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I feel like such a... perv!

(214 Posts)
GoldieMumbles Sun 21-Apr-13 15:11:51

blush I've just ordered myself a blush

chastity belt

DH often goes away for work for a couple of days at a time - sometimes more - and I really get turned on by the idea of being strapped in... so I've ordered a chastity belt and next time he's away I'm going to ask him to lock me into it... So I feel like such a perv. But I suppose I am... blushblushblush aren't I?

And he doesn't know about it yet, either. Yikes!

AnyFucker Sun 21-Apr-13 15:15:22

That's nice, dear

Ok, how will you wash your fanny? Won't you hum a bit by the time he returns, or is that the idea?

Coffee1Sugar Sun 21-Apr-13 15:23:02


GilmoursPillow Sun 21-Apr-13 15:26:40


I have it in my head it will be one of these bleurgh

BOF Sun 21-Apr-13 15:29:16

Ah, Sunday afternoon, a roast cooking, a lovely feel-good movie, and now a thread about some strange woman's sexual kinks and speculation about her unwashed fanny to get stuck into. How nice.

AnyFucker Sun 21-Apr-13 15:30:36

It's her lucky, lucky husband who is going to "get stuck into it"

BIWI Sun 21-Apr-13 15:30:39

Bleurgh. Thank you for sharing that with us.
Why on earth people here want to share the seedy details of their sex lives I never know.

YoniMatopoeia Sun 21-Apr-13 15:31:08

Are you in hull?

dondon33 Sun 21-Apr-13 15:31:39

I 'get' the idea for a few hours maybe, but a few days shock seriously?

No way I'd risk the health of my foof by keeping it locked up for days, maybe you should have some canestan combi on standby.

Erm - good luck with it all.

AnyFucker Sun 21-Apr-13 15:31:43

Ah, BIWI, I oftentimes think it is the ones not getting any that feel the need to wax lyrical about kinky they are...

AnyFucker Sun 21-Apr-13 15:32:59

14yo boys, smelly middle aged men, hairy-handed individuals of either gender, "creative" writers....

BIWI Sun 21-Apr-13 15:33:57

<taps side of nose>

HolyFocaccia Sun 21-Apr-13 15:38:26

erm...ok love whatever floats your boat.

You wouldn't be able to wash and no man whats a mouldy taco

Well if it looks like a perv, talks like a perv and, erm, walks like a perv in a chastity belt...

Sunnywithshowers Sun 21-Apr-13 15:39:53


HolyFocaccia Sun 21-Apr-13 15:39:58


StuffezLaYoni Sun 21-Apr-13 15:42:04

Dear god

mejon Sun 21-Apr-13 15:48:27

Are you in Hull? grin

LoserNoMore Sun 21-Apr-13 15:59:16

Ah, Sunday afternoon, a roast cooking, a lovely feel-good movie, and now a thread about some strange woman's sexual kinks and speculation about her unwashed fanny to get stuck into. How nice.


VitoCorleone Sun 21-Apr-13 16:01:28

How long is he away for?!

GoldieMumbles Sun 21-Apr-13 16:01:38

Hull? Wassat got to do with it? No, I'm not - but is that something naive? Don't think I'll be trying it for days at a time first off... I'll have to start slowly. Sorry to those of you who feel nauseated - but nobody forced you to reply...

Coconutty Sun 21-Apr-13 16:07:50

Cool. AIBU to hope it goes rusty and that we then see you on a thread saying you're at A&E?

Coffee1Sugar Sun 21-Apr-13 16:08:27

Why the hell did you start a thread to announce this to everyone?!

AnyFucker Sun 21-Apr-13 16:09:06

Hull is the Kink Capital of the UK

A veritable Mecca for the alternative lifestyle

You might want to consider a relocation there smile

ScooseIsLooseOnTheLoopyJuice Sun 21-Apr-13 16:10:24

Nice hmm

Wishfulmakeupping Sun 21-Apr-13 16:14:30

We need a link to comment further OP
<pulls up chair tries not to focus on the 'smell' side of things>

Shouldn't you be doing the last of your homework before school tomorrow?

<<violently scrubs mental images of chastity belts and unwashed nether regions from mind before throwing up>>

gillywillywoo Sun 21-Apr-13 16:22:13

DH just said to me "oh my god what are you READING?!"

Due to the fact my face was an interesting mix of grinshockhmmconfusedblush

scaevola Sun 21-Apr-13 16:25:20

SIL used to live in Hull. I must get drunk with her some time soon.

cocolepew Sun 21-Apr-13 16:25:56

Im never eating tacos again, thanks,SP.

You are welcome Cocole grin

She will soon find out what blue waffle is!

GoldieMumbles Sun 21-Apr-13 16:33:37

"Why the hell did you start a thread to announce this to everyone?!"

It didn't seem to fit in any of the existing threads grin.

"Shouldn't you be doing the last of your homework before school tomorrow?"

Ah! Homework! 'tis but a distant, 20 year-old memory.

As for Hull, no, I live about a thousand miles due south of there.

YoniMatopoeia Sun 21-Apr-13 16:38:38

Ok. Not Hull then. Have you really thought this through? Quite apaart from the potential chafing. What if your period arrives early, or you get a bout of D and V ?

Yoni grin if that happens that it will rust!

nenevomito Sun 21-Apr-13 16:41:01

I'm curious about how you will tackle VCL (visible chastity line)?

What happens if the weather gets hot and you feel the lure of white linen trousers?

Tell me; is it an unhinged chastity belt? I'm sure the ones of yore came with hinges, but this definitely sounds like it has to be unhinged to work.

Ruprekt Sun 21-Apr-13 16:41:36

Bleurgh! How gross! Think you will hum of fish in your nether regions by the time your dh returns!

And I agree BIWI......would much rather chat about low carbing! smilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmile

NoelHeadbands Sun 21-Apr-13 16:42:46

That's one 'help with my Mooncup' thread that I won't be answering

GoldieMumbles Sun 21-Apr-13 16:44:36

"Have you really thought this through?"

Probably not, especially regarding D&V.

"What if your period arrives early"

Oooh! Careful! Mention of bodily functions might make some of the more sensitive souls feel queasy as they tuck into their Sunday afternoon tea!Since I switched off the mini-pill I've been as regular as clockwork.

EauRouge Sun 21-Apr-13 16:48:34

I'm going to regret asking this... how do you go for a crap if you're wearing a chastity belt?

BreasticlesNTesticles Sun 21-Apr-13 16:51:27

Have you got a link?!

And I thought Doncaster was the capital for "niches"

Anniegetyourgun Sun 21-Apr-13 16:54:07

Y'know, I always thought the word "no" was a lot cheaper, more comfortable and a lot more hygienic.

Ok curiosity got the better of me and I had a look on lovehoney.

[[ how would you crap in this?]]

The men's ones are hilarious, like kryten's penis

AKiss the men's one looks hilarious! Like a like water gun!

RhondaJean Sun 21-Apr-13 16:56:49

I'm's an education!

Yowsers, remember how much a slinky used to pinch if you caught it in your fingers.

Maat Sun 21-Apr-13 17:00:04

shock grin

Maat Sun 21-Apr-13 17:00:52

You'd want to warm that on a radiator before putting it on.

RhondaJean Sun 21-Apr-13 17:01:48

There's ones with erm <whispers>. Plugs?

dontyouwantmebaby Sun 21-Apr-13 17:02:03

was going to say 1/10 but 3 pages on a sunny Sunday afternoon is not too shabby...wink

Maat grin

Each to their own and all that but not a chance would I wear metal kbickers!

Letting mt fanjo fester is just not for me

ReluctantlyBeingYoniMassaged Sun 21-Apr-13 17:05:47

Are you planning to keep it on the whole time?

Maat Sun 21-Apr-13 17:05:59

I can't run for the bus at the best of times. I wouldn't stand a chance wearing one of them.

GoldieMumbles Sun 21-Apr-13 17:06:16

Thise who wanted a Linky to the one I ordered.

Ok now you have to tell us if you got the vaginal and anal plug they sell to go with it.

JeremyPiven Sun 21-Apr-13 17:07:36

Are you not worried about clanking at work?

Dear god! Its a fucking thong!

How the fuck are you going to pull that out of your arse?!

Looks like something Robocop would wear

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes Sun 21-Apr-13 17:09:04

oh god I googled... read this

Maat Sun 21-Apr-13 17:09:39

Oh dear lord, it reminds me of something for cutting cheese.

<clears history>

JeremyPiven Sun 21-Apr-13 17:10:40

My grandmother would say, what if you get run over by a bus?

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes Sun 21-Apr-13 17:11:23

is there a way to clear history without losing the colour changes on threads you have read? If I clear everything they all go back to the original colour and I don't know which box to untick to stop it happening.

GoldieMumbles Sun 21-Apr-13 17:11:28

"Ok now you have to tell us if you got the vaginal and anal plug they sell to go with it."

One, not the other wink

Portofino Sun 21-Apr-13 17:11:32

Oh - they don't come in my arse size. It's discrimination I tell you. I am going to start on petition.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes Sun 21-Apr-13 17:11:48

jeremy grin

Oh my God.

That looks painful!

NoelHeadbands Sun 21-Apr-13 17:14:47

You don't work with magnets do ou?

GoldieMumbles Sun 21-Apr-13 17:16:36

"My grandmother would say, what if you get run over by a bus?"

I'd have to be bloody unlucky. I live out in the sticks and there's only one bus in each direction each day. More chance of being hit by a meteorite.

What if there's lightning while you are put and wearing it?

Maat Sun 21-Apr-13 17:19:50

StepAway not sure how you do that. I just cleared the last hour so most of what I have read today is still a different colour.

TunipTheVegedude Sun 21-Apr-13 17:19:52

£149 OP! shock

Are you going to put it on Ebay when you're finished with it?

RhondaJean Sun 21-Apr-13 17:21:15

What the blazes is a chastity device with a piercing?

ReluctantlyBeingYoniMassaged Sun 21-Apr-13 17:23:33

Not in my size either. Shame...

ReluctantlyBeingYoniMassaged Sun 21-Apr-13 17:24:11

And it would put an end to yoni massages grin

fuzzpig Sun 21-Apr-13 17:27:17

Oh good god, my eyes.

PMSL at the men's ones, but I do have a question about them (purely curiosity I might add, no intention of venturing into this bizarre world hmm). What happens if they get, erm... excited?! While wearing the cage?! <wince>

AnyFucker Sun 21-Apr-13 17:29:39

More money than sense, you must have

TunipTheVegedude Sun 21-Apr-13 17:31:45

Yes. A good hardware shop, some basic metalworking skills and I'm sure you could make your own for under a tenner.

YoniMontana Sun 21-Apr-13 17:49:07

Yes. A good hardware shop, some basic metalworking skills and I'm sure you could make your own for under a tenner

Bet you won't see that on Kirstie's Homemade Home!

Fuzz I guess it kills like a mother fucker and they quickly become unexcited unless that's their thing.

i guess if its the slinky like one it would slice the nob like it pepperoni

killerrobot Sun 21-Apr-13 17:54:06

I've got a friend who worked in a sex shop one strapped-for-cash summer.

She said that almost without exception the people who buy chastity devices are the kind of mingers you can't believe have anyone to shag, let alone receive other offers.

Ledkr Sun 21-Apr-13 17:56:55

Never mind wash! How will you wee and pooh?

JeremyPiven Sun 21-Apr-13 17:56:59

Are you channeling Yoda AF ?

Sliced knob grin a bit like one of those egg slicers

tethersend Sun 21-Apr-13 17:58:14

That's the worst looking hat ever.

It wouldn't even keep your hair dry.

HazeltheMcWitch Sun 21-Apr-13 17:58:36

OP, it comes with a handy cheese grater too.
So that's nice.

HazeltheMcWitch Sun 21-Apr-13 17:59:40

Is anyone a firefighter or locksmith? Or knows one?
Please can you ask them if they ever have to do 'rescues' from chastity devices?

fuzzpig Sun 21-Apr-13 18:01:07

<howl> at pepperoni penis!

fuzzpig Sun 21-Apr-13 18:04:50

Never mind wash! How will you wee and pooh?

It's ok Ledkr, because according to the woman writing the blog post Eccles linked to, [she] can now defecate without soiling the belt.

Good for her.

babyradio Sun 21-Apr-13 18:07:55

£150!? I like how it's described as 'luxury'. More money than sense I think.

I guess it takes balance

killerrobot Sun 21-Apr-13 18:10:52

'poo' doesn't end in 'h'.

GoldieMumbles Sun 21-Apr-13 18:11:01

"More money than sense, you must have"

Thanks for the thoughtful insight Yoda. Not the first time you've had a go at me, either, is it? I love well-balanced posters.

Ledkr Sun 21-Apr-13 18:16:07

Well balanced enough to want to lock their yoni?

YoniLovesChachi Sun 21-Apr-13 18:17:38

Seriously, these things aren't meant to be worn for days are they? Surely they're for short-lived fun ie not when you might need to go to the toilet, go to work/the gym, sleep, drive etc.

It seems so impractical no shit, Sherlock

GoldieMumbles Sun 21-Apr-13 18:18:03

"More money than sense I think."

Well, shock, horror. Another thread that drops to the level of bitching at the OP. Whenever I read that statement I think it should probably be more like:

"More money than sense I think envy"

So yeah, I do earn enough of my own money that I can purchase, frankly, what I bloody well like. So what? angry

killerrobot Sun 21-Apr-13 18:18:16

Goldie if you come on here simply to talk about your sex life (and who the fuck cares?) then show a link to the lovely cheese grater/chastity belt you have spent £150 on you are asking for ridicule, sorry.

Especially when we are in the middle of a recession and lots of mums on here are struggling to afford things like school trips etc for their kids.

You can understand surely why lots of people on here think you are a loser spending that kind of money on something like that?

And you could always have, you know, kept it private.

Chubfuddler Sun 21-Apr-13 18:19:13

Come on op. no point getting huffy. You posted for reactions. You got them.

killerrobot Sun 21-Apr-13 18:19:38

Earn your own money, live your own life, keep it all to yourself.

No attention-seeking, no bitching.

Might as well just stitch your fanjo up. Probably more comfortable and alot cheaper

GoldieMumbles Sun 21-Apr-13 18:20:42

"Well balanced enough to want to lock their yoni?"

So I want to have a bit of fun! Dear Lord! Yeah, maybe it's a bit of weird fun. In this case, I think that well balanced means there's a chip on both shoulders.

I'm reading that link like shock

The balance comment I made was about how you would use the toilet

GoldieMumbles Sun 21-Apr-13 18:22:06

"You posted for reactions. You got them."

Yep, onto the 5th page of them. It's all good sport wink.

GoldieMumbles Sun 21-Apr-13 18:23:28

"No attention-seeking"

Aww! Spoilsport grin

Is it just me wondering if the OP's DH works abroad? Imagine if he had an accident or took seriously ill and while he had the key and she had to catch a plane to where he was. Can you imagine! shock

killerrobot Sun 21-Apr-13 18:25:30

Goldie it's hilarious that you are slagging everyone else off when you've done the weirdest thing starting this thread.

Did you feel really excited when you typed in those FIVE embarrassed faces? You were right to be embarrassed. Not for spending £150 on a chastity belt that looks like a cheese grater but for coming on here to tell a load of strangers about it.

YoniLovesChachi Sun 21-Apr-13 18:26:10

You could save yourself the £150 by simply not washing your undercarriage whilst your DH is away. Same results without the expense and discomfort.

FarleyD Sun 21-Apr-13 18:30:23

Doncaster is the new capital of niches Breasticles? shock. But but but ds's new girlfriend is from Doncaster and she seemed so innocent. She never gave me a chastity belt to put in the wash when she stayed recently, only your run of the mill knickers and tights and stuff.

GoldieMumbles Sun 21-Apr-13 18:33:19

"Goldie it's hilarious that you are slagging everyone else off when you've done the weirdest thing starting this thread."

I know! I'm laughing so hard that I think I might have felt a little bit of wee come out!

BreasticlesNTesticles Sun 21-Apr-13 18:34:15


Ah leave the OP alone, it's no worse than anal sex on a Friday in centre parcs really and about as hygenic

I don't think it's that kinky really, but genuinely am concerned about one's toilette.

babyradio Sun 21-Apr-13 18:35:27

I think you should go even further and buy yourself a full suit of armour.

YoniLovesChachi Sun 21-Apr-13 18:35:51

Oh dear. Don't watch You've Been Framed when you've got your new contraption on if a thread like this makes you piss yourself. You can't accommodate a Tena in one, I don't reckon.

BreasticlesNTesticles Sun 21-Apr-13 18:36:06

What can I say Farley, it's always the quiet ones wink

GoldieMumbles Sun 21-Apr-13 18:39:06

"I think you should go even further and buy yourself a full suit of armour."

smile Complete with stallion and lance?

AnyFucker Sun 21-Apr-13 18:42:22

Oh dear, Goldie

if people keep "having a go at you" had you considered you may, in fact, be a bit of an attention-seeking twat ?

just a thought

fuzzpig Sun 21-Apr-13 18:43:20

Did you feel really excited when you typed in those FIVE embarrassed faces?

Phwoar, I do love typing a good square bracket.



DrinkFeckArseGirls Sun 21-Apr-13 18:47:01

£150?! shock

GoldieMumbles Sun 21-Apr-13 18:49:47

"had you considered you may, in fact, be a bit of an attention-seeking twat ?"

Takes one to know one dearie. Like I said. Chip on both shoulders. Nobber.

"Phwoar, I do love typing a good square bracket."

Ctrl C after the 1st one, then Ctrl V for the following 4. Quicker than typing all those lovely sq. brackets.

50shadesofknackered Sun 21-Apr-13 18:55:00

Is your dh called Brian?

GoldieMumbles Sun 21-Apr-13 18:57:52

"Is your dh called Brian?"

Ummm, no. A bit random. Why?

AnyFucker Sun 21-Apr-13 18:58:55


YoniLovesChachi Sun 21-Apr-13 19:00:59

I still want to know if you've considered the practicalities of wearing it for an extended period? Wouldn't it show under clothing? Chafe? Be uncomfortable when sleeping, driving, exercising?

Staying home for a few days with a festering fanny simply to feel totally unavailable for sex sounds really boring.

nenevomito Sun 21-Apr-13 19:01:33

bit of wee come out

If that happens when you laugh then def not a good idea to buy a chastity belt. Unless its one made by Tena, of course.

gillywillywoo Sun 21-Apr-13 19:01:39

I have concerns about pooing and weeing with one of these on.....!!!!!


GoldieMumbles Sun 21-Apr-13 19:02:04


Op, you must be saving up for a sootikin with that chastity belt....

reelingintheyears Sun 21-Apr-13 19:03:36

Does that make you a nobber too Goldie?

You know,like you 'knowing' AF's a nobber? smile

GoldieMumbles Sun 21-Apr-13 19:04:01

Going to have to leave you wondering and go do some real life things. Oooh! Six pages! Hasta manana, amigas?

AnyFucker Sun 21-Apr-13 19:04:11

Takes one to know one, dunnit smile

GoldieMumbles Sun 21-Apr-13 19:05:48

"Does that make you a nobber too Goldie?"

We can both be twats and nobbers together. Why not?! Tata!

reelingintheyears Sun 21-Apr-13 19:06:45

What's an amiga?

gillywillywoo Sun 21-Apr-13 19:07:11

"Real life things"

......Like wearing a chastity belt grin

Each to their own....Good luck OP!

Looks awfully uncomfortable to me...
Surely just exercise some will power and don't shag/finger yourself?! grin It's not THAT hard to keep away from your yoni.

gillywillywoo Sun 21-Apr-13 19:08:33

Unless you have an amazing yoni.. In which case why do you want to lock it away? grin

50shadesofknackered Sun 21-Apr-13 19:09:02

Ooo Goldie you are more than a little bit strange. Not for wanting to wear a Chastity Belt <throws up> but because of your reaction to everybody who has answered or had an opinion on your rather odd choice. Sweetheart, nobody cares what you wear or don't wear or how many times you do or don't wash any part of your body. If that's what floats your boat, good for you. Now do fuck off and tell someone that cares wink

gillywillywoo Sun 21-Apr-13 19:09:59

Lmao 50shades gringrin

ItsYoniYappy Sun 21-Apr-13 19:11:36

Oh my lord,I have got to this age and never ever seen one before and it's ruined all my images, my mum used to say she was getting me one with a key and I always imagined a nice little pink pretty flowery something, not a metal contraption.

Wow my parents must have not trusted me a lot. Butt plug thing looks good being thrown in free and all that..... confused


AngelinaJoliesBeard Sun 21-Apr-13 19:16:43

This thread is so embarrassing if its real. I bet you are one of those women who regales everyone with their exaggerated sexual exploits ("ooh we bought a chastity belt and plug teehee!") while the people listening are clearly not interested whatsoever and hide their boredom out of politeness. Or you hang out with an equally sad bunch of women going through similar desperation to be interesting who lap up every word and bleat similar stories. It just makes me cringe for you!

Either that or a bored 14 year old boy.

AnyFucker Sun 21-Apr-13 19:16:50

Goldie, since you first referred to some "history" between us that I was not aware of (or had not obsessively held onto it like you have) I decided to see what your beef was with me

we had a disagreement on a thread about "Hooters"

not surprisingly, you are in favour of the existence of family eating establishments that sexually objectify women and I am not

all becomes clear smile

GoldieMumbles Sun 21-Apr-13 19:18:46

"If that's what floats your boat, good for you. Now do fuck off and tell someone that cares"

Cared enough to post though, didn't you wink

gillywillywoo Sun 21-Apr-13 19:18:48

Uh oh... Back to THAT hooters thread grin

ItsYoniYappy Sun 21-Apr-13 19:20:25

Actually if my DC found that I suspect DS2 would wear it on his head and pretend to be a Dalek. Do you have DC?

Me and my DF found her mum and Dads sexy pics (and other things) when we were 12, I could never look at them the same again.

GoldieMumbles Sun 21-Apr-13 19:22:44

"Goldie, since you first referred to some "history" between us that I was not aware of (or had not obsessively held onto it like you have) I decided to see what your beef was with me"

How could I hold on to this obsessively, not knowing you'd reply? Do you surmise that I was doing this to entrap you?

But when that same-old aggressive tone came back... your username simply clicked. It's quite rare, that tone. It makes you stand out from the crowd.

Ashoething Sun 21-Apr-13 19:23:24

Don't feed it peeps.

Good luck with the fanny rot op....

AnyFucker Sun 21-Apr-13 19:25:38

Out of all the posts on this thread, and that other thread mine is the one that stood out ?


I am doing something right after all smile

50shadesofknackered Sun 21-Apr-13 19:32:47

I was astounded by how odd you are and how rude you have been. If that's your idea of caring then no wonder you have a husband who would enjoy you wearing a chastity belt hmm reading this thread has been very funny as everyone is taking the piss out of you and your reactions are so strange! grin Good luck to you, I'm sure your money could have been put to better use for therapy but it yours so I hope you enjoy yourself alone and smelly sorry I have to go and throw up again and again and again.....

HoneyDragon Sun 21-Apr-13 19:36:13

And to think I thought seeing a pigeon fuck a magpie would be the weirdest shit I'd see today.

Enter Mumsnet (or not if its wearing metal knickers)

RhondaJean Sun 21-Apr-13 19:36:25

Oh I HAD to google sootikin didn't I...bleurgh!

AnyFucker Sun 21-Apr-13 19:37:14


gillywillywoo Sun 21-Apr-13 19:37:32

There are probably loads of websites out there to discuss this kind of thing... Mumsnet isn't really the place though is it?!
Surely this is just for attention?! Or it's just a troll in a gimp mask grin

fuzzpig Sun 21-Apr-13 19:39:51

I'm quite concerned about those attachable plug things. Doesn't the body change shape inside slightly when you move?! I'm sure sitting down with it in would be terribly uncomfortable.

reelingintheyears Sun 21-Apr-13 19:40:23

HoneyDragon,you saw a Pigeon fucking a Magpie?

gillywillywoo Sun 21-Apr-13 19:41:09

<googles sootikin>


HoneyDragon Sun 21-Apr-13 19:42:17

Yup. I stood watching for a good 10 minutes to ascertain that's what they were doing. Then felt like a bit of a perv so went home and a cup of coffee.

Locketjuice Sun 21-Apr-13 19:42:54

Yum. Smelly clunge to return home to after working away... Bet he's going to be so thrilled!

gillywillywoo Sun 21-Apr-13 19:43:39

Yes HoneyDragon.. You felt like a bit of a perv..


gillywillywoo Sun 21-Apr-13 19:45:03

The pigeon obviously didn't know the old rhyme... 1 for sorrow.. 2 for joy etc etc.

Shagging ONE magpie can't be very good luck.

HoneyDragon Sun 21-Apr-13 19:45:45

Yes, I feel distinctly less pervy now.

In fact I could have filmed the whole thing whilst wearing nipple tassels and a butt plug, and still not feel peverted in comparison to this thread.

Cheapskate. Shoulda got a neosteel wink

gillywillywoo Sun 21-Apr-13 19:47:28

That magpie should've worn a chastity belt to avoid the horrors of pigeon sex.

HazeltheMcWitch Sun 21-Apr-13 19:47:54

Shagging ONE magpie can't be very good luck.


gillywillywoo Sun 21-Apr-13 19:51:07

I have just had to clear my browsing history on my phone...

Female chastity belt

Fucking hell DH would be terrified.

gillywillywoo Sun 21-Apr-13 19:51:25

I have just had to clear my browsing history on my phone...

Female chastity belt

Fucking hell DH would be terrified.

Bloody hell. I'll never get those three minutes of my life back.

Unbelievable. Here we have the internet - possibly one of the greatest inventions known to humankind, able to spread equality, knowledge and justice across the globe.... and you go posting about how you're locking your arse up for a few days.
Go for the oral version next time, lovey...

Get thee back under the bridge, Missus. And take thy reeking backside with thee.

CunningAtBothEnds Sun 21-Apr-13 20:02:31

When wearing said thing. Where does the piss go? And the shit? Surely you would just be the possesor of a shitty pissy fanjo?

AnyFucker Sun 21-Apr-13 20:14:22

Get thee back under the bridge, Missus. And take thy reeking backside with thee.

Excellent smile

WD 40 anyone?

BitBewildered Sun 21-Apr-13 20:53:56

I found out about sootikins about a week ago sad. It lingers ...

gillywillywoo Sun 21-Apr-13 20:56:04

"It lingers"

Quite literally -inside ones vagina- blush

AngelinaJoliesBeard Sun 21-Apr-13 21:17:46

Ugh I got tempted and googled sootikins sad I feel a bit sicky now

StealthOfficialCrispTester Sun 21-Apr-13 21:24:17

"Add message | Report | Message poster GoldieMumbles Sun 21-Apr-13 17:16:36
"My grandmother would say, what if you get run over by a bus?"

I'd have to be bloody unlucky. I live out in the sticks and there's only one bus in each direction each day. More chance of being hit by a meteorite."

Pmsl grin

50shadesofknackered Sun 21-Apr-13 21:27:56

Why do I always, always have to google. sad

VanitasVanitatum Sun 21-Apr-13 21:38:22

Why oh why is no one explaining how you poo in this thing?!? I honestly need to know now. Feeling horrified /bemused but just cannot quite leave that point alone..

YoniLovesChachi Sun 21-Apr-13 21:40:48

You don't poo. You have to hold it in. It adds to the excitement grin

That's why a neo is a better buy ....


Lucyellensmum95 Sun 21-Apr-13 21:49:46

why did i google sootikins???

AngelinaJoliesBeard Sun 21-Apr-13 21:50:05

And then when your dp returns home, he removes the belt and you do him a little poo on the carpet. Its a proper turn on.

OxfordBags Sun 21-Apr-13 21:50:41


RhondaJean Sun 21-Apr-13 21:52:19

Sootikin and sweep anyone?

Whole new perspective on children's tv.

AnyFucker Sun 21-Apr-13 21:55:29

< snort >

Hasn't sootikin been on QI before?

greeneyed Sun 21-Apr-13 22:09:11

I'm not googling, what is it? Please don't make me!

'What is a Sootikin you ask.... A small, mouse-shaped deposit formed in the vaginal cleft, usually of poorer women who did not wear undergarments - common until the nineteenth century. A sootikin built up over several weeks, even months, of not washing. It was composed of particles of soot, dirt, sweat, smegma (qv) and vaginal and menstrual discharge. When it reached a certain size and weight, it tended to work loose and drop from under the woman's skirt.'

greeneyed Sun 21-Apr-13 22:17:39

akiss not sure whether to thank you or not though was just about to google and expect that would have been worse! Surely this is a myth?

AngelinaJoliesBeard Sun 21-Apr-13 22:21:45

Tell you what, greeneyed, I will be ever so kind and test it for you. My washing strike begins now grin

According to QI it's not a myth.

greeneyed Sun 21-Apr-13 22:31:29

angelina grin do you have a real fire? Wondering if soot is a vital ingredients!

It's hardly the first time people have shared their non-mainstream sexual preferences on MN. It's not that unreasonable for someone to want to discuss chastity belts on here as it's predominantly female, rather than on other sites where there are simply too many desperate men who will start jizzing all over the thread rather than contributing to the discussion.

AnyFucker Sun 21-Apr-13 22:39:02 don't think there are men who jizz over threads on MN ?

the place is crawling with them

OrangeFootedScrubfowl Sun 21-Apr-13 22:47:03

I don't believe in sootikins, sounds like nonsense.

Wow though, I wonder if they'll have little pigeon magpie crossbreed chicks. Pigpies!!

AngelinaJoliesBeard Sun 21-Apr-13 23:11:01

Greeneyed, I don't! Didnt think of that sad maybe I can build a bonfire and dance around it and gather soot that way?

HoneyDragon Sun 21-Apr-13 23:32:35

They better not be jizzing over my poor pigeon fucked magpie.

killerrobot Sun 21-Apr-13 23:38:28

Sootikin... bleeeurgh... worse than gleet

reelingintheyears Sun 21-Apr-13 23:41:24

Oh good grief.

AF: By jizzing over I meant posting repeatedly to invite the OP to come and lock them in a chastity belt or whatever. Men reading MN threads while flogging their foaming cocks is no big deal.

AnyFucker Sun 21-Apr-13 23:45:54

I think it may not be a "big deal" (there are foaming cocks wherever you go on t'internet) but the remit of a parenting website ??


Not really

JustFoofy Sun 21-Apr-13 23:58:23

Pigpies grin

<ignoring all other revoltingnessess>

Reeling! Not seen your name for a while.

EleanorFarjeon Mon 22-Apr-13 00:14:00

Apart from the sheer mingingness of it - why is it necessary?

Without it would the OP be having sex with every bloke she meets while her DH is away for a couple of days?

I did laugh at 'Looks like something Robocop would wear'

Ouchmyhead Mon 22-Apr-13 02:38:42

Just got my nephew back to sleep, read this, laughed too loud and woke him up again! Most surreal thing I've read tonight! Good luck to you OP, I can't think of anything less sexy than holding in a poo for a few days in a metal contraption, but there you go!

jynier Mon 22-Apr-13 03:11:24

Believe that OP has an engineering degree; maybe she's going to turn said chastity belt into some sort of Heath Robinson contraption that will fire up kitchen appliances, feed the kids, make toast, etc., while hubby is away!

CheerfulYank Mon 22-Apr-13 05:06:47

Sootikins! shock <clutches pearls>

Well I have never...

gillywillywoo Mon 22-Apr-13 06:19:12

Lol pigpies grin

LaLaGabby Mon 22-Apr-13 23:17:19

Perhaps if the OP needs to do a poo she could send a pigpie out to steal the shiny key and remember its way home to bring it back?

happyfreeconfused Mon 22-Apr-13 23:29:59

Why is it shaped like a mouse? Can you google image it? (scared to)

EauRouge Tue 23-Apr-13 07:37:31

I don't believe that a sootikin is a real thing. The top google result is urban dictionary and all the rest are warnings not to google it. It's a made up think to gross people out like munting.

eau it was talked about in history books mentioned on this MN thread

EauRouge Tue 23-Apr-13 08:23:28

Thanks for the link. I think I'll read it after I've finished eating breakfast!

fluffyraggies Tue 23-Apr-13 08:42:50

Pigpies grin

loudest laugh for this.

TunipTheVegedude Tue 23-Apr-13 13:02:35

I too am dubious about sootikins - it's possible, but even the source talked about on that thread seems to just be 'my friend's mum read a book once where it was mentioned' or similar.

We need a proper reference. <goes off to scour all my books on the history of sex>

BOF Tue 23-Apr-13 16:51:05

I think it was probably just a poo. Maybe popping out of the wrong place due to childbirth damage? But it sounds like a poo.

greeneyed Tue 23-Apr-13 22:07:42

BOF grin

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