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Unwanted pregnancy,and DH will not talk to me.

(172 Posts)
ohdearhelp Fri 19-Apr-13 21:18:25

I have name changed for this. I also don't think this is the right place but I need help and there is a lot of traffic here.
I have been with my DH for 10 years married for 8 and we have 4 lovely DCs.
I had our youngest 2 years ago and it nearly killed me. I was told after I had him that I could not have any more children. This was fine because we already have 4 and we both know how luck we are to have them.

Anyway I have been ill on and off for about 3 months and I had just put it down to a sickness bug. However DH was worried so I went to my local GP, 2 days ago and it turns out I am pregnant (about 16 weeks gone)with twins. They are small for their age but they are alive and the doctor believes that they are growing.

I am terrified and I had to wait until Dh came home to tell him. He is very upset and when I had finished telling him he got up and left and he is refusing to talk about it at all. I have asked him if he would just sit and talk to me. He said no. I told him that I am scared and that I need hi to talk to me. He said that this was all my fault and he didn't want to talk about it. He left the house and didn't return until late.
Today he has only spoken the bare minimum to me and once the DCs were in bed he just went upstairs.

I have a specialist appointment tomorrow which I have told him about, but he just ignored me.
I have no idea what to do. I need to talk to him about this because they are his babies to. I am so scared and I don't know how to get him to listen to me.
Any help?

MrsB74 Fri 19-Apr-13 21:41:57

Didn't want to read and run, I think he is just shocked. There really is no excuse for treating you like this, but it is a very male reaction! I have twins (but no others apart from two step children) so know how scary it is contemplating twin pregnancy especially if you've had problems already (I had two previous miscarriages, which I know is different). Stay strong and see what the specialist says - one day at a time. Your DH will be ok I'm sure and it is so not your fault! Be strong and good luck x

ohdearhelp Fri 19-Apr-13 21:51:01

Thank you. I just thought he would try and talk but he doesn't want to know.

mrspaddy Fri 19-Apr-13 21:54:05

Firstly big hugs to you. Secondly, I think your husband is genuinely shocked and fearing the worst. His sensitivity is coming across in the worst way possible though. Have you anyone else that can go with you to the appointment tom? Men have different ways of coping. I wish he would come around though and look after you. You shouldn't have to go through this on your own xxxx PS Good Luck

Lueji Fri 19-Apr-13 21:57:37

He shouldn't blame you, obviously, but I agree that he may well be in shock.
You may need to let him process it.
Could you tell him to go and talk to you when he's ready?

But I'd be concerned if he takes more than a few days.

ohdearhelp Fri 19-Apr-13 21:58:26

I could ask my MIL to come with me but I don't want to make things worse with DH by telling his family.

ohdearhelp Fri 19-Apr-13 22:00:47

I have already told him to go and come back when the news has sunk in. He said no and just pretended I didn't ask him.

awkwardsis Fri 19-Apr-13 22:01:22

I'm surprised your gp could tell you all that! Are you in the uk? i had to wait bloody ages to see a specialist even for something quite serious in my last pregnancy, id have had no chance on a saturday. I think tonight all you can say is that you're both in shock, and there's no need to decide anything yet, but you must keep lines of communication open. Perhaps aim to discuss things after the weekend?

specialsubject Fri 19-Apr-13 22:05:37

he may be scared for you, but this juvenile sulk and ignoring is completely unacceptable. Not a 'typical male reaction' - how insulting to men. I hope he doesn't normally behave like this.

'all your fault' is clearly nonsense too.

he doesn't need to 'process it'. He needs to grow up and act like an adult.

I wish you luck, and I really hope he starts to help you soon with whatever happens.

NomNomDePlum Fri 19-Apr-13 22:07:26

all this 'he is shocked' stuff is just bollocks - he doesn't get to blame you, it's not like he was uninvolved, he's just being a selfish bastard. if he won't support you then you should go ahead and ask somebody else to, it's not like the situation is going to disappear, or go into suspension, while he's got his head in the sand.

good luck.

nenevomito Fri 19-Apr-13 22:08:27

I agree that he's in shock. When I told DH that I was unplanned pg he didn't talk to me either.

It IS a huge shock. Not only are you pg, so your health is at risk because of what happened before, but its twins which is an even bigger shock.

Hope he has got over it and can talk to you tomorrow.

Ruralninja Fri 19-Apr-13 22:15:58

How is it all your fault? Assume you had sex on, as it were, equal terms. I would be feeling very let down as I am sure you are - I'd be tempted to put a rocket up him. Hope you can involve someone useful until he extracts his ostrich head from the sand. Is his mother useful/understanding?

ohdearhelp Fri 19-Apr-13 22:17:18

I hope he can talk to me tomorrow too.
He isn't usually like this, which is why I am so worried.

ohdearhelp Fri 19-Apr-13 22:18:23

His other is lovely and she is pretty much like my mum to which is why I am thinking of asking her.

ohdearhelp Fri 19-Apr-13 22:18:42

*mother not other

So, you were told you should not have more children, and now you have had a contraception failure, are pregnant with twins, and he wont talk to you?

I dont understand how he can blame you.

ohdearhelp Fri 19-Apr-13 22:22:04

We weren't using contraception because we were told that I couldn't have anymore children so we didn't think it would be a problem. (I know it was stupid now)

Sorry, just trying to get my head around it, you knew you and him were fertile, you had just had your fourth child, in what way could you not have more?

Or did the doctor say you should not have more due to having a pregnancy/birth that nearly killed you?

ThatVikRinA22 Fri 19-Apr-13 22:25:43

i would be furious with him. i would find it very hard to forgive this.

so he might be in shock - diddums! how does the think you feel???

if he will not support you then lovely you tell who the sodding hell you like and who will.

in the end, the decision is yours. I think you need some counselling and soul searching about what this means for you, the pregnancy and the relationship.

dont do anything you might regret. if he wont talk, find someone who will.

ThatVikRinA22 Fri 19-Apr-13 22:26:39

*find someone who will - i mean relative, friend, counsellor, someone you can talk this through with.

ohdearhelp Fri 19-Apr-13 22:28:28

The doctor said that I should not have more due to the birth. He said that even if by some random stroke of fate an egg was good enough to be fertilized the chances of it living beyond a month was next to none.
The only reason they did not remove my womb is because my body had been through so much trauma they wanted it to heal before they tried surgery.

So, trying to continue this pregnancy could have dire consequences?

Your dh may lose you, his unborn twins, and deal with his own grief and the grief of his children, in the worst case scenario?

I cant begin to imagine how scared you are.

SanityClause Fri 19-Apr-13 22:33:40

What Vicar said.

However, do communicate to him what you intend to do, if you can. (Text or email if he won't actually talk.)

I always think that no matter how unreasonable someone else is being, you feel better about yourself if you are reasonable.

And good luck. You are in a hard enough situation without his fuckwittery.

ArabellaBeaumaris Fri 19-Apr-13 22:34:57

How did the GP tell you are pregnant with twins??

ohdearhelp Fri 19-Apr-13 22:35:33

Yes QuintessentialOHara that would be the worst case scenario.

AmberLeaf Fri 19-Apr-13 22:35:48

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MrsSchadenfreude Fri 19-Apr-13 22:36:42

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JennyFromTheBog Fri 19-Apr-13 22:37:06

It's like the thread a while ago. Pregnancy is 90% the woman's fault.

Well it's NOT. it's fifty per cent his 'fault'. He doesn't get to punish you. Tell who you need to tell. YOu need support. You need more support because he's being an ass.

deleted203 Fri 19-Apr-13 22:40:21

He might be in shock - but he's still a fucking tosser. How dare he refuse to talk and tell you 'it's all your fault'. Fuck yourself, did you? Oh no...you just failed to be as infertile as he assumed.

I think he is behaving appallingly at a time when you desperately need a lot of support from him. Do you have a close friend that could go to the appointment with you? Someone who will give you the support you need that you will not get from your childish DH?

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TrampyPants Fri 19-Apr-13 22:41:48

You clearly have an excellent gp, did they have a sonogram in the clinic? Were you not advised to use contraception, since having another baby is dangerous, no matter how low the risk of getting up the pole?

Sorry he is being such an arse though, I would be having stern words.

I'd be disappointed by his reaction, but don't disagree that your DH may need time to process the information. This is not uncommon with sudden, unexpected, unwanted news - for men and women.
How was your GP able to tell you you were expecting twins this time round?

I hope you DH comes round and you get somebody to come with you for your specialist appointment, but am glad you got it through so quickly.

AmberLeaf Fri 19-Apr-13 22:43:31

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TrampyPants Fri 19-Apr-13 22:44:39

Quint, its a pretty poor state of affairs. My cons has never been so definitive, even after 14 mcs. Although he did advise us to use contraception, too risky he said.

Maybe talk things through with your fab gp?

OnTheNingNangNong Fri 19-Apr-13 22:45:12

Where's this GP? He sounds awesome, I need the number.

Remember the guidelines everyone.

FuckThisShit Fri 19-Apr-13 22:47:29

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VinegarDrinker Fri 19-Apr-13 22:49:12

Tbf visiting the GP 2 days ago could well have lead to an EPU scan today or yesterday.

How does the GP know all that? Don't you have to go to the hospital to find out if it's twins or not? Or have things changed that much since I had my last?

expatinscotland Fri 19-Apr-13 22:50:19

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ThatVikRinA22 Fri 19-Apr-13 22:51:43

or the Op could be abroad. unfair.
a bit of compassion wouldnt go amiss. if its not real then so what. if it is there is a woman, pg with twins, and an unsupportive DH who is refusing to talk to her, who has posted for help.

expatinscotland Fri 19-Apr-13 22:52:31

On the other hand, this doctor who told you you did not need to use contraception when it was known you had a fully intact and functioning reproductive system really let you down. sad

TrampyPants Fri 19-Apr-13 22:53:00

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heidihole Fri 19-Apr-13 22:53:05

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ThatVikRinA22 Fri 19-Apr-13 22:53:22

its not saturday expat....she could have been referred for a scan given her history, or gone private,

wtf is wrong with people.

BriansBrain Fri 19-Apr-13 22:53:40

I'm sorry but you were told not to have any more children but didn't use contraception and now you are pregnant with twins means you should both be worried.

Your DH's reaction towards you is off but you should also take some responsibility as should he that you are now in a dangerous situation with this

LittleFrieda Fri 19-Apr-13 22:54:13

Have you had sex doggie style? Because apparently that vastly increases the likelihood of twins. Especially when the eggs aren't Grade A

Good luck with the specialist appointment tomorrow (Saturday).

essexmumma Fri 19-Apr-13 22:55:33

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lollystix Fri 19-Apr-13 22:57:28

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. I was in your position exactly 2 years ago when I found out I was 16 weeks with my unexpected 4th. DH was a dick and didn't speak to me for 2 weeks. I actually got really sick and hospitalised with unrelated condition and I think that really gave him a kick up the bum as it put it into perspective for him. I wasn't allowed to tell anyone till 20 weeks as he was too embarrassed?! At 34 weeks he was still refusing to talk about where the baby would sleep and I was so worried he wouldn't bond but he totally did and now all Is well but I suppose a little bit of me will never forgive him for his behaviour. It was all about 'him' with zero consideration on how I was feeling emotionally or physically. I'm not excusing your DH but he will need time. As usual us girls have to suck it up as they saysad

OliviaMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 19-Apr-13 22:57:43

SolidGoldBrass

Remember the guidelines everyone.

Thanks SGB
indeed

JennyFromTheBog Fri 19-Apr-13 22:58:05

Obviously I don't know either way, but y'all always assume everybody is English. I've posted a few things over the years way back now, and then people pick holes in it if it doesn't tally exactly with what happens in the UK. And short of saying, look, i'm south african /Australian/Irish, or living in Spain, it was private, it was at the *mount sainai clinic *ok!? and then totally outing yourself, where you live and what clinic you attended - what can you say!?

BriansBrain Fri 19-Apr-13 22:59:18

Op did say "I went to the GP, two days later it is twins"

Maybe she was referred?

CocktailQueen Fri 19-Apr-13 22:59:32

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if shes 16 weeks the dr would probably be able to hear tow babies in there, and possibly measure the tummy or feel them by feeling the tummy

good luck op, guess your going to have to talk to an expert that can tell you all the risks etc and your going to have to try to weigh them all up

best of luck

Who ever that doctor was who told you that if an egg was fertilized the chances of it living beyond a month was next to none - I hope you have his name. And a good lawyer to sue his ass off.

ArabellaBeaumaris Fri 19-Apr-13 23:02:03

it would be a very skilled GP who could pick up two baby heartbeats at 16 weeks. It's very very early.

OliviaMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 19-Apr-13 23:04:01

Just to post here to avoid any more deletions - we currently have no plans to remove this thread and would ask you all to remain within the guidelines
Thanks so much

AmberLeaf Fri 19-Apr-13 23:05:14

Briansbrain, no she didn't

she said;

I went to my local GP, 2 days ago and it turns out I am pregnant (about 16 weeks gone)with twins

2 days ago not 2 days later

FuckThisShit Fri 19-Apr-13 23:05:20

WTF have I been deleted please. I said nothing delete worthy FFS. In fact the person I was agreeing with has her post remaining. Jesus.

gps have those dopplers in the surgerys these days

MrsSchadenfreude Fri 19-Apr-13 23:07:09

I don't understand why I have been deleted either?

AmberLeaf Fri 19-Apr-13 23:07:11

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

????

What on the green earth did I say that warranted deletion?

AmberLeaf Fri 19-Apr-13 23:08:02

Fuckthisshit yes all you said was you agree with me!

Madness.

CocktailQueen Fri 19-Apr-13 23:08:40

Why have I been deleted??? I was expressing disbelief at the medical goings-on that the OP reported. That's all.

LittleFrieda Fri 19-Apr-13 23:08:40

At one very technologically advanced obstetric clinic in Singapore, the obstetricians can detect what the baby is saying to the placenta from about 15 weeks.

FuckThisShit Fri 19-Apr-13 23:09:06

D you know what, I've had the most horrendous week and being deleted for no reason has actually made me fucking cry. I'm so angry.

CocktailQueen Fri 19-Apr-13 23:09:39

lol, Frieda! smile

MrsSchadenfreude Fri 19-Apr-13 23:09:56

<strokes FTS's hair>

Gives Fuck a Hug and Chocolate Hob nob.

There there.

MrsSchadenfreude Fri 19-Apr-13 23:10:40

And good luck OP.

TrampyPants Fri 19-Apr-13 23:10:51

<cuddles FTS>

awkwardsis Fri 19-Apr-13 23:12:22

Fuckthisshit, don't cry. I'm coming at this from an odd perspective. When I found myself unexpectedly pregnant I came here and did a massive 'oh shit' thread. (He's just turned one and a little bundle of loveliness but that is neither here nor there). Someone doubted me, and someone called me stupid. That made me cry. So even if I thnk a thread is complete bullshit, I still remember how awful it was to be calls out as a possible troll. I'd rather you cry than someone (however unlikely) genuine.

I'm curious of the saturday appt especially so soon! I live 5 minutes from my drs and one of scotlands largest hospitals, a teaching one no less and i doubt i'd be seen so fast in any circs envy

Hope your dh comes around.

FuckThisShit Fri 19-Apr-13 23:16:22

Thank you all of you, I feel pathetic now! But I have just opened a bottle of wine so harmony is restored.

AnyFucker Fri 19-Apr-13 23:16:54

Wine, FTS ?

What took you so long ?

FuckThisShit Fri 19-Apr-13 23:18:18

I thought I'd give the wine a miss this evening. BIG mistake.

OceanBeach Fri 19-Apr-13 23:21:08

Well the poor op won't come back now. What if this was real and now she has felt ridiculed?
The whole thing isn't implausible. Going to GP 2 days ago, saying she's been ill for3 months and has a track record that says a pregnancy could kill her, she wound get an early scan that day, and might be seeing on call consultant, even in the UK. If not in the UK sat appointments are a lot more common.
When I had problems with a mc, it was arranged on fri for me to see and be scanned by the on call consultant the next day, was given a time to return on the Saturday.

expatinscotland Fri 19-Apr-13 23:22:21

Did someone say wine?! I have none! Give here. smile

ThatVikRinA22 Fri 19-Apr-13 23:23:24

i feel so sorry for the OP if this is real. imagine how you would feel reading this shit. its cruel.

the op didnt say they were in the UK.

<<shares wine with anybody in need>>

I have to say, I had nothing but v good and timely pregnancy/pregnancy loss care in the UK.

Anybody in the OP's position deserves support whether or not the OP is genuine.

FuckThisShit Fri 19-Apr-13 23:26:54

Expat lovely lady, if I was 500 miles north, I would gladly share with you. Shall I drink yours as a favour?

SanityClause Fri 19-Apr-13 23:28:28

I fell pregnant on the Mirena. We decided to see a consultant privately, and got an appointment within a couple of days.

BallerinaZeena Fri 19-Apr-13 23:32:13

Goes to gp. Gets referred to hospital for a scan. That can all happen in two days. One, in fact. Private clinics are sometimes open on Saturdays.

OP - come back if you need to chat.

AmberLeaf Fri 19-Apr-13 23:34:50

Forget the GP/specialist appt.

What she was told re not having anymore children again and particularly the bit about 'if the eggs were good enough' after 4 children there is suddenly a problem with eggs?!

Ok.

expatinscotland Fri 19-Apr-13 23:36:29

Don't you dare drink my wine! I'll be there in the morning.

Lueji Fri 19-Apr-13 23:37:57
FuckThisShit Fri 19-Apr-13 23:38:29

grin. I'll get MrsD over and we can all share!

ThatVikRinA22 Fri 19-Apr-13 23:42:16

amber
what if the mother is older? or has had other issues with fertility?
what if she is deeply embarrassed at not using contraception and gambling with something so important as her health that she is not telling the whole story?
what if she is not in the uk
what if she paid privately?

it doesnt make it false. this could be someone in need of advice and help. i dont see how pouring cold water on the OP and making it patently obvious that people think its not true is helping anyone.

the OP perhaps didnt give full details.
i just know i would be devastated to read what has been put if i were in this position.
i cant see why people post answers if they believe a post is not true?

FuckThisShit Fri 19-Apr-13 23:42:36

Lueji that article suggests that this is what will be happening in the future and that he is the only GP currently. Of course this doesn't include private GPs who I'm sure will every machine going..

OceanBeach Fri 19-Apr-13 23:47:13

You can't speculate. MNHQ said the thread was staying and that's good enough for me.

op maybe name change again and start a new thread as I wouldn't come backhrre either if I was genuine and feeling in the worst possible place like you must be.

expatinscotland Fri 19-Apr-13 23:48:07

I want wine!

AmberLeaf Fri 19-Apr-13 23:51:13

vicar, if all of or any of your 'what ifs' are the case here, then they would be vital bits of info that had been missed out and no one should be surprised at people being suspicious of the facts as presented here.

ThatVikRinA22 Fri 19-Apr-13 23:56:39

really? you would be routinely suspicious of a woman posting in relationships stating she has a surprise pg and her dh is not taking it well? because she didnt give publicly all the juicy details?

HQ says the thread isnt being deleted - they normally delete threads that are not what they appear to be do they not?

clearly this is why i struggle at work. i tend to take things at face value until i know otherwise. ive been a response cop for 2 1/2 years and am still not as much of a cynic as the supportive posters on this thread.

if im wrong im wrong. so what.
if this is genuine then its brutal and unfair.

am giving up now and going to bed.

Lueji Fri 19-Apr-13 23:57:44

FTS, that was in 2007.

FuckThisShit Fri 19-Apr-13 23:59:36

Oops! Sorry.....

expatinscotland Fri 19-Apr-13 23:59:37

I want wine.

FuckThisShit Sat 20-Apr-13 00:01:19

Get yo ass down here then grin

OceanBeach Sat 20-Apr-13 00:01:20

Vicar I'm with you in giving up.

Why the fuck does she need to give dates and times of scans? To her the important details are, I nearly dies last time, its twins, I'm quite far gone and dh won't speak to me. What do I do?

MN at its bitchy best

AmberLeaf Sat 20-Apr-13 00:06:29

<passes expat wine>

really? you would be routinely suspicious of a woman posting in relationships stating she has a surprise pg and her dh is not taking it well? because she didnt give publicly all the juicy details?

No not at all, but it is the credulity of the details given here that make me suspicious.

HQ says the thread isnt being deleted - they normally delete threads that are not what they appear to be do they not?

No they don't, I think there are many threads that MNHQ are 'keeping and eye on'

I tend to take people very much at face value too, in rl anyway.

If this is genuine, then yes it is unfair. I agree with that, just I don't think it is.

I'm more fussed at having upset you than the OP tbh.

CautionaryWhale Sat 20-Apr-13 00:11:08

Hello there OP

it takes two to trouser tango

i wish you well

fwiw none of my three were planned...i got my DH to do the pregnancy test for DC3 due in a few weeks time - i weed in a beaker and gave him the stick to do bless

he was dazed but got it together quicker than me

hopefully you will get more support and advice as the news sinks in

take care xx

i am not in the uk and my gynae has the most advanced equipment - 4d ulrasound machines, dildo cam (!) etc - so yes, could very well diagnose twins and size at 16 weeks. Just sayin'

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 20-Apr-13 00:15:54

hey amber im not upset, smile

i would just rather have egg on my face than ignore or worse someone in this position.

ive seen in the past that once someone smells a rat on a thread then everyone tends to pile in, i happened once on a thread of a poster i knew and i knew it was genuine, but it mattered not. the majority had decided it wasnt.
i suppose i try to keep an open mind, and see weird and wonderful things all the time.
i should probably toughen up and get much more cynical....but then i think thats why most police arent respected in the first place.
confused

hey ho.

OP - i wish you well, and hope you get some advice and help in RL.

Lueji Sat 20-Apr-13 00:25:38
AmberLeaf Sat 20-Apr-13 00:28:59

Glad you're not upset smile

I know what you mean, but I think that the benefit of toughening up is self protection. If you believe everything you sort of end up feeling it all too.

Anyway, I'm out of this thread, as I don't have anything positive to add!

Take care Vicar.

People who are not medical professionals often mishear or misinterpret what a medical professional says to them. It's perfectly feasible that the OP muddled a warning against having another pregnancy with a warning that getting pregnant would be unlikely to lead to a live birth, or that conception was now unlikely due to damage done with the last birth. So she and her H might have believed that they no longer needed to use contraception.

So unless and until the OP's twins are born premature, with three heads each, while her H is shagging the neighbour's tortoise and Lord Lucan's riding Shergar round their back garden, perhaps a little benefit-of-doubt, people?

UterusUterusGhali Sat 20-Apr-13 01:53:36

<<ignores mustashioed toff galloping round the locale on a mount made of tesco burgers>>

Dereksmalls Sat 20-Apr-13 02:19:11

I assumed the GP had estimated 16 wks from date of last period.

OP, I hope you're ok and have been able to start talking. I know there have been some doubts expressed about the thread - it would be good if it wasn't true as obviously then the problem wouldn't exist.

OP I do so hope you are alright and I hope you can post elsewhere and get the support you so obviously need.

To the sceptics, if the OP lives abroad then the health system is vastly different to the uk. I injured a toe and it went went purple so I rocked up to the hospital and was signed in and immediately saw a nurse who took all the details and took my BP, oxygen levels, weight and a few other obs. I then went to the GP's waiting room and 15 mins later saw a GP who checked me over and said I needed an X-ray. I went straight to the X-ray dept and was seen within ten minutes. I was then sent back to the GP who I saw within ten minutes again. He checked my X-ray on the system and wasn't sure about something so he rang the xray dept and he had a discussion with a Dr there about the X-ray and they agreed that there wasn't a break so I was given a script for pain killers and anti bs and paid the equivilant of £10 at the desk for the service. Went to the pharmacy at the entrance to the hospital for free and went home.

DH went to the GPs at the hospital as he was extremely ill and saw a GP who diagnosed hypertension , he was immediately sent to the another dept and has had every test needed to be sure and be saw the specialist. He has been back twice now and seen the specialist with no fuss, bother or waiting. He had been going to the Drs in the uk with the same symptoms for two years prior to that and was told it wasn't a problem. The specialist here was shocked.

Hope you're ok, OP.

I was once called on a Sunday morning by a consultant obstetrician as he'd realised that I was likely to be having an ectopic pregnancy. It was whipped out the next day.

Just sayin'. That was private btw.

OP hope your ok.
I've been to see my gp then seen at epau (early pregnancy assessment unit) within the maternity unit, mostly that day, once i got sent the next morning, and they are open over the weekend in the uk. It is possible. There I got scanned and assessed. This has happened 4 times, all referred with possible eptopic/miscarriage so it is plausible in the uk.
OP getting pregnant is a joint effort. I just hope if this is genuine, for your other children's sake, that everything goes well

FuckOffMrBloom Sat 20-Apr-13 07:13:35

My local gp has an ultrasound dept.

saintmerryweather Sat 20-Apr-13 07:16:07

You people sharing wine around on this thread make me sick, someone has posted looking for help and youre more worried about pulling the post apart so you can gleefully point out that details dont add up. this is the second time kn as many days ive seen this sort of bollocks happen on relationships and youre all just busy making the thread into a joke. if youve nothing helpful to say why dont you fuck off? Crying because youve been deleted on mn is a sign you need to step back from the internet.

I hope youre ok op ive nothing useful to say about your situation, but im sick of this attitude from some other posters

Chubfuddler Sat 20-Apr-13 07:16:33

Bloody hell. I've seen much more outlandish OPs than this. Did everyone enjoy being pissed up on this thread last night? If this is real the op must be in bits. And very little chance of her coming back.

Well done mners <slow hand clap>

JumpingJackSprat Sat 20-Apr-13 07:24:41

Agree with saintmerryweather and chubfuddler. chances are op is genuine and some troll hunters on this thread have probably ensured she wont post on relationships again. hope youre all very fucking proud of yourselves now that youve probably scared off a poster that needed help. wtf has happened to the relationship board recently.

GizzaCwtch Sat 20-Apr-13 07:26:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lueji Sat 20-Apr-13 07:30:36

I do hope some people feel ashamed of themselves today.

Do you really want to take the risk of upsetting vulnerable people, without much more evidence than "my gp doesn't have an ultrasound"?

It should not matter if some threads are fake.
The situations described and the answers may well help lurkers and people come forward.
What are you afraid of? Getting involved? Then don't. Just stay away if you don't believe it, or report it.
Even get your facts right, and check if some GPs in the UK do have ultrasound machines, for example.

I really feel sad that some people can be so callous.

JennyFromTheBog Sat 20-Apr-13 10:13:26

One of the posters cried because her comment was deleted. Can she and the others who called troll imagine how upsetting it would be to have your problem laughed at.

I've been in those shoes. Pretty much every time i post a problem here somebody yells troll and there's a pile in! I don't know why, it's not as though the things I've posted have stretched the imagination. confused

I think people get hung up on details, and like sgb says, people misinterpret and/or forget what their gp says, and as I said, not ever poster is necessarily in the UK. One of the issues I posted, it was a landlord / tennant issue, because the details didn't tally exactly with what happens in the UK, I was told I was lying, got loads of these faces hmm thrown in too. Oh it's so tedious all the cynicism.

If you dno't believe the poster, phrase your reply so that it's a bit more theoretical.

FuckThisShit Sat 20-Apr-13 10:43:12

Actually Jenny I did not call troll, and merely agreed with a previous poster who said how wonderful her GP was.

I cried simply because it was the final straw on the proverbial after a horrendous week, and it flicked the switch.

If the OP is genuine then she has nothing to fear for coming back asking for support and advice.

Chubfuddler Sat 20-Apr-13 10:47:19

Nothing to fear? Seriously? Would you want to come back to ask for support and advice after this - she was asking for support and advice in her op. Look how well that went for her.

FuckThisShit Sat 20-Apr-13 10:51:08

If it's genuine then why not. I would and I DID when I was called troll.

AitchTwoOhOneTwo Sat 20-Apr-13 10:53:20

re the Saturday appointment, at least in our area it's now policy to use as many of the really expensive machines that they can on the weekends as well. makes TOTAL sense, the NHS has spent £xhundred thousand on an MRI scanner or whatever, why in god's name should it lie unused for two says every week. Staff get time and a half, patients get appointments, machine gets used before newer technology overwhelms it, everyone's a winner. i had a scan on my ankle done on a Sunday.

Sorry op.

I hope you get the support you need in real life.

I've been here as long as some of the 'wine drinkers' up thread and am stunned at the nastiness of it all.

CajaDeLaMemoria Sat 20-Apr-13 11:04:09

I had a routine MRI and CT scan last Saturday. It was arranged on Saturday morning. NHS.

People don't want weekend appointments, so they can be very easy to get. And if your circumstances warrant it, you'll get them fast.

saintmerryweather Sat 20-Apr-13 11:04:24

Fuckthisshit - youve had a shit week so you come onto someone elses thread and help turn it into a joke by passing round virtual fucking wine, which basically shows exactly what you think of the op and how serious you think her problems are.

You wouldnt like it if it happened to you so grow up ffs. fair enough if people aant to call troll and play stupid games in AIBU, its to be expected but if people post in this topic its because theyre looking for support

DIYapprentice Sat 20-Apr-13 11:05:30

If it's genuine then why not. I would and I DID when I was called troll

Well hoo bloody rah for you!

Others may not feel strong enough to deal with the sort of crap that's been thrown at the op on this thread.

If you doubt the op, feel free to find another thread to post on and get the hell off a thread where the op clearly needs support.

<seething at the treatment of the op here...>

OceanBeach Sat 20-Apr-13 11:08:08

op so glad that there a re lovely people around this morning. I now know which MN I never want posting on any of my threads, and I hadn't really come across derailments of threads like this before. Please start a new thread, whilst the select few from last night can't post from hangovers, you will get some sensible advice. This is such a life changing event for you, what ever way you choose to take it. Your DH probably thought first he would loose you, if you were anti-abortion, so he's conflicted. But he should not be leaving you to deal with this on your own

fuckthisshit ops life sounds shit and she has more than enough reasons to cry. If you've had a crap week, go start your own thread so people can twist your thread. I've been called out troll before, because people said it was a weird situation. Precisely why I wanted the anonymous nature of MN, it was just to sensitive to even talk with my best friend. I did not stay on that thread

OceanBeach Sat 20-Apr-13 11:09:49

Meant, I know which MNers I do not want posting on my threads

FuckThisShit Sat 20-Apr-13 11:13:23

I wasn't passing round virtual fucking wine. I didn't come on the thread to do as you say. Not sure why you have to start laying into me as that's pretty nasty in itself.

I wasn't drunk and I wasn't encouraging anyone. I do have a thread, under a name change thanks.

Anyone else want to make out it's all my fault and kick me in the head?

Cuddlydragon Sat 20-Apr-13 11:15:54

I really hope some posters sober up this morning and are thoroughly ashamed of themselves. What happened on this thread last night was cruel to the OP. OP, I hope you have the support you need in RL now and that you are ok. This thread gave a platform to display the very worst of mumsnet.

Chubfuddler Sat 20-Apr-13 11:17:13

No one is making out its all your fault. As you are the only person who has replied to defend their posts, subsequent replies have been focused on you, funnily enough. If anyone else from last night wants to come back, I'll tell them their behaviour was shit too. Would that help?

I'm sorry you've had a tough week, join the club. But the whole arch "gosh what a good GP, fancy being able to tell you are 16 weeks with twins" thing was obvious implication that the op wasn't believed and you joined in with that.

AmberLeaf Sat 20-Apr-13 11:19:57

You do know that virtual wine isn't real? it won't actually get anyone drunk!

Vicky2011 Sat 20-Apr-13 11:23:39

Hope you're OK OP and that your DH is communicating with you now

FuckThisShit Sat 20-Apr-13 11:24:09

I said fuck all about the twins.

I explained why l had been pushed and people decided to be pretty nasty to me.

Chubfuddler Sat 20-Apr-13 11:24:17

I was drunk last night and am hungover now. I still managed not to be a cunt to a pregnant distressed woman though. So sobriety or not has little to do with it really.

milkymocha Sat 20-Apr-13 11:24:59

SaintMerryWeather - Perfectly put! Kudos to you, i'd share Real alcohol with you - not this virtual -bollocks- stuff grin

Chubfuddler Sat 20-Apr-13 11:25:27

You're splitting hairs FTS. The op was clearly distressed and her thread got derailed. It was shitty.

OP, if you are still reading: A thought just occurred to me, and I am just hypothesizing, so bear with me. Was your husband present when your obstetrician told you that any future pregnancies would be unlikely? Is there any chance that he thinks that you have engineered this? That he thinks you have wanted any more children and told him you cant have any more just to get a surprise pregnancy? I am just utterly gobsmacked and find it hard to believe that a loving father of 4 can just suddenly turn like this.

I hope you are still reading. It got a bit bizarre here last night, but I hope you can come back and find support.

AmberLeaf Sat 20-Apr-13 11:37:04

chubb you mentioned people being 'pissed up' on the thread, that's why I said virtual wine isn't real!

nenevomito Sat 20-Apr-13 11:37:33

Stop having a go at FTS. It's pretty hard to take someone bleating about being nasty seriously when they're being nasty themselves.

I have no idea if the OP is genuine or not, but what i actually suspect is that the legacy of DizzyMare still lives on. This unfortunately means that people are more cynical of stories of posters expecting twins who may die, when the details don't add up in their heads.

AmberLeaf Sat 20-Apr-13 11:38:23

All I was drinking was diet coke, so no sobering up to do and no I dont feel ashamed in the slightest.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sat 20-Apr-13 11:38:33

I am sorry that your husband is blaming you. That is really really unfair. It takes two to make a baby! And even if you did misunderstand what you were told about how possible a pregnancy was, that wasn't an intentional act on your part! You haven't got pregnant at him!

Anyway, what's important now is that you are pregnant and you need to deal with the situation as it is, how it happened doesn't change a thing and it's pointless for him to be angry and sulking when he has a pregnant wife in a potentially life threatening situation. Now is not the time for him to sulk. He needs to put that aside and be supportive. He can sulk later when you're not in danger!

Or, you know, not at all. Cos he's a grown up and that's not how we handle things!

babyheave is right. There has been too many trolls with fantabulous stories that has involved multiple pregnancy and loss. We have all been taken in and poured support and been emotionally drained, time and time again. It is easy to think Oh no, not another one. sad

Shit that this has a backlash on genuine posters.

Chubfuddler Sat 20-Apr-13 11:44:51

Yes it is shit. And the moral we should all take from it is to not get over invested, not to treat all posts regarding high risk multiple pregnancies with suspicion.

JumpingJackSprat Sat 20-Apr-13 11:58:51

Who gives a fuck if its genuine or not? And i dont give a fuck if the virtual wine results in a hangover or not the fact that some people turned the thread into a joke because one over sensitive person got a deleted comment is disgusting. can i suggest those that derailed the thread and called troll last night avoid relationships board in the future and stick to aib.

AnAirOfHope Sat 20-Apr-13 12:00:11

If you think op is a troll just report and hide thread there is no reason in the world why you have to post nasty shit to others.

You dont have to invest time or emotions on here.

The question was how to get dh to communicate not how do i cope with a high risk pg.

nenevomito Sat 20-Apr-13 12:00:14

JJS, I refer you back to my comment about people being nasty.

OceanBeach Sat 20-Apr-13 12:08:32

Well said jjs. op hope all goes well today

OceanBeach Sat 20-Apr-13 12:09:43

I had the problem that people kept calling troll and derailing with bastard, pass the wine, when MNHQ said the thread was staying and they didn't want to keep deleting people's posts blatantly calling troll.

This wasn't AIBU

FuckThisShit Sat 20-Apr-13 12:10:19

I think it's pretty fucking nasty to lay into me in particular given that I wasn't on this thread being nasty in the slightest.

I came back on to reply to one poster and explain why I was so upset. I did not come back on to be on the receiving end of posters' vitriol. I am not asking for sympathy, just merely explaining my reaction.

I was not passing virtual wine about, nor larking about and this morning's aggressiveness towards me is OTT and pretty bloody spiteful in itself. I'm struggling to understand how it's fine to be nasty to someone who really wasn't a poster hurling disbelief around when that's the very thing you're dong yourselves.

MissAnnersley Sat 20-Apr-13 12:21:21

If you don't believe an OP report it and then stay off the thread. Allow the other adults on this site to decide for themselves whether they want to invest the time in a thread.

Otherwise you run the risk of not only looking like a complete twat but being called on it too.

And no, that comment is not directed at any one poster.

OceanBeach Sat 20-Apr-13 12:22:40

FTS, I didn't like the whole tone of last night. Not just one poster, but all who derailed the thread, calling troll and derailing so op would never want to come back. i bet that even if this was a troll, someone in the country or world is going throught this and could read this thinking, shit it must be my fault if thats how other women react.

Was about to hide this thread and hope a new one turned up in pregnancy or relationship by the OP. but I had to reply to your comment of *I was not passing virtual wine about*

Some of your postings last night regarding passing the sodding wine.

But I have just opened a bottle of wine so harmony is restored.

Expat lovely lady, if I was 500 miles north, I would gladly share with you. Shall I drink yours as a favour?

I'll get MrsD over and we can all share!

In response to the previous post of "I want wine" Get yo ass down here then

Its in black and white. God how I hate this is still going on this morning, seems like more purposeful derailing for the op.

op good luck, if you read back through the whole thread, it was actually the majority who were hear to support you. Great thread for the DM to pick up on!

FuckThisShit Sat 20-Apr-13 12:23:25

I find it very interesting that there are still several posts standing which most definitely suggest bollocks is being spouted. Perhaps all the really clever and pious ones could explain for me why this is?

FuckThisShit Sat 20-Apr-13 12:26:10

I had wine, yes. I said I would share if we were closer and yes, I said come down. I did not use creepy wee brackets, I made a statement. I really have had the most soul destroying week, yes I was embarrassed for admitting the deletion had tipped me over, but I was not attempting to derail a thread.

nenevomito Sat 20-Apr-13 12:29:44

If you want to stop what you see as derailment, why not write something helpful and supportive to the op instead of just kvetching about other posters and derailing it even more. i.e. take your own advice.

<sigh>

AnyFucker Sat 20-Apr-13 12:30:54

God how I hate this is still going on this morning, seems like more purposeful derailing for the op.

Yes, it does, doesn't it ?

AnyFucker Sat 20-Apr-13 12:32:00

crosspost with BH smile

brew

is tea ok, everybody ?

AmberLeaf Sat 20-Apr-13 12:38:31

FTS yes there are loads aren't there? bit off really as it gives the [wrong] impression that those deleted were really vile or something.

Hmm.

FuckThisShit Sat 20-Apr-13 12:48:39

Yes amber, that's exactly it. Perhaps that's why posters have turned on me, imagining in their righteous mind that I'd said something truly hideous.

So long as they're comfortable being spiteful and ignorant perhaps I should try to emulate them.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Sat 20-Apr-13 12:50:43

OP I had a rough pregnancy with my DTs. My DH has a son with significant disabilities, so when we discovered we were having twins his entire attitude to the pregnancy changed. He became cold and distant. Though he didn't go as far as to outwardly say he blamed me, it was bleeding obvious. Around 20 weeks I started to have complications and was advised on bed rest. I ended up breaking down in tears and demanding he grow up. I really lost it in a way I never had. He tried to object a few times but I just steamrolled him with how selfish he was, how scared I was, the stress of a hard pregnancy, certain family issues and him being so selfish as to not take care of me when I was carrying his children.

After that his attitude completely changed and he couldn't have been more tender, caring and loving. I think it was just the shock of my grief (yes, grief) of the situation that got through to him I really needed his support.

I'm not saying this is the right way to go, I just wanted to empathise, I know how hard it can be.

AmberLeaf Sat 20-Apr-13 12:52:47

Yeah, not on really.

A righteous secondary pile in!

AuntieMaggie Sat 20-Apr-13 13:19:36

Seriously can those not posting useful advice/supportive messages for the OP just shut the fuck up? There is a woman here who may have a serious physical problem as well as dealing with her husbands reaction and she doesn't need this shit. For those doubters I have received phone calls, had scans and been called into hospital on a Saturday and Sunday to see a consultant on the NHS - it tends to depend on the hospital/consultant/seriousness of the situation.

ohdearhelp I hope your DH goes with you today and that the situation with your health isn't as bad as you think it is. Good luck.

YoniMeKateMumsnet (MNHQ) Sat 20-Apr-13 13:41:29

Hi everyone,

We deleted a few posts last night that we felt were questioning the validity of the OP's story i.e troll hunting.

We also deleted posts that were replies to those deleted posts, for one because it appeared they were colluding with the troll hunting posts, and also so the thread would make sense.

As Mumsnet is a post moderated site, we rely on you guys to report stuff to us. It may be that we have missed some posted that should have been deleted. If that's the case, please do report those posts to us.

As other have said up thread, if you suspect that the OP isn't genuine, the best policy is to report it to us.

Well op will never come back now, what a lovely not so lovely bunch some of you are sad
Why is it so hard to believe this story to be true?

Anyway i hope you are ok op, I'm sure your dh will come round in the end. He has to, because at 16 weeks there isn't really any other option apart from adoption.
If he doesn't come round then it will be a case of going it alone, which with 6 dc is going to be more than tough on you. I wish you well op, and i do hope its just nerves and shock that has got into him.

BallerinaZeena Sat 20-Apr-13 13:52:25

Adoption isn't the only option OP. You can still have a termination if that's what you want. Your options are unlimited but not for long. Hope your specialist appointment went well today!

Whorulestheroost Sat 20-Apr-13 16:40:17

This is why mn has a reputation if being rife with angry bitchy women.

What a school yard you lot need to grow up

MrsSchadenfreude Sat 20-Apr-13 19:54:49

Yes Miss.

OceanBeach Sun 21-Apr-13 22:15:34

op hope yesterday went ok and you got some advice and options

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 21-Apr-13 22:26:56

how are you doing OP? hope you feel able to come back - be strong.
i hope you are ok.

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 23-Apr-13 23:58:53

sad
guess OP thought fuck that for a game of dominoes then.
cant say i blame her either.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Wed 24-Apr-13 05:17:01

Ditto sad

GeekLove Wed 24-Apr-13 08:45:51

I'm sorry OP about this thread turning to crap. If you start a new thread that would be best. Hope you are in a better position now.

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