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Am I being taken for a ride here??

(101 Posts)
Venicebeachmaria Mon 08-Apr-13 21:54:20

DP and I decided we wanted to buy a house together. Before taking that plunge however, we wanted to trial living together and as he doesn't currently have a home of his own (sold his house, split money with ex wife and now living with parents whilst he saves up for another deposit) I said he could come and live with me. He said in 4 months time, we could start looking into the finances etc to see what we could afford and what we needed to save etc. That was 6 months ago. So a few weeks ago I brought it up and he said he couldn't think about that until after our holiday. So the holiday comes and goes - we get back and I mention it again, he says he can't think about that until he's 'over' the jet lag etc hmm. A week or so later I mention it again, he says he can't think about that until after Glastonbury (June!) so i said, "that's in June!" and he replied "yes and I also have to think about the summer holiday I'm having with my kids first" - That's august. It seems like there is always some excuse. He told me to save up and he'd do the same, so I have been - I've been saving every penny I have whilst he is going out buying football season tickets and booking festivals. Tonight he started going on about a holiday to Niagra Falls next year --- maybe I should say I can't think about that until AFTER the house thing is sorted?!
Tonight I tried a subtle hint by going on his ipad and leaving it open on Rightmove. When he came to use it, he turned rightmove off without even looking at it and put fucking candy crush on.
He's taking the piss isn't he?or am I being too pushy which is what he implies?

Venicebeachmaria Mon 08-Apr-13 21:57:29

Should also add, he's living here for free and whilst he does contribute towards groceries/petrol etc he is theoretically living for free despite earning a bloody good wage. Part of me thinks he's got too used to having free money in his pocket that he's dreading getting a mortgage again and being "skint" (although he wouldn't be skint, just not as 'loaded' as he is now).

RandomMess Mon 08-Apr-13 21:57:51

Is he contributing to living at your place, ie rent?

Cocklodger, sorry hmm

RandomMess Mon 08-Apr-13 21:58:40

I'd tell him he needs to pay up towards living at yours grin

Venicebeachmaria Mon 08-Apr-13 21:59:04

No he isn't. He buys the odd bit of groceries but that's it

nocake Mon 08-Apr-13 22:00:37

Dump him. If this is how he treats his fnancial obligations (or lack of them) now don't even contemplate tying yourself to him financially.

smokinaces Mon 08-Apr-13 22:02:47

Yup, he's sounding rather cock lodger like.

Say "ok, we will leave it till after August, so up to then your half of the rent will be xxxx, bank transfer or cash is fine around the fifth of the month"

RobotLover68 Mon 08-Apr-13 22:03:01

Dump him. If this is how he treats his fnancial obligations (or lack of them) now don't even contemplate tying yourself to him financially.

^^this

DiscoDonkey Mon 08-Apr-13 22:04:17

"I can't think about that" translates to "I don't need to think about that because I'm taking you for a mug and your letting me so what's in it or me to buy a house!"

kickassangel Mon 08-Apr-13 22:05:01

Cocklodger.

Start charging him rent at market rate, plus contribution to all bills. If he isn't doing his share of housework, charge him for that too. I suspect he'll save you the bother of dumping him and head off back to his mother

kinkyfuckery Mon 08-Apr-13 22:06:51

Why on earth is he not paying his share at your home?

BriansBrain Mon 08-Apr-13 22:08:52

You need to start splitting the cost of living or find a new home together

His response to one or both of those suggestions will prove if he is a cocklodger or not he is

GirlWiththeLionHeart Mon 08-Apr-13 22:08:56

Why the fuck is he living there without contributing to rent?! confused he's taking you for a good ride but you've allowed him to. Put a stop to it now and ask him to either contribute half of the rent or move out until he's ready to think about it

Xales Mon 08-Apr-13 22:11:14

He's planning on staying put with you without putting his hand in his pocket until you have had enough.

4 months to 6 months and now another 4 months minimum. That's 10 months rent free. All the way into next year and beyond if you allow this to continue.

Around here that would for an average 3 bed house set you back £8 -£9k/year minimum. That is without the cooked meals, sex, council tax, hot water etc.

Nice deal for him...

coppertop Mon 08-Apr-13 22:15:34

You moved in together as a trial period before buying a house.

Tell him the trial has shown you that it's not going to work out the way you'd hoped.

He's had 6 months of not paying his way. No holiday is worth putting up with this level of selfishness.

Surely if you have trail living together that includes him paying half the bills.

As it is he will never want to agree to buying anywhere with you as this will cost him as he will have to pay his way.

AnyFucker Mon 08-Apr-13 22:39:23

you have been very silly

dump the cocklodger

Midwife99 Mon 08-Apr-13 22:41:45

Cocklodger alert! Why would he buy a house when he gets one for free?!!
Not even paying a share of the bills?!! Oh come on honey! You know what to do - send him back to mummy & daddy & tell him to get back in touch when he grows up!
Btw - what did he do with the equity from his last house? shock

Le lodger de cock
I thought I would be a bit different smile

Seriously, PLEASE start demanding rent immediately, or off he goes back to Mummy's

Midwife99 Mon 08-Apr-13 22:58:19

gringringrin Norks

DontSHOUTTTTTT Mon 08-Apr-13 23:05:54

Cockeous Lodgercus.

(Latin trumps French, sorry Norks grin )

Sallyingforth Mon 08-Apr-13 23:06:46

It's too late for you to insist on him paying. The fact that he hasn't voluntarily done so already means that he's a tight bastard that you don't want to be living with.

LessMissAbs Mon 08-Apr-13 23:11:59

Even in the unlikely event he isn't deliberately conning you into giving him free accommodation, hes got a damned cheek, to extend a temporary arrangement, based on your goodwill and a promise to buy together, indefinitely.

Quite what do you see in him OP? He is using you. There is something fundamentally wrong with his character, and it will manifest itself again and again.

Venicebeachmaria Mon 08-Apr-13 23:18:55

He has over £21k in bank. Supposedly for this house of "ours" but yeah I'm starting to resent scrimping and saving when he gets to live here for free, buy numerous gadgets, toys, plan holidays and buy season tickets when I'm totally cutting back and saving like we agreed. He's taking the piss big time. He earns over £15k a year more than I do too

AnyFucker Mon 08-Apr-13 23:21:45

so what are you going to do about it ?

myroomisatip Mon 08-Apr-13 23:24:54

What AF said.

(AF I wish you were my friend in RL! )

AnyFucker Mon 08-Apr-13 23:25:58

thank you, myroomisatip blush

Venicebeachmaria Mon 08-Apr-13 23:26:34

I'm going to tell him we either start the ball rolling now with regards to buying a house or he needs to move out of my house as living together obviously isn't a priority of his.

Helltotheno Mon 08-Apr-13 23:27:22

Lawd honey how did you get suckered in by that??
I think you need to kick his entitled, cock-lodging ass to the kerb yesterday.
I think you need to review your relationship too. A user and tight into the bargain... not exactly a great catch!

AnyFucker Mon 08-Apr-13 23:28:35

this was a "trial period", right ?

he failed the trial

Hmmm, I would be VERY wary of throwing my lot in with this gentleman.
He seems to have a "what's yours is mine and what's mine's my own" attitude which I can't believe will magically alter if you ever buy a house together.

je smells un raton!

Also very tempted to say QLB (French for....)
He really is going to string you along foreverandeverandeverandeverandever

...andever

ChasedByBees Mon 08-Apr-13 23:36:49

Ooh no no. He's not a keeper OP.

Xales Mon 08-Apr-13 23:45:00

bangs head on wall

For gods sake don't start the ball rolling on financially tying yourself to a man happy to live off your money while spending all his as he pleases.

Spend 6 months to a year contributing equally and see how that goes first.

DontSHOUTTTTTT Mon 08-Apr-13 23:45:58

He is showing his true colours........ Are you sure you want to buy a house with him hmm ????

AnyFucker Mon 08-Apr-13 23:47:59

I don't think you are quite getting it sad

PostmanPatricia Mon 08-Apr-13 23:53:22

He should be paying you at least £500/month to live in your house. Maybe more, depending on where you live/your mortgage.

Tell him so.

Monty27 Tue 09-Apr-13 00:03:07

I luff AF blush ahem...

Back to thread... yep cocklodger, get rid.

JollyGolightly Tue 09-Apr-13 00:03:49

No, no ball-rolling must occur. Unless the ball be one of his (see what I did there?)

Do not buy a house with this man; he has shown that he is not to be trusted, he's selfish and does not have real respect for you. Please, please make a strong and self-respecting choice, don't get in any deeper

Viviennemary Tue 09-Apr-13 00:03:59

Well why would he want to buy a house when he already has one. Yours. This just isn't fair of him at all. You don't say if you are planning to sell your own house. But it sounds as if he's is perfectly happy with the status quo so isn't in a great hurry to move. he's got a nerve really when he earns so much more than you do. But don't write him off yet. But if he doesn't show willing soon something will have to be done.

AnyFucker Tue 09-Apr-13 00:06:07

What is the point of a "trial period" if you take no notice whatsoever of the results ?? confused

AnyFucker Tue 09-Apr-13 00:06:27

monty x

Primafacie Tue 09-Apr-13 00:14:56

Dump him. HTH

Seriously, there are loads of decent men out there. He isn't one of them.

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm Tue 09-Apr-13 00:37:20

I'm quite a nice bloke, and I cook. Can I come and live with you, too?

Promise to pay my way as soon as my long lost Aunt sends me that money she owes me............

Really, OP. He's living the dream, isn't he............ wink

Midwife99 Tue 09-Apr-13 00:43:00

If he does love you, a bit of time to think away from your freebie house may clarify his thinking?! But I think he has failed really. When DH moved into my house before we were married he gave me £1200 a month to cover my loss of tax credits & his share of the food & bills. And he had a mortgage elsewhere. And maintenance for his DD. Your man is a tight wad!!

Angelico Tue 09-Apr-13 00:47:20

These threads actually make me angry.

Make him pay his way or kick him out. It really is that simple.

nocake Tue 09-Apr-13 08:14:17

No, no, no.... do not under any circumstances buy a house with this man. Seriously... listen to us. It will lead to pain and heartache. Get rid of him while it's easy. It will be so much harder when you're tied together.

LisaMed Tue 09-Apr-13 08:38:46

OP - why do you think his behaviour will be any different if you get a house together?

Ragwort Tue 09-Apr-13 08:49:55

Venice - what everyone else says, this 'trial' has shown that he is not a mature, committed adult looking for a relationship between two equals. Why on earth would you want to buy a home with someone with this attitude? Seriously, what do you get out of this relationship? If you really 'love' him & enjoy your time together hmm, let him move out and just be boy/girl friends you may suddenly find he is no longer interested in you.

BerylStreep Tue 09-Apr-13 08:59:31

Cocke Loadger.

Does Middle English trump Latin?

OP, I've been there. I felt like a silly girl when I realised I was being taken for a ride. This guy just doesn't want to commit. Tell him it's not working and get him to move out.

AnyFucker Tue 09-Apr-13 09:00:18

Where has op gone ?

nkf Tue 09-Apr-13 09:04:11

You want different things. You want to buy a house. He wants low outgoings and a lot of fun. Personally, I think life is too short to try to change people.

Venicebeachmaria Tue 09-Apr-13 10:17:07

Thanks for all the advice. Last night he was going on about going to cinema Wednesday, out for a meal on Friday night, cinema again next Wednesday, to a concert Thursday, away for the weekend in the Saturday - I said "thought we were trying to save money?" So he said "ok well if you're thinking like that, we won't go away at weekend" ( the one that was my idea). He then starts going on about flights to America for next year. I'm working late tonight but Ill tell him when I get back that I'm not happy and feel like I'm being taken for a ride.

Are you now going to dump him or are you going to keep flogging this dead horse of a relationship?.

What do you get out of this relationship exactly?. He has you down as a complete pushover and has treated you as such. Sadly too, you have allowed him to do this to you.

The bloke's got cocklodger written all over him. This is exactly what these types do. Its all par for the course for such lazy entitled men. And you'll pay for all the activities he has planned with him in mind.

He's had it well made with you and that is all he wants you for; a roof over his head, sex and free bed and board. Raise your own relationship bar a lot higher next time around.

ImperialBlether Tue 09-Apr-13 10:34:38

In a way you've been very lucky.

He has shown you EXACTLY what he's like. OK, it's cost you a bit in terms of feeding him, etc, but NOTHING like what it would cost if you were to move in with him.

FWIW I doubt he still has that £20,000 in the bank.

FWIW I think if you let him stay another year, you'd be in EXACTLY the same position.

Go home tonight and say to him, "There's a word for people like you. It's cocklodger. Now go and pack your bags and go back to your parents' house."

Once he's gone, book yourself a lovely holiday to celebrate the fact that he's gone and forget all about him.

You are worth so much more than him, in every way.

Lavenderhoney Tue 09-Apr-13 10:43:23

Slight surprised the living together didnt include him paying rent, and contribution to bills with a rent book so he can't claim he has been contributing to your mortgage and demand part of any profit on a sale.

Tell him he owes you x in back rent and bills, which he should have discussed with you anyway. He has the money so why not? Or will he go on hols without you? Still saves you packing his stuff.

I wouldn't buy a house with him. If he spends his money like water and you don't, you will always be the one paying for boring stuff like food and broken boilers etc, whilst eyeing the DVDs and other stuff he deems more important.

ImperialBlether Tue 09-Apr-13 10:46:50

I will put a bet on that the OP's partner told her he could save up faster if he wasn't paying rent. Plus the fact he probably wasn't paying a damn thing at his parents' house, so in order to entice him, that was the agreement.

obviously, there is no other word for it, much as i would like to be original - cocklodger!

sadly don't think you're going to tell him to start paying or sling his hook and will just put up with it instead.

StuffezLaBouche Tue 09-Apr-13 11:32:58

Venice please listen. Absolutely do not get a place with this man - every single action of his indicates he does not see you as a unit and is quite frankly one of like's 'takers.' When you move in with someone on a trial basis, don't you do your damnedest to show that person how great you'd be living together, contributing equally and laying the foundations of being a family?
You're going to have to get the ball rolling on this conversation because he has absolutely no incentive to. Christ - a rent free existence, no bills, food bought and I bet cooked... Its a good life. So, I would bet he IS saving a lot of money that's obviously not going on rent and bills, but I wouldn't bet he's planning on using it to set you both up in your own place. You can do better.

BerylStreep Tue 09-Apr-13 11:53:04

'We don't want the same things, which is fine, but I am a bit fed up paying all the bills when you don't really contribute. The trial living together is over, I'd like you to move out at the weekend please.'

Xales Tue 09-Apr-13 13:24:43

You are being taken for a ride no feel about it.

Midwife99 Tue 09-Apr-13 17:13:27

Second what Beryl says!!

'We don't want the same things, which is fine, but I am a bit fed up paying all the bills when you don't really contribute. The trial living together is over, I'd like you to move out at the weekend please.'

Third-ed that.

If he is like this now, imagine how he would be if you were committed and tied together through home ownership.

At least, you have given him a chance to save up a deposit for HIS OWN flat, through subsidizing his living. What a selfish prick.

Astelia Tue 09-Apr-13 18:26:34

He has shown his true colours OP. You have had a lucky escape.

Another vote for Beryl.

He's already overstayed and you've let him...so he's now taking the piss even more.

It's NOT your fault but he's just showing his true colours...he couldn't even wait a year to start taking the piss hmm Cheeky git.

ladyjadie Tue 09-Apr-13 18:39:08

What a dick, not even offering? Does he still think he's at mummy and daddies? Hmmph. Good luck tonight, prepare yourself for a tantrum though!

I really don't think you're going to get the response you'd like but it's worth a pop I suppose.

Good luck! thanks

Anniegetyourgun Tue 09-Apr-13 19:49:54

My son paid me more than that out of his JSA when he was unemployed. He insisted. And he does his own laundry and most of the cooking.

What Beryl said, with brass knobs on. He's also a bit of a bully if his response to "I thought we were saving" is "right then, I won't pay for anything you want to do". That's really petty and childish.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 09-Apr-13 19:51:15

"He" in the latter paragraph being the OP's cocklodger, of course, not DS2.

auntpetunia Tue 09-Apr-13 19:57:50

Take this time in work to draft him an invoice for food and bills for last 6 months with with a payment date of next week and clause that says if not paid please vacate the premises. He really is taking you for a ride.

I'm guessing he will offer (and not expect to be taken up on it) to pay full rent and bills for the last six months.

Take him up on it, he will act hurt and aggrieved, don't cave.

And he will move out citing the fact that 'you didn't love him enough' as the reason you broke up.

It's textbook.

akaWisey Tue 09-Apr-13 20:21:17

Good lord OP if the dates weren't out I'd say you had my former cocklodger!!!

Anyhoo, I said exactly what Beryl suggests and guess what? He went back to live with his DM and plans to be a lazy bastard her carer until he can get her house.

Don't give him any more time. He's proved he's not committed, he's another selfish predator and now know you can plan yourself a lovely holiday with the money you've been saving - without funding his sorry arse into the bargain.

coppertop Tue 09-Apr-13 20:22:49

He'll be weeping and wailing about how hard done by he is, throw in a few guilt-trip comments about his children, and then make a couple of vague promises.

almondfinger Tue 09-Apr-13 20:25:07

What Beryl and Laurie say

TweedWasSoLastYear Tue 09-Apr-13 21:12:56

Sounds like a charmer , Whats yours is mine, and whats mine is mine as well.
Third on what Beryl and Laurie say.
Back rent + bills + increased Council tax if you were the only adult previuosly on 1/4 discount
If your still unsure of his true colours get some forms from the bank for a joint deposit account , plus a direct debit mandate form.
Say breezily " I was going to put in £xxx , if you could put in £xxx plus £300 towards the costs of living at mine we will have a really good deposit in no time"
Leave a long pause , Do not fill the dead air . Wait , wait abit more. Then take a good look , as that will probably be the last time you see Le Lodger de Cock.

CerealMom Tue 09-Apr-13 21:31:32

Gennitikos enoikos

<Don'tShout - rusty (bad) Ancient Greek trumps Latin ;-)>

The > looks a bit like a dodgy chin goatee

DontSHOUTTTTTT Tue 09-Apr-13 21:34:40

CerealMum grin

expatinscotland Tue 09-Apr-13 21:36:33

Yes, he's taking the piss and cocklodging. Cocklodgers need enablers to be cocklodgers. Stop being his.

BerylStreep Tue 09-Apr-13 21:37:42

<preen> Never in the history of MN have so many people agreed with me. I shall cherish this moment.

OP, I hope you have a productive conversation this evening.

Squitten Tue 09-Apr-13 21:44:57

I would suggest that you would be incredibly foolish to tie yourself to this man in any way.

almondfinger Tue 09-Apr-13 21:59:04

I've just reread your original post and am curious, why did he and his exwife split up? If you don't mind me asking?

AnyFucker Tue 09-Apr-13 22:12:31

I agree with Beryl.

Midwife99 Tue 09-Apr-13 22:20:37

Everyone agrees with Beryl grin

One tiny detail - does he realise what the word "partner" means? Sharing - that kind of idea? Not taking the piss!

bestsonever Tue 09-Apr-13 22:34:59

Better check why you have passively ended up in this situation rather than sorting the rules of living together from the off, this could occur again in your life if you don't take more control over things.

DrinkFeckArseGirls Tue 09-Apr-13 23:04:21

He's actively avoiding the issue. His cock is well and truly lodged. hmm

Tortoiseontheeggshell Wed 10-Apr-13 07:00:58

I said he could come and live with me. He said in 4 months time, we could start looking into the finances etc to see what we could afford and what we needed to save etc. That was 6 months ago. So a few weeks ago I brought it up and he said he couldn't think about that until after our holiday.

Hang on, so you proposed an arrangement whereby he came and lived with you, and "four months later" the two of you were supposed to START looking into the finances. So even his original proposal was "I will live with you, and then a weirdly specific amount of time later I will start thinking about what happens next". Not, okay, let's live together and split costs and then in a few months assess if we want to go this route. But let's live together with you supporting me, and then we'll start thinking about things.

So from his point of view, what you're trying to do is enforce the "let's start thinking about finances" agenda - i.e., he isn't even at the start point yet. From your point of view, you two have already decided to save money for an exact goal. Which is way ahead.

From OUR point of view, even the initial arrangement was totally mad and unfair, let alone the subsequent events. Why the hell would anyone agree to "you move in and live with me and a few months later we'll start thinking about whether I should pay any money"? Cocklodger right from the start.

almondfinger Wed 10-Apr-13 19:14:16

OP, any news?

doubleshotespresso Thu 11-Apr-13 01:51:26

Think there are just 2ximmediate purchases you need to make I. The near future OP:

1. bin bags
2. These rices of a good locksmith

doubleshotespresso Thu 11-Apr-13 01:52:17

in the near future -apologies. !

Jux Thu 11-Apr-13 10:48:34

What Tortoise said!

Kick him out. You're wasting your time and money on this little shit.

doubleshotespresso Thu 11-Apr-13 15:05:20

My typing at nearly 2 in the morning clearly. Requires better checking, further apologies!

What I clearly meant was put all his belongings into bin bags and then when you have the ha and he again fails to commit money and mind to our agreed plan, call him a cab and put him and said bags in it.

Then call the locksmith and get all changed.

Yes he is taking you for a ride. You should maybe show him this thread?

Planetofthedrapes Thu 11-Apr-13 16:00:06

cockur lodger imnida!

....and thats how it sounds in Korean!

Longdistance Thu 11-Apr-13 16:15:02

I reckon he's been saving that deposit to move into his own place, and is gonna screw you over.
He's a devious cunt.
Pack his bags NOW!

BeCool Thu 11-Apr-13 16:23:54

Why on earth are you funding the life of a fully grown adult with a job? I think you really need to look at that NOW.

Then you need to have the "Cost of Living" chat with him. He needs to contribute £XXX per month to cover his cost of living. As his 'partner' you might not want to make a profit from him but neither should you make a loss. You could go down the paying 50% of every bill route - but I bet all the bills are in your name, and you would end up being a debt collector for 50% of the bills - not a role I would fancy or want or deserve.

I would calculate a month amount to cover all bill, council tax, rent element, food if you are paying for the - everything. And he pays this to you by Standing Order each month. it is called COST OF LIVING!

However it does very much sound like you have a cocklodger who has no intentions of buying a house with you, and is hugely enjoying his wonderful lifestyle - currently subsidised by YOU.

BerylStreep Thu 11-Apr-13 17:32:09

I wonder where the OP is.

StephaniePowers Thu 11-Apr-13 17:35:49

Even if you get him to sort out the finances with you

Don't buy a house with him. Just don't.

He hasn't got the self-respect to see that he is a functioning adult who is expecting you to pay for...everything.

Massive red flag for passive, obstructive and ultimately DULL partner-in-name-only.

StrangeGlue Thu 11-Apr-13 17:49:28

No no no. You haven't trialled living together if you haven't both contributed. He should be contributing 50% of everything not throwing you a few quid as a sweetener now and again.

It was a good idea to trial it as now you know it's not going to work so send him back to his folks.

Do not buy a house with anyone like this! You will be scrimping for his splurging forever and once he's spent his he'll spend yours.

Trial over. Verdict: failed. Off he goes!

ThreeWheelsGood Fri 12-Apr-13 01:03:40

Great replies here but please PLEASE do not ask him to contribute "rent" towards your mortgage. Legally speaking this will give him a share of the property, even 1/500th let's say, and he could get legal advice and you'll have to sell up if he moves on to release that equity (shudders)

Definitely ask him why he is taking the piss.

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