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I am thinking of sending a letter to my husband: what do you think?

(88 Posts)
BranchingOut Sun 21-Apr-13 14:16:56

Dear DH

There have been a number of times in the period since DS was born when you have said that you held doubts about our relationship and questioned whether you would rather be separated/divorced. The most recent was a few weeks ago, in the car returning from our visit to X TOWN, and again when we were talking in bed the following night.

So I have had plenty of opportunity to think about what the future might be like as a separated couple. I have had to accept that hurt and live with the fact that, although these statements seem to gradually get brushed under the carpet, we continue with our day to day existence knowing, both of us, that you are not fully committed to me and to our shared future. I also increasingly have had to accept that the feeling you don’t really want me, for my own sake as your wife or the woman you love. I can’t remember when you last paid me a compliment or said that I have done something well. I feel that you just tolerate me, put up with me as second best, something mediocre, because I ‘come with the package’ of the house, DS and being a family man. This comes from your body language, from what you say and how you speak to me, especially in front of DS.

Accepting this is painful and I have had to look elsewhere to retain my pride and sense of self-esteem: to my own rational mind, to the love of my son, the pleasure and fulfilment I get from work and study, to the colleagues who value my work and to the occasional contact with my sister or friends.

Likewise, I feel that another casualty of our present relationship situation has been the opportunity for me to show weakness. I try really hard to keep on top of everything: working, household stuff, studying, being a good and patient mother to DS. But sometimes I need your help. Last Tuesday evening was one such time, when I was feeling low and mentally and emotionally exhausted from dealing with DS. This morning was another - I didn’t want to ‘make you the bad guy’ and I am sorry if I gave that impression, I just wanted practical help in getting home safely with the bags, scooter and a heavy three-year-old who had been trying to run away. But you seem to resent me having needed your help in these parenting situations, on Tuesday in particular. I would love to return to the feeling of give-and-take, that I can help you out when you need it, without recriminations, and that you would do the same for me.

The option that you have alluded to several times is to go our separate ways. Yet I do want to remain married. You know me better than any living person. I still love you and also hold you in high regard as father to DS. I don’t want him to grow up in a separated family, without the advantages that we could give him if we remain together.

Likewise, I don’t want you to be unhappy. I am sorry that you are unhappy. Why would I want you to be anything other than happy?

I want to be with you and I am prepared to ride-out a time of difficultly. I have often said that this phase of parenting is known to be hard work, for all couples. But I feel that we, together, need to make positive changes and a fresh commitment to our marriage.

Some ideas of what this might mean in practical terms:

Committing to an evening together, in the diary every week
Committing to a night away together, every six weeks.
A series of counselling sessions
Attending a parenting course together
Using a relationship textbook or workbook to bring a new perspective

I am sure that neither of us wants to live in this situation of uncertainty indefinitely and if necessary, I think we should agree a point in time when we review the situation and decide if we want to move forward together or make alternative plans.

With love, as always,
(signed)

WishIdbeenatigermum Sun 21-Apr-13 14:26:07

Great letter. Reasonable, unblamey, very coherent. I can imagine receiving it and reacting well. My only caveat would be would your dh 'get it'? Does he write and think like that?

CutMyFringe Sun 21-Apr-13 14:28:54

OP, I could have written that letter almost word for word, except that I don't think I love my H as much as you do yours (mine has made me deeply unhappy with his ongoing doubts and simmering resentment).

Anyway, I think that that is an honest, constructive letter, it comes across warmly and hopefully. I would send it and hope he steps up. He doesn't appreciate what he has, does he? So sad.

I am so sorry you are going through this , OP.

You're letter sets out clearly the hurt you're experiencing from your somewhat emotionally unavailable DH at present. Yet despite all this, you just want him to be happy .

I am afraid I don't have any great advice. You sound incredibly courageous and deserve better than this

Dryjuice25 Sun 21-Apr-13 14:31:46

Very well thought out and thoroughly articulate.

It's true you really can't live like this any longer as it's quite evident that it's killing you. I would send it and resolve this situation as your second and third paragraphs speaks volumes about this man and the state of your relationship. How awful for you.

I'm sorry you're hurting but his dithering suggests someone who wants out. But good luck with this. You sound like a good mum and person so it would be his loss...

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 21-Apr-13 14:34:50

Use the letter as an aide memoire but say it to his face. You should be able to talk to the person who is supposed to love you and you should be able to say what you want to say and know you'll be listened to and taken seriously. If you're resorting to writing letters it means you either fear his reaction or you think you'll be igored or dismissed. And that doesn't sound good to me.

Lizzabadger Sun 21-Apr-13 15:05:35

What is the back-story?

I wouldn't send the letter. I am sorry to go against the majority but I think it comes across as vicitimy and needy. In any case it's probably better to talk face to face.

Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you though?

BranchingOut Sun 21-Apr-13 15:43:30

I have already tried to say the majority of it face to face at various times, but it is very difficult to get my point across. He is about 50% more articulate than me...

If I say things about the way I feel, he will say stuff like 'it's all about you isn't it.'

Lizza, no, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me! It wasn't always like this...grin

Which parts come across as victimy/needy?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 21-Apr-13 15:50:52

I think it's a good way of getting your thoughts in order, OP, but I wouldn't send it. It's like a business letter with feeling in parts and I think a conversation would be far better. What do you intend to do? Give him the letter and watch him read it? See his contempt for you when he reads what you've boiled your relationship down to?

I'm a believer in speaking from the heart when the person you're speaking to is in there. Your letter doesn't do that at all, I think it veers between cold/analytical and pleading/semi-loving and it doesn't gel. If you really want to send a message in legalese, get a solicitor and pay them to do it for you.

balia Sun 21-Apr-13 16:00:30

I think if what you are going for is genuine honesty and an opening for moving forward, you need to acknowledge that if he feels really miserable and not able to commit to improving things within the marriage, that a dialogue can start with the purpose of sorting out how to end it. I think that is what you are getting at in the last paragraph but it is a bit vague.

<quietly hand holding>

BranchingOut Sun 21-Apr-13 16:02:21

Contempt from him is nothing new, I am afraid! This is a man who didn't speak to me for eleven days once, called me to a meeting to discuss things, then who showed me no affection for the subsequent five months while he worked out if he wanted to stay with me or not.

I am intrigued by your description of 'a business letter with feeling in parts', because I felt that I was writing quite emotionally. Maybe that is where we are these days? I think that I have had to harden myself somewhat, which in turn limits how open, trusting and loving I can be.

I was planning to send it via email.

Bumply Sun 21-Apr-13 16:05:55

Ive done the letter thing with my then partner.
He had just shut off mentally from me and conversation of this sort was impossible, either because he had comebacks on everything before I'd had my day, or because I would cry and be incoherent.
Obviously it's not ideal, but then neither is the situation.
Try handing it to him at a time he can read it with you there.

BranchingOut Sun 21-Apr-13 16:25:06

Did it work?

Servalan Sun 21-Apr-13 16:28:44

Oh I so feel for you. I've done the letters thing with my husband for years because it was a way of expressing my feelings reasonably without getting my words twisted or it turning into a nasty argument.

A few nights ago I was looking at letters from back in 2009 - and was able to see that actually, nothing has changed.

I think putting your case and seeing if you can work on it is fine, but however reasonable you are, and however constructive your ideas are, please don't be disappointed if you find nothing changes or if your constructive ideas get dismissed.

You can suggest and invite change - but if your DH doesn't want to change or think he's the one who needs to change then he won't.

Then again, my relationship with my husband has finally ended after I realised I can't put myself through any more rejection or disappointment - so I might not be the most objective person to comment...

Really hope it works out differently for you

purrpurr Sun 21-Apr-13 16:32:39

Branching, it sounds like it's already over. How else can he treat you this way?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 21-Apr-13 16:39:47

Branching... I guess I was saying that your letter is neither one nor the other. I don't think it will emote much from him anyway.

I'd not bother corresponding with him in writing at all. If it's gone that far - and it sounds as if it has - get a professional in to write him a letter to end it.

Paraphrasing the excellent and not at all gorgeous Alan Rickman in Robin Hood Prince of Thieves, "... it will hurt more".

You deserve better, so much better. That wasn't clear in my earlier post - it is now. I wish you the very best.

MrsSpagBol Sun 21-Apr-13 17:00:48

I think you should send it as a final opportunity for him to make an attempt to either participate in the marriage, or not.

I dont get the "victim/needy" comment as imho, there is no shame about being honest or wanting to fight for your marriage and/or family unit. I think pride should not come into it if you still love him.

That said, I would mentally prepare yourself for a reaction that you may not like ie no change or confirmation that he does want out.

For me personally, it would benefit me to know that I did all I could and clearly and calmly expressed my needs and expectations, even if I did not get the outcome I desired.

I wish you the very best flowers

"Contempt from him is nothing new, I am afraid! This is a man who didn't speak to me for eleven days once, called me to a meeting to discuss things, then who showed me no affection for the subsequent five months while he worked out if he wanted to stay with me or not."

That doesn't sound like he has any respect for you whatsoever. So when he finally decided to stay with you did he apologise profusely and shower you with love? Somehow I think not sad

balia Sun 21-Apr-13 17:15:55

From what you've said, it is highly unlikely that your DH will respond honestly or fairly or even politely to this letter. But that in itself will be a clear sign of his contempt and lack of interest in you. But it seems to me that he is giving you very, very clear signs already.

I think you should invest some equal time into a letter to yourself. Imagine you are writing to a really good friend. Set out some expectations of yourself, practical steps to take and ask yourself; are you fully committed to your life, future and happiness? Set out some possible reactions the letter you have written to your DH and what you think you should do about them. You've said you want to stay married to this awful person - perhaps it would be valuable to explore why.

Then you may find you don't need to send him a letter at all.

wordyBird Sun 21-Apr-13 17:21:52

I'm sure he can't really be 50% more articulate than you... You come across as very articulate to me. Perhaps he is just skilled at arguing, or twisting your meaning so that you cannot get your point across (which can be very exhausting to deal with).

This made me very sad for you:

Likewise, I feel that another casualty of our present relationship situation has been the opportunity for me to show weakness. I try really hard to keep on top of everything… But sometimes I need your help. Last Tuesday evening was one such time, when I was feeling low and mentally and emotionally exhausted from dealing with DS. This morning was another - I didn’t want to ‘make you the bad guy’ and I am sorry if I gave that impression, I just wanted practical help in getting home safely with the bags, scooter and a heavy three-year-old who had been trying to run away. But you seem to resent me having needed your help in these parenting situations.

Needing help is not weakness, and no-one should be made to feel that it is. Moreover, parenting is partly a series of tasks to be done, by parents - not one person, with the other complaining when asked to do their part.

Healthy, normal parents don't have to be asked to do parenting tasks, and they don't complain they've been made the bad guy when their three year old needs attention. Nor should anyone have to tell the person they love that helping each other out, without recrimination, is something they would like to experience. It's just normal – what is love about, otherwise? What would be the point of a relationship without that. sad

You sound like a very patient and conscientious lady. I hope you get the outcome you need.

fengirl1 Sun 21-Apr-13 17:31:45

Branching, I hope this doesn't sound too brutal - if so, I'm sorry. Like other posters, I was in this position, writing letters, notes and emails. I think you really need to examine why you are hanging on in there. I did it because I still loved him, wanted my dcs to belong to a two parent family and was also proud of how long we had managed to stay together. Suffice it to say, it made bugger alls difference in the end - nothing changed. Ultimately, I told him to go when I couldn't ignore the knowledge he didn't love or care for me any longer. I could kick myself that I didn't do it years sooner. Don't be me....

BranchingOut Sun 21-Apr-13 17:51:37

Am I committed to my future life?
I don't know.

I feel a bit low today and sometimes I feel as if my ties to life are not very strong. Not many close or functioning family members, friends seem to move away or always be busy. DS and DH are mostly all I have.

BranchingOut Sun 21-Apr-13 17:55:21

We have been together for so long that I would scarcely know how to unpick ourselves from each other.

Telling him to go would not work. He would not go.

BasilBabyEater Sun 21-Apr-13 18:01:06

I'm not really sure what to say about this letter, you're clearly very unhappy but I just feel the need to point out that 11 days not speaking to a partner because you're upset with them, goes way beyond contempt. That extended silent treatment is defined as an abusive behaviour and you should be aware of that.

BranchingOut Sun 21-Apr-13 18:04:58

In fairness, the 11 days plus five months episode was 2010-11, and I did decide to forgive that and put it behind us in order to give the marriage another try. So that is not really part of the present situation, just an illustration of how he has been in the past.

Although it does also illustrate how bloody desperate i am in order to have accepted that at the time.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 21-Apr-13 18:12:15

DS and DH are mostly all I have.

Branching... you have your DS and you always will. Your DH you don't really have at all, do you?

If you want to be with him, please don't let that be out of fear of being on your own. I think you have no idea of the strength of character you have. It's nothing to do with your DH who isn't supporting you at all (from what you write).

What would be your advice to your very best friend going through this? You'd be appalled, right? Don't sell yourself short of the best advice that you'd give a friend you loved.

Oh bless you. I really think you have to think of this as make or break time. Otherwise depression's going to hit you big time. How many more years of this can you or anyone stand?

Lizzabadger Sun 21-Apr-13 18:14:37

By my needy/victimy comment I mean that it seems needy/victimy to me to be writing to someone to (effectively) beg them to love you/commit to you when they have made it clear they don't/don't want to.

Like other posters I cannot imagine that he would treat the letter with anything other than irritation and contempt. He has already made it clear he has no love or respect for you.

Honestly you deserve better. Hold your head high and move on without him.

Servalan Sun 21-Apr-13 18:17:25

Oh Branching - feel really sad about what you put about ties to life, but I do understand.

My marriage has been miserable for the last 5 years - and I have MH problems on top of it (OCD). A year ago I was at my lowest, could barely get out of bed, felt totally isolated. My illness made my husband angry and my self esteem was at an all time low

Things have changed so much in a year - in my case it was getting decent therapy, reaching out to people, making new friends - and most importantly doing things to boost my self-esteem. I now feel great about myself and confident to tell my husband that I don't want to be with him anymore (made the decision a week ago and the relief I feel is immense).

What I'm trying to say is that you won't feel this way forever, and if you feel cut off and isolated, things can change really quickly. Put some work into you - not just in doing things well - but just doing things that you like - because you deserve it.

I don't think there's anything wrong with reaching out to your DH to resolve things - but when it comes to it, he needs to be on board too if you want to fix your marriage - and if it doesn't work out - things can and will get better for you flowers

I wouldn't send it, I'd walk away now. If there is anything to salvage he'll come running and in doing so will lose the power he has had dangling you on a string. If it really is over he'll be relieved and you'll save yourself months of misery and pain. You've tried talking and it hasn't worked so take control of your life.

My H treated me like sh*t too. It was only when I moved out and filed for divorce that he finally started to communicate and we sorted years of misunderstandings. We're back together and he is a lovely man again, the one I married. If he turns back into the cold emotionally remote man he turned into I'm out of here without a backward glance. Life's too short to accept second best.

BranchingOut Sun 21-Apr-13 18:29:35

That is impressive, worcestershire sauce!
Did you have children together at the time?

No dcs at the time, but I was pregnant. It makes no difference though as it is never better for dcs to see their mum treated badly.

"In fairness, the 11 days plus five months episode was 2010-11, and I did decide to forgive that and put it behind us in order to give the marriage another try. "
Oh Branching, it's now 2013 and you HAVE given the marriage another try. A substantial try. And look at how it has worked out - you are writing a letter to him because he'll use his articulacy to twist it if you try to say it to his face sad.

Be honest with yourself - can you really envisage him wanting to try?

JennyFromTheB0g Sun 21-Apr-13 20:30:11

Yes good letter.

Lovingfreedom Sun 21-Apr-13 20:44:48

IMO the best response you can expect from this letter is 'yeah whatever...'.

I think you would be better saying 'right..I have had enough of this..this can't go on' and get him involved in working out what needs to change....if he can be bothered changing anything.

Skinnywhippet Sun 21-Apr-13 20:51:34

I think send it to him, but don't be around when he reads it or he might feel awkward and react badly. He needs time alone to contemplate how you feel. Perhaps he is being very selfish, and needs time to consider you and when you speak to him he becomes very defensive.

cjel Sun 21-Apr-13 20:57:17

I feel so sad when a lovely lady blames her weakness and moodyness on herself and completely ignores that it may be DP causing it. I have had 30 odd years of MH issues, started to get my life together and realised I wasn't what he said. As I got stronger he got a girlfriend. I left and haven't had breakdown panic attack or any MH issues in the 2 years since. I've moved 3 times renting, selling and buying renovated, instigated all legal stuff and finished 2 yrs at college and help run a toddlers.
I wasn't mentally ill - in need of special help or medication like he told me.
Don't let him have any more of your life. Make a decision to take care of you, take control.

SlambangSweepstakeQueen Sun 21-Apr-13 21:04:52

Lovely letter but...

first, you need to know if he really wants to put in the work. Does he really want to be with you? If yes, he has to be committed to working at it. Not just you.

second, you need to work out if you really want to be with him. It seems to me you are saying you want to be with him because you don't want to be a single parent. That's not enough really, is it?

Sparklyboots Sun 21-Apr-13 21:20:52

My therapist liked letters as you could say what you needed to without being derailed... I think this is a good one but you need to have clear, this or it's over statements. Otherwise how will it differ from those conversations which drift into nothingness? That said, I rather think worcestershiresauce has a better strategy....

arsenaltilidie Sun 21-Apr-13 21:28:55

Hugs I can feel the emotions you are going through.
Send the letter for yourself, at least you will know you have tried all your best.

However it may be scary but start making preparation for divorce, let him know you are making preparations. He needs to take you seriously...
If after the trial period YOU are still not happy, just accept it's over and walk away.
I know easier said than done, but as you stated, both of you cant live in this situation indefinitely.

Lovingfreedom Sun 21-Apr-13 21:45:19

How about you imagine yourself as your DH getting that letter. Knowing him as you do, pretty well, how do you think he will react to each part of the letter? Be honest with yourself. Then decide if this is the best way to get what you want. Will he even read it all? Will he be surprised? Offended? Happy someone is broaching all these issues?

One thing I would say is posdibly a mistake is setting out the conditions like that. For example, You have put date nights together with therapy sessions. To me that would add going out with you to the 'to do' list rather than something to look forward to.

By offering all the solutions you are resolving him of any responsibility or opportunity to contribute to working things out.

NotMostPeople Sun 21-Apr-13 21:58:29

I agree with worcestershiresauce and would add another possible outcome. I did something similar in that after my exH left to 'think about what he wanted' I decided to stop crying and acting the victim even though my world had fallen apart. It was all part of a plan to get him to decide to make our marriage work even though he was making it very clear that he didn't want to. I figured that nobody finds a clingy, begging person attractive and that I should appear to be getting on with my life, making new friends and generally being fabulous. So that's what I did, I acted as if I was fine whilst actually being anything but. Until about three weeks into this plan when one day I realised that I was actually happier without him.

I wouldn't send the email. If you don't want to be with someone an email asking you to start caring isn't going to suddenly make you care. I think you should walk away with dignity, if he is ever going to realise that you are the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with that will be the moment. If he doesn't then you've made is as painless for yourself as possible and you never know you might be like me and realise that actually you are happier without him.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sun 21-Apr-13 22:27:23

Im sorry Op, but since your post about what happened in 2011 I would say you have tried very hard with your marriage. If it were me, I would be on my way out the door now Im afraid. sad

There is only so long you can go on wanting things to work out, but it takes 2 people to work hard, not 1 wishing it was better.

BranchingOut Sun 21-Apr-13 23:03:16

Thank you, food for thought. I am glad that I posted here rather than just pressing 'send'.

LemonPeculiarJones Sun 21-Apr-13 23:08:33

A very intelligent, rational letter OP.

But I have to say my heart absolutely fell when I got to paragraph five and you stated you wanted to stay in the marriage.

You deserve so much better. Good luck.

LeChatRouge Sun 21-Apr-13 23:29:04

If it were me, I would omit the list of conditions. If he is willing to salvage and try, you can come up with this list together.

I would send it. For me, the part that kept me sane during the lonely months after my significant relationship that produced three children ended, was the feeling that I had done absolutely everything in my power to make it work. I knew that I wouldn't be able to look back when the sadness and anger had dissipated and have any regrets.

I hope this gives you a way forward, whatever that may be.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 22-Apr-13 07:45:43

Reading more of your responses, definitely don't send it. When you say you got past the 2010-2011 problems what you really mean is that you opted to try to forget it and he did nothing whatsoever. Two years is a long time to live knowing you sold yourself short.

I think you'd benefit from planning an alternative life for yourself and your DS rather than 'not wanting him to be unhappy'. Spend half an hour with solicitor, for example, and find out your legal rights. Actively look into pricing up somewhere new you might live once the finances are sorted out. Start talking honestly to friends and family about what you've been enduring. What's holding you back at the moment is fear of the unknown and, although you say you've done a lot of thinking, knowledge is reassuriong & planning tends to turn into action. Pipe-dreams will remain just that and unacheiveable pipe-dreams will only depress and frustrate you.

You can unpick your lives but you need help - professional, practical and moral. Good luck

NotTreadingGrapes Mon 22-Apr-13 07:49:40

It's a good letter. (although in parts it sounds a bit straw-clutching, and yes, desperate for him to love you, to want you, to want to be what you want him to be)

For your own personal counselling, further down the line. One of those letters that you write, to get it all out, and then destroy, or keep to remind you of why you left.

You shouldn't send it because frankly, sending letters to the person you live with, however problematic, is a bit bonkers.

It's a step taken to avoid taking the step you know you need to take. And I imagine you will end up taking the final step anyway. (or I would if I were you)

Branleuse Mon 22-Apr-13 08:01:16

i think it starts off well, but you should leave out the bit about tips to make it work, because youve immediately gone from valuable and strong, to a victim and disposable.

tell him to go, for your own self respect, and see if he fights for you, but dont expect him to,

You deserve more happiness than youll ever get from him.

AgathaF Mon 22-Apr-13 08:03:21

His reaction to the letter, if you send it, is an unknown. If he is used to holding the upper hand when you argue/discuss your problems, then I can't see that sending that is going to have a good outcome.

Would joint counselling be a better option? I think that rather than having to send a letter to him because you feel he is more articulate, or he won't let you express yourself properly, it would be better to be able to say what you want to say in a controlled and safe environment, where a counsellor can ensure that he doesn't dominate the discussion.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 22-Apr-13 08:10:17

Joint counselling is not usually recommended where there is a serious imbalance of power in a relationship. The dominant party will use it as a soap-box for their alleged grievances only. If someone doesn't want to listen to their partner but prefers to ridicule/dismiss/blame them, it makes very little difference whether they are with a counsellor, reading a letter or just having a conversation.

domoarigato Mon 22-Apr-13 10:40:49

If my husband behaved this way to me I wouldn't put up with it. I wouldn't let him treat me that way for 5 hours let alone 5 months. Why don't you put a cracker up his butt and ask for a trial sseparation. He'll soon realise the grass isn't greener... because this is the problem he has isn't it? I feel angry for you just thinking about his attitude. Don't give him the letter... you need to act strong, not vulnerable... even if you don't really feel that way.

Dozer Mon 22-Apr-13 20:09:26

Dear branching out,

You sound so sad. Your H is a cock and has been treating you very very badly for years. Don't spend your energy trying to get through to him. You already gave it your all and can't make him love you or treat you right, which isn't your fault.

Seek support for yourself, ideas for a happier life, consider why you have put up with his nastiness for so long. Those (albeit few) friends and family - get in touch with them!

Ideally, kick him out!

Yours sincerely,

mnetter

kittybiscuits Mon 22-Apr-13 20:28:45

I'm with dozer smile , you deserve much better than this branching out x

LifeSavedbyLego Tue 23-Apr-13 08:33:58

I'm with the poster whose heart sank when they read you wanted to stay with him.

The letter is fantastic but is he really worth it?

Lucylloyd13 Tue 23-Apr-13 09:25:26

How i feel for you.

The answer is probably that it doesn't matter whether you send this to him, or try to talk him through it, the problem is he does not want to listen.

the start point is, if he doesnt want to listen, there is no point in going on.

ipswitch Tue 23-Apr-13 10:03:12

I am very sorry. I feel for you but think you are grasping at straws. Sounds to me like its over too.

I think you should not send this letter. It makes you seem a bit needy and him all powerful still. If you want to say these things to him, say it face to face to see his reaction. Too be honest it does not sound like either of you are making the other feel happy at the moment, or have done for the some time.

Move on. Chin up. You sound like a lovely person and need to flourish and grow, not be potbound.

BranchingOut Tue 23-Apr-13 10:05:38

An update.

I am very, very glad that I posted on here, rather than just sending it.

I may still send a letter, but not yet and maybe a slightly different letter.

Reading your replies was incredibly helpful (thank you) and, although I can't quite pick out which individual points have made made the difference, there has been a slight shift in my thinking.

I know that a few of you are rather incredulous that I would want to stay together, given the 11 days/five months episode, but there are a number of factors that meant that I was not quite strong enough when we had that episode in 2010/11, to say 'that's not good enough for me'. Whether that was because I had a one year old at the time, had just fallen off the career ladder, my lifelong pattern of trying to overcome a bullying family member, a feeling of being somewhat alone in the world apart from DH due to bereavement and a family that has more or less gone its separate ways...anyway, I could not do it at that point in time. However, I was strong enough at the time to stay fairly cool, to call his bluff and say that if he really felt that way, we could part.

When he did indicate that he wanted to resume our normal relationship, I did decide to put it behind us, because I felt that a marriage is important enough to want to hang on to, that I was prepared to forgive the hurt and move forward. But you are right, he did not really apologise at the time and sometimes even seems to have completely forgotten the whole episode...hmm

All of your comments have been helpful, but a couple of things in particular have made a difference to my thinking in the last 48 hours:

1)The fact that Sunday's row was over parenting and him not wanting to support me in disciplining our son, right before DH was due to leave on a work trip for the rest of this week. I suppose I have always thought that I can live with him not loving me as he used to, that I can accept that limited form of relationship and live in hope that things will get bettter, on the basis that we are going to work together to raise DS. But if not, if we are not going to support each other with parenting, then well, what is the point?

2) *"In fairness, the 11 days plus five months episode was 2010-11, and I did decide to forgive that and put it behind us in order to give the marriage another try. "
Oh Branching, it's now 2013 and you HAVE given the marriage another try. A substantial try. And look at how it has worked out - you are writing a letter to him because he'll use his articulacy to twist it if you try to say it to his face*

As above, time slips by and...when exactly is it going to get better?

Action:

So, yesterday, after a miserable Sunday thinking about all this, I telephoned in the morning and got a short-notice appointment with a solicitor, which I attended yesterday afternoon. Not because I am planning to do anything right now, but because it seems to be the next logical step.

It was hugely helpful, even though I did not have paperwork or all relevant facts/figures in my mind. It was just so good to have an independent, professional person put to rest some of the things i have been concerned about.

One thing that stands out was the solicitor's reaction when I told him our respective salaries and said that one issue in our marriage has been DH thinking that i don't contribute enough financially and that I should get a better paid job. The look of incredulity on his face then said it all...
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1699793-Pressure-from-DH

I am going to hang fire for now and don't know quite what the future will hold, but I feel much better for having taken that step.

You sound like a lovely person branching, and your husband really doesn't! Good luck in the future.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 23-Apr-13 10:28:25

Glad you've taken the step of talking to a solicitor. When you're thinking about the future of your marriage it's a very emotional and stressful thing. Talking to someone who can cut through the tantrums and tiaras and give you rational information from an outside perspective can be very calming and also help you cross what my friend calls the 'mental bridge'. I think it represents both progress and personal development. Good luck

ipswitch Tue 23-Apr-13 10:38:19

Totally agree with above posters.
Options and information can only be a good thing and will hopefully help you in your difficult choices ahead.
I suspect you will be fine and come out of this stronger.

LemonPeculiarJones Tue 23-Apr-13 10:44:04

Well done Branching. The look of horror on your solicitors face was probably worth the money alone - because it validated your feelings, it supported you, allowed you to give space to the idea that your H is truly unreasonable.

You have found support on here too and I'm so glad it's helped fortify you. The strength is within you to make the right decision for you and your DS. As you say, your H isn't helping you raise him. And he isn't giving you any real love or pleasure or support.

He is failing at being your partner and obviously has been for quite some time - and he doesn't seem to care. Accepting that it hard. But you can have a dazzling future if you follow your true instincts, step by step.

Earlier I said my heart sank reading your letter - well, it just bobbed up again smile

bleedingheart Tue 23-Apr-13 11:13:47

Now I have read the other thread I am amazed you want to be with him. Greedy, entitled, selfish man! I would be amazed if anyone could meet his requirements.

bleedingheart Tue 23-Apr-13 11:16:28

Good luck going forward branching. You deserve so much more.

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 23-Apr-13 11:39:27

I sent an email to my then H in 2010, explaining as clearly and honestly as I could, why living in a house with him and 2 young adults, none of whom helped with the housework, led to a messy house and a depressed me.

He didn't reply.

I followed up with a prompting email.

He didn't reply.

I printed it out and confronted him.

At first he didn't reply.

Then he said 'Deal with it then' (words to that effect)

This is how I eventually dealt with it: In 2011 I filed for divorce. He was an abusive FW (though not violent) and I am grateful to the EA thread for opening my eyes.

I haven't read your other thread, but I'm betting it will ring bells for me.

I'm glad you didn't send the letter and I'm really glad you saw a solicitor.

He really thinks the problem is you.

It is not you. Keep on branching out.

Branleuse Tue 23-Apr-13 11:58:40

well done on seeing the solicitor and never forget youve got options.

You do not need him

I would start to get your finances in order asap

poozlepants Tue 23-Apr-13 12:04:15

I think what you've written is great and if you feel he doesn't listen while you are talking then it makes sense. However I wouldn't give him a list of options to consider. I think you should suggest what you really want so if you want to go to counselling then do that. Otherwise he may pick the away weekend it'll happen once and then it'll be another 3 months down the line and he'll think he's made an effort.

sandyballs Tue 23-Apr-13 12:09:12

It's a great letter and extremely articulate, you come across as a warm lovely kind person who is making a huge effort to keep your marriage going, for yourself and your son.

My initial thoughts though are that the letter makes you vulnerable and gives him all the power. Again. It's all about you trying your best to make things work, what about him? It's almost pleading and I'm not sure you should be putting yourself in this situation. not sure if I've explained myself particularly well there but I hope you know what I mean.

A better tact perhaps would be to hold your head up high, get out and make new friends, join groups, whatever it takes, however difficult it feels and even if you feel completely miserable. Take the focus off him to make you happy and see what he does.

He sounds a cock and he doesn't deserve you, leaving you hanging around like this, it is emotional abuse. Who the fuck do some of these men think they are!

olgaga Tue 23-Apr-13 12:11:56

I think you've done the right thing not sending the letter and in taking the action you have.

You might find the advice and links here helpful for background information in addition to the legal advice you're getting.

Jenny0101 Tue 23-Apr-13 12:48:05

I agree with the poster who says that he can't possibly be 50% more articulate than you are. He sounds like my x in that I was the articulate one but he instantly repeated what I had said back to me but with an entirely different negative meaning. That is not articulate, it is toxic, and it is arguing 'dirty'.

It was a good letter but I agree now that the right thing to do was to not send it. I agree that it won't make him value you more. He'll be irritated. I wrote my x hundreds of letters over the years. All of them were reasoned, articulate, not asking for anything that I wasn't offering myself (eg, respect, consideration, equality in the relationship). Never did me the blindest bit of good though.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Tue 23-Apr-13 13:24:13

Branching, I am glad you sought out a solicitor and got some clarity for your feelings and validity too. Not that there was any doubt in my mind, but for yourself.

The problem is him, not you. sad

HansieMom Tue 23-Apr-13 16:16:25

Would you PLEASE take your 90K inheritance out of the joint account and put it in your account? It was given to YOU.

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 23-Apr-13 16:39:43

Fuck! YYY to this. When did you come by the inheritance - as depending on when this is he may try to claim half if you divorce.

And I know of what I speak.

NatashaBee Tue 23-Apr-13 16:56:05

I remember your previous thread about your DH and pressuring you to earn more - I tend not to really notice poster names though so didn't link it to your thread here. I'm glad you have taken a tentative step towards breaking away... your letter explained everything perfectly but since your husband seems not to be willing to listen, I think you would have been wasting your time.

wordyBird Tue 23-Apr-13 17:49:18

Very glad to hear you've had a helpful chat with a solicitor. Taking a practical step forward can a big help in clearing your mind ( and thus considering your options).

And yes - agree with previous posters to move your inherited money ASAP!

Dozer Tue 23-Apr-13 17:54:05

Oh, that one was your H! I remember your thread.

As well as olgaga's links, the EA thread might be helpful.

Kundry Tue 23-Apr-13 20:48:37

Oh I remember your other thread - he is an arse.

Please make sure you take your £90K with you when you leave him.

olgaga Tue 23-Apr-13 20:58:04

FFS you have an inheritance? Please please please do not under any circumstances use it in any way towards any joint asset ie paying off mortgage or anything like that.

Please put it in an account in your name separate from all other finance.

Tomorrow!

lemonstartree Wed 24-Apr-13 09:52:29

You sound like a lovely thoughtful intelligent woman, and I agree your husband sounds like an entitled cock. Who the FUCK does he think he is musing about whether he wants to stay with you long term ? He should be on his bloody knees grateful you are prepared to forgive him for his abusive crap in the past.

I'm glad you have sought advice. There is literally nothing more soul destroying than loving a man who does not love you and my advice would be to call him on it and walk away. If he wakes up and realizes how bloody lucky he is, and what a wonderful wife he has, then he can try and win you back. If not, you can find a man who is worth you....

good luck

lst

Lovingfreedom Wed 24-Apr-13 10:58:32

I've been in a position re inheritance. Because I put it towards the mortgage/paying off debts etc it was seen as part of matrimonial assets. My solicitor managed to negotiate a 'special circumstance' which gave me some of it back, but not a lot! I'd say, put the exact sum you inherited into a separate account in your own name.

SugarPasteGreyhound Wed 24-Apr-13 19:18:46

Move the money!!!! Do it first thing tomorrow as a priority.

BranchingOut Thu 25-Apr-13 15:40:19

I am not going to move the money, as that would be an outright declaration of war in his eyes and I dont want to do anything just yet. However, the solicitor did think that it might be possible to ring fence it.

I will let the thread dwindle away for now, but I am very glad to have posted and really appreciate all the help. I now feel that little bit of confidence inside me after having gone to the solicitor - that no, it doesn't have to be this way and that, yes, if needed, I could choose to live differently.

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 25-Apr-13 18:00:55

Your decision. But if it's in the joint account there's nothing to stop him taking it.

wordyBird Thu 25-Apr-13 18:54:46

A declaration of war if you move your own money sad ... but yes, it is for you to decide. The last thing any of us wants to do is attempt to control your decisions ourselves, thus adding to the burden.

Wishing you good luck Branching. Don't settle for too little.....and we will be here if/ when you want us. brew

olgaga Thu 25-Apr-13 19:29:31

It's not a declaration of war if you find a really good interest bearing account to put it in!

Take a look here.

Yes you can ring fence it if it is quite recent and all other needs are met. But it's a lot easier if it's in an account in your name, separate from any joint accounts.

It also stops him accessing it.

HansieMom Thu 25-Apr-13 20:18:39

What is worse? You taking your inheritance or him romancing someone else?

HansieMom Thu 25-Apr-13 20:25:08

I am sorry, I was mixing up my threads. But I still think you should take out your money.

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