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This doesn't look good does it?

(1000 Posts)
Loserville Tue 02-Apr-13 19:37:33

My dh left for work at 5pm, 10 mins later I get a text from him 'Hi sexy, get your boobs out'. I just replied with a ? And had no reply.

He never sends text like that to me thank god so I'm thinking it was meant for someone else. Why send me a text like that after just leaving the house 10 minutes before.

It looks suspicious doesn't it? Or else it's a pathetic attempt at spicing things up confused

CandlestickOlder Tue 02-Apr-13 19:38:44

Oh dear hmm

It's certainly very odd

kinkyfuckery Tue 02-Apr-13 19:39:11

The fact that he hasn't replied since makes me think it's more suspicious.

When is he due home? Do you usually talk/text at all whilst he's at work? Any other signs that he could be playing away from home?

LynetteScavo Tue 02-Apr-13 19:40:00

Ewww...are you sure he's gone to work?

I would so be looking forward to his excuse when he gets home. hmm

sleeton Tue 02-Apr-13 19:46:47

Have you checked to see if he is at work?

Uppatreecuppatea Tue 02-Apr-13 19:47:11

He's just been nicked and is probably shitting himself somewhere.

I also can't help but comment that he sounds like a real charmer. hmm

Poor you!

even if that is spicing things up then it doesn't look good grin

But seriously...I'd be trying to find out whatever I could. Has he been protective of his phone/laptop/computer?

Late from work/going to extra meeting etc? Has he seemed normal lately?

Hope you're ok brew

Loserville Tue 02-Apr-13 19:48:59

No clues to say he has been playing away at all. His workmate picked him up in work vehicle so I know he's at work. He's only doing a 4 hour shift so due home just after 9pm. I personally wouldn't have thought he had time to be cheating tbh but I just don't get this text.

And yes the fact he didn't reply is making me even more suspicious.

Loserville Tue 02-Apr-13 19:50:28

And my initial thought at get your boobs out was ewww too! Even if it was meant for me. Yuck.

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Tue 02-Apr-13 19:50:28

Are you sure it was him that text you and not one of his "hilarious" workmates playing a joke?

CandlestickOlder Tue 02-Apr-13 19:51:42

He'll have the next few hours to think of an excuse so get ready for a wave of bullshittery.

In the meantime I'd start going through his stuff looking for any clues of adultery.

I suppose - maybe - this could be an in joke amongst guy friends. Referring to a mate's man boobs or something. And texting him if picking him up or something? As in 'I'm on my way, see you in five'. Because it's a bloody horrible 'flirty' line. But strange he hasn't responded.

Loserville Tue 02-Apr-13 19:52:17

He's not particularly protective of his phone. He plays some pool game on it but that's it really.

Do you plan on just asking him straight out when he gets back?

You can usually tell a lot from their initial fumbling for excuses/cover ups (if they are lying).

Sorry you're having such a shaky evening. I can't imagine how unnerving that has to be. Wasn't the nicest of texts either!!

Cheeky git could at least reply hmm

CostaTen Tue 02-Apr-13 19:52:37

Sorry but people always find the time if they want to cheat.

No doubt that this text was meant for someone else. So sorry OP.

ohtobecleo Tue 02-Apr-13 19:52:37

What's the bet he comes home with a been cooking up for the last four hours excuse that one of his workmates was playing a trick on him with his phone.

Hope it turns out to be innocent but it doesn't look good sad

tillyann2013 Tue 02-Apr-13 19:55:29

If this was my dh, I would automatically presume it was a joke by one of his mates. He might not even know about it?.. Or am I too trusting?

Loserville Tue 02-Apr-13 19:55:48

I felt sick when I read it. I'm just going to ask him straight out about it. No point beating about the bush hopefully he's not been beating about someone else's bush

Things is, most people who'd genuinely been texting a friend as a joke or whatever would've instantly replied to say something along the lines of woops, sorry, followed by brief explanation...otherwise of course it looks dodgy.

This lack of reply is what's weird about it. He must know how that sounds...

So I would prepare for a wave of BS & a dismissive afterword or even an attempt to make out it was nothing & to stop overthinking things etc.

Hope we're wrong for your sake though! I'd just be cautious, to say the least.

^but if it was a joke to one of your friends...and your DP texted you with '?' surely you'd want to very quickly clear it up and explain so they're not stewing, as OP obviously was? It's all a tad weird from an outisde point of view to be honest...

CandlestickOlder Tue 02-Apr-13 20:03:00

I think there is plenty of doubt! It could be completely innocent. Hope it is OP smile

Loserville Tue 02-Apr-13 20:03:20

His workmate was driving the van so wouldn't be able to text, I thought of that. Just need to wait and see what he has to say about it.

I'm sorry to post this, but, I know a man, a relative in fact who is cheating. He leaves in the work van with the 'boys' they drop him off and pick him up. The deal is whenever each gets a woman lined up (they work in houses fitting kitchens, so on estates where they'll be working for a few weeks) the other boys will cover and get the extra work done. They're all in on it and sickeningly go on holidays as families when at home with their wivessad I told one of the wives once and was shot as a messenger, not believed and now they hate me.
They always find time to cheat, and men are often wiling to cover for each othersad
Good luck tonight.

digerd Tue 02-Apr-13 20:06:28

Would he have already arrived at work in 10 minutes or still be in the car with his mate?

tillyann2013 Tue 02-Apr-13 20:09:44

I really don't think it sounds dodgy at all, his phone fell out of his pocket, he went to shop. His mate found it and thought it was be hilarious to text his wife, like a teenage boy would! Hope it's this scenario op and nowt else. X

Maybe83 Tue 02-Apr-13 20:09:48

No doesn't sound good at all does he have on line mobile billing or account registered I d be logging on or demanding he does when he comes home to show me his call txt history...

marriedinwhiteagain Tue 02-Apr-13 20:09:51

Could he have lost his phone? Have you tried ringing him or going to his workplace? Really hoping there's a sensible and true explanation.

digerd Tue 02-Apr-13 20:12:24

ps
when you got the text.

Coconutty Tue 02-Apr-13 20:12:51

Bit odd, sounds like something a 13YO boy would send.

Lavenderhoney Tue 02-Apr-13 20:13:02

What work does he do? Could he be texting someone as a joke he works with?

If he hasn't sent you the text ( workmate whilst driving or someone else they collected grabbed the wrong phone or another tenuous excuse) then he would have received one saying ? From you which he has ignored either because he hasn't noticed or he thinks it can wait til later as he doesn't have a clue what you mean.

Well, I suppose you will be able to look at his phone when he gets back unless he has deleted all the evidence. Look at any names above and below yours, plus some bills are itimised. Have a look at any SMS logged ones when he is working?

I got something like this once and it was pathetic watching my then bf trying to wiggle out of it. I am not the sharpest pixie in the forest but even I knew he was shining me on. Hope it's nothing though.

CostaTen Tue 02-Apr-13 20:16:39

I think it's the fact that he hasn't texted or phoned with an explanation after you replied that makes it sound more suspicious.

tungthai Tue 02-Apr-13 20:26:03

When I worked in a male environment the females were subjected to these type of comments all the time, it was hideous.

My bil indulges in sexist banter on fb telling his female colleagues to make sure they bake cakes and wear a low cut top when they are working his shift.

I think your dh is probably a sexist pig, I don't necessarily think he is cheating.

feel free to come and chat about what happens later OP.
I hope it goes ok & he has a bloody good reason for ignoring your follow up text (that wasn't because he shat himself & spent the next few hours panicking) brew

Fairenuff Tue 02-Apr-13 20:55:38

You don't seem overly bothered op, has this happened before?

If it were me, I would be on the phone speaking to him as soon as possible.

maleview70 Tue 02-Apr-13 20:58:31

He might not have replied as it might not be him who sent it and therefore he doesn't even know you have read it and replied. His phone may be off or in the van.

If it was me having a bit on the side and I sent this to my wife by mistake and then realised, I would have thought of an excuse and replied straight away.

It is also possible he was texting a mate. Men are stupid when it comes to work pranks etc. It's the sort of thing a mate of mine would send.

to be honest I'd have called him when he ignored it, to check that it was just something stupid so I didn't start wondering about it...

Loserville Tue 02-Apr-13 21:16:52

Fairenuff, I am bothered but just not trying to get myself worked up. Nothing like this has happened before, been married for 10 years, 3 children. No problems or issues that I'm aware of.

Isn't he meant to be home by now OP?

Have you tried ringing?

MrsSpagBol Tue 02-Apr-13 21:21:33

OP is he home yet. flowers

It's not looking any better if he's late home too.

Hope you're alright OP brew

Ahhhcrap Tue 02-Apr-13 21:25:41

No it doesn't look good.. Especially because he hasn't responded....

Maybe his mates have nicked his phone, or it could be something below the belt.

Coconutty Tue 02-Apr-13 21:28:12

Well, where the fuck is he then?

Hope you're having a chat & are getting a decent honest answer thanks

Loserville Tue 02-Apr-13 21:39:50

He was due to finish at 9pm, 20 minute drive home so he's late. Tried calling but phone unavailable. The phone signal for Vodafone is shitty here at times so won't jump to conclusions just yet. Sometimes he works over the time he's meant to finish.

Ok, well I hope you're not stweing too bad & are just keeping calm til you hear what he's got to say. You'll probably be able to tell if you've been together that long to be honest so I hope it is just a misunderstanding.

OhLori Tue 02-Apr-13 21:42:02

Its just got to be a practical joke OP.

Still :-( for you waiting to find out.

ohtobecleo Tue 02-Apr-13 21:49:00

On the plus side....if the phone reception is shitty he may not have been able to reply to your ? (or he may not even have got it?)

Clutching at straws for you OP.

Verbalpunchbag Tue 02-Apr-13 22:03:29

I've known lads take each others phones and put stupid things on each others fb, never a text though.

specialsubject Tue 02-Apr-13 22:10:09

he forgot his phone, some 'joker' grabbed it and sent the text, then turned it off. Hence you haven't had a reply.

or he left the phone unattended and your response isn't there yet - texts can take 24 hours, happens to me a lot. or he didn't hear it.

at least I hope so. But the fact you have jumped straight on MN to post this indicates all is not well.

VitoCorleone Tue 02-Apr-13 22:10:48

Hope you get to the bottom of it

tillyann2013 Tue 02-Apr-13 22:13:10

I totally agree with you special, the thought wouldn't cross my mind!

Machli Tue 02-Apr-13 22:14:39

My ex sent me a message for someone else by accident, I replied exactly as you did with a '?'. He didn't reply either. Too scared too. Spent hours thinking up some pathetic flimsy excuse. Your OP is ringing a lot of bells for me OP.

Machli Tue 02-Apr-13 22:15:10

To not too

Kione Tue 02-Apr-13 22:29:55

Maybe they do that to each other as jokes? my DP did that on my facebook, well pretending it was me. it was rude but quite funny. I have seen it dont on others. That would explain the ni answer. If ir wasnt for you I think he would have jumped wirh an explanation straight away! or maybe I am naïve.

Kione Tue 02-Apr-13 22:30:34

sorry the typos, touch phone

kinkyfuckery Tue 02-Apr-13 22:33:04

Hope everything is ok OP.

ImperialBlether Tue 02-Apr-13 22:36:57

Do men really do that on other men's phones? Really? Normal men?

Kione Tue 02-Apr-13 22:38:26

Maybe not normal, childish ones yeah. I honestly had it once. We where all in a pub and kniw for deffinite it was his mate...

Kione Tue 02-Apr-13 22:39:41

But we where in a pub. Drinking. Not on our way to work...

Hope you are ok.

Loserville Tue 02-Apr-13 23:10:10

Well he's still not home. Got a text saying he has had a call out which will take about 3 hours. I don't know what to think. The nature of his job makes this believable and any other time i'd go to bed without a second thought but my mind is in overdrive. After he text I tried to call but it's just going to voicemail.

sad and angry for you loserville

I'm the least hysterical, drama-llama, LTB poster you'll meet and this reeks to high heaven even to me.

To leave you hanging with no response just smacks of him hiding somewhere trying to get his story straight.

Feck.

Oh shit...

If I were you I'd gather any VIDs (very important documents) and put them somewhere else for safe keeping then try and get as much rest as possible, as you may find you'll need it.

He didn't reply AND he now won't tale your call. I'm sorry you're being left to hang like this thanks

*take

oops

Fairenuff Tue 02-Apr-13 23:18:08

Ah shit.

That's not good at all.

Don't know what your relationship is like but if I received that text I would have bombarded dh with calls and texts until he replied.

It would be so out of character for him not to be in touch. Even if it is just mates messing around, he would still answer my calls.

Fairenuff Tue 02-Apr-13 23:19:46

It's funny how you can receive a text but he can't hmm

Oh hell no, his behaviour means he damn well got the questioning text hmm

Unless it's standard for him to work super late, when he has kids & be unavailable by phone in case of emergencies...

TheCraicDealer Tue 02-Apr-13 23:22:51

God love you OP. Wouldn't be surprised if he's with the person he meant to send that text to deciding what his next course of action is.

I'd be tempted (although whether I'd have the nous to do it or not..) to just nod and go, "ok, yeah. What do you want for your tea?" when he uses whatever crap excuse he's prepared. Then he'll let his guard down, because clearly he's an idiot and thinks he's got away with it. This gives you more time to decide what you want to do, and to gather more evidence if separation is the way it's going. Give him enough rope to hang himself.

If it were me I'd have tried to bluff it out by going, "yeah love, it's been ages, can't wait to see you later when the kids are in bed" or something equally "romantic". So be prepared for that shit!

Loserville Tue 02-Apr-13 23:24:43

Normally I'd call and text until he answered but the kids have been playing up tonight. I text him telling him to call me straight away but nothing yet. As the minutes past with no contact it makes me think he's up to no good.

QOD Tue 02-Apr-13 23:28:13

Bugger
Doesn't sound good

You ok?

he knows what you want him to call about, that's (probably) why.

I'd just keep my game face on until I'd uncovered enough of what was going on to make a move. It may not be as awful as all that but it certainly looks dodgy from the outside & it wouldn't hurt to get all your paperwork in order in case he has the same idea. Horribly way to think but it pays to be careful, worst thing that could happen is it's all some keraaaazy misunderstanding & he'll never know you 'prepared' for that situation.

Hope you're ok. My stomach would be doing knots & I'd want to lock the bloody door thanks

*horrible

Loserville Tue 02-Apr-13 23:32:02

I'm ok thanks,thinking about having to get up at 6am, take kids to childminder and do an 8 hour shift. I'm just getting more angry at him not replying. It's so selfish regardless of what he is up to.

tightfortime Tue 02-Apr-13 23:35:23

Your gut's screaming at you, isn't it?

Why didn't he clear this up straight away if it was a genuine piss take by a mate or whatever. He's buying time.

Be interesting to see what excuse he crawls home with but I'd do as others say, get prepared, stay mad but calm.

1985Caz Tue 02-Apr-13 23:37:53

Poor you OP, this does seem bad.

Prepare a surprise party for when he returns later? wink

Sorry. Couldn't help myself!!! blush

Loserville Tue 02-Apr-13 23:39:31

Yeah my gut is telling me what I don't want to hear. Prepare for the worst is the best way at this moment. I keep thinking what reason would I be happy with? If he says his mate text as a joke, would I believe him. I need to see his reaction , I'll know straight away if he's lying I think.

(And no wonder you're angry. It's a selfish way to behave at the best of times. If he has done anything he could at least show a little respect) wine

^ totally agree.

You'll know when he looks you in the eye or can't whether its the truth & I would have a gut feeling that he's putting that off because it's very hard to lie convincingly in that situation.

CookieB Tue 02-Apr-13 23:45:31

What grown men send a msg like this as joke?. My dp sends me texts like this all the time on the way home which are reciprocated because after 11 yrs & 2 dc later we have still got a great sex life. There is nothing funny about this at all. I'd think the worst but that's just my opinion. Hoping it is a joke in bad taste for you op.

shock

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Tue 02-Apr-13 23:55:39

Even if it is just a joke are you going to believe him? Sounds like your mind is made up. It might be an honest mistake you know. I'm really hoping it is. But now you've sat and stewed for a few hours you're probably not ready to listen. Don't kill him just yet, you don't know what is going on. At least see what he has to say and then decide if you believe him. Good luck.

Cuddlydragon Wed 03-Apr-13 00:02:05

Good luck, I really hope you get an acceptable explanation.

Loserville Wed 03-Apr-13 00:07:38

Well I've gathered all important documents just incase. Can't believe I'm doing this but worst case scenario and all that. His phone is just ringing out now.

Loserville Wed 03-Apr-13 00:08:59

Meant to say, thanks for all advice/opinions. Been a good help.

LittleEdie Wed 03-Apr-13 00:09:26

So, if he was at work does that mean he was asking someone to send him pics maybe? So might not be a 'full' affair. Or maybe it was a joke to a friend? Surely he would have texted to explain if it was innocent though.

StuntGirl Wed 03-Apr-13 00:13:18

Impressed at how organised and calm you're being loserville. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst and all that.

I think it sounds like he's hoping you'll be asleep in bed by the time he comes home, so if he can just ignore you and avoid you 'til tomorrow you'll forget about it. Deluded fool.

MrsSpagBol Wed 03-Apr-13 00:45:20

"I think it sounds like he's hoping you'll be asleep in bed by the time he comes home, so if he can just ignore you and avoid you 'til tomorrow you'll forget about it. Deluded fool."

have to say I agree with this. What does he think the point of staying out late and not communicating with you is?

I did wonder earlier, why, if you sent such a text (mistake or not) you wouldn't rush to clear it up as soon as possible. If it was my DH I'd expect him to rush home and clear it all up asap. I appreciate that maybe he can't just leave work. But to not ring you is just very very very rude and smacks of guilt/trying to figure out what to say.

Even if it was a joke, why not just ring you? Surely he can see how that text would be construed and that joke or not he needs to reassure you.

I am really upset on your behalf.

Hope you manage to rest tonight.

Isabeller Wed 03-Apr-13 00:51:50

Been lurking and wishing for things to turn out better than so far looks likely, hope this thread helps give you the strength you need to deal with whatever comes next. x Is

Hope it all works out for you OP

HootShoot Wed 03-Apr-13 07:23:37

Did he contact you at all last night before he got home? I hope he had a good explanation for you.

HootShoot Wed 03-Apr-13 07:24:01

Did he contact you at all last night before he got home? I hope he had a good explanation for you.

chubbymomie2012 Wed 03-Apr-13 07:30:04

Oh gosh, this sounds suspicious indeed. i am the queen of wishful thinking and tend to give everyone the benefit of the doubt but id be worried+++ if i were you. Did he come home? whatbdid he say?

saffronwblue Wed 03-Apr-13 07:39:52

Good luck, OP.

Kione Wed 03-Apr-13 07:43:51

I really hope everything turns out ok, but doesnt look good sad

toffeelolly Wed 03-Apr-13 07:43:52

How did it go?

Notsoblonde Wed 03-Apr-13 07:49:56

Good luck op, hope he is home and you have had a good explanation for all of this.

fiddlemethis Wed 03-Apr-13 07:59:45

Hope you are ok OP, how many children do you have?

fedupofnamechanging Wed 03-Apr-13 07:59:52

If I were you, I'd be going through the history on the computer and if you know the passwords log into his fb and Skype and see what you discover.

AThingInYourLife Wed 03-Apr-13 08:01:05

Hope everything is OK this morn

Branleuse Wed 03-Apr-13 08:09:33

In all honesty, id send a message back telling him he was dumped.

If it was a saucy message meant for you, he wouldnt have ignored you afterwards and would have kept it going.
It was a clumsy flirty message meant for a female colleague, or an affair.
The fact hes also going to be "working" an extra 3 hours without any explanation to you, is bullshit. He hasnt even got enough respect to come home and grovel or make an attempt at an excuse.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Wed 03-Apr-13 08:16:39

Sounds like he fucked up and is now burying his head.

Of course his friend didnt send it confused

Op, your dh is obviously flirting with someone else.

I hope you grilled him

QOD Wed 03-Apr-13 08:24:31

Woke up wondering about you
Hope its not him playing away
How awful

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 03-Apr-13 08:40:51

Hope you are ok?

Are you sure he was at work last night? He could have been meeting OW hence the lack of communication....

I woke up thinking about you too.

Hope you're ok OP?

Has he returned?

(I know it sounds horrid but is there any chance he's done a runner)? thanks brew

Shit that's awful. And he must know you got it, so to leave you with no other explanation speaks volumes sad

(I don't mean to make you feel any worse...just sometimes people break things off by 'accidentally' revealing their infidelity then buggering off. I really hope that isn't what he's done & he came home so you could at least talk last night)

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Wed 03-Apr-13 08:57:31

Thinking of you, poor thing. You're handling this amazingly.

Locketjuice Wed 03-Apr-13 08:57:56

Did he return home and explain hmm

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 03-Apr-13 09:01:07

It's an odd message for a friend to send... They are usually embarrassing or funny, not creepy flirty like this one. I can't see friends finding it amusing to text that to a colleagues wife. Plus, the friend was driving.

I hope he got home and was honest, OP. Whatever he's done, you deserve complete honesty, rather than having to wade through all of his bullshit until he runs out of lies.

All the best. I hope work isn't too demanding today.

CostaTen Wed 03-Apr-13 09:12:24

Hope you're ok OP x

VitoCorleone Wed 03-Apr-13 09:16:39

Yes funny how he didnt reply to the '?' text, didnt answer the phone but did have time to text and say he had to work late.

Id be going mental.

VitoCorleone Wed 03-Apr-13 09:20:57

Yes funny how he didnt reply to the '?' text, didnt answer the phone but did have time to text and say he had to work late.

Id be going mental.

ShootingStarsss Wed 03-Apr-13 09:23:04

Hope your ok op?

I do think this looks very suspicious, his behaviour is strange, I hope you have managed to get to the bottom of all this.

Hope work's not too stressfull today with all this going on thanks

Crazycake Wed 03-Apr-13 09:35:33

I hope everything worked out ok thanks

kinkyfuckery Wed 03-Apr-13 09:59:50

thinking of you OP

lottieandmia Wed 03-Apr-13 10:00:41

This doesn't sound good sad I would be going mad if this happened to me.

Coconutty Wed 03-Apr-13 10:06:00

Hope you're okay this morning loser and that there was an honest explanation.

Ruprekt Wed 03-Apr-13 10:11:33

He sounds as guilty as hell! confusedconfused

Fairenuff Wed 03-Apr-13 11:18:32

Texting 10 minutes after leaving would suggest that he is not going to work at all but was setting off to meet another woman. It sounds like a pre-arranged 'date'. A fun way (at least for him) to let her know he's on his way.

He knew he sent it to you by mistake, because you replied and he would have received it straight away, probably thinking it was a suitably saucy reply from the ow.

When he realised his mistake, he went into hiding. He knows that he is caught out red handed and now he has three choices.

1) To deny it and try and talk himself out of it by making up a plausible excuse
2) To confess all and ask for forgiveness, or
3) To decide he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you any more and leave

Unless he came back last night, I'm guessing it's option 3. Sorry OP. (Please change your name though, I don't want to call you 'loser' because you're not).

skyebluesapphire Wed 03-Apr-13 11:27:59

Hope everything is ok.

Jux Wed 03-Apr-13 11:42:08

Hope you're OK. Things do look pretty bleak sad

Thinking of you today - hoping you're ok

mousebacon Wed 03-Apr-13 12:00:21

Hope you're okay, OP. Thinking of you today.

ladyjadie Wed 03-Apr-13 12:21:19

I really hope there is a reason for this that isn't the reason it really really seems like sad

Isabeller Wed 03-Apr-13 12:29:32

Lots of people thinking of you OP, hope you can come back sometime and that you are hanging in there today xx

This is not looking good is it? hmm

forgetmenots Wed 03-Apr-13 12:38:29

Really hope there's a decent explanation for all of this OP but I find his reaction even more fishy than the initial text! Hope you are OK and feeling robust this morning either way brew

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Wed 03-Apr-13 13:00:43

Hope you're ok and it's all been a silly mistake and everything's sorted out now.

flowers flowers flowers

MTBMummy Wed 03-Apr-13 13:41:38

Hope you're ok OP - you have been in my thoughts this morning

Loserville Wed 03-Apr-13 14:22:47

Thanks for your kind thoughts. I'm on lunch break so need to keep it brief.

He got home about 12.30am. Said it was his friend that sent it as a joke, was expecting him to say that tbh. He said he never replied as he didn't want to get embroiled in an argument on the phone hmm

Anyway, to cut a long story short I told him to sleep on the couch as I didn't appreciate that kind of joke or being left hanging like that thinking the worst. He went to sleep leaving his phone in his work bag so decided to have a look. There was a lot of recent calls to a number with no name against it. All the calls were made when I was at work or he was. So, I text the number from his phone saying "hey xx" . A text came back straight away with "hi, this is a surprise, is the wife asleep? Miss you"

I didn't reply. Got up went to work and don't know if I'm coming or going. I need to delve deeper. Lots to sort out when I get home. Definitely not looking good. sad

Got to go just now but thanks again for all advice and kind words.

Oh in sorry sad I think you have your answer

MrsSpagBol Wed 03-Apr-13 14:24:02

So sorry OP (as someone said, please change your username, you are not a loser) - I am so sorry this has happened.

Sending you hugs

WildThong Wed 03-Apr-13 14:26:12

Sorry Op. I have been where you are, horrible.
Keep your dignity, be strong.
flowers

I'm sorry. What a bastard. Stay strong.

VitoCorleone Wed 03-Apr-13 14:30:13

Oh fucking hell, hope you're ok sad

Oh fuck.

I'm so sorry he couldn't just bloody tell you. At least you know for definite. There really is no other explanation, that is what it is thanks

Rindercella Wed 03-Apr-13 14:35:12

Oh that's awful. I am really sorry. Please don't let him talk you round when it is so obvious he is cheating. You sound incredibly together and strong (even if you don't much feel it). You will get through this and come through it better and stronger than ever.

oh no, I have been thinking of you since I read your OP last night. This doesnt look good for your OH at all.

Im sorry. sad

theorchard is right, there really is no explanation other than the obvious one.

newbiefrugalgal Wed 03-Apr-13 14:38:54

I was hoping that would not be your response. What a shit he is.

Why do men do this!! sort out your relationship or leave don't have bloody affairs.

Ahhhcrap Wed 03-Apr-13 14:39:45

Oh so sorry to hear this OP, my heart sank when I read that, goodness knows how you are feeling right now. Please look after yourself

Boosterseat Wed 03-Apr-13 14:49:06

So sorry for you OP - from the "saucy" text you sound well shot of him

'Hi sexy, get your boobs out' - how juvenile hmm

Fucking charmer.

Please take care and keep posting you will get some amazing support here

Coconutty Wed 03-Apr-13 14:50:02

Oh love, sorry to read that. I hope that you are okay.

xx

StrangeDays Wed 03-Apr-13 14:55:50

So sorry this is happening to you.

Say nothing to him until you can get hold of the phone again. Take a screen shot or forward the texts to your number so he can't delete and deny.

Isabeller Wed 03-Apr-13 14:57:08

Really sorry to hear you're going through this. I imagine you must be in shock, hope you can get some RL support xx

Fairenuff Wed 03-Apr-13 14:58:39

He lied to you. He was going to continue cheating and let you feel like you were going mad with suspicion. What could be worse?

He spent the evening with her and told you it was a friend. No guilt. No remorse. He was going to let you suffer.

At least you know for sure now. That will save you a lot of uncetainty. Tell him to come completely clean about it, or you will leave him.

Then leave him anyway.

Oh and you'd better have an sti check, just in case. Sorry OP x

villagegossip Wed 03-Apr-13 15:00:52

So sorry that it's not sounding good sad

Well done you for taking matters into your own hands and catching him out! You have done exactly the right thing.

Look after yourself today and confront him later - what a prick thinking he'd got away with it hmm

sapphirestar Wed 03-Apr-13 15:06:07

Just come back to this hoping there'd be a half decent explanation, so sorry there isn't

What a tosser for leaving you wondering

Hope you are looking after yourself x

MrsTomHardy Wed 03-Apr-13 15:06:10

Think you've found the answer to what's been going on. So sorry!

CheeseandPickledOnion Wed 03-Apr-13 15:06:23

Oh no. Your poor thing.

Time to get organised and get him out.

whatkungfuthat Wed 03-Apr-13 15:07:17

So sorry this has happened. He will know by now about that text, whoever answered is bound to have mentioned it. At least he can cut the bullshit and start telling the truth. I don't know how you had the restraint to not kick him in his stupid head when he was sleeping.

And what he's done isn't really redeemable, as he had no intention of coming clean & would've happily lie to you until whenever. WHo knows how long. Get hi out asap & concentrate on yourself until the worst of it blows over & you can start re-building things for yourself.

So sorry again thanks

*him

Loserville Wed 03-Apr-13 15:09:11

Got off work early. I called him and left a voicemail to pack his stuff. I think I am in shock, I haven't shed one tear. When I think what he has done to the children I feel so angry though. They adore him and now their whole world is about to change. I will never ever understand people who cheat. Why stay in a relationship if you want to be with someone else. I guess having your cake and eating is the thing here.

We had so much planned this year too, I don't know how he was expecting to get away with this set up. Although for all I know, it could have been going on for months!

I should be ok sti wise. I always insist on a condom even though im on the pill.That's something at least..

MTBMummy Wed 03-Apr-13 15:09:36

So sorry that he's confirmed your worst fears - if it helps at all, some of us have been there and it does get better, I promise.

Hugs and hand holding

ShabbyChit Wed 03-Apr-13 15:09:43

I'm so sorry OP, but that text you got back from the number kind of spells it out I think <Un-MN hugs>

CostaTen Wed 03-Apr-13 15:09:59

So sorry OP sad What a tosser!!

We are all here to hold your hand.

He is avoiding you isn't he? Will you see him tonight?

chubbymomie2012 Wed 03-Apr-13 15:18:09

oh no i am so sorry. i know that sickening feeling finding messages on the OH phone. i must say u are very calm. i hope u have someone who can help u through this awful time xx

Well done, you're doing the right thing!!

And when they keep both things going it seems to be an excitement thing. They like the thrill of the OW but want to keep the security/love of the DW. And I'd be fuming on behalf of my kids too...especially my DS! I would be mad that he'd set such a bad example but don't worry about all that. His bed is made & he will lie in it, thankfully not with you!!

(As my DP just said when I read this to him "What a bloody bastard. Fuck him...but not like that, aha).

Hope you're ok thanks

LynetteScavo Wed 03-Apr-13 15:30:32

sad

flowers

Do you have a plan? We are here for you. x

So sorry - been following this thread and the update was gutting.
So many of us have been there and at the beginning it is shock.
You will go through so many other emotions though so be prepared for them.
You are doing the right thing and you are strong.
Once you get through these next few months life will look a whole lot better.
Good luck OP.

HootShoot Wed 03-Apr-13 15:32:35

Im so sorry loserville, you sound so strong, and your kids will get through this because they have such a great mum.

Cherriesarelovely Wed 03-Apr-13 15:34:42

Sorry to hear that OP. What a horrible shock and what an idiot he is throwing it all away like that. You were restrained in not texting something unpleasant to OW! Good on you for being strong and resolved to act. He will not know what has hit him.

Holy fuck what a horrible excuse for a man. So so sorry this has happened to you.

Keep your wits about you as long as you can and get him out x

AllThatGlistens Wed 03-Apr-13 15:37:26

So sorry to hear this OP, what a complete tool!

Take good care of yourself and your children, try to focus on keeping yourself as well as you can, MN is full of wonderful people who are here day and night to talk things over with you as and when you're ready, you're not alone flowers

Loserville Wed 03-Apr-13 15:38:50

The only plan I have is to pack his things. He called to say we need to talk and it's not what I think hmm There's nothing he can say to make me think he's innocent so what's the point?!

The sooner he's gone the sooner I can get on with my life and make things stable and happy for the children. My own dad done the exact same thing and my mum did not cope at all. I need to be strong and focus all my energy on them. They are all that matter.

NotMostPeople Wed 03-Apr-13 15:40:47

So sorry do you have a friend who can be with you today?

Ahhhcrap Wed 03-Apr-13 15:41:14

What a complete shit!! So sorry OP.

StuffezLaBouche Wed 03-Apr-13 15:41:14

What lie is he intending to feed you, I wonder?? God, what a horrible thing to happen. How disgusting that him getting a seedy shag means more to him than his wife and kids.
You sound really strong and focused on protecting your little ones. Sending you best wishes.

ladyjadie Wed 03-Apr-13 15:43:30

That's right, stay strong. So sorry you've had this done to you. You are better than this. And you and your kids deserve more than a life of being driven mad by suspicion, which is all that staying with this shit can offer you now, through no fault of your own.

Hugs,

No Loser, they're not the only things that matter. You do too, especially if you're going to support them. Please don't forget to consider yourself in all of this.

Loserville Wed 03-Apr-13 15:46:33

It's amazing how you can go from loving someone to hating them in the space of hours. I never imagined he could do this. All I have running through my head is all the times he was working late and couldn't come to parents night or school plays, was he with her? Makes me sick to think about it. Choosing another woman over his children is unreal to me.

You need answers, otherwise this is going to eat you up. ANd he owes you answers.

Cherriesarelovely Wed 03-Apr-13 15:49:13

Well done OP, you are so right. You need to think of yourself and your Dcs. Intriguing to imagine how he can explain that away though! It would drive me mad too wondering.

ohtobecleo Wed 03-Apr-13 15:50:01

Keep that anger OP, it will help when he comes with the bullshit excuses.
Good luck.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Wed 03-Apr-13 15:51:30

Well done op, stay strong. You're doing the right thing for you and your dcs. What an utter bastard.

GoodyGumDrop Wed 03-Apr-13 15:52:18

Hi I was lurking on this late last night and came back to check on things.

shock OMG the total and utter shittyness of some men (possibly all) never ever ceases to surprise me. This must be a hell of a shock for you, especially as it seems that you hadn't had much reason to suspect anything before this.

I'm not sure that anything we can say will lessen the pain that you must be feeling. But you WILL get through this.

I finally got rid of my ex 7 months ago, I never had any concrete proof that he cheated (clever dick) but I strongly suspect he did and had enough evidence just going on the websites he was visiting...porn, dating, random slapper friends on social networking sites. He also had other issues debts (hotels etc), drinking, emotional abuse, etc.

The absolute only thing you can do at the moment is just get on with your life (after you've got rid of him). Also, don't keep it bottled up, the more you tell people the more support you'll get. Talk talk to family/friends. If you don't know how to tell people just text and they'll come running. It's good that you're working, speak to gingerbread re. Benefits advice.

Thinking of you...you will get through this, you will x

Also, take comfort in the fact that this other woman is first and foremost a stupid slapper and most probably deeply unhappy and insecure. You are a decent, hardworking mother. Let the shit rot in his own piss...he'll soon realise what an idiot he is angry

fedupofnamechanging Wed 03-Apr-13 15:55:04

Do you have access to his phone bills? If you know the last bill date and amount, you can set up on line billing and have a look to see how long this has been going on.

It might help to do a bit of investigating, if only so you will know when he feeds you a pack of lies.

That said, if you want him out, then that's that and you maybe don't need to know all this other stuff.

pictish Wed 03-Apr-13 15:56:46

Oh dear OP...sympathies xxx

Loserville Wed 03-Apr-13 16:01:05

I don't know the log in details for his phone account so can't check. He probably thought he was being clever deleting text messages but forgot about the call history.

I know I need to know the details but I'm not sure I want or ready for it.

pictish Wed 03-Apr-13 16:02:31

He's going to lie to you like there's no tomorrow. Are you prepared for that?

ThePinkOcelot Wed 03-Apr-13 16:04:42

So sorry OP. (((()))) xx

Loserville Wed 03-Apr-13 16:05:36

Yes I have my bullshit repellant at the ready. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to converse with the man.

bleedingheart Wed 03-Apr-13 16:07:10

OP I'm so sorry to hear that this wasn't innocent, when I read the first posts I did think it was plausible it could be mates messing about but not on the way to work, in the pub or if he was nearly home maybe. I think your gut was telling you there was more to it though and it was right.

He will say she's just a friend and you focus on the kids and she listens to him as a person not just a dad blah blah blah. He is a coward and a cheat. He blew his opportunity to come clean and talk last night, you don't need to hear everything now if you don't want to. You know the main point. Let him stew while you decide what you want if that suits you. Get him out and away from you.

Fairenuff Wed 03-Apr-13 16:07:32

It sounds like he's getting ready to feed you more lies.

Hang on to that anger. Remember, every time he lies he is insulting your intelligence. Treat him with the disdain he deserves.

He needs to get to the point where he realises you are not going to buy into his bullshit. Then he will start being honest with you.

pictish Wed 03-Apr-13 16:07:55

I am wondering what sort of story he is going to dream up to explain away 'Hi sexy get your boobs out' and 'Hi, this is a surprise, is the wife asleep? I miss you'

It's not what you think though apparently. hmm

ShootingStarsss Wed 03-Apr-13 16:10:59

So sorry to come back and read this op hmm what a shit bag he is.

When he is sitting there reeling off all his story & excuses, tell him to log into his mobile phone account and show you his calls/text bet he won't.

Keep up your angry mindset and keep thinking about your children, as you say you need to focus on them and put them first, kick his sorry arse to the kerb! confused

StuffezLaBouche Wed 03-Apr-13 16:11:40

That second text is the bloody clincher, isn't it? There is literally no possible explanation for that.

Bluelightsandsirens Wed 03-Apr-13 16:12:32

Is the number stored in his phone under a name?

I would be swapping hat number for my own before I chucked his sorry arse out, giving you opportunity to receive all the my wife doesn't understand me, we don't sleep togeather texts meant for her.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's devastating x

I would be calling the nunber and seeing who answers and what she has to say?

Here to handhold loser (I dont like your name sad) and try to keep hold of the anger.

Whether you want answers now or not doesnt matter. To not listen to his nonsense is whats important.

pictish Wed 03-Apr-13 16:13:41

No name - just a number.

LizzyMcGuire Wed 03-Apr-13 16:15:13

Urgh. What a foul excuse for a human being he is. She obviously knows all about you too, nasty nasty woman.

StrangeDays Wed 03-Apr-13 16:16:20

I think it's odd for a woman to text 'the' wife.

ladyjadie Wed 03-Apr-13 16:16:21

Remember, every time he lies he is insulting your intelligence.

This. Sadly sad

whatkungfuthat Wed 03-Apr-13 16:17:29

She might not think its all so exciting when he dumps his sorry arse on her doorstep tonight, looking for a place to stay

ShootingStarsss Wed 03-Apr-13 16:18:54

I think saying "the wife" is disrespectful and sarcastic to be honest, god knows what he has been saying to this women.

Awakeagain Wed 03-Apr-13 16:19:01

Stay strong op, take time to sort things out in your head with him gone

DragonMamma Wed 03-Apr-13 16:19:59

I read this late last night too and just came back to check - what a complete tosser OP.

I can't imagine what you must be feeling - one misdirected text that blows yours and your children's lives apart.

FWIW, you're handling it better and more calmly than I would - I'd be like a flaming banshee and out to wring his.neck.

Stay strong and don't listen to his bullshit

lisac99 Wed 03-Apr-13 16:22:56

When the anger goes (and it will) and you feel sad or unhappy, please, please, please remember

- He has betrayed your trust
- He has lied to you
- He has no respect for you

By taking control and telling him that you are not prepared to condone his behaviour means that he can't lie and try and weasel his way back into your life. You will hurt - you will be angry and once the adrenaline stops, you'll probably feel moments of intense sadness.

However you will get through this.

You don't deserve to be lied to or treated like a fool.

He might have thought he could brush this under the carpet, but you need to remain strong, reiterate the fact you want him OUT... and don't engage with any of his pathetic 'Oh, it was a joke' remarks.

Hope you're doing OK.

Stay strong OP x

"hi, this is a surprise, is the wife asleep? Miss you"

Fuck. He will not be able to lie his way out of this one.

Am so sorry op, what a complete bastard. Telling you it was a mate and he didn't phone because he didn't want to get embroiled in an argument on the phone was spineless and mean of him. By the time you see him next she will have let him know she got that message and replied so it will be interesting to see what fucking load of bollocks he has cooked up this time.

So, so sorry sad

WeAreSix Wed 03-Apr-13 16:27:43

What an evil thing to do. Firstly for cheating and lying but then lying again when confronted.

OW obviously knows she's seeing a married man, does she have no self respect?! What kind of person could be so vile!

pictish Wed 03-Apr-13 16:53:13

Never mind the OW...she's not married to the OP. She's just a woman withsuch low self esteem as to accept the role of bit on the side, as good enough for her.

The dh is the cheat and the liar.

captainbarnacle Wed 03-Apr-13 16:53:18

So sorry sad Bet he is kicking himself now. He is such a loser.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Wed 03-Apr-13 16:58:09

and it's not what I think
This problem doesn't have anything to do with you.
Make it clear to him "there is nothing wrong with the way you think". End every sentence to him with that phrase for a hundred or so times.
That makes me so angry on your behalf, to pile that on top of it all.

Reread what lisac99 said at the top of the page maybe even print it out. Excellent post.

C'loserville, wink, close his hiney out pronto. And good for you for moving forward in getting his things packed and out. I am sorry that it is so sudden. But you know, sometimes Plan B can outshine Plan A by miles.

Jux Wed 03-Apr-13 17:03:51

So sorry. Will be thinking of you; if holding your hand keeps you strong then here's mine...

EyePad Wed 03-Apr-13 17:07:20

1. Your dh sounds as thick as shit.

2. The 'other person' called you 'the wife'. This in itself sounds very strange. It is a very blokey thing to say?

3. I would wait for him to say whatever it is, because something doesn't ring right here. BUT of course have your bullshitometer at the ready.

Ahhhcrap Wed 03-Apr-13 17:11:40

Be prepared for all amount of bull shit to come from him. He'll prob only admit to what you already know so don't be afraid to stay quiet to let him fill the silence.
I'll be buggered if I can think if how he'll explain it tho

SucksToBeMe Wed 03-Apr-13 17:16:08

Loser, you are handling this so much better than I did when in your position. He does not deserve you.

mrsmindcontrol Wed 03-Apr-13 17:16:29

Oh poor you OP. be strong x

kinkyfuckery Wed 03-Apr-13 17:17:44

Oh shit. Am so sorry to hear that it is looking like the worst case scenario.

What is happening now? Has he agreed to go?

Loserville Wed 03-Apr-13 17:18:04

'The wife' thing, he affectionately refers to me as The Wife, It's never bothered me, more if a running joke type thing. The fact he has referred to me as this to this other person is extremely hurtful especially her using it to refer to me.

Loserville Wed 03-Apr-13 17:22:52

Kinky. Still no sign of him, I'm thinking he's chickened out of coming. I've left another message telling him if he hasn't picked up his clothes by 8pm then he'll find them at the local Marie Curie charity shop. I'm not dragging this out for days. He needs to face me at some point and i deserve at least some sort of explanation face to face, he's just being a coward.

EyePad Wed 03-Apr-13 17:24:41

Yes, I can understand him calling you 'the wife' to his mates etc, but for the OW to call you 'the wife' is a bit strange. It is just such a mans thing. Maybe I am overthiniking things but could the OW in fact be the OM?

Eye, it'a their little in joke, surely?

EyePad Wed 03-Apr-13 17:28:46

yes, could be, I just feel it is odd. But i am probably wrong!

kinkyfuckery Wed 03-Apr-13 17:28:52

Disgusted by the pair of them using his pet name for you. That's actually one of the most disrespectful things I've read in a long time - yes, even on MN!

bumpers Wed 03-Apr-13 17:29:51

Hope you ok op

cjel Wed 03-Apr-13 17:34:32

so sorry you are going through this, I remember that waiting and feeling sick so much. You are doing so well, mine was away so i had to wait 2 days for him to come bk but had rented a flat for me and ds by the time he got home. We talked all night but although I felt we could have made it work I needed the separation so that I could get my head round what I wanted, Its very tempting to take them in and not have your world rocked to make everything alright but the only way to work on it is to separate and go through it honestly.<<hugs>>x

Sparkley84 Wed 03-Apr-13 17:37:50

I'm so sorry to read this. You're being so strong and did so well to go to work. Good for you standing up for yourself about the stuff. I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now but my thoughts are with you. Stay strong and stick to your instincts x x

Fairenuff Wed 03-Apr-13 17:45:06

He is such a coward. Not even having the decency to speak to you face to face.

He knows that he's been caught and that there really is no plausible explanation. He's trying to buy some time by stalling so that he can work out what he wants and what he's going to do.

I think you are right to chuck his stuff out if he doesn't collect it. Why should he be the one calling all the shots. He's had it his way for too long.

How old are your children? Will they be there or could they stay with someone else for a bit?

Loserville Wed 03-Apr-13 17:54:04

My lovely friend is having the children overnight. I'm off work now until next Wednesday so I'm going to do lots of fun things with the children. Fairenuff, they are 5, 7 and 10.

OhLori Wed 03-Apr-13 17:55:13

God, I'm so sorry.

I had to check back OP, because I was one of the ones who thought the original text such a bizarre occurrence, as to be unbelievable except as a practical joke gone wrong. Sorry I am wrong.

Doha Wed 03-Apr-13 17:57:08

Have you got joint accounts? Can you check that he has not taken any money out/cleared them today????

onefewernow Wed 03-Apr-13 17:57:23

I will never ever understand people who cheat. Why stay in a relationship if you want to be with someone else. I guess having your cake and eating is the thing here.

Too right.

his has been analysed by many.

The answer is, he does want you both.

He wants her for fun, sex, approval, to make himself feel extra good.

He wants you for kids, dinner, domestic support, outward respectability, to stop him feeling lonely in between, to bring up his kids, keep his house, to ensure he keeps more of his income in the home he lives in (instead of maintenance), to sort his life out generally.

That's why he want both.

He isnt very interested either in what she wants, or what you want.

You are doing brilliantly, by the way.

lolaflores Wed 03-Apr-13 18:00:47

loser you will be well rid, you will sit and look back in six months or a years time and marvel at yourself. Do lots of things with the kids, the pureness of their love is healing when this happens. it will give you faith in humanity if nothing else.
do not allow him to twist or turn any of this away from himself. Imagine yourself as a heat seeking missile, relentless in getting him out. I am not sure if you will get anything approaching the truth, just hope he has the good manners to be embarrased (which it seems he is by not showing his face). The non show is evidence enough of his guilt. Actions speak louder than words. He has hung himself, you finish the job. Its the kindest thing to do.

OhLori Wed 03-Apr-13 18:03:05

Hope you have a lovely time with your children, make sure you get a big wad of cash out to spend.

Ponyinthepool Wed 03-Apr-13 18:05:38

Thinking of you OP, I can only imagine how sad you must be feeling. Lots of us sending strength and support your way, you will get through this.

Just an observation, but the tone of those messages sounds to me like 2 people who haven't known each other long. I'd say this is a meaningless fling rather than a meaningful love affair. It's unlikely to have occured to your DH that this could cost him his marriage, so he's going to be having the shock of his life.

If he works shifts, there are probably records of the hours he has worked. That and his phone bill are two things you might like to insist he bring along to any discussion of how 'it's not how it looks'.

Loserville Wed 03-Apr-13 18:07:23

Thanks again for all your support. It has really help me stay focused and not crumble. It would have been so easy to just say to him please come home we can sort this out. But I know I could never stay with someone who he's betrayed me and the children. It's true, once the trust has gone there is no point. These texts can't be explained away as something else. His lack of contact is answer enough he has been up to something.

Fairenuff Wed 03-Apr-13 18:08:10

Ah jeez, 5 7 and 10. How could he do that to them. He wasn't thinking of them when he was with her was he.

If he tells you it meant nothing, tell him that when he was with her, you meant nothing to him.

And you're worth more than that.

Keep posting. There is a ton of support here and invaluable advice from those who have been where you are and come out of it stronger x

If you are at home and he is not, make sure you get copies of all his financial information, such as salary/payslip, etc.

Do you have a joint account? Ensure he cant empty it.

Do you rent, or own your home?

toffeelolly Wed 03-Apr-13 18:09:42

Sorry to hear. You are better than him keep your head up . Thinking of you .

Branleuse Wed 03-Apr-13 18:10:09

hand holding, and wishing you lots of strength xx

Loserville Wed 03-Apr-13 18:16:36

Yes meant to say we never got round to opening a joint account. He doesn't know my bank details or online banking details but I know his and its pay day tomorrow for him...

The house is in my name too so no problem there. Best decision ever not putting it in both names. It's a private rented property.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 03-Apr-13 18:20:24

You sound strong and thanks goodness finances should be relatively easy to sort out.

What a cowardly spineless cheat he is - he does not know what facing up to his responsibilities means. He needs to man up.

CandlestickOlder Wed 03-Apr-13 18:21:32

Sorry to hear all of this Op.

What a massive shock.

Apart from the obvious, are you ok? Make sure you eat and drink and take care of yourself.

forgetmenots Wed 03-Apr-13 18:21:40

Fucking hell OP (I'm not going to call you loserville. He is a loser).

You are doing so well, stay focused and strong. ((Hug, even if it is fecking un-MN!!))

Loserville Wed 03-Apr-13 18:26:45

I've drank about 20 cups of coffee today! Need to try and eat something though. A Chinese takeaway and a bottle of vodka sounds appealing but I won't. Well maybe the takeaway.

Doha Wed 03-Apr-13 18:27:53

what time was/is he supposed to be home. Did you take a note of the OW phone number?

Fairenuff Wed 03-Apr-13 18:32:34

Yes, get the takeaway, you need to keep your strength up. Alcohol not a good idea at the moment.

Loserville Wed 03-Apr-13 18:37:54

Yeah I have her phone number. He only had to work until 2pm today, then his apparent 'works night out' is tonight. He's probably at hers. I was tempted to call the number and ask if he's there. Is that a good move do you think? Or just leave it and put his things outside? I'm half scared she's someone I know, it's a possibility.

Casserole Wed 03-Apr-13 18:40:59

Have you tried googling the number OP? (also not going to call you loserville).

You sound strong. I know you won't always feel that way. But you are going to get through this x

Jux Wed 03-Apr-13 18:41:14

Well, I would soon be thinking about bolting the doors for the night. You still haven't heard from him? He truly is a coward isn't he?

AgathaF Wed 03-Apr-13 18:41:55

Oh, what an absolute shit. I read this thread yesterday and have only just caught up with developments today.

Good about your bank account and the house being in your name.

forgetmenots Wed 03-Apr-13 18:42:07

Don't call her OP.
Bags on the doorstep definitely.

NotMostPeople Wed 03-Apr-13 18:42:58

Keep posting OP and stay strong.

BoyMeetsWorld Wed 03-Apr-13 18:43:00

Aaaaargh oh OP my heart goes out to you, I too found out via text that DS' dad (Xp) was seeing someone else. Who cares if it's a good idea or not to phone her- you'll go mad wondering if you don't. & like in my case she may give you more answers, even if out of spite. Perhaps best to phone when he won't be there though or she's unlikely to say much? Big hugs

Jux Wed 03-Apr-13 18:44:10

No, not a good idea to phone or contact her at all. However, googling her number isn't a bad idea. Try to maintain a dignified silence. He knows you will remove his stuff if he hasn't picked it up by tomorrow a.m.

Lock the doors tonight so he can't get pissed and crawl into bed while you're asleep, though.

lambrinigirl Wed 03-Apr-13 18:45:50

Thinking of you.keep strong.you have your future with your lovely children to think about. Sending a big hug.xxx

NotMostPeople Wed 03-Apr-13 18:45:52

He's got an hour and ten minutes before you said you'd get rid of his stuff, are you going to start packing?

Sugarice Wed 03-Apr-13 18:45:55

Thinking of you OP, please change your nn, you're no loser !!

Don't call that woman, leave the pair of them stew .

Bogeyface Wed 03-Apr-13 18:47:12

I would ring her and say that could she please let him know that his stuff is now outside the front door and she is welcome to him.

cjel Wed 03-Apr-13 18:49:40

No no No don't phone her. Don't give her any of your time. Think of you and Dcs not 'them'.If you have answers from her they won't matter to you. Look after yourself make sure you force yourself to eat good things regularly anxiety burns up a heck of a lot of calories!!! Keep to what you said. Bags outside. He'll probably try to come with I felt so awful, I couldn't face what I'd done, i feel so bad etc.etc. At least the longer he stays away the more time you get to realise you are right in what you are doing. Go and eat!!!

MrsSpagBol Wed 03-Apr-13 18:51:28

I CANNOT believe that he finished work at 2pm and instead of rushing home to come and talk to you and try and sort things out - he has gone on a work night out?

His MARRIAGE is about to end?!

I am sorry but you deserve so so much better!!! You sound like a lovely person and your husband sounds like a total and complete tool!! He doesn't seem to realise what is at stake here.

You deserve better! I am infuriated on your behalf.

Sparkley84 Wed 03-Apr-13 18:52:18

Calling her is up to you. I think personally I couldn't bear to know who she was or what she looked/sounded like but if you need to know then call and ask. If he's told her what has happened she may not answer though. X

I agree with others - get a decent dinner in you and bag up his stuff.

You're being such a brave woman and that worm doesn't deserve you or your family

Fairenuff Wed 03-Apr-13 18:54:52

No don't ring her. Just do as you said and pack up his stuff.

If my dh told me I had until 8pm to come home or I would be out on my ear, wild horses wouldn't keep me away. If he had a genuine explanation (which of course he can't have) he would be keen to be reassuring you, not out on some 'works do'.

It's just one lie after another. I wonder how long he has been doing this.

I would lock the doors. If the house is in your name, he has no right to be there without your permission. If he breaks in you can call the police.

He doesn't take you seriously at all. He thinks he can breeze in and out when he likes. He thinks if he comes home late you will be asleep and he can kip on the sofa. Who are you, his mum?

I would send him one more text: At 8pm I'm putting all your stuff in bin liners on the front lawn and I'm locking the door. If you want to speak with me come round before then. Otherwise it's too late.

Casserole Wed 03-Apr-13 18:55:33

Decent dinner in you, bag up his stuff, and at 8pm exactly it all goes outside. Then double lock all doors, unplug all phones and doorbells and start planning some nice things for you and your DC to do over the next few weeks.

flutterbynight Wed 03-Apr-13 18:55:36

Sorry this is happening to you OP. I hope this doesn't sound patronising or condescending but I think you are very courageous, tackling this head on and not taking any shit! Pleased to hear you have a lovely friend to help support you in RL too.

I would definitely be having that takeaway, be kind to yourself, OP.

Can you google her number and see if anything comes up?

StrangeDays Wed 03-Apr-13 18:57:17

Don't phone her.
She's beneath your dignity - they are both not better than shit on your shoe

TweedWasSoLastYear Wed 03-Apr-13 18:58:51

Im sure exactly the same thing happened to someone else on here a month or so ago . UDH texted OW instead of his DW .- Busted .
Sorry its happened to you as well, with 3 kids of an impressionable age . what an idiot.
Have you thought to check to see if it really is the company xmas do?
He might just have been intending to spend the night with OW instead , and needed a plausable excuse?
flowers hope you can work through this and come out stronger

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 03-Apr-13 19:02:46

He's hoping you won't kick him out if he stays away. That you'll miss him, or worry, and soften.

Don't. Pack his stuff, lock the doors and get yourself that takeaway. You deserve it!

Inertia Wed 03-Apr-13 19:08:06

Another one here who was hoping for an innocent explanation - sorry that it's turned out this way. Him not even coming home to explain himself is just astonishing . I wonder whether he's with OW cooking up a story.

Doha Wed 03-Apr-13 19:08:48

Nooooo don't phone or contact her at all. Maintain a dignified silence. If he is with her it is because he HAS to be there not because he WANTS to be there. She will soon realise that he has had to settle for second choice. She is his fall back option because you threw him out.

Sorry you're going thru this OP. What an utter shite. No real advice but plenty of hand holding xxx

VitoCorleone Wed 03-Apr-13 19:15:24

Well id love to know what lame excuse he's going to come up with, lying twat. He doesnt deserve another second of your time

Smellslikecatspee Wed 03-Apr-13 19:22:39

Oh I'm so sorry it ended like this, though if you hadn't found the 2nd text would you always have been wondering?

You sound very together, please stay that way show him that you are to be respected as a person, his wife and the mother of his children.

I wouldn't contact her, God knows what shit he's feed her. Show her how a decent person acts.

I can't give any real advice but there are lots of fab strong women on here who can help you both in real terms and emotionally.

Smellslikecatspee Wed 03-Apr-13 19:23:34

Ps. He's the loser.

Boosterseat Wed 03-Apr-13 19:24:28

Don't call her, if they are together then they are welcome to each other you don't want to come over as the needy mad wife (sorry I hated typing that as you're coming across as one seriously switched on woman)

I'm so mad for you OP

HE needs to collect his shit
HE needs to discuss with you how HE is going to tell the kids about how he can't keep his mangy cock in his pants
HE is welcome to his skank who will be no doubt riddled with insecurities and poor judgement - do the OW ever really last?

I really hope you can get some time to yourself, can your DP give you some me time?

You're doing great, I punched the air when you posted about telling him to pack his bags.

Stay strong

Fairenuff Wed 03-Apr-13 19:25:30

He will no doubt say it's just a bit of banter and nothing has happened between them. He has never met up with her, or touched her, just a bit of harmless flirting.

But that's irrelevant really. He has lied to you op. And he has treated you appallingly. You wouldn't want to be with someone like that under any circumstances.

WeAreSix Wed 03-Apr-13 19:42:16

Bag his stuff up. At 7:59 out the door it goes, lock the door and never look back.

What an idiot. (Him not OP)

Uppatreecuppatea Wed 03-Apr-13 19:45:23

I am so curious as to where he is and how OW reacted to all this.

Her response to the text from his phone doesn't sound overly amorous or possessive. Frankly, his text to her "get your boobs out" doesn't sound like a serious relationship - just casual shagging.

I'd be surprised if she was happy to have him land on her doorstep (if that's where he's gone). Lord knows what her situation is - i.e.. DH, DCs etc..

I predict he's in for a very shit night. And that is good.

skyebluesapphire Wed 03-Apr-13 19:45:49

Slo sorry it has turned out like this. I agree, chuck his stuff out and lock the door. Get a friend to come over.

You are being very strong but the shock will hit you some time soon..

NotSoNervous Wed 03-Apr-13 19:54:32

So sorry OP

You sound so strong

Notsoblonde Wed 03-Apr-13 19:55:39

sorry to read your update op sad what an absolute shit!

woopsidaisy Wed 03-Apr-13 19:56:27

This low life cheats on his wife and kids, destroys a family, walks out if a marriage after lying to your face.... and can't even be bothered to feign guilt. Or even attempt regret.
Unbelievable. What a knob!
You must be in such shock OP. I hope you get some answers.

Loserville Wed 03-Apr-13 19:57:45

He's just left. Came in with his head down, sat on the sofa and said sorry. That's it, sorry. I asked who she was, he said I dont know here. He met her on a night out end of February. He said he's only met her 3 times since. He doesn't love her, it was just sex blah blah blah. He said it can't be over and he'll fight to get me back. Think he underestimates how fucking angry, hurt, betrayed I actually am. He's taken his things, it is killing me knowing he can walk away probably to her and have someone to hug.

So that's it. It's hit me, I'm scared to cry, I'll never stop.

EyePad Wed 03-Apr-13 20:00:57

oh I am so sorry. What a bastard. angry

AllThatGlistens Wed 03-Apr-13 20:01:18

Oh OP I'm so so sorry sad

It's completely normal to feel blindsided by what's happened, you're in shock and will naturally be caught in a roller coaster of emotions.

Do you have family or a friend you can call to come to you? We're all here too x

Areyoumadorisitme Wed 03-Apr-13 20:03:00

Thinking of you lots OP. Take care of yourself.

lambrinigirl Wed 03-Apr-13 20:03:21

Did he say where he's been since 2pm.

MrsSpagBol Wed 03-Apr-13 20:03:43

Oh honey. Have a cry. You need to. This is completely devastating. You really need to allow yourself to let it out and take it for what it is - he has brought your world crashing down around you.

I can only imagine how you wish you had never ever seen that stupid text.

I feel so so sorry that this has happened.

He is an absolute fool. And I agree he really doesn't seem to "get it". Does he think marriage is a game?

I am so so sorry.

Have a huge cry and have your takeaway then go to bed. Leave it at that for today. Just take one day at a time.

Sending you a masssive virtual hug.

He is not even nearly ready for the mess he has created. And if it's so casual he is going to be at a loose end very very soon as I am sure this girl was not planning on moving in with him after 3 visits. He is really up shit creek.

So sorry.

Bluelightsandsirens Wed 03-Apr-13 20:03:54

Oh goodness sad

Do you have a friend you can call, get out of the house?

I'm so sorry x

Sugarice Wed 03-Apr-13 20:04:42

Cry and keep posting.

Lots of support here, thinking of you.

You're strong and will get through this.

Fairenuff Wed 03-Apr-13 20:05:52

Even if he's telling the truth (doubtful) that's 3 times in 4 weeks. Times that he has lied to you. Knowing full well that he was risking his marriage. Knowing full well that this would affect his children. And not caring.

She won't be any comfort to him. Whenever he is with her all it will do is remind him of what he has lost. What he has thrown away.

He treated you terribly today because he was still trying to think of a way to spare himself. Not you. Him.

He really doesn't care. He's just sorry he got caught.

You need to build a wall of family and friends around you now. People who really do care about your feelings and want to help and support you.

Keep posting. Let it all out x

Isabeller Wed 03-Apr-13 20:09:49

I don't have any wise words but my heart goes out to you xx

hmmSo sorry. I've been thinking about you today & wanted to say that I think you sound brill. Such an awful thing to happen to you and you've been so strong (even if you don't feel it at the moment).

No advice- I think you're doing everything in such a dignified way. There are loads of us out here thinking about you and your DCs. You will look back on this at some point in the not too distant future and be very proud of how you dealt with this, I'm sure.

StuffezLaBouche Wed 03-Apr-13 20:11:20

I feel sick on your behalf.
You know what's really disgusting? He's been avoiding coming home NOT out of guilt but because he's been desperately wracking his brains for a plausible excuse and then realised he couldnt think of one. He has NO respect for you.
Vile specimen. "Fight for you!!" how the fuck dare he? no fighting needed if he could just, lets see, not fuck other women.
Have you got a mate close by? Please do have a cry if you need to.

oh love, I am so sorry. sad What a shit he is.

Loserville Wed 03-Apr-13 20:15:00

Thank you everyone.

I just keep thinking this is the worst things can get then I'm reminded I need to tell the children sad it is going to break their heart and how much do I tell them. I actually hate him for putting me in this position sad Obviously need to sort out contact and things but I need space from him.

sleeton Wed 03-Apr-13 20:15:18

I am so very very sorry OP. I have been following, and right to the last second ... right till you posted He's just left. Came in with his head down, I kept hoping for it to be okay for you. I can't even say what I was hoping for, him leaping in with some sort of surreal big 'April Fool' .... I don't know .... just something, anything, that wasn't so terrible as this. I am so sorry.

MrsSpagBol Wed 03-Apr-13 20:15:59

Erm, I think HE needs to tell the kids. He made the mess, he should clean it up. It's not your job to explain this.

He needs to tell his kids he messed up. That is all.

carabossse Wed 03-Apr-13 20:17:11

Surely the time to decide he'd "do whatever it takes for his marriage" was at 5pm yesterday after receiving the "?" text, or at 9pm when he was supposed to be on his way home, or late last night when he finally did return home, or this morning when he could have taken the day off work or could have been in contact, or at 2pm after work? Not waiting until his belongings were in a black bag.

Talk really is cheap. He doesn't seem to have shown any concern for his family or for the upset he'd caused till it affected his living arrangements.

OP, you seem very capable. Good luck.

CabbageLeaves Wed 03-Apr-13 20:17:21

Keep him away. You matter. The kids matter. If he has any decency he will respect that and do it on your terms

I'm so sorry OP. this will get better and stop hurting

cjel Wed 03-Apr-13 20:17:55

Have a good cry. you will stop. The pain will come and go, you will be happy again.xxx

NotMostPeople Wed 03-Apr-13 20:19:28

There's nothing wrong with having a bloody good cry, I'm so sorry that he's put you through this. Keep posting MN comes into its own at times like this.

skaboy Wed 03-Apr-13 20:20:36

Feel bad for you. It's crushing finding something like that out. My advice is to find some really good friends to have around you for the next few weeks if you can.

I'm a couple of months down the line from finding out about my wifes affair and I'm now at the point where I'm ok most of the time. We've separated and are just sorting the logistics with the kids etc. Unfortunately if my experience is anything to go by, you'll have to face up to the fact that he is a liar and you probably won't be able to trust him again whatever happens.

Depending on what kind of person he is it might be sometime before he realises the extent of what he has done, if at all.

FairPhyllis Wed 03-Apr-13 20:22:10

God almighty. He couldn't even be bothered to come home when he finished work to talk to you. You deserve someone who respects you.

OP if it was a casual thing I doubt very much that she will welcome him turning up with all his stuff. He is going to run out of options pretty fast.

Oh, and HE needs to tell the children with you. Make him face up to the consequences his actions have had on them.

thekitchenfairy Wed 03-Apr-13 20:22:12

So sorry OP, is there someone who can come over tonight?

Think it's his job to tell the kds when the time comes.

Meantime, can you get out and do some fun stuff with your DCs? On his money if he just got paid...?

Thinking of you.

Smellslikecatspee Wed 03-Apr-13 20:22:18

Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry, what an arse.

I don't claim to be an expert but bearing in mind that most cheaters will only admit to what they know they can't hide, I wouldn't believe the 3times etc.

Stay strong.

AThingInYourLife Wed 03-Apr-13 20:26:02

"Surely the time to decide he'd "do whatever it takes for his marriage" was at 5pm yesterday after receiving the "?" text, or at 9pm when he was supposed to be on his way home, or late last night when he finally did return home, or this morning when he could have taken the day off work or could have been in contact, or at 2pm after work? Not waiting until his belongings were in a black bag."

^^ this. Exactly this.

OP am so sorry for you. What a git. Just remember that you don't deserve this, it's not your fault. He made the choices and decisions he did and none of this was because of you.
He should tell the kids as its his fault. But for now, concentrate on you and how you feel. Cry if you need to but keep posting on here-it's good to talk xxx

Loserville Wed 03-Apr-13 20:28:08

Most of my friends are away on breaks forbEaster apart from my friend who has the children. I have no family, parents have passed away and no siblings. I'm ok on my own. I'll stick my favourite movie on and distract myself.

I suppose it shouldn't be down to me to tell the children. I just don't want to leave it too long although ignorance is bliss for them.

Casserole Wed 03-Apr-13 20:28:46

Oh no. I am so sorry. I was also hoping against all rational hope for another outcome.

I don't think you need to tell the kids anything right away. Just tell them Daddy's had to go away with work. Not to make his life any easier and not because I think you will change your mind but just because right now, this week, your focus needs to just be on you, and getting you through each day. Anything extra can wait.

Do you have friends or relatives nearby who you can tell / get round?

So sorry. So very sorry x

Casserole Wed 03-Apr-13 20:32:02

Sorry, crosspost about the friends etc.

It doesn't really help, but I am sitting here in my study virtually holding your hand tightly. I think everyone on this thread is.

Fairenuff Wed 03-Apr-13 20:32:28

Did he say where he was going to go? I'm sure she won't want him living with her. Especially as she knows what a cheat and a liar he is.

I would be inclined to tell the children that daddy won't be living with us anymore because he doesn't love mummy, but he does still love them just as much as always. If it's left to him, he is likely to say that he doesn't want to leave but you are making him hmm

Let their school know when they go back so that they can offer them additional support and makes allowances for emotional behaviour. There are good books for young children to help them make sense of it.

cjel Wed 03-Apr-13 20:33:42

have you got your take away?

DragonMamma Wed 03-Apr-13 20:34:43

I'm so so sorry OP, like others have said, the fact he didn't race home speaks volumes.

Sending you all the strength you need.

Areyoumadorisitme Wed 03-Apr-13 20:42:28

OP, now is the worst part and you are undeniably in shock and feeling betrayed, hurt and furious.

Please remember that you are the only person who can decide whether what you had before this is worth trying to rescue. From what up you said you seemed to have a good relationship prior to this so consider carefully, it is very easy for us strangers on the web to say leave the bastard but we have only ever heard this awful part of him. You alone can decide if you want to try to rebuild your relationship.

Good luck with everything, you will get through this stronger whether single or together.

MonaLotte Wed 03-Apr-13 20:43:22

Wow just read all of this. So sorry op. We are all here for you.

Areyoumadorisitme Wed 03-Apr-13 20:45:19

Please note I am not belittling what he has done at all, it is outrageous and I don't know if I could ever forgive that but also don't know that I could throw away a previously good relationship without serious thought.

Fairenuff Wed 03-Apr-13 20:50:22

How does op know what kind of relationship she had? It was all a farce. She cannot believe anything he says. All his actions shriek of self-preservation.

Ruprekt Wed 03-Apr-13 20:50:32

I am so sorry it ended up like this.

Please name change as you are not a loser.

Where do you live? Am sure there are lots of mumsnetters near you who would be willing to help you out. Even a coffee and a chat.

Do you think he could fight to get you back or is this The End?

Stay strong. Eat. Look after yourself. smile

Someone said there was something on the relate website about what and how to tell children. Might be helpful?

minkembra Wed 03-Apr-13 21:01:15

areyou i am usually last to say ltb. but op is not throwing away her relationship her h has already done that.

He was just hiding like a pathetic coward yesterday probably with his enabling co-workers trying to feeling sorry for himself and has probably slinked back to his mums. i doubt OW is that interested.

Sorry OP. but i do think you have been amazing.

Yy to getting him to tell the kids or you tell them together.

minkembra Wed 03-Apr-13 21:01:57

areyou i am usually last to say ltb. but op is not throwing away her relationship her h has already done that.

He was just hiding like a pathetic coward yesterday probably with his enabling co-workers trying to feeling sorry for himself and has probably slinked back to his mums. i doubt OW is that interested.

Sorry OP. but i do think you have been amazing.

Yy to getting him to tell the kids or you tell them together.

Jux Wed 03-Apr-13 21:03:32

Second the request to namechange! He is the loser, you aren't. You are a strong, independent woman who is to be admired for coping with awful behaviour from her Loserh with dignity.

QOD Wed 03-Apr-13 21:10:53

Just add a "not" to your name for now, so we know its you

YOU'RE not the loser, he is.

Arse

Nat38 Wed 03-Apr-13 21:14:36

So sorry it`s turned out like thissad
Really feel for you.
When it happened to me I told the kids, but all I said was that mum & dad didn`t love each other anymore.
When my youngest DD asked if her dad had an affair I told her that it was not for me to say, she needs to talk to her dad. She begged me to tell her but I wouldn`t tarnish her image of him-he could do that himselfangry
Looking back I think I must of given her the answer she wanted because she never did ask her dad, but seems to know what he did.sad
I think by doing what I did, we both came out of it ok with her!
Stay strong, do what is right for you & your children-whatever that might be!!

ImperialBlether Wed 03-Apr-13 21:15:11

It is really awful telling the children, no doubt about it. I made the decision to tell them ten minutes or so before a programme they enjoyed watching on tv came on. They did get very upset but after ten minutes I said, "OK, everyone's getting upset but you know that you can see Dad whenever you want. Why don't we just watch X on tv and try to forget it for a bit?"

I was amazed that they really leaped on that opportunity to stop talking about it. Ten minutes into the programme I "remembered" I had some Ben & Jerrys in the freezer and they got all excited about that. Have to say it was a sign of how much he'd signed out of family life that they didn't really mention it much after that.

Car journeys were good for bringing it up (not in an upsetting way) - I think there's something about not having to face someone (for them, I mean) that helps them ask difficult questions.

Or leavingloserville to show you're leaving him behind.

thanks

birdofthenorth Wed 03-Apr-13 21:17:40

OP I think you are doing amazingly well. I'm so so sorry you are going through this. I have been lurking on the thread as I'm sure many others have but wanted to pipe up and say there is a massive Mnet community out there sending you heaps of best wishes and support. Just take one hour at a time. We're here.

Coconutty Wed 03-Apr-13 21:19:03

I could slap him on your behalf Notaloser

Stay strong and keep talking if it's making you feel better.

Maybe83 Wed 03-Apr-13 21:19:03

Oh god I'm so sorry to read this...the shock is awful I know...have you any family you could call to come round? You ve been so strong...

Fairenuff Wed 03-Apr-13 21:25:28

All children really want to know is how is it going to affect them. The more things that stay the same the better. Normal routines, normal school day, etc. If he used to call them to say goodnight, for example, things like that can stay the same.

Don't worry about it for now op, just get through one hour at a time. It's a shame your friends are away, but you can use the internet to find out about your rights. Womens Aid will be able to point you in the right direction.

Keep busy, distract yourself as much as possible. Get as much rest as you can. We are all here for you x

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Wed 03-Apr-13 21:25:52

I should change your name if I were you, to Fighter, or Winner, or something.

So sorry. Was really hoping it was all some stupid wind up.

There's so much support for you on here. Please take care of yourself and you dc's. He really doesn't deserve you.

flowers flowers flowers

Finola1step Wed 03-Apr-13 21:31:17

Oh OP. I've just read your thread. What a complete and utter tosser he is. Please make sure you eat, cry when you want to, try to get some sleep and lock the front door from the inside (keys in the lock). Just in case he thinks he can come creeping his way back in.

There will be lots of posters who can give great advice re legal situation. Well done for fronting it out and seeing him for what he truly is. You have my full admiration.

MadBraLady Wed 03-Apr-13 21:34:12

I'm so sorry, OP, been reading here since yesterday.

I don't think you should have to tell the children either.

Don't make any decisions tonight. Get that takeaway, look after yourself. All the stuff you have to do you can get started on tomorrow.

flowers

Couldn't read and not post. OP, I think you're amazing. I would have crumbled and dissolved into a vodka swilling weeping harpie in your situation.

Whereabouts are you? Like others have said, if you don't have friends around you, you can at least have MNers wink I'm in Norfolk. If you're nearby let me know and we can do coffee, cake, walks, pubcrawls. Whatever you need.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. It must be absolutely devastating, especially as you had no idea anything was wrong in the relationship. Keep posting. You will get a hell of support on here, and some very good advice.

SueFawley Wed 03-Apr-13 21:44:09

OP, I read last night and was waiting for an update today. I'm absolutely shocked by his behaviour. What a stupid tosser.

I'm in Cheshire. If you're anywhere near me, and would like to go for a coffee and chat sometime, PM me.

Loserville Wed 03-Apr-13 21:49:48

I really do appreciate all your support thanks

He has just text saying its me that's ending it not him. Phone is now switched off. I knew he'd turn it round on me. His actions ended it not mine.

I live just outside Glasgow btw.

Is he fifteen?

First sign of a coward and a liar - turn it back on the victim and claim it was their fault.

But you know deep down that it wasn't.

It was his choice to cheat
It was his choice not to face the music
It was his choice to split up his family

And you are the one who'll keep your family together because you haven't betrayed them.

Seriously doing this on someone without children being involved is one thing - how low do you need to be to punish young ones at the same time.

Massive hugs to you x

madonnawhore Wed 03-Apr-13 21:53:40

wow, read the whole thread with my jaw on the floor.

text him back saying 'you ended it when you had sex with another woman'. then turn your phone off and have a good cry.

he's a twat and you're better off without him. you'll be able to see that soon. but not right now. right now just be kind to yourself.

Tobermory Wed 03-Apr-13 21:53:53

Sadeyedlady.s first line is spot on.

I too think you're amazing. What an awful awful 24 hours you have had. Be kind to yourself. flowers

roughtyping Wed 03-Apr-13 21:55:12

Loserville feel awful for you. You're doing so well. Lots of flowers and brew

whatkungfuthat Wed 03-Apr-13 21:55:41

He's pathetic, he ended it when he had sex with that woman. Take care of yourself and don't let him drip any more poison. Hope you have someone nearby who will listen in RL

MadBraLady Wed 03-Apr-13 21:57:47

Fucking hell, my gob is smacked! "Yeah yeah I shagged another woman and texted her about her boobs and didn't have the decency to explain myself when rumbled but YOU ended our marriage, you big meanie!"

You're a bigger person than I am to have your phone switched off.

tessa6 Wed 03-Apr-13 21:58:01

Unbelievable cruelty preserving his sense of himself that way. Just breathtaking. I know it's terrible to say right now but you're best out of that. What a coward.

So sorry for you op, keep posting, we're all here to support you x

Bogeyface Wed 03-Apr-13 22:00:46

I have had that one "You are ending it not me, you are getting what you want"

Yeah, like I wanted you to have an affair and lie and cheat your way through our entire relationship, I am thrilled.

Told him that yes, I was the one ending it but that if he hadnt cheated then I wouldnt need to end it so he had no one to thank but himself.

Uppatreecuppatea Wed 03-Apr-13 22:00:51

I'll bet "Big Boobs" isn't so pleased with this development.

OP - I am almost sure he is not with her tonight.

Hmmmm, perhaps he's sleeping in his work van.

Be strong babe.

GaryBuseysTeeth Wed 03-Apr-13 22:05:22

WTF? Cannot believe he'd try & turn it round on you.

Sending you a massive hug & another brew
x

Bluelightsandsirens Wed 03-Apr-13 22:06:32

It is so much easier for him to turn it onto you.

I mean how rude of you to end it just because of his actions he will lay the think of the children card, it meant nothing card, you always put the DC before me and I liked the attention, she cared about my feelings more than you do - yuck.

Just remember every time he text, spoke to or met with this women he was disrespecting you, your marriage and your family.

He did this.

Have you eaten anything?

Fairenuff Wed 03-Apr-13 22:08:18

He has just text saying its me that's ending it not him

Well what did he think you would do? Pat him on the head and say, that's fine darling, you can shag whoever you want and stay married to me too.

This is just a other lie. Each time he says something like this he just proves what a waster he is. He really doesn't get it does he. Is this his idea of 'fighting for you' hmm

The same as 'it's not what you think it is'. Er, yes, actually, it was exactly what you thought it was.

This guy thinks you're as stupid as he is.

Stay strong. You are doing the right thing. Let him stew for a change x

CostaTen Wed 03-Apr-13 22:11:01

OP I am in awe of your dignity.

He is a pathetic cheat. If he hadn't sent the text to you by accident you would be none the wiser and he would still be cheating and lying and he's trying to turn it round on you?? Slimeball.

You deserve so much better. He has made his bed, let him lie in it. And the text he sent to the OW was hideous - they sound like a real class act :-/

Stay strong and keep talking x

oh what an utter fuckwit. His actions have made this happen.

Can I just ask, is he the DC father?

Stay strong, you are doing brilliantly.

You could always tell him to go "awa n bile yer heid!" one of my favourite Scottish sayings.

roughtyping Wed 03-Apr-13 22:22:25

Jax, I prefer 'go fuck yourself ya dick' myself

Doha Wed 03-Apr-13 22:23:57

Loserville l live just outside Glasgow too (the west) if l can be of any help just give me a shout

newbiefrugalgal Wed 03-Apr-13 22:25:15

I'm not up north but I'm thinking if you tonight.
Xx

NotSoNervous Wed 03-Apr-13 22:26:20

I'm so sorry things have worked out to this OP.

He's got a damn cheek trying to turn it around on you. If it w you who cheated and risked your marriage and family life then he certainly wouldn't be saying his marriage ending is his fault and nit yours!

There's nothing wrong with having a good cry and just let it all out. I wouldn't have anymore contact with him at the mi ute, let him swear while you out you and your children first.

cjel Wed 03-Apr-13 22:28:14

Well yes it is technically you that ended it by being brave enough to face the truth, Does the idiot really think that you should just say naughty boy it must be hard for you never mind? OP well done for turning the phone off don't believe any of his rubbish.x

roughtyping Wed 03-Apr-13 22:37:31

(I'm also just outside Glasgow, just north, any help required just PM. smile)

Loserville Wed 03-Apr-13 22:45:12

Thanks. I've forced some food down, feel better already. Was getting dizzy spells through lack of food.

Now if Life of Brian can't put a smile on my face nothing will. I'm done thinking about him for today, he's taken up enough head space today.

roughtyping Wed 03-Apr-13 22:47:24

Enjoy Life of Brian. Watched it the other day funnily enough, sadly OH's hard drive has given up and died now sad

Hope you're alright. Don't give him the head space. You're doing really well.

Jux Wed 03-Apr-13 22:49:05

OP, don't dignify his texts or attempts at communication with replies. Ignore ignore igore. If necessary, switch off your phone - he had o compunction about doing that, did he?

He will spend a lot of time trying to weasel out of any responsibility, and tbh, I wouldn't put it past him to set conditions for his eventual return to the bosom of his family.

At the moment, you need some space to get your head round it and decide what you want to do. May I suggest that you text him in the morning telling him that you want a week to consider your position, and that if he had any respect for you he will not contact you in that time.

See if you can get a free half hour with a family law solicitor to discuss your options. Do you want divorce? Would you prefer to try to mend it? That would be dependent upon him taking responsibility for his actions and being truly remorseful, of course.

You probably can't decide that with certainty atm, which is entirely natural, and one reason why you need some space from him.

Talk to people. Tell them what has happened. You will get lots of support and will need to be able to discuss your feelings in rl. Tbh, it is entirely possible that he will tell people his own version - and heaven knows what that might be. Better to tell people the truth yourself first. They will find out, and rumours can be very stupid if there are no facts (I remember my cousin died a year after his mum died - the rumours were that he'd killed himself because he couldn't cope with life without her - he was nearly 40 and had left 'home' years before, was on the point of marriage and had just bought a house with his fiancee. Nothing further from his mind than suicide!).

So get the truth out there before people start thinking up stupid things.

Above all, be kind to yourself. You will feel up and down and let yourself do that.

Focus on your children, and try to do one nice thing with them every day, if it's eating pizza and ice cream on the sofa watching a film, or going to the park.

Let yourself be upset and wobbly.

Eat. Bananas contain pretty well everything you need in terms of nutrition, so even if you can't cope with a meal, eat a banana. My doctor recommended that my mum ate banana liquidised with ice cream every day when she became too ill to eat proper food.

Loserville Wed 03-Apr-13 23:14:34

The only other thing I'm sad about is his family. They are my family, his sisters are like sisters to me. I thought about calling the one I'm closest to earlier but didn't. I'll do it tomorrow, I know she will be round in a shot and she may very well kill him.

SundaysGirl Wed 03-Apr-13 23:17:29

Just wanted to add my voice to the support and say it sounds like you are doing brilliantly.

Really sorry he has been such a cowardly twunt sad

SweetSeraphim Wed 03-Apr-13 23:21:34

Have just read this thread from the beginning, OP, I'm so sorry this has happened. What an utter cunt he is.

He was always going to blame you, you know that. This is what they do.

The thing is, he hasn't even seen the error of his ways. He STILL stayed out and couldn't face the music until he was certain you knew the truth. Prick.

SweetSeraphim Wed 03-Apr-13 23:22:15

You are doing brilliantly, by the way. You're very strong. Namechange though, please! You are so NOT a loser.

Jux Wed 03-Apr-13 23:23:53

Yes, start by telling his sister.

You are brilliant. So strong.

Fairenuff Wed 03-Apr-13 23:26:50

His family are still part of your family. They are your children's aunts and grandparents. They will still want to be in your lives.

saffronwblue Wed 03-Apr-13 23:27:23

Thinking of you OP. ( I also do not want to address you by this name). What a huge shock you have had and how strong you are.

Fudgemallowdelight Wed 03-Apr-13 23:38:22

I think it would be fine to tell his sister.

shesariver Wed 03-Apr-13 23:39:59

You sound so much better than I would be in this situation, sadly I can believe him turning it round to try to blame you , its the only way he can justify his behaviour to himself. Very early days - his wider family will always be yours to.

EssexWelsh Wed 03-Apr-13 23:44:08

So so sorry to read this, I caught the beginning last night and I have to say I was expecting to see a positive outcome when I checked back.

You have been AMAZING! Your children are incredibly lucky to have such a strong woman as a mother, regardless of what their father is like. Again as other posters have said, sorry to be patronising, but reading this has made me incredibly sad but this is obviously your life and the way you are taking it by the balls and sorting it out, I will always remember you in tough situations!

Good luck for the coming weeks!

AgathaF Thu 04-Apr-13 07:54:33

Definitely get in touch with his sister. You need as much support as possible at the moment.

He is such a deluded shit for trying to put the responsibility for the marriage ending on you. And that's a pretty full on text he sent the OW (the one you got by mistake) if he really had only seen her three times.

Kione Thu 04-Apr-13 07:57:28

I am really sorry that things took that turn. I am shock at his initial silence, and I hope his sister supports you and more importantly that she keeps her friendship with you from now on thanks

Branleuse Thu 04-Apr-13 09:06:31

just say yep, im ending it, fuck off you fucking cheating lying piece of shit

Boosterseat Thu 04-Apr-13 09:25:26

My exp brother is still a wonderful friend almost a decade after we spilt, he is very active in his DNs life (despite minimal contact from deadbeat Dad).

I really hope his sisters are supportive and provide you with a much needed shoulder to cry on.

flowers

ladyjadie Thu 04-Apr-13 09:28:01

He 'didn't know her' well he knew her well enough to ... ugh.

This is your ticket out of loserville, if you kwim.

Lots of hugs

WeAreSix Thu 04-Apr-13 09:47:52

Hope you're ok this morning flowers

getthegirladrink Thu 04-Apr-13 09:51:30

Hey OP, thinking of you this morning flowers

Erebus Thu 04-Apr-13 09:58:49

Just wanted to add my small voice in saying how brilliantly you're handling this.

I know that you'll walk out of this debacle with your head held high, just as you deserve.

Stay strong, look after yourself, and EAT!

Keep posting here, too. We're all right behind you!

flowers

pictish Thu 04-Apr-13 09:59:42

So....he left you dangling for a protracted period before coming home with a 'sorry', and then told you it was you who was responsible for the split eh?

He doesn't much care does he?

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 04-Apr-13 10:03:09

Hope you are ok?

The fact that he left you waiting is very cruel - how fucking dare he blame you for ending the marriage! Pathetic weak spineless creature.

he is a prick - in Scottish that is a very bad word. grin It's 'fighting talk' but that is what he is.

I am so sorry OP, what he has done is spineless and cruel, you are very together - because you know you deserve better than this and so do your children.

He will continue to blame you and throw it back in your face that ' you ended it!' - what were you supposed to do? eejit that he is.

Stay strong, you do deserve better than that.

DragonMamma Thu 04-Apr-13 10:12:00

How are you this morning OP? Hope you managed to get some rest and have eaten something

MakeHayNotStraw Thu 04-Apr-13 10:12:05

God, OP - what a horrible shock for you. Thinking of you today, I hope you got some sleep last night.

MTBMummy Thu 04-Apr-13 10:12:31

Just caught up, and I can't believe what an arse he is being, it's not your fault, he ended it the moment he decided to shag another woman.

But don't play his games, just ignore him, don't rise to his text messages, focus on yourself and your kids, enjoy your Easter break with them, and don't let his stupid childish behavior interfere with that.

I know it's hard to see now, but it does get better, give yourself time to grieve and cry it's good to get it out.
When my ex and I split I was devastated, but looking back, I'm a stronger happier person now than I ever was with him.

kinkyfuckery Thu 04-Apr-13 10:14:15

How are you today OP?

hi OP - so sorry you're going through this.

just wanted to say from the child's perspective (my dad was a cheat and my mum would take him back) it's really important to have at least one parent you can trust and respect. when the mother takes him back as unfair as it may be for the child you can end up being unable to respect or trust eith