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Am I right to be annoyed by this?

(67 Posts)
Mouseyinmyhousey Sat 06-Apr-13 10:26:14

There is history here but I don't want to go into it all because I want to ask opinions on just this. Otherwise people will all just be saying he's a waste of space anyway.

Basically my p was really ill starting Monday with flu like symptoms, he was really, really bad, with fever, aching and even threw up. By Wednesday I'd caught it too and we've both been terrible. P seems to be over the worst now but today ds (4) has got up really ill, high temp and vomitted.

The reason I'm upset is the way p has acted. First he said he thinks he got ill because he hasn't had his hair cut and can't wash it properly, which I think is ridiculous because it's only regrowth from a normally number 1 cut. Then he said he thinks he's got ill from pulling the fridge out at the weekend as we cleaned behind it and it was all dusty. He's been having a go at me for taking paracetamol and ibruprofen saying that they're making me worse, even though I feel that they bring me fever down and relieve my headache.

Last night he really upset me, I went up to bed first and spilt some of my glass of water on the duvet as I was weak and shaky. The duvet was folded over and the water would have been directly on p when he came to bed, so I flipped the duvet over so that the water was on my side but on the top. P came up a bit later and started having a moan about why the quilt was the wrong way over and how he couldn't sleep like that, I told him why but he said we'd have to flip it back, turn it round and meaning I'd have the wet patch on my feet, I said I didn't want the cold wet patch on my feet and he was yelling saying I'd have to curl up and it was my fault for spilling the water and how he couldn't sleep as the top of the duvet cover was bobbly and irritating his skin.

Today he'd planned to get his hair cut and then do some work round his sisters new house, fitting some electrics which will take the whole day. I was fine with this but as ds has got up and is now really poorly too, I thought he should give the electrics a miss and give me a hand.

The house is like a bombs hit it because we've both been so ill all week. P made himself a dinner last night and there isn't a thing clean in the kitchen and he's just left it all.

I'm fed up of him, there's loads of diy jobs that need doing here but he spends half of his time doing jobs for his family instead.

I basically said as ds is now ill too and I still feel terrible couldn't he stay but he just went off on one said he's still ill too so what use will he be, and apparently it's my fault ds is ill for cuddling him.

I just really fucking hate him right now.

rubyslippers Sat 06-Apr-13 10:28:26

he sounds horrible

criticising you for spilling water and then he can't sleep because the duvet is the wrong way round


do you have any one that can come and help you today?

i cannot believe he has left you with an ill child and the house in a state

rubyslippers Sat 06-Apr-13 10:29:29

you should hate him right now because he sounds like a prick

as you say there is a back story but if his behaviour is generally like this then this is probably the last straw

Rainbowinthesky Sat 06-Apr-13 10:31:13

The trouble is the whole picture is what is useful. Knowing peoples' opinions on a snap shot isn't particularly helpful as this incidence may be perfectly okay in an otherwise very healthy relationship where both adults are respectful of each other and in a partnership. A one off doesn't make a crap relationship and obviously this isn't a one off.

DippyDoohDahDay Sat 06-Apr-13 10:31:55

He sounds really hard to live with, you must be constantly walking on egg shells! he is being ridiculous, how does he seriously rationalise the hair cut and cuddling ideas!

Mouseyinmyhousey Sat 06-Apr-13 10:43:57

I really don't want to go into the back story, although I do appreciate is may be relevant.

But basically he is supposed to be changing, showing that he is actually part of a family. But one of the many things is leaving me in the lurch because he's made plans/can't be bothered, which has even involved me or ds being in hospital.

And yes he is impossible to live with at times because of his logic on things such as me having to sleep with a wet patch on my feet rather than flip the duvet, him thinking he's ill because he hasn't had a haircut, my hair is really long so however do I manage to keep it clean?

Leverette Sat 06-Apr-13 11:01:50

Is he mentally ill? Serious question.

If not, he's just a knob and will make you mentally ill if this goes on for much longer.

deliasmithy Sat 06-Apr-13 11:02:17

I dont know how you didn't just laugh at his statements as to how he thinks he got ill. Id be leaving some printed info of how viruses work on his bedside.

We cant really answer for you if this man is changing, only you can tell if there has been any improvement.

I dont think it an usual request to prioritise family above other commitments. I think in a healthy relationship immediate family comes ahead of other family.

How the hell do you put up with this idiot?

He's making a hard situation harder when he's supposed to be part of your team, he's a dick, but I think you know that already.

Anniegetyourgun Sat 06-Apr-13 11:07:45

Hmm... so he can make himself dinner, go out all day fixing someone else's electrics, but can't wash up or change the duvet. Sounds like a rather selective illness.

I like how you're not telling us all the rest of it because you know what everyone will say. Doesn't that suggest everyone would be, er, right? That he really is a waste of space? No need to answer that wink

Mouseyinmyhousey Sat 06-Apr-13 11:17:42

Well he'd said he'd come back after haircut but has been gone 3 hours and now hasn't answered the phone so I guess he's stuck to plan a of doing his sisters house.

I do know what people would say about other, past stuff. But he promised me that things were going to change and wondered if others shared my thoughts that these aren't the actions of a changed man.

He really did piss me off this morning, he was lying in the bath, he;d been in there long enough to be washed and ds went to the toilet and vomitted, it went all down his face and pyjamas, I was rubbing ds back. I asked p to get out of the bath now so that I could quickly fill it up for ds to get in, but dp took a futher 5 minutes to get out the bath and told ds to sit on the floor by the toilet incase he was sick again. I felt as though he's the adult, he should have got straight out and helped me to sort ds who was clearly very poorly, sweaty in pyjamas and now in a mess.

He then didn't even hang around he just went straight out at just after 8.

Jeez is he always like this?

He sounds like a right fusspot, and very unsupportive.

I'm not surprised you hate him right now. angry sad

Anniegetyourgun Sat 06-Apr-13 11:27:11

But basically he is supposed to be changing, showing that he is actually part of a family

dp took a futher 5 minutes to get out the bath and told ds to sit on the floor by the toilet incase he was sick again

Mm... yeah.

Mouseyinmyhousey Sat 06-Apr-13 11:46:53

He's worse a lot of the time. About two months ago though we had it all out and he promised that he'd change, there have been some small improvements but it's things like this that to me are telling.

Another thing that happened recently that really pissed me off but I don't know if I'm being over sensitive.

My aunt passed away unexpectedly two weeks ago, she was quite young although she was having health problems but not to the point that we thought she would die. I hadn't seen her for a few years, purely because she often didn't want visitors and I didn't put the effort in to arrange to go round when she was up to it. But I loved her dearly as a child and we were very close. I've got a large family and I've taken it for granted that people will just always be there so this is a big regret for me now.

The day after she passed away I tried to show p who had never met her a few old photos, not a huge amount about 8 photos. I was saying she was really lovely and it's such ashame you didn't get to meet her, just sharing a few memories. He wasn't looking he was just staring straight past at the tv. I asked 'do you not want to look?' and he just snapped that he didn't even know her and it's just some woman to him.

This really angered me I ended up going for a sleep early evening. I had a dream that I was in the car with my aunt and we were going to the shops we always went to, I woke up all confused and dazed and tearful. P got really annoyed at this and yelled that he's lost people, people he actually sees and what was the point in upsetting myself.

Fairenuff Sat 06-Apr-13 11:58:57

Ok so basically he is horrible.

He has treated you badly in the past and has promised to change.

He hasn't changed. He is still horrible.

He always will be.

Your choices:

either live like this forever and complain about it every so often, or

tell him to leave.

Which of those choices do you want?

My God mousey thats awful. He could have at least looked at the photos and said something nice.

Does he actually even want to fit in with family life?

My eXp was similar, he just did not give a stuff.

What was the point of upsetting yourself?How hard faced.

You seem really nice OP and im sure you can do better, and deserve better. thanks

colditz Sat 06-Apr-13 12:02:15

You don't have to live like this and you don't have to inflict such an unhappy life on your son. You are choosing to.

I'm not saying it is easy to get rid of someone like this, but start planning x

colditz ^ second that.

You can live happily and peacefully with your children, without his constant miserable-ness.

I may be wrong but is he Narc?

duende Sat 06-Apr-13 12:09:54

Oh god. He sounds absolutely awful.
And yes, some of his statements and ideas do make him sound a bit unhinged. Bobbled duvet irritating his skin? Wtf?
How and why do you out up with him? I hope you and DS feel better soon.

Loulybelle Sat 06-Apr-13 12:14:08

Seriously now, this sounds like a man who has no intention of changing, if i was in the bath on my DD threw up, i'd be out like lightening and whipping her in it, you DP seems to care about no one else but himself.

Do you want to live like this forever?

ImperialBlether England Sat 06-Apr-13 12:30:45

I think he sounds mentally ill, to be honest. What is he talking about, that he has had flu because he hadn't had his hair cut and couldn't wash it properly? Since when have people had flu from unwashed hair?

The rest of it sounds like complete selfishness and cruelty.

I've had a look at your other thread, which concerned your other partner, who was violent, selfish and cruel.

I think what you should do is to live on your own with your child and make a promise to yourself not to have another relationship until you have been to counselling and understand a) why you have put up such awful behaviour throughout your adult life and b) what a good man actually looks like. I think it will be hard work but will really pay off.

Your child deserves to live in a house where everyone loves him and cares for him.

deliasmithy Sat 06-Apr-13 12:47:49

The example s you have given do not demonstrate someone putting others first. In fact, in these examples he is the centre of his world with minimal regard for you and dcs.

Are people suggesting a mental health issue because people with personality disorders have an over inflated view of their own self importance?

Mouseyinmyhousey Sat 06-Apr-13 13:10:24

Thanks for the replies, people have really just confirmed what I was thinking.

He hasn't come back, he was supposed to be getting ds some calpol for his fever but hasn't come back with it either. He text saying he'll be back at 6, I sent one back saying how I feel that he isn't changing and doesn't seem to want to be part of this family.

He just text back that he's never heard anything so fucking stupid he's helping his sister and for me to get over it.

It's not what I expect from a relationship along with all the other things and I did tell him last time it was his last chance.

I know in the grand scheme of things it may not be a huge deal but because of a million other things he's done it is.

Loulybelle Sat 06-Apr-13 13:21:50

Your building a rocket of pure resentment, hes adding the fuel, sooner rather than later, its all gonna exploded into something rather messy, you gave him one last chance, he obviously doesnt believe you meant it.

Please stay with him, op.
Otherwise some other poor cow will end up with him.

Keep him off the market, bend over and take it for the sisterhood. wink

Hissy Brazil Sat 06-Apr-13 17:14:49

Go out and get your son some calpol. the poor mite could do with som relief, and to have a man that makes him sit in his own vomit, and delays getting him medicine that will make him feel better is a complete arsehole.

He'll destroy you, and your DS, and no Dick is worth that. Tell him to stay at his sister's and you'll pack some things for him to collect when he can be bothered.

deliasmithy Sat 06-Apr-13 17:15:47

He thinks that prioritising medicine for his child over some diy is stupid.

That, I think says it all.

Mouseyinmyhousey Sat 06-Apr-13 17:18:22

Harsh pp?

I've no idea if there's mental health or he's narc, he certainly does have strange logic on things and can lack empathy.

I did pull him up on saying he's got ill from the fridge or his hair, and explained it was more likely spread from someone sneezing nearby or germs from touching something but he just says I'm making him out to be thick and taking the piss out of him.

He hasn't bothered coming back so is no doubt off sulking somewhere as he really cannot see he has done anything wrong.

Mouseyinmyhousey Sat 06-Apr-13 17:19:43

Sorry the harsh was to awesome. Although I'd probably say the same thing.

Mouseyinmyhousey Sat 06-Apr-13 17:25:28

Thanks hissy and Delia. I did have some calpol but it was the infant one for 2 month plus. It hadn't been opened I'd picked up the wrong one a while ago but it has brought ds fever down.

The thing is p would probably say ds doesn't need calpol. He doesn't seem to understand how medicines work. He has no idea how many to take etc. He told me to stop.taking paracetamol and ibuprofen as it was probably that making me ill.

duende Sat 06-Apr-13 18:26:02

Mousey why does he not understand how medicines work...?

ClaireDeTamble Sat 06-Apr-13 18:37:04

Infant calpol is the right one for 4 year olds. The next one up is for 6 plus.

He just needs 10ml rather than 5ml.

floatyflo Sat 06-Apr-13 18:44:54

My goodness he sounds about 15 years old.

Not getting out the bath for ill child, fussing over the way the duvet lies because he can't sleep shock, his insensitivity towards the death of your aunt, and going off in a strop like a little madam.

If he hasn't got issues, and that's just the way he is


AlfalfaMum Sat 06-Apr-13 18:50:13

His behaviour towards you and DS is horrible and selfish. He doesnt deserve to be a part of your family.
Please don't let your DS grow up thinking this is normal, acceptable behaviour.

Awesome's post was tongue-in-cheek.

CelticPromise Sat 06-Apr-13 19:02:31

He sounds like an arsehole. You don't have to put up with it! I wouldn't be stopping at annoyed, I'd be asking him to leave.

He's putting you down all the time, does he ever accept that you're right or see your point of view?

Angelico Sat 06-Apr-13 19:08:56

I don't actually understand why you're with this man. Sorry OP. You've had a shit week but maybe it will help clarify what a twunt he is.

Start making an exit plan. This man won't change. Don't let your DS grow up thinking this is normal. You owe more to yourself and your DS than you do to this prick.

Mouseyinmyhousey Sat 06-Apr-13 19:24:15

Ah for some reason I thought that there was an age two plus. Well I have got some in but p didn't realise that.

He's text saying that if I say sorry maybe he'll come back. I said he's the only one who can't see how horrible it was to bugger off out all day leaving me to the house in such a state his response was f off and its my fault ds is ill for cuddling him and I must have wanted him to get ill. Just gets nicer doesn't it.

I'm just trying to make the most of the peace and quiet and rest while I think what to do next.

Undertone Sat 06-Apr-13 21:20:19

Oh for crying out loud - just end this terrible relationship. He sounds horrible and that he doesn't even like you at all. How bloody depressing would it be to know that every day for the rest of your life would be with this man? You've given him a chance to change, he hasnt, so get rid.

cees Sat 06-Apr-13 21:37:51

He is a prick, plain and simply, normal caring loving partners do not act like that. Save your son from growing up with that pig in his home and find the strength to kick him out before your child is damaged by this nasty selfish man.

LemonPeculiarJones Sat 06-Apr-13 21:40:37

He's just awful. You know that. Why agonise any more? What's the point?

Don't drag it out any longer.

Mouseyinmyhousey Sat 06-Apr-13 21:47:24

Why can't he see how horrible he's being? sad

I didn't know if I was being ott but the responses here and his attitude since have confirmed to me I'm not.

MrsBombastic Sat 06-Apr-13 21:50:16

I think he sounds like a selfish, deluded, spoilt prick!

If you can get rid of him do it.

With an attitude like that he's no good to you or DS.

SanityClause Sat 06-Apr-13 21:58:36

You have to say sorry before he will come back?

Well, that's easy, then......

Fairenuff Sat 06-Apr-13 23:05:00

I did tell him last time it was his last chance


Why did you say that op?

You clearly don't mean it.

No wonder he doesn't take any notice of you if keep saying things you don't mean.

This man doesn't care for you at all. But you know that, don't you?

clam Sat 06-Apr-13 23:58:41

Let me get this right, he seriously thinks that you can pick up a flu virus by not being able to wash longer hair properly and moving a fridge? And he doesn't understand that Calpol/paracetamol/ibuprofen etc.. can help bring a temperature down and relieve symptoms?
Well, if you are "making him out to be thick and taking the piss out of him." I don't blame you, to be honest. That's how he's coming across.

DoctorAnge Sun 07-Apr-13 00:08:02

He sounds like a total looser. Your poor son.
Can you not just boot him out and spend some time bonding with your little boy?

ChasedByBees Sun 07-Apr-13 00:19:28

Horrible horrible man. LTB.

deliasmithy Sun 07-Apr-13 00:31:27


This man is giving Dads a bad name at the mo.

His text indicates he needs a bit longer to think about things.

whethergirl Sun 07-Apr-13 00:42:13

Mousey nothing you could say about him would change my mind about the fact that he is a horrible person, and as for the flu theory stuff - I don't what to make of it. Either he has got some kind of OCD thing going on or another mental health disorder or he really is very stupid.

Not even on my worse of the worst PMT days (and I can be a deranged bitch) would I blame my ds, or anyone he had cuddled, for being ill. When either me or ds are ill, we still cuddle, it can't be avoided! Nor would I think about anything else except getting medicine for my ds if he needed it. And I couldn't sit there having a soak while my poor ds was vomiting. Nor could I make anyone sleep with a wet duvet on them.

He is seriously lacking in empathy, and I don't think it's normal.

Mouseyinmyhousey Sun 07-Apr-13 13:28:19

He's still being vile. As far as he's concerned I'm the one who should be saying sorry.

He said he's still ill and I need to just get on with it like he is.

I'm feeling really shit I can't believe he's acting like this he was nice as pie going back 8 weeks promising everything would change. He's still saying it's my fault ds is ill and he reckons he does more than a lot of blokes would do.

I noticed a mole had developed a red spot and today appears to have crusted over, I mentioned that said I'm worried I've Bern told there's nothing wrong with it and I'm being stupid.

Loulybelle Sun 07-Apr-13 13:42:10

Sorry Mousey, but he will never change, hes just not emotional at all.

Also a crusted over mole, is a cause of concern, get it checked.

Sorry OP he wasn't changed he just managed to behave himself for the last 8 weeks and now he's himself again.
Get that mole checked at the Doctors ASAP.

flippinada Sun 07-Apr-13 19:37:37

You're not being oversensitive, he sounds like a thoroughly unpleasant man.

Ditto others who have commented on the getting flu from washing your hair and not taking paracetamol etc. He's either got some mental health condition or he really is thick as mince.

Mouseyinmyhousey Sun 07-Apr-13 19:39:19

I'm going to make an appointment tomorrow. It looked like a red spot next to the mole Fri and now it has crusted over. P just said I'm being stupid and its just a spot on a mole apparently he gets them all the time.

I'm really fed up starting to wonder if its just me, he's still adamant that he's done nothing wrong. He hasn't even come back is at his mum, said he will tomorrow to get his stuff for work and have a chat.

flippinada Sun 07-Apr-13 19:39:38

The comment about your late aunt is just disgusting.

I'm reminded of when my lovely gran died and my XP couldn't be bothered coming to the funeral because he was too busy at work.

Angelico Sun 07-Apr-13 19:40:12

Get shot of him. Good luck.

flippinada Sun 07-Apr-13 19:40:17

Lovely, its really not you. He's a thoroughgoing arse.

expatinscotland Sun 07-Apr-13 19:45:42

'He's text saying that if I say sorry maybe he'll come back. I said he's the only one who can't see how horrible it was to bugger off out all day leaving me to the house in such a state his response was f off and its my fault ds is ill for cuddling him and I must have wanted him to get ill. Just gets nicer doesn't it.'

I'd tell him not to bother, just to get to fuck and come back for his clothes.

RemoteControlledChaos Sun 07-Apr-13 19:48:34

It's not you!! Please don't think it's you.

Mouseyinmyhousey Sun 07-Apr-13 19:49:37

I really wasn't sure if I was expecting too much. Had it just been myself ill I'd have not batted an eyelid but being ill plus ill and vomitting child and house in a tip has been hard going.

And as I say it's not the first time, in fact its almost as though there's been a concious effort to avoid being around if one or both of us is sick.

Mouseyinmyhousey Sun 07-Apr-13 19:57:24

Something else he said which I thought was really off.

He told me he'd been sick twice. I said I thought it was only once. He said it was twice but he didn't tell me as the first time he'd been sick in the sink and hadn't cleaned it as in bleached it. I said that was disgusting as ds washes his hands and face in the sink. He then said he was only joking. I asked why he would joke and he said because he wanted me to think her been sick more than once.

I don't even know if he really was or not but really don't understand why he'd do or say that.

DippyDoohDahDay Sun 07-Apr-13 20:27:57

Hi op. have just checked back in. He is a head fuck. He has you doubting yourself over things that you know are not ok and then telling you that your behaviour is at fault.
On your last thread, did no one tell you to read Lundy Bancroft 'why does he do that?: inside the minds of angry and controlling men'. Please, get on amazon and order a copy, ASAP. Then highlight every sentence that rings true. Then take notice. I did. I hated splitting my family up, but I much more hated the idea of my sons growing up with his behaviours and values.

Mouseyinmyhousey Sun 07-Apr-13 20:38:56

No but I'll download it, have heard of it before.

I know how I feel about it but just can't help wondering if it was worth the fallout.

Walkacrossthesand Sun 07-Apr-13 21:17:28

How about 'the only chat we need to have now is about the details of our split - see you tomorrow!'

sipofwine Sun 07-Apr-13 21:31:16

I can only add to what everyone else is saying but feel compelled to join in anyway!! He sounds like an arsey little child with absolutely no empathy. The way he lay in the bath whilst your son was covered in vomit smacks of someone who is selfish and, well, an idiot. I hope you are strong enough to end this relationship once and for all - particularly for your son's sake. He deserves to live happily with his mum.

LewisFan Sun 07-Apr-13 21:37:23

he's abusive.

you need to get him out of your house and lives before he does lasting damage to your children and yourself.

"I'll change" is one of the most classic lines - they will change as you found out - for a very short time and then they'll slowly revert to type.

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