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Last train to Loserville Part 2

(1000 Posts)
LoserNoMore Sun 07-Apr-13 21:55:44

After the overwhelming support I've received on my thread I had to start another. Well I didn't have to but I have found all the advice so helpful that even if I only receive one more piece it will help.

I'll try and post the link to the full sorry story. Never linked on my phone before so it may not work.

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1722750-This-doesnt-look-good-does-it?pg=40&order=

imtheonlyone Sun 07-Apr-13 21:59:53

Welcome to your new thread and new name gringrin
I don't want this to sound awful but I am addicted to reading your thread!! Your Loser of a H never fails to amaze me and neither does the way in which you are dealing with everything.

Keep going - you're amazing!

bountyicecream Sun 07-Apr-13 21:59:58

Loving the new name wink

AnyFucker Sun 07-Apr-13 22:00:47
Arcadia Sun 07-Apr-13 22:01:18

No advice but you are inspiring! Cheering you on, yay you! smile

Cuddlydragon Sun 07-Apr-13 22:02:45

Love the new name!

NotMostPeople Sun 07-Apr-13 22:03:03

I've been following your thread from the begining and am in awe of how amazingly you've handled a horrible situation. Even DH who normally filters out any talk of MN asked how you were getting on. Keep strong and keep posting.

TimidLivid Sun 07-Apr-13 22:03:48

Also addicted to ur kick ass attitude and how you have risen above it all

PoppadomPreach Sun 07-Apr-13 22:04:12

I keep thinking of the proclaimers.....

Lochaber no more
Loser no more

Good song, good name change

ShootingStarsss Sun 07-Apr-13 22:04:35

Your doing amazing.
Love your new name and thread title smile

kinkyfuckery Sun 07-Apr-13 22:06:33

Love the new name.

So, what's the plan for this week then OP?

madonnawhore Sun 07-Apr-13 22:07:44

I've been following your other thread too. And I really think it should be preserved on mumsnet forever as a textbook example to others of how to handle yourself with total class and dignity in the event of finding out your husband is a spineless piece of shit.

When all of this is over and the dust has settled, you're going to look back on how you've conducted yourself throughout this whole ordeal and feel so proud.

At least, I hope you do. It's such a breath of fresh air to see a woman who truly knows the value of her own self worth. And act on that knowledge accordingly.

Keep going, we're all right behind you cheering you on and having girl crushes on you a little bit.

DharmaBums Sun 07-Apr-13 22:08:38

Was also following your previous thread and need to post that I too think you're an amazing, courageous woman! You're an inspiration to many of us that have/are going through similar issues. You sound like you've brought up some wonderful DC's too, so all credit to you.
Keep on being strong OP!

forgetmenots Sun 07-Apr-13 22:09:53

Agree with everything madonnawhore said - well done LNM smile

LoserNoMore Sun 07-Apr-13 22:12:28

Thanks Anyfucker. I knew it would fail.

You lot have made me blush! Poppadom, I keep getting that song in my head too! It wasn't intentional, I promise. grin

WildThong Sun 07-Apr-13 22:14:51

I'm following you too. Hugs and strength to you!

CajaDeLaMemoria Sun 07-Apr-13 22:17:05

I love the new thread and name smile

LoserNoMore Sun 07-Apr-13 22:17:11

Kinky, no real plans. Back to work on Wednesday sad don't want to but needs must. Hoping dd3 is crusting over ( the spots that is) then can get out and about again.

tightfortime Sun 07-Apr-13 22:18:03

I was watching the other thread and replied on there but delighted to see you start a new thread as you are an inspiration and lesson giver in 'not settling for his crap' for other mumsnetters out there in that same awful situation.

Bravo.

KatyTheCleaningLady Sun 07-Apr-13 22:19:04

I wish you all the best luck in the world. Your husband has lost someone precious and wonderful.

sleeton Sun 07-Apr-13 22:21:41

I am glad that you have started a new thread LoserNoMore and very very glad that you continue to cope. You inspire with your strength and dignity.

You're a star!

Inertia Sun 07-Apr-13 22:21:53

Love the name change!

BriansBrain Sun 07-Apr-13 22:28:22

Brilliant name change and so glad you are so positive if not drained because of his inability to comprehend the fact he is a dick.

Good name change!

TwinkleSparkleBling Sun 07-Apr-13 22:33:06

Just wanted to add my thinking of you too.

Some men are complete tossers, aren't they?

Not cherishing an amazing woman. He is most definitely the loser.

captainbarnacle Sun 07-Apr-13 22:37:27

I too am addicted to your thread - cannot believe after ignoring you for the crucial first two days, he now thinks that there is an 'us' to discuss on Wednesday! Deluded dickweed.

Your girls are so lucky to have such a brilliant role model for a mum x

Pan Sun 07-Apr-13 22:39:05

Been lurking since the v start. Good name-change. Agreeing with all the sentiments.

CabbageLeaves Sun 07-Apr-13 22:39:48

Work will be fine once you're there I'm dreading work tomorrow

I'm still angry at the thought that he thinks he can expect to talk about you when he was texting a woman to get her boobs out for him a matter of days ago. It's so entitled.

CabbageLeaves Sun 07-Apr-13 22:41:08

Not sure quite why I'm so angry on your behalf grin maybe astonished best describes it Its just a bizarre mindset.

emsibub Sun 07-Apr-13 22:46:03

You really are an inspiration. Your strength, wow. Think in your shoes I would like to think I react the same but there would be a lot more wallowing! Personally I wouldn't of being able to resist the meet up if only to tell him what he has done to you. OP I wish you all the best! X

LoserNoMore Sun 07-Apr-13 22:48:37

I'm angry too, and astonished, infact I'm a heap of different emotions. He is definitely clinging on for dear life. He is getting angry too, I can tell by his texts. He really must have expected me to have forgiven him by now.

skyebluesapphire Sun 07-Apr-13 23:04:46

Poppadom - thanks for that, cant get the bloody song out of my head now grin

glad you have started another thread. I think you will need the support if you waver. and the support is here, no matter which way your life goes from now.

The anger will be at himself for being such a twat, but of course he will have to take it out on you instead.

You are doing so well. People keep saying it, but you really are

ladymariner Sun 07-Apr-13 23:08:48

Glad to have found your new thread, I too am totally inspired by your courage and dignity.

Walkacrossthesand Sun 07-Apr-13 23:12:24

'There is no us' - fantastic.

Pan Sun 07-Apr-13 23:15:08

It goes with the v useful " No IS a complete sentence."

cjel Sun 07-Apr-13 23:18:17

Glad i found you . didn't know where to look. Hope you have a good night.x

ladyjadie Sun 07-Apr-13 23:18:26

He really must have expected me to have forgiven him by now.

His head is so far up his own ass it would be laughable, if he hadn't caused you so much needless pain. You have been heroic in the face of all this, as expressed by, oh, everyone who has been following your story. Him? Worthless coward. You are well rid. You already have a p*ssy, you don't need another one hanging around!

Chucksteak Sun 07-Apr-13 23:30:47

Great name change - some men just like to press that big red "Self Destruct" button thinking with their dicks.

You sound like an incredible woman - kudos to you.

Look out for pathetic letters and presents next week when he tries to "win" you back! grin

DragonMamma Sun 07-Apr-13 23:30:53

Great name...very apt! Going to catch up with the old one now. See what other fantasies he's mustered up today.

DragonMamma Sun 07-Apr-13 23:35:20

Caught up...he's absolutely mad. Discuss 'us'?! What planet is he living on - it's scary that he thinks there's a way to come back from this when you've clearly told him to fuck the fuck off.

willyoulistentome Sun 07-Apr-13 23:39:02

I'm keeping an eye on you too, and wishing you all the very best. Good luck.

LoserNoMore Sun 07-Apr-13 23:51:06

I don't know this person at all. This person who only a week ago was telling me how much he loved me. It's all been a sham.

That's the thing that is so confusing too. Has he done this before, has he been doing it for years? Makes me feel sick.

piratecat Sun 07-Apr-13 23:53:04

the overpowering amounts of aftershave aren't helping his brain cell either.

been following your thread LNM, and just wanted to add that i think you're doing amazingly. Hope you get some rest tonight.x

candodad Mon 08-Apr-13 00:03:02

He clearly doesn't see what he has done is so bad. Been lurking for a while reading the thread and it strikes me that even his friends must have known about this since it was one of them that picked him up that night (if I remember rightly) I mention this because you said that a friend of yours pm you in FB claiming to have only just found out.

He's a dick and the only thing he is sorry about is being caught.

Just popping in to say hello again.

smile

LoserNoMore Mon 08-Apr-13 00:15:33

Hi cjel, juniper, dragonmamma. Ahh hate not mentioning everyone, my laptop has died and I'm on my phone trying to scroll. I was playing balloon tennis with the girls and accidentally kicked my laptop across the room earlier tonight. Numpty!

I've had 2 glasses of phone and feel totally relaxed. I'll sleep we'll tonight despite the lack of tramp bouncing.

candodad Mon 08-Apr-13 00:38:20

If you have a phone that takes apps try the MN app. I find it easier than the forum board. grin

LoserNoMore Mon 08-Apr-13 00:42:49

Thanks candodad, I'll try that smile

Areyoumadorisitme Mon 08-Apr-13 00:53:26

I hope the glasses of phone were good gringrin

Great to see you've started another thread, I continue to think you're doing brilliantly. Keep it up smile

Beckamaw Mon 08-Apr-13 00:54:14

2 glasses of phone and tramp bouncing! grin
Glad to find your new thread lady.
He's a right twat, isn't he?

I know it's easy to tie yourself in knots wondering what he has done before and whether you should have seen signs.
As a decent and dignified human being, you had no expectation of him being anything other. Now you've found out that this is not quite the case.
His loss. He will regret this for his entire life. You, however, will repair and flourish.

LoserNoMore Mon 08-Apr-13 01:15:12

So looks like I have to keep my phone switched off to sleep at night. Someone's drunk and keeps calling. I'm aware you're all probably in the land of nod, lucky people. Such a selfish man.

CautionaryWhale Mon 08-Apr-13 01:25:22

Hello LV

I am awake my lovely. Unplug your home phone and switch your mobile off. That'll learn him!! Seriously he still thinks he can do the sob story. No way Jose! You are supposed to forgive him one week later.
Really?
Try not to respond at all - if drunk and emotional he will try to manipulate. If drunk and angry he will be a prick and blame you when you are blameless.

thanks brew

CautionaryWhale Mon 08-Apr-13 01:26:17

Sorry That should of course be LNM! smile

CautionaryWhale Mon 08-Apr-13 01:27:30

Oh and by the way... Loserville? Population:him. grin

LoserNoMore Mon 08-Apr-13 01:34:49

I answered his last call to tell him to fuck off. He said 'I'm coming over, leave the door open'. Ffs. Yes, a drunken arsehole is all I need on my doorstep at 1.35am

aahhhh LNM, you defo don't need this.

would you be comfortable phoning police if he arrives at the door?

thistlelicker Mon 08-Apr-13 01:44:58

If he turns up phone police. Harassing a woman at this time of night is not on. Another here who been supporting u from side lines!! Go team lnm!!

thekidsrule Mon 08-Apr-13 01:56:21

please dont let him round op it will not end well i suspect

take care

Hope you're OK, LNM, and the threat to come round was nothing more than drunken hot air.

As others have said, call the police if he does start causing trouble. He needs to realise that you can't be walked over at his whim.

Still thinking of you often. Keep strong. X

piratecat Mon 08-Apr-13 02:07:27

i can't sleep. hoping he didn't come round. hope you are ok?

kickassangel Mon 08-Apr-13 02:23:00

At this stage I would call the police if he turns up. It's a very controlling and bullying tactic to thi k he can just invade your space like that when you have made it clear you don't want him.

woopsidaisy Mon 08-Apr-13 04:55:38

Silly phone froze on me earlier!

LNM I really hope you are asleep and that MrLoser sodded off to bed. Surely he wouldn't want to wake the girls?!?
He spends an awful lot of time in the pub!

Crazycake Mon 08-Apr-13 05:51:42

Stay strong LNM, you are doing incredibly well and we're all rooting for you thanks

AThingInYourLife Mon 08-Apr-13 06:28:13

I hope he didn't show up in the middle of the night.

God he really has no class at all.

StuffezLaBouche Mon 08-Apr-13 06:58:55

Oh no! Just read the new thread - if his texts were angry-sounding before he threatened to come around, I really hope he saw sense and didn't try to. The selfish wanker.

beachyhead Mon 08-Apr-13 06:59:16

Hope you had a good nights sleep with no further interruptions. Well done LNM, you are so strong.

Tortoiseontheeggshell Mon 08-Apr-13 07:03:52

LNM, I read your last thread but didn't post. I am not at all surprised - and yet cannot believe - his current behaviour. If he was following a script entitled How To Fuck Up Your Entire Life In 10 Easy Steps, he couldn't be more efficient than he currently is.

I'm glad, really. I hope you got some sleep, but I'm glad he's making it so very clear that he's a fuckwit.

Fluffycloudland77 Mon 08-Apr-13 07:30:51

You don't have to take abusive calls and texts, it is illegal.

The police could offer him "words of advice" if you reported it. Like, stop being a twat or we will arrest you and you'll get cautioned.

tumbletumble Mon 08-Apr-13 07:38:13

Are you OK? Did he come over?

comingintomyown Mon 08-Apr-13 07:38:17

Hi there

I have been reading your story and think you are handling all this with real dignity , its the hardest thing to do when someone you love has broken your heart.

It sounds like you are clear in your mind at what you want to do and I expect all the inevitable entreaties from him will fall on deaf ears and will serve to make him look pathetic.

Keep strong and be prepared for him to go from begging to abusing and back again as he sees he cant just skip his way out of his actions.

dawntigga Mon 08-Apr-13 07:47:11

On a more practical note, not sure anyone has mentioned this and I hate to but, get yourself tested for std's sooner rather than later. I KNOW it's early but these things are best caught asap.

Also, when is your solicitor appointment?

ThinkingOfYouTiggaxx

BumbleBee2011 Mon 08-Apr-13 07:49:35

Hi LNM - glad you started a new thread with a fab new name.

Really hope he didn't show up last night and hope you and your girls are OK this morning. Can't believe his behaviour, definitely agree with calling the police if he does this.

lunar1 Mon 08-Apr-13 08:01:01

Hope he didn't come round last night

Hey LNM. Been following your thread. Hope he didn't turn up last night. You are doing so well he doesn't realise how lucky he was!

Thewhingingdefective Mon 08-Apr-13 08:24:08

Another that quietly admired your amazing dignity from the sidelines on the old thread.

Good for you, LNM. You are handling things beautifully.

I hope he did not come and kick off, drunk! shock

If so, I hope you called the police.

morning smile

'leave the door open' sounds like a bloody booty call - maybe he got his phone numbers mixed up again.

i think now would be a good time to send an email saying following your continued drunken calls and texts in the night please note i am now only prepared to communicate by email and only to discuss the dd's. here is my suggested schedule for contact with the girls..... please confirm whether this is acceptable to you as i would like to be able to reassure them that they will be seeing their father regularly and they need the security of knowing how things are going to be. i will not be answering your calls and will be deleting texts without reading them from now on so please respond by email.

that sort of thing.

and then never answer the phone or read a text again - or even if you can't resist reading the texts you don't have to respond as he'll just think you're deleting them.

he truly is an arse.

Hope you are ok LNM?

imtheonlyone Mon 08-Apr-13 08:45:57

Oh bloody hell!! He doesn't give up does he? Really really hope you're ok LNM and that he didn't turn up drunk on your doorstep! Agree with the email stating how things are going to be, contact only via email to discuss girls and no calls, texts or turning up randomly on doorsteps!
Really worried about you now and I've got to go to work! Gonna be thinking about you all day!

woopsidaisy Mon 08-Apr-13 08:46:33

Oh, I really hope all is ok, LNM!
sad

DharmaBums Mon 08-Apr-13 08:52:37

Hope all is ok Op and the twat didn't turn up. You needed a good nights sleep FFS! Let us know how you are. You're in so many people's thoughts today. Xxx

smokinaces Mon 08-Apr-13 08:52:58

Hope everything is ok lnm, and he left you alone last night

BalloonSlayer Mon 08-Apr-13 09:10:14

Hi LNM

Hope things were OK last night.

I was thinking about your H hmm and came to the hypothesis that all or most of his actions might have stemmed from advice from - or copying the behaviour of - "the lads," at work, and latterly in the pub.

The infidelity itself, conducted while at work, arranged while someone else was driving - "Go on mate, fill yer boots. We all do it, she'll never find out! I'll cover for you."

The ignoring for days "Just disappear. That'll really scare her. She'll think you're not coming back. Worked with my missus."

The crappy 'apology' - "All you have to do mate is tell her how sorry you are. She'll welcome you back with open arms. They always do. She loves you, don't she?"

The wine and DVD - "A box of chocs and a bunch of flowers and she'll be all yours again, don't you worry my son. Women are simple creatures."

Not working out as he planned? - "I can't believe she won't forgive you? But all men play away! What sort of woman did you marry mate? Jesus, you don't half pick 'em!"

Last night - "You've been away a week. She'll be gagging for it by now. Gagging for it. Go on, give her a ring. You'll be in there. Sorted."

bluestar2 Mon 08-Apr-13 09:21:06

Balloonslayer - I can visualize those conversations. You may be onto something as surely no one can be as thickskinned as he has been without some form of encouragement.

Lnm- Hope your ok and he didn't turn up. I think it would be fair to conduct all contact in writing via email now. I can't believe what little thought he has shown for his children in all of this. I mean trying to turn up at that time. So angry for you.

Hope you're okay and he didn't turn up. He was probably relying on you leaving the door open because of you not wanting to cause a scene/wake the neighbours/wake the children, etc.

His absolute sense of entitlement, and his self-centred nature are shocking. I mentioned it on the previous thread about his mates enforcing/supporting the culture of entitlement that leads to them shagging around. For reasons I won't go into on this thread, I have quite a good understanding of men who cheat, and it is rarely a one-time thing. I seriously doubt this was his first fling. Men such as him take any opportunity when it presents itself. Sadly, in some geographical areas/workplaces, such a culture is so endemic that just about everybody has had sex with someone other than their partner. (sometimes I wish I didn't know these things!)

The culture of infidelity/entitlement may also mean that he is genuinely suprised that you aren't jumping through hoops to get him back. So there is a reason for his behaviour, that does not, however, excuse that behaviour.

MTBMummy Mon 08-Apr-13 09:36:11

Love the name change, I think it's perfect

I hope he didn't bother turning up last night, and thet you and the girls are ok

saffronwblue Mon 08-Apr-13 09:52:15

Hope all is OK. I love the name change - I was going to suggest pelvic floor of steel.

Notice how the stronger you are, the weaker and more hopeless he is?

Vicky2011 Mon 08-Apr-13 09:52:46

Hope you're ok LNM

Jux Mon 08-Apr-13 10:15:24

Hey there, my lovely. You OK?

Morning Losernomore. Did he actually come over? I do hope not, though I suspect he did. Hope you are ok.

NotSoNervous Mon 08-Apr-13 10:28:28

I hope he didn't come over OP

Your doing so well just stay strong

ChickenNoodleSoup Mon 08-Apr-13 10:50:19

Hello LNM , I just joined MN just to tell you that I wish I had had your strength, determination and courage when my lying, cheating, fucktard of a XH pulled the same stunt on me years ago.

Chapeau!

LoserNoMore Mon 08-Apr-13 11:13:58

Morning, my broadband has been down so couldn't come on. Thanks for your concern. He didn't turn up. I've exchanged a few texts with him this morning basically telling him if he pulls any stunts like that again I'll take things further as its harassment. He apologised and started with the self pity again. How he is struggling to cope and can't get his head round it. I told him it wasn't exactly a walk in the park for me either but he needs to get a grip and face it, it's over. The sooner he does that the better.

50shadesofknackered Mon 08-Apr-13 11:30:30

Definitely a better name. You are doing so well and you have been so strong, your girls are lucky to have you. Your husband is a knob who hopefully is suffering and realises what a knob he's been.

DeskPlanner Mon 08-Apr-13 11:30:53

Well done. Your so strong.

Another one cheering you on.
Well done on your response.
Other than that 'YOU GO GIRL'!!!!

getthegirladrink Mon 08-Apr-13 11:41:52

Glad you're ok this morning LNM, and total props to you smile x

yeah it's so hard for him to get through this solo without having to care for dd's one of whom has chicken pox so you can't even get out of the hosue. oh yes, terribly hard for HIM isn't it??? hmm

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 08-Apr-13 11:48:46

Blimey - its still all me me me me with him isn't it?

He is so thick and self centred hmm

lazarusb Mon 08-Apr-13 11:55:25

My heart is bleeding for him....fuckwit! angry
I think he is the king of compartmentalising - her in one box 'just sex' - you in another 'all that is good about me (I've just realised!)' and sadly, your dds in another...I'd be very tempted to offer to conduct discussion via e-mail or via solicitor. See how he gets his head around that!

Take care of yourself, you are a woman to be admired smile

Jux Mon 08-Apr-13 11:56:48

Well done, LNM (great name, btw). Ignore his emotional issues, stick to the factual, for the moment. It's still very early days and you don't want to get sucked in. His emotions, he has to deal with them but you don't.

You really are doing brilliantly.

candodad Mon 08-Apr-13 12:02:30

Just remembered from reading other messages. About 15/20 years back my brother and BIL used to work away every week die to the job they did. There own agreed culture was what goes on away stays away and it was found out about. Both my sister and SIL kept them knowing this was happening due to kids involved. My brother just upped and left her one day which was best for both of them as they hadn't been happy really.

Worse was my BIL and sister, they kept at it and he changed his job, promised to change etc. the with the advent of the Internet it was easy for him and he was off again. She still forgave him but they were all unhappy. When his youngest kids turned 18 he buggered off the next day clearing out the bank accounts. Turned out he had only been staying with her to avoid maintenance.

Well done for being strong.

LoserNoMore Mon 08-Apr-13 12:02:45

He has no idea how hard it's been for us or just doesn't seem to care. Being housebound for days, telling the dd's, and just the whole sadness. For him he's been swaning about like the injured party, going to the pub, probably having a shag in between. He's acting like I'm the one who cheated.

smokinaces Mon 08-Apr-13 12:07:06

Because he no longer has everything. He was probably bragging - perfect wife at home, kids, everything, as well as the bit on the side, having his cake and eating it. And now he looks like the twat that he is. He's trying to save face, being nice isn't helping so he's trying emotional blackmail. He underestimated you that's for sure.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Mon 08-Apr-13 12:17:34

what an absolute selfish prick he is! Its all HIM. What HE wants, how HE feels. Dickhead.

Pity party for 1, all aboard the last train to loserville. Twunt ex first class ticket. grin

LNM he doesnt care, he is so self obsessed. The only thing that matters to him now is that he got caught!

Im also pretty sure his work mates and friends knew about this. Hope they think he is a dick too. Because he is. He has lost all his girls, and through nobodies fault but his own.

You are doing so well.

BalloonSlayer Mon 08-Apr-13 12:18:03

"He has no idea how hard it's been for us or just doesn't seem to care."

- because he thinks that your difficulties have been self-inflicted. If you'd just overlooked his teensy weensy insignificant mistake ("Whoops! I let my cock out of my sight for just a second and look where it went! Could happen to anyone!") like any normal wife, then he'd have been home helping out and everything would have been fine for you.

As others have said, keep being the broken record - You have ruined everything, you were unfaithful, you have broken our marriage because of your cheating, repeat ad nauseum.

He just can't see himself as the bad guy. TBH it is hard for anyone to see themselves as the bad guy, but actually if you shag someone else then um well yup, you ARE a bad guy.

LoserNoMore Mon 08-Apr-13 12:23:07

grin at letting his cock out of sight!

I feel terrible today, have horrible pmt and feel nauseous . Think those 2 glasses of wine were a bad idea.

he is going to keep resisting accepting it because when he accepts it he has a lot of sorting to do. his sister is presumably not going to want him permanently living with her even if he is manchild enough to want it. he will need to find somewhere to live, cough up a deposit, get furnished, etc. this man will have to actually make himself a home and run it including doing all of the mundane stuff that makes that happen on a daily basis. then he'll have the shock of looking after 3 girls solo for a weekend at a time and the work that actually goes into that.

he will be putting off accepting it because of the reality of what comes once he does.

he's about to hit the real world for the first time in 12 years and it may come as quite a shock to him how much responsibility and work is involved in living in the real world.

repeat ad nauseum - i am not willing to live with a man who shags about behind mine and his children's backs. you are not who i thought you were and there is no way on earth i would be with you now i know this about you.

it is over - i wouldn't touch you with a barge pole.

dondon33 Mon 08-Apr-13 12:31:56

LNM fab name change, I've followed your 1st thread and just want to add - You're FAB!! your Dc are lucky to have such a strong inspirational mummy.
As for him, he deserves all he gets and more. He should get a first class ticket for the train to Loserville, I hope he'll be very happy there ;) smile

I wish you and Dc the very best in the future without this pathetic excuse for a H and father.
Take care x

LovesPeace Mon 08-Apr-13 12:41:45

Been lurking - and I think you're amazing, LNM!

tummyfull Mon 08-Apr-13 12:45:15

Hi LNM, One of those that have been reading your threads. I admire your dignity and resolve. What a great mum you are to your 3 little ones. Glad you named changed and came back with a new thread.

magimedi Mon 08-Apr-13 13:21:59

I've just finished reading your first thread & now this one.

You are a strong & dignified woman & your children are really blessed to have you as a mother.

I am filled with admiration by the way you have behaved at such a horrible time. May this be the worst bit for you & may there be much joy for you in the future.

tightfortime Mon 08-Apr-13 13:38:51

God it really is sinking in for him now - and yet it's still all about 'him'.

Reality bites hard you twunt.

LNM, well done for telling him get lost. Now, paracetamol or ibuprofen handy? Mind yourself

GaryBuseysTeeth Mon 08-Apr-13 13:49:10

Fucking diddums for him, what a knobjockey.

Glad you've name-changed &, PMT/hangover aside, you're coping wonderfully.

LNM You are indeed a woman to be admired as an earlier poster remarked. Sorry you are feeling a bit shit today thanks

You are amazing! He is a knob jockey of the highest order.

I'm absolutely awed by your dignity in this situation. What a selfish prick he is, has he bothered to ask after his children? How they are coping? selfish selfish man. He should be ashamed, not least for cheating, also for major fuckwittery after he got caught! Your well shot of him.

LittleEsme Mon 08-Apr-13 14:54:24

Hot water bottle for your belly, OP.

Some spot-on analysis here and I can only add that it sounds like his indignation and anger at you not allowing him back in may show that he is deep in a culture of shagging around. He just doesn't seem remorseful enough. Or ashamed enough. Is this acceptable amongst of his circle of friends? confused

I grew up in a village surrounded by a group of girls and lads who were like this. Lads married the girls but many if us knew what they were like sad. These boys became men who couldn't be trusted. Even, and I speak from bitter experience, on the night that one of them were out wetting their new baby's head. Dirty bastard. And they all cover for one another. I lost a group of friends by trying to tell them. They chose to believe their men sad

I'm so proud of you OP.

LoserNoMore Mon 08-Apr-13 15:03:10

I really didn't think it was acceptable amongst his friends. They are all decent genuine guys who I'd have thought wouldn't cheat. Maybe they're all leading double lives. Who the fuck knows anymore? Don't think I'll trust another person in my life. I'll be disgusted if this was common knowledge amongst his friends. They are meant to be my friends too sad Male solidarity my arse.

PyroclasticFlo Mon 08-Apr-13 15:21:54

Hi LNM am another one who's been following your thread from the beginning, am de-lurking to congratulate you on your great name change and new thread! I am totally in awe of you and how amazingly you've kept your dignity through what must have been a truly, truly godawful time. You are a strong woman and a great mum. You rock! grin

AndTheBandPlayedOn Mon 08-Apr-13 15:22:41

I agree with the others upthread that suggested that your stupid fool of a husband is probably being coached by his mates. I mean, he is exponentially stupid as these blokes probably talked him into infidelity in the first place-dared him...and now he is relying on them to resolve the fallout. Unbelievable. So completely narrow minded.

I also agree with the others that have said he is still "me, me, me-me-me-me, with the result that you and your dds, essentially, are (still) invisible to him. I am sorry, that must hurt worse on the one hand; but on the other hand it must, I'd like to think, give you more power of reasoning to reinforce your position.

So he doesn't want to accept that it's over? Like someone would fall down like IgglePiggle and say "ok it's not over-just because you said so"?

Imho, you can not make him accept it. That is totally on him, whether or not he accepts it, if ever. Not your problem, it's his problem. If he does make it a problem for you, then please don't hesitate to get the police involved. For this reason, just in case, it is important to keep a record of his contact with you. The 1:30am entry is the sort of thing the authorities will be interested in and if you don't keep a record of it, they won't be able to do anything. You don't have to think about it, just as a secretarial duty, file-file-file: texts, journal phone conversations and in person meetings, emails. Be vigilant.

I hope your dd is better re the cp. Your friends sound so wonderful, I'm happy jealous that you have dependable rl support. brew ((Take care))

AllThatGlistens Mon 08-Apr-13 15:27:43

You are doing so well, LNM, you truly are.

Followed this from the start and have been in awe of your dignity and strength throughout it all.

Unfortunately for him, the scales will soon begin to fall from everyone's eyes regarding his behaviour, it generally becomes very clear very quickly who's been the bastard in these situations!

Keep your head held high, we're all here for you flowers

LittleEsme Mon 08-Apr-13 15:44:18

LNM sorry if what I said sounded glib and bleak. So much has changed in such little time - it's no surprise that, despite your amazing resolve, you're absolutely reeling from this.

It will take time to heal and recover. It will take time to trust again, but trust you will one day because there are good men out there, someone who can equal your integrity and goodness.

But first, you must grieve and survive this sorry mess your excuse of a husband has left you in. That will take time.

LoserNoMore Mon 08-Apr-13 16:06:56

It's ok LittleEsme, it is bleak.

The chicken pox are just about all scabbed over so should hopefully get out for the day tomorrow.

Jux Mon 08-Apr-13 16:25:26

Good news; some fresh air and getting out a bit will beighten you all up. Hope the weather's nice for it. Peeing down here so hope you're nowhere near me!

Sorry you're having a bad day, today though. Hope a hot water bottle and paracetomol work.

Fragglewump Mon 08-Apr-13 17:20:12

Wow!!! Be proud of yourself and dcs! You are an inspiration to us all. I am going to give you a message of hope.....I was you - married to a compulsive, manipulative, selfish liar who put his mates and his fun before me and our kids - he was a salesman and he covered his tracks well and got more angry and mean to me as I got sicker with anxiety and depression. ( this is a very shortened version which lists none of the truly vile things he did!!!!! ) Then after years of crap and sadness I had enough. He'd gone AWOL and turned off his phone in nights out before and I'd been i tears ringing local police and hospitals looking for him thinking he'd been injured. Then he did it again. I finally saw sense and knew I'd had enough. It was a relief. I put on loud angry music drank gin and had a good cathartic cry. Then I went to bed. Got up with the kids the next morning and after giving him a lie in (I'm too nice) I told him I was leaving. He was shocked and I saw him for who he really is. All the true colours shone like a big fresh turd left in the sun sprinkled with glitter and picked out by shafts of sunlight!!!! i was disgusted by the actions ut he couldn't hurt me anymore. I am now remarried to a great truthful brave supportive man who is truly fantastic. There is hope and you will trust again. Your anger will keep you strong for now! Be proud!

CabbageLeaves Mon 08-Apr-13 18:21:09

Before my ex had his fling I didn't really understand the finer points of affairs. Yes there are two sides etc but frankly there are extremely few cases where there are mitigating factors. Sticking with a cheater would not be possible for me. It's like being friends with a thief.

You do find out who you friends are. It's like sieving for gold. You lose the crap and keep the gold!

Regards him expecting sympathy and support...whilst your rational self realises he's entitled, deluded, selfish and stupid it can wear you down so keep that distance. Block his contact. It's not going to be healthy for you.

erowid Mon 08-Apr-13 18:39:29

I have no more advice for you than what has already been said. Well done for staying strong and remember time is a great healer. smile

LoserNoMore Mon 08-Apr-13 18:51:50

Thanks smile

Totally fed up, nothing else to really say sad

perfectstorm Mon 08-Apr-13 19:05:43

My gut feeling is that he has done a lot more than you know. He wants to like himself so he will believe all he's done, in toto, is actually forgivable. So for you to throw him out and say it's over over the tip of the iceberg is making him feel martyred, because after all, it's just a teensy little thing you're so angry about (in comparison to all you could be angry about...) and he's basically a good bloke, even with the full story, so how can you be so unreasonable as to react so badly to a snippet? He's a good husband and father, all you know about could be written off as a mistake, so why the fuck are you so stubborn over it?

It's batshit insane thinking, and utterly selfish, but if I'm right, then it's denial to protect his own image of himself as a good guy. If you're this angry over the first whiff of what he's done, then he's not a good guy. He can't afford to accept that reality - that he's treated you and his daughters like crap - so he will be impatient with your "overreaction" and feeling truly sorry for himself that you're so angry over what to him (and compared to the truth) is so minor. One thing MN shows is that they only ever confess to the minimum they think they can get away with - so your not digging for the full story, which is the usual reaction, but just being, "that's enough for this to be over" will be a huge shock. You really are acting with way more inner strength than I did or most people can. Your sane and simple reaction - that you know enough to know it's done - is very rare. He won't know how to handle it because just as men who do this have a script, I think those of us on the receiving end often do as well, and remarkably (and wonderfully) you aren't following it. Your response is a lot saner and a lot more lucid than the average desperate need to know what, and why (like it matters, and like he'll ever fully tell you anyway). So in essence his being the one making the choices, in the driving seat, and having the affair is smashed. You aren't behaving like the victim, you're behaving like a partner who was badly let down and isn't tolerating it. In essence, you aren't allowing him to control how this unfolds, and that seems to be making him very confused and angry.

I'm afraid I also agree with others that he is being and was being enabled in this thinking by the men he works with. The initial message was sent from a van when he was with others, no? So they knew. It's also going to bolster his sense that he is being unfairly treated.

I agree you need to email stating all contact is to concern only the girls and the formal arrangements for separating and that no other forms of contact will be tolerated for the time being as you need to adjust to life as a single parent. And I am so sorry, but unless you always used condoms, please do get the STI checks done. Almost all are harmless if caught early enough. I know it's the last thing you'll feel like but as someone who found out the ex was cheating at the GPs when my symptoms turned out to be chlamydia, pre-symptom catching is always best. I had an ectopic pregnancy which is possibly related. Please, you're still so young and may want another child with the lovely man who lies in your future (I know it probably seems impossible now, but truly life can surprise you) so please, be smarter than I was and get yourself checked out.

perfectstorm Mon 08-Apr-13 19:10:08

And sorry to overshare. blush Honestly don't mean to nag, either; as I say your choices are way saner and smarter than mine are, so I should probably just say, "keep doing what you're doing, as you're doing great."

I know it hurts so much and is also so fricking tedious and miserable in practical terms. But it will be okay again. Although you won't appreciate it, everyone's right. You're a remarkable person.

So much admiration and respect.

cjel Mon 08-Apr-13 19:10:11

Sorry your low. Its probably combination of drink and hormones not helping. remember our moods aren't permanent they will always lift again.xx

PoppyField Mon 08-Apr-13 19:32:11

Hi OP - I've been lurking ferociously and everyone's right - you are doing amazingly, although it probably doesn't feel like it.

Really insightful post from Perfectstorm - she totally gets that your boundaries are an example to us all.

You are strong. You have very definite sense of what you deserve and how you should be treated. Your dignity is so admirable. And you are (brilliantly!) unusual. Perfectstorm is right that you are remarkable in not following the script you've been handed. You sound great. I wish I was half as self-possessed and I think might have had a good female model somewhere along the line. Hope so. Respect!

PoppyField Mon 08-Apr-13 19:32:58

I meant 'I think YOU might have had a good female role model...'

JaxTellerIsAllMine Mon 08-Apr-13 19:40:15

Sorry today has been rubbish for you. <<<lots of hugs>> and maybe a wee deep fried mars bar. grin

feeling like utter crap was bound to come - and go - and come back again etc etc

just rest and get through tonight. bath, crisps, raid the kids easter eggs, glass of wine - whatever works for you. there's a few films on iplayer at the minute.

when you feel utterly crap you're not going to sort anything or think straight or make great decisions so just be nice to yourself, treat yourself compassionately and don't think too much x

lazarusb Mon 08-Apr-13 20:16:24

Jax is right - tomorrow, when you get out of the house, invest in a bloody big bar of chocolate (even if it isn't deep-fried!). I don't want to go all Scarlett O'Hara on you but tomorrow truly is another day. A day you've got through with your dds. Give them all a big cuddle this evening.

Perfectstorm is right - he isn't in control, he's realising that you can live without him after all. He has had the rug pulled from under his feet and he's scared. I had a bf as a teenager who cheated - his friends were complicit too. I asked a couple of them afterwards why they hadn't told me - 'He's a mate'. That was all it needed. Unfortunately I didn't have the self-esteem to walk away straight away...I kick myself now. I won't ever do that again.

Hopefully you won't be in so much pain tomorrow and even if it's raining, some fresh air will do you good.

carabossse Mon 08-Apr-13 20:22:22

Hello.

Your H's thinking at the moment is probably a case of cognitive dissonance, a psychological term that explains the discomfort a person feels when they are trying to maintain two conflicting thoughts at once. For example when a person's self-identity and their actions don't match up:

"I am a good person, a good husband and father"
And at the same time-
"I did a bad thing, I have caused pain to my wife and children."

How to reconcile these conflicting thoughts? The internal dialogue may then become:

"I am a good person, a good husband and father"
And
"I didn't do a bad thing, she's overreacting"

Or

"I am a good person, a good husband and father"
And
It's not my fault that I did the bad thing."

Unless your H rethinks the first statement about being a good person etc, any reconciling would unfortunately only reinforce whichever excuse he uses for his behaviour, and so the cycle continues.

Good luck.

CabbageLeaves Mon 08-Apr-13 20:29:56

Aw OP sad bad times are inevitable and will pass. You're grieving for your marriage and coping with how unfair it all is.

The cognitive dissonance scenario often can be used to describe marriages. I know I needed to believe it was good so I deliberately shut out any facts conflicting with that....which means its one hell of a crash when it all becomes clear.

Force yourself out of this pit and plan. Plan to decorate your bedroom. Plan something... What do the DC like doing? Any other families you can share a day out with?

Anjou Mon 08-Apr-13 20:47:44

Hi LNM. Sorry you're not feeling tip top today but I'm sure you'll be feeling lots better tomorrow. Let the fact that you are continuing to be bloody brilliant & a wonderful example to your girls give you comfort. Stay strong. ��

Jengnr Mon 08-Apr-13 20:55:29

Hey LNM. I think you're mint!

On the back of this thread I've just told my husband if he ever cheats on me not to be surprised or act like a bellend when I throw him out. smile

LovePickles Mon 08-Apr-13 21:38:30

Guy's a prick.

You're a good person.

You just have to do whatever you can to get you through the hard times. You're mourning what you thought was a happy loving marriage. It's such a loss sad It's really tough. Chocolate, wine, angry thoughts, crying, soap operas, warm baths.

You said you like swimming didn't you? Doing something for yourself, by yourself, could be ace - would your friend mind your kids for an hour or two? I'm sure you'd do the same for her if situations reversed, so try not to feel bad for asking. The endorphins can be so helpful at times like this x x

CabbageLeaves Mon 08-Apr-13 22:29:47

The chicken pox has been very bad timing for you. Summer is coming I bloody well hope and you will get out, get rid of the cabin fever and start to find times which are not marked my memories or intrusive thoughts. All of those are normal and will end.

Plan to dress nicely, do hair, makeup and feel good.

CabbageLeaves Tue 09-Apr-13 07:41:29

Morning LNM. Hope you get access to the net soon and we are behind you.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Tue 09-Apr-13 08:15:20

hi LNM was thinking of your dd last night as a friends little one has CP now. Hope she has crusted over (spots) and on way to getting better.

LoserNoMore Tue 09-Apr-13 08:59:51

Morning, thank you.

Had a migraine from hell last night. Could barely open my eyes so managed a good nights sleep. Dd3 spots have all scabbed over so just going to drag the lazy girls from their bed and go out for the day. Just need to agree on something they all want to do, that'll be fun!

JaxTellerIsAllMine Tue 09-Apr-13 09:35:44

hope your migraine has cleared now. Probably all the stress over past few days finally getting to you. sad

Make sure to drink plenty of water today, eat something and go have fun.

How about Science Museum? I like the one in Glasgow, lots to do for all ages and the coffee is quite decent. grin

lazarusb Tue 09-Apr-13 10:26:07

Nothing like a bit of children squabbling to take your mind off that twat. grin I hope you feel a bit better today - treat yourself to something nice, doesn't have to be a huge spend, hot chocolate with cream, nice lunch...you really are a very special woman.

LoserNoMore Tue 09-Apr-13 10:36:14

Science museum would be my choice and we were all on board with that until dd1 mentioned Blair Drummond Safari Park and they want to go there now. Plenty of fresh air anyway and haven't been for ages. Can't wait now!

Ah thanks lazarusb.

magimedi Tue 09-Apr-13 10:36:41

Hope your migraine has cleared. Also agree with drinking plenty of water - it's so easy to forget when one is preoccupied.

possibly less queues than the science museum in the hols lnm. we were going to go to the dinosaur museum this hols and then i saw 1.5hr queuing times to get in standing in the smog (and snow at the time) and was put off.

you're making me think i should go do something though as we've been shut in a lot and i do not have the excuse of chicken pox let alone massive life changing events.

hope you have a lovely day out with the girls.

DaemonPantalaemon Tue 09-Apr-13 15:48:50

I've been following your other thread too. And I really think it should be preserved on mumsnet forever as a textbook example to others of how to handle yourself with total class and dignity in the event of finding out your husband is a spineless piece of shit.

THIS A THOUSAND TIMES.

You are wonderful. I am so glad Skyebluesapphire is on this thread too watching you and cheering you on, because she has had a really bad time, and you are a brilliant example to her and others in similar pain of how to detach, detach, detach, focus on the essential and do it all with class, doses of black humour and such dignity.

Feel free to cry. But never to him. Don't call, don't text, let him make his relationship with his children.

So so proud of you.

Fairenuff Tue 09-Apr-13 16:19:56

Hope you are having a lovely day out with your girls. Start taking lots of photos so that you have all those memories preserved. Good call on checking out his agenda for 'discussion' tomorrow. I agree that it's best to do it all by email so that you have a record of everything he says.

He is clearly still deluding himself that you will either 'get over it' or feel so sorry for him that you will take him back. Still no sign of him asking how you are and what he can do to make life easier for you.

I wonder how much longer sil will put him up until she starts to make hints to him about looking for a place to live?

cjel Tue 09-Apr-13 16:56:40

hope you've had a lovely day.

Wow.

I lost track of the other thread and have just come across this.

You are doing so bloody well smile

He's showing his true colours now by the sounds of it, which at least makes you even more sure of your decision. What a twunt.

Just wanted to say that the way you've handled this is inspiring and it'll only get better from here smile

I'm stupidly glad for you, despite the horrid circumstances, you're better off without & deserve so much better. Even if you're alone! At least you respect yourself, even if he didn't. thanks

Jux Tue 09-Apr-13 18:36:20

Hope you all had a good day today, LNM.

perfectstorm Tue 09-Apr-13 18:36:27

Hope you've had a brilliant day and have a lovely evening. xxx

LoserNoMore Tue 09-Apr-13 19:13:41

Thanks, not long home. Sitting with a well earned mug of coffee! Had a great day and the girls too. When we got home dd2 said 'thanks for today mum you're the best'. Melted my heart.

On another note, just looked at my emails and MrLoser has sent a YouTube link for The Script - Man Who Can't Be Moved. hmm I know it's immature and I shouldn't have replied but I did...with this...

"I prefer the edited editions, not sure if you've heard them?

The Man Who Shagged About and The Man Who Lost Everything!

Whoops.

Fairenuff Tue 09-Apr-13 19:24:51

Haha nice one.

Ah well, at least that answers my question about what he will do when sil gets fed up of him.

Or, why don't you say to him Do it for one whole month, live, eat and sleep on the streets in a cardboard box and I'll consider that you actually mean what you say for once?

He's all talk, as usual.

glad you had a good day.

don't feel bad for responding - human beings and all that. you're not a rock.

Xales Tue 09-Apr-13 19:31:22

I am sorry but your H makes me want to vomit.

There is still absolutely zero concern or remorse as to how much this has hurt you. It is totally 100% about him. This is why ho doesn't think he has done any thing wrong he takes self absorbed and entitled to a new level.

If you do wonder where he may be just go and look in the nearest busty tramps bed...

This one will cheer you up a little rude

yes - total self absorption. have there been any 'how are the girls doing, are they ok, i'm so worried about them' type messages????

LoserNoMore Tue 09-Apr-13 19:36:27

Don't be sorry xales, he makes me sick too. I'll have a listen once girls are asleep smile

Haha fair snuff, yeah can't see him going to those lengths.

Cuddlydragon Tue 09-Apr-13 19:37:59

But he has moved.....right put of his family home into his sister's spare room. What a loser! You're doing great. wine x

Fluffycloudland77 Tue 09-Apr-13 19:38:12

You are brilliant.

Bet his sisters washing machines doing overtime.

If you don't need the email for work set up a new one for friends and family and he can have the old one for arranging access visits.

LoserNoMore Tue 09-Apr-13 19:38:26

Fairenuff, not fair snuff.

He did ask how the girls were. Told him we all had a great day out.

realistically though has his concern for the girls or his desperation to see them what yours would have been were the roles reversed?

LoserNoMore Tue 09-Apr-13 19:44:09

Em no, I'd be running over hot coals to see them if I were him. He's been off work too as we had planned a long weekend away so has had plenty of opportunity to arrange to take them out. Ok, dd3 had CP but he could have taken them to his sisters and spent time with them.

well that's facts to bank about the 'real him' as opposed to who you thought he was too then LNM.

face the reality of his level of concern and desire to see his own children after crushing their family.

GaryBuseysTeeth Tue 09-Apr-13 20:31:14

Glad you had a nice day!
DD2 sounds like a star, hope you're feeling better & DD3 isn't too itchy tonight.

I actually 'lol-ed' at your response to him, what a loser.

almondfinger Tue 09-Apr-13 20:40:59

I've said it before and I have to say it again, you are just amazing. Of course you are going to be down and miserable and there is not much point us telling you to cheep up really.

But I love your posts. You are so controlled, measured, intelligent, smart and funny. Especially in your replies to him. I would be screaming, bawling, tearing my hair out, tearing his hair out... I take my hat off to you.

Your children sound wonderful and I bet they'll grow up to be just like you.

LittleEsme Tue 09-Apr-13 20:43:27

Wow - he just doesn't get it, does he?
Keep your mind busy LNM. Less time to think and to dwell.

50shadesofknackered Tue 09-Apr-13 20:56:32

grin at your edited version, what an idiot. Does he think that's enough to make you beg him to come home hmm I'm pleased you have all had a good day.

LittleEsme Tue 09-Apr-13 21:00:14

What's your plan for tonight LNM?
I'm currently surfing Am*zon for a pair of lightweight trainers/plimsolls so that I can take up skipping again. It's the one thing I'm good at and it burns the flab grin

cjel Tue 09-Apr-13 21:04:54

Esme Am jealous again. Another one with pelvic floor of steel

LittleEsme Tue 09-Apr-13 21:20:19

Ah. Let's just say that there is... <cough> ... wadding.

grin

mrssmartarse Tue 09-Apr-13 21:23:53

We were at Blair Drummond today!! grin

Glad you had a nice day with ur girls u deserve it hunny and as for twunt faces email, your reply was spot on wink

Sending wine&thanks xx

cjel Tue 09-Apr-13 21:24:45

thank goodness for wadding!!

Milly22 Tue 09-Apr-13 21:35:10

Can I suggest you reply to loser with 'Christina Aguilera - Fighter' and then tell him to fuck off! grin

LoserNoMore Tue 09-Apr-13 21:36:45

LittleEsme, I was looking at getting a skipping rope from the Avon book, it's a really good workout, might destroy my perfectly intact pelvic floor ;) . Haven't done much tonight. Just prepared for work tomorrow sad fills me with dread.

Thanks for all your kind words.

LoserNoMore Tue 09-Apr-13 21:38:01

Oh mrssmartarse, our paths may have crossed grin

LittleEsme Tue 09-Apr-13 21:46:48

LNM I can recommend a fantastic rope - proper boxers stuff, that doesn't kink, easy to cut to size and is really, really cheap.

Do any of your work colleagues know what's happened to your life LNM? I only ask, because this is such a massive hit to you. If you can't face work, how do you feel about seeing your GP?

esme - i would like that recommendation please

CabbageLeaves Tue 09-Apr-13 22:04:01

You deserve more
Your DC deserve more

Had you had him back he'd be swaggering around and laughing with his mates about a 'close shave' whilst assuming he could do this again.

He will cycle through anger and nasty behaviour and emotional claptrap. What about YOU. Is he thinking about you or ....himself. Hmmm think we know the answer to this.

LoserNoMore Tue 09-Apr-13 22:08:28

Yeah I'd like to know about that rope.

I haven't told workmates anything. I don't really want to.

Ooh ooh while we're doing song wars, how about Beyonce's Irreplaceable... I love this song, and you remind me of her. Kick ass attitude. Irreplaceable

Maybe not to actually send him, but its a fantastic sentiment x x

LoserNoMore Tue 09-Apr-13 22:17:41

I like that song smile

Yeah smile 'Everything you own in a box to the left... don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable' x x

mrssmartarse Tue 09-Apr-13 22:33:56

Probably stood next to each other at some point today or dcs? What a small world, wish I'd known who u were as Mn rules would have been out the window and you would've had your privacy invaded with a massive hug!! grin
R u close to anyone at work? How are you feeling about it? Is there anyone there that may know already? sad Xx

CabbageLeaves Tue 09-Apr-13 22:37:31

Christina Perri. Jar of hearts

LoserNoMore Tue 09-Apr-13 22:52:19

Mrssmartarse, Not particularly close to anyone, it's a bit of a clique and quite a bitch place tbh. My boss isn't the most approachable either.
that would have been very surreal, nice but surreal grin

That's a good crying one cabbageleaves

CabbageLeaves Tue 09-Apr-13 23:20:30

Yeh after I posted that I thought the Beyonce one had a better attitude!

LoserNoMore Tue 09-Apr-13 23:24:02

Well it sure as hell beats One Direction which I've been subjected to in the car today. even though I secretly love them

JollyGolightly Tue 09-Apr-13 23:31:27

Delurking, having followed your old thread, to say that you rock and MrLoser is a prat.

Glad you and the bairns had a lovely day, did you see the stubborn elephant who doesn't want to move in to the new elephant house?

Catmint Tue 09-Apr-13 23:39:26

LNM I have just read previous thread and this one. Want to tell you that I admire you so much, you are doing so well.

LittleEsme Wed 10-Apr-13 00:02:53

Picking this thread up in bed - on phone and can't link.

Will link it first thing. Let's start a skipping circle wink

JaxTellerIsAllMine Wed 10-Apr-13 00:11:29

ooh I cant skip, but I walked for bloody miles today in London, got blisters to prove it. One day when I take DC and other family out I will learn to wear my trainers.

But we had a good day too and not long back.

Glad you enjoyed Blair Drummond, havent been for years. Must put it on 'the list' next time we are up.

Spree Wed 10-Apr-13 00:27:08

On the subject of songs, can I recommend Pink's So What? Fab for in the car, top of your voice!

Stay strong and accept that when the anger and rage subsides, you may feel intense sadness and wobbles.

All perfectly normal.

toffeelolly Wed 10-Apr-13 01:16:07

How you doing?

Midwife99 Wed 10-Apr-13 05:26:20

Hi LNM, I lurked throughout your previous thread. Just wanted to say that you've been bloody amazing throughout this last few days. Your DDs are lucky to have you as their Mum. Hope you start to feel a bit better soon thanks

CabbageLeaves Wed 10-Apr-13 06:49:14

I haven't got the speed or coordination for skipping but will chant skipping songs for you all ok.

Focus on your lovely DC and keep focusing on them. The rest of life can't intrude so much so you've partially anaesthetised and minimised it. Every bit of contact will upset in different ways whereas you and the DC will have positive experiences

Hope work goes well today flowers

CityTiliDie Wed 10-Apr-13 07:05:29

Surely the best song to send him back would be CeeLo Greens - Fuck You!

You sound like you are doing well. I've been there and it hurts but you will get through it and be a better stronger person for it. I consoled myself with the idea that my ExDW would always get what was due and sure enough 12 years later the man she left me for ran off with her best friend...... Oh how I laughed! She lost the big house in the Chilterns, the BMW, the holidays in FLorida, the Horse etc etc now its an ex council house, an old renault, weekends at Haven! He will get his comeuppence, trust me,

Hope your DD is getting over her CP (Awesome timing!) Concentrate on them and looking after yourself and everything else will look after itself.

Good luck with going back to work, it will help and dont be afraid to let colleagues know what has happened. there is nothing worse that suffering quietly alone.

thanks

dawntigga Wed 10-Apr-13 07:42:45

more rope enquiry here.

IfNothingElseItHasOtherUsesTiggaxx wink

no useful songs to add but i do have lily allen's 'fuck you' going round in my head now.

hope you got a decent night's sleep after an active day LNM. good luck going back to work today - it may be a great distraction in a way and make things more real and 'onward' iyswim.

LoserNoMore Wed 10-Apr-13 08:29:20

Morning, I lay awake until about 3.30ish. Getting out if bed was bloody hard. 3 cups of coffee later I'm pacing the floor feeling sick. I had planned on asking my manager about reducing my work hours and not sure how it'll go. I have my heart set on it and if she says I can't I may actually cry.

At least I have a half day today.

Fairenuff Wed 10-Apr-13 09:12:53

Try not to make any decision about work just yet if you can put it off at all. You may change your mind about reducing your hours, you may not but, for now, keep your options open if you can.

Your gp can sign you on to reduced hours as a temporary measure if you think you can't cope with full. That would give you a bit of breathing space.

You sound like you are concerned about letting anyone know at work but trying to put on a mask and keep your emotions in all day might be a bit too hard. Could you tell your manager in confidence, so that the rest of the staff don't know unless you want them to?

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Wed 10-Apr-13 09:57:36

www.youtube.com/watch?v=odmJfoi_RQA&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Play it loud when the your girls re out of earshot grin

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Wed 10-Apr-13 10:00:21

I reckon it would be an awesome skipping song too grin

cjel Wed 10-Apr-13 10:03:12

Thinking about you this morning. Remember you are in control. Crying is fine!!

JaxTellerIsAllMine Wed 10-Apr-13 11:26:43

I think you should tell someone at work, HR, or line manager, just so they know that you are under stress at the moment.

Crying is a good release mechanism, keeping all your emotions locked in isnt the way to go - when you keep them all in, that is when you get extreme reactions and burst into tears at bizarre times. Trust me, been there, done that.

Hope work is ok for you today, try to eat something, even if its just a banana.

LoserNoMore Wed 10-Apr-13 13:45:10

Wow, the was the most stressful 4 hours. My boss was off so didn't discuss my hours anyway. A client was being a dick on the phone and I came close to hanging up on the swine. I need some time off but Need to keep my holidays for the summer and don't want to be off sick, I don't get paid and sick pay I couldn't survive on. God sake, why is life so damn stressful. I can barely keep my eyes open today, can't eat and the house is a tip!

PoppyField Wed 10-Apr-13 13:52:59

Hang on in there LMN. Keep going. You can get through today even if its 5 minutes at a time. You'll make it. Can you get a breath of fresh air? Or try eating that banana - think of a tennis players in the middle of a gruelling fifth set, stuffing a banana down at changeover. It will help with energy when you're running on empty. As always, you're bloody brill.

cjel Wed 10-Apr-13 13:58:54

it never rains but it pours. Poor you. Give yourself a break about the house, Only do what you want, try to find something you can swallow without eating like soup- nutrition without the hassle!! can you have a little kip now before kids are home? if not you will survive with little sleep go to bed as soon as the dcs are in bed , just don't worry bout lack of sleep it won't kill you for a little while, but take every opportunity you have for a cat nap.

LoserNoMore Wed 10-Apr-13 14:01:37

I was going to go for a swim but the pool is out of use. I can't settle when the house is a mess, I'm bloody neurotic! And poppy, by banana you meant a mint club biscuit, right?

cjel Wed 10-Apr-13 14:13:20

I've just had an easter egg while the fruit is going off in the bow!!

sleeton Wed 10-Apr-13 14:24:05

So glad you got through your first morning back at work LoserNoMore for the next while all 'first' things (post-split, IYSWIM) are tough!
I remember finding so many things really difficult .... it didn't necessarily have to be things that we had done and enjoyed together (it just as easily could have been a school meeting or taking kids to the dentist, things I'd often done myself anyway).
I think it was the fact that the last time I had done that thing (be it go to work, or the dentist, or whatever) I had been part of a couple and life had felt normal.
Suddenly here was everyone carrying on as usual (which it was for them) and I felt not-quite-of-this-planet!

Anyway, in a kind of backwards way I am glad your boss was off, not because I don't think you should change your hours if that's what you want, but because this is a period of so many changes for you, it gives you another day or so to decide exactly what you want from your changed hours. Might as well ask for everything in one go!!! I hope they are co-operative and give you the changes you need.

Rotten not to be able to take some time off, just now. Have you got some childcare in place for the rest of the holidays, or was it your H who was going to be covering your working hours? (Ohhh, I hope not)

imtheonlyone Wed 10-Apr-13 14:26:54

Hi LNM - hope you're ok. Well done on surviving 4 hours at work - it's going to take some getting used to! I would try and tell someone at work if you can, they don't all need to know but someone needs to cut you some slack jus in case. Don't over do things because you will feel Like you're taking backwards steps.
Have you spoken to DWP about tax credits and what you're entitled to now. You could well afford to reduce hours and get more tax credits. Worth considering. Also, single parent tax credits are payable from the date of separation so get in the phone and see what you're entitled to.
Loved your response to the loser btw - he has so underestimated you it's unreal! He will be so frustrated!! Well done on continuing to handle it all so brilliantly - but get some help. And if it all gets Too much for gods sake have a great big cry, a tub of ice cream and head to the gp's for a sick note xx take care x

sleeton Wed 10-Apr-13 14:29:07

At least your fruit made the bowl cjel Yesterday I found a six pack of kiwi fruit in the bottom of the fridge, which hadn't even been opened and had almost dissolved with rotten-ness! And I complain about my food bills!!

LoserNoMore Wed 10-Apr-13 14:34:22

Thanks. Tbh the job has been grinding me down for months. I've been looking for something else but there's nothing. The longer I'm off the harder it is to go back. I'm worried I could make a massive cock up and cost the company a lot of money, when I first started I was thrown in at the deep end with no training. This is why I couldn't sleep last night, I was thinking about work. The hours I have are ok, I'm off every weekend which I love. The dd's are with a childminder during the holidays when I work. I'll call DWP now, I've been putting it off.

Cjel, I'm dreading the girls checking their Easter egg stash blush

PoppyField Wed 10-Apr-13 14:49:28

Yes of course LNM - sorry about the banana typo - I did indeed mean a mint club biscuit! xx

JuliaScurr Wed 10-Apr-13 15:09:40
cjel Wed 10-Apr-13 15:09:51

What alot of healthy eaters!! I just love that liquid that collects at the bottom of the fridge!!! Its usually cucumbers in our house!

MummyOfSunbeam Wed 10-Apr-13 15:18:06

LNM you are wonderful! Your DDs are so lucky. And you deserve a whole heap of mint club!

Your 'edited version' riposte to STBXH had me snort with mirth. You are sassy and brave and have such inspiring self-respect.

Midwife99 Wed 10-Apr-13 16:06:45

I'm sure someone else has already said but make sure you claim your 25% council tax rebate, child tax credits, housing benefit if applicable, CSA for child maintenance etc.

Fairenuff Wed 10-Apr-13 16:07:14

Re the house. If you can't stand it a mess, set yourself small goals each day, or even each hour if you like. Get the girls to help, even when mine were very little I used to get everyone to pick up five things and put them away.

Children can sort washing, load the machine, pair socks, put clothes away, wash dishes, hoover, wipe surfaces with a damp cloth, put their toys away, put shopping away and all sorts of other small jobs. Make it fun, put some music on and be jolly about it. Even the littlest can help, it's good for them to learn and they do actually enjoy it.

You can concentrate on the jobs they can't do yet like ironing or using bleach, making phone calls or even filing if you get that far!

Well done on facing your first day back at work. It's always the worst one even for people who love their jobs x

i think i buy fruit and veg purely to watch it decompose and have to hold it at arms length to transport it to the bin half the time.

well done on first day back at work. things will start shifting. get through the split a bit and the right job will appear. it's almost like once you start moving forward and once you're brave enough to let go of things new things can appear and your hands are free to grasp them.

sorry if that's a bit cliche.

Fluffycloudland77 Wed 10-Apr-13 16:44:24

I don't know if anyone's mentioned this but as you aren't married or co-mortgaged you can officially financially seperate from him too. We did it with Dh's ex.

There are three main credit agencies in the uk afaik, you contact them and ask for the relevant form, send it in and it means that if he gets into trouble financially it doesn't affect your credit rating too.

You just need to close any joint financial commitments such as bank accounts and credit cards. It served us well as Dh's ex went and got into debt and had to go bankrupt.

imtheonlyone Wed 10-Apr-13 20:04:53

I think they are married fluffy - correct me if I'm wrong LNM

Midwife99 Wed 10-Apr-13 20:11:48

Yes married since 20 years old

CabbageLeaves Wed 10-Apr-13 20:15:16

I second whoever suggested sitting on permanent changes to work etc. by all means create 'space' time etc. but keep options open until you have taken legal advice.

Hope the Loser stays lost tonight

Fluffycloudland77 Wed 10-Apr-13 20:19:54

Oh bugger, sorry op. Still, look into it, we know couples who have divorced and the husbands lawyers have advised them to get into debt to avoid paying the wife as much.

Shameful advice though.

LoserNoMore Wed 10-Apr-13 21:04:02

Yeah as midwife99 says, we are married. All sorted with Tax credits, also with council tax and have forms to fill in to see if I'm entitled to help with rent. Lost the will to live saying 'I'm no longer with my husband, he's moved out' so many bloody times.

Anyway that's done, CSA tomorrow and lawyer. Housework all done too so accomplished quite a bit despite starting off the day a total wreck.

In Loser News, according to my friend he has changed his status on FB to single. He must be totally gutted eh, couldn't wait to get that out there. DICK! Apparently there are lots of 'wtf' and 'omg' comments. Thank god I deactivated my account the other day. Still a bit gutting to hear though. Bastard! I've had a few texts since from some friends asking what happened. Just turned my phone off. sad

Fluffycloudland77 Wed 10-Apr-13 21:12:00

09.04.13 "man who can't be moved"
10.04.13 "single"

If you login to your fb account it will re-activate it.

Phones can be a mixed blessing, it can be nice to be un-contactable sometimes.

PyroclasticFlo Wed 10-Apr-13 21:12:21

Stay strong LNM, you're doing brilliantly and we are all by your side.
He is a dick, and showing his true colours more and more clearly by the day, while you remain dignified and awesome. Hang in there. X

LoserNoMore Wed 10-Apr-13 21:17:36

Fluffy, I know. I'm not sure what he's playing at. Maybe it's sank in that he is single. I don't even want to go on FB. Too many people just being nosey.

Thanks pyro.

PoppadomPreach Wed 10-Apr-13 21:28:44

The "single" status thing is just to get tea and sympathy. Can you keep an eye on any comments just to check your name is not being "blackened", so to speak.

Going back to his "so I'm the bad guy" comment he made earlier, he sound as if he is in a bit of denial about the whole thing, and suspect he's telling little porkies to all who'll listen about what happened....with the general emphasis being "poor little me, see what she's done to me?"

But carry on doing what you've been doing...rise above, and if necessary, correct any factual inaccuracies.....!

cjel Wed 10-Apr-13 21:37:33

Wouldn't worry if your name is being'blackened' I always felt that the truth is known to the people who matter to me. The people he told that it had been 'hard for him living with my depression' weren't told of the rape and violence that made me depressed, but I have too much living to do to bother about the gossip. The truth always comes out and the way I live compared to the way he lives speaks volumes and it will be the same for you.xxx

imtheonlyone Wed 10-Apr-13 21:38:56

Wow LNM what a productive day! Well done you! Be proud of what you have achieved today!
Don't beat yourself up over his fb status - total sympathy seeker going on there!! What a total loser! How sad to feel the need to put it out there in such a public way. You are so above all that. The truth will out in the end so I wouldn't worry about what people are thinking. He has yet again left me gobsmacked at his behaviour - goodness knows how you just be feeling. Keep your dignity, I am so in awe of you x

TricksyBee Wed 10-Apr-13 21:45:43

I agree with PoppadomPreach it is likely a poor me ploy for sympathy. Especially if he knows you haven't told many people he will be trying to get his side of the story out first.

Personally I would start telling people, activate your facebook again, post a message on your wall which he won't be able to delete, first remove anyone from your friends list that you don't want to see the message so it is just mutual friend. State you apologise for putting it out in public but you wanted people to know what was happening as it is still to raw to discuss personally, then make it clear that you have ended the relationship as you found out that he had been having sex behind your back and he had finally admitted it. Keep it dignified and not abusive and state that you are focussing on your family and making sure your girls are OK and ask people to leave you to get on with it whilst you rebuild your lives from this revelation.

I say that you should make it clear as if he gets his story out too quick he can twist it when you try and state your side. He'll say you made it up, you twisted things or even that you cheated. Don't swear and don't respond beyond your initial response at all, once a few days have past deactivate your facebook again.

YOU'RE AMAZING BY THE WAY.

Fairenuff Wed 10-Apr-13 22:36:59

Personally, I would stay away from fb completely. Let him tell people what he wants. He will in rl anyway, so 'point scoring' on fb is, well... pointless imo.

I think he is doing it as another way to get to you. He may be trying to convince you that he's 'over you' and moving on. In the vain hope that it will inspire you to realise what a catch he is, and beg him to come home. Methinks he doth protest too much, and all that.

As with the silly text messages, ignorant song analagies and false promises, ignore, ignore, ignore.

And then ignore some more.

He is playing games like the silly little boy he is.

However, now it's 'out there' people might start to question you. Be prepared for that. Maybe have an answer ready when they ask. Just tell them as much as you want them to know. I would probably say something like, yes, he cheated on me so I ended it. But it's up to you what you feel comfortable with.

Fancy getting the house sorted today! Well done, you're doing fab x

cjel Wed 10-Apr-13 22:38:47

I just said 'Yes its a shame he got a gf, but she has done me a favour'!!!!

LoserNoMore Wed 10-Apr-13 22:51:27

I'm not going back on FB. Keeping quiet though its going to look like I'm the guilty party.

Tonight is the first time I actually feel unbelievably heartbroken. I've cried non stop for 2 hours. Just lying in my bed staring at the ceiling wondering if I'll ever feel totally happy again. He's wrecked me, truly.,

Thank you for all the support, I mean it.

CabbageLeaves Wed 10-Apr-13 22:57:03

You will feel happy again

He has not wrecked you. You're grieving. It will end

I remember feeling like you do. It seemed, hopeless, endless and my life was wasted

I'm now happy, confident, loved by my children and family, have great supportive friends. It seemed unbelievable when people told me the same.

You and your DC will be happy again

cjel Wed 10-Apr-13 22:57:14

I used to call those my wobbly times. They are horrid and exhausting, My pain in my chest was physical it was so painful. It does feel as though it will never feel better it is so deep. I am 18month on and I can honestly say I have felt peace and solid contentment for a long time. The way the eyes swell and the nose is huge and red isn't fair either. I wished I was one of those people who cried without all the blotchy redness. I felt better but looked crap for hours after.You really really really will feel better. Try and give in to sleep if you can, the morning will seem a bit more bearable.xx

ohtobecleo Wed 10-Apr-13 22:58:16

LNM crying is good. Allow yourself to grieve. And (I'm sure you don't need us to tell you) it will hurt for a long time probably, but one day you will wake up and realise that the worst of the pain has passed.

I'm so sorry you feel so upset. I would be beside myself if this had happened to me. It is such early days, it has all happened in the space of a few days. We all still think you're fantastic.

imtheonlyone Wed 10-Apr-13 23:06:07

Let it out LNM - tomorrow is another day. All normal feelings - easy to say but it will get better, promise xxx

Jux Wed 10-Apr-13 23:13:50

You will feel totally happy again. Hang on to that, as it is a fact.

Well done for such a productive day. You really are an amazing woman.

Prepare a short, to-the-point statement in response to people's questions. "He cheated on me so I ended it. I don't want to say any more." something like that. Practise saying it out loud, so it doesn't take you by surprise the first few times you actually use it.

Would you consider buying a new sim and letting the people you want or need to stay in touch with know the number? That way, twunt texts or contact from gossips won't take you by surprise. You can put the current sim back in the phone once a week, or in the middle of the night, whenever it suits you. You would have to let twunt know that you will only be looking at texts etc once a week, and only want communication about contact with the children.

You can make a new subfolder in your inbox too, and divert all his emails into that so you only need to look at them once in a while.

Do you have someone you trust who could look at emails and txts for you once a week? Act as a human filter, just at first at any rate?

I'm truly sorry you're feeling so sad now. It does get easier. I don't know if that MN mantra might help: "This too shall pass"? Hope your activity today at least helps you sleep tonight. Thinking of you, LNM.

mrssmartarse Wed 10-Apr-13 23:20:51

sad Oh lnm my wifes was down, so o couldn't reply earlier, been thinking of you all day, I honestly don't know where this eejit bastard gets off! I'm sick to my tummy right now remembering the facebook status change and the night I had wondering where he was and who with and trying to comprehend everything all at once sad

Everyone will tell you times a great healer, and it is, just doesn't help much right now confused

U sound like work is gonna be the straw that broke the proverbial, hunny? If clients are doing your tits in on the phone and your boss is away anyway, put the phone down take 10 seconds to regroup call them back and apologise for dodgy connection or some other bull and just give yourself a break! shock

You are doing everything with dignity and grace, fuck him and his shitty fakebook wink the ppl you give a shit about already know the truth.

Sorry for the long post, sending you thanks and a bucket load of wine

P.s hope the wee ones feeling better xxx

mrssmartarse Wed 10-Apr-13 23:22:06

*WIFI is down! Damn predictive!! How bad did that make me sound wink xxx

I think he is doing it as another way to get to you. He may be trying to convince you that he's 'over you' and moving on. In the vain hope that it will inspire you to realise what a catch he is, and beg him to come home. Methinks he doth protest too much, and all that.

Yes. This. ^^^^^

You are so right NOT to go back on FB. It's pathetic and undignified, and that is his domain, not yours.

Sorry you're feeling so sad, it's been such a shock

LittleEsme Wed 10-Apr-13 23:35:51

LNM, I'm sorry that you're low tonight. This feeling won't last, I promise. You're going through the whole catalogue of emotions that are part and parcel of this kind of betrayal and this grief was bound to come at some poing. BUT IT WILL PASS.

In the meantime - get yourself onto Amazon. You'll be pleased to see the price!!! Then get skipping Woman!

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B00AZJTHD2/ref=oh_details_o01_s00_i00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

LifeMovesOn Wed 10-Apr-13 23:36:41

You will feel happy again - trust me.

There's just a lot to get through before that stage.

Yep - ignore FB, it's a killer.

TonysHardWorkDay Wed 10-Apr-13 23:42:28

Your dignity will show that you are not guilty more than anything else. I split up with an EA ex and didn't try to fight my corner one bit. A lot of people believed him that I was a cow and a bitch, I must have cheated or why else would I leave him? But I remained dignified. The thing with liars is they start to believe their own ramblings and then begin embellishing to support the new truth they create. Others do notice this. A year after I split from him one of his friend (who was never really my friend) came up to me in a pub one night and apologised, he said everyone had seen the story progress and me be consistently demonised and put into ever ridiculous situations about how I was supposed to have behaved. You may be seen as guilty by those who don't matter in the short term but longer term things do have a tendency to correct themselves.

It has only been a week since your world imploded, a week ago you thought you were in a strong relationship and secure and happy. Now you realise you don't even know him. It will take time for you to feel secure again but it will come. Time truly is the only healer.

I think maybe the initial anger has subsided and you are feeling the sadness and bereavement of what you thought you had. Your husband was not the man you thought he was, you know that but you still need to grieve. But life does get better, it always feels like it never will when you are in the depths but it sneaks up on you that a brighter better life is there and that you have survived and become more than you thought possible.

Take care of yourself, eat, get yourself up and about, do wonderful activities with your girls and start building little goals for you. Positive goals can be as small as learning to bake a cake or a cooking a new dish, or they can be huge things like climbing Kilimanjaro or learning to parallel park. Give yourself a list of things to do for you aim to build you and develop you every day.

You are a strong woman and you are going to come out of this happier than ever with the true life you deserve and with someone who truly loves and respects you. No matter what happens in his life he will never have that comfort, he will always have at the back of his mind what he would have had if he wasn't such a selfish git.

I'm sure you don't feel strong at the moment but you truly are. I can only hope that if I was placed in your situation I could act with such dignity and grace.

Take care and I hope you get a good nights sleep, the world will begin to seem brighter again soon.

CabbageLeaves Wed 10-Apr-13 23:46:57

Ooh mrssmartarse I was all agog for a minute there!

LNM this is a horrible horrible time. I'm so so sorry you are going through it. Sadly it has to be gone through one way or another. It does end though. It really does.

There are ways to make it end quicker. What worked for me: Cut out anything in your life that doesn't give to yours. My job paid for a house. I kept it. My friends...some gave me support. They stayed. My DC I found far more patience and time for - it was as if I'd been released from coping with a bigger family so my focus was them. Instead of feeling sorry for others I felt quite hard and cold but that was because I needed rather than could given. Recognise that and nurture yourself. Don't feel obliged. Don't feel responsible. You and the DC are all that matter. Communication, contact...memories of ex ...all painful, upsetting, destroying etc. I persevered feeling it was the key to never standing and making sense of it all. I started healing when I decided there was no fathoming the actions and started pushing a boundary around myself further and further back. I diverted emails, ignored texts, refused phone calls and avoided face to face. It was the biggest help. Minimal contact. Only what I needed.

Do what is right for you

CabbageLeaves Wed 10-Apr-13 23:48:28

Never standing = understanding. (Freudian type slip maybe)

lowercase Thu 11-Apr-13 00:05:55

Hello again LNM,
Cabbage is right, everytime you talk to him ( other than essential communication) or look at FB, or go back into the past you feed the pain and it grows.

Look at fb = compromises my peace
Story with girls = peace increase
Work = essential duty

Check your actions by if they will feed or starve the pain, and act accordingly.

I know everyone keeps saying it, but you are doing so, so well.

For years I rang my ex, howling down the phone, all hours of the night!!
I only started getting better, when I stopped feeding into the pain ( self pity, justified anger etc. ) not suggesting you are doing this btw!
Just sharing what moved me on years in a matter of weeks.

I really believe what you are doing is the easiest way to get through.
Being true to yourself and your children.
All power to you.

saffronwblue Thu 11-Apr-13 04:38:06

He has turned to facebook to process the breakup? He has the emotional resources of a 15 year old. You on the other hand are evidently a thoughtful, loving, responsible adult.

just a quick good morning. hope you got some sleep.

the emotions have to get out really. yes it's good to distract and get on with life etc but there needs to be a bit of room for the emotion imo otherwise it just gets stuck in there festering. may not be your cup of tea but i know some good guided meditations that allow you to safely 'feel' and release stuff. can send links if of interest.

grief work is best described by the 'dual processing' model imo - you need to do the emotional grieving AND you need to do the getting on with life, forgetting for periods and moving forwards stuff. stray to far into either at the expense of the other and you get into a mess. it's about balancing the two.

the other thing i've heard about grief during training was this idea that the hole that is created doesn't actually shrink, it stays the same size. but your life grows bigger around it so that in relative terms it seems smaller. your life will grow so much in the future. this will always be a hurt but as your life gets bigger and 'more' your perspective on this will change.

boombangalang Thu 11-Apr-13 09:12:05

I have lurked on this story from the start of your first thread - I never normally pop directly onto threads of the relationship kind as its all very fraught and awful for the most part. Makes me sad to see how some human beings can behave towards other human beings and the devastating heartache that ensues - I have come on this morning though to say op We can't control what others do but we can control our actions to their actions - its something I have taught my children after my Nan taught me and I applaud you for your strength of character thus far. You are a shining example to your daughters and to others who might be lurking, reading while going through similar scenarios.
I only hope that should I face adversary of this nature and/or my daughters do, we have the sense of self to handle ourselves as you have handled yourself.
Hold up your head high. You are justified in doing so and let no other person make you drop it lower.
By the way - a second round of applause for the fence fixing of last week and the tramp bouncing - I need a bloody pampers if I as much as want to look at our tramp...
I wish you all the very best as you go forward.
x

LittleEsme Thu 11-Apr-13 09:19:20

swallowedAfly that's really interesting and explains things v well. I get the feeling that, in time to come, LNM has a lot of growing to do. A person with that much integrity and resolve won't be down forever.

Hang onto that thought LNM. Please do.

on the trampoline front believe it or not if you keep doing it the problem resolves - honest! when i first got ds's trampoline last summer i had the theory that as it's great exercise i'd do 20mins a day - first attempt was disastrous on the front we've been discussing - next time i was all padded up but it wasn't actually as bad and i think the third time it was fine actually.

so maybe whilst it initially stresses those muscles it then brings them back to life.

and did we ever get the skipping rope link???

must go back on the trampoline this summer - it is meant to be seriously good for your lymphatic system as well as fat burning and all over toning.

esme - yes i like the hole and growing around it analogy. if i think back to and allow myself to wade into old griefs they are actually still there the same size as ever but my life really has grown bigger around them in such a way that i have to go looking for them iyswim apart from the very rare trigger that throws you back.

CabbageLeaves Thu 11-Apr-13 10:09:04

I have a trampoline but never considered using it for me! I might have a go this weekend.

SaF - I like those ideas around grief. I cycled through highs and lows but the lows got easier. I think this is like the dual theory where I rocketed back and forth between the two situations of grief and moving on.
I'd still say family break up is a gaping hole in my life. It was a gaping hole when I was married but we tried to ignore its existence to stay married. I have now built a new life, really full and filled with so many things that the hole is just a pothole. It does still exist though.

sleeton Thu 11-Apr-13 10:39:56

Tonight is the first time I actually feel unbelievably heartbroken. I've cried non stop for 2 hours. Just lying in my bed staring at the ceiling wondering if I'll ever feel totally happy again. He's wrecked me, truly.

Oh sweetheart, that is grief! Such a gentle little word 'grief', yet it's a monster of a thing, and it truly does leave you feel physically broken. Even worse the grief that accompanies a betrayal of this magnitude can feel, in some ways, even harder than the grief that follows a death. He wasn't taken, he went. Still there in some sort of parallel universe, that you are not part of.

I am so sorry. I so wish that you didn't have to go through this, but the truth is you do and, just sometimes, it will get almost unbearable. There are things that help and gradually, over time, you will find the things that really make a difference for you.

I don't know why 'we' have to go through this. Maybe if 'we' don't, then we cannot properly heal.

I hope you slept, and that you are safely at work and that work is okay. Thinking of you.

skyebluesapphire Thu 11-Apr-13 11:32:18

A wise woman on here Autumn said to me that "Grief is the price you pay for love" and it is very true. I have truly grieved for the past 12 months as if he had died. When something happens so suddenly , it does cause shock and grief.

You are grieving for the end of your relationship and for the future that you thought you had ahead of you. But as people keep telling me, you still have a future, but it is now new and exciting...... it just takes a while to sink in.

Another person said its like going on a bear hunt - you can't go over it, you cant go under it, you just have to go through it....

my counsellor said that tears are good as they are the release valve...

((hugs to you)) you have been doing so well and this is just part of the rollercoaster sadly

JaxTellerIsAllMine Thu 11-Apr-13 11:42:58

morning LNM - as others have said, grief is what you are feeling, and having a good cry is a release I feel.

Today is a new day - hope work is ok, hope the girls are ok, holidays are nearly over and 'reality' begins next week.

As for his fb status - its just a big front, to garner sympathy and make him feel better. he's an arse.

You are fab.

lazarusb Thu 11-Apr-13 12:00:49

You know, you've come a huge way in a week. Enjoy the release crying gives you, you are a human being, you have feelings. Don't expect yourself to get through this mechanically.

FWIW, my Mum left my Dad for someone else & many years later he lost his long-term partner to cancer. He has always said that being bereaved was 'easier' to cope with as there was no anger or bitterness there. Having said that, I do feel the two situations have similarities - look on this as a bereavement and take it step by step, day by day. Give yourself a break - you are a star!

catsrus Thu 11-Apr-13 13:34:59

I was lucky in that my ex went no contact once the divorce was in process (his OW now wife has insisted on it - so I understand), and we have very little contact at all these days (children older). I quite deliberately think of the person I was in love with as dead. this has allowed me to grieve for the lost relationship - but also to talk about him to the dcs, friends and family, with kindness rather than anger. Above all I have detached.

Being able to do that means that our children can talk to me about their distress without worrying that it will trigger mine - it means I have kept a fantastic relationship with members of his family (that I see and he doesn't).

You will have to follow the grieving process that is right for you - but if you can manage to detach then you will not emotionally be at the mercy of anything he ever does. The opposite of love is not hate, it's detachment. I feel sorry for my exH when I hear about bad things that have happened to him (eg a recent illness) but no more so than I would feel for an old colleague that I used to work with. I certainly don't rejoice in any of the bad things because that would be him controlling my emotions - and he doesn't grin

LoserNoMore Thu 11-Apr-13 13:43:25

Thanks to you all, you are a wise lot. I'm ok, having my lunch break, felt like making a run for freedom when I first arrived this morning. My little crying session has left me drained today. I finish at 4pm today and off until Monday so that's a bonus.

I know I need to deal with these feelings of sadness but its so much easier if I keep busy and don't have to hear what he's up to or texts from people asking what happened. Made it seem real which I suppose I needed. I know I can't keep hiding away from the world though.

And :O at 10p for the skipping rope, that made my day grin I shall be ordering one tonight.

smokinaces Thu 11-Apr-13 14:22:07

Lnm, I recently deactivated from fb because of not wanting to see my exs stuff amongst other things, and I'm four years on. Wobbles are normal. Honest. But it does get easier.

greenfern Thu 11-Apr-13 14:47:48

LNM you will feel happy again, unfortunately at this minute you wont,
time is a great healer.

The facebook thing I think he is just trying to wind you up. Its good you have deleted your account.

You be proud of yourself, going to work, looking after your girls, not to mention the house work its no easy feat when your distraught.

So many people on this thread have been where you are now came through it and never looked back.

Take care and try to eat to keep your energy up. xx

CountryMama Thu 11-Apr-13 15:01:43

Hi, from a secret supporter... I feel wrong continuing to read your thread without saying I am walking through this ordeal with you, wishing you well.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Thu 11-Apr-13 15:08:51

not long to go until work is finished - until next week. I can understand you wanting to keep busy, thats my way too. Be kind to yourself, get that skipping rope and a huge bar of chocolate too.
have a wee hug. <<<>>>

Fairenuff Thu 11-Apr-13 15:11:04

These painful feelings need to be taken out every so often and given a little airing. Each time you do it, a little bit of the hurt and anger will disappear into the atmosphere. The rest goes back in the box until you're ready to have another go.

It's too hard to face it all at once, so it's good to keep busy. I think Saf's meditation programmes are about mindfullness (aren't they saf?) which is a really good way to fill your mind when you're not ready to face those feelings. Especially in the wee hours when everything can seem so bleak.

Processing those feelings in a safe environment, a little bit at a time helps to stop you becoming too overwhelmed. You will feel shattered. It is exhausting.

Think of it as a long journey, over some tough terrain. Sometimes you will need to rest. Other times you will be full of energy, ready to push on. You might feel like you will never get there. You might give up, sit down and bawl your eyes out. Then again, you might look back and see how far you have come already. You might look ahead at the well worn path and be reassured that others have walked that way. You might gain strength from that. You may blaize a trail for others to follow. At times you might even surprise yourself and enjoy your journey.

Whatever happens, your journey will be yours. It will be your pace and, however winding, it will lead you to your future. And you will be able to look back and say, "I did that".

Personally, I do believe in things happening for a reason.

piratecat Thu 11-Apr-13 15:53:22

LNM i have been where you are. a good friend of mine has also suffered an affair or betrayal. she started a blog a few years ago. search for psychosoothing.co.uk it is very gentle and supportive. it might be of some comfort. x

piratecat Thu 11-Apr-13 15:56:25

its .com not .uk x

mrssmartarse Thu 11-Apr-13 16:34:54

Hope u had a good day at work? smile we are all here for you day or night mind, there is always one of us about! X

NotSoNervous Thu 11-Apr-13 17:26:39

Hope your doing okay today OP

i missed the rope link - can someone re-link it please - i can't find it

LittleEsme Thu 11-Apr-13 18:02:11

swallowedAfly. Can't link or copy on this phone. Look up thread to yesterday (10th) and my post at 23.35 smile.

Order before they vanish!

found it - thanks esme smile sorry for hijack LNM.

cjel Thu 11-Apr-13 18:16:54

Am I the only one who tightens the pelvic floor when posters keep saying 'wee' when talking about skipping?

themidwife Thu 11-Apr-13 18:21:47

Nope - I'm at it too!!

LoserNoMore Thu 11-Apr-13 18:49:17

Thanks piratecat, I'll take a look.

Notsonervous, work was torture. I'm going to have to go in on Saturday and sort a load of stuff out and won't even be paid.

Just going to order my rope now. That sounds morbid!

Loser is taking the girls out on Saturday. Just received an email from him. Must be taking time out from flaunting himself on FB.

CabbageLeaves Thu 11-Apr-13 19:07:46

Hmmm working when he has the girls is not good. You should be swimming or skipping!

lazarusb Thu 11-Apr-13 19:20:31

LNM - Maybe as a friend if they will tell your other friends, just as much info as you feel ready for & to let them know you'll be in contact when you're ready.

Ask the other friend not to tell you about his FB status & updates etc. Whatever his reasons for writing his crap on there (mature!), you don't need to be second guessing him or wondering why he's said what.

You are still doing amazingly, you know? Of course you're having low times - it's only been a week. Still admiring your courage & strength.

LoserNoMore Thu 11-Apr-13 19:20:45

I know cabbage, it sucks. I'm only planning going in for a couple of hours then I can skip and swim until my hearts content.

LoserNoMore Thu 11-Apr-13 19:29:12

Thanks Lazarus, I'm just ignoring texts and I told my friend exactly that. I don't want to hear what's he's doing or saying.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Thu 11-Apr-13 19:46:48

Good for you telling her not to tell you.

So when is he collecting and bringing back? Or would it be easier for you to collect, that way you are in control of the situation and he doesnt get to come in your home.

Just a thought. Or a third party brings them home...

Why is work so shit? Anything we can do to help/advise?

LoserNoMore Thu 11-Apr-13 20:25:00

I'm dropping them off at his sisters and collecting them. I don't want to give him any opportunity to hang about my house waiting on an invite from the girls to stay for dinner/play a game.

Work is just terrible, I'm doing the work of 2 people. Someone left at the beginning of the year and they haven't rehired anyone.

CabbageLeaves Thu 11-Apr-13 21:14:32

Ooh Loser I'm in the same boat. I am also working on the two occasions ex has DC each month plus many evenings. It's killing me. I have said enough is enough to work. I am also refusing to work without pay. It's the only way I will get them to act.

cjel Thu 11-Apr-13 21:32:05

NOt a good idea to tell us work is torture and you are ordering a rope in the same post we'll all be rushing around to talk you out of doing something daft (like skipping!!)

LoserNoMore Thu 11-Apr-13 21:37:23

The only reason I'm going in unpaid is for my own sanity cabbage. Won't get any thanks for it.

Cjel :D Dont tempt me!

LoserNoMore Thu 11-Apr-13 21:37:46

grin

Isabeller Thu 11-Apr-13 21:46:04

Another admirer from lurkville here smile wishing you and your girls the very best x

piratecat Thu 11-Apr-13 21:50:56

lol couldn't help but snigger at your post of 21.37, imagine if there was a 'sanity cabbage'

I'd be straight down Tesco veg aisle!!

Where will the girls be saturday, if you have to go to work op x?

LoserNoMore Thu 11-Apr-13 22:01:10

Thank you isabeller smile

Sanity cabbage! grin

LoserNoMore Thu 11-Apr-13 22:02:01

Girls are spending the day with their dad.

Cherriesarelovely Thu 11-Apr-13 22:04:21

I was cheering for you on your other thread LNM. So sorry you are going through all this but think you are fantastic. I am a massive believer in exercise as a stress reliever so bet you will have a great time with your skipping rope. Hope you have a a good weekend with your girls. So glad you have found support here.

MushroomSoup Thu 11-Apr-13 22:18:59

Just wanted to let you know that I check in every day to see how you're doing. I don't post much but I'm walking with you too x

JaxTellerIsAllMine Thu 11-Apr-13 22:40:29

thats good that you dont have him anywhere near your safe haven. (home)

Keep on keeping on, you are doing great.

mrssmartarse Thu 11-Apr-13 23:16:13

Sweet dreams lnm, bring on 2moro, u r doing gr8 mrs wink

Really admiring your strength & courage smile xx

LoserNoMore Thu 11-Apr-13 23:36:15

Thank you, I really don't feel strong or courageous, weak and scared more like.

He has called and said he can't have the girls on Saturday, he has to work...sure. Before he told me this he kept asking what my plans were on sat, I told him none of his business then he said, sorry I've got to work at short notice. I'm just glad I didn't tell the girls the plan only for them to be let down.

NettleTea Thu 11-Apr-13 23:51:49

I would just watch out about always covering for him re him not turning up. It isnt great having to deal with the fallout but it also isnt geat when they never see the lousy letting down part of dad and regard him as the faultless golden one (as he will generally come in and play fun Disney dad and then go)
my therapist told me to let my DD know the arrangements but always have a fun back up plan for when he let her down. Otherwise you are enabling his lousy behaviour rather than allowing your DDs to gradually make their own judgements based upon his actions.

LoserNoMore Thu 11-Apr-13 23:59:14

God I'm so bad at this.

minkembra Fri 12-Apr-13 00:17:51

Lnm you are so not bad at this.
And tbh who is good at going from a happy marriage one minute to finding out your h is a lying coniving spineless git.

He is using the kids to get at you. Which is controlling.

I know we tend to see monsters everywhere on mn sometimes but was there no indication before this that he was a bit self centred ? He seems to have gone from nought to twunty remarkably fast.

minkembra Fri 12-Apr-13 00:19:54

in some ways it would be better uf he had always been a bit of a githmm

Hope he stops messing the kids around and starts acting like a parent.

lowercase Fri 12-Apr-13 00:20:45

Bad at what?
You have been very, very good in the circs.
Keeping your side of things ultra clean and tidy.

I think he's playing games...or just can't be bothered?
Either way it is not good.
Every cloud though, you have discovered the truth, it's not pretty
But it's a firm foundation for you.

Sleep well

LoserNoMore Fri 12-Apr-13 00:27:34

Lowercase, bad at deciding what to do for the best. Nettletea makes sense about not lying to them but I thought trying to protect them from bring letdown was better. I don't know.

Minkembra, he wasn't perfect before this, he had his faults but I don't understand the total change in him either. I'm not sure if he really just doesn't care or what

LoserNoMore Fri 12-Apr-13 00:32:21

Anyway, I'm calling it a night, thanks again . Goodnight.

so he's seen them once in your house and that's it since all this? and now has now plans in place to see them after cancelling saturday? that is shocking and incredibly sad.

perhaps they can at least see their aunty or grandparents or someone else for the day on saturday?

themidwife Fri 12-Apr-13 08:07:38

The total change in him is because he was caught & rather face the unpalatable truth of it all, ie you did nothing to deserve him shagging someone else, he would rather "hate" you & pretend you've treated him badly in some way so that he's the victim. "I was so lonely, loser neglected me, I had no choice but to seek comfort elsewhere, and then she threw me out OF MY OWN HOME, & stopped me seeing my kids!" You know the script!

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 12-Apr-13 08:22:40

Yes, he has to look like the good guy so has to turn you into the nasty evil nagging wife who drove him away hmm

piratecat Fri 12-Apr-13 08:24:34

its the way they pass on the guilt. to us. never made sense to me for years that.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Fri 12-Apr-13 08:37:34

he is a prize prick for doing this. It is still all about him - and trying to control you.

Im so sorry he has let your girls down, but protecting them, although the motherly thing to do, isnt what they need.

Maybe contact him and say his girls are very disappointed not to see their Dad and aunt. That leaves the ball in his court.

imtheonlyone Fri 12-Apr-13 08:40:35

Right well, at least the girls didn't know and they're not being let down. I would use this opportunity though to make it quite clear that when plans are put in place they need to be followered through. My partners ex is quite firm that when he is scheduled to see the kids that's it, there are no exceptions and if he can't pick them up etc then he needs to make arrangements to sort it out. Not sure I totally agree with all of that as my exH lives quite far away so when he cancels on me I have no choice but to step in. An email detailing how upset the girls are, how they were looking forward to seeing him and no matter what he feels towards you at the moment, he still has joint parental responsibility for the girls and they are desperate to spend some time with him. I would also say that it's time to make a contact arrangement so that you all know where you stand and the girls know when they are going to spend that promised time with their dad. Reiterate time and time again it's the girls he is letting down and himself, not you!

Dot say you're so bad at this - I'm four years into it and still feel like I'm rubbish at it too. Having to console upset kids who have been looking forward I seeing their dad is never easy. And knowing what to do for the best isn't easy either. There isn't a manual for any of this!! I'm lucky my boys are quite good at adapting to change in plans. My partners boys aren't, they get terribly upset. You do what you are happy with and what you think is best for your girls as only you know them best. I would though make it clear to him he is letting them down. An email to say just thy and that you want to set up regular contact.

Keep posting, plenty of advice on here! Stay strong! X

CabbageLeaves Fri 12-Apr-13 08:41:57

What a total arse he is.

I went through a period of ex messing me around with the DC. He regarded me as 24/7 childcare and he dipped in and out when he fancied...whilst paying zero maintenance.

I think this is a form of control and he will do it to piss you off and try and make life difficult. It's a subtle way of saying life is going to be difficult....you should have accepted me back

Trying to be civilised about our split, I obliged this and felt helpless to refuse access or object to cancelled access.

It took a very confrontational time of me being much firmer before he changed

All access was then agreed in writing. It was agreed after negotiation and I refused to change my plans to oblige him. I felt I have had to fight back to ram my point home. If I didn't, he just took the piss time and time again. Sadly the consequence of this 'fight' affected everyone incl DC, but despite trying to avoid it ...he pushed and pushed relying on me not to let them be affected.

I bitterly regret him forcing me into it but don't regret doing it. It settled once he realised I wasn't going to be a push over and point was made. We now have a v civilised contact arrangement (he barely sees them but that's another story)

CabbageLeaves Fri 12-Apr-13 08:45:03

My DC aren't stupid. I've never ever been rude about their dad to them but I've been factual. So your useless, selfish, uncaring arsehole waste of space father has decided to go to the pub with his girlfriend translated into..... Daddy is busy today so cannot see you after all

He now figures in their lives but they don't expect more than they get. His loss. They feel loved and cared for and not repeatedly disappointed

eccentrica Fri 12-Apr-13 08:45:39

Another one delurking to say you are absolutely not bad at this. You are doing brilliantly and you are a fantastic mum to your girls. Trust me , they will know and remember and be thankful.

Xales Fri 12-Apr-13 09:00:36

Can you put it in writing to him? 'Sorry you have had to change your plans and can't have the girls sat due to work? Would you like them after work or when would you next like to see them?'

At the moment be is doing it via calls so no proof he has changed plans and betcha he starts telling people you are stopping him.

Don't forget he is go smacked and doesn't think he has done anything wrong so you are being unreasonable.

This will be more of the same...

Xales Fri 12-Apr-13 09:01:43

He slept around weird auto correct

LittleEsme Fri 12-Apr-13 09:14:24

I totally agree with Cabbage - he's trying to make life difficult so that he can 'prove' it'll be just easier on everyone if you just take him back. It's just awful, awful that he's playing games with his DD's feelings like thissadangry

I know you will, but be sure to always NOT say what your plans are. Him pulling out like this is something he will do with regularity if he knows you're doing something for yourself. He really is an arse of the highest order.

You're doing fine LNM. MORE than fine. You're putting your DD's first. And you're coping. You really are.

LittleEsme Fri 12-Apr-13 09:20:07

And I agree with Xales. Start (if you can) communication via email, or even texts. You need a trail so it can be presented calmly should he ever sink lower than what he has already.

I wish I lived closer to you LNM. I'd bring my girls and a big cake for you. thanks

minkembra Fri 12-Apr-13 09:21:23

You could try a line from coronation street
'you will always be dd and dd's dad, nothing will change that. it us up to you how good a dad they get'

I am saving this for my ex who is turning up reliably but gore as little time as possible to avoid me getting 'free childcare'. as cabbage says he is trying to teach me a lesson.

If he id going to play it that Ws he should at least be made to feel guilty and who knows it may just work.

This is doubly hurtful though. Obviously having OW means you cannot keep your w bury what has it got to do with the kids. mega twunt .

I would not mare it widespread knowledge but i would make sure his sister knows he changed plan. that way if he does not go to work she will see he is lying and will not believe him if he tries the she won't let me see the kids line. the same kids he had her phone you to beg to see.

minkembra Fri 12-Apr-13 09:22:30

Sorry for assorted typos!
bury but what has it

NotSoNervous Fri 12-Apr-13 09:54:41

LNM your not bad at this, your going amazing and your being so strong.

Kat101 Fri 12-Apr-13 09:55:00

I would get to WH Smith and get hold of a 2013 diary if possible. If you can bear to document every single contact (time, by phone/email, what was said and agreed etc) it will be invaluable to you when he starts on with the "she wouldn't let me see the kids" part of the script.

CabbageLeaves Fri 12-Apr-13 09:58:41

I agree completely wiith Xales

Forcing it into e-mail contact means his silly behaviour is recorded. It's a) useful in court should you ever need it b) tones down his behaviour because in black and white it's harder to kid yourself you're in the right c) is a record of events.

In a fair world affairs shouldn't happen. In a fair world the guilty party would go out of their way to minimise the impact on those he had hurt. It's not going to be fair...so you need to expect, anticipate and mitigate against his behaviour.

I know you are a strong person from what you've posted since this happened. You are strong enough for this and he's not going to walk all over you. You will not be defeated. In a year from now you and your girls will be a strong unit and his impact will be smaller

CabbageLeaves Fri 12-Apr-13 10:02:03

He won't agree to emails... Mine fought it. I stopped responding to texts and maintained the simple line of email me if he phoned. He started sending messages via the DC and I said tell your Dad to email me in response.

I might sound like a confrontational harridan but the alternative was doormat

pictish Fri 12-Apr-13 10:06:27

Yep he's already using the kids as a way to get to you, and control you.
That was your punishment for sticking to your boundaries, and not taking him on. He knows you'll be angry and upset at them being let down, and he's owning your free time as well, by snatching it away from you.

Remember how his sister was so concerned that he was upset over not seeing the girls?

He's a manipulative swine.

droopytulip Fri 12-Apr-13 10:10:53

It felt wrong not to post something having just read through from the start. I feel so sad for you right now and grieving for a relationship is a very real and physical thing. You are an incredible women and role model for your DDs and you will be happy again with someone who really deserves you.

droopytulip Fri 12-Apr-13 10:13:45

Sorry forgot to say. Hope his dick gets caught in some industrial machinerywink

LoserNoMore Fri 12-Apr-13 10:20:47

Morning, I've told him a few times to email me instead of calling which he has done a few times. It's getting him to email every detail that is the problem. I've been keeping notes of everything since last week. I'll see what happens today, maybe he will change his mind about seeing dd's. If not I could ask his sister, just to give me a chance to pop into work for a few hours.

NettleTea Fri 12-Apr-13 10:33:12

You are SO not bad at this LV. It is our natural instinct to protect our children, and I did the same for quite a long while and ranted to my therapist about it. It did make sense, but went against the grain. At the time my ex expected to just roll up as and when he finally dragged his arse out of bed, if he did ever do that. He would make an arrangement for say, 11 on a sunday. By 12 I would go outside to call him and get a stream of abuse for waking him up and then he would say that he wasnt coming, just to get at me. I then had to deal with his rage and control and it was awful. Then later, say 2pm, he would ring and demand that I bring her down to him, and like a fool I would and DD would be overjoyed and he would play loving dad for an hour and I would get a call to pick her up because he wanted to go out with his mates....
Or he wouldnt ring for weeks then suddenly ring Sunday morning and be arsey because I wasnt to know that THIS was the one week he would decide to exert his rights to HIS contact time. we never knew where we were or what we were doing. The control was all handed to him and I facilitated it as I was desperately trying to maintain the relationship for DD.

The therapist turned it on its head. She said that I might want DD and her dad to have a good relationship but it wasnt my place to facilitate that, it was up to him to develop. She pointed out that the contact was being used as a method of punishment and control and actually had little to do with DD at all - it was more to do with him feeling big by having me run around to his bidding, and punishing me if I upset him by not seeing DD which made me feel bad for her. She said I needed to take control and to be honest but non accusatory to DD about arrangements, because by hiding contact fails she only got the 'golden dad' side of the story and that could be detrimental to me in the future especially if golden dad ever used the 'your mum wouldnt let me see you' line... She said I needed to be solid in the contact. Be firm that the times/days are not flexible on short notice. Arrange to give half an hour leeway (because he should be able to call in that time if he is going to be late or traffic is bad) and then go out. Doesnt matter where, just so that if he rocks up 2 hours late, you are not around waiting for him. And he doesnt get a replacement day - next contact is at next scheduled contact. Harsh maybe but necesary to get control back.

NettleTea Fri 12-Apr-13 10:35:48

oh and NEVER rely on him for having the kids if you have anything arranged that you need to do as he will almost certainly promise he will help you and will pull out at the last minute if he gets wind of the fact that it could mess you around

imtheonlyone Fri 12-Apr-13 10:42:13

Oooh, was just going to say exactly what nettle has just said. Get times of agreed contact set. If he is late (and I suppose some leeway could be allowed wink) but then yes, go out. Doesn't matter where or what just don't be available. He will have lost that agreed contact time. Seems really harsh but for me was the only way to gain control of the situation from him. I know you won't let him control you - you certainly don't come across as that kind of person! And yes, phone your sil and explain that he had agreed to have his girls tomorrow but now has to work and could they come anyway so that you can get some things done? You don't have to say what - what you do is no longer any of their business!!

PyroclasticFlo Fri 12-Apr-13 11:14:12

Great advice nettle, strong clear boundaries are definitely necessary. LNM I know you want to shield your DDs from the pain, and all credit to you for it, but its important that they see their father for who he is. You're not making him look bad - he's doing that all by himself, and by hiding his shitty behaviour from your DDs you're not protecting them, you're protecting him.

yes i'd ask the aunt. not so much for you to get to work, though you def should have time to yourself, but for the dd's in a way that they don't get isolated from the rest of their family.

if it turns out he's going to be an arse over contact at least they'll still feel they have family around them and are loved by more than just you. i'm a single mum and i've made sure that my parents and sister and her children are all a regular part of ds's life so he has more than just me and a sense of adults around him who love him and are willing to take care of him sometimes. it matters i think.

minkembra Fri 12-Apr-13 11:29:24

Plus if you ask aunt she knows he could have had them but did not.
And yy to fixing a time and then going out. That is line i take with ex as his time keeping is terrible. if he wants he can come and get them from wherever they are if they still want to go with him.

nettle good advice. i shall be heeding it to.

Fingers crossed op once he realises his wee tantrums is not going to work he will realise it his relationship with his kids he is fucking up.

Fairenuff Fri 12-Apr-13 11:36:18

I agree with everyone else who say put it in writing. If he rings, don't answer the phone. If he turns up in person, put any arrangements in writing 'just to confirm, you said you wanted to have the girls at such and such a time...' that sort of thing.

I also agree it's good to ask sil to have them. Not only will it keep contact for your dds but, as someone else said, if he's lying and just kicking about the place, sil will find out what he's really like.

It's possible that he thought you were planning on meeting up with another man and was jealous. Hence all the asking about what you were going to do. Keep up with the 'none of your business' though, because you're right, what you do in your spare time is none of his business.

Fairenuff Fri 12-Apr-13 11:39:31

Oh, and if he lets them down again, just say 'ok I'll tell them'. So that he realises that the girls will know each time he does it. (Even if they don't actually know, he will think they do iyswim).

LoserNoMore Fri 12-Apr-13 11:48:37

Thanks, I'll definitely reinforce the email and just make him aware I won't be covering for him if he lets them down. Sil is working but I'll ask her about tomorrow.

tbh at this point i'd probably try a bit of an appeal to sanity lnm. like, 'are you sure this is how you want to be? yes, you've lost me through cheating, yes it is over but now you need to wake up and think what kind of father you want to go on to be. don't get so caught up in trying to play games with me or justify your behaviour or whatever else is going on in your head that you forget that you are a father to lovely girls who want and need you to be a decent father to them despite the fact you've fucked your marriage. you need to arrange a regular schedule of contact and tell them what it is and tell them you love them and will be seeing them regularly and will always be there for them and that you will always be their dad. please step up and be decent with your children now - they deserve that and you will massively regret it if you don't.'

i think i'd have to have that appeal to his senses if they're in there and give that wake up call. how he acted thereafter would be down to him but at least you have tried.

if you do it and he ignores it then at least you'll know that this new stranger really is who you are dealing with now and can plan accordingly. but maybe, i really hope, it will get through to him and he'll wake up.

HedleyLammarr Fri 12-Apr-13 12:00:40

Hi LoserNoMore

I've just read most of your original thread and I have to concour with the other posters .... I'm male and wanted to say what a great woman you are

Keep strong & keep smiling

Inertia Fri 12-Apr-13 12:01:38

LNM you are doing fantastically well. And that is precisely why MrLoser is now stooping to this level - he is trying to punish you for not caving to his demands, and he's spiteful enough to use the children to do it.

Nettletea's advice is excellent, as is Xales' suggestion to only have traceable email contact with MrLoser. In fact I would even email him about things you have already discussed by phone . So I would email to ask for confirmation that he wishes to cancel the pre-agreed contact arrangements for Saturday, and to state that you are willing to have the children available for contact as long as he confirms by x time. If you have not heard from him by x time you will let the children know that he has cancelled the arrangement.

It might be helpful to explain to the children why you are placing them with SIL if you go into work, just to reinforce that they are your priority - perhaps say that you had arranged to go into work while they were with their dad, but now he has changed his plans. I'm all for avoiding hurting the children, but that shouldn't mean you covering up for MrLoser.

btw i do agree with all this email and keep it formal and ra ra ra usual stuff BUT i think maybe it's worth one face to face meeting and straight talking to and last chance saloon. not to be with you but to step up and be a good dad. an appeal to his senses, a reminder of who you thought he was with regards to his children and fatherhood and full on eye contact, hit home, reality check.

it's up to you whether you're strong enough to do that but yeah, i think if you are it's worth it for your girls and to feel really clear in yourself you've done what you can to do this the clean way. if he doesn't respond you can wholeheartedly get behind the whole see him as something that has to be communicated with only in writing, kept evidence of, strategised against etc etc. but one last chance at waking up and stepping up from the heart for his kids seems.... worth it given the stakes?

LittleEsme Fri 12-Apr-13 12:34:24

Agreed swallowedAfly.
At least you'll know exactly what you're dealing with. At least HE'LL know your priorities are the girls and that he needs to step up.

Again, you'll be putting the girls first and 'reaching out' IYSWIM?

Email it?

LoserNoMore Fri 12-Apr-13 12:43:21

Maybe one last chance face to face, I don't know. I have emailed him with everything detailed, cancelling tomorrow etc.

I also contacted sil, she is going away for the weekend and said she wasn't aware he was working tomorrow.

Fairenuff Fri 12-Apr-13 12:57:06

Yeah, he probably isn't working. Just wanted to mess you about. Or make you realise that you can't manage without him.

LoserNoMore Fri 12-Apr-13 13:30:48

Going to work tomorrow isn't compulsory but would have lifted a bit of weight off my shoulders. I'll see what happens today, his sister said she's going to ask him what he's playing at. I didn't tell sis I was planning on going to work so he won't know he'd be doing me a favour. The upshot is he should want to spend time with his children regardless of what I'm doing.

Fairenuff Fri 12-Apr-13 13:39:13

He will probably lie to sil and say he does have to work. She won't know any different if she's going away for the weekend. But at least it plants the seed in her mind that he may be all that he says he is.

And yes, he should want to see the children. How many times has he seen them over the last 11 days?

After all that insisting and forcing you to tell them about the split before you were ready, has he actually spent more than a couple of hours with them?

Chocotrekkie Fri 12-Apr-13 13:39:51

In terms of work rather than going in can you do any of it from home ?

I got totally overloaded a bit ago and what me and my boss did was sit down together and make a huge list (4 pages) of everything that needed to be done between us with the deadlines on it. She was as busy as me..

She then had a meeting with the director asking him to help us to prioritise - we never said we couldn't do it or complained we were too busy - just got his opinion on what was most important.
Lo and behold half a dozen if his silly ideas disappeared from the list and he agreed we were understaffed.

Think you are doing fab by the way !!

sleeton Fri 12-Apr-13 13:55:31

LoserNoMore I do agree with what is being suggested (and what you are doing) in that you are trying to formalise things and get it all down in writing. It is great to have some kind of 'record' in case you need it, for example if there is some later legal dispute over contact (hopefully not).

I also totally understand your hesitation to meet up with him to talk.
Maybe one last chance face to face, I don't know.
Given that very understandable reluctance, you possibly would not want this .... but have you considered some kind of mediation?
I do not mean sort-out-our-problems-and-get-back-together mediation. No.
I mean the move on mediation, help to talk things through to formalise things like child contact mediation.
It's not always useful straight off, but it can have benefits down the line.

If it works well it can help you reach a really workable agreement for things like child contact and maintenance, including a plan of how much flexibility can be built in, how the children will see you both still jointly planning their care, etc. (Ah the stuff of dreams smile )!

Even if it doesn't work as well as that and such agreement can't be reached, or isn't adhered to, or even if he totally refuses to be a party to mediation in the first place, the very fact that you have sought mediation to try to reach agreement (whether he attended or not) gives you a lot of standing in the eyes of the law should there be some future legal dispute.

{Also ... you never know ... there is that other possibility (you know, the stuff of fantasy!) in which mediation leads to not only a workable aggreement, proper contact and fair maintenance, but also as full an explanation as you require, frank answers to any questions you might have and sufficient apology from him, to at least allow you a bit of closure and peace of mind!!! Okay, I didn't say that was likely did I grin }

candodad Fri 12-Apr-13 14:12:34

This smell slightly to me like he is still sniffing around the OW and she knows nothing about you DD's. He had made plans till he gets a "better" offer. IMO

Make sure you document everything that way he cant say he never had the chance, more for anything formal down the line than anything else.

I also would let him know that everytime you set something up you will let DD's know and he can tell them if he needs to change it. Why make you the bad parent for having to tell them dad let them down again.

LoserNoMore Fri 12-Apr-13 14:55:12

Maybe mediation would be a good idea if he continues this way. I'm tired of thinking, my brain hurts. It's so hard knowing which route to take isn't it?

He hasn't seen the girls since he came round the other day which wasn't for that long, long enough for me, not them.

My first thought was he has made plans with OW too.

piratecat Fri 12-Apr-13 15:02:45

yes i believe that ow is still very much part of this.

my ex messed dd around for yrs, to appease ow. Put her first all the time, destroyed our dd's confidence in him, so much that she ended up in counselling, with problems for yrs. From age 5-10.

He finally seems to have 'got it', but it's taken 5 miserable yrs of him thinking he was the hard done by one, that i was the bitch baddy from hell, and that dd was a nuisance.

When they leave, most of the ones I hear of completely change their. personalities to cope with what they have done. Senseless waste of time, senseless hurt to innocent children 'their' innocent children.

We have to pick up the pieces. Mumsnet helped me alot back in those days.

kittybiscuits Fri 12-Apr-13 15:06:12

Have been lurking LNM and think you are a legend x

Did he cancel contact when he realised his sister would be away, leaving him with the house to himself, by any chance? If so, it's not rocket science to know where to find him and what he'll be doing. But that is something you probably wouldn't stoop to checking out.

I would give him plenty of rope at the moment. You can't make him be a decent father, and putting a lot of effort into making sure he sees your DC is no guarantee that he will maintain it. At the very least, he has 50% responsibility to ensure he sees them. Good luck, you're amazing smile

well that or realising he'd actually have to take care of them on his own rather than hang out with sil doing the nitty gritty.

Fairenuff Fri 12-Apr-13 15:16:28

It might help to write an email, setting out that the relationship is definitely over but you would like the girls to have the best possible relationship they can with their dad. And that all depends on him.

Don't send the email, just write it all down. Then sleep on it and come back to it when you're ready. Make any changes or adjustments. Get it sorted in your head.

If you suddenly find yourself in a face to face situation with him, you will be prepared, having already thought all this through. If not, keep coming back to the email and check that you are happy with it before you send it.

Take all the time you need. If he's not that bothered about contact right now, take the time to just mull things over. Mediation would probably be helpful provided that it is very clear that you only discuss contact with the girls and, if necessary, financial matters. Make sure that the mediator is aware of this and is prepared to steer the meeting accordingly.

Can't remember if I've mentioned this, but let the school know. Are you happy for him to collect them from school? Is that something he might have done in the past? That's something else you will need to agree so that he doesn't just turn up one day and take them. Of course, it's fine for him to do that, but it should be pre-arranged so that everyone knows what the plans are.

Whilst he may be seeing ow now and again, I bet he hasn't told her how he sent you that song link, or how he begged for another chance, or how he would come back like a shot if you'd have him. She is getting her karma but she is not responsible for his actions. She knew he was married and a woman who would sleep with a married man has to have a pretty low opinion of herself in the first place. You should probably feel sorry for her really, but I won't hold my breath grin x

Newyearoldmum Fri 12-Apr-13 15:21:08

Long time lurker just wanting to tell you I think you're awesome and have been so strong.

LoserNoMore Fri 12-Apr-13 15:45:56

I'm not sure at which point he decided he was working tomorrow, if he decided after finding out his sis was going away, probably.

I don't have a problem with him picking dd's up from school, obviously ore arranged. Depends on his shifts and if he wants to. I will speak to the school on Monday anyway and make them aware of the situation.

I am going to send him an email telling him we need to figure out a routine for seeing them and we need to stick to it. If he can't do that I'll look into the mediation.

Telling him he's a total wanker for cancelling tomorrow so he can meet OW would be wrong wouldn't it?! I'll be really angry if he is in favour of seeing dd's.

LoserNoMore Fri 12-Apr-13 15:46:16

Thank you for kind posts smile

kittybiscuits Fri 12-Apr-13 15:58:23

You deserve every word of the support and praise you have received here. It wouldn't be wrong, but could you try and incorporate the phrase 'dick for brains' in your feedback? x

Isabeller Fri 12-Apr-13 16:33:22

I think you are doing brilliantly and getting fantastic advice.

I am definitely projecting here but you sound tired and stressed and I wonder if what you really need to do is keep things really simple for a while. I'm not saying all the considered planning isn't a good idea it just sounds like you are mentally and emotionally drained.

Please ignore this comment if I'm barking up the wrong tree.

You really are an inspiration.

LoserNoMore Fri 12-Apr-13 16:42:31

Not barking up the wrong tree at all isabeller. I am drained. I'd like to get dressed up and go out with my friends and forget everything today. As it happens my friends are doing just that sad

LoserNoMore Fri 12-Apr-13 17:05:56

He has replied to my email. He is going to pick the girls up tonight at 7pm. I told him wait in the car and beep the horn, do not come in the house. Turns out he has got someone to cover for him tomorrow hmm so he is having the girls overnight at his sisters. Breakthrough. The girls are excited, and if they're happy, I'm happy.

imtheonlyone Fri 12-Apr-13 17:18:20

Well that's brilliant news! The girls will be really pleased to see their dad and looks like your email has had just the right effect! Well done you. Enjoy tomorrow and please don't work all day - take some time for yourself xx

candodad Fri 12-Apr-13 18:09:17

That being said is surely its not too late to go out with your friends and let your hair down tonight?

CabbageLeaves Fri 12-Apr-13 18:16:20

So... 7pm...shower, dress, makeup and out. No nonsense about being tired. You can come home early. But go and have a big drink with friends

CabbageLeaves Fri 12-Apr-13 18:16:30

smile

JaxTellerIsAllMine Fri 12-Apr-13 18:16:49

good, get the girls organised and then go out with your friends tonight! That is an absolute order. A laugh, some girlie chat is just what you need.

Have fun!

JaxTellerIsAllMine Fri 12-Apr-13 18:20:02

exactly cabbage If LNM doesnt go let her hair down tonight then she will have the wrath of me everyone tomorrow morning! I am desperate for a night out, but am taking my niece to the airport so she can fly home to Scotland... Actually, I might send her Mum round to LNMs to make sure she has gone out. wink

themidwife Fri 12-Apr-13 18:20:42

Yay - out you go!!! Have a great time!!

lazarusb Fri 12-Apr-13 18:25:19

Good..let's hope he sticks to it! As regards his contact, please don't feel responsible for his stupid, self-centred decisions. Unfortunately it is usually the resident parent who bends over backwards to facilitate contact but don't feel it's your fault if he messes you around. As others have said, this is the only part of your life he can now control...he is clutching at straws.

Look on the bright side...this IS the only part of your life he can affect, look how much you've coped with without him smile You are a great Mum, you really are.

BriansBrain Fri 12-Apr-13 18:29:08

Yes do go out and have some me time tonight!!

Kione Fri 12-Apr-13 18:36:22

Delurking to say yes go out tonight!!!

idonthaveone Fri 12-Apr-13 18:41:30

Please try and go out you deserve a rest and something un mummy !! You have had sole responsibility for your DC for days and that alone warrants a night outwink

LittleEsme Fri 12-Apr-13 19:03:24

Get in that shower woman!
Get on some going out clothes, bit of lippy, some cash in your pocket and GO OUT!

That's an absolute order! smile

imtheonlyone Fri 12-Apr-13 19:09:06

Has he picked them up?? I agree with all the others .... GO OUT!!!!!!! wink

GaryBuseysTeeth Fri 12-Apr-13 19:26:30

What they said. Go out, have fun!

Areyoumadorisitme Fri 12-Apr-13 19:59:13

Another one saying to go out! I hope he has picked them up by now and you are out of the shower and ready to go.

You are still doing brilliantly, remember that. Take care.

almondfinger Fri 12-Apr-13 20:37:00

Hopefully the girls have been picked up hitch free and you are now glamming up for a night out with your friends. Waterproof mascara, just in case. Let your hair down and relax. Fu(k work, you really have enough on your plate without adding that into the equation.
Have one on me wine
xxx

Jux Fri 12-Apr-13 20:43:42

Hooray! Hope they have a great time.

Hope you have a good time whatever you do, from going out clubbing with friends to just collapsing on the sofa!

CabbageLeaves Fri 12-Apr-13 21:07:16

If you are lurking at home hiding from this thread because of the weight and pressure of going out wink. ...it's ok you know grin

Slippers on and glass of wine here

mrssmartarse Fri 12-Apr-13 21:17:04

Hope u r having a wee tipple lnm wink you bloody deserve it woman! & I hope that loser treats them like princesses tonight and realises how fucking shit life is going to be without you! grin Xxx

LittleEsme Fri 12-Apr-13 21:25:54

Slippers and sofa here as well LNM, but no G&T on the go oh no wink

Thinking of you.

cjel Fri 12-Apr-13 21:46:21

I'm on the chocolate here!!

LoserNoMore Fri 12-Apr-13 21:57:26

I really did plan on going out. I jumped in the shower, he picked the girls upandv I started to get ready. Then I got a bit upset and felt how weird the situation was. The first time the girls are away but spending the night with their dad. Si I jilted in the car to Tesco, bought some wine . So now I'm feeling all sorry for myself. Watching Friends, eating Doritos and drinking the wine.

imtheonlyone Fri 12-Apr-13 22:06:22

Ah well, probably the best decision if you weren't really feeling up to it - there will be more nights. I always watch friends when I want to forget the world and all the crap we have to deal with!! Just thinking of Joey makes me smile wink.

Enjoy some time for yourself and get some rest. I remember the first time my boys went overnight with my exH - it is weird and I totally understand why you didn't feel like going out x

imtheonlyone Fri 12-Apr-13 22:06:45

Hope you're ok - take care

CabbageLeaves Fri 12-Apr-13 22:13:33

It is weird LNM, but plan for it. I eat what I like...prawn stir fry being a favourite. I have a glass or two, a film, a book and always lie in. If I can't lie in (poor sleeper) I get myself a coffee and toast but go back to bed.

In the day time I shop alone (unbelievable to wander uninterrupted), I walk in places DC wouldn't tolerate...and work/decorate. I'm usually busy!

I meet friends and eat out or cook for friends...it's a real luxurious time for me

LoserNoMore Fri 12-Apr-13 22:15:41

I'm sure next time will be easier.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Fri 12-Apr-13 22:17:22

at least you got wine, crisps and are watching friends. I am back from airport, munching crisps and drinking... WATER! hahaha I am watching Big Bang Theory and about to munch on some maltesers. Oh I am living the high life!

grin

BriansBrain Fri 12-Apr-13 22:21:20

Of course it will and maybe you needed time for yourself tonight.

You have been fabulous throughout this short horrible time x x

Stay strong and enjoy the lie in in the morning.

<puts mummy hat on>

Don't drink to much wine and get out of the house in the morning once you have had your lie in

<takes mummy hat off>

LoserNoMore Fri 12-Apr-13 22:24:01

<hides from the wrath of jax>

Water, WATER?! I'll be wishing I'd stuck to water in te morning.

LittleEsme Fri 12-Apr-13 22:24:16

Baby steps LNM, baby steps.
You're doing fine, you really are.

themidwife Fri 12-Apr-13 22:24:28

It's early days & you must be pretty exhausted anyway. Take it easy love & try to have a good lie in thanks

LoserNoMore Fri 12-Apr-13 22:27:22

Thanks briansbrain, all noted and taken on board grin

LoserNoMore Fri 12-Apr-13 22:28:14

Thank you, you're all lovely.

Kione Fri 12-Apr-13 22:28:33

I delurked to say "go out"! but it must be hard, havent been in your situation but totally understand you need time to adjust. Joining with a wine here.
thanks

LittleEsme Fri 12-Apr-13 22:38:05

Yesh, I mean yes we are lyfli

<hic>

Pass me the water, LNM.

BriansBrain Fri 12-Apr-13 22:42:43

Yes baby steps are right and learning to do something just for you, you will need to get used to time alone which as a married mother there isn't much of.

Take your time x

I've started a really stupid thread in chat about my need to Change my facial expression when pissed off if you fancy some silly time.

cjel Fri 12-Apr-13 22:53:35

I feel sick now finished all the chocolate!! must admit to not being too good at going out. Enjoy slobby nights and morning going back to bed to cry and read !!!

LoserNoMore Fri 12-Apr-13 22:58:36

I have no water, only wine LittleEsme. Well the bottles almost gone <hic>

I prefer nights in too cjel, too much effort involved going out.

Brian, that'll be a bonus once I get used to it. I hardly had a minute to myself before.

maras2 Fri 12-Apr-13 23:06:33

You are a lovely,very strong woman! He is a very bad man < and a total twunt > Your kids are lucky to have such a good mum.

Jux Fri 12-Apr-13 23:27:47

There is nothing wrong with a bit of slobbing out on the sofa. Anyway, you've been working yourself very hard and deserve a rest, whatever form it takes. I have been doing a bit of slobbing myself this evening. In fact, I am a past master at slobbing and vegging <preens>

Rest. Tomorrow, have a lie in. Read in bed with a cuppa by your side. Luxury.

dawntigga Sat 13-Apr-13 06:39:17

LNM at some point in the distant future you will think about all this and not feel like you've been kicked in the chest. Your girls will be fabulous - look at their role model, you! - and everything will be sorted. Until that day comes everything will feel weird/shit/horrid/disconnected or a combination of this and everything else you're feeling right now. It's ok to feel these things, you're grieving and this takes time.

He'sATwuntTiggaxx

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sat 13-Apr-13 08:05:23

no wrath from me. you still managed to have 'you time' - yes Water, was all that passed my lips.

I know this will shock you all, but I am not a big drinker, when Im out for the night with friends then I will drink alcohol but rarely drink in the house. It just never enters my head to open a bottle of wine or something else.

I am Scottish and a huge embarrassment to the stereotypical depiction of 'us' . grin

CabbageLeaves Sat 13-Apr-13 08:23:07

Morning.... <passes paracetamol, tea and toast around>

LoserNoMore Sat 13-Apr-13 09:17:24

No paracetamol needed here. I'm fresh as a daisy. Might have been the 2 pints of water I drank before bed.

Jax, I'm not a big drinker either. Not a fan of drinking alone at home but sometimes, like yesterday I thought it'd be a good idea!

Thanks Dawn, everything is weird, feels like a dream.

I'm torn about going to work, I want to sort out the backlog of work but I also want to lie in my bed for a bit!

morning lnm smile

bit of a dodgy precedent to set if it's not your fault that there is a backlog and you are not going to get paid or even thanked for going in in your own time. might be better to use the backlog to show your manager that the workload is not viable? obviously don't knwo the details though.

really glad he has taken the dds overnight.

cjel Sat 13-Apr-13 09:27:41

What would you regret most? Staying in bed longer or not getting work done? Glad you feel good this morning.x

LoserNoMore Sat 13-Apr-13 09:35:09

If I go in it'll be a one off. My boss won't even know unless the other girl who is in work today tells her.

Morning, Cjel, I'll just worry about work all weekend if I don't go in. I'll lie in bed for a bit anyway. Wish I had someone here to bring me tea!

cjel Sat 13-Apr-13 09:56:06

sounds perfect. I always find its a long way from bed to the kettle when I'm on my own!!

themidwife Sat 13-Apr-13 10:04:56

Bring back the teasmaid I say <goes over the eBay to find one> smile

LoserNoMore Sat 13-Apr-13 10:21:33

A teasmaid would be great right now!

cjel Sat 13-Apr-13 10:25:51

I got out of bed and now have cold feet

Fluffycloudland77 Sat 13-Apr-13 10:44:40

You can just imagine the exh saying my wife chucked me out, got online groceries and a teasmaid and doesn't need me anymore. shock

You can buy the little milk jiggers online so the milk doesn't go off overnight. Not that I've looked into them.

ShootingStarsss Sat 13-Apr-13 10:46:29

Hope you managed to have a relaxing evening/night last night LNM, your doing really well, what time are your girls coming home?

LoserNoMore Sat 13-Apr-13 10:55:17

Fluffy, don't forget the fence fixing grin

The girls are home about 4pm. Just heading to work for 2 hours tops!

themidwife Sat 13-Apr-13 11:00:36

grin Fluffy!!

Jux Sat 13-Apr-13 11:01:53

And then you can have lunch out, and look around a few shops, and still be home in time for the girls' return. Sounds like a good day!

LoserNoMore Sat 13-Apr-13 11:38:11

Well the office is all locked up confused there is usually someone in on a Saturday. Oh well, least I tried. Going to try not to worry about work.

Today I'm car hunting, the car is his. He said I can use it until I get another. Just a cheap car around £1500 in looking for! Wish me luck!

cjel Sat 13-Apr-13 11:40:19

thats a pain,well nothing you can do about it. Car hunting sounds fun. I'm going to try out my new pond gloves and see if I can get the pond pump working!!

LoserNoMore Sat 13-Apr-13 11:45:11

Sounds very fishy cjel.

In other news, my skipping rope came grin

cjel Sat 13-Apr-13 11:46:21

You are amazing.You are inspiring me to do something about my pelvic floor!!!

car hunting does sound fun but bear in mind the car really isn't 'his' - it's marital property.

my skipping rope came too grin shall we try them out and report back? thing looks a bit lethal to me

themidwife Sat 13-Apr-13 11:58:16

Yes the car is both of yours, if he won't let you have it a new car needs to be bought for you from joint assets.

LoserNoMore Sat 13-Apr-13 12:00:42

I've never liked the car anyway. So shall I ask him for a contribution towards the car then? I have no clue.

yep. he should be paying towards it really. if he's taking the family car.

Fluffycloudland77 Sat 13-Apr-13 12:02:20

Ask in legal, all the lawyers go there and answer questions.

LoserNoMore Sat 13-Apr-13 12:03:13

Swallowedafly, the rope is good. Bingo wings be gone!

LoserNoMore Sat 13-Apr-13 12:03:56

Thanks fluffy, I'll do that

ooh if it works on bingo wings i'm slightly more motivated!

Fairenuff Sat 13-Apr-13 12:21:15

Either that, or sell the car and give him half the proceeds.

Jux Sat 13-Apr-13 12:38:49

I jumped on the bandwagon and ordered one of those ropes too. It arrived this morning, very plasticky-looking and very, very red!

I got it for dd. When it arrived I suggested to dh that he could try skipping on the trampoline grin. He was unamused. I probably can't use it myself much as jumping is a bit of a big deal for me, and my entire skeleton gets shaken up and I end up in pain/exhausted within a few skips. But I am trying to get a bit fitter (I have ms and have gone to seed horribly since I had to stop walking much) and recently have joined a gym too. So I think I'll give it a go.

Wish me luck for when it stops raining!

LNM, exercise makes you feel better. Chemicals rush around your brain and lift your mood. Skip lots! Maybe whenever you're having a bad day you should get that rope out.

Hope your car hunting is successful.

LoserNoMore Sat 13-Apr-13 12:53:32

It's much easier than the actual rope ones. It must be good for bingo wings, all those arm rotations. End up with calves like Chris Hoy in the process though. Skipping on the tramp sounds like a challenge!

Jux Sat 13-Apr-13 13:00:20

Both dh and dd have said it's too dangerous! DD listed about 20 awful things which could happen, including tripping and having her hair ripped out on the springs grin

LittleEsme Sat 13-Apr-13 13:24:10

Jux sad MS? I've never, ever read a self-pitying post from you. You awesome woman.

So the ropes have arrived?! Mine are blue and yes, lethal!
DO NOT ATTEMPT SKIPPING BAREFOOT! It'll slice it off I swear!

Remember to trim them down - take off handle and trim carefully to size. It's an amazing 'skipper' for the price and lots more effective and faster than rope. Win win.

LNM, hope you're having a mooch around town. Treat yourself to something small, like a good handcream, and slather it on when you get home. In the meantime, pick up a mag (Boots magazines are free if you're an Advantage card holder) and head to a cafe for a nice cuppa tea (God, I'm tight - I always buy tea and nowt else when I'm out, cos it's the cheapest drink on the menu grin).

Also, I'd definitely post in Legal re the car. It may afford you something newer and less hassle in the long run.

lazarusb Sat 13-Apr-13 13:29:37

I'm glad he picked them up & I'm glad your work was shut smile The car counts as an asset so yes, he either gives you half of what it's worth or he lets you have it completely...for the benefit of your dds. He should be contributing to the financial upkeep of the girls too.

I'd love to skip but have a dodgy back so it's a bit too high impact for me sad Light jogging and a bit of step is as far as it goes for me.

Fluffycloudland77 Sat 13-Apr-13 13:37:28

Linky to the skipping rope?

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sat 13-Apr-13 13:38:11

lazarusb I am not allowed to do anything high impact either. sad no skipping, skiing, horse riding, blah blah blah. Actually the only thing I can do at the moment is walk and I am walking! Cant wait to get back to my aquarobics.

LittleEsme Sat 13-Apr-13 13:49:43
LoserNoMore Sat 13-Apr-13 13:59:40

My skipping rope is red too! It makes a good whooshing sound when you pick up speed doesn't it?! Amazon must be wondering about the sales pick up on these ropes.

Wrt the car, I'm really not bothered about him keeping it, I can't imagine he'd want to sell it either but halfing me for a car for us sounds like a compromise. I'll speak to him about it later via email of course.

Fluffycloudland77 Sat 13-Apr-13 14:12:41

Thanks.

cjel Sat 13-Apr-13 14:19:30

just come in from mending pond pump and pruning in the rain soaking so make a drink and biscuits and came back to see how you are getting on, Can't believe I did it but i clicked on link and have bought a rope. What have you done to me??? I don't even know if I've got any room to skip!!!

LoserNoMore Sat 13-Apr-13 14:26:58

grin it's LittleEsme s fault. You don't need much room cjel. Comfy shoes and a good sports bra.

dawntigga Sat 13-Apr-13 14:42:37

We'll need to form a Buffalo Girls troop - we need a name ;)

GoAroundTheOutsideTigga

Conina Sat 13-Apr-13 14:54:56

Its a strange way of supporting you LNM but I've joined your bingo wings be gone skipping troop. And I think you've been fantastic.

Jux Sat 13-Apr-13 14:58:22

LittleEsme, thank you blush

No skipping today - still peeing down. Am slobbing on the sofa with tea and To Kill a Mockingbird. 'Tis lovely.

lazarusb Sat 13-Apr-13 14:58:46

Jux It's so frustrating isn't it? I do a lot of walking too. Any exercise for my back has to be weight-bearing, which is fine when I'm not in pain but impossible when I am! Bit of a Catch 22...

LNM - I had a friend who started running but without a sports bra...I told her the damage she was doing running without one, she thought I was being daft and buying into sports bra advertising claims! It wasn't until another friend commented on what she actually looked like while running that she bought one! She was quite busty & impossible not to notice!

LoserNoMore Sat 13-Apr-13 15:37:55

Jux, sounds like a good day.

We should go on Got To Dance with an alternative street dance crew with skipping ropes! Then Ashley Banjo will fall madly in love with me and we'll live happily ever after...too far? God he is my ideal man though.

LoserNoMore Sat 13-Apr-13 15:38:27

Oh Lazarus, a sports bra is a must!

imtheonlyone Sat 13-Apr-13 16:13:44

Oh gawd - been and bought myself one of those skipping ropes shock can't believe you lot made me do that wink!!

3WiseYonis Sat 13-Apr-13 16:16:11

LNM - I said further back that I admire you - I will say it again, as it is so great to see that you have not lost your sense of humor in all of this. That is so great & will help you so much.

flowers

PS Do not admire you enough to take up skipping, however! My pelvic floor would probably hit the ground if I did.

LittleEsme Sat 13-Apr-13 16:22:53

Sports bra?!

Surely you mean.... SCAFFOLDING!! grin

The skipathon starts TODAY! Whoop whoop.

LittleEsme Sat 13-Apr-13 16:23:29

after I've finished eating my Victoria sponge

themidwife Sat 13-Apr-13 16:26:24

Well done you lot - my arthritic knee & G cups do not facilitate skipping!!

Hope you're ok today LNM - this must feel so weird - first time kids away. sad

LittleEsme Sat 13-Apr-13 16:32:40

Are they back now LNM?
Are they ok? Are YOU ok?

LoserNoMore Sat 13-Apr-13 16:45:26

He called me just before 4pm. He asked if it would be ok if the girls can stay again tonight. I wanted to say no but I asked to speak to them and they all want to stay. Sounds like they've had a fun day at M&D's theme park. I told him on this occasion it's fine but we will need to discuss a more concrete routine this week at some point which he agreed to.

Not sure if I should have just stuck to the arrangement. I don't want him thinking he can do this all the time but as the girls wanted to I said yes. It means I can tackle the ironing and housework eat cake, crisps and chocolate without having to share

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sat 13-Apr-13 16:50:49

on the plus side it is good that he is spending time doing stuff with the girls, not so good that he put you in a position where if you said no, then you would be painted as the 'bad' parent.

He is still a prize dickhead though. grin

I want a skipping rope! Imight get one for when my back is better, if it ever gets to the point of me being able to skip again I will literally jump for joy! grin

candodad Sat 13-Apr-13 16:51:12

With letting them stay another night at least they can see that you are not being obstuctive in thier dad seeing them. Also on a more cynical point its a chink in his armor if any time outside the times you agree that you do want him to help you out.

LNM, this seems fine as it's the first time. But once you are getting your routine with him sorted it would be a good time to point out that all arrangements should be made with you before he suggests anything to the dcs.

Today, this happens to suit you, them and him, so all well and good. Enjoy your free time smile

themidwife Sat 13-Apr-13 16:56:53

Yes it's early days but you need a formal contact arrangement so you can plan wild nights out so the DCs know where they are & what to expect.

LoserNoMore Sat 13-Apr-13 16:58:15

It is good that he is seeing them, he is a good dad despite his behaviour this week with not seeing them but I guess...can't believe I'm saying it but, he could be forgiven for neglecting his dad duties this past week under the circumstances. He is a prize dickhead, nothing will take that title away from him ever.

LoserNoMore Sat 13-Apr-13 16:59:42

In saying that imI pretty sure I've had a worse week than him and I didn't put the dd's second, so I take the above back.

themidwife Sat 13-Apr-13 17:03:42

Yes steady on - he's been an arse!

LoserNoMore Sat 13-Apr-13 17:10:31

Don't know what the hell came over me there confused

LittleEsme Sat 13-Apr-13 17:16:59

It's because, for the first time in all this terrible mess, he's actually acting human. Don't let it de-rail you LNM.

lowercase Sat 13-Apr-13 17:36:02

Good dads treat the childrens mother decently.

Glad to see you have returned to sanity there!

lazarusb Sat 13-Apr-13 17:38:58

Well..I've given in & ordered a skipping rope! My back is ok at the moment and I think, once I've finished my exams, it will be a good incentive to tone up a bit.

Well done LNM. I'm going to be sceptical and suggest that he was hoping you would say no! However, as you are immersed in the milk of human kindness, I will be sceptical on your behalf! I hope it's actually a sign that's he missed your dds more than he thought possible & it further rubs salt in his wounds grin

Disclaimer: Been studying all afternoon so not in the most forgiving mood.

LoserNoMore Sat 13-Apr-13 17:39:29

That was a close one. Good point lowercase.

LoserNoMore Sat 13-Apr-13 17:52:36

I'm sure he won't disappoint in his duchess behaviour in the future.

Hope you'll reward yourself for studying on a Saturday Lazarus?

Well I'm kind of lost now, I had bought some munchies in for me and the girls tonight and was planning on a Britains Got Talent/The Voice night. Now I'm on my tod...again.

LNM you are doing amazing.

I am 6 months on from a very similar situation and I am generally so much happier without the lying cheating knob jockey, and I know he did me a huge favour by leaving me for the OW.

I have 2 DD's and we have great fun together. PM me if you ever want to chat.

LoserNoMore Sat 13-Apr-13 17:52:59

Autocorrect changed dickhead to duchess!

LoserNoMore Sat 13-Apr-13 17:54:10

Thanks Dolly smile it's good to hear from people months down the line.

Better go and eat I suppose.

Ps where in the world are you? My DD's are at their dads tonight and you'd be welcome on my night out tonight!

LoserNoMore Sat 13-Apr-13 17:56:24

Ah thanks Dolly, I'm in Scotland, probably miles away. I think it'll be another night on the sofa.

lazarusb Sat 13-Apr-13 18:10:17

There's nowt wrong with a night on the sofa. Especially if you have some nice treats.

Reward?...My exams start in 3.5weeks so 7 days a week study is a must at the moment. The little flurries of panic are just beginning to set in too. But I'm having some friends round on April 26th for a glass of wine so something to look forward to there!

I quite like the 'duchess' autocorrect - makes his behaviour seem all the more ridiculous!

LoserNoMore Sat 13-Apr-13 18:15:18

That's good you have something planned Lazarus, always good to have something to look forward to. I always need something to look forward to, keeps me going.

CabbageLeaves Sat 13-Apr-13 18:22:46

I sometimes take a flask to bed blush. It's just very nice to have coffee in bed and not get out for it.

I've worked today. Foul weather and lovely new DP has minded DC for wet weather day in. They are now with their dad and we'll have a day out tomorrow instead of me working

I have looked at the skipping item ... Do you do it outdoors? <stupid question perhaps>

Dolly. I think I remember you ? Good to hear you are doing ok. I'm sure your experience and seeing you 6 months on will help LNM

lowercase Sat 13-Apr-13 18:23:09

did you post about the car in legal LNM?

sorry if ive missed something but what do you think about contact for children?

bi-weekly?

you could shelve thinking about it, but dont want to be in the position of him calling the shots wrt access...

lowercase Sat 13-Apr-13 18:24:21

i remember Dollys thread...search it out LNM, thats your saturday night sorted!

cjel Sat 13-Apr-13 18:27:28

LittleEsme. How can you bail out of skipping now? I've ordered one of the ropes, I was thinking of getting scaffolding as well. Spent £6 on chocolate when I popped in to the paper shop earlier. Just doing a nice steak and then I'll start on Chocolate. I'm on Sofa already and its only 6.30!!!

LoserNoMore Sat 13-Apr-13 18:29:00

I've not posted in legal yet, im not sure my tiny brain is up to legal talk today. I'm not sure about access either, he works shifts and some weekends so will need to arrange it round that. It's going to take a lot if getting used to, the girls not being here all the time. I miss them so much sad

CabbageLeaves Sat 13-Apr-13 18:34:15

I am possibly a bad mother but I don't miss them often. All those things I can't do with them...I do. It's infrequent for me however.

Dating would be impossible if I had to rely on contact time.

Wideboy Sat 13-Apr-13 18:44:56

Well I've ordered a skipping rope as I need to get in shape a bit too. May I please have a special dispensation from you good ladies for the sports bra, though?

LNM - I've followed your thread ab initio too and am full of admiration for you and your dignity. The thought that I could treat my wife like that makes me go cold. Do keep your resolve, although I can see that you will.

LittleEsme Sat 13-Apr-13 19:07:07

Hang on hang on....

I'm feeling like I should get a little kudos from El Skipping Rope company. Their sales must have shot up courtesy of lil old me and my flabby arms. Eh? eh?

<sulk>

LNM - get thee to a nice bath, shave your legs, moisturise, then snuggle up to watch your fave TV. Or tape it, if you can so you and your girls can watch it tomorrow. Either way, remember this: This is a tough night for you, it really is. But it just further demonstrates how utterly selfless you are. Again and again, you amaze me with your resolve. Your decency. Hang on to that. You're a rare breed LNM, indeed you are.

<wishing we all lived closer to you so we could pile over and skip/eat>

LittleEsme Sat 13-Apr-13 19:08:49

Disclaimer - I've not bailed out of skipping. Got a really painful chest so having a break today. And I skip in my kitchen (got a high ceiling in there) whilst the weather is so bad, else it would be in my driveway.

I don't care what the neighbours say, although I'm sure I can hear sniggering. Bastards.

LittleEsme Sat 13-Apr-13 19:23:00

Second Disclaimer: Promise you won't tell?

<in hushed tones> I wear 2 sports bras. Yup. 2.
1 is simply not enough to keep these boobies down grin

imtheonlyone Sat 13-Apr-13 19:33:33

gringringringrin Esme!!!!!

You've done the right thing tonight LNM - no harm in them staying another night since its the first time. But you're right, be clear this won't happen again and that a proper schedule needs to be agreed. Also, (and I've had to argue this with my ex) absolutely no discussing with the DCs until agreed with other parent! It's only fair!

Enjoy your extra night. I love my boys to pieces but those weekends when they're at their dads are bliss wink

cjel Sat 13-Apr-13 19:35:33

you're forgiven, look after your chest and let us know when you'll teach us to skip!!

LoserNoMore Sat 13-Apr-13 22:16:19

Oh dear god, so I thought I'll go for a nice bath, couldn't find the plug so turned the shower on, stepped in skidded and smacked my head on the fucking tap. I think I may have been knocked out for about 10 seconds. Came to, wondered where the fuck I was and climbed out. My head aches and I've just lay on the sofa in a daze for the past couple of hours.

imtheonlyone Sat 13-Apr-13 22:18:11

Omg!! Hope you're ok??

mrssmartarse Sat 13-Apr-13 22:21:12

I have ordered one of those bloody ropes to now shock

But tbh it reminds me of a strawberry lace and I may try to eat it? wink

What's your plans tonight lnm? thanks X

cjel Sat 13-Apr-13 22:21:47

I think you should ring someone to be with you or out of hours drs. YOU will not be making a fuss. You will be looking after yourself for your Dcs tomorrow.

mrssmartarse Sat 13-Apr-13 22:22:13

Shit I've just refreshed!! confusedconfused Wtf? R u ok?? Xxxxxxx thanks

BriansBrain Sat 13-Apr-13 22:30:36

LNM you really shouldn't be alone if you were knocked out. Can you call a friend?

You need to be really careful and I second a call to nhsd etc

Fucking hell I hope you are ok.

CabbageLeaves Sat 13-Apr-13 22:35:28

LNM. feeling sick at all?

NHS advice

cjel Sat 13-Apr-13 22:37:23

You OK?

CabbageLeaves Sat 13-Apr-13 22:38:50

If this was me... I'd be thinking, shit what next it's late... I have been drinking and can't drive... I'll be alright... And tbh would probably not go.

Only you know how you feel but if you have any confusion, nausea or loss of consciousness (drowsy) please get yourself to A&E

LoserNoMore Sat 13-Apr-13 22:41:42

I've not even had a drink. I'm ok, just a sore head. Don't feel sick or anything.

BriansBrain Sat 13-Apr-13 22:42:51

Phew

LoserNoMore Sat 13-Apr-13 22:45:30

Could murder a drink now right enough, my nerves are shattered. I tried to call a couple of friends afterwards but couldn't get anyone. Just a bit shaky.

CabbageLeaves Sat 13-Apr-13 22:46:53

Hot sweet tea. No alcohol smile

Keep ringing. If you were my friend I'd be really really upset if you didn't call me

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sat 13-Apr-13 22:49:04

LNM - FFS, are you ok? I know you wont, but call OOH Dr or NHS direct, it wont hurt and that way you have had advice from a professional.

Maybe some ice on head and some Ibuprofen for swelling. Poor wee thing.

Loulybelle Sat 13-Apr-13 22:49:57

Just keep trying and call NHS direct for advice, dont go to sleep, keep your fluids up and just rest.

But keep trying your friends, you need someone to be with you.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sat 13-Apr-13 22:51:01

My SIL lives not too far from Glasgow, I can get her up to you if you want. I can honestly say she wouldnt mind and she would check your head, make you laugh and eat your munchies! Hell, she'd even skip for you to make you feel better. I love my sis inlaw, she's a gem. grin

Just say the word!

LittleEsme Sat 13-Apr-13 22:52:48

shock

Holy heck! LNM - is there a lump? Has it broken the skin?
Talk to us!

cjel Sat 13-Apr-13 22:59:07

Please keep trying to get someone to be with you or Drs advice. I hate mumsnet sometimes Feel so useless.

LittleEsme Sat 13-Apr-13 23:18:09

<worried>

LoserNoMore Sat 13-Apr-13 23:25:07

I called nhs24, they've told me to go to my out of hours surgery. It's not too far away thankfully. Sorry LittleEsme didn't mean to worry you.

mrssmartarse Sat 13-Apr-13 23:39:09

How are u getting there? Do u have someone to drive you? Pls call a taxi? confused
You poor wee soul sad Saturday night at out of hours is shite, sending thanks let us know when u get back xxx

BriansBrain Sat 13-Apr-13 23:42:00

How are you feeling in yourself? Not knocking nhsd but they are a tick box exercise - do you have any one that can be with you, how will you get there?

Jux Sun 14-Apr-13 00:21:09

Hope you're OK, LNM.

LoserNoMore Sun 14-Apr-13 01:14:40

sad still n out of hours. There are a lot of drunk people pissing me off. I'm not sure I've ever felt this alone. I've thrown up twice since getting and if the drunk guy beside me puts his hand on my knee one more time ill throw up on him.

WeAreSix Sun 14-Apr-13 01:16:28

I'm awake if you need a hand to hold / someone to talk to.

Can you move away from drunk idiot?

saffronwblue Sun 14-Apr-13 01:27:42

You have done the right thing ging to be checked out.

toffeelolly Sun 14-Apr-13 01:33:42

How are you LNM? Hope you are feeling better.

mrssmartarse Sun 14-Apr-13 01:36:07

hmm What a time your having? Sending big thanks hope ur ok xx

LoserNoMore Sun 14-Apr-13 03:12:46

I've been admitted can't believe this. What a fucking inconvenience I don't even have anyone to bring me a decent night it. Really not feeling good

saffronwblue Sun 14-Apr-13 03:14:44

Oh boy. What a circus. Most important thing is your health. Just get through this and deal with everything else when you feel better.

bleedingheart Sun 14-Apr-13 06:46:05

This is so horrible. I hope you managed to get some rest and you can be discharged today.
You have been so reasonable and strong, no one deserves this but it seems particularly unfair to have happened to you, and now.
Take care LNM

LittleEsme Sun 14-Apr-13 07:15:58

LNMshock you poor thing.
Is there anyone around you can text? What about your parents?
You know you're going to have to let your H know, don't you? God! What a thing to happen.

How are you feeling now? What have Docs done?

oh bless you. they'll have wanted to keep you in for observation with concussion presumably. hope they do their rounds quick this morning so you can get out of there at a reasonable hour.

CabbageLeaves Sun 14-Apr-13 07:32:43

LNM. Hope you had a reasonable night. You will need rest and a quiet day. What can you arrange to make your day easier when you get home

toffeelolly Sun 14-Apr-13 07:41:15

Oh LNM hope you get better soon and get out soon, you must have given yourself some knock. We are all thinking of you. Take care. x

themidwife Sun 14-Apr-13 08:14:58

Oh fuck!! I hope you're ok LNM!!
What a nightmare!! sad

WellWisher2 Sun 14-Apr-13 08:19:38

Hello LNM, I am de-lurking here - I followed your previous thread from the beginning.

shock to hear that you are in hospital - I hope you are discharged very soon. flowers

Let me join all the other posters to say that I am very impressed with how you have handled everything from the beginning. I am very admiring that managed to keep such a cool head over the past two weeks despite the shock and pain. You have done really well, made great decisions and have accomplished much.

Hope you are soon safe at home with the girls.

Oh LNM! You poor thing. How rubbish sad. I hope you managed some sleep. Good on you for taking your health seriously tho, even if it's meant a rubbish night in hospital x x

cjel Sun 14-Apr-13 08:36:31

Glad you got checked. Have you managed to get hold of someone to be with you? Sending you big tearful hugsxxxx