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Help :-(

(141 Posts)
Jennymailen Tue 09-Apr-13 23:10:07

Hi everyone... I really can't see a light at the end of this tunnel... My partner of 12 years came home from work one day and out of the blue told me he didn't love me anymore and he couldn't "do this" anymore... He walked away from 2 children, a mortgage, nice car and a loyal honest woman.. :-( he's acting like he doesn't know me... I'm am 100 per cent sure there isn't anyone else at the moment.. People keep telling me there must be but I seem to know his every move and the bonus of the kids face timing him on his phone.. Lol... Does this really happen?? Do people just fall out of love one day and throw everything away?? I'm a believer in talking and trying to sort things out. I'm totally devestated, being sick, not eating hardly anything.... Will this get better??? :-(

TisILeclerc Tue 09-Apr-13 23:12:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ruprekt Tue 09-Apr-13 23:13:11

When did this happen? You poor thing. There have been so many similar stories over the last few days and the support from Mumsnet is amazing.

I am afraid there MUST be another woman. confusedconfused

A sane man does not walk away from all that you described to go to nothing.

Where is he now?

So sorry sad

There is usually more to it though sad

Jennymailen Tue 09-Apr-13 23:20:42

He's living at his mums at the moment. His flat is ready for next weekend.. No honestly I know there isn't anyone else.. I'm certain of that (I'm not in denial lol) this happened 3 weeks ago.. It's all moved so quick and I thought he was just having a man paddy. We have never spent more than 2 days apart.. Everyone's saying the issue might be because we were so young getting together.. He was 17 and I was 20.. We had our first child at 18 and 21, a mortgage when he was 22... Could it have all got too much for him?? I don't know?? :-(

Charbon Tue 09-Apr-13 23:25:35

You can never, ever be 100% sure of someone else's behaviour and if you haven't spent the past few months without a moment apart, then I'm afraid that an OW is the most likely reason for his sudden change of heart and desire to leave. Lots of people having affairs have spare phones just for this purpose and they take time out from work so as not to arouse suspicion.

Yes, people decide to end relationships all the time, but there is usually some warning that they are unhappy and when there are children involved, usually lots of attempts to save the relationship before throwing in the towel.

Sadly I have yet to hear of one man who without warning announced his departure and there hasn't been an affair in the background.

The soundest advice that honestly always works is to accept what he's saying and withdraw, having contact with him only in relation to the children. Make sure he stops coming to the house and sorts out seeing them on his own premises or somewhere neutral.

The very worst thing to do is to beg and plead, offering to change to please him.

If he's already found a flat, it suggests he's been planning this for some time.

Magicmayhem Tue 09-Apr-13 23:30:22

I'm sorry that your going through this.
Did you share a computer? Could you check the internet history to see what he was looking at before he left?

Jennymailen Tue 09-Apr-13 23:30:24

He's gone back to his home village where they are all so clicky and always help each other out. He knows almost everyone there and I know his friend has given up a flat so I'm assuming its there... I think he just wants to live his life doing what he wants when he wants really... He really has assured me there is no one else.. I seem to know where he is always and the joys of the kids face timing him a lot gives me his location at the moment lol

Jennymailen Tue 09-Apr-13 23:32:35

Yes we shared everything.. He literally went to work at 6am... Got dropped off in a work can at 6pm... Had his tea, bath and chilled out with his family.. He never went out and when he did we were usually together.. He didn't have chance to meet anyone else behind my back

Jennymailen Tue 09-Apr-13 23:33:06

van lol

Charbon Tue 09-Apr-13 23:35:36

So you don't actually know where he's living, you're trusting what he's telling you and you're discounting the possibility of a second phone?

What's been the build-up to this?

Has he been as keen on sex or had your sex life changed at all? What's his mood been like? What have his working hours been like in recent times?

Have you noticed he's been unusually willing to do extra tasks such as popping to the shops on his own or walking the dog?

What has his mood and demeanour been like when in your company?

Magicmayhem Tue 09-Apr-13 23:36:15

Did you have any worries before he left, I mean did you have any idea he was unhappy? you didn't share a computer then?

Magicmayhem Tue 09-Apr-13 23:37:10

x posts C... you put it so much better...

Charbon Tue 09-Apr-13 23:37:51

He did have the chance to meet up with someone else. During the 12 hours he was out of the house and supposedly working.

purplewithred Tue 09-Apr-13 23:39:56

They probably don't suddenly fall out of love, they fall out of love slowly over the years but try to keep things going for the sake of the family/children/partner, but then one day they just can't do it any more. I am so sorry.

Jennymailen Tue 09-Apr-13 23:41:04

He is living with his mum at the moment yes... I suppose thinking about it he did seem a bit stressy and seems to be happier now... Maybe it was me.. He's acting like its me.. Maybe I suffocated him too much?? I can honestly put my life on it that there wasn't anyone else.. Like I said I do know where he is most of the time and the kids face time him a lot at the moment and he always rings them.. He's had the kids a whole weekend as well at his mums.. Would a man with a new woman see and talk to the kids so much or be with her?? hmm

BriansBrain Tue 09-Apr-13 23:42:21

Dreadful, are you able to manage financially in the home and has he seen the DC in the last few weeks?

Jennymailen Tue 09-Apr-13 23:43:42

That's what he said purplewithred ... He said he's only stayed for the kids and he hasn't loved me for ages.... I didn't bloody have any idea tho :-(

MrsPeeWee Tue 09-Apr-13 23:46:03

I agree with other posters. I have a very sneaky suspicion there's another women.

Lovely, you are in denial. It's written all over your post.

I am so sorry, but I think you need some perspective. Every one else can see something isn't what it seems. sad Sorry.

thanks Hand holding here.

Jennymailen Tue 09-Apr-13 23:46:13

I don't know what I'm going to do yet.. Luckily I only have a small mortgage and I'm afraid I'm going to have to get help from the system for a while until I get on my feet again.. I havnt worked for 5 years because he was in a well paid job.. The building trade so I'm certain he wouldn't meet another woman at work.. Plus my mate works with him

Charbon Tue 09-Apr-13 23:47:31

Yes of course he would if he's a good father.

His attitude towards you is another clue there is an OW.

When people fall out of love and end their relationships, unless there has been abuse there is not usually this level of disrespect and contempt for the partner left behind. However in my observation nothing causes a previously loving partner to treat his partner with callous disregard as much as a new love interest.

Charbon Tue 09-Apr-13 23:51:30

Lots of x posting going on.

When you say 'the building trade' do you mean a site or working in clients' houses?

Have you considered that he might have met someone online?

What does your friend who works with him say? Is this a woman?

What about your sex life?

Jennymailen Tue 09-Apr-13 23:51:32

Well I really don't think there is.. He isn't very good at emotions and talking really... Plus I don't think another woman would put up with him lol... He knows I would find out and I have already said its better to tell me now so I can deal with it... He actually swore on his children and his family that there isn't anyone else... I know I sound in denial but obviously I know him in life.. (well I did) lol

Jennymailen Tue 09-Apr-13 23:53:43

A site.. He works with a male friend and family.. My friend was shocked when I saw him the day after he left.. He didn't believe me and he assured me he has never seen anything suspicious and he wouldn't lie to me

Jennymailen Tue 09-Apr-13 23:53:59

Sex life was normal

Jennymailen Tue 09-Apr-13 23:55:37

I don't know what to do :-(

Jennymailen Wed 10-Apr-13 00:03:54

Yes I felt a bit insecure with him sometimes.. Like he didn't really want to be here

Charbon Wed 10-Apr-13 00:04:05

Online then? And are there really no women working on site at all? No construction staff, architects, clients, administrative staff? No culture of going to the pub for a drink after work seeing as he doesn't have to drive?

Could your friend do a bit of digging about whether your P has had time off recently?

What to do is what I outlined above. Publicly, just accept it. But get tough and businesslike with him and don't keep asking for explanations. Insist he does his fair share of childcare on his own premises. Sort money out with him. Don't let him have any access to your thoughts or what's in your head. Give the appearance of getting on with your life and that you're seeing the opportunities in this fresh start for you.

The only reasons I'm suggesting you find out if there is an affair is that it will all make sense when you do, you'll realise this wasn't your fault and because what often happens is that when affairs fizzle out, there's an attempt to come home. You probably wouldn't want to reconcile if you knew he'd been lying to you so information is always power in these situations.

I'm really sorry this is happening to you. It is almost word for word what happened to me. He went to work and didn't come home and told me he was having some sort of breakdown and needed space. He loved me but wasn't in love and blah blah blah.
Two months down the line I find out he's shacked up with OW. Everyone kept it from me his mum and family and my friends. All people who I thought were there for me.
You should read the thread in relationships last train to loser ville. She is going through similar and there is amazing advice on there.
(hugs) and stay strong and keep posting.

Jennymailen Wed 10-Apr-13 00:13:17

I don't really care if there is someone else down the line... It's going to happen eventually... I just want to know if this feeling I'm feeling will fade soon??? I can't sleep, eat.. I'm always sick when I do try and eat... I have anxiety attacks.. It's just awful... The more I think about how our lives were I suppose I can see how he got bored really... Maybe I just bored him lol

Jennymailen Wed 10-Apr-13 00:14:49

I keep sending him the odd text and photo of memories... I should stop that right?? Lol

Charbon Wed 10-Apr-13 00:19:37

You're probably experiencing profound trauma which leads to loss of appetite, sleeplessness and feelings of uncomfortable adrenaline.

Eat easily digestible foods such as cereal and soup. Drink lots of water. Consider herbal remedies (e.g. Rescue Remedy) and if this continues, consider going to your GP for some help i.e. counselling or medication.

It's very unlikely to be all about dissatisfaction with your life together, but if it was then he had a responsibility to talk to you about it so that you could remedy the situation as a couple.

I don't think any poster was referring to new relationships in the future. Most of us think he was seeing someone while he was still with you.

Yes stop I know it's hard but you need to disengage. At the moment your body is in shock and it is similar to a bereavement. You need to take care of yourself try and sip at milkshakes if you can't face food and see your doctor about some short term help. Mine gave me a weeks worth of sleeping tablets.
Things will get better.

AnyFucker Wed 10-Apr-13 00:19:50

Jenny love, he has checked out of your relationship. He did it some time ago, and he is way ahead of you.

Please hang on to your dignity, stop contacting him with photos etc. What are you doing, trying to prompt him to feel sorry for you ?...trying to prick his conscience ?

You are wasting your time and losing any respect he still has for you in the process

I don't mean to sound harsh, but prostrating yourself and begging for his attention is something you will regret bitterly if you carry on

The very best thing to do now, if you stand any chance of him waking up and realising his mistake is to let him go and disengage yourself

He has to know what it feels like to not live with his family, before you have a cat in hell's chance he will regret his actions

Charbon Wed 10-Apr-13 00:21:10

Yes stop communicating with him about your relationship. And stop 'lolling' grin It's not the done thing on here and you're not really laughing are you?

Jennymailen Wed 10-Apr-13 00:26:24

I always put lol... I think it just makes me sound happy??? Just a habit sorry... Yeah I just think why should he enjoy his life while I'm sat here crying and going through it all.. My doc gave me some medication last week cos I was a nervous wreck

Jennymailen Wed 10-Apr-13 00:28:27

He's just all happy he's getting a flat, decorating it all nice for the kids, they can have their own bedrooms... He's up near his old friends and family... I have no chance of him missing me and the life and home we built together

You will be fine. MN can help you lots of us have been through it and come out the other side stronger.

The only thing you need to do is look after yourself and the DC. Concentrate on doing one productive thing a day. For me it was sorting out a bank account then tax credits and arranging for him to pay towards the dc and contact. He still has a responsibility towards them and he needs to arrange a regular day/ weekend to have them.

I know it is hard not to text or ring him but don't. I would suggest coming on here to vent when you feel the urge to contact him or keeping a diary mine was filled with lots of letters to him that he never saw but at the time it made me feel better.

Charbon Wed 10-Apr-13 00:29:21

We know you're far from happy and you don't need to pretend to anyone on here.

Radio silence with him now apart from essential stuff about the kids. Did he talk to them before leaving and tell them he was going and why?

overtheraenbow Wed 10-Apr-13 00:29:46

Jenny I too was 100% certain there was no one else and several MNers suggested it , my reaction was identical to yours I'm sorry to say . I saw him become happier when he left and blamed myself (was I difficult to live with, not a good enough wife) he was happier because he no longer had to feel the guilt of deceiving me ( we were separated now right so he wasn't cheating technically) he also swore on his life/ my life/ hell everyone's life there was no one else . His web of lies became more and more intricate its almost like they didn't become real lies.
Why do you think no woman would 'put up with him' . that phrase is sad as it implies you didn't have a good opinion of him. my ex accused me of this but this was not true and was a justification for starting his affair. Also there is always the possibility someone will get involved it seems especially if he presents himself in a certain ( positive ) light and don't forget if he's having an affair they get all the best bits ( no smelly socks or blowing his nose in the shower my Stbxh's most delightful habit - don't miss having to hear that every morning yuk)
I hope you are wrong but I am sad to say prepare for the worst !

Just because he's left doesn't mean your life is over. You also have the chance of a new start. Your life may not be going the way you planned right now but it might go somewhere much better in the long run.

Jennymailen Wed 10-Apr-13 00:36:42

hmm If that's what u all think then I need to find out ASAP.. It will help me move on do u think??? I do think we had a few unhappy days picking at each other etc... But It just became a routine and how we were.. I never thought he would just walk out.. We have been through so much together and had so much planned.. I suppose its all in black and white really that there must be someone waiting in the background for it all to start... I just can't think when he would have met her.... He wasn't on Facebook.. The laptop hasn't come out for months.. I had his phone bill last week and nothing unusual.. I just don't get it

Mine went to work didn't come home. Kept coming and seeing the dc I kept askingif there was someone else he swore blind there wasn't, he even went as far as using our dead child's name to swear that he wasn't.

Of course he was and I found his brand new Facebook under his first name and middle name declaring undying love for this OW.

I don't want to upset up but I would put a weeks wages on him seeing someone else.

Just imaging this is happening to your sister or best friend what advice would you be telling them right now?

Lots of people having affairs have secret payg phones.

Charbon Wed 10-Apr-13 00:50:32

Yes finding out helps people to move on but in some circumstances finding out can even save the relationship at some point down the line, if you'd even consider it. Affairs thrive on secrecy and often wither and die once that's gone.

If he's got a smart phone, he wouldn't have needed a laptop and for more direct communication, he might have a cheap PAYG with no bills to scrutinise. I mentioned some possibilities upthread about where he might have met someone e.g. at work, the pub, family/friends of workmates, the gym, online, someone from his old village seeing as he keeps in touch with friends there. All of us meet any number of people of the opposite sex in our daily lives and there are always possibilities.

Absolutelylost Wed 10-Apr-13 01:40:07

Well, I posted here around Christmas, saying something very similar and despite all the advice, here and in RL, I couldn't let go. I sincerely beloved my DH was having some sort of breakdown due to a huge accumulation of business and financial stress. There was another woman hovering in the background but nothing serious and I went through 5 months of utter hell.

He now has a new, absorbing job and whilst we are not totally back to normal, we are well on our way. He has admitted he now realises he was quite severely depressed, has apologised for his crap behaviour and thanked me for not giving up.

The advice you have had here may well be the right approach but for me, I am glad I didn't take it.

Mimishimi Wed 10-Apr-13 02:50:38

Has he mentioned a childhood friend or acquaintance getting back in touch with him on Facebook etc? That might explain his sudden willingness to go 'home'? What is his mother saying about it?

Midwife99 Wed 10-Apr-13 03:45:22

I totally agree with AF (as always!) whatever the reason he has left, the more you chase a man the more he runs. He needs to feel the reality of the cold hard loneliness on his own. Stop texting & sending photos, stay in another room when he facetimes with the kids, "disappear" from his life. If he doesn't have anyone else lined up & he's having a blip, he may re-evaluate but of course there's a good chance he won't.

In the meantime, eat little treats, drink plenty & accept all offers if help & support. How old are the kids?

squibb Wed 10-Apr-13 04:18:54

Okay I'm going to start by saying I've been pretty much at every point in this situation on both sides, short of leaving my DW (she did leave me at one point though), so I would like to think that I talk from some experience.

If there is an OW (and at the beginning I suspect there wasn't, but that may have changed) then it's not the problem, however your DH may see it as the solution, or part of a solution. So if you're going to fix this (and I do hope/believe it can be fixed) then there is no point on focusing on an OW. You need to speak to your DH in a frank and open manner, and despite what you might want to say, keep confrontation to a minimum (more on that later).

Stress and depression of one sort or another are likely to play a big part in all of this, including but not exclusively:

Lack of self worth
Feeling like a passenger in life
Carrying the financial burden of the family
Feeling trapped in job to carry financial burden
Loss of the sense of self
Inability to communicate with DW or anyone else
Fear of ridicule for mentioning any of the above
Sense of getting old
Feelings of inadequacy in work, and life acheivement
Loss of connection with family
Guilt caused by all of the above

Now those are all quite general negative feelings and don't need any specific situation for them to arise. There can also be more specific elements in your life to add to those things like financial or workplace stress. Unfortunately depression is self fulfilling and becomes a vicious circle, and sometimes people just get sick of feeling down all the time, and perhaps they can no longer "do this".

If someone is living with all that on their mind, an easy way to fix it is to walk away from their situation, and all the negative things that go with it. Unfortunately your DH may have associated you with some of the negative aspects of his life, but that doesn't mean it's personal, but you're the other adult in the house, and the natural focal point for some of that negativity over a period of time, especially if small issues get turned into major issues in the mind.

So someone could be forgiven for doing the following:

Move out of house that's associated with sadness and pain
Return to childhood area, because life felt better back there
Get a new house/flat and fill it with only positive things
Get a new job
Hang out with old friends, because life seemed better when they were in your life

And then once you've done all that, there is something missing, a SO, and at that point it's very tempting and easy to fill that void with something new, but vaguely known. So an old flame, or someone you know a little, resulting in a new exciting relationship in which you have all the thrills of falling in love to do over again. All of a sudden it appears that someone has managed to turn their life around and found happiness.

Seems like a good move on the surface doesn't it? You get to sort your life out and start again, makes perfect sense. Except of course that along the way there is a massive fallout with friends, family, children and of course the estranged SO. And it's probably likely that this situation will enter a new cycle and your DH will end up doing something similar again (the grass is always greener etc...)

For my sins I realised what what was happening in my relationship, managed to swerve getting involved with someone else (as an escape I suppose) paid for therapy to try and make sense of what was happening. There is always an element of depression in the shadows and I have to work at staying positive, but by doing so I minimise the negative aspects that may otherwise try and escape from. But there are still bad times, however I never blame my DW.

So what you essentially need to do is work out if you can be happy together, figure out what was/is making your DH feel like he is and try and work those issues out. If you can do that then you might have a shot, but it's also very possible it's gone too far and it can't be salvaged. But if there is an OW involved I can assure you that's the result of what's been going on and not the cause.

Depression in it's varying forms has common themes, like paranoia, lack of clarity and irregular reasoning. So it's not impossible to turn someone your love into your enemy, even if it's only in your mind.

The absolute worse thing you can do is confirm all of the negative thoughts and ideas your DH might have about you. So as hard as it might be you will need to allow your DH to talk if he is able, and reassure him that you can listen, not judge him and slowly you might get to the bottom of what's going on. It could be that things that barely register on your radar have become major issues for your DH. The first step is to change those things, and then when you are both in a better place mentally/spiritually you should be able to deal with them with the benefit of clarity. I really don't know how to suggest you approach sorting it out initially, and making the first move is likely to be the hardest. I would say that you should act fast, because if there isn't an OW right now, there might be one very soon and that might seal the deal not in your favour.

My DW was certain we were finished, telling me bluntly to to the point of being hurtful. But she had a change of heart when she supported me through an unrelated trauma that occurred out of the blue. But I also agreed to give up everything except us, and also to get some professional help.

Doing a runner on your family is not the only way to change your life, as can be seen from some of the other posts in this thread, so you do have a chance, but things will need to change in your world in order for both your lives to converge again. For both of us being able to do what we want in our hearts, not feeling trapped in a situation (not a relationship specifically), and generally trying to stay happy have been the key things to staying together.

I'm not here to blame it on you, because I was in your position and I know exactly how you feel. That feeling of sickness that means you can't eat, to punishing yourself by not eating, the anger, the shame, and generally wanting to close your eyes click your heels and open them again back in the world you thought you lived in. But at the same time I've been the provider and just another guy having his "man crisis", tempted by a new life and escaping all the things that I felt were dragging me down. So I can appreciate what your DH might be feeling and why he has taken the choices he has. It's a shitty situation and you're holding onto the shitty end of it, I realise that a few posts on a forum aren't going to fix or shine the light that leads to a happy ever after, but I felt my experience might be able to help someone.

Good luck to you and your family.

Jennymailen Wed 10-Apr-13 08:17:03

Thankyou so much for your replies.. I'm thinking a bit clearer today.. Looking back I suppose our lives together were quite boring and we did seen quite unhappy in each others company... I suppose I just assumed we would always get on with it and always be together... He said he had tried to make it work for the kids etc.. He said he hasn't loved me for ages but it still hurts that I didn't have any idea it was going to happen and he was going to leave... I just hate this feeling of being alone and knowing he's not feeling the same and enjoying life without a nagging woman as he put it in his life.... I didn't think I was that bad.. He always did what he wanted.. Bought what he wanted even if I did see the negative side to some of it.. I said to him the other day "don't u miss your house?" He said no :-(

Absolutelylost Wed 10-Apr-13 08:30:39

That pretty much sums up for my DH what was happening in his life and its only recently as his depression has started to lift that he's been able to see it. I know it's not a factor in all marital breakdowns but I will always be grateful to a MN who raised the same thoughts and gave me a glimmer of hope to hang on to. Because it all felt bloody personal at the time!!

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 10-Apr-13 08:56:48

Jenny - he checked out of the relationship ages ago, that's why he does not feel any attachment to his house and the life he had with you and DC.

You have just been landed with this devastating bombshell and is trying to come to terms with it - this will take a while but knowing that there is an OW will help you realise its HIM and his issues/flaws NOT you.

The petty fights, the selfishness, the dislike of having to pull his weight (and blaming you for nagging) etc are all clues - cheaters are selfish entitled people who think they are justified to behave in this way.

The best thing you can do is to detach and not contact him unless its about childcare/access. The only thing that motivates people like him is LOSS. Please don't stroke his ego by begging him and sending him pics etc - he has already moved on.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 10-Apr-13 08:58:48

Also what did he do to try to make it work? to make your lives more interesting and fun? did he suggest outings? did he invest any time and energy in his relationship with you?

I bet he didn't.

Jennymailen Wed 10-Apr-13 09:14:43

Yes he did.. I thought things seemed to be getting better.. We bought a new sofa.. Going out together a bit more.. We were at family occasions for the past 2 weekends before he left.. My mum said to me this morning... "I wish u would stop crying. I remember u ringing me up saying u were dredding him coming home when u were with him" this is doing my head in.. One minute I'm thinking about the happy times and memories and the next minute I'm thinking about all the negative and start to feel better.... Really hope this gets better soon..... Anyone feel free to add me on Facebook... I vented on there a lot but deleted it all... U lot can sort me out if I do

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 10-Apr-13 09:44:07

Are you saying that things were better for two weeks before he left? I wonder if he knew he was going to leave and thought he would put in an appearance at these family events to make him look good? By going out together a bit more, does that means he took you out for romantic meals?

Tell us more about the negative stuff. Why were you dreading him coming home?

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 10-Apr-13 09:44:52

(and don't do FB - its a very bad idea to post personal stuff for all and sundry to see confused)

Jennymailen Wed 10-Apr-13 09:50:35

He was just grumpy and didn't seem happy I suppose.. It was like it for months.. He said he hasn't loved me for ages.. He took me to twickenham to watch rugby in February.. Bought the sofa in January.. Booked a holiday in February... It's just strange... My mum thinks he's had some kind of breakdown or early mid life crisis???

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 10-Apr-13 10:37:04

When was the last time he seemed happy?

So he took you to watch rugby and bought a sofa - and you count these as proof that he was making an effort? what about romance/couples time? confused

Charbon Wed 10-Apr-13 12:59:57

This man doesn't sound in the least bit depressed, but even if he was that would not preclude an affair. In fact people who are depressed are far more likely to choose an affair and the artificial high of it, to ease their depression. But it's not a case of it being depression or an affair. Often you have both.

Like I said, what sometimes happens is that the secret other relationship ends and they want to come back home and re-commit to their marriages. This only ever works when there is honesty about the other relationship, what happened and who ended it. And if depression has been a factor in the infidelity (it will only be one factor though, not its sole cause) treatment is sought. The infidelity still has to be dealt with though and must not be ignored or put down to 'illness'.

It's unfortunately very common for men to be welcomed back with open arms without truth or honesty and for the whole process to repeat a few months or years down the line.

Orchidlady Wed 10-Apr-13 13:05:07

jenny my X left 7 weeks ago. The week before he left he bought me lovely valentines pressies, was talking about our planned holidays, how much he wanted to make things work. Still no evidence of OW and in fact the more I detach ( thanks for all on here) the more he seems to be getting bitter and thinks he has made a mistake, too late for me now. I would have had him back in a shot early days but started to see him as the pathetic person he he. The Mid life crisis, oh my god just keep reading it over and over again. Like you I felt utterly wretched, but it does get better, I promise. I still have bad days but am moving on with my life. Took DS to B&B last weekend and actually had a good time. All you can do is keep busy, take each day as it comes, talk and cry on people close in RL, oh and the odd cheeky wine helped me. Keep posting on here you will get so much support

Jennymailen Wed 10-Apr-13 14:12:00

Thankyou orchidlady... That really helps a lot.. It's just awful how they act and don't want to have any part of their old life.. It's everyone affected.. My parents did everything for him and he won't even talk to them now. Our friends he seems to ignore more apparently..he is like a different person and I do actually hate him more now its kicking in how he's done this.. I'm glad your pain is getting easier.. I'm praying my dies soon x

Jennymailen Wed 10-Apr-13 14:12:59

Thankyou orchidlady... That really helps a lot.. It's just awful how they act and don't want to have any part of their old life.. It's everyone affected.. My parents did everything for him and he won't even talk to them now. Our friends he seems to ignore more apparently..he is like a different person and I do actually hate him more now its kicking in how he's done this.. I'm glad your pain is getting easier.. I'm praying my dies soon x

NeverMindOhWell Wed 10-Apr-13 14:15:22

OP, this is an unbearable time for you, I'm sorry. My DH did something similar a couple of years ago, we met and married young (although only had kids after 5 years of marriage). At the time everyone was telling me there must be another woman, I couldn't believe it as he was always such a devoted husband/dad, plus he is a school teacher so not much opportunity for that. I only found out via his email, flirty emails to Ow during school time and school trips planned as such they would supervise together.

As it turned out, the MLC was the catalyst for the affair, the affair was a symptom of a deeper problem. I threw him out for about a month, it is important to try to retain some control of your life and remember it is kit as much YOUR decision to have him back as it is HIS. I know it's hard, but don't sit around reminiscing, hoping and praying he will come back. You really need to try to continue with life, see friends, do hobbies, get some exercise whatever makes you feel good.

After a couple of weeks I was actually beginning to enjoy doing everything my way without having to consider his needs! I actually made a list of positives is he really didn't want to be with me anymore!

I am not saying it will be easy and there of course will be times you feel low. At the moment you are in shock and like me, will probably be desperate to have him back and just get your life back to normal. But if he really wants out, you may as well let him go as the last thing you want is someone who feels "forced" to be around.

As it turned out my DH and I stayed together but a LOT Of things had to change (on both our parts). I still don't know whether I will ever trust him 100% again, and possibly even stronger is the feeling that he might up and leave us all suddenly, out of the blue like he did that last time. He swears it'll never happen again but I never expected it to happen the first time.

So do you really want to love like that? Could it be you're better off without him? I'm not saying you are, it's just a thought.

drivinmecrazy Wed 10-Apr-13 14:46:48

Wow sqib you have given me complete clarity and a clearer understanding of what DH & I jave experienced recently. I came home after a few days with my Mum to find DH telling me it was all over, completely out of the blue (for me & all who know us)).
Fortunately we were able to talk through those days, thanks to fantastic friends who supported us and took our DDs away from the situation. You have articulated so much of what he was trying to express.

We came within a hares breath of losing a 20 year relationship. A relationship that people have since told us has been their shining ray of hope.

Subsequently DH has been to see doctor and is now awaiting an appointment with a hormone specialist because the GP believes the depression is linked with his decreasing hormone levels.

Had I posted on MN during those first 24 hours, I am in no doubt the problems would have been categorized as typical LTB, OW involved etc. So glad I didnt because I did start to listen to him and he began to speak, we took ourselves out of our comfort zones and dealt with all kinds of minor & major issues. DH felt undervalued, ignored & completely disregarded in our home.

It's taken a heck of a lot of work, and continues to. But there was no OW, he just felt so over whelmed, under valued and most of all, sad. I was just too busy, concentrating on DDs to notice.

Since that time, friends have expressed to us how upset they were seeing what we went through. We could not see that what we have is so fantastic and extra ordinary.

We do now grin

It's not always an OW!!!

Orchidlady Wed 10-Apr-13 14:58:13

Jenny same with my X, will not talk to family ( known for 20 years) no contact with friends, just stepped out of our lives. Apparently he is down the local making a complete tit out of himself, I have gone from complete anguish, to angry to pity, you will go through all these emotions. Things started getting better for me when I realised that no matter what I did or said it would change nothing. And started making plans that did not include him. keep busy try and eat a little, do stuff with the kids and keep posting

badinage Wed 10-Apr-13 15:51:56

Of course, some people never find out there's an OW, which is a different proposition to there never having been one. Lots of people don't want to find out there's an OW even if it's obvious, so they don't go looking for clues and have a tendency to believe everything they are told. Because if they had to face that and deal with it - and other people knew about it - they'd have to leave the relationship. So denial is a price to pay for that.

Jennymailen Wed 10-Apr-13 15:55:24

I can't believe how lovely and honest u all are.. U always thinks you're the only one in the world going through it.. Yeah now he's back on his home ground with all his old friends I know he will be down the local making a fool out of himself as well... I was always there to pick up the pieces of his childish behaviour but won't be anymore.. They will soon get fed up with him.. I think the thought of him rejecting me and not wanted to talk to me just makes me angry and more hungry to make him talk to me.. I'm so glad I found this site so I'm just gonna vent on here instead of texting him and thinking about him grin

drivinmecrazy Wed 10-Apr-13 16:23:41

But badinage equally there are other reasons relationships fail which do not have to include affairs. There are a myriad of reasons personal relationships fail. There just seems to be a larger proportion of women on MN claiming it must be a third person. Not always helpful.
Am sure if we all looked closely at our relationships we can almost always conjure behavior or patterns that may indicate an affair but turn out to have mundane explanations.
My DH does not always take or return my calls during his work day. he also comes home at different and unpredictable times most days.
God forbid I go away for 6 weeks in the summer and cannot always get him on our house phone. Doesn't mean he's having an affair.
Maybe you think I'm in denial to!

Orchidlady Wed 10-Apr-13 16:40:31

Exactly drivin my ex is a self entitled, alcoholic with MH issues but I still firmly believe there is no OW, I am pretty sure since he found out I went on a date and going away at the weekend if there was he would have taken great glee in telling me. jenny no texting or calling, I made this mistake and made myself like an idiot. Let him make make a fool out of himself, people will be laughing at him not with him, I know this the case for my x, I actually feel embarrassed

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 10-Apr-13 16:45:15

Many affairs remain undiscovered.

I wouldn't have found out about DH's affair either if it wasn't for MN advising me to do a bit of digging around - I was so sure he wasn't and put it all down to his work stress and my nagging/controlling behaviour so it came as a huge shock to us (close friends and family members had no idea either).

It is very very rare for a male cheater to suddenly leave his family and home comforts for no apparent reason.

Depression, feeling undervalued, old, disregarded etc are all issues and vulnerabilities that are often found in cheaters who chose to self medicate by having an affair.

I would keep an open mind.

AnyFucker Wed 10-Apr-13 16:46:22

OL,, would now be a good time to tell you that I am actually proud of you smile

Orchidlady Wed 10-Apr-13 17:00:32

oh thank you any takes a little bow smile see jenny if you read my threads about 6 weeks ago and see how I am now, I truely understand how you feel I was there but little steps

badinage Wed 10-Apr-13 17:59:28

Yep drivin I'm going to be honest and say I do think there might be a bit of denial going on in your case, but you're not the only one on this thread I think that about. There's the one who acknowledged there was an OW when her husband threatened to bail but it 'was nothing serious' shock

It just seems to me that these blokes use depression as a get-out-of-jail free card for all manner of fucknuggetry, including affairs. I'm not saying they aren't depressed, but not everyone who's depressed treats it as a licence to behave atrociously to their partners, threatening to leave them and issuing demands about how many hoops their wives have got to jump through just to have the privilege of them sticking around.

If a bloke announces he's leaving after you've been away for a few days and it's the first time you've heard anything about his alleged misery and unhappiness, then the best thing to do is to cover all bases and find out whether there's someone else. Because that's statistically a much likelier cause than just depression or unhappiness on its own. If your car suddenly spluttered and stopped, you'd check whether there was petrol in it. If an appliance stopped working, you'd check the power source. This is much the same, but for some reason which I'll never understand, some women don't want to face infidelity or even rule it out. They'd rather blame themselves for everything.

If you did no checking yourself and you were just relying on his say-so that there was no-one else, you've no way of knowing whether there was an OW or not. All you can say is that you believe there wasn't. If on the other hand you checked phones, laptops, phone bills and bank statements and still no-one showed up, that's a different matter.

badinage Wed 10-Apr-13 18:03:49

Oh and don't think this is just MN that thinks this. Or that this is projection. Like others I've never known a bloke with kids in real life leave unless there's someone else (even if she does sometimes 'appear' a little way down the line) and I've been happily married for yonks to a bloke who's never done any of this stuff.

badinage Wed 10-Apr-13 18:17:40

But I will share that it makes me so angry when these blokes lie through their teeth, get the stepford wife treatment from a frightened woman who doesn't want to lose them and in the end get rewarded for screwing around with some doozy who either had the good sense to dump them or wouldn't leave her own unsuspecting partner.

Orchidlady Wed 10-Apr-13 18:20:06

Don't want to take over thread but in my case it makes no difference now whether OW or not. he has gone and got to deal with that and get on with life, dwelling on whether he shagging some else does not help. fwiw he is bragging down the pub how stunning I am, ok then confused Just making a point that it really is not always the case.

badinage Wed 10-Apr-13 18:28:11

But the point is that you can never know that and be completely definite about it. All you have is a belief, which isn't the same as knowledge. Some beliefs are more informed than others, that's all.

Jennymailen Wed 10-Apr-13 19:25:14

Well if there is anyone else involved she is hiding very well... And she will have to remain hiding for a very long time... I really really don't think there is tho.. I'm not in denial and if I did even think it I would have made the thread about it.. I wanted to know if there is an end to this feeling really.. But I really appreciate your feed back.. Although it did make me think.. I checked his phone bill.. I checked his emails, I checked his phone that he uses and only picked up on Sunday.. I copied all the numbers and checked them out against phone bill... If he was I'm sure he would have had the sense to take the phone and the bill?? I just don't think he would be stupid enough to involve another woman when he knows I'd find out in our small town and make their lives very difficult (I'm not a psycho btw) I think the fact he was young when he met me and the constant pressure of bills, mortgage, money, having to answer to me etc got too much for him.. He isn't very good with pressure... He's very immature and does usually flip out at things.. Talking to my mate today and all I did was slag off our life the past year and slag him off... She made me realise we were not really happy. He had no interest in making the house nicer,, he no interest in family life really.. He must have generally been trying to be happy but it got too much confused

badinage Wed 10-Apr-13 19:53:40

Yep because he's likely to have a Pay as You Go affair phone that's why.

It's good that you're realising he's been a drain and has never really stepped up to the mark.

How come you don't know where he is living? Hasn't he given you an address?

Jennymailen Wed 10-Apr-13 20:32:43

I know where he is living.

badinage Wed 10-Apr-13 20:38:14

Yes he's with mummy isn't he? But you didn't seem to know for sure where this flat that's miraculously appeared is located. You were assuming it was his old mate's but you didn't seem to know.

Jennymailen Wed 10-Apr-13 20:46:16

Yeah he's with his mum.. Yes I've seen his good friend is moving back in with his girlfriend funny enough.. It's a small village where he is so I know exactly where there are flats etc.. I will know where it is when he obviously has the kids. He can't exactly hide it

Sparklyboots Wed 10-Apr-13 21:41:50

Well, the more you post, the less 'out of the blue' it sounds, OP. It sounds like you were both quite unhappy for a while. I left an eight year relationship in the same way and exP thought it was out of the blue, whereas to me it was on the cards for months, if not years.

ExP.later.saw the truth of that and thanked me for doing what he never would have 'had the courage for'. We're on good terms now, both happily settled with other people.

We didn't have children but really, my children is why I left, I couldn't let myself have children inside a relationship where we were 'just getting on with it' - I wanted to model something more fulfilling than that. I'm not stupid - I didn't want the fairy tale -but I did want something which enhanced my/ my partner's life, just as a base line.

It was a tough split- we both had periods of not wanting to let go, but it was ultimately the right thing for us both. I have a little boy and another child on the way, and the relationship they are coming into Isn't perfect but it is always growing, we all continue to grow inside of it. And I think that's what you need as a bottom line, really, that's what I was looking for when I left ExP thinking there was more to life than what we had.

There was no affair. I did go through a thing of really fancying another man but didn't pursue it cos I thought-correctly- that it was just a symptom of the fact my own relationship was in trouble.

I just wanted to add this and offer a perspective on what can end a relationship without an affair. And say that the more you post the more you seem to fit this picture. Seems like there is a determination to prove your DH is having an affair, which does read a bit obsessive TBH. My thought would be, does it matter at this stage? You sound finished with the relationship yourself, when you are talking about its reality.

Even fundamentally great decisions like this though are painful, it leave you spun out and feeling bereft of a future because all your plans were with him. So one step a time, I say, first get your practicalities in order- go to the CAB and work through the financial implications of the split with them. They'll be able to advise you of your H' s obligations and your own options for support. Then get back on th phone with your mate, tell her your plans and secure a bit of handholding. I'd also suggest writing a list of things you couldn't have done with him in tow that you might like to try, but it's early days...

Jennymailen Wed 10-Apr-13 22:05:20

Yeah maybe we were not happy but I would have been willing to try.. We just "got on with it" I suppose.. It's just so sad.. I wish my brain would switch off.. I've text him about the kids tonight twice an he just doesn't acknowledge me at all.. Even tho its about the kids.. I'm not begging him back or anything.. It was purely about the kids :-(

AnyFucker Wed 10-Apr-13 22:14:37

Stop texting him, Jenny

You are demeaning yourself. He isn't interested, love.

Jennymailen Wed 10-Apr-13 22:57:00

I know :-( I'm just peed off he doesn't want me anymore.. How can he not want me??? I think I'm quite a catch myself grin

AnyFucker Wed 10-Apr-13 23:00:05

I am sure you are. smile

Let him go, find someone else.

Absolutelylost Wed 10-Apr-13 23:31:48

Yep drivin I'm going to be honest and say I do think there might be a bit of denial going on in your case, but you're not the only one on this thread I think that about. There's the one who acknowledged there was an OW when her husband threatened to bail but it 'was nothing serious'

The 'one' you're referring to is me, I believe. He threatened to bail because he was overwhelmed by life generally; he has done it a number of times in his life previously, just walked out and moved on. This time he has finally faced his responsibilities, and we are working things out together. There is much talk of a 'mid life script' and I saw some evidence of that but there also seems to be, on occasion, a MN LTB script too. I'm sure it helps lots of people but ultimately, it doesn't always fit.

badinage Wed 10-Apr-13 23:32:25

It's different when women leave. They often do so to be on their own.

Not so with immature mummys boys who don't like being grown-ups.

But it's true it doesn't matter either way if you were unhappy. In fact sometimes it's a blessing in disguise.

As you're not married, have you had any legal advice yet? Do you own your home? What have you agreed so far about money and how he sees the kids?

Do stop texting him. If he wanted to know about the kids, he would contact you or them. You said upthread that he'd been in lots of contact with them anyhow so keep facilitating that but start accepting that your personal relationship with him is over.

Make sure that as soon as he moves into this flat, he shares the childcare and make sure he makes a fair financial contribution towards their upkeep.

badinage Wed 10-Apr-13 23:34:30

I wish you luck AL, but did you do any checking behind the scenes to see if there was an OW, or did you just trust him that there wasn't?

Absolutelylost Wed 10-Apr-13 23:39:45

I check and double check! Think it will take a whole for that to stop. We still have work to do but things are massively improved.

Sparklyboots Wed 10-Apr-13 23:50:55

I think he's probably not responding to the texts about the DC because he suspects you are looking for a way into a converstation about you two or that you are trying to apply indirect pressure.

Honestly, the only way out of this is forward. Even if you really, really want to get back together and give it another go with him, he's unlikely to want that while you are fixated upon bringing him back.

I'd bet that at least some of your horror is related just to the enormity of the change of thinking about yourself, your family and your future that this requires. But honestly engaging with that change and starting to think of him as your ExH, starting to think about how you and the children will live, starting to think about how you will approach co-parenting with him not in the house is the most helpful, most loving thing you could do for yourself right now. You will achieve literally nothing by picking away at the slightest possilibilty that this is a hiccough. If it seems like an insurmmountable adjustment that you have to make, take it in small steps - what could you do tomorrow? How will you manage for this week, this day?

The sooner you start focusing on things you can take action on, like getting financial advice or thinking about how you will manage the children in all of this, the sooner you will start to heal. But sending him texts, trying to get something out of him that he's just not willing to give, that is prolonging your agony, it's prolonging this feeling of limbo where you don't know what's going on and your future is full of unknowns. Since he can't provide the answers you want, you are going to have to take charge of your own fate. Have you got people in RL who can come over for some handholding? How are the children taking it? Can you get any help with supporting them from family, etc.?

Jennymailen Wed 10-Apr-13 23:53:22

I'm just so confused.. Yes I'm sorting my financial stuff out.. Hopefully I can take on the mortgage as its only a small one.. It's going to be a struggle but if he "plays" properly and doesn't fiddle books like he says he will i should be ok.. We only had 10 years left on the mortgage and the house would have been ours... We were not married and it takes away all the legal stuff of he has to pay mortgage until the kids are 18 now.. That's all I wanted really

badinage Wed 10-Apr-13 23:53:30

Well I just hope you haven't been jumping through any hoops to get him to stay with you AL and that you're thinking about your own needs in all this and not just his flakiness when life overwhelms him again. Fact is, there aren't too many mums who bail out when life gets a bit tough are there, leaving their husbands to look after the kids while they have yet another 'episode'? If he's stayed, I wouldn't have thought there was much going on now with anyone else, but I hope you backdated your checks to just before he threatened to leave. And I hope that he is taking full responsibility for sorting himself out. Is he in therapy?

Jennymailen Wed 10-Apr-13 23:55:36

I have racked my brains and everything I could to check about another woman... I really can't see anything... BUT u never know... Cheaters are clever I know but I really don't think this is the case and I will hold my hands up on here and salute the people saying it is, when And if do find out... Which I will confused

badinage Wed 10-Apr-13 23:55:59

Was he saying he was going to fiddle the books to pay you less then Jenny?

If so, legal advice is a must.

badinage Wed 10-Apr-13 23:58:23

Put the OW stuff to one side now Jenny. As you say the truth will out and at least now you'll be rightfully suspicious if a 'new' woman gets unveiled within the next couple of months.

Focus on you, the kids and the money now.

Jennymailen Thu 11-Apr-13 00:00:54

The children are quite bad.. School rang me today and want them to start seeing their in school counsellor.. I've agreed and hope this will help them. My 10 year old sobbed in the playground this morning saying she's worried about everything.. It's just heartbreaking. My main focus is on keeping my precious children happy that thought mummy and daddy would be together forever hmm my emotions take a back seat until they are at school and in bed.. Then I think, get upset, angry, anxiety and come on here and ramble on

Jennymailen Thu 11-Apr-13 00:04:24

Yes he's threatened cutting days at work, getting paid cash on hand etc etc... One day he says he will help and pay the mortgage and then the next he's saying "get my name off the mortgage" it's like he's got split personality... He originally said he will not see the kids without a roof over their heads and then next minute he's saying sell the house and I can move in with my parents????? We have just finished the kids bedrooms before Xmas and spent x amount making their bedrooms perfect and I'm so scared I'm going to lose their home

Sparklyboots Thu 11-Apr-13 00:04:54

Good that you feel financially secure in the house. What did you mean when he said 'fiddle the books' though - has he indicated that he will try and get out of his financial responsibility? If so, it might best to get to a soliciter ASAP. Also, take photocopies/ screen shots of bankstatements etc. so if he does try to hide assets you have proof of his financial solvency. I'm sure there are lots of MNers who can advise you about this but one of the commonest things is to advise a person to get records of the status of everything in the months leading to the split, so if it does get a bit difficult you have evidence of why you think he's fiddling.

What about the children? How have they taken it all? Is there anything lovely you can plan for yourself and them to cheer you all up a bit at the weekend? Have you talked to them about how they might like to have contact with their dad?

What about you? What would help you right now? A night out with ExP looking after the children? A weekend with your family? A couple of hours to go for a walk or have a soak in the bath while you dream up a list of wild things to do when the children are with their dad for the weekend? Anything that will keep you off the texts and focused on making this moment, this day okay for you and the children given that your exP is no longer part of that.

Jennymailen Thu 11-Apr-13 00:08:45

Well so far csa say I can get £90 a week off him.. He works for his uncle so I'm sure he will help him out and stitch me up.. Oh don't worry... I've kept all his wage slips from this year and I even kept a few from last year and the year before

badinage Thu 11-Apr-13 00:10:03

Oh that sucks about the kids. Poor little mites sad. What have you both told them about what's happening? I'd strongly support the counselling for them because sometimes kids need someone outside the family who isn't caught up with the upset of it all, to whom they can vent.

You need a solicitor pronto.

Sparklyboots Thu 11-Apr-13 00:11:30

Oh, x-post, I see that things aren't so secure. A solicitor is in order, no? An appointment with the CAB? It seems very unfair to keep you guessing, because of the instability it implies for your children. Is it even possible to 'take your name off the mortgage'? I wouldn't have thought you can just ring up and have someone removed from it.

Sort out your housing as a priority - perhaps a solicitor's letter initiating a discussion about how to handle it? It doesn't sound like your conversations are constructive or reassuring at the moment and you and the children deserve to have the question of housing answered. So it seems wise to start a formal, legal conversation about it all.

Sparklyboots Thu 11-Apr-13 00:17:18

Perhaps you could speak to the CAB about what other support you are entitled to apart from that your ex-P is liable for? But get your housing situation sorted and agreed.

Def support the children in couselling, no matter how close you are there will be aspects of this situation which they'll find difficult to discuss with you and other family members. Poor lamb, taking on all the worry of the world about this, she sounds like she's feeling very destabilised. Have you got other family members who can come and help out with the children? Being surrounded by lots of people who will continue to love and support them whatever happens between their parents might be good for your DC right now.

Jennymailen Thu 11-Apr-13 00:33:43

I know its such a mess... I have lots if people supporting us.. The children get taken out by family members and my mum is staying with me every night until I get back into a routine of not having him here. Plus when I need to take 5 minutes in the garden she's there with them always

badinage Thu 11-Apr-13 00:36:26

So what have you or him told the kids?

Are you going to find a lawyer?

Sparklyboots Thu 11-Apr-13 01:07:26

Oh, good OP, glad you are getting some support. This bit - where everything is up in the air and nothing makes sense - will change, you know. It feels messy because nothing is fixed or agreed - I bet you'll feel better when there are some concrete agreeements in place.

Sometimes the pain of the change itself goes and you find you are actually all right - I think it's fair to hope that you might find that, given that you know it wasn't great in the end... But for now, just concentrate on getting a sense of stability, - now you know what won't be happening, take action on what can and will happen wrt housing, contact, finances, etc.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 11-Apr-13 07:48:05

Sorry to hear the kids are badly affected - what have you told them?

I really do hope he will fulfil his responsibilities with regards to the DC and maintenance confused - have a look at this: useful link

Jennymailen Thu 11-Apr-13 09:27:37

I told the kids on my own first that their dad was going to live with their nan because we didn't want to live together anymore.. confused Then he picked them up that evening and took them out and spoke to them saying he will always love them and just doesn't love me anymore... They are just up and down at the moment.. He is meant to be seeing them tonight and I'm actually really nervous about it. They will be all happy around him I expect then be on their downers when they have to come home without him

Orchidlady Thu 11-Apr-13 10:31:07

Morning jenny how are you today? Re the kids they will get used to things quite quickly and learn to adapt. When X left my 12 year old suddenly did not want to go to school saying he was "ill" just a bit truamatised really. ( he is so much better now) X thought it appropriate to say he was just acting up to upset me, the dick. DS1 who is 21 wants nothing to do with him, apparently DS1 is self centred, oh pot kettle black me thinks. Anyway you see men boys like yours and mine are happy to swan off and think of no one else but themselves and absolve themselves of all responsibilities. Keep focusing on you and the kids

Jennymailen Thu 11-Apr-13 10:45:04

I'm feeling anger today.. It's just so wrong the way his family are acting now.. Helping him buy stuff and decorating his flat for him. My eldest is starting her mentoring at school today so hopefully that helps her out

Orchidlady Thu 11-Apr-13 11:13:56

jenny your daughter will be fine.Not much you can do about his family, tis only to be expected. I heard people advising that X should try and take 1/2 of the house. Funny mortgage in my name and he has not paid into it for 12 years. Strange ideas people have, don't take it personally. So try and think of something fun to do this weekend for you and the kids

Jennymailen Thu 11-Apr-13 12:03:07

I've just spoken to him about him seeing the kids tomorrow hmm he has so much hate in him.. I said so many people have said there must be another woman and he said he never ever wants another woman again cos they are head fxxxs... I actually believe him.. I've never heard so much hate for him against women.. He wishes he had never bought the house we have and he never wants a relationship with anyone again... Wow... What on earth did I do so wrong to him? I swear he has had some kind of breakdown

Jennymailen Thu 11-Apr-13 12:09:33

Also... Can he take the kids to his new flat if he won't tell me exactly where it is?? I can find out easily but it's the fact he won't actually tell me.. Is there any kind of legal thing that doesn't allow the children to go somewhere if the other party isn't happy about not knowing where they are staying?

TisILeclerc Thu 11-Apr-13 12:22:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Orchidlady Thu 11-Apr-13 12:23:02

I have heard this script. (X said exactly about never wanting anyone again, but he is mentally ill) Don't know about legal but I would not allow my kids to go somewhere unless I knew the address. Sure others will advise you differently

Jennymailen Thu 11-Apr-13 12:40:45

I am blaming myself now.. He has so much hate so it was obviously me.. Yes I am normal tho (I think) my life revolved around him... Looking back I suppose I tried to hard to make him love me confused

TisILeclerc Thu 11-Apr-13 12:49:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Orchidlady Thu 11-Apr-13 13:01:57

Oh jenny these are all normal feelings it is such early days. I would suspect he is displaying guilt not hate. I have learn't you can not make someone love you. Could kids not go you his parents for 1st visit until flat thing resolved?

Jennymailen Thu 11-Apr-13 13:09:35

He's only taking them out for an hour or so for a walk down the seafront I think.. I want to go with them :-( I want to enjoy time seeing my children happy with him :-(

badinage Thu 11-Apr-13 16:44:23

Your kids have received conflicting messages and so it's no wonder there is confusion as well as upset. I'd suggest popping into their schools and talking to someone about what's been happening. I think it's a bit trite to assume they'll be fine; they clearly aren't fine especially your eldest.

It would also concern me that someone who you think is having a mental breakdown and who seems to hate women, is going to be seeing them tomorrow if only for an hour. You absolutely mustn't go but I think they'll need a lot of cuddles and reassurance when they come back and the opportunity to ask you any questions they might have. But please resist the urge to pump them for information about your ex.

You really must get some legal advice, but AFAIK it's absolutely standard for parents to require the address of where their kids are staying. But there really is a reason for him not wanting you to know it, because with-holding it defies logic unless you've been violent and abusive towards him in the past.

Jennymailen Thu 11-Apr-13 17:36:32

Yeah I totally understand that.. If I moved address he would want to know where his kids are. The school are dealing with the children and they are involved in their mentoring programme already

Jennymailen Thu 11-Apr-13 17:52:38

He's picking them up in an hour :-( I'm really nervous and feel sick :-(

TisILeclerc Thu 11-Apr-13 17:54:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

moonabove Thu 11-Apr-13 19:31:08

His feelings of hate for women are his feelings and no fault of yours. He will have to deal with it and whatever else is washing round his head.

It is so sad for your relationship to end like this, I think one day he will bitterly regret how he has behaved but that's another thing that is no fault of yours.

Hope you are okay this evening, you must feel very raw and vulnerable but I think you are being so strong. Adding my ((hugs)) as well.

Jennymailen Thu 11-Apr-13 19:45:06

Awful :-( I need a stiff drink confused

moonabove Thu 11-Apr-13 19:46:43

Have one on me wine

TisILeclerc Thu 11-Apr-13 20:15:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shellbu Thu 11-Apr-13 20:26:56

maybe there isnt another woman , but another man maybe , you say he has feelings of hate towards women , just makes me wonder if hes been hiding gay feelings for a long time , plus he doesnt want you knowing where he is going to live , seems strange .

Jennymailen Thu 11-Apr-13 23:03:22

There def isn't another woman.. I ended up going out for tea with him and the kids.. It broke my heart.. I will never ever do that again :-( he wanted to show the kids we can still be friends.. I just wanted to cry.. But it did make me realise he seemed happier and I think I am as well.. His little uncouth behaviour tonight made me realise how immature and what a mistake he's making.. He told me he will pay the mortgage still as well.. That's all I wanted :-)

Sparklyboots Fri 12-Apr-13 00:38:33

Well done Jenny for getting through that, it must have been tough. Hold onto that sense that you are both a bit happier already! I would be inclined to get his mortgage promise in writing though - have you got legal representation?

Just wondering if it is really helpful for OP to hear constant questions about another woman/ man, what does it really matter if the material facts of the relationship are that it is over, he is moving somewhere and planning to co-parent, and OP is beginning to accept this new reality? It seems to me like actual practical advise is what's needed here - how can OP get a watertight agreement on the mortgage? How should she support her DC in situations like the one at school, and what might she do to make the split clear but bearable for them?

moonabove Fri 12-Apr-13 11:12:19

Agree sparklyboots. OP has already said numerous times she doesn't think there's anyone else involved so best left at that.

Definitely need to get all arrangements legally sorted out - he has shown he is capable of being very unpredictable and that there's a lot of unpleasant stuff going on in his head.

He might well realise his mistake after a while, he might well be sincere at the time he makes his promises of support but there's no certainty and he can't be relied on.

Jennymailen Fri 12-Apr-13 11:30:19

No I know.. That's what everyone's saying. If he can't afford to pay bills etc in his flat the first thing he will do is refuse to pay the mortgage.. Maybe I could try and push a legal agreement where he signs to pay it?? Not too sure anyone would agree to that tho would they? The lack of guilt he doesnt have really winds me up tho... He was all happy talking about his flat etc to the kids yesterday.. I pretended I was interested but I just really wanted to punch him in his smug face angry I hope when he's settled in it and has his fun down the pub for a few weeks and is sat in there one day he thinks shit, I left everything!!!! I know he will have too much of a good social life tho really... The village is forever having street parties where he knows everyone.. I don't think he will get lonely and that's what pisses me off really.. He won't get time to think sad

Jennymailen Fri 12-Apr-13 20:18:18

Feeling really low and fingers are twitching so thought I'd get on here quick :-(

Sparklyboots Fri 12-Apr-13 20:30:05

Stay away from the text! Is there someone else you could contact? Sorry it's tough right now.

Jennymailen Fri 12-Apr-13 20:43:15

Yeah I've text about 30 people the text I was going to send him so I'm getting a lot of abuse back at the moment off my friends.. It's making me feel better

Jennymailen Tue 23-Apr-13 13:50:59

Just thought if update u lovely people... The karma train is slowly arriving.. The ex is living in a static caravan at his cousins house in a field... Wow!!! He really hates his life that much hey!?? I'm moving on and I'm actually quite happy I think :-)

That's really good to hear you are feeling happy. Have been wondering about you.

ladyjadie Tue 23-Apr-13 16:57:55

I am so glad you are realising you are happy! When you can be happy on your own, that is the best feeling in the world, esp as you say your life revolved around trying to make him love you for so long. Maybe he is happier in a caravan. But so what?! It is time to think about Jenny. Happy Jenny=Happy kids. Keep posting here, you have lots of us rooting for you smile

Jennymailen Tue 23-Apr-13 17:12:54

Thankyou grin I think the weekends keep me going. Lots of lovely friends around me (mainly getting me drunk) but oh well.. I have even been managing going out and no drunken texts to him which I thought I'd never get over doing.. May sound wrong but the attention I'm getting from men still feels weird as it is only early days I feel.. But that keeps me going as well. I thought no man would want a single mum of 2 kids.... But it seems they do grin but NO way am I ready for a relationship.. No harm in being wined and dined tho

ladyjadie Tue 23-Apr-13 18:22:52

No harm in a bit of attention! It's brilliant you've stayed away from the drunk texting!

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