Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Big mess. Plz help.(65 Posts)
Please help me. I'm in such a big big mess.
Have been with dh for almost 12years married for past 8.
We have had problems since beginning of marriage, too numerous to list here and don't want the post to be massive.
Anyway. Around 4years ago, I got my head turned by om at work. At first we were friends but realised I was falling in love with him. We talked all the time.
Around 6months after, he told me he was married but separated. And his dw was pregnant. Due in a month. He said they had had a trial period to see if they could patch things up and she ended up pregnant. He apologised etc etc for not telling me.
After a few weeks I started talking to him again. He said he was really serious about me and wanted to marry me. Id told him I wanted to leave dh because of our problems anyway. We had no physical relationship at all btw.
Roll on 4years later. We now have a business together. We have a house ready for me to move into. School organised for my dc.
Dh has found out about om and house etc. he has had suspicions about om but of course I denied it. We have had separate beds for past 5years btw.
Dh wants me to either make it work with him 100% and forget the om and I have to leave my business. Cut all ties. But it's very complicated to leave the business.
Om then tells me a few things after dh found out. He was not separated. He had been living with his pregnant wife at the time he met me. He has been living with her and his Dc up until last year when she moved out with Dc (apparently). I was obviously totally shocked to discover this. Had I known he was married with pregnant Dc, I would have never have gotten into this. I'd been told by him he was separated and saw his dc every few weekends.
Om still wants me to move into house carry on business and once my divorce goes through, he will marry me.
Dh wants us to work on marriage. But I'm not allowed to continue with my business or have any other job. I have to stay at home.
I've studied for years to do my job. I love it. But it's not just about work. I don't know if I can trust om, who knows what else he's not told me.
Dh is a lovely guy but I don't love him.
Honestly, get rid of both of them.
You don't love dh.
Om doesn't love you, whatever he might say. The man is a distrustful liar. Not husband material, wouldn't you say?
By all means continue in your job, but separate it from your personal life if poss.
Any other way is just a shit-storm of grief tbh.
Get shot of both.
You don't love your dh. He wishes to control you. Your mattiage is not a happy one.
Your OM is a liar.
Had I known he was married with pregnant Dc, I would have never have gotten into this.
Please. Yes you would. The fact that you were married yourself, and cheating on your husband means that doing the right thing was never on your agenda. You knew he was still involved with his wife, because she was pregnant. You swallowed his bullshit story because you wanted to...so don't give us that.
Ditch them both. Your horrible husband and your sleazy dishonest boyfriend.
That's my advice.
I can't separate my job, I wish I could. I know om is distrustful. But I really love him.
Dh is a good dad. Is now a good husband but he wants to control every aspect of my life.
I have always been very independent and always worked.
I don't want to 'be forbidden' from working.
If I leave both, I end up on my own with dcs and no money no home.
Pictish, honestly, I was stupid yes. But he really convinced me that it was over and of course I was so dumb to believe him.
Me and dh have been I separate beds for years now. We were like housemates. I know what I did was so wrong and I fully accept that.
But om is my best friend.
I know I need to leave both.
Don't jump from the frying pan into the fire, OM is trouble.
Stay and work out a fair separation from your husband.
Lowercase, that's exactly what it seems like. I'm going from one bad marriage into another potential one.
So, don't do it!
People who don't listen to their intuition are always sorry later
Look...I'm not trying to slam you, honestly. I don't think you have to explain yourself...I'm just saying that this situation is born out of dishonesty, half truths and lies.
How can you possibly go on? I presume he was in love with his wife when he married her too?
You will never be able to trust him. You could be having his baby and he might be lining up the next one. He could be telling her he's separated too, while you know nothing of it. Why not?
You can't stay with your dh either.
You will have to find a way to go it alone.
Yes I know. Those thoughts have crossed my mind.
I can't trust om anymore but he is a really caring generous loving guy.
We really get on and understand each other. He knows how I'm feeling without me saying anything. Loads of things.
He says he is divorcing his dw now.
My dh has given me till wkend to make my mind up or I pack my bags and leave with dcs.
You cheated on you husband with a guy who was cheating on his wife. You don't love you husband. Your post reads like you feel it all happened to you and it's not your fault. Time to take responsibility and take control of your life. Why not ditch them both and get stuck into your career?
No Loving, I don't think that. I fully accept that I did wrong.
I know I was stupid and gullible.
In hindsight of course I see all the lies.
Yes I did cheat and I'm very ashamed of myself. I can't justify it by saying my marriage was dead. It's still cheating.
My career is difficult to do with dcs if I work for someone else. Being self employed made it ideal.
I'm in such a mess.
You both deserve eachother, you know. Both cheating and lying. Perfect, really! I think you should do the decent thing, leave your husband, and look forward. You always wanted to be with OM, so stick to that plan. Does it matter what he wants? Go for what YOU believe in.
Did she find out about the affair and kick him out?
It is she who is divorcing him?
Okay, one problem at a time. Stay self employed for a while to settle things, it's hard to go through separation and looking for new employment all in one move.
What's the situation with the house? Is it yours? Other mans? Rented? Could you move in there alone with the kids?
Being alone is not the worst possible option op, you really need to realise that. If the OM is this wonderful guy you are in love with and divorcing his wife atm (big fat if all of that based on his previous stories wouldn't you say?) then he'll still be around in 6 months time when things have settled down. Hopefully by that time though you will have the clarity to realise that he is a liar and bullshitter and he's strung all these people on in his life like puppets, who doesn't really give a toss other than playing lip service to the women who do his washing up and have sex with him.
You really don't need that in your life.
Would you be able to continue working with your husband but without the marriage? Might suit you both? I'd ditch OM . He sounds like someone who will bring you a lot if trouble you can do without.
Quint I know this sounds stupid but I can't trust om now. I know we both cheated but at least I was honest to him about my home situation.
Pictish, his dw knows everything (at least that's what hes told me) but she's willing to give him another chance. I've told him to take it and make his marriage work. He says he doesn't love her.
Teeb the house is rented in oms name. But I would have moved in on my own for at least a year.
I'm scared of being on my own. I'm a chicken.
I know your right regarding the 6month realisation thing.
Loving, the business is with om not dh....
Removing yourself from the situation...what do you think of men who cheat while their wives are pregnant, with women to whom they pretend they are single?
What's the money that if you turn him loose, he goes straight back to wifey?
Or would he remain single and seek the divorce anyway? What do you think...and be honest now.
Pictish, you made me laugh even though it's not a funny situation. Only because I've thought these exact things.
I would think he was a sleaze and a***h**e for cheating on pregnant wife.
I think if I let him go he would prob go back to her. He has a nice house and a dw and Dc who love him and want him so why not.
I have really really tried to convince him to go back to dw but he keeps saying he doesn't love her.
Really, that isn't your problem op. Your problem is where you are going to live after the weekend. Who was going to pay the rent on the house? OM? Is it possible for you to have it put into your name?
I am surprised if your husband really wants you back, when he comes to his senses.
His wife is the type of woman to cheat, have an affair with a man whose wife is pregnant, and not only that, has set up another home, and a business with another man behind his back!
In the same way as you recognize your OM is not a good catch, dont you think your husband will come to realize the exact same thing about you?
As far as lies and deception go, he might consider you a tramp from the mudlands of Tartfield!
Teeb, the house rent is paid up in front for the next 9months. But after finding out abt oms situation I don't really want to move in.
I would have lived there on my own with dcs. Not om. I have not had a physical affair with om, it's emotional only.
Quint, thanks for your comment. It's true that dh might not want me. But do I really want him.
He is very controlling, will use this to control me further. Out personalities totally clash. He has hit me once few months ago.
He was non existent in marriage up until 18months ago. Now he does do odd bit of hw and does spend time with dcs.
I can't take the thought of spending rest of my life with him for dcs sake.
Seriously? You'd whisk your children out of the house they've grown up in and away from their father and then put them in a new house with (to them) a complete stranger while simultaneously moving them to a new school? You were genuinely planning to do that?
I agree with the other comments here that you should leave both your DH and OM. But leave your DCs with their father, in their home, at their school, so they have at least some stability while you work out whatever the fuck it is you want.
Oh and the business was not done behind his back. But obv he didn't know how I felt about om.
If I leave om I can't see how I can carry on with working together.
If I stay with dh, it means staying at home every day. I know plenty of people who are sahm, but it's not for me. I would go mad. I don't have any friends here or family. It would just be me and dh. All day.
Snorbs, dcs know the om very well. He is really good with them.
I'd have to leave as the house is not ours. So I have no rights over this home.
Dc would have to leave his school yes but he was going into an excellent school where he would have had the highest standard of education.
You had a house all set up to move into with another man, schools all sorted and now you are upset your H wants you out faster than you planned?
What did you expect after years of lying to him? I am amazed he wants you to stay.
You and OM are both lying cheats. Why did you think he would treat you better than his pregnant wife and children.
He only left her last years 3 years into messing around with you.
Oh, well, that's alright then. So your child goes from living at home with mum and dad and going to his familiar school, to new home with mum and "family friend" and new school. All in the blink of an eye. But as it's an excellent school then, to you, it's all good.
Do you have any idea how overwhelmingly disruptive this would be to your child? My ex moved out and it knocked my DCs sideways for ages. And that was despite them staying at home, continuing at their school and with me not moving anyone else in.
Move out, sort your life out, decide what it is you want. But don't drag your child into this sordid drama any more than is absolutely unavoidable.
Hmmm...sounds like a very tricky situation. You need an exit plan from the business as well as from the relationship with OM. You have too much invested in the OM. Can one of you buy the other out of the business?
Snorbs, I would not be living with om. I've mentioned that a few times. The house is near my family and Dc really likes it. Dc is very young and I have spoken to teachers at new and old school and they Dc will settle in quickly.
And I'm not upset that dh wants me out, I just don't know if I should stay with him and give it a go even though I don't love him. He knows everything and obv is upset but he wants to try again. He knows he wasn't there for me for years and years. It doesn't excuse my behaviour of course.
But as it stands, dh has told me I can't work at all and I have to stay at home. He listens in to my phonecalls, has GPS tracking on my car. Has a very obsessive personality.
No one is perfect. I am full of faults, I'm just trying to find the best way of moving forwards now.
Loving, I can't afford to buy him out. He invested alot more than me. But it is a very good high earning business.
I've put alot of time into it and it will start making alot of money soon. But I would have to walk away with nothing initially.
You said you don't love your DH and he has hit you. That would be enough reason for me to end it. Obv I'm not you though. Did you say you've not been physical with OM? If that's the case, can you agree to roll back your relationship to a business one and carry on concentrating on the business?
Do you own a share of the business btw?
OP I'm not going to bash you.
Back to what I asked you earlier...thanks for answering. In the event of you ending your relationship with him, you think he would most likely hightail it back to his wife. So do I.
What that tells you, is that he has to be with someone, even if they are not his choice. It doesn't matter WHO to him, but WHAT. Dyswim?
He says he does not love his wife...yet he would rejoin her in matrimony for the sake of an easy life. His food cooked, his ego massaged, his cock sucked.
That sort of says that his loyalty depends on his needs at the time. He would crawl back...tell her that he made the biggest mistake of his life (that's you btw) - and get settled back into his chair...for so long as it takes for his head to be turned once again by an unhappy woman who thinks he's the answer to all her prayers.
He'll leave his wife again...because one thing he is IS right about, is that he doesn't love her. His interest lie soley in serving himself.
If you go on with this...YOU will be the wife next time.
You are quite right about your own husband btw. He sounds like he needs bodyswerving in a big way.
It's tough and it's complicated...but the only option which serves YOUR needs is to stay single.
Th OM is a sleeze. And you are a fool if you believe a single thing he says.
his dw knows everything (at least that's what hes told me)
He says he is divorcing his dw now.
He SAID he was separated years ago, didn't he ?
FFS grow a pair and for once do what is RIGHT. Your poor bloody kids. I totally agree with snorbs. I cant believe you don't see what a nightmare this will be for your DC's ...
Yes he says this, and he says that....he is a known liar, so you may not rely on anything he has to say!
How do you know his wife is willing to give him another chance? He could be saying that to make you feel mild threat so you must compete for him, or just simply he is desired elsewhere so you have a real catch.
For all you actually know, she is dancing a merry jig round the sitting room of his former home.
Whichever...he wants you to know that he has options doesn't he?
Loving we are equal shareholders in business. We have no physical relationship, have not slept together.
I could carry on with business if I leave dh. But I don't know if I can stay professional and not let him affect me emotionally.
This is a bit of a mess.
You must leave your husband. Absolutely. It's a toxic abusive relationship that has no future on any level, and I'd be out of there before the weekend is up. Don't suddenly become sentimental about your marriage now he's given you an ultimatum, it's been shit for years and will be shit for years to come if you stay, simply with more abuse.
Your OM is an arsehole too, so I would move into the house gladly and take that time to gather some normality for you and your children for a few months. Then try to get the rent in your name and find out about leaving the job.
Pictish, everything you say is what the little voice on my shoulder tells me.
He told me for years that he was separated and I believed him be sues I had no reason to think he was lying. He told me he didn't know about his wife being pregnant until she was around 8/9 months as she went back to her parents to live.
If he had been honest, I would have walked away. We only had a strong friendship. I never saw him outside work or anything like that. Although we talked all the time.
He says he's told her everything but she's still willing to take him back. I find that hard to believe. I think he has told her 'something' but not the full truth.
I used to really nag him to see his Dc and establish a good relationship with her. He always used to avoid starting divorce saying he would get round to it. I never ever encouraged him to do this btw. But as he had completely convinced me there was nothing there, I told him he had to at least let her move on.
Teeb yes it's a mess. I'm normally a rational calm organised person and I've just become the opposite.
It's taken 4years because I've just been too unsure of the right way to do things.
The house is sitting empty rent paid up. It doesn't make sense for me to find a new place and pay rent on that too.
But it's associated with om and if I'm to make a clean break from him, how can I do this.
Your also right about me getting sentimental about dh. We had good times before we married. Since then it's been downhill. I was practically invisible to him. He has never changed Dc nappy, fed him, bathed him, zero hw. No family time hols etc.
He only really changed a year ago.
And even if he never cheats on you, you will always be aware that he might. You will never be able to relax or trust him. Every woman's name that somes up more than once will make your skin prickle.
Every time he is late home.
Every time he seems furtive with his mobile phone.
Every time he seems elated, or overly affectionate.
You will think...'this is it - he's at it'.
The relationship is fucked before it starts tbh. That's why affairs are generally a bad idea for all concerned. No one really wins.
Move into the rented house of the OM. I don't mean continue the relationship with him, or at least....play your cards close to your chest. You owe him nothing, he's a massive tool so it doesn't really matter in the scheme of things if you 'use' him for a few months before you get yourself settled. I would ordinarily suggest a clean break, but I think it's more important for you right now to remove yourself from your husband than it is if poor little OM's feelings get hurt by thinking you are a done deal waiting for him. Besides, your lives are already intertwined with the business so you don't have the option of a clean break instantly.
Once you are in the new house you can start to plan your exit strategy from the OM, but it seems like too much to do in one all go.
Your husband sounds scary and I think your priority should be to get you and dc out of that environment. I would move into the rented house as a stop gap. Only stay there long term if you can get it put into your name.
If your business with om is successful, then I can't see any value in giving that up. Financial independence is important.
I think you can continue to work with om, but should seperate yourself emotionally - you know he is a liar. He has lied to his wife and to you and there is nothing to suggest this will ever change, so don't become the wife he cheats on.
Work in your business, take care of your dc, don't involve on in their lives and hopefully you will one day meet someone honest and you will be honest too.
Long term it would probably be better to not work with om, but now is not the time to give up a good job. Make that a long term goal if you struggle to have a business only relationship with om
So here's how I read this
You don't want to be with your DH anymore.
You don't want to be with OM because although you love him you know you can't trust him.
You don't want to be on your own.
I'm sure there is another option, like moving into a shared house or something but realistically you have to pick one of the above. Personally I think the only real option is to go it alone.
Even if you do choose to go ahead with OM you need to extract yourself from being in business with him. The chances of your relationship with him going tits up are high, you need to ensure that your job and income are not tied to him.
Is there anyway you can extract yourself from the business but continue doing the same work for yourself?
Pictish your right again. I will always be highly suspicious of anything om does. Ie we employ female staff and he's working late or 'out meeting clients' etc.
Teeb I'm considering what you have suggested. But the future is just so uncertain going forward. I told my parents everything and they think I should leave business and cut my losses. They say I can find work easily elsewhere which I know too, but being my own boss has really made a massive diff to me and dcs. I work completely around them and have very flexible hours. Can work from home too if I want.
Karma, dh does sound scary lol. He is a good person though at heart but obv he doesn't trust me now and won't let me out of his sight. We are complete opposites though and just never agree on anything. I know it's not his fault I've done this, but a massive part of me is full of resentment that for years he ignored me and when he's realised what he's done, he expected us to just carry on and start again. I was very young when I met dh, he was my first bf etc. married fairly young too. I've grown up alot though and we have both changed.
High jinx- I can do the work on my own but need alot of money to re invest and also having another partner really helps as he obtains the contacts and clients and I do all the office based work. I couldn't do it alone practically.
The only way to sort your life out and build your self-esteem is by doing it yourself. If its dependent on the love of someone else then you're not really sorting yourself out, you're just applying a sticking plaster so to speak. Honestly, I can't stress the importance of knowing its you that is mending yourself, rather than it being necessary to be with one of these two to make you happy. Either would be a 'rebound' at this moment.
The harsh truth is that the future you were hoping for simply doesn't exist. It never did.
You are in this mess because you have let yourself drift into it.
I suspect you are glad that your DH has given you an ultimatum of this weekend because it means that you can reassure yourself that it was his decision for you to leave.
And you are in danger of moving on to OM for the simple reason that you are too afraid to be alone.
What is it about being alone that frightens you so much?
Skaboy, what do you think I should do? Leave both and find another place or move into paid up house and do as teeb/pictish and others suggested and leave business slowly.
Btw thanks for all your replies. Really really means alot.
Well, you seem to have made a total mess of things.
Am I right in thinking that because he is very controlling and not very nice, you did not feel able to even contemplate leaving until you felt you had somebody to go it with? OM?
By the sounds of things, you should not stay with your husband. Move, continue with the business and see how things goes.
If you have ownership of the business together with him, you could still try distance yourself from OM emotionally while working with him. At least until you are more settled.
I think you need to accept the loss of your current job as part of the price tag of what you have done. You've built one business: get a fair price for your input and set up again for yourself.
You need to leave DH: you are not ready to recommit to him fully so there is no point and it would be desperately unfair on him. BTW I take his comment about not wanting you to work to be more of a cry of pain, and the removal of the opportunity to betray again, and this is a sign of how very much you would have to do to regain his trust. Unless you are wholeheartedly committed to reconciliation, there isn't a chance of working through it, and basically you don't want to.
OM sounds like a fairly shitty prospect.
Time to learn from experience, and make a choice. And as continuing any aspect of current set up seems doomed, whole new fresh start could be the best bet.
Quint, yes. I felt like I didn't have the guts to leave until om came along. Maybe I would have taken the chance with anyone who offered to hold my hand. I don't know. I don't know what to do about working with om.
Auntiestella, I get why dh doesn't want me to work. If I stay with him it's going to be a massive uphill struggle. I can't bear the thought of him touching me. It's not fair on him.
I just feel so so lost.
I think you should move into the house lined up for you.
Take it as it comes with OM and work. Just dont plan the next step yet!
Just concentrate on concluding the chapter that was your marriage first!
Skaboy, what do you think I should do?
Honestly, I can only relate my own experiences, but I have split from my wife, because of her affair. On splitting I made the concious decision to stay single and rebuild my life myself. This started with little things: seeing old friends, buying a bike, exercising more etc.
On the other hand my wife is in a relationship with this other guy (who also has a long term partner - not sure of the status of that, whether she knows or not etc)
Now over time, I have got progressively happy about being on my own, feeling more relaxed in my own skin and above all stronger for the big things in the future (ie divorce, custody, new life plans etc). Its been a struggle - I have had moments where I have melted down, but they are getting further and fewer.
My wife is saying she feels on the point of a nervous breakdown. I can't help her now, but have said she would do well to try and be single herself. She spends all her time away from the kids (we do shared parenting) with this other guy and has cut off all her friends. Mutual friends have told me they have tried to meet her, but she blows them out all the time. After a long relationship, surely the last thing you need is more complications? My life seems so more straightforward now to hers (it isn't straightforward in itself - just much more so than hers)
Don't know if that is helpful or not but best of luck with it
Quint I'm scared. I move in and then what.
I know I need to leave dh, it's not going to work for do many reasons. But I'm genuinely petrified.
You move in, and you live your life! Do your job, parent your kids, find a hobby, meet up with friends. Just BE, like Skaboy. Dont think too much.
You dont need to make any decisions about your job and your relationship with OM right away.
How long is the rent on your new house paid for?
You said OM was planning to move in with you at this new house in about a year.
If you take the house that gives you 12 months to distance yourself from the business, build up a life of your own before you have to make a choice about whether you want to live with OM. Is that possible?
But I'm genuinely petrified
Can you articulate what you are so petrified of exactly? I'm not saying that to belittle your fear, I know how paralysing fear can be.
If you can break this down into tiny steps then maybe you can overcome the fear.
You don't have to know all the answers to take the first step.
You need to just suck this shit up. I'm sorry but writing on a forum is great to get advice but you know what you need to do. Get up, leave both men and continue to work (for the foreseeable future) with OM but TOUGHEN up and just make it business. Dont allow your life to be controlled by a man. you have a place to move to, you're lucky! use that temporarily and move as soon as. Make this as easy as possible for your children and DH (no matter how shit you say he is, you have still cheated on him, you have no leg to stand on)
I agree with what has been said. You would be so much happier in the long run without either of these men.
I hope the om's wife is ok and kicks this liar out. What an arsehole.
Don't stay with your dh if he is controlling and abusive, leave him.
Another thing, if you do meet another man, please throughly check him out to make sure that he is single.
Ska boy thanks for your advice. It has helped. Your so right in that I need to make sure I build some kind of life for myself. I don't want to end up like your ex totally reliant on om.
Quint the rent is paid up for next year. It's a year to year lease.
Highjinx, I'm scared of regretting leaving dh. Of breaking up family. I'm scared he will be unreasonable with contact. Or that he will just make my life difficult. If I told you the kind of things he's done, you will be shocked.
I love- you are right. I need to toughen up. But I'm not tough. I'm terrified about no home no job no security. I'm not bothered about me. It's the dcs I'm worried for. I'm doing this for their sake, they have a miserable home life.
Simplesusan- oms wife wants to give him another chance. I don't know whether she knows the full story.
And yes. IF I ever want to go near a man again. I will def be doing full checks this time. I've learnt a very hard lesson. I was very gullible.
Look, you have a job, and a house lined up for you. Move, build a life, and see where it takes you!
The option is to totally under your husbands thumb, at home all day, with no job. And you will never hear the end of it, regards the affair, and how he kind-heartedly took you under his wings, despite your deceit.
Quint, I don't think dh would bring it up unless we argued etc and he said it in anger.
But I would feel so guilty and ashamed the whole time. He's not a bad person, but def has questionable characteristics.
Before om, I was very unhappy but I just got on with things. It was me and Dc all day every day.
Om gave me a shoulder to cry on and obv attention which I so desperately wanted at that point.
My family are telling me to give it another go with dh. He's willing to forgive me and give me a chance so I should take it. I should do what's best for kids and maybe in time I will grow to love dh again.
I'm in a horrible mess.
Join the discussion
Please login first.