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hit by dh and mum today.

(71 Posts)
havingtrouble Sun 21-Apr-13 17:36:23

I am so desperate and confused and have no one in rl to talk to about this.
DH an I have a difficult relationship.
I can be agressive and goady.Hard to live with and emotionally complicated.

This morning in bed at 5.55 I complained when dd woke us up again.We had a huge row culminating in him grabbing my face and pushing down on me whilst lying down.He also held a blanket over my face.This sort of thing does not happen often, but he has done similar,I have been violent to him in the past.

By this afternoon we were on speaking terms at a family event.

My mother is too involved in our relationship.
After food they went outside and didnt reappear for more than an hour.I know they were talking about me/us.It made me very uncomfortable infront of rest of family.

I got so uncomfortable that I got my stuff together and said I was leaving.At the door, they were coming in.
I told them that I think is was bad form.She said she wanted to talk to me.

Iwas quite wound up and said no I was leaving.

She pushed me into a room , attacked me said I was ruining my marriage, pulled my hair so it came out in clumps, slapped and kicked me.I was trying to be quiet, so as not to let my children/ other family members know what was happening.

This is all so shameful.The only way I could stop her was by hitting back.I am crying as I write this.

I got out of the room and told dh we were leaving.Mother said she wanted to see the kids!??He stayed with them.I am at home lost and confused.

Please help me.

Erm u need to split!!! There's kids and you and dh and his mum all hot eachother. That's a ridiculous situation. That poor child. Please seek help, anger management or mediation etc. this isn't normal sad

havingtrouble Sun 21-Apr-13 17:42:57

its MY MUM.

U need to not see her too then cos that's just not on. She has no right and family or not its assult!! You can't possibly trust her with the children if she's done that.

Lueji Sun 21-Apr-13 17:45:07

Big hugs.

You really shouldn't put up with this.

And you need to break the cycle by walking away.

This environment is not good at all for you or your children.

I think you should ring WA for advice regarding both and possibly definitely your local DV unit.

cocolepew Sun 21-Apr-13 17:45:33

Leave your husband, have no more to do with your mum.
Phone the police and report both of them.

Leave, as soon as the children are back, ring Woman's Aid and walk well away from them all. X

Branleuse Sun 21-Apr-13 17:47:00

Its not ok for them to be violent to you, and its not ok for you to be aggressive, goady and violent to your partner.

I think there needs to be some serious work done on the underlying issues.

What is going on?

have you ever had any sort of therapy?

Do you want to be married? It doesnt sound like any of you like each other very much and this is an absolutely toxic situation for your children to be in.

Chubfuddler Sun 21-Apr-13 17:47:08

Police. They've both assaulted you. Your mother is a fucking disgrace. Obviously your husband is too but it seems men treating their wives like this is sadly common. I am astounded that your mother has.

BabyHMummy Sun 21-Apr-13 17:47:52

I think you need you all need to address your anger issues. Violence is NEVER the answer.

If dh was trying to protect himself from you then that is a different thing altogether but ur mum has no right to get involved and certainly no right to physically attack you

It may be worth of poaaoble to distance yourself fro. Both of them

Hope you are ok though Xxx

headlesslambrini Sun 21-Apr-13 17:48:09

I think you need to go and see your GP as a emergency appointment tomorrow. You admit that you have a temper and goad for a reaction and you need to understand why you do this and were all this anger comes from otherwise you'll never overcome it. I think, from what you have written that all of you are to blame in some way.

Please get to the doctor tomorrow and tell him/her the whole truth, they can't help you if they don't know the full story.

Wishfulmakeupping Sun 21-Apr-13 17:49:26

You really need to call the police please do it now OP this can't go on

ballstoit Sun 21-Apr-13 17:49:53

I'd be reporting both assaults to the police asap. Your children are not safe.

Do you have friends you can call for some urgent support now to collect your dc?

What exactly is the relationship between your H and your Mum?

Phone the police. Now. Report the two of them. Kick your DH out and have nothing more to do with your mother. Ever.

havingtrouble Sun 21-Apr-13 17:58:34

I have no money or job.
We are already in therapy.
Mother and DHI feel club against me.Dh knows what she did and said I should not have been rude at the door.

reelingintheyears Sun 21-Apr-13 17:59:11

At least keep a record of your Mother's attack,it sounds like she'll side with your DH if you leave and take the DC.

It needs to be on the record that she has attacked you,ripping out your hair is serious,photographs of any bruising etc.

Fuck it,go to the police,show them your bruising and where your hair was pulled out.
It will at least discredit anything she may say about you if you do decide to leave.

All three of you are a disgrace, and if you cant report your dh and your mum to the police, I suggest voluntarily giving your children up for fostering as they have no less than three violent and aggressive role models. Next thing you know they will join your dh and mum in beating you up; they will think it is the norm.

You need to break this cycle. Your dh and mum or your kids. Sorry if that is harsh, but that is my view.

Lueji Sun 21-Apr-13 18:01:47

Your H does it because he feels protected by your mother and she does it because she feels protected by your H.

The police and WA will protect you.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sun 21-Apr-13 18:02:00

how old are you OP? Were you treated like this as a child?

This sort of behaviour is NOT on, not by your mum, you or your husband. You need to seek help, call Womens Aid. They can and will help you.

Lueji Sun 21-Apr-13 18:04:16

And you need to protect yourself.

By doing nothing you are allowing them to keep doing it.

And, yes, leaving your children in a fucked up environment.

And even if the OP is guilty of emotional or verbal abuse, it doesn't justify this kind of physical aggression. They should have walked away themselves.

NomNomDePlum Sun 21-Apr-13 18:06:56

separate things out - you are violent, you don't want to be. seek help with that.

your h held a blanket over your face. that is far beyond lashing out in anger. you need to separate, for your own safety.

you had an argument with your mother, you were perhaps more rude than necessary - she physically attacked you. you then left your children with her. you need to avoid her if she is violent to you, and you shouldn't leave your children with someone who behaves this way.

havingtrouble Sun 21-Apr-13 18:08:13

I am 31.She was violent to me as I child.I have been hit with a broom,whipped and smacked by her.The thing is I love her, lean on her too much and have a strong bond with her, strange as that sounds.

Hissy Sun 21-Apr-13 18:11:25

Can we stop fucking blaming the OP here? She's not as bad as the other 2, she's not fucking goading (seriously, where did that come from ffs)

Op, get out. Get your dc out, even if only in the clothes you stand up in, but get out.

You do nmeed help, ideally you need bank statements, benefit award letters etc, but you have been assaulted.

Take yourself to the police station, report them both and ask for the DV team.

Are there any cultural issues at play here? I ony ask cos I struggle to comprehend that this would be coming from a native UK set up, it smacks of far a culture far less enlightened.. But I'm sure I could also sadly be wrong.

Whatever your situation is, you are going to need support, so please keep posting, please lwt us help you find the way through and out of all this.

You're so brave.

CleopatrasAsp Sun 21-Apr-13 18:12:48

She is an abuser, she is not your friend. You need to walk away from both of them because this is a poisonous dynamic. Go to the police and report the assault by your mother. Leave your DH, anyone who holds a blanket over your face is a disgrace - whatever goading you have done. Then get some counselling on your own to help you deal with your upbringing and the fact that you ended up with an abusive husband - the two are almost certainly interlinked. You cannot 'goad' people into being violent, they ALWAYS have the choice not to be.

Hissy Sun 21-Apr-13 18:14:03

My love, what you describe about how you feel about you mother appears more like fear, not love.

You need to leave your Mum behind. She could literally be the death of you.

I'm so sorry.

BabyHMummy Sun 21-Apr-13 18:15:24

hissy no one is attacking her they are quoting her original post in which she states she regularly goads her dh.

firesidechat Sun 21-Apr-13 18:15:46

Hissy the OP said this:

I can be agressive and goady.Hard to live with and emotionally complicated.

That's where it came from.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Sun 21-Apr-13 18:18:40

yes fireside....but it doesn't matter she's obviously being abused and has grown up with it.

firesidechat Sun 21-Apr-13 18:18:48

By the way, I didn't intend my post to mean that the husband and mother weren't behaving appallingly. Just saying that the OP has some issues with aggression too.

CleopatrasAsp Sun 21-Apr-13 18:22:44

Victims often feel they are to blame and that they 'goaded' an aggressor into hurting them. Violence is always the fault of the perpetrator.

She also admits to being violent in the past. She needs help just like the others.

havingtrouble Sun 21-Apr-13 18:25:12

I just want to be alone.

Lueji Sun 21-Apr-13 18:26:20

I do wonder about the aggressive and goady, and the difficult to live with.

Many DV victims state similar things because that's what they have been led to believe, including by their mothers.
(I was too as that's how my mother classified me when I stood up to her, as she needs yes people around her)

Many DV victims lash out because there has been so much already that yes, they are often in a bad mood, and depressed.

CleopatrasAsp Sun 21-Apr-13 18:26:21

She may have been violent in the past but she wasn't violent in either of these two situations.

havingtrouble Sun 21-Apr-13 18:26:39

as in away from all this.He just walked in with kids.I am in bed crying and said I was not good to look after kids.He is not happy about this.

CleopatrasAsp Sun 21-Apr-13 18:26:49

Except in self-defence in the second situation.

Lueji Sun 21-Apr-13 18:28:25

Of course he's not happy. He doesn't respect your feelings.

So, you are a SAHM, presumably do everything at home, including with the children?

How, exactly, have you been violent to him in the past, BTW?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Sun 21-Apr-13 18:28:40

Your life sounds shit havingtrouble it really does. How long do you think you can go on like that?

That bond that you have with your mother is likely to be

traumatic bonding

You definitely need to get both these people out of your life. It won't get any better, only worse.

Ruprekt Sun 21-Apr-13 18:29:52

I think you need some time to sort yourself out. Alone.

How old are the children?

I would also cut all ties with your mother. Vile unsupportive woman.

Life would be so much better for you without them both!

op please seek help. At the very least it will work in your favour, should u report the assults to the police and the launch counter allegations.

If someone calls SS after hearing all this then you really need to start looking into how to make the situation safe for your children. That means your dh has to go. And you need to cut out your mother.

If you continue to allow yourself to be involved in relationships with dh and DM where it results in acts of violence then just imagine how hurt one or all of you could get. Please for the sake of your children you have to do something! sad

whattodoo Sun 21-Apr-13 18:33:45

I strongly suggest you follow cocolepew's advice. Your life, and your DC's lives will continue to be unhappy otherwise.

Lueji Sun 21-Apr-13 18:35:24

You and your mother remind me of my own mother and my grandmother.
My GM was abusive to my mum and to this day (one is over 100, the other over 70!) my mum yearns for motherly love, which she doesn't get.

Only now she's starting to detach emotionally, and that has taken work by her children.

If you do stay, do tell both of them that if they ever lay a finger on you again, you will report them to the police. And do it if it happens, if you don't report them now (which you should!).
It took a few reports, but my ex seems to have finally realised that I will report him every time he steps over the mark.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Sun 21-Apr-13 18:37:10

You may have overlooked this because you have been living in such an awful environment for such a long time but Sundays are supposed to be the best day of the week. Families spending time together, mums and dads off work, everyone enjoying themselves.

Your sunday was spent being smacked around by your mother and your husband sad

Hissy Sun 21-Apr-13 18:39:35

Standing up for yourself against someone who beats you, or suffocates you, tring to defend yourself against abusers is always deemed (by them) as thou you, the victim, are the agressor.

For those suggesting 'anger issues' here, DON'T.

There are no anger 'issues'. The abusers, H and M are not angry, they are in full control of their feelings, it's all about power and control.

Telling us that we are the reason for their abuse is all part of it.
As for suggesting that the DC should be fostered, WTAF?

Some here need to hang their heads in shame.

Listen and learn.

All victims are told they are the abuser, they are mad, they cause all this, it's part of the script of these insignificant, pitifully impotent creatures. They rule, rage and destroy those they can to make themselves feel better.

There is no limit to the length they will go to.

So, please, let's not support that script, let's share and help the OP to see that she's not alone, and that what is happening to her is not her fault. It's not even about her.

OP, please just get your DC and go. Get out, as soon as you can? Pease go to the police station, please get help.

You wil all get through this, you and the DC, and you have to, for their sake!

GiveMumABreak Sun 21-Apr-13 18:43:58

I'm so sorry to hear about your distress OP. clearly growing up in an abusive home, without the unconditional love and support of your Mum has damaged you (hence your own temper and outbursts?) I think you have chosen a partner prone to the same (why do we always do that? Get drawn to the same and repeat the cycle). You need to end your relationship, get your children out of that environment (before they too are damaged) get counselling and help for yourself, take a break from your mum and over time - when you are finally standing on your own two feet - you should decide whether you can forgive her and rebuild your relationship. Wishing you much strength.

piprabbit Sun 21-Apr-13 18:47:06

Please contact Women's Aid on their 24hour freephone number 0808 2000 247.

You have been assaulted by the two people you should be able to trust. I personally think you should be considering ways to get out of there - but WA are much better placed to give you advice and support.

PenelopePortrait Sun 21-Apr-13 18:52:13


You have been raised by a violent mother, and this has screwed with your head, associating love and violence together. This may well have influenced your choice of partner, since you have ended up with a violent husband. Their 'ganging up on you' is probably deliberate on their parts - by colluding with each other, they reassure themselves that they are normal, and lay all the blame for what happens at your door.

You need to get away from both of them, and you need to get your DC away from them.

piratecat Sun 21-Apr-13 19:13:13

what's the Mmmmm for

havingtrouble Sun 21-Apr-13 19:40:45

Thanks to all for taking the time to respond.I am grateful and have a lot to think about.Have read trauma bonding link and it resonates.
I could ask dh to leave for a few days and give me space.

I have family visiting from abroad.This is a big trip for them and I do not want to ruin it with this situation.I will be civil to dm over the next few days.The more I think about it and reflect on my childhood, the angrier I feel.

Lueji Sun 21-Apr-13 19:48:54

Anger can be good.

But don't take it on your mother, just use it to find the strength to remove yourself and your DC from this unhealthy environment.

As they say, don't get mad...

By walking away you remove their power over you.

Stay safe and strong.

mydaytocleanthefridge Sun 21-Apr-13 19:53:49

Stay angry, Trouble

Print out and re-read Hissy and Lueji's posts

Keep them with you

Those who don't understand (fair enough) or have made cowardly prissy little comments (words can't describe) - accept that you have the great fortune not to understand the dynamic of these kinds of relationships

havingtrouble Sun 21-Apr-13 20:09:25

I would just like to add how touched and surprised I am your (99%) kindness and insight.

reelingintheyears Sun 21-Apr-13 20:16:20

Good luck,i hope you get yourself some help.

And keep a record.

olgaga Sun 21-Apr-13 20:24:36

You need to ring Women's Aid. You are in a horrible situation and need a fresh start with your DD well away from these terrible, violent people.

They will give you support long term and get you back on your feet.

OxfordBags Sun 21-Apr-13 22:05:53

The people who are making a thing out of the OP calling herself goady, hard to live with, complicated, etc. etc. - please consider the fact that she thinks these things because she has been made to feel they are true, first by her own mother and then by partners (because I bet, OP, other men have treated you badly and told you you're those things you call yourself). Sorry, but it does wind me up when someone with obvious very low self-esteem, who has been treated like shit in a relationship, or possibly ever since childhood, calls themself negative things and posters replying don't stop to apply a tiny bit of perception to understand that these ideas abut herself are part and package of her abuse and most likely not actually true.

Also consider that even if she is goady, the responsibility for whatever response occurs as a result lies 100% with the person reacting, not the person goading.

OP, you have been treated appallingly. Your mother had no right to do that to you as a child, and she certainly has no right to do it now you are an adult. And what your Oh did to you was terrifying; any abuse that involves even the smallest risk of suffocation and choking, which you suffered, is considered very serious abuse and a massive red flag to experts. I'm also very concerned that from your description, that your DD witnessed this? You know how being part of a family where abuse occured has left you self-hating and tolerating being abused? That's her future too, if you continue to tolerate it.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sun 21-Apr-13 22:13:18

you are not responsible for your childhood and how you were treated. But it is obviously affecting you as an adult. You really need help to get out of this horrendous situation.

Womens Aid will help you. Please call them. Your mum isnt your friend, or even a decent person. Your husband hits you and is validated by your mother. Both of them are enabling each others abuse of you. sad

I really hope you can leave this relationship/s with your DC and get the help and support that you need.

havingtrouble Sun 21-Apr-13 22:15:47

I genuinely am very volatile.It is true.
No children witnessed this.DS is sick of the arguing and I am so tired.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sun 21-Apr-13 22:19:43

It is no wonder you are volatile, you probably dont know what it is to have a 'normal' relationship with someone you love. sad I dont mean that to sound patronising.

Things need to be dealt with, and your DC will know something is wrong. Kids arent stupid. Please get you and them out of this situation.

Lueji Sun 21-Apr-13 22:25:06

Somehow I suspect you'll find yourself less volatile when you get rid of those people and surround yourself with normal, friendly and loving people.

BabyHMummy Sun 21-Apr-13 22:34:45

As someone who suffered similar as a child you do need to break the cycle. your behaviour will be a result of your childhood and made.worse by dh's behaviour and attitude.

Get the help you need before history repeats.with your dc's. Being a sahm doesn't mean you should allow your life to continue on this way. You need to shed there abusive people from your life...they need to get help too but what is smportent are your children

BlackeyedSusan Sun 21-Apr-13 22:43:34

you can get photos done by victim support if you do not want to go to the police.

OxfordBags Sun 21-Apr-13 23:57:12

I'd be surprised if you weren't volatile, after a childhood like that, you poor thing.

Lavenderhoney Mon 22-Apr-13 06:12:05

Sounds awful, and none of it is your fault and you cannot be blamed. Your mother is a monster and shouldn't be near you or your dc. Your dh too. They feed off each other and that I find chilling.

Forget analysing your past for now as it will get in the way of leaving. It's clear if you give them any notice you will be in grave danger ( even more than now)

Call women's aid. Go to the police station so its on record, follow the advice here of the ladies who know and have been through it. Follow the advice of professionals. Of course you can't think straight and want it all to go away (again) by carrying on. Also, stop the counselling - is it joint? I think from other threads joint counselling where dv is involved is not recommended.

The presence of family visiting hasn't stopped your mother and dh, in fact, it can only escalate. It's not for you to pretend everything is ok for their sake.

Personally, I would pick up the dc and go straight to a refuge, or the police station. I wouldn't go home. I can see that might be hard for you as you are conditioned to think this behaviour is normal and its your fault- somehow you deserve it. You don't. The time for talking is past.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 22-Apr-13 08:00:52

I'm shocked by your story OP and hope you find help and safety with the authorities as others have recommended. If you have problems with volatility it's bound to be because you have been damaged as an individual. Brutality results in brutality and you have a golden opportunity here, not only to get help for yourself and get you away from these abusive people, but to break the cycle for your child/ren and stop them being brutalised by the people in their environment in turn.

I'm sure you think you love your mum. Don't worry. But she is a very nasty character and what she has done is literally criminal - assault. A good mother would protect you from a violent husband, not bully you into staying with him. Please don't repeat her terrible mistake. Protect your children.

Good luck

Lucylloyd13 Tue 23-Apr-13 10:11:35

You need help.

I agree that a visit to a DV unit would be a good start.

Unpicking this will not be easy, you are in an environment where violence is a solution. Short term, severing contact with your husband and mother is a huge ask.

All of you need to understand the alternatives for a long term solution. DV units are very good at identifying behaviour patterns, and how to make choices.

The good news is that very few of us are violent to the ones we love out of malice, it can happen because that is the only way of expressing felings. Learning alternatives is essential for all concerned, not least for your children.

sassy34264 Tue 23-Apr-13 10:35:58

I use to believe myself to be goady (antagonistic) and aggressive.

And i use to get absolutely furious with him hitting me. 'who the fuck do you think you are' sort of thing. And i would lash out too. Think flailing arms as he was hitting me.

I look back now with hindsight and see someone who was trying to verbally stick up for herself and attempting some self defence.

They all say that you push their buttons (goady, antagonistic, aggressive) and mine would tell people (and believe) that i was violent to him. hmm

Please leave and have nothing to do with your mother. What right has your dh or your mother to be in cohorts about your relationships. shock

I'ts like they believe they are parenting you as a child.

I very much doubt you would regret leaving. I've yet to hear a woman who was in an abusive relationship and left, say they regret it.

And you are in a much worse position because you are in 2 abusive relationships sad

Every now and again, you get a thread that is even sadder than the normal abuse, cheat, liar threads, and this is one of them .

Holding your hand and hoping you will find the strength to leave.

sassy34264 Tue 23-Apr-13 10:42:17

oh yes, and i picked up a knife once.

Not to stab him, just because i thought he won't hit me if i have a knife.

Fecking prick knew it, and tried to wrestle it off me. I have never been so frightened in all my life. I really thought that if he got it, he would stab me.

But this could all be misinterpreted to look like i was the aggressive one.

hairtearing Tue 23-Apr-13 10:54:58

In the nicest possible way, are you all on crack? (aimed at people who call OP violent)

A grown woman was attacking her, violently and she had to hit her to get her off, that is a desperate situation not a violent person, being her mother makes absolutely no difference.
When I was 11 my mother cracked me around the head several times and caught my newly pierced ear in the process, the pain made me lash out and she received the biggest crack on her forehead, she never did it again, sometimes it needs to be done.
As for the person who suggested putting her kids in foster care, that is awful, she is a victim what an awful to say.
I second police action and leave now, a refuge? this is an awful situation.

GiveMumABreak Wed 24-Apr-13 10:55:59

'A good mother would protect you from a violent husband, not bully you into staying with him.'

^ ^
I second that sentiment!

TheRealFellatio Wed 24-Apr-13 11:00:01

Why is your mother so over-invested in your staying in this marriage to the point where she physically attacks you if you upset your husband?

Is there cultural/religious pressure to keep quiet and make the best of it, so as not to shame the family?

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