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What do i do?

(194 Posts)
pedrohedges Tue 16-Apr-13 22:39:51

Hi all!

Oh took it upon himself to walk out of his job a year ago, for no particular reason other than he just didn't want to do it anymore.
It was good money, good hours and practically on our doorstep.

Luckily i had a little part time job and my boss increased my hours for me when another member of staff left. We also have 3 children so my wage and our tax credits are keeping us afloat...just. He still expects rump steak for his tea though ffs!

My problem is that he's turned lazy. He still thinks that i should take the kids to school, clean, wash his clothes etc.. Well i've had about as much as i can take from him.

I'm being bullied awfully at work at the moment and my home life is just as bad. I just don't know what the heck to do.

The straw that broke the camels back happened today.
I sorted the kids out, got them sent to school, went to work. I gave him a call around 11am to ask if he could put some washing on the line for me. He couldn't because he was playing golf!!! fucking golf!!!
I came home on my dinner and had to make him a sandwich, while he just laid there on my laptop watching the sky tv that i work damn hard for. It's really starting to grate.

He does no housework at all, he calls me in work telling me to do things for him and that drives my boss mental.

Tonight i asked him if i could watch my program on tv and he stomped off to bed in a mood. Arghhhh i don't know what the hell to do!!??

lowercase Tue 16-Apr-13 22:53:24

That reads like a joke.
I hope it is.

So, he's taking everything, and bringing nothing on any level...
Kick him out.

thatstripedthing Tue 16-Apr-13 22:56:20

Get rid. Because there is nothing in it for you. Respect yourself - he certainly doesn't!

pedrohedges Tue 16-Apr-13 22:57:12

He told me that he wants the house painted and decorated, cleaned so it's spotless so it's a fresh start for us all. Then he will start helping with the cleaning. Until then i have to do it myself.

pedrohedges Tue 16-Apr-13 22:58:10

His mum is telling me to leave him alone, he's depressed apparently hmm

EvenBetter Tue 16-Apr-13 22:58:35

You didn't 'have' to make him a sandwich, you don't have to finance, clean up after or service this freeloader. It sounds like he contributes nothing except hassle and as posters here often say-your children will be learning things from this 'relationship' such as a woman's role is to do EVERYTHING and to sulk and tantrum rather than behave in a civilised manner. Is this real? I can't believe people live like this sad

mcmooncup Tue 16-Apr-13 22:59:25

cock lodger
eject

pedrohedges Tue 16-Apr-13 22:59:46

Yes it is real, it hasn't always been like this. Just this past year. He's just gone all weird.

AlfalfaMum Tue 16-Apr-13 23:00:41

Start by not making his bloody sandwich, you do not 'have to' FFS.
Also, don't ask of you can watch you're program, just say I'm going to watch x now.
He doesn't get to be boss. This applies regardless of who is or isn't working.

Tell him to bugger off to his mum's.

Cancel Sky.

Don't make him any more sandwiches.

Cherriesarelovely Tue 16-Apr-13 23:03:45

Bloody hell. That is bad. You will either have to leave him or start not doing things for him. Maybe by putting your foot down you will motivate him to do something for himself. It sounds grim.

pedrohedges Tue 16-Apr-13 23:03:47

He has this caveman attitude at the moment, i don't know what the heck has gotten into him.

AnyFucker Tue 16-Apr-13 23:03:52

Leave the bastard

Obviously

wonderingagain Tue 16-Apr-13 23:05:43

I can't believe I'm reading this.

'Until then i have to do it myself.' Erm no you don't.

Either you go on strike and stop this mollycoddling or I think you should walk out of your job so you can stay at home and do the things he should be doing. When the Sky telly and broadband is cut off he'll possibly get off his arse.

CharlieUniformNovemberTango Tue 16-Apr-13 23:05:46

Well since his mum is so concerned for her poor little bunny send him her way.

Honestly - you are worth more then this!

Ogooglebar Tue 16-Apr-13 23:06:16

I don't understand...why do you have to do all these things - look after the kids, cook, clean, while he's not working? Was there every any discussion of him doing the house/kids stuff instead of work? Is he looking for work? I am confused

pedrohedges Tue 16-Apr-13 23:06:54

I can't walk away from my job, i need it to feed my kids.

BettySuarez Tue 16-Apr-13 23:07:24

I'm struggling to believe that this is true?

If it is then you need to ask him to leave immediately.

I wouldn't want to even try salvaging a marriage like that

pedrohedges Tue 16-Apr-13 23:08:25

No Ogooglebar. He's not interested in looking for a job. He said he's had enough of the daily grind and he's going to think of himself for awhile.
He's really bright and can do anything if he put his mind to it.

BettySuarez Tue 16-Apr-13 23:09:19

You are a single mum already to be honest. His presence bring nothing to your relationship and he clearly has no respect for you sad

pedrohedges Tue 16-Apr-13 23:09:40

Betty, yes it is true. If i was going to lie i think i'd make up a better one.

Ogooglebar Tue 16-Apr-13 23:09:45

He doesn't sound bright, he sounds like an absolute dick. Why do you feel you have to act like a doormat for him?

Ogooglebar Tue 16-Apr-13 23:11:00

To answer your OP - kick him out.

Unless he has some major redeeming features?

pedrohedges Tue 16-Apr-13 23:11:25

It's really strange how he has changed. We used to pitch in together and have a great family life. Now he's turned into this. He's also put on over 6 stone.

pedrohedges Tue 16-Apr-13 23:11:54

Ogooglebar, i love him. I feel torn.

LemonPeculiarJones Tue 16-Apr-13 23:12:02

He's useless. Fucking useless. Selfish, rude, demanding, unloving.

And yes he sounds stupid, too - no reasoning person would behave like this.

Just get rid of him. He's contributing nothing. Kick him out.mor you're a fool.

BadSpellersUntie Tue 16-Apr-13 23:12:10

Are you completely insane woman?

LemonPeculiarJones Tue 16-Apr-13 23:12:40

*or

Casmama Tue 16-Apr-13 23:13:49

Has he said he is depressed and if so has he seen a doctor?
You have to make it very clear to him that this can't continue- where does he get the money for golf fgs.
If he is not depressed then he needs to know that he is nothing but a drain on your finances and unless he starts pulling his weight and properly looking for a job then he can fuck off.

Ogooglebar Tue 16-Apr-13 23:15:18

Wow, OP, I think he needs to get some kind of help, but you don't have to put up with living your life like this either.

wonderingagain Tue 16-Apr-13 23:15:28

My dp was made redundant two years ago. He does everything he possibly can to find work and even though he has lots of hobbies and can keep himself busy, he would NEVER put himself before his need to provide for his children.

There's something very wrong if he wants to put himself first.

Casmama Tue 16-Apr-13 23:15:28

Has he put on 6 stone in a year!!

Cherriesarelovely Tue 16-Apr-13 23:15:42

No wonder he has a sense of inertia! 6 stone? Seriously?? Sorry, not being rude but that is alot. Maybe he ought to visit the Dr.

Send him back to mummy.
You'll do just fine without him.
And stop pandering.

pedrohedges Tue 16-Apr-13 23:17:44

I can't do it on my own, i'd fail. I know i would.
I'm not educated, i have no confidence in myself.

Casmama Tue 16-Apr-13 23:18:02

I agree with those saying he should see a doctor. Part of that may need to be you putting your foot down and telling him that things can't continue the way they are.
How does he react when you tell him how unhappy you are?

pedrohedges Tue 16-Apr-13 23:18:52

Yes 6 stone. He's not himself at all. I have tried to get him to the doctor, begged and pleaded with him but he won't.

wonderingagain Tue 16-Apr-13 23:19:13

Pedro if you do leave him wait until you are SAHM again otherwise he will have residence - that's why I suggested you give up your job.

It is possible that he's depressed but that would be all the more reason to make sure you have main carer status. Be careful.

Casmama Tue 16-Apr-13 23:19:21

What do you mean fail? It sounds like you are doing it on your own,he just lives there too and spends your money!

pedrohedges Tue 16-Apr-13 23:20:16

Casmama he tells me to sod off and stop nagging.
He's constantly eating food that needs to last the week, he sleeps all the time too.

Ogooglebar Tue 16-Apr-13 23:20:19

But OP you are doing it all now - you are supporting your family and caring for your children (and your currently useless DH). You CAN do it, who cares how educated you are. He needs to get off his arse and get help or sort himself out because he's treating you like crap.

serin Tue 16-Apr-13 23:21:08

I think he sounds ill.

If he has got depression telling him to shift his arse or pull himself together is not going to help.

He needs to see a doctor as soon as.

pedrohedges Tue 16-Apr-13 23:21:34

Wonder seriousy! I never even thought about that confused I couldn't risk loosing my kids.

You think you'd fail but actually you're doing far, far more than he is now.

What do you thiunk he contributes to your family life that you couldn't manage yourself?

ImperialBlether Tue 16-Apr-13 23:22:37

But you are doing it on your own! Not only that, you're doing his work, too!

Have you any idea how lovely it is to be on your own, without that dead weight pulling you down?

His mother says he's depressed? What about you? It's a wonder you're not hurling yourself off a cliff, having to live with him! She should be apologising for him and giving him a bloody good talking to, not telling you to just put up with it.

BriansBrain Tue 16-Apr-13 23:22:46

Is he depressed?

he does need to be making his own sandwiches though

wonderingagain Tue 16-Apr-13 23:23:31

Sorry if I was a bit blunt about it. It's clear you haven't thought about it as you love and trust(ed) him. It doesn't look good from here.

I'd get advice on the residence of the kids, I'm not sure giving up work is necessarily the best idea. Working mothers get residence too.

wonderingagain Tue 16-Apr-13 23:25:22

Even if the father stays at home?

And it sounds like you'd possibly manage your workplace issues better without having him to drag you down.

NeverMindOhWell Tue 16-Apr-13 23:27:10

Cancel the Sky, turn off the heat at home during the day (if he's anything like my DH he won't know how to switch it back on!), cook only for yourself and kids. Comandeer 2 nights a week where you go out to do something YOU want to do, make him babysit. Do you have a joint bank account? Where is he getting the money to play Golf? Refuse his calls at work. If its urgent he can get a message to you. If he really is depressed he needs professional help, it won't just go away.

pedrohedges Tue 16-Apr-13 23:27:23

Wonder, if i gave up work i wouldn't be able to claim any benefits. My kids are aged 7 upwards. That's what i thought anyway.

I want to fight for my family, for my OH. I'm hoping he's just in a rut and will snap out of it. He used to be lovely. His weight gain doesn't bother me (other than the effect on his health).

I'm absolutely not an expert wonder so that's why I suggested getting advice.

As I see it, it's more about quality of care rather than who's got a job or not. Jobs can change, parents attitudes / behaviour less so. Whether kids would be in childcare or not I don't think would be taken into account.

pedrohedges Tue 16-Apr-13 23:35:32

I feed, clothe, bath, sort them for school and put them to bed at night. He has recently been picking them up from school so i can do extra hours.

UnrequitedSkink Tue 16-Apr-13 23:36:32

What do you think he'd say if you offered him an ultimatum - either shape up or ship out?

First off, even if you're not ready to LTB, you HAVE to stop enabling him. Don't do the things he asks, and start making demands about the domestic chores. Does he think he's ill btw?

pedrohedges Tue 16-Apr-13 23:39:14

Unrequited. He thinks he's fine, he just doesn't care anymore, especially about the way he looks.

If you are the primary carer (school see you for school run, you do bedtime, lunches, weekend care etc...) then you will get residence even if you are working.

If your kids are 7 and up they can also be vocal about who is caring for them (and who they want to be with).

If he loves you and his family he will seek help for depression or cease being a lazy arse. You need to tell him in no uncertain terms he either goes to GP and starts treatment or he can get lost.

Get legal advice ASAP. The CAB can be helpful in assessing any further financial benefits you may be entitled too if you were a lone parent. Remember you can get childcare help via tax credits and reduced council tax if you are the only adult in the property.

CookieDoughKid Tue 16-Apr-13 23:39:52

Show him the door. And let's see how he tries to come crawling back and get back in your good books. Especially that he hasn't got a job at the moment. This is unacceptable treatment the way you are being treated. If you do nothing, you are saying this is acceptable to him.

CookieDoughKid Tue 16-Apr-13 23:40:33

BTW- I did that to my partner. And boy did he do a complete turnaround (for the better).

CookieDoughKid Tue 16-Apr-13 23:43:18

Oh forgot to add, my partner also claimed 'depression'. But it's bullshit really because he saw in the cold light of day he had lost his family, had no money, no where to live and really, how life could really really be shit for him. And THEN he turned himself around trying to win me back, got a good job etc...

UnrequitedSkink Tue 16-Apr-13 23:44:46

Exactly - at the moment he hasn't got any reason to change because you're taking care of all aspects of his life for him. Stop doing it (preferably by kicking him out!) and he'll either do a turnaround, or if he doesn't you're no worse off because he's never going to change!

You poor thing though. I do really feel bad for you.

cestlavielife Tue 16-Apr-13 23:50:04

Are you married ?

Either he is depressed IN which case gp and go stay with mum til he better as he not doing anything round house
Or he lazy and the same he needs to go elsewhere
Or a bit of both.

If he says he is fine then he has no excuse for not doing anything.

Working has little to Do withith residence you are the one feeding clothing caring for the dc.

pedrohedges Tue 16-Apr-13 23:56:46

No not married.
His mum and dad (divorced) don't help situations. They plonk themselves on my couch on my days off. FIL always asks me to put the kettle on, never OH which annoys me.

MIL tells me that i should be supportive of OH's hobbies as he needs an outlet. Apparently he supported me for years, pfftt i worked too!

skyebluesapphire Wed 17-Apr-13 00:19:12

He does actually sound depressed but he needs to get help for it.

Stop pandering to him and give him some tough love.

There is no excuse for not finding work though, we would all like time to ourselves wouldn't we?! But we all have to work and so does he.

Make an appointment for the doctor and go with him.

YellowTulips Wed 17-Apr-13 00:27:26

If he wants to behave like a child send him to his mum to pander to him.

Depressed my arse. Waster more like.

He needs to step up or ship out.

Nothing much worse on having actual kids who deserve your attention being squandered on a partner who thinks he is entitled to behave like one. He is simply put a selfish bastard.

pedrohedges Wed 17-Apr-13 01:20:11

Well, i'm on the couch tonight! Not amused at all.

wonderingagain Wed 17-Apr-13 01:36:13

Why isn't he? What happened??

wonderingagain Wed 17-Apr-13 01:37:53

Did you mean you are sleeping on the couch?

pedrohedges Wed 17-Apr-13 01:47:58

I tried to talk to him, he said i don't own him and to stop trying to control him. Apparently i'm destroying his life.

I can't sleep next to him tonight. My decision.

wonderingagain Wed 17-Apr-13 01:54:45

Oh that's horrible for you. You must be shell shocked.

wonderingagain Wed 17-Apr-13 01:57:08

Do you have a plan? Apart from working all day to fund his golf and Sky?

pedrohedges Wed 17-Apr-13 02:06:02

I have no idea where to go from hear. I'm heart broken.

pedrohedges Wed 17-Apr-13 02:10:21

*here

hexagonal Wed 17-Apr-13 05:52:41

Hi OP, I'm in a similar situation myself at the moment, except we have no kids. my DP hasn't had a job since we moved in together (2 years). whenever I try to bring it up with him it turns into an argument or he just ignores me. he does do quite a lot around the house though. I am also out of work at the moment but am trying really hard to find something, anything.

he is having treatment for depression but it's not making much of a difference. I am on ADs as well but not having counselling like he is, and I have horrible anxiety. I know he's having problems but can't help but feel resentful. I really don't want us to break up over this but the longer this goes on the more resentful I feel and can't see any other way out sad

Lavenderhoney Wed 17-Apr-13 06:06:02

I would ensure that your boss refuses personal calls at work unless its an emergency.

Stop running round after him, open a separate bank account and put your money into it. Stop funding his golf.

Who is doing all the redecorating and painting? Are you expected to pay for it or do it at weekends?

And tell him unless he goes to the doctor with you and shapes up he has to go, a year? You have much more patience than me.

Was he sacked or did he resign? Do you know for sure?

whyno Wed 17-Apr-13 06:23:14

If he's only been like his for a year he sounds like he's clinically depressed. Perhaps try getting him help before kicking him out since its out of character? If he won't accept help then an ultimatum, or a separation until he does get help?

2712 Wed 17-Apr-13 06:31:24

Wow, I thought mine was a plank, but yours is atrocious.
He has obviously picked up his fathers habits and he expects you to act the same way his mum does by the sounds of it. Your DCs will also see this and will follow this pattern in later life, so you are doing them no favours by staying.
If you do want to make a go of it then cancel the SKY, sell his golf clubs ( I did), stop cleaning up after him, don't even make him (or his parents when they come over to doss) a cup of tea. You basically need to act as though it's just you and the DCs. I did this and he very soon got the message.
Personally, I can't see what there is in him to love anymore as he so obviously has no respect for you whatsoever and sounds like an entitled overindulged teenager.

AllOverIt Wed 17-Apr-13 06:40:39

Why are you on the sofa and not him? You are enabling this behaviour. You have a choice whether to put up with this.

Kick him out.

Oh I do hope you've not had a shit night on the sofa! Would he move out for a trial separation if you asked him, or just grind his heels in?

wonderingagain Wed 17-Apr-13 11:07:59

Morning Pedro. I hope you have a good day at work and get a chance to get some advice from a solicitor about your rights. I think the best way to get past this is as Splodger says, get him to move out for a trial separation. That will cause minimum disruption. He will hopefully settle in with his Mum and Dad again. I'm sure there will be others here soon to advise you who have been through this.

Try and save your tears for when he's gone - you need to keep it together until then. Try to detach and be business like.

pedrohedges Wed 17-Apr-13 14:03:49

Hi all. I slept quiet well considering. Today is my day off and i have a poorly DC. OH is also poorly fast asleep on the couch.

Our home is HA and both our names are on the tenancy. He wouldn't move out even if i wanted him to. I just want him to help out, if he wants me to be the bread winner then that's ok. But i shouldn't have to do everything on my own.

wonderingagain Wed 17-Apr-13 14:15:59

Glad you are OK. I hope he's got something deserving of sleeping on the couch at 2pm...

pedrohedges Wed 17-Apr-13 14:18:32

I don't want to be a single mum. The thought terrifies me.

Of your list upthread, the only thing that he does at the moment that you can't cover is picking up the kids from school. Is there an after-school club or something they could join?

All the while that he know's you're scared of being a single mum, he'll play on that and keep doing bugger all. If you, at least in your head, can remove the practical obstecles to single life, then you'll have the confidence to confront him and either get him to do more stuff or get him to move out.

Maybe see what your options would be with the HA too if you were to split - could you have a 'hyprothetically if I did this...' sort of conversation with them?

You're not far off being a single mum as it is by the sounds of it, just with an extra child thrown in.

AnyFucker Wed 17-Apr-13 14:28:02

What's wrong with being a single mum ?

pedrohedges Wed 17-Apr-13 14:28:28

He just said everything i say is poo, my opinions are poo.
I'm gutted, he's made me feel small.

foofooyeah Wed 17-Apr-13 14:28:56

Like someone else said I though my blooke was bad until I read this. What advice would you give someone else if they were in your situation?

pedrohedges Wed 17-Apr-13 14:29:43

Anyfucker, i think i would stuggle. He walked out and left us years ago and i had a breakdown. I don't want to go through that again. It was horrendous.

AnyFucker Wed 17-Apr-13 14:29:55

I would rather be on my own forever than have to listen to bollocks like that.

pedrohedges Wed 17-Apr-13 14:30:25

Foofoo i would probably tell them to leave. I'm not strong enough in the head for that.

pedrohedges Wed 17-Apr-13 14:31:04

I don't know, i have a lot of thinking to do. I feel like my life as i know it is destroyed.

wonderingagain Wed 17-Apr-13 14:31:26

Not only an extra child, an extra Mum and Dad thrown in who sit on the couch all day with him while you are at work.

Could you theoretically 'be together' but just not live together? He would claim benefit anyway (and possibly get re-housed) and if his depression is diagnosed he might get some kind of extra support.

My concern is that children growing up in a household with mental illness will suffer and even though he is their Dad it may be better for them that he sees them when he is well rather than them seeing him flat out on the sofa all day.

Have you never considered leaving? Is your relationship very strong?

AnyFucker Wed 17-Apr-13 14:31:51

Love, you need to gather lots of RL support from family and friends to help you through it.

What's so bad about being without a man ?

He's a useless piece of shit, so no good to you whatsoever. Every day you absorb emotional abuse like that you get more downtrodden.

Your children are going to start on you soon, with an example like that to follow.

wonderingagain Wed 17-Apr-13 14:33:31

Sorry my post is a bit late. What happened when he left you?

pedrohedges Wed 17-Apr-13 14:37:47

He thinks i'm being a drama queen. I feel like thumping him ( i never would) .
He doesn't understand that now he's unemployed, their isn't enough money. He still thinks we can pay all the bills, spend £150 at Tesco's! We bloody can't!

It's not just his mum and dad who pop round constantly. His 3 brothers and sister do too. They're always here when i get back shattered from work. Then they expect me to wait on them hand and foot.

Mil has to stick her head in my tea and breath it in! Wtf is that about?

I should point out that OH has recently been making the family tea, that's one good point about him.

pedrohedges Wed 17-Apr-13 14:39:28

Wonder, i suspect i had pnd and i acted like a mare. He left for 6 months until i begged him to come back. Our relationship became strong.
Now this sad

AnyFucker Wed 17-Apr-13 14:42:38

No

No relationship where you have to "beg" can ever be strong.

pedrohedges Wed 17-Apr-13 14:44:53

His mother doesn't like me, she has never said this but it is obvious.
She's very middle class and stuck up her own backside, i on the other hand am working class through and through. I suspect she's ashamed of me.
She always corrects me if i don't pronounce my T's when speaking. Even in front of company which upsets me.

pedrohedges Wed 17-Apr-13 14:45:19

I know Anyfucker, it was a low point for me.

But you haven't got pnd now, right?

And you're far stronger than you realise - you've put up with your DH being like this for this long and not lost it yet!

Are you happier when he's not there, when he pops out or goes away?

pedrohedges Wed 17-Apr-13 14:48:42

Noi haven't got in now, i think i might be depressed because i cry at the drop of a hat and everything seems to be the end of the world for me.

I feel the same if he's here or out, i dunno. i'm confused.

pedrohedges Wed 17-Apr-13 14:49:42

Sorry, i have to pop out for a minute and collect my kids from school. Thank you for all your replies x

AnyFucker Wed 17-Apr-13 14:50:30

Doe she ever stick up for you when his mother treats you like shit ?

I guess not. I can see where he gets his cunty ways from.

It doesn't change the fact though that he has no right to speak to you like this. He is damaging your children by treating their mother badly, and I am sorry love, but you are going along with it.

AnyFucker Wed 17-Apr-13 14:50:40

does he

pedrohedges Wed 17-Apr-13 14:51:39

She does it to him too, he's had 36 years of it.

PatriciaHolm Wed 17-Apr-13 14:52:13

You are essentially a single parent anyway, with another man-baby as well!

Your life could only be easy without him, surely, as well as financially better off, and with no nasty inlaws.

bleedingheart Wed 17-Apr-13 14:53:08

He is an absolute disgrace.

You clearly can do it alone because you are managing now. Who has told you these messages that you are incapable, small, not educated etc? Was it him by any chance?? He has made a decision that affects the whole family and is not prepared to discuss it or support you. I am absolutely disgusted by his selfish behaviour.

Pedro, you obviously love him although its hard to see why. I think he has to have an ultimatum. Mummy can put him up if he doesn't like it.

This simply isn't sustainable.

MsBuzz Wed 17-Apr-13 14:57:26

maybe his mum would like him back??

wonderingagain Wed 17-Apr-13 15:00:17

OK, you are in a situation with a man who is middle class and according to what you say very smart but his mother and therefore probably his siblings look down on you. That's nothing too unusual but the fact that they are hanging about during the day is far from normal.

By all accounts his mother instigates the undermining and verbal nitpicking and you say she doesn't like you. It sounds as though his mother may be the root of his depression if she has such a hold on him. It may be that he needs to face her.

In the meantime however, your mental health is being put at risk. He may be depressed but his behaviour and his family's is putting you under further strain. As it is you must be exhausted. I think if you don't do something now you will be really trapped.

Perhaps you need to think about why you begged him to come back? Did you have any other friends or support (or MN)?

bleedingheart Wed 17-Apr-13 15:00:28

I'd missed your later posts about his mum.

He wasn't a great person until he gave up his job then was he? Leaving you when you had PND and making you beg for him to return? Allowing his mother to berate you and act like snob towards you?

I must admit I wanted to laugh at their ridiculousness in looking down on you for being working class. Do they think being middle class means they don't have to work?!
I wouldn't be at all surprised if you are depressed

wonderingagain Wed 17-Apr-13 15:07:15

I have experienced a similar situation which led to suicide (in the man) but nobody confronted the parents. I think the showdown needs to be with the parents and not with him. I think it would be wasted on him because he is also oppressed and nothing will change until his relationship with her changes.

I have a similar problem with DP and I refused to accept her behaviour (towards both of us, not just me) and faced up to it directly. DP supported me and we hardly see them now which suits us fine. When we do see them they are civilised.

wonderingagain Wed 17-Apr-13 15:08:12

I agree with bleedingheart that your depression is due to your relationship.

Custardmiteofglut Wed 17-Apr-13 15:41:14

Could you use the in-laws to your advantage and ask them to support you in a family intervention?

If MIL thinks he is depressed and his family have watched him gain 6 stone in a year from eating the food you've been working like a dog to provide then they'd struggle to argue with your motives to help him.

Speak to the ILs and ask them to come to your house and each of them explain their concerns about him and how they'd like him to help himself get better, lose weight and start to provide again for his DW and DC.

If his mental health issues can be tackled maybe he will turn a corner. Alternatively he (and maybe his family too) will say he is fine and he'll carry on being an arse and putting you down, which is not sustainable for you or your DC.

Lavenderhoney Wed 17-Apr-13 15:50:50

I'm not surprised you cry at the drop of a hat. The situation you are in is dreadful for you and your dc. The only one who can change it for the better is you. He isn't going to, and neither are his parents.

He won't see a doctor, yet carries on this circus, his mum says he's depressed and you must let him carry on, and they all sit round your house making you miserable and feel a failure.

Well you aren't, as you bring up all your dc alone, you hold down a job where you have a good relationship with your boss and you have the patience and tolerance of a saint. The last bit is only necessary round you dc in your case.

Could you go and see a solicitor and find out where you stand financially? With the house and so on? And call women's aid too, for practical advice. I wouldn't tell him. It's not up to him. In fact, the only other option is he clears off to his mums for a trial separation starting today. Which doesn't stop you getting legal advice and arranging pick up for the dc on the days you don't work.

Op, you are worth more than this, and are better off alone than with him. He is destroying yousad

AnyFucker Wed 17-Apr-13 15:53:33

I would be crying all the time if I lived like this sad

pedrohedges Wed 17-Apr-13 16:03:14

He doesn't understand what i do for this family! I work a job i hate, i scrub this house all the time, i even walk the streets delivering bloody leaflets so my daughter can have a maths tutor.

I'm getting angry now but i feel like crying too.

AnyFucker Wed 17-Apr-13 16:06:36

Why would he "understand" ?

he doesn't give a shit as long as you keep doing it

pedrohedges Wed 17-Apr-13 16:07:36

If i didn't do it, nobody would. Then the family would suffer.

AnyFucker Wed 17-Apr-13 16:09:00

Carry on doing it, for your kids, of course

Him ? Get shut of him, your life will be easier.

I don't think you are ready to hear it though. What frightens me, however, is just how badly does he have to treat you before you decide enough is enough ?

skaboy Wed 17-Apr-13 16:09:28

Really feel for you. I'm getting out of a similar situation with some mitigating circumstances. For years it built up until I pretty much had nothing left for myself. Selfish people will take and take if you let them. Don't let it go on too long - always keep back something of yourself. You're probably too good natured and forgiving for your own good.

pedrohedges Wed 17-Apr-13 16:11:10

We have been together for 16 years, he's all i know.

AnyFucker Wed 17-Apr-13 16:12:39

Your kids are all you need

Really.

You are used to the crapness, that is all. It's like changing an ingrained habit. You don't love him...you just think you can't manage.

But you can, and you should.

wonderingagain Wed 17-Apr-13 16:15:23

I think you may also be suffering from exhaustion. That will affect your mood too.

Remember also that if you do leave him you make space for simeone better - you won't be alone forever.

pedrohedges Wed 17-Apr-13 16:15:39

My kids are amazing. They keep me going. My 12 year old lad is nothing like his father, he's so kind and helpful.
He helps me with the housework and doesn't ask for anything. I'm so proud of all my kids.
My Oh is going to loose a lovely family who loves him.

pedrohedges Wed 17-Apr-13 16:16:36

His father did the same, he left MIL when her kids were small. He was lazy but worked. Now he's on his own, he's lonely and regrets leaving.

wonderingagain Wed 17-Apr-13 16:17:02

Typo. You don't have to shack up with a bloke named Simeon.

pedrohedges Wed 17-Apr-13 16:19:47

Wonder that made me laugh lol.

wonderingagain Wed 17-Apr-13 16:20:12

Perhaps deep down he wants to live life alone and he is actively pushing you away?

AnyFucker Wed 17-Apr-13 16:21:06

I knew a Simeon once.

he was < taps nose >

pedrohedges Wed 17-Apr-13 16:23:42

He wants me to be the housewife and the bread winner. He wants to play golf and watch tv all day.

He's eaten the kids pack lunch stuff, i'm fuming.

I hate to sound judgmental but a) you're a single parent anyway & I can tell you from experience that's whilst hard sometimes, it's nicer than being with someone like that & b) it's setting a god awful example of a 'healthy' relationship to your kids.

It's not about how long you've been together, but what you've got together & it doesn't sound like you've got much or ever will have with this man.

There's another life out there for you, you know. And it's a damn sight better than the one you're living right now

He's eaten their lunch stuff!? [shocked]

What on earth are you staying for? Surely this is ten times worse than being a bit lonely but very happy, with your self respect intact?

Jesus.

* shock I was so shocked that I couldn't do the proper face...

skaboy Wed 17-Apr-13 16:31:42

Yes, the thing you need to realise is that, you do everything now, so if he were to leave life would actually get more manageable. After a couple of months of being 'free' I have really realised how much I was being taken for a mug.

You have to make a stand here

pedrohedges Wed 17-Apr-13 16:32:33

He's gone off to his brothers for a few hours. His brother is exactly the same except he's even more lazy!

pedrohedges Wed 17-Apr-13 16:33:30

Skaboy, the idea of him meeting someone else makes me want to vomit I think that's what i am terrified of. I love him so much.

MajorB Wed 17-Apr-13 16:34:40

You are clearly better off without him.

Now, think of it from his point of view: he left you when you had (undiagnosed) PND, so you should follow in his footsteps and leave him now that he has (undiagnosed) depression.

What happened when he left you? You said things changed, you felt better and got him back. Surely by that reasoning you must see that if you leave him the likelihood is that he will work on getting "better" and improve his behaviour to win you back.

If you won't listen to us love, listen to your OH, he has shown you what you do in this situation and how to get the pair of you on track, so do to him what he did to you; leave.

AnyFucker Wed 17-Apr-13 16:37:49

Pedro, is any of this sinking in ?

We are all wasting our typing fingers, aren't we ?

With a bit of luck (for you) this bloke will further demonstrate his arrogance and sureness that you will never leave him, by shagging some 20yo from down the pub some day soon

Because at the moment, he might be an abusive twat, but he is your abusive twat

< sigh >

pedrohedges Wed 17-Apr-13 16:39:56

I'm going to pack his bags while he's at his brothers and dump them at the door.

What is there to love about such an individual exactly?.

"I love him so much"
Ah, that old chestnut. He certainly does not love you does he?.

Stop selling yourself and your children short by remaining with such a conceited and self absorbed manchild. Ditch the 12 stone deadweight and you'll feel a lot bloody happier in the long run.

Is this really the model of a relationship you want to be teaching your children?.

MajorB Wed 17-Apr-13 16:42:51

Oh, I wouldn't worry about him finding someone else; who'll want the obese, jobless, waste of space cocklodger that is your OH?

iloveweetos Wed 17-Apr-13 16:45:34

I had less ALOT stress than this as a single parent, so don't think you wouldn't cope!!! It will be hard, but this as the alternative, its a breeze!
He will keep doing this for as long as you let him.
Good luck xxxx

AnyFucker Wed 17-Apr-13 16:46:39

Sweetheart, don't do it for us. That would be the worst thing you could do. Because you will not stick to it.

If you are serious, you need to plan it properly or you will be begging him to come back by the weekend and in a worse position than you have ever been

Hold your horses. Get some support, get people who have your back on board. Speak to the landlord about whether is is possible to get him off the lease. Look properly into finances.

Do it with thought, love and make it permanent

MajorB Wed 17-Apr-13 16:46:47

Yes! Well done. Hopefully the shock of you doing that will force him into action, and he'll make his way back to the man he once was.

iloveweetos Wed 17-Apr-13 16:47:37

i agree with AnyFucker
you need to plan and be SURE of it

AnyFucker Wed 17-Apr-13 16:48:43

MajorB unfortunately there are rather a lot of women that would take this bloke on. The kind that think they can change a man. OP did, so he must have been halfway decent at some point.

That time is long gone for OP, I am afraid, but I am sure he is quite capable of turning on the charm when he wants to.

BanjoPlayingTiger Wed 17-Apr-13 16:49:14

When you say you love him, do you love what he used to be rather than what he has become?

To me you sound like a single parent already. He sounds like he wants staff not a partner to share life with.

How's the bag packing going?

MajorB Wed 17-Apr-13 17:02:19

I don't doubt he was a decent man at some point, the OP had 3 kids with him so they must have had some good times.

It's pretty depressing to think that anyone would willingly take on what he is now though, especially if they didn't have history with him and the memories of what he was.

I guess there's no accounting for taste!

AnyFucker Wed 17-Apr-13 17:10:51

indeed

Lavenderhoney Wed 17-Apr-13 17:11:47

How does he get about? Is he driving his own car he puts petrol in and pays for?

If you have packed his stuff, be prepared for drama from him and his family turning up and shouting, hammering on the door... Call the police. They can't be allowed to scare you and your dc.

It was quite upsetting reading your eldest dc has stepped up to being someone you rely on and are proud of. Its all well and good, but with his dad behaving like that in the house? Your dc must be quite affected by this, unless you pretend to them its normal? They know its not. And you aren't doing it for them. What on earth good is it for them, living like that?

Call a solicitor and book a meeting, re house etc, call women's aid especially if you have packed and chucked his stuff without thinking of how you will handle the next few weeks which will be hard but rewarding if you manage it. Can you stay somewhere else with your dc? Do you have a mate who can come and be with you?

If you do let him back in or he forces his way in, I strongly suggest you leave with the dc as an alternative ASAP.

Good luck

pedrohedges Wed 17-Apr-13 17:17:19

am going to sit him down tonight and give him an ultimatum. I went upstairs to pack his stuff but i thought i better speak to him first.

If he's not prepared to change then he can leave.

Lavender he does drive, he owns a 12 plate Jaguar believe it or not.
I have asked him to sell it, get a cheaper car and maybe use the remaining money to start his own little business but he won't. It's his pride and joy.

AnyFucker Wed 17-Apr-13 17:20:56

Give him a clear time frame to up his game. Be explicit about how not just "you have to treat me better" or "you have to help out more"

Unless he is prepared to sit down and work out a proper plan and timetable of how he is going to contribute to the smooth running of his own family you are wasting your breath

In the meantime, you can be planning your exit properly.

pedrohedges Wed 17-Apr-13 17:22:45

I'll write a list of what i plan to say. I'm nervous about his reaction. I hope he doesn't tell me to fuck off. I hope he fights for our family.

YouDontWinFriendsWithSalad Wed 17-Apr-13 17:23:13

Oh my lord, I've read about some cocklodgers on here before but your OH takes the biscuit, OP sad

Stay strong - I am 100% sure you'll do better on your own. More money to spend on what's important (ie, not golf), and less stress.

AnyFucker Wed 17-Apr-13 17:27:49

If he does, you know what to do and you know what he really thinks of you

Lavenderhoney Wed 17-Apr-13 17:31:46

Are you saying the car comes before you and the dc? Who is paying for its insurance, tax, petrol? Your money i suppose. Or family savings he plans to spend until its gone on himself.

Personally I would stop trying to fix him with ideas of how he can start a business etc. that's for him to sort out, not you to support him whilst he messes about. He must have a deadline. It must be soon, with specifics, like doctors, job, 50/50 housework, no more crap from his family etc etc.

Don't let him start to blame you or rubbish you. If he starts to be abusive and shout, retire gracefully, and make a big list of the stuff you have to do to leave.

Really hope it works out for you.

If you've put up with this much already then I bet his reaction isn't very nice (as he'll think he can get away with it). Or he'll be completely remorseful well, pretend to be

And as for love, that is not how you treat someone you really love.

And he knows it.

pedrohedges Wed 17-Apr-13 17:42:27

His mother just turned up, i asked her to leave which i have never done before. She wasn't happy about it but i need to sort my head out before he comes home.

He'll be fuming when he finds out that i sent her packing, she'll ring him and let him know too.

Well done.

Just do what you have to do.

It sounds like you're having a bit of a realization period I hope so anyway

You can do better & you deserve better (even being single is much better than this).

AnyFucker Wed 17-Apr-13 18:00:05

I feel a bit frightened for you, actually

If he gets physically intimidating, take the kids and go. Or call the police to remove him.

If he simply gets arsey and blames you, wrap that pointless communication up and get to work on your exit plan

Hope your chat with him goes okay!

Don't let him make you feel shit and turn it all on you.

AllOverIt Wed 17-Apr-13 21:01:32

Good luck OP

UnrequitedSkink Wed 17-Apr-13 21:50:13

Pedro, are you okay?

wizzler Wed 17-Apr-13 21:59:20

Deep breaths OP
Dont worry about going it alone as you are already doing it all !
I know you have had probs in the past but you sound pretty resilient to me to cope with everything.
Get it sorted out on your terms
... By the way.. Golf isn't cheap, either!

wonderingagain Wed 17-Apr-13 22:21:41

Hope you are ok Pedro.

AnyFucker Wed 17-Apr-13 22:31:01

come back when you can, Pedro x

wonderingagain Wed 17-Apr-13 22:37:05

I'm having visions of Pedro in the Jag driving over those golf clubs swearing at his mother in her best glottal working class accent.

AllOverIt Fri 19-Apr-13 06:59:25

How are you OP?

BriansBrain Fri 19-Apr-13 16:51:24

How did you get on?

pedrohedges Fri 19-Apr-13 17:37:05

I told him that if he doesn't start helping me then he can get out. I wrote a large list of things of things in our life that i want to change.
I have cancelled SKY sports, i didn't want to cancel the rest because i love Sky 1 grin

He made tea both nights and promised he will change. Fingers crossed he will but i am very doubtful.

I will admit that our discussion did get pretty heated, he called me a slut and said i was dumb. I also need to see a shrink apparently. But i will let that slide for the good of the family.

I hope i am doing the right thing x

AllOverIt Fri 19-Apr-13 17:41:20

He called you a slut? angry

StuffezLaYoni Fri 19-Apr-13 17:53:55

Pedro, I long for the day you realise this man (and any who calls their partner these things) is a piece of shit.
We'd all fucking like to stop working our fingers to the bone and still live like kings but we don't. He is banking on you repeating the mantra of "but I love him."
Accusing you of needing mental help is yet another tactic to make you feel like a worthless, unintelligent turd.
You sound really nice, I hope you get rid of this waster.

Oh dear! I really can't see much about that that's good for your family. I'd be re-writing that list if I were you. In fact, there was a thread not long ago on a Bill of Rights, listing what you should expect for yourself. I can't link as I'm on the bus but it was within the last couple of months, under Relationships. Worth a look.

pedrohedges Fri 19-Apr-13 18:34:17

I probably do need mental help. I'm so down all the time.

Depression? Caused by him making you feel like shit all the time? Seriously, if you do feel like that, go see your GP.

BettySuarez Fri 19-Apr-13 18:52:17

He is deliberately and constantly undermining you to ensure that you continue to have a low opinion of yourself, feel worthless and helpless.

He doesn't love you, he doesn't value you or your children. He wouldn't treat the mother of his children this way if he did.

You need to STOP listening to what he says and START listening and believing the posters on this thread

AnyFucker Fri 19-Apr-13 19:09:01

Oh dear

Staying with a man who calls you a slut is not "good for the family" in any way, shape or form.

pedrohedges Fri 19-Apr-13 19:21:33

He said he called me that because he was so angry with me. He didn't mean it, or so he says.

AnyFucker Fri 19-Apr-13 19:25:56

he is an arsehole

AnyFucker Fri 19-Apr-13 19:27:07

Yes "slut" is always the first thing to come to mind when you are angry with someone

not

well, it is if you are an abusive person, I suppose

Pozzled Fri 19-Apr-13 19:33:14

Pedro, this man is manipulative, uncaring, an extremely bad role model for your family. (I'm being incredibly restrained in my choice of words). He does NOT love you in any way, he sees you as his own personal servant and bank. He doesn't seem to care about anyone other than himself.

He is insulting and demeaning you so that you won't have the courage to leave, and then blaming you for making him angry.

From here, I see absolutely nothing to love or respect about him. It's very clear to everyone on this thread that you're a very strong person who would be better off without him.

I hope you can come to see that yourself soon. Keep talking.

KatyTheCleaningLady Fri 19-Apr-13 19:59:17

Holy shit. This thread has made me so angry.

I'd like to cunt punt your mother in law.

pedrohedges Fri 19-Apr-13 20:32:11

He has told the inlaws to stop coming around constantly which is a massive start. I think he's really trying. I hope to god he is.

AllOverIt Fri 19-Apr-13 20:35:40

Someone who is really trying will get off their arse and get a job. He'd tell his family what for and he'd start treating you with respect.

Anything less is not trying.

AnyFucker Fri 19-Apr-13 20:50:04

Trying ?

He calls you a slut and says you are mental ?

yeah, I can see he is "trying" alright

trying to destroy you

lovesherdogstoomuch Fri 19-Apr-13 20:57:40

OMG. Op you need to shake yaself and stand up to him. do you want to save this marriage? if you do, you've got to stand up for yourself and not be making bloody sandwiches! i think it sounds like he's gone off the rails. could it be depression? putting on over 6stone. hmmm. tough for you. there is no way i would put up with that and neither should you. brew

Lavenderhoney Sat 20-Apr-13 04:55:49

He called you names and called you mental and you are still there?

The fact he started to argue with you and call you names - he has no intention of changing and if he did would have sorted it all out months ago and got a job. Get rid of his car and golf clubs - and stop paying for it. Does he have a golf club membership?

And what are the consequences if in a weeks time he isn't pulling his weight or just doing the bare minimum? Does he leave?

Go and see the doctor if you want. Give them this thread and see what they say. The other option would be to call women's aid and explain that your dh thinks you are mental and you would like clarification that he is right. Tell them all the stuff on the thread, no minimalising or skipping bits that show him up for the nasty piece of work he is, and explain he is always saying you are mental. What a joker!

Is he doing housework now, or is he waiting for you to paint and decorate the house first?

fuzzpig Sat 20-Apr-13 07:00:40

He's not trying FFS he called you a slut!

He is manipulating you. Get him out.

fuzzpig Sat 20-Apr-13 07:01:57

And telling you that you are mental is a classic sign of an abuser. Huge red flag.

lunar1 Sat 20-Apr-13 07:14:49

Unless he has been to the job centre or the Gp then, no he is not really trying

AnnandBarryAgain Sat 20-Apr-13 07:45:51

Pedro, the best piece of advice I ever read on here was "if you think you are depressed, first check to see you are not surrounded by arseholes". In your case I'd say you are surrounded by arseholes pet. You just can't see it.
Actually he sounds a lot like my Dad. He earned a six figure salary, spent it on himself and his mates and left my mother to do pay the bills and raise the kids on her dinner lady wages. It didn't end well for him.

You're (inadvertently) setting your DC to believe they are second class citizens in the house of cocklodger. Any home which revolves around the needs, or demands of one person is not a healthy place to be. Not to mention the abusive language and the obvious fear you are experiencing in this relationship.

I really really want to do an Elin Woods on that Jag.

PEDRO

You are already a single mum, with addition of an overweight lazy 36yr old kid in your house.

How long have you given him to change.

wonderingagain Sat 20-Apr-13 16:55:13

Hi Pedro Im sorry my vision didn't turn into a reality and that you didn't drive over his golf clubs. So you have cancelled sky sports and had a word but he has called you names and made some promises. What men like this do is placate their victim enough to keep things ticking over. I'm not saying things won't turn around but try to remain impartial and observe what really changes.

Judging by his aggressive reaction it is likely that this won't get better. Have you looked at the links on the EA thread?

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