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The golden rule for getting over a break up

(47 Posts)
boyfromipinema Fri 19-Apr-13 14:12:43

So you've just been dumped....for whatever reason.
You're totally heartbroken but need to let go and move on.

What is the one golden rule you'd give to someone in this position?

I read a lot of posts by people in this situation, indeed I've posted about it myself.
I've also read a lot of the advice regarding looking after yourself and distractions, but I'd be interested to know what people think is the number 1 tip.

skaboy Fri 19-Apr-13 14:16:46

It gets better. Nobody stays at rock bottom. That is the unavoidable rule of time

LillyofWinchester Fri 19-Apr-13 14:21:23

Here is mine: keep going to work and do your job well. Even though you might not care about trivial things like meaningful employment now, when you are out the other side you will be really glad you still have your job and a good reputation at work. I think its tempting after a breakup to make drastic changes to your life but work can be the one constant which can distract you. So, even if you cry a river when you get home every night, keep your chin up at work.

SueFawley Fri 19-Apr-13 14:26:30

No Contact. If you don't have to be in contact with them, ie no DC together etc, then there's no need to have contact. So dont call them, don't text, don't email. I extend this to not looking at their Facebook/Twitter accounts, not reading old emails etc.

Of course, I realise that for many of us, this isn't feasible because of the DC involved.

JoJoCK Fri 19-Apr-13 14:28:06

Minimise contact with the ex. Staying friends is hugely overrated IMHO. If your circumstances allow it don't have any contact at all.

JoJoCK Fri 19-Apr-13 14:28:43

Sorry, x-post with Sue!

RedPencils Fri 19-Apr-13 14:28:50

Assuming you havent got DCs , Delete their phone number and email. Do not get in touch EVER for any reaaon at all.

If you have got DCs never ever text or call when Drunk.

kelb6180 Fri 19-Apr-13 14:30:19

Distance is the one golden rule, because in most break ups there is always a time when you see each other and it pulls on heart strings. Remember ex's are the past you don't go back to have a future.

OhBuggerandArse Fri 19-Apr-13 14:39:29

Two bottles of Madeira (over several days, and to be shared with good friends while weeping, cursing and picking over the bones) - would never drink it otherwise, but it's sweet and comforting in shock, and by the end of the second bottle you'll be ready to looking towards new things.

chocmallow Fri 19-Apr-13 14:44:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flossieraptor Fri 19-Apr-13 15:05:33

Whenever it has happened to me I have wallowed in the misery zone for a couple of days then just made myself as busy as possible work/social life/gym whatever. REmember that love and heartbreak expand your heart and make you more understanding of life and other people - you will emerge battered but better.

boyfromipinema Fri 19-Apr-13 16:07:22

My contribution, and it's not something I've invested in myself, is to avoid wasting your hard earned cash on 'how to get your ex back' guides.
There are absolutely tons of these on the net, and you come across them if you google most anything about break ups.
They are exploitative, probably don't work and besides, why would you want to scheme and work to get back someone who dumped you and didn't want you?

flossieraptor Fri 19-Apr-13 17:50:09

I think a change of scenery is very good too. WHen I split up with an ex aged 39 (no DC) I had a bit of a crisis, went to a therapist and spent a fortune trying to work out why it wasn't happening for me. After a few weeks of paying out a fortune I ditched him a bought a ticket to NYC to see a good friend. It was like a reboot for me. I met now DH as soon as a got back and had a baby grin

Restorer Fri 19-Apr-13 18:04:36

Allow yourself a (little) bit of time and then make yourself really busy. Take on extra projects at work, arrange to see every old friend you can think of, join the gym, do some volunteering, de-clutter the house, find a new hobby....A cliché, but one day you wake up and realise he wasn't the first thing you thought of smile

bollockstoit Fri 19-Apr-13 18:11:47

Realise that it will take time and accept that you will feel terrible, but you will get through it.

something2say Fri 19-Apr-13 18:33:33

Same as all the rest really.
Avoid contact. It will hurt and set you back.
Be busy. Go out.
Get out across the fields on a good long walk and let the wind to through your head.
Cry when you have to.
And remember; there's always another man, even when you cannot remotely conceive of it.

wellthatsdoneit Fri 19-Apr-13 18:38:34

No contact. Try to reconnect with something which meant something to you before you met (it may mean going back many years for some), or try to make a new connection with something new. Anything that doesn't have a connection to the ex. If you've been together many years with someone you have to forge or strengthen your own identity.

JennyFromTheBog Fri 19-Apr-13 18:47:26

If it's a bad breakup, where you were dumped or wronged, then dump any mutual friends who act all 'don't ask us to get involved'. Your real friends will not find it a tough choice, your real friends won't find it a sacrifice to cut him out of their life.

I know from experience that it was the aftermath, watching mutual friends socialising with him and being excluding or asked not to come or other outrageous requests that compounded the pain.

LemonPeculiarJones Fri 19-Apr-13 20:32:35

I get the feeling this is research, OP. Are you working on your own project/article concerning recovery after a split?

boyfromipinema Fri 19-Apr-13 20:43:28

Yes....kinda.
It's been hard as I still love her.
But it's an unrequited love so I am just doing what I can to move on.
Some good advice posted so far.
I have stuck to no contact.

findingmymarbles Fri 19-Apr-13 21:43:56

Don't squash your feelings. I squashed mine for months after a messy breakup. I put on a show of being over it, and its only coming back to bite me now. Had I just opened up to friends early on I could be over it. As it is I'm still dealing with it.
Also be kind to yourself, as you would be to a friend going through the same. Take yourself for a swim or a massage. Eat lovely food, not crap. Have a bath with nice smelly things in it. And make sure you're not too introspective. Wallowing in your own misery is fine for a while, but in the end just feels like wearing the same clothes for a week.

AnyFucker Fri 19-Apr-13 21:46:55

In one word...

disengage

LittleFeileFooFoo Fri 19-Apr-13 21:48:30

exercise! Use your frustration to work that much harder. Also clean out closets and organize. Always helped me.

CastroIsDead Fri 19-Apr-13 21:54:04

best way to get over someone?
get under someone else grin

boyfromipinema Fri 19-Apr-13 22:23:47

I thought about doing that and even started a dating thread on this site. But the truth be told it was tongue in cheek as I don't feel ready for that yet and it would be unfair to use a woman just to alleviate my low self esteem...even if she was up for it.
Ill be ok...just entered a marathon for end of year so that will keep me occupied...and fit.

Ledkr Fri 19-Apr-13 22:26:35

No contact for as long as possible.
Stop people before they launch into talking about seeing your ex.
Don't fall stay strong.
Plan something nice to look forward to.
Keep busy.

onefewernow Fri 19-Apr-13 22:28:12

Restorer has it.

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 20-Apr-13 08:23:09

Detach, detach and detach smile

TeenyW123 Sat 20-Apr-13 08:38:35

Respect yourself.

Teeny

boyfromipinema Sat 20-Apr-13 09:17:03

The old method was to join the foreign legion.
Might give that a try.

alicepicalo Sat 20-Apr-13 09:48:27

Detach, disengage, absolutlely no contact of any sort, chuck out any memorabilia and sell anything gold wink

navada Sat 20-Apr-13 09:59:41

The first month is the hardest - if you can get through that you'll be fine.
& as everyone else has said, No contact! - it's the only way.

We've all been there smile

Chin up x

JennyFromTheBog Sat 20-Apr-13 10:03:34

The worst thing to do is to 'get under somebody new'. when i was dumped (with a brutal character assassination), I worked out, bought some new clothes, thoght I'd moved on but I ended up with an horrbly abusive man and had two children with him sad that would never have happened if I hadn't 'selected' that man while I was still feeling like a worthless rejected heartbroken loser.

blueballoon79 Sat 20-Apr-13 10:17:58

I'm another who thinks "get under somebody else" is the worst thing to do.

I did this after being brutally dumped and felt used and disgusting afterwards.

In my circumstances the only thing that really helped was time.

I kept telling myself that I wouldn't feel that bad forever and it would pass. I went out a lot more with my friends and forced myself to go for long walks every day to get some exercise.

Now I have no feelings about him whatsoever and am so relieved that he left- he did me a huge favour!

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Apr-13 10:54:05

I wrote a list of all the horrible and unacceptable things that my ex did, then whenever I started wavering or seeing the relationship through rose coloured specs, I took out the list and read it. That worked well.

Cut contact as much as possible and never ask or take notice about anything to do with how he is or what he's feeling.

Do things you enjoy.

Still18atheart Sat 20-Apr-13 11:01:21

Minimise contact
As tempting as it looks, the bottle of wine/vodka/gin/ copious amounts of your favourite tipple is not the way to go
It is ok to talk to friends etc.

Andcake Sat 20-Apr-13 11:11:40

Agree with much of the list but here's mine
- get v drunk with girls friends
- even with stonking hangover go to work and throw yourself into it - keep up the 'facade' of professionalism. Warn a friend you might call from the loo in tears or allow yourself to cry the second you get home
- go on holiday - if your on your own and no friends to travel with invest in a holiday with someone like explore or exodus. Meeting lots of nice independant people
- buy yourself something nice - even just a £5 cheap bracelet
- not the get under someone but a pointless snog with a stranger who you'll hopefully never see again.

boyfromipinema Sat 20-Apr-13 11:24:45

I guess retaining one's sense of humour doesn't do much harm

boyfromipinema Sat 20-Apr-13 11:26:15

And some sense of perspective

CastroIsDead Sat 20-Apr-13 12:27:07

you will get there boy. well done on the marathon that will help.
haven't actually got under someone else yet. was going to and just knowing i would have did help.when you first break up you think there will never be anyone else but there will be.
the list is a good one, another list of all the great things about you will help too.
i split from my ex 6months ago, first couple were awful but now i wake up im the morning and tell myself how cool and amazing i am feels kind of wierd at first but now im starting to believe it and believe that i deserve someone who is equally as cool and amazing as i am xx

cluecu Sat 20-Apr-13 13:50:52

Things I've learned from my own and other people's experiences:

1. As little contact as possible and do not try to be friends
2. Do not underestimate the power of time
3. Buy Nytol
4. Talk about it to your close family and friends and whoever else you want to. Work mates can be very kind and make life easier and you will be surprised at the advice and kindness you get from strangers
5. It's not about looks or weight. having said that exercise will make you feel better as will a haircut, facial and healthy food.
6. If there are parts of your life you've neglected or ambitions unfulfilled, being single is a great time to realise them.
7. You WILL be happy again

smile

lottieandmia Sat 20-Apr-13 13:53:43

The only way to get over someone is to let time do its work. It doesn't offer much comfort when you feel heartbroken but in time you look back and all those awful feelings have gone.

JennyFromTheBog Sat 20-Apr-13 15:07:51

I saw mine on tv a while ago. he was bein asked (in his professional capacity) for his reaction to a certain news event. I hope that gives the picture without outing me, but I looked at him and just saw a total stranger. he had a familiar face but that was all. It was like looking at a newsreader. He was familiar in his appearance but the over riding emotion I felt was a sort of curiosity that I could look at him, on tv and feel........ nothing confused . Over a person who nearly had me in a psychiatric hospital at one point.

navada Sat 20-Apr-13 16:34:39

Jenny - how long did it take you to get over him?

JennyFromTheBog Sun 21-Apr-13 10:56:21

Well, within 18 months I could see that he was a pompous ass who just wanted to move on with the moral highground, so he delivered a character assassination so that he could dump me and feel like the good guy, I saw that quite clearly but yet it still damaged my self esteem. I ended up in an abusive relationship after it..... and I'm dealing with the repercussions of that now! I had a bit of psychotherapy after leaving the abusive man and I mentioned the dumping+character assassination to the psychotherapist a good 12 or 13 years after it happened! smile I swear I am over it now!

Lizzabadger Sun 21-Apr-13 12:45:07

No contact INCLUDING no absolutely no Facebook stalking, googling etc etc.

dondon33 Sun 21-Apr-13 15:53:05

No contact, detach and disengage are all great pieces of advice. Try to find other things to do - new hobby, exercise, go out.

Absolutely don't see, sleep with, cyber or fone sex, don't get drunk and call him, BAH! if you can't trust yourself - don't get drunk at all.
I'd do well to take my own advice

Let 'time' play it's part.

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