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AIBU re two hours off?

(165 Posts)
Happydotcom Fri 12-Apr-13 12:28:35

I had a terrible time with PND since ds was born. He's now nearly two and I'd arranged some counselling sessions via GP.

DH came home to look after ds so I could go . I said I'd be gone 1800-2000 with traveling time. Ds had been fine all day and turned phone on silent when I arrived at session.

After my hr was up, I checked my phone.....10 missed calls and horrible texts from DH " if you can be bothered to answer..your son our son is being sick. You need to get home now.

I called as soon as I could and he went nuclear saying I need to get back o start cleaning up!

Arrived home, ds was fine. Vomit everywhere, pile of washing dumped on landing ' for me to do'

AIBU to have gone.....? Ds was honestly fine before and after I got home. He made me feel so guilty for going. It wasn't like I was clubbing!

Pilgit Fri 12-Apr-13 12:35:43

YANBU - phones have to be turned off for counselling sessions. Totally unreasonable of him to not be able to cope - and why has he not cleaned up? Why is that your job? You have PND, you need counselling. He is a grown up and so should be able to cope with his own child.

Finola1step Fri 12-Apr-13 12:38:17

If the roles were reversed, what would have happened? Would you have called your husband expecting him to come home?

I'm guessing that you would have cleaned up your son, sorted out the washing and got on with it. That's all part of being a parent. Did your husband see it that he was parenting or babysitting for you.

Congratulations on starting your counselling. Keep going. How does your husband feel about you going to see a counsellor? Might be wise to discuss this situation in your next session.

Happydotcom Fri 12-Apr-13 12:38:18

Exactly pilgit
Is wasn't like ds needed 999 treatment . DH is a dr too. I just feel so mad.

Post counselling before looking at my phone I felt calmer than I had done in months sad

yaimee Fri 12-Apr-13 12:39:07

of course not.
is your dp not capable of operating a washing machine?
In all seriousness do you think that the attitude of your dp could be contributing to your pnd? He sounds extremely unsupportive at best and at worst downright nasty.
Make sure you go to your sessions, you are going exactly because you care for your child.not instead of. Getting better will make for a much happier life for you and ds.
Chin up op, hope things get better flowers

Happydotcom Fri 12-Apr-13 12:40:02

When I've been with ds, I've never contacted DH at work if he was poorly, I just get on. I would in an emergency but not for three vomits and a runny nappy!!!!

Nooneelseisallowedafergus Fri 12-Apr-13 12:40:15

I think your DH needs a lot more practise at being a dad. Hopefully, with each day he will become more of a man and less of a knob.

livinginwonderland Fri 12-Apr-13 12:40:26

can he really not look after his own sick child? all he had to do was clean up the vomit, put some laundry on and make sure DS was okay. he was sick, it's hardly rocket science!

Gales Fri 12-Apr-13 12:40:29

Even if we were both in the house, cleaning up vomit would have been DH's job! He would do it while poorly LO wanted his mum smile

Is he usually so nasty/incapable/lazy or was he scared/upset by unexpectedly having a sick child to care for?

YANBU BTW. I hope DS is better soon and that you get the help you need for your PND.

HumphreyCobbler Fri 12-Apr-13 12:41:02

he sounds like a complete git

is he trying to sabotage your counselling? Obviously he didn't make your son sick but his reaction to that is extremely shitty.

He needs to grow the fuck up. Sorry but this would make me soooo angry.

How dare he leave the cleani.g for you to do?!

You were not being unreasonable. Dont ever let him make you think that. Is it always like this?

Finola1step Fri 12-Apr-13 12:41:35

Oh, just seen that your DH is a dr. In my mind, this makes his reaction even more inappropriate. He should be able to deal with a poorly child and understand the need for you to be with your counsellor. Agreed that phones are switched of during sessions.

Happydotcom Fri 12-Apr-13 12:42:03

I think his attitude does contribute to how I feel.

I've booked a session for next week. and will leave my phone in the car switched off

Gales Fri 12-Apr-13 12:43:41

PS My Dad, DS1's granddad, coped with exactly the same situation when I was at work once. I got home to find them both in their underwear, with the heating turned up full because they'd run out of clean clothes, but both they and the house were clean and the washing machine was running grin

Dad didn't even call me - I had no idea anyone was ill 'til I got home.

Sugarice Fri 12-Apr-13 12:43:49

What awful behaviour from him, texting shitty messges and not cleaning up your ds's sick.

He sounds a bit of a prat, is he supportive the rest of the time?

allmycats Fri 12-Apr-13 12:44:14

Is he usually a bully - is part of your PND connected with his attitudes towards you. He should be supporting you not harrassing you. Perhaps he needs to look to supporting you more.

Lovelygoldboots Fri 12-Apr-13 12:45:31

I am shocked, his attitude stinks. He is trying to make you feel guilty. I would have left the washing on his side of the bed.

your husband sounds like a selfish arse!!

If he can't cope with looking after his own child for 2 hours there is something wrong with him. Maybe HE is the reason you need counselling!

KnittedC Fri 12-Apr-13 12:46:21

How does your DH feel about your counselling, has he been supportive about it? Like HumphreyCobbler, my first thought was whether he was trying to sabotage it - do you think this is a possibility?

If this is typical of the way your husband behaves, then I don't think it's entirely surprising that you are struggling emotionally. Is he always an arse or did this count as a special occasion?

At your next session, I think you should explain that you came out of the last session feeling much better, then sank again as soon as you got a whole pile of text messages and missed calls suggesting that you don't care about your child's welfare since you dared to turn your phone off and your husband felt unable to deal with his own child for two hours at a stretch.

I think the counsellor needs to know what it is you are facing, and what things are going to help or hinder your recovery - and your husband sounds like a big mark in the 'hinder' column.

TobyLerone Fri 12-Apr-13 12:48:54

Your husband is a dick and is unlikely to be helping you with the hard time you're having at the moment.

The text sounds worryingly like something my XH would have sent. He was an abusive arse. Still is. I just don't have to put up with it any more.

Happydotcom Fri 12-Apr-13 12:49:41

I do find his behaviour bullying sometimes, he's not supportive.

Yes, I'm sure my PND would have been improving if it wasn't for his attitude!

I felt harassed. It was the same when ds hit his head while in DH 's care and I was having hair cut. I was expected to run out of the shop home....now.

Arse.

Finola1step Fri 12-Apr-13 12:51:19

At the very most, I think it would have been ok for your husband to send a quick text. Something along the lines of "little one not well. Please call as soon as you have finished in case you need to pick up anything on way home". That level of contact would be fine because you would not be expected to respond straight away.

I do think this situation could be in response to your husband's view on your counselling. As a dr, is he feeling undermined that he could not "fix" your PND? Is he worried that you will find out things that threaten the status quo for him?

In contrast, when I was seeing a counsellor, DH would look after our DD even tough it then meant catching up in work in the evening. But I would do the same for him.

NumericalMum Fri 12-Apr-13 12:51:24

Wow. Your DH is a doctor and your child's father and he couldn't be alone with him for an hour while you had counselling. No wonder you have PND! I suggest you show him this thread and suggest he bucks up!

Gales Fri 12-Apr-13 12:52:42

This man is allowed to work as a doctor? shock

How has he been since? Does he see that he was horrible and really should have been able to cope, or does he still think he was right?

Your husband is a twat.

You should definitely tell your counsellor next week what happened -- it's important. I also have a feeling his behaviour contributes a lot to your PND.

Yes gastro is disgusting, dealing with it on your own is no fun, but there's no way I would interrupt a counselling session over it! What the hell kind of doctor is he?

Sugarice Fri 12-Apr-13 12:55:05

Did he have twat tendencies before your ds was born?

OxfordBags Fri 12-Apr-13 12:56:00

Everything Finola said. The way he behaved was totally unacceptable and pathetic, but the fact that he is a Dr makes it miles worse. If anyone should be able to deal with some vomit and poo and understand the need for phones to be off during a counselling session, it's a bloody Doctor!

Your depression could well be based in part (or even its entirety) due to his shitty attitude. Does he see all the housework and all the childcare as 'your' work? If he has suddenly turned this way, or get worse than he was about housework, etc., that coupled with the massive life change of having a child, must have really destabilised you, made you doubt yourself, feel invisible, worthless, question your own status and abilities, etc.

A grown adult who can't put a bit of washing on and deal with their own sick child is not fit to be a partner or parent, IMHO. Before anyone says that he's 'only a man', a woman would just not behave this way. Apart from how fucking cheeky it is to keep calling you during your session, it says really negative things about his parenting; he should want to look after and care for his own child, especially when the baby is ill and he is a bloody Doctor!

I think your PND is not just about hormones and the shock of a new lifestyle. Your Dh sounds really selfish and unsupportive. Defo sounds like he seized this as a way to sabotage you. You should being this up with your counsellor at the next session. So sorry you have to put up with this.

Happydotcom Fri 12-Apr-13 12:56:30

DH still thinks he's in the right. It was him who was v pro counselling in the first place.

I wish we had a tumble dryer so I could put DH in it I get any bedding dry in this wet weather.

OxfordBags Fri 12-Apr-13 12:57:10

PS It's very depressing that he will deal with sick people all day for pay, but doesn't want to deal with his own sick baby sad

Happydotcom Fri 12-Apr-13 12:58:28

Oxford.....I agree with everything you posted and ill bring this up next week.

Whoknowswhocares Fri 12-Apr-13 13:01:15

Even if you were about clubbing, it wouldn't mean you don't qualify for some time to yourself!
Your son has 2 parents, both of whom should be fully capable of loading the bloody washing machine and comforting a poorly child. Particularly the one who is a trained medical practitioner.
Your oh is an arse. A selfish, pig of a man who should know better and that it is imperative that you attend counselling for your own well being.
I'd wager that it is not PND so much as depression brought on by living with a git who treats you like crap, if this is indicative of your relationship overall

OxfordBags Fri 12-Apr-13 13:02:16

You keep up that counselling and stay strong in the face of his twatittude. Being pro counselling in theory but then supporting you when it's actually happening are two separate things. The first is him feeling good and magnanimous about himself for helping you and you taking his excellent advice, etc., etc., and the second is about him not wanting to actually put himself out and literally support you in getting that help, not wanting to do childcare and housework which is clearly beneath him. The two both point to a self-centred man.

AllDirections Fri 12-Apr-13 13:02:32

YANBU He just didn't want to clean up the vomit, cos I'll bet he thinks that's your job hmm

brdgrl Fri 12-Apr-13 13:03:02

That's really, really awful.
No wonder you are struggling, PND or no PND, it sounds like there is a pretty unfair division of parenting responsibility going on.
I hope you aren't shouldering too much of the responsibility for your own difficulties - I think anyone would be struggling to deal with that kind of shitty attitude from the other parent. sad

OxfordBags Fri 12-Apr-13 13:03:29

BTW, I used to be in a relationship with an emotionally abusive partner, and I (apparently) suffered from quite severe depression. Funnily enough, once I left him, it disappeared like magic hmm

brdgrl Fri 12-Apr-13 13:03:51

...and yeah, what whoknowswhocares said.

yaimee Fri 12-Apr-13 13:04:52

Agree with oxford
He needs to be pro counselling in practice as well as theory.

5madthings Fri 12-Apr-13 13:06:28

Yanbu he is a massive arse!

What would he say if you sent those same messages to him every time your son has been Ill whilst he was out?!!

Sugarice Fri 12-Apr-13 13:06:51

Was he twattish before ds was born?

quoteunquote Fri 12-Apr-13 13:07:35

No one is ever going to feel happy living with someone who behaves towards them in such a vile way,

I suggest your husband gets some counselling to work out if he is capable of being loving, kind and part of a supportive partnership.

Is there a special reason why he is inadequate at parenting and normal household chores, or is a choice,

Either way, unless he conquerers these failings, you are going to find it hard to feel differently.

Happydotcom Fri 12-Apr-13 13:08:59

Yes, he expects a night hood if he loads the dishwasher after being asked

His attitude towards me sometimes is disgusting. I think his behaviour is contributing to my feeling low.

Sugarice Fri 12-Apr-13 13:10:16

Do you work OP and have your own income at all?

YoniDaChillOut Fri 12-Apr-13 13:14:01

what afucking asshole! but you knew he was liek this right?

sleeton Fri 12-Apr-13 13:16:30

It is crystal clear why you need counselling. Maybe couple counselling too ... he has to make some changes.
Hope you don't mind me being curious Happydotcom what sort of doctor is he?

p.s. Why not order a tumbledryer today? He could hardly object, he's seen the amount of laundry a toddler can create.

Shenanagins Fri 12-Apr-13 13:17:37

I would have gone nuclear at him not being able to deal with a sick child and get the clothes in the washing machine as after all he is the parent as well.

i would also have been furious at the texts given that it wasn't an emergency.

5madthings Fri 12-Apr-13 13:20:05

I don't think couples counselling is recommended when a man is being emotionally abusive.

I think you have bigger problems op if this is symptomatic of the way he treats you in general sad

TumbleWeeds Fri 12-Apr-13 13:26:41

I am not sure what else to say.

You KNOW that he is completely unreasonable.

Please keep up with counselling!

Smellslikecatspee Fri 12-Apr-13 13:27:10

total and utter arse

No One would blame/be in the least bit surprised at anyone being depressed in this situation

angeltattoo Fri 12-Apr-13 13:28:57

What they all said. ^

also, did you then clean up/put the washing on? If so, why? You should have refused, if he can practice medicine he can working a washing machine, any excuse is exactly that and quite frankly, disguisting behaviour to boot. What this says about his thoughts and feelings towards you and his child is scary.

There are serious issues here, make sure you continue with counselling preempt all his sabotagging efforts and please, please do something to help yourself out of this horrible situation.

flowers

sherbetpips Fri 12-Apr-13 13:30:00

Not the first time I have heard or experienced this. My best friends husband made her come home in the middle of the hair appointment (with bleach still in her hair) because the baby wouldn't stop bloody screaming and he would leave the house if she didn't come home. I know him personally and he is not a dick, etc or any of the other words that will be used to describe husbands like him he just doesn't cope well with the baby scenarios and she no makes alternative arrangements. He is a great dad and husband and the kids love him to bits.
My DH freaks out if he has really dirty hands (could be poo, sick, raw chicken, etc) and will not touch anything, he was once covered in poo after a particularly bad exploding loose nappy and told me I had to get home to help straight away. He didn't want to touch the taps or anything in case he spread more poo around. I asked him what he thought I did when he wasnt there to call on.....

I think your counselling sessions need to be about a lot more than PND then. You need to be able to see that his behaviour is unacceptable, if you don't already, and to feel able to challenge him on it and/or get up the strength to leave him if he is not capable of change.

I would hope that a counsellor would talk about your whole situation rather than focussing on what you initially said was the problem, but I don't have experience of how it works. You certainly need to raise this as an issue at your next session - even if you only want to focus on talking about PND, the rest of your life is part of the context and makes a difference to how you try to tackle it.

givemeaclue Fri 12-Apr-13 13:37:22

Why do so many women marry totally hopeless men

SwishSwoshSwoosh Fri 12-Apr-13 13:37:38

Oh dear, he sounds unspeakable. I am so sorry he is not supportive.

Hopefully your counselling will help you talk through these issues too.

SwishSwoshSwoosh Fri 12-Apr-13 13:38:33

Not hopeless, unkind in this case IMO sad

glossyflower Fri 12-Apr-13 13:39:40

Sorry but I have to agree your husband sounds like a dickhead.
Plus, the fact he's a doctor doesn't really come into it from my personal view as a nurse.
Most (not all) doctors are self righteous arrogant arseholes who despite being a qualified doctor would never dream of clearing up vomit or poo themselves they would leave that job to us minions (nurses).
I watched at doctor knock a jug of water on the floor, then gave me a pitiful look across the room as if to say sorry about that you have to clean it up now. I just went off to collect the bucket and mop and put it in his hands grin

5madthings Fri 12-Apr-13 13:41:01

Any adult man or woman that has issues meaning they can't deal with a screaming baby or poo or vomit etc needs to get help to sort them out. Rushing home to help them out is enabling it to continue.

There was a thread a while ago with an emetaphobe (phobia of vomit) and her child was sick and she had no support, she got help and support to deal with it. What do you think single parents do?

Jux Fri 12-Apr-13 13:41:04

He's a doctor. He expects to have nurses hanging about whose main delight is to clean up.

Does he do DIY? Are you expected to watch him doing it, handing him instruments tools when he puts out his hand?

Actually it's nothing to do with being a doctor, merely to do with being an entitled arse. However, as he is a doctor, you can expect him to be intelligent enough to understand that you are not his skivvy, nor his acolyte, but an equally important human being.

Bearbehind Fri 12-Apr-13 13:41:50

happy it does sound like your twat of a husband is contributing greatly to your need for counselling. Does he seriously think that his behaviour was acceptable?

sherbetpips how did your husband manage to touch a phone to ask you to come home but not touch a tap to wash poo off himself???

josiejay Fri 12-Apr-13 13:48:05

My DH is rubbish with vomit, it makes him feel really ill and if we were both in the house when a DC gets sick it would normally be me who would deal with it. But there is no way he would call me back from any appointment (let alone something as important as a counselling session) to clean up sick.

It's an absolutely dreadful lack of support he's showing and I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. He should be moving heaven and earth to get you any help that you need and looking after his own child is the absolute bare minimum.

Do raise this in your counselling because he sounds like he is contributing to your problems.

flowery Fri 12-Apr-13 13:51:02

He thinks he's in the right? He thinks its absolutely right and proper that a qualified doctor is incapable of looking after a vomiting toddler? Good lord.

kerala Fri 12-Apr-13 13:59:43

Good lord indeed. Am shock. My first night out after DD2 on my return looked in on both girls. Both had different nightwear and bedclothes on. Walked into sitting room DH told me about his evening of dual vomitting both girls sick all over everywhere - being a sentient adult and parent he had dealt with it, washing machine was whirring away. I had been drinking wine with my friends he hadn't even texted to let me know as he wanted me to have a good time. He is their father its not "my job" to deal with stuff like this when I am out and about and they are with him. Am shocked by your DH the fact he is a doctor makes it worse mine is only a lawyer and dealt with it without batting an eyelid and not a WHISPER of poor me you were out.

Corygal Fri 12-Apr-13 14:04:07

The only time I've ever recalled a parent was when their 3 month yr old went ballistic on me in a foreign country and I was worried she had a forrin lurgy. (She did).

Your DH is just silly. Have you told your counsellor?

RenterNomad Fri 12-Apr-13 15:18:03

What everyone else said.

Can you get through to him using your DS, how scared he was that "he" made Daddy so angry? Presumably, he was with your H when he went mad at you over the phone

DH was a SAHD to DS2 who due to recurrent tonsillitis was a recurrent vomiter, he never felt the need to ring me at work. Blokes can and do deal with these problems.

In a sense your DH has done you a favour by being such an arse. It is clear that he is being totally U and that his behaviour may be part of the problem. Its not one of those situations where you doubt your own judgment, you know he was being unreasonable so the only question is why.

As he is a doctor I doubt he is squeemish or liable to panic at vomit so I do agree with others that he didn't see it as his role to do the "shitwork" that's your job and he wasn't going to lower himself to do it.

Squitten Fri 12-Apr-13 15:37:34

WTAF?! He expected you to "get home" to clear up after a bit of sick?! And he's a doctor?!?! shock

I agree with everyone else - your symptoms are highly likely to be connected directly to your pig of a husband

StuntGirl Fri 12-Apr-13 15:38:19

Well, I think it's pretty obvious why you have depression and need counselling.

If my partner did that to me I would have gone absolutely batshit when I got home, and made it clear he is never to do that again. You were at counselling. He was caring for his child. That means he actually cares for his child while you're away. Not literally just hold the baby until you get back. Inadequate twat.

Please bring this up with your counsellor at your next visit, and make it crystal clear to your husband he is to behave like the grown up he supposedly is while you're away.

MajaBiene Fri 12-Apr-13 15:38:50

Wow. I'm guessing your PND is actually more to do with your DH than the baby.

Happydotcom Fri 12-Apr-13 15:44:30

Thank you all. Just been in laundrette for ages.

He was a bit like that before ds was born but worse now. I will bring this up next week.

I do work pt but literally all my salary goes on ds nursery fees. That was the condition of me going back to work.

I'm still fuming but thank you all smile

I have thought lately of exit strategies .......more so now.

5madthings Fri 12-Apr-13 15:46:52

All your wages go on nursery fees and that was a condition of you going back to work? You mean your dh refused to contribute to the childcare that you both need?

Can I ask what you do for money if all your wages go on childcare?

5madthings Fri 12-Apr-13 15:47:47

happy if you are thinking of exit strategies do a thread in relationships, you will get lots if advice and support smile

HumphreyCobbler Fri 12-Apr-13 15:47:47

whose 'condition' was that?

I am not surprised you are thinking of exit strategies. You are under no illusions, are you?

HumphreyCobbler Fri 12-Apr-13 15:48:32

hang on to your righteous anger happy

Please post in Relationships.

This man is abusive.

I never say LTB, but in the case I really do think you should! He's an absolute twat! shock Hell would freeze over before I allowed anyone to speak to me like that, what an absolute cheeky bastard he is. You really don't have to take his shit you know, he's not the boss of you, please remember that.

StuntGirl Fri 12-Apr-13 15:51:10

Good god, he's an utter slug isn't he?

So, he doesn't think childcare should be a joint responsibility then? Either financially or in terms of actually taking responsibility for his child while he is supposedly looking after him. What a charmer.

I don't usually respond to threads with "LTB", but in this case I think it may well be the best solution to the situation you are in. It's certainly an option that you should be weighing up in your own mind against any theoretical possibility of him stopping being an arse.

Unfortunately a lot of "bit of an arse" men before children turn into "undeniable arse" after children, as their assumptions about what women ought to do (like, all the shitwork) come out into the open.

Sugarice Fri 12-Apr-13 15:55:53

Off tangent but is your washing machine broken?

Happydotcom Fri 12-Apr-13 15:59:51

Sugar.......no, just getting duvets washed and dried.

I'll ask mnhq to move to relationships.

Sugarice Fri 12-Apr-13 16:01:35

Okay, just thinking of vomit covered clothes and having no washing machine, nightmare!

5madthings Fri 12-Apr-13 16:06:06

Glad to see you moving it to relationships, you will get support and pleas talk to your could seller about this.

Have you kept the text messages?

RevoltingPeasant Fri 12-Apr-13 16:11:23

happy I thought a bit before posting this, as I really don't like to be a drama llama, but I couldn't help noticing....

You left your DH to go and get your hair done (something that makes you feel good about yourself, I guess). DS bangs his head.

You left your DH to go and get counselling. DS was dramatically ill... but then fine when you got back.

Do you think there is a pattern here?

AThingInYourLife Fri 12-Apr-13 16:23:59

Well observed, Revolting.

RevoltingPeasant Fri 12-Apr-13 16:26:32

I really hope not, Thing. It just... struck me it would be awfully easy for a doctor to give a child something that wouldn't harm them but would irritate their tummy enough to make them throw up.

HumphreyCobbler Fri 12-Apr-13 16:33:43

It wasn't happy's DH with the hair cut

Humphrey
I don't understand your post. Happy does say that DS bumped his head with DH when she was having a haircut.

Crinkle77 Fri 12-Apr-13 16:48:27

And why is it your job? It is his child too. What an arse hole

currentbuns Fri 12-Apr-13 16:52:53

I agree with everyone else. This man sounds nasty, controlling and vindictive. Unfortunately, he is also extremely unlikely to change.

RevoltingPeasant Fri 12-Apr-13 17:01:58

Humphrey I think two separate posters told stories about their DHs calling them out of salons and one was the OP. I think.

Anyhow OP I hope my suggestion hasn't upset you or anything - I do know you and your DH are real people and it must be horrid to think about him in that light.

SirChenjin Fri 12-Apr-13 17:08:52

LTB (first time I've said that in the many, many years I've been on MN). Seriously. Your H sounds awful, absolutely horrible. Do you have access to money? If so (and hopefully there will be a bit in the account, given he's a Dr) I would suggest you leave him now, and go and see a lawyer on Monday. You poor thing, no wonder you have PND if he is always this vile sad

Happydotcom Fri 12-Apr-13 17:30:48

No access to money sadly. We each have our own accounts.

Revolting.....no, you haven't upset me. Still fuming over last night tbh.

SirChenjin Fri 12-Apr-13 17:32:59

I think I would still be visiting the lawyer tbh....

Do you want to be married to him?

5madthings Fri 12-Apr-13 17:33:30

I suspected as much re money sad

I agree ltb and i dont post that normalky.

I am sorry you are in this situation happy keep posting and you will get help and support xxx

doublecakeplease Fri 12-Apr-13 17:34:44

Separate accounts when he's on a Doctors wage?? Bet that suits him. Ah, op I think you have a lot to think about. Is this something you can see changing? Do you love him? Do you want to be with him?

Apileofballyhoo Fri 12-Apr-13 17:35:59

Hi happy just wanted to send you some support too. I agree with everyone else. I also had MH troubles which disappeared when I left relationship. Look after yourself.

Happydotcom Fri 12-Apr-13 17:38:04

I will keep posting...you're all so kind. Ds has just decorated the carpet so back after bedtime.

TheSecondComing Fri 12-Apr-13 17:39:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LIZS Fri 12-Apr-13 17:41:45

outrageous - it was hardly 2 hours "off" and how were you supposed to know lo would be ill. He's a grown up, his father , he should be able to deal with it with minimal fuss not lay on the guilt. He sounds very controlling and unpleasant .

Mumsyblouse Fri 12-Apr-13 17:43:56

This is unbelievable- what if you were away like I often am for a couple of days at a time at a conference- if the children get sick during that time then my husband has to care for them for those days til I return, just as I do until he returns if he goes away.

This is deliberate manipulative helplessness with a good dollop of blame!

Why on earth should you deal with the vomity sheets?!

If your answer is: he never does, and never cares for his own child or takes responsibility for them for more than two hours without causing a drama or blaming you completely, then I suggest you move this to relationships and consider your options.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Fri 12-Apr-13 17:44:23

The thing is, YOU are ill. You are ill with something more serious than a vomiting bug or a bad plate of chicken or whatever caused your DS to be ill.

Your DH is a doctor and should know this.

Mumsyblouse Fri 12-Apr-13 17:46:21

And- as Doctrine says, the absolute priority in your house for the next few weeks should be your counselling sessions. Does he not want you to get better and wake up and realise you a married to a shithead

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Fri 12-Apr-13 17:52:48

God, I hadn't read all your posts when I posted. This man is a bellend.

How are household bills paid?

GoLadyEdith Fri 12-Apr-13 17:53:58

You poor thing Happydotcom. It's just not on, how he behaved. My dh isn't the world's 'newest' man but although he's busy and works long hours he pulls his weight in sickness and in health. Which is how it should be. Just after new year he organised to send me away to a hotel for the w/e (I'd been v stressed following some bad news re my health). When I came back it emerged 3 of our 4 dcs, and DH himself, had been knocked out by a vomiting virus. I was only 45 minutes away and could have come home to help, but he didn't breathe a word of it when we spoke on the phone.

Your dh should be supporting you at this difficult time, not making things worse. sad

fuzzpig Fri 12-Apr-13 18:08:59

Speechless.

Except for "LTB"

OxfordBags Fri 12-Apr-13 18:41:13

When I read your OP, Happy, my heart sank, because I knew as the thread went on, you'd disclose further evidence of him being abusive. All in ways that outsiders might pass off as him being 'useless' (men can't handle ill children - it makes their cocks fall off!)or him having a vaguely plausible excuse for it, like not having joint bank account, and so on.

I would suggest that you just have depression in its own right, due to being in an abusive relationship (remember abusive doesn't have to mean Mick and Mairead Philpott levels!). The more we read, the clearer it gets that there's a helluva lot of pointers for abuse. Over in relationships, there's a lot of good help and tough love smile

PS My Dh has emetophobia (phobia of vomit and vomiting) and he dealt with our Ds when he had the norovirus, poor thing. Because he loves him and wanted to deal with it.

OxfordBags Fri 12-Apr-13 18:41:31

(not that I didn't help, naturally!)

HumphreyCobbler Fri 12-Apr-13 18:48:59

Sorry RevoltingPeasant - I missed that two people including the OP posted about a haircut

Do you think he needs to build his confidence as a father? Maybe you should leave them together for the weekend, go somewhere quiet and have a think. 2 birds with one stone...

HumphreyCobbler Fri 12-Apr-13 18:55:22

He is a doctor, he should be able to cope with an ill child.

HumphreyCobbler Fri 12-Apr-13 18:58:32

Sorry, I should have said

He is a father, he should be able to cope with his ill child without disturbing his wife's important appointment....

mrscoleridge Fri 12-Apr-13 19:03:55

Wow, totally shocked by this. A doctor cannot look after a sick child and understand how important counselling is also? Its no wonder you are struggling. As said up thread maybe one text to put you in the picture and say don't worry am coping etc. I am sure counsellors would also not be impressed by phones ringing in sessions. Unacceptable IMO. Also a PhD and cannot put on washing machine?

cathpip Fri 12-Apr-13 19:05:40

The words, "is'nt sickness your profession, deal with it" might of spilled out of my mouth, what an absolute knob!!!

mrscoleridge Fri 12-Apr-13 19:08:52

Also the idea that this is somehow 'time off' makes me fume

Ionasky Fri 12-Apr-13 19:16:22

making you pay for all the nursery from your money is outrageous, I've never heard anything like it, your son is not just your 'problem' suggest seeing a lawyer so you are informed.

Toasttoppers Fri 12-Apr-13 19:17:29

He is beyond vile and I bet he uses the fact he is a Doctor to hide behind the fact he is such an asshole.

I'm sure his attitude must be hindering your recovery.

Jux Fri 12-Apr-13 19:51:35

Toasttoppers, I'd go further and say his attitude is probably the prime cause of poor Happy's depression.

Glad you've been thinking about an exit strategy. You'll feel so much better once you've done it, and you'll probably have more money too.

Jinsei Fri 12-Apr-13 19:58:44

Oh OP. sad He sounds seriously abusive. I think you need to get out. You're not going to get better while he is around.

Pilgit Fri 12-Apr-13 20:10:30

Hope the counselling helps. A few things to remember:
1) you are a human being and deserve all the respect that goes with it
2) you are not his servant. However a partnership shares household stuff differs but you are not there to service his whims or needs.
3) it is nog normal to have separate finances when you are married with children.

You deserve better. Your dc deserves a better example.

ShadowStorm Fri 12-Apr-13 20:16:03

YANBU.

He's both a doctor and a father. He should have been able to cope with a sick child for 2 hours without making such a fuss about it. And as a doctor, he should have been aware that you'd need to have your phone switched off in the counselling session.

He seems to have a very serious attitude problem.

MagratOfStolat Fri 12-Apr-13 20:18:07

What. the. actual. fuck.

I think you need to breathe and sit down with him and talk to him directly about it. Any time he throws a wobbly/gets angry/whatever, tell him in a nice and calm voice that you won't be spoken to like a child, and you expect him to cope with criticism like an adult.

You need to make it clear that this behaviour is contributing to your post-natal depression. That you need as much of a break as anyone. That you cannot be expected to drop an incredibly important counselling meeting simply because of a little vomit. That you are just as important as he is. That you need to feel like you are a partnership rather than just a mother with a husband. His son is his responsibility too.

Explain to him that you need to think of your own interests and the interests of your son above everything else. If he does not make an effort to change the way he sees the world and the way he behaves within the relationship, then you will leave. Give him a chance, but if he messes up that chance - stick to it. Let him see that you're serious, and how this behaviour is hindering your recovery.

And here is a piece of advice that I think benefits situations like this.
"It's better to raise a child with two happy yet separate parents, than to raise a child with two unhappy and together ones."

formicaqueen Fri 12-Apr-13 20:36:50

Your DH is totally out of order.

You are in a counselling session so of course your phone was turned off for one hour. Lot of people have to turn their phone off for work/church/cinema etc .. so I can't see what the problem is.

Secondly, why couldn't your DH deal with the situation and the sick?

formicaqueen Fri 12-Apr-13 20:41:28

I know your son was sick but he wasn't in A&E seriously poorly. It wasn't an emergency at all.

Your DH sounds awful. Unsupportive and unable to deal with his DC despite being a doctor.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Sat 13-Apr-13 00:50:28

Great post Magrat.

Morloth Sat 13-Apr-13 07:41:45

I think you need a lawyer more than a counselor.

I would think my DH was pretty pathetic if he couldn't handle a bumped head and a case of the vomits.

WildeRumpus Sat 13-Apr-13 10:49:50

ah Happy. It sounds like your DH thinks that your son is just yours, and not his? This is so sad for you and your little boy. I wonder what your son was doing/listening to when your DH was making all these calls, surely they would have sounded like the child was being a total pain for him sad

You are very clearly being very controlled by this man, even the way you say the timings you were out indicates this... Normally you would probably be a bit vaguer about the actual hours you were out because really, who cares?! Obviously with your son being ill you would normally go straight home, but DH really did not need to make it your problem the way he did. He wanted to get you back and not just to clean up - but so he could make you feel guilty for daring to go in the first place! What's the alternative tho - you never leave the homestead?!

I think even if you knew nothing about counselling you would assume the phone would be off during such a time. You can hardly be expected to answer your phone while doing something you have to concentrate on so hard (and that often makes you cry a lot). I mean, counselling in its very nature is a private, bounded space for you to objectively think about your life. So in that sense it really does seem like he was sabotaging it for you, making you feel shit for having this space and time... because while you were naval-gazing, lady, your child was SICK. hmm

So. Why wouldn't he want you to go? Because counselling is about nurturing and developing the self, and he wants you, and your self, under his control, in his house, and preferably, looking after his needs. What if this counselling means you start thinking for yourself?! Or going out more often?! Or finding things outside DS/him/the house that make you happy? He is worried. He is insecure and self-obsessed. And it is making him mean.

be very wary OP and please, look after yourself smile You didn't do anything wrong thanks

tethering Sat 13-Apr-13 11:21:49

It strikes me that if he was genuinely worried about your ds being sick, he would have called the counsellor's office. He didn't do that because a) he wasn't that worried b) he didn't want to look incapable c) he didn't want to seem like an arse

His calls and texts were all to your phone as he was trying to negate any positive effect from the counselling as soon as you left. He's very manipulative and it's no wonder you're depressed.

If he's always going to be difficult about it, is it possible you could get someone else to watch ds?

Not to negate your dh's responsibility but because I think its important you get to attend your counselling sessions without them being surrounded by upset and trauma.

If there's no-one else available then be prepared for some crisis every week around your counselling sesssion, accept your dh is going to be difficult and don't let it put you off counselling. thanks

MadamFolly Sat 13-Apr-13 11:24:36

Yes you need a lawyer. Can you start making copies of important documents like his payslips, his bank statement etc. Do you even know how much money he has in his account?

OxfordBags Sat 13-Apr-13 11:56:08

Tethering makes an excellent point - if there really was an emergency, he would've contacted the counsellor's office to get them to interrupt the session, if needs be.

But more importantly, as a trained medical professional, even with this being his own sick child, he would've known exactly what to do if things had genuinely turned v serious.

It really was all to make you feel guilty and a bad mother, ec., etc., so you'll 'know your place' and not dare have time to yourself, have independence, get help, have to rely on him, not have to make him demean himself with the things that are apparently your tasks, and soon. Totally trying to undermine you. Is the classic actions of an abuser to appear supportive then undermine you in ways that they can just about get away with passing off as reasonable (well, Mn doesn't think so, but YKWIM). It's so they can appear good to the outside world, kid themselves they are good and make you doubt yourself, and feel crappy and wonder of you're going mad to know that he has done something shitty and abusive to you, but his reasoning makes adequate sense, aaaargh!

Jux Sat 13-Apr-13 13:05:58

Tell your counsellor at your next session. And do go to that next session, don't let him put you off. Be prepared for him being unable to look after his children at the last minute, too. That's a very common stunt.

Happydotcom Sat 13-Apr-13 13:33:44

Thank you all....MNetters are wonderful!

Sorry for disappearing. Ds has been so clingy / not sleeping much its been difficult to get near my iPad or anything else.

I'm going to tell my counsellor about his disgusting behaviour. I don't mean to drip feed but remembered last night that a couple of months ago, I went out to dinner with two colleagues ( it's rare we get time off together without various dc in tow).

Ds had a bad excema flare up at the time and kept waking up . He texted me that I should come come as ds needed me. When I didn't respond, he texted to say " I've had enough. I'm leaving him to scream" I did leave early 2100hrs as couldn't bear the thought of ds being distressed and no one comforting him. When I got back 20 mins later. Ds was fast asleep.

The worst thing is H doesn't think he's doing anything wrong and always says hell be devastated if I left and take ds.

I kind of feel a bit lost, trapped and lonely if I'm honest .

I'm going to cab next week to see the best way forward.

I'm so great full to everyone and their advice. You've made sense and help put things into perspective . smile

3littlefrogs Sat 13-Apr-13 13:38:49

Gosh. No wonder you have PND.

Your "H" sounds awful.

Whoknowswhocares Sat 13-Apr-13 13:41:20

I'm so glad you are starting to see him for what he really is. He is clearly showing a pattern of trying to alienate you from outside influence, a very common and classic sign of abuse.
The suggestion of him making your DS sick on purpose sounded fanciful on the surface but the more you have posted, the more likely it sounds.
Be very, very careful. For both yourself and for your son.

torcat Sat 13-Apr-13 13:52:18

YANBU. Blimey I feel really sorry for you, your hubbie sounds awful. Sorry that may not be very helpful, but it is easy to see why you have had PND with a partner like that. I really think you should talk to him about his attitude, otherwise you are going to be anxious every time you go to your counselling and you won't get the benefit you need and deserve. Maybe talk to the counsellor first about how to best approach it, as your husband sounds rather explosive???

RenterNomad Sat 13-Apr-13 14:00:26

always says hell be devastated if I left and take ds.

Have you threatened to leave before, then? Why was that?

TweedWasSoLastYear Sat 13-Apr-13 14:02:45

Your 'H' is a trained medical professional, yet he feels the need to call you and insist you return asap to help out in a minor medical problem, which he is massively more qualified to deal with than you are .
And he has done this before , re the excema flair up , so he has previous.

Happy Think about the past. Does he repeatedly call and text if you are involved in anything outside the home that does not benefit him in any way?

Does it not strike you as strange that both of you had a child , yet you have to pay for the nursery fees for your child , leaving you without your own income?

Why no joint bank account ? He probably earns in excess of £100K , so enough to live on but you dont have any access to it .

Moscow May Day Parade has fewer red flags

Any incidences of gaslighting ? moving / relocating you away from friends and family?

The smell of vomit is designed to make us ill, It goes back to our caveman days when everyone ate the same meal. If was rotten and one person was ill , everyone else was 'encouraged' to be sick to remove the spoilt food from their gut.

However , its only abit of sick and some disinfectant and a good scrub will remove the smell very quickly.

He does sound like a 50's Dad . I go out and earn the money and you will do my bidding at home little woman . He needs a hard reset for sure.

Happydotcom Sat 13-Apr-13 14:03:59

Renter - yes. He shouted at me as ds had woken him . I told him I didn't deserve to be spoken to like that, especially when little ds could hear.

WildeRumpus Sat 13-Apr-13 14:10:37

happy it is worrying that three times that you have said about you have left the house to do something for you but then ds's minor ailment has 'flared up' yet twice you went home to him being asleep...

If your ds is being used as a pawn to hurt you, how will that affect him as a child and adult? He needs protecting from this doesn't he.

Snazzynewyear Sat 13-Apr-13 14:25:07

So you are supposed to not do the thing that will 'devastate' him hmm but he can totally disregard your feelings? Forget that. Get yourself and your DS out of there. I bet your depression will improve surprisingly quickly once you do.

Sounds like you've got two kids to deal with, and its not the one in nappies who's the issue.

What excuse did hubby give to justify his behaviour?

Jux Sat 13-Apr-13 15:24:21

Please call Women's Aid and talk to them. I think you are going to need as much rl support as you can get, as well as posting here. sad

There is no doubt in my mind that your h is abusing you, and you are being well and truly ground down. Please don't let it happen.

Jux Sat 13-Apr-13 15:26:19

Also, I have just seen this yhread is in AIBU. I think you would benefit if you were to ask MN to move it to Relationships.

OxfordBags Sat 13-Apr-13 19:13:19

The more I read, the more angry I get for you and your Ds, you poor thing.

Do you know what really stands out for me? That he is a Dr yet he is using health problems to manipulate you with. Technically, these are things that he should be able to deal with better and more confidently than you - I mean, I'm presuming that he doesn't get you to come into the surgery to deal with patients presenting with skin complaints or tummy bugs, does he?! hmm - and yet every time you do anything that remotely smacks of you having any freedom, any independence, any fun, anything that benefits you, anything outside of him and the home, most importantly, he rings and tries to manipulate you into giving all that up and rushing home because your DS is ill. Or so he says

It is so red flag-alicious that he uses health as his tool. It comes across as him playing some game with himself to see how far he can control and browbeat you; like he's thinking "We both know I am not just capable of looking after an ill child, but am trained to do so professionally, but I am going to pretend to be unable to do it in such a way that the only eay that you won't look bad is to acquiesce". It's like he's trying to make you bend to his will in such a way that you know that he is abusing and controlling, you cannot tell yourself otherwise because he's pretending he can't do his own job, essentially, which is bullshit, BUT at the same time, because it's about your child's health, he knows you will look like an uncaring mother if you call his bluff or don't come home to check on your child.

To do that would be higly abusive in itself, but the fact that he is a GP makes it extra-sadistic and game-playing.

Having a father like this is training for your son to grow up to be an abuser too. I think his sake and your sake are far more important here than your OH being devastated (and what he means is that you splitting up will ruin his image as the marvellous family man Dr Saint).

SugarPasteGreyhound Sat 13-Apr-13 19:29:41

OP have you posted before about your 'D'H? This rings a bell.

If you are the poster I remember then you need to leave him. He is abusive and controlling and it is only going to get worse.

FYI the only reason he would be 'devastated' if you took DS and left, is because it would force him to acknowledge the fact that he is an arsehole. If he's a qualified MD the he's obviously not stupid, so he will fear people finding out about his behaviour as he knows it is wrong.

SugarPasteGreyhound Sat 13-Apr-13 19:31:07

NB not 'wrong' in that he knows he shouldn't do it as he sounds like a sociopath, but he'll be concerned about social censure and his 'reputation'.

IncrediblePhatTheInnkeepersCat Sat 13-Apr-13 19:42:02

I agree that the red flags are waving. You've already had some good advice. When you go to your session next week, can you leave DS with someone else?

Regarding money, do you receive the child benefit into your account? Does your husband give you a regular amount of money or do you have to justify each spend to him?

RowanMumsnet (MNHQ) Sun 14-Apr-13 09:44:58

Hello

We've moved this to Relationships now at the OP's request.

TurnipCake Sun 14-Apr-13 10:03:36

Adding my support to you OP, I think it's less PND and more your partner is a nasty abusive arse angry

welcometomysillylife Sun 14-Apr-13 10:25:14

Well a doctor should not panic if a child is ill! How ridiculous. This is more about his control of you.

Happydotcom Sun 14-Apr-13 13:16:25

I receive child benefit as he's doing research at the mo. I only have my income, after nursery fees is about £200 per month. sad

Happydotcom Sun 14-Apr-13 13:17:23

Thank you turnip.

NettleTea Sun 14-Apr-13 13:21:38

I agree that this is nasty manipulation and the financial abuse is another red flag. I am another who sufered severe depression twice in my life and both times coincided with when I was with controlling abusive partners.

NeedlesCuties Sun 14-Apr-13 14:11:43

My DH is a Dr. A lovely lovely man who wouldn't dream of acting how your cocklodger (despite working and earning a high salary) DH is.

You are being treated in an awful way. Your son isn't being cared for by his father the way he should be.

Are you European? Asian? Is there some cultural expectation he has that you're meant to do all childcare?

I agree with other posters that you have big problems here with your H, and that maybe the scales are starting to fall from your eyes.

SugarPasteGreyhound Sun 14-Apr-13 14:19:28

Happy, if you are the poster I am thinking of then I am glad to hear you are thinking about an exit strategy. Please contact women's aid - they will be able to offer advice and support.

Check out entitled to to get an idea of any financial help you may be eligible for.

I think you would find that the root cause of your depression is actually your abusive deadweight of a H.

There's all sorts of abuse going on here, you do realise this?.

What do you get out of this relationship now Happydotcom, what keeps you within this?. The need for your child to have a Dad, he's no decent role model for your son is he?.

arthriticfingers Sun 14-Apr-13 14:27:18

I agree you dont need a counsellor for your depression, you need a lawyer! Your depression will most likely lift when you are on your own with your ds!

Look into what sort of benefits or financial help you will be eligible for.

Also, if you divorce, your husbands money will become available to you, so you might be better off financially if you leave!

What else do you pay for out of your own salary that should be part of joint family expenses?

TumbleWeeds Sun 14-Apr-13 14:37:57

I did leave early 2100hrs as couldn't bear the thought of ds being distressed and no one comforting him.

So what you are telling us is that you don't expect your DH to look after his ds well but on the contrary to be abusive to him..... sad

And all nursery fees have top come out of your account... Of course because he doesn't benefit from them, only you so it has to be your responsibility won't it. The fact he can work in whatever way he wants has nothing to do with nursery/you looking after your ds etc...

Sending you lots of support for your exit ((Huggs))

TumbleWeeds Sun 14-Apr-13 14:38:56

Good point re the fact your DH WILL have to pay some maintenance, which will be a nice amount thanks to him being a doctor (At least here is a good point!)

Kundry Sun 14-Apr-13 17:59:51

I take it you aren't a doctor as well? Does he think that your job is somehow less important or come from a culture where he has v old-fashioned views about women's roles? Does he think he's more intelligent than you and look down on you? If so, these are all major red flags (and not normal behaviour of a male doctor in the UK)

I am a doctor and wouldn't know the first thing about looking after a sick child but if it was mine I'd give it a go and not send abusive texts to my other half! I'd also know you'd have your phone switched off in counselling.

The fact he's talked about you leaving makes it clear he knows he treats you badly. After 2 years, this isn't PND anymore- I'd lay money on your depression lifting if he treated you like a normal man would. However I expect that isn't going to happen anytime soon - please get working on the exit plan.

PS for those getting excited about his salary, please don't believe everything you've read in the Daily Fail. He won't be on anything near £100K if he's in research - more like somewhere between £30-40K.

Happydotcom Sun 14-Apr-13 23:20:20

Kundry....I'm a nurse, a part time one. Yes, he's on around 33 k . He pays the mortgage , bills etc.
Thank you for the links smile

I haven't a bloody clue where to start.....

foreverondiet Sun 14-Apr-13 23:38:14

OMG - I am assuming if your "D"H had gone out for counselling you wouldn't have called him to come back to clear up after the vomit. Awful behavior - whether or not he is a doctor. Suggest relationship counselling?

Jux Sun 14-Apr-13 23:59:08

Not ever a good idea to go to relationship counselling together when one is an abuser. Better for Happy to go alone.

ImperialBlether Mon 15-Apr-13 00:09:37

Do you actually know how much he earns? It's ridiculous that you can't have a tumble dryer - what would happen if you told him you wanted one?

How much do you have left after you've paid nursery fees - £200? Are you expected to buy things for the family with that?

Honestly, OP, he sounds really, really awful. He sabotaged your counselling session. He left vomit covered things waiting for you to deal with. He is an arrogant shit.

sadwidow28 Mon 15-Apr-13 15:33:29

Happy, you have had all the advice you need on this thread. But I recognise that feeling of "I don't know where to start" (regarding the links sent)

The place to start is to recognise you are eating an elephant. Even an elephant's limbs are HUGE.

So how do you do that? IN BITE SIZES!

Do you think you can continue with your counselling to get your head into a better space. Once you feel more in control of your own life, you will be able to make decisions.

I do accept that not everyone is good at dealing with vomit and poo (males and females alike) but to not even attempt to deal is a childish and controlling reaction. I have a 13 year old nephew who comes to stay with me often and loves to walk my dog on his own, but he won't pick up poo. I get "Poo alert" text messages and I have to run to where he is with plastic bags! He is going to be another 'entitled male' and I see that!

Heavens above, you weren't even out 'enjoying yourself' for 2 hours - you were accessing medical support (which is what counselling is). Does your husband expect HIS research patients to have their phone switched on? Does he accept that they may be 'called back home' as soon as they have sat down for their appointment? How would he feel about a partner who wasted his VALUABLE APPOINTMENT TIME?

Kundry Mon 15-Apr-13 18:28:30

sadwidow makes an excellent point as there is nothing that annoys a doctor more than someone talking on their mobile during an appointment!

Take it in very small steps - if you need to, just focus on going to your counselling for now.

Can you get a copy of the Lundy Bancroft book without your DH knowing?

Even if you don't want to leave right now, get yourself informed about what your rights are by going to CAB or having a free half hour with a solicitor. It sounds like your DH pretends to be in charge and know better than you so your first step is to know what you would be entitled to and what your rights are.

Thinking of you.

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