Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

This doesn't look good does it?

(1000 Posts)
Loserville Tue 02-Apr-13 19:37:33

My dh left for work at 5pm, 10 mins later I get a text from him 'Hi sexy, get your boobs out'. I just replied with a ? And had no reply.

He never sends text like that to me thank god so I'm thinking it was meant for someone else. Why send me a text like that after just leaving the house 10 minutes before.

It looks suspicious doesn't it? Or else it's a pathetic attempt at spicing things up confused

CandlestickOlder Tue 02-Apr-13 19:38:44

Oh dear hmm

It's certainly very odd

kinkyfuckery Tue 02-Apr-13 19:39:11

The fact that he hasn't replied since makes me think it's more suspicious.

When is he due home? Do you usually talk/text at all whilst he's at work? Any other signs that he could be playing away from home?

LynetteScavo Tue 02-Apr-13 19:40:00

Ewww...are you sure he's gone to work?

I would so be looking forward to his excuse when he gets home. hmm

sleeton Tue 02-Apr-13 19:46:47

Have you checked to see if he is at work?

Uppatreecuppatea Tue 02-Apr-13 19:47:11

He's just been nicked and is probably shitting himself somewhere.

I also can't help but comment that he sounds like a real charmer. hmm

Poor you!

even if that is spicing things up then it doesn't look good grin

But seriously...I'd be trying to find out whatever I could. Has he been protective of his phone/laptop/computer?

Late from work/going to extra meeting etc? Has he seemed normal lately?

Hope you're ok brew

Loserville Tue 02-Apr-13 19:48:59

No clues to say he has been playing away at all. His workmate picked him up in work vehicle so I know he's at work. He's only doing a 4 hour shift so due home just after 9pm. I personally wouldn't have thought he had time to be cheating tbh but I just don't get this text.

And yes the fact he didn't reply is making me even more suspicious.

Loserville Tue 02-Apr-13 19:50:28

And my initial thought at get your boobs out was ewww too! Even if it was meant for me. Yuck.

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Tue 02-Apr-13 19:50:28

Are you sure it was him that text you and not one of his "hilarious" workmates playing a joke?

CandlestickOlder Tue 02-Apr-13 19:51:42

He'll have the next few hours to think of an excuse so get ready for a wave of bullshittery.

In the meantime I'd start going through his stuff looking for any clues of adultery.

I suppose - maybe - this could be an in joke amongst guy friends. Referring to a mate's man boobs or something. And texting him if picking him up or something? As in 'I'm on my way, see you in five'. Because it's a bloody horrible 'flirty' line. But strange he hasn't responded.

Loserville Tue 02-Apr-13 19:52:17

He's not particularly protective of his phone. He plays some pool game on it but that's it really.

Do you plan on just asking him straight out when he gets back?

You can usually tell a lot from their initial fumbling for excuses/cover ups (if they are lying).

Sorry you're having such a shaky evening. I can't imagine how unnerving that has to be. Wasn't the nicest of texts either!!

Cheeky git could at least reply hmm

CostaTen Tue 02-Apr-13 19:52:37

Sorry but people always find the time if they want to cheat.

No doubt that this text was meant for someone else. So sorry OP.

ohtobecleo Tue 02-Apr-13 19:52:37

What's the bet he comes home with a been cooking up for the last four hours excuse that one of his workmates was playing a trick on him with his phone.

Hope it turns out to be innocent but it doesn't look good sad

tillyann2013 Tue 02-Apr-13 19:55:29

If this was my dh, I would automatically presume it was a joke by one of his mates. He might not even know about it?.. Or am I too trusting?

Loserville Tue 02-Apr-13 19:55:48

I felt sick when I read it. I'm just going to ask him straight out about it. No point beating about the bush hopefully he's not been beating about someone else's bush

Things is, most people who'd genuinely been texting a friend as a joke or whatever would've instantly replied to say something along the lines of woops, sorry, followed by brief explanation...otherwise of course it looks dodgy.

This lack of reply is what's weird about it. He must know how that sounds...

So I would prepare for a wave of BS & a dismissive afterword or even an attempt to make out it was nothing & to stop overthinking things etc.

Hope we're wrong for your sake though! I'd just be cautious, to say the least.

^but if it was a joke to one of your friends...and your DP texted you with '?' surely you'd want to very quickly clear it up and explain so they're not stewing, as OP obviously was? It's all a tad weird from an outisde point of view to be honest...

CandlestickOlder Tue 02-Apr-13 20:03:00

I think there is plenty of doubt! It could be completely innocent. Hope it is OP smile

Loserville Tue 02-Apr-13 20:03:20

His workmate was driving the van so wouldn't be able to text, I thought of that. Just need to wait and see what he has to say about it.

I'm sorry to post this, but, I know a man, a relative in fact who is cheating. He leaves in the work van with the 'boys' they drop him off and pick him up. The deal is whenever each gets a woman lined up (they work in houses fitting kitchens, so on estates where they'll be working for a few weeks) the other boys will cover and get the extra work done. They're all in on it and sickeningly go on holidays as families when at home with their wivessad I told one of the wives once and was shot as a messenger, not believed and now they hate me.
They always find time to cheat, and men are often wiling to cover for each othersad
Good luck tonight.

digerd Tue 02-Apr-13 20:06:28

Would he have already arrived at work in 10 minutes or still be in the car with his mate?

tillyann2013 Tue 02-Apr-13 20:09:44

I really don't think it sounds dodgy at all, his phone fell out of his pocket, he went to shop. His mate found it and thought it was be hilarious to text his wife, like a teenage boy would! Hope it's this scenario op and nowt else. X

Maybe83 Tue 02-Apr-13 20:09:48

No doesn't sound good at all does he have on line mobile billing or account registered I d be logging on or demanding he does when he comes home to show me his call txt history...

marriedinwhiteagain Tue 02-Apr-13 20:09:51

Could he have lost his phone? Have you tried ringing him or going to his workplace? Really hoping there's a sensible and true explanation.

digerd Tue 02-Apr-13 20:12:24

ps
when you got the text.

Coconutty Tue 02-Apr-13 20:12:51

Bit odd, sounds like something a 13YO boy would send.

Lavenderhoney Tue 02-Apr-13 20:13:02

What work does he do? Could he be texting someone as a joke he works with?

If he hasn't sent you the text ( workmate whilst driving or someone else they collected grabbed the wrong phone or another tenuous excuse) then he would have received one saying ? From you which he has ignored either because he hasn't noticed or he thinks it can wait til later as he doesn't have a clue what you mean.

Well, I suppose you will be able to look at his phone when he gets back unless he has deleted all the evidence. Look at any names above and below yours, plus some bills are itimised. Have a look at any SMS logged ones when he is working?

I got something like this once and it was pathetic watching my then bf trying to wiggle out of it. I am not the sharpest pixie in the forest but even I knew he was shining me on. Hope it's nothing though.

CostaTen Tue 02-Apr-13 20:16:39

I think it's the fact that he hasn't texted or phoned with an explanation after you replied that makes it sound more suspicious.

tungthai Tue 02-Apr-13 20:26:03

When I worked in a male environment the females were subjected to these type of comments all the time, it was hideous.

My bil indulges in sexist banter on fb telling his female colleagues to make sure they bake cakes and wear a low cut top when they are working his shift.

I think your dh is probably a sexist pig, I don't necessarily think he is cheating.

feel free to come and chat about what happens later OP.
I hope it goes ok & he has a bloody good reason for ignoring your follow up text (that wasn't because he shat himself & spent the next few hours panicking) brew

Fairenuff Tue 02-Apr-13 20:55:38

You don't seem overly bothered op, has this happened before?

If it were me, I would be on the phone speaking to him as soon as possible.

maleview70 Tue 02-Apr-13 20:58:31

He might not have replied as it might not be him who sent it and therefore he doesn't even know you have read it and replied. His phone may be off or in the van.

If it was me having a bit on the side and I sent this to my wife by mistake and then realised, I would have thought of an excuse and replied straight away.

It is also possible he was texting a mate. Men are stupid when it comes to work pranks etc. It's the sort of thing a mate of mine would send.

to be honest I'd have called him when he ignored it, to check that it was just something stupid so I didn't start wondering about it...

Loserville Tue 02-Apr-13 21:16:52

Fairenuff, I am bothered but just not trying to get myself worked up. Nothing like this has happened before, been married for 10 years, 3 children. No problems or issues that I'm aware of.

Isn't he meant to be home by now OP?

Have you tried ringing?

MrsSpagBol Tue 02-Apr-13 21:21:33

OP is he home yet. flowers

It's not looking any better if he's late home too.

Hope you're alright OP brew

Ahhhcrap Tue 02-Apr-13 21:25:41

No it doesn't look good.. Especially because he hasn't responded....

Maybe his mates have nicked his phone, or it could be something below the belt.

Coconutty Tue 02-Apr-13 21:28:12

Well, where the fuck is he then?

Hope you're having a chat & are getting a decent honest answer thanks

Loserville Tue 02-Apr-13 21:39:50

He was due to finish at 9pm, 20 minute drive home so he's late. Tried calling but phone unavailable. The phone signal for Vodafone is shitty here at times so won't jump to conclusions just yet. Sometimes he works over the time he's meant to finish.

Ok, well I hope you're not stweing too bad & are just keeping calm til you hear what he's got to say. You'll probably be able to tell if you've been together that long to be honest so I hope it is just a misunderstanding.

OhLori Tue 02-Apr-13 21:42:02

Its just got to be a practical joke OP.

Still :-( for you waiting to find out.

ohtobecleo Tue 02-Apr-13 21:49:00

On the plus side....if the phone reception is shitty he may not have been able to reply to your ? (or he may not even have got it?)

Clutching at straws for you OP.

Verbalpunchbag Tue 02-Apr-13 22:03:29

I've known lads take each others phones and put stupid things on each others fb, never a text though.

specialsubject Tue 02-Apr-13 22:10:09

he forgot his phone, some 'joker' grabbed it and sent the text, then turned it off. Hence you haven't had a reply.

or he left the phone unattended and your response isn't there yet - texts can take 24 hours, happens to me a lot. or he didn't hear it.

at least I hope so. But the fact you have jumped straight on MN to post this indicates all is not well.

VitoCorleone Tue 02-Apr-13 22:10:48

Hope you get to the bottom of it

tillyann2013 Tue 02-Apr-13 22:13:10

I totally agree with you special, the thought wouldn't cross my mind!

Machli Tue 02-Apr-13 22:14:39

My ex sent me a message for someone else by accident, I replied exactly as you did with a '?'. He didn't reply either. Too scared too. Spent hours thinking up some pathetic flimsy excuse. Your OP is ringing a lot of bells for me OP.

Machli Tue 02-Apr-13 22:15:10

To not too

Kione Tue 02-Apr-13 22:29:55

Maybe they do that to each other as jokes? my DP did that on my facebook, well pretending it was me. it was rude but quite funny. I have seen it dont on others. That would explain the ni answer. If ir wasnt for you I think he would have jumped wirh an explanation straight away! or maybe I am naïve.

Kione Tue 02-Apr-13 22:30:34

sorry the typos, touch phone

kinkyfuckery Tue 02-Apr-13 22:33:04

Hope everything is ok OP.

ImperialBlether Tue 02-Apr-13 22:36:57

Do men really do that on other men's phones? Really? Normal men?

Kione Tue 02-Apr-13 22:38:26

Maybe not normal, childish ones yeah. I honestly had it once. We where all in a pub and kniw for deffinite it was his mate...

Kione Tue 02-Apr-13 22:39:41

But we where in a pub. Drinking. Not on our way to work...

Hope you are ok.

Loserville Tue 02-Apr-13 23:10:10

Well he's still not home. Got a text saying he has had a call out which will take about 3 hours. I don't know what to think. The nature of his job makes this believable and any other time i'd go to bed without a second thought but my mind is in overdrive. After he text I tried to call but it's just going to voicemail.

sad and angry for you loserville

I'm the least hysterical, drama-llama, LTB poster you'll meet and this reeks to high heaven even to me.

To leave you hanging with no response just smacks of him hiding somewhere trying to get his story straight.

Feck.

Oh shit...

If I were you I'd gather any VIDs (very important documents) and put them somewhere else for safe keeping then try and get as much rest as possible, as you may find you'll need it.

He didn't reply AND he now won't tale your call. I'm sorry you're being left to hang like this thanks

*take

oops

Fairenuff Tue 02-Apr-13 23:18:08

Ah shit.

That's not good at all.

Don't know what your relationship is like but if I received that text I would have bombarded dh with calls and texts until he replied.

It would be so out of character for him not to be in touch. Even if it is just mates messing around, he would still answer my calls.

Fairenuff Tue 02-Apr-13 23:19:46

It's funny how you can receive a text but he can't hmm

Oh hell no, his behaviour means he damn well got the questioning text hmm

Unless it's standard for him to work super late, when he has kids & be unavailable by phone in case of emergencies...

TheCraicDealer Tue 02-Apr-13 23:22:51

God love you OP. Wouldn't be surprised if he's with the person he meant to send that text to deciding what his next course of action is.

I'd be tempted (although whether I'd have the nous to do it or not..) to just nod and go, "ok, yeah. What do you want for your tea?" when he uses whatever crap excuse he's prepared. Then he'll let his guard down, because clearly he's an idiot and thinks he's got away with it. This gives you more time to decide what you want to do, and to gather more evidence if separation is the way it's going. Give him enough rope to hang himself.

If it were me I'd have tried to bluff it out by going, "yeah love, it's been ages, can't wait to see you later when the kids are in bed" or something equally "romantic". So be prepared for that shit!

Loserville Tue 02-Apr-13 23:24:43

Normally I'd call and text until he answered but the kids have been playing up tonight. I text him telling him to call me straight away but nothing yet. As the minutes past with no contact it makes me think he's up to no good.

QOD Tue 02-Apr-13 23:28:13

Bugger
Doesn't sound good

You ok?

he knows what you want him to call about, that's (probably) why.

I'd just keep my game face on until I'd uncovered enough of what was going on to make a move. It may not be as awful as all that but it certainly looks dodgy from the outside & it wouldn't hurt to get all your paperwork in order in case he has the same idea. Horribly way to think but it pays to be careful, worst thing that could happen is it's all some keraaaazy misunderstanding & he'll never know you 'prepared' for that situation.

Hope you're ok. My stomach would be doing knots & I'd want to lock the bloody door thanks

*horrible

Loserville Tue 02-Apr-13 23:32:02

I'm ok thanks,thinking about having to get up at 6am, take kids to childminder and do an 8 hour shift. I'm just getting more angry at him not replying. It's so selfish regardless of what he is up to.

tightfortime Tue 02-Apr-13 23:35:23

Your gut's screaming at you, isn't it?

Why didn't he clear this up straight away if it was a genuine piss take by a mate or whatever. He's buying time.

Be interesting to see what excuse he crawls home with but I'd do as others say, get prepared, stay mad but calm.

1985Caz Tue 02-Apr-13 23:37:53

Poor you OP, this does seem bad.

Prepare a surprise party for when he returns later? wink

Sorry. Couldn't help myself!!! blush

Loserville Tue 02-Apr-13 23:39:31

Yeah my gut is telling me what I don't want to hear. Prepare for the worst is the best way at this moment. I keep thinking what reason would I be happy with? If he says his mate text as a joke, would I believe him. I need to see his reaction , I'll know straight away if he's lying I think.

(And no wonder you're angry. It's a selfish way to behave at the best of times. If he has done anything he could at least show a little respect) wine

^ totally agree.

You'll know when he looks you in the eye or can't whether its the truth & I would have a gut feeling that he's putting that off because it's very hard to lie convincingly in that situation.

CookieB Tue 02-Apr-13 23:45:31

What grown men send a msg like this as joke?. My dp sends me texts like this all the time on the way home which are reciprocated because after 11 yrs & 2 dc later we have still got a great sex life. There is nothing funny about this at all. I'd think the worst but that's just my opinion. Hoping it is a joke in bad taste for you op.

shock

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Tue 02-Apr-13 23:55:39

Even if it is just a joke are you going to believe him? Sounds like your mind is made up. It might be an honest mistake you know. I'm really hoping it is. But now you've sat and stewed for a few hours you're probably not ready to listen. Don't kill him just yet, you don't know what is going on. At least see what he has to say and then decide if you believe him. Good luck.

Cuddlydragon Wed 03-Apr-13 00:02:05

Good luck, I really hope you get an acceptable explanation.

Loserville Wed 03-Apr-13 00:07:38

Well I've gathered all important documents just incase. Can't believe I'm doing this but worst case scenario and all that. His phone is just ringing out now.

Loserville Wed 03-Apr-13 00:08:59

Meant to say, thanks for all advice/opinions. Been a good help.

LittleEdie Wed 03-Apr-13 00:09:26

So, if he was at work does that mean he was asking someone to send him pics maybe? So might not be a 'full' affair. Or maybe it was a joke to a friend? Surely he would have texted to explain if it was innocent though.

StuntGirl Wed 03-Apr-13 00:13:18

Impressed at how organised and calm you're being loserville. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst and all that.

I think it sounds like he's hoping you'll be asleep in bed by the time he comes home, so if he can just ignore you and avoid you 'til tomorrow you'll forget about it. Deluded fool.

MrsSpagBol Wed 03-Apr-13 00:45:20

"I think it sounds like he's hoping you'll be asleep in bed by the time he comes home, so if he can just ignore you and avoid you 'til tomorrow you'll forget about it. Deluded fool."

have to say I agree with this. What does he think the point of staying out late and not communicating with you is?

I did wonder earlier, why, if you sent such a text (mistake or not) you wouldn't rush to clear it up as soon as possible. If it was my DH I'd expect him to rush home and clear it all up asap. I appreciate that maybe he can't just leave work. But to not ring you is just very very very rude and smacks of guilt/trying to figure out what to say.

Even if it was a joke, why not just ring you? Surely he can see how that text would be construed and that joke or not he needs to reassure you.

I am really upset on your behalf.

Hope you manage to rest tonight.

Isabeller Wed 03-Apr-13 00:51:50

Been lurking and wishing for things to turn out better than so far looks likely, hope this thread helps give you the strength you need to deal with whatever comes next. x Is

Hope it all works out for you OP

HootShoot Wed 03-Apr-13 07:23:37

Did he contact you at all last night before he got home? I hope he had a good explanation for you.

HootShoot Wed 03-Apr-13 07:24:01

Did he contact you at all last night before he got home? I hope he had a good explanation for you.

chubbymomie2012 Wed 03-Apr-13 07:30:04

Oh gosh, this sounds suspicious indeed. i am the queen of wishful thinking and tend to give everyone the benefit of the doubt but id be worried+++ if i were you. Did he come home? whatbdid he say?

saffronwblue Wed 03-Apr-13 07:39:52

Good luck, OP.

Kione Wed 03-Apr-13 07:43:51

I really hope everything turns out ok, but doesnt look good sad

toffeelolly Wed 03-Apr-13 07:43:52

How did it go?

Notsoblonde Wed 03-Apr-13 07:49:56

Good luck op, hope he is home and you have had a good explanation for all of this.

fiddlemethis Wed 03-Apr-13 07:59:45

Hope you are ok OP, how many children do you have?

fedupofnamechanging Wed 03-Apr-13 07:59:52

If I were you, I'd be going through the history on the computer and if you know the passwords log into his fb and Skype and see what you discover.

AThingInYourLife Wed 03-Apr-13 08:01:05

Hope everything is OK this morn

Branleuse Wed 03-Apr-13 08:09:33

In all honesty, id send a message back telling him he was dumped.

If it was a saucy message meant for you, he wouldnt have ignored you afterwards and would have kept it going.
It was a clumsy flirty message meant for a female colleague, or an affair.
The fact hes also going to be "working" an extra 3 hours without any explanation to you, is bullshit. He hasnt even got enough respect to come home and grovel or make an attempt at an excuse.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Wed 03-Apr-13 08:16:39

Sounds like he fucked up and is now burying his head.

Of course his friend didnt send it confused

Op, your dh is obviously flirting with someone else.

I hope you grilled him

QOD Wed 03-Apr-13 08:24:31

Woke up wondering about you
Hope its not him playing away
How awful

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 03-Apr-13 08:40:51

Hope you are ok?

Are you sure he was at work last night? He could have been meeting OW hence the lack of communication....

I woke up thinking about you too.

Hope you're ok OP?

Has he returned?

(I know it sounds horrid but is there any chance he's done a runner)? thanks brew

Shit that's awful. And he must know you got it, so to leave you with no other explanation speaks volumes sad

(I don't mean to make you feel any worse...just sometimes people break things off by 'accidentally' revealing their infidelity then buggering off. I really hope that isn't what he's done & he came home so you could at least talk last night)

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Wed 03-Apr-13 08:57:31

Thinking of you, poor thing. You're handling this amazingly.

Locketjuice Wed 03-Apr-13 08:57:56

Did he return home and explain hmm

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 03-Apr-13 09:01:07

It's an odd message for a friend to send... They are usually embarrassing or funny, not creepy flirty like this one. I can't see friends finding it amusing to text that to a colleagues wife. Plus, the friend was driving.

I hope he got home and was honest, OP. Whatever he's done, you deserve complete honesty, rather than having to wade through all of his bullshit until he runs out of lies.

All the best. I hope work isn't too demanding today.

CostaTen Wed 03-Apr-13 09:12:24

Hope you're ok OP x

VitoCorleone Wed 03-Apr-13 09:16:39

Yes funny how he didnt reply to the '?' text, didnt answer the phone but did have time to text and say he had to work late.

Id be going mental.

VitoCorleone Wed 03-Apr-13 09:20:57

Yes funny how he didnt reply to the '?' text, didnt answer the phone but did have time to text and say he had to work late.

Id be going mental.

ShootingStarsss Wed 03-Apr-13 09:23:04

Hope your ok op?

I do think this looks very suspicious, his behaviour is strange, I hope you have managed to get to the bottom of all this.

Hope work's not too stressfull today with all this going on thanks

Crazycake Wed 03-Apr-13 09:35:33

I hope everything worked out ok thanks

kinkyfuckery Wed 03-Apr-13 09:59:50

thinking of you OP

lottieandmia Wed 03-Apr-13 10:00:41

This doesn't sound good sad I would be going mad if this happened to me.

Coconutty Wed 03-Apr-13 10:06:00

Hope you're okay this morning loser and that there was an honest explanation.

Ruprekt Wed 03-Apr-13 10:11:33

He sounds as guilty as hell! confusedconfused

Fairenuff Wed 03-Apr-13 11:18:32

Texting 10 minutes after leaving would suggest that he is not going to work at all but was setting off to meet another woman. It sounds like a pre-arranged 'date'. A fun way (at least for him) to let her know he's on his way.

He knew he sent it to you by mistake, because you replied and he would have received it straight away, probably thinking it was a suitably saucy reply from the ow.

When he realised his mistake, he went into hiding. He knows that he is caught out red handed and now he has three choices.

1) To deny it and try and talk himself out of it by making up a plausible excuse
2) To confess all and ask for forgiveness, or
3) To decide he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you any more and leave

Unless he came back last night, I'm guessing it's option 3. Sorry OP. (Please change your name though, I don't want to call you 'loser' because you're not).

skyebluesapphire Wed 03-Apr-13 11:27:59

Hope everything is ok.

Jux Wed 03-Apr-13 11:42:08

Hope you're OK. Things do look pretty bleak sad

Thinking of you today - hoping you're ok

mousebacon Wed 03-Apr-13 12:00:21

Hope you're okay, OP. Thinking of you today.

ladyjadie Wed 03-Apr-13 12:21:19

I really hope there is a reason for this that isn't the reason it really really seems like sad

Isabeller Wed 03-Apr-13 12:29:32

Lots of people thinking of you OP, hope you can come back sometime and that you are hanging in there today xx

This is not looking good is it? hmm

forgetmenots Wed 03-Apr-13 12:38:29

Really hope there's a decent explanation for all of this OP but I find his reaction even more fishy than the initial text! Hope you are OK and feeling robust this morning either way brew

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Wed 03-Apr-13 13:00:43

Hope you're ok and it's all been a silly mistake and everything's sorted out now.

flowers flowers flowers

MTBMummy Wed 03-Apr-13 13:41:38

Hope you're ok OP - you have been in my thoughts this morning

Loserville Wed 03-Apr-13 14:22:47

Thanks for your kind thoughts. I'm on lunch break so need to keep it brief.

He got home about 12.30am. Said it was his friend that sent it as a joke, was expecting him to say that tbh. He said he never replied as he didn't want to get embroiled in an argument on the phone hmm

Anyway, to cut a long story short I told him to sleep on the couch as I didn't appreciate that kind of joke or being left hanging like that thinking the worst. He went to sleep leaving his phone in his work bag so decided to have a look. There was a lot of recent calls to a number with no name against it. All the calls were made when I was at work or he was. So, I text the number from his phone saying "hey xx" . A text came back straight away with "hi, this is a surprise, is the wife asleep? Miss you"

I didn't reply. Got up went to work and don't know if I'm coming or going. I need to delve deeper. Lots to sort out when I get home. Definitely not looking good. sad

Got to go just now but thanks again for all advice and kind words.

Oh in sorry sad I think you have your answer

MrsSpagBol Wed 03-Apr-13 14:24:02

So sorry OP (as someone said, please change your username, you are not a loser) - I am so sorry this has happened.

Sending you hugs

WildThong Wed 03-Apr-13 14:26:12

Sorry Op. I have been where you are, horrible.
Keep your dignity, be strong.
flowers

I'm sorry. What a bastard. Stay strong.

VitoCorleone Wed 03-Apr-13 14:30:13

Oh fucking hell, hope you're ok sad

Oh fuck.

I'm so sorry he couldn't just bloody tell you. At least you know for definite. There really is no other explanation, that is what it is thanks

Rindercella Wed 03-Apr-13 14:35:12

Oh that's awful. I am really sorry. Please don't let him talk you round when it is so obvious he is cheating. You sound incredibly together and strong (even if you don't much feel it). You will get through this and come through it better and stronger than ever.

oh no, I have been thinking of you since I read your OP last night. This doesnt look good for your OH at all.

Im sorry. sad

theorchard is right, there really is no explanation other than the obvious one.

newbiefrugalgal Wed 03-Apr-13 14:38:54

I was hoping that would not be your response. What a shit he is.

Why do men do this!! sort out your relationship or leave don't have bloody affairs.

Ahhhcrap Wed 03-Apr-13 14:39:45

Oh so sorry to hear this OP, my heart sank when I read that, goodness knows how you are feeling right now. Please look after yourself

Boosterseat Wed 03-Apr-13 14:49:06

So sorry for you OP - from the "saucy" text you sound well shot of him

'Hi sexy, get your boobs out' - how juvenile hmm

Fucking charmer.

Please take care and keep posting you will get some amazing support here

Coconutty Wed 03-Apr-13 14:50:02

Oh love, sorry to read that. I hope that you are okay.

xx

StrangeDays Wed 03-Apr-13 14:55:50

So sorry this is happening to you.

Say nothing to him until you can get hold of the phone again. Take a screen shot or forward the texts to your number so he can't delete and deny.

Isabeller Wed 03-Apr-13 14:57:08

Really sorry to hear you're going through this. I imagine you must be in shock, hope you can get some RL support xx

Fairenuff Wed 03-Apr-13 14:58:39

He lied to you. He was going to continue cheating and let you feel like you were going mad with suspicion. What could be worse?

He spent the evening with her and told you it was a friend. No guilt. No remorse. He was going to let you suffer.

At least you know for sure now. That will save you a lot of uncetainty. Tell him to come completely clean about it, or you will leave him.

Then leave him anyway.

Oh and you'd better have an sti check, just in case. Sorry OP x

villagegossip Wed 03-Apr-13 15:00:52

So sorry that it's not sounding good sad

Well done you for taking matters into your own hands and catching him out! You have done exactly the right thing.

Look after yourself today and confront him later - what a prick thinking he'd got away with it hmm

sapphirestar Wed 03-Apr-13 15:06:07

Just come back to this hoping there'd be a half decent explanation, so sorry there isn't

What a tosser for leaving you wondering

Hope you are looking after yourself x

MrsTomHardy Wed 03-Apr-13 15:06:10

Think you've found the answer to what's been going on. So sorry!

CheeseandPickledOnion Wed 03-Apr-13 15:06:23

Oh no. Your poor thing.

Time to get organised and get him out.

whatkungfuthat Wed 03-Apr-13 15:07:17

So sorry this has happened. He will know by now about that text, whoever answered is bound to have mentioned it. At least he can cut the bullshit and start telling the truth. I don't know how you had the restraint to not kick him in his stupid head when he was sleeping.

And what he's done isn't really redeemable, as he had no intention of coming clean & would've happily lie to you until whenever. WHo knows how long. Get hi out asap & concentrate on yourself until the worst of it blows over & you can start re-building things for yourself.

So sorry again thanks

*him

Loserville Wed 03-Apr-13 15:09:11

Got off work early. I called him and left a voicemail to pack his stuff. I think I am in shock, I haven't shed one tear. When I think what he has done to the children I feel so angry though. They adore him and now their whole world is about to change. I will never ever understand people who cheat. Why stay in a relationship if you want to be with someone else. I guess having your cake and eating is the thing here.

We had so much planned this year too, I don't know how he was expecting to get away with this set up. Although for all I know, it could have been going on for months!

I should be ok sti wise. I always insist on a condom even though im on the pill.That's something at least..

MTBMummy Wed 03-Apr-13 15:09:36

So sorry that he's confirmed your worst fears - if it helps at all, some of us have been there and it does get better, I promise.

Hugs and hand holding

ShabbyChit Wed 03-Apr-13 15:09:43

I'm so sorry OP, but that text you got back from the number kind of spells it out I think <Un-MN hugs>

CostaTen Wed 03-Apr-13 15:09:59

So sorry OP sad What a tosser!!

We are all here to hold your hand.

He is avoiding you isn't he? Will you see him tonight?

chubbymomie2012 Wed 03-Apr-13 15:18:09

oh no i am so sorry. i know that sickening feeling finding messages on the OH phone. i must say u are very calm. i hope u have someone who can help u through this awful time xx

Well done, you're doing the right thing!!

And when they keep both things going it seems to be an excitement thing. They like the thrill of the OW but want to keep the security/love of the DW. And I'd be fuming on behalf of my kids too...especially my DS! I would be mad that he'd set such a bad example but don't worry about all that. His bed is made & he will lie in it, thankfully not with you!!

(As my DP just said when I read this to him "What a bloody bastard. Fuck him...but not like that, aha).

Hope you're ok thanks

LynetteScavo Wed 03-Apr-13 15:30:32

sad

flowers

Do you have a plan? We are here for you. x

So sorry - been following this thread and the update was gutting.
So many of us have been there and at the beginning it is shock.
You will go through so many other emotions though so be prepared for them.
You are doing the right thing and you are strong.
Once you get through these next few months life will look a whole lot better.
Good luck OP.

HootShoot Wed 03-Apr-13 15:32:35

Im so sorry loserville, you sound so strong, and your kids will get through this because they have such a great mum.

Cherriesarelovely Wed 03-Apr-13 15:34:42

Sorry to hear that OP. What a horrible shock and what an idiot he is throwing it all away like that. You were restrained in not texting something unpleasant to OW! Good on you for being strong and resolved to act. He will not know what has hit him.

Holy fuck what a horrible excuse for a man. So so sorry this has happened to you.

Keep your wits about you as long as you can and get him out x

AllThatGlistens Wed 03-Apr-13 15:37:26

So sorry to hear this OP, what a complete tool!

Take good care of yourself and your children, try to focus on keeping yourself as well as you can, MN is full of wonderful people who are here day and night to talk things over with you as and when you're ready, you're not alone flowers

Loserville Wed 03-Apr-13 15:38:50

The only plan I have is to pack his things. He called to say we need to talk and it's not what I think hmm There's nothing he can say to make me think he's innocent so what's the point?!

The sooner he's gone the sooner I can get on with my life and make things stable and happy for the children. My own dad done the exact same thing and my mum did not cope at all. I need to be strong and focus all my energy on them. They are all that matter.

NotMostPeople Wed 03-Apr-13 15:40:47

So sorry do you have a friend who can be with you today?

Ahhhcrap Wed 03-Apr-13 15:41:14

What a complete shit!! So sorry OP.

StuffezLaBouche Wed 03-Apr-13 15:41:14

What lie is he intending to feed you, I wonder?? God, what a horrible thing to happen. How disgusting that him getting a seedy shag means more to him than his wife and kids.
You sound really strong and focused on protecting your little ones. Sending you best wishes.

ladyjadie Wed 03-Apr-13 15:43:30

That's right, stay strong. So sorry you've had this done to you. You are better than this. And you and your kids deserve more than a life of being driven mad by suspicion, which is all that staying with this shit can offer you now, through no fault of your own.

Hugs,

No Loser, they're not the only things that matter. You do too, especially if you're going to support them. Please don't forget to consider yourself in all of this.

Loserville Wed 03-Apr-13 15:46:33

It's amazing how you can go from loving someone to hating them in the space of hours. I never imagined he could do this. All I have running through my head is all the times he was working late and couldn't come to parents night or school plays, was he with her? Makes me sick to think about it. Choosing another woman over his children is unreal to me.

You need answers, otherwise this is going to eat you up. ANd he owes you answers.

Cherriesarelovely Wed 03-Apr-13 15:49:13

Well done OP, you are so right. You need to think of yourself and your Dcs. Intriguing to imagine how he can explain that away though! It would drive me mad too wondering.

ohtobecleo Wed 03-Apr-13 15:50:01

Keep that anger OP, it will help when he comes with the bullshit excuses.
Good luck.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Wed 03-Apr-13 15:51:30

Well done op, stay strong. You're doing the right thing for you and your dcs. What an utter bastard.

GoodyGumDrop Wed 03-Apr-13 15:52:18

Hi I was lurking on this late last night and came back to check on things.

shock OMG the total and utter shittyness of some men (possibly all) never ever ceases to surprise me. This must be a hell of a shock for you, especially as it seems that you hadn't had much reason to suspect anything before this.

I'm not sure that anything we can say will lessen the pain that you must be feeling. But you WILL get through this.

I finally got rid of my ex 7 months ago, I never had any concrete proof that he cheated (clever dick) but I strongly suspect he did and had enough evidence just going on the websites he was visiting...porn, dating, random slapper friends on social networking sites. He also had other issues debts (hotels etc), drinking, emotional abuse, etc.

The absolute only thing you can do at the moment is just get on with your life (after you've got rid of him). Also, don't keep it bottled up, the more you tell people the more support you'll get. Talk talk to family/friends. If you don't know how to tell people just text and they'll come running. It's good that you're working, speak to gingerbread re. Benefits advice.

Thinking of you...you will get through this, you will x

Also, take comfort in the fact that this other woman is first and foremost a stupid slapper and most probably deeply unhappy and insecure. You are a decent, hardworking mother. Let the shit rot in his own piss...he'll soon realise what an idiot he is angry

fedupofnamechanging Wed 03-Apr-13 15:55:04

Do you have access to his phone bills? If you know the last bill date and amount, you can set up on line billing and have a look to see how long this has been going on.

It might help to do a bit of investigating, if only so you will know when he feeds you a pack of lies.

That said, if you want him out, then that's that and you maybe don't need to know all this other stuff.

pictish Wed 03-Apr-13 15:56:46

Oh dear OP...sympathies xxx

Loserville Wed 03-Apr-13 16:01:05

I don't know the log in details for his phone account so can't check. He probably thought he was being clever deleting text messages but forgot about the call history.

I know I need to know the details but I'm not sure I want or ready for it.

pictish Wed 03-Apr-13 16:02:31

He's going to lie to you like there's no tomorrow. Are you prepared for that?

ThePinkOcelot Wed 03-Apr-13 16:04:42

So sorry OP. (((()))) xx

Loserville Wed 03-Apr-13 16:05:36

Yes I have my bullshit repellant at the ready. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to converse with the man.

bleedingheart Wed 03-Apr-13 16:07:10

OP I'm so sorry to hear that this wasn't innocent, when I read the first posts I did think it was plausible it could be mates messing about but not on the way to work, in the pub or if he was nearly home maybe. I think your gut was telling you there was more to it though and it was right.

He will say she's just a friend and you focus on the kids and she listens to him as a person not just a dad blah blah blah. He is a coward and a cheat. He blew his opportunity to come clean and talk last night, you don't need to hear everything now if you don't want to. You know the main point. Let him stew while you decide what you want if that suits you. Get him out and away from you.

Fairenuff Wed 03-Apr-13 16:07:32

It sounds like he's getting ready to feed you more lies.

Hang on to that anger. Remember, every time he lies he is insulting your intelligence. Treat him with the disdain he deserves.

He needs to get to the point where he realises you are not going to buy into his bullshit. Then he will start being honest with you.

pictish Wed 03-Apr-13 16:07:55

I am wondering what sort of story he is going to dream up to explain away 'Hi sexy get your boobs out' and 'Hi, this is a surprise, is the wife asleep? I miss you'

It's not what you think though apparently. hmm

ShootingStarsss Wed 03-Apr-13 16:10:59

So sorry to come back and read this op hmm what a shit bag he is.

When he is sitting there reeling off all his story & excuses, tell him to log into his mobile phone account and show you his calls/text bet he won't.

Keep up your angry mindset and keep thinking about your children, as you say you need to focus on them and put them first, kick his sorry arse to the kerb! confused

StuffezLaBouche Wed 03-Apr-13 16:11:40

That second text is the bloody clincher, isn't it? There is literally no possible explanation for that.

Bluelightsandsirens Wed 03-Apr-13 16:12:32

Is the number stored in his phone under a name?

I would be swapping hat number for my own before I chucked his sorry arse out, giving you opportunity to receive all the my wife doesn't understand me, we don't sleep togeather texts meant for her.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's devastating x

I would be calling the nunber and seeing who answers and what she has to say?

Here to handhold loser (I dont like your name sad) and try to keep hold of the anger.

Whether you want answers now or not doesnt matter. To not listen to his nonsense is whats important.

pictish Wed 03-Apr-13 16:13:41

No name - just a number.

LizzyMcGuire Wed 03-Apr-13 16:15:13

Urgh. What a foul excuse for a human being he is. She obviously knows all about you too, nasty nasty woman.

StrangeDays Wed 03-Apr-13 16:16:20

I think it's odd for a woman to text 'the' wife.

ladyjadie Wed 03-Apr-13 16:16:21

Remember, every time he lies he is insulting your intelligence.

This. Sadly sad

whatkungfuthat Wed 03-Apr-13 16:17:29

She might not think its all so exciting when he dumps his sorry arse on her doorstep tonight, looking for a place to stay

ShootingStarsss Wed 03-Apr-13 16:18:54

I think saying "the wife" is disrespectful and sarcastic to be honest, god knows what he has been saying to this women.

Awakeagain Wed 03-Apr-13 16:19:01

Stay strong op, take time to sort things out in your head with him gone

DragonMamma Wed 03-Apr-13 16:19:59

I read this late last night too and just came back to check - what a complete tosser OP.

I can't imagine what you must be feeling - one misdirected text that blows yours and your children's lives apart.

FWIW, you're handling it better and more calmly than I would - I'd be like a flaming banshee and out to wring his.neck.

Stay strong and don't listen to his bullshit

lisac99 Wed 03-Apr-13 16:22:56

When the anger goes (and it will) and you feel sad or unhappy, please, please, please remember

- He has betrayed your trust
- He has lied to you
- He has no respect for you

By taking control and telling him that you are not prepared to condone his behaviour means that he can't lie and try and weasel his way back into your life. You will hurt - you will be angry and once the adrenaline stops, you'll probably feel moments of intense sadness.

However you will get through this.

You don't deserve to be lied to or treated like a fool.

He might have thought he could brush this under the carpet, but you need to remain strong, reiterate the fact you want him OUT... and don't engage with any of his pathetic 'Oh, it was a joke' remarks.

Hope you're doing OK.

Stay strong OP x

"hi, this is a surprise, is the wife asleep? Miss you"

Fuck. He will not be able to lie his way out of this one.

Am so sorry op, what a complete bastard. Telling you it was a mate and he didn't phone because he didn't want to get embroiled in an argument on the phone was spineless and mean of him. By the time you see him next she will have let him know she got that message and replied so it will be interesting to see what fucking load of bollocks he has cooked up this time.

So, so sorry sad

WeAreSix Wed 03-Apr-13 16:27:43

What an evil thing to do. Firstly for cheating and lying but then lying again when confronted.

OW obviously knows she's seeing a married man, does she have no self respect?! What kind of person could be so vile!

pictish Wed 03-Apr-13 16:53:13

Never mind the OW...she's not married to the OP. She's just a woman withsuch low self esteem as to accept the role of bit on the side, as good enough for her.

The dh is the cheat and the liar.

captainbarnacle Wed 03-Apr-13 16:53:18

So sorry sad Bet he is kicking himself now. He is such a loser.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Wed 03-Apr-13 16:58:09

and it's not what I think
This problem doesn't have anything to do with you.
Make it clear to him "there is nothing wrong with the way you think". End every sentence to him with that phrase for a hundred or so times.
That makes me so angry on your behalf, to pile that on top of it all.

Reread what lisac99 said at the top of the page maybe even print it out. Excellent post.

C'loserville, wink, close his hiney out pronto. And good for you for moving forward in getting his things packed and out. I am sorry that it is so sudden. But you know, sometimes Plan B can outshine Plan A by miles.

Jux Wed 03-Apr-13 17:03:51

So sorry. Will be thinking of you; if holding your hand keeps you strong then here's mine...

EyePad Wed 03-Apr-13 17:07:20

1. Your dh sounds as thick as shit.

2. The 'other person' called you 'the wife'. This in itself sounds very strange. It is a very blokey thing to say?

3. I would wait for him to say whatever it is, because something doesn't ring right here. BUT of course have your bullshitometer at the ready.

Ahhhcrap Wed 03-Apr-13 17:11:40

Be prepared for all amount of bull shit to come from him. He'll prob only admit to what you already know so don't be afraid to stay quiet to let him fill the silence.
I'll be buggered if I can think if how he'll explain it tho

SucksToBeMe Wed 03-Apr-13 17:16:08

Loser, you are handling this so much better than I did when in your position. He does not deserve you.

mrsmindcontrol Wed 03-Apr-13 17:16:29

Oh poor you OP. be strong x

kinkyfuckery Wed 03-Apr-13 17:17:44

Oh shit. Am so sorry to hear that it is looking like the worst case scenario.

What is happening now? Has he agreed to go?

Loserville Wed 03-Apr-13 17:18:04

'The wife' thing, he affectionately refers to me as The Wife, It's never bothered me, more if a running joke type thing. The fact he has referred to me as this to this other person is extremely hurtful especially her using it to refer to me.

Loserville Wed 03-Apr-13 17:22:52

Kinky. Still no sign of him, I'm thinking he's chickened out of coming. I've left another message telling him if he hasn't picked up his clothes by 8pm then he'll find them at the local Marie Curie charity shop. I'm not dragging this out for days. He needs to face me at some point and i deserve at least some sort of explanation face to face, he's just being a coward.

EyePad Wed 03-Apr-13 17:24:41

Yes, I can understand him calling you 'the wife' to his mates etc, but for the OW to call you 'the wife' is a bit strange. It is just such a mans thing. Maybe I am overthiniking things but could the OW in fact be the OM?

Eye, it'a their little in joke, surely?

EyePad Wed 03-Apr-13 17:28:46

yes, could be, I just feel it is odd. But i am probably wrong!

kinkyfuckery Wed 03-Apr-13 17:28:52

Disgusted by the pair of them using his pet name for you. That's actually one of the most disrespectful things I've read in a long time - yes, even on MN!

bumpers Wed 03-Apr-13 17:29:51

Hope you ok op

cjel Wed 03-Apr-13 17:34:32

so sorry you are going through this, I remember that waiting and feeling sick so much. You are doing so well, mine was away so i had to wait 2 days for him to come bk but had rented a flat for me and ds by the time he got home. We talked all night but although I felt we could have made it work I needed the separation so that I could get my head round what I wanted, Its very tempting to take them in and not have your world rocked to make everything alright but the only way to work on it is to separate and go through it honestly.<<hugs>>x

Sparkley84 Wed 03-Apr-13 17:37:50

I'm so sorry to read this. You're being so strong and did so well to go to work. Good for you standing up for yourself about the stuff. I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now but my thoughts are with you. Stay strong and stick to your instincts x x

Fairenuff Wed 03-Apr-13 17:45:06

He is such a coward. Not even having the decency to speak to you face to face.

He knows that he's been caught and that there really is no plausible explanation. He's trying to buy some time by stalling so that he can work out what he wants and what he's going to do.

I think you are right to chuck his stuff out if he doesn't collect it. Why should he be the one calling all the shots. He's had it his way for too long.

How old are your children? Will they be there or could they stay with someone else for a bit?

Loserville Wed 03-Apr-13 17:54:04

My lovely friend is having the children overnight. I'm off work now until next Wednesday so I'm going to do lots of fun things with the children. Fairenuff, they are 5, 7 and 10.

OhLori Wed 03-Apr-13 17:55:13

God, I'm so sorry.

I had to check back OP, because I was one of the ones who thought the original text such a bizarre occurrence, as to be unbelievable except as a practical joke gone wrong. Sorry I am wrong.

Doha Wed 03-Apr-13 17:57:08

Have you got joint accounts? Can you check that he has not taken any money out/cleared them today????

onefewernow Wed 03-Apr-13 17:57:23

I will never ever understand people who cheat. Why stay in a relationship if you want to be with someone else. I guess having your cake and eating is the thing here.

Too right.

his has been analysed by many.

The answer is, he does want you both.

He wants her for fun, sex, approval, to make himself feel extra good.

He wants you for kids, dinner, domestic support, outward respectability, to stop him feeling lonely in between, to bring up his kids, keep his house, to ensure he keeps more of his income in the home he lives in (instead of maintenance), to sort his life out generally.

That's why he want both.

He isnt very interested either in what she wants, or what you want.

You are doing brilliantly, by the way.

lolaflores Wed 03-Apr-13 18:00:47

loser you will be well rid, you will sit and look back in six months or a years time and marvel at yourself. Do lots of things with the kids, the pureness of their love is healing when this happens. it will give you faith in humanity if nothing else.
do not allow him to twist or turn any of this away from himself. Imagine yourself as a heat seeking missile, relentless in getting him out. I am not sure if you will get anything approaching the truth, just hope he has the good manners to be embarrased (which it seems he is by not showing his face). The non show is evidence enough of his guilt. Actions speak louder than words. He has hung himself, you finish the job. Its the kindest thing to do.

OhLori Wed 03-Apr-13 18:03:05

Hope you have a lovely time with your children, make sure you get a big wad of cash out to spend.

Ponyinthepool Wed 03-Apr-13 18:05:38

Thinking of you OP, I can only imagine how sad you must be feeling. Lots of us sending strength and support your way, you will get through this.

Just an observation, but the tone of those messages sounds to me like 2 people who haven't known each other long. I'd say this is a meaningless fling rather than a meaningful love affair. It's unlikely to have occured to your DH that this could cost him his marriage, so he's going to be having the shock of his life.

If he works shifts, there are probably records of the hours he has worked. That and his phone bill are two things you might like to insist he bring along to any discussion of how 'it's not how it looks'.

Loserville Wed 03-Apr-13 18:07:23

Thanks again for all your support. It has really help me stay focused and not crumble. It would have been so easy to just say to him please come home we can sort this out. But I know I could never stay with someone who he's betrayed me and the children. It's true, once the trust has gone there is no point. These texts can't be explained away as something else. His lack of contact is answer enough he has been up to something.

Fairenuff Wed 03-Apr-13 18:08:10

Ah jeez, 5 7 and 10. How could he do that to them. He wasn't thinking of them when he was with her was he.

If he tells you it meant nothing, tell him that when he was with her, you meant nothing to him.

And you're worth more than that.

Keep posting. There is a ton of support here and invaluable advice from those who have been where you are and come out of it stronger x

If you are at home and he is not, make sure you get copies of all his financial information, such as salary/payslip, etc.

Do you have a joint account? Ensure he cant empty it.

Do you rent, or own your home?

toffeelolly Wed 03-Apr-13 18:09:42

Sorry to hear. You are better than him keep your head up . Thinking of you .

Branleuse Wed 03-Apr-13 18:10:09

hand holding, and wishing you lots of strength xx

Loserville Wed 03-Apr-13 18:16:36

Yes meant to say we never got round to opening a joint account. He doesn't know my bank details or online banking details but I know his and its pay day tomorrow for him...

The house is in my name too so no problem there. Best decision ever not putting it in both names. It's a private rented property.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 03-Apr-13 18:20:24

You sound strong and thanks goodness finances should be relatively easy to sort out.

What a cowardly spineless cheat he is - he does not know what facing up to his responsibilities means. He needs to man up.

CandlestickOlder Wed 03-Apr-13 18:21:32

Sorry to hear all of this Op.

What a massive shock.

Apart from the obvious, are you ok? Make sure you eat and drink and take care of yourself.

forgetmenots Wed 03-Apr-13 18:21:40

Fucking hell OP (I'm not going to call you loserville. He is a loser).

You are doing so well, stay focused and strong. ((Hug, even if it is fecking un-MN!!))

Loserville Wed 03-Apr-13 18:26:45

I've drank about 20 cups of coffee today! Need to try and eat something though. A Chinese takeaway and a bottle of vodka sounds appealing but I won't. Well maybe the takeaway.

Doha Wed 03-Apr-13 18:27:53

what time was/is he supposed to be home. Did you take a note of the OW phone number?

Fairenuff Wed 03-Apr-13 18:32:34

Yes, get the takeaway, you need to keep your strength up. Alcohol not a good idea at the moment.

Loserville Wed 03-Apr-13 18:37:54

Yeah I have her phone number. He only had to work until 2pm today, then his apparent 'works night out' is tonight. He's probably at hers. I was tempted to call the number and ask if he's there. Is that a good move do you think? Or just leave it and put his things outside? I'm half scared she's someone I know, it's a possibility.

Casserole Wed 03-Apr-13 18:40:59

Have you tried googling the number OP? (also not going to call you loserville).

You sound strong. I know you won't always feel that way. But you are going to get through this x

Jux Wed 03-Apr-13 18:41:14

Well, I would soon be thinking about bolting the doors for the night. You still haven't heard from him? He truly is a coward isn't he?

AgathaF Wed 03-Apr-13 18:41:55

Oh, what an absolute shit. I read this thread yesterday and have only just caught up with developments today.

Good about your bank account and the house being in your name.

forgetmenots Wed 03-Apr-13 18:42:07

Don't call her OP.
Bags on the doorstep definitely.

NotMostPeople Wed 03-Apr-13 18:42:58

Keep posting OP and stay strong.

BoyMeetsWorld Wed 03-Apr-13 18:43:00

Aaaaargh oh OP my heart goes out to you, I too found out via text that DS' dad (Xp) was seeing someone else. Who cares if it's a good idea or not to phone her- you'll go mad wondering if you don't. & like in my case she may give you more answers, even if out of spite. Perhaps best to phone when he won't be there though or she's unlikely to say much? Big hugs

Jux Wed 03-Apr-13 18:44:10

No, not a good idea to phone or contact her at all. However, googling her number isn't a bad idea. Try to maintain a dignified silence. He knows you will remove his stuff if he hasn't picked it up by tomorrow a.m.

Lock the doors tonight so he can't get pissed and crawl into bed while you're asleep, though.

lambrinigirl Wed 03-Apr-13 18:45:50

Thinking of you.keep strong.you have your future with your lovely children to think about. Sending a big hug.xxx

NotMostPeople Wed 03-Apr-13 18:45:52

He's got an hour and ten minutes before you said you'd get rid of his stuff, are you going to start packing?

Sugarice Wed 03-Apr-13 18:45:55

Thinking of you OP, please change your nn, you're no loser !!

Don't call that woman, leave the pair of them stew .

Bogeyface Wed 03-Apr-13 18:47:12

I would ring her and say that could she please let him know that his stuff is now outside the front door and she is welcome to him.

cjel Wed 03-Apr-13 18:49:40

No no No don't phone her. Don't give her any of your time. Think of you and Dcs not 'them'.If you have answers from her they won't matter to you. Look after yourself make sure you force yourself to eat good things regularly anxiety burns up a heck of a lot of calories!!! Keep to what you said. Bags outside. He'll probably try to come with I felt so awful, I couldn't face what I'd done, i feel so bad etc.etc. At least the longer he stays away the more time you get to realise you are right in what you are doing. Go and eat!!!

MrsSpagBol Wed 03-Apr-13 18:51:28

I CANNOT believe that he finished work at 2pm and instead of rushing home to come and talk to you and try and sort things out - he has gone on a work night out?

His MARRIAGE is about to end?!

I am sorry but you deserve so so much better!!! You sound like a lovely person and your husband sounds like a total and complete tool!! He doesn't seem to realise what is at stake here.

You deserve better! I am infuriated on your behalf.

Sparkley84 Wed 03-Apr-13 18:52:18

Calling her is up to you. I think personally I couldn't bear to know who she was or what she looked/sounded like but if you need to know then call and ask. If he's told her what has happened she may not answer though. X

I agree with others - get a decent dinner in you and bag up his stuff.

You're being such a brave woman and that worm doesn't deserve you or your family

Fairenuff Wed 03-Apr-13 18:54:52

No don't ring her. Just do as you said and pack up his stuff.

If my dh told me I had until 8pm to come home or I would be out on my ear, wild horses wouldn't keep me away. If he had a genuine explanation (which of course he can't have) he would be keen to be reassuring you, not out on some 'works do'.

It's just one lie after another. I wonder how long he has been doing this.

I would lock the doors. If the house is in your name, he has no right to be there without your permission. If he breaks in you can call the police.

He doesn't take you seriously at all. He thinks he can breeze in and out when he likes. He thinks if he comes home late you will be asleep and he can kip on the sofa. Who are you, his mum?

I would send him one more text: At 8pm I'm putting all your stuff in bin liners on the front lawn and I'm locking the door. If you want to speak with me come round before then. Otherwise it's too late.

Casserole Wed 03-Apr-13 18:55:33

Decent dinner in you, bag up his stuff, and at 8pm exactly it all goes outside. Then double lock all doors, unplug all phones and doorbells and start planning some nice things for you and your DC to do over the next few weeks.

flutterbynight Wed 03-Apr-13 18:55:36

Sorry this is happening to you OP. I hope this doesn't sound patronising or condescending but I think you are very courageous, tackling this head on and not taking any shit! Pleased to hear you have a lovely friend to help support you in RL too.

I would definitely be having that takeaway, be kind to yourself, OP.

Can you google her number and see if anything comes up?

StrangeDays Wed 03-Apr-13 18:57:17

Don't phone her.
She's beneath your dignity - they are both not better than shit on your shoe

TweedWasSoLastYear Wed 03-Apr-13 18:58:51

Im sure exactly the same thing happened to someone else on here a month or so ago . UDH texted OW instead of his DW .- Busted .
Sorry its happened to you as well, with 3 kids of an impressionable age . what an idiot.
Have you thought to check to see if it really is the company xmas do?
He might just have been intending to spend the night with OW instead , and needed a plausable excuse?
flowers hope you can work through this and come out stronger

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 03-Apr-13 19:02:46

He's hoping you won't kick him out if he stays away. That you'll miss him, or worry, and soften.

Don't. Pack his stuff, lock the doors and get yourself that takeaway. You deserve it!

Inertia Wed 03-Apr-13 19:08:06

Another one here who was hoping for an innocent explanation - sorry that it's turned out this way. Him not even coming home to explain himself is just astonishing . I wonder whether he's with OW cooking up a story.

Doha Wed 03-Apr-13 19:08:48

Nooooo don't phone or contact her at all. Maintain a dignified silence. If he is with her it is because he HAS to be there not because he WANTS to be there. She will soon realise that he has had to settle for second choice. She is his fall back option because you threw him out.

Sorry you're going thru this OP. What an utter shite. No real advice but plenty of hand holding xxx

VitoCorleone Wed 03-Apr-13 19:15:24

Well id love to know what lame excuse he's going to come up with, lying twat. He doesnt deserve another second of your time

Smellslikecatspee Wed 03-Apr-13 19:22:39

Oh I'm so sorry it ended like this, though if you hadn't found the 2nd text would you always have been wondering?

You sound very together, please stay that way show him that you are to be respected as a person, his wife and the mother of his children.

I wouldn't contact her, God knows what shit he's feed her. Show her how a decent person acts.

I can't give any real advice but there are lots of fab strong women on here who can help you both in real terms and emotionally.

Smellslikecatspee Wed 03-Apr-13 19:23:34

Ps. He's the loser.

Boosterseat Wed 03-Apr-13 19:24:28

Don't call her, if they are together then they are welcome to each other you don't want to come over as the needy mad wife (sorry I hated typing that as you're coming across as one seriously switched on woman)

I'm so mad for you OP

HE needs to collect his shit
HE needs to discuss with you how HE is going to tell the kids about how he can't keep his mangy cock in his pants
HE is welcome to his skank who will be no doubt riddled with insecurities and poor judgement - do the OW ever really last?

I really hope you can get some time to yourself, can your DP give you some me time?

You're doing great, I punched the air when you posted about telling him to pack his bags.

Stay strong

Fairenuff Wed 03-Apr-13 19:25:30

He will no doubt say it's just a bit of banter and nothing has happened between them. He has never met up with her, or touched her, just a bit of harmless flirting.

But that's irrelevant really. He has lied to you op. And he has treated you appallingly. You wouldn't want to be with someone like that under any circumstances.

WeAreSix Wed 03-Apr-13 19:42:16

Bag his stuff up. At 7:59 out the door it goes, lock the door and never look back.

What an idiot. (Him not OP)

Uppatreecuppatea Wed 03-Apr-13 19:45:23

I am so curious as to where he is and how OW reacted to all this.

Her response to the text from his phone doesn't sound overly amorous or possessive. Frankly, his text to her "get your boobs out" doesn't sound like a serious relationship - just casual shagging.

I'd be surprised if she was happy to have him land on her doorstep (if that's where he's gone). Lord knows what her situation is - i.e.. DH, DCs etc..

I predict he's in for a very shit night. And that is good.

skyebluesapphire Wed 03-Apr-13 19:45:49

Slo sorry it has turned out like this. I agree, chuck his stuff out and lock the door. Get a friend to come over.

You are being very strong but the shock will hit you some time soon..

NotSoNervous Wed 03-Apr-13 19:54:32

So sorry OP

You sound so strong

Notsoblonde Wed 03-Apr-13 19:55:39

sorry to read your update op sad what an absolute shit!

woopsidaisy Wed 03-Apr-13 19:56:27

This low life cheats on his wife and kids, destroys a family, walks out if a marriage after lying to your face.... and can't even be bothered to feign guilt. Or even attempt regret.
Unbelievable. What a knob!
You must be in such shock OP. I hope you get some answers.

Loserville Wed 03-Apr-13 19:57:45

He's just left. Came in with his head down, sat on the sofa and said sorry. That's it, sorry. I asked who she was, he said I dont know here. He met her on a night out end of February. He said he's only met her 3 times since. He doesn't love her, it was just sex blah blah blah. He said it can't be over and he'll fight to get me back. Think he underestimates how fucking angry, hurt, betrayed I actually am. He's taken his things, it is killing me knowing he can walk away probably to her and have someone to hug.

So that's it. It's hit me, I'm scared to cry, I'll never stop.

EyePad Wed 03-Apr-13 20:00:57

oh I am so sorry. What a bastard. angry

AllThatGlistens Wed 03-Apr-13 20:01:18

Oh OP I'm so so sorry sad

It's completely normal to feel blindsided by what's happened, you're in shock and will naturally be caught in a roller coaster of emotions.

Do you have family or a friend you can call to come to you? We're all here too x

Areyoumadorisitme Wed 03-Apr-13 20:03:00

Thinking of you lots OP. Take care of yourself.

lambrinigirl Wed 03-Apr-13 20:03:21

Did he say where he's been since 2pm.

MrsSpagBol Wed 03-Apr-13 20:03:43

Oh honey. Have a cry. You need to. This is completely devastating. You really need to allow yourself to let it out and take it for what it is - he has brought your world crashing down around you.

I can only imagine how you wish you had never ever seen that stupid text.

I feel so so sorry that this has happened.

He is an absolute fool. And I agree he really doesn't seem to "get it". Does he think marriage is a game?

I am so so sorry.

Have a huge cry and have your takeaway then go to bed. Leave it at that for today. Just take one day at a time.

Sending you a masssive virtual hug.

He is not even nearly ready for the mess he has created. And if it's so casual he is going to be at a loose end very very soon as I am sure this girl was not planning on moving in with him after 3 visits. He is really up shit creek.

So sorry.

Bluelightsandsirens Wed 03-Apr-13 20:03:54

Oh goodness sad

Do you have a friend you can call, get out of the house?

I'm so sorry x

Sugarice Wed 03-Apr-13 20:04:42

Cry and keep posting.

Lots of support here, thinking of you.

You're strong and will get through this.

Fairenuff Wed 03-Apr-13 20:05:52

Even if he's telling the truth (doubtful) that's 3 times in 4 weeks. Times that he has lied to you. Knowing full well that he was risking his marriage. Knowing full well that this would affect his children. And not caring.

She won't be any comfort to him. Whenever he is with her all it will do is remind him of what he has lost. What he has thrown away.

He treated you terribly today because he was still trying to think of a way to spare himself. Not you. Him.

He really doesn't care. He's just sorry he got caught.

You need to build a wall of family and friends around you now. People who really do care about your feelings and want to help and support you.

Keep posting. Let it all out x

Isabeller Wed 03-Apr-13 20:09:49

I don't have any wise words but my heart goes out to you xx

hmmSo sorry. I've been thinking about you today & wanted to say that I think you sound brill. Such an awful thing to happen to you and you've been so strong (even if you don't feel it at the moment).

No advice- I think you're doing everything in such a dignified way. There are loads of us out here thinking about you and your DCs. You will look back on this at some point in the not too distant future and be very proud of how you dealt with this, I'm sure.

StuffezLaBouche Wed 03-Apr-13 20:11:20

I feel sick on your behalf.
You know what's really disgusting? He's been avoiding coming home NOT out of guilt but because he's been desperately wracking his brains for a plausible excuse and then realised he couldnt think of one. He has NO respect for you.
Vile specimen. "Fight for you!!" how the fuck dare he? no fighting needed if he could just, lets see, not fuck other women.
Have you got a mate close by? Please do have a cry if you need to.

oh love, I am so sorry. sad What a shit he is.

Loserville Wed 03-Apr-13 20:15:00

Thank you everyone.

I just keep thinking this is the worst things can get then I'm reminded I need to tell the children sad it is going to break their heart and how much do I tell them. I actually hate him for putting me in this position sad Obviously need to sort out contact and things but I need space from him.

sleeton Wed 03-Apr-13 20:15:18

I am so very very sorry OP. I have been following, and right to the last second ... right till you posted He's just left. Came in with his head down, I kept hoping for it to be okay for you. I can't even say what I was hoping for, him leaping in with some sort of surreal big 'April Fool' .... I don't know .... just something, anything, that wasn't so terrible as this. I am so sorry.

MrsSpagBol Wed 03-Apr-13 20:15:59

Erm, I think HE needs to tell the kids. He made the mess, he should clean it up. It's not your job to explain this.

He needs to tell his kids he messed up. That is all.

carabossse Wed 03-Apr-13 20:17:11

Surely the time to decide he'd "do whatever it takes for his marriage" was at 5pm yesterday after receiving the "?" text, or at 9pm when he was supposed to be on his way home, or late last night when he finally did return home, or this morning when he could have taken the day off work or could have been in contact, or at 2pm after work? Not waiting until his belongings were in a black bag.

Talk really is cheap. He doesn't seem to have shown any concern for his family or for the upset he'd caused till it affected his living arrangements.

OP, you seem very capable. Good luck.

CabbageLeaves Wed 03-Apr-13 20:17:21

Keep him away. You matter. The kids matter. If he has any decency he will respect that and do it on your terms

I'm so sorry OP. this will get better and stop hurting

cjel Wed 03-Apr-13 20:17:55

Have a good cry. you will stop. The pain will come and go, you will be happy again.xxx

NotMostPeople Wed 03-Apr-13 20:19:28

There's nothing wrong with having a bloody good cry, I'm so sorry that he's put you through this. Keep posting MN comes into its own at times like this.

skaboy Wed 03-Apr-13 20:20:36

Feel bad for you. It's crushing finding something like that out. My advice is to find some really good friends to have around you for the next few weeks if you can.

I'm a couple of months down the line from finding out about my wifes affair and I'm now at the point where I'm ok most of the time. We've separated and are just sorting the logistics with the kids etc. Unfortunately if my experience is anything to go by, you'll have to face up to the fact that he is a liar and you probably won't be able to trust him again whatever happens.

Depending on what kind of person he is it might be sometime before he realises the extent of what he has done, if at all.

FairPhyllis Wed 03-Apr-13 20:22:10

God almighty. He couldn't even be bothered to come home when he finished work to talk to you. You deserve someone who respects you.

OP if it was a casual thing I doubt very much that she will welcome him turning up with all his stuff. He is going to run out of options pretty fast.

Oh, and HE needs to tell the children with you. Make him face up to the consequences his actions have had on them.

So sorry OP, is there someone who can come over tonight?

Think it's his job to tell the kds when the time comes.

Meantime, can you get out and do some fun stuff with your DCs? On his money if he just got paid...?

Thinking of you.

Smellslikecatspee Wed 03-Apr-13 20:22:18

Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry, what an arse.

I don't claim to be an expert but bearing in mind that most cheaters will only admit to what they know they can't hide, I wouldn't believe the 3times etc.

Stay strong.

AThingInYourLife Wed 03-Apr-13 20:26:02

"Surely the time to decide he'd "do whatever it takes for his marriage" was at 5pm yesterday after receiving the "?" text, or at 9pm when he was supposed to be on his way home, or late last night when he finally did return home, or this morning when he could have taken the day off work or could have been in contact, or at 2pm after work? Not waiting until his belongings were in a black bag."

^^ this. Exactly this.

OP am so sorry for you. What a git. Just remember that you don't deserve this, it's not your fault. He made the choices and decisions he did and none of this was because of you.
He should tell the kids as its his fault. But for now, concentrate on you and how you feel. Cry if you need to but keep posting on here-it's good to talk xxx

Loserville Wed 03-Apr-13 20:28:08

Most of my friends are away on breaks forbEaster apart from my friend who has the children. I have no family, parents have passed away and no siblings. I'm ok on my own. I'll stick my favourite movie on and distract myself.

I suppose it shouldn't be down to me to tell the children. I just don't want to leave it too long although ignorance is bliss for them.

Casserole Wed 03-Apr-13 20:28:46

Oh no. I am so sorry. I was also hoping against all rational hope for another outcome.

I don't think you need to tell the kids anything right away. Just tell them Daddy's had to go away with work. Not to make his life any easier and not because I think you will change your mind but just because right now, this week, your focus needs to just be on you, and getting you through each day. Anything extra can wait.

Do you have friends or relatives nearby who you can tell / get round?

So sorry. So very sorry x

Casserole Wed 03-Apr-13 20:32:02

Sorry, crosspost about the friends etc.

It doesn't really help, but I am sitting here in my study virtually holding your hand tightly. I think everyone on this thread is.

Fairenuff Wed 03-Apr-13 20:32:28

Did he say where he was going to go? I'm sure she won't want him living with her. Especially as she knows what a cheat and a liar he is.

I would be inclined to tell the children that daddy won't be living with us anymore because he doesn't love mummy, but he does still love them just as much as always. If it's left to him, he is likely to say that he doesn't want to leave but you are making him hmm

Let their school know when they go back so that they can offer them additional support and makes allowances for emotional behaviour. There are good books for young children to help them make sense of it.

cjel Wed 03-Apr-13 20:33:42

have you got your take away?

DragonMamma Wed 03-Apr-13 20:34:43

I'm so so sorry OP, like others have said, the fact he didn't race home speaks volumes.

Sending you all the strength you need.

Areyoumadorisitme Wed 03-Apr-13 20:42:28

OP, now is the worst part and you are undeniably in shock and feeling betrayed, hurt and furious.

Please remember that you are the only person who can decide whether what you had before this is worth trying to rescue. From what up you said you seemed to have a good relationship prior to this so consider carefully, it is very easy for us strangers on the web to say leave the bastard but we have only ever heard this awful part of him. You alone can decide if you want to try to rebuild your relationship.

Good luck with everything, you will get through this stronger whether single or together.

MonaLotte Wed 03-Apr-13 20:43:22

Wow just read all of this. So sorry op. We are all here for you.

Areyoumadorisitme Wed 03-Apr-13 20:45:19

Please note I am not belittling what he has done at all, it is outrageous and I don't know if I could ever forgive that but also don't know that I could throw away a previously good relationship without serious thought.

Fairenuff Wed 03-Apr-13 20:50:22

How does op know what kind of relationship she had? It was all a farce. She cannot believe anything he says. All his actions shriek of self-preservation.

Ruprekt Wed 03-Apr-13 20:50:32

I am so sorry it ended up like this.

Please name change as you are not a loser.

Where do you live? Am sure there are lots of mumsnetters near you who would be willing to help you out. Even a coffee and a chat.

Do you think he could fight to get you back or is this The End?

Stay strong. Eat. Look after yourself. smile

Someone said there was something on the relate website about what and how to tell children. Might be helpful?

minkembra Wed 03-Apr-13 21:01:15

areyou i am usually last to say ltb. but op is not throwing away her relationship her h has already done that.

He was just hiding like a pathetic coward yesterday probably with his enabling co-workers trying to feeling sorry for himself and has probably slinked back to his mums. i doubt OW is that interested.

Sorry OP. but i do think you have been amazing.

Yy to getting him to tell the kids or you tell them together.

minkembra Wed 03-Apr-13 21:01:57

areyou i am usually last to say ltb. but op is not throwing away her relationship her h has already done that.

He was just hiding like a pathetic coward yesterday probably with his enabling co-workers trying to feeling sorry for himself and has probably slinked back to his mums. i doubt OW is that interested.

Sorry OP. but i do think you have been amazing.

Yy to getting him to tell the kids or you tell them together.

Jux Wed 03-Apr-13 21:03:32

Second the request to namechange! He is the loser, you aren't. You are a strong, independent woman who is to be admired for coping with awful behaviour from her Loserh with dignity.

QOD Wed 03-Apr-13 21:10:53

Just add a "not" to your name for now, so we know its you

YOU'RE not the loser, he is.

Arse

Nat38 Wed 03-Apr-13 21:14:36

So sorry it`s turned out like thissad
Really feel for you.
When it happened to me I told the kids, but all I said was that mum & dad didn`t love each other anymore.
When my youngest DD asked if her dad had an affair I told her that it was not for me to say, she needs to talk to her dad. She begged me to tell her but I wouldn`t tarnish her image of him-he could do that himselfangry
Looking back I think I must of given her the answer she wanted because she never did ask her dad, but seems to know what he did.sad
I think by doing what I did, we both came out of it ok with her!
Stay strong, do what is right for you & your children-whatever that might be!!

ImperialBlether Wed 03-Apr-13 21:15:11

It is really awful telling the children, no doubt about it. I made the decision to tell them ten minutes or so before a programme they enjoyed watching on tv came on. They did get very upset but after ten minutes I said, "OK, everyone's getting upset but you know that you can see Dad whenever you want. Why don't we just watch X on tv and try to forget it for a bit?"

I was amazed that they really leaped on that opportunity to stop talking about it. Ten minutes into the programme I "remembered" I had some Ben & Jerrys in the freezer and they got all excited about that. Have to say it was a sign of how much he'd signed out of family life that they didn't really mention it much after that.

Car journeys were good for bringing it up (not in an upsetting way) - I think there's something about not having to face someone (for them, I mean) that helps them ask difficult questions.

Or leavingloserville to show you're leaving him behind.

thanks

birdofthenorth Wed 03-Apr-13 21:17:40

OP I think you are doing amazingly well. I'm so so sorry you are going through this. I have been lurking on the thread as I'm sure many others have but wanted to pipe up and say there is a massive Mnet community out there sending you heaps of best wishes and support. Just take one hour at a time. We're here.

Coconutty Wed 03-Apr-13 21:19:03

I could slap him on your behalf Notaloser

Stay strong and keep talking if it's making you feel better.

Maybe83 Wed 03-Apr-13 21:19:03

Oh god I'm so sorry to read this...the shock is awful I know...have you any family you could call to come round? You ve been so strong...

Fairenuff Wed 03-Apr-13 21:25:28

All children really want to know is how is it going to affect them. The more things that stay the same the better. Normal routines, normal school day, etc. If he used to call them to say goodnight, for example, things like that can stay the same.

Don't worry about it for now op, just get through one hour at a time. It's a shame your friends are away, but you can use the internet to find out about your rights. Womens Aid will be able to point you in the right direction.

Keep busy, distract yourself as much as possible. Get as much rest as you can. We are all here for you x

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Wed 03-Apr-13 21:25:52

I should change your name if I were you, to Fighter, or Winner, or something.

So sorry. Was really hoping it was all some stupid wind up.

There's so much support for you on here. Please take care of yourself and you dc's. He really doesn't deserve you.

flowers flowers flowers

Finola1step Wed 03-Apr-13 21:31:17

Oh OP. I've just read your thread. What a complete and utter tosser he is. Please make sure you eat, cry when you want to, try to get some sleep and lock the front door from the inside (keys in the lock). Just in case he thinks he can come creeping his way back in.

There will be lots of posters who can give great advice re legal situation. Well done for fronting it out and seeing him for what he truly is. You have my full admiration.

MadBraLady Wed 03-Apr-13 21:34:12

I'm so sorry, OP, been reading here since yesterday.

I don't think you should have to tell the children either.

Don't make any decisions tonight. Get that takeaway, look after yourself. All the stuff you have to do you can get started on tomorrow.

flowers

Couldn't read and not post. OP, I think you're amazing. I would have crumbled and dissolved into a vodka swilling weeping harpie in your situation.

Whereabouts are you? Like others have said, if you don't have friends around you, you can at least have MNers wink I'm in Norfolk. If you're nearby let me know and we can do coffee, cake, walks, pubcrawls. Whatever you need.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. It must be absolutely devastating, especially as you had no idea anything was wrong in the relationship. Keep posting. You will get a hell of support on here, and some very good advice.

SueFawley Wed 03-Apr-13 21:44:09

OP, I read last night and was waiting for an update today. I'm absolutely shocked by his behaviour. What a stupid tosser.

I'm in Cheshire. If you're anywhere near me, and would like to go for a coffee and chat sometime, PM me.

Loserville Wed 03-Apr-13 21:49:48

I really do appreciate all your support thanks

He has just text saying its me that's ending it not him. Phone is now switched off. I knew he'd turn it round on me. His actions ended it not mine.

I live just outside Glasgow btw.

Is he fifteen?

First sign of a coward and a liar - turn it back on the victim and claim it was their fault.

But you know deep down that it wasn't.

It was his choice to cheat
It was his choice not to face the music
It was his choice to split up his family

And you are the one who'll keep your family together because you haven't betrayed them.

Seriously doing this on someone without children being involved is one thing - how low do you need to be to punish young ones at the same time.

Massive hugs to you x

madonnawhore Wed 03-Apr-13 21:53:40

wow, read the whole thread with my jaw on the floor.

text him back saying 'you ended it when you had sex with another woman'. then turn your phone off and have a good cry.

he's a twat and you're better off without him. you'll be able to see that soon. but not right now. right now just be kind to yourself.

Tobermory Wed 03-Apr-13 21:53:53

Sadeyedlady.s first line is spot on.

I too think you're amazing. What an awful awful 24 hours you have had. Be kind to yourself. flowers

roughtyping Wed 03-Apr-13 21:55:12

Loserville feel awful for you. You're doing so well. Lots of flowers and brew

whatkungfuthat Wed 03-Apr-13 21:55:41

He's pathetic, he ended it when he had sex with that woman. Take care of yourself and don't let him drip any more poison. Hope you have someone nearby who will listen in RL

MadBraLady Wed 03-Apr-13 21:57:47

Fucking hell, my gob is smacked! "Yeah yeah I shagged another woman and texted her about her boobs and didn't have the decency to explain myself when rumbled but YOU ended our marriage, you big meanie!"

You're a bigger person than I am to have your phone switched off.

tessa6 Wed 03-Apr-13 21:58:01

Unbelievable cruelty preserving his sense of himself that way. Just breathtaking. I know it's terrible to say right now but you're best out of that. What a coward.

So sorry for you op, keep posting, we're all here to support you x

Bogeyface Wed 03-Apr-13 22:00:46

I have had that one "You are ending it not me, you are getting what you want"

Yeah, like I wanted you to have an affair and lie and cheat your way through our entire relationship, I am thrilled.

Told him that yes, I was the one ending it but that if he hadnt cheated then I wouldnt need to end it so he had no one to thank but himself.

Uppatreecuppatea Wed 03-Apr-13 22:00:51

I'll bet "Big Boobs" isn't so pleased with this development.

OP - I am almost sure he is not with her tonight.

Hmmmm, perhaps he's sleeping in his work van.

Be strong babe.

GaryBuseysTeeth Wed 03-Apr-13 22:05:22

WTF? Cannot believe he'd try & turn it round on you.

Sending you a massive hug & another brew
x

Bluelightsandsirens Wed 03-Apr-13 22:06:32

It is so much easier for him to turn it onto you.

I mean how rude of you to end it just because of his actions he will lay the think of the children card, it meant nothing card, you always put the DC before me and I liked the attention, she cared about my feelings more than you do - yuck.

Just remember every time he text, spoke to or met with this women he was disrespecting you, your marriage and your family.

He did this.

Have you eaten anything?

Fairenuff Wed 03-Apr-13 22:08:18

He has just text saying its me that's ending it not him

Well what did he think you would do? Pat him on the head and say, that's fine darling, you can shag whoever you want and stay married to me too.

This is just a other lie. Each time he says something like this he just proves what a waster he is. He really doesn't get it does he. Is this his idea of 'fighting for you' hmm

The same as 'it's not what you think it is'. Er, yes, actually, it was exactly what you thought it was.

This guy thinks you're as stupid as he is.

Stay strong. You are doing the right thing. Let him stew for a change x

CostaTen Wed 03-Apr-13 22:11:01

OP I am in awe of your dignity.

He is a pathetic cheat. If he hadn't sent the text to you by accident you would be none the wiser and he would still be cheating and lying and he's trying to turn it round on you?? Slimeball.

You deserve so much better. He has made his bed, let him lie in it. And the text he sent to the OW was hideous - they sound like a real class act :-/

Stay strong and keep talking x

oh what an utter fuckwit. His actions have made this happen.

Can I just ask, is he the DC father?

Stay strong, you are doing brilliantly.

You could always tell him to go "awa n bile yer heid!" one of my favourite Scottish sayings.

roughtyping Wed 03-Apr-13 22:22:25

Jax, I prefer 'go fuck yourself ya dick' myself

Doha Wed 03-Apr-13 22:23:57

Loserville l live just outside Glasgow too (the west) if l can be of any help just give me a shout

newbiefrugalgal Wed 03-Apr-13 22:25:15

I'm not up north but I'm thinking if you tonight.
Xx

NotSoNervous Wed 03-Apr-13 22:26:20

I'm so sorry things have worked out to this OP.

He's got a damn cheek trying to turn it around on you. If it w you who cheated and risked your marriage and family life then he certainly wouldn't be saying his marriage ending is his fault and nit yours!

There's nothing wrong with having a good cry and just let it all out. I wouldn't have anymore contact with him at the mi ute, let him swear while you out you and your children first.

cjel Wed 03-Apr-13 22:28:14

Well yes it is technically you that ended it by being brave enough to face the truth, Does the idiot really think that you should just say naughty boy it must be hard for you never mind? OP well done for turning the phone off don't believe any of his rubbish.x

roughtyping Wed 03-Apr-13 22:37:31

(I'm also just outside Glasgow, just north, any help required just PM. smile)

Loserville Wed 03-Apr-13 22:45:12

Thanks. I've forced some food down, feel better already. Was getting dizzy spells through lack of food.

Now if Life of Brian can't put a smile on my face nothing will. I'm done thinking about him for today, he's taken up enough head space today.

roughtyping Wed 03-Apr-13 22:47:24

Enjoy Life of Brian. Watched it the other day funnily enough, sadly OH's hard drive has given up and died now sad

Hope you're alright. Don't give him the head space. You're doing really well.

Jux Wed 03-Apr-13 22:49:05

OP, don't dignify his texts or attempts at communication with replies. Ignore ignore igore. If necessary, switch off your phone - he had o compunction about doing that, did he?

He will spend a lot of time trying to weasel out of any responsibility, and tbh, I wouldn't put it past him to set conditions for his eventual return to the bosom of his family.

At the moment, you need some space to get your head round it and decide what you want to do. May I suggest that you text him in the morning telling him that you want a week to consider your position, and that if he had any respect for you he will not contact you in that time.

See if you can get a free half hour with a family law solicitor to discuss your options. Do you want divorce? Would you prefer to try to mend it? That would be dependent upon him taking responsibility for his actions and being truly remorseful, of course.

You probably can't decide that with certainty atm, which is entirely natural, and one reason why you need some space from him.

Talk to people. Tell them what has happened. You will get lots of support and will need to be able to discuss your feelings in rl. Tbh, it is entirely possible that he will tell people his own version - and heaven knows what that might be. Better to tell people the truth yourself first. They will find out, and rumours can be very stupid if there are no facts (I remember my cousin died a year after his mum died - the rumours were that he'd killed himself because he couldn't cope with life without her - he was nearly 40 and had left 'home' years before, was on the point of marriage and had just bought a house with his fiancee. Nothing further from his mind than suicide!).

So get the truth out there before people start thinking up stupid things.

Above all, be kind to yourself. You will feel up and down and let yourself do that.

Focus on your children, and try to do one nice thing with them every day, if it's eating pizza and ice cream on the sofa watching a film, or going to the park.

Let yourself be upset and wobbly.

Eat. Bananas contain pretty well everything you need in terms of nutrition, so even if you can't cope with a meal, eat a banana. My doctor recommended that my mum ate banana liquidised with ice cream every day when she became too ill to eat proper food.

Loserville Wed 03-Apr-13 23:14:34

The only other thing I'm sad about is his family. They are my family, his sisters are like sisters to me. I thought about calling the one I'm closest to earlier but didn't. I'll do it tomorrow, I know she will be round in a shot and she may very well kill him.

SundaysGirl Wed 03-Apr-13 23:17:29

Just wanted to add my voice to the support and say it sounds like you are doing brilliantly.

Really sorry he has been such a cowardly twunt sad

SweetSeraphim Wed 03-Apr-13 23:21:34

Have just read this thread from the beginning, OP, I'm so sorry this has happened. What an utter cunt he is.

He was always going to blame you, you know that. This is what they do.

The thing is, he hasn't even seen the error of his ways. He STILL stayed out and couldn't face the music until he was certain you knew the truth. Prick.

SweetSeraphim Wed 03-Apr-13 23:22:15

You are doing brilliantly, by the way. You're very strong. Namechange though, please! You are so NOT a loser.

Jux Wed 03-Apr-13 23:23:53

Yes, start by telling his sister.

You are brilliant. So strong.

Fairenuff Wed 03-Apr-13 23:26:50

His family are still part of your family. They are your children's aunts and grandparents. They will still want to be in your lives.

saffronwblue Wed 03-Apr-13 23:27:23

Thinking of you OP. ( I also do not want to address you by this name). What a huge shock you have had and how strong you are.

Fudgemallowdelight Wed 03-Apr-13 23:38:22

I think it would be fine to tell his sister.

shesariver Wed 03-Apr-13 23:39:59

You sound so much better than I would be in this situation, sadly I can believe him turning it round to try to blame you , its the only way he can justify his behaviour to himself. Very early days - his wider family will always be yours to.

EssexWelsh Wed 03-Apr-13 23:44:08

So so sorry to read this, I caught the beginning last night and I have to say I was expecting to see a positive outcome when I checked back.

You have been AMAZING! Your children are incredibly lucky to have such a strong woman as a mother, regardless of what their father is like. Again as other posters have said, sorry to be patronising, but reading this has made me incredibly sad but this is obviously your life and the way you are taking it by the balls and sorting it out, I will always remember you in tough situations!

Good luck for the coming weeks!

AgathaF Thu 04-Apr-13 07:54:33

Definitely get in touch with his sister. You need as much support as possible at the moment.

He is such a deluded shit for trying to put the responsibility for the marriage ending on you. And that's a pretty full on text he sent the OW (the one you got by mistake) if he really had only seen her three times.

Kione Thu 04-Apr-13 07:57:28

I am really sorry that things took that turn. I am shock at his initial silence, and I hope his sister supports you and more importantly that she keeps her friendship with you from now on thanks

Branleuse Thu 04-Apr-13 09:06:31

just say yep, im ending it, fuck off you fucking cheating lying piece of shit

Boosterseat Thu 04-Apr-13 09:25:26

My exp brother is still a wonderful friend almost a decade after we spilt, he is very active in his DNs life (despite minimal contact from deadbeat Dad).

I really hope his sisters are supportive and provide you with a much needed shoulder to cry on.

flowers

ladyjadie Thu 04-Apr-13 09:28:01

He 'didn't know her' well he knew her well enough to ... ugh.

This is your ticket out of loserville, if you kwim.

Lots of hugs

WeAreSix Thu 04-Apr-13 09:47:52

Hope you're ok this morning flowers

getthegirladrink Thu 04-Apr-13 09:51:30

Hey OP, thinking of you this morning flowers

Erebus Thu 04-Apr-13 09:58:49

Just wanted to add my small voice in saying how brilliantly you're handling this.

I know that you'll walk out of this debacle with your head held high, just as you deserve.

Stay strong, look after yourself, and EAT!

Keep posting here, too. We're all right behind you!

flowers

pictish Thu 04-Apr-13 09:59:42

So....he left you dangling for a protracted period before coming home with a 'sorry', and then told you it was you who was responsible for the split eh?

He doesn't much care does he?

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 04-Apr-13 10:03:09

Hope you are ok?

The fact that he left you waiting is very cruel - how fucking dare he blame you for ending the marriage! Pathetic weak spineless creature.

he is a prick - in Scottish that is a very bad word. grin It's 'fighting talk' but that is what he is.

I am so sorry OP, what he has done is spineless and cruel, you are very together - because you know you deserve better than this and so do your children.

He will continue to blame you and throw it back in your face that ' you ended it!' - what were you supposed to do? eejit that he is.

Stay strong, you do deserve better than that.

DragonMamma Thu 04-Apr-13 10:12:00

How are you this morning OP? Hope you managed to get some rest and have eaten something

MakeHayNotStraw Thu 04-Apr-13 10:12:05

God, OP - what a horrible shock for you. Thinking of you today, I hope you got some sleep last night.

MTBMummy Thu 04-Apr-13 10:12:31

Just caught up, and I can't believe what an arse he is being, it's not your fault, he ended it the moment he decided to shag another woman.

But don't play his games, just ignore him, don't rise to his text messages, focus on yourself and your kids, enjoy your Easter break with them, and don't let his stupid childish behavior interfere with that.

I know it's hard to see now, but it does get better, give yourself time to grieve and cry it's good to get it out.
When my ex and I split I was devastated, but looking back, I'm a stronger happier person now than I ever was with him.

kinkyfuckery Thu 04-Apr-13 10:14:15

How are you today OP?

hi OP - so sorry you're going through this.

just wanted to say from the child's perspective (my dad was a cheat and my mum would take him back) it's really important to have at least one parent you can trust and respect. when the mother takes him back as unfair as it may be for the child you can end up being unable to respect or trust either of them.

i really wanted and needed my mother to behave as you are doing but she didn't unfortunately and instead we'd be put through the hell of it all and then he'd come back on the condition it wasn't mentioned. i think i just withdrew from both of them at that point and started counting down the years till i could get out of home.

by being strong and having high standards for yourself and not putting up with this from him they will have one clearly strong, respectable, reliable 'adult' they can feel safe with. all children deserve that. so imo, as someone who went through this kind of thing as a child, you are doing the right thing.

i would tell the children daddy did something very wrong to mummy and now we can't be together anymore - he is still your dad and loves you but we won't live together anymore. i also loved the strategy someone else used of telling their children ten minutes before a favourite programme so that they were given space to 'not talk about it' and permission to switch it off for a while itms. i think children, probably adults too really, need to process stuff in digestible chunks and time slots and to be able to step away from it when it is too much to return to it when they are ready.

you are behaving like a strong, decent adult with clear boundaries and standards that is what children need - it is there 'rock' to hang onto if you like. i am so impressed with how you handling this x

Loserville Thu 04-Apr-13 10:28:55

I'm ok, children are home keeping me busy. Switched my phone on to a begging text 'everyone deserves a second chance, can we talk?' I've told him to give me space, it's the one thing he can do right now.

I didn't sleep very well, I quit smoking 4 weeks ago and the nicotine patches are giving me crazy dreams. I don't know how I've knocked cracked and bought cigarettes.

Loserville Thu 04-Apr-13 10:30:10

not cracked*

clam Thu 04-Apr-13 10:36:11

He will interpret "give me space" as you're planning on forgiving him. Eventually. That's my take on it, anyway.
And no, everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. Possibly, if it'd been a drunken one-night thing, that he'd been distraught over ever since, but this went on for a few months, whereby he was actively deceiving you and lying so he could continue to shag her. How can you ever overlook such lack of respect, commitment and consideration for you and your marriage?

Isabeller Thu 04-Apr-13 10:37:41

'deserves'? hmm

Well done on staying stopped with the smoking. I am so impressed with you, wish I'd been half as wise when splitting with exH. I did get myself some flowers

Loserville Thu 04-Apr-13 10:40:21

He can interpret it as that all he likes. The space is for me to register what has happened and plan a future without him without reading his pathetic texts.If he thinks I'm so stupid as to simply forgive and forget he's more of a fool than I already think he is. I've told him its over and there is no going back. It's all his doing, he destroyed us.

Fairenuff Thu 04-Apr-13 10:40:50

Focussing on the cigarette withdrawal might actually help to distract you from the pain he is causing, for a bit at least.

Good idea to ask for space. You are taking control and doing it all under your terms now. He has no alternative. If he doesn't give you space, he is continuing to show himself as a selfish arse. If he does, you get to come to terms with this and move on with your life without being hassled by him.

What are your plans with the children today? Swimming is always a good one for keeping yourself occupied, as is baking with them. Anything to keep your mind busy.

MadBraLady Thu 04-Apr-13 10:41:45

I know people keep saying this, Loserville but seriously, your grace and strength under fire is amazing, you are one impressive lady.

I think "give me space" was the right thing to say - he can interpret it how he wants, it won't affect your decision-making. Good luck however you decide to spend today.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Thu 04-Apr-13 10:43:43

Hi op

Hang on in there, you really are handling this shit situation fantastically ( even if it doesn't feel like it right now )

Have you thought of trying an e cig.
I have never tried patches, but I am using an e cig at the moment (was also about 4 weeks in when marriage hit the skids) I have found it fairly easy, have had a couple of wobbles but not caved in.

You can get them in most supermarkets other than asda, saves waiting a couple of days for the better quality on line ones.

Good luck (((((hugs)))))

sleeton Thu 04-Apr-13 10:45:25

Hi Loserville , so glad you are hanging on in there, and not at all surprised that you didn't sleep well and am sure that it is not just the nicotine patches that were giving you crazy dreams. Shock is a very physical thing and you just won't be your usual self in any way just now.

I think you did right in telling him to give you space, and it is good to have your children keeping you busy ... routine can help ... but I also think it'd be good if you had someone to talk to today. Someone in RL. Is that possible?
Not to make plans or talk in any definite way ... just to let all that mad jumble of thoughts in your head find some sort of outlet. It would help with the shock.
Is there someone who can be with you today?

Thinking of you. You sound so brave .... what a despicable fool the man is.

AgathaF Thu 04-Apr-13 10:46:50

"everyone deserves a second chance" - fool.

You deserved a husband who didn't cheat on you.

Loserville Thu 04-Apr-13 10:50:05

Thanks. I don't feel strong at all, I think I'm in autopilot. What's the alternative? Have him here, give him another chance, constantly worry everytime he goes out, check his phone. I couldn't live like that, it's mental tortue. This isn't a walk in the park but it sure as hell beats all that. I don't want to end up a paranoid wreck. I'd rather suffer this pain knowing it won't last forever.

He is still only thinking about himself angry

Yes, the alternative is very bleak isn't it? Good on you op thanks

Erebus Thu 04-Apr-13 10:55:23

The only one who can offer a second chance is you. He has no right to expect one.

The one, small thing I would have differently - though of course I am sitting calmly here not in the hurt, angry, emotional maelstrom of where you're (naturally) at!- is, to his 'You've ended the marriage!' text, I would have responded (as someone else said) 'No, when you chose to have sex with another woman, you ended the marriage. And I am not, repeat not going to enter into any discussion that tries to put the blame on me. You know who broke up this marriage, and so do I. I suggest you don't dare try and turn this back on me ever again'.

CabbageLeaves Thu 04-Apr-13 10:57:59

OP. You will get a second chance at happiness. You are not a loser (unless losing a cheating, lying, fucking around, blaming, avoiding any responsibility partner is a loss? Surely a win!)

This will get better. It seems hard but getting back together is also hard. It's just a longer period of hard although at the beginning it can seem like the better option. Please do put yourself first. You and your DC deserve more.

exactly this way it won't last forever and the disruption for you and the children will be gone through just once. when the dust settles there is definite stability and reliability etc.

toffeelolly Thu 04-Apr-13 11:03:09

Just think you have your children thats all you need. x

woopsidaisy Thu 04-Apr-13 11:05:42

Just take your time, each day as it comes. You do not need to rush any decisions. He will just have to accept that you need space and time to process.

And yay about staying off the fags. I quit 15 months ago. Stay with it, if you go back on them you will be in the same place but a smoker again to boot! You quit for a reason, remember that.

ladyjadie Thu 04-Apr-13 11:11:09

I'd say the 'second chance' was blown when he didn't text you back/answer your calls/had a 'call out' hmm

Third chance? Blown when he went to his 'works night out' (double hmm )

I'd say he's being a bit fucking thick if he thinks he deserves anything

Fairenuff Thu 04-Apr-13 11:14:31

As it is, you know that you have nothing to be ashamed of. You don't need to question your decisions or wonder about the what ifs. You didn't cheat. You didn't lie about where you were, what you were doing, who you were seeing. You didn't leave him to care for the children whilst you sought out cheap sexual thrills. You didn't disregard the feelings of the people close to you. You didn't abandon your children all for the sake of a quick grapple. He did all that. On his own.

Everyone deserves a second chance. Well he had his second chance. The second time he texted her. The second time he spoke to her. The second time he saw her. The second time he shagged her. He had a chance to stop. To think wtf am I doing? But he didn't. According to him, he went back for thirds. And that is probably just the tip of the iceberg.

Where did he meet her? Was he looking? Was he paying her? Were there any others? These are things that you will probably never know because he will never be honest about it. And you will never be able to trust him because he has proved himself a self-centred liar.

this will sound awful but he really sounds like a horrid man - driving round in his van sending leery texts like, 'get your boobs out' to some woman having just waved goodbye to his wife and kids.

did you get together young OP? do you think you as who you are now would have picked him as a partner? i think getting a really clear picture of who he is and who you are now may help. to me you sound worth a hell of a lot more than a 'get your boobs out love' kind of neanderthal.

sleeton Thu 04-Apr-13 11:41:53

Yes, me too, I would agree with what Erebus has said. This 'You've ended the marriage!' text, I would have responded (as someone else said) 'No, when you chose to have sex with another woman, you ended the marriage. And I am not, repeat not going to enter into any discussion that tries to put the blame on me. You know who broke up this marriage, and so do I. I suggest you don't dare try and turn this back on me ever again'

It would be good if you could make this clear to him in response to his text. His text does imply that, already, his mind is groping around trying to create a 'shared blame situation'. You do not deserve that, he has no right to try do that ... especially on top of what he HAS done.

sassy34264 Thu 04-Apr-13 11:48:38

I read this the other night and have just come back and seen it unfold. I'm so sorry.

I'll echo what other's have said- You are amazing and strong.

I totally agree with you on the rationale for not taking him back. I'm also of the opinion (after reading mn relationship boards for far too long) that it is a lot of heartache, paranoia and too much like a long hard slog to be worth it.

I'd sooner hurt for a bit too, (even though it is awful) and get rid of the dead wood.

I wouldn't be able to stop the anger, resentment and utter lack of respect from growing inside me, if he was lying by me in bed at night. not to mention the irresistable urge to put a knife between his shoulder blades

Stay strong. x

youarewinning Thu 04-Apr-13 11:53:48

I'm so sorry to hear what happened - only jut come onto this thread.

Great advice a always from MNers - can I also say you sound so sensible and level headed and your posts are so sincere and heartfelt.

Although your world has just crumbled something tell me you and your children are going to be jut fine. thanks

Loserville Thu 04-Apr-13 11:56:09

We were young when we met, met at 18, married 2 years later. The last 12 years have been near perfect. Yes, we had our arguments but nothing major.,I think it would be easier if our marriage had been terrible. Looks like I don't know him at all.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Thu 04-Apr-13 11:58:30

No, it's not that you didn't know him. It's that he chose to hide a part of who he is from you. That is NOT your fault.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 04-Apr-13 12:01:58

If he had rushed home, admitted the truth, begged for forgiveness and taken full responsibility for his cheating actions then he might have deserved a second chance.

I know how shocking it is to realise the man you married isn't who you thought he was. As it sounds like he cheated because he wanted it all, I am sure if you looked back, you will realise he has been selfish but you chose to overlook these incidents.

How you could have known that side of him - it was only by chance you discovered it

Instead of coming and telling you that he wanted out of the marriage he chose to cheat and in the sleaziest way possible

sorry mate but life doesnt work like that

you're being brilliant - yes there are rotten days to come but always always remember that you will look back some day and realise how far you've moved on

Fairenuff Thu 04-Apr-13 12:26:39

I think that, whenever we find ourselves in a tight spot, our true character comes out.

When he realised he had been rumbled, your dh went into 'fight or flight' mode. And he flew. His instinct was to get away from the difficulty. And at that time, the difficulty was you, op. So he hid from you, licked his wounds and tried to work out the best way for his survival.

When you discovered his infidelity, op, you showed great strength, courage and presence of mind right from the start. You didn't mess about, make excuses for him, stick your head in the sand. You stood your ground. You chose to fight. For yourself, your dignity, your children, your right to be treated with respect.

That is what everyone on this thread admires about you. Your natural character will stand you in good stead. You absolutely will get through this awful time and emerge with your head held high. You are already seeking support for yourself, through mn and in rl. You instinctively know what you need and how to get it. Your children are lucky to have such an inspiring mum x

Loserville Thu 04-Apr-13 12:33:03

Well the gossiping has begun and it turns out I have met this woman before at a party in December. A mutual friend knows her well. His story about meeting her on a night out isn't looking believable, I don't know. I'm getting to the stage where I need to know exactly how all this materialised. Did he chase her? Not that it matters, I know.

Plans for the day have been scuppered, youngest dd has a temp and some very chicken pox like spots sad

Loserville Thu 04-Apr-13 12:33:57

Thanks fairenuff

DragonMamma Thu 04-Apr-13 12:41:04

From the way he's behaved so far - coming in at the eleventh hour and 'admitting' everything, I would guess there's more to the story than he's letting on - end of February, my arse.

I think you're handling this brilliantly, even though you may not think so. Your logic and realising the reality of what life would be like if you took him back is admirable and I hope you hang on to it and dont get bogged down with everything else.

BalloonSlayer Thu 04-Apr-13 12:42:45

hmm I did wonder about the" only met her a month ago and has only seen her 3 times" claim . . . The texts seem too familiar and cosy than that, I mean they don't sound like two people who have only met three times, no matter what they did on those three occasions. angry

ShabbyChit Thu 04-Apr-13 12:43:49

I'm so sorry you are in this position OP but my god you have no idea how amazing you are for handling it like this!
I have so much respect for you right now and you come across as a great person.
what a twat he is for behaving this way!

forgetmenots Thu 04-Apr-13 12:43:54

OP this just gets worse, what a horrible thing to do. You're doing everything right, can only hope I would have your strength in this situation. Really hope your dc doesn't have chickenpox.

could some of your friends do some digging for you?

i know i'd want to know exactly what happened so i can understand the need to know. but it will be very hurtful what you hear

Fairenuff Thu 04-Apr-13 12:49:39

Ah sorry to hear your dd seems poorly. Can you stock up on lovely nourishing soup and crusty bread, cheese and fruit. Get some ice cream too and borrow dvds from anyone willing to lend. Have a duvet day and just rest.

It won't really help to know all the details but it will satisfy your curiosity. Maybe write a list of all the things you'd like to know, as they occur to you and put it away for a later date. Did you contact your sil yet?

GaryBuseysTeeth Thu 04-Apr-13 12:50:16

Really hope it's not chickenpox for your DD.
You're coming across so well on here, so strong.

Back against the wall & he thinks he can get away with lying to you still & get a second chance?! angry

Clumsyoaf Thu 04-Apr-13 12:52:33

Hi Op, Been lurking but just had to post.

I think you are handling this incredibly, i just wanted to tell you about a friend who went through something similar with her not so "D" h, she was adamant that he be the one to tell the children what he had done and what it meant for them as a family. He took them to the park and told them he had made a "mistake" and that mummy wouldnt forgive him. He then went on to regale them of times when they were so sad at having made a mistake and how they felt. He messed with the poor childrens head. Her 6 year old refused to speak to her and her 12 year old told her he hated her. He had turned it all round on her dont let mangy cock do this to your children.

Dont engage with his behaviour via text, send him a letter via a solicitor outlining what you and the kids need and refuse contact. For someone to take such a big step out of a relationship that bore three kids he deserves to be humiliated within his own family and shown up for the utter prick he is.

I really wish you can continue to be so strong - and crying isnt a sign of weakness its a sign that you are a human with feelings, something neither that beast and his OW are.

good luck x way more hand holding.

Loserville Thu 04-Apr-13 13:09:43

I'm sure it'll all come out eventually.i just need to try and stop thinking about the sordid details. The chances of getting the full sorry story from him looks pretty slim.

Going to bake some cakes and watch a DVD today , tbh I didn't feel much like going out today anyway. I'll stay in this little bubble for now.. Thanks everyone.

sassy34264 Thu 04-Apr-13 13:12:41

Sorry to hear about your dd. I second the icecream and dvds. (think i may do that myself tomorrow!)

I would be telling his sisters, family, friends asap.

He seems to be living in his own little make believe bubble- it's not what you think, you don't know her, started in feb, only 3 times, you ended it not me.

I think it needs bursting before he runs away with the idea that he can keep getting away with all this complete and utter bullshit.

Cuddlydragon Thu 04-Apr-13 13:24:00

I've been lurking and only just caught up. I'm so sorry it turned out like this, and I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Please change your username, it simply doesn't apply. I admire how strong and dignified you've been. I don't have any personal experience or advice, but I notice you're Glasgow based, I am too, vaguely south side. I'm happy to offer any practical help I can, just pm me. I think you sound like you've got good RL support though, but just in case. Best wishes OP.

Xales Thu 04-Apr-13 13:46:21

If no one else has said it please get yourself a complete STI check asap.

Also even if you have no intention of taking him back tell him his first step is a complete STI check himself. Humiliating and drives home what a selfish wanker he has been.

I have never heard a cheater when caught go OK you have caught me and tell everything. They minimise and tell what little they can get away to protect themselves (not their partner even if they say this is what they are doing).

/hugs

MarinaIvy Thu 04-Apr-13 13:54:58

Hi, I haven't read all the posts (just yours), since I'm trying to Catch Up in a Hurry, so I don't know if anybody else has suggested this: OP, early on, you mentioned that his workmate collected him. Others suggested that this may well be a ruse, I saw one poster even mention an entire ring of cheaters "going out to work".

Your ex-DH's workmate is aiding and abetting cheating. Is he married? Do you know his wife?

You see where I'm going with this... I'd seriously consider giving her a ring and telling her what you know about your own exDH, it's entirely up to her if she chooses to employ the element of surprise in checking her own DH's texts, etc.

Honestly, this is the only contribution I can make because I think you're doing brilliantly! I accept that you might be feeling like a walking pile of jelly inside, but I'm blown away by how strong and resolved you are and - for want of better word, sorry - efficiently? you've turned this corner.

Thanks. I don't feel strong at all, I think I'm in autopilot. What's the alternative? Have him here, give him another chance, constantly worry everytime he goes out, check his phone. I couldn't live like that, it's mental tortue. This isn't a walk in the park but it sure as hell beats all that. I don't want to end up a paranoid wreck. I'd rather suffer this pain knowing it won't last forever.

^^ This - there should be a Mumsnet statue of you. You've got a clarity that is almost amazing at this stage in the process.

And what Fairenuff said about character - that too, with bells on.

It is said by wise people that courage isn't "never being afraid", but pressing on despite your fears. I think strength must be defined not as "never feeling weak", but doing what's right, no matter how weak you feel or how hard it may seem.

If your FW learns nothing else, he'll learn that he can't get away with things like this and women aren't that dumb. OK, that leaves several billion more men on the planet that need their own lessons, but it's a start - you've done your bit! grin

Sorry, long - but sometimes a thread will stir me to sheer f&^%ing (probably bad) poetry, and you, non-Loserville are one of those times.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Thu 04-Apr-13 13:55:30

I know alot of folks do alot of communication with texting, superficial soundbites, and see nothing wrong with it. It is fine for arranging playdates and saying that the plane has landed ok etc. But the kind of communication that Bag of Slimeshit husband should be doing with you should be done face to face.

Squeaking out a minimized "sorry" (sorry for himself more like) and the "it's not what it looks like, it's not what you think" line: don't all the little boys learn to say that when they are behind the wood shed learning the naughty-naughty as the go to line in case they get caught? The channel of excuses...just filing through them chapter and verse, isn't he? Not a shred of sincerity anywhere.

Using texting to "fight for you"...more like fight with you. It is so cowardly, as others have said, to text things like the line blaming you for the split. I can picture him huddled with his work buddies debating what ball of crap to text next...ring the doorbell and run! Btw, I hope his work buddies are having a good laugh at his expense; he is getting just what he deserves. I wonder how many of them have turned him down for a place to kip...

Sorry, I digress. Perhaps you might consider getting a new phone/number to spare yourself from his juvenile tantrums, and then communicate via solicitor exclusively as suggested above.

I am sorry you didn't get the 'happily ever after'. It is important to grieve that, for yourself. flowers for you and get well soon for your dd. "Take each day one step at a time, and time will take care of the rest". {{hug}}

JaxTellerIsAllMine Thu 04-Apr-13 13:57:01

loser you will never get the details from him, only what he wants you to hear. sad

If friends already knew then it has probably gone on longer than he said too.

Im sure plenty of rl friends will help you out if needed, but you are strong and doing really well.

Dont be ashamed to tell people what has happened, in no way is any of this your fault. <wee unmn ug>

KoPo Thu 04-Apr-13 13:57:26

OP (I will not call you loser as you are so far from that)

Well done for taking firm and decisive action. Your doing just great! This is the second thread in relationships that I am following closely and on both of them the cheated on partner has acted in a similar way and has done well to say enough.
Take whatever small comfort you can from the fact that you are creating a stable and solid place for your children no matter what. as SAF has already said they will see your strength and will respect that as they grow up. I know that right now your world has been shattered and that everything is feeling very raw, take your time as you heal without him.

Good luck in your future without the deadweight that was your (not so)DH. I and a good number of people on here admire your courage.

Inertia Thu 04-Apr-13 14:31:19

L-ville (you are so not a loser - Wifeofloserville would be much more accurate ) - you are awesome. Glad to see you the children are keeping you busy ( though I hope they don't all end up poorly with chicken pox).

Your husband takes the biscuit doesn't he? All about what he deserves - nothing about how you and the children deserve to keep your happiness. He ended the marriage when he had sex with another woman - as PPs have said , he blew his second chance the second time he went with her.

Given his lies and seemingly endless ability to make out hoe hard done to he is, it would probably be wise to tell the children together just so he can't spin his lies their way.

Stay strong, you are doing a fantastic job.

MadamFolly Thu 04-Apr-13 14:36:41

OP, you are doing so well. Deffo tell everyone including his family, he does not deserve to have his filthy little secrets covered up.

MarinaIvy Thu 04-Apr-13 14:48:38

Ooh, wouldn't it be brilliant if your DC has the chickenpox (and you and other DCs have had it already) but neither exDH nor OW have had it? And now they do? As adults?

Oooh. That's just evil. Gorgeously, deliciously, deservedly evil...

JaxTellerIsAllMine Thu 04-Apr-13 15:49:51

marina that would be the karma fairy in full action mode! grin

MarinaIvy Thu 04-Apr-13 15:57:07

The karma fairy is a bitch. But she's mainly on our side...

Loserville Thu 04-Apr-13 16:10:16

Dd3 definitely has CP sad Done lots of baking too. I could sleep for a week. I told the children Dad is working away for a few days so won't worry about that for now. Both off us telling them is probably best but I can't face that just yet especially having to see him. Received another text from him asking for his phone charger and a couple of other things he needs. I've put them in the boot of the car for him to collect and told him not to come near the house as I've told dd's he's working away. He said fine.

I've had a few wobbles where my heart actually aches missing him, but had a word with myself about that.

MarinaIvy Thu 04-Apr-13 16:12:38

And have you told people yet, non-loser?

Oh love, it's crapper than crap, stay strong, it will be alright you know {{{{{{{{ big hug }}}}}}}

Loserville Thu 04-Apr-13 16:16:35

No haven't told anyone. Well apart from my friend that's away in holiday. I'm sure his sister knows as he said hes staying there. Haven't heard from her though.

undercoverSAHM Thu 04-Apr-13 16:19:48

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Perhaps if you have been together since you were so young, it is just a minor exploration on the part of your h that won't be repeated.....?

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you and your family well.

Fairenuff Thu 04-Apr-13 16:26:45

I bet he hasn't told her, op. He's probably said you've had a row or something. If she knew you were separating, she'd have been in touch, I'm sure.

You are bound to miss him. You will grieve for the old relationship that you thought you had. It will be very, very tough for a while. Good days and bad. Just concentrate on getting through one hour at a time x

So sorry you're going through this.

I liked the advice about phoning his workmate's wife. If he and his workmates are enabling each other in this behaviour, they probably have convinced themselves that shagging women you are not married to is normal behaviour.

He is a cowardly shit. You are stronger than you know. Good luck with breaking free of this dirty liar.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Thu 04-Apr-13 16:29:07

really undercover that still doesnt make it ok though. And his reaction or rather non reaction since has been absolutely shit. No excuse can make it 'right'

op please tell some people in real life, friends, his family. Chances are he has given his sister a cock n bull shit story and she is clueless.

Fairenuff Thu 04-Apr-13 16:30:19

undercover 'minor exploration'. Really? Comments like that are not helpful to op at the moment. Please don't insult her feelings by minimising his behaviour.

Bluelightsandsirens Thu 04-Apr-13 16:34:17

Enjoy those cakes, great thinking about putting his stuff in the boot.

You are doing so well x

littlemissbunny Thu 04-Apr-13 16:36:24

This is my first post on this thread as I've only just read it all but I just wanted to add my support and say well done for being so strong.

If you feel like crying just do it, there is no shame at all in it, and sometimes it can be a great release.

Good luck for the future, take care of yourself you are important too.

I thought committing to someone (even more so in a marriage) meant you didn't 'explore' other people hmm

iloveweetos Thu 04-Apr-13 16:37:37

OP you are amazingly strong..horrible that this is the outcome!
nothing can explain cheating away.
Look after yourself and stand your ground as you are doing.
xx

littlemissbunny Thu 04-Apr-13 16:38:26

And forgot to say hope DD is ok, and I recommend antihistamine syrup for the itching.

Loserville Thu 04-Apr-13 16:46:32

I can't see it as minor exploration at all. If he wants to go exploring he should have ended our relationship first. I do understand where you're coming from undercover and many people would be able to forgive this but I can't.

I'll call my sil tonight once dd's are in bed.

loopylou6 Thu 04-Apr-13 16:47:52

I'm sorry you're having to go through this, I'm absolutely in awe of how you're handing things, you are one strong lady flowers

MarinaIvy Thu 04-Apr-13 16:50:32

I second everybody else - don't want to pressure you, esp since you've been doing so well!, but you've mentioned your SIL as being a good friend, and I think she deserves to know the truth, which she sure as frick ain't gonna get from her brother.

Indeed, although I mentioned phoning the workmate's wife, it was as a general concept, and nothing like as important as looking after you and your own. Telling your SIL is different, though - she's more part of your life, has been supportive, etc. Don't let his lies take this support from you. I'm not asking you to put any pressure on her to chuck him out, but she deserves to know why he's really there.

I guess everybody else was right about him not going to live with OW...

Fairenuff Thu 04-Apr-13 17:01:02

It's not 'minor' anything, op. It's a pretty fucking major impact on you and your girls.

Short of a bereavement, I can't think of anything more major that could happen in your life. And it is like a bereavement. It's a big adjustment and lots of emotional upheaval.

Hang in there, it's nearly teatime. That will be another day under your belt x

AllThatGlistens Thu 04-Apr-13 17:16:38

You are being so incredibly strong and dignified OP!

I know you won't feel that way but its true, please make sure you talk to your SIL if you feel able, or another friend.

It's completely fine to rant and rail, sob or sit quietly and feel numb! All of which is normal behaviour under the circs.

You will be devastated, and you will be incredibly angry, but most of all you will get through this flowers

PlasticLentilWeaver Thu 04-Apr-13 17:17:34

Wow! I normally steer clear of this type of thread, but have to de-lurk just to express my awe at your resilience. You sound like the most incredible, brave and strong woman. The sort of woman I would probably be proud to know and call a friend in real life.

VitoCorleone Thu 04-Apr-13 17:19:10

Glad to hear you're keeping yourself busy with baking but sorry to hear your DD has chicken pox.

I totally agree that this short term pain is far far better than the alternative, a life with somebody you dont trust, ive been there, every time he left the house my heart would be pounding wondering if he was really going where he said he was, constantly checking his phone, wondering if he was lying constantly - its an absolute waste of a life.

You know, i completely isolated myself, i wouldnt leave the house because i was terrified that that the second i was out he would be out cheating on me. Thats how bad things got for me.

I really hope you dont take him back and end up like i did. You are a strong woman and can get through this and come out the other side even stronger.

bluestar2 Thu 04-Apr-13 17:20:32

OP you are doing so well. You have handled yourself with great dignity and strength. I hope there is someone in RL you can confide in and seek some comfort from. Your right this isnt a minor thing and I couldnt play it down either.

StuffezLaBouche Thu 04-Apr-13 17:29:51

Minor exploration, dear God.
You continue to sound amazingly strong, OP. selfish, selfish man. Oddly enough, IME, the people who claim everyone deserves one chance are the ones who would go ballistic if anyone did the dirty on them.
Your kids are lucky to have a mum who is so strong for them.

Inertia Thu 04-Apr-13 17:31:15

It isn't a minor exploration, it's a major, marriage-wrecking, life - changing betrayal .

Good idea to call SIL - your H is no doubt trotting out his lies to everyone else.

KoPo Thu 04-Apr-13 17:37:45

Minor exploration my arse! The shit that some people come out with is mindboggling at times. Bit like the poster on another thread im on saying that the cheated on partner is massively overreacting and is somehow unreasonable for kicking his cheating wife out.

Just goes to show that some people will condone anything.

Stay strong OP your doing just great.

forgetmenots Thu 04-Apr-13 17:38:55

Very true plasticlentilweaver. So say all of us!

CabbageLeaves Thu 04-Apr-13 17:50:34

How would your (D)H feel if you had a minor exploration of another mans cock OP ?

Just wondering seeing as it seems to be a tolerable thing to undercover. Might need to readjust my 'deal breaker' list confused

KoPo Thu 04-Apr-13 17:58:46

CabbageLeaves

Its sure on my deal breaker list ..... In fact infidelity is one of that lists top items along with any form of abuse.

Finola1step Thu 04-Apr-13 18:00:15

Hi OP. Sorry to hear that your dd has chicken pox. When mine had it, I used Virasoothe which is pricey but really good. Found it particularly useful at night and on the scalp. Was the only thing that would help my dd get off to sleep and right now, you need as much rest as you can get. Take care.

TeaOneSugar Thu 04-Apr-13 18:13:01

His sister needs to know the truth, she's probably not been in touch because she's heard some cock and bull story for your DH.

I'd get the truth out there asap.

God I love how all the men on here who cheat say "I'll fight for you" after they've put their knob in another woman and been found out.

How about not cheating and not having to fight?.

Op, don't be too surprised if your exp's family cut you off, dh had loads of nieces and nephews with his exp, they spent 22 years together. He's godfather to a couple. They came round for a while after the split but only to spy because I was there. I wasn't the ow but she told him he'd never have anyone again so I was a surprise.

You've done so well so far.

cfc Thu 04-Apr-13 18:36:17

i'm delurking to say i'm thinking of you and your babies, op.

Fairenuff Thu 04-Apr-13 18:37:13

"I'll fight for you" means "I'll fight to have my life back how it was before you found out I cheated. I'll fight to have my comfy homelife, my wife available to me, my chilren respecting me".

It is all in vain. What is done cannot be undone.

toffeelolly Thu 04-Apr-13 18:48:05

Op we are all thinking of you, hope your little dd is feeling better. x

Hi loserville have been reading your thread and haven't been able to post any practical advice up until now. You are so strong.

My dd has chicken pox and the best thing for her has been bicarbonate of soda baths, piriton, nurofen for her temp and that cream you dab on the spots (can't remember what it's called now) which I kept in the fridge. A friend also told me virasoothe is great as you can spread it all over their skin rather than dabbing. If you need to get out of the house - we put dd in pyjamas and took her to a safari park so stayed in the car as she got fed up of the house. Sorry if you knew all of this just wanted to help in some way smile.

I'm also so sorry you're going through this, he's obviously an idiot. thanks

pansyflimflam Thu 04-Apr-13 19:14:57

flowers. Stay strong luvvie, he's a fool x

Loserville Thu 04-Apr-13 19:27:24

Thanks for the advice re CP. I'll get some of that Virasoothe tomorrow.

His sister called and asked what had happened. She said he had just said we had a fall out which made me laugh. Told her the actual reason. She said as he's her brother she'll put him up for now but she plans on telling him exactly what she thinks of him. She is coming round tomorrow so that's good.

According to her he's been out all day. He's off work as we had planned to maybe go for a long weekend somewhere. Bet he's at her house sad

captainbarnacle Thu 04-Apr-13 19:35:45

Deluded fool. A fall out indeed.

Fairenuff Thu 04-Apr-13 19:37:56

If he is, he's wishing he was at yours.

That was predictable of him to tell his sister that. He is full of cliches. I think it really hasn't hit him yet. He is still in denial. He probably really does think it will all blow over.

He got a lot more shocks to come yet.

Jux Thu 04-Apr-13 20:03:42

So if he's too ashamed to tell his sister the truth then he is fully aware of how much he's fucked up; so when he tries to tell you that it was unimportant and he deserves a second chance and forgiveness and all that, it is just chancing it really.

Poor dd sad, hope she recovers quickly.

Good to see you so strong. I think you're coping admirably.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Thu 04-Apr-13 20:55:50

When my DC had the pox some bicarb in the bath soothed the itchiness - sort of neutralises them. Also some porridge oats in an old tight leg while bath running will help sooth the skin.

I knew he wouldnt tell his sister the truth. Arse that he is.

Doesnt matter whether he is with her or out with mates - if he gave enough of a shit he would be with you, begging forgiveness, trying his best to right his wrongs. sad That should tell you all you need to know.

Loserville Thu 04-Apr-13 20:56:31

I think he's thinking I won't say anything to anyone and welcome him back with open arms after a few days. He is in for a shock.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 04-Apr-13 21:11:17

Poor DD and poor you.

It does sounds like he thinks that it will all blow over, he has to say sorry and be nice to you then things can go back to the way these were before hmm

Hope you all have a peaceful night.

Rindercella Thu 04-Apr-13 21:33:05

Poor DD and poor you. Chicken pox is the last thing you need in your house right now. God, you sound so together though (and I know you probably don't feel it, but to be so coherent whilst you have all this rubbish going on around you is pretty bloody amazing).

I think he has behaved appallingly fwiw. Not only did he cheat on you. He - after sending the wrong text to the wrong woman (what an idiot) chose to ignore you and the situation, presumably hoping it would just somehow go away. He then chose to deny everything. He then chose to lie about the extent of his cheating. He then chose to try and blame you for breaking up your marriage. All of the above is incredibly disrespectful and he has in no way demonstrated how he is going to 'fight' for you. But I know you know all this LV. I hope you are managing to get some rest.

Loserville Thu 04-Apr-13 21:44:08

Just relaxing now, girls all tucked up in bed, apart from dd3 who is snuggled with me snoring her head off. Can't beat the snuggles.

forgetmenots Thu 04-Apr-13 21:46:12

You're doing brilliantly. And having some space with your girls to heal is just the best idea. What a fuckwit your husband is to lose that for a cheap shag. You are so much better than him and he knows it.

LifeMovesOn Thu 04-Apr-13 22:15:10

Ah hmm so sorry to hear this. You are doing so well, I'm not patronising since I've been there and we all deal with it differently.

His sister will want to offer you her sympathy, sadly though her loyalties will probably have to stay with her brother. I chose not to involve my ex family since it was not their problem, besides they are like the mafia, all gather together. They gave my ex an incredibly hard time (no more than he deserved) and like yours, he moved in with his sister.

Your main priority is to yourself - that way you'll be in a better frame of mind to help your children.

Keep talking things over on here - it really does help.

I wish I was closer to you to offer a friendly shoulder while yours are away.

Hope you get some decent sleep tonight thanks

Loserville Thu 04-Apr-13 23:01:34

His sister has now asked if she can take the girls to hers tomorrow (minus the spotty one) because H is desperate to see them. Fgs I told her I told the girls he was away working. She said he is really upset boofuckinghoo and he has a right to see them. Sounds like he's working his magic and getting her onside.

forgetmenots Thu 04-Apr-13 23:05:13

OP don't let them speak to your dc before you've told them what is happening, god knows what he might say.

His sister will stick by him.

Bluelightsandsirens Thu 04-Apr-13 23:05:47

angry what happens with seeing the DC is between you and him and I would ignore any family messages about what he has a right to unless they suggest a right to fuck the fuck off of course.

Fairenuff Thu 04-Apr-13 23:10:16

Don't worry about that for now. Just decide what you want to do.

Why not tell sil that you will discuss it directly with him, so that she doesn't get involved as the 'peacemaker'. Personally, I would want to tell the children what's happening first, either alone or together with him, so that you know what they have been told.

Otherwise, he could start filling their heads with his nonsense too.

imtheonlyone Thu 04-Apr-13 23:11:09

Hi. I've been following this thread and haven't felt that I've had any real advice to add.

I'm so gutted for you and your DDs. You certainly don't deserve any of this.

I wanted to say that you are one hell of an amazing woman. You're dealing with all of this brilliantly and not falling for his 'poor me' act! Unlike his sister clearly!! Please stick to your guns here. Too right boo hop that he's missing his family - GOOD!! Actions have consequences and this is his consequence for cheating!! You absolutely do not have to let them go and see him. What a shame that she appears to be coming round to his side hmm. He must be putting on quite an act!

Stay strong lovely, there's absolutely nothing they can do. Stand your ground, explain you have told them he is away and any different will just confuse them - which it will. If they go round there they will start asking questions about why dad is there etc etc! Do it your way. Whatever you are comfortable with.

Good luck OP, the support and advice on here for you is amazing. Let it keep you going strong.

FennCara Thu 04-Apr-13 23:13:59

OP, this is exactly how it fell on me. I thought my SIL was my friend until her brother cheated on me. hmm

I don't know why it works that way, but it does. sad

He had 'rights' to my DCs too, to the extent where she entered my house, picked up a bewildered DS and carried him out to see Daddy at the end of the drive. I cannot begin to describe my FURY.

FWIW children have rights to see their parents, not vice versa. Parents have responsibilities not rights.

cjel Thu 04-Apr-13 23:21:44

I would think its better for him to 'come home' from work when you said he would and then explain to them what has happened. He is going to get used to missing them nows hes messed up isn't he? and he won't be able to have what he wants all the time either now .However lovely dsil is she will always be his sister . My sil told my dd(29) that she had to get over it less than 6 months after!! Don't be spiteful but don't do what you don't want to.xxx

Fairenuff Thu 04-Apr-13 23:22:24

I'm glad he wants to see the children. He would be even more of a lowlife if he didn't. He must be missing them like crazy.

However, this is all his own doing and he now needs to put what is best for his children before his own selfish wants. Clearly, this is going to be a very hard lesson for him.

carabossse Thu 04-Apr-13 23:26:24

It's all about him isn't it?
He's not desperate to see the child who is ill, he's not desperate to see his wife (and prove he is sorry, or just offer practical support) he is feeling upset and wants to feel better. Ignoring that it's not a child's job to provide emotional support to a parent (in fact it can be considered abuse.) He's already drawn his sister into his "poor me" routine. He got her to phone his wife!

Unfortunately it's too common for his family to behave like this, be careful what you confide in them ( or what the children say.)

pictish Thu 04-Apr-13 23:26:43

OP I'm really sorry about all of this.

His sister is going to take his side, and he will be making damn sure she's on it. It's not as though he hasn't seen the kids for weeks or anything...it has been a couple of days. He's not respecting your boundaries, or your request for space at all.
He's making things difficult for you straight away and linking arms with his sister to do so. He's forcing the issue, because he wants this all done and over with, and life back to normal after he has seen the error of his ways and you have forgiven him. His sister now wants that too.

You'll have to look elsewhere for support, but don't be swayed.

Doha Thu 04-Apr-13 23:30:58

He clearly wasn't missing the DC's when he was sticking his dick in the OW was he?
Tough shit mate, you better get used to not seeing the kids every day, you made your choice when you fucked the OW, you certainly fucked up your life big time and yes you will live to regret it.
Poor DH is upset..upset because he was caught nothing else.
Bastard

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Thu 04-Apr-13 23:34:31

No.
She minds her business regarding visitation. It's between you and him.

Tell her to fuck off or however you want to word it. It's painful and messy enough without family members deciding they get to have an opinion on visitation, especially in such early days.

carabossse Thu 04-Apr-13 23:36:58

And this business of how much he misses them- 24 hours after he didn't return home from work and didn't say where he was, supposedly on a work's night out? What nonsense.

Loserville Thu 04-Apr-13 23:37:53

I'm not going to get involved in some battle of me against them. He can't even do the one thing I asked of him to give me space. I never ever said he wouldn't see the children, but 48 hours since all this happened and he's playing the 'poor me' card. Tough shit, I'm going to have to tell them sooner rather than later incase he shows up here. I just wanted a few days of normality for them before their little lives change for good sad What a selfish man, me me me.

I expected more from his sister, I told her during our phone call all of the above and she agreed. Now she's done a u turn. Maybe me being naive yet again.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Thu 04-Apr-13 23:40:33

I'd remind him of that when you tell them.

I suppose the only positive is it won't be too drawn out for them.

But MAN he is a self absorbed pig. angry

Doha Thu 04-Apr-13 23:40:46

Blood is thicker than water OP and your DH has probably spun some sob story about you being unreasonable etc. turning it all on you.
She is not your friend.
I would agree that you have to tell the DC's sooner rather than later, can l ask how old they are ?

pictish Thu 04-Apr-13 23:41:33

Blood is often thicker than water. Families tend to close ranks at these times.

I agree with everything specialagent and carabosse said just there.

Inertia Thu 04-Apr-13 23:45:26

Of course he wants the children to go to his sister's house. He wants the opportunity to fill their heads with his lies and tales of how mean you are being to him - the last thing he wants is you there telling them the actual truth.

In your shoes I would insist on him coming to the house and you being there while he explains why he's moved out.

Loserville Thu 04-Apr-13 23:51:27

They are 5, 7 and 10.

He's not going to try and control this situation, he may think he can but he wont.

Fairenuff Thu 04-Apr-13 23:51:47

I would also want to know beforehand what he intended to tell them. You need to agree between you what terminology you use. Preferably write it down so that he can't backtrack.

Fairenuff Fri 05-Apr-13 00:24:37

Another thought, op. It might be a good idea to get the locks changed so that he has to knock on the door when he comes round.

I am pretty sure that, in his mind, he really does think it will all blow over once you've 'calmed down'. He probably hasn't given a thought to telling the children anything other than 'mum and dad have fallen out' - the same lies he spun for his sister.

Once he is faced with the truth, that he has to tell them he won't be coming home and he has to knock on what used to be his own front door, I think the seriousness of his situation will start to sink in.

MummyOfSunbeam Fri 05-Apr-13 00:34:54

Op - not at all loser! - you are fantastic.

As others have recommended do change the locks - important symbol too - and woah that bitch sil - how dare she speak of rights and advocate for him.

All all good wishes and admiration for your classiness

pollypandemonium Fri 05-Apr-13 00:37:10

If you really want to meet him then ask the sister to be there as well and have a witness there for yourself too. I say this because it prevents the 'he said/she said' nonsense that happens when families close ranks and take sides. She needs to see the situation as it really is and not just her brother's version.

Gingerbread are very good with giving advice about benefits and rights for single parents.

Loserville Fri 05-Apr-13 00:37:23

Thanks, that's a good idea. I don't want him trying to make sly digs or turn things round when we tell them.

I have his key already. I took it off his key ring yesterday morning. He probably hasn't noticed.

Jux Fri 05-Apr-13 00:38:03

I suspect he won't tell them, if he can avoid it. TBH, op, I'd tell them myself, to make sure it's done sensitively, truthfully and without blame. I think you are going to have to tell them quite soon; it doesn't seem hugely likely that he's going to respect your request for space for very long.

Maybe if you told his sister that you have no intention of preventing contact except for this initial short time. Remind her that parents don't have rights either, as has already been said.

If he wants to show he really is remorseful so you can continue to parent jointly and cooperatively, he will "suffer in silence" for this short time. This is the consequence of his own actions.

pollypandemonium Fri 05-Apr-13 00:38:09

Have you got someone who can be there with you?

pollypandemonium Fri 05-Apr-13 00:41:40

I agree with Jux that you should tell them yourself and as soon as possible what's going on.

chairyhin Fri 05-Apr-13 00:45:31

Change your name ..where are you ?

Loserville Fri 05-Apr-13 00:46:59

My first thought yesterday was I wanted to be the one who told them. I know them inside out, I know how to handle their tears. I think it could be more upsetting having him there. Also, he could point blank refuse to be part of that conversation anyway. I imagine him using lines like 'mummy doesn't want me living here anymore'.

Milly22 Fri 05-Apr-13 00:56:38

Hi, new to post and read the first couple of comments 2 days ago and really thought there would have been a simple explanation. What a complete and wanker angry. You sound like a really strong lady and fab mum. Since deciding to divorce my H after Christmas (no affair, just thinks the sun shines through his own arse, a hairy one at that!) the ladies on mumsnet have been an amazing support and when I was having really bad day somebody would comment and bring a smile to my face smile. Thinking of you flowers

Milly22 Fri 05-Apr-13 01:03:11

Yes, you've got to tell them yourself, he lied to you and initially to your SIL so he'd probably twist the truth to them too. Tell them asap while there's a couple of days before they go back to school so it'll sink in. Told ds on the 1st Sunday of the Easter Hols and he broke his little hart initially (he's 9) but when we sat down and explained things to him he was ok. He's had nearly two weeks for it to sink in without worrying about school. Just keep on talking to them and answer any questions you can. They will adjust and be a massive support to you and as parents, we often don't give them enough credit on how well they deal with things.

pollypandemonium Fri 05-Apr-13 01:07:52

I just read some more of your posts and I see that you have no family and you are also very close to his family. That's going to make it so much harder for you, have you got friends to support you?

Loserville Fri 05-Apr-13 01:28:46

Thanks Milly

Polly, I have 2 or 3 friends I can call on. Tbh I'm a bit of a loner, I like my own company and I tend to not really open up to people in RL. I usually deal with things on my own. Probably not the healthiest option but works for me. H was my best friend, he was the only person I completely trusted. The irony.

pollypandemonium Fri 05-Apr-13 01:31:29

That's probably a good thing if you are emotionally self-sufficient but I can see how that would have made H such a big part of your life. Did you say your DD has CP?

Loserville Fri 05-Apr-13 01:36:35

Yes she does Polly, not too many spots just now.

pollypandemonium Fri 05-Apr-13 01:37:06

Ah chicken pox. I thought you meant cerebral palsy!

pollypandemonium Fri 05-Apr-13 01:38:28

That takes you one notch down on the sympathy rating. wink

Loserville Fri 05-Apr-13 01:40:54

Oops did not realise when I abbreviated it earlier.

pollypandemonium Fri 05-Apr-13 01:43:21

I'm a SN parent we talk and read in code.

Bogeyface Fri 05-Apr-13 01:58:45

No excuse Polly, I have a CP child and even I got that it was Chicken Pox! Not OP's fault you cant keep up grin

DHtotalnob Fri 05-Apr-13 03:19:41

Just wanted to add my vote to 'tell them yourself' (or both together ideally, although that doesn't seem possible in your case) . It's a crappy thing to have to do, but it's ....... aw crap, can't word it without sounding all schmaltzy.

Remember when they had their jabs and you desperately didn't want to see them go through that? But you did because you knew it was you they needed. This is exactly the same.

I've just been through the same. For me it summed up pretty powerfully just what I was prepared to do for my children, and what he wasn't.

Thinking of you OP

agree it needs to come from you and very soon LV.

i think be honest with them - tell them that sadly you found out he has a girlfriend and marriage means you promise not to have any other girlfriends. i don't think you can lie and i don't think telling the truth is blame laying - it's just the facts.

you obviously tell them he still loves them and they'll still see him but i wouldn't lie about why you two are splitting especially because of the age span - the older would suss it out and tell the younger ones anyway and then they risk feeling lied to.

AgathaF Fri 05-Apr-13 07:49:18

I agree with telling them yourself. As you say, you know them best, and it's far better than him putting his spin on things and confusing or upsetting them more.

Such a shame he is being a manipulative twat with his sister. She could have been good to have as a neutral person. I wonder what he has actually told her for her to be sticking up for him like that, or maybe she was just trying to help but it came out very clumsily?

When I was a child my parents sat us down together to tell us about their impending divorce. It was forced as they stuck to whatever scripts they'd decided were best. The atmosphere was dreadful and strained and we couldn't wait to get out of the room. So I never understand why people think it's the right thing to tell dcs together. But every family is different. In this instance it would be best if you told them on your own, op, as you will know how to handle it in the most natural way and your H will fuck it up

Just get it over with.

Glad you've explained to Sil, but he is telling her his warped version, so she may not end up being much help to you. He thinks he's controlling this, but he has sent your lives spiralling so out of control, he hasn't got a hope.

wannaBe Fri 05-Apr-13 08:25:54

I've been lurking on this thread but I had to respond to this:

"i think be honest with them - tell them that sadly you found out he has a girlfriend and marriage means you promise not to have any other girlfriends." absolutely not! shock shock these are very young children iirc, whatever happens between the two of you it is not down to either party to paint the other in a bad light in front of the children, regardless of your personal feelings on what he has done.

I also disagree with those who are saying that the op should refuse to allow her h to see the children on the basis of what he has done. This is starting to border on using the children as weapons and it's not on.

Op - I realise that this has all been a huge shock for you, and I realise that your stance on saying that it's irretrieveablly (sp?) over is firm. But you do need to sit down and talk before you sit the children down and telll them anything. Shutting yourself away and denying any kind of rl support is not the answer, and tbh neither is coming here where people will fuel your anger and validate your decision to keep him away from his children. Yes he is a shit for having had an affair, but he's not a monster or a child abuser, by not allowing access to his children you are complicit in making his children pay the price for this, and they are innocent in all of this. Start playing games now and it will only create a worse atmosphere for them in the future.

By suggesting she take the children over to her house his sister isn't taking sides she is being reasonable.

In an ideal world it would be lovely too think you can lock yourself in a bubble until you are ready to deall with this, but this is the real world and there are children involved here.

You need to stop having conversations ty text and through third parties and actually sit down in a room and have a conversation about all this. Even if your relationship is over you are still bound for life by the children you have together and this at least needs to be resolved. You do not have the monoplolyon when your children should be allowed back into their father's life based on what he has done to you.

Sorry to be blunt, but IMO a lot of what s said on these boards is dangerous and adamaging and enabling of a culture where women are condoned for using children as weapons in their disputes with their ex's.

chubbymomie2012 Fri 05-Apr-13 08:29:11

OP i did the "tell the kids together" thing. it was a disaster, as you say my prick ex used all the old subtle digs like "mummy thinks it would be better" and mummy doesnt love daddy anymore. despite saying we wouldnt do that. Men cant help themselves, they never think its their fault. now my son (5 years on) still thinks im the one at fault. If i could do it again i would tell them on my own. i think they would have felt more comfortable. as it was when we asked did they want to say anything they both said no and ran to their rooms. disaster. think carefully before u tell them. doing it together isnt always best xxxx sending u love and positive thoughts.

pictish Fri 05-Apr-13 08:45:55

Wannabe - I agree with your post.

However, given this is all so very fresh, I think the OP's request to have a few days thinking space is not unreasonable. I don't think it's using the kids as a weapon...as that is something I would never condone.

The OP hasn't said anything about keeping the kids from him. In the heightened emotions and confusion of the moment, she said he was going away to work, in order to explain his absence, until she feels firmer in how things are going to be....so she can present something definite to the children...which seems sensible and understandable to me.

I agree that women on here often encourage posters to use the kids as pawn....but in this case the OP is in shock and just needs a few days to get things straight. His I-must-see-the-children wilting flower routine is not granting her that space, but making it all about how hard done by HE is...when he has brought the whole sorry situation on them all.

she's not denying access wannabe! it's been two days ffs. and telling the truth is not about painting anyone in a bad light it's about the truth. is she supposed to lie and say there is no reason mummy is just a big old baddie who won't let daddy live here anymore? the children are 5,7 and 10 as i recall not tiny babies and unlikely to not find out the truth themselves.

also the having to tell them is being forced by his 'having to see them'. they can't just go see dad at aunty's house without some explanation of why he is there and preparation for what they may hear there.

Loserville Fri 05-Apr-13 08:48:01

wannabe

So wanting a couple of days grace with my children is too much to ask? Where exactly on this thread did I say he can't see his children? It's been a couple of days ffs, he has actually worked away for longer periods. And if you read my posts I said I would be telling them sooner rather than later (this morning actually)

Now I'm sorry I may not be reacting to this shitty situation as I should be but I'm doing my best. I will sit down and have a conversation and I am most definitely not using my children as weapons.

Yeah, so I'll stop posting here and just fuck off and do as I'm told by my lying cheating husband. Cheers. Infact I'll just hand them straight over to him.

Inertia Fri 05-Apr-13 08:50:22

Wannabe - I think that at the ages of 10,7 and 5 the explanation that daddy has a girlfriend and being married means you can't have other girlfriends is perfectly understandable, without going in to the gory details. I think the children do need to be made aware of her , because otherwise it's going to be a hell of a shock for them if she suddenly appears in their lives when they visit their father.

I was told of my parents' impending divorce (not due to an affair though) by just my dad. I couldn't understand why mum wasn't there too.

sleeton Fri 05-Apr-13 08:51:49

hello Loserville I hope you managed to sleep a bit.

I woke up to read His sister has now asked etc, and thought 'Oh No' ... I so hoped that would not happen, but sadly I so expected it would. His family will close ranks. Oh, they will still try to convince themselves that they are your friend, that they are trying to 'mediate', that they can sit on both sides of the fence at once ... but they will close ranks and they will do it a little bit more every time they open their mouths to speak.

Many of us have had to mourn the loss of our Ex's family at the same time as grieving for the loss of our marriage. I am so sorry.

It would have been wonderful if your H had been honourable enough to give you the space you asked for; if he had cared enough to step back for a few days, really thinking of you and the shock you were facing.
Sadly, he wasn't honourable enough to think about you and the marriage you shared, in the first place, so maybe his lack of giving now isn't so very unexpected. He will stoop as low as the snake he is.

His attitude (and that of his family), unfortunately, takes away any respite time you might otherwise have had. You are going to have to keep thinking on your feet ... something you are doing so well, but we all know you must be emotionally and physically shattered ... so maybe it is time to really start planning, picking the 'officialdom' route you are going to take, and starting to involve those bodies.
Stitch up any loop holes that there are, because this snake WILL try and get through them.

What a fool, this man, to loose a girl such as you.

Oh, op. best of luck for this morning telling the children about the change in circumstances. Of course you're not using the children. It is obvious that they are your primary concern.

You and he agreed that the children think he's working away until you gather your thoughts and decide how to proceed. If his sister had come over to get them, then it would have confused them no end. Why is daddy at aunties when mummy said he was away working?

Please don't leave your own thread over this.

pictish Fri 05-Apr-13 08:55:54

Oh Loser - please don't take wanabe's post to heart. I think she has been struck by a thought and felt compelled to write it down.

She is right that fathers on here are sometimes regarded as a trifling nothing, who are expected to settle for whatever crumbs the mother sees fit to toss his way, regarding the children.

I do think her concern over that is misplaced on this thread, but I can understand where she's coming from, even if I don't on this occasion agree.

sleeton Fri 05-Apr-13 09:05:44

wannaBe I was X posting, so have just seen your post. We don't yet know if any of your points will be valid ... it's too early to say, the OP has not had time to turn round yet, far less anything else. However, based on the OP's behavior so far, I think it is highly unlikely that there will be space for your points to have any validity in this case ... although the OP is clearly in shock, she seems to be very intelligent, very caring and very unlikely to do anything other than the best for her children.

This unlike her H, who is already pushing (looking for loop holes) ... not giving the LITTLE time the OP has asked for. He is joined in this by his sister who, true, probably does not know all the fact, but perhaps should step back a little until she does. Even then, she may not be the best person to mediate meetings etc ... don't you think?

You say you are sorry to be blunt ... I think you may not understand the physical and mental effects of shock such as this, otherwise you might have chosen not NOT to be blunt, certainly at this stage.

Damn, now I'm late for work!

bobbywash Fri 05-Apr-13 09:06:30

Just to slightly comment on SiL position

If he's staying with her, she can see what a complete up he's made of things, and probably realises what he's thrown away, and so understands why he wants to see the kids. I don't think she's on his side but can just see how miserable he is, and is trying to act as an intermediary between you. Emotions do change when you see a family relative remorseful for his own stupidity.

You should stick to your guns on this, and if she calls just remind her of your earlier discussion (I'm sure you have). Also make a time through her when they can see him. Just make sure you have told them first. It is also up to you and your instincts what you tell them, yes it's always good not to smear the other parent, but it's sometimes hard not too. Having read this thread from the start (I started about 7.00am) you seem sensible enough to do the right thing anyway

sleeton Fri 05-Apr-13 09:08:12

*that should simply be 'NOT to be blunt' rather than 'not NOT to be blunt'

Inertia Fri 05-Apr-13 09:14:02

LV, don't stop posting for support on your thread . You haven't said that you intend to stop the children seeing their father so it's rather disingenuous of other posters to suggest that you have.

Strange how he's suddenly so desperate to see the children ( though it would seem that he doesn't want the inconvenience of looking after the one who's ill) , when a couple of days ago he was happy to forgo holiday time with his children in order to go to OW. Who is using the children as a weapon here ?

one poster LV! trust me you're lucky you only got one and that you didn't get the 'maybe you haven't been wearing pretty enough knickers or didn't give head 20seconds after giving birth' brigade advising you on how to save your marriage wink

don't let it bother you.

StrangeDays Fri 05-Apr-13 09:32:10

In the last 36 hours you have had your world turned upside down.

The man you loved and trusted beyond anyone else - the man you shared your emotional and physical intimacy with, has thrown those precious things to someone else, as if they never really mattered.

He has casually thrown away his family for a shag. And that DOES include his kids. My DH did the same thing and says he was well aware that he was cheating on his FAMILY.

You ARE putting your kids first in both the short and longer term by asking for a week's peace to sort your own head out. It is much better for them if you do it the way you are doing it now - for all the reasons other posters have explained.

And the truth is the truth. It's not about painting someone in a bad light. The explanation that when 2 people get married, they promise not to have other girlfriends (whatever word) and daddy has broken that promise is the truth.

You are doing really well, OP. I hope you can talk to someone in RL too.

I think I'd use the word harsh rather than blunt about wannabe's post and ignore it for the time being

bluestar2 Fri 05-Apr-13 09:34:35

WANNABE - there is no evidence of the children being used as a weapon here. OP just wanted time to turn around and gather her thoughts so she can ensure the children are told in the right way. She wasnt asking for months fgs.

Good luck op. I hope you and the children are ok this morning

wannaBe Fri 05-Apr-13 09:35:54

my post was more in reference to other posters who are second guessing how the h will react to the kids, saying don't let him see them because he will tell them what he wants, he has made this situation so he shouldn't think he can just see his kids etc etc. There is definitely some encouragement of using the kids as weapons here but that encouragement is coming from other posters, hence my suggestion that you get some rl support as these threads can be very enabling of behaviors which in the heat of the moment might seem a good idea but which in retrospect may not.

Right now the op is in a state where she feels the relationship is definitely over. However how many posters do we see here who make that decision in the heat of the moment only to have a civilised discussion about it and decide to at least try to work things out. How is that going to help the kids if she's already told them that daddy has a girlfriend? Three days and no discussion yet is not enough time to definitely know that things are definitely over, maybe they are, maybe there is a way back, interestingly, the majority of relationships do recover after an affair.

Sitting the kids down and saying that daddy has a girlfriend just three days after discovering the fact is really not a good idea, especially when the op and her h haven't even had a conversation about this yet.

towicymru Fri 05-Apr-13 09:39:39

OP has told the DC their Dad is working away in order to have some time to work out what to tell them. Keeping to this for a couple of days is not unreasonable in my opinion and the SIL should have respected that. The DC need to be told what is happening & soon as they will have picked up something is going on.

LV - you need to take control of this. It will be hard but as you will be the one that is left picking up the pieces, manage telling them as you see fit. I personally would go for a very basic but honest explanation. The older ones will work out what is going on and they need to feel that they are able to trust you. Kids are more robust than we sometimes give them credit for. Don't get their hopes up by saying it's a temporary split or leaving some hope that there may be some reconciliation.

I would perhaps sit them down and tell them that their Father still loves them but that he has met someone else which means that you and him can't be married any more. Explain that they will still see him and that apart from you not being together, nothing else will change. Then answer their questions. Keep it basic for the younger one but let the older ones know they can come and ask qustions if they want to. Keep communication with them open & honest. They need to trust you.

StrangeDays Fri 05-Apr-13 09:42:03

Where are you getting your statistics about the majority of relationships recovering from an affair from Wannabe?

Loserville Fri 05-Apr-13 09:51:05

Sorry, maybe I'm just a bit over sensitive this morning.

Just to clarify, I would never stop the children seeing their dad, why punish them for his mistake.

My anger is not being fuelled by any posts on here. I haven't seen anyone suggest I don't allow contact. Even if anyone did suggest that I'm not thick and going to obey something so ridiculous.

Yes, I've locked myself away for a couple of days, no big deal. It's not as if I intend to do this for months. Especially now with a poorly child I am restricted on what I can do. If dd wasn't ill I'd take them on our planned long weekend away so he wouldn't see them until Tuesday anyway or would that also be wrong? Them suffering again due to his actions.

Loserville Fri 05-Apr-13 09:51:58

Oh and I can 100% categorically say it is over.

StrangeDays Fri 05-Apr-13 09:52:43

You are not being over sensitive.

How's you DD this morning?

wannabe seems to have comprehension problems - mistaking people saying 'don't let him tell the children on his own' for 'don't let him see the children'. anyway - hopefully that's done now and thread can go back to being a support for you LV.

you're not doing anything wrong. how's dd now? can't believe you're dealing with CP on top of this - awesome timing universe!!!

CabbageLeaves Fri 05-Apr-13 09:58:33

OP you do what you wish to. Lying to the DC can be to protect him or them.... When he takes them out next and they perhaps meet the OW in the park I doubt they'll feel that protected. Confused? Yes.

I think children of that age can understand Mummy is very sad. Daddy has a girlfriend and we are not going to be living together. He does love you however and I also love you very very much. I will always be mummy and you can always talk to me. I'm not leaving

Loserville Fri 05-Apr-13 10:00:48

She's ok, the spots don't seem to be itching. She was a bit restless during the night so a bit sleepy but apart from that she's her normal self, thanks.

Jacaqueen Fri 05-Apr-13 10:01:49

LV I can only hope that if ever I find myself in your situation, that I manage to handle it all as well as you seem to be doing.

If you decide to tell the children this morning I would let the father come and see them at your house this afternoon. That way he can see all of his children at once and do some parenting, maybe cook their dinner. You can go out and treat yourself to a coffee, bit of shopping, cinema, whatever you fancy.

Take care.

MTBMummy Fri 05-Apr-13 10:04:55

Hi LV - just wanted to add my support, please ignore people who aren't following what you are saying, there's always a handful of them.

You're doing brilliantly given all that life has thrown at you this last week.

Take your time, get your head round it and take it from there. Remember you need to look after yourself as you need to be in a good shape to help and support your kids

Glad to see you back here, op smile

Lukat Fri 05-Apr-13 10:05:31

You are doing great.... You know your own children so do what you think is best.
Good luck. Xx

yes if you could bear for him to be in the house then it would be a good idea imo to let him look after them whilst you go out. it will also make very clear from the outset that you're not stopping him seeing the children but that that is entirely separate from seeing you/the state of your relationship. it will also make the point that childcare is still his responsibility as well as yours.

iirc the tenancy is in your name so zero instability or issues there - you and the children carry on as before. without being too nosy how is your financial position? whilst you have the children at home anyway now might be a good time for phonecalls and form filling - re: let tax credit office know that you are now lone parenting and contact csa. far easier to do everything officially right from the off in my opinion.

bleedingheart Fri 05-Apr-13 10:13:20

You are being incredibly strong and fair. Far better for their relationship with him that you keep your distance for a few days. You didn't have them in the house when you asked him to leave, you are looking after a poorly ch

BabsAndTheRu Fri 05-Apr-13 10:18:56

I've been watching this thread as well, no advice to give but just wanted to say I think you are an amazing lady. You are coping so well with this, and I think having the couple of days with the kids thinking their dad is working away was a really good idea. Like one of the other posters said what an idiot to be have done this to such lovely person. Good luck op, wishing you and your children the very best.

bleedingheart Fri 05-Apr-13 10:19:08

You are being incredibly strong and fair. Far better for their relationship with him that you keep your distance for a few days. You didn't have them in the house when you asked him to leave, you are looking after a poorly child too FFS. You are being very reasonable.
Keep going, best wishes to you.

bleedingheart Fri 05-Apr-13 10:20:39

Please excuse my part-post!

toffeelolly Fri 05-Apr-13 10:25:28

Op , do not listen to anybody you do what is right for you and your children,I think you so strong and sound like a really good mother your dd's should be so proud of you. Hope your little dd feel's better soon. x

kittybiscuits Fri 05-Apr-13 10:25:38

I agree with bleeding heart OP. Sending you a hug and strength. If their father could be trusted to tell the children that the marriage is over because of his actions (no details) all well and good. If he's going to tell them 'Mummy doesn't love Daddy any more and has made him leave' then a simple 'Daddy has a girlfriend now' is the fairest explanation. You are amazing x

JaxTellerIsAllMine Fri 05-Apr-13 10:27:49

LV I hope DD just has a mild case of pox and not too bad.

You need to do what you feel is right in telling the DC. Of course they will be upset, but Im sure you can explain that living apart is better and you still love them all.

Then you can decide whether or not to let SIL be 3rd party to hosting your children at hers to see their Dad.

In your own time. You must still be in shock I think, its only been a couple of days.

Inertia Fri 05-Apr-13 10:31:30

Wannabe - you seem to suggest that the alternatives are to either tell the children that Daddy is leaving because he has met someone else, or everybody floats along in a blameless bubble with no consequences resulting from MrLoser's actions.

Given that MrLoser has already tried to shift blame by telling his sister that he'd had to move out because he and LV had fallen out, and bearing in mind the number of times he lied to LV, I think it's more realistic to suggest that if the children are not told an age-appropriate version of the truth he is likely to mislead the children and shift blame onto LV. And that's certainly not in their best interest, as LV is left picking up the pieces.

cjel Fri 05-Apr-13 10:31:59

FWIW Ithink you couldn't have dealt with this any better if you had written the book. I am thinking of you as you have to tell you dcs. Ihope you have the right words to use and say what you know is right with regards to how much to tell them. I have mixed feelings about telling them about gfr or not. when my h did it my grandchildren had to be told and they weren't told about 'her' as it was painful for us, so we didn't want to have to talk about 'her' and 'them' but I can see how some of the confusion and upset they felt may have been eased in a way if they had known from the start. Its 2 yrs on and they still don't openly talk about 'her' and have no wish to ever meet her or 'them' I am thinking about you this morning.<<hugs>>

CabbageLeaves Fri 05-Apr-13 10:44:54

My DC told me a few yrs later they wished they'd known and they wished we'd been honest from the beginning. They knew they weren't being given the whole story and were left to imagine what the missing bits were (fearing all sorts of horrible stuff)

sassy34264 Fri 05-Apr-13 11:14:23

My parents sat myself and my brother down at 15 and 12 respectively.

My dad was in a right state, my mum putting on her strong face (although we didn't know that)

They didn't tell us it was a permanent split, because unbeknown to us, my dad had threatened to kill himself and so my mum had had to talk him into just giving her some space.

We wasn't told the reason, as my mum thought my dad should be the one to tell us and he was too cowardly.

He had cheated obviously.

I guessed eventually, but it was very bewildering (to put it mildy) at the time. My younger brother hated my mum for quite a few weeks until i eventually realised he blamed her, cos all he could see was my dad crying and my mum keeping herself together for us. I told him in the end.

It was tbh, a right mess of a way of telling us.

We are both extremely close to our mum. Our relationship with our dad has never recovered. I see him on special occasions. My brother even less.

Thought i'd just share in case it helps to see how not to do it.

They are younger than we were, but it's very confusing to see your parents split up without an explanation. They really really need one imho.

Loserville Fri 05-Apr-13 11:17:59

He's coming over at tea time, I think I need to find out first if this relationship with ow is serious or if its over for good. If its over I'm not sure telling them about her is for the best? I don't know, I'm stressing. This is the one thing I need to get right.,

Nellymay Fri 05-Apr-13 11:18:57

L'ville I've been checking your posts 2-3 times a day - i am probably old enough to be your mum and i understand exactly what you're doing and why - i too am a bit of a loner and self sufficient and i would also give myself some space a few days to think and try to find a way forward for myself and the kids. its important that you do it your way and nobody else's way.

When i left my first husband i just did it that was it, i knew i'd had enough and there was no point trying to work things out, the best advice i was given was an 80 year old lady who said to me "time heals everything" and i found it to be so true - it sounds like a platitude but it isn't

I can't give you more or better advice than you are having from all these great M'netters, So i'll just wrap you all in a blanket and keep you safe and sound - youre doing the right thing and i wish you and your DCs the best of luck and happiness x

sassy34264 Fri 05-Apr-13 11:20:28

Do you need to use the word girlfriend?

I would say that daddy met another lady and had a relationship with her. Which isn't allowed when you are married.

cjel Fri 05-Apr-13 11:27:07

I have a feeling that it may be better to say their being another friend that daddy took out. it doesn't really matter if its over or not. you dcs should know that someone else is involved? a lot of people on here seem to be saying they hated mum for ending it when they didn't know the truth? I think its not going to hurt less which ever way, just show them love and you're hurt so they get the truth and can't imagine stuff. That seems to come across as what people think was damaging.xx

sassy34264 Fri 05-Apr-13 11:34:10

No, i never hated my mum. She went from being my mum, to being my mum and my best friend on that fateful day.

My brother didn't hate her but blamed her because he thought she was chucking my dad out for no reason. He soon caught on fast after he got an explanation.

Sorry if that wasn't clear.

We both adore and are in awe of our mum.

Obviously there is more to the story -like freezing joint bank account so she had no money, only paying a measly amount of child maintenace etc- but it isn't relevant here as such.

Only in the sense that it would seem that if they are selfish enough to cheat, they are selfish enough to do other horrible things- so i'd be watching out for that.

truth is best imo - however you cushion it - what words you choose etc. they need to know this isn't for no reason and it isn't your fault OP because you are the rock they need to hang onto in the coming months.

if they don't know the facts they will know something is missing and they will fill it with far worse things than an affair like thinking it is their fault or something.

Loserville Fri 05-Apr-13 11:43:06

Thanks, you're all right. Makes sense to be truthful appropriate to their age. My head is banging, only got about 3 hours broken sleep last night. My brain feels scrambled.

Inertia Fri 05-Apr-13 11:46:34

In a way , it doesn't matter whether his affair with OW is over. It's still the reason why you want him to move out, whether or not he ever plans to introduce her to the children.

The other point is that you wouldn't be able to believe him even if he did tell you it was over. He's already lied several times to try to protect his own arse, I certainly wouldn't put it past him to lie to protect her.

onefewernow Fri 05-Apr-13 11:48:33

The stuff about telling the kids together is a load of liberal tosh.

It goes without saying that in a perfect world a man would be honest about his infidelity to his wife, they would agree an amicable split, he would move our in a measured fashion, they would all be on the same page, they would then tell and reassure the children together.

However, trying to do this after the fact with mr getyourtittsout is unlikely to go well. There is also a real tug between timely information to the children on the one hand, and people- him too - having time to face up to themselves.

This man probably doesnt even think it is over, and that he can win OP round. In that context a joint conversation may well not work out.

I think telling them he has met someone else, that he still loves them etc, is not damaging- or if it is, it is because the truth can be hurtful.

Telling them the bare facts unemotionally is not spin or anything like it. Lying is. And they are NOT stupid.

And his urgency to see them right now, before he and the OP have talked, and when he often sees them less often anyway, smacks to me of him wanting to control. So if anyone is messing with the kids, I would say it is him.

Inertia Fri 05-Apr-13 11:57:22

Onefewer, how on earth is this a political situation?

I agree that LV's husband is trying to control the situation by getting his side of the story in first, which is why it's important that the children know the truth from the outset. And you're right, they do need to know the truth. But that doesn't stop LV from telling the children the truth (using language she feels appropriate) while her H is there. Just because he's there doesn't mean he gets to do the talking.

Fairenuff Fri 05-Apr-13 11:59:12

wannabe

my post was more in reference to other posters who are second guessing how the h will react to the kids, saying don't let him see them because he will tell them what he wants, he has made this situation so he shouldn't think he can just see his kids etc etc.

No-one has said he can't see his kids. Everyone has said that the children need to be told before he sees them.

There is a difference, do you see?

And the reason that they need to be told is that he tells lies. Therefore it is extremely likely that he will lie to his children.

Do you understand so far?

There is definitely some encouragement of using the kids as weapons here but that encouragement is coming from other posters, hence my suggestion that you get some rl support as these threads can be very enabling of behaviors which in the heat of the moment might seem a good idea but which in retrospect may not

Op has never once suggested using the children as a weapon. She has done everything she can to protect them from unnecessary emotional hurt. She knows full well that they will have to be told and that they will see their dad. She simply wanted him to allow the children a couple of days grace before their world was turned upside down.

He doesn't want to do that, he wants to see them sooner. So they will have to be told sooner.

Still with us?

Right now the op is in a state where she feels the relationship is definitely over. However how many posters do we see here who make that decision in the heat of the moment only to have a civilised discussion about it and decide to at least try to work things out

Sadly, the greatest measure of whether the relationship is over is the self esteem of the injured party. Those with high self esteem know for a fact that they are worth more. They know that they will never see the cheating person in the same light, they will never trust them again 100 percent, they will never respect them as highly or love them quite so deeply. They know this, wannabe, just instinctively and they are right. It will never, ever be the same. They know that they do not have to settle for less than complete fidelity, as promised.

Those with low self esteem will say I'm not worth it. What, break up the whole family because of me? Because I can't forgive and forget. I should really try harder. Yes, I know he's done wrong but he's so very, very sorry and the children love him so much. How will I cope on my own, what will people say about me. Oh dear, it's much easier if we just start again and carry on. I can bear this hurt and pain, for my children.

See? It's exactly the same situation but the person with high self esteem will absolutely not take this crap from anyone. Op knows her worth and she is right. What is the point in talking it over. He shagged another woman, he lied about it, He's still lying to anyone who cares to listen.

Op has had a civilised discussion with him. First he ignored all her calls and texts. Then he lied about his mates messing about with hs phone. Then he ignored all her calls and texts again. Then he finally shuffled into the house and squeaked 'sorry'. On top of that, he lied again to minimise what had happened. Then he left the house and lied to his sister.

Seeing a pattern here?

How is that going to help the kids if she's already told them that daddy has a girlfriend?

It will help because it's honest. The children will hear all sorts when they go back to school. People talk. Children overhear. School children talk to each other. I work in a school and you might be surprised what the children tell me. Especially the 7 and 10 year old. If their own parents aren't honest with them, they will believe all the rumours they hear and they will feel that they can't talk to their parents about it.

What you are advocating, actually, is not telling them at all. Pretending that there is nothing wrong, or just saying Mum and Dad are going through a difficult time.

This is the worst of all choices. It's not definite enough to say they are going to split, or that they aren't. The most emotionally difficult time for children, when it shows in their behaviour, is the time between problems starting in a relationship and parents separating. All that uncertainty, anger, hurt, distrust, worry, pain that cheated partners live with when trying to rebuild a relationship has a devastating affect on the children. The actual separation is often an emotional relief for those children and after the split, they generally settle back into their old self very well.

Three days and no discussion yet is not enough time to definitely know that things are definitely over, maybe they are, maybe there is a way back, interestingly, the majority of relationships do recover after an affair

This is simply not true. The majority of relationships limp on for a few more months, typically 12 - 18 months but sometimes for several unhappy years, after an affair.

The vast majority eventually end in separation. Many, many couples do stay together 'for the sake of the children' but all good childcare professionals will tell you that this is, in fact, emotionally damaging to children and can have an adverse affect on all their future relationships.

Sitting the kids down and saying that daddy has a girlfriend just three days after discovering the fact is really not a good idea, especially when the op and her h haven't even had a conversation about this yet

Finally, you will see, now that it's all been explained, that op has little other choice when considering what is best for the children. She has to tell them now and she has to be honest with them. In an age appropriate way, obviously. So this is what this brave woman is going to do.

This is a support thread for the op. The split is final. She has made that decision. If you don't want to support her decision that's fine, but please don't post urging her to think again.

Op is looking for support. She has no parents or siblings. Her few close friends are away on holiday. She is alone with three children to care for for a few days until her friends are back. She is suffering from shock.

We are helping by listening to her, respecting her feelings, sharing our own experiences in similar situations and signposting towards practical help. Some posters who live nearer have offered to meet for coffee and help in whatever way they can.

Everyone has encouraged rl support. If this is what you call 'enabling' then I think you misunderstand the word. And I think you possibly have misunderstood the whole thread.

Right, OP, sorry to take up so much space on your thread with mahoosive post but I thought these points neeeded to be addressed once and for all so that we are all clear what's happening here. Sorry if I've got any of it wrong x

As you were blush

Inertia Fri 05-Apr-13 12:01:58

LV, do you have nurofen ? Maybe take those with a cup of tea and then have a snuggle on the sofa with the children? Look after yourself too.

Loserville Fri 05-Apr-13 12:07:17

Fairenuff, thank you. Your post sums up exactly how I feel but not articulate enough to put as good as you have. thanks

Inertia Fri 05-Apr-13 12:11:26

Well said Fairenuff.

Loserville Fri 05-Apr-13 12:11:30

Inertia, yes I've taken some. Dd1 and 2 have a Gymfest show at 2pm that I had totally forgotten about until I seem them packing their gym bags blush I'll drop them off and try and get some sleep with dd1. Matilda DVD usually works a treat if I need a nap.

Loserville Fri 05-Apr-13 12:16:05

Get some sleep with dd3*

Fairenuff Fri 05-Apr-13 12:16:38

You're doing great op but pleeeeeease change your bloody name!! grin

Have the nurofen and cup of tea, maybe some toast and settle down on the sofa again. Are your girls happy hanging out together at home, or are they starting to go stir crazy yet?

onefewernow Fri 05-Apr-13 12:18:50

Agree, well said Fairenough.

Fairenuff Fri 05-Apr-13 12:18:56

Oh x post, gymfest sounds good smile

Pandemoniaa Fri 05-Apr-13 12:19:07

You've coped magnificantly in a horrible situation, LV. I agree with what Fairenuff has said. Age appropriate honesty is the way to go.

I'd just add that when DP separated from his ex-w after years of infidelity on her part (many years ago and long before we were together) they thought it would be best for their dcs to get a somewhat sanitised version of events. It wasn't. My eldest stepson, in particular, was very troubled by what he saw as an inability to be honest with him. As he said to me, when he was an adult "It was bad enough that they were living a lie. Not telling me the truth made the deception all the worse and I felt they couldn't trust me either". He also wanted answers to simple questions "Will Dad still take me to football?", for example, not to be constantly given non-committal platitudes. It's fair to say that the relationship with his mother (in particular) has never really recovered. Honesty would have been hard but from that honesty things could have moved on.

i totally agree that the outcome of finding out about an affair rests predominantly on the self esteem of the cheated upon partner and how terrified they are of being 'alone' or god forbid a 'single parent' shock

i don't get how anyone would want to continue a relationship with a man it turns out has been texting, 'get your boobs out luv' to another woman the minute he's out of sight and lying and cheating in order to get sex with no regard to his wife or children. i really don't. the only answer to my mind is that the person must have incredibly low self esteem or to never have developed as a proper adult who feels able to manage their own life when they need to.

it is sad that such people exist but thank goodness the OP is not one of them.

Loserville Fri 05-Apr-13 12:20:56

Yeah the older two are becoming a bit restless so it's good they can go burn off some energy today. Feel bad for them stuck in because of CP. I'll try and arrange something with their friends over the weekend. Can't remember the whole contagious bit about CP, I'll need to Google.

have the older ones had it already LV?

Loserville Fri 05-Apr-13 12:25:57

Yeah they had it as babies thank goodness.

mum47 Fri 05-Apr-13 12:26:04

OP, I have been lurking but just wanted to add my support. You are getting lots of advice already, some better than others, and you are coping fantastically.

The only thing I can add is it is very early days, and your mind must be spinning. So what you believe to be best - you can then deal with the fallout of what you do as it comes - and stay true to yourself regardless of what others might say/think.

Hear hear Fairenuff!

pictish Fri 05-Apr-13 12:29:06

Fairenuff has nailed it.
I think wannabe's post was well intententioned, but not appropriate for this particular thread.

OhLori Fri 05-Apr-13 13:00:45

Hi OP. I think you've had some really helpful advice and support here and its heartening to see you handle your situation so well.

Please come here when you need support. But if you want to take time away and not come here, feel free to do just that, be with yourself or your children (and friends when they return if you wish).

Also, sometimes arguments (rather than differences of opinion) break out between posters, and I think that can be difficult for OPs, even if important points are being made. The longer threads go on, the more likely this is to happen...

You sound amazingly together and clear despite it all. Best wishes.

Jux Fri 05-Apr-13 13:06:28

Fairenuff, excellently put. I hadn't seen anyone advocating not allowing him any contact ever with the children; just have a few days grace. I have no idea what thread Wannabe was reading.

LV, hope you get a good rest, snuggling up with dd3 on the sofa sounds good.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Fri 05-Apr-13 13:29:06

LV CP is contagious untill ALL the spots have crusted over, so a few more days of isolation for DD3 yet. Hope the other 2 DDs have fun at gym session.

That was very well put fairenuff

I am in a situation with a friend, her DH had an affair - with her (now ex) best friend. She is so scared of being alone, has terribly low SE - and has been with the H for nearly 20 yrs. She has forgiven but not forgotten what he has done and they are trying to move on, well she is, he doesnt seem to be doing much and her core group of friends are all there for her, trying to encourage her to find her self worth and esteem. She wont, and it is very sad and hard to watch, because a better wife/mother/friend you wouldnt find very easily.

Sorry for slight hijack LV. But I just wanted to point out that you are stronger, and are doing the right thing for you and your girls. flowers

CabbageLeaves Fri 05-Apr-13 13:50:05

Excellently summarised faire

I took my ex back after his affair. I regret those wasted miserable years. I felt constantly humiliated in front of friends, family and her acquaintances. I was terrified he'd leave again so I did whatever to ensure he was happy.

Eventually I gathered some self esteem and am now a happy confident woman. I have a partner but consider myself single if that makes any sense. I have my own house, my own life and partner fits in just great but I'm also able to be single

imtheonlyone Fri 05-Apr-13 15:09:49

Another one whooping over fairenuff's post! Brilliant!

I was in no way suggesting that he should never see his kids - that's punishment for the children as well as him. Merely that she had asked for some time to figure out how to handle things and that should be respected. But cheeky really of him to get his sister to call and ask as well!

I'm sure OP, you will find exactly the right words to explain to your DDs the situation. I've not doubt it will be awfully difficult for you saying it out loud to them but IMO honesty is certainly the way forward. Not necessarily that he has a girlfriend more that he has lied and seen another woman when married to you and that is wrong.

My XH is an arse, pays no maintenance and yet he sees the children on a regular basis. I will not be the one who steps out of line - I leave that all to him and he manages to fuck up all the time! As they grow older the children will figure this out for themselves. But for now I would never disrespect their 'daddy' to them. (No matter how much I want to!)

Good luck OP, thinking of you and hope your littlest OP recovers soon x

tightfortime Fri 05-Apr-13 15:13:45

Just picked up on this after no wifi for few days...

You’re amazing, truly amazing, what strength. So impressed that despite meeting and settling young, you can see there is no way back after he repeatedly lied to you. I wish so many others - myself included for a very long time - had your SE.

Other posters have put it far better but didn’t want to lurk. Just offer a handhold.

I would text and remind him that by insisting on seeing the kids, you will be forced to explain why he isn’t away working and can he not see it’s time for some space? Then you will agree to meet him in person to discuss future. You will never stop him seeing the kids but right now, everyone needs to calm down.

re: Telling the kids: Be sure you are ready for ‘why?’ Even though XH and I sat down and told the stepkids (teens) and our DC who was four seperately, first question both times was ‘why?’

Teens were as equally flabbergasted as the small one as we had ‘hidden’ it so well. No affair (he was EA), but the ‘we don’t love each other anymore’ doesn’t cut it.

The teens worked it out by his outrageous behaviour afterwards but the small one still grills me every day as to why her perfect daddy and I can’t get back together.

Be as honest as you can from the start.

Best of luck, well done

Loserville Fri 05-Apr-13 15:25:02

He's coming over about 6pm. I feel I have no choice but to tell them tonight. I'll try and talk to him alone tonight before anything is said though. I have a feeling he is not going to approve of telling them and I can't blame him. Telling 3 little people who totally adore you that you won't be living with them anymore isn't exactly appealing. I'm pretty sure he'll leave it to me which is fine. Judging by his texts he seems in denial, offering to bring a takeaway, bottle of wine and having time alone when dd's go to bed. I think I know what he's aiming for. That was what we used to do on a Friday night, things have changed.

Loserville Fri 05-Apr-13 15:28:09

Oh and my nap isn't happening, the child 3 doors down keeps ringing the doorbell every 10 minutes!

StrangeDays Fri 05-Apr-13 15:30:32

He just doesn't get it, does he. sad

imtheonlyone Fri 05-Apr-13 15:35:19

Did you text him back? Personally I would say no to both the takeaway and the wine. May well give him false hope that things can be worked out. It sounds like he is completely in denial and that he will be able to talk you round. Good luck. We're all thinking of you and be sure to let us know how you get on!

pictish Fri 05-Apr-13 15:35:44

A takeaway, a bottle of wine and some alone time? Really?

There's a guy right there, who intrinsically deep down does not believe he has done anything wrong. That this is a mere blip that you need to get over.

pictish Fri 05-Apr-13 15:36:48

Text back
No thanks to takeaway and wine. See you at 6.

imtheonlyone Fri 05-Apr-13 15:36:51

Oh and I'm sure he doesn't want the kids to know anything - but seriously, what does he expect? And I'm sure he wasn't thinking of their sad little faces when he with OW hmm. Be strong. You're so brave X

Loserville Fri 05-Apr-13 15:52:20

He is seriously winding me up. I've told him its the worst idea ever. He doesn't get it. I've told him AGAIN it's over, apparently I don't mean it. He has deleted OW number and promised not to see her again. Even though he was at hers yesterday. Wtf. I am going to crack soon.

ooh like a date!? wow.

just wow at his level of not getting it.

x posted - LV you might be better going out altogether if you can. he is unbelievable.

Sugarice Fri 05-Apr-13 15:54:43

Gather your strength LV, thinking of you and your girls.

I would text back and say no takeaway or wine thanks.

Sugarice Fri 05-Apr-13 15:55:39

x post.

pictish Fri 05-Apr-13 15:56:59

Well it seems his idea of fidelity is a million miles away from your. And everyone else's.

He really thinks this is no biggie huh? He's going to sit there and say "I'm so sorry...it will never happen again"...yet his core values tell him it's fine.

Sugarice Fri 05-Apr-13 15:57:13

He is going to try to grind you down, stay strong and don't fall for his flannel!

pictish Fri 05-Apr-13 15:58:10

He's promised not to see her again has he?
Well that's big of him. What a grand gesture! You ought to be flattered he thinks so highly of you!

hmm

i think thinking you don't mean it is a massive insult actually! how dare he? does that mean you're a silly girl who doesn't know what she wants? or that you're just playing games but of course you'll forgive him? wtf?

really, really insulting.

clam Fri 05-Apr-13 16:00:08

Deleted her number? Oh well, that makes it all OK then! What an arse.

Areyoumadorisitme Fri 05-Apr-13 16:03:15

He was at hers yesterday??

Blimey, he really doesn't get it.

I really hope tonight goes ok for you OP, be strong and don't let him away with saying anything wrong to the kids, correct him there and then if you have to.

One way someone I knew put it was that to be married you have rules, and daddy broke one of the most important rules so the marriage is over. Both still love kids etc etc obviously. I thought that was an appropriate simple and truthful explanation.

(My DSDs still don't know aged 22 and nearly 25 that their mum had an affair with her now husband (DH's ex best friend). We kept it quiet but there are times we'd have loved them to understand, still it kept the peace for the last 19 years.)

imtheonlyone Fri 05-Apr-13 16:04:21

Oh LV, I want to batter him for you!!! What a fool. Perhaps him coming over to see the children is a bad idea if he can't yet accept that it's over?

Loulybelle Fri 05-Apr-13 16:05:21

When you see him just act like your in a business meeting, you negotiating a deal, thats it, no emotion, just business.

Dont let him tell you, you dont mean it, just keep saying it, "Its over" is all you need to say.

nightmaretime Fri 05-Apr-13 16:13:48

You need to change your name from Loserville to Loseaprick

DreamingofSummer Fri 05-Apr-13 16:35:39

OP

You are too strong to crack.
You are too strong to crack.
You are too strong to crack.
You are too strong to crack.
You are too strong to crack.
You are too strong to crack.

ShabbyChit Fri 05-Apr-13 16:38:07

OP, you are doing an amazing job so far for you and your DC, well done!
From what you have said it sounds like he is acting as though he has made a little mistake like going out on a bender with the boys or forgotten your birthday or something!
He can't seem to understand the enormity of what he has done and thinks a 'date night' will make it up to you hmm

You need to continue to be firm and strong if you see him tonight, I agree with Loulybelle above, act like a business deal. Keep repeating clear, to the point phrases in a firm voice. Don't let him worm his way back into your emotions. fucking prick

Big hugs for you and your DC thanks

Jux Fri 05-Apr-13 16:47:17

Wow. Twunt personified.

It seems he has recently acquired Stupidity (probably caught it from OW)?

QOD Fri 05-Apr-13 16:48:18

It's all a nightmare. I remember clear as day my mum and dad sitting in the lounge when we came home from school. Mum told us they were getting a divorce as mum had met someone else. I felt so sorry for my dad. My dad cried.
It was awful.
However, my dad wasn't quite as innocent as all that!! He'd been having affairs and ignoring mum for years, "working late" etc. she was the one honest enough to meet someone and not be able to have 2 men in her life.
But I didn't know that then.
Ah it's so hard, what you say will stay with them.

what you think you're going to say?

NettleTea Fri 05-Apr-13 16:53:28

what are you going to do if once he comes in he refuses to leave....

tenancy is in her name so no legal right to be there - if it came to it the police could very easily remove him as it's not his home.

forgetmenots Fri 05-Apr-13 16:58:17

Love the loseaprick suggestion.

I'd be inclined to pour the wine all over him frankly not the most adult response but bloody satisfying

or let him walk in the door with the takeaway and wine - take them from him and say kids are in the lounge - disappear upstairs to enjoy the gifts whilst he does parenting grin

sorry - not helpful.

DragonMamma Fri 05-Apr-13 17:12:40

Wow. I cannot get over how obtuse he is being. He's slept with somebody around half a dozen times, including since you've found out. He didn't race home when you'd found out and beg for forgiveness and instead made it seem like nothing was worth apologising for.

And he thinks a Chinese, a bottle of plonk and a chat will see him right.

He's absolutely stark raving bonkers.

Xales Fri 05-Apr-13 17:15:12

text him back.

Stupid of you to delete her number you will need it when you wake up to the fact that I am serious.

I do not want to sit, eat and drink whilst staring at your cheating face. You are coming to see the children, they do not drink wine.

Xales Fri 05-Apr-13 17:16:07

Can I suggest a note book and pen so you can write down his lies and compare them next time.

Machli Fri 05-Apr-13 17:23:02

I'm sorry this has happened, my ex used to think a take away and a bottle of wine would solve everything too hmm.

One thing I would say is don't do the big sit down. Everyone I know, myself included has said the big sit down and telling the kids was horrific and what stayed with them for years after. I didn't tell my children, they were 2 and 5 at the time. When they asked I told them Daddy and I kept arguing so we had decided that Daddy should live somewhere else. Their Dad worked away a lot anyway so practically speaking it wasn't massive to them. He saw them A LOT almost every day, tried to be very flexible on that for their sake and they just grew to accept that this is how it was. There was no big show down. Children already know what's going on and are a lot more resilient then we realise. If you don't make a massive, emotional deal of it then they won't. That's my experience anyway.

You sound like an amazing woman and he sounds like an utter twat.

Jux Fri 05-Apr-13 17:23:03

Or record him on your phone; tell him you will probably need a record as he's already changed his story at least once.

Do you think you might have the opportunity to put laxative in his takeaway? It would be quite fun as long as it wasn't eaten at your place....

wiseoldowl Fri 05-Apr-13 17:29:24

have read your posts in awe Loserville, you are being amazingly strong.

hope all goes well for later, do not crack & fall for any sweet talk....what a complete knob (he is) angry

Jacaqueen Fri 05-Apr-13 17:37:10

I would text back that the only thing you require him to bring is some black bags to remove his belongings from your house.

Is there no one you can get to pop round about 8 pm with a bottle of wine. That way he will have to leave. If I wasn't away on holiday I would offer to come over if that would help.

cjel Fri 05-Apr-13 17:39:23

Machli I don't think this would work with a ten year old?

cjel Fri 05-Apr-13 17:40:38

watching the clock with you OP.x

woopsidaisy Fri 05-Apr-13 17:43:27

Thinking about you OP. Stay stRong and focused.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Fri 05-Apr-13 17:51:09

Thinking of you LV what a prick he is. Like thats all it would take. arse.

Stay focused and strong.

Machli Fri 05-Apr-13 17:51:19

I don't know but I just don't think the big sit down is necessary. I've heard over and over that it was by far the most upsetting thing about the whole process for children involved

remember the bathroom is a safe place. any time you worry you are going to lose it or just need space or whatever the bathroom is the legitimate room in the house you can go to and lock the door for five minutes without questions.

Have just read your thread LV, you are amazing. Hope all you goes well tonight, its clear you'll stick to your guns and not fall for any of his crap. Thinking about you x.

Delurking to say what a tosser !

Take his wine and takeaway and then put them in the kitchen, have the conversation you need to have and tell him to f**k off

Sit down and enjoy

Seriously does he think that will make you feel better after how he's behaved ???? You have behaved impeccably btw I'm impressed, I was not so dignified unfortunately

VioletStar Fri 05-Apr-13 18:23:26

Another one delurking to say you are being amazingly strong. Stay focused. Wishing you luck and strength.

Casserole Fri 05-Apr-13 18:30:19

Thinking of you x

TroublesomeEx Fri 05-Apr-13 18:32:06

Stay strong.

When I discovered my H's infidelity he offered to get a takeaway in the evening, just like we did most Thursdays.

He had no idea he'd be caught out. He thought he had every base covered. He thought I'd keep him around because I wouldn't want to be a single parent.

It's nearly 5 months since he left and I just want to say that I wouldn't go back to the way I thought things were for anything. My eyes have been opened, I've got more friends, a better social life and a better relationship with my children than I did when we were together.

He's living with his parents in his old bedroom and (by his own admission) has nothing and has lost everything. Only got himself to blame.

I only wish I could show you how much better off you will be in a few weeks/months time.

Do not fall for the lies and the sweet talk. I really wanted to believe my husband when he came out with all the crap that everyone on MN said he would. I couldn't believe that it was my husband they were all describing so cruelly. But they were right. He read from the script like he had it in front of him.

Be strong. x

willyoulistentome Fri 05-Apr-13 18:33:25

Give him a virtual kick in the balls from me.

sarahjaye Fri 05-Apr-13 18:40:01

Good luck OP, you sound very strong and resolute. A wonderful role model for your DDs. You deserve so much more than this.

JaxTellerIsAllMine Fri 05-Apr-13 18:47:21

we should have a bullshit bingo card for his lies and shit!

Loserville Fri 05-Apr-13 18:52:54

He's not coming. I called to see where the hell he is. His sister answered and said he has 'hit the self destruct button' and can't face me or dd's. then she started with the can't you give him another chance speech. I told her I wasn't going to discuss it with her and if he thought anything of me and dd's then he'd get his arse round here pronto. He's in bed apparently so stuff him. I'm going to tell the girls, not in a formal sit down manner. The previous posters idea of telling them in a more casual manner before their favourite programme sounds ideal. Well as ideal as it can be. I bought them the Brave DVD that they've been asking for so will do it before that.

Thanks for all your support thanks

Loulybelle Fri 05-Apr-13 18:55:04

What a coward!!!!

Well now you know, hes not serious, and hes probably off to see fancy woman.

What a fecking prick!!!!

cjel Fri 05-Apr-13 18:57:21

how awful for you.He will have to get out of bed at some t