Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

affair heartbreak but dont know how to stop it

(63 Posts)
posypoppy Sat 20-Apr-13 16:59:52

Hi new here, and desparately wanted to come on and post, as i think someone may have some understanding and advice i am too confused at the moment to cope with really harsh critisim, though know i deserve it.
I am in sexless marriage, have been together 19 yrs, DH is nice man and great father to dds. But he just is asexual, as i hit 40 i lost weight, became more confident, wanted more i guess , he likes our staid dull life in the country andi want interseting travel, cities, people. So i did something i am not proud off and i understand if people want to flame me...but anyway i will say ...i met OM through an online site for married people ( i have now read some of the posters on here who found their husbands doing this and i realise how truely awful i have been). Suffice to say i just wanted some fun, some escapism, etc. And then we fell in love, well we thought we did. Fast forward 18 months , we were besotted, OM was always much more emotionally involved than me, he drove that side of things. At christmas time he started joking about us being together forever....i did wonder were this was going , as up until then we had both been adamant we would not break up our stable families. Neither of us bad mouthed our spouses, but occassionally i got comments about his wife which led me to believe she was very needy and he didnt get much time to relax do stuff he wanted etc. he works very long hrs, is extreamly successful, and she likes the lifestyle that gives. There is a lot more but i might give away who we are in RL , i dont know if she reads this stuff. So we get seen out having a drink by someone who knows them, that person tells his wife. It was only a drink....but wife goes ballistic and he tells all....including how we met ...i dont know why he didnt try to do damage limitation . She threw him out but he was leaving that day to go away for a week on business, cue a week of heartfelt emails back and forth , he was contemplating leaving , would i - yes....but the kids...in the end he went home, she took him back. That was 7 weeks ago, after the first weekend i emailed him and said i was walking away, we both needed that, he wanted to do the right thing for his family and me mine, and i wanted him to be happy. It was the hardest thing i have done, he lasted 36 hrs before was back in touch, and since we have been tooing and froing, hot cold txts and emails, i have tried stopping and he just reels me back in with a cute txt , and then off he goes again being cold and distant and then loving and fun. so enough i decide and ask to meet him...that is ignored ...it reached a head last week, he was away and i went to meet him. He emailed me the night before, saying he realised his behaviour had hurt me , he was sorry, he had been to councelling etc with wife, knows he doesnt want a divorce as doesnt want his children affected. no mention of loving wife but for 4 weeks hasnt said he loves me either. In the email he lays out the 2 options to us, one we continue to have a realtionship or find a way to, but this will be hard as he is being scrutinised , and asked questions all the time, it would be with a
" different intensity and different emotions etc etc for the time being "
and he could see that would be hard for both of us but mostly me . or we walk away which he said he feared would be too hurtful for both of us, and he really wanted the first option. So i went to him, we spent the night togther but it was odd, we had sex but it wasnt like before, it felt cold and functional, he held me for a bit and then i said " that was a bit crap" and we smiled and laughed , then we got talking , really really talking, we laughed as well and it was nice. He told me he had changed, how he could see the man he was 2 yrs ago is not the man he wants to be, he just cant figure out what kind of man he does want to be, he told me how hard life was at home, we were not looking for sympathy, we both acknowledged what we did has devastated someone else. he said it was still hour by hour stuff...and he just doesnt know what the future holds, he told me how hard he finds it to hear me being described in some unpleasent ways by his wife and how he tries to answers her questions without destroying all our memories despite this causing a lot of problems, but he could not answer my question that if he was jumping through all the hoops, trying to do everything he could to make it work at home why was he still wanting a relationship with me ? and it couldnt be just the sex, because if we do continue we will be months and months before we can spend time together again like that. But in all this he never said once what his feelings for me are, wether he has any ? wether he still loves me a bit, wether he misses me etc. However this man is very emotionally closed usually , and last 7 weeks must have been hell, so i can understand a bit. so the next morning we had sex again, and it was ok, and then we showered etc, and after i left he sent a txt saying " i dont know what to say except thankyou". i was vile back said some horribly things, but he kept txting all day and all day yesterday, funny chatty ones, but didnt give up and eventually i txted back and off we go again. I know this is really long , sorry, but i just dont know what to do ...i really contemplated leaving for him and him for me but in the end we didnt ....even though we both say we could see we would be fabulous together , we just couldnt do it to all our children, we both could see that also a lot of the feelings when you are in an affair are just due the dopamine levels in your brain being high and arent real feelings, i have never lived with him, never had to pick up his socks ....i said this and he laughed and got out of bed on wednesday night and picked up all my clothes, and hung up my dress....and said " there i can do it for you". basically mumsnetters i dont know how to stop this....i dont really know what he is thinking...am i just a back up plan if his marriage fails ? If a marriage is going to break up because of an affair how long does that take ? when do spouses get over it ? I am worried his wife will change and he will fall back in love with her ...and i will get hurt all over again....you can judge me if you like but i am struggling so hard with my hurt, his hurt, his wifes hurt, i am really not a bad person . so advice whatever it is.

scaevola Sat 20-Apr-13 17:09:53

Oh dear.

This man just isn't available. He's both married and 'emotionally closed' and plays games. This situation is only going to get more harmful to you.

Is your DH and marriage really as bad as you say? Or have you rewritten you memories to justify having an affair? What could happen in your marriage if you put just a fraction of the time and emotional energy you've given a third party into it instead?

Or if that's a lost cause, then answer lies in leaving both men. Then take the time to find yourself, so you can make the choices that will bring you the future you really want.

posypoppy Sat 20-Apr-13 17:16:08

i know, i know, i just dont want to face it. it is so hard when you think the person you had that wonderful relationship is still there, when we were in the thick of it he was loving, caring, kind, and when i tried several times to end it he admitted how hard emotions were for him to express but he did ...i know everyone in an affair feels this...i had all the usual stuff about how special i was, how i lit up his life , how he loved me so much ...blah. I want to justify him staying with wife by saying well ook he is admirable because he is staying for his children...but i know that isnt really just it. But why not just leave me alone when i gave him the chance ? i dont get it .
as far as my marriage, my DH is actually not that bad, he understands i intellectually need more and i have a new job 2 days a week in big city ( you can guess were) and i like his company better now, but it is the physical side of it, i like sex, and he just doesnt . I have tried to talk about his with him but he wont , he just says he is happy as things are.

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Apr-13 17:17:35

He's not going to leave his wife, he told you that himself. He will keep seeing you for sex as long as he can get away with it, possibly with gaps each time his wife suspects.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 20-Apr-13 17:20:06

If you use paragraphs you may get more responses, I cannot wade through all that, sorry.

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Apr-13 17:21:53

Does your husband know you're having an affair btw or are you still letting him think your marriage is suffering due to his inferior intellect?

posypoppy Sat 20-Apr-13 17:28:18

lovingfreedom - no my husband doesnt know, it isnt a case of his inferior intellect, it is case that i like challenges, and my DH doesnt anymore as far as my marriage suffering, i can honestly say during my affair i was a nicer person at home, a nicer wife, i was happy and relaxed and bizzarly my family benefited, as my dh doesnt sex , well i never had an issue over that part of our lives suffering. And i guess youa re right about OM, but he and i know the sex will be very very occasional, as he is not able to have any what he described as "freedom" at all.
I am sorry to the poster who couldnt be bothered to read , why even bother a post then

NotConnie Sat 20-Apr-13 17:31:45

OP, re writing in paragraphs, I was going to ask the same thing. It's very difficult to read your post without them and I had to give up. Alibaba was just trying to help you to get more responses, no need to be defensive.

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Apr-13 17:31:54

So you had an affair and everyone was happier as a result. What's the question?

navada Sat 20-Apr-13 17:34:59

Posy - I'm sorry you're in this mess - & I say 'mess' because that's what it is - nothing good comes out of an affair ( or very rarely anyway ) so get a grip & do the decent thing, which is to walk away from o/m before the affair destroys everything.

posypoppy Sat 20-Apr-13 17:43:35

sorry, i guess i am new to this, and feel so vulnerable at the moment that i take stuff people say a bit too much to heart.
loving freedom - no question in just an answer to your post.
But question was originally - how to people find the courage to walk away ?
Nevada i know i need to but just fall apart at the thought. and i know that the kind of relationship he is suggesting now will just end in me feeling further hurt but right now feel anything is better than nothing.

posypoppy Sat 20-Apr-13 17:43:59

should add - i know it is an unholy mess of our own making

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Apr-13 17:49:39

Your post mentions two options and you didn't choose the 'walk away' one. You chose the one where you keep seeing each other whenever OM is free to do so. Do you really want to end the relationship?

Loulybelle Sat 20-Apr-13 17:51:48

If your not happy in your marriage end it. Get some dignity and read some posts of the women who have cheated and how they go out of their minds dealing for the devastation its caused. You might realise that you deserve more than just being another woman who might wreck a marriage.

Loulybelle Sat 20-Apr-13 17:53:14

been cheated on*

posypoppy Sat 20-Apr-13 17:53:26

sorry again, i can see rambling op not clear.
i told him i was going to walk away the first week after D-day. he went home from his business trip and she took him back, i wrote a nice email saying to would best all round if we walked away.
It took 36 hrs before he was txting me, and tbh i was a mess and just fell straight back into it.
The 2 options were in an email on tues, yes one said to try and find a way to continue the relationship, the other was we both walk away with the memories.
He then went on to say he hoped and wished and wanted the first option .

Xales Sat 20-Apr-13 17:55:37

You met him on a website for married people. What makes you think you were the first or only one?

He works really long hours and is successful. Not so many hours that he can't fit on a dirty little fuck with another woman. How do you think he manages to do his work and be successful? Because his poor bloody wife looks after the kids and does all the 'less important' family stuff enabling him to do so. She probably thought he was busy Wednesday working for her and the family as they are supposed to be trying again while he was busy lying to her and fucking you.

You seem to have no intention of ending this in fact you seems more worried may fall back in love with his wife despite the meaningless platitudes you spouted at the start about what shit you have done to others since reading on here.

I fail to see how laying on your back legs spread for some poor other woman's husband gives you a higher intelligence than someone with better morals.

You show no compassion or real care for the hurt you are causing anyone but yourself. It is all you you you. Nasty and selfish.

Loulybelle Sat 20-Apr-13 17:55:46

Of course he wants the first option, he can shag you and go home to poor wifey. Get a grip woman.

posypoppy Sat 20-Apr-13 17:56:25

sorry loving freedom - didnt read you post clearly, i dont want to end it, i dont, i love this man still. I am having a hard time , as i know that i must but i didnt know i would feel so emotionally wrecked by it.
Loulybelle - i know, i am disgusted that i can be like this, i am disgusted that i have no dignity or strength of character, i am not normally like this and i guess i hoped someone here might give me some practical tips on just how to regain that.

optionalExtras Sat 20-Apr-13 17:58:02

I have skim read (no paragraphs makes it heavy going) and am pretty shocked at how self-centred you are.

How do you work out that you were "a nicer wife" at home while having an affair?! How does lying and betraying your husband make you nicer? People who are getting what they want are bound to come across as happy, but it doesn't make them good people underneath.

However you look at it, what you've done is selfish, cowardly and stupid (a dating site for married people? Classy). You have contributed to hurting several people and you are now getting what you deserve.

If you want to rediscover what having a shred of integrity feels like, you have two choices. Either you tell you husband that you are so unhappy with the sex situation that you want to separate, thereby giving him some kind of choice in the matter, then actually do it before you go looking for a new, unattached shag buddy; OR you work on your relationship.

(Third option - ask if he's ok with you looking for no-strings sex elsewhere. Not one most married folk go for, but you never know...).

But Stage One has to be cutting all contact with this slimeball OM who is not, and clearly never was, yours to choose.

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Apr-13 17:58:11

He's messing you around. It's a classic case of wanting his cake and eat it. You're kind of doing the same with your DH. The difference is that while you might be willing to leave your DH, this man will never leave his DW. You are the bit on the side. You walk away by walking away and cutting all contact.

lemonstartree Sat 20-Apr-13 17:58:12

Posted with paragraphs

Hi new here, and desparately wanted to come on and post, as i think someone may have some understanding and advice i am too confused at the moment to cope with really harsh critisim, though know i deserve it.

I am in sexless marriage, have been together 19 yrs, DH is nice man and great father to dds. But he just is asexual, as i hit 40 i lost weight, became more confident, wanted more i guess , he likes our staid dull life in the country andi want interseting travel, cities, people.

So i did something i am not proud off and i understand if people want to flame me...but anyway i will say ...i met OM through an online site for married people ( i have now read some of the posters on here who found their husbands doing this and i realise how truely awful i have been). Suffice to say i just wanted some fun, some escapism, etc.

And then we fell in love, well we thought we did.

Fast forward 18 months , we were besotted, OM was always much more emotionally involved than me, he drove that side of things. At christmas time he started joking about us being together forever....i did wonder were this was going , as up until then we had both been adamant we would not break up our stable families. Neither of us bad mouthed our spouses, but occassionally i got comments about his wife which led me to believe she was very needy and he didnt get much time to relax do stuff he wanted etc. he works very long hrs, is extreamly successful, and she likes the lifestyle that gives. There is a lot more but i might give away who we are in RL , i dont know if she reads this stuff.

So we get seen out having a drink by someone who knows them, that person tells his wife. It was only a drink....but wife goes ballistic and he tells all....including how we met ...i dont know why he didnt try to do damage limitation .

She threw him out but he was leaving that day to go away for a week on business, cue a week of heartfelt emails back and forth , he was contemplating leaving , would i - yes....but the kids...in the end he went home, she took him back.

That was 7 weeks ago,

after the first weekend i emailed him and said i was walking away, we both needed that, he wanted to do the right thing for his family and me mine, and i wanted him to be happy. It was the hardest thing i have done, he lasted 36 hrs before was back in touch, and since we have been tooing and froing, hot cold txts and emails, i have tried stopping and he just reels me back in with a cute txt , and then off he goes again being cold and distant and then loving and fun. so enough i decide and ask to meet him...that is ignored ...it reached a head last week, he was away and i went to meet him.

He emailed me the night before, saying he realised his behaviour had hurt me , he was sorry, he had been to councelling etc with wife, knows he doesnt want a divorce as doesnt want his children affected. no mention of loving wife but for 4 weeks hasnt said he loves me either.

In the email he lays out the 2 options to us, one we continue to have a realtionship or find a way to, but this will be hard as he is being scrutinised , and asked questions all the time, it would be with a
" different intensity and different emotions etc etc for the time being "
and he could see that would be hard for both of us but mostly me . or we walk away which he said he feared would be too hurtful for both of us, and he really wanted the first option.

So i went to him, we spent the night togther but it was odd, we had sex but it wasnt like before, it felt cold and functional, he held me for a bit and then i said " that was a bit crap" and we smiled and laughed , then we got talking , really really talking, we laughed as well and it was nice. He told me he had changed, how he could see the man he was 2 yrs ago is not the man he wants to be, he just cant figure out what kind of man he does want to be, he told me how hard life was at home, we were not looking for sympathy, we both acknowledged what we did has devastated someone else. he said it was still hour by hour stuff...and he just doesnt know what the future holds, he told me how hard he finds it to hear me being described in some unpleasent ways by his wife and how he tries to answers her questions without destroying all our memories despite this causing a lot of problems, but he could not answer my question that if he was jumping through all the hoops, trying to do everything he could to make it work at home why was he still wanting a relationship with me ? and it couldnt be just the sex, because if we do continue we will be months and months before we can spend time together again like that.

But in all this he never said once what his feelings for me are, wether he has any ? wether he still loves me a bit, wether he misses me etc.

However this man is very emotionally closed usually , and last 7 weeks must have been hell, so i can understand a bit.

so the next morning we had sex again, and it was ok, and then we showered etc, and after i left he sent a txt saying " i dont know what to say except thankyou". i was vile back said some horribly things, but he kept txting all day and all day yesterday, funny chatty ones, but didnt give up and eventually i txted back and off we go again.

I know this is really long , sorry, but i just dont know what to do ...i really contemplated leaving for him and him for me but in the end we didnt ....even though we both say we could see we would be fabulous together , we just couldnt do it to all our children, we both could see that also a lot of the feelings when you are in an affair are just due the dopamine levels in your brain being high and arent real feelings, i have never lived with him, never had to pick up his socks ....i said this and he laughed and got out of bed on wednesday night and picked up all my clothes, and hung up my dress....and said " there i can do it for you".

basically mumsnetters i dont know how to stop this....i dont really know what he is thinking...
am i just a back up plan if his marriage fails ?
If a marriage is going to break up because of an affair how long does that take ?
when do spouses get over it ?
I am worried his wife will change and he will fall back in love with her ...and i will get hurt all over again....

you can judge me if you like but i am struggling so hard with my hurt, his hurt, his wifes hurt, i am really not a bad person . so advice whatever it is.

Loulybelle Sat 20-Apr-13 17:59:37

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1722750-This-doesnt-look-good-does-it

Read this thread from a woman whos found her husband cheated, and now the OW is pregnant, now imagine you were the other woman, you really wanna be part of the reason this woman is struggling not to cry on a daily basis, if that doesnt make you feel terrible, then you are not a nice person.

navada Sat 20-Apr-13 18:00:14

Posy- I know it's hard, but just coming on here asking for advice means you're taking the first steps to break away, but we can't end it for you - you need to want to do that yourself, & if you haven't got to that stage yet all the advice in the world won't make you stop.

lemonstartree Sat 20-Apr-13 18:00:21

he is a horrible selfish cruel man. Why on earth do you want to be with him ?

He will never ever, ever make you happy. end it, right now.

Then look at what you want/need

posypoppy Sat 20-Apr-13 18:01:33

xales - i agree , it is about me, it is about me trying to find some practical help in doing the right thing, at least i can see that i have to, it doesnt make it an easier .
As for what you said about his wife, well actually you are wrong, she doesnt work, yet they have to have a nanny, she wont drive were they live as the roads are too busy so he pays for her to have a driver , at weekends he drives kids around to stuff because of point above. he pays for cleaner and gardener as she doesnt want to do it. No justification for my behaviour but things are not always what they appear.

lemonstartree Sat 20-Apr-13 18:02:25

so HE says posy, what evidence do you have that this is the truth ?

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Apr-13 18:03:12

X posted. So your question is not how to walk away, it's about getting permission to carry on? There's nothing you can do OP. When you meet guys on NSA websites they are generally looking for NSA sex. Your options are to carry on your NSA affair with him, if he's still interested. Or end it. He was never on love with you. You were the latest in a line of NSA sexual partners.

Loulybelle Sat 20-Apr-13 18:03:33

Maybe so, but Poppy you have no right to judge their marriage, he must get something out of it to stay, and you are certainly not the only woman hes met online and you wont be the last.

navada Sat 20-Apr-13 18:04:09

Oops sorry - just read you don't want to leave o/m.
All I can say then is good luck x

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Apr-13 18:05:07

The wife is always mental, depressed, frigid, lazy, fat, unreasonable...and she never understands him!

Loulybelle Sat 20-Apr-13 18:05:23

Hope its protected sex OP, otherwise you might want to go to an STI Clinic.

Loulybelle Sat 20-Apr-13 18:06:24

Freedom, same old line isnt it, hes definitely read the script.

posypoppy Sat 20-Apr-13 18:08:40

thats true lemonstartree
and thankyou to you and others who have said nicer things, i feel a bit more supported in doing the right thing.
It is indeed cake and eat it situation for both him and me , and that has got to stop, because he has got to go and try to make things right for his wife or if he doesnt want to he has to separate, but that has got to be up to him . i am making things worse for her by being available to him as an option.
If i stop it now, no contact , well he can then do whatever is right for him. which i think we all know is staying with wife.
i feel just with the little positive support some of you have shown , i can do this.
so on a practical note, do i write to him saying this or do i just ignore all further emails or txts ?
I know most of you think i am awful and a bad person, but i am not, i just got into a stupid mess and was thoughtless and selfish and now i want to stop being that person. So would it be the "nice" civilised thingto do to let him know ?

Xales Sat 20-Apr-13 18:09:31

Things aren't what they appear?

He signs up for extra marital sex. He has it. His wife thinks they are trying again. He is still fucking you. Of course what you know of his marriage from him is 100% honest and truthful. hmm You are questioning if he could fall back in love with his wife.

Appears dirty and sordid to me.

Loulybelle Sat 20-Apr-13 18:11:00

Poppy is best to disengage, no warning, you give him warning, he'll only try a new tactic to charm you back in, delete his number and dont reply.

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Apr-13 18:11:16

Sorry but yes, a script too hackneyed for Corrie I'm afraid. OP I do sympathise with you a bit cos you have fallen hook, line and sinker for one of the oldest cons going. Admit you've been taken for a fool...and move on.

Do the decent thing by your DH too. If he's too boring to stay with then dump him politely. Stop lying to him.

Do you have kids?

posypoppy Sat 20-Apr-13 18:12:31

reading what you all just said about him - oh god, i have been a naive idiot havent I ?
he said he loved me, did the most amzingly romantic things, bought me gorgeous presents , it went on for 18 months, incredible things he did, once driving 3 hrs out of his way from one home to his other home just to take me for a 20 minute coffee.....and i thought it all meant something more than it did...
and in answer to a point severla of you raised, i am his third affair, but the only one his wife knows about.
i wish i had come on here weeks ago...even with the harsh comments it has been helpful

NotConnie Sat 20-Apr-13 18:12:53

Thanks for that lemon I was having problems scrolling and couldn't follow the original.

OP, I think you need to end it right now, and the first thing to do to get over it is stop all contact with him. Every time you get a 'cute text' he is just reeling you back in. He's seen how easy it is to get you back where he wants you whenever he snaps his fingers.
Stop all contact with him immediately, block his email address, block his mobile number if you can (I believe there are apps for that).
Then you need to take a good look at your marriage.

navada Sat 20-Apr-13 18:13:56

Posy, we'll support you - I'm just not sure what to say?
I'll get a few wine in & maybe the ideas will come flowing in.

NotConnie Sat 20-Apr-13 18:14:30

Sorry cross post hadn't seen the most recent. His third affair? This guy is a piece of work isn't he? His poor wife. Please dump immediately.

Loulybelle Sat 20-Apr-13 18:15:55

Poppy, if your were honest with your DH, you might actually get somewhere and getting a bit more enjoyment from your life than a cheap, vile, cheating man. You know you deserve more than to be the OW.

posypoppy Sat 20-Apr-13 18:16:14

yes i have 2 dds, i do look at them and think how could i have thought in a million years about leaving to be with this man.
I honestly thought at the time, we would all live happily ever after , his children, mine , it would be a wonderful blended family.
and the worse thing is , i am intelligent, a professional , confident woman....bloody hell what a fool.
for thelast 7 weeks even my best friend hasnt been able to make me see what you ladies have in 1 hr ...

You're his third affair and by no means his last.

He doesn't care about you. You're an easy shag.

Gather up the remnants of your dignity and walk away.

badinage Sat 20-Apr-13 18:23:26

Blimey, he really saw you coming didn't he? shock

You hear about these doozies that believe a load of rubbish about other women, but it's amazing to see it in print.

AnyFucker Sat 20-Apr-13 18:24:48

You have been very lucky his wife didn't tell your H and you got thrown out on your arse

I suspect his wife knows he can't keep it in his trousers, and she feels sorry for you as just another stupid little deluded woman taken in by this Charming Man

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Apr-13 18:25:07

It was a fantasy and you got caught up in it. You weren't the first/won't be the last...blah blah.

Put your energy into your kids for a while and like others have said, take a look at your marriage. If you think it's over, then take steps to end it. Don't line up some OM first and keep well away from the NSA sites.

Do not...contact OM again. Not for old times, not to say goodbye, not to be polite.

scaevola Sat 20-Apr-13 18:25:42

You are also going to have to face up to sorting out you marriage. Your DH will have noticed a change in you, but may not have worked out why. What you thought of as an "improved you" was probably no such thing at all.

If you are really that unhappy, the answer most emphatically is not to shag a man as dreadful as the one you've described. It's to rediscover yourself and then make the necessary changes.

Please be kind to DH though. He doesn't deserve the situation he's in. It may hurt him in the short term, but his happiness probably lies with someone else, who will appreciate him exactly as he is.

navada Sat 20-Apr-13 18:32:03

Look into your husbands eyes, & your children's, when they find out what's been going on & their world comes crashing down - look at their pain & ask yourself if the affair was worth it.

posypoppy Sat 20-Apr-13 18:36:21

i know that having an affair was not kind to my dh but he has refused to have any intimacy with me for 5 yrs and will not discuss, seek help or infact seems to mind this. I do mind, i like sex. there is nothing wrong in that. at the beginning i thought that i could compartmentalise my affair, i never intended to get so involved, i honestly thought it would be harmess fun, and fulfill that need for me. I was not nasty to my dh, i work extreamly hard to provide financially, support his needs and wants, my dh likes doing stuff like hiking etc, i am always supportiv eof him wanting to go off and do stuff with friends , and i do the most of the organising family type stuff. I know now none of that justifys wrecking this man's wife's life, honestly i didnt realise at beginning what could happen, and yes i guess i was acting selfishly.
you could ask why i havent left my dh - if i want something he wont give me - well the rest of our relationship is good, we are like close friends...i guess i need to give it some time to get over OM and then think about what i do about my marriage.

scaevola Sat 20-Apr-13 18:47:09

If all that was wrong with your marriage, and you knew it, the sensible and kind thing (for both you and H) is to end it or mend it.

It's never a justification for an affair, and it inevitably leads to more pain. And just because your H hasn't found out, doesn't make your nastiness any less real. For an affair is an extremely nasty thing to do. As you might realise more fully from his reaction if he discovers it.

You probably need to leave both men, and have a lengthy period with no man around at all, whilst you sort yourself out.

scaevola Sat 20-Apr-13 18:49:47
posypoppy Sat 20-Apr-13 18:52:25

how would you suggest mending something like your husband deciding unilaterally your marriage is going to be celibate ?
i have tried really nicely to suggest we see the doctor, wether he would like to talk to someone about it etc, but all i get is " no it doesnt bother me"
as i have a said all i have read this afternoon has made me swiftly realise what i need to do about OM, but i am sorry i really didnt mean to be nasty, i got caught up in something which i know now is wrong.

Loulybelle Sat 20-Apr-13 18:54:13

Poppy, if he refuses to mend it, then you end it, and say to him, "I want sex and intimacy, and i will find someone who kind give that to me". If you try and end it, it might give him the kick up the arse.

posypoppy Sat 20-Apr-13 18:58:41

scaevola - fantastic site - had quick look, will make it a target to read a bit everyday , and to get the books on my kindle.
i will write in my journal tonight with some other targets , one day of no contact = take kids for pizza, ect and one of them will be have another conversation with my dh about sex . might make that at the 28 day of no contact point as do not want to go running back to OM ....

piratecat Sat 20-Apr-13 19:01:11

well you shouldn't have to stay in a sexless marriage.

Talk to your dh.

Tell him about the affair.

posypoppy Sat 20-Apr-13 19:11:23

hi piratecat,

i have thought very hard about that, there is another post somewere were i read about wether telling is a good idea or not.
a huge part of me wants to, i guess though that is aboutme wanting to relieve myself of this huge burden of mixed up, messed up emotion, but i dont feel that is fair to dh. the other reason though is it might be a catalyst to either separate ( i dont really want to for my childrens sake and the fact i have a relatively happy stable marriage, just no sex) or for him to address issues or maybe we work out an arrangement for an open marriage - but tbh i thought before that i could have a harmess bit of fun sex and look what happened !!!

posy it's not wrong to want sex and intimacy in a marriage and it's grossly unfair for your h to just decide to take that off the table.

You wouldn't be wrong to end your marriage if he is opposed to fixing it.

scaevola Sat 20-Apr-13 19:28:34

I said "mend it or end it". As it seems you do not want to mend it, then ending your marriage is what you need to do. It would have been better to do this before your affair (and had you been free you might have found someone considerably nicer than the OM you're describing).

But looking back with the blessing of hindsight doesn't help you now. As you see your marriage as irreparable, then you need to look at ending it.

AnyFucker Sat 20-Apr-13 19:50:32

posy nobody has said you should stay in a sexless marriage

I think you should end your marriage

but stop fucking about with lowlifes and potentially ruining other people's lives

you won't feel better for it, in the long run

end your marriage with some dignity, and quit shagging shaggers

EllaFitzgerald Sat 20-Apr-13 20:18:37

You may not be a bad person but your behaviour is pretty awful and I'm struggling to have much sympathy for you.

You hit 40 and decided you wanted a bit of excitement, while still keeping hold of the security of your marriage and your home life. You purposely chose to enter into a relationship with someone you knew was married with children and you chose to believe him when he intimated that he didn't get much freedom (although he clearly had enough freedom to be carrying on with you!) You've fallen for his claims that his wife is with him for the lifestyle he gives her and you're asking "when do spouses get over it?" I suspect his wife wouldn't be too impressed with your claim that you're struggling with her pain too!

He's already had an opportunity to be with you when his wife chucked him out but he chose to go back to her. The best advice I can give you is change your mobile number and your email address, delete his contact details and, if you don't want to be with your husband anymore then leave him and be by yourself until you believe that you're good enough to be someone's first choice and not their stand by.

badinage Sat 20-Apr-13 20:36:13

I reckon a few of these chancers on married dating sites lie about their wives finding out and use it as an excuse to 'cool things' a bit with an OW who's getting a bit over-involved.

Let's face it, you can hardly 'prove' a single thing he's saying can you OP? You've only got his word for it that his wife found out, just like you've only got his word for anything that ever came out of his mouth.

I also think these blokes probably casually drop a bit of info about their wives and the OW run with it, embellish it and add info to suit their own purposes. So a bloke mentions they've got a gardener, his wife's got a driver and she's a SAHM - and the OW turns it into his wife being a needy lazybones who's running the poor ickle man ragged. hmm

OP maybe your husband's on one of these sites too eh? I mean, he's telling you he doesn't want sex....and you've run with that and concluded that he's 'asexual' and that it isn't personal.

Maybe you've both got these secrets?

theboutiquemummy Sat 20-Apr-13 20:41:07

you had an affair and your normal life by the sounds of it lacks drama and sizzling sex

What makes you think your Husband doesn't know what's going on or that he doesn't hanker for some excitement ?

Here's what I know marriages don't fail in isolation it takes two in all things, you blame your husband for you having an affair and then it's all about the OM. Where is the you in all this ? You seem to have gone from one extreme to the next

What do you want ?

Decide take control of Your life what happens in it is up to you ?

And if you don't love your Husband have the respect that he deserves after 19 years of marriage and let him find someone who truly values him

As for OM worry about you first

Good luck

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now