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Advice needed please in how to deal with DDs Dad.

(34 Posts)
blueballoon79 Sat 20-Apr-13 07:51:21

DDs dad walked out on me when she was a 10 month old baby. He just went to work one day and didn't come home. He had also walked out of his job on the same day and never went back.

He was staying with his parents and I was ringing them every night asking what was going on and asking them to ask him to speak to me.

A week after he'd left me he came to see me and told me he didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore and that he was sick of me crying all the time and if he saw me crying one more time he'd just walk out the door.

He then didn't see or contact us for a month. After that month he said he wanted to start seeing DD and he was sorry he hadn't been in touch but needed time to sort his relax and recuperate!

I admit I did cry a lot after DD was born. I'd had an extremely traumatic birth which resulted in an emergency c-section. I was diagnosed with PND and PTS after her birth and was on a waiting list to receive counselling.

Matters weren't helped at that time by him not helping me one bit with our DD. He didn't change nappies, never got up in the night with her, never helped clean the house or helped me with my disabled son. He just sat on his PC all day on his paternity leave and left me to get on with it depsite me being exhausted and in immense pain.

DD is now 4 years old and he is currently taking her for one day a week. I asked him to start taking her for one night a week as well as I felt she was now old enough to progress to this. He complained and said it wasn't fair that he should take her one night a week and that we should do alternate weeks so every other w/e we each get a night off.

I explained to him that he gets every night off and I get none! He then said he couldn't commit to every week as what if he gets asked to go to the pub on an evening when he'll be having her. I told him he'll just have to say he can't come as he's got his daughter or he'll have to rearrange as that's what all other parents have to do.

He has now reluctantly agreed to take her one night every weekend.

I was so upset that he'd chhose the option of going out drinking rather than spending time with DD. She was so excited about sleeping over at her Dads and the thought he doesn't want her there hurts.

My friends told me he has been writing lies about me on his Facebook this week. I took a look and he'd been writing that he was in an abusive relationship and that it's taken him 3 years and he still can't trust again. I never abused him, when we first split up he told everyone I had stabbed him with a knife which is why he left, but even his close friends didn't believe him as obviously there was no wound and also because he has never taken responsibility for anything in his life and they knew he was just lying so he wouldn't look like the bad guy in leaving how he did.

I was devastated that he's still lying about me. I'm tired of him doing it and I'm so angry. When is it ever going to stop? He treated me abysmally and I ended up having a nervous breakdown after he'd gone and spending a month in a psychiatric hospital. In the hospital I was told that the lack of support I received from him would have culminated in a breakdown regardless of him leaving, but him leaving was just the straw that broke the camels back.

I text him and told him I'd appreciate it if he'd stop lying about me and that all I asked of him was to take more responsibility for his daughter and that if there was any abuse, it was from him bullying my son and leaving me with no help after our DD was born.

He came to pick DD up last night. HE snatched her overnight bag out of my hand and walked away without saying a word and had a face like thunder. His Father was waiting by the car for him, didn't say hello and ignored us too.

Sorry this has been so long and thank you for reading it. I just need some advice on how to proceed from here? I have anxiety and depression and situations like this get me increasingly upset. I couldn't sleep last night wondering if DD was ok as he was so moody when he picked her up and I'm so upset that yet again I'm being treated like I'm a piece of shit when it's him who shits on me time and time again.

I can't cope with this. I really can't.

Molly333 Sat 20-Apr-13 08:07:01

I lived like this for a long long time , I still do to a degree. I think the thing that actually helped is removing him from yr life totally and only spend time with ur real friends , his friends will find out the truth one day . A classic sign of an abuser is the victim player , which he is

blueballoon79 Sat 20-Apr-13 08:15:24

His friends have been really good to me after he left me. They told me to make sure he paid child support and that they knew he'd treated me badly and they told me he'd always been like a child who had never grown up. A lot of them distanced themselves from him after he'd left me.

I don't see or hear from his friends anymore, it's just one of my friends who for some reason still has him on her Facebook and told me what he'd been writing. She told me nobody had commented on it and she said they probably all knew he was lying and for me not to get upset about it. But I can't help myself.

I'm trying so hard so he can have a relationship with our daughter and I've put up with so much from him, yet he keeps doing things like this constantly. I feel so worn down and upset by it all.

HollyBerryBush Sat 20-Apr-13 08:19:23

Why your friend had to run tittle tattling with FB tales is beyond me, and I don't understand why you felt the need to seek validation for his claims by looking.

Also people definition of abuse will vary, what will damage one person may not damage another. Because you don't perceive yourself as an abuser, doesn't mean he didn't feel abused. He is entitled to have his perception of the relationship as you are yours.

That's a massive thing to do, walk out of your whole life including job. Did he also have a breakdown?

That said, he can only shit on you if you allow him to affect you. You are the one who manages you own emotions and feelings. You are giving him power by texting and refering to his FB.

Get access formalised then you wont have to be having conversations with him. You'll know where you stand.

grumpydwarf Sat 20-Apr-13 08:22:58

My ex is like this. He sees my ds once a month overnight and even then always seems to want to drop him early because he is going out. If I don't agree to have him back early I get told I am stopping him seeing his son??? Not sure how that works!

Agree the best way is to detach. I ignore anything my ex does that doesn't involve my ds. When he tells me about his three holidays a year and nights out etc I ignore. Very hard when he "can't" commit to seeing his son more due to work. When he starts emailing me how unreasonable I am and how I stop him seeing his son I ignore. It's very hard but ultimately u cannot force someone to be a parent.

As long as my ds is happy and doesn't miss out I ignore everything else!

blueballoon79 Sat 20-Apr-13 08:26:30

He didn't have a breakdown, no. Well not unless he has frequently been having them for the past three years.

He keeps walking out of his jobs and going back to his parents, then moving out again and going back. It's a never ending cycle which occurred even whilst we were together.

I fail to see how I am supposed to have abused him. He told me I cried too much which is why he left. I can't see how me crying is abuse.

I don't know why I looked at his page, I was so hurt that yet again he was lying about me. It's only started again since me asking him to start taking our DD overnight and he really didn't want to as he feels it's not fair on him to have to take her one night every weekend.

HollyBerryBush Sat 20-Apr-13 08:29:43

Constant crying = emotional blackmail/abuse. That's how he see's it. A normal bloke would have made sure you were getting support and also pulling his weight to try and make things right.

I do see this a fair bit with DS1s mates who have children very young. Eg a 17yo is just not equipped to deal with the hormonal changes post pregnancy, and PND in some cases. They take it all very personally and haven't got the emotional maturity to work it through until the relationship is back on an even keel.

blueballoon79 Sat 20-Apr-13 08:30:31

grumpy my ex is the same, he says he can't see her more because of work or because he's busy, then blames it on me that he can't see her as much as he'd like.

DD is also disabled and I take her to numerous hospital appointments and she had an operation last year which I told him was happening and then reminded him a few days before it and he didn't even ring to see how it had gone, yet I'm the one who makes it hard for him apparently.

blueballoon79 Sat 20-Apr-13 08:31:09

Holly He was 30 years old when he left me.

My DD1 is 4 and its only now that her dad can no longer get to me. But I didnt go through what you have been through. He was abusive and was horrid after she was born, but there was no PND or PTS, I cannot even imagine what you must have felt. sad

As for how to cope now, can you ask someone else to do handovers? The more you distance yourself from him the better. Ask your friend to take him off FB or tell her you never want to hear about it no matter what he says.

Do you have family or friends that would take DD for a night every now and again? I dont think this man sounds capable of putting DD first, so I dont think I would be comfortable with her being there overnight if it was me.

He sounds truly awful. But you need to ignore him completely.

blueballoon79 Sat 20-Apr-13 08:36:50

wannabe I'm going to ask my parents if they could do handovers. They're away right now but will be back from next week.

He thinks I only want him to take DD as I want to go out- which isn't the case. I can't go out as DS is still at home with me. I just thought that him having DD overnight is a natural progression- he only lives 10 minutes from our house!

I don't feel at all comfortable with him having DD overnight now. I couldn't sleep at all last night worrying about her. He was in such a vile mood when he took her and I'm hoping he wasn't like it with her. I just want her home. sad

blueballoon79 Sat 20-Apr-13 08:43:21

I've posted this in the wrong section! I meant to post it in Relationships. How do I get it moved?

jacks365 Sat 20-Apr-13 08:49:05

Blueballoon sometimes there is nothing you can do but accept he has problems not you. My dd's dad thinks i'm responsible for destroying his life and has said some pretty nasty comments ie hoping we'd both burn in hell. He was basically living a double life and lying left right and centre but i'm the one at fault for dropping him in it with the other woman. He can't accept that it was his lies that did it. He no longer sees his dd but that was his choice.

He refuses to take responsibility for his actions in anything, i found out later that he has an older daughter he doesn't see and always denied existed and he doesn't have the excuse of youth we are older than you and your ex.

Let all communication be solely about your dd, be pleasant but refuse to discuss anything else and remember its his problem not yours and let his nastiness wash over you and shrug it off.

blueballoon79 Sat 20-Apr-13 08:55:25

I'm really trying to ignore, but finding it so hard. He didn't even give me chance to let me tell him DDs bedtime routine when he took her. He just grabbed the bag out of my hand and walked off.

I actually feel sick that she's there. I wish I hadn't asked him to take her overnights now.

I thought things would be getting better as his parents didn't bother to see DD for a year after he left us and it's only now they're bothering to and only recently they started speaking to me again instead of giving me dirty looks from their car. Now it looks like we're back to square one simply because I asked him to take her overnight and because I told him I'm sick of him lying about me.

CSIJanner Sat 20-Apr-13 08:56:04

I hate people like this - after all, if you stabbed him etc, why on earth is he leaving your daughter with you?

Take screen shots, print them out and bandy the word "slander" around - that will teach him. The man-child needs to grow up.

blueballoon79 Sat 20-Apr-13 09:03:43

CSIJanner that's exactly how I felt! He told me I was a terrible mother too when he left me and that he didn't think I was capable of looking after either of my children. So why then did he just walk out and not see his DD for a month?

If I'm such a terrible mother and I stabbed him, surely he'd be pressing for custody.

He's also rung SS to report that he was concerned about DDs welfare, that was because I was out one day when he rung, so hadn't answered the phone to him.

SS visited, saw everything was fine and left. I don't know what he was trying to achieve. He just seems to want to cause trouble all the time.

ChasedByBees Sat 20-Apr-13 09:14:36

You ca report your thread and ask it to be moved. He sounds vile.

blueballoon79 Sat 20-Apr-13 09:26:28

Thank you, I'll try that.

YoniMeKateMumsnet (MNHQ) Sat 20-Apr-13 09:52:21

Morning everyone,

We're going to move this thread to relationships at the request of the OP.

Thank you to everyone who has offered advice.

blueballoon79 Sat 20-Apr-13 10:03:08

Thank you. smile

My ex has phoned SS twice. Both times it went no further than a phonecall.

Dont let him threaten you with them if he tries that! My ex used to mention SS as a threat to get me to do what he wanted until the day I called them on him! I had real concerns. His were nonsense and the saw straight through him.

It really is a case of believing in yourself! You are a good parent, he is the one that is incapable! Keep telling yourself that!

blueballoon79 Sat 20-Apr-13 15:53:59

wannabe I don't think he'll ever try that again as it got him nowhere!

I don't see why he can't just be amicable for DDs sake and he always has to try and cause trouble. I'm sick to death of it. There's no need for him to act this way. Our relationship ended over 3 years ago. I don't know why he can't just move on and get on with being a parent.

ChasedByBees Sat 20-Apr-13 15:56:14

Is your DD back safely now?

blueballoon79 Sat 20-Apr-13 16:07:46

No, she's not. sad

He's not bringing her back until 6pm. I text him this morning to ask how it went as it's the first time he's had her overnight and he's ignored my text. More game playing obviously.

ChasedByBees Sat 20-Apr-13 20:21:43

sad Hope she's back now.

PurpleThing Sat 20-Apr-13 20:37:17

Op, you are expecting your ex to behave like a reasonable person - want his dd overnight, keep things amicable, not lie. But he's not a reasonable person, his behaviour towards you when your dd was born showed you that. From now on EXPECT him to behave like a prick and you might get the odd pleasant surprise when he behaves like a human being.

My ex is like this, I can only imagine the crap he has told his gf and family about me. I have as little contact as possible with him and stick to things that relate to ds - agree tell friend you are not interested and don't retaliate if he does it again.

When my ex puts himself first yet again, I'm not surprised. If you keep thinking about him and how he is behaving, you are allowing him to still ruin your life. It is not easy but think about him as little as possible.

Hope your dd is back now.

flippinada Sat 20-Apr-13 20:41:06

What a horrible man. Don't engage with him (FB is the devils work for stuff like this).

Besides, who cares about his opinion?

Stick to essential communication about your DD and nothing else.

gettingeasiernow Sat 20-Apr-13 22:26:11

He sounds dreadful and a lot like my ex. I'm afraid I never found a way to deal with him (he can't make arrangements, be anywhere at an appointed time, etc.) so I just cut him out completely in the end, after six long years but I wish I'd done it far sooner. This at least leaves you open to find a healthy relationship which can be a role model for your child. Having him around may actually stop you doing that if it brings you down enough which it could well.

cestlavielife Sat 20-Apr-13 22:44:07

It doesn't matter what he th is.
My ex believes I a, abisive to hm to the dc etc etc. his opinion so what's?
You can't get in his head don't try to.

But do talk to your own therapist or consellor and devise strategies when you find yourself thinking about him and what is he thinking or saying...eg mentally put him in a box outside your home.

So his dad was by car and ignored you ? So what. Hand over dd quickly calmly. Don't make conversation.

Ask for support from ss children with disabilities team . Eg overnight respite if you need more respite than you gettingf from your ex .

blueballoon79 Sun 21-Apr-13 15:30:27

It got worse sad

He brought her back yesterday and my Mum was there to collect her from him as I didn't want to see him.

He threw her overnight bag on the floor then stormed off to the car.
She asked him what his problem was and that he wasn't being very friendly and he started to shout at her, right outside my house and infront of DD about it wasn't fair that he had to take her overnight and that he needs a night off every week.

My Mum tried reasoning with him but he proceeded to shout and wave his arms round and even stamping his feet, then got in the car and slammed the door and then they drove off.

He then text me to say he wouldn't be taking her on Friday night and would be doing alternate weeks, so I text him back and told him not to bother with nights at all if it's causing so much resentment and aggression from him and that I'd only said he should be doing nights as I thought it would be nice for DD and that we'll just go back to him seeing her for a few hours on a saturday.

He text back, "Good, I'll pick her up on Saturday as normal".

What a prick. Hes so immature. And self centered.

You are right to stop the nights. Its sad for DD but she will realise in her own time what an arse he is. Atleast she has you.

Anniegetyourgun Sun 21-Apr-13 17:01:28

He needs a night off every week? A night off what? Who on earth does he think he's impressing with such talk? Still, throwing a tantrum got him what he wanted again i.e. reduced responsibility.

Wonder where he'll run to when his enabling parents drop off the perch.

I would consider formalising all contact via a contact centre as of now.

He is using his DD to further punish you.

blueballoon79 Sun 21-Apr-13 17:17:27

I'm totally clueless as to what to do now. I have to find a way of telling DD he's not taking her for the night anymore and also I'm scared of him coming round on Saturday to pick her up incase I get a repeat performance of yesterday from him.

My neighbours heard, my daughter was upset and having him yell at my Mother was dreadful.

I'm so upset and fed up with all this. I don't feel I can deal with it.

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