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Can we talk about stone walling please?

(63 Posts)
superstarheartbreaker Thu 18-Apr-13 23:58:17

My bloke has just dumped me by email (classy) after a very short but intense relationship. All the warning signals were there. A major one for me was the stone walling. I noticed that every time I had an issue with the realtionship he would go very cold and refuse to discuss. He percieved it as a very personal attack.
Last Friday he came round as usual, we got pissed and I tried to initiate sex. he didn't want it which is fair enough but I had a little strop (immature I know) and said I felt rejected. he did reassure me but I didn't really remmebr the conversation and we ended up having very rough sex. I do like rough sex but this just felt wierd and different from normal. The next day I got cystitus.We spent the next evening togather and no sex due to cystitus.
On Monday I was still feeling wierd about the wierd rejection/sex thing and then texted him. I think I bruised his pride. However he kept ignoring me and refusing to take my calls....for most of the week. It drove me a bit potty. I have bad pmt/menatl health issues relating to that. The more he ignored , the more I texted. I know I was stupid but I felt like I was being ignored, unloved, I wanted reassurance etc. He dumped me by email today and is still refusing to talk.
Was I a twat for texting about the wierd sex? I am just very open to discussion. I said I felt a change as he used to be able to want me all teh time. I feel like a twat as he was pissed up, full up after a lovely meal and just wanted to chill. But I felt rejected. Stupid I know. I cant force anyone to Did I deserve to be ignored and dumped. I am off to the doctors tomorrow and devastated as I I thought I found a lovely man but he dumpoed me by email. Surely he could have tried to to reassure me ? He said he felt criticised which is probably true. I'm in a mess.Am I mad or is being ignored crazy making? Agggrrr! I just can't tell my arse from my elbow in relationships.
On Sunday I baked his son a birthday cake. Another red flag was he told me htold me he loved me three weeks in after two shags and wanted the kids to meet soon after which was too soon in my eyes.

superstarheartbreaker Fri 19-Apr-13 00:00:07

I mentioned the birthday cake as we were all getting so close as a unit and now the rug has been pulled from my feet. What hurts the most is that if I did deserve to be dumped he could have called or come round.

jenny99 Fri 19-Apr-13 00:17:05

Read this about stone walling
(Hope the link works?!) x

superstarheartbreaker Fri 19-Apr-13 00:21:58

Thanks jenny will read. I have just read the stuff about emotionally abusive relationships. Part of me thinks that I may be an abuser; Pestering my man for sex and making a fuss when he is too tired. Bomarding him with texts when he clearly dosn't want to talk and needs space. Gosh I am so messed up when it comes to men. Will I EVER have a normal adult relationship?

superstarheartbreaker Fri 19-Apr-13 00:22:56

Oh yeah an dwhen he dumped me I tried to make him feel guilty by saying how hurt I was and could we talk. agggrrr! I'm taking time out from the dating world until more sorted.

Monty27 Fri 19-Apr-13 00:26:49

I'd run for the hills if a man behaved towards me like you did to him.

I'd probably stonewall them too, and I hope that doesn't make me an abuser.

superstarheartbreaker Fri 19-Apr-13 00:27:19

Read it....that's him. Mabe I was messed up about the sex thing but I wanted to talk about it and apologise and make ammends. he just flat out ignored my attempts to put things right. We always had great banter during which he's say 'I'm always right.' LAt the time it was a big joke but now I can see he wants to be always right otherwise it's incomunicado time for me and yes; I did feel crazy about it all.

Monty27 Fri 19-Apr-13 00:28:35

I haven't read the link. I'm going to now though.

Monty27 Fri 19-Apr-13 00:31:16

Read the link. No that's not me, phew.

WinkyWinkola Fri 19-Apr-13 00:32:38

He sounds creepy and controlling.

You sound very needy and should learn to sit on your hands and not text into silence.

superstarheartbreaker Fri 19-Apr-13 00:41:14

It was a mutual fuck up. I can see that I'm a needy mess and yes; I don't blame him for running. tbh; I have no idea where the sex thing came from. issues. give me a hard time..i do need to hear it but im also a mess right now. WHY do I destroy my relationships?

jenny99 Fri 19-Apr-13 00:41:19

Please read the link again and again. It says he won't change, it is him with the problem not you. Walk away. It is irrelevant whether the texts you sent were silly/unnecessary etc. if he is a stonewaller and you recognise him from that link then I would suggest you walk away.

WinkyWinkola Fri 19-Apr-13 00:48:37

He's the fuck up.

If he were a good man he would have listened to you, responded to your texts and you wouldn't have felt compelled to send so many.

Two separate issues there as you shouldn't have texted on and on but he sounds vile regardless.

superstarheartbreaker Fri 19-Apr-13 00:48:54

I know. Monty has a point. I sent a shitty text then wanted to make it better and instead drove him away. I guess we arent compatible. he is a good man though in so many ways but no communication. I feel like a sad twat.

MissFredi Fri 19-Apr-13 00:56:27

You will get better at relationships, I can promise you!

I was exactly the same. Texting incessantly, calling, what have you. Then I had a big break from it all and met DP and now we have a house and are ttc and there's no neediness or anything.

I felt exactly how you do now and I really want you to know how good things will get in the future!!

Sorry, weird post, just sounded exactly like my history of relationships blush

superstarheartbreaker Fri 19-Apr-13 01:00:28

He did respond a bit..sporadically and coldly. He says he never meant to upset me. It's my fault and I love him but its over. sad.

superstarheartbreaker Fri 19-Apr-13 01:07:48

Heres the break up message:

'I really wasn't trying to upset you. I've found it difficult to deal with this week and I'm thinking that things aren't going to work out for us. I've been in a relationship before where there were similar problems and it didn't end well. I don't want to be in that situation again. It gives me no pleasure to say this as you are a good person, but I think we should stop seeing each other. I'm really sorry, but I just can't continue.'

This is so reasonable and fine but he could have said it over the phone but then he probably didn't want the inevitble fall out.

MissFredi Fri 19-Apr-13 01:09:40

I almost find it funny when they say that. "I didn't want to upset you" - so you broke up with me?



superstarheartbreaker Fri 19-Apr-13 01:11:16

Thanks Miss Fendi. Flowers greatly apprechiated. Yeah...and ignore me for about a week. Ok so I was a dick but I wanted to apologise for being a dick and he wouldn't have it.

MissFredi Fri 19-Apr-13 01:12:15

Sorry we were typing at the same time!

It's exactly the same reasons as well!

It "happened to him before".


superstarheartbreaker Fri 19-Apr-13 01:14:21

I though that. I wonder why. Let me guess; girl gets upset, tries to communicate. He refuses to communicate, she ties herself up in knots trying to communicate ad nauseum.

MissFredi Fri 19-Apr-13 01:20:02

Lather, rinse, repeat!wink

MissFredi Fri 19-Apr-13 01:24:01

I don't know where that came from. Sleep deprivation lolwink

superstarheartbreaker Fri 19-Apr-13 01:27:12

I was a dick about the sex though. That day my friend (who is worth a whole other thread) asked me if the relationship was passioante enough. I think this got into my head. In fact I am going to start a thread about her as shes controlling too!

superstarheartbreaker Fri 19-Apr-13 01:28:17

I also told him about my bipolar dtendancies which is a big ask for anyone but if he was the right man he's have come over, given me a huge hug and TALKED about it. Or at least phoned to tell me he wasn't sure he could deal with it.

superstarheartbreaker Fri 19-Apr-13 02:29:09

So mabe he had an ex with bipolar tendancies which is a big ask and I don't blame him for running but to be dropped from a big hieght like that is so demoralising. Last weekend we had an amzing and romantic weekend away in London. It wa sawesome. I just don't get it.

superstarheartbreaker Fri 19-Apr-13 06:33:47

Didn't get much sleep last night. Going to doctors this morning to sort out medication etc and have a chat about my behaviour. I have deleted his number and will try zero contact. I ma full of regret. Hand holding/butt kicking still welcome. I know I need time alone to sort myself out before getting into the dating scene gain.

twooter Fri 19-Apr-13 06:48:40

To be fair, a lot of men would freak out at the thought of having to talk about the relationship, especially if its early on.

superstarheartbreaker Fri 19-Apr-13 07:18:38

Well its ok for them to talk about being in love 3 weeks in isn't it?(which did freak me out a bit tbh) We are supposed to be flattered but as soon as we want to 'work' on things they shoot off. I wanted to talk to him about my potential bipolar which is more about me than him. I thought it only fair to tell him early on but I accept he can't handle it.

joblot Fri 19-Apr-13 07:25:35

I think forcing/pushing someone into having sex is a deal breaker for most of us. As well as the above advice I'd say you need to look at your attitude to sex also. I'd dump by text if I'd been forced to have sex, that would ruin things for me.

KatyTheCleaningLady Fri 19-Apr-13 07:31:06

If I were in a relationship with someone who behaved as you described yourself in your op, I would dump you by email and stonewall you, too.

You come across like a bunny boiler.

superstarheartbreaker Fri 19-Apr-13 07:37:47

I didn't force him to have sex. I get in a mood about him not wanting sex which was really shit of me and that's why I wanted to talk to him about it. I do feel awful about it ...and I do feel bad about the texting. Mabe I am a bunny boiler. Well I do have issues clearly. I'm hoping I can sort them out before dating again.

BitOutOfPractice Fri 19-Apr-13 07:47:31

I'm afraid to say that I thinkyou have acted badly here (with regard to the sex) then gone completely OTT this week with the texts and shitty emails. If I were him, I would have done the same as he did. TBH his break up email sounds the calmest thing on this thread! Sorry but you need to calm down and breathe and look at what you could have done differently

ratbagcatbag Fri 19-Apr-13 07:54:34

Ok, I used to be like this, attention seeking, clinging, desperate for affection, blaming everything on the other person when things go wrong and admitting a tiny bit and only a tiny bit was my fault, getting stuff in my head that I couldn't drop and do you know what I found I attracted dicks, (scuse the pun) because you give out signals tat you will put up with anything if they say I love you, if they give you a few crumbs of affection. Also sorry to be really harsh and sorry if I'm out of line, but telling him about the bi polar is so he has another reason not to leave, I've shared m deepest secret etc, its another stick to beat hm with so to speak, gains more sympathy, again i know because I was the same with some previous abuse I'd suffered. At the time I thought being open and honest was the way forward, but now I'm in a healthy place I can see it was to manipulate more sympathy so I could behave how I wanted, that's not to say the abuse wasn't traumatic but I couldn't move past how I felt I should be treated because of it ( iyswim).

I hope you do get some help, it's awful being stuck in this cycle, and I'm not excusing he was a twat, but had you come on here saying a guy had pressured you for sex to feel reassured and then texted you constantly wed been advising she runs for the hills.

You can get better, it takes some serious work to not fall into the woe is me trap and stop yourself being dragged down, I now tell myself I'm better than that and I've been with DH ten years and am cuddling my five week old dd.

superstarheartbreaker Fri 19-Apr-13 07:55:57

I'd normally get really defensive but I'm sitting here in tears about what a fucking knob I have been.

superstarheartbreaker Fri 19-Apr-13 08:00:42

We live and learn I hope. He is a really decent guy too.

ratbagcatbag Fri 19-Apr-13 08:05:24

It's not so much live and learn, you have to make a conscious decision to not behave like that, and it's bloody hard, it's so easy when things aren't goin right to slip back into it and start the cycle again.

ratbagcatbag Fri 19-Apr-13 08:05:55

This is from experience as I say, twelve years ago I was doing this!!!

superstarheartbreaker Fri 19-Apr-13 08:06:14

Thanks for talking sense into me. I now have to eat humble pie. I can't believ I'm saying this but I do actually feel sorry for my dd!

ratbagcatbag Fri 19-Apr-13 08:07:42

When you say ear humble pie do you mean contact him?

superstarheartbreaker Fri 19-Apr-13 08:08:16

I'm also 35 and by the time I work it out will probably be too old for more kids!

superstarheartbreaker Fri 19-Apr-13 08:08:52

No..I have deleted his number. I mean I'm going to have to process this alone and work out what to do.

ratbagcatbag Fri 19-Apr-13 08:12:05

Only you can decide that, I've got friends on late forties having them, but if you don't process this you will really end up sad or driving yourself crackers. Hopefully the dr can suggest something, maybe some counciling to see if you can figure out why you do this and how to be healthier in relationships so you are strong enough to not be taken for granted and accept shitty behaviour.

joblot Fri 19-Apr-13 08:23:45

Good for you op. Don't worry about age- I'm 47 and still fuck up, it's how real life is. Live and learn and change

superstarheartbreaker Fri 19-Apr-13 08:35:37

thanks everyone. i'm more aware now.

superstarheartbreaker Fri 19-Apr-13 08:36:39

Was his behaviour shitty though ...I think not. It was mine in the end.

KatyTheCleaningLady Fri 19-Apr-13 09:35:01

I have boiled a few bunnies in my day. I really do understand where you're coming from, op.

Look, this may be a slightly controversial recommendation, but I think you should read that book, The Rules. There's some stupid stuff in it, but it's also got some good points, and while I wouldn't say that someone should follow it like the Bible, it can be helpful for someone with needy/clingy issues like you seem to have.

As dumb as some of it is, it's basically about how to at least pretend to be too busy and happy with your own life to get into these kinds of situations.

Short, intense relationships are usually bad. They're like emotional crack and they leave you feeling even shittier than you did before.

boyfromipinema Fri 19-Apr-13 10:07:32

You probably shouldn't have mentioned the Bipolar depression at such an early stage. It would be a worry for someone who is about to embark on a relationship. You're actions constantly texting him would have made him realize in his mind that he did the right thing.
Having said that it was daft of him to say he loved you after 3 weeks. Some people do casually throw around the word love,and then seem suprised that the objects of this 'love' take it seriously.
To them it's just words and all part of the courtship.

superstarheartbreaker Fri 19-Apr-13 11:10:19

Hi boyfrom...I do think that it was the right time really. I was obviously having a bad time. He needed to know what was going down so that he could make an informed decision. It would have been awful if I had told him later , very deceptive and dishonest. He has a right to know. He cant handle it, that's fair enough but he could have phoned me and ended it. A fair few people have told me there's no excuse for not talking properly.

superstarheartbreaker Fri 19-Apr-13 11:13:44

Have read the rules. I just can't stick to them! In fact I threw my copy in the bin! Went to the doctor. He said I was talking rationally hmm and that I was reacting normally to relationship breakdown. He was great about the complulsive texting saying humans don't like uncertainty etc. Very professional. Gave me sleeping tablets for two or three nights then told me to come back in a couple of weeks to sort the bipolar out.

badinage Fri 19-Apr-13 11:16:03

Hang on though.

Isn't this the 'lovely bloke' who's a drug addict, who you assured us you were dumping a few weeks ago?

OP give relationships a rest for a while. I've lost count of the threads you've started in the past few months that have been about various different blokes or about sexual relationships generally. You're way too needy to be in a relationship, to have a successful one just yet.

You seem very needy and you obviously needed reassurance if he cared about you at all and was the right man for you he would have provided that, but he didn't so sounds like he couldn't care less unfortunately .
Some people just bring the worse out in us, you are better off out of it OP , date someone who doesn't make you feel like that.

Angelico Fri 19-Apr-13 11:20:43

You need to like yourself and value yourself before you look for another relationship. Seriously, take some major time out from dating and give yourself some TLC.

superstarheartbreaker Fri 19-Apr-13 12:43:28

Yes he is the weed smoker who you told me to dump blush I asked for it treally didn't I? He just sent a lovely text saying he's sorry he did it by email but he freaked out due to the tension and anxiety etc. He said its a shame it didn't work out. I feel better ..that it has been left on a better note. I must stop the insane plotting about hbow to get him back. uggggggr---no!
Yes I am very needy. I have no idea why really; many things I guess. I am definately taking a dating sabbatical. I'm going to book a holiday for dd and I this weekend!

superstarheartbreaker Fri 19-Apr-13 12:45:30

I think that in order to like myself I have to finally accept my illness. Have been in complete denial over bipolar for many years and stopped taking medication when pregnant 5 years ago. Whilst in many ways I have coped it has clearly reared it's ugly head once more.

OhLori Fri 19-Apr-13 13:19:40

Give yourself a break. You'll know next time.

I honestly believe if a man ends a relationship by email, they do not even deserve a response. Just press delete and block and put it down to experience that however painful, you can learn from <been there, done that>

p.s. weird or rough sex a red flag.

badinage Fri 19-Apr-13 16:18:50

Have you been officially diagnosed with bi-polar?

I don't think either of you were right for each other tbh. He was an addict, you were needy and you both had terrible boundaries about your respective children and getting them involved in your relationship too early. You also seemed far too willing to give him the 'great dad' label, just because he saw his kids reasonably regularly having walked out on his former family.

A break from blokes is a great idea. But make sure it's a proper break eh? No endless pondering about the 'perfect' relationship or dating etiquette. Try to focus on other things for a while, like your kids, work, friends and perhaps new hobbies. You are complete without a bloke on the go and they should always be a nice bonus, not the be-all and end-all of life.

superstarheartbreaker Sat 20-Apr-13 09:33:36

Hi all. Feel better today after night in with friend, wine and the Hangover part 2! I think it was bad we got the kids involved too early; I always felt awkward about that. The other day on his son's birthday he wanted to drop his kids off at his exes house with me in the car. I didn't think that it was at all appropruiate as I didn't want her to see me at such a special time. i do think of her feelings. He promised he wouldn't back the car into the drive and park up the road but he backed his car in anyway. She didn't see me but it felt wierd and awkward that he had gone back on his word. His excuse is that he didn't have time to drop me off first but still.
Also on teh Saturday night I stayed at his with the kids. He went outside for two spliffs whilsty I stayed in and looked after the kids who were in bed sleeping. That rang alarm bells as he promised to keep that seperate. His idea of keeping the drugs seperatye was smoking them outside. I personally don't see how it is possible to keep drugs seperate from your dating life as it affects personality and libido etc.
I am now on a dating break. I am very needy and need to sort that out.I do have a bipolar diagnosis as the doctor reminded me on Friday but I have been in complete denial. i think now is time to get that sorted too.

badinage Sat 20-Apr-13 11:25:30

All good plans. Good luck.

boyfromipinema Sat 20-Apr-13 11:35:16

You're right about how it's wrong to keep drugs separate in your dating life.
He went outside for two spliffs....didn't the selfish bastard offer you any?

superstarheartbreaker Sat 20-Apr-13 13:32:10

No I meant I want drugs kept seperate as I hate them!!!

boyfromipinema Sat 20-Apr-13 15:31:26

Sorry, I was only joking.
Not trying to trivialise your problems, just looking on funny side.
Feel free to do the same on my thread.
You've gotta laugh ain't you

superstarheartbreaker Sat 20-Apr-13 17:39:23

boyfrom...I know! I actually thought it was quite funny! Where is your thread? You juts do have to laugh sometimes don't you?

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