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Interested or not sure?

(48 Posts)
jesscakes Thu 18-Apr-13 09:43:10

I need to know the difference between being scared of commitment or not interested. Its a very long story but I have met a guy that is holding back and I dont know where I stand, it all boils down to him being hurt and his wife leaving after 18 years, he is vey bitter 10 months on and is finding it hard rebuilding his life. Apparently Im good looking, he likes my company and has enjoyed our dates but cant quite put his finger on it. Im wondering what he means?

Stubbed56 Thu 18-Apr-13 09:45:17

To be honest, unless he's demonstrating fully that he wants to be with you then I wouldn't bother. Too many games & hassle. Could be exhausting.

dontyouwantmebaby Thu 18-Apr-13 10:15:15

agree with stubbed56 - don't waste your time any further. It's shouldn't be all about what he wants, what do you want OP?

"he can't quite put his finger on it" despite him saying you check all the boxes eg attractive/good company/fun to be with etc. Well how would he like it if this situation were reversed and you said that to him?

I don't know how long you've been together so maybe he feels 'pressured' too soon about a new relationship? Tbh his inability to let you know where you stand would and the fact he is holding back because he is bitter about his previous relationship not working out would have me just keeping him at arms length and doing what I wanted & be free to meet other people.

Leverette Thu 18-Apr-13 10:21:17

He's only ten months on from the split? He isn't going to be ready for a decent relationship for a long time.

Agree with Leverette.
It's too soon after his split.
If you are enjoying each others company and get on well then just carry on with casual dating for now.
But if you want something more then you need to move on.

MadBusLady Thu 18-Apr-13 15:10:16

Bin. You've been dating what, a few weeks, a couple of months? And already it's difficult and you're having to worry about whether he likes you or not and what he "means" by things.

He could just be not over his wife yet, or he could be someone who gets off on having women try to "mend" his broken heart. Doesn't really matter - either way, you're highly unlikely to have a good relationship with him.

jesscakes Thu 18-Apr-13 15:13:53

He has said he is scared after coming out of a long marriage and said he is bitter. He has actually text me first for the first time since we met which he never does and seems happier and more interested. I dont mind casual as my life is busy too but its nice to know that I have a chance of it developing other than not knowing when Im going to see him. Its only been ths and we have met 4 times, thats is very early on I know and I sound a bit nuts, its not that I want this guy to propose but I dont feel anything from it. Just thought when you meet someone something clicks and you want the other person to know your interested.
He says he misses the closeness of a relationship and cant wait to walk hand in hand with someone thats when he said he cant put his finger on how hes feeling. He really is a genuine guy and I feel sorry for how he is feeling but its not too nice for me. Thats why Iv come along to post cos I thought is it me wanting too much too soon.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 18-Apr-13 15:14:09

"Apparently Im good looking, he likes my company and has enjoyed our dates but cant quite put his finger on it. Im wondering what he means?"

It means 'I'm happy shagging but don't fence me in'.

jesscakes Thu 18-Apr-13 15:16:18

He also says its not his feeling for his wife he is bitter about its how she left him for someone else and took his life away, with his kids and hes had to start all over. Yeah its only been a few dates, but messages etc throughout. Mixed messages most of the time. I know its early but I never know whats going on.

jesscakes Thu 18-Apr-13 15:18:12

Hes not like that I knew of him before we met and he isnt after just that he just says he doesnt know how to deal with his feelings.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 18-Apr-13 15:22:12

He isn't ready. Keep things light or look elsewhere. Cool off and don't chase him.

jesscakes Thu 18-Apr-13 15:28:36

I have backed off and he has contacted me first today but I wont hold my breath, I have no clue when Im seeing him again. I just really like him and iv been dating long enough to see that the good guys are very few and far between.

AuntieStella Thu 18-Apr-13 15:45:21

It sounds like he is not ready for a relationship. You may be an ego boost to him. He may even be in the healing process. But as I assume you want to be something other than a nursemaid, you are going to remain frustrated.

jesscakes Thu 18-Apr-13 15:48:35

Ok thanks all, ok tell me. How long do you think he will be this way?

MadBusLady Thu 18-Apr-13 15:48:41

"He says he misses the closeness of a relationship and cant wait to walk hand in hand with someone thats when he said he cant put his finger on how hes feeling."

Ah, right. "It could be you who mends my ickle broken heart, but I'm not going to talk straightforwardly about it, just make you wonder..." No wonder you never know what's going on, that's how he likes it.

Now that you've backed off, he'll come on really strong. Until you feel safe and reciprocate, at which point he'll suddenly be "not sure about his feelings" again.

MadBusLady Thu 18-Apr-13 15:51:31

x-posts. Sorry, still think you should bin and not look back. I am just very cynical and very right today smile

MsWinnieBaygo Thu 18-Apr-13 15:52:21

He is completely emotionally unavailable and this kind of set up will just end up with you feeling more and more anxious with you never getting your needs met from this relationship. Trust me, I've been there.

You should never really have to question I depth if a man likes you/wants to be with you, if he does you'd just 'know'. The fact that be has said he's not really feeling it tells you all you need to know and you should walk away now.

I've had that before - guys on paper who should be perfect but I just wasn't feeling 'it'. Who knows what 'it' is - no chemistry, no being fully ready - regardless, walk away now and find a relationship, equal, two-sided, where the man is into you and you don't have to play games with yourself about who texts first etc

I was in a 'relationship' like this for 10 months or so and it ended up messing with my head and self esteem

jesscakes Thu 18-Apr-13 15:57:07

Oh really? I know what your all saying but I like him sad
What do I do explain all of this? How can I walk away when IV told him I want to see him again?

MsWinnieBaygo Thu 18-Apr-13 15:57:45

As another poster said, stop focussing on what he wants all the time. This will also make you come across as needy and as if he can do what he wants and you'll still be there waiting. Focus on what you want from a relationship. Is he meeting your needs? Does he make you happy? If not, why are you still there?

You have to assess this in accordance with the actual reality not how you think things could be like if he would change, be more interested etc.

Baggage Reclaim is a good website to look at as by his own admittance, he just isn't that into you. That probably won't change tbh.

jesscakes Thu 18-Apr-13 16:00:59

I ask myself this and at the moment he doesnt make me feel that great as he doesnt seem too interested but when Im with him I am happy and he ticks many of my boxes whereas Iv never experienced this before.

MadBusLady Thu 18-Apr-13 16:02:54

I think it's perfectly ok to just say "Actually sorry, I've been thinking it over and changed my mind. I don't think this is going to work for me." You're not obliged to explain yourself too much when it's only been a few dates.

You do have to mean it though. smile

(And if on the offchance he is genuine and just getting over his marriage, if he emerges from the fog a few months down the line and thinks "I was an idiot with jesscakes", he'll know where to find you. But don't tell him that, obviously!)

MadBusLady Thu 18-Apr-13 16:04:19

I hear what you're saying about ticking boxes. Trouble is he doesn't tick the really big important box of being properly, openly interested in you.

Branleuse Thu 18-Apr-13 16:05:04

hes not that into you

jesscakes Thu 18-Apr-13 16:06:43

Thanks MadBusLady this is the thing, I want him to think that so shall I date him a little more to let him see how amazing I am haha just kidding but I am a genuine person with alot to give and try to look after mself with great goals in life. Do I need him to get to know me better or do I end it now. I know its only been a few dates but we have both opened up alot and I know of him and my sister knows him as a lovely guy and everyone tells me how lovely he is.

jesscakes Thu 18-Apr-13 16:07:42

So even though he is still hurting and finds it hard after 18 years of marriage, he really isnt in to me?

MadBusLady Thu 18-Apr-13 16:10:09

well if he's lovely I guess the obvious question is, why is making you feel insecure? Why do you feel on the backfoot, and like you have to jump through hoops and demonstrate your worth to him?

jesscakes Thu 18-Apr-13 16:10:44

My friend came out of a very long marriage and acted the same as him to this lovely guy and this guy was patient and they are now madly in love she just found all the emotions hard at first.

MadBusLady Thu 18-Apr-13 16:12:07

Go for it then, and see what happens. My prediction stands.

jesscakes Thu 18-Apr-13 16:12:29

Yeah you are right. He is aware of what hes doing and apologises for it. I just thought when someone likes you they make you feel it but then I wonder like I said in my last post can it grow?

LippiPongstocking Thu 18-Apr-13 16:13:40

He is hurting and finds it hard after 18 years of marriage. It is entirely possible that as a result (just a few months after his breakup) that he CAN'T be that into you.

If he wanted to be with you, he'd be with you. End of.

MsWinnieBaygo Thu 18-Apr-13 16:13:45

Tbh the only person who can tell you if he is into you is him. Ask him.

The fact that he has said he just isn't feeling it indicates to me that he isn't into in that way. Ask him what he meant when he said that.

MadBusLady Thu 18-Apr-13 16:19:27

Can it grow? I'm sure one time in a 1000 it can, if the guy IS genuine (and I'm not convinced of that, he sounds like he's dangling stuff in front of you for kicks to me). It just depends how long you want to wait around hoping that you'll be the lucky exception, all the time getting more and more enmeshed and committed to the idea, and as a result all the more miserable if/when it finally doesn't work out. I don't think the first few months dating should feel like that, who needs it?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 18-Apr-13 16:27:49

"he is very bitter"

That alone means that you really need to walk away.

You can't be with someone who is carrying bitterness about, it will make any sort of decent relationship impossible. What if he takes out his bitterness on you?

I think it would be wise to back off and tell him to look you up when he has managed to let go of his anger and bitterness.

Dahlen Thu 18-Apr-13 16:32:36

No one is saying he's a player necessarily. He may well be a lovely guy and well-suited to you. None of that changes the fact that at 10 months post a bitter break up from his wife he is nowhere near ready for a new emotional commitment.

Many people start dating that soon after becoming single. Men, it seems, more so than women and in a much shorter timeframe (possibly because fewer have childcare commitments constraining them). It means that a lot of people only have a small window when they are available and for that reason it's tempting to grab with both hands when you find someone who is generally lovely.

But - and it's a BIG but - ask yourselves why someone so soon out of a LTR is dating. It's usually someone's way of proving to themselves that they are still desirable, that they're over it, etc. That doesn't make them ready for it, and he's actively telling you that this is the case.

IRL, relationships rarely conform to the ideal. They often start in less-than-auspicious circumstances. It's tempting to normalise this and think it'll all work out. But personally I think that's part of the reason why more relationships fail than succeed. The ones that tend to work out are the ones where people have taken time to process the mistakes made in their last relationship and learn from them before embarking on a new one.

If you really like this guy, back off from him and tell him to contact you in another 6 months time during which he's remained single.

Agree with ImtooHecsy - if he really feels so bitter and hurt about his ex was it really fair to start a relationship with you? He's not in the right frame of mind and I think he's being a bit selfish there. He could also be just using it as an excuse not to get involved, but still gets to sleep with women, and they end up getting messed up thinking more was on offer.

jesscakes Thu 18-Apr-13 16:44:09

I have said to him I feel myself I know how to succeed in a relationship more so than first time round as you can see how things may of gone wrong, and had time to process and he agreed and said he definitely knows how to be different next time round.
I asked him what he meant and he said about me ticking the boxes but cant quite put his finger on why he cant commit a little more, he said its not me.
It is like I dont want to let go cos it is like Im holding onto something that I feel could be, because he is lovely unlike anyone else I have met.
Ok Im scared to text him this now cos I know he will say ok he understands

jesscakes Thu 18-Apr-13 16:55:43

I have said if hes emotionally and physically not ready then he shouldnt be dating, the next day he deleted himself from the dating site. his was tuesday and I saw him monday, since he is a little bit nicer via texts. Thats how we met although he lives in the same town as me and I know of him

MsWinnieBaygo Thu 18-Apr-13 17:08:14

He was still on the dating site after 4 months until the start of this week? Nope, he's definatley not into you and sounds as if he was wanting to have his cake and eat it.

jesscakes Thu 18-Apr-13 17:13:23

No 2 months off now and said he has had a good think and he shouldnt be on there and then said actually Iv been having a think alot today, then has been nicer to me through texts.
Im not a mug and dont wanna come across as one, just trying to understand

OK, he may be a relatively nice man who is simply still messed up over the end of his marriage, and is dating you to prove to himself that he's still desirable. But he could just as easily be a woman-hating shitbag whose aim is to have you (and any other woman he dates) constantly fretting about what he really wants, what he really means, and could you possibly be the one to win his lurrrve? It sounds a bit like a power trip to me: the idea that you should spend all your time trying to win this 'prize' of commitment from him rather than wondering if it's actually worth the bother in the first place.
Bin and move on. Life is too short to focus on a relationship that's difficult from the beginning.

Mind you, after a few months, it's OK not to be making commitments anyway. It's possible he's simply being honest about the fact that he doesn't want anything more than a bit of fun and a shag or two. However, OP, what do you want? If it is a serious relationship you're after, he's not offering it so move on.
If you decide to hang in there and try to persuade him to commit, then any distress you suffer when he refuses to do so and/or walks away will be at least partly your own fault.

jesscakes Thu 18-Apr-13 17:31:11

I want to feel like Im worth someones company. Im busy with life in general and my children so cant commit 100% and to be honest is scares me moving on to the next level of introducing kids etc but I know I wont do that until Im 100% ready. I just want to spend time with someone, not every day but enough time, every other weekend. So Im not asking for much really. Im not looking to move anyone in for sure. Just to feel like Im worth giving a chance and to be made to feel that way. He has said we will go out again and hasnt said when and from passed experience hasnt contacted me its me contacting him. I make all the effort. Do you know what your all right, when Im typing I can see that Im holding onto something that I myself dont even know if I will want more from him a few months down the line so yes is it all worth it. Is he worth it? I just know its hard to find genuine guys with good morals etc. I have to say though he definitely isnt a player or someone that dates alot, this Iv heard from my sister who knows him. He keeps busy through work exercise and goes out with his couple friends.

jesscakes Thu 18-Apr-13 17:33:34

He isnt offering it is he? How long will I be waiting til he is. I guess its better to be alone than feel this way.

MsWinnieBaygo Thu 18-Apr-13 19:44:42

No, he's not offering it. How will you have to wait - how long is a piece of string.

You can only base your decision on the current reality not some future fantasy of what you hope you will be like. At the moment he is offering you crumbs of his attention and making you feel insecure, anxious and unhappy.

Explain to him what you would like and if he says he can't offer you it, move on.

Viviennemary Thu 18-Apr-13 19:51:49

Trying to see it from his point of view. Ten months out of an eighteen year relationship isn't very long. If he is kind and considerate is that enough for you at the moment without expecting some sort of commitment. I wouldn't write him off just yet. I'd be more wary of the type that declares undying love after about a week and then another week later you don't see them for dust!

jesscakes Thu 18-Apr-13 20:56:16

This is what Iv experienced every time. Yeah he is kind and considerate but doesnt make much effort. I do feel anxious and insecure th it but I wonder if everybody does at first

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Thu 18-Apr-13 21:06:40

I am sorry, I don't think you float his boat.

You should both be in the exciting honeymoon period now, not unhappy and insecure.

Do you think he is still in love with his ex-wife?

jesscakes Thu 18-Apr-13 21:17:17

He says no. I believe him.

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