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Internet Dating Experiences - Is It The City I Live In?

(53 Posts)
Zilvernblue Tue 02-Apr-13 10:57:09

So I've been doing internet dating for one month now. Have had 163 responses, about half without photos. Have met two of them for coffee, of those one of them turned up half an hour late and it was a disaster (I had a thread on here). The other one I got on OK with, but there wasn't an instant attraction. What he then did was send me 9 or 10 very short messages, saying he was very attracted to me, basically demanding to know how I felt about him and whether I fancied him. I said I liked him but couldn't say for definite how I felt after one coffee lasting 25 minutes but after that he never messaged again and I felt quite put off pursuing it! Clearly just looking for sex.

To be honest though, most of the men are very arrogant, can't string a conversation together and seem to expect you to chase after them. And most of them aren't physically attractive in the slightest, and very old looking for their years. Most of them seem to have no notion of how to make reasonably polite conversation, and send aggressive sounding messages, as if they are speaking to their mates in the pub! Others speak to you as if you are a 5 year old child...

I've had many messages propositioning me for sex in the crudest terms, often with explicit photos (have changed my settings now). I've had even more messages asking me for sex chat. Surely there are women who charge for that sort of thing? Why would anyone provide such a service for free?? Most of them though have been along the lines of "Hi" or "Hows you?" or even "Hows you? Got any more pics?". Its like a different language, photos are always "pics", its never "how are you", etc..

I've had ones with photos of quite ordinary looking, middle aged men who feel the need to tell me they are good looking (the requirement seems to be having two eyes, a nose and a mouth). I've had two gems today. One who listed as one of his hobbies "giggling". When I queried it, he responded "Aw, you sound bitter lol xx". Another, claiming to be 46 but clearly in his late fifties as he was short, overweight, wrinkled and bald, had this gem in his profile "I'll probably get slated for this, but come on girls.. If you're in your 50's and dress like an old prude in sensible cardigans, then the chances are you'll have more in common with my mum than me, so I'm really not likely to be interested. Also, and I'm sorry to admit this but I'm a teeny bit shallow, and regardless how great your personality is, there's got to be some initial attraction".

Then theres the timewasters. I was hoping to meet up with one promising looking man last week, but he could not set a place or time to meet for coffee. Eventually we agreed on a venue, but not a date, then he changed his mind as he didn't think the venue would be that great but couldn't think of anywhere else (I'm new to the city so don't know anywhere). So 12 messages later, still no date set up and I never heard from him again...thankfully!

MadBraLady Tue 02-Apr-13 11:36:55

Blimey, which city are we talking about? grin

No experience I'm afraid but it sounds grim and quite funny, you are obviously getting your moneysworth in dinner table stories if nothing else! Hopefully someone who does IDing and can compare will be along soon.

oopsadaisymaisy Tue 02-Apr-13 11:51:56

OD in my experience has really changed since I last tried it a few years ago. Most of the men who contact me just want sex chat. WTF is that all about! Rarely do any of them want to actually meet. I'm wondering if its what I'm giving off though. I think its like finding a needle in a haystack. I'm thinking about trying a private match making agency. Honestly I ve tried it all and got nowhere. Maybe we should set up a site that guarantees no sex chat!

VenusStarr Tue 02-Apr-13 12:00:11

Oh this doesn't fill me with hope. I've literally just started my own thread about online dating. I only set up my profile yesterday, but haven't had a sniff of interest. I'm not sure if I'd prefer your experience though! hmm

I can't offer any constructive advice, so watching with interest, hope you don't mind!

DoingItForMyself Tue 02-Apr-13 12:11:53

I'd hide your profile, only search for and message men who interest you rather than waiting for them to contact you, and don't get into lots of chat first, if they can't commit to a meeting straight away, move on. You can weed out the losers and weirdos quite easily that way!

I wouldn't be offended by the honest approach "I'll probably get slated for this, but come on girls.. If you're in your 50's and dress like an old prude in sensible cardigans, then the chances are you'll have more in common with my mum than me, so I'm really not likely to be interested. Also, and I'm sorry to admit this but I'm a teeny bit shallow, and regardless how great your personality is, there's got to be some initial attraction"

In fairness, that's probably how we all feel, we want someone who takes care of their appearance and who we fancy - its probably not necessary to spell it out (especially as he's no oil painting himself) but if he's written it with correct spelling and grammar he's already in the top 10%!!

Take control of it, ignore anyone who doesn't float your boat and keep an open mind. I met my wonderful DP on one of the 'worst' OD sites - POF - (he was also on Match, but I was too cheap to pay for a subscription to that one!) and also met a couple of other quite nice blokes on there first, so I think my approach obviously worked quite well! Good luck.

boyfromipinema Tue 02-Apr-13 12:17:59

Actually I'm into women who wear cardies, and if they knit as well I'm putty in their hands.

boyfromipinema Tue 02-Apr-13 12:23:34

Hot knitwear chat followed by texting revealing cardie pics please.

bestsonever Tue 02-Apr-13 12:27:46

A month is not long. I've sent out messages, smiles etc over the past month and not a reply in return - I am aware a certain number of profiles are fake. So my next tactic is to sit back and wait for someone to communicate with me. Fat, balding people mostly so far (though I obviously look after myself and lead an active lifestyle). Once in a blue moon someone palatable will acknowledge me, I'm just thinking this will take time and seeing as not in a rush, so be it. When you think about it, it's not surprising that there is a high proportion of sex-crazed, deviants too, it's probably why they are single in the first place - especially at er my age. My advice is take your time and expect to have to weed out a lot of crap, meet soonish (a week or two later after chat) so you don't waste time on the crap.

SanctiMOMious Tue 02-Apr-13 12:40:51

wow. how depressing. i think i would make it clearer on your profile that you are articulate and intelligent. hopefuuly that will intimidate the stupuder ones from messaging you.
a man who doesnt want prudes in cardigans is clearly looking for sex with girls young enough to be his daughter. and good luck to him with that ! ha ha.
i will be trying to venture out there later and tbh my plan such as it is , is to make sure i scare off the tossers lokking for free sex industry workers. i might wear a cardigan. id rather get one reply a month from somebody who maybe gets ME.

SanctiMOMious Tue 02-Apr-13 12:43:19

ps, do u ever wobder what threads men would start about internet dating. "im 56 divorced (twice) i think im gorgeous ladies! look at that photo of me (before i got a belly that would sink a ship).

SanctiMOMious Tue 02-Apr-13 12:45:05

i honestly wonder, what do these guys think.... anybody who doesnt want to sleep with a fat bloke 15 years older is a prude... ??

Zilvernblue Tue 02-Apr-13 12:47:46

I actually never thought of messaging men myself DoingIt! tbh I don't like chasing after men, and from the ones I've met, a lot of the men doing online dating where I am do expect you to chase after them.

I thought the 46 year old man with that message was very rude. He was a rough looking man. I have single friends in their fifties and they are stunning and interesting, and far too good for him.

I was "speaking" to one guy that attracted me on there, after 3 weeks, still no suggestion to meet up despite strong hints from me. He was lovely; I'm sure he has a girlfriend.

But its just the sheer aggression and roughness of what they write. I mean, initial pms with swearwords? In fact, usernames with swearwords!

Heres one of the more polite and erudite examples:

"Hi there hows you. Im offshore just now working down in Angola. Will be honest from the start here and tell you Im married. I just came on here for a nosey and a bit of crack. I hope I have not offended you. Your probs thinking im some kind of arsehole, but im just looking for the yap nowt else xxx"

the more subtle...

"hey, hows you, nice wee profile, would also like to go on a couple of fun flirty little dates and see how things go, everyone seems to think they can find mr perfect on here and not enjoy themselves and let themselves go a little, any chance you could send pics, can send one back xxxxxxx"

I must have had over 30 along the lines of this one:"Hiiii hows u? Want to *k?xx"

Zilvernblue Tue 02-Apr-13 12:59:23

Sanctimonious there was one overweight but very ordinary looking man whose profile began with the words "I am a tall dark and handsome guy with a big strong fit natural build and a cracking sense of humour".

You know the way your heart just sinks when you see their photo...

There was another who pmd me "looking for a fit female of breeding age". I think it was a joke...

I have a comment about wanting someone of the same educational standard as myself and not writing in textspeak. Most ignore it, though it has attracted a few "Wow, you're up yourself" type comments.

It must definitely be the city I live in. This lot are so desperate, it beggars belief.

ThingummyBob Tue 02-Apr-13 12:59:27

Are you in Leeds op? grin sounds about right if you are!

I think you are going along the wrong lines by hoping that dropping hints will help speed things along. If you want to meet up with someone after a quick online chat then say so grin

Drop any that don't interest you immediately online and make a quick decision after an initial coffee/drink type meet up.

Another tip is to keep a cheapo second phone purely for interweb dating and then the multiple texters won't bother you so much iyswim? I have never done that though and find a short, sharp 'goodbye & good luck' works well!

I'm having a break from online dating at the mo I have enough anecodotal horror stories to keep me going for years as I have a lot on in other areas of my life, but keep sorting the wheat from the chaff quickly and you might end up meeting a few good uns smile

SanctiMOMious Tue 02-Apr-13 13:07:05

That's a good idea about a cheap second phone. im on my phone here so sorry for typos. i wouldnt create a profile on my phone. i think oopsydaisy is right there is a gap in the market for an old fashioned match making agency. i think they do exist but men have to earn over x amount and women have to be under 35. but there needs to be a less sleazy way of meeting a man. i dont want to find a needle in a haystack because i dont want to grow to loathe men. id be a bit afraid that i would end up feeling sickened by men. that what i thought was minority behavioyr was just the norm. accept it or be a prudecin a cardy.

Zilvernblue Tue 02-Apr-13 13:10:15

No, not Leeds ThingummyBob. I'm wondering if anyone will guess where...

The thing is, I don't fancy men who can't ask women out on dates themselves.

SanctiMOMious Tue 02-Apr-13 13:31:55

What's your picture like Zilvernblue? I was naively and optimistically hoping that if my picture showed me as quite wholesome (natural make up) that it would be obvious to the sexchatters to message somebody with false eyelashes pulling a duck face.

SanctiMOMious Tue 02-Apr-13 13:32:36

Ipswitch!

Zilvernblue Tue 02-Apr-13 13:42:58

Nope! Not Ipswich.

I've got a photo of my face with minimal make up (not on a night out), a photo of me in a skirt and jacket outside a shop and a photo of me riding a bike in cycling shorts. I've had all replies from all sorts - I think they're so desperate they email every female on there!

Its POF too - I've been told, and it is true, that here its the only dating site people are on, and that everyone is on it. I tried match.com and its true, theres hardly anyone on it and I got one message in 3 months and hardly any views, compared to the 163 responses on POF and goodness knows how many views!

DoingItForMyself Tue 02-Apr-13 15:28:53

I know POF doesn't get a very good reputation, but I met 4 or 5 perfectly articulate and attractive blokes on there somehow - including my next door neighbour!

My profile was a little bit of waffle, followed by a list of likes (from Krispy Kreme donuts to hairy chests!) and dislikes (including vain gym obsessives, label snobs and text speak "If you can't be arsed to write a full sentence it doesn't bode well for the level of effort you'll put into anything else".)

I think it spelled out exactly the sort of man I was looking for and I rarely had any of those awful messages (was beginning to wonder if there was something wrong with me, as everyone else was getting knob shots all over the place!) but once I hid my profile I felt much more in control of the whole process.

I'm not usually very outgoing either, but I met my DP by just adding him to my favourites, I didn't realise he would get a notification, but he sent me a message saying we shared a lot of the same likes and dislikes and that he'd like to meet me, we met up later that week and been together 6 months now.

DoingItForMyself Tue 02-Apr-13 15:29:47

p.s. hairy chests wasn't one of the shared likes, but luckily he has one!

InNeedOfBrandy Tue 02-Apr-13 15:34:53

I started pof last night, inbox is getting full and am chatting to 7/8 men, I didn't bother waiting around though I have been messaging anyone who has piqued my interest. Going to line up the dates and have a laugh. Did it last summer and had a great time but got slightly bored of showing my best side and being funny and letting someone get to know me. But this time who knows!!

Orchidlady Tue 02-Apr-13 15:39:00

I saw a bloke the other day who said his ideal job was to be a trampoline instructor in an all girls school. Uh what an old perv, I bet the ladies a queing up to get in touch.

SanctiMOMious Tue 02-Apr-13 15:45:37

Good grief. shock Was that on his profile? There is a perv in most schools so some pervs end up with their dream job I guess.

I read the profile of a man who called himself 'sensual' and if his profile mentioned the word once it mentioned it five times. It made me gag. I looked at his profile but didn't contact him (obviously) but he messaged me. he ended up insulting me as well if I remember rightly. Either the 'you're bitter' or 'you're humorless' insult. One of the two. Can't remember.

boyfromipinema Tue 02-Apr-13 15:54:52

I'm a sensual bald beer bellied bloke in his fifties. I love sitting in curled up on the sofa with a dvd as well as going out. One of my favourite pastimes is giggling. Oh, and I also like eating, reading, watching films, travelling, meeting people, breathing...all the usual things.
I'm looking for a woman aged range 16 to 21 who is looking for trampolining lessons.
GSOH a must.

Orchidlady Tue 02-Apr-13 15:54:54

Oh and the lying about the age thing, I just don't know why they do that, so OP not just your town. Saying that I am in touch with a guy who sounds absolutely lovely, looks great ( could be his best mate though) and actually really makes me laugh. Scared shitless but arranged to meet on Thursday

SanctiMOMious Tue 02-Apr-13 16:34:45

ha ha! I could only dream of finding somebody as handsome and fabulous as you boyfromIpanema.

The Sensual one I saw also put that he liked a nice 'hang sanger' and grew his own you know what. Which might not put off some people. But. It reminded me of the last one. Nice guy actually. He had seen a UFO, more than once. In fact, he is doing a thesis on UFOs. 'Snearly finished. Intelligent guy, once, before two decades of weed.

SanctiMOMious Tue 02-Apr-13 16:37:56

and he was the cream of the bunch. I only met a few. I needed to take a break. I've been on a three year break! i need to get back out there. My stories are getting old.

LittleEdie Tue 02-Apr-13 17:09:37

Liverpool?

MadBraLady Tue 02-Apr-13 17:13:37

I was just coming back here to suggest Manchester. grin

OhLori Tue 02-Apr-13 18:58:05

Hilarious, Zilvernstone!

^Heres one of the more polite and erudite examples:

"Hi there hows you. Im offshore just now working down in Angola. Will be honest from the start here and tell you Im married. I just came on here for a nosey and a bit of crack. I hope I have not offended you. Your probs thinking im some kind of arsehole, but im just looking for the yap nowt else xxx"

the more subtle...

"hey, hows you, nice wee profile, would also like to go on a couple of fun flirty little dates and see how things go, everyone seems to think they can find mr perfect on here and not enjoy themselves and let themselves go a little, any chance you could send pics, can send one back xxxxxxx"^

Its a bit shocking isn't it? I mean, I think to myself, once these were normal little boys confused.

Zilvernblue Tue 02-Apr-13 19:50:45

Yes but OhLori there are literally over 50 or 60 pms like that. Its horrific. I feel like I've entered some nightmare parallel universe. Literally every single man over say, 27, seems to have that roughness/aggression/cynicism about them. There are some lovely men here, but they have all been in a steady, happy relationship since the age of 23!

Not Manchester or Liverpool either. Think of a city dominated by one industry, an industry which is male dominated and tends to pay quite high wages to non graduates, not at all requiring good social skills. A city which is quite isolated and far, far away...

MadBraLady Tue 02-Apr-13 19:51:27

Aberdeen?

Zilvernblue Tue 02-Apr-13 19:53:36

boyfromipinema brilliant - you've got it!

You forgot the line about "loving walks along the beach hand in hand" and its technically "cuddling up on the sofa with that special someone, a bottle of wine and a DVD" - I've seen that one in every second profile!

Seriously, though, the giggle-lover was in his late forties. What sort of man lists "giggling" as a hobby?? And then says again in his pm to me that he "likes giggling"???

Spero Tue 02-Apr-13 20:02:44

I once met a man who was seriously into 'tickling' - there is a whole weird culture of tickle fetishes out there, I never knew. Giggle man is probably a subset of this.

Zilvernblue Tue 02-Apr-13 20:54:37

Got it in one, MadBraLady.

SanctiMOMious Tue 02-Apr-13 23:18:52

omg at the reply mocking women for thinking they might actually find somebody. just let yourselves go and have sex on my terms instead.

giesabosie Tue 02-Apr-13 23:50:40

Zilvernblue - I'm in your neck of the woods too. Have been on PoF for a wee while now and had a very similar experience. No-one seems to be be to flirt with subtlety and humour anymore. My heart always sinks when they say "fancy a chat?" because it usually means telling me about their hard on (yawn).

Have you had any lorry drivers yet? I've had a few looking for "company" as they drive round the country.

Zilvernblue Wed 03-Apr-13 00:03:00

Its not just me then giesabosie! I struggle to take it seriously and tend towards ignoring the majority of messages or being sarcastic. I admit I was sarcastic to the one tonight who messaged "Hi hows U. Give us a look at yer pics then and I'll send 1 back". He then told me I "needed to prove myself, as I could be a pervy bearded man". He was a classic.

No lorry drivers yet - I must not appeal to them. Lots of engineers...though as many of them tell me, I must be after their money because they earn so much and most women are and their cars cost them £xxxxx, as did their houses...

11 pms today...3 sounded nice but I probably don't fancy them as I'm still hung up on my ex. The 28 year old sounds really nice, but so young. Messages very long and interesting but will he fade away? Will I? Guitar Man pm-d me at 9.30pm to ask me for a coffee and then for a drink when I pointed out it was unfeasible, I must admit I asked him if he was unaquainted with the ancient art of conversation and introductions, and indeed the world of work in the mornings. He did apologise profusely for creating a bad first impression and I might pm him tomorrow but hes not really doing much for me.

tbh I think my issue with it is that it takes me ages to get used to someone and sending messages to a stranger on the internet and then meeting up with them just seems so forced and unnatural.

VelvetSpoon Wed 03-Apr-13 00:54:56

Unfortunately the vast majority of men doing OD are unsuitable - either not actually single, not looking for any sort of relationship (just ONS, or even just sex talk/naked photos), or with more red flags than the Chinese army! There ARE a few decent ones but they really take some finding!

I probably shouldn't disillusion you only a month in but here goes anyway I am supposedly a good catch - decent job, intelligent, attractive, well presented, no young children etc. I thought I'd meet someone decent fairly quickly. In fact it took me 4 YEARS shock to find anyone I could get beyond a first date with. And that wasn't even me being overly fussy, most of them just didn't want to see me again (with hindsight, they were mostly pretty awful so it is no loss!). I did finally meet someone late last year but we're still only at the dating stage and whether or not a relationship will come of it is anyone's guess!

My experience is by most people's standards pretty shit (I live in the London suburbs so I don't even have a geographical excuse!) but just to say that for most people it does take months of wading through the crap to find a reasonable one, so don't give up (yet)! smile

WildlingPrincess Wed 03-Apr-13 01:03:43

Yes! I was chatting to someone and he told me his only hobby was ' getting stoned lol', then he wondered why I wasn't interested.....

mercury7 Wed 03-Apr-13 01:25:00

just dont engage at all with people who are obviously not on your wavelength unless you're really bored & want to practise being sarcastic

Mosman Wed 03-Apr-13 01:57:06

Oh darling you need to come down under to Perth, 3 men for every woman, I intend to become a right slut lol
Seriously I don't know what to think of online dating, my exH had a profile on ok Cupid whilst I thought all in the garden was Rosie and I pissed my self reading about how good looking he is, profile photo 10 years out of dating - wearing his fucking wedding suit - basically professing to be gods gift to woman kind whilst looking for a bit on the side, you would never have guessed this though.
I'm looking at online dating as a laugh, coffee, bit of flirting but relationships I think will come from friends of friends I think.

ALittleStranger Wed 03-Apr-13 13:18:17

I think a lot of what we call time-wasting in men is actually this too>> "I'm looking at online dating as a laugh, coffee, bit of flirting but relationships I think will come from friends of friends I think."

What's good for the goose etc.

Zilvernblue Wed 03-Apr-13 13:37:23

Oh darling you need to come down under to Perth, 3 men for every woman, I intend to become a right slut lol

Oh its not numbers that's the problem! Its quality. I don't think I'm being too fussy when I expect full literacy, similar education level, and someone I find physically attractive! I'm not even that fussy on the latter - I quite like short men!

Its really horrifying just how many men there are out there that are really arrogant about their appearance yet physically very unattractive. Is it the opposite of some kind of body dysmorphism? And how they "speak" to women is horrible. Using swear words and abbreviations like "yer" for your in their initial messages!

The only decent ones are younger men!

Zilvernblue Wed 03-Apr-13 13:39:00

Unfortunately the vast majority of men doing OD are unsuitable - either not actually single, not looking for any sort of relationship (just ONS, or even just sex talk/naked photos), or with more red flags than the Chinese army! There ARE a few decent ones but they really take some finding!

I'm coming to the conclusion that, in this area at least, most decent men have decided that its better to meet someone in real life, through interests or hobbies or similar. Unfortunately in real life, I keep meeting men with long term girlfriends that they keep secret! (I can spot the "signs" pretty well now).

CastroIsDead Wed 03-Apr-13 21:26:04

zilvern -what are the signs?? only date I've had turned out to have a girlfriend and i didn't have a clue at all

Zilvernblue Wed 03-Apr-13 21:37:41

Limited availability, Castro. Or when you suggest anything that involves meeting them at or near their house. Theres also a slight hesitation thing, and a reluctance to make matters physical at a normal progression - some of them seem to think as long as they don't have sex, its not cheating.

SanctiMOMious Thu 04-Apr-13 01:01:10

and would they put their photos up if they were married? I'd be scared to put up my photo in case somebody I knew saw it, and I'm not married. Slackjawed at the chutzpah of married men putting up photos of themselves on dating websites.

Mosman Thu 04-Apr-13 03:05:45

Mine put up his fucking wedding photo

grin Similar experiences here; I generally get no interest at all on the paid sites and on the free ones I get nauseating messages about my 'amazing' smile from fifty year olds (and I am 32 ...) I gave up on it a year ago, I really don't like online dating. Maybe I'll meet someone in real life (although the genuine lovely guys do get snatched up long before they turn 32 sad) but more than likely I won't.

DoingItForMyself Thu 04-Apr-13 13:57:51

I thought the same thing Porridge, but I'm a lovely genuine woman and I was snatched up in my 20s, didn't stop my stbxh being a total arse and not appreciating what he had with me!

Some people don't bring out the best in each other, so just because someone is single now, it doesn't automatically make them a loser. Plenty of lovely people just may not make lovely couples.

I have no doubt that my new DP put less effort into his previous relationship than he does with me and second time around we're both more aware of the pitfalls.

Don't assume that all the good guys are taken!

CastroIsDead Thu 04-Apr-13 19:41:31

the availability thing wasn't a problem he was working here away from home but texting all weekend so i didn't suspect a girlfriend but the sex thing yes it was the night it was supposed to happen he spilled the beans about his relationship.
reading these threads puts me off trying od

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