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End of relationship, don't know how to feel

(83 Posts)
Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 06:59:48

I'm sitting here totally numb yet devastated. My 3 yr relationship has just ended with him walking out the door. It's never been plain sailing, I've been the more submissive partner in this more than in previous relationships and I've often wondered if he truly loved me.

It all began today by me telling him some of how I felt and asking him if he truly loved me. His responses weren't what I thought they should be for example if he'd asked me that I would have said " yes of course why do you ask that" he did say he did but then said I'm not here just for sex or to get my dinner which seemed an odd response. Basically lots of things came out from me which resulted in him turning his back on me in bed and refusing to speak.

Now I don't feel I attacked him as such I just feel I can't speak about how I'm feeling without it ending like that or him saying its all about me. In the end I said how is it going to work if if you've made it so I can't mention my feelings without you accusing me of making it all about me? And he basically agreed and said he'd leave in the morning. This is not the first time simililar has happened I just feel its different this time and he won't be back.

I don't feel cherished by him and that's really all I was asking for. He's now gone back to his place given my key back. All this even after I apologised for having a go at him. When I did that he accused me of not being sorry but just trying to justify what I'd done. I can never win whatever I do.

He has a way of making me feel its all my fault even if I put a foot wrong and apologise. I did say some hurtful things like he's not interested in me or how I feel just in how me being upset makes him feel. He's never upset that I'm upset he just gets angry that I'm having a go at him. It's so frustrating

Basically I'm upset and will miss him badly as I do love him but I don't think it will work and I do believe he cares for himself more. How do I get through this? I feel guilty because his children were supposed to be staying at mine next weekend and they will be disappointed. I did say to him that he could still bring them so as not to let them down and he said no they,l be fine with their dad. He's made me feel I'm a really shit person who will never have a decent relationship and perhaps I won't maybe it is me with the problem

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 07:12:21

I actually don't know how I'm going to get over him. Even though this may have been one of the most difficult relationships I've had it's also one of the most passionate and I've really strong feelings for him

GirlWiththeLionHeart Mon 08-Apr-13 07:14:32

It didnt sound like much fun, op sad

Do you want him back? Seem like you could meet someone better matched. Especially if you didnt feel cherished.

LookingThroughTheFog Mon 08-Apr-13 07:15:14

Poor you, Brightly. Three years is a long, long time, and it will take a while for you to process it. Don't put a timetable on how you need to feel and when. Just take things slowly and steadily.

For what it's worth, with that sort of pattern, I don't think it was likely to be a happy long relationship either. You shouldn't be made to feel like a criminal for expressing your feelings. In an equal relationship, both of you should be allowed to express your views.

I hope you start feeling better soon, and that when you do, you find someone who's more respectful about how you feel, and who doesn't make you feel so rubbish for being human.

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 07:17:02

Maybe it's just me and I demand too much in a relationship. Sorry to keep posting but I've so many things spinning in my head and it helps to write them down. I had a 20 yr marriage which I left as we were more like friends but at least it was calm and steady. BF says it was like that because my ex was a pushover and BF isn't, true he was a lot more easy going

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 07:20:19

Thank you for replying I'm just crying all the time now. He did make me feel rubbish for expressing feelings all he needed to do was put his arms round me I've even told him this when we've tried to resolve problems in the past but no he always reacts this way. I just keep thinking its me and I was horrible ect ect and will never have a lasting relationship

VBisme Mon 08-Apr-13 07:24:51

He doesn't sound good for you, I know it must hurt now but give your self some time.

There are lovely guys out there who will make you feel loved and cherished.

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 07:29:47

I'm just too old to go this late fourties all my friends are married so I have no real social life. My life was him really as when we weren't working we were together. I don't think he will be back and actually even if he is when he cools down I don't think il be happy long term as I can't be myself. Why is it you can never find someone who you have a great physical attraction with and also a loving understanding relationship

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 07:44:23

I did explain to him that its not that I think he doesn't give
anything to the relationship but its more that I just need to feel HEARD sometimes even if what I'm saying isn't necessarily true from his perspective , you know women hormones and all that . But he just doesn't get it or doesn't want to. He would rather end it and walk away although in the past has always come back.

I just don't know what to think. Is it my fault?

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 08:08:08

I know I keep adding to this post but I'm just trying to process it all. Maybe I shouldn't have told him to leave but I only did that because he said he would be leaving in the morning. I got mad and thought if he can't be bothered to discuss things then why should he choose when to leave. I'm blaming myself big time now , bet he's not blaming himself at all though

GirlWiththeLionHeart Mon 08-Apr-13 08:12:06

Keep posting, op. it's good to get it all out.

It's not too late to meet someone lovely at all! Would you rather be with the wrong person and not happy? To be honest he sounded emotionally unavailable and quite unkind to you.

Maybe once the dust settled you will realise this. Have you any rl support?

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 08:20:22

No I don't want to be unhappy anymore. I feel so so sad that I couldn't make it work. Many things had built up in me just a little bit of understanding from him would have made all the difference. One small example is I always felt there was some sort of trade off if he did anything for me , like last night, fair enough he cooked tea as I'd been at work all weekend but before bed when I asked if he would make me a cup of tea before bed he said "yeh but you make them in the morning then". It's lie he feels he has to get something out of me in return,

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 08:21:36

It's things like that that have made me doubt how much he truly valued me

LemonDrizzled Mon 08-Apr-13 08:22:11

Well done OP you know in your heart he isn't the right man for you. You sound so scared of being on your own but being single is so much better than being with the wrong man! Read some of the "I'm so much happier on my own" threads on here, they are an inspiration!

If you were my friend I would be saying take your time, be kind to yourself and have little treats while you grieve for what will never be with this selfish man. Then pay attention to your own life and home and make them (it?) as lovely as as can be. You don't need anybody else you need to love yourself and who you are first. That sounds cheesy but I know it is true. Where is Bibi Blocksberg when we need her? Probably out enjoying her life away from a selfish man child!

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 08:33:32

LEMON can you explain what it is that makes you say he's selfish. I'm not disagreeing I just need it spelled out so I can hang on to it. I can't help thinking I'm to blame for some of it and this is just his way of reacting at first. Wrong I know x

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 08:36:15

It seems it annoyed him when I asked for reassurance that he loves me, well to me that doesn't seem right unless of course I was asking every couple of hours which i wasn't, so why was it a problem??

GirlWiththeLionHeart Mon 08-Apr-13 08:40:34

When I asked my dh if he loved me (after a low couple of weeks with newborn) he hugged me, kissed me and told me he did and then listed a few things he loves about me. That is how it should be for you. Instead he went off in a huff when you needed him and a little reaasurance.

He does sound very selfish to me too

LemonDrizzled Mon 08-Apr-13 08:43:08

"He's never upset that I'm upset he just gets angry that I'm having a go at him".

Let's start with this. A decent kind man would be concerned for you if you were upset and try to put things right. This one just wants you to shut up so normal service is resumed. If being angry doesn't work he will try a charm offensive next. In fact there is a probability you are feeling so confused because you are on the Mr Nice/Mr Nasty spin cycle. Over on the EA thread we call this Spaghetti Head Mess and it makes quite sensible capable women behave irrationally and shout and cry.

Ring any bells?

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 08:45:49

Yes that's would have been the natural reaction, to roll over in bed cuddle me and say yes of course he does. Thing is I think I did go off on one a bit when I didn't get the reaction I wanted and his response to me going off on one is initially to say "ok I'm not the right person for you then" which makes me worse. As I said its happened before, he normally comes back or rings me but nothing today. And anyway it's not right

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 08:49:06

LEMON you are right I know it I've known it for a long time. It's just so hard when they are not all bad and he's not a total ogre. It's just there's no understanding or compassion there is there?

LookingThroughTheFog Mon 08-Apr-13 08:51:48

Not answering for Lemon, but to my mind, refusing to even consider that you just need to be heard makes him sound selfish.

His need to be undisturbed outweighs your desire to express yourself.

It's odd; the more typical complaint I hear from women about men is that when women express something that's wrong, the men want to barrel in and fix things for them. So a rant gets you a lot of really helpful advice which you've already thought of and/or tried, and ends up winding you up more. (OK, for 'you' you can read 'me' there!). What is generally wanted is a space to sound off where I can get the emotion out so that I can get on with fixing the problem in my own way, while he nods sagely, agrees that whatever it is is a pain in the arse, and then makes me a cup of tea which he delivers with a hug. I get that this is somewhat prescriptive on my part, but I think it's often what people want; support, not advice.

It sounds to me that your person doesn't even want to give you any support. If it's something in your life, even if it directly effects him, he doesn't want to hear about it.

It makes me sad for you. Not in a condescending pity way, but the idea that you're emotions are just shut down; well, it makes me sad.

I just think partners aren't supposed to do that.

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 08:52:45

And would a kind decent man always have patience to be concerned and put things right? I just don't know anymore. Although even when I said sorry for getting at him and not expressing things well he was still hostile and accused me of not being sorry but just trying to justify myself. Does that sound screwed up to you?

LookingThroughTheFog Mon 08-Apr-13 08:55:48

Oops, sorry; the conversation moved on while I was typing.

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 08:56:07

LOOKING maybe I haven't explained it well. He does support in lots of things and just like you say it can do my head in because he offers solutions when I just need him to listen. It's when the problem is about my insecurity and or about his behaviour that It ends like this

LookingThroughTheFog Mon 08-Apr-13 08:57:07

accused me of not being sorry

That sounds really controlling. And quite manipulative. Sorry, I know you love this person, but that doesn't sound right at all.

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 08:59:37

I guess it did turn into me sounding like I was attacking him and the way he is in the relationship today and then it just escalated. Now I don't know what's right or wrong. In fact I was so emotional that I can't remember fully what was said

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 09:04:19

I was saying things like" how is this ever going to work if you've made it so I can't tell you my feelings about the relationship, because when I do you say it's all about me" I started questioning him about arrangements for weekend when his kids were coming but he doesn't really like me questioning about ex wife

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 09:11:44

I keep thinking I'm a horrible difficult person. He did do things for me but often I'd realize there would be something in it for him. Am I awful for thinking this? Perhaps I'm just paranoid and suspicious?

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 09:35:41

What if I've made a big mistake and went over the top? And he's had enough? It's just at the time some of his responses didn't seem right and he could have talked to me especially after I said sorry. Why am I feeling so rubbish and deserted I can't stop crying but just want to be strong

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 11:07:38

Am so sorry to keep harping on but I feel like I'm going mad. I have just found out he has changed my email and password on facebook account. It was closed but I could reopen to have a nose when I wanted to . Tried to get in it just now and it's saying I've got no account under that email. HELP. I'm not that bothered about FB but could he have linked his iPhone to my iPad and done this???

skaboy Mon 08-Apr-13 12:04:37

Sounds like he is trying to transfer his guilt onto you for not trying to work on the relationship. The best thing you can do now is probably ignore him for a bit and try and distract yourself. You could always make a new FB account? Maybe treat it like a new start?

AnyFucker Mon 08-Apr-13 12:11:46

If he has your login for FB he could close your account

It sounds to me you made him your whole life, which was a mistake to do for anyone let alone a cruel man who prides himself on being emotionally unavailable

I expect when he thinks you have suffered enough, he will be back to offer you a few more crumbs whilst unsubtly adding even more "rules" and boundaries you are not allowed to cross

You need to build up your defences high enough to tell him to go fuck himself when that happens

Look into some counselling to build your self sounds like you are very short of it

Look, he's a complete dickhead and you are better off without him.

However, you do sound a bit like you prioritize Having A Man over everything else and that you are desperate for a couple-relationship. Unfortunately, unless you can lose that mindset you will go from one dickhead to another, because nice men are put off by desperation where nasty ones are madly attracted to it.

You need to avoid dating for at least a year while you build up your self esteem and make a life for yourself that isn't about Finding Mr Right.

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 12:23:37

AF I believe you are right that is what has happened in the past. I am too soft with people in lots of ways. I give them the benefit of the doubt too much. We were really each others whole life apart from work and families we were together

This morning for once I was really angry at him and showed it and told him exactly how I saw things. My problem is I don't like confrontation or upsetting anyone and start to question myself afterwards

AnyFucker Mon 08-Apr-13 12:26:40

You weren't his "whole life", love

You are a convenient soft landing for him to pick up and put down according to his selfish whims

Is there any chance that you could make this the last time you allow that to happen ? Take some control back. He currently has it all...which places you in a very vulnerable position.

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 12:27:21

SOLID I definitely am not interested in finding anyone else in the near future I know I don't have to have a man. I have come out of a 20 yr marriage bought a property sorted myself out financially and have survived. However I did meet him when I was probably emotionally needy, not a good idea.

AnyFucker Mon 08-Apr-13 12:28:29

Then you can do it again, love

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 12:30:40

AF yes your probably right if he cared for me he wouldn't do this. I know I can survive without him or any man it's just I doubt myself a lot and think what if I've got him all wrong. That sounds stupid even as I type it

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 12:32:35

Does he sound cruel to you? I think he is at times then I see a nice side of him and think he's not so bad

AnyFucker Mon 08-Apr-13 12:33:51

I don't think you have him wrong, I think you have him right and you should trust your instincts

His behaviour and gaslighting of you is all the proof you need

He is also punishing you right now by not doing what he usually does which is to come back and offer you "another chance", thereby keeping you on the backfoot and likely to be even more grateful when he does reappear

AnyFucker Mon 08-Apr-13 12:35:28

Nice/nasty cycle, designed to keep you always striving to see that "niceness" again. The "niceness" is not real, it is an illusion he cannot maintain, although it has been very successful so far in keeping you hooked in and willing to overlook that he treats you like crap

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 12:36:27

Oh he's got a bloody degree in sulking and punishing I said as much to him this morning he didn't like that much.

AnyFucker Mon 08-Apr-13 12:36:48

Does this article ring any bells with you ?

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 12:38:41

I must admit I have felt his niceness has something not quite real about it. Which I think is why I wonder if he truly loves me because it seems at odds with some of the other things he does

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 12:46:39

He does all the nice things he should in the first section of the article so no problem there. However he did say he love me quickly, definitely controls me through his emotions,has a bit of a sense of entitlement, and has lunged towards my throat a few times when "playing" but never hurt me

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 14:02:56

Am I really that awful? Perhaps I do go too much? Why can't I just be nice

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 14:06:32

I think I did say Somme pretty unpleasant things and maybe he's had enough. This is he hing I swing from thinking one thing to thinking the total opposite and it usually comes down to me feeling at fault

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 14:52:05

Surely even if I'd had the worst hissy fit ever if he didn't want it to be over he didn't have to go. I'm going round and round in circles someone talk some sense to me please

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Mon 08-Apr-13 16:06:41

He lunges towards your throat when playing? eh? What exactly do you mean by that?

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 16:35:57

Not sure how to describe it really . It makes me feel like he might be trying to show whose dominant. He,l laugh and go to grab my throat but stop before he does but makes it into a joke iyswim

Oh FFS he's horrible. Honestly, he is. He's physically and emotionally abusive because he likes the idea of you upset and begging for another chance and trying to turn yourself into the perfect partner.

Do you have DC with him or share a house? Are you going to have to negotiate the separation of assets with him? If not, just tell him never to contact you again (unless you have to arrange to collect belongings or anything) and move on into a brighter future.

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 17:09:17

Thats what I don't understand he rarely starts things to upset me he just doesn't respond in a way that shows me understanding if I'm upset with him over something it always turns into him being defensive claiming I'm having a go at him. I never chase after him or beg I just won't no matter how I feel so I'm pretty sure he knows I won't get in touch first. So he can't be taking pleasure in that really

boyfromipinema Mon 08-Apr-13 17:09:49

I think at the moment you just need to try to calm yourself down a bit. You are very upset, which is understandable considering you've just broken up. and are probably not thinking things through rationally.
First things first, don't contact him at the moment. I feel the onus is on him to contact you as he must know how upset you are. If he does, then cross that bridge when you come to it. If he doesn't, then you have your answer with regards to how much he cares for you. You're mind will be all over the place at the moment, but you need to try to gain some control. Posting on here as you are doing will help you.

'When you're going through hell.....keep going' : Winston Churchill.

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 17:10:03

Btw there are no DC,s assists ect the house is mine

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 17:11:21

Thank you BOY it does help posting here getting it out of my system and considering all the replies

boyfromipinema Mon 08-Apr-13 17:14:21

I was in your shoes a couple of months ago....and our tales sound similar. I held firm and feel better now.
Have faith in yourself.

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 17:17:26

Were you. I am glad to hear you feel brighter now that's good. I hope I can be strong and move on if indeed he does contact me. If I have a relationship again it's got to be with someone who doesn't take everything personally and has a care for why I'm feeling the way I do

boyfromipinema Mon 08-Apr-13 17:23:48

I'm about the same age as you as well and had also been in a marriage for similar amount of time, which didn't cut me up as much when it ended as the recent relationship split.
Weird eh?

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 18:27:29

I understand what you mean . Same here, when my marriage ended it had been pretty devoid of emotion for quite a long time however this relationship has always been very charged with some emotion or another and I have felt in love

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 20:09:13

I am driving myself mad keep going over what was said and blaming myself. I am ashamed to say I now remember calling him "an unfeeling c..t". I can't believe I said that. Thing is I must be unhappy to be feeling unloved like this. Any hand holding welcome

AnyFucker Mon 08-Apr-13 20:21:34

Would you call someone who made you feel loved and safe "an unfeeling cunt" ?

No, you wouldn't.

Unless you make a habit of being a verbally abusive harpy (which I doubt) that comment is a measure of how much he has you wound up like a spring, having to use phrases like that to get him to pay you any attention

Brightlydoesit Mon 08-Apr-13 20:30:25

AF your comment about a verbally abusive harpy made me chuckle, for the first time today. Yes I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall and was very frustrated, how hard is it to reach out and hold someone your meant to love but maybe I'm expecting too much given that I was going on at him

Brightlydoesit Fri 12-Apr-13 20:52:45

Am really struggling tonight. Have been crying again a lot. Am just sitting in on my own and thinking. Please someone tell me this pain goes soon. Obviously I have heard nothing from him which to my mind shows how little he's really cares as he must know I'm terribly upset. But of course his anger at me takes precedence over anything I might feel.

I will not contact him as I know we are better off apart it's just so painful. Anybody any words of comfort please

The pain will go, and fairly soon. I promise you that as long as you stay out of contact with this ridiculous and thoroughly unpleasant man, you will rapidly reach a point where you kind of laugh at yourself in horror that you put up with him for as long as you did.
Honestly: you say you were in a bit of an unhappy, needy mindset when you met him. He liked that. It's what drew him to you. Men like him do not 'love' women, they enjoy hurting them because they actually hate them. And they have radar for a woman who is vulnerable, it's what attracts them, and they proceed to render the woman even more vulnerable, just like pulling the wings off flies.
He doesn't love you and he never did. He's not a nice man. And you will feel better soon, you really will.
Do you have any hobbies or particular interests you'd like to take up or get more involved with? That can help as it gives you something more interesting to think about than this tosspot.

Brightlydoesit Fri 12-Apr-13 21:25:22

I did laugh when you called him a ridiculous man because if I'm honest I have thought it during his antics when I was with him. I'm going to have to work hard to build a life for myself now. I was married for 20 yrs and busy bringing up a family, then soon after separating met him so I haven't done things on my own. My friends are all married and aside from work I don't really do anything as we used to spend our time together

I am joining a health club this weekend and plan on going there a few times a week. I have also arranged some counselling to help me not to make this mistake again. I just want to get over the hurt and the self doubt that I may have been to blame and driven him away

alicepicalo Sat 13-Apr-13 05:30:11

I was in a similar situation to you towards the end of last year with someone I'd been with 6 years.

I'm older than you so really didn't want to be partnerless at my advanced age, but thats how it is. And 5 months on I'm so glad hes not part of my life any more.

To start with, like you, I kept referencing everything to him. -wondering if I should have/not have done this or that or said this or that. Thinking I'm too old and difficult to ever find anyone to have another relationship with.

But now, although I still think of him, he's not constantly popping into my thoughts and i don't hope every text i get may be from him. He was a very special part of my life (for a while at least) and theres things about the relationship I miss, but actually not that much.

I got to this stage by blocking him out of my life completely - deleted him from my phone/email - threw away anything that reminded me of him/us - and no Facebook stalking or driving past his home /work/Mums house. It was difficult for a couple of months as I wanted him to know how i felt and get an apology or at least an acknowledgemnt from him that would somehow make it alright in my head - but that was never going to come and i realised that quite early on.

I also told friends/family that the relationship was over - just said it had fizzled out and we'd both moved on. Only shared the heartbreak with a couple of close girlfrinds who could be relied upon to confirm he was a tosser not good for me.

The most important thing I did was keep thinking how my life is going to be in a years time if i contact him and get him back for a while until the next time or let him go and build myself a new life. It was very clear that letting him go was going to be the best option, though initially the most difficult one.

I've joined a few group things - quite difficult as I'm not naturally that sociable, but have been glad I made the effort as its part of carving out a new life for myself. I'll try OD some time in the future, but at the moment I just want to be on my own and I'm realising being single is not something to dread. It okay, just different. My XDP was just a habit, and not a good one.

Be kind to yourself.

Brightlydoesit Sat 13-Apr-13 06:22:30

Alice thank you so much for your post smile you have understood so well how I'm feeling. I too keep thinking of my age and how I don't want to end up alone but on the other hand there's no way I'm rushing into dating or even thinking I have to have a man, I need time alone to process everything. That's the mistake I made when my my marriage ended.

Your right, I never realised how I keep referencing everything to him but I do don't I. It's because he made me feel I was responsible for his actions which in turn made me feel I was difficult to be with. I have to keep reminding myself there's nothing wrong with me.

You have truly given me hope that it will get better, I'm trying hard to detach. He's off my phone and I have got rid of a few things but not all yet. I can't bear to delete photos because at the moment it seems like I'm deleting part of my life, holiday pictures and things

The one thing I can't change is the health issues that I have. They are long term and although they fluctuate in severity will never go away. It does restrict me as I get fatigued. And unfortunately he was good at reminding me how he ' looked after' me and has had a lot to 'put up with' personally I don't think it's that bad not as though I was laid up for days or anything I just had to pace myself. Thing is he said enough to make me believe it will be difficult to find anyone else who will ' put up with it'

Brightlydoesit Sat 13-Apr-13 11:12:12

I realize there's probably nothing more anyone can say to help but it helps me to keep posting here. I am desperately trying to resist contacting him, I know it's not in my best interests to do so. I just want to feel better. I can't drag my mind away from him and the wishing it had worked.

Then I think of some of the things he's done and wonder why the hell I keep feeling like this

dondon33 Sat 13-Apr-13 11:34:46

Hey Brightly do keep posting if you feel it's helping you, get it all out.

I know we've spoken lots already but just wanted to add -
When the time's right and you choose to find a new partner then you'll know the red flags to look out for next time.
Guys who make an ill partner feel like a hindrance or make them feel 'lucky' to have someone to put up with them hmm are, I would think, in the minority. A normal caring and loving man, who is committed to a relationship with you, will embrace the whole you, whatever that entails.
Chin up honey and enjoy your swim this afternoon x

Brightlydoesit Sat 13-Apr-13 11:44:52

Hi Don

Thanks your right when I look back I sure will have learned a lot from this relationship and as you say the red flags to avoid.

I must get myself busy and try to take my mind off this. Hope you are ok x

Brightlydoesit Sun 14-Apr-13 02:11:34

I am awake again, seem unable to sleep more than 3 hrs and it all comes flooding back. Am missing him a lot and I know he's treated me badly so I shouldn't be. Any more words of wisdom / stark reminders of reality greatly appreciated

alicepicalo Sun 14-Apr-13 10:45:46

Hello Brightly

Have been wondering how you're getting on.

Okay, here's my words of wisdom:

Ask youself:

Do I want to still feel like this in a year (even in 3 months)? If the answer is "yes", then go ahead and contact him. He'll no doubt offer a few crumbs of niceness and you'll be back to square one. Remember, square one is a crap place to be. You were there at the begining of the week. You've moved on a little since then - even though you still feel awful - but moved on you have - stay 'moved on' - don't go backwards. Backwards will ensure you stay in an awful place.

Do something today - get yourself up and out of the house - go for a walk/swim/wander round the shops - meet/phone a friend - just don't sit around focussing on him and letting yourself wallow in victim mode. Don't waste anymore of your precious life on him.

As I metioned in my previous post to you << voice of experiennce emoticon>> I went through something similar to what you're going through a few months ago. I've just bought Your Best Year Yet! - really cheap off Amazon - to help me plan my year ahead, but I already know its gong to be much better than the last few years have been and want a bit of support to ensure its brilliant smile

Also I went on the OD site OKCupid and did one of their quizzes - I've not signed up because I don't want that yet, but they send me a daily email with profiles of a handful of guys. They're mainly tossers not my type, but the odd one looks remotely normal and its just nice to flick through and made me think that when I'm ready perhaps there might be someone nice out there for me, if I don't meet anyone via all these exciting things I'm going to be getting involved in during my brilliant year ahead grin.

So although I'm pretty sure I want another man in my life at some stage, and am happy to keep a look out for one, I know that this time around I'll see those red flags. Now (just a few months on from where you are now) things are are very much about me, me, me, not him, him, him.

Find your own way - but don't contact him.

Brightlydoesit Sun 14-Apr-13 13:47:43

Thanks for your reply Alice.

I have just been food shopping and am feeling really pleased as I have bought a trolley full of healthy food smile I plan on swimming 3 x a week also just to get out. Bad idea I know but he was always with me and we did everything together when we weren't at work so I have to start from scratch now

I might take a look at that book on amazon it sounds just what I need. I'm going to work on myself, create an interesting life before I let any man in again.

I know I won't contact him I'm far too proud to do that just wish he'd get out of my head. Just realised I haven't cried today though! So that's good

Can I be nosey and ask if you ended it or did he?

boyfromipinema Sun 14-Apr-13 17:01:45

I think you do need to treat the way you are feeling at the moment like a drug addict in rehab
Keep reminding yourself:
He is your crack and you need to kick the habit.
We are performing an intervention on your behalf.
Do not contact him again he's bad for you.
Do not contact him again he's bad for you.
Oh , did I say
Do not contact him again he is bad for you.

dondon33 Sun 14-Apr-13 18:14:54

A day with no tears is a good day Brightly and I like what you said above about working on yourself - it's a positive step.
Keep moving forward and looking to the future, baby steps. x

would do well to take my own advice smile

dondon33 Sun 14-Apr-13 18:17:43

Meant to add fab post Alice will also have to investigate that book.

Brightlydoesit Sun 14-Apr-13 18:41:46

You need to think in terms of sometimes it may seem like a step back but then it'l be two steps forward. X

dondon33 Sun 14-Apr-13 18:46:22

I'm hoping so smile

alicepicalo Sun 14-Apr-13 19:28:52

Brightly I don't mind you being nosey - he ended it, which never feels good at the time, but now that doesn't seem to matter at all. He did me a favour; so glad to be rid.

And so pleased you got out and about today, and healthy food and swimming = feeling good smile

Brightlydoesit Sun 14-Apr-13 20:31:09

Yes I'm feeling more positive today smile I realize I might have the odd slip backwards but it won't be the end of the world if I do. Also I have some wonderful support on here and that is really helping me get through

Brightlydoesit Mon 15-Apr-13 19:03:02

Help me please. I am feeling so down again tonight. I've no intention of contacting him but I'm increasingly hurt because its obvious he doesn't give a damn. After 3 1/2 yrs and everything I invested in this it ends like this sad

I don't think I could ever have won where he was concerned really and the thing is I bet he would say exactly the same about me. I'm just sad it had to end like that. I wished him well before he left and said I still care for you but he was really angry and silent. He just said see you around before leaving.

It's a week today since it happened and every argument previously we were in touch the next day. I think it's really sinking in now that its the end. I know it will get better but it's so painful at the moment.

alicepicalo Wed 17-Apr-13 20:18:19


Good, let it sink in that its the end.

Yes, its painful, but there are worse things. Get it in perspective.....all you've lost is someone who treated you badly.

Keep busy and make sure you go for those swims smile

Brightlydoesit Wed 17-Apr-13 20:37:14

I can't believe it!! Well actually now it's happened I can because its not the first time. He has rung me. He made out he was ringing to arrange to return my tv but it ended with him saying he wants the relationship. He said he just had to get out of the house last week because I had been going on for the best part of an hour at him and he had to get away.

Now he keeps texting. I said to him you can't expect to keep dipping in and out of a relationship when it gets tough and told him that every time he's done that it chips away a bit more at the relationship and fuels my insecurity.

Sad thing is I don't think he really has a clue what I mean

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