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What to do? He tried to strangle me!

(47 Posts)
Dryjuice25 Mon 22-Apr-13 13:44:42

He is an ex.

We argued. I told him to leave. He refused and started verbally attacking me. I insisted he left but he was adamant. The kids were present.
I started to shout that I wanted him gone. He mouthed off and spewed all abusive expletives under the sun which I won't bore you with. I chucked a bit of water on him and he jumped at me and puts his grubby hands around my neck whilst pushing me against the wall. The kids were screaming.

I have recently told the police that he was harassing me and refusing to break-up. He was cautioned about this. My fear is that if I tell the police about this incident, social services will probably be involved. I don't wanted them hanging over us like a dark cloud.

We share kids 50/50, which I'm not happy about but the kids love him. My eldest thinks I was wrong to chuck water at him, so it was my fault!!!She is only 7. I couldn't help them witnessing and I usually try not to get them to see/hear our arguments. Very little physical violence has happened in the past (shoving on both sides) but yesterday shocked me as I was not aware he would put his hands on my neck. I hate him and he won't leave me alone.

I have a board meeting tomorrow where I volunteer and don't want to rock the boat until tomorrow so he can babysit. He has offered to and he denies what he did angry What to do? I do need to tell the police don't I? Can I use this argument to get custody of the kids.

Thanks for reading

Offred Mon 22-Apr-13 13:49:50

absolutely tell the police, only way to keep yourself safe from SS IMO.

If this is happening and someone else reports it they will not be on your side and logically what do you have to fear from them? They will be there to protect you all from your H.

I would not let him babysit. Bring the children if you have to to the meeting, even voluntary orgs have reasonable duties to accommodate parenting responsibilities now I think.

It will be taken into account in custody/access only if it has been reported, if you delay he will claim it is a malicious claim.

NotQuiteSoOnEdge Mon 22-Apr-13 13:49:59

Police! No question. And why on earth would you let this man 'babysit' your kids. They've just watched him attack you! How can they possibly feel safe with him? And of course your 7yr old said that. She's already learnt that he must be placated at all costs to stay safe. Call 999 and never let the children near him again. Please!

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Mon 22-Apr-13 13:50:21

Call the police.

Please do not rationalise the "I threw water, etc".

colditz Mon 22-Apr-13 13:52:02

Call the police.

Your child does not get a say in who started it, she is seven and has had her morals warped by being raised in an abusive family.

PeppermintPasty Mon 22-Apr-13 13:52:44

Please report him. You are in shock.

Get someone else to watch the children.

You should get this logged with the police asap.

colditz Mon 22-Apr-13 13:53:37

You need to call the police because the social services WILL find out when one of your children mentions it at school. Having this man around is a child protection hazard. You cannot get him to look after them, he's dangerous and unpredictable.

cestlavielife Mon 22-Apr-13 13:54:10

yes SS have probably already been informed as they do get informed as a matte rof course when dv is reported and a police report is made...this is so they can HELP PROTECT the dc ....
if you can show ss that you are keeping Dc safe then they will only HELP you.

are you keeping the dc safe?

not if you let him stay and show dc examples of agressive argumetns going on, then no ...

it isnt clear - he is violent verbally abusive...yet you want him to babysit them while he is like this? would that be in your place?
you need third party handovers if he is an ex and no contact with him -SS can help you achive that.

or do you truly think he is only angry at you and would never shout at/abuse the dc?

the dark cloud here is your relationship with your ex...

Offred Mon 22-Apr-13 13:55:56

This is the one who thinks the baby is a pervert for is mannerisms whilst breastfeeding?

disturbing in the extreme.

Have you contacted WA? They would give you better and more effective advice and support than we would. There have been a lot of changes to the law and practices concerning DV recently.

Call the police, suspend contact and seek legal advice. Do not allow him in your home ever again. Do not try to hide this from the authorities, it sounds like you need the support/boundaries.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Mon 22-Apr-13 14:01:18

Your DD as already learnt that one must not cross daddy, or one is at fault.

Please act. I second calls to WA and logins this with the police.

What will he do when one of his children acts in a way he finds unacceptable? Kids do grow up into challenging teens.

Do call the police. Social services will work to protect your children, and if that means helping keep him away from hurting you, then that;s what they'll do.

If you let this go, next time could be worse - and worse than trying to strangle you doesn't bear thinking about!

Dahlen Mon 22-Apr-13 14:23:49

Call the police. Stop contact. Accept the fact that you can no longer use this man as a babysitter.

I could have said all the above with a lot more sympathy but that's what you need to do in a nutshell. As long as you rely on this man for anything, you will never be free from his control.

Short term, this will be hard. It will be inconvenient, stressful and humiliating (dealing with police and SS). Long-term, the payoff will be immense and worth every second of difficulty.

SS can help you in this situation, they won't work against you unless they think you are underestimating the risk to your children.

good luck.

HeySoulSister Mon 22-Apr-13 14:29:42

Jesus, just report the whole lot!

You seriously are more worried about as finding out and not having childcare??

And you shouldn't have thrown the water, it's still an assault in it's own right, but hands round neck is one of the highest extremes he can go in with. Women's aid rate it as biggest red flag, something about attempted strangulation that rings louder alarm bells than other attacks. So report it

And why are you more worried about using it to change residency proceedings?

Dryjuice25 Mon 22-Apr-13 14:33:57

I agree with all of you, thank you.

Offred, yes he is the guy. Makes me sick thinking about it.
Unfortunately this place won't help with childcare and they only take on people who have their own arrangements where kids are involved.

I suppose he is the dark cloud hanging on us. Very true. It's so difficult to do what's for the best as the kids love him in a way I'm almost jealous about thanks to him allowing junk food/video games and unlimited telly where as at mine these are allowed to the minimum, so he is the bees knees in dcs eyes.

Frequent I worry about that everyday. He swears a lot around them too. Good point, thanks.

I have no family around and no friends that I could leave kids with just like that, so a bit of a dilemma.

Will definitely get this logged on. It makes sense
Off the computer for now and won't be able to read messages for a bit.
Thanks everybody.

Lueji Mon 22-Apr-13 14:37:29

What everyone else said.

What if he had pushed a bit further and killed you in front of the children.

Don't deal with him. Avoid him and call the police the minute he starts harassing you.

Offred Mon 22-Apr-13 14:38:03

My dcs get similar lack of parenting and bribes at their dads but they do understand why they don't at home and are doing well at identifying the problems with his approach. If you can't bring dc to the meeting just this once (I think you should explain the circs) I think it would be preferable to either try to find another sitter or to not go.

Dryjuice25 Mon 22-Apr-13 14:38:55

Heysoul I know what you mean. I couldn't believe it when it happened. I called his mum and she said she is going to have stern words with him. But she still thinks he is the greatest dad, even dad of the year! She is talking to because it happened around the kids. But as far as his parenting is concerned, she thinks he is great confused WTF??

Lueji Mon 22-Apr-13 14:39:09

Also, you don't have to go to this meeting.
Your children are first.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 22-Apr-13 14:40:16

Another vote for calling the police. He is beyond appalling and you have to let the authorities act for you. Good luck

Dryjuice25 Mon 22-Apr-13 14:45:10

Lueji True. Scary.
I'm avoiding him and I've barred him from entering my house and will refuse any flowers and attempts offered like an olive branch. This time I'm sticking to my guns. The guy is a dangerous fucking numpty.

Dryjuice25 Mon 22-Apr-13 14:48:15

Thanks Cog
Lueji Absolutely. Will be a shame though as I have prepared lot for this meeting. Will try a friend and if not, it's looking like I might not go.

Dryjuice25 Mon 22-Apr-13 14:52:00

To those who are grammar averse, I am shocked at the mistakes on my op. Wrong tenses! WTF

50% care is not in their interests is it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 22-Apr-13 14:54:29

Even an important meeting is not as important as getting a violent criminal into the justice system...

EldritchCleavage Mon 22-Apr-13 14:55:20

I have a board meeting tomorrow where I volunteer and don't want to rock the boat until tomorrow so he can babysit

Disregard all these practicalities, in the overall scheme of things they are minor. Please, let go of everything except the pressing need to get some protection from this man. All else is secondary.

And you may find that the kids love him less than you think, but express great and anxious enthusiasm for him because he is abusive and they instinctively placate him.

not much to add dryjuice, just agreeing with everyone who says don't let this guy near you, or your children if you can help it.
What will he do to them if they 'answer back' and he doesn't like it?
Sorry you have to miss your meeting, but in the grand scheme of things it's not that big a deal.
best wishes!

cestlavielife Mon 22-Apr-13 15:12:57

"I called his mum and she said she is going to have stern words with him"

that isnt enough, she is always going to support him - what is she going to say "oh please dont strangle dryjuice"! what will she say when he manages to kill you by accident or design?

no; he needs police action and court to keep him away from you and dc for now...of course kids love him he is their only dad...i doesnt make him a safe parent. thy can have supervised contact in a contact centre...

OxfordBags Mon 22-Apr-13 18:58:35

Dryjuice, his mum is his mum, she is going to praise him. She is not an objective source of opinion about him!

There is something about children in an abusive home that you need to understand: when one parent is abusive, whether to them, or 'just' to their mother, children will virtually always appear to adore and even favour the abusive parent. Notice that I said appear. This is a built-in defence mechanism that everyone has, but children and babies most of all. They seem to shower the abuser with love, but why? They do it to stop him turning the meanness on him. They do it because children always think they are responsible for things, and they think that if they are perfect, happy and keep Daddy happy, then he won't turn on Mummy. They do it in the hope that maybe if they're nice enough to him, it'll mend him.

Children always act up for the parent they love and trust the most. Children behaving fabulously for someone is not actually a great sign of that person being good with kids and them adoring that person. It indicates that they are scared to be themselves around them.

A man who auses his partner abuses his children. A mother is a child's world and to hurt her is to destroy their world. So he bribes them with crap food and doing whatever they want - that is them taking advantage of whatvthey can get out of him, not a sign they love him more. His abuse has damaged your self-esteem so much that you cannot believe your own kids love you.

If this man thinks that a child is perverted when they breastfeed, he is not just odd, but mentally ill and so deeply twisted that he needs help. He should not be around children, never mind 50-50 care. Here, you have to be cruel to be kind and not just collapse and give in and let the kids go to him that much. You are not giving them access to a father who dotes on them and worships them, you are giving them access to a twisted, unstable man who abuses their mother, therefore emotionally abuses them, no doubt fills their heads with lies and crap about you, manipulates and upset you through them (more abuse of them)... Time to get tough and keep him the fuck away from them. And you!

garlicyoni Mon 22-Apr-13 20:19:53

Dryjuice, are you using work worries to distract yourself from the awfulness of your personal reality? My suggestion: Phone police. Then phone work - you must have a home or mobile number - and tell them you've been attacked at your home, police are coming. Make arrangements for someone else to give your presentation. Phone WA and request a ringback after police.

Deal with this stuff, then later on phone someone trustworthy - Samaritans, if nobody comes to mind - so you can collapse into an emotional heap. And eat cake.

It is real. You will do the proper things for your children, and for yourself. And this is the turning-point. After this, things start getting better. Virtual hug!

AnyFucker Mon 22-Apr-13 20:29:17

Call the police and report it.

There is no other course of action that is remotely helpful to you and your kids.

If you need him for childcare, then you do not attend your meeting.

make other childcare arrangemnts or speak to your bosses and explain, asking for a leave eof absence until it is organised.

if he turns up at your house, call the police

cease all contact with him and the children

if I were you, at this point I would call SS myself and ask for help

they are certainly going to get involved at some point when your kids describe what happens in your house....if you demonstrate you have asked for assistance and are keeping him away from you and your kids it will be massive plus points in your favour

they won't take your kids away if you are keeping them safe

forcing them to witness further incidents of their father attacking their mother is not keeping them safe whether they "love him" or not

Dryjuice25 Mon 22-Apr-13 21:57:52

Just got weepy at all the fantastic advice and insight as I couldn't see the woods for the trees earlier.

Have reported him, officer coming tomorrow. Good bye twunt. I did try to be civil with him! No more.

Childcare sorted, thanks to neighbour/friend.

I can't reply to individual mumsnetters for now as I have to prepare for the meeting tomorrow. I feel like I'm daydreaming right now.

Thank you everybody. Really.Thanks

Lueji Mon 22-Apr-13 22:01:23

Good for you. smile

garlicyoni Mon 22-Apr-13 22:04:51

Good for you x2!

Yes, 'daydreaming' ... it's called derealisation, it's a survival mechanism for your mental health. You'll probably feel very tired soon. Don't fight it - and eat! You need to stay healthy.

Keep posting if it helps, but the work might help you more right now ;)

AnyFucker Mon 22-Apr-13 22:19:24

Well done x

Dryjuice25 Fri 10-May-13 23:24:28

Apparently the strangling didn't happen. He has the kids to back him up on his history re-write!! WTF

He is poisoning the dcs little minds and getting them to feel sorry for him! I just don't know what to do regarding this issue. I have tried my very best to not slag him off to them but now I am the crazy woman with strange imaginations of being strangled by him.

Advice welcome please on how to deal with this

Dryjuice25 Fri 10-May-13 23:28:29

The kids were there when he attempted to strangle me. They even screamed!!

Now they say it never happened. My eldest is displaying signs of challenging behaviour and I'm worried sick what else he might be telling them. I have no control whatsoever and I don't know what to do for the best now.

Lavenderhoney Sat 11-May-13 04:31:34

How did he get access to your dc to do this? It would be better not to engage with him at all. Did you contact the police and ss? I should think they've seen it all before with regards to people changing dc stories. Your poor dc must be terrified to agree to this. You need to take charge so they aren't dragged in and made to feel responsible for him and you.

Does he have to stay away from you anyway, if you went to the police?

SkaterGrrrrl Sat 11-May-13 05:21:51

You are so brave for calling the police. Well done for protecting yourself and your babies. Stay string and keep going, soon he will be out of your lives. X

SkaterGrrrrl Sat 11-May-13 05:25:00

strong

GilmoursPillow Sat 11-May-13 07:08:01

Who told you it never happened? Him? The kids? The police?

GilmoursPillow Sat 11-May-13 07:08:47

Sorry if that comes across as snarky, it's not meant to be blush

something2say Sat 11-May-13 09:49:01

Dry juice, keep your head.

Not only may they want to protect their Dad, and you, and so they choose to hide the truth from themselves, but also they are babies, and human beings seem to want to see sunshine rather than clouds, hence we gloss over nasty things and try to get back to happy things.

In the midst of this, you must keep your head.

You know he did it. End of conversation.

Issues now are.

Your safety.
Child contact.
Your children's behaviour.

Dryjuice25 Sat 11-May-13 11:57:49

Lavender
When the police were involved, he was barred from being in contact with me, but contact with the kids is still allowed as I told them I didn't think he would harm them how ironic/stupid is that

I have already contacted a solicitor who deals with custody issues as I have had enough of being nice and civil with this idiot. I want full custody of the dcs. Sod him! He doesn't even do a decent job of parenting them. Why should I continue to allow him to harm me directly and indirectly? I've had enough of this sorry excuse of a man.

GP
It's the kids who asked why dad is not coming swimming with us. I told them that mummy and dad need space away from each other and we don't want what happened that night(incident night) to happen again to which my daughter retorted "But daddy didn't even do anything. Why are you making it up?" This really shocked me. It sounded like something he would have said to my dcs.

They just want mummy and daddy to get on again. He has been sending messages saying that I'm lying as it never happened!!! WTF? Never a sorry or anything. I'm being accused of being unreasonable/crazy/ mentally unsound e.t.c which is why he is an ex. I just don't know how to get rid of this abusive twunt once and for all.

somethingtosay

You speak the truth.

And those are my priorities now. I believe I'm safe which is important. I however need to move from my house as I live like 5 minutes walk from him and bump into him everyday, which is a nightmare and was done deliberately in the guise of making it easier to share parenting duties. I can't even go to buy a pint of milk without bumping into him!!

Thanks for all yourmessages

Lavenderhoney Sun 12-May-13 05:43:20

Well done- and moving ASAP seems a great idea, plus alternative childcare- you don't want him in your house just in case he tries again. Are you renting and can give a months notice?

What about women's aid? I expect they will have advice too.

Dryjuice25 Sun 12-May-13 19:04:57

Lavender

I rent at the moment and toying around when to give notice. The landlady requires 2 months notice.

Women's aid will probably just echo my instinct to move away from the area I expect

Lavenderhoney Sun 12-May-13 20:26:50

That's great - 2 months is plenty to find a new place. Why don't you get onto letting agencies in the morning?

How are your plans for the summer? Are you working? Dc at school? It might all work nicely if you time it for schools and sort out some childcare.

Try not to minimalise as time goes by. Remember your fear. And don't tell him or the dc your plans, just in case.

Also check with women's aid and your solicitor- I'm sure other posters will have more detailed advice.

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