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Shitty boring relationship

(76 Posts)
GirlWiththeLionHeart Sat 20-Apr-13 17:53:58

That's it really. My relationship is shitty and boring and I feel so deflated I can't even cry. I have a baby ds who is a four months old.

My partner is a nice guy but just seems so uninterested in me.
This is a week in my life, he goes to work , I sah with ds, he comes home watches an hour of telly with us while eating , I take ds to bed and then P goes on his game from 9-1am every night. Last night he came to bed at 3am.

Today it was glorious weather, I took ds out for a lovely long walk followed by lunch in town, P stayed in confused I did ask if he wanted to come. I come home and he watches football for 2 hours, when that finishes asks if I minded if he played his game.

What is this, seriously?! My relationship is shit. I'm withholding sex now as I feel like, why should I sleep with him if he won't even watch a film with me?

There's no quality time for us. He's not interested. I feel myself falling out of love when it should be a great time with my new family sad

GirlWiththeLionHeart Sat 20-Apr-13 17:55:38

I've said countless times that we don't spend time together but nothing happens. We're meant to be starting counselling but he's yet to call them back.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Sat 20-Apr-13 17:58:01

Actually the main reason I'm not having sex is its shitty and boring too, and very one-sided.

LadyVoldemort Sat 20-Apr-13 18:00:09

So why are you with him? You sound as if you have a lot of life in you but you're with someone who wants to sit around doing nothing. Was he always like this or is it something that's happened recently?

I think you need to sit him down and be honest with him that you are very bored. Give him some suggestions of what you would like to change.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Sat 20-Apr-13 18:07:54

I feel like I have so much to give and that I'm sort of wasted on him iysim?

I've told him but nothing changes. Maybe we should just sit with no distractions when ds is asleep.

What upsets me is he's fine with this arrangement so it would be like forcing him to spend time with me

WishIdbeenatigermum Sat 20-Apr-13 18:19:37

thanks girlwithalionheart, great name btw.
What attracted you in the first place? Has he changed, or have circumstances made things different? You have a tiny baby, so this is an incredibly difficult time in any relationship. Good advice for any couple is to have some date nights. Babysitter, tiredness, cost probably mean that's impractical, so demand that you spend time together at the weekend. Get a box set you'll both enjoy- from the library or charity shop rather than online, so you feel you've invested something and eat and spend time together.

HeySoulSister Sat 20-Apr-13 18:53:31

can I ask what this 'game' is?

Mollydoggerson Sat 20-Apr-13 18:56:38

what would happen if ye limited screen time to 1 hour an evening?

WallyBantersYoniBox Sat 20-Apr-13 18:57:38

Have you actually discussed this with him? Does he know the reasons that you are witholding sex? I don't find my husband to be that good at reading the "signs" so it's better to lay the cards out than try anything subtle.

I'd be tempted to hide the hand console and the tv plug and sit down over some dinner to talk.

Is he stressed? I tend to go for the comfort of tv immersion when I feel stressed or down. Takes away the need to think about my situation.

Lizzabadger Sat 20-Apr-13 19:17:52

There is no point being in a "shitty boring relationship" and no one is forcing you to remain in one.

WishIdbeenatigermum Sat 20-Apr-13 19:21:14

To a point lizza except that if ever a great relationship is going to have a blip and be shitty and boring its when there's a tiny baby.

CPtart Sat 20-Apr-13 19:21:45

I too was cynically wondering what "game" keeps him up until 3am!

LemonPeculiarJones Sat 20-Apr-13 19:29:48

When was the last time you felt happy in the relationship OP?

If it has always been a bit shit and boring then there's your answer: it has to end.

If it's a recent turn of events, perhaps in reaction to having a new baby, then unpack it a little, examine the change.

Mind you, I would have been furious with my DH for being so uninvolved and leaden after we had DS1. He was as excited and committed and as in love with DS as I was. We had some appalling rows, of course, because of the massive life change and lack of sleep. It was tough at points. But it was never dull - the opposite. You sound like someone who wants engagement with life and excitement and you're able to make that happen - but not with someone as unimaginative and dead-behind-the-eyes as your DH sounds from your OP.

Viviennemary Sat 20-Apr-13 19:37:39

I agree that the first months following a new baby can be a difficult time in a lot of relationships. He should be making more effort. Do you ever get a baby sitter and go out for a meal. But I appreciate 4 months is young to leave but perhaps somebody in the family would step in.

But realistically is life as a single parent with a tiny baby going to be a lot of fun. Not saying you should stay with him for ever but I'd give it a bit longer.

lastnightidreamt Sat 20-Apr-13 19:43:57

Hmm, grown men playing computer games = not great IMO!

I would have said that it is having a new baby etc etc, and it may well be partly that - you are expecting more out of life, and noticing his lack of enthusiasm more.

Possibly when you were at work during the week, it didn't bother you so much at the weekend. Now, all your focus is on the weekend/evenings as that's now family time.

If this is how he has always been, I'm not sure it's worth the effort. But if it is post-baby, it could be worth trying to get things back on track.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Sat 20-Apr-13 20:28:11

Sorry, I'm here reading just summing up the energy to reply. Ds is so grizzly.

It's never been a really exciting relationship but I wanted stability not crazy times so that suited me I guess. We just used to talk more and now he just grunts if I say something, if I'm lucky, most times I have to repeat myself to get attention.

I used to hear about men being jealous of the attention new babies get but I feel like the one who doesn't get any!

He's definitely playing a game. It's WoW style so very addictive and all his friends are online playing.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Sat 20-Apr-13 20:31:22

Also, if he does sit and watch tv with me, he will always be on his iPhone playing something on there too! It's doing my head in.

badinage Sat 20-Apr-13 20:45:39

Has the sex always been like that?

You know, great sex with a grown up bloke who doesn't play wargames doesn't equate to 'crazy'. A relationship with someone like that is likely to be far more 'stable' than the one you're in.

Loulybelle Sat 20-Apr-13 21:08:17

Give him a kick up the arse, and tell him your done with your relationship, i was you once and the depression nearly crippled me.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Sat 20-Apr-13 21:23:49

I do feel like I'm slipping into depression. Like there isn't anything to look forward to; plans, dinners etc. I love my son so much it hurts and look forward to him changing and growing etc. I just wished I looked forward to the weekend and the evenings but I don't as its the same thing over and over sad

Loulybelle Sat 20-Apr-13 21:25:54

You need to really tell him its make or break, you can be expected just to sit there alone, its not fair.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Sat 20-Apr-13 21:53:19

Well that didnt go well. He got really defensive. Just come to bed really cannot be arsed with this tbh

Loulybelle Sat 20-Apr-13 21:55:21

I think its time for you to end things, he doesnt seem to want mend it.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Sat 20-Apr-13 22:23:36

He said he's been thinking of moving out, because he's felt trapped and hasn't been 'allowed' to go out.

All his friends are settled and dint go out anymore except birthdays etc, we have a baby and he was very colicky in early days so yes I needed his support in the early days so shoot me.

Guess that's that then

Branleuse Sat 20-Apr-13 22:28:23

thats what my ex was like. You have my sympathy.

Fucking online gamers

One of dps friends wife left him over world of wankcraft as he would just play it constantly

GirlWiththeLionHeart Sat 20-Apr-13 22:50:24

I'm lying next to my beautiful innocent son, so full of sadness for him and guilt that his parents probably won't make it together sad I came from a broken family and I never wanted it for my dcs but I guess it's going to happen. I feel like shit and actually wish I was dead

Loulybelle Sat 20-Apr-13 22:50:43

Pffft go out, you'll find he'll be in every night playing.

Theres a reason for the stereotype that games are sad and lonely, because they take online life way to seriously.

Loulybelle Sat 20-Apr-13 22:53:12

Babe, dont feel sad for him, because he has you, a parent who loves him more than they love bloody bunch of microchips, he has you, he'll always have you, I've been you and i tell you, been single 4 years, but it was better than being sat at home listening to my exp snore. Now you can do what you want and when you like.

wonderingagain Sat 20-Apr-13 22:57:00

Oh this is so bloody sad. This man is behaving like a teenager. He sounds like one of Kevin and Perry's mates on the Fast Show. Tell him that from me.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Sat 20-Apr-13 22:57:41

Thank you LB, that means a lot. I can't believe him.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Sat 20-Apr-13 23:00:23

I shouldn't of ttc with him, why did I? But now I have my ds and I'm so happy. I feel sick and confused. He's the most selfish person I've ever known to throw his family away because he feels trapped because he's had to stay in and be a father. Most men want to stay in when they've just had a son, right?! This is crazy

wonderingagain Sat 20-Apr-13 23:02:01

LB your perspective is spot on. DP prefers the attention of his computer games to his own child and partner.

wonderingagain Sat 20-Apr-13 23:04:23

Girl it's ups and downs in the early stages if this is his his first son he might just be being green and stupid. Mine was a bit off in the first year, behaving like a student but eventually the light bulb went on and he took responsibility.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Sat 20-Apr-13 23:11:00

I really hope so. The stuff he was saying just broke my heart though. Making out he was trapped with someone so horrible when I would do anything for him and ds. I hope he sees the light, if not ill ask him to leave

Loulybelle Sat 20-Apr-13 23:13:27

Your DP has an addiction, and like all addictions, it turns people into moody, defensive people, unfortunately its not considered a real addiction.

squiby2004 Sun 21-Apr-13 00:21:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squiby2004 Sun 21-Apr-13 00:22:32

Didn't like the counsellor!!

BicBiro Sun 21-Apr-13 00:45:49

he's getting defensive and turning it around because he knows deep down that he's in the wrong. i would try not to engage with that if you can because otherwise you'll just end up in a row with blame flying everywhere.

you know the truth, it doesnt matter what he says. he's not emotionally connected to you and DS at the moment - he's opting out of family life through rubbish escapism that take him deep into the night and probably render him useless in the morning too. great, what use is that to you?

maybe he's just not up to the job of being a decent partner and father.

i would tel him to move out and go and live this wonderful single life he's dreaming of. grass is greener and all that. i know youre sad and hurt at what he said, but if he's giving you nothing to work with then what can you do?

fionathepink Sun 21-Apr-13 00:54:45

Tell him to turn off the game, turn off the phone for a set amount of time with you each week. Make that time sacred. Having a LO is hard but take out an hour in the evening to talk about your days. If needs be lock all the phones away and unplug the internet.

Or tell him you are taking a few hours to yourself and he is in charge of LO. That won't fix your relationship but might make him see he needs to be more involved.

This man is a knob.

You have your son and a full life ahead of you.

Knob has fuck all except a bad attitude.

I know which one I would stick with.

Ask knob to move out with his x-box/game console (diddums)

and start enjoying life with your child. It's really not that bad being a lone parent.

Loulybelle Sun 21-Apr-13 07:52:52

Being a lone parent is a damn sight better than being a miserable one waiting for an idiot to notice you.

MadBusLady Sun 21-Apr-13 09:27:28

The game's a red herring. DP plays games, it's really not a problem. He last played maybe three weeks ago? It's just like any other hobby that can enhance life in moderation but become an obsession if abused.

There's clearly no point trying to talk it through if he's going to react like that. Call his bluff if you can, agree that he is to move out. See how he likes it. If he doesn't wake up very quickly you'll have your answer sad

MadBusLady Sun 21-Apr-13 09:27:57

The game's a red herring. DP plays games, it's really not a problem. He last played maybe three weeks ago? It's just like any other hobby that can enhance life in moderation but become an obsession if abused.

There's clearly no point trying to talk it through if he's going to react like that. Call his bluff if you can, agree that he is to move out. See how he likes it. If he doesn't wake up very quickly you'll have your answer sad

Sh1ney Sun 21-Apr-13 10:00:50

Well, talk of broken homes and wishing you were dead is a tad melodramatic. You know that a single parent family is exactly like a two parent family, yes? In the main, it absolutely is. And the bonus is you don't have the man child hanging around.

You' re right in the middle of the worst bit and that's why you feel so down. You'll pick right up when you tell him to leave and give this a year or two and you'll be back to normal - living the life you're meant to live... and with a man who actually excites you. That's the future... time to get cracking?

GirlWiththeLionHeart Sun 21-Apr-13 10:01:58

Woke up as if nothing happened. He's gone out to get breakfast and is being nice but I'm just ignoring him. After saying he's been thinking of moving out for a few weeks he now wants to act like nothing happened.

You're right LB, I would much rather be alone than with someone who does everything to avoid spending time with me.

He got addicted to a similar game throughout my pregnancy and we had the exact same argument. When he got bored of the game, he was suddenly very available and wanted to spend time (I also moved out for a few days).

I just feel so flat. Your replies mean so much to me.

Bic you're right about the defensiveness. I feel like calling his bluff and saying go and have that great single life you yearn so much.

Thing is he has said I don't let him go out hmm I'm the one who's always saying go out when I was preg because you won't have time to when baby is here. He didnt. He went out for drinks when ds was 2-3 weeks old

GirlWiththeLionHeart Sun 21-Apr-13 10:03:43

I know Sh1ney it was melodramatic but I'm pretty devastated at his behaviour tbh. But I know ill be fine and ill meet someone nicer too. This just isn't what I wanted but its not the end of the world.

LittleFrieda Sun 21-Apr-13 10:10:42

How old are you, OP? And how old is he?

nurseneedshelp Sun 21-Apr-13 10:11:45

Sorry haven't read it all but does he smoke cannabis?

chocoreturns Sun 21-Apr-13 10:24:28

I have to say, it's either an addiction or just another form of shitty entitled behaviour. I agree for your own sake you need to make a stand. Do move out, or throw him out. Or when he has gone to work, dispose of the gaming equipment.

If you go for the last option, have someone with you at home (a male friend, your dad?) when he gets back. If it's an addiction, he may well lose it completely if you dispose of the xbox or whatever. However, if it is witnessed by a third party a) you'll be protected from him having a rage, and b) he won't be able to play it down later. Breaking the cycle of addiction might give you a chance of sorting it out, but he needs to be willing to give up the game completely. An hour a night won't cut it - just like a glass of wine with dinner doesn't do it for an alcoholic!

Whatever you do I think you need to make it quite a statement so that he notices and listens to what you are saying. Otherwise the only option is to walk away, which may or may not be for the best - you would no doubt be fine (I am a happy single mum!) but if you still want to try and work it out I'd try and give him a reality check about his 'relationship' with this machine.

ie: You shouldn't be in a relationship with a machine!

GirlWiththeLionHeart Sun 21-Apr-13 10:43:11

Now he wants to talk confused but I'm not in the mood now tbh. He said he's had time to think about why he's been behaving the way he has. I'm not interested right now. I know he's not going to say he's been a selfish arse and sorry, he'll be a better partner and dad. He's just going to try and justify himself and I'm too tired to listen.

I feel like messaging all his friends on that fucking game and telling them I'm going to leave him because of it. Difference is they're mostly all single and no dcs so they wouldn't understand

GirlWiththeLionHeart Sun 21-Apr-13 10:43:58

If I told my my mum, she would defend him.

I'm 27 he's 33.

No cannabis or drugs

BicBiro Sun 21-Apr-13 10:53:08

so you've been here before then. and you left and suddenly he got bored of the game and became available... and so the cycle goes on.

today he knows you've reached your limit and so all of a sudden he's nice and available to talk!

its completely all on his terms. your feelings dont count until he decides they do.

he sounds completely juvenile and a typical push-pull game player. you cant change this, only he can.

i'd accidently pour (several) glasses of coke over the console and then leave.

Oh, girlwiththelionheart sad

What an idiot. I'd feel like crap if I'd had a kid with someone who was more interested in screen time than the relationship.

You sound like you actually have a lot to give, are fiery & fun...and yes, wasted on him if he can't appreciate that.

Why would your mother want to defend someone like this person in the first place?. Perhaps because she herself ended up with the same loser type or recognises herself in him?. I would argue that you learnt a lot of damaging crap about relationships when growing up and all that needs to be unlearnt.

This man is also an appalling role model for a Dad.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You two should not be together at all. Don't stay within this any longer than you have to, you need to make plans to get out.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Sun 21-Apr-13 11:46:10

I really think I'm going to ask him to leave this time. I can't keep doing this,

No one would blame you! (on here anyway).

That's no way to live and too little too late i'd imagine.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Sun 21-Apr-13 11:48:19

He's just don't exactly as I thought.

He's said he wants more control at home as he has none. He wants to be able to do what he wants without guilt from me. That's what he said. I said I would rather be alone than with someone who doesn't want to be with me and how sad that I have to bargain with him to be nice and not distant with me.

Such a beautiful day and this is my life. I'm going to have a shower and take my ds out to see his great grandma and go to the park.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Sun 21-Apr-13 11:49:51

We just clash over this every time. It'll keep happening so what's the point? He's so stubborn he would throw his family away over it. So let him. See how happy he is when he can do what he likes but there's no one to care.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Sun 21-Apr-13 11:50:09

Thanks orchard sad

Good plan. It's really lovely here! Sorry it's gone this way for you but the end of one chapter is always the start of another smile cheesy but true

Loulybelle Sun 21-Apr-13 11:51:20

We here for hand holding if you do, if hes not willing to be part of the family, then he shouldnt get the perks.

Loulybelle Sun 21-Apr-13 11:53:39

Thing is, he does what he wants anyway, he doesnt give a shiney shite about your feelings, tell him "Have it your way, but we wont be around"

GirlWiththeLionHeart Sun 21-Apr-13 12:10:45

EXACTLY LB!! I've just spent an hour saying that til blue in the face!! He doesn't get his, his skull is too thick.

I'm off out to meet my sister in the park now, I know I'm going to burst into tears when I see her. She's always said she wants me to be happy even if it means leaving him. Thanks for hand hold, I need it x

ladyjadie Sun 21-Apr-13 21:10:54

You deserve someone who wouldn't ignore you for a computer game, or paint you as the controlling nag when it's clearly him who has the shortcomings. If he is addicted, he won't give up easily and only if / when he wants to. You sound desperately unhappy in a relationship that, right now, is not fulfilling your needs. If he won't listen and hear what you need and isn't bothered to make happy family memories in favour of staring at a screen for hours, I think in the long run you would be happier without him.

themightyfandango Sun 21-Apr-13 22:43:46

My DH was like this during my first pregnancy and when our DS was born. He became totally fixated on a PC game when I desperately wanted to do baby stuff and to the point of ignoring the midwives and well wishers who visited whilst he was on paternity leave two week long gaming session . Like you I became quite depressed about the situation and couldn't understand it as we were newly married and he had been very excited about ttc but the minute he saw the blue line things changed.
Twelve years and 3Ds's later I understand better. My DH has strong Aspergers traits, I had never heard of the condition at this point but fast forward a few years to 2 of my sons being diagnosed as being on the spectrum I now get it.
Basically it was his way of coping with the shock and change (not ideal I know). By the time Ds1 was 6-12 months old he had improved a lot and when the next two came along he was much more confident and hands on. He's not perfect but he is a pretty good dad these days.
Obviously your situation may be totally different and I am not suggesting your DH is on the spectrum but just advising to hang on in there, keep encouraging him to get involved, bite your tongue if has a go with baby stuff but not to your standards (not easy I know). Things might just improve.
One of the things that attracted me to my DH was his stability and yes he can err on the side of dull at times but he has a lot of reedeming features too and is incredibly loyal.
I hope things improve for you.

JCDenton Mon 22-Apr-13 01:18:43

Basically what MadBusLady said. It's not the game, it's him. It's his choice to ignore you, nobody is chaining him to the keyboard. I think that I play games a lot and I can't get more than 5/6 hours a week in lately because of real life things (both the important and fun types), and I don't regard myself as a very busy person. 4+ hours a day is ridiculous.

Mosman Mon 22-Apr-13 03:21:56

Mine used to be on the play station til all hours too, only of course he wasn't he was online dating instead. You need to go to bed together even if one of you sits up and reads all this staying up into the night crap is a recipe god disaster. Thru start looking at porn and then the dating stuff pops up on the screen, it's the road to ruin.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Mon 22-Apr-13 08:23:49

I don't think he's on dating sites as I can hear him talking to his friends while gaming. You never know though, I guess.

We talked last night after I had been out all day. He said he realises he's on the computer and iPhone too much and will calm it down. He's downloaded a box set for us to watch all week and arranged for us to go away on Saturday to Cambridge (always wanted to go).

I'm going to work on it for ds' sake and I hope he grows up a bit.

fandango I honestly think he has aspergers, as does he! The things he said about control, plus he is very ritualistic. Once he starts something he has to finish it until he moves on. Do you have any useful links so I can read up on it?

I hope he means what he says and is going to cut it down and keep it down gwtlh .

Good luck! smile

Toasttoppers Mon 22-Apr-13 08:33:54

See how it goes with the efforts he is making. My friend divorced her DH due to his x box live addiction. He made friends with loads of people in America so they would not be online till about 11 at night, he was up till 3 playing often. Then it started to affect his work. There absolutely was no other woman involved.

I was heavily in to gaming when young but this is pre Internet, DH and I play an online game together most days but restrict ourselves to 30 minutes.

I hope you have a good weekend away.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Mon 22-Apr-13 10:56:51

Thank you, I really hope we can work things out. I'm glad he's acknowledged himself he was playing too much. If he were to keep denying, there would be no point in arguing.

Loulybelle Mon 22-Apr-13 10:59:19

You should agree an a limit of how much he plays it, playing it is not the issue, its the ignoring you and DS, if you can both agree a limit on it, then he can play sometimes and you get the attention you want.

Would not necessarily pin "Aspergers" on him because you have no idea at all whether he is on the ASD spectrum or not. Not does he because presumably he has never been assessed to see if he is anywhere on the autistic spectrum. It cannot be used as an excuse for his actions. My guess fwiw is that he is not and that he is just being an arse towards you because he can.

Many people desperately try and work out exactly why their partner is behaving in such ways towards them hence you thinking of AS. Such thinking is damaging. He may equally not be anywhere on the spectrum at all, you need to bear that thought in mind as well.

If he did cut down and then over time built back up his gaming time then what for you?. That is not an unlikely scenario.

Look at his actions going forward, not just listen to his words. What sort of example is he setting to his child?.

themightyfandango Mon 22-Apr-13 14:24:08

There are lots of online resources about ASDs, the National Autistic Association website is a good one. It might be an interesting read for you, however perhaps don't read too much into it at the moment as you could tie yourself in knots thinking about it. A lot of people have aspergic traits without necessarily meeting the full critera for Aspergers.
I totally understand the absolutely having to finish one task before moving on to another. The inflexibility drives me crazy sometimes. If we go anywhere where you are given a guide map (theme park, stately home etc) not going round in exact order will cause him a lot of stress.
Like I said before though he does have a lot of good points and I try to focus on those. I feel bad saying this but the most effective way of dealing with him is sometimes treating him as a fourth child, lots of routine, clear instruction and trying to be brisk and relentlessly positive in situations he finds difficult.
I hope you find a way forward, fwiw my DH seems to have found his children a lot more interesting as they got older and could do shared stuff. I think a lot of men can be like this.

themightyfandango Mon 22-Apr-13 14:33:13

Sorry meant Society not Association. I think it is nas.org.uk

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