Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

what would you sacrifice for love?

(101 Posts)
HeartShapedSaw Tue 16-Apr-13 18:34:48

I'm basically in a situation where I have to chose between my family and the man I think may be my one true love, and I honestly can't sacrifice my family and friends for him. It's such a horrible situation and makes we wonder what other people would do.

What would you or wouldn't you give up for someone you loved?

YoniBottsBumgina Tue 16-Apr-13 18:39:08

Nothing, well, only things that didn't matter. If the situation isn't right then the time isn't right and that person isn't right at that time. There isn't one true love for everyone - think about it, if there was one person in the entire world, the odds of meeting them would be terrible. You will meet someone else nice, I promise smile

How come you have to choose anyway? I hope it's not him who's making you choose, because if he loved you that much then he would never ask you to sacrifice something which was important to you.

TheCatIsUpTheDuff Tue 16-Apr-13 18:41:35

Not very much, in all honesty. My family and friends are mostly reasonable people, and I can't imagine a situation where all of them would be completely wrong and one individual other person would be right.

I had a situation once where an old friend, now married, said he'd leave his wife if I asked him to. I told him not to do it on my account. If he'd split with her of his own accord, something might have happened, but I didn't want their split on my conscience.

Equally, for various complicated reasons, I'd have jeopardised family and friend relationships to be with him and possibly had to give up my job, and I wasn't willing to make those sacrifices.

The most I ever have to sacrifice for DH is staying in on a night I'd rather go out or vice versa, or not having an early night so I can pick him up from a gig I didn't want to go to. He does the same for me.

Squitten Tue 16-Apr-13 18:41:41

First you have to tell us why you have to choose between them. That's not a normal choice to have to make

HeartShapedSaw Tue 16-Apr-13 18:47:13

It's not him who would make me choose..

Very long story, but he is my DSs father, and we both acted questionably toward each other before DS was born. Nobody I know will ever forgive him, and would be utterly horrified if I got back with him. I have no doubt I would loose them all. But I do think we have both matured and had realisations since then and I can't picture myself with anyone else. My heart will be broken either way.

Squitten Tue 16-Apr-13 18:55:56

What does "acted questionably" mean? Did you hit each other? Infidelity?

If you want meaningful advice, you have to be honest.

HeartShapedSaw Tue 16-Apr-13 19:01:01

No nothing like that. Mostly arguing and saying mean things. Obviously I think it was him more than me.. but I can't be sure it wasn't equal. Was an on - off kind of thing.

AnyFucker Tue 16-Apr-13 19:10:17

If what he did wasn't that bad, why would your family cut you off if you were to get back with him ?

For me, there are not many things I would give up for a relationship with a man

My freedom to sleep with other people is the first thing that comes to mind

YoniBottsBumgina Tue 16-Apr-13 19:15:12

Good point - casual sex has to be off the menu, clearly wink

I also find it odd that your family and friends would cut you off if you got back with him. There has to be more to the story. Either all of your family and friends are unreasonable, judgy, grudge-wielding harpies who don't support your decisions or want you to be happy, or, he's a total dick/has done something terrible. Or, I suppose, you could be being melodramatic. But I think, TBH, the second option is the most likely.

Lavenderhoney Tue 16-Apr-13 19:25:23

It wouldn't just be you making this sacrifice though, would it be your ds as well? Are you expecting to remove him from any contact with your family too?

If you are serious about this man, then can't you slowly date him, tell people you are meeting him as he is ds father and allow them to realise he has changed? Then slowly you can see if he is all you think, and in a year or so, he could move in and be part of everyone's life. I don't see why it has to be so fast and dramatic ( giving it all up for love ) as you have a history together and it didn't go well first time.

OhLori Tue 16-Apr-13 19:32:42

For romantic love, I would sacrifice very little. For Love, as in the big-picture-Universe sense of the word, probably a lot more.

AnyFucker Tue 16-Apr-13 19:49:47

The trouble is, Lori...people have very different ideas of what constitutes "big picture universe" love

MsWinnieBaygo Tue 16-Apr-13 22:37:39

Your family and friends would/should want what is best for you and for you to be happy - if you explain that you've both changed and have matured etc It seems a bit dramatic to say that you would be forced to choose between them, unless there is something more to this?

Lueji Tue 16-Apr-13 23:25:58

Could you gradually introduce him back and show (and make sure) he really has changed?

I moved 5000 miles, gave up a job I loved, seeing friends and family all the time, my lovely flat and my country. I wouldn't have done what you are thinking about doing. If all my friends and family love me, why are they all united in hating him? Big warning bells.

Dahlen Tue 16-Apr-13 23:47:31

I would say that unless your family and friends are prone to completely irrational, malicious behaviour, and if their judgement is normally good, you should take their POV seriously. As the old saying goes, 'love is blind' and maybe they are seeing red flags that you would do well to heed.

expatinscotland Tue 16-Apr-13 23:50:28

What AnyFucker said, as per usual. For my children, EVERYTHING. They are 'my one true love'.

badinage Wed 17-Apr-13 01:03:46

I suspect you are being over-dramatic about all of this.

He's not your 'one true love'. He's just someone you happened to meet because you were in close proximity at one particular time, had a relationship and a child. You could have met loads of other men around that time with the same result or better and you still could.

Unless a man is an absolute stone-bonker wrongun', it's very unlikely that a whole family and an entire set of friends would disown their loved one. They might disapprove, they might think you're mad to try again, but again unless they fear for their own lives it's unlikely they'd drop you completely.

In general, I think people who give up all their other relationships for their romantic one are very foolish indeed. Plus, it's way too much pressure on a relationship if one person has sacrificed their whole life to be in it.

However, I think you might need a romantic drama antidote to see this a little more rationally.

WTFisABooyhoo Wed 17-Apr-13 01:49:02

ok first of all think about why you think being with him now will be different and successful when it wasn't the first time. you are both the same people, however this time you have a child to consider. forget about what your family and friends will say (it wont be as bad as you think.) think about the impact a volatile relationship will have on him.

i am speaking as someone who got back with her child's father 3 years after breaking up from him (6 weeks before baby was born). at the time i honestly believed that all these feelings i had meant that we were meant to be and that he was the one and that all we both needed was space to grow up.

honestly, i think deep down i wanted to know for sure that i'd made the right decision the first time by ending it. i think i got back with him to give myself another chance at 'getting it right' with my child's father. if i thought there was a chance i could have my ds living with both his parents i was going to take it. but he was the same person, he'd just had more experience at being that person. same with me. we split for a reason, well alot of reasons actually and those reasons were still there after the first flush and novelty of the 'new' relationship had worn off. we lasted two very difficult years the second time. it would have been a lot less had he not been working away 90% of the time.

be very careful and as much as this makes me a killjoy, dont get swept up in the romance of getting back with your ex, the father of your child. your child needs to be your priority and not what your ex or your family want.

BigBadBabbyDaddy Wed 17-Apr-13 11:03:57

"People don't always fcuk up because there twats sometimes its because they just dont know what else to do" :- ChavBear

"A small body of determined spirits fired by an unquenchable faith in their mission can alter the course of history":- Gandhi

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." :- Gandhi

You are strong like lion smile

Lovingfreedom Wed 17-Apr-13 11:19:59

If you can honestly say to your family 'that was all a long time ago and we've all grown up now' think about it...otherwise keep away from this man. I can't really understand your logic...they care for you so much that they don't want you to get back with this man...but if you do they will all drop you? Wouldn't have thought so...sounds a bit of an over-reaction.

MadBusLady Wed 17-Apr-13 12:05:17

Oh boy. Start here.

Pandemoniaa Wed 17-Apr-13 12:18:11

Love doesn't actually conquer all. Also, people rarely change. They can learn from experience and they can modify their behaviour but underneath, they remain the same. I know that my ex-husband (divorced from his for many years) has learnt a lot from subsequent relationships and I now get on with him very well. But I wouldn't, and never have, contemplated getting back with him because underneath he's the same person he always was. As indeed am I.

You need to ask yourself why your family would consider cutting you off if you resume your relationship. Families don't usually behave like this for trivial reasons and if their reaction is going to be so extreme you need to think very carefully before making a decision.

As for what I would sacrifice for love, the answer is not much. It's all far too melodramatic a concept for me to consider. But certainly I would never sacrifice my children for anyone.

BigBadBabbyDaddy Wed 17-Apr-13 12:21:56

looool Sacrificing children for love.....

BigBadBabbyDaddy Wed 17-Apr-13 12:25:33

Would you do it for a biscuit?.....

MadBusLady Wed 17-Apr-13 12:33:04

Would I sacrifice my children for a biscuit? Yup, don't have any children OR any biscuits so it can only be a net gain.

AnyFucker Wed 17-Apr-13 12:51:44

Are you having fun, bigdaddy? smile

BigBadBabbyDaddy Wed 17-Apr-13 13:01:49

My bad it was just that last line from Pandimoniaa. I hope there will be no sacrificing of babes/children and the concept of sacrificing a child (in any sense of the word) for love just seamed a little of an oxymoron!

I thought it rather funny.

WTFisABooyhoo Wed 17-Apr-13 13:40:50

are there any mint clubs on offer?

<considers which child to trade>

OhLori Wed 17-Apr-13 13:56:02

I'm liking this thread grin

AnyFucker Wed 17-Apr-13 14:14:56

Daddy, do you have a big, bad babby ?

How big and exactly how bad are we talking here ?

Enough to only facilitate the substitution of said BigBadBabby with something very manly like a Yorkie bar ('they're not for women...') or a Chunky KitKat or summat ?

MadBusLady Wed 17-Apr-13 14:30:40

They're doing FIVE finger kitkats now. We are in the end times. <shakes head>

I have biscuits now. I went to the shop for them. I blame daddy.

HeartShapedSaw Wed 17-Apr-13 16:48:40

Thankyou BabyDaddy for hijacking my thread.. hmm

For all of you who think I am being melodramatic or exaggerating things, I am not. My family/friends MAY eventually accept me being back with him, but logistically they would not want to be around him so would not visit etc and friendships would die out this way.

Yes, they do hate him that much, and yes, they would be so angry our relationship would be permanently affected.

WTFisABooyhoo Wed 17-Apr-13 16:55:40

any thoughts on the other comments?

HeartShapedSaw Wed 17-Apr-13 16:57:37

other comments?

badinage Wed 17-Apr-13 16:58:26

Then unless all your family and friends are delusional (unlikely) this bloke's a wrongun'.

Whereas there's a whole world full of blokes who are not and with whom you could have some lovely relationships without having to lose anyone or anything.

Squitten Wed 17-Apr-13 16:58:45

But WHY?

Every couple fights. Every couple has arguments. These are not the kinds of things that would turn someone's entire family and friends against them. You say they 'hate' him! That's an extreme response.

So what exactly has he said or done to you that they know about? I honestly think there is more going on here than either you realise OP or are willing to admit.

MadBusLady Wed 17-Apr-13 16:59:21

I think it's all been said above. Either:

1. Your family/friends are uniformly unreasonable and nasty and don't want you to be happy. In which case, defying them isn't really that much of a sacrifice.

or:

2. They're right and looking out for you, and this guy is a twunt whom you shouldn't be poking with a shitty stick, never mind sacrificing family and friends for his lurve.

There aren't really any halfways that I can see. Without knowing more about him or them, it's hard to say which.

WTFisABooyhoo Wed 17-Apr-13 17:01:33

yes, other comments. there were quite a few.

HeartShapedSaw Wed 17-Apr-13 17:02:36

Ok, fine.

Personally I dont think our relationship was as bad as my family do. But I was young, we broke up regularly and dramatically and I would move back home really upset and my mum would spend months trying to make me feel better etc, and then I would see him and get back with him and it would all start again.

We both saw other people between dating, when we were apart. I broke up with him when I found out I was pregnant, and he is guilty of treating me pretty badly during my pregnancy, and I think its that more than anything that my mother hates him for. I was vulnerable and alone, and he did not support me and sent many abusive texts etc.

You really feel you would be sacrificing your friends and family for this man? You dont think theyll just sigh and go, oh well, its your decision?

If so, then i agree with madbuslady but am leaning towards 2.

It didn't work last time, why would it work now?

WTFisABooyhoo Wed 17-Apr-13 17:05:14

he was abusive to you at a time in your life when you were most vulnerable and needed his support? huh, can sort of see your family's point tbh.

why on earth do you want to be with someone like that?

AnyFucker Wed 17-Apr-13 17:06:44

After you've just said all that, could you remind us again exactly why you think he is a Good 'Un ?

And for the record, BabyDaddy was doing no harm. You had bogged off and we were entertaining ourselves.

Truthfully, if you were my family member I would be pissed off at you because you sound like you were at least as bad as he was thus compounding the conviction that this is probably a Very Bad Idea but I wouldn't cut you out of my life.

I expect you would me though, if I dared to give you an honest opinion.

Am I right ?

HeartShapedSaw Wed 17-Apr-13 17:06:49

If you recall, in my OP I said I would not be able to sacrifice my family and friends for him if that was the choice I was faced with - which I basically am.

Obviously I love him, many people including you have trouble understanding why, as do I a lot of the time.

HeartShapedSaw Wed 17-Apr-13 17:07:50

AnyFucker, I havent said anything horrible..

I was just answering questions..

He sounds horrible, sorry.

Is part of the appeal that you want a 'family' for DS?

I don't think your mum would really cut you off, but she would be very annoyed, and worried - as I would be if you were my daughter.

garlicyoni Wed 17-Apr-13 17:11:22

This is just another cycle in an ongoing disaster saga, isn't it? Nothing's changed except the date.

Fine, go ahead and "sacrifice" your entire support network for your melodrama. I suspect they're all threatening to ditch you in a last, desperate attempt to shake you out of it. But they'll still be there for you when it cocks up again, saying "we tried to warn you". Things will turn out this way, you know ... why not cut straight to the heartbreak, lean on your friends and write the closing chapter of Doomed Love by HeartShapedSaw?

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 17-Apr-13 17:11:40

This man does not sound like a keeper, frankly. And I'm only considering what you've written about him. Even if your family was Ok with you getting back together, I would say the same thing.

Concentrate on effective co-parenting.

AnythingForLove Wed 17-Apr-13 17:12:03

I just wanted to say that I am in a similar (ish) situation.

There is a possibility that I could get back with the man I consider to be "the one" for me. He broke my heart last year and treated me quite badly (more outof cowardice than malice I think) afterwards. The problem is that I have never stopped loving him. Now there's a chance we could get back together, I know I would do it in a heartbeat, even though my head tells me that it might be a disaster

I know that my friends and family would really struggle to welcome him back. My mum in particular. (My DC has no idea what went on or how traumatic it was - he is not his dad) so that wouldn't be an issue

BTW I'm not a silly flibbertygibbet. I'm a reasonably sensible professional woman in her 30s. And right here right now I'd say I'd do almost anything for love.

I'm not sure how helpful that is OP but I just wanted to say that there is someone here who understands a little of how you feel

HeartShapedSaw Wed 17-Apr-13 17:12:08

Thisisaeupemism - you're totally right, I dont think she would do it out of malice, she would genuinely be concerned for me and DS.

You're pretty much right.

HeartShapedSaw Wed 17-Apr-13 17:13:43

AnythingforLove - thanks smile
Its nice to see I'm not the only fool blinded by love and not able to see reason! Its so hard isnt it..

WTFisABooyhoo Wed 17-Apr-13 17:13:49

heartshaped did you read my first post on your thread? honey i have no trouble understanding that you love an asshole. i was there. as much as i hated him all the time we were apart, i still loved him. so believe me. i get it.

however what you dont seem to be getting is that loving someone does not mean you should be with them or that they deserve a second chance or that you are each other's one true love.

all it means is that you haven't worked your way through this hangover of feelings you have from when he was still fun to be around. you can love someone and be apart from them. and for the two of you it sounds liek that is how it should be.

MadBusLady Wed 17-Apr-13 17:16:06
HeartShapedSaw Wed 17-Apr-13 17:16:39

WTFisABooyhoo - You're probably right.

I had no intention of getting back with him, and have told him this several times. But he is asking for a chance to prove himself to be a better person, and it seems unreasonable not to give him that chance.

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 17-Apr-13 17:19:04

But he can prove that through co-parenting and just friendship for the time being. I know that might feel painful because you love him and want him?, but at least he would be proving himself, it would be giving him a chance.

Lavenderhoney Wed 17-Apr-13 17:20:06

Fair enough if they don't want to see him - although why the need for him to move in with you ( or he would just be at his place when they came , so not an issue ) so fast? Surely if you have a bad relationship history with him you wouldn't rush in? ESP with a child involved?

And you could go and see them couldn't you? No need for any family and friends to fall away. You surely would for your child's sake, not alienate and isolate?

This man of yours, what's he sacrificing? Does he know you will likely end up friendless and nc with your family, is he ok with that? Doesn't he want o see them and put them right about what a great bloke he is now?

WTFisABooyhoo Wed 17-Apr-13 17:21:35

let him prove himself as a father and a decent human being. you dont owe him any chances. if he wants to show you he has changed, he can do that without being in a relationship with you. he can do it be treating you respectfully, respecting your wishes not to be with him and not sulking like a child when you say no. if he really has changed then he will accept that you aren't prepared to be with him (right now anyway but you dont have to tell him that) and he will go about his life, raising his son with you and letting you get on with yours. if you honestly believe after a while he has grown up and changed then reasses and see if he still wants to get back with you. if he is the right person for you, then he'll still be the right person in 2, 5 or 10 years and you'll know it. it doesn't have to be decided now.

AnyFucker Wed 17-Apr-13 17:24:35

what boo said

why jump in with both feet?

if he really has changed and has magicked up some respect for you, let him prove it without him effectively isolating you from your family and disrupting your son

He sent you abusive texts while you were pregnant? There is actually something wrong with someone who does that. Properly wrong. Unless he has had a brain transplant, I wouldn't be entering into a relationship with him.

HeartShapedSaw Wed 17-Apr-13 17:25:11

Im glad I posted. Your opinions are all very helpful smile

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 17-Apr-13 17:26:06

I think if everyone hates him - they're seeing something that you don't want to see.

Your family and friends aren't out to ruin your life. They don't want you alone and miserable. They want you to be happy.

They just don't - and with good reason from what you say! - believe happiness lies with this man.

If it was just you, I'd say do what you will. If you want to give another chance to a man who has treated you so dreadfully, well, you're a big girl and that's your choice. You have the right to make even foolish choices

FOR YOURSELF

But you have a child. And that child has the right to not be put into a bad situation.

Do you take a chance on someone who proved themselves capable of treating you horribly? That's your choice.

Do you force your child to have that life? No.

WTFisABooyhoo Wed 17-Apr-13 17:58:02

one more thing.

i always knew deep down i shouldn't have been with EXp. i knew it the first time and i knew it the second time but i pushed that to the back of my mind because i was so desperate to keep my family together and to prove everyone else wrong and that we were right together. but we weren't. i knew it the whole time.

you will know yourself whether you want this for the right reasons. dont do what i did and kid yourself it will work when you know it wont. you owe yourself more than that and your son aswell. my eldest has been affected by our break up in a way that never would have happened if i'd never gotten back with him.

sarahseashell Wed 17-Apr-13 21:10:40

he sent you abusive texts when you were pregnant = bin
It's that simple

there are plenty of nice men in the world

Squitten Wed 17-Apr-13 21:45:58

Agree completely with Boo.

If he really has changed, then he will be understand that he cannot simply expect everything to go back as it was. And you would be very foolish to accept this word for it when you have a child to think about and protect. He has to prove that he is capable of being a decent man and, more importantly, a GOOD father before you should even entertain the idea.

I would be very slow to choose this man over your family. They have quite obviously been there for you when he has not and, should he show his old spots once again, you will need them again.

If he really insists on pushing you into a relationship and forcing you into conflict with your family, he is NOT a nice person and he has not changed.

Lovingfreedom Thu 18-Apr-13 11:13:53

Agree with Boo too! If you feel like deep down you 'shouldn't'...then don't...

HeartShapedSaw Thu 18-Apr-13 12:11:31

Thanks for all your replies.

I have been well and truly outed.. my toddler somehow posted a link to this thread on my Facebook wall four times this morning... I don't even know how to do that!
Suffice to say ill be name changing..

OhLori Thu 18-Apr-13 12:52:07

Poor you blush though I guess it could have been worse ...

Another negative for Facebook <loving it>!

Seriously though. I think genuine romantic love is probably quite nice, perhaps I was a bit harsh earlier. But what many people think is romantic love is actually (1) their sex hormones talking or shouting loudly for attention or (2) their "fantasy" about love both as a response to their genuine need for love and media fantasy (can anyone tell the difference now I wonder?), even when deep down something ain't right ...

FauxFox Thu 18-Apr-13 14:54:00

I did it. Met DH at 16, my family would not accept him due to age gap, eventually I told family to bog off when I was 19ish. Had a 'civil' (birthday cards/xmas meet up) type relationship with mum and dad and sister. Married when I was 22. Parents came to 'keep face' but left early. Had DCs at 27 and they built bridges, accepted DH and now we are all good smile
Not the same as your scenario (Dh has always been lovely to me) but even stubborn old buggers like my parents can be wrong and change their minds (eventually).
Having a DC to think of makes your decision harder than mine was.

Lucylloyd13 Thu 18-Apr-13 16:04:20

I would do anyting for love...................but I wont do "that"!

Queenbee245 Thu 18-Apr-13 16:17:43

Everyone deserves a second chance and you won't lose all your friends wink

AnyFucker Thu 18-Apr-13 16:50:08

Fox, your situation is absolutely nothing like the op's

Lovingfreedom Thu 18-Apr-13 17:04:00

Too many women too often think about men being 'deserving' and giving them 'chances'. Not enough of think first about what they are getting out of it.

So the guy 'proves he is a better person'....what does that actually change? Does that then means he 'deserves' a relationship with the woman of his choice?

WTFisABooyhoo Thu 18-Apr-13 17:22:55

you are so right lovingfreedom

he may be a lovely man. the best. but that doesn't entitle him to anything.

FauxFox Thu 18-Apr-13 17:29:15

I did point that out AF

Queenbee245 Thu 18-Apr-13 17:29:50

Loving I think you my have misread my post, I said everyone deserves a second chance...not just men
Have you never made a mistake in your life and been given a chance to prove yourself again?
I believe what the OP is trying to say is that there has been a history with this man but that they have both grown up and are ready to move forward
Ok not everyone can change for the better but I think it is unfair to say that nobody ever can
The OP is concerned that her family/friends may not speak to her...she is not the first person in the world to make decisions that other people may not like and I'm sure she won't be the last and I'm sure that no matter ow much they do disapprove they would never completely abandon her

WTFisABooyhoo Thu 18-Apr-13 17:34:04

i disagree that everyone deserves a second chance.

The only set of circumstances in which I think it's not just OK but absolutely right to choose a partner over family and friends would be if your family and friends are bigots. If, for instance, you have found someone from a different culture or ethnic group and your friends and relatives are all racists... then the right moral decision would be to dump them for the relationship and see if they will redeem themselves, given the chance.

But not otherwise. Generally the people who know and love you are worth more than some numpty you've shagged a few times. Romantic relationships are not that important.

Queenbee245 Thu 18-Apr-13 18:00:44

my family disliked my Dh, they thought that his bad upbringing deemed him not good enough for me and in the first few months we were together he did make a mistake but we worked through it and we are still together and married 8 years later, he has matured a whole lot from when I first met him.

Like I said not everyone can change but I think you will find lots f posters on here that have had their dps act questionably but they have worked through it/attended counselling etc and are now in a better place

Lovingfreedom Thu 18-Apr-13 18:29:31

I've made plenty of mistakes...that's not the point. I would not feel I deserve to be someone's friend or partner however great I am. It's their choice and mine and hopefully we both benefit from the relationship.

Lovingfreedom Thu 18-Apr-13 18:32:46

....and my earlier point was gendered on purpose because IME women do often seem to...feel they owe men a relationship, a chance, a shag etc. there are men like this too, but it seems more common for women.

MadBusLady Thu 18-Apr-13 19:55:03

I've noticed it is also built into the language women habitually use to advise each other about relationships. "Give him a chance... give it time... work on it." Basically suggesting that the woman put herself out on the offchance things might get better. It's very nice in a way, it indicates a willingness to think the best of people. It's just that some people really don't deserve to be thought the best of, and have proved that fact repeatedly in the past.

Maybe men use this language to each other in similar discussions, I don't know.

AnyFucker Thu 18-Apr-13 19:59:17

Madbuslady...they don't

it's peculiar to women to keep compromising themselves against all the evidence that says they shouldn't, IMO

Talking of language, I found it interesting that both the op and the other person who said they were in a similar situation, used the phrasing, 'the one' and/or 'one true love'. OP, you sound young and feisty, you surely deep down know that there isn't only one person for you in this life? There are many people you could be exceedingly happy with.

If you aren't going to drop him, and I understand the ties are strong, do follow the advice here of letting him prove himself - let him do pick up and drop offs with your mum or friends - see if he can handle it, see if he has changed...

AnyFucker Thu 18-Apr-13 20:36:27

I have said this before

I reckon my "one true love" is an Inuit eskimo living in an igloo at the South Pole

what's a girl to do ?

MadBusLady Thu 18-Apr-13 20:39:08

You think you've got problems. My one true love has been dead for ten thousand years. The fabric of space and time is such a PITA.

Oof that is unlucky both of you.

I believe my "the one" is a prisoner on death row. Its fine tho - I'm giving him a second chance.

AnyFucker Thu 18-Apr-13 20:44:31

indeed

AnyFucker Thu 18-Apr-13 20:45:25

erk, Thisis, you may just be aping some real MN posters there, with your Death Row Romance shock

Oh shit. Again.

AnyFucker Thu 18-Apr-13 20:47:16

smile

You're right about it being mainly women who are encouraged to compromise, put themselves out, forgive, change, etc for the sake of a man. Even when they don't want a relationship with him or any man at all in the first place. Some people do seem to get a bit unsettled at the idea of a woman rejecting a man's romantic/sexual advances, as though there's something strange about the idea that women have any agency - they should wait passively for a man to 'want' them and then be grateful that he does.

Doha Thu 18-Apr-13 20:53:12

Same as Queenbee. I had a choice him or them. Because l felt they hadn't given him a chance to prove himself and l knew what he was really like-l chose him.
30 years later we are still together about to become GP's. MY DPs gradually came round and by the time my DC's were born he was accepted as part of the family.

Lovingfreedom Thu 18-Apr-13 21:39:15

Wow!! Bizarre discussion...sacrifice for love? I'd give someone my last Rolo...will that do?

AnyFucker Thu 18-Apr-13 21:45:07

I might risk it for a biscuit

More than that...no, not really.

Lovingfreedom Thu 18-Apr-13 22:21:46

Ah yes but can you stand it with Bandit?

AnyFucker Thu 18-Apr-13 22:41:35

I'd never give up a KitKat
For a Twat

AnyFucker Thu 18-Apr-13 22:42:10

Or cry over my Club
While he fucks off to the Pub

AnyFucker Thu 18-Apr-13 22:43:15

I'd not crumble my digestive
I could find someone better to be wiv

(getting desperate)

Lovingfreedom Thu 18-Apr-13 22:45:28

I'd rather pick up a p p p penguin wink

AnyFucker Thu 18-Apr-13 22:53:53

smile

BigBadBabbyDaddy Sun 21-Apr-13 13:09:56

My work here is done!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now