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29 year age gap - can a relationship work? Also...'bedroom advice' please!

(122 Posts)
praying4winter Tue 09-Apr-13 11:19:37

I've been seeing a man who is 29 years older than me, for about 6 months now.

We've discussed the possibility of a proper future between us and he seems keen; as am I, but he keeps saying although the age gap doesn't matter to him, he's worried that as I get into my 40s and "hit their prime and become sexier" (his words, he says it happens to all women), it will cause problems as he will be (again, in his own words) "a geriatric".

He keeps himself fit; lots of walking/hiking, jujitsu, has a young outlook on life and has no health problems as yet - whereas I have a dodgy back/shoulders, my mum was signed off work permanently at the age of just 42 due to rheumatoid arthritis and she also has so many health issues; it's likely I'll 'degenerate' before him! smile

Can a relationship work with such an age difference? If you saw a 31 year old woman with a 60 year old man would you think that was weird? Worth more than just the first glance, that kind of thing.
He's quite 'hippy dippy' (for want of a better phrase) and dresses in combats, baggyish jeans with a shirt and hoodies, but it suits him.
So not like he's dressing or acting his age.

My second question is the sex.

I don't want to stereotype, but I've always been with men my own age (and not many of them either).
We have had sex once, but he calls it making love and is very into pleasing me first, very touchy feely and takes it slow and lovingly, whereas my past exes (there have only been 2 of them) have been quite fast and furious - not all the time, but I do enjoy that sometimes.
I enjoy 'giving' rather than receiving (you know?) but no idea whether he's into 'those' as he hasn't said and I have no idea how - or even whether to - ask him, same goes for umm...sorry but I need to ask - anal? I have done it and enjoy it...I'm guessing he may not (he has said he's been fairly traditional and not tried tying up/being tied up, dressing up etc but would be willing to try most things).

I don't want to come across as some nympho and scare him to death but he doesn't seem totally at ease using the more crude words to describe the acts I want to indulge in, so I feel quite awkward in knowing how to ask what he likes or would be willing to try.

This is a genuine post, honest - so any answers appreciated smile

bohemimum Tue 09-Apr-13 11:26:12

Good luck to you - he sounds lovely. Perfect almost and I'm sure you deserve such love and affection.
Who gives a toss what anyone thinks; just ask him all those questions. If you can't, then it won't work, and if you can then there's your answer!
I wouldn't judge, I would be just pleased to know you were content.

CuChullain Tue 09-Apr-13 11:29:48

He would make an excellent first husband.

Coffee1Sugar Tue 09-Apr-13 11:30:46

Happy for you smile No personal experience (only 8 years between me and dp) but my auntie (57) is married to a 77 yo. She married at just 19 and said that the first 25years were great but now it really is noticeable and she's unhappy. He's aged very quickly and admits to being his Carer now not wife. She's been the sole earner for 17 years since he retired which has been a mammoth struggle for her.

Enjoy yourself in the now but do think about the future

praying4winter Tue 09-Apr-13 11:31:05

Thank you bohemimum .

We get on so well, our personalities really click - I think to outsiders it would be obvious he's not a millionaire and I'm not a gold digger; the odd judgemental comment is easily dealt with but if the majority thought it was a bit weird or 'icky' (or funny!) then I'd worry it would make him feel bad.

True about the questions though; it's because he seems quite uncomfortable and he says it's because he was brought up very traditionally, for example with the oral sex thing (me to him) I was thinking of just kissing my way down there but...I don't know, don't want to make him feel awkward or anything.

He is lovely though smile

McBalls Tue 09-Apr-13 11:31:31

It could work, the key (for me) would be his relationship history - if he only went with much younger women for example.

Btw, you've had sex once and you're wondering how to ask if he likes anal? Seriously??

praying4winter Tue 09-Apr-13 11:34:21

Many replies while I was typing...

Coffee1Sugar - he said as much; that the first 20 years would probably be fine as he keeps himself fit etc., but was worried that after that I might end up resenting him if he crumbled (his words again!).

My reasoning was that a lot of people that get married early on in life - as teenagers or early 20s for example, might last for 15-20 years before growing apart, as you grow a lot within yourself at that age.

Plus - a 20 year relationship is a good thing to me! And if he met someone new at the age of 60, then even if the worst came to it and it ended in exactly 20 years' time, I'd be 51 so who says I wouldn't meet someone new at that age as well?

Pendipidy Tue 09-Apr-13 11:34:49

You sound sex obsessed and that is not going to be fulfilling when he is so much older than you. You have different priorities to him, sexually and otherwise.

Dahlen Tue 09-Apr-13 11:35:43

I think you're overthinking this and should just go with the flow. As long as you're not considering marriage or moving in together, what have you got to lose? Take your time. Spend more time together. Make love more. After a while you'll discover if you're long-term compatible (in which case you'll just deal with the age-gap) or not (in which case you'll call it off before it ever becomes an issue). Same goes for the sex. After you've made love 'conventionally' for a while, it will seem far easier and more natural to discuss or try out new things.

praying4winter Tue 09-Apr-13 11:36:32

McBalls

No. I'm wondering how to broach the subject of the 'other side' of sex.

Not saying I'll ask straight away but if we're not compatible sexually - or if he'd never be interested in all that whereas I quite like it (within a loving, caring, long-term relationship) then it will matter.

Gay40 Tue 09-Apr-13 11:38:40

I don't think you should worry about the age gap, just enjoy the fact you've met a nice man who seems to genuinely care about you (inside and outside the bedroom). You can never tell who will the be first one to go, so no point in worrying about it.
6 months isn't long really, in terms of trying new sex things. I don't know how other people word these things but I'd try just describing the act you'd like to do and judging the response - not using "crude" words if you think it will make him feel uncomfortable.
However, the power of suggestion when you are in the Zone......

McBalls Tue 09-Apr-13 11:42:36

But you'll find out this things naturally, the way you've found out with previous partners, surely?

I think perhaps you are, unintentionally, seeing him as some kind of other so you're sort of thinking about him in an analytical way rather than just letting things evolve naturally?

If he feels too different to you, and you can't imagine being honest with him about certain things then that's probably a good sign that it ain't a goer.

Owllady Tue 09-Apr-13 11:46:02

do you really think older people don't like oral sex? confused
you are really confusing me. People over 40 aren't victorians

AnyFucker Germany Tue 09-Apr-13 11:46:20

I thought you were asking for age gap relationship advice, not how you can manoevre an elderly man into taking you up the Marmite Tower ?

Owllady Tue 09-Apr-13 11:47:44

arf!

Meringue33 Tue 09-Apr-13 11:47:45

A good friend of mine has settled down with a woman twenty years younger than him, he is 50 and she 30. They are very happy together. He has had the snip (2 DC by earlier partner) and was adamant he wanted no more kids. She was happy with that - she works with kids, has nephews living practically next door and he has a grandchild now so they will have kids in their lives.

As far as becoming someone's carer goes - that could happen at any age to either partner, thro ill health or accident. If you are making a LT commitment you are signing up for this possibility/eventuality. Fwiw my gran died at 95 and until near the end was in much better health than many 65 year olds.

Sex - it sounds like inexperience rather than age is the issue here. If you are more experienced be gentle. Do not patronise or undermine but seek to build his confidence. Be guided by love and introduce kinks later once you have established regular good relations. (Tho if kinky sex is an absolute must-have for you, be honest about this early in case it really isn't for him).

praying4winter Tue 09-Apr-13 11:48:08

Possibly, McBalls.

Truth is, he mentioned he was married to a woman for 25 years (together for 28) and she never initiated anything, or even touched him. It was him making all the effort - they never cuddled or showed any affection; and he felt unwanted for the whole 25 years.

I have no reason to believe he wasn't telling the truth about that (his eyes looked sad when he told me, so I think it was genuine) so don't want him thinking I'm the same.

I do the cuddling thing, love the affection side of it and how attentive he is in bed (and out), just want to make him feel ok about things.

But you're right, it would/should happen 'organically' and if it doesn't then maybe we're not suited after all.

I thought you were asking for age gap relationship advice, not how you can manoevre an elderly man into taking you up the Marmite Tower ?

Crying with laughter AF smile

Can I just follow you around the boards today, we can ignore all the Thatcher threads?

CuChullain Tue 09-Apr-13 11:51:49

"I'm wondering how to broach the subject of the 'other side' of sex."

Just ask, you are six months into the relationship, you should at this stage be able to discuss your likes/dislikes/fantasies etc without fear of judgement or embarassement. But you do need to get your 'bedroom desires' into the open, or you will just end unsatisified when that certain itch cant be scratched. For all you know he might love the idea of anal but for his generation it was the ultimate taboo so is afriad to ask.

praying4winter Tue 09-Apr-13 11:51:51

AF - that was actually hilarious, thanks smile

Owllady - nope, didn't think that but he was making a big thing of pleasing me and never mentioned me doing anything in return. Wasn't sure whether I was just meant to, or wait for him to ask blush
I had very forthright exes previously...plus with him, he didn't give me the chance to go down that way, he kept kissing me and...well I'm not more experienced, I am quite shy...I've just had different experiences to him.

And...was it AF that asked? Yes I was asking for advice on whether the relationship could feasibly work, but then everyone jumped on the sex bit.

Pendipidy Tue 09-Apr-13 12:03:47

man, i just spat my sandwich with laughter at the marmite tower and my 5 year old keeps asking what i am laughing at!

LessMissAbs Tue 09-Apr-13 12:09:41

Age gaps are only relevant if you make them relevant. Although that said, I often think theres all the advantages for the man in these big age gap relationships and none for the woman. Unless the man has plenty of money/wisdom. Which is not always the case.

You sound a very immature 30 year old. This paragraph caught my eye:

He keeps himself fit; lots of walking/hiking, jujitsu, has a young outlook on life and has no health problems as yet - whereas I have a dodgy back/shoulders, my mum was signed off work permanently at the age of just 42 due to rheumatoid arthritis and she also has so many health issues; it's likely I'll 'degenerate' before him

You sound like you are trying to "bring yourself down" to what you perceive to be his level physically. Which is not a good thing. If you are that easily influenced by those around you, it would probably be a good idea for you, in an ideal world, to be with someone who inspires you to greater things. Always assuming you have a big choice available to you.

freeandhappy Tue 09-Apr-13 12:13:54

Oh God AF you are v funny! That is hilarious.

MorrisZapp Tue 09-Apr-13 12:20:11

Lol@ AF

But seriously folks. In any actuarial sense, if you marry somebody 30 years older than you, the overwhelming likelihood is that they will die long before you, especially if they are male and you are female.

Age isn't just a number.

MordecaiAndRigby Tue 09-Apr-13 12:22:38

Beautifully put AF.

WizardofOs Tue 09-Apr-13 12:31:20

I think that his idea that women get more interested in sex in their 40's may be true in as lot of cases. I think it is the body's last attempt at pregnancy! Lots of my friends agree with me that there do seem to be an awful lot of very attractive men around (younger mainly) now we are in our late 30's and 40's.

I have no experience of older men really but he does not very lovely.

WizardofOs Tue 09-Apr-13 12:31:52

Sorry - i meant to say he does seem very lovely. (Freudian slip?).

OneMoreGo Tue 09-Apr-13 12:35:44

snort at AF.

OP, I have been there in terms of age gap and wouldn't again. Too many reasons to list but a few: feeling lonely when they don't 'get' you and your interests/music/films because they're from a different generation, wanting someone who will fecking hammer me in bed and just be a bit into what we are doing (trust me, the 'complete gent' bit wears thin after a while if you like something more lively), and yes they will slow down and die before you.

However, if you're already dating and in love, may as well follow it as far as it goes and see what happens. I wouldn't go there again from the outset but I know it's harder when you are already emotionally involved.

Lovingfreedom Tue 09-Apr-13 12:41:46

If he's into 'pleasing you' then that involves listening to what you like doesn't it? I'm guessing... but this kind of guy might not really have 'another side to sex'... If you say you'd really like to 'pleasure him with your mouth' I doubt he'll refuse. You're never going to get him tying you up and talking filth though...he's not that kind of guy is he?

You've had sex with him once...I'd try a few more times before signing up to marriage/being a carer/too many death discussions.

AnyFucker Germany Tue 09-Apr-13 12:45:04

if he's a feathery stroker I suggest you dump him right now...otherwise you will be at screaming point very soon smile

praying4winter Tue 09-Apr-13 12:49:36

Well this is it. OneMoreGo I totally get what you mean about the 'gent' thing; as lovely as it is, yes you're very beautifully put ( wink ) comment about being hammered...I'm not into that all the time but sometimes? Yep would be nice. And I had that with my exes at times.

However - it's confusing as he said one lady he was seeing a while back just always wanted text sex. He said he did it "to please her, but if I ever sent a text just saying hi how are you, she'd go mad at me for not trying" - and he says that's why he ended it.

So he seems like he shows willing, which is good. And he did seem very into me when we had sex that time; making all the right noises and no problem getting aroused without being touched (well not down there anyway) - not that I expected him to have troubles because of his age as he's very fit at the moment but...I don't know, I suppose I'll get to know whether it has potential after trying it a few more times.

praying4winter Tue 09-Apr-13 12:50:59

AF gentle touch but moves me around quite...not roughly, what's the word for it? As though he has potential. Erm, I actually can't think of the word but hopefully you'll know what I mean. If not then just ignore me blush

I'm going against the grain.
I find it - in your words - 'icky'
Sorry - just my humble opinion.
You will be caring for him within 10-15 years and wondering what happened to your best years.

praying4winter Tue 09-Apr-13 12:57:29

That's ok hellsbells - need honest opinions and appreciate it, thanks smile

Thinking about it rationally...in 10 years he'll be 70. Men don't (usually) 'keep' as well as women; I've known lots of women of that age or near to it, that are in good shape but maybe not so many men.

How saggy are his balls? Is it true that old men's balls hang down their knees?

Lovingfreedom Tue 09-Apr-13 12:58:50

It was the first time with a new partner...it's not surprising you were both unsure about expressing yourself and communicating what you want. Give it another bash but tell him what you want this time, politely if necessary.

IMO there's no point talking about settling down with someone if the sex is poor from the off-set even if they are going to peg it 20 years before you

BerylStreep Tue 09-Apr-13 13:01:03

When you are 50, he will be 80. As it is he is twice your age.

If it's great, then go for it, but personally I wouldn't be into it.

Ogooglebar Tue 09-Apr-13 13:04:14

Have you been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis? What makes you think you're going to 'degenerate' early? You don't just get RA because your mum had it.

Ogooglebar Tue 09-Apr-13 13:07:20

And re. the relationship working, I can see it being nice for a while - he does sound lovely - but long-term...no. But then, if you fall madly in love you're not going to worry about the long-term and will just have to take it as it comes. I don't find the age gap 'icky' at all and wouldn't give you as a couple a second thought beyond 'there's an age gap between them' smile

AgathaF Tue 09-Apr-13 13:09:40

I can't imagine a long term relationship with that big an age gap. However, six months is not long at all. Another six months or a year from now and I am sure that you will be more certain of your own mind, and your relationship will have either flourished or be showing you where you are not really compatible.

praying4winter Tue 09-Apr-13 13:15:26

Lovingfreedom - no the sex was great, I enjoyed it.

I suppose my main worry was the relationship side of things being doomed from the start (to be over dramatic about it all), mainly - or purely because of - the age difference.
The rest of it, we're compatible - the sex is good and I think I can live with it being like this (more than live with it), even if I didn't get to bring the other side of things into play, we have similar tastes in music, interests and hobbies etc., with enough differences to mean that we have interesting conversation as well.

When I first realised I was interested in him, I had a quick think about the ages and a possible future, and I'm literally on the fence about it; for now the age difference doesn't matter but in 20 years time...but as I said in 20 years I'll have considered it to have had a good run in relationship terms, if we lasted that long.

LessMissAbs Tue 09-Apr-13 13:18:27

I must admit I struggle with the physical side of being attracted to someone who looks so much older. Fair enough when you're that age yourself but...Its the whole dynamic as well. Obviously a man of that age is going to be quite grateful for a much younger woman, and not be as much of a challenge to keep attracted as someone your own age.

Anyway, that's my personal taste. Even if you get a good ten years out of this relationship, surely that's a success? Or even five years? Why does every relationship have to be assessed on the strict criteria of staying together into old age? When so many relationships end in divorce, splitting up, etc.?

That said, if this relationship does last and you see it going the distance, you need to be aware that that distance is almost certainly going to include nursing someone through prolonged ill health and age-related degenerative conditions which might include dementia, senility, physical disability, etc., or alternatively you becoming single and alone at an age you will perhaps struggle to find another partner. So you might want to ensure he can provide for you.

I do know a man of 65 who has just got married to a woman of 46. He is a particularly youthful, healthy 65, but all the same, he has ensured that that she will not be thrown out of the family home should he peg it. Sorry to be morbid.

Mumcentreplus Tue 09-Apr-13 13:19:04

I'm being honest here...I would think he was your dad trying to be trendy if I saw you together

The thing about the hanging balls is true my aunty told me she's a nurse and she's washed a few old ball bags in her time

McBuckers Tue 09-Apr-13 13:19:43

There is 32 years between my dad and his wife. They've been together 25 years now and are very happy - go for it!

X

Re: the age gap. Having had an LTR with a partner who was 11 years older than me, I wouldn't do it again. It lasted 9 years but I should have bailed out after 5 or 6 - aside from some emotional abuse issues, the difference in our ages became very noticeable. Not a health side, but in a case of she was mid-40s, been there, done that, don't want to do it again, whereas I was mid-30s and still wanting to do stuff, not sit at home and garden!!! smile

Re: sex. I think a lot of people get into a 'mode'. If a man's long-term partner only likes X and Y, then he spend 5 or 6 years only doing X and Y. You get 'accustomed' to your partner and what she likes. Almost programmed. When you're with a new partner, you will often stick with that assuming that people are roughly the same. Communication is KEY. EVERYONE in the early days should tell their partner what they like, don't like. Most men, I think you'll find, will happily try new things - hell, would probably love to do what you want but assumes you won't because of his previous partner. Once you've talked and tried, you find out whether you are sexually compatible. Then's the time to decide if the person is right long-term or not.

Pootles2010 Tue 09-Apr-13 13:22:27

Sorry I don't think long term is wise - as Beryl says, you will be 50, still v active, and he will be 80. It is very tough being a carer, and you'll be still so young.

AThingInYourLife Tue 09-Apr-13 13:26:52

He's the same age as my Dad, and I'm older than you.

Do you want children?

praying4winter Tue 09-Apr-13 13:32:37

Thanks everyone smile

Can't remember who said what (and too lazy to check wink ) but the points I can remember...he DOES still want to do stuff - he's got a dog so walking is something he does a lot, it's not the first thing I'd choose to do out of a lot of options but I don't mind it. He still likes to go out, I've always been more into pubs and bars than clubs and he's the same - as long as it's not like an old man's pub it's ok with me.

Mumcentreplus - as it's been mentioned twice by different people thought I'd comment on the point you mentioned; I had an who is now 49. We split up a couple of years ago (he was very immature though so not like a 'normal' man his age) and his balls were hanging lower and more saggy than this guy. He was also rather well endowed compared to my most recent ex; never thought that'd make a difference but it sort of did.

Totally agree on getting stuck in a mode; he seems to be willing to try new things so I suppose that must be a bonus smile

praying4winter Tue 09-Apr-13 13:36:03

AThingInYourLife - got some. We did talk about that - not about us having any, but a general chat about how I'd wanted a big family when I was younger - and I think realistically, I wouldn't go there - I know male 'celebs' seem to be having children into old age but I don't think that's fair on the children.

I do have to consider though the effect on my children - my youngest is only 3 so if it lasted 20 years obviously she would be old enough to be able to cope/understand, but if he died after 10 years, that's not so great.

A relationship can end at any time though, regardless of age differences so the kids might have 'lost' him when they were still quite young anyway, even if we'd just split and he hadn't passed away.

KatzenStein Tue 09-Apr-13 13:36:51

I don't think anyone else has mentioned it yet, but what about children.

What happens when you get to 40 (say) and decide you want a family? He would then be 69 and how would he cope with a young family, or even want a young family. Nevermind the fact that that if you did have children then it's highly likely they would lose their father at a fairly young age.

Sorry to be blunt, but there's a lot more to consider than just the sexual side of things.

HelenDaniels Tue 09-Apr-13 13:39:56

I think you will get bored very quickly. That is a massive age gap and in a few years he will seem a lot, lot older.

bestcomestothosewhowait Tue 09-Apr-13 13:46:47

I'm seeing an older man. It's early days (3 months). He is 64. I am 30. We get on fantastically. He is kind, good company, just lovely.

We have discussed the long term but we don't know what will happen. At the moment we are enjoying it for what it is but I have fallen in love with him (and him me). We have pressures though - my young children, his grown up children, the 34 years between us, his looming retirement as my career is picking up.

But, with all the divorce stats (myself included), being run over by a bus etc etc we've decided to carry on for now. We don't know what the future will bring - we will see and we're enjoying it for now.

FWIW the sex is the best sex of my life. He gives me multiple orgasms, is very into oral sex, lasts a good amount of time, is very loving and lustful. We've discussed but not yet done stuff like dressing up, tying up and so on.

I couldnt really ask for anything more...apart from the issues of age gap obviously.

I haven't however mentioned anal sex grin

Stropperella Tue 09-Apr-13 13:46:50

60 may seem quite young (ish). 70 = pretty bloody old actually. Just make sure you go into it with no illusions. Which is easier said than done.

HowToSayNo Tue 09-Apr-13 14:33:19

Sorry I haven't read this all, but wanted to add my experience (spookily similar)
I was 31, he was 60. He was hippy-ish etc. made me feel warm and secure. We had lots in common. All seemed good. But I had doubts and I was very aware that in 10/20 years I would still be relatively young and he could need a carer.

Unlike your dp, mine shrugged it off. Said we could all be hit by a bus tomorrow.

With hindsight lots of things weren't right, but one of the hardest was dealing with no common cultural references. I've always been in to 60s music so I knew all his, but he had no idea about mine. This dragged me down after a while. Other issues were that I still wanted to go out dancing sometimes. I was still young and wanted to do young things. He wanted to have dinner parties and make intellectual conversation (fine by me as part of more but not exclusively). I felt like my need to be young was puerile (he'd done all that and couldn't remember the need for it).

I ended up feeling very resentful and as though I was compromising my needs all the time.

He was laid back and easy going, but we were at different stages of life.

That's ultimately why I called it off.

LessMissAbs Tue 09-Apr-13 14:41:37

OP - walking a dog and going to pubs is hardly an indication of the joy of youth in a man!!!

praying4winter Tue 09-Apr-13 14:51:14

LessMissAbs that's not what I meant - I meant that I'm not all about clubbing and other perceived 'young stuff'.

I'm just as happy staying in of an evening - or - taking the dog on a long walk around the countryside as I am going out.

Good to hear from people who've experienced it, and that they've had totally different views on it...lots of things to think about so thank you all smile

BerylStreep Tue 09-Apr-13 15:05:22

Well, you have experience of older men if your ex is now 49 - 18 years older. Was the age gap a big issue then?

I went out with a guy who was 10 years older than me when I was 18 - for 3 years. I was flattered to begin with that he found me interesting, but in retrospect he was extremely controlling who wanted someone younger to control. We went out together lots, but he hated me doing anything on my own.

kday Tue 09-Apr-13 16:26:58

My mum was married to a man much older than her. He died at almost 80 leaving her a widow just as she retired at 60 and could look forward to travelling etc. You say you'd only be 50ish and could meet someone else but (a) it's actually not that easy to meet like minded souls and (b) if he's as special to you as he should be if you've spent 20 years with him, you will grieve, hard. Of course a young man could die prematurely (my first husband died at 31) but I'd never set myself up for that kind of hurt, and being with a much older man is definitely taking you down that track. That's not to say don't do it if it's worth it to you, but go in with your eyes WIDE open about what the reality will be in 20 years.

praying4winter Tue 09-Apr-13 17:24:52

BerylStreep no he was very immature for his age, always out partying, gambling all his money, into punk music with a Mohawk - seemed fun at the time but actually wasn't after a while.

So no real experience with men of a certain age, that actually act their age.

Skinnywhippet Tue 09-Apr-13 17:55:03

I think you might regret this. It might seem like novelty, as all new relationship do to start with but that will soon wear off. What do your friends etc think?

I know you say you like quiet activities like pubs and dog walking, but do you want that exclusively? If you want to go abroad in say 5 - 10 years time his travel insurance is going to be massively inflated due to age. Is he currently working and due to retire soon? If so his income will reduce preventing him from doing things you might want to do. Does he have grown up children? If so, how will they feel about you and how would that affect you and your 3 yea old financially in the future?

I think the problem with the relationship is you might be closing doors on to things you don't even know you want yet. I feel a relationship should help to broaden you and your life, but think this one might well close down your opportunities.

Can I ask why you seem to be drawn to much older men? does he offer you some security that you crave? how did you met your current boyfriend?

As an afterthought....I think the only person who really knows whether this will work is you, but considering you are on this forum discussing it, you clearly have some concerns, which may only grow.

whenIwasRosie Tue 09-Apr-13 18:02:54

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

juneau Tue 09-Apr-13 18:04:57

If I saw you out I'd probably assume he was your dad. My dad is exactly that much older than me, so I think it's a fair assumption.

What would worry me about the age gap is not now, but in 10 or more years. My aunt married a man who was 20 years older than her - a very lively, nice, older man. He died suddenly at the age of 74, widowing her before she'd even retired. She now says though that although she'd have loved him to live much longer, that if he had he'd have really slowed her down. She is now 70 herself and travels widely with her friends, entertains, etc. If he was still alive he'd be 90 and she says she couldn't imagine sharing her life with someone so old. So that's something you might want to think about - particularly as your BF is another ten years older than that. Can you imagine your 50-year-old self wanting to be with an 80-year-old and living life at his pace?

juneau Tue 09-Apr-13 18:09:17

P.S. My aunt never met anyone else. She tried, for a while, but he was the love of her life and no one else could hold a candle to him. Don't assume it's easy to meet someone new later in life - some people manage it - but many others don't.

fuzzpig Tue 09-Apr-13 18:09:18

Hmm. Well, my DH is 19yrs older so obviously I'm not against AGRs. We've been together over 10 years now and are very happy and strong (we have been through an awful lot). Cultural/generational differences haven't been an issue with us, barring the odd "before my time grin" type thing, we have loads in common (both very geeky) and enjoy sharing/experiencing what we don't have in common if that makes sense.

You seem very unsure though and it doesn't sound like there's that raw, lustful chemistry that there should be after only 6m iyswim. But then maybe that's not always the sign of a long lasting relationship anyway. I don't know, if you want your Forever relationship right now then maybe it's not a good idea, but if you're happy to wing it for a while then why not?

Can't comment on the anal sex thing, euuwww(sorrygrin)

Mumsyblouse Tue 09-Apr-13 18:20:51

If it's a once in a lifetime relationship, soulmate type experience I wouldn't care about age. But this doesn't sound like this type of relationship. 60 is very young, for an older person smile but I have seen in my parents age group (60-70) lately a lot of ill-health, chronic illness and so on with previously healthy active fit exercising types, you can't pretend that a 65 year old body is going to be the same as a 45 year old body, and things like joint pain, mini-strokes, sight deterioration and so on can really affect mobility, even if the person is basically fine (I'm excluding the 'dramatic' diseases). Fine, if you are slowing up together, you can have a laugh about your wrinkes, his inability to get it up (some form of impotence is common, about 40/50% of older men are a little or a lot diminished), and remember the good times.

I think to choose all that, if the person isn't the love of your life, I wouldn't go for it myself.

Mumsyblouse Tue 09-Apr-13 18:21:47

And AF, thanks for the belly laugh, that first remark was just hilarious.

VelvetSpoon Tue 09-Apr-13 18:35:21

I'm a bit on the fence about this, and can see the good and the bad in age gap relationships...

On the one hand my parents had a 16 year age gap and a terrific relationship until my mum died in her early 50s (which left my dad heartbroken, being so much older he had always expected to go first).

On the other when I was 24 I was in a relationship with a man 20 years older than me. At the time I thought he was so wonderful, looked so young etc - with many years hindsight (I am now 40) I can see he looked like my dad, and the relationship was hugely inappropriate on many levels (the fact we worked for the same law firm and that he was the partner supervising my training contract being the main one).

Sex was awful, I was very inexperienced but even so knew it was bad. It was slow, boring and went on for hours - and not in a good way. Plus he used to do a running commentary of what he was doing, just before he was doing it. The sentence 'and now I'm going to withdraw and put on a condom' is forever etched into my mind hmm.

The thought that if he hadn't dumped me (after doing all the running, a few months in he strongly suggested I went off and found someone my own age) I would have spent the last 16 years having terrible sex, and now be tied to a slightly saggy old man about to hit retirement - when I am still full of life, go out lots and look 5-10 years younger than my age - is pretty horrifying.

OP, I think maybe if you've always been someone who likes a quite life etc it could work longterm, but you may well change how you feel as you get older, and I would be concerned about the novelty wearing off...

welcometomysillylife Tue 09-Apr-13 18:37:16

If you have been seeing each other for 6 months, why have you had sex only once? (especially as it seems to be a priority for you.) And no disrespect to the man in question, but surely the only way is downhill after 60.

BranchingOut Tue 09-Apr-13 19:13:29

There was a good thread a while back called something like: 'Aibu to not want to support DH' or 'DH retirement plan'.

Lots of different people in age-gap relationships posted.

praying4winter Tue 09-Apr-13 19:16:57

Skinnywhippet - it's not that it feels a novelty; we met purely by chance and I didn't expect to feel anything for him, he says the same...it just kind of felt right to be together.

He is working, but so am I - I've always been one to earn my own money so whether he's working or not is irrelevant to me.

I'm not only drawn to older men; I'd met up with a 30 year old guy just before I met my current partner a few times and we just didn't have the same connection that me and my partner do.

I think the only reason I'm so unsure about is you just hear so many negative accounts of AGR's, and my partner himself was saying he was worried about me feeling tied down once I'd hit my 'prime' in my 40s.

issypiggle Tue 09-Apr-13 19:26:15

theres a 30+ age gap in ours, and we've been together 2 years. i wouldn't have it any other way.

i didn't rush straight into it and thought long and hard about it and decided to go for it and i wouldn't change it.

we both sat down and chatted about it.

we're happy and it works. age is just a number.

praying4winter Tue 09-Apr-13 19:30:35

Aww issypiggle that's nice to hear.

Forgot to say before; I've never been a massively 'relationshippy' person anyway - the relationship with my last ex wasn't brilliant, he was quite off-and-on with me so I have pretty much brought my daughters up on my own.

I don't feel like I need to be in a relationship to be complete or anything like that, its just I met this guy, we clicked instantly and I feel very strongly towards him. Obviously long term equals better when you have children involved too, but not necessarily 'for life'.

He just seems to worry a lot about what I might think about the age difference, and nothing I say seems to convince him I won't run off with someone younger in 10-20 years time...

AnyFucker Germany Tue 09-Apr-13 19:34:18

Rosie, I think you must have mislaid your SOH, dude

AnyFucker Germany Tue 09-Apr-13 19:37:33

...and do I know you ?

issypiggle Tue 09-Apr-13 19:40:23

just take it slowly, you might find that you do become more 'relationshippy' (i like that word). and things will settle down and he'll settle.

llife is too short to worry about whats going to happen in the future. worry about now. and if you are both happy don't change it.

praying4winter Tue 09-Apr-13 19:42:57

Thanks smile

GettingGoing Tue 09-Apr-13 20:00:12

'typical unhelpful, unfunny replies from AF...'. whenIwasRosie - what are you talking about?

comingintomyown Tue 09-Apr-13 20:30:07

I wouldnt but theres nothing wrong with it

Both my parents remarried someone 16 years their junior and now they are 70 its starting to show badly much less double that age gap

snowshapes Tue 09-Apr-13 20:42:49

I think it depends on the person, but I would tend to agree that the advantages are all for the man. I had an age difference with my husband, now separated, not as much as you have, but after a while, it became obvious to me it was not an equal partnership. He was used to things his way, and had his ideas, and became controlling and abusive. While I appreciate age difference relationships can work, in general I do wonder why men do not take up with women their own age now.

I think other practical things if you take up with him long term, what about a joint family home? Will he really want to move into a new home? As a couple, you need a home which is both of yours.

And I wouldn't be making statements about not going off with a younger man, six months is still the honeymoon period. Who knows?

Liara Tue 09-Apr-13 20:58:53

I have seen many, many relationships like this, including my best friend and a few in my family.

Many have lasted 'the distance' but none of them have been unproblematic.

Yes, there is a particularly difficult patch when the woman hits about 40, and the man is retiring/retired.

Retirement and age 70 seem to be massive life changes in many men. They seem to age in a discontinuous fashion, a man who was youthful and vital a few years earlier can suddenly seem to become an 'old man' over a fairly short period.

The burden of this falls inevitably on the woman. When there are children involved (as there would be in your case) it can be truly trying to be there for all the people who need them.

Only you can decide whether it's worth it for you, but you are wise to think about the issues up front.

Kione Tue 09-Apr-13 21:18:03

didnt have time to read all the thread but, if you love each other go for it, Paul Newman was hot at 83!
But yeah, make sure you have good pension plans etc.
Sexually you may have great fun discovering things together wink

BerylStreep Tue 09-Apr-13 21:31:32

I missed Rosie's comment before it was deleted, but AF's comment earlier was one of the funniest things I have read for a long time!

CruCru Tue 09-Apr-13 21:41:28

This could be great but...

When you are in your mid sixties he will be in his nineties. When you are meant to be enjoying early retirement, you will be looking after a very old man.

maleview70 Tue 09-Apr-13 21:44:50

Unless he is dead by then!

Still choking about AF's Marmite Tower comment and thinking that perhaps the tag line for marmite is accurate - you either love it or hate it!

Cherylkerl Tue 09-Apr-13 22:07:33

My dad and his partner have a 22 year age gap and it's lovely to see him happy with her - and she's only a couple of years older than me, but much more mature!

Age CAN be an important issue but doesn't HAVE to be. This relationship has lasted almost as long as my parents marriage did - now been together 15 years and counting. My parents were the same age.

Age does have some impact on the relationship I suppose though. He's very keen for her to retain her independence and has encouraged her to pursue a career - she was a stay at home single mum when they met. He did provide support but also mindful of the fact that she needs something for herself and a means of earning a living for when he isn't here. Their age and life stages did shape certain things - in the early days, there was a lot of conversation about the issue of kids. She had two young kids from a previous relationship, we were grown up. My Dad was willing to commit to being a step dad but not keen on anymore of his own, but aware that at her age at the time - early twenties - she might not have been done. As it happened, she felt she was and I think they are happy with their decision. Dad would not have continued the relationship otherwise - he believes women should not be denied the opportunity to be a mother by an older man who has children. She appears to be enjoying the fruits of her efforts now my dad is a grandad as she has a very special role in my nephew's life, so she has access to baby cuddles.

Can't comment on the sex, requires brain bleach! But I'm informed that my parents marriage wasn't physical and from the sounds of things, his current relationship is. I'm pleased for him that he's fulfilled in this sense, but obviously not going to dwell on that! but I hope they are both happy, it's something people deserve.

So personally speaking, I'm glad that some people are open minded to have age gap relationships, because this particular one has made my family. I chuckle in a nice way when I hear her refer to her 'boyfriend'...he's not a boyfriend, he's my embarrassing dad!

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Tue 09-Apr-13 22:07:45

My DH is a lot older than me.

I married him because I couldn't not marry him. And I did try not to a couple of times grin

I have no idea what will happen 20 years from now. No one does. But like juneau's aunt ^ he is the love of my life smile

Darkesteyes Tue 09-Apr-13 22:07:47

My DH is 63 and i will be 40 in two months. We have been together 21 years but have not had any affection or sex between us since i was 23.
When i was 30 i had an affair.
OP if you put my username into the search engine you will probably find where ive posted about it a lot.

AgathaPinchBottom Tue 09-Apr-13 22:31:51

Haven't read whole thread but just wanted to say I'm happily married to a man 27 years my senior and he is the man for me. We have a beautiful ds together. The age gap is not something I notice at all now - although I did more so at the beginning. We are very happy, we fit. My sister in law is also happily married to a man thirty years her senior. so im 33 and my brother in law is 83 ; )
It all seems very normal in our family ...

whenIwasRosie Tue 09-Apr-13 23:00:26

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

AnyFucker Germany Tue 09-Apr-13 23:03:10

Rosie, if you are insinuating I reported you, that would make you wrong

Again

AnyFucker Germany Tue 09-Apr-13 23:05:06

Rosie, ask OP if she was hurt by my comment. Then ask her if she feels offended by the way you have patronised her. Also whether she is pissed off with her thread being derailed by a shit stirrer.

You might get some answers you didn't expect.

whenIwasRosie Tue 09-Apr-13 23:10:49

I didn't patronise her. You derailed her thread by making a silly joke on it and who else got my post deleted, it was harmless enough

AnyFucker Germany Tue 09-Apr-13 23:14:29

Yes, you are patronising her by making the assumption she needs protecting from the comment I made. Conversely, I expect her to be grown up enough to take it on the chin (or anywhere else she likes to take it)

whenIwasRosie Tue 09-Apr-13 23:14:46

It wasn't meant to be patronising or offensive to the OP, it was a genuine post. Your post about the 'marmite tower' was way more offensive imo

whenIwasRosie Tue 09-Apr-13 23:16:15

I was not patronising her, I was not protecting her from your comment and I see you are at it again

AnyFucker Germany Tue 09-Apr-13 23:16:59

grin

get a grip, Rosie, you are making yourself look silly.

whenIwasRosie Tue 09-Apr-13 23:17:53

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

cozietoesie Tue 09-Apr-13 23:18:34

Let it go, rosie. The OP can look after herself it seems to me.

Mumcentreplus Tue 09-Apr-13 23:23:28

<<sniggers>> wonders if Rosie loves or hates Marmite? hmm grin

praying4winter Wed 10-Apr-13 09:17:52

Oh God, argument in thread! What to do...what to do...!?

FWIW (and I did say this....I think, maybe I forgot to press 'post'), I cracked up laughing at the Marmite Tower post - the way AF typed that whole comment appealed to my sense of humour and I genuinely wasn't offended.

I haven't been offended or upset by anything anyone has said; it's not RL after all but more importantly than that, I'm genuinely thinking that I wasn't meant to fall for this guy; when I first started talking to him I noticed 'something' about him, but it wasn't an attraction in the physical sense or me thinking I wanted to be with him from then on.
We met up properly about a week after we first met and I felt so relaxed and comfortable, as did he; it was like we'd known each other years and since then, the conversation has flowed and we talk about anything and everything; it just feels natural.
But it seems mad to me, lol - good mad, but still insane that there I was just happily bringing my daughters up and genuinely not expecting or looking for a man...then I meet one that knocks me sideways without me realising - and all of a sudden it feels...well just...'right'. He says the same - last thing he was expecting was to feel this way about someone so much younger.

All the advice has helped me immensely - whether it's comments about Pensioners liking Marmite ( grin ) or the more serious ones with experiences on either side of the AGR fence.

Branleuse Wed 10-Apr-13 09:32:46

id keep going out with him, but i wouldnt live together. Keep your distance so you dont end up someones live in carer, but enjoy the connection and love etc. Keep it special, keep a bit of distance

AnyFucker Germany Wed 10-Apr-13 09:41:47

You will be fine, if you hang onto that soh grin

You don't have to have a big age difference to end up as someone's carer. I married a very fit and lovely man who was only five years older then me. In his forties, he suffered a very bad accident and became disabled. He can now hardly walk and struggles every day. I have also become very ill and so we are now in our fifties with the health issues of people years older.

onefewernow Wed 10-Apr-13 10:21:20

I'm going to be blunt and say that if you have concerns about sexual variety, I think you will be in for years of disappointment , down the line. IME, having been with one man for 23 years, they do not age well sexually beyond a certain point, and if he is 60 he is likely be getting to a stage when penetrating anything will be an issue soon, if it isn't already.

praying4winter Wed 10-Apr-13 11:13:19

Lol AF grin

onefewernow no see this is the thing; it's obviously an issue because I mentioned it, so it just be on my mind - but I can - honestly and truthfully - live without sex. As pathetic as that sounds at my age, I can.
We had another bit of a talk last night, he brought up what I'd hinted at the other night and said he wasn't sure he could give me what I wanted, but then he said he'd be willing to try and see if he liked other stuff - I think he thought (same as everyone on this thread) that I was some insatiable, kinky nympho but honestly, I'm not.
He's given me enough variety - not going into details but it wasn't just missionary so even that slight variety is enough for me.

I suppose it's more if he wanted to try more, whether he'd say so and if not, should I keep giving him the opportunities to try more (and the, how do I do that without possibly freaking him out or looking like I'm sex-mad).

That probably makes no sense either, does it hmm

onefewernow Wed 10-Apr-13 11:32:04

As men age, and over 50-60, their testosterone levels drop year on year. They are still fertile, but the height of their erections decrease and so does the level of firmness. They also lose their spontaneous morning erections, think about sex less, and want it less often. They are often conflicted in coming to terms with thus, as men are so defined by their sexuality.

But there it is. They often deny it us the case, but the research is there, and anyway it's common knowledge. So , you should be warned!

If you want to create a long term relationship with him, you need to take that factor into account, but it sounds like you have. Good luck.

Lucylloyd13 Wed 10-Apr-13 12:53:58

Thirty years is a big gap, ok now, problematic later.

As for sex talk you have to be open and honest, and if it isnt clicking, move on. If you want anal- ask for it.

nkf Wed 10-Apr-13 13:02:25

But he's so much older than you. And you are already having doubts about sexual compatibility. AF (you are the funniest!) I don't know. It would have to be feel totally wonderfully right in other ways for me to think it was worth pursuing. Good luck with whatever you decide.

BerylStreep Wed 10-Apr-13 16:21:09

I suppose there's always viagra if things stop responding as well.

WriterGirl1 Tue 16-Jul-13 07:30:47

I don't like to butter up things, so I will just say what I think...

Well, it might end up working too...But, I am personally not sure. Coz if he is too traditional, it will show up in other things than sex. Like as in you may like to wear whatever you like and hangout and party, and he may not like it, and stuff...
My parents are like that. My dad was brought up to traditionally and mom was not. SO dad yells at mom if she comes home late from office even coz of a meeting or something, and this, and many more things where dad needed his way done, lead to the breaking of their relationship....

Hmm... I think its going to be ok for about four or five years, but when you two will get used to each other, then it might go bad. Like as in, when you are new in love, you tend to ignore each other's bad sides. But when that love becomes a bit old, the bad sides begins to nag you. And this part is what leads to most divorces and break-ups...

But from what you told, it feels like you would be frustrated over time with unsatisfied sexual desires... And that can be very dangerous. It can, bring a slow accumulation of 'why did I have this fate' kind of feeling... This can lead to the cracks in your relationship.

So, my advise is... either enjoy it till it is good and new not expecting for much more, or reconsider now...

But still, there is the big possibility that what I said wont be true in your case and it might actually end up working. (I was grown up in an environment where my parents fought all the time, so i believe all love ware off in some time... Which is true, I guess)

I always think of Sex in the City scene where Samantha bolts after seeing the saggy arse of her older lover walking away from the bed when reading threads like this.

MalcolmTuckersMum Tue 16-Jul-13 07:42:27

I always think "What was that new poster searching for when she decided to resurrect an old thread about anal sex"..........

sadsong Tue 16-Jul-13 07:49:05

I've always been attracted to older men. All my major relationships and flings have been with them. To begin with the sex was always good, (perhaps they were all thanking lucky stars they'd found an amazingly young pretty woman) but it tailed off with all of them except exh, but then only a 6 yr gap there. I never realised I had a high sex drive, but you notice it when it becomes a once a month job and its a cause of a lot of resentment. Imo It's a telling sign if an older men says sex isn't that important. Well it's not the most important but its one very important factor for me. At mid 30s I'm not prepared to give it up. This became a massive deal with one guy I was seeing 12 yrs older & another 16 yrs older.

missbopeep Tue 16-Jul-13 08:34:49

Okay- my twopenneth worth...

forget all the touchy feely stuff, just some facts ( and yes, there are exceptions.)

The reality- age expectation for men of his generation ( and mine!) is about 80 years. He might get longer, who knows.
The stark reality is that looking at stats, you are likely to be alone from your mid 50s, and maybe even acting as his carer for some years preceding that.

This might be something that doesn't bother you.

Re. sex, again, all men are different. There is some recent research that shows that men in their 80s are having sex still and are capable of it.
On the other hand, men's ability to have erections does diminish from their mid 60s if not before.

It's one matter imo when couples face this together- women often have problems with sex once they hit menopause unless they use HRT for dryness etc, so if a couple are roughly the same age they are both facing these things together.

I had a long relationship with a man 15 years older. That was okay but it still concerned me that when I'd have been 55 he'd be 70.

In your case, it all depends on what you can cope with. If you are a live for the moment person then keep going with this man but if it's something that is always going to play on your mind, then maybe you are better ending it now.

Sorry if this is not what you want to hear.

Spickle Tue 16-Jul-13 08:55:30

I have never had a relationship with someone so much older and wouldn't want to. I look at my FIL and MIL, both 80 years old with breathing difficulties, rhumatoid arthritis and many other health issues. They are lovely people but spend the majority of their lives now at the doctors and the hospital. I am in my 50s and look after my mum, nearly 80. My mum was still active at 75, but a fall has stopped that. I know health issues can happen at any age, and if you're both having fun, then go for it, but long term, no.

missbopeep Tue 16-Jul-13 10:57:37

A few more thoughts.

I have a friend who has married someone 20 years older. You can see the difference in age even though he is clearly a fit 70 yr old.

IMO this is what I think- based on friends, colleagues etc, and what I've seen work and not work.

- up to 10 years difference - either sex- not even worth worrying over.
-10-15 years difference - as above most of the time.
-15-20 years difference- needs a little bit of thought re. shared values and life experiences, and expectations ie children together.
-20-25 years difference- getting into dodgy territory re. age related illness, life expectancy etc, new family - ie children together.
-30 years difference- hmm generally not a great idea and some stark realism needed re. 50 yr old woman and 80 yr old man.

SisterMonicaJoan Tue 16-Jul-13 11:23:27

ZOMBIE THREAD! (About Janny love grin!

LessMissAbs Tue 16-Jul-13 11:24:22

Will an age gap relationship work? Well of course it can work - many people's do. Whether your own relationship will work depends on the two individuals involved, and no-one can predict that.

You write He keeps himself fit; lots of walking/hiking, jujitsu, has a young outlook on life and has no health problems as yet - whereas I have a dodgy back/shoulders, my mum was signed off work permanently at the age of just 42 due to rheumatoid arthritis and she also has so many health issues; it's likely I'll 'degenerate' before him

Its as if you are trying to make yourself more similar to him by emphasising your health problems. Perhaps this is the way your relationship will go. Generally, some men slow down as they get older, and you sound as though you subconsciously realise this, and are getting in the mood.

If you get on well, I don't see the problem. Asking strangers how to introduce the concept of anal sex to a man you have had sex with once is odd. Why would you be thinking about specifically anal right now when you have only had sex once?

Likewise when you say how he described his previous long term marriage, it is slightly odd the way you describe it. You sound as if you barely know him.

You will have to be aware of all the issues involving dating a much older man - particularly the liklihood that you will be expected to be his carer one day. On the positive side, you probably don't have to worry that much about him running off with a younger woman, or keeping him attracted - he must be counting his lucky stars that he has attracted a much, much younger woman. I also doubt there will be a lot of female competition for him, compared to a younger man.

missbopeep Tue 16-Jul-13 12:20:41

60 isn't old these days for a man or woman if they look after themselves.

But I agree with the previous poster than you seem rather negative about your own health at such a young age ( if you have a dodgy back and shoulders get some physio/work done and sort it if that's possible), and appear to be trying to 'blend' with his age rather than enjoy your youth! You almost seem to be predicting that you too , like your Mum, will start to disintegrate in your early 40s!

It's a bit odd that you are saying already that you could live without sex. Living without sex at 31 might seem fine in theory but if you had 20 years or more of a sexless relationship then you might think rather differently.

ImperialBlether England Tue 16-Jul-13 12:38:42

This is an old thread.

Louisiana29 Sat 20-Jul-13 06:11:17

I'm now in a sort of relationship with a guy who is 29 years my senior (I'm 36, he's 65). I never expected to fall for him, but it just happened. He pressed the right bottons over and over again until I just couldn't resist him. We are together fighting for a cause in our community and it has been like in the movies, really. If he didn't have family issues, I would definitely stay with him. The thing is that I am exactly as old as his older daughter, and I guess that freaks him out (why didn't he think of that before pressing all the right bottons?? we'll never now... but well). He also is very into his friends and community and he seems not to be ready to face public scrutiny, so we are not officially a couple. We get along super well, we have fun, we laugh a lot--we really make each other laugh--, we have arguments, too, but even arguing with him is fun. He is very intelligent and raised all of his kids alone so has this very special sensitivity that I love. He surprises me and is always willing to do all the crazy stuff I propose (I'm a writer, so I invent all of these stories that he follows, and invent situations and suggest original things to do).

I really usually forget about the age gap. He gets tired though, through the day, and takes a nap, with which I'm OK. He goes to the gym and has some health issues, but nothing that really gets in the way.

Regarding sex, there has been no penetration, but because I haven't wanted it. If he is not sure about the whole thing, I think it's unfair to me to jump into sex, because then I'll fall for him heavily and perhaps he'll dump me later because he can't truly deal with the age gap. We have done plenty of other stuff though and it's been super fun, I can't complain. Therefore, if one day erections aren't at hand (lol), there's still "plenty of other stuff" that can be very satisfactorily done... so I wouldn't worry that much about the sex part, as long as both of you are OK with exploring other options and being creative in a nice way about it.

The clue, at the end, is communication and love. If you want to make him happy and he wants to make you happy in all sorts of things (sex included), it sounds pretty good to me. The point is figuring out if one is or is not in that case and you have to figure that out in any kind of relationship, with age gap or without it.

I will probably not stay with this guy not because I don't love him, because I sure do love him, but because he's having problems dealing with the age gap and is taking his time and I am getting tired. However, if he's able to surmount this issue, I would definitely consider staying with him. When you've been looking for a nice guy for a long time and all of a sudden life throws at you the less expected man that you don't know how fits you, you have to give the guy a chance. Nobody is rushing into marriage, it's just about giving it a try. If you (or I, for that matter, or any of them) get bored, you (or I or them...) can call it off any time.

I hope thinks work the best way for you (whatever way that is)! smile

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