Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I have gained a lodger and lost a friend.

(75 Posts)
poozlepants Sat 20-Apr-13 16:44:10

We have a granny flat above our garage. We aren't renting it out as it would then be liable for council tax and we wouldn't be guaranteed regular tenants as we live in a pretty unpopular renting area.
At the moment we have a good friend of 25 years standing staying it whilst he relocates from London. He came up in January for 2 days and ended up staying nearly 4 weeks and generally was grumpy and nasty to me despite trying to avoid him. He had form for being a terrible moody flatmate years ago and obviously he hadn't changed. He asked us could he stay in the flat whilst he got himself sorted. He is a very old friend and we wanted to help him as much as we could so despite the stress of the previous month we said yes.
I mildly called him on his attitude via email and he appeared horrified and said it was because he was stressed. It was all sorted and I made a joke of it and that was that.
He has been here 2 months and it has been beyond awful. DH and I have done what we can to give him a wide berth but he basically canot be civil to me. If I meet him outside he either wilfully ignores me or snaps at me. Any of the most bland conversation is wilfully misinterpreted and ends up him telling me to shut up. I am not welcome in the flat at all. I have kept my counsel as it was only to the end of April. Now he has basically said to DH he hasn't found anywhere to go. We know he is going to ask DH this weekend whether he can stay on. He has nowhere to go.
It would seem an easy decision- No- but he has had depression in the recent past and I am wondering how much of this might be going? He was meant to be over it and bearing in mind he is pleasant to DH and other friends just not to me I am inclined to think he is just being a pig. Even dh says it is obvious he can't stand the sight of me and is worried he is ill because he can't believe someone could do this intentionally especially when I have very little to do with him and he is basically relying on our good will. He doesn't pay any rent and is to give us a small sum at the end to cover bills and expenses.
I have been ill twice in the last month first with cellulitis from athletes foot and then with conjunctivitis and the GP thinks I am run down and stressed as I am usually fighting fit. How much should I put my health and happiness before someone's suspected mh problems?

Nanny0gg Sat 20-Apr-13 16:49:59

'Good friend'?

Doesn't sound much like it. I think if he stands any chance of staying, your DH needs to have strong words. And if there isn't an instant apology and change of attitude he can go.

How can it be MH issues when he's okay to other people?

carabossse Sat 20-Apr-13 16:53:24

It seems that no-one is happy with the current situation. Stick to your earlier agreement and don't allow a further extension to his stay. Write off any money for bills, I doubt that'll happen, and hope he hasn't done serious damage to your granny flat. Or, be prepared to be asking this same question indefinitely. It'll never be a good time for him to move out of free accommodation. Never.

You've no need to give a reason for ejecting him to leave when he said he would, but out of interest, surely he's choosing you money? Bills, increased insurance costs eand additional maintenance etc.

Oh and get yourself on the thread about "have you ever seen anything this cheeky"!

carabossse Sat 20-Apr-13 16:54:22

Ejecting? Expecting. Freudian phone slip !

Present a united front to this person and kick him out asap. He has outstayed his welcome long enough and he's not paying you any rent.
He's a freeloader and an unpleasant freeloader at all.

Harsh as it appears, it is not actually your problem he now has nowhere to go so do not feel sorry for him.

Look at Hs and your own behaviours in all this as well to see what you can learn from it; if he had previous form for being moody and miserable as a flatmate then why did you two take him in?.

He's no old friend; he has just used the two of you for his own ends. You likely saw through the façade long before your H did so does not like you.

Naoko Sat 20-Apr-13 17:01:57

Tell him to get out. I put up a friend once, a friend whose marriage had fallen apart, who was having health problems both physical and mental, and who was on his arse financially. Anyone would've been justified being a bit snappy in his situation. He wasn't - he was delightful, and very careful not to impose, didn't outstay his welcome (in fact I'd have been happy for him to stay longer because he was such good company), and asked me on numerous occasions if I was sure he could stay because he didn't want to be a pain. That's how to crash at someone's house. There is absolutely no excuse for his behaviour regardless of his issues, and if his issues are so severe he actually cannot help being this much of a dick to you he needs far more help than a place to sleep. Get him out of there before he does you any more harm - and he is, if your doctor says some of your issues are due to stress.

It is great to help out a friend, and it's kind to cut someone some slack if they have problems. It is bad to be taken advantage of by someone who is not acting like a friend, and whose pisstaking behaviour is causing you problems of your own you didn't have before. Be firm.

poozlepants Sat 20-Apr-13 17:02:35

I know it is bad. But I think he is relying on DH not being up for confrontation. He tried to get him on his own last night after work but fortunately DH had a day off.
I think I was secretly hoping something was up so that I wouldn't lose a long standing friend but I do know people who lived with him years ago have refused to speak to him since. He is outwardly a really lovely person and has a responsible professional job. He is just not good in a domestic setting. DH has been in the flat and apparently its fine. I could go in when he is not there but it was made clear he wasn't happy.
It is going to be really horrible this weekend.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Sat 20-Apr-13 17:07:06

Why on earth would you even consider letting him stay?! I'm sorry but it seems like utter madness to me

Why aren't you and your DH furious at the way he's treating you? Even if he does have issues, how hard would it be for him to be civil to the person doing him a massive favour?

Cerisier Sat 20-Apr-13 17:10:32

Wow he is being outrageously rude to you while living in your flat?

He is not an old friend- he is a nasty entitled person who might have been your friend a long time ago. You have tried to point out where he has gone wrong but he hasn't changed his ways. He will only have himself to blame when he is sent packing by you and DH.

You need expat along to give you some top tips in how not to be taken for a ride. She should give lessons!

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 20-Apr-13 17:12:16

But he isn't your friend if he is horrible to you. He is a freeloading user who is taking advantage of your good nature.

Tell him to sling his hook.

Cerisier Sat 20-Apr-13 17:13:41

OP have you seen this thread? I think your lodger could give Mexican man a run for his money.

poozlepants Sat 20-Apr-13 17:33:10

Bloody hell- I have just read that other thread. The Mexican thing was unbelievable. It has made me happy that there are other mugs out there.
I accept I am an idiot but we did it for the best of intentions as said friend had had a really shitty couple of years when his parents died and he ended up with depression.
We had another friend stay last year and she was lovely and I really enjoyed it.
I'm off to gird my loins.

Lavenderhoney Sat 20-Apr-13 17:34:14

He has to go! He's not a lodger as he doesn't pay rent anyway- which is wrong - he works, uses facilities, uses your address for post, etc etc.

What does your dh say? It's a joint decision surely? Tell him you need the space and sorry but it was just a short term arrangement.

He doesn't sound very friendly to me, you haven't really lost a friend by the sound of it.

So you let him live there for free in return he acts like a dick and gives you disrespect , I'd tell him to do one OP.
Some way to show your gratitude to someone putting a roof over your head.

Gerrof Sat 20-Apr-13 17:46:33

I was just goimg to post that we need expat on this thread and saw ssomeone said it first!

He is no friend of yours. It is probably not his depression because he is perfectly civil to others. Fair enough he may not like you (why yhough) but he is living rent free and relying on your goodwill.

Tell him to fuck off the miserable twat.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sat 20-Apr-13 17:49:51

Get him out! He treats you like shit and you let him live there for free? Seriously?

Where he goes is not your problem. Don't make the mistake of thinking you are responsible for him.

You did him a HUGE favour and he repaid it by treating you with contempt.

you owe him nothing.

poozlepants Sat 20-Apr-13 17:57:07

We're not sure why he's suddenly decided I am the antichrist as I have had so little to do with him and we were great friends beofre. Its' something he did eons ago when he shared a flat with friends. We think he does it to bolster his own ego. DH only really saw how bad it was a few weeks ago when friend and I were having a conversation outside the window of a room DH was doing DIY in and friend didn't know DH was there.

Greatdomestic Sat 20-Apr-13 18:06:58

How he is treating you is not how great friends of 25 years standing treat each other, especially one doing you a massive favour.

Don't allow him to disrespect you any longer. On your last post you say that your DH overheard him basically being a d* to you in your own home and has done nothing over it.

Who knows why he is doing it and no one cares. It is not your problem.

The ex-friend needs to go. Let him abuse someone else's hospitality. And if I were you I would be telling my DH that when someone is treating you with disrespect, you expect his support. Immediately.

MrsRajeshKoothrappali Sat 20-Apr-13 18:18:20

He's rude to you despite your loveliness.

Of he fucks.

Lets see how far he gets elsewhere with that attitude.

carabossse Sat 20-Apr-13 18:41:08

Just focus on how much better you'll feel once he's gone.

Nanny0gg Sat 20-Apr-13 20:22:51

He was rude to you, your husband overheard, and he's still there?


is your dh being a bit of a wimp over this? why isn't he confronting your friend and telling him he's out of order? shock shock

Angelico Sat 20-Apr-13 21:57:10

This guy sounds like a complete cock. His depression is no excuse - if he can manage to be nice to others then he can manage to be nice to you. He's choosing to be a pig instead.

Tell him to ship out. And stop being such a walkover FGS!

Mumsyblouse Sat 20-Apr-13 22:01:08

Why on earth, the first time he was rude to/about you, did you or your husband ask him to leave? Really. This is ridiculous, you are cowering in your own home afraid to ask him to move on, and he is not even paying rent! Obviously being a very nasty person is working well for him, as he now has intimidated the both of you.

I think your husband is being very weedy too, I hope my husband would march in there immediately and tell him to do one if I was upset by a man living (as a favour) in our house.

Get him out immediately, or at least, write him a note and post it in asking him formally to leave the property say in three days time. If he doesn't, then you may have to get a solicitor's letter/call the police (I have done this).

Don't be put off by an escalation of his illness, he's managed for 25 years without living with you and he'll have to manage again, plus I would bet that he's not nearly as bad as he's making out, but even if it is, he need professional help and somewhere else to live and to get out of your lives.

I am quite incredulous you would put up with this really.

cees Sat 20-Apr-13 22:40:20

You and your dh are mugs to put up with him and looking back in few years you will kick yourself for not booting him out sooner. He is a pig and he doesn't like you at all, whats in this for you because it's not friendship.

CarnivorousPanda Sat 20-Apr-13 22:50:53

No real friend would behave like this towards someone who has shown such hospitality. He acts vile towards you because as you now see him in his true colours, so he sees you as a threat. Reading this, he is bullying the pair of you.

He pays no rent, he abuses you. His behaviour varies depending on who he speaks to. I wouldn't call him a lodger - aren't they supposed to pay rent ?

I really think you want him out asap. No arguments. "This is not working" Then change the locks.

Earlybird Sat 20-Apr-13 22:56:42

He is being awful and has abused your friendship and generosity. Send hi m on his way immediately.

Even if he doesn't have anywhere to go, he can rent a room in a hotel/B&B until he sorts himself out. It is not your problem though.

Cerisier Sun 21-Apr-13 13:00:17

It was good that DH heard him in action being rude to you. Why didn't he immediately go and pull him up on his behaviour though?

I think you and DH need to sit down and agree when you want him out (and make it soon) and then you both tell him.

I am fuming on your behalf- for goodness sake get him out. There isn't a friendship here to lose, so why the delay?

poozlepants Mon 22-Apr-13 09:32:04

Quick update. DH went over to see him to talk to him and it transpired he had found somewhere to go from next month. Friend then brought up the fact there seemd to be some ill feeling between me and him and said he wanted to sort it out. So far so good. DH and friend came over to talk to me and immediately went on the attack - I had said something innocuous last weekend apparently(which I don't remember) and he was sooo upset and I have made him feel unwelcome and he has tried so hard to stay out of my way. Bollocks.Of all my many and myriad faults being inhospitable isn't one of them.
Well- I sort of lost it (in a semi controlled way) and told him he's behaved like an arse and to fuck the fuck off. DH stood there trying manfully to continue to mediate and totally refused to back me up. I stormed off and came back about 3 hours later. Had a very big go at DH who by this stage was really worried and really apologetic.
Then, because I can't bear to fall out with people, I went over to friend said we should forget about it and just put it behind us. We had tea and cake. He is moving in 2 weeks he is now on his best behaviour so 2 weeks I can cope with.
Probably most of you will feel I am a wuss for making up but when we were having the argument I didn't back down, I wouldn't accept that I was at anyway at fault (because for once I haven't been).
Mostly I was pissed off with DH but after I calmed down I see that he had tried to do the right thing but ballsed it up. Friend had basically said he wanted to apologise and DH couldn't quite believe it when he went straight in on the attack and things went so badly so quickly.

kittybiscuits Mon 22-Apr-13 09:38:31

Oh dear poozlepants sad. That's a nightmare. It is your house and you can ask him at any point to pack his things and leave immediately. So if you change your mind, or the halo slips a millimetre, don't hesitate to tell him he has an hour to pack his things and go. To be honest, I'm more concerned about your husband's poor bahaviour. He didn't back you up and has encouraged you to make peace in a situation where you are being treated really badly. It seems really cowardly and unsupportive. I'm guessing this isn't the first time?

expatinscotland Mon 22-Apr-13 09:47:11

Are you for real? You're a mug, but your husband is lilly-livered twerp of the highest order.

You're still putting up with this?!

Two weeks, my arse.

Bet you London to a brick he goes nowhere because behind every freeloading pisstaker stands a complete mug like you and your DH.

You gave him tea and cake because you don't like confrontation with this bullying dicksmack who has used you?

You need a kick up the jacksie to insert a spine into you.

You don't have a lodger or a friend, you have a freeloading twat who has obviously done this to others as there appears to be a train of people who want nothing else to do with him anymore.

His shit should be out on the pavement and the locks changed by close of play today after that stunt he pulled this weekend! I could say he'd have been out within an hour after his outburst, but that would be lying, because this twunt would never have been in my house at all in the first place.

expatinscotland Mon 22-Apr-13 09:49:02

And tbh, if my spouse behaved like this, it wouldn't be long before his shit was out on the pavement, too.

There's nothing 'manful' about him. I've met spayed rabbits with more balls than he's got.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 22-Apr-13 10:57:54

Why are you giving him another 2 weeks?! After everything that's happened, he insults you in your own home and the net result is he's still there. He's been guilt-tripping you into letting him stay rent-free and, when the two weeks are up, I'm pretty sure you'll be playing out this charade all over again. Get him out.

poozlepants Mon 22-Apr-13 11:07:49

This is my DH's default position - don't cause a fuss just move on. Once he has decided someone is a waste of space he just doesn't give them anymore head room. He doesn't understand my need to get endlessly worked up about stuff. His attitide is - this man is a cock so I really don't give a shit. Confrontation is def. not his thing. It is actually not a bad attitude at times but he did get it both barrels last night.

As for me - I feel have the upperhand. I said a lot of stuff and refused to back down I am not totally spineless. I am never going to trust said friend again or do him any favours. He def has somewhere to go- I don't think he wants to be here anymore. Anyway the boiler broke this weekend and we aren't getting it fixed so he has no heating or hot water.

Mumsyblouse Mon 22-Apr-13 11:12:33

Glad it is sorting (IF it is sorting) but..your husband!

One of the great things about having a husband I think is that you have someone on your side against the world, and certainly against freeloading mates. I can't believe he didn't back you- you would have both been well within your rights to kick this guy out immediately! I would see my husband as very much weedy and weak if he didn't back me over something like being insulted in my own home.

StealthOfficialCrispTester Mon 22-Apr-13 11:15:19

" DH only really saw how bad it was a few weeks ago when friend and I were having a conversation outside the window of a room DH was doing DIY inand friend didn't know DH was there"

So he could be civil when your Dh was around, only showing his true feelings when you were on your own.
I know why he doesn't like you btw. It's because he can manipulate your dh, but not you to the same extent.

poozlepants Mon 22-Apr-13 11:39:42

Making up with the friend wasn't really making up. I don't trust him, I think what he did to me was unforgiveable and I'm not likely to forget it or have anything to do with him again but I am someone who is always riddled by guilt so I did it to make myself feel better.
As for Dh he has major issues with confrontation- due to his family- and this does make me feel like he hasn't backed me up. However we have been together for 22 years so it's not like it's something new.
We have had ongoing difficulties with my MIL and there was part of me yesterday that thought actually if he wimps out about this I am going to have more leverage to make him sort his parents out.
There is part of me envies his ability just to write someone off and then stop giving a shit about it.

kittybiscuits Mon 22-Apr-13 12:17:50

yes, at your expense poozle sad

glastocat Mon 22-Apr-13 12:55:24

What expat said. You are being a mug and your husband needs to grow a pair. Actually so do you for letting both of them away with behaving like this, I can't believe you went over with cake! I would be livid with the pair of them and be packing both their bags.

expatinscotland Mon 22-Apr-13 13:26:26

'Mostly I was pissed off with DH but after I calmed down I see that he had tried to do the right thing but ballsed it up. Friend had basically said he wanted to apologise and DH couldn't quite believe it when he went straight in on the attack and things went so badly so quickly'.

No, friend wanted to keep you sweet so he could continue to freeload.

Pack his bags.

Sugarice Mon 22-Apr-13 13:33:38

OP I'm with expat , tell the bloke [he's no friend] to sling his hook, don't give him two weeks more.

What a tool he is, stop being so nice to him.

garlicyoni Mon 22-Apr-13 13:34:52

I understand you're not keen to bring DH too much into the conversation, but you must have told him how horrid this 'friend' was being towards you? Did not believe you until he heard it himself, and/or simply not care?

Either way, I feel his attitude stinks. Sorry.

garlicyoni Mon 22-Apr-13 13:35:54

- oh, and, YY, kick the fucker out. Although I bet he'll do it himself now the boiler's gone. Well done on not fixing it.

poozlepants Mon 22-Apr-13 13:49:50

Everyone who know this person thinks he is fantastic- a great bloke. And he is unless you live with him. If I had thrown him out there and then he would've made me out to be some hysterical female and people would've believed him. We share a large group of friends - mostly mine not DH's.
Therefore, I have made a 'peace' to protect myself really. I am not really being a martyr - enemies are best kept close and I have no plans to let this go as easily as that. I intend to bide my time.

expatinscotland Mon 22-Apr-13 13:51:31

Then why do so many from his past have nothing to do with him?

Bollocks everyone thinks he's great.

I can't believe grown adults allow themselves to be manipulated like this due to peer pressure. Who gives a fuck what others think of you?

This person is abusive.

LessMissAbs Mon 22-Apr-13 13:52:51

He sounds very odd. And ill. He is rude to you, snaps at you in your own home, tells you to shut up and lives rent free of you.

tbh OP I'd be worried about your safety. He sounds extremely odd (and ill) indeed, which is unfortunate for him, but you have to put your safety in your own home first. Tell him to leave, and asap. Most attacks come from people known to the victim. Yes, I am being melodramatic, but it does happen.

Why are you and your DH being such doormats to this man?

You actually sound terrified of him.

expatinscotland Mon 22-Apr-13 13:57:50

'enemies are best kept close and I have no plans to let this go as easily as that. I intend to bide my time.'

Sorry, but this is how teenagers think. Get real! Bide your time? Why are you wasting energy on this cock? Protecting yourself? From whom, are people giong to come after you with knives if you throw him out? Then call the cops.

I'd get some new friends, too.

garlicyoni Mon 22-Apr-13 14:09:09

I second the motion for Expat to start an agency grin
It should be called "Cocks & Lodgers - pest removal services".

kittybiscuits Mon 22-Apr-13 14:18:19

Strapline 'I'll nut em for ye'

expatinscotland Mon 22-Apr-13 15:18:55

'It should be called "Cocks & Lodgers - pest removal services".


When we had a pest guest, only once, before I threw her out for smoking in our house after we asked her not to as I was pregnant that was my name for her from then on 'Pest Guest'.

He's a freeloader and abusive with it.

He started by intending to stay for 2 days and ended up staying nearly 4 weeks rent free!.

You have mug written all over you and your DH for putting up with him for so long. He is taking you for a ride and unfortunately you have both let him do this to you.

expatinscotland Mon 22-Apr-13 15:32:37

He's been there 2 months this time, Attila. 3 months in total.

And yes, abusive.

He needs to go.

Sugarice Mon 22-Apr-13 15:37:48

This is your home but listen to yourself in your OP:

grumpy and nasty to me despite trying to avoid him
I mildly called him on his attitude via email
it has been beyond awful.
DH and I have done what we can to give him a wide berth but he basically canot be civil to me. If I meet him outside he either wilfully ignores me

ends up him telling me to shut up. I am not welcome in the flat at all.

This man is awful, sod what he may say to others, he acts like he despises you, I don't know how you could possibly put up with him.

poozlepants Mon 22-Apr-13 15:40:21

I admit I am a mug for not confronting him sooner but I let him stay for the best of intentions. He asked, we had no real reason not to let him and because he is a friend and has had a hard time we thought it would be manageable. Turns out leopards don't really change their spots but there you go.
Unfortunately it's been a long time since I've been a teenager and when I was I would probably have shouted and screamed but now I don't. Perhaps that's not such a good thing. I didn't want to get into a situation where he was telling people I threw him out and he has nowhere to go and poor him and what a cow I was and then I had to go round telling them no in fact he was a nob because I just cannot be arsed with it. I want him to go and let it go.
He's not a mad lunatic he's just a moody arse who we suspected was sinking into a depression again and there was a lot of us not wanting to deal with that. I don't think that makes me a total mug. It just means my concern was misplaced.

VodkaJelly Mon 22-Apr-13 15:54:44

Are you going to ask him to leave?

poozlepants Mon 22-Apr-13 16:04:25

Yes basically DH asked him yesterday before it kicked off and he is going in 2 weeks. He has a flat organised and a date to get into it then but I think the lack of hot water will drive him out sooner.

TheSilveryPussycat Mon 22-Apr-13 16:40:15

Call me a wuss, but I would probably have done no better (until toughened up by my recent divorce). Remember, he is only a licencee, you can chuck him out right now. Get him to give you an actual date of moving out, and if he doesn't go then, chuck him out right that moment.

OhWhenWillThePlayDateEnd Mon 22-Apr-13 16:43:36

Sorry, but you never had a friend. At least now you have open eyes.

Just ask him to leave.

Crinkle77 Mon 22-Apr-13 17:05:43

He doesn't seem like a very good friend to me. You are doing a him a favour and he can't even be bothered to be civil to you. That is really unacceptable. Your husband needs to have word with him and get him to go to the doctors if he has depression but that is still no reason to be rude to you. If not then he needs to leave

expatinscotland Mon 22-Apr-13 18:14:03

When's he moving out? I'll move in, bake you the cakes, do all your washing and ironing and clean your house in exchange for rent. See the difference? Most people are, at the very least, grateful.

Oh, I have depression, too, as well as post-traumatic stress disorder and some major anxiety issues.

It doesn't give me a license to abuse people and take the piss out of them.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 22-Apr-13 18:38:53

Mm, all these mutual friends who know him as a nice person, who will think you were horrible to throw him out, er, don't they know you as a nice person too? Why would they believe one of you so much more readily than the other? If they do take his side, let them take him into their home and see what a lovely guest he can be with the right host. It would be fascinating to see how that one pans out.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Mon 22-Apr-13 19:07:24

Being a bitch has such a bad reputation.

Your freeloading pest guest is a bitch. He is using your good manners against you, perhaps for his entertainment? Who knows why? It doesn't matter. But he knows you will do anything to not be seen as a bitch.

Please be a bitch. It's ok, really, it is. It will not stain you for life. Some circumstances just cry out for it, but rarely do we see a completely Board Certified, License Validated, AAA Plus Rated endorsement to do so as you have here.

You set the time, not him and his supposed reasons.

Pipachi Mon 22-Apr-13 19:44:38

garlicyoni grin: "Cocks & Lodgers - pest removel services"

Throwing him out is basic and legitimate self defense!

Pipachi Mon 22-Apr-13 19:46:02


expatinscotland Mon 22-Apr-13 20:04:01

It has nothing to do with being a bitch and you don't have to be rude or sweary.

'This isn't working for us. You need to leave. You have xx time to pack your things and clear off.'

And to everything he says, 'This isn't working for us. You need to leave. You have xx time to pack your things and clear off.'

He gets abusive, you leave the room, pull out your mobile and call the police. 'I let a mate in to stay with us temporarily. He's refusing to leave and is threatening me.'

He doesn't clear off, you call them up on non-emergency number. 'I let mate in to stay temporarily. He's refusing to leave and is being abusive to me/threatening/becoming violent.'


Friends think you're a cow, they are just as bad as he is and I'll wager you they would never have let this guy stay at theirs gratis for 3 months.

Fuck them. Find new friends.

CarnivorousPanda Mon 22-Apr-13 20:46:00

3 months of threats and abuse from this bullying manipulative and unpleasant individual are surely enough.

I can't believe how rude he has dared to be to you, apparently safe in the knowledge that he'll get away with it and nothing will happen.

Telling you to shut up when you are doing him a massive favour like this? WTF?

I would still get him out now - not when it suits him.

NatashaBee Mon 22-Apr-13 21:09:20

I would have no issue with being pretend-nice for the next 2 weeks in order to keep the peace and make sure he didn't trash the granny flat. But I would have a big issue with my DH not supporting me/backing me up. If anyone criticises you for throwing the annoying guest out, tell them that they are welcome to have him to stay... I bet they won't offer to have him.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Mon 22-Apr-13 22:32:22

You are absolutely right expatinscotland.

Imho, from the postings, it seemed that OP was equating the final effect of putting him out with being, or rather feeling like, a bitch, whether the actual transaction was civil or not.

As it seems (to me) OP is overly concerned with what her friends think about it, and presumes that they will think "bitch" no matter how Pest Guest is treated-just based on the fact that he got kicked out.

So my encouragement was for Poozlepants to overcome the label and not let that continue to stop her from getting it done.

Planetofthedrapes Tue 23-Apr-13 09:00:14

I've got a feeling he's going to trash the place whether you are "nice" to him or not, and the "small sum of money to cover bills and expenses" will not be forthcoming.

It's not your fault he has nowhere to go! Get him out a.s.a.p. and don't forget to change to locks.

No hot water...turn off the electricity to his flatlet too!

TheChaoGoesMu Tue 23-Apr-13 09:18:46

I think you need to go on some sort of self confidence course. What makes you think other people would believe him over you? And if they did, does it really matter? Whats important is what you think of other people, not what they think about you.

This man is not a friend, he really truly isn't. In time you will recognise that and kick yourself for being such a mug. This man is free loading off of you both, and trying to divide and rule, because he knows he can get away with it. He might seem great on the outside, but internally he sounds very unpleasant.

ProfessorDent Tue 23-Apr-13 20:59:30

Ah, this reminds me of a book by Diane Athill - After a Funeral. She lets a promising Egyptian writer stay in her spare room in the late 60s. It doesn't pan out well. Required reading for any of us who have put up with neurotics. Get it out the library.

Is he wholly skint? Is there a YHA nearby? He can kip there most likely, it's not too pricey. Obviously if he feels indebted to you it puts him under a certain pressure, hey not excusing him mind, but every time he encounters you it must feel like the unpaid tax bill.

Whenever I'm on these kind of threads I imagine our advice escalating into a Hitchcock Strangers on a Train-type scenario. "Of course, I have the same problem. Now, if I could bump off your tenant..."

expatinscotland Tue 23-Apr-13 22:06:06

She's not going to tell this dicksmack to go anywhere, and the wussy husband certainly isn't.

WorrySighWorrySigh Tue 23-Apr-13 22:42:35

You made me laugh out loud ProfessorDent!

ProfessorDent Wed 24-Apr-13 12:54:10

Well, there's also that Madness song Bed and Breakfast Man, look it up on YouTube.

It's true that there are narcissistic types who are nice to strangers and acquaintances and treat their immediate circle like dirt, anyone who is a sitting duck in their life gets it, and the OP is a sitting duck currently, but usually it is their immediate family. They sort of skim the surface of various folk, projecting their ideal persona, all urbane charm, onto them, while you get the other side, onto which they offload all their banal problems and flashes of nastiness.

And I can quite see why you would put up with it so long; these types get you helping them out, you feel like a dog running after a stick, it's a fool's errand. In other words, you become an enabler. Now there's nothing wrong with helping someone out, and nothing wrong with accepting help, but it can be if you are only doing it to bolster their inflated sense of self-esteem. Often you find the moment you have helped them, they turn nasty because they don't need you any more, or they want to cut loose and feel free and liberated again. It's never an actual relationship with these types.

WorrySighWorrySigh Wed 24-Apr-13 13:51:13

I think that is very insightful ProfessorDent. We all come across these people from time to time. We see their tedious, unpleasant, grabby side while others just see the delightful person. We end up doubting ourselves.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now