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Would this kill any love/respect you had for your H?

(42 Posts)
lastbananaboat Thu 11-Apr-13 00:02:06

Hi, I am a regular poster but gone in disguise for this...

My H recently told me that he had been issued a fine for a small misdemeanour. Not a problem.

However, he went on to 'amend' the fine notice and got found out by the issuing authority.

But in order to avoid punishment he wanted to blame the 'amendment' on DS, age 14, telling the authorities that DS had done it, not him. His 'amendment' was to change written info on the form. I did not let him do this!

I feel disgusted that H could even think of such a thing let alone be prepared to do it.
It has killed any respect I had for him, and with it love.

Would you feel the same? could you forgive this?

Vicky2011 Thu 11-Apr-13 00:05:36

well of course the details are a bit sketchy but on the basis of what you have written yes I would feel the same and no I don't think I could forgive it. Basically he tried to frame his own son?!?

fortyplus Thu 11-Apr-13 00:09:02

He'll end up in prison if he gets found out - perverting the course of justice is a serious crime. What a prat - no I wouldn't forgive sorry.

Ouchmyhead Thu 11-Apr-13 00:12:26

I think I understand ... Your DH got a fine, wrote on the fine to change it, got caught and wants to blame his son so he doesn't get it more trouble? If I've got that right, that's about the lowest of the low! I would definitely lose respect for my DP, I mean who wants to blame anything on their child? Surely a parents job is to protect them, not use them as scapegoats for your mistakes!

ShowMeTheMeaningOfBeingYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 00:14:47

That's horrible. I couldn't even look at him again.

lastbananaboat Thu 11-Apr-13 00:16:12

Ouchmyhead you have it exactly right.
The impact of doing such a thing on DS just before he is starting to set out to find work would be terrible, he would find it impossible to get a job with a 'record'.
What sort of 'father' could even think it would be ok? H was asking my permission to do it, even more passing of responsibilty! Pah!!

dontyouwantmebaby Thu 11-Apr-13 00:16:23

I would feel the same as you OP, it would kill any respect and yes, some love.

It is quite cowardly of him to even suggest letting your young son take the blame for his father's stupidity. That it was a fine for a small misdemeanour makes it seem all the worse tbh. (tho its not iyswim)

spiritedaway Thu 11-Apr-13 00:18:08

OK...i agree with all of above, but did he just spout it out as a half-assed reaction or do you think he would have gone through with it?

lastbananaboat Thu 11-Apr-13 00:25:46

The fine was something that happened, I didnt know about it until he told me about 4 weeks after he had 'amended' the notice and was in trouble over it.
He suggested what he did when he had been found out by the authorities.
So possibly half-assed reaction, but his son??? To me even the thought is bad enough regardless of seeing it through.

CarpeVinum Thu 11-Apr-13 00:27:03

No. It would set off massive alarm bells and have me ringing all and every psyche contact I had for an assessment ASAP. Becuase it would be so far out of character I would honestly suspect rapid onset of a mental health issue. Not least the asking of me if I would go along with it.

I think ypu need to ask youself if this shocks you to the core, as in, is this this something you just can see this man doing when in his right mind. If not, then I think it can't hurt to investigate into any other out of the ordinary odd behavoirs and dig around to see if there are any unusual events or hapenings that may have acted as triggers or cataylsts.

If it doesn't seem wildly out of character then maybe this is your "you just hit rock bottom and I can't do this anymore" moment ?

Have you had to put up with a lot of undesirable behavoirs for a significant length of time ?

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm Thu 11-Apr-13 00:31:52

Two words. Chris Huhne.

How could he be so stoopid.

Apart from being despicable.

badinage Thu 11-Apr-13 00:33:05

I had the same reaction as Carpe when I tried to imagine my own husband doing this. It would indeed mean he'd lost his mind.

But if he hid the fine from you in the first place, this suggests he's got form for lying and I'd guess there's even more you don't know.

Blaming your kids for your own criminality really is the lowest of the low. I can't see a way back from that.

lastbananaboat Thu 11-Apr-13 00:33:54

Well CarpeVinum he is a man that will never accept he is in the wrong, ie if he gets a speeding fine it was because the camera caught him, not because he was speeding!
Many undesirable behaviours like sulking, silent treatment, selfish and been like it since we met really, so about 16 years!
Yes it did shock me to the core that he would allow DS to take the blame and also that he would think it ok to change a legal form : (

badinage Thu 11-Apr-13 00:37:42

Ah well then it's your final straw.

Isn't it?

lastbananaboat Thu 11-Apr-13 00:39:46

The icing on the cake I think!

Jux Thu 11-Apr-13 00:55:09

That would be beyond my line, certainly.

What did you do when he asked? And what did he do?

CarpeVinum Thu 11-Apr-13 00:55:55

lastbananaboat

Hmmm. Well, psyche stuff requires doctors, face to face, to get a diagnosis. But there is nothing in there that screams "head is fine, this is just the way he is". Cos will never accept he is in the wrong could be a bit red flaggy in its own right, and latest developments might be indicative of a bit of a further unravelling.

I had years of practice trying every trick in the book to get an ill person just into a normal doc's office let alone the hospital, so I know it can be impossible to get somebody to see a medic even if you have strong concerns that they may not be feeling themselves.

How do you think he would react to the suggestion he see somebody becuase his thought processes seemed so very "off" ?

If it would make things explosive, then I think its a non starter and I'd be loath to suggest it to him.

However... I would want something down in somebody's notes somewhere that this was brought up by him. Just in case he does it behind your back. That way you can leave a papertrail to cover your son's back. A doc or a coucellor's for you might well be an avenue creating records for those purposes.

I also think getting yourself some timely professional support is a good idea. To make sure constantly being exposed to a persistant minimlization of what he suggested doesn't have the effect over time of quasi-normalising his proposal in your mind over time. Where you go from here in your relationsip with him will be clearer routemap if you can protect your initial assessment of what he suggested from getting fuzzy and confused thanks to a campaign at home to make it seem less outragous and strange than it actually is.

LittleEdie Thu 11-Apr-13 00:57:58

Is this out of character for him?

olgaga Thu 11-Apr-13 01:09:42

But in order to avoid punishment he wanted to blame the 'amendment' on DS, age 14

Whatever this is about, it's terrible. Criminal, abusive to your DS and yes, unforgivable.

I also think this would indicate some form of mental illness. Did he think once you'd given him permission, you'd have a little chat with DS just to warn him he was about to become a juvenile delinquent? hmm

Dahlen Thu 11-Apr-13 08:10:49

Yes it would.

Although it rather sounds like he's not a man worthy of your love and respect in the first place.

Fairenuff Thu 11-Apr-13 09:16:45

Ah well, if he can never accept that he is wrong, this is why he did it then. He had to blame your son so that, officially, he is not in the wrong.

By trying to avoid his consequences, he is able to avoid accepting responsibility for his actions.

Now he will be forced to face the consequences and it will be official. That is what he is concerned about, not your son.

How awful to try and get his own child into trouble. How awful that, instead of being the person your son can turn to in times of need, he is metaphorically stabbing him in the back.

Yes, this would be a deal breaker for me. Couldn't live with a man I didn't love, trust and respect.

MandragoraWurzelstock Thu 11-Apr-13 09:23:44

total deal breaker. Sorry.

Do you have some RL support, if you decide to end the relationship?

no i could not forgive.

lastbananaboat Thu 11-Apr-13 11:54:59

He wont go for counselling or GP. I am because he seems to be able to worm into my head that this is not a big issue, that he is not worried about what he did but only that he got caught.

When he told me about blaming DS i was so angry and disgusted that he would even think of such a thing and i told him so. I am sure that if i had said i thought it would ok to do that he would have done it. Just more passing of responsibilty.

OhLori Thu 11-Apr-13 12:06:06

I doubt the Authorities would believe that a 14 year old child would do this anyway, unless put up to it by an adult. So he may be about to get in even more trouble <very stupid> and possibly drag your son into it too. I think I would be embarrassed. It sounds very cowardly, and to be honest rather strange - to use an old MN expression, how old is he, 10? As someone has already said, an important question for me would be whether this is in-character or totally out-of-character.

OhLori Thu 11-Apr-13 12:10:02

It sounds very sad too, regarding your feelings of love and respect being so damaged. But I do think its important to stay with your feelings and your gut instinct. I think all you can do is stay with those for a while, and see what happens ...

Fairenuff Thu 11-Apr-13 12:11:02

he seems to be able to worm into my head that this is not a big issue, that he is not worried about what he did but only that he got caught

That's because it's not a big issue. To him.

He is being perfectly upfront and honest with you. He is saying "I am being an entitled arse. I would rather sacrifice my son to save myself from a fine. And I'm ok with that. I would do it again. As long as I am alright, that's all I care about."

Is this the sort of person you want as a husband and a father to your children?

iloveweetos Thu 11-Apr-13 12:14:14

I agree with fairenuff

I hope your son doesn't get into trouble over this. End of the day he is 14 and i don't know how this is approached but if it stays with him, how would it affect his future? Has your son said anything regarding this?

cumfy Thu 11-Apr-13 13:17:32

It sounds like he has narcissistic personality disorder.

Why, exactly, did you love and respect him ?

lastbananaboat Thu 11-Apr-13 21:56:05

No, DS wont get into trouble, i wont allow it.

Well, in character to a degree I would say, but I am shocked as to the depths he was prepared to go to on this one.
When H made the suggestion it was one of those moments when you remember exactly where you were, how place looked, time of day etc, so big was the impact of what he said.
No I dont feel it good that DC should see H as a role model and i realise that i have made excuse after excuse after excuse to them for some of his behaviour. He goes into small boy/pity me mode when something goes wrong and i end up feeling I have to fix the problem for him. But not this time.
No more I dont think.

CarpeVinum Thu 11-Apr-13 22:23:46

When H made the suggestion it was one of those moments when you remember exactly where you were, how place looked, time of day etc, so big was the impact of what he said.

<big fat hug>

I totally understand that feeling. It's like the scales you put in your own eyes just fell out cos the glue used self destructed in the name of "this low! Seriously?"

My moment was over 25 years ago, and I can run back the whole moment, including smells, like it only just happened. I suddenly saw with crystal clear clarity that my future was going to be "more of this, and worse" unless I actively chose something different. It was liberating and terrifying all at the same time.

It sounds awful, but the nicest thing my first husband ever did for me was be horrible enough for me to see his true colours so clearly that it pierced my duvet of partial denial long enough for me to make a run for it.

I'm both sorry and glad if the above resonates with you. Sorry you find yourself here, glad you have the breif moment of insight to give you a signposted route to knowing you and your son deserve so very much better.

OHforDUCKScake Thu 11-Apr-13 22:38:28

Forgive him? If my husband tried to blame something like that one one of our sons I would divorce him faster than he could say sorry.

What kind of person does that.

OP I real feel for you what an awful situation you are in. Stay strong.

tribpot Thu 11-Apr-13 22:46:06

A truly despicable suggestion.

dadofnone Thu 11-Apr-13 22:52:53

As I read your post I glanced over to my DH and DS (13) snuggled up on the settee. I have thought of how he goes the extra 100 lies to make life as near perfect as he can for them and all the advantages he has given them.

It would never ever cross his mind to do a nasty trick like this. If he did I would think he had become a different person. And I would be looking for a way out to protect my kids!

AnyFucker Thu 11-Apr-13 22:54:51

This is your line, your boundary

Right ?

lastbananaboat Fri 12-Apr-13 00:06:33

This was also my thought, and it has been really for many years - how could a father do this to his son? At what point in his brain would he think it was ok???

AnyFucker boundary crossed, end of line reached.

AnyFucker Fri 12-Apr-13 07:33:58

Sorry x

PottedPlant Fri 12-Apr-13 12:40:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jux Fri 12-Apr-13 14:17:56

Sorry, lastbananaboat. What are you going to do?

Chocotrekkie Fri 12-Apr-13 14:27:15

If ds had accepted the misdemeanor it could have had an impact on his whole life - loads of jobs want a clean crb and things like adoption/fostering etc may become harder for him - even in 20 years time. He could get a high profile public job - does he want this on the front page of the newspapers..

Is this really what your oh wants for your son ??

I'm assuming in his defence he'd thought that if they thoufht a chid did it, they'd let it go as a childish prank rather than an adult deliberatly defrauding an official document (sort of "my toddler scribbled on it" defence). But even if you were morally willing to do that (which I woudnt) it still raises three issues:

- would you take the risk they'd drop it, as opposed to prosecute the child who is above the age of criminal responsibility?
- would you want your child involved any more than they automatically are in your own sad, sorry little mess?
- even if it was all fine, what sort of example are you giving that child?

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