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sorry, but clueless: do gay men find women sexually repellent or just not very exciting?

(76 Posts)
allaflutter Sat 20-Apr-13 22:23:19

I read quite a few threads on MN where someone's husband unexpectedly announced he was gay - so obviously the wife thought sex was ok previously! is that the case with many gays, that they can have sex with women, but it's just not very exciting for them? or are the majority repelled by women, and those who switched are really bisexual? I find this all very confusing, and hard to get my head around gay men's sexuality. Sorry if this sounds really stupid.
This is following my friend having a crush on a gay man which was my previous thread (and she had her owm thread in aibu). She still thinks there is a real connection with him, but feels she can't dare to be honest with him, and is upset.

Branleuse Sat 20-Apr-13 22:24:42

im sure it depends on the individual gay man

allaflutter Sat 20-Apr-13 22:27:55

thanks, Bran, so it there no such thing as majority on this subject?

fortyplus Sat 20-Apr-13 22:28:12

I'm sure that you could get a grasp of this by thinking about your own sexual attraction to other women. As a straight woman I think something along the lines of 'Hmmm well I can see why other people do it and maybe it might be nice but actually I'd sooner not bother as I find cocks so much more appealing!' grin

ginhag Sat 20-Apr-13 22:28:23

Sexuality is not entirely black and white. There is no defining 'gay' or 'straight' mindset.

allaflutter Sat 20-Apr-13 22:29:04

I always thought that for anyone to identify as gay openly and socially, it means not wanting sex with opposite sex at all. otherwise why not call themselves bi?

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Apr-13 22:30:17

Your friend might be kidding herself and the gay guy sees her as a friend

Mumsyblouse Sat 20-Apr-13 22:31:36

I also don't quite know what you want from this thread, it's like saying do all supposedly straight women not fancy women then, some do, some don't, some dabbled at a certain age, some would carry on if they were't married/settled down. In other words, sexuality is very complex and I don't think gay men have one version of it. Some people are more bisexual and find both sexes attractive, some are very much into one gender, and some are not that fussed about sex with anyone. And some people's sexuality unfolds as they meet people, in other words, they may have defined one way but then feel another on meeting the right person. So, all shades.

And, none of this is relevant to your friend, because we really can't guess about this particular guy's sexuality just because she thinks he's gay (unless he said this outright, who knows what thoughts go through his head).

It is also possible to feel a very deep connection with your non-preferred gender, not all connections are sexual.

allaflutter Sat 20-Apr-13 22:32:01

forty - yes, I see that, but then I never want to sleep with women, even if I think they look good. Most that I might like is to touch them (non sexually) - you know like you do a nice looking pet. Mind boggles has a previously married man suddenly decides he's gay - it means he had functioning sexual r-ship with a woman for years, and she thought he enjoyed it!

ginhag Sat 20-Apr-13 22:32:43

I call myself straight. That doesn't mean I have never had any attraction toward someone that's the same sex as me.

Not sure why it matters that much?

Mumsyblouse Sat 20-Apr-13 22:33:22

Most people go for a handy label- but did he use this label himself or is it what others have said? And the label is just that, a shorthand way of expressing your main preference but it may be much more complex than that and also depend who you meet.

I can see when a woman is sexually attractive. I'm probably 90% straight. Women's bodies don't repel me. I imagine the same would apply to a 90% gay man.

When a husband is "suddenly gay" I always imagine he was bisexual to start with but repressed the man-liking part of his libido cause he found a woman he liked enough to marry, and/or because he thought marriage was generally a good idea. And then he finds a man he fancies more. It's only like any other affair except that the injured party and the third party have non-matching genitalia.

ginhag Sat 20-Apr-13 22:34:52

I was once kissed by a man who had no interest in women since coming out 10 years earlier... Took him by surprise as much as anyone else!

MirandaWest Sat 20-Apr-13 22:36:14

I think it is a continuum (think most things are tbh). So I think the likelihood of a completely homosexual or completely heterosexual person is fairly unlikely.

I would identify myself as heterosexual but would not completely dislike the idea of some experimentation with women. Suppose I could call myself bisexual but to me that is more of an equal bias rather than my definite leanings.

allaflutter Sat 20-Apr-13 22:37:10

I know she's likely kidding herself, but says that how then can she feels this magnetic attraction which feels like its mutual? IME with men, the attarction is rarely one-sided, but gay men could be diff cattle of fish.

Mumsy, he is known as gay and (I met him) makes open remarks about passing men, i.e. comments that one is beautiful etc. But it's not reallly on to just ask him whether he's also bi, it would surprise people if anything. Yet she's tortured whether to let him know or stay well away. He may well be guessing btw, but who knows.

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Apr-13 22:38:48

I think your 'friend' should stick to really nice pets....the gay bloke doesn't fancy her.

ginhag Sat 20-Apr-13 22:40:55

Look. How many times have you known a situation where, say, a girl that is good friends with a guy (or the other way round) feels that there is more to their relationship... But the guy (or girl if the other way round!) doesn't feel it?

It's the same thing.

Mumsyblouse Sat 20-Apr-13 22:41:01

I did have a friend once who was besotted with a friend of hers who she worried was gay. When I met him, I was convinced a) that he was definitely gay and b) he wasn't interested in her. It didn't stop her infatuation, and it didn't stop her thinking it might be mutual (it clearly wasn't, although he liked her as a friend).

Just keep well away, if it is meant to be, and he's around in your social circle/colleagues then it will happen, if not, he can't be feeling the attraction that much.

I do think not all deep attractions are sexual though, which is why she may be confused.

i would trust he'd make his move if he was interested.

MintyyAeroEgg Sat 20-Apr-13 22:43:08

Believe it or not, its mostly about the mental connection than what kind of genitals you have when it comes to sexuality.

ginhag Sat 20-Apr-13 22:43:35

I don't understand how you can conclude that men (straight) will ALWAYS be reciprocal in the whole attraction thing.

Does that mean I can pull George Clooney? I'd quite like to [smike]

ginhag Sat 20-Apr-13 22:44:02

OR smile !!

allaflutter Sat 20-Apr-13 22:45:30

ginhag, did it go anywhere? and if not, is it because you weren't interested, or that he couldn't go beyond a kiss.
Imo kissing the opposite sex (sometimes) isn't that big a deal, especially if people had a drink and really like each other. It can be fooling around, but going further is serious, esp with mature people.

allaflutter Sat 20-Apr-13 22:46:00

sorry I meant kissing same sex people

AdoraBell Sat 20-Apr-13 22:46:29

A lot of gay people feel they should be straight, because of society's expectations and the pressure from those expectations. I have known a couple of men who realised they were gay in later life. One when his 1st grandchild was born, one after his second marriage broke down. I have also heard gay men speaking on TV, Internet etc, about the pressure to get married and have children, and how they really tried to be straight, to fit in. So I don't buy the suddenly turned gay theme that you see sometimes. In fact a family member put outrageous amounts of pressure on her son to get married, after he came out. He does find women repellent but I think that's a mummy thing with him rather than a sexuality issue.

To answer the OP, I have no idea, you'd have to ask every gay man in order to find out.

allaflutter Sat 20-Apr-13 22:46:43

Lovingfreedom, so funny about sticking to nice pets! grin

allaflutter Sat 20-Apr-13 22:47:29

but honestly, Loving, how do you know? I'm sure if he does fancy her he's mortified himself.

Devora Sat 20-Apr-13 22:48:27

"I always thought that for anyone to identify as gay openly and socially, it means not wanting sex with opposite sex at all. otherwise why not call themselves bi?"

Not true of me or many of the gay women I know. There are many positive reasons for taking the label of lesbian; you don't have to be 100%-always-excluding-any-possibility-of-having-a-little-crush-on-George-Clooney, any more than heterosexual women who have the occasional girl crush should start calling themselves bi.

People are endlessly variable and individual, you know. Nobody can explain to you how all gay people feel about anything.

allaflutter Sat 20-Apr-13 22:48:38

I suppose the old adage is true that if a man fancies someone, he can't be silent for too long. is that what you mean, that he'd let her know clearly?

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Apr-13 22:49:02

For the reason ginhag described...plus he's gay

allaflutter Sat 20-Apr-13 22:51:22

Devora, I see your point, but I'm not talking about fantasies like girl crushes for hetero women or you and George, but if it came to sleeping with a real man who was interested, would you forgo your usual ID, and of so, would it take you a long time to think before jumping? (if you wre single)

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Apr-13 22:53:54

Sometimes people who are generally straight or gay make an exception...or sometimes people change what they claim as their primary sexuality. There can be a stigma around bisexuality in both straight and gay circles - to greater or lesser extent - so maybe less people identify as being bisexual than actually are?

But really, if a guy is obviously and openly gay, it's unlikely he fancies your female friend to the extent of wanting a relationship with her.

allaflutter Sat 20-Apr-13 22:57:08

Minty, so you think she should tell him? she's going on about mental/emotional connection she feels.

Yes, ok, not all attraction from women is reciprocated, but I'd say very strong attraction IME usually is, though it can be unequal in intensity. I mean usual situations, with no big age gaps or when he's a hollywood star grin. She's attractive btw, but not overly feminine. She thinks because she hasn't got a big bust/hips, she has more of a chance with him, in the light that they get on well as people.

allaflutter Sat 20-Apr-13 22:59:48

Loving, interesting about stigma of being bi, I didn't think of that, from hetero point of view bi is safer/easier to understand, but then from gay point of view, suspicious maybe.

ovenchips Sat 20-Apr-13 23:00:11

When younger and single I had an intense friendship with someone at my work who was a young gay man. In many ways it was a love affair without the sex (and really no desire to on either side). A real meeting of minds which was a spark between us not unlike a sort of magnetic attraction.

We used to write each other long letters when either was ever away and when I reread them more recently you would deffo think they were an old boyfriend's. It's the intimacy, I guess.

So I guess you really can have a 'magnetic' and exciting friendship such as your friend's sounds without the mutual sexual desire.

Devora Sat 20-Apr-13 23:06:00

Yes, I do sometimes fancy men; yes, if I was single I might sleep with a man. That doesn't make me bisexual.

I think if you've come out at some stage in your life, it may be less of a leap to consider dawn raids across the border occasionally. Not a big deal.

LemonPeculiarJones Sat 20-Apr-13 23:06:52

There is really no one answer OP. Some straight people occasionally fancy/sleep with the same sex. Vice versa for gay people. We're all complex.

Anything can happen between people but it's best to be honest and clear-sighted about likelihood. Someone identified as gay is most likely not going to want to have sex with the opposite sex.

It does sound as if your friend has a massive crush and is completely projecting her emotions onto her gay friend. Yes, you can be hugely attracted to someone who doesn't feel the same way. It's probably her delusion and the only way she can be sure is to ask him if he is bi or would ever consider a relationship with a woman. And then to listen to and accept his answer.

You will do her no favours by fueling this crush of hers unless she is prepared to ask him, before she drives herself further into the crazy.

Devora Sat 20-Apr-13 23:07:07

But men are generally less flexible on this issue than women are. I don't know many gay men who have had slept with women after coming out. I know plenty of gay women who have dabbled.

allaflutter Sat 20-Apr-13 23:07:37

thanks for all who replied, difficult to respond to each point.

So is the consensus that what she feels is one sided, and she shouldn't let him know, or that she should because (as many here said) there aren't that many 100% gay people?
Or should she leave it to him to make any moves?

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Apr-13 23:07:49

Last time I had a drunken night out with gay friends (and my 'heterosexual' partner) the gay guys spent half the night feeling up my knockers. confused Admittedly they (ie knockers) are not huge...but once I let them cop a feel there was no stopping them! grin They are still both gay though...and erm I didn't manage to convert either of them. A good time was had by all wink.

allaflutter Sat 20-Apr-13 23:09:21

Devora - exactly. But so many posters are saying that there could always be exceptions, what if she is one. The point is, is it more respectful to leave ot to him to decide, or would he be too scared to nmake a move thinking that he's known as a gay? that's really the question.

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Apr-13 23:11:05

If she's like a dog with a bone with this she might as well ask him. I'd be surprised if he was interested but...what is the worst that can happen?

HotCrossPun Sat 20-Apr-13 23:14:47

I think that sexuality is generally quite fluid.

I'm straight and most people I have crushes on are male.

I would so turn for Alex Polizzi

allaflutter Sat 20-Apr-13 23:27:01

Loving grin so they liked your modest knockers! novelty I suppose! maybe you'd convert one if he was single.

Devora, so you don't id as bi, it interests me then, is your feeling much more intense for women and that makes you id as gay, or it's the quantity thing, so you fancy a lot of women (potentially) but onle a few men. And also - does this mean that you could only dabble but not have a r-ship with a man, that makes you say you are def not bi.

I now think she shouldn't be too scared to ask, as before I was saying that it's really best to leave it to him, as I personally thought that gay men can be too put-off by women and would cringe, but sounds like it's not the case from this thread.
I'm generally all for leaving the first step to a man, but in this case, maybe gay people are not so brave with opp sex person who they like.

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Apr-13 23:31:34

I think most people are flattered if someone fancies them. The guy is not going to be repulsed, if that's what you're worried about. But she needs to realise its unlikely that a gay guy will fancy her or want a relationship with her. If she asks the question and he says 'no sorry I'm gay' at least she'll know and they can get on with being friends.

auntmargaret Sat 20-Apr-13 23:32:56

Who cares? They're gay. Move on

allaflutter Sat 20-Apr-13 23:38:06

that's the point, she worries that he may be repulsed and then wouldn't even want friendship, but also worried that if he DID fancy her he may not be brave enough to approach as he's known by that social group as gay, and the news may spread etc..awkward! so in that case she should make first step probably.

Darkesteyes Sat 20-Apr-13 23:47:59

I once heard John Barrowman say on tv that although hes gay he loves boobs.

Mumsyblouse Sat 20-Apr-13 23:48:49

Once you start thinking things like 'well, i stand a chance with this gay man because I'm not too busty' I think your (or your friends) obession may have gone too far!

Mumsyblouse Sat 20-Apr-13 23:50:23

Perhaps she should read 'He's just not that into you', it's an awful book (writing wise) but the message holds.

TheCrackFox Sun 21-Apr-13 00:07:02

I would imagine that if he did fancy her he would make a point of letting her know because their whole social group know him to be gay.

He clearly sees her as a friend.

allaflutter Sun 21-Apr-13 00:30:33

Mumsy, well that wasn't entirely serious re boob size grin, but logically it does make sense, though feelings are not so logical otoh. This thing is quite recent though, they don't meet often either, so whether he's into her - who knows. I observed last time and can't really tell, they obviously like each other, but as someone said, maybe it's general personality match. He picked up a flint of something off her hair the other day, they chatted for longer than neccesary, he also looked her up and down a few times, all not a big deal but what I mean is, there is a liking. She does light up in his company though, whether he noticed, not sure. The thing is, they won't meet much unless one of them suggests meeting up elsewhere.

TheCrackFox - not sure I follow tbh! he may not want to experiment as if things didn't work out with her, he'd be then known as 'not so gay after all' at his workplace. She doesn't care as she rarely is in that group (only through me), but he would conntinue to see people so has to trust her completely to be discreet if things don't work. She absolutely would be, but I say this because I know her, he doesn't know her to trust so much.

TheCrackFox Sun 21-Apr-13 00:45:59

Unless he is 13 most people have no problem whatsoever in telling someone that they fancy them.

Your friend is wasting her time.

allaflutter Sun 21-Apr-13 00:56:36

yes, true, but not always tell someone quickly, some take a bit of time. I don't tell people straight away, for one.

But I agree that he could have tried to arrange to meet somehow if he wanted to, even under some social pretence to start with. He hasn't. She's now given him her contact details, so if there is no response, that's quite hopeless. She could of course just ask him herself, so that she can move on, I will relate the advice that there is nothing to lose either.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Sun 21-Apr-13 06:47:10

Gosh OP, between this thread and your other one, you really are inordinately interested in your 'friend' and 'her' gay crush. wink

As lots of others have said, sexuality is a spectrum, and we're all on it somewhere.

I define myself as straight and have never had a sexual encounter with a woman, but likewise, I would not put myself at the end of the 'straight' spectrum at all.

I would suspect that barely anyone fits neatly into one pigeonhole. But no matter where on the spectrum you are - what you identify with and define yourself to society as is pretty immovable.

I would suggest that if you're your friend is the ballsy type, then by all means proposition the gentleman and see what comes of it; but if not, then it's probably time to move on and try to find a way of getting over it.

allaflutter Sun 21-Apr-13 13:30:38

hi Don, well nothing is happening in my personal life currently (apart from my thread where a married man was being interested in mehmm), so yes, I'm absorbed enough in my friend's more exciting situation. I've known this guy for a few years, he never seemed to be in an official relationship, while she has known him for few months, and is moaning to me very often 'cause I'm the one way she can see him at all. I do get involved like that, but even if it were actually me, then surely no point talking about, why not be tactful. It doesn't even matter much, the subject is interesting IMO.

I think she's just given him contact details, so should wait a bit, then possibly speak out, she's ballsy enough with hetero men.

Anniegetyourgun Sun 21-Apr-13 14:20:49

I'd define myself as terminally straight and really boringly vanilla to boot, but if Halle Berry and Jessica Alba invited me to make a threesome I would have to give it some serious thought.

allaflutter Sun 21-Apr-13 17:44:02

Ha, Annie, I'm the same (the first part of sentence!grin), even don't think I'd go for full-on sex with any woman, could be only tactile with hugs, and kissing, if I find her my type visually.
See that's why I thought gay - not bi - men wouldn't go for full penetrative sex either, just going by my own attitude. But now can see it's a greyish area. Otoh there is such thing as the soul-love, then it's different maybe, but it's rare to find.
still wondering what happened with gin and the guy after that kiss?

killerrobot Sun 21-Apr-13 18:09:15

In fact a family member put outrageous amounts of pressure on her son to get married, after he came out.

Ugh. So her wish for a dil/gc is more important than some other woman's dd not ending up married to some gay guy...hmm

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Sun 21-Apr-13 19:17:23

And her wish for grandchildren is more important than her son's own happiness. Some people's self-centredness knows no bounds.

Fair enough, allaflutter. smile

allaflutter Sun 21-Apr-13 20:35:44

D smile

I do hope that woman didn't succeed in making him marry.

WallyBantersYoniBox Sun 21-Apr-13 21:59:25

My DS has gay Godfathers.

One of the couple knew he was gay as soon as he became aware of his sexuality. A real life vagina would make him faint. He has never kissed or felt a woman.

The other half of the partnership had "straight" relationships when he experimented at school and Uni. For him it's definitely the cerebral connection. For the other it's the masculinity.

I could have sex with a woman tomorrow, but I wouldn't want a relationship with a woman, it just doesn't do it for me.

I can sympathise with the knockers thing. I would get unashamed requests from half naked hard bodies to feel my boobs in G.A.Y on a Friday evening work night out. Some even asked for a snog. It was just the frisson of heightened sexuality, a spontaneous thing.

I've also heard conversations between two gay men that a pub was too full of "breeders" to enjoy. so it's a wide spectrum.

I have extremely close relationships with a few gay men. They guys I know and love don't judge your sexuality, wants or desires, they give honest feedback and all the barriers are dropped. Unlike straight men there are very few topics that are taboo. They take pride in their looks and personal care. It's very easy to fall for someone with that level of openness and honesty. It's easier to talk to them than it is to y husband sometimes.

P.S. my husband also feels the same. grin

allaflutter Sun 21-Apr-13 22:45:39

Thanks, Wally, lots of interesting info. I wonder if the couple you described first are those 'opposites' i.e. one macho the other more effeminate (or just gentle both visually and in his attitude), that would make sense in a way as to why the second one is more open to bisexuality - he's nearer to a woman's type which means more open/flexible.

This guy is not macho, but it seems that he fancies all sorts, on the one hand male dancers (he mentioned), and on the other once complimented a really stocky and to me unpleasantly heavy-handed rigid sort of man. He is strangely in the middle, not camp in obvious way.

Do your friends ever get approached by (nice) women (not in drunken bar!), and are they ok with it? any tips whether best to be direct or to hint?
'breeders' is a ghastly term! they shouldn't do it in earshot of women.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Sun 21-Apr-13 23:12:13

'Breeders' is applied to men and women; it basically means 'straight'. smile

It's not a lovely term, but it isn't necessarily meant in a nasty way. My old boss who was gay (and an absolute sweetheart) used it sometimes. And yes, usually about the crowd in a bar or restaurant!

My brother didn't come out until he was about 31 or 32 (although we knew years before that). There were a few things he said or the way he reacted to women's sexuality (in a shuddering kind of way; not repelled per se
but just like it left him utterly cold).

He's not camp, but I would say he was pretty far down the end of the spectrum and not interested in women sexually at all. However, before he came out and started socialising with other gay men, all his friends bar none were women - he loves women, just not sexually. I guess it's easy in this sense for women to fall for gay men because they're so themselves around people (who don't judge them) and it's so easy for that bond and connection to be forged. It's just that it's almost always completely a one-way street.

Every single case is unique. smile

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Sun 21-Apr-13 23:15:26

I should add, he had a (woman) friend declare her undying love to him before he came out. Which was awkward. Because he had to reject her without even the benefit of the 'excuse' that he was gay.

I don't think any women have done that since coming out - there would be no point since he is resolutely not interested and I think that very much comes across!

WallyBantersYoniBox Mon 22-Apr-13 00:05:01

No neither of them are macho. There isn't an expected level of femininity from one v the other either. They laugh at themselves being "camp" but that tends to be because they will for example pay someone extortionate amounts to come in and put up a curtain rail.

However the partner who has never had a female experience has had a very cultured upper class privileged lifestyle so he would be quite likely to call in a "man that does" regardless of his sexuality and "campness"

Mimishimi Mon 22-Apr-13 00:54:43

I don't know. I'm straight but I wouldn't say I feel "sexually repelled" by women. I can see a woman and think she looks very sexy without having any physical desire for her. It's possibly similar for those who are gay, they can think someone of the opposite sex is 'sexy' without feeling any physical desire themselves because they are more attracted by sexy people of their own sex.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Mon 22-Apr-13 06:41:49

I haven't seen the other threads but Can't she approach it along the lines of, "oh, do you know anyone just like you who might be interested in me, as you are so cool/witty/whatever but as I'm a woman..."

Respects his sexuality but indicates her interest. If he says, "err, me?" then great, if he says, "let me think - oh, Cedric!" then maybe she can get a date with Cedric!

You won't get a consensus because each person is individual.

Lucylloyd13 Tue 23-Apr-13 08:15:25

I think that all humans have the potential to enjoy emotional and sexual relationships with those of their own gender. For many reasons, a prederence, stronger, or weaker, emerges. That does not mean that the potential to be attracted to someone not in your usual preference cannot exist.

I don't think that gay men overtly find women sexually repellent, just not of their preference. The degree to which individuals sexually excite varies anyway.

allaflutter Tue 23-Apr-13 12:36:06

Just want to muse some more on latest posts. No news, as the gay guy hasn't contacted the friend for a week, even though she gave him a pretext to contact (some work-related stuff) and he now has her details. So it looks to me, that he is oblivious and cold as you say, Don, beyond being friendly, or he did notice her attarction and activel doesn't want to encourage it, probably the latter.

Don, I see, but what about straight people who never have dc, especially if by choice? I s'pose they are still potentially breeders (still a yukky term!) -so still called that.

Interesting about your brother, some gays don't like women at all, some like them as friends, to me makes sense (the latter) as there must be some psychological resemblence between gays and women, it's some kind of gene they are sharing (or brain make-up) that defines their attarctions. The women haters can be hetero men, possibly more than gays, who knows.

But Wally was saying that for her friend it's cerebral connection, so he used to be with women before - so what I'm interested in, is for MOST gays, is it all about the Mighty Penis, or it's the male behaviour characteristics and visuals that excite them? I still think that tomboyish women are more of a possible choice for gays then very feminine, and I mean not just in looks but general behaviour.
But still confusing, as I know one (mature) gay who is literally like a woman in everything but body parts - dressed in blouses, subtle eyeliner, slender/graceful, all the mannerisms of a woman, and the voice soft etc, and still of course attracts gays, so in this case everything does come down to having penis.

*Mimi', by sexually repelled I mean ability to actually have sex, not finding someone sexy to look at, very different!
Hmm Wally, I did think that the one who used to be with women was likely to be different in some way.

allaflutter Tue 23-Apr-13 12:39:26

'muse on some', sorry for lots of errors, typing in a rush as computer turned off half way through post angry just before.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Tue 23-Apr-13 14:11:06

Allaflutter, there's quite a lot of language in your post that makes me uncomfortable, so I'm out.

SilverOldie Tue 23-Apr-13 17:18:24

I have had some really good male friends who were gay. Although we had feelings for each other as friends there wasn't a chance in hell of me having sex with any of them or vice versa.

Your friend needs to move on and find someone new to moon over because I don't see anything happening with the gay guy who has had the opportunity to get in touch or instigate something but hasn't. I don't think she should tell him how she feels either.

allaflutter Tue 23-Apr-13 20:01:02

SilverOldie, yes, looks that way, as I said in last post, and you are right about not telling, I think she only should do if he goes for contact and social friendship of some kind, not if he ignores, even trhough he is always nice to her when he sees her.
TheDoctrine, I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to offend anyone and did apologise to start with for being clueless, but I don't have anything at all against gays, and would love a gay friend myself. It's a sensitive sunject so if I wasn't sensitive enough, it wasn't deliberate. The penis comment was obviously jocular/light-hearted, if that's what you meant. Maybe I should read some books about the nature of being gay - I'm interested in biology/hormonal makeup of it.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Tue 23-Apr-13 20:52:17

OP, thanks for apologising smile

Your language seems to be generalising about gay men in a way that I don't think you would about heterosexual women. Eg that attraction to the graceful male you mentioned must be "all about the penis" - some women like skinny men and some like stocky men, but that's not all about the penis. Similarly, gay men are attracted on an individual basis to different personalities, body types, wealth, power, humour etc etc - whatever range of characteristics women like in a man, so do gay men.

Do you see what I mean?

allaflutter Tue 23-Apr-13 21:51:42

I get that, The Doc, about the range of personalities or figure types that can be attractive, but purely logically it doesn't make sense that a gay man would like a very effeminate guy (not just camp but really feminine looking/dressing and sounding, bar the differences in body) yet the same guy couldn't be attracted to a woman of similar type - slim, feline, graceful. In these cases it logically seems to come down to lack of a penis in women. Of course this is only one type of gays, others are attracted to masculine men. Maybe it's similar to hetero women who can't reach orgasm/satisfaction without the intercourse, so would not want to sleep with a woman. All I wondered was, is it mainly penis-centric, and women are seen as lacking and therefore 'meh', rather than repellent (for most gays).

allaflutter Tue 23-Apr-13 21:52:22

I should add that maybe logic is not the way to understand these things!

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