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Ending it with OM today

(72 Posts)
pizzatime Wed 10-Apr-13 10:23:52

Any help would be much appreciated. After extreme anxiety on both parts, me and OM have decided to end our relationship. I would like to try no contact completely but he wants to carry on texting as 'i'm his friend above all else'. He has suggested meeting for tea for THE final chat as he doesn't want us to end it on the phone. Just wanted some advice to help me stick to my guns as he has a way of wording things that makes me think - why can't we text, we ARE indeed great friends but I know we will end up back at SQ1. He's changed me as a person and I hate who I am now and am ready to start again. Please help me and try not to judge - the situation is extremely complex and OM struck while I was at such a low ebb in life.

wonderingsoul Wed 10-Apr-13 10:26:52

i think you need to say no more. texting as friend will lead you back to square one, and he knows this.
cut off all contact, no texts, emails calls etc.

you can do it, i wihs you luck xxx

pizzatime Wed 10-Apr-13 10:28:13

Thanks for the luck wonderingsoul x

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 10-Apr-13 10:28:55

Why on earth would you torment yourself further by meeting him?!

That is utterly, utterly insane. You know damn well that he'll try to talk you into staying, that it won't go well. You are setting yourself up to fail.

Text him now and say that it's over, and you want nothing more to do with him. Remember how much he's changed you while you send it, and don't let yourself chicken out. Then block his number, and delete it. Give yourself no way of contacting him, and stop all the ways he has of contacting you.

You can't be friends. You aren't great friends. You started an illicit relationship and threw away any chance of friendship when you did: this isn't a star-crossed lovers situation, you have to cut him off completely. I'm not sure that a man who is trying to manipulate him into doing exactly what he wants, despite what it means for you, and who 'struck' while you were low and vulnerable would be a great friend anyway.

You have to 100% walk away, and cut off all contact. No goodbye meetings, no "I miss you" texts, no quick catch-ups, no rants about how if things were different you'd be together. You can't do this by half-measures.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrr Wed 10-Apr-13 10:30:22

agreed you need to cut contact 100% Good luck

MostFamousMonkey Wed 10-Apr-13 10:31:58

Total no contact is the only way. I advocate it for conventional relationships whenever possible , ie if no DC involved etc.
Even more so with an affair. Especially in this case as it sounds like he's going to try to change your mind. I don't think that hes got your best interests at heart at all, he's thinking about himself.

Stopanuary Wed 10-Apr-13 10:34:34

I'm not judging. If you want to end the relationship then you are right to opt for 'no contact' whatsoever. It's the easiest in the long term.

You can set whatever boundaries and make whatever decisions you want and need to - your wishes are valid and you don't need OM's agreement or 'permission'.

You don't need to meet for tea - you can end by phone, text or email if that's the easiest way for you.

Oh and if OM respects you and is really and truly a good friend, (and is not trying to manipulate you to do only what he wants...) he WILL respect your decision to do what's tight for you and accept your decision.

Good luck.

pizzatime Wed 10-Apr-13 10:44:24

Thanks for your support - it's really helpful as I feel like I can't see the wood for the trees here. Will try and get out of the tea-meet.

melbie Wed 10-Apr-13 10:47:55

If you are certain you want to do this (and you need to be certain) then complete NC will be much much easier. From personal experience I know that if there is a meet up or texts or calls it will just slip back into what you have now. Find a moment of strength and delete numbers etc. However close you are now and however much of a friend he is, you can't stay friends and move on. The "friends" thing I have realised is a sneaky way to keep you hooked. Set up lots of time with other friends and keep busy and remind yourself why you need to get out of this. If there are things you want to say, write them down. Maybe say that in a few months if you both still felt you wanted to be friends (and I mean actual friends) then that could happen but you need some months apart just in the same way you do in any relationship before you can be friends.

Good luck

Lueji Wed 10-Apr-13 10:52:56

He only wants to keep texting because he doesn't want to end the relationship.
Also, I don't see a point in meeting, except for him to try and get you back.

Also, you don't have to meet up at all, so you don't have to "try". Just don't go. smile

Branleuse Wed 10-Apr-13 10:56:01

If you want and need to end it, and it sounds like you do, then do it.
No more meets for tea. Just accept that it might not be easy but you owe him nothing and you really wont be good friends. Youll just be hurting for longer.

ChasingSquirrels Wed 10-Apr-13 11:00:22

Echoing everyone else.
If you are determined that this is the end then you just block him completely from your life.
His wants aren't your concern, you need to look out for yourself.

Don't "try" not to meet him, just don't do it.
Don't respond at all.
Preferably block all forms of contact so there is nothing to respond to.

If you don't want the relationship anymore then it won't be that hard, if you do then it will be very hard indeed.

kinkyfuckery Wed 10-Apr-13 11:04:32

He wants to meet for tea. He wants to keep in contact. Enough about what he wants, what do you want?

If you're not strong enough to say no to a meet you don't really want to do, what makes you think you'll be strong enough to say no to his bullying about keeping in touch?

pizzatime Wed 10-Apr-13 11:11:40

Thanks again for these messages - it really is helping. OM has a massive hold over me so no contact is going to be very very difficult but I cannot stay in this awful situation, it's destroyed the old happy-go-lucky me forever. I thought one last meet would give me closure - but i expect i'm making excuses to see him one last time.

ChasingSquirrels Wed 10-Apr-13 11:30:59

What massive hold?
I presume you mean emotional, which I read to mean you want a relationship with him but not in the current circumstances?
If you don't want a relationship with him at all it would be very easy, but it sounds like that isn't where you are?
I have been in a similar circumstance, and feel for you.

daffsarecomingup Wed 10-Apr-13 11:35:05

another one saying to break 100% contact. it will be hard, as you know, but you also know that sometimes we have to do things that are bloody, bloody hard.
Good luck, oP.

MostFamousMonkey Wed 10-Apr-13 11:40:13

pizza I notice some other replies have mentioned about him not being a true friend if he tries to keep you on his string. I recently ended a relationship (not an affair but one that just wasn't working any longer). I still care about exDP very much but I had to end it. Anyway, when we split up he asked me to not contact him at all. And I haven't. It's been very difficult indeed and I miss him a lot, but I care about him enough to respect his wishes.
OM should at least give you that respect too.

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 10-Apr-13 11:41:13

If you see him, the relationship will continue.

He wants to see you in person so that he can manipulate you into staying, or at least into agreeing to contact, so that he can work on changing your mind.

You have to say no. It'll be hard, and it'll probably hurt. You may well cry. But tell him now that you will not see him. Take back the power, and you'll be able to walk away.

It really doesn't work any other way. You can do this.

MostFamousMonkey Wed 10-Apr-13 11:51:11

I agree, Caja.
To get complete NC in this case I think it's going to be a case of blocking his email, and maybe even changing your mobile number OP. I think there are some number blocking apps you can get depending on your phone's OS.

pizzatime Wed 10-Apr-13 12:03:10

Yes ChasingSquirrels, an emotional hold - sorry you have been in a similar situation - it's a terrible feeling. Hope you are out of yours now.

OM has been in touch (just) and has rearranged so much stuff including transport to another city to meet me so I am going to have to go, but have text that I can only stay half hour. I know this sounds like a case of me bending over backwards for OM and please don't take this as I sign that I don't want this over as I am determined to do it. I've bagged his stuff to take along then bring on rest of my life!!

JollyGolightly Wed 10-Apr-13 12:09:13

No, don't go.

He only has a hold over you because you allow him to. Not turning up for this transparently manipulative final date will give a very clear message, and then you will be free.

So text, block, delete, and then go and do something positive with the rest of your day.

You can do this if you really want to.

JollyGolightly Wed 10-Apr-13 12:10:17

Courier his stuff to him. There's no need to hand it over in person.

zzzzz Wed 10-Apr-13 12:11:31

You don ha to go because he has "gone out of his way", say "no" and it will stop.

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 10-Apr-13 12:13:50

Don't go, Pizza.

Please, please don't go.

It will be a mistake. You need to find your inner strength here, and assert your right to choose who you are, and who you have relationships with him.

Whether he comes to your city is irrelevant. His arrangements are irrelevant.

He will emotionally blackmail you.

If you do go, give him his bag of things and walk away. But that will be much, much harder than saying no now. You are setting yourself up to fail.

Lueji Wed 10-Apr-13 12:16:04

That he has rearranged so much stuff is his problem alone.
You said you didn't want to go.

leafgreen Wed 10-Apr-13 12:20:06

Another one wishing you well.

Last time I ended a relationship he said we were 'mature enough' to stay friends when I really didn't want to have anything to do with him; I caved. I'm easily swayed, I lived in a damp house for two years because he said it was perfect for me. Took me another year to get away.

When I did cut contact, it wasn't too hard to delete/block him (although he sent me letters, which said on them that he was 'giving me space' hmm). Tbh him persisting when I'd said no did make me realise what that he was all about him and that sort of strengthened my resolve.

Before I cut contact I was worried that even though I knew I wanted nothing to do with him, I might miss him and text him or something stupid. (His work number is easily searchable so deleting it wasn't failsafe.) I asked a friend if it would be ok to call/text/mail her instead if I got the urge to contact him. MN can do the same job.

Turns out that those urges don't last very long.

You can do it. I tell you, staying true to your course feels BRILLIANT.

Lueji Wed 10-Apr-13 12:25:41

Instead of going to this tea meeting, you could pop in to the post office. smile

leafgreen Wed 10-Apr-13 12:26:07

Xpost. Don't go. Courier the stuff. Switch your phone off and go and treat yourself.

If you go, even if it is the last contact you have with him, you'll feel much worse than if you assert yourself.

MostFamousMonkey Wed 10-Apr-13 12:29:52

Tempted to tell you to drop the stuff off at the marital home and tell his wife what a twunt he is. However, that's not sensible advice so I won't.
He sounds incredibly manipulative and a not a caring friend at all. You can't stay friends when you're romantically attached to someone. You just can't. And anyway, why stay friends when it can't be a true friendship anyway? Contact will be on his terms because he's married.
I'm another who says 'don't go'.

MostFamousMonkey Wed 10-Apr-13 12:31:23

agree with leaf that MN can be a great support when you get those urges to break NC. Definitely helped me in my recent situation.

Charbon Wed 10-Apr-13 12:35:46

You can never be 'just friends' with an OM but the most compelling reason for that is that good friends don't try to control the other and to take away the other's agency.

You've decided that this relationship is destructive to you, but the OM is riding roughshod over all of that and is putting his own needs first. Yet, if you told him that your partner knew and wanted to speak to him, or you were threatening to tell his partner the whole truth, you wouldn't see him for dust.

It sometimes makes it easier to go No Contact when you see this behaviour for what it is and that the OM doesn't have any genuine feelings for you or your happiness. OM who try to persuade, cajole or keep up the contact honestly don't care about the women who are trying to move on with their lives. If any other friend did that, you would realise it instantly and see that the person was no friend of yours at all.

LessMissAbs Wed 10-Apr-13 12:42:47

He's changed me as a person and I hate who I am now and am ready to start again

I'm a great believer that you should spend time with people who are good for you. Whats in this for you? If he is making you into a worse person?

He wants you to meet him for tea so he can work on you. You have to be strong and go no contact. Its difficult, because you will be fond of him, but in time you will get used to less and less contact.

If it was that great and special between you, you would find a way to be together - I don't know your situation, but its always possible.

hairtearing Wed 10-Apr-13 12:46:02

I would suggest no contact at all, stick to your guns.

MarinaIvy Wed 10-Apr-13 14:52:51

You have answered yourself with your own question, but we're all here to help you see it. You already said that if you go, you'll end up hating yourself - is this the kind of "closure" you want?

Let something be about your own convenience, for a change. Tough noogies that he's now re-arranging so much stuff. I've only come on to this thread (and haven't read any previous, if appl), but I daresay you've re-arranged a lot of your life for his convenience in the past.

It's up to you to pick the battle lines, stop thinking you need his permission for anything.

And the happy-go-lucky you won't be gone forever. It'll just be a new & improved H-G-L you. True, I suspect you'll be a bit more cautious in future, but none of us are as innocent as when we were at 15, 20, etc, are we? Hell, even current 15 year olds aren't as innocent as we were.

Would the old H-G-L you have given one slippery shit what any man thought about you?!? I hope to heck not!

spooktrain Wed 10-Apr-13 14:58:00

imagine you go

imagine how painful it will be trying to walk away from him, knowing it's the Last Ever time etc etc

You are already into your new phase of cutting him out and getting back on track: DON'T GO BACK!

OMG - why are you going?
Because he said so? Because he's making an effort?
There are some threads I read and I just wanna shake the person and say 'Wake up and smell the coffee'!!
This is one of them.
Text him and say - NO, I'm not coming, this is the end and no more contact from now on!
Done!!!! Don't go over old ground. I've soooo been there and soooo done that - it never improves I promise you that.
If he won't leave you alone, threaten to go to his wife!
Good luck with your new life away from this man!

afrikat Wed 10-Apr-13 16:03:48

Please listen to the above posters - DON'T GO! You have nothing left to say. It will only make things harder. And for gods sake don't continue contact. You're not friends and unfortunately never will be. It will get easier, I promise you - but not if you stay in contact

chocmallow Wed 10-Apr-13 16:13:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 10-Apr-13 16:28:24

You may have already left to meet him but if you haven't, DON'T GO. STOP.

pizzatime Wed 10-Apr-13 17:17:39

hi everyone and THANK YOU so much for all your messages of support. I feel really touched that anyone would invest their own time into helping me - honestly thank you.

Just got back after meeting OM for the half hour, not for tea, just at his car. I did this as I felt I needed to get stuff off my chest once and for all and not look back. Please don't feel I have ignored the great advice i've had on here because had I not posted this thread this morning I am certain our meeting would have had a different outcome. I made a powerful independent style girl mix for my way back.

I told him my spiel about no contact/how it's making me ill/ruining my chance at having a life/moving on etc etc etc.

He seemed non-plussed to the point of silence, changed the subject to something else but did ask if we could still have lunches together (we work in buildings in the same office complex) to which I obviously said no. Only when I went to leave did he show any sign of wanting contact, saying 'so when will i next see you'/'you're really special to me' yada yada - but felt like an afterthought - maybe it will be really easy for him and i've read it all wrong.

I cried on way back to my powerful mix but feel a bit better already, though I know it's going to be SO HARD. I even went to the shops on my way back (which is quite big as i've lost interest in all the fun things I used to do). Really hope I can stick it out.


melbie Wed 10-Apr-13 17:44:04

Well done- am impressed you stayed strong despite the meet up. Onwards and upwards and keep going x

leafgreen Wed 10-Apr-13 18:08:31

Oh, well done you! You've got the hang of it already, nice work with the shopping there.

I'm really pleased to see your update, have been thinking of you.

It may well be hard, but you CAN stick it out. Plus, I bet your interest in fun things comes back.

You've earned a brew

pizzatime Wed 10-Apr-13 18:11:35

Thanks so much melbie and leafgreen for thinking of me. Just got a text (from a pal) and it made me jump! Hope it won't always be like this!!

leafgreen Wed 10-Apr-13 18:14:38

It won't smile

Takes a while to get used to no contact. And, I won't lie, at times it doesn't feel nice. But it really is the best thing. And especially so for you, I think, because it sounds like it's not too easy for you to put your foot down when this man wants something from you.

I hope the pal is someone who can give you a great big hug next time you see them. Take good care of yourself, OP.

partylikeits1999 Wed 10-Apr-13 19:02:47

I would read wanting to meat for tea as a last chance for a shag blow job but I'm a cynical sort of person

Personally i would advise changing your emails . phone numbers and blocking him on Facebook and any other social networking sites

partylikeits1999 Wed 10-Apr-13 19:03:26

sorry didn't read the whole thread

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 10-Apr-13 19:07:06

Well done, OP... It takes strength to finish things, especially face to face.

Now you've done it, don't give yourself chance to lapse. Block his number, and you won't have to worry/think about him texting you.

It is tough, but post here when you miss him and know that if you stick with it, you'll be a better person. You'll also only have to do it once... If you give in, you have to start again.

You can do this! Keep the strong music going smile

pizzatime Wed 10-Apr-13 19:10:22

Thanks Caja, you are a great poster and your support means such a lot.

MostFamousMonkey Wed 10-Apr-13 21:11:01

Pleased to read your update. Eyeroll at OM being non plussed and suggesting lunches!
NC is really tough, especially when you still care about them, but you have to remember WHY it's over.
I absolute recommend blocking his number if you can, and his email too.

Come back and post when you get those urges to contact him. It is possible to ride them out although they feel so strong at times and your head will try to persuade you to go ahead and do it. Bit like breaking an addiction, well it has been for me at least.

pizzatime Wed 10-Apr-13 22:43:25

Thanks MostFamousMonkey. How are you getting on - I read your thread and wholeheartedly sympathise - well done for keeping NC! Tell me it gets easier! This evening has been really difficult. Went out to take my mind off things but still in the habit of constantly checking my phone, wishing there was a text. Early days though I suppose. I feel like if he makes contact he isn't respecting my wishes but if he doesn't then he's easily over it. Lose-lose!! I'm still clear as to why this needs to be done though and want to see it through.

Lueji Wed 10-Apr-13 23:14:42

By not texting now, he could be just playing it so that you actually wish he texts.
And I don't think he actually cares about you. Or he'd have respected your wishes earlier. Don't confuse his reluctance to let go as caring.

And the mention of lunches sounds like he wants the occasional shag.

pizzatime Wed 10-Apr-13 23:24:20

Thanks lueji for the advice - i agree re: game playing angle. He didn't seemed that reluctant to let go from our chat earlier which was a tad confusing. We didn't shag on lunch!!

Lueji Wed 10-Apr-13 23:27:05

I meant his suggestion of meeting for lunch occasionally.

badinage Wed 10-Apr-13 23:44:32

I feel like if he makes contact he isn't respecting my wishes but if he doesn't then he's easily over it. Lose-lose!!

If he keeps contacting you, it means he doesn't respect you. It wouldn't be because he's got deep feelings for you because if he had, he'd step away and let you get on with your own life. If it hadn't been for him being so manipulative and controlling about meeting him today, I'd maybe have given him the benefit of the doubt regarding his motives if he stays away. But in this case if he stops contacting you, I'd just assume he's got someone else in his sights.

I'd have thought it must really help to stay away from blokes like this once you realise they don't actually care for you personally; they just care about themselves.

pizzatime Thu 11-Apr-13 10:39:23

Thanks badinage - the truth hurts but you are so right. I have always been the one who has 'broke' no contact before though but have never felt this adamant so hopefully this time. This weekend will be such a test.

ChasingSquirrels Thu 11-Apr-13 19:12:05

have you arranged things for the weekend to keep you busy?

pizzatime Thu 11-Apr-13 23:15:42

Hi ChasingS, trying to plan stuff but already feel ready to break! Crazy! Starting to think I've jumped the gun but in heart of hearts know I've done the right thing.

pizzatime Fri 12-Apr-13 19:35:34

Yikes, Friday night, not even had any wine and already want to crack and text. MUST STAY STRONG!

Ilovemyteddy Fri 12-Apr-13 20:06:27

OP if you block and delete his number on your phone then you will no longer be putting your life on hold waiting for a text/stopping yourself from texting him. By taking away the means of contact you can start to move forward.

I've also been in your shoes and know how hard it is. I wish you lots of luck.

YoniLoveCanSetYouFree Fri 12-Apr-13 20:10:34

Google ivillage Ending Affair Support. You'll find lots of people in the same boat.

CajaDeLaMemoria Sat 13-Apr-13 15:16:30

How are you doing, Pizza?

Do block his number. Nothing good can come from keeping it. Take away your ability to contact him, and his to contact you, and you'll move on much quicker and easier.

I hope you're staying strong and busy smile

Destinysdaughter Sat 13-Apr-13 17:23:02

I strongly recommend the website Baggage Reclaim which explains exactly why no contact is the only way to go in these situations. I read this website incessantly during my break up 3 months ago and it was a life saver! It was so hard but it doesn't hurt like it did and I am so much happier. You will be too... X

pizzatime Sat 13-Apr-13 18:00:43

Thanks for these messages - they are such a help. I'll look into those websites - thanks. Still haven't made contact so staying strong and keeping busy for now.

Caja, appreciate you coming back to give me moral! Thanks so much! I don't feel strong enough to block - I really hope i'll be able too soon. I know NC is the best way but wonder if it's making me want to contact more - knowing I can't, but I don't suppose any good can come of gradual NC. OM so far hasn't made any contact which is out of character but good for me.

Time to give the house another clean methinks!

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight Sat 13-Apr-13 18:15:29

Have you got someone else you can text instead if him when you need too might help.

pizzatime Sun 14-Apr-13 20:08:22

Managed my first weekend of no contact! I know it sounds ridiculous but it has been so so difficult and feels like a lifetime since I saw OM. Hoping it get easier along the line.

Lueji Sun 14-Apr-13 20:13:01

Well done. smile

If you do get any messages, just delete without reading them.
Otherwise you may be swayed or get involved in a conversation and then it's harder to let go.

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight Sun 14-Apr-13 20:26:31

It will do. It's like giving up anything, chocolate, smoking etc it can be done but just one minute at a time sometimes

pizzatime Sun 14-Apr-13 20:38:03

Thanks. Good to know that you don't think I'm absolutely crazy!!

pizzatime Mon 15-Apr-13 18:32:34

Houston, I have made contact. What a disaster. After all the great advice I blew it in one compulsive move. Was looking through all the nice emails we've exchanged back and forth at work and on a whim I emailed to see if he wanted to meet for tea - which he did. What a fool I am.

When I got there he seemed initially a bit sad but mostly ok, though said he thought about me constantly all week to which I stupidly revealed how difficult it had been for me and how much I hate not having him in my life.

He seemed a little happier at this but said we have to stick it out and that it will get easier. I looked so needy and totally blew any upper hand I may have had in this scenario. I despair at my own stupidity. Am I beyond help???

badinage Tue 16-Apr-13 01:30:13

No you're not beyond help but only you can be the person who stops sabotaging your own efforts and then claiming to be helpless.

You're also reading way too much into his demeanour, facial expressions and pretty words spoken. It's actions that count every time.

Like I said before, if he truly had any feelings for you he would have refused to meet today. If he's married too or in a relationship, the same goes for you in getting back in contact with him. You're both putting your own needs first and not eachother's. Obviously, you haven't been putting any partners' and kids' needs before your individual own, for some time.

If continuing this affair is going to bring misery to your individual lives and the people in it and the feelings aren't strong enough on either side to brazen that out and be together, the kindest thing is to let eachother go. The selfish thing to do would be to keep reeling eachother in.

Lueji Tue 16-Apr-13 06:51:28

Delete the emails FGS!

You can't keep that stuff if you really want to stop this.

CajaDeLaMemoria Tue 16-Apr-13 12:39:41

Oh come on.

Delete everything to do with him, now. His number, his emails, any sordid reminders you have. Everything.

Then you can heal and get over him. If you keep it, you'll continue to sabotage yourself over and over again.

Be strong, and get rid of any helplessness. Delete everything, and then come back and we'll talk you through the rest.

There's no help while you are clinging on to memories and phone numbers, though. It just doesn't work.

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