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Telling the OW's husband?

(68 Posts)
Autumn12 Tue 16-Apr-13 09:52:39

My mother has recently discovered that her husband is 'in love' with a work colleague and wants to end their marriage. This all came about from seemingly nowhere and she is devastated. He is refusing to move out and so she is having to put up with him sleeping on her sofa each night whilst constantly texting his OW.

He is being a complete dick. He refused to give her access to their joint account until she sought advice from the CAB. He also seems to be telling her things that just aren't appropriate like how he is changing his hours at work to be the same as his OW's. He has always been a nice man so this personality change is shocking.

The OW is married with 3 kids. At this point it seems her husband has no idea that all of this is going on. So my mum and young brothers lives have been destroyed overnight but this woman gets to keep her nice little life. Would it be wrong of me to assist my mum in finding a way of contacting OW's husband to let him know of this affair?

My mum is understand my very angry and wants this woman to feel some of the pain she is feeling. I get the feeling that if the husband knew it might force my mums husband into moving out sooner and thus enabling my mum to start to put her life back together.

I'm just not sure if I would be making a huge mistake? My mums husband is constantly posting things on Facebook that this OW comments on. It's clear they think they are very clever covertly flirting whe nobody has any idea. I did actually reply to one telling them to take their sordid affair off of Facebook and OW quickly deleted her posts. So she is obviously worried people may find out.

thegreylady Tue 16-Apr-13 09:57:01

In this case I would tell her husband your poor mum can't but you can. I'd tell your mum and her oh that you are doing it and don't be dissuaded.

Ahhhcrap Tue 16-Apr-13 10:01:52

I know many will tell her not to, but it might be worth finding out his details and using this to ensure her husband starts behaving more amicably to her. Such as access to the joint account and moving his sorry arse out if the house.

When I found out my dh was having an affair I never contacted the ow, or her h, to this day I don't think he knows, so I completely understand when you say 'I want her to feel the same pain' hmm it's the one thing I do regret never doing tbh, but, there maybe unknown repercussions of doing so.

AuntieStella Tue 16-Apr-13 10:06:16

Telling out of vengeance is a bad idea - your DM is in a lot of pain, but wanting to hurt the other innocent party in this sorry mess is a questionable motivation.

But, if there is a kinder motivation, such as believing (really believing) that the other betrayed spouse deserves the truth about their life and marriage then it may be the right thing to do. Once certain tipping points are reached, discovery is nigh on inevitable anyway.

Roopoo Tue 16-Apr-13 10:08:05

Your poor mum.
I would say tell the OW's husband. If it was me I would want to know.

OhLori Tue 16-Apr-13 10:11:25

Basically, if your DM wants to get him out, I think she needs to see where she stands legally i.e. see a proper solicitor specialising in matrimonial law/divorce pronto.

Autumn12 Tue 16-Apr-13 10:14:34

That's it I don't want any repercussions on me as I'm pregnant and don't need the stress.
I'm not sure mums husband would respond to blackmail. The situation with him staying at the marital home is complicated. My mum can't afford to pay the rent and bills alone. Husband earns very little and most if his income is in the form of an army pension for disability so may not count as income for her to claim against. Also my brother is mid GCSE'S and has said that he wants his dad to stay unt they are finished. My mum feels obliged to keep the peace as she doesn't want to feel responsible for disrupting my brother during this important time.

If she tells the OWs husband herself she thinks her husband will go mad. He has already told her she is not to ruin someone's marriage! ( the fucking cheek!). Obviously rows at home would not be good for my brother at this stage and she has promised him she won't fight with his dad in front of him. I know this is ridiculous and my brother shouldn't have so much power at his age but there's nothing I can do about that.

Autumn12 Tue 16-Apr-13 10:17:46

I think that her motivation is more to hurt the OW. At the moment she lives in her nice house, her children have their family unit ( and her own son can do his GCSE's without this stress) and she also has the thrill of her 'love' affair on the side.

I'm not saying its right but I totally understand her feelings.

Roopoo Tue 16-Apr-13 10:20:28

No maybe not right but I can understand her reasonings. Her world has been devastated yet the OW is having her cake and eating it.

DontmindifIdo Tue 16-Apr-13 10:21:07

Have you given your dad a piece of yoru mind and told him he needs to move out ASAP? I would give my dad the full force of my temper for treating my mum like this.

However, if I was you, I'd do whatever I could to track down the OW's DH and tell him myself, or tell your dad that you are going to do this, but if he moves out ASAP you'll give him and his OW until Monday to tell him themselves.

Be warned, this might be the point when it all comes crashing down round your dad, if OW knows he's told his wife already but she hasn't made any move to tell her DH, I think she's clearly alraedy made her choice, and it's not your dad.

DontmindifIdo Tue 16-Apr-13 10:22:52

Oh just realised it's not your dad, still, you could easily force him out if you say you are going to tell the OW's DH. What can he do to stop you? He needs to leave, give him until this weekend or you'll force the issue.

Get your Mum to get some advise about the benefits she's entitled too if he leaves.

Autumn12 Tue 16-Apr-13 10:31:54

She has had advice and earns slightly too much to get substantial help. She is a low earner and could pay the rent and bills but wouldn't have enough money for food, clothes, travel, debts etc. she doesn't want to give up working and live on benefits. CSA payments from husband would be a pittance based on his low salary. He has said he won't pay their debts that are in her name only.

He seems to think he will get a council flat which seems unlikely to me?
He actually maintains he has not had an affair but in one week it has gone from him admitting he loved this OW , hadn't loved my mum in years but had not cheated to suddenly OW feels the same but hasn't made any decisions about the future. I'm sorry but its bullshit that he hasn't been screwing this woman.

I have emailed him only to ask him to be sensitive to the effect on my brother. He promised to make him his priority but I don't see how he is really.

DontmindifIdo Tue 16-Apr-13 10:37:39

OK, look at ways she could get help, if they are married, then the settlement won't just be child support, both debts and assets of the marriage will be devided up, he might find he has no choice but to pay those debts - see if she can see a solicitor, not just someone about benefits to see where she would stand in relation to a settlement on top of her child support.

I think telling the OW's DH or even just telling the OW that you will would be enough, your Mum's H is still in a bubble where he's in control, but obviously knows she won't pick him if her marriage blows apart. In fact, it could well be he won't pick her and take on her 3 DCs, so while he doesn't want your mum, he doesn't want to face the responsibility of taking on someone else's family either.

Time to reduce his choices - if he really doesn't want OW's DH to know, tell him to leave the family home or you'll have no choice but to force the situation to a head.

OhLori Tue 16-Apr-13 10:38:33

I am not convinced that telling the OW will make any difference to your DM's housing situation. Probably the reason your DF has not moved is because he is financially "stuck" too and unrelated to the affair. I still think your DM needs full legal and benefit advice.

I also understand about GCSEs and waiting till they're over, its not long now is it? Your DM could still use the time positively, gathering information and strategies. Its hard though - I remember waiting 3 weeks for an ex to leave, and it was a really awful time. But hopefully your DM is older and wiser and can bide her time to get what she wants.

Autumn12 Tue 16-Apr-13 10:51:03

I just think it must be unbearable for my mum. Just over a week ago she thought she had a loving husband. Now she has a man that is being cruel and blatantly texting and going to meet the OW while my mum sits there sobbing. I've no idea why he is telling her details like him changing his working hours to match OW's or that OW loves him too. It almost seems like he is so excited by it all and expects my mum to be pleased for him?

He has also spent £100 of the family money on taking OW out for a meal. That's a massive amount of money for them, meanwhile my mum can't even top up her mobile.

Personally I think it's his problem if he has to sleep in his car but I am a lot feistier than my mum and would have thrown him out straight away.

I don't really get the GCSE'S thing as the damage has been done. My brother knows the situation and the atmosphere must be terrible. I'm not sure how he will be able to revise with my mum sobbing away on the sofa while her husband flaunts his happiness in her face. I also think that my brother is probably hoping it will blow over and he will keep his family unit if his dad doesn't leave.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 16-Apr-13 10:55:10

Yes I would tell OW's H.

To my regret, I left this for several months before telling OW's H - he was very grateful that I had told him as it meant everything clicked into place. I would be factual and provide evidence if you can.

Viviennemary Tue 16-Apr-13 11:00:11

I do think this OW's husband should be told. But make sure this affair isn't all in your dad's mind as the OW doesn't sound very committed.

Autumn12 Tue 16-Apr-13 11:05:19

It's not in his mind unfortunately. I've had my suspicions for a while due to the Facebook flirting. My mum says that he has been attached at the hip to his phone too and that his behaviour had changed in what I recognise to be all the classic ways. My mum also found emails arranging the meal they went out on last week.

DontmindifIdo Tue 16-Apr-13 11:16:42

Well, I'd also suggest she gets to see a solicitor if she hasn't yet, most will give the first 30 minutes for free, so she could ask if she'd have a claim on his pension and if he could be made to pay the debts that are in her name. If she's only seen people who specialise in benefits and child support claims, they might be basing their advice of what she's entitled to for that, not what she'd be entitled too in terms of spousal maintenance. Pensions are usually counted for divorce settlements, it not by the CSA.

If you have the space, it might be good if you cuold offer to have your DB to stay while his exams are on, give him a quiet, calm environment to study in, and tell his school what's going on.

And yes, the OW's DH should know - your mum's H is acting like a lovestruck teenager because he's not being forced to face the reality of what's going on, the OW is nicely in a bubble too - time to burst that bubble. Plus, that poor bloke, trying to work out what's going on, he must know there's something wrong. He might be blaming himself, or trying to 'fix' this relationship, but with only about 10% of the relivant information. He has 3 DCs, his 'D'W is cheating (at least emotionally, if not physically) and is talking to someone else about possibly leaving him - he has no time to prepare himself, get advice himself, he is just waiting for your Step-Dad and the OW to decide they have their new life's sorted befor he'll be informed, or she'll decide she doesn't want your Step-Dad and then this poor bloke might never be told what was that went wrong, still thinking it was his mistake.

badinage Tue 16-Apr-13 11:32:15

Your brother might say he wants his dad to stay until the GCSEs are over, but the tension in the house must be unbearable and it sounds like his dad is more interested in his affair than his son's revision plans hmm
What your brother is really saying is that he doesn't want any big changes, but that's because change is always assumed to be bad and what he really wants most isn't on offer; a dad who is putting the family first and not his own pleasures. This idiotic drain of a man moving out might give the household the peace they crave.

In general, I'm all for people being told when they are being deceived and conned as long as the people doing the telling do it personally and with some thought and care for the person hearing the news. What I can't bear in these situations are people who do it anonymously or by letters, messages or e mails. If you've got the info, have the courage to own it.

Machli Tue 16-Apr-13 11:33:37

To get him out I would certainly tell her DH.

Pigsmummy Tue 16-Apr-13 11:34:23

If you want some action then tell her to ring the bank and pretend that her and her husband have lost all all their bank cards and cancel the lot, See how he feels about joint account then?

Autumn12 Tue 16-Apr-13 12:48:04

Unfortunately I live too far for my brother to stay and still attend school. I did pick him up last week and have him for 2 nights when it all kicked off.

I'm going to speak to my mum later and ask if she definitely wants to tell the other husband. The only way to do so would be via Facebook message I'm afraid as we don't know him at all but have deduced who he is via Facebook.

badinage Tue 16-Apr-13 12:57:08

If that really is the only way then I wouldn't do it. You have no idea what position the person is in on the other side of the screen or the phone. They could become suicidal or violent and in general, if someone's going to get a shock at another person's hands, that person has a duty of care even to a stranger.

Autumn12 Tue 16-Apr-13 13:04:43

That is the only way I could do it. Like I said I don't know them and don't live near any of them anyway.

badinage Tue 16-Apr-13 13:07:14

Then don't do it.

Focus on helping your mum and your brother and getting this lovesick drain out of the house, without financial loss to your family.

TimeIsACurrency Tue 16-Apr-13 13:11:03

So sorry your mum (and family) are going through this. Just checking, but has she opened accounts in just her name and arranged to have her wages transferred to that new account? She needs full legal advice but please be careful about telling OW husband. I totally understand why your mum wants to do it, but just be prepared for the nastiness that will could come from your step-father/OW/their friends and family as a result.

PlainBefuddled Tue 16-Apr-13 13:35:14

I had an EA and the wife contacted my DH, though after I had told him. She then ranted on to him, wrote emails and texted as she wanted him to divorce me etc This is when she kept her own husband on and is still married to him a decade later. If the couple ever come up in conversation now, my DH talks of how much he can't stand her as she tried to manipulate him into leaving our marriage that he wanted to stay in. He thinks she wanted him to punish me for wronging her and so lost all credibility to him.

Just to add, I still feel extremely remorseful and wish I had had the Relationships board, with all the insight 10 years ago and i still very much regret what happened.

sleeton Tue 16-Apr-13 14:06:01

I do get the impression PlainBefuddled that you are not so remorseful as to prevent you telling the tale in a fashion that presents the wronged wife in rather a poor light.

You say that she ranted, wrote emails and texted your husband and tried to manipulate him into leaving your marriage, yet you then go on to say you are extremely remorseful and still very much regret what happened.

Did you mean to present this woman (who you and her husband wronged) in such a poor light? That's not very remorseful.

I think her actions were futile, but understandable under those circumstances. It was not she who had a relationship that had the potential to destroy your husband. It was you.

Angelico Tue 16-Apr-13 14:36:21

I would drop the bomb but then I know I would be a 'hell hath no fury' type if it ever happened to me. I'm sorry your mum's DH is being such a cunt. And Sleeton I agree with your every word above.

TheOwlService Tue 16-Apr-13 16:41:12

I would definitely NOT do this. You dont know what it would unleash and at the end of the day is very unlikely to make your mum feel better for longer than 2 minutes.

Plus, like you said you dont need the stress.

eccentrica Tue 16-Apr-13 16:49:42

^^this. To Angelico and sleeton

I'd want to be told if I were him. If he should get very angry with her, well, diddums.

Plainbefuddled "my DH talks of how much he can't stand her as she tried to manipulate him into leaving our marriage that he wanted to stay in."

Congratulations, sounds like you won all round. What a bitch she is hmm

Autumn12 Tue 16-Apr-13 21:39:28

Thanks for all of the replies. I'm actually finding it all a bit of a strain. Unfortunately my mum doesn't have any friends so I am the only person she has to talk to about it all.

Tenacity Wed 17-Apr-13 03:09:54

Why don't you direct your mum onto this section Autumn? She will find tonnes of advice from previous posts or she can start a new one here?

EugenesAxe Wed 17-Apr-13 03:29:40

I completely agree with AuntieStella - don't do out of spite but out of respect for the guy's feelings, in a frank and non-ranty way.

If OW is in any way trying to hide it begs the question whether her heart is in the breakaway relationship with your step-dad. It might end with him begging for forgiveness & asking to be taken back. I agree this would be a good way to force people's hands into definite action, and end your DM's torment.

NotTreadingGrapes Wed 17-Apr-13 06:50:49

Your Mum needs to channel her energies into herself, and finding her own way through this.

Contacting in any way the woman's husband will achieve nothing. For anybody.

No wronged wife on this planet has ever contacted the other woman's husband for an altruistic reason.

I second the idea of suggesting to your Mum that she looks on here, she will get step by step advice on how to proceed legally.

Autumn12 Wed 17-Apr-13 08:57:44

I'd love her to come on here but she's not really much of an Internet user.
I just wish she had some friends that she could lean on a bit .

Lucylloyd13 Wed 17-Apr-13 13:11:43

She who embrarks upon a journey of revenge should be prepared to dig two graves.

You have no business in interfering with your parents realtionship. Support your mother yes. Let your father know that you disapprove, by all means. But third party interference is awash with unintended consequences.

If your father wants this woman, and she wants him, then they should do what is required. If your mother is tolerating this relationship she should not, and force your father's hand.

You are unlikely to have the full story of your parents relationship from both sides, you have no idea of the state of the OW's relationship. If you think you can dip in, make waves, and then dip out, you are mistaken.

Autumn12 Wed 17-Apr-13 13:13:50

He is not my father.

Where have I said I want to dip in make waves and then dip out?

Lucylloyd13 Wed 17-Apr-13 13:40:45

Autumn, I am sorry, I assumed that your mothers husband was your father. So he is your step father? How has your relationship been with him? Do you have any influence?

If you are contemplating contacting an unknown man to tell him that his wife is unfaithful I assume you had not intended an ongoing relationship thereafter- hence "dipping in and dipping out".

The pivotal person here is your mother. Helping her to make the right decision is your best bet, and one you can best influence. If that means her ending the marriage, fair enough.

You risk precipitating a situation where your mother's husband and this woman could be thrown together by your actions, with her husband and children casting you as the meddlsome villain of the piece.It is not a risk I would want to take.

DontmindifIdo Wed 17-Apr-13 13:45:18

I actually think the OW's DH should be told as I said earlier, not because your mum should be after revenge, but because this poor man should know what's about to hit him.

think about it this way, your Mum's H hasn't actually left yet, but is in conversation with OW possibly about her leaving with him. Your Mum has this time to go get advice (please, please get her to talk to a solicitor) - get herself prepared and in a strong position.

This man has no idea what's going on. His wife might one day just tell him and deliver it as a done deal. He has no time to prepare, work out his position, and is possibly trying his hardest to save his marriage with no idea why his wife is being odd with him.

Tell him, not to get revenge and then don't badger him to do anything in particular with that, but it's not fair to withold this information from him.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 17-Apr-13 13:50:17

As I said the OW's H was very grateful that I told him - and no, I did not tell him because I wanted revenge, but because having been wronged, I knew I would have liked to be told what was really happening in my marriage.

Autumn12 Wed 17-Apr-13 15:24:49

Just to make it clear I have no intention of telling this man myself. All I could do would be to aid my mother in finding contact details for him if she decided that she wanted to tell him.

I suppose he is technically my stepfather, but he met my mother when I was already an adult so I have never regarded him in that way. We have always got on well but after how he has behaved I have no intention of continuing a relationship with him.

I understand that I do not know all of the in's and outs of their marriage, and I also know my mother can be a difficult woman. However, he ought to have handled exiting the marriage in a much better way. She has been completely blindsided becuase he has never discussed his unhappiness with her, he has just presented it as a fait accompli that he no longer loves her and is not prepared to try to work on any issues. He is now refusing to move out and is rubbing my mothers nose in his affair daily. She feels that she has to sit and take it as she has made a promise to my younger brother that she will not fight with his Dad so as not to disrupt his GCSE revision.

To top it off he seems to now be trying to paint my mother in a bad light to my brother. If the OW's husband and children find out about the affair and it throws them together then good as it may mean he will move out sooner.

DontmindifIdo Wed 17-Apr-13 15:39:26

I think if the OW's DH finds out, it might not throw your step-dad and her together, but might mean her DH makes her chose and she choses him. At least then it might make your step dad realise what he's doing/risking losing - at the moment he's in control and has everything, his DW and family trying to make him happy, his affair for fun, he gets to decide what happens when - if the OW's DH knows, then your step-father stops being the one in control, and will be forced to face the mess he's made.

Personally, I think your mother needs good legal advice, and start planning for throwing him out once your DB's GCSEs are over. If she can't afford the rent on her own, give notice on the house and look for something cheaper etc. She needs to start planning for life without him - he might beg her to take him back and she decides to give him a second chance, but knowing that she can cope without him would be a good start for her to feel more in control too.

Autumn12 Wed 17-Apr-13 15:55:28

It's actually a council house so she won't find anywhere cheaper, but I have told her to see a solicitor. I think she may be entitled to some of his pension which would help.

I don't think there's a chance in hell he will want to stay with my mother, but sadly I do sometimes suspect that she may be hoping for that to happen though she doesn't admit so.

badinage Wed 17-Apr-13 15:56:23

He probably didn't discuss any 'unhappiness' with her because there was none, on his part at least.

I think there's another myth at large here too. That the presence of two parents in a house during GCSEs is requisite to good results. Even if there is tension so high you could take a match to it and even if one of the parents is being cruel and acting like a lovesick teenager.

What GCSE students need most is a place of calm and peace, not a warzone of seething resentment.

The truth is, if OW left her own relationship in the next few weeks, your stepdad would bugger off in a heartbeat, even if it was the night before his son's first examination. If your mum gets him out now, she can control the timing and your brother would have at least a few weeks to get used to it before the first exams in May.

Autumn12 Wed 17-Apr-13 15:57:56

Yes nail on head Badinage. He is really staying because it suits him as he has nowhere to go.

badinage Wed 17-Apr-13 16:07:24

Honestly the best thing for her own self respect and also her son's welfare is to get this texting, lovesick drain out of the house and tell him she wouldn't take him back even if he begged.

She doesn't have to mean that of course, although it would be great if she did.

But funnily enough, if there's any chance of this idiot coming to his senses and realising what he stands to lose, it will only happen when he loses his safety net. And while I wish more women would permanently dump men who treat them like this, I do know a few very silly men and women who've lost their heads for a time in midlife crisis affairs and who've repaired their relationships. But all of their partners got tough, didn't stand for any nonsense and only then did they start to 'get it'.

Autumn12 Wed 17-Apr-13 16:12:27

I completely agree and have told her all of this. She is a very dependent person and I am finding it a little bit frustrating that she is being so passive about it all. I am trying to help and be supportive but would also like to give her a massive kick up the arse.

badinage Wed 17-Apr-13 16:14:34

If she starts her own thread here, I'm available for kicking purposes wink

HandsomeEddy Wed 17-Apr-13 16:16:25

Who's name in the council house in? Legal help and protecting her money is the most important thing for her to concentrate on right now. I'm so sorry for your mum.

Autumn12 Wed 17-Apr-13 16:21:29

I am having to talk her through changing her email password - a forum is way beyond her right now I'm afraid!

House is in both names.

HandsomeEddy Wed 17-Apr-13 16:29:23

Oh good at least there's some protection for her housing then.

Do you know if it has any legal implication (ie reflects badly on her when trying to make a claim on disputed savings/pensions etc) if she contacted the other husband? You know if they made her look like a psycho scorned ex out for revenge?

I don't know, but I've experienced something recently in another type of case when people's conduct surrounding the case was considered. Maybe worth checking?

DontmindifIdo Wed 17-Apr-13 18:11:35

I don't think behaviour of either party makes much of a difference in financial settlements, so long as she's not vicious - if she was to keep contacting the OW's DH without him wanting her too, or if she just caused a big fuss, that might be a different thing, but just telling him (and asking her H to leave!) wouldn't be considered extreme behaviour in a divorce.

The big reason she needs to see a solicitor not just someone giving benefits advice is she will have a claim for herself, not just for child support. Plus if she's convinced the debts in her name will mean she has to be the one to pay them (and if he thinks the same thing) hearing from a solicitor that's not the case might make her stronger. Word it as "look, he's probably going to leave you once DB's GCSEs are over, let's go talk to a solicitor and see where you stand so you can do some more planning".

Another option if she doesn't want to contact OW's DH would be to get her to tell your step-dad that once your DB's GCSEs are over she'll be starting divorce proceedings on the grounds of adultary and naming OW, that OW might want to take the chance to tell her DH herself, rather for him to find out that his wife is being named in someone else's divorce. That forces the issue without your Mum having to be the one to make the call.

MaryRobinson Wed 17-Apr-13 18:29:17

My work colleague was the husband of an OW. The grown up (20) child of the OM told him. He was not happy and it took a good twelve months for him to calm down.

The child's point of view - which I share- is that if you are prepared to dump an affair sized bomb into someone else's family, you have no cause for complaint when the favour is returned. Tell him, she does not deserve your discretion.

crossparsley Wed 17-Apr-13 18:38:41

and her own son can do his GCSEs without this stress

For me, that boy is the reason not to do this. He's not the OW (although it seems that your mum is linking his happiness with hers, understandably). He's another completely innocent person, like your mum, your brother and the OW's DH. Your mum's husband has decided to explode his son's world and I am really sorry to hear that. But don't help your mum bring another child's world crashing down. It might happen anyway without her or your interference. But if your mum has a conscience, and I am sure she does, she would regret doing this sooner rather than later.

Maybe you could contact the OW, let her know what emotional damage she and your mum's husband have done? If your mum really needs to feel avenged, guilt and shame -when deserved - always feel worse than genuine hurt, which telling tales would inflict on innocent parties.

Autumn12 Wed 17-Apr-13 21:28:13

I'm not sure how much guilt she will feel. Certainly not enough to stop the Facebook flirting only days after it all came out.

She has threatened to name OW in divorce but he maintains there was/is no affair and so she has no grounds for divorce. Does she need to provide proof?

Lucylloyd13 Thu 18-Apr-13 15:48:37

I continue to believe that telling the OWH is dangerous and unpredictable, helping your mother take control of her life the better course of action, and the easier one to manage.

It is perfectly possible that the OWH will have her back leaving your mother with a man whose exit route has been shut down and will try to effect a reconciliation with your mother.

OW and OWH live happily ever after- your mother and H do not.

LisaMed Thu 18-Apr-13 15:59:25

iirc you do not need forensic quality evidence to divorce. Your mother could try a visit to a solicitor and divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. A decent family lawyer will be able to scratch enough examples together. Inappropriate and distressing messages on facebook is a start. Then there are attempts at financial abuse (refusing access to joint account) etc. The marriage has irretrievably broken down due to the the behaviour of the husband. hth

Snuppeline Thu 18-Apr-13 16:15:17

I too am sorry for your mom. I'm not going to repeat all the excellent advise which has been given here but I did want to say that I think your brothers reaction to his fathers affair is a little off the mark. I would be concerned that he does not care that his mother is being treated shoddily but that his dad should stick around at any cost. Could you not speak to him and explain that this sort of behaviour is not right? Sorry, I'm sure your brother is a lovely boy and he certainly deserves to study in peace. It just seems odd. Has your stepdad been treating your mother poorly over time so your brother is conditioned to it?

Autumn12 Thu 18-Apr-13 17:01:49

Not that I'm aware of Snupperline. My brother has been pandered to quite a bit though and is not the most thoughtful of people. He is also quite young for his age and has no idea about relationships. He has kept out of the way as much as posiible and has no idea about what exactly has been said. So I think he see's it as my Mum making a fuss and causing arguments while his Dad isn't.

I can't really wade in and fill my brother in on exactly what's been happening without seeming like I'm running his Dad down to him though.

DontmindifIdo Thu 18-Apr-13 17:37:00

I think if your DB is a rather immature 16 year old, then I wouldn't tell him, because he might confront his Dad, cause an arguement, get wound up about the situation and take the focus off his exams. You don't know how he'll react.

Autumn12 Thu 18-Apr-13 21:29:52

Lol no he wouldn't do that he'd just stay in his room and hope it all went away.

nomdesw2 Sat 20-Apr-13 15:59:16

OP, you said somewhere upthread that your Mum cannot afford to live on her wages butthat she doesn't want to have to give up work and live on benefits.

It is not an "either or" situation.

In the event of her H moving out and her earnings being insufficient she would be able to claim housing and council tax benefits as well as tax credits to top up her income.

Get her to have a look at the calculator on www.entitled.co.uk . She can put all her info in and get an idea of what her true income post-split would be.

Autumn12 Sat 20-Apr-13 17:03:55

Hi she already has had advice and she isn't eligible for housing benefit only tax credits. She would still be unable to afford to live.
She is going to have to cut her hours at work to take her under the threshold which is bloody ridiculous, but there you go.

nomdesw2 Sat 20-Apr-13 17:20:27

That is ridiculous.

Would she be in a more liveable position if she didn't have debt repayments to make? Worth taking debt advice from one of the debt charities?

She's lucky to have your support, but i hope yr able to keep some distance and not get too stressed about it all. M7ch easier said than done, i know.

Autumn12 Mon 22-Apr-13 12:21:14

I'm not sure about the debts. I think she realises now that he is liable too even if they are in her name.

She has seen a solicitor, but has been told to wait 3 months before filing for a divorce as apparently many women change their mind once the shock has worn off. I think that's crap advice as she doesn't really have a choice to change her mind. Her husband is not interested at all. I do feel that is she were to file he would be made to face up to the reality of the situation.

She did end up telling the OW's husband, off her own back and nothing to do with me. She hasn't had any response though. OW and my mothers husband are still flirting all over facebook without a care in the world. I'm wondering if OW hasn't managed to persuade him that it's not true?

Interestingly, it turns out that OW and husband are well known to relatives of ours. They have told my mother that they can't see the OW leaving her husband as they have a son who requires 24 hour care, which they both provide. I do hope that this hasn't given my mother false hope that things would blow over if the OW's husband was told. I'm sure people do still split up in such circumstances, and perhaps for the sake of this son they stay together and overlook certain things - who knows?

Autumn12 Thu 25-Apr-13 11:22:30

Just a quick update for those of you who posted with advice and support.

My Mum has managed to get evidence of the "great love" affair in the form of an email. I have seen it and it shows what a nasty piece of work her soon to be EX H really is. I only hope that one day my brother comes to this realisation and stops idolising him.

Anyway, OW's husband will be finding out about the affair tonight. Part of me hopes that he goes and punches my mum's husband in the face, although I know that violence isn't the answer. According to the email OW is aware that her husbnad is becoming suspicious but "Hey-Ho". Glad they both have such a carefree attitude to destroying people's lives.

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