship if he has gone further than that, easily said but that leaves me alone with two children and no income (sahm) so whilst this is torture I am scared the alternative will be worse.
I owe it to my children to grow a pair and find out the truth.

whatapotatohead Wed 24-Apr-13 17:08:18

I know a stag do doesn't have to result in cheating, if it wasn't for his behavior on his return everything would be fine

Loulybelle Wed 24-Apr-13 17:09:23

Facing a future of a single parent, is a damn sight better than the future of wondering your living with a bare faced liar, you deserve better than the shitty treatment hes been giving you, you deserve the truth, no one has the right to treat you like an idiot, and your certainly dont have to accept it.

Horrid position to be in. sad

I hope you can have a talk tonight. If he keeps on in this way would you be comfortable talking to any of the other partners? Are they your friends?

PeterParkerSays Wed 24-Apr-13 17:16:22

Potatohead can you see your bank details online to see how much money has been spent and where?

Distrustinggirlnow Wed 24-Apr-13 17:17:46

I do sympathise OP I really do. This time last year I was finding things out about my OH that I really had no idea about and I had to instigate that very difficult (for me) conversation.

You need to sit him down, look him in the eye, ask him, then be quiet. Maybe use the box of matches as your starting block....

Something like,
"You've been acting differently since you got back from Amsterdam. I thought you might be tired and hungover smile
But these fell out of your coat (hold out matches) and now I don't know what to think. We've never had secrets before and I'm worried you're hiding some thing."

Good luck OP

whatapotatohead Wed 24-Apr-13 17:19:11

loulybelle I know sad
I don't know any of the other partners only met the hen q handful of times but not well enough to ask and possibly spoil her relationship.
he took cash so there will be nothing on bank statements unfortunately.

Branleuse Wed 24-Apr-13 17:23:03

I love Amsterdam for the vibe, the beauty and the weed.
the red light bit is tiny and I don't know anyone that has gone there for that. it's mostly about the smoke.

however it's his behavior that makes me think infidelity not the location

You owe it to yourself to find out the truth of this whole sorry situation. You need to ask him straight out what went on over there even though you are afraid of the truth (and perhaps your reactions).

Also your children will pick up on how unhappy you are.

givemeaclue Wed 24-Apr-13 17:33:25

For goodness sake its probably nothing! If he did anything he would prob be being extra nice, I think there are a lot of scaremongers on this thread

everythinghippie29 Wed 24-Apr-13 17:36:13

I really feel for you OP, I genuinely hope its just over guilt about actually going to the strip club and nothing more than that.

I agree with the other posters, you need to bite the bullet and have it out with him. It may take some time but I've found gut instinct and being a bit 'dog with a bone' is the only way to deal with someone who doesn't want to come clean about something.

Sometimes badgering for the truth is the only way to get it.

I hope its something simple and doesn't have any long lasting impact. hugs

maleview70 Wed 24-Apr-13 17:54:21

"I don't know anyone who went there for that"

Why would a bunch of blokes go to Amsterdam on a stag do if it wasn't partly for that?

I have been 3 times on a stag and everytime it has involved a trip to the red light area and all that entails. Some lads indulged some didn't. Some were married/attached.

One thing that strikes me is the almost bringing it to your attention reaction.

If I had done that (which i havent) I would certainly not be behaving any differently. I would go out of my way to act as normally as possible as some did the lads who did participate. None of their partners are any the wiser as far as I know.

It may be more that he has witnessed what went on and has now been sworn to secrecy....remember "loose lips sink ships"

Lads don't want to let their mates down and sometimes struggle with the concept of keeping stum but they know that if they blab it could bring someone's world crashing down whether deserved or not.

He may well have not cheated. There are not actually that many strip clubs in the red light area. It's just window to window prostitutes all charging 50 euro and if blokes are that way inclined anyway they are likely to pay the 50 rather than 20 odd for a dance with no touching as that's generally the rule.

You need to ask him though as the silence is killing you.

givemeaclue according to OP, he's been fine with everyone but her and his reaction (when he said can we not talk & just have a nice evening) suggests he knows full well he's being off with her & somethings up but he doesn't want to discuss it with her.

How is saying that OP deserves better and pointing out it's seriously shit behavior that implies something has happened whilst away scaremongering? hmm

I know the alternative isn't great OP but you deserve to know what the hell is going on (and the truth at that, no BS).

Good luck, you can do it thanks

Charbon Wed 24-Apr-13 18:25:53

Knowing about disloyal and infidelitous behaviour doesn't 'spoil' relationships.

Disloyal and infidelitous behaviour is responsible for that.

garlicyoni Wed 24-Apr-13 18:31:14

It's peculiar, this happens on threads about stag trips to other known sex-tourism hotspots as well.

OP: My partner's giving me the silent treatment, avoiding me in the bedroom, won't make eye contact, denies anything's wrong.

MN: How's he behaving around other people? What preceded this mistreatment?

OP: Fine & dandy, he's only blanking me. He's been on a stag trip.

MN: There's nothing wrong with Amsterdam/Tallinn/Bangkok! Lots of men go there for the architecture! Perhaps he's got a tummy bug or [insert other unlikely cause of unilateral shit behaviour.]

confused How is that supposed to help an OP with a suddenly dismal relationship, exactly?

Couldn't people try and keep their travelogue contributions for the travel threads, and make relationship comments on Relationships?

Sorry, OP, no specific advice for you except to be tougher and more persistent than you ever thought you could be: you don't deserve this treatment and do deserve to know why he's giving it out.

Pinkyorkbunny Wed 24-Apr-13 18:33:51

Let's just say that he had a private dance at one of these clubs, paid for a lady but got a ladyboy and just doesn't want to say?

garlicyoni Wed 24-Apr-13 18:36:02

D'you know, Pinky, I deleted a reply that said this is what happened to the most traumatised stag I've ever seen! Actually, that man went with a female prostitute who turned out to have a penis.

He totally failed to see the funny side.

GilmoursPillow Wed 24-Apr-13 18:41:23

I hope you're getting some answers OP, whether the one's you were hoping for or not. I can only imagine how nervous you must be feeling not knowing what he's going to say.

bumhead Wed 24-Apr-13 19:12:00

I feel sick for the poor women Maleview mentioned whose partners used prostitutes while on a stag do and who trust them and don't know they did this. sad
Op you have to find out tonight what happened. You can't go through another day of this and you don't deserve to. xxx

carmenelectra Wed 24-Apr-13 19:21:21

Its very sweet how so many people can come up with an innocent explanation(may be asking her to marry him for heavens sake) but unless my dp told me differently and convincingly I'd be thinking the worst.

Amsterdam for fucks sake on a stag do. I don't care what anyone says its not for the culture. If so, why not go to Rome or Venice! The weed- well u can get weed or any other drug pretty easy in the Uk too. Yes I guess there are some men who would go to Amsterdam for the culture/arcitecture but I'm guessing they aint the type to go on stag weekends anyway.

I would imagine much of it it bravado but I bet most stag weekends are arranged for Amsterdam for a combination of things, drinking, drugs but mainly women, as in the red light district. If they just wanted booze and drugs they would go Ibiza.

I would not be happy with my dp even entertaining the idea of strolling down the red light district ogling girls and going to lapdancing clubs. I know those that cheat probably normally are the type to do it anyway but I bet many men do get swayed. Yes you can see a prostitute in the UK but they are not normally paraded. In front of you down the street. Being pissed and egged on although incredibly childish, must happen.

The only thing I can think of worse than my own dp visting Amsterdam with his mates is Thailamnd.

carmenelectra Wed 24-Apr-13 19:23:28

Thailand

Viviennemary Wed 24-Apr-13 19:28:51

The point is that there is not a shred of evidence to say the OP's DP has been up to anything he shouldn't have been. I'd say if he had been he would be hiding it and pretending nothing was wrong.

carmenelectra Wed 24-Apr-13 19:28:52

Oh. And advice to OP. I would not let him leave thr room tonight until he told me what the fuck was going on. Only you can tell if he's lying.

All this talk of bullshit of hangovers and drugs come downs! Behave. If that was the case would he not just say he was wrecked and go to bed? Not be funny with you.

The bit that got me was aboutyou basically shutting up so you could have a nice evening. The only time my dp talks like that is if we have had a row and I'm bringing something up or if I've gone off on one.

carmenelectra Wed 24-Apr-13 19:32:15

No apart from him being really mean to her since he got back. Strange.

Also, in my book. A bloke that goes to Amsterdam in the first place is dodgy. I'd be gutted if my dp wanted to go on a stag trip there.

quoteunquote Wed 24-Apr-13 19:40:02

Oh OP, I just checked in to see how you were getting on, and seeing your post, I felt very sad and angry for you,

That is so cruel and torturous way of him to behave, What ever has or has not happened, to just avoid talking to you, when you have asked is vile, he must know that you are having to imagine the worst possible situation , to leave you feeling like that is cowardly, and just totally unnecessary , he could if nothing has happened put your mind at rest.

I said we needed to talk but then the phone rang, it was his mum and she was on ages by which time the baby had woken up.

How convenient, he knows he should of said, 'Sorry mum, can I phone you back"

when I came back downstairs he was being super nice to me and everytime I tried to talk he just kept saying "let's just have a nice evening, we can talk later"

Fobbed off, and laying the blame at your feet for disturbing the harmony .

I got fed up and said I was going to bed and when he was ready to talk he should come up.

You gave him an opportunity.

He came up lay on his side and went to sleep

He doesn't give a fuck how you feel, he only cares about how this will effect him,

check your accounts, sounds like someone who is bidding his time,

if as you say you will, end the relationship if he has had sex else where, he may well be making arraignments, have you always been clear that would be a deal breaker?

I really do hope for all of you, you do not have to face dealing with his stupidity,

Would he have a reason to expect you to just forget and move on , have you in the past just turned a blind eye to problems?

Is there anyone who can take the baby for a few hours so you can chat?

ProphetOfDoom Wed 24-Apr-13 19:47:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeQuicksieorBeDead Wed 24-Apr-13 20:07:17

This happened to my friend. Her partner went in a stag and came back acting exactly the same way you describe.

He had met another woman in a club, chatted and swapped numbers. Nothing else, but he couldnt handle his emotions when he got home. It took him ages to tell her and she was imagining the worst. They did split up and he did end up with the other lass, but it could have gone the other way. Perhaps your dp feels bad about what could have happened, and is not acting naturally or being overly nice because he hasn't done the dirty, but feels differently because of it... hope you are okay.

NotSoNervous Wed 24-Apr-13 20:22:15

This is a awful situation for you to be in. I hope your DH hasn't done anything he shouldn't and there's a good forgivable explanation for his behaviour

Offred Wed 24-Apr-13 21:29:47

Surely you just need to say "either you tell me what you have done or you leave because I will not stand for this"

Cherriesarered Wed 24-Apr-13 21:45:03

I think you need to tell him that you need sensible truthful answers, or you will never be able to trust him again. It is childish to avoid problems but then it is unacceptable for men to go and supply this sex industry. My Dutch friend says that these women now are mainly trafficked!

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Wed 24-Apr-13 21:50:44

I think I'd be telling him to leave if he can't act like a grown up and talk. He's putting all this stress and shit on you whilst he swans around like nothing happened. Tell him to piss off for a few days, you don't trust him right now and you'll let him know when you want some answers.

ChocsAwayInMyGob Wed 24-Apr-13 22:24:40

Also, in my book. A bloke that goes to Amsterdam in the first place is dodgy. I'd be gutted if my dp wanted to go on a stag trip there.

The red light district is a small part of Amsterdam. Many people go there to smoke spliffs and get drunk. My DH went on a stag there and is not remotely dodgy!

If a man cheats blame the man, not the place. Most cities have a red light district: Soho in London, Pigalle in Paris, Reeperbahn in Hamburg... doesn't mean everyone is going to these cities for sex.

mrspinkspanx Wed 24-Apr-13 22:39:06

I really hope you get somewhere this evening. It must be torturous not knowing.

simplesusan Wed 24-Apr-13 23:03:05

I agree with everything quotes has said.

You need to tell him that you want an explanation as to why he has treated you like shit.

Do not let him stall any longer.

He is trying to make the issue all yours. Soon it will be too late to talk. He will accuse you of dragging up the past/inventing it etc etc.

For your own sanity make him explain his behaviuor. If he can't then I'm sorry but I would think affair or one off shag. Sorry that is not what you want to hear but nothing else makes any sense. How on earth would the behaviour of another man make him behave like this-it wouldn't.

He has avoided being in bed with you. Has he actually touched you since his trip?

He is avoiding the issue because in his mind the longer it goes the less of a problem it becomes. Distance and time are healing away his guilt.

I hope I am wrong but sadly don't think so.

Another thought could he be avoiding sex with you until he gets results back for stds?

MummaBubba123 Wed 24-Apr-13 23:07:43

Sad to say:
smacks of guilt.

Boosterseat Thu 25-Apr-13 00:44:07

Amsterdam is a gorgeous city.

DH and I enjoyed a peaceful 4 days drinking lovely coffee, enjoying gorgeous scenery and indulging in the well researched local produce.

There were plenty of groups, some on stags, some socialising with friends, other couples on romantic breaks. The Dutch are fabulous people and I think a lot of men out there on stags would enjoy the good food, the great people and perhaps a little weed.

It depends, are your DP and his friends the type adopt the term banter and want to go and eye up the meat market? Then I think he's hiding something, withholding communication from you when you are clearly distressed is downright despicable.

I hope you are giving him he'll.

carmenelectra Thu 25-Apr-13 00:45:28

Sorry chocs I disagree. I really do think going on a stag do to Amsterdam is dodgy. No of course not all men will go and pay for sex, but someone in that group is thinking about it I'm sure.

I wouldn't want my dp to go swanning round a red light district even for a laugh.

Yes of course lots of other countries/ cities have red light district. But it seems Amsterdam is more. And more popular and totally acceptable.

Still don't buy the culture and just going for a drink or smoke. Bollocks.

Boosterseat Thu 25-Apr-13 00:58:06

HELL autocorrect

But I actually hope you have him hell earlier and are getting some rest.

flowers

Charbon Thu 25-Apr-13 01:32:24

Unlike other cities, buying and selling sex in recognised brothels is legal in Amsterdam, but that distinction apart it really doesn't matter whether other people's partners would or wouldn't be interested in the sex industry there. This OP's partner did go to a sex club and the OP had every expectation that he would.

We can debate the wrongs of the sex industry and the way that sex consumerism has become so normalised on stag weekends to the point where some men's partners accept it, but surely that's for another thread and not one that is meant to be supporting an OP who is having difficulties in her relationship?

The OP's acceptance of the inevitability of sex consumerism on this weekend away might of course suggest a power imbalance in the relationship and so that's possibly worth exploring because it's about her situation and her relationship. But what other men do and what their partners believe and accept isn't, is it?

2anddone Thu 25-Apr-13 06:27:10

Hope you are ok OP and managed to have your talk last night x

This isn't really about Amsterdam and everyone else moral compasses is it? hmm

It's about the fact that her DP went on a stag do there & is now giving her (and only her) the silent treatment.

Hope you got some answers last night. Thinking of you

JaxTellerIsAllMine Thu 25-Apr-13 07:33:24

hope you got some proper answers OP.

ChocsAwayInMyGob Thu 25-Apr-13 07:59:35

OP, the longer he leaves it, the more pain you must be in. How can he not see this? I'd be even angrier by now.

This is mental cruelty. Don't be afraid of kicking him to the kerb just because you are financially dependent on him. That doesn't mean you have to put up with whatever he dishes out.

TheUnicornsGoHawaiian Thu 25-Apr-13 08:30:25

Today's the day OP. Get the answers your deserve. Could be innocent but at this rate his behaviour will destroy your relationship. Hope you get some answers.

StuffezLaYoni Thu 25-Apr-13 08:42:02

In my experience, the longer he goes without having to admit something, the more likely he will think he's got away with it. When my partner went away and cheated I KNEW something had happened when he came back by his silence and the way he was acting. I was too scared of rocking the boat so said nothing and he soon came back to normal.
This was because he'd managed to justify it to himself over the days and then realised he was going to get away with it.

OP I'm really worried that you're too scared to find out the truth in case you "lose" him.

Bant Thu 25-Apr-13 09:35:45

I went on a stag do to Amsterdam a few years ago. There were about 10 of us. I was the best man, but the groom had chosen the place and organised flights, hotel and everything for us.

4 of the group (including one married man) went to the brothels, one bloke went back repeatedly and spent hundreds of euros. The rest of us, some single, most married, spent our time drinking and smoking. We went to the red light district and looked through the windows and were pretty much repulsed by it. One of the group bought tickets for a sex show and told us we owed him the money for the tickets, so we went (having had a few beers and joints at this point) - it was horrible. The sensible lot ended up drinking our 'complimentary' beers with our sleeves rolled up over our hands so we didn't have to touch anything, we just got out of there as soon as we'd finished the beer. The other lot went up on stage and joined in the act.

I later found out that all of the guys who went to the brothels were renowned seedy buggers back in the UK. The rest of us, it was an experience we didn't want to repeat. I felt weird having gone there, and wouldn't choose to do it again.

Going to Amsterdam doesn't make someone turn into someone they're not. I went, and the groom and several others went, for the opportunity to smoke in public, relive our student days a bit, drink beer and basically take the piss out of each other a lot. Some went for the women.

Not much help, OP, sorry, but I hope you find out what's going on soon.

NotConnie Thu 25-Apr-13 10:17:49

OP, you really must get some answers from him and soon.
When I'd been married for about 5 years, my DH went on a stag do (not to Amsterdam). He was at an age where his mates were all getting married and going on stag events was quite a regular thing back then. Every time when he got back he was normal with me, although looking a bit worse for wear because of all the drink.
But one time he went and when he came back he was all over me, and couldn't stop making a fuss of me. Even brought me a present back which was unheard of. I'd always trusted him completely but this odd behaviour made me think he was feeling guilty about something, and I could only reach the conclusion that something had happened while he was away. I wasn't sure if it was just a kiss or if he'd actually had sex with someone, but I was convinced that there was something.
Well, I never found out the truth.
This all happened 20 years ago. Although I was kind of able to move past it, and never had any further reason to not trust him, it was always in the back of my mind.
We're now divorced, (nothing to do with infidelity on either side) and we're on quite good terms. He still denies that anything ever happened on that stag weekend, and even now, I'm still not sure.
Point is, it's enough to drive you mad over the years. Looking back, I'd have rather found out the truth then, instead of wondering for years.

quoteunquote Thu 25-Apr-13 11:41:34

Top post Bant

hairtearing Thu 25-Apr-13 15:55:39

Argh, still no update?

thistlelicker Thu 25-Apr-13 17:16:25

Buuuuuump! Any news?

TheUnicornsGoHawaiian Thu 25-Apr-13 17:40:16

Really hope you're ok OP

loopylou6 Thu 25-Apr-13 17:45:40

Hope you've confronted OP, and all is ok

toffeelolly Thu 25-Apr-13 17:56:21

How are you op ?

Smudging Thu 25-Apr-13 18:11:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Thu 25-Apr-13 19:42:00

I feel for you, whatapotatohead. This stinks.
Better be safe than sorry, iykwim, and book him an appointment for a STI check and no cha-cha until results are returned. I am not a scholar on the subject, but take as long as it will take, could be awhile.

This might encourage him to speak up, or maybe not. But trust your gut instinct and look out for yourself.

AllThatGlistens Thu 25-Apr-13 19:57:11

Hoping your ok OP

StealthOfficialCrispTester Thu 25-Apr-13 20:16:23

How are yoy getting on OP? How is he behaving now -super nice, cold shoulder?

NotSoNervous Fri 26-Apr-13 09:21:33

How are you OP?

Do these threads ever get resolved? Shamelessly nosey

LandOfCross Fri 26-Apr-13 13:01:00

I hope you are ok and he told you the truth OP.

carmenelectra Fri 26-Apr-13 13:27:33

I suspect OP's dp has gone back to being nice and acting normal. Therefore, she now feels no need to question him and has convinced herself it was nothing.

Thing is, as another poster has said somewhere, she won't be able to bring it up in the future for fear of going on and dragging up the past.

What she should havre done is pinned him down and demanded an answer initially.

TheUnicornsGoHawaiian Fri 26-Apr-13 14:16:41

Carmen I think you may be right. Truth always comes out in the end though. Really hope youre ok OP.

hairtearing Fri 26-Apr-13 17:54:32

Op not back yet? come on!!!!!!! we are waiting.

ThenWeTakeBerlin Fri 26-Apr-13 19:44:09

Bump

Hope you're ok, OP x

JaxTellerIsAllMine Fri 26-Apr-13 19:48:38

I hope you are ok and got some proper answers OP. Please come back for help/support.

thistlelicker Fri 26-Apr-13 21:44:35

Another shameless bump x

AlnwickRose Fri 26-Apr-13 22:43:04

Well, it may be that there's no news, and the OP doesn't want everyone having a go at her for not having got it out of him.

Or it may be that she's found out something bad and doesn't want to talk about it.

hollyisalovelyname Sat 27-Apr-13 09:27:46

I hope OP you are ok.

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm Sat 27-Apr-13 12:54:59

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHgrin

This is brilliant

I hope you all explode from sheer pent up nosiness grin

fastdriver Sat 27-Apr-13 19:23:45

Yeah I love it when prurience masquerades as concern grin

Loulybelle Sat 27-Apr-13 19:24:44

I hope shes ok, but im sure theres a good reason for her absence.

givemeaclue Sat 27-Apr-13 20:55:16

Yes, like she had nothing to be worried about all along despite the doommongers here

just read the thread

hope you're ok op

Any update OP?

Geckoandthemonkey Sat 27-Apr-13 21:33:18

Either he's been witness to something horrific or done the dirty. Yuck! I would not stand for it. Out of respect to you, the mother of his children, he shouldn't have gone to such a seedy destination. Gross. I would be seriously worried if I were you.

ProphetOfDoom Sat 27-Apr-13 23:32:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ArmyOfPenguins Sat 27-Apr-13 23:39:37

Or he has.

newbiefrugalgal Sat 27-Apr-13 23:40:37

I wanted an update too!
sad

pleasestoptalking Sun 28-Apr-13 07:12:06

Good luck OP, I hope you get your answers

DoctorAnge Tue 30-Apr-13 22:48:25

Hope you are ok op x

whatapotatohead Thu 02-May-13 13:18:27

update**
sorry I disappeared for so long, I needed some time to get my head straight.
I asked dp what was going on and he admitted going to a 'club' but said that he didn't pay for a private dance or take much notice of what was going on. all the others except him and another guy did have dances etc and he felt bad that the stag disappeared with a dancer for a while and he didn't stop him. I 100% believe he didn't get up to anything, he showed me texts/ facebook messages from them calling him and the other guy all sort of names because they didn't pay for extras hmm .
he knows I am not happy that he went in there, I am very self conscious of my body and find it hard to think of him there but he says him and the other guy sat out of the way having a beer so they weren't getting hassled.
Thank you to everyone for your support, without this I probably wouldn't have said anything and would have fallen apart thinking about what had happened.
things are looking good at the moment, the talking and opening up to eachother have really helped and we are both making the effort to spend time together.smile

But I still don't understand about his behaviour when he got back and how he treated you.
Has he explained why he was like this?
Really glad you believe him and are working on talking and spending time together.
Good luck.

Oopla Thu 02-May-13 13:53:29

It doesn't really explain how he was with you....Those few days of silence/moodiness enough to organise a few messages from mates. What if they've all sent them to each other?

I hope it all works out for the best.

whatapotatohead Thu 02-May-13 16:08:43

I know it doesn't explain him being so off with me and he knows he was out of order for that but I know he is really unhappy about the way the other guys were especially the stag and it's playing on his mind. I don't think they all sent the texts to eachother, some of them were captions on private pictures on facebook basically saying that x and x would rather look at the nice view in the picture than the women and how pathetic that was hmm yes they are all in their 30s and 40s. and others were group messages where people who couldn't make it were asking how it went and they were mocking the two that didn't 'get into the spirit if it all' I just feel like he is telling the truth and I can only go with that and what he has said.

GoingUpInTheWorld Thu 02-May-13 16:14:11

Op i think hes telling the truth, and i think he was being off with you because of the comments and texts that were going back and forth were playing on his mind.

Im glad you have managed to get all that cleared up.

ZorbaTheHoarder Thu 02-May-13 16:41:05

Hi OP, Im glad you feel he is telling the truth, but I think it's really important to let him know that you will not put up with several days of sulky behaviour just because he is unhappy about something. It wasn't your fault that he felt crap, but he was making you pay for it!
If you don't let him know that his behaviour has been unacceptable, he will just do the same the next time something is 'troubling' him.
Good luck.

Littleturkish Thu 02-May-13 16:49:39

I'm so glad you spoke to him and his reasons for being off with you weren't untoward.

These stag do things sicken me. People can be revolting in their disrespectful behaviour towards their partner.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 02-May-13 16:49:52

The fact that he was really off with you still bothers me - why act so guilty?

I hope you made it clear that this kind of behaviour is really not on especially since you did not deserve to be treated like this.

Good luck.

whatapotatohead Thu 02-May-13 16:50:31

thanks, oh he knows it's not acceptable, I made it clear that his attitude made him look guilty and it's not fair that I was being punished because of what they got up to.

Ledkr Thu 02-May-13 16:54:36

It just shows that some women's instincts are right about stag dos though.
That poor woman will walk down the aisle thinking he adores her when he was "disappearing with a dancer" in front of people who will be at the wedding.
What a cunt!

Blondeshavemorefun Thu 02-May-13 17:14:01

I'm glad you finally had the 'chat' and that you believe nothing went on and hope all the others were single (tho doubt it)

It's the bride I feel sorry for sad

As above / what a cunt the groom is

Stupid little man

Branleuse Thu 02-May-13 17:43:10

ah, lovely update. Good to hear x

Pilgit Thu 02-May-13 17:52:58

glad to hear nothing untoward (from him). If it were my DH doing this he would probably have been trying hard to reconcile that behaviour to people he thought of as friends. He would be disappointed in them for doing it and then really aggrieved at the bullying post the event. He would have trouble articulating the disappointment and disgust it would have caused - and this would lead to being introverted and a bit 'off' for a couple of days till he told me what had happened.

AndMiffyWentToSleep Thu 02-May-13 17:56:16

Glad he opened up and that things are going well for you now.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Thu 02-May-13 18:01:59

thanks for update OP. I also think you DH is telling you the truth. His friends are idiots, and I pity the poor bride. sad

To be fair, I have been to a sex club and dancing club in Amsterdam (with DH) and it was hideous. There were the 'usual lot' perving and a couple of Japanese having a wank while watching the show. It wasnt a turn on for my DH and not for me either. But I did want to see what all the hooha was about. Im nosy like that! smile

The only thing I would say is make it crystal clear that he doesnt get to take his guilt or moods out on you, its not fair. And I can see from recent update that you have told him this. Not much more you can do really.

Goodadvice1980 Thu 02-May-13 18:27:44

Hi OP,

Glad you have answers now.

His friends sound completely vile; I think I'd be questioning my judgement radar if it were my friends who had behaved like that. They sound like bullies.

The whole sordid thing will probably hang over your OH for the whole of the wedding if he is this upset by their behaviour on the stag do.

Is there concrete proof that the groom cheated? I would be so tempted to tell her and spare her the misery of marrying a complete arse who obviously has no respect for his future wife.

ProphetOfDoom Thu 02-May-13 19:39:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cherriesarered Thu 02-May-13 20:06:25

I would tell the bride, who wants a honeymoon dose of VD!

hollyisalovelyname Thu 02-May-13 22:47:08

Glad you got sorted.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim Thu 02-May-13 22:58:43

I think you have to tell the bride - it's a health protection issue, ultimately, as if her sexual partner has slept with a prostitute in Amsterdam, she's at quite serious risk.
It will result in the most horrible blow up and a terrible falling out, but you'd feel a lot worse if you didn't tell and he gave her some awful disease.

SimLondon Thu 02-May-13 23:11:54

hmmmmm

Guerrillacrochet Fri 03-May-13 04:11:44

Bloody hell people leave the OP alone! It sounds like a perfectly reasonable explanation, why insinuate (some of you) that there could be more to it? It sounds like he was weirded out by it and was brooding. Yes he was off with OP, no he shouldn't have been, but we're all a bit shit sometimes. nothing suggests there is anything else lurking in the background- why play to her insecurities, especially when this could actually be a good thing for their relationship if they're talking more?
And as for telling the bride?!? Are you absolutely mad?
1) She, or her DH, don't know what went on with the dancer.
2) The bride knew her DH had arranged the stag night in Amsterdam and it is up to her to discuss it OR NOT with her HTB
3) Of course any kind of sexual activity has an inherant risk of an STI, but I would imagine that an Amsterdam sex worker (the 'cleanest' in the world, apparently) is no riskier than the groom shagging some random girl he picked up in a bar (which could be possible, he sounds like the type).
Flame away, but it sounds like some people almost want there to be more to this than there was, or want the OP to open another can of worms that is nothing to do with her.
OP- glad it's sorted.

whatapotatohead Fri 03-May-13 12:48:03

Thanks.
I don't feel able to speak to the bride to be, I don't really know her and dp doesn't know what if anything happened. we are going to the wedding but I am driving so wont be staying late.

JaceyBee Fri 03-May-13 12:52:26

Yes for gods sake don't tell the bride!! Keep well out of the whole thing. Glad things are sorted for you.

Floggingmolly Fri 03-May-13 12:57:51

Would they really go that far?. Why do stag parties usually go to Amsterdam? Really?

Bant Fri 03-May-13 13:01:13

Molly - some stag parties go to Amsterdam because you can get stoned out of your minds in coffee bars with your mates, and drink until you fall over. Not all men want to have sex with prostitutes. Some of us actually really don't like the idea, strangely enough.

wreckitralph Fri 03-May-13 13:04:04

One of our close friends was at a stag do of a mutual friend. He had a stripper and then went off with her. Our friend went out the back a few minutes later and basically dragged the groom off the stripper and told him to get his act together. His now wife is always telling us what a wonderful husband he is and ow he is so thoughtful. She's always saying how he brings her sweet gifts from his business trips. I know a few people who go on business with him and they hate hanging out with him as all he wants to do is chase foreign skirt. Their words not mine.

Unfortunately the guys wife is a real snob and looks down on a lot of us. I have to avoid her because if she pisses me off too much I may say something!!!

KarlosKKrinkelbeim Fri 03-May-13 23:11:21

Amsterdam sex workers the cleanest in the world, are they? What a load of shit. Sex worker are at high risk of STIs and people who sleep with them are risking exposure. And frankly, it's highly unlikely this repulsive specimen disappeared with her to discuss the weather.
If you saw someone driving towards a cliff at full speed would you do nothing or would you fell you had a moral duty to try and warn them? I'm willing to bet the latter. yet you would be willing to let some poor woman risk chlamydia, warts or worse. i think that's pretty disgraceful.

Xales Sat 04-May-13 00:31:47

If you think that is a reasonable reason I hope everything goes well for you.

Why were you the only person he was shitty to?

I would be letting him know that it unacceptable to treat you the way he has and not to do it again.

Cherriesarered Sat 04-May-13 09:31:50

Yes, I imagine that those poor women trafficked across Europe and forced into the sex trade are definitely the "cleanest" women in the sex trade. I would not want my future husband to be visiting one of them though, would you?

SugarPasteGreyhound Sat 04-May-13 16:03:08

Read "slave girl" by Sarah Forsyth. Young girl who thought she was going to be a nursery nurse abroad, ended up being trafficked into sex work in Amsterdam's red light district.

Just because it's legal doesn't mean that the workers are there freely.

You stare at the women in the windows - the odds are you will be looking at a good few who are literally prisoners who are being raped in exchange for cash, by tourists who think it's a bit of fun and who have no idea nor interest in whether the person they are fucking is participating of their own free will or not.

But then a man who views a woman just as a convenient orifice that can be hired by the half-hour, is not someone that I would want to spend my life with.

BabbleBitch Sat 04-May-13 16:34:19

If I was the bride-to-be I would want to be told the truth about the man I was about to marry so that I could call off the wedding.

If I were the OP and her DH I would certainly not be attending this sham of a wedding.

Blondeshavemorefun Sat 04-May-13 19:58:48

Guess no one apart from the groom and stripper knows what happened

But to me even a drunken kiss and grope is as a bad as sleeping with someone as its the intent sad

If the groom did do something then I pity his bride

Guerrillacrochet Mon 06-May-13 08:05:46

I'm not vindicating this cretin- he sounds like a shitbag, and so do most of his slimeball pals. I bet the pressure was on the OP's DH and the other guy to get involved so they would have collective guilt to keep schtum.
But the point is that none of us know the BTB, including the OP. It is their relationship and it is for her to discuss what happened at the stag night with her ratty HTB. The fact remains that none of us, or the OP's DH, knew what happened with the stripper, meteorological discussions or not.
Of course some Amsterdam sex workers will have STIs. But I gather, from the sources I've been able to garner, that a high % use protection and that a large % have regular health screening. So I don't think it is entirely a pile of shit to compare it to shagging some random pick up in a bar.
of course sex trafficking is a bad thing. But we're not really here to talk about that, are we? Yes it is horrible, awful. But I don't see why this should be another stick to beat the poor OP up with to guilt her into into talking to the bride.

Cherriesarered Mon 06-May-13 19:28:56

I don't think it is wrong to question the morality of those who perpetuate rape and degradation of women or the partners that condone trips to Amsterdam in the interests of a bit of "fun" or a "laugh". I assume you think it's okay to visit UK sex workers too? 80% of London sex workers are foreign born and many of those women will have been trafficked too.

Guerrillacrochet Tue 07-May-13 02:22:04

Read the comment. I am not supporting sex trafficking, or the Amsterdam red light district or those that go to stag weekends to seek out sex. If you want to read it that way and be outraged then fine. My DH wouldn't go to such an event because it is exploitative and when I've been to Amsterdam I haven't been to the red light area to have a gawp and look into dead eyes because I find it vile.
But this isn't a thread on whether prostitution in Amsterdam, London, Cambodia or anywhere else is acceptable or not, but some people seem to be spectacularly missing the point.
I am getting annoyed with myself now for arguing with someone I don't know about whether another person I don't know should tell a further person I don't know something she doesn't know. But I guess that's Mumsnet for you.

carmenelectra Tue 07-May-13 07:39:37

If I knew the bride then I'd tell her what I knew. I'd hope someone would tell me if I was about to walk down the aisle and a load of people knew I'd been well and truly mugged off.

However, she doesn't know her at all so I wouldntr say anything. I would not be going to the wedding though. All smiles and congrats. No thanks. Leave me out

Guerrillacrochet Tue 07-May-13 08:15:49

I agree carmen, I would have to cancel going.

It isn't just stag dos that are like that unfortunately. Plenty of hens cheat on their partners at hen nights. I don't see the need to get bladdered and act single before you get married to be honest. Surely you haven't done that the rest of the time you have been together so why the last night of things you will inevitably regret?! I mean, if you don't regret it then you're obviously marrying the wrong person.

I hope he doesn't give her an STD.

DH hates that sort of stuff as well OP - when he's been stuck in a crowd doing things like that he tends to text me or sneak off and ring me. He really doesn't like it. He was so worried about his mates getting carried away on his stag night that he made it local and took his father and uncle for protection.

Don't tell the bride, I know amongst dh's circle of friends this happens more often than you might think hmm

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now