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Am I within my rights to be furious?

(109 Posts)
Autumn12 Sat 20-Apr-13 01:50:51

DH has gone out with friends tonight. I've not heard from him which is unusual as he would usually text to see how I am. I did text him about 10pm but got no response.

I text him again about 20 minutes after the last train got in and he still wasn't home. He knows that I can't sleep until he gets home after a night out for various reasons. I have literally just had a text to say he is staying over at a friends house.

I am fucking furious. Am I being unreasonable? I personally don't think this is on for a married man anyway but I am 6 months pregnant and have been under an incredible amount of stress this past 2 weeks due to family issues. I am now feeling too stressed and annoyed to sleep after already having been really ill this evening.

Oh he has just text again to say he has had a really bad week as though that makes it ok!

I think furious is a bit OTT, but yanbu to be annoyed at the lack of communication. I can only guess you're both stressed and dealing with it in different ways.

Try distracting yourself with a film or something until you've wound down enough to sleep, and tomorrow maybe talk about how he can support you (and you him).

Doinmummy Sat 20-Apr-13 02:06:22

What is his reason for not coming home? Was it easier for him to stay at the friends rather than get the train home. I'd be furious too.

Autumn12 Sat 20-Apr-13 02:14:18

I haven't had a reason. I don't think staying out all night is acceptable and he bloody well knows this. I've no idea why he thinks he has had a bad week. He has only worked 3 days and he is certainly not stressed about my family situation.

I know that he will roll home when he feels like it tomorrow and then spend all day on the sofa with a hangover. Meaning all of the jobs he has to get done will be left til Sunday resulting in none of our plans to spend time together will happen.

Doinmummy Sat 20-Apr-13 02:18:20

How has his behaviour been in general recently? Has he been normal? Not on his phone more often? I'm sure you know where. I'm going with this. I'm sorry you're so upset. I would be too.

ratbagcatbag Sat 20-Apr-13 02:21:35

Is it normal behaviour that he would go out and then stay at a mates, I just asked because if its something he's never done thn t would be very odd and I would be furious in your position too, however if he's got form for being inconsiderate doing this then at least it shouldn't be ringing alarm bells.

Autumn12 Sat 20-Apr-13 02:22:49

No this is not an affair. This is him being a twat and thinking that because his single mate can stay out a night drinking and taking drugs that he can too. I don't know that DH is taking drugs but its possible.

essexmumma Sat 20-Apr-13 02:24:49

Oh Autumn I can understand why you are cross but try and stay calm as you are pregnant.

I wouldn't be happy with my husband being out all night without prior warning either. My DH did something similar whilst I was pregnant although did spend the night trying to get home in fairness. I found the best way to be is indifferent - if you shout and get angry it won't be good for you and the baby.

Get some rest and it will seem a little better in the morning.

Autumn12 Sat 20-Apr-13 02:25:53

He has form for drinking too much and not coming back when he says. But this has got better since we moved out of central London and more so since I've been pregnant.
He did stay over at this friends once before a couple of years ago. On that occasion he didn't bother letting me know and I only found out where he was at 8am the next day when I text his friends. He didn't bother coming home until 3pm.

essexmumma Sat 20-Apr-13 02:26:56

Just seen your latest post - well if drugs are involved I would be bloody glad he didn't come near me in any kind of state. He needs to grow up and fast!!


Autumn12 Sat 20-Apr-13 02:29:12

The thing is that he knows I wouldn't be ok with him staying out.
He also knows that I've been stressed to the max by having to support my mum through her husbands affair and marriage breakdown. So the fact that he has chosen tonight to do this and cause me even more stress is just fucking unbelievable.

Ouchmyhead Sat 20-Apr-13 02:30:49

Maybe he just missed the last train home and it's cheaper to stay at his friends? I don't think it's such a big deal, annoying that he didn't tell you sooner and has been a bit lax with communicating, but not the end of the world! He's a grown man, he should be able to have nights out and stay out if he wants! If understand if you were due to give birth any day, but you're not. Maybe just ask him to be a bit more considerate in the future and let you know what's going on a bit sooner.

Autumn12 Sat 20-Apr-13 02:31:26

I don't know for sure but this particular friend is still single, goes out all the time and is known for taking a lot of drugs. So what else am I supposed to think?

Doinmummy Sat 20-Apr-13 02:32:43

I'd be a tiny bit reassured that he has done this before and there's no other awful scenario ( affair) . But YANBU to be livid given the circumstances. Try and get some sleep and confront him tomorrow.

YouDontWinFriendsWithSalad Sat 20-Apr-13 02:55:05

I think you're being a bit OTT.

Autumn12 Sat 20-Apr-13 03:28:34


Justgotosleep11 Sat 20-Apr-13 03:52:56

Hope you've managed to get to sleep by now, but just in case you've not thought I'd comment as my pissed DH has just stumbled in and woken me and now I'm not able to sleep!!! Arrggghhhhhhh you're not the only one with a selfish prick of a man in your life ha!!! We have a 22m DS but I remember when I was preggers just how isolated I could feel when he was (what seemed like constantly) out with friends! Particularly as your stating at home being healthy trying to grow a person!! Try to relax as things always seem a bit better in the morning, but defo have the chat about your needs in the relationship, and if he's feeling stressed that should be addressed too! Communication is the only thing that will keep you both strong when the little one arrives so start now! Hope you get some sleep....I'm likely going to be awake for hrs grrrrrr

Autumn12 Sat 20-Apr-13 04:25:04

No I'm still awake so tomorrow I am going to feel terrible as I've never been able to sleep late even before being pregnant.

Autumn12 Sat 20-Apr-13 04:28:06

I have no idea what he thinks he is stressed about so I can't help but think he is making up excuses to be a prick and act like he is still one of the single lads.
I'm pretty certain now that drugs are invved as he has sent a few more texts. If he was just drinking he would usually not be able to make sense but these texts are perfect. He has been telling me how skint he is all week so glad to know he has his priorities right.

LookingForwardToMarch Sat 20-Apr-13 04:39:01

Yeah my twat of an exh used to do this.

Although it did turn out he never bothered to text until after he and his mate had turfed theirboozy drugged up one night stands out.

Yanbu, luckily dp would never dream of staying out all night, but if he did the locks would be changed in the morning.

Can you tell I have issues with this? Ha

Justgotosleep11 Sat 20-Apr-13 04:40:33

Sounds familiar but without the drugs! That part is worrying with baby on the way! Definitely need to talk that through! But as mentioned before probably best for him not to be at home if he has been! Often during pregnancy women seen to ease into the new responsibility of becoming a mum as the pregnancy develops, sadly men see pregnancy as their final blow at their "fun past life"! It took our baby arriving for my DH to grow up at all! And even then he's still out all the time ...see my new thread fed up and unloved.....

Can't really help you but c's sympathise, you're not alone! Tell him he's a prick and if it happens again he can go bloody live with his mate if he likes it there so much!!!

Have you tried some gentle relaxation techniques to get to sleep? Also put the iPad/phone or whatever you're using down as blue light inhibits sleep!!!

Autumn12 Sat 20-Apr-13 04:52:20

I'm way too wide awake now for sleep so I may well just get up.

OrbisNonSufficit Sat 20-Apr-13 05:10:26

Is it your first baby? He might be petrified of the impending responsibility. Not that it excuses his behaviour (I always need to know where my DH is if he's not home when i was expecting him otherwise I fret), but he may be working though some stuff in his head - if you come over all grumpy parent style scolding when he gets home it might drive him more into that childish mentality.

Not excusing him, just trying to understand if there's a reason.

Autumn12 Sat 20-Apr-13 05:12:20

Yes it is but he is not scared about it. He's just a prick I'm afraid.

MusicalEndorphins Sat 20-Apr-13 05:22:27

I don't think the world will end because he stayed over at a friends place. I know my dh wouldn't freak out if I wanted to stay at a friends. I would try and get some rest, fatigue isn't good for pregnant women or for people with anxiety. You can talk it out with him after you both are rested. Breath.

Chottie Sat 20-Apr-13 05:24:05

If you are still there, please make sure you are lying down with your feet up, so even if you are not sleeping you are getting some rest. Sorry - it's the mum in me coming out!

wongadotmom Sat 20-Apr-13 05:29:57

YANBU you are not over reacting at all. He should be supporting you and putting you first not adding to the stress you are going through with your family. I would tell him to get the train home right now or don't come back at all. And he should not be on a night out if he is so skint. Are you stuck at home with DC?

TenBitSailor Sat 20-Apr-13 05:30:13


I think you are not unreasonable to be annoyed that he hasn't let you know where he is, but you would be unreasonable if you were to not allow him nights out if he wants them, especially given you will very soon find this impossible with a baby.

If you know he's OK and are just cross, you just need to get over it for now and go to sleep, there's no point being a martyr.

If you think he's a prick, why are you with him?

CheerfulYank Sat 20-Apr-13 05:32:11

I don't mind if DH bunks at his brother's or a friend's after a bender (because it's very rare) but if I can't get ahold of him I go total fucking nuclear.

We all have our limits.

Autumn12 Sat 20-Apr-13 05:46:37

He is allowed to have nights out but staying out all night is not on and I've made that very clear in the past. Due to past bad behaviour by him when drinking I can't relax until he is home and he knows this full well. Too many nights wondering where he is and if he is in a ditch somewhere. II thought he had finally grown up.

We are also skint right now and can't afford for him to have gone out drinking all night. I didn't say anything though. He can't really handle alcohol and it renders him insensible. The fact that he has been sending me texts up until about ten mins ago that make perfect sense leads me to conclude he has been taking drugs tonight. That makes him a prick in my book at the best of times let alone when he has a 6 months pregnant wife at home.

For what it's worth I'd be pretty angry

You're pregnant, you're in a LT relationship together & it's a tad bachelor-ish, and he knows how you feel about it.

I know plenty of people don't care about things like this but you do & he knows it. That's where the real issue is in all this, isn't it?

(And like you've said, he's not under the thumb! You don't mind him going out...just not taking the piss & being so irresponsible about it)

BasilBabyEater Sat 20-Apr-13 08:10:39

Yes you're within your rights.

It's about boundaries and habits isn't it.

Some people might have no problem with this and if that's OK with them, that's fine.

But you as a couple have clearly been caused huge issues by this sort of behaviour in the past and so that's why it's an issue for you.

It sounds to me like you have a nagging doubt that you can't rely on him to be an equal responsible adult with you and he's just made that doubt stronger by crossing this line.

I'm so sorry. sad

Try and get some rest and do something relaxing and enjoyable. Easier said than done, I know.

P.S If I were you I wouldn't be there when he got back (partly because I'd end up exploding at him the second he came through the door). Just go and do something nice. You've been under lots of stress lately so just go and potter about town, have a coffee somewhere, watch a film, go to a friend's/family members for a catch up. Anything that will take your mind off it, get you out the house & maybe help you release a bit of stress yourself.

You can deal with the git him later! smile

Helltotheno Sat 20-Apr-13 08:22:12

Well what are you going to do about it op? There's no point in ranting and raving, that'll do nobody any good, least of all you. Kick him out and tell him to take a month to think about what he wants. . No contact during that time. That should focus his mind either way. Tell him you won't put up with it when the baby is here so he'd better step up or step away.

He'll keep doing this, in fact you going on rants about it will make the behaviour worse. Start as you mean to go on, otherwise you're just looking at a life of drudge living with a manchild.

redskynight Sat 20-Apr-13 08:22:50

If this is a one off or unusual you are a bit unreasonable, however from what you said He has form for drinking too much and not coming back when he says you need to think very carefully about your boundaries and tell him what you are willing to put up with and what will happen if the behaviour continues, and go through with it.

You say he is spending money you don't have, that is just unacceptable.

You need to consider what you will do if this continues when you have your child. It is immensely stressful to be sitting at home with a baby while your partner continues to spend money and party like it is 1999. If you can't reply on him to be an adult, think very carefully about giving up your job if that is something you have thought of.

Longdistance Sat 20-Apr-13 08:30:32

I agree, pack a bag, its not on the way he's behaving.
How would he feel if you went out on a bender, and decided to kip at your friends house (pre pg of course), I doubt he'd be too happy about it.
When he turns up, don't start arguing with him, put his packed bag in his hand, and show him the door!

He does need to understand that it's not something he can keep doing, just expecting a bit of a telling off from you then it'll blow over or it will keep happening. Sorry.

That's why I thought you should leave him to it today & actively try to show him just how unacceptable you find this, otherwise he probably won't take it very seriously hmm

(and the fact he's done this whilst you're vulnerable yourself, being pregnant & needing his support, is quite bad & would make me rethink everything. You need that like a hole in the head right now)

Autumn12 Sat 20-Apr-13 08:59:22

Thanks for all of the replies. I managed to get 2 hours sleep before being woken up by my cats walking over me. I feel awful today headachey, sick and shaky. I think driving is out or else I would head to my mothers.

I may head into town later but will see how I feel. I've no idea what time he will bother to come home and frankly I don't know if I want to feel forced out if my own home to avoid him.

Whoever said he has behaved like a bachelor is totally right. He has a married friend who has a baby and still does whatever he likes. That guys wife is fine with it but I am not. He knows this too. I also wonder if he would've told me his plans if I hadn't been texting to see where he was. If he had told me of his own accord that he wasn't coming home maybe I wouldn't have been so annoyed.

CuChullain Sat 20-Apr-13 09:00:57

"The fact that he has been sending me texts up until about ten mins ago that make perfect sense leads me to conclude he has been taking drugs tonight."

Yep, bomb proof evidence!

Can your mum come to you? Or a friend?

He knows this is an issue for you & it's going to keep being an issue for you unless he sorts it or you leave or change what you want (which is nearly impossible & shouldn't have to happen anyway). So you have two options really.

And he needs to realize that it really is that serious

Autumn12 Sat 20-Apr-13 09:04:46

I'm not sure whether you are being sarcastic or not. When my DH drinks he becomes incomprehensible. Any texts he sends are garbled and usually make no sense. This is not the case if he takes cocaine. I know this from our dating days when he used to be a regular user.

So yes the fact that he was sending texts between 3 and 5 am that we're understandable is a big red flag to me.

Autumn12 Sat 20-Apr-13 09:11:04

No we don't live anywhere near anyone we know anymore since we moved. My mum wouldn't come even if she could as she has her own stuff going on . My best friend is abroad, another is going through her own nightmare and the other is busy. I don't have any other friends I could call on that live in the UK.

He may not even come home until this afternoon anyway. I've told him not to bother coming home at all so he may use that as an excuse to stay at his mates all day. It suits me right now as I really can't be arsed with him. I don't want to hear how he "needed" a night with his friends as he is soooo stressed out. I have no idea what he possibly has to be stressed out about. It's just a pathetic excuse. I have been majorly stressed out, what would he do if I decided to stay out all night and get fucked up?

He needs to understand that this isn't acceptable to you & that he's risking a lot right now.

Surely getting out of the house would make a difference? Even if it's to get 5 mins fresh air, a few endorphins going & to clear your head?

It sounds like he doesn't realize how serious this is btw OP?

If I were you I'd explain to him later that it is serious enough to make you reconsider staying in this situation. Then you can make a judgement call based on his reaction/actions in the next few days.

It may be worth calling time & taking a break. You've got so much else going on & don't really need this on top. Maybe just stay somewhere else for a bit. No contact with him etc?

lemonstartree Sat 20-Apr-13 09:19:06

you know marriage is give and take and compromise. Getting exceptionally worked up and shouting isn't helping is it ?

Do you want to be married to this man? you don't sound like you like him very much ... if you do, but only if he stops X or Y then tell him that. Calmly. and mean it. If you just want to shout at him, he will shut down and carry on, because despite all your shouting you don't intend to DO anything about it.

Thingiebob Sat 20-Apr-13 09:20:20

So the OP went out then texted his wife to say he was staying at a friends house and some of you are suggesting she packs his bags for him...?!

If she was at home with a newborn/kids then I understand why she would be angry if this wasn't a prior arrangement but now, in the last few months before the baby arrives? Or am I missing stuff.

^ Agree with being calm. As angry as you feel, people don't take it in when they're in a 'defensive' mode & are much more likely to take you seriously if you're very calm about it. As hard as it may be!

Autumn12 Sat 20-Apr-13 09:21:32

How have I shouted at him? I haven't even seen him since yesterday morning.

She's not happy with it, has told him, he's used drugs in the past & has 'form' for doing this but has toned down. Think OP probably thought that was it as she's now pregnant etc.

But he probably hasn't realized it's such a big thing to her if she's not expressed how important this is to her & the relationship.

Autumn12 Sat 20-Apr-13 09:24:24

Thingiebob he only text me a good half hour or more after he would have been home on the last train. And I had text him and tried to call so god knows if he would have let me know otherwise. We are broke until payday and couldn't really afford for him to go out let alone on a bender.

Those are the main reasons for me that I was furious.

(and tbh, leaving for a little while is a very effective way of driving home how important an issue is for you. And gives you time to rethink without the person being there. So it's not a massive overreaction IMO)

Thingiebob Sat 20-Apr-13 09:28:40

So there seems to be a lot more going on than the fact he slept at a friends house.

NotMostPeople Sat 20-Apr-13 09:40:06

You are overreacting IMO. My DH has done this every now and then over the years, if it helps its very rare now in fact I can't remember the last time. I think that even the most supportive, laid back happy father to be has his moments of fear and anxiety about what's about to happen. I bet you've had yours too. Going out in a big night out, not letting you know he's staying at a mates and getting off his head is all annoying, yes but that's it. I get he's going to be fairly useless when he does turn up today, I get you've had a bad time recently but he is a person too and I really don't understand why he is not 'allowed' to stay out overnight just because he's married. You either trust him or you don't.

lemonstartree Sat 20-Apr-13 09:41:48

you're not listening. You cannot MAKE someone behave as you want. All you can do is make it clear that this is not acceptable for you. And that, XXX is your line and if he crosses it the relationship will be over, Then it depends on how he feels about you .. if he respects you enough to not cross the line....

Autumn12 Sat 20-Apr-13 09:42:50

I want to point out that I don't believe this is anything to do with the impending arrival of our baby. He used to behave like this all of the time .

Agree with lemonstarttree

NotMostPeople Sat 20-Apr-13 09:48:59

Even if its not do you think it's reasonable to in force a rule on another person that are not allowed to spontaneously go out with friends for the night and stay over? It wouldn't be acceptable to me. Who wants to be in a relationship were you are told what you can and can't do? He just went out for the night.

Autumn12 Sat 20-Apr-13 09:52:42

How am I not listening?
I have nowhere to go and no money to go anywhere with. I could go into town for a few hours but as I have no idea if or when he will come back the chances are I could go out for hours and he wouldn't even be here to know I'd gone out.

He knows full well that I'd be angry at him staying out due to too many past incidences to recount here.

If he knows full well & has done it anyway, isn't that pretty bad?

Could you not stay with your mum temporarily?

lemonstartree Sat 20-Apr-13 09:55:30

I agree with you notmostpeople - but if it is a big problem for the OP she needs to make that clear to her husband . Then they can negotiate or whatever. Its pointless seeking support for being 'furious' - or being angry with him - it will just chip away at the fabric of the marriage.

Helltotheno Sat 20-Apr-13 10:03:04

*How am I not listening?8

You're not listening because all you want to do is sound off, not really do anything about the situation. If you're expecting this guy to change when you have kids, you need to burst that bubble of delusion quick smart. You'll have the babies, he'll keep going out on the piss and be incapable of functioning for full weekends or whatever, leaving you with all the shit.
You talk about having two friends OP. Well that's not enough. You need to start building a life for yourself right now, with multiple supports in it, because this guy is showing you, by his behaviour, that he isn't necessarily going to be your support.

What did you hope to achieve by posting this? People are telling youto vote with your feet if you find this unacceptable, ie kick him out, but you don't seem to be prepared to do that.

Certainly don't do it, but don't expect this situation to get better; in fact, expect it to get worse once the baby comes along. Just think how 'stressed' he'll be then hmm

sweetestcup Sat 20-Apr-13 10:05:35

I want to point out that I don't believe this is anything to do with the impending arrival of our baby. He used to behave like this all of the time

and He knows full well that I'd be angry at him staying out due to too many past incidences to recount here

So you are with a man with a history of upsetting behaviour and knows what your reaction is likely to be - why are you with him? And why decide to bring a baby into this? Serious questions, did you think you could "change" him?

Autumn12 Sat 20-Apr-13 10:07:20

Yes it is pretty bad and yes it has been made clear to him in the past.

It not possible for me to stay with my mum. I have another thread on here that explains it. Basically her husband has decided their marriage is over but won't move out. So in her small 2 bed house is her and my brother with the husband sleeping in the Lounge. I have been her emotional crutch for the past 2 weeks hence me saying earlier in the thread that I am majorly stressed. I would love to have somewhere to retreat for the rest of the weekend but I don't.

I get that some of you wouldn't have a problem with your DHs staying out all night. That's great I would like to be in that position. But due to too many past incidences of DH drinking and going AWOL I'm just not comfortable with it. I am totally anti drugs too which he knows about. I really did think that that part of our life was in the past. Last night has got me worried that maybe its not and what if its all going to start up again?

And also you know what I'm 6 months pregnant, having to deal with huge family stuff and would actually like some support from my husband.

lemonstartree Sat 20-Apr-13 10:09:18

Just think about it for a minute OP. If everyone on here says 'Yes your DH is a useless, thoughtless, selfish twunt' You feel righteous. He comes hone and you yell at him. He already knows you will have found thus behavior unacceptable and I can assure you he doesn't care what a bunch of internet strangers thinks. So what have you achieved ? a row, unhappiness, feeling of indignant, self righteous 'rightness' for you and anger and frustration for him.

OR you could think about this another way. He has done this despite knowing that you will be upset. Why i that? is it because he doesn't care that you will be upset ? he doesn't think your reasons for being upset are reasonable? he wants to do this more than he cares that you are upset? he doesn't know HOW important this is for you ? Why don't you find out which of these it is? You might discover if this is actually important enough for you to end you marriage over ? or not. And if not (and I really hope it IS NOT) you need to negotiate some acceptable boundaries for BOTH of you... FWIW I think ' i cant sleep till he comes in' is unpleasantly manipulative and bordering on emotional blackmail. But you will think otherwise.

Actually I think you have some big problems that are going to get much worse when this baby arrives so I suggest (seriously) you invest in some couples counseling. Its a lot cheaper than divorce.

Autumn12 Sat 20-Apr-13 10:09:47

I've not once said I won't be telling him to leave. I've said that I won't be going.

I've also not said I only have 2 friends. I've explained that my friends are away, abroad or dealing with enough crap of their own right now.

Helltotheno Sat 20-Apr-13 10:10:12

If he's not going to show you support of his own free will now OP, it certainly isn't going to start happening from here on in. You trying to make him is not going to succeed, you are on a hiding to absolutely nothing.

So what are you going to do about it? You're being told here what your future is....

Autumn12 Sat 20-Apr-13 10:13:15

The not sleeping thing is not me trying to manipulate him. It stems from a night when he ended up in hospital after drinking. I couldn't get hold of him and had no idea where he was. There's more that I'm not going into here but since that night I have been anxious if he is out late and I do not hear from him that he is ok.

MissLurkalot Sat 20-Apr-13 10:21:07

Op, I think you've been treated rather harshly by some.... But there is some really good, solid advice too with it.

It does sound that there is a pattern here. It also sounds that you have a huge amount on your plate too... And you are not getting support from your loved ones, what with various things on their plates too.

Can you you ask OH about his week and why it's been so bad? Can you listen to him.. Hear his reasons.. Then, can you explain that you're feeling isolated and emotional, and that you need him right now?

lemonstartree Sat 20-Apr-13 10:21:12

yes, there will always be 'reasons' but look at it from his point of view - he can NEVER be out late because YOU are anxious... is that fair?

Helltotheno Sat 20-Apr-13 10:29:29

he ended up in hospital after drinking

Right. Ok OP you've chosen to be with someone who does the above, and you've chosen to take all the stress on yourself of managing someone with a drink problem. That's up to you; don't ever say it wasn't your own decision.

I'll say one thing though, you can and you will manage this baby alone. Being lonely and unsupported through a pregnancy is a difficult place to be, but the moment that child is born, you will know instinctively that you are fully capable of giving him everything he needs on your own.
You're at a crossroads now. You're with a person who is not putting you first; tbh I wouldn't even say second or third either. It's important that you have a good long think about how you want your life to be.

Autumn12 Sat 20-Apr-13 10:31:46

Taken in isolation it's not reasonable. But it isn't that he cannot be out late. It's fine when its expected and I'm told about it. Had he replied to my first text at 10pm and said that he was thinking of staying over it wouldn't have become such a drama. Instead he left it until well after the latest time I would have expected him back and I don't know if he would have let me know at all if I'd not been trying to get hold of him.

There's also the fact that what is normal and ok for most people is not necessarily ok for everyone. I've been burnt by him where alcohol and going out is concerned so the boundaries I/we have in place maybe are different to others.

I can't say at this precise moment what I am going to say or do. I don't think it's possible to know myself until I find out his plans and how he is going to be. Clearly if he stays out all weekend and isn't at all sorry I'm going to react differently to if he comes home full of remorse and prepared to discuss it.

I do appreciate everyone taking the time to respond and I am taking it all onboard.

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 20-Apr-13 10:33:22

I agree with Hell.

He sounds like a selfish entitled manchild and that the reason why you are angry is because last night is part of a pattern of immature selfish behaviour.

Sadly, nothing will change unless there are real consequences. Ranting is not a real consequence - he will just hide away, put up with a lecture and then once things have been swept under the carpet, he plays up again.

Living like this is a real drain and with a baby on the way it will just get worse.

The only real consequence is for you to take action and tell him you want a real grown up man with balls and to ask him to leave to give you space.

Viviennemary Sat 20-Apr-13 10:37:16

You are right to be annoyed with him. He should have let you know earlier what his plans were as he knows you are anxious. But no point in making a huge issue. Tell him you are really upset because of his thoughtlessness and leave it at that.

sweetestcup Sat 20-Apr-13 10:38:23

You havent answered why you are with someone with a history of upsetting you autumn?

Well I hope he does at least pretend to be remorseful OP.

I appreciate this is a tough one & you're pregnant with him so have quite a big investment in this relationship.

Maybe try and catch some more sleep? You've had quite the night and will need the extra strength by the sounds of it. (Easier said than done, I know).

Hissy Sat 20-Apr-13 13:25:53

I read this thread quickly this morning and confess to much eyerolling, many utterances of 'oh FFS!' and 'how would you like it if there was all this Text-Mothering everytime YOU went out.

I think I did this cos I WAS in a controlling relationship and now eschew ALL forms of interference in my life by others.

With time, classes, shopping and chores out of the way for now, I have to admit to changing my mind.

I think there are many facets to your situation Autumn and all of them lumped together are compounding into an overwhelming mountain of 'stuff'

So let's pull it all to pieces and deal with what you CAN influence.

Your mother and her situation? Leave it to her to sort out. You have enough on your plate, and likewise so does she, so can't be support to you. Fair enough.

The fact that you are with someone who HAS form for shenanigans and mishaps/trouble, knows his boundaries with you and STILL does it.

I think you are right to see what his demeanour is when he does get back, but I think that you are well within your rights to decide if you want space from him and his apparent disregard for you.

People here are right. He's not going to change. he would have done so by now, and if he gets stressed now, when there is a little screaming baby in the picture, he's going to get stressed again and he will justify his benders to himself again then.

I think you do need to try to find some way of losing the panic, to try to calm yourself down and start to think clearly.

At the moment you are angry, and that is never conducive to meaningful/successful forward planning.

So, long term, we none of us have the answers, let's see what evolves.

Short term? Understand that there is nothing you can do to make him change, when he has no desire/need to.

This is not a reflection on you, it doesn't mean a single thing about you, it is ALL about HIS inadequacy.

Look past him and see how you want to feel in the future? Do you want to go through another night like last night again? If not, then accept that you need to be prepared to throw the relationship down as the price to pay to live with respect, in peace and calmly with your child.

You need to work out how you are going to sustain yourself in the future, and you need to focus fully on making sure that you CAN make ends meet on your own.

Once you know you can achieve this, you won't feel so trapped and panicked.

At the end of the day, no person is worth this angst. YOU and your child are worth a ton more, and you need to make it really clear to ALL around you that YOU come first and that you WON'T tolerate this level of crap. From anyone.

Keep posting love, we'll hold your hand.

4some Sat 20-Apr-13 13:50:48

I really feel for you OP and think some of the responses you are getting are a little harsh.

Agree with most of what was said by Mad and hissy.

I would be amazed if this man will ever change to the extent that you need and deserve, with the track record you have described.

I would start thinking seriously about how you will feel if he does not change. As others said it is likely to get worse after the baby arrives. It is not so bad being on your own, especially if you are at the same time freed of the emotional upheaval that comes from being married to a man like this.

I think you know what you need to do, it is just a big thing getting your head around it.

He sounds really unreliable and does not have the respect for you that you need and deserve. Start looking at your options for a life without being married to him.

Pomegranatenoir Sat 20-Apr-13 14:35:13

Autumn I could have written the very same post as you 4 and a half years ago. Now my story is different. My exh always did what he wanted to do and left me to face the consequences. He did the boozing, drugs, disappearing and general unsupportive thing when I was preggers first time round but he also threw in a bit of cheating for good measure. Fast forward 2 relatively happy years together with ds and we planned another baby. I got pregnant, suffered with hyperemesis and he started a full blown affair. He left for her, came back then walked out again when dd was 5 weeks old. I am now going through a massively stressful and nasty divorce. He is a man child. No sense of responsibility, right or wrong or any morals. I fear that your dh is cut from the same cloth. The lack of aupport when you are having a tough time coupled with him deliberately making things worse for you by going out, taking drugs and then staying out rings massive alarm bells.

If you need to please rememeber that you can do this on your own. It won't be easy but neither is staying in a relationship where you are unsupported and unhappy. Good luck!

Pomegranatenoir Sat 20-Apr-13 15:02:00

hissy just have to say the advice you just have was amazing. I could have done with you during the dark days!!

Jaynebxl Sun 21-Apr-13 04:08:38

Wow I'd be really upset if I was the OP, and certainly wouldn't be as understanding as some are on here. I wouldn't mind my DH going out for the evening and coming back really late, or even staying over at a mate's, just so long as he told me. I think it is really disrespectful not to let your partner know, especially if there is history of ending up in hospital on a night like this.

Really hope he came home and apologised.

I'm another one to say you are over reacting. You are not his keeper and its not unreasonable to want to go out and let off steam once in a while.

Yes you have had a rough time with your mum and supporting her but its a bit self centred to want him to what? Stay in with you holding your hand every night? Not go out again? Have a social life?

DH always asks if its alright if he goes out somewhere but I would never dream of saying no or attaching conditions. As long as I know he is safe he is welcome to do what he wants and I don't sit here stressing about what he is doing or I would drive myself doolally!
Give the guy a break, FFS unless you are a trained mental health professional it is hard to judge how much stress someone is under. Maybe he is stressed but is holding it in because what you are going through at the moment?

Jaynebxl Sun 21-Apr-13 08:03:16

I don't think the issue is whether the man went out, or whether he stayed out all night even. It is in his lack of respect for his partner who had no idea if he was ok, who he didn't let know that he was staying out until she was so worried she contacted him, then leaving her with no idea of when he would be back. That kind of behaviour only works for a single man.

Rosehassometoes Sun 21-Apr-13 09:04:23

My experience
Ex husband
Would go out drink, not text. End up in hospital (several times), end up at police station, crash our car drink driving....
Never changed
Never listened
I became increasingly anxious and could not relax/sleep when he was out (understandably).
Other people said they didn't mind when their DHs went out/didn't clock watch etc. That is because their husbands were fundamentally different!!!
I tested his ability to change, left for a few weekends, laid the cards on the table. He wasn't capable of changing.....divorce.....immense relief, huge, enormous weight lifted.

Husband 2
Initially felt very anxious when he went out.
He understood why and maintained communication eg texting when coming home/if late/sometimes when out (Espfor reassurance initially).
Over the last 4 years the need for him to do this has reduced dramatically and I am now like all the women who say they don't mind at all what their DH does as I trust him completely.

This will cause some groans but have you googled psychopathic personality- it either will or won't chime got you...if it does I'd BEGIzn to consider going your own way.
Good luck

Autumn12 Sun 21-Apr-13 12:44:22

Yes I definitely feel some people haven't read the thread and are just jumping on me as though I'm just not letting him go out.

It's not about that and I would love it if I had a normal husband who I could trust to go out and come back without having to worry, but I don't.

As an update he came back about midday yesterday and stayed in another room from me all day and evening. I've only just spoken to him and he doesn't think he has done anything wrong. Says he did text me but sent it to his mate instead which is just not good enough even if its true. Says he needs time to himself which is making me wonder if he hasn't engineered this situation to get out if his responsibilities this weekend.

I've told him to cancel his mothers visit next weekend as I'm not prepared to play happy families for her benefit and to just let him off the hook to keep the peace.

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 21-Apr-13 13:08:31

cancelling his mother's visit is not a real consequence.

Autumn12 Sun 21-Apr-13 13:20:19

It's not supposed to be a consequence. I just don't want her here as I will then be forced to either pretend that we are ok and he will think he has got away with it, or else I will be made to look like I'm being difficult and sulky by not joining them in all of their outings.

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 21-Apr-13 13:34:58

I totally understand your reasons for not wanting MIL to visit.

What will you do now that he is refusing to see he has done anything wrong?

AnyFucker Sun 21-Apr-13 13:35:42

What consequences are there going to be for him, love ?

nerofiend Sun 21-Apr-13 13:49:54

Haven't read the whole thread but I think you are right to be furious. You're entitled to feel like that, but obviously how you react or behave is a different matter.

Hard as it is, I think the best is to try to calm down. Go for a walk, have a bath, read a book, watch a good film etc

Once you're calm and can have a chat, try to tell him how you felt and why it's not on to be in a relationship/marriage and do something like that. How would he react if you did the same? Would be he be happy?It shows no respect IMO.

Try to establish the boundaries as early as you can. I had few similar incidents with my DH in the past, as he likes his drink with friends (no drugs, though) and now he has changed and hasn't done it in a very long time.

I don't mind him going out with friends, but he has to show some respect and tell me in advance what time he's planning to come home. Anything later than 12 or 1 am and would be furious too.

MissLurkalot Sun 21-Apr-13 13:56:50

OP, sorry to hear he's been even more if a twat, making the situation worse.

I understand cancelling MIL's visit.

I don't have much advice I'm afraid other than be strong and decide what your next move is going to be.

He's acting like a child. And that is not what you need.
Maybe it's time to start making ultimatums? x

Autumn12 Sun 21-Apr-13 14:05:08

I'm not sure what my next move is. Currently I have asked him to stay out of my way as I do not want to be around him.

MissLurkalot Sun 21-Apr-13 14:08:34

Ok, well catch up on that sleep you missed the other night. Chillax as much as you can... Early night. And then address it tomorrow.
Normal weekly routine can take over, and just try and find a way to really think what you want from all this.
Hopefully someone else will have some more constructive advice for you. Do keep us posted.

BasilBabyEater Sun 21-Apr-13 15:50:26

I must admit I'm puzzled by this idea that a grown adult with adult responsibilities, needs to "let off steam".

What does that mean, please?

Does it mean reverting to teenage behaviour and treating your partner and/ or friends with no consideration or kindness, as if in fact they are not your partners at all?

Do grown adults need to do that every now and then?


Am really curious about this, am I misunderstanding what that phrase means?

BerylStreep Sun 21-Apr-13 16:05:19

Have you checked his phone?

AnyFucker Sun 21-Apr-13 16:15:28

This puzzles me too, Basil

You can "let off steam" and still be a considerate partner

I could have said to have "let off steam" last night at a rather raucous social event. It didn't make me undergo a personality change though, nor entitle me to treat my H as if he didn't matter.

Hissy Sun 21-Apr-13 16:15:36

((((Pomegranatenoir))) smile

VitoCorleone Sun 21-Apr-13 16:40:38

I dont understand the whole "let off steam" thing either.

CinnabarRed Mon 22-Apr-13 08:44:13

TBH, I get the basic concept of letting off steam/letting your hair down - to me it's about letting go of your responsibilities for a few hours.


Only with prior agreement with whoever is shouldering those responsibilities in your absence and only within the limits agreed between you as reasonable.

I suppose you could say it should be able letting go of your responsibilities in a responsible manner.

Autumn12 Mon 22-Apr-13 12:13:26

I don't understand the "letting off steam" thing either really. Handling the stresses and strains of life is all a part of being a grown up isn't it? You can't just go and get fucked up whenever it gets a bit much and park your responsibilities until you feel like picking them up again.

He has emailed me this morning to say that he was irresponsible but felt that it was his last "hurrah" before the baby comes. That he has been bottling things up lately etc, etc.

Righly or wrongly I can't help but feel that he is responsible for his own feelings and dealing with them. I shouldn't have to try and drag things out of him to stop him from getting stressed and going off the rails.

I don't know what he is so stressed about anyway. But then I wouldn't if he hasn't talked to me. He has just come back off holiday and only worked a couple of days last week, he hasn't been shouldering the burden of my family problems either. So I don't know what is getting to him.

It might be the thought of a new baby but he is not the only one going through that. I am too, and any time I have mentioned that I will miss things about my current life he has made me feel like I am being really selfish and petty. I can't just go out and get pissed becuase I'm scared of the responsibility can I?

Anyway he has offered to find some temporary accomodation. I think he was expecting me to say don't be silly but I just said ok.

AnyFucker Mon 22-Apr-13 12:19:06


well done on calling his bluff

I don't understand this "last hurrah" thing before a baby comes, either. Does he look on having a baby as the end of his life ? Parents do still get to enjoy themselves on occasion, admittedly less than before.

But surely committing to having a baby with someone is a tacit agreement that your lives will inevitably move on a stage ?

There will be many more problems between you if one of you acknowledges that fact and has a shift in behaviour accordingly, and the other does not

Schnarkle Mon 22-Apr-13 12:27:37

Stick to your guns now, he's most definitely waiting for you to back down and forgive and forget again.

How many last hurrahs will he have before the baby comes?

My idiot ex had a one of many last hurrah the night before I was induced. He arrived in still drunk and over the course of the day went from drunk to severly hungover. His doting mother arrived with a change of clothes and a packed lunch for him because, god love him, he had a tough night.

bleedingheart Mon 22-Apr-13 12:53:31

The last hurrah thing is a crock of shit, like people having a ONS on their stag or hen night. You've made the commitment already!
He could've called you if he wanted to. When you live with a partner it is simple common decency to tell them if you won't be home.

Pomegranatenoir Mon 22-Apr-13 22:44:08

autumn how are you doing?? Have you got some support around you? When I was going through rubbish times it helped me to be surrounded by friends and keep busy!!

ladyjadie Tue 23-Apr-13 15:40:06

Autumn I read all your posts and I did feel for you, especially the night when he didn't come back. I think it was unfair of him to leave you hanging, and disrespectful of him too tbh. I also know what you mean about people being more coherent when on drugs as well as drink, from personal experience. Do you mind me asking how old you both are?

I would find it hard to forgive even if you weren't heavily pregnant, and his consequent behaviour on returning has been immature imo. It's a hard one to advise on though because I'm sure you don't want to leave him, it's just one of those things that you wish he just hadn't done because it hurt you and made you feel insignificant as you weren't worth thinking about on his 'boys night' and it's something that will probably play on your mind.

If you can if he's not too busy playing the wronged victim try to get him to see that he hurt you and made you feel like you didn't matter, when in reality he should be treating you like the most important thing in his life, because you are carrying his baby, and you need support all the more for this. I hope he listens, because if he doesn't I'm afraid he can only carry on treating you with disrespect, because in his mind you aren't worth more. Hope you're ok.

Toasttoppers Tue 23-Apr-13 15:51:29

I am guessing people saying oh let him out don't have a partner that goes AWOL and is a danger to themselves. If my DH went out this weekend I would not have those worries.

I also dislike drugs, I am not even keen on prescriptions . If he cannot be considerate you will either have to live with the stress or leave.

I do see behaviour like this as a refusal to grow up, if that makes me an old stick in the mud well so be it.

Autumn12 Thu 25-Apr-13 11:24:01

Once again Thanks to all of you who have been supportive and given some good advice. Things are being sorted out slowly after a lot of talking on both sides.

Jaynebxl Thu 25-Apr-13 19:14:18

Did he move out? Are you working things through with him. Thinking of you.

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