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Am I being unreasonable about this?

(40 Posts)
feelingresentful Wed 03-Apr-13 16:34:27

Namechanged for this; the shame. DP and I moved in together 3 months ago - and you're going to tell me that I should have done my due diligence before doing so, and I agree. Blinded by love, bla bla, stupid stupid, I understand I am lying in the bed I made.

He hasn't told most of his family about me yet. He told his parents he was 'seeing someone' but not that we live together - they are worriers, apparently, and he is going through issues with his ex (who doesn't sound stable) and his kids. I wasn't involved in their break-up, but it's something that from what he says is still raw in his ex and kids' mind - breakup was instigated by him. I understand his point, but how long am I expected to wait on this? A year? Two years??

So his parents don't know about me. His ex and kids don't. His brother does, but none of his other siblings - his friends know and I've met them, but not met the brother.

On the flipside I've introduced him to my mum and my DC see him regularly, plus my ex is fully aware of my new relationship. I feel I had to strong-arm him into telling his parents he wsa even seeing someone, and that I have integrated him into my life, but not vice versa. I thought he would tell them once things had settled down with his ex but she continues not to settle, and I think he's too scared to.

He makes sense when he says his ex and kids will find the idea of me upsetting (and actually I believe that his ex would make it very difficult for him to see their kids out of spite, if she heard he was in a new relationship, hence my quietitude so far), but tbh in that case I don't feel he should be in a relationship - he's living a double life. I love him very much but I want a relationship that doesn't make me feel like a dirty secret.

It's making me really resent him. I don't want to give up on our relationship as he's a good DP and makes me happy 99% of the time but then I think if he was a 'good DP' I wouldn't be a secret to his family - if you're living with someone your parents should have met them, right??

AIBU? And obviously, WWYD?

Fluxedo Wed 03-Apr-13 16:36:18

How long have you been together?

squeakytoy Wed 03-Apr-13 16:42:29

So you havent even met any of his family?

Are you sure he is even telling you the truth?

I certainly wouldnt have moved in with someone without knowing much more about them. If he is living with you, then obviously your DC (if they also live with you) see him regularly.. and you know next to nothing about him. Worrying.

Fluxedo Wed 03-Apr-13 16:44:27

Because if you've been together less than 6 months then I would say it's fair enough to wait until he's secure in the relationship before introducing you to his family, especially his kids. But then, if he wasn't secure in the relationship then he shouldn't have moved in with you.

feelingresentful Wed 03-Apr-13 16:44:55

A year. Whirlwind romance. I'm stupid - I am completely aware that I've done a stupid thing getting involved with someone who isn't sorted ... I accept people are going to tell me I should never have gone there, but it's too late and I just need to fix this mess. I truly believed (and to a major extent still believe, though the doubts are creeping in) that this was the man I was going to marry.

I naively thought he'd sort out access, ex would get over things and move on and we'd be happy. Before we lived together I understood him not telling his family a lot more, it's good to be cautious ... I thought things would change once we 'committed', but they haven't.

Now I'm starting to suspect that we have different ideas of committment, and also what living an 'honest life' is. To me it's scary that he can lie for such an extended period of time - makes me worry that maybe he's lying to me. How would I know.

Fluxedo Wed 03-Apr-13 16:45:23

And obviously, you shouldn't have moved in with someone when there's such a huge issue that needs resolving, but you know that!

MirandaWest Wed 03-Apr-13 16:45:41

How long have you been going out with him?

Fluxedo Wed 03-Apr-13 16:45:44

sorry, x-post OP.

Fluxedo Wed 03-Apr-13 16:46:59

Right, a year. I'd move out and move on if I were you.

squeakytoy Wed 03-Apr-13 16:47:30

How old are YOUR children?

MirandaWest Wed 03-Apr-13 16:49:16

I can understand not having met his parents (I've been going out with my bf nearly a year and haven't met his mum) but not existing as far as his ex and his DC are concerned sounds a little odd. Where does he see his DC if he's living with you?

feelingresentful Wed 03-Apr-13 16:49:18

squeakytoy - that's my worry. I've met enough of his friends and work colleagues that I know his life isn't a lie iyswim, and had done before we moved in together. When we moved in I was meeting new friends pretty regularly, went to a friend's wedding with him etc so it felt like we were getting closer to 'full disclosure'.

But now ... I don't know. We had an argument on Monday night (fuelled by this issue) and then last night he said ex had decided to stay with a friend so he was going to sleep over there to look after the kids. No phone call, a text. Texted me after midnight to see if I was still awake - I wasn't. Called this morning, straight to voicemail. Eventually called him from work (he has day off today) and he had just got up.

Sorry, that was a drip-feed - it was the instigation for my post essentially.

feelingresentful Wed 03-Apr-13 16:52:18

Ha, Fluxedo, I do know that. Sigh. I don't think I'm at the moving out stage - I think if he pulls his finger out and sees the effect this is having (and will have, when his kids find out he's been lying!), it can get back on track. But I don't like feeling this way so if things continue, days are numbered.

Squeakytoy - mine are 3 and 5. Old enough to have a connection, which is why I worry so much.

He takes his kids for dinner, cinema etc and then delivers them home at bedtime usually. Or if ex is away for a weekend will go over there and stay - that happens rarely.

So been there and done that!
I finally finished after on/off for over 2 years and still I hadn't met any of his family or kids.
From my experience, I'd say get out now before you waste any more of your life.
The excuses will keep coming and the resentment will build.
He will tell you he will introduce you, but there will be things that get in the way etc....
Seriously - trust me on this one!!!

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 03-Apr-13 16:52:33

You don't have to know that he's lying to you. All that matters is that you are really uncomfortable with what has already emerged. You are unhappy with things and feel you've been sold a pup ... that's all you need to know & it's perfectly valid.

'Whirlwind romances' are often engineered by people that don't want you to have too much time to stop and think clearly about the real them. They want you nicely netted so that you can't get away too easily when you discover the true extent of the problem.

Men who try to make exes out to be bunny-boiling nutters are also to be given a wide berth IME.

I think you'd be doing the wrong thing to try to fix stuff that is not of your making from within the relationship. If his ex and his kids would find you 'upsetting' that's entirely his problem... not yours. How easy would it be for you to move back out?

squeakytoy Wed 03-Apr-13 16:53:30

Sounds to me like there are a lot of unresolved issues with his "ex" too.

Be prepared for him moving back out again, or tell him to leave. sad

How long have you been together?

How long after starting this relationship did you move in together?

Did you both move into a new place together or did one of you move into the other person's house?

In what way is his ex not 'settling down' and in what way would she continue not to 'settle' if she knew about you? What does that even mean?

I would be very wary if I were you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 03-Apr-13 16:54:00

"last night he said ex had decided to stay with a friend so he was going to sleep over there to look after the kids. No phone call, a text"

Don't waste your life being someone else's afterthought...

feelingresentful Wed 03-Apr-13 16:55:16

God it looks bad written down. Really bad.

Cogito I have savings, I could move. I have half the deposit I'd need to get back but I can afford to just move.

I want to give him a chance to make it right first, however. If, like hellsbells says, all I get are excuses and arguments and accusations, that's when I know it's not worth continuing, right? I feel I should be valuing myself more than that.

Fluxedo Wed 03-Apr-13 16:55:33

I can see why he might think it's easier to keep you all separate, but that really is cowardly and very disrespectful to your feelings (and to his own family and children tbh). I'd be very wary.

izzyizin Wed 03-Apr-13 16:57:00

How ex is his ex? When did they split up? Are they divorced, how often does he see his dc and where does this contact take place?

Where was he living before he moved in with you?

sorry I was slow to post.

I think the only thing you can do now is talk to him again, without it turning into a row, and find out exactly why you haven't met his family yet and when he is planning on introducing you.

After a year at least his ex should have 'settled down' to the fact that they are no longer together.

feelingresentful Wed 03-Apr-13 16:57:45

TBH I don't think he'll get back together with the ex ... well, how do I now, I thought a lot of things. I just feel so ... horrible in myself. Secondhand.

Going onto mobile now so please excuse short messages/typos. Taking all of your comments on board. DP and I have a talk later so I feel better knowing that other people find this situation not just undesirable, but suspicious.

coppertop Wed 03-Apr-13 17:01:03

Everything you think you know about his ex (she'll be upset by you, she'd stop him seeing his children, she's unstable) is purely from what your dp has told you.

He's keeping a very careful distance between you and anyone who might be in a position to tell you a different story about what's really been happening.

Even if everything he's been telling you is 100% true, it still comes down to one thing - your feelings are being put waaaaaay down on his list of priorities here. Everyone else's feelings are being spared at the expense of your own.

and how do you know his ex had gone out and that was why he was staying there?

And how old are his kids exactly?

AnyFucker Wed 03-Apr-13 17:02:53

You haven't "made your bed"

You can hop right out of it any time you like

You simply choose not to...instead putting your faith in a proven liar and deceiver

He's not going to repay that trust and faith if he hasn't done it by now. How much longer are you going to leave it...until your small children have never known any different ?

cjel Wed 03-Apr-13 17:15:14

Hope you have a good talk, don't let him tell you that you are unreasonable or difficult. stay calm and focusedx

feelingresentful Wed 03-Apr-13 18:44:49

Hi All,

Just got home after a hellish journey and am taking time to read through the rest of these posts - thank you everyone for your thoughts, it's been really helpful.

overmydeadbody I don't know that, you're right! And last night was the first night I thought, "You could be anywhere..." to the point where this morning I grilled him on the film he went to see with his DC, etc. The film was on where he said it was etc so I'm placated, for now.

But yes, I do now sense that there's a distance between myself and anyone who knows him on more than a friendship level - and of course friendship is a thing you can PR.

I don't know whether he is oblivious to how wrongly he is going about things, thinks it's the best way, or simply finds it easier than the inevitable confrontation. But it isn't working.

He'll be home at 9 or so ...I'm going to lay out the situation and how it makes me feel. He can choose to do what he wants about my feelings, no ultimatums. But if his choice (i.e. his immediate reaction, this evening) is not for me to meet his brother and parents - we are at that stage, if he has been truthful about his feelings and given we're living together I don't think it's too much to ask - and for him to let his ex and DC know, then it's over. I won't sit here and be made a bloody fool out of, it just grates at me. Mostly it grates that he might have pooled the wool over my eyes, fgs.

I do love him, so very much, but I can't like him right at this moment because of this.

feelingresentful Wed 03-Apr-13 18:49:18

AnyFucker just FYI your posts have made me cheer more than once - just realised you posted that.

How long am I going to leave it? If he doesn't have the reaction I'd expect from an essentially decent man in a relationship he values - albeit one who has been a twunt because he's a coward and wants to have his shiny new relationship cake and eat his Dear Old Daddy cake on the other side - then there isn't a relationship, is there, just a liar.

So ... until tonight. I'll update tomorrow. Thanks for the kick up the arse, guys, and the advice.

AnyFucker Wed 03-Apr-13 18:57:34

Good luck, and you sound lovely, btw

You might love him, but it doesn't mean you should compromise what you know is right.

Jux Wed 03-Apr-13 20:15:30

Good luck. You deserve better than this, so really hope he comes up trumps.

feelingresentful Wed 03-Apr-13 20:27:56

He called ... home in about 15 minutes ... he sounds nervous. Good.

Can't believe that after our argument I sent him an email (knowing he was with DC and not wanting to disturb) letting him know that I took responsibility for my part in it (even though it was his doing but it's not about blame bla bla), and bought him bloody expensive smoked salmon - untouched seeing as he didn't come home. Might feed it to the foxes if this goes badly.

Ahem, anyway. Sorry. Will have a wine and calm down.

cjel Wed 03-Apr-13 20:36:05

stay strong. enjoy the wine - but not too much so you have all loved up goggles on!!

coppertop Wed 03-Apr-13 20:39:30

Good luck with the talk.

DontmindifIdo Wed 03-Apr-13 20:48:55

good luck.

3 months is long enough to have given it, you can take your DCs elsewhere, remove him from their lives, you could go back to dating (but dating so he doesn't get to come to your house and see your DCs) until he's ready to show he wants you to be part of his life then he gets to be part of yours.

AThingInYourLife Wed 03-Apr-13 20:49:19

You can't leave your children in the position of being this guy's dirty little secret.

I'm a little bit horrified you have put them in this position.

Fluxedo Wed 03-Apr-13 21:01:23

Good luck OP. Eat all the salmon yourself smile

Jux Wed 03-Apr-13 22:00:37

Good luck op. Hope you're OK.

feelingresentful Thu 04-Apr-13 13:42:03

Turns out nobody ate the salmon.

It went well ... I think ... though I'm still left feeling alternately loving and full of rage towards DP. He came home looking absolutely exhausted - had taken two days off work to be with his kids during the Easter holidays, and it hadn't gone well - to the point I felt a bit bad having another stressful conversation with him.

But we had it - he was initially defensive, kept trying to make excused and then admitting that they were just excuses because with everything going on, me meeting his family haven't been his first priority. In his mind he isn't 'that close' to them, but actually he's as close as anyone is - he readily accepted my feelings on the matter and suggested I meet both his parents and brother asap.

His ex and kids are another issue entirely. He's said that she'll go mental if he tells her and that we just have to wait for her to stabilise - from what he says she hasn't been stable in years and won't be any time soon, so she will just have to deal with her ex moving on - if anything that might help her close off this chapter. I realized he is scared of her. We came to the compromise that she will know but that they will decide on a time to tell his kids - but that they do need to know within the coming months.

I do feel dissatisfied ... mostly the fact that I was forced to have this conversation and I shouldn't have had to. So we'll see - I'm watching and waiting. TBH we are both exhausted, both work 60+ hour weeks and spend as much time as we can with our kids on the side so a lot slips by the wayside in terms of keeping our relationship at 100% ... I think this conversation has reminded him that he still has to try.

AnyFucker Thu 04-Apr-13 16:43:37

Indeed

It sounds like you will have to continue doing all the pushing too

The coming "months" ?

I would want a less vague timescale than that and would not actually be very sympathetic about how "scared" he is of his ex

What does he think she might do exactly ?

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