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trapped in an ea relationship..no way out..

(95 Posts)
olivia42 Tue 02-Apr-13 08:33:44

this is my first post.ive been reading other posts and getting strength from them.i dont have anyone to talk to ill try not to be too long winded
im on my 2nd marriage dh,10years together 3 years married.i have 3 children 1 last one his.he is on his 2nd marriage too has ds from 1st marriage.he was a
always difficult,realised after a few years of being completely in the dark about this type of behaviour that i was being completely controlled by him.
if i went out on my own silence for days if i disagreed with him in any way told i was not normal and mentallly unwell.got pregnant 4 years ago had child.dh told me he didnt want it(we wernt married at the time and not living together) if i didnt have an abortion he would leave me whch he did for a short time. i refused and he eventually came back.(he offered to pay half for the abortion by the way once i didnt go in on a wednesday which is his access day for his ds from 1st marriage)..
he did up his own house and we moved in there away fom my house and family. the abuse escalated,days of silent treatment telling me i was no use to him i was weak and a moron.the first day out of hospital after coming home from hospital after ceasaian section to give birth to our ds,he left me with 4 kids (including his my step son)and told me to get on with it.he moved into the spare room and stayed there,i left after 3months with my 3 kids.he persuaded me to come back which i did for another year of torture when vieventually i got a barring order against him(the day before our marriage he beat me round the house in front of the kids).
but im back again the twat i am.he just worked on me day and night telling me our future was with him and id ruined thekids future by leaving.of course now im back its worse.im 'mental',a nut job, a weirdo, an unfit mother , and a cun.constantly,i found a will that he has made a month ago leaving all to his 2 kids and leaving me £100!
i used to run a home an au pair have a good job well educated lots of freinds and family support before i met him.i have none of this now.family and freinds hate him so no support there.i also manged my finances ok.i now have £14 in my purse to last 10 days.he has £140 k in his bank account alone according to a bank staement i found..sorry i could go on forever..v long winded...theres so much..im simply trapped here and wondering how do i put in the next 10 years till the kids have left and i can go...

olivia42 Tue 02-Apr-13 08:36:10

sorry about typos and sounding all over the place just terrified he'll come in and catch me

fusspot66 Tue 02-Apr-13 08:45:14

I'll hold your hand till wiser people than.me come along to advise, but you really are not trapped. You could ring Woman's Aid. This man has deliberately worn you down. This is not your fault!

fusspot66 Tue 02-Apr-13 08:47:37

P.s beatings are physical abuse and even emotional abuse is recognised as domestic violence re legal aid entitlementand financial abuse too

Willow36 Tue 02-Apr-13 08:49:05

You're not trapped. No one is ever trapped.

Contact Womans Aid. If your friends and family hate him then of course they'll be there to support you. It's hard to ask for the support, but it's going to be even harder to stay with this man.

You've left before, you can leave again but this time don't go back. You can do it. He's a cunt, you know this. Your children will be so much better off away from him too.

xxx

fusspot66 Tue 02-Apr-13 08:49:10

My posts a bit messy. On phone too . But i sense your panic. Keep calm. You've reached out for help and it's on its way.

You are not trapped.

You can get out of this, and you will too.

You have left him before, so you know you can do it, you just need to leave and not come back.

Call Women's Aid.

Your kids don't need him in their life. You can be strong again.

It will be alright once you leave him.

It's time for you to leave again.

Maybe this time we can stop you going back and get some of that 140k. If you do decide or feel able to leave make sure you take his bank statements with you.

fusspot66 Tue 02-Apr-13 09:03:31

0808 2000 247
This is the number for Woman's Aid.

olivia42 Tue 02-Apr-13 09:05:29

i dont have any money ive moved my kids out of school twice with the coming and going they like living here in the town we are in.he is all sweetness and light and i can have everything i want once i toe the line and behave in a way that he thinks is appropriate to him.i am now the typeof person who checks his emails and goes around the house looking for stuff to find out what hes at.hes so secretive about everything and lies to me constantly.when i challenge him on this he tells me im a nut job and that im depressed and mentally unwell that im an unfit mother.yesterday he went off the wall cause he found a bank statement i had oened for him( i did open it to my shame)
he told me i was a cunt repaetedly a fat cunt(im actually not overweight) and i was badly bred by my cunt of a mother who he hates the feelings mutual.he just kept shouting weak cunt over and over again.
i know i sound very negative but i feel ive made my bed and i have to lie on it.i came back after a court case to get rid of him and i thnk ive exhausted my support network.
i keep thinking i can do this if i just keep my head down and go with the flow.he thinks there is nothing wrong with us its my fault for complaining and being in and out of depression.if i pulled myself together all would be ok..

olivia42 Tue 02-Apr-13 09:14:57

have to go hes back thanks for the messages its nice to know someone out there doesnt think im imagining all this be back later

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 02-Apr-13 09:16:06

The depression is down to living with him. I was depressed, even had bi-polar diagnosis. My depression lifted the day my solicitor sent off the divorce petition. (OK twas replaced by stress, but that is different).

It went so completely that my psych discharged me and told me I actually looked happy.

I didn't even realise my Ex was emotionally, verbally and financially abusive till I started reading MN. I kept my head down and went with the flow, for the last 2 decades of my marriage. I hate to think of others doing the same sad

Have a look on the EA thread where you will find much support and understanding, from people who understand that so often it is not so straightforward to just 'LTB'

HollaAtMeBaby Tue 02-Apr-13 09:21:04

Can your mum help you leave? Please call women's aid. sad

Mosschops30 Tue 02-Apr-13 09:22:14

Please please please call women's aid, they can put you all somewhere safe.
Do you want your children to grow up and think this behaviour is normal? Do you want their relationships to be like this?

Please get out xx

fusspot66 Tue 02-Apr-13 09:27:30

I doubt your support network is exhausted. He has convinced you that you are worthless but he is wrong. Strangers on mumsnet care about you. How dare he treat you like that. He is a c**t. I can't bring myself to write the word. But you know what he is!

Mosschops30 Tue 02-Apr-13 09:39:26

I'll write it for you fuss

HE IS A CUNT!!!!!!

You are not, you are a strong woman and he knows this which is why he's beating you down. He knows you are worth so much more

Spiritedwolf Tue 02-Apr-13 09:43:04

You have been so ground down by him its not surprising that you have it backwards:

You don't need to stay with him for the children.

For the children you need to get the support you need to leave as soon as you can.

You haven't "made your bed" you've already spent too many of your precious years with this abusive man, no need yo sentence yourself to another ten in his prison.

You and your children deserve better. Please calll womens aid and tell them what you've told us. It is possible to leave for goood and they can help.

Your children will be more damaged by staying another ten years than by the distruption of getting out. This isnt a normal happpy childhood. They will see his behaviour as normal and will either inflict it upon others or accept it from others. You want better for them.

Definately try and get a photocopy of that bank statement for when you divorce, though dont put yourself at risk.

olivia42 Tue 02-Apr-13 17:44:34

thanks for the messages.
i dont think i have the strength at the moment to go.
he came back today asked me did i want a cup of tea and was there anything wrong at the moment!!its like it never happened,
he told me i was in a deep hole and it was my fault i wasnt pulling my weight and that i coudnt cope with anything.
i still work 2 days a week and have just been offered a promotion.im in the middle of a masters programme and have organised a play date for my children tommorow.surely if i was depredded i wouldnt be able to do this.i can cope with all areas in my life exccept him his horrible family and his even more horrible interfereing ex wife..sorry for rambling i just need to get this off my chest,,i cant talk to anyone because it would be admitting they were right and i did make a mistake going back..

olivia42 Tue 02-Apr-13 17:45:23

sorry im mean depressed not depredded!typo

olivia42 Tue 02-Apr-13 17:46:51

i also feel that if i go he will torture me for the rest of my life and poison my ds against me.he has told me he would do that

MadBraLady Tue 02-Apr-13 18:00:09

i still work 2 days a week and have just been offered a promotion.im in the middle of a masters programme and have organised a play date for my children tommorow.surely if i was depredded i wouldnt be able to do this

You're absolutely right. Don't believe the "weak" image he's laughably trying to foist on you. I don't know how you're holding up under his abuse, but you are, and that is really impressive.

You don't have to go from sitting here typing now to divorcing by tomorrow breakfast time. smile You can take one step at a time, as much as you can cope with and no more.

Don't worry about his bullshit regarding your DS either. Your DS is not a toy to be played with (though that's probably how your husband sees him). He will most likely do what any normal child would do - stick close to the healthy, caring parent who isn't a controlling abuser.

MadBraLady Tue 02-Apr-13 18:04:23

And yes, you're going to have to admit to people that you made a mistake, I'm afraid. But it's the price of freedom from him, and isn't it worth it?

Anyway, if you were my daughter/sister/friend in that situation I wouldn't care about getting you to admit I was right, I'd be falling over myself to help you.

baskingseals Tue 02-Apr-13 18:20:59

olivia - please stop blaming yourself. he is doing this, not you.
you are fine and lovely. is there anybody you can talk to in real life? is your Mum a support?

you will find a way through this.
xx

olivia42 Tue 02-Apr-13 18:24:38

you know i know what hes doing and i cant seem to do anything about it anymore.i have no self confidence or self esteem.i feel i cant have a conversation with someone who knows us because i think they see a moron in front of them especially when hes there because i know hes watching and listening to me and im afraid ill say something wrong,that ill let myself down so i end up saying nothing and looking like a moron im sure.
he tells me constantly that hes building my self confidence that i look great if only i toned up a bit more,that even though im doing well at work that its not really relevent considering the 'pin money' im earning.this pays for food kids etc.when i told him i was doing a masters after listening to telling me for years that i was not 'utilising my brain' he said maybe thats not wise as i mightnt be able to keep up with the housework/kids/ and the unspoken thing 'his needs first'.Jesus i cant believe im writing this.i used to be independant outgoing relaxed. i have savage anxiety all the time made worse i know by half a sleeping tab at night or a couple of glasses of wine..i know not a good idea and a poor coping mechanism..im giving myself advice now!
im not allowed to drink so im hiding bottles in the house and feel like a total alcho even though i would never meet the unit limit in a week..what is wrong with me???

baskingseals Tue 02-Apr-13 18:29:10

olivia find that voice inside yourself. don't listen to him. put your fingers in your ears. i have done that before now.

find YOUR voice. you have a right to be the person you are. to feel what you feel. it is okay to be you.

deep breaths.

SanctiMOMious Tue 02-Apr-13 18:33:47

oh your poor thing. YOu haven't MADE this bed. You don't have to lie in it.

If your bed was too hot,you'd throw off the blanket right?

Look, you are so miserable that no matter what happens next it couldn't be worse than staying with him. Please go to a refuge. They are not the horrifying places I used to think they were. I wish I had gone to one. I left my x with a bag on my back and two small kids, but it took me a long time to work up to it. I really wish I had had more faith that refuges were for people like me. It was only after I left that I realised how precisely and exactly they were for people like me, but for some reason I'd had it in my head that they were for some other type of person.

Tune him out. And practise your positive affirmations.

"the truth about me is that I'm strong, clever and good". Repeat it and repeat it and repeat it.

SanctiMOMious Tue 02-Apr-13 18:35:42

ps, don't waste ten years waiting for your children to grow up. Please don't.

If you go to a refuge, although it may seem 'dramatic' and that was my fear (why I was so afraid of that I don't know) they will link you into services and help you fill in forms and so on, there will be help to get you to the next stage.

izzyizin Tue 02-Apr-13 18:59:26

There's nothing wrong with you that leaving the abusive twunt who's trodden you into the ground won't fix.

i also feel that if i go he will torture me for the rest of my life and poison my ds against me. he has told me he would do that

You're looking at this from the wrong angle, aren't you? While you continue to live with him, you're available for him to torture 24/7. If you're not living with him, how's he going to be able to torture you?

As for poisoning your ds against you, if you stay with this twunt there's a good chance your ds will grow up to be exactly like him but, if not, he'll come to despise you for a childhood blighted by his dysfunctional parents that will have left him with issues which can only be resolved by intensive and/or prolonged psychotherapuetic input.

You've left him twice and each time you allowed yourself to be suckered back by a combination of his false promises and your craving/addiction/dependence on something you believe that only he can provide - what would that be? Has he, in the words of the esteemed AF, got a golden dick? Or do you find it more comfortable to fail than succeed?

MadBraLady Tue 02-Apr-13 19:20:18

Honestly, I think your confidence/self-esteem/anxiety/sleeping problems would start to clear up within days of leaving this nasty, undermining arsehole. You're living with an emotional abuser and you're still managing to get promotions at work and do a Masters degree?? That's so impressive. Even his twuntery is (so far) failing to completely grind you down.

You've just described for yourself how he undermines you in everything you do - even having a conversation with other people. Fearing that others see you as a moron, that's not you experiencing "self-doubt", that's him making you feel like you're a moron because you know he'll call you one at the slightest provocation - or no provocation.

Please plan your exit, however embarrassed you are. This is no way to live.

sleeton Tue 02-Apr-13 19:41:42

You are getting lots of good advice on here, olivia42 I just wanted to join in and add my support and good wishes. I am rooting for you. Please leave him .... call Woman's Aid.

macdoodle Tue 02-Apr-13 19:58:23

sad this was me 10 years ago, so awful
I had/have a good job, I am a professional, fine at work, fine with other people.
And my XH wore me down, called me a cunt a fat cunt (WTF is it with these men), useless, worthless etc for so long that I did believe it.
You can get out, you must
The wonderful women on here helped me, some of who will remain lifelong friends.
Please read this book http://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656 it became my bible, until I passed it on to someone who needed it more
CALL womans aid, I didnt for a very long time, but when I did they were utterly marvellous
This WILL be the very hardest thing you've ever done, but you can do and your life will be so much better

macdoodle Tue 02-Apr-13 19:59:06
Milly22 Tue 02-Apr-13 19:59:28

Agree with other comments posted, but also if he's careless enough to leave statements about, take them or get somebody to photocopy them for you. You need to get as much evidence as possible for a solicitor so that he has to support you in separation/divorce. Even though I'm divorcing H on friendly terms, I didn't take any risks and got into his safe and cabinets on a day off work and photocopied his pension statements, savings books and everything needed for my solicitor. When I took them in to the office, my Solicitor had a small grin on his face. You really need to get into survival mode for you and dc to get through all this. Next time he lays a hand on you should go straight to the police. Please do what's right and overcome this evil man. Letting children grow up in this environment usually screws them up as adults and scar them for life unless you change the situation. There said my bit, please be stong!

macdoodle Tue 02-Apr-13 19:59:34
olivia42 Wed 03-Apr-13 00:01:56

thank you for your messages of support its so good to be able just to write this down although i keep thinking im not neing fair to him that his side of the story would be different.im trying to be objective.i do get down.i do feel worse the next day if ive had a couple glasses of wine.before i left the last time i was under a psych.he said it was pnd but it was pure stress of livivng with him,he kepdt ringing the psych asking to speak to her to run me down to her.she said form day one i was in a reactive depression caused by the stress of being with him and that from the conversations she had with him that he was a psycho,then apologised for being unproffessional.i stilll went back.i feel like the 'non person' he said i was.he is so charming and charismatic outdie the house a classic case of street angel and house devil.is this really sad that i know all this yet am still here.and after hime calling me a c**t repeatedly 2 days ago and leaving a road map of bruises on my arms he asks me today is everything ok and whats for dinner...and if only i would trust him and realise what a great person he was all would bo ok..

olivia42 Wed 03-Apr-13 00:03:20

sorry about the typos im typing fast im paranoid he'll catch me

olivia42 Wed 03-Apr-13 00:07:59

by the way the first time i left when our ds was 3 mths old he went on a russian brides r us site and went over to russia to 'meet' a russian woman for 2 weeks..when i came back to him not knowing this he asked me to look for a work related photo on his computer to email to a business collegue and i found all the pics of them together..i died a death.. he said he had forgotten to delete them but i think he wanted me to find them..i didnt even know he ha done it..im sorry for ranting on but just writing this is making me realise this is so abnormal...

SanctiMOMious Wed 03-Apr-13 00:09:00

maybe his side of the story would be different but you are entitled to have your own perspective and you are entitled to feel. What do you feel? UNHAPPY? Your chance of contentment in this life shouldn't be offered up at the altar of his convenience. 7 years ago I was where you are now. It was tough and he didn't accept it quickly but the drama died down and I'm free now. My x was a street angel too. I got the temper and the insults.

SanctiMOMious Wed 03-Apr-13 00:09:58

Repeat

The truth about me is that I'm competent, capable and clever.

PLEASE. I am so happy I'm free, but I'm STILL working on my self-esteem years after having left him.

olivia42 Wed 03-Apr-13 00:15:02

im sorry im on a roll the last time i left and got a barring order my solicitor a nice woman in her 50's a very well recommended and respected family law solicitor said in all her years of practice she had never encountered anything like him that he was completely off the wall trying to remove my kids from me etc even though there was no way he would succeed out of pure malice and spite...and there you go...still here..a supposedly strong well educated respectable, used to be attractive, competant,educated,well liked woman who could take on anything..one single minded fucked up man and im reduced to nothing...

SanctiMOMious Wed 03-Apr-13 00:31:58

you're only nothign while you stay with him. And it's amazing what you achieve even WITH him. You're doing a masters did you say? and you work part time!! You are definitely not nothing. despite having a soul crushing size 13 boot on your soul and an albatross around your neck you're achieving a lot there.

If you weren't using up so much energy DEALING with him, everything else would seem easier, would be easier. I know that. I left and went back once too. I think that's 'normal'. The second time I left though, I knew without a doubt that i would never go back.

You can leave. You should. It might be a messy few months, but it is WORTH it. you knwo that. take a DEEP BREATH. sTEEL YOURSELF. you can do it. You know you can, you did it once before.

It always amazes me how these wretched bullyboy types go for strong women, clever women, women who are socially skilled and who have emotional intelligence. I think it is a bloodier sport to destroy somebody with spirit and intellgience.

You are not nothing. YOu are just one DEEP BREATH AWAY from getting the old you back.

olivia42 Wed 03-Apr-13 00:32:36

hi izzyizin.. he definatly doesnt have a golden dick!.of course he thinks he does..i cant even look at him let alone sleep with him. .. at least you made me laugh...

olivia42 Wed 03-Apr-13 00:37:11

thanks sanctimonious..its so refreshing and unbelieveable to hear this i thought i was the only person who felt like this..i think hes getting up..il post tommorow..

minkembra Wed 03-Apr-13 00:53:01

oliviaif you feel up to it come over to the EA support thread lots of good links there to useful reading and a warm welcome. And you will find no one will judge you or think you an idiot for going back. it is hard to leave but in the long run harder to stay.

When you are ready you will go and until then we r here for you.

And WA are here for you. no matter how many times you need to reach out to them they are there.

And the law is there for you too. that is not his money it is a joint asset.

When he calls you a cunt remember that says far far more about him than it has ever said about you. you need to stop listening to him. he is talking out if his arse. Like all abusers he is trying to lay the things on you that he most dislikes about himself. he is the one with the problems. i know it is really hard not to be wounded when someone treats you do badly but if himyou can work on detaching and ignoring. he is not worth listening to.

(((hugs)))

Hissy Wed 03-Apr-13 02:09:20

I can only echo what has been said here.

You are not trapped, getting out is actually easier than a lifetime of the life you live now.

Sweety, you are not DEpressed. When you are free, you will heal.we will help you.

Hissy Wed 03-Apr-13 02:10:37

Sorry, phone had a 'moment'

Meant to say that you are Oppressed not DEpressed.

MadBraLady Wed 03-Apr-13 07:49:34

I've no doubt his side of the story would be different. And it would be bollocks. smile He can't finesse away what you've told us here, there just aren't many ways to repeatedly verbally abuse someone or leave a patchwork of bruises on them that are defensible. Basically, he's just a nasty, fucked-up idiot and we wouldn't listen to any bullshit he spouted anyway.

It's interesting to hear about all the professionals you've dealt with who saw straight through him, despite his "charm". Doesn't that show you just how readily people will take your side and help you, if you let them?

Keep posting. You WILL find the strength to leave, and stay away, a bit at a time.

olivia42 Wed 03-Apr-13 08:44:13

thanks ma bra lady i cant believe how much better i feel just posting.i often dipped in and out of mn never joined or posted just read the threads.its good to hear a diffenerent voice and not just the one going around in my head constantly saying dont panic keep going.the guilt i feel about my dc is beyond crushing.not just the bad choices ive made but the hours days weeks spent worrying about this and trying to be all things to him trting to please him and do what he wants to do.waiting for hm to giv me a signal to say all is ok..im embarrassed reading this about myself..i think he realises at times hes over the top..one night he cought me outside having an illicit fag..another habit ive gone back to periodically..he locked me out of the house telling me i was a weak drug addict for smoking and that he wasnt going to stay with a wizened old hag!he let me in after about 20mins.i now always leave a window ajar and take the keys with me the nights i step outside for a fag.when we were going out first we were out in a night out with friends.i smoked then (gaveup for him hence the secret smoking)he said to me dont go for another one toward the end of the night i didnt really take any notice of what he said.he was fine in pub as soon as we got into the car his mood changed ' i told you not to smoke anymore' he went silent with rage and at home made me shower and got into bed and refused to speak to me for 3 days..Jesus..i apologised..

izzyizin Wed 03-Apr-13 09:04:58

So he does have a golden dick. Why else would you try to be all things to him, try to please him and do what he wants to do? Why else would you apologise for having a fag - your lungs, your health, your choice - to an obviously abusive twunt?

You're not some feeble minded weakling who believes this twunt is your 'soul mate' and that somewhere, deep inside, he really loves you, are you? Surely you've not sacrificed for dc on the altar of your delusion that this odious man gives a flying fuck for your happiness or theirs?

Trapped in an EA relationship with no way out? As long as the house you live in with your abuser has a door to the outside world, I think not.

What's stopping you leaving him? Your pride? Or your longing for what's between his legs? Because it sure as hell can't be your longing for what's between his ears.

izzyizin Wed 03-Apr-13 09:07:02

Second sentence of second paragraph should read 'Surely you've not sacrificed your dc...' not 'for dc'.

Norem Wed 03-Apr-13 09:33:22

Olivia my sister was married to a man like your husband, he was cruel and foul mouthed to her and the kids and really really sapped her confidence.
Eventually she left and has now got her own sucessfull business and remarried to a really lovely man who is the polar opposite of her ex.
I just want you to know that there is another life for you and your children.
A happy life where you and your children feel safe and happy in your own home.
A life where you will laugh at your mistakes instead of fearing his reaction.
A life where your children will blossom and amaze you with their capabilities.
I life where you will feel proud of what you have achieved.
Good luck with your journey, I have seen mumsnet carry women along of this journey, jump on the train and allow yourself to be carried.

minkembra Wed 03-Apr-13 10:28:58

Norem smile jump on the train. good image.
also I always love to hear of those who have escaped abusive relationships and found someone who is the polar opposite. I keep my fingers crossed. I am glad for your sister.

TranceDaemon Wed 03-Apr-13 12:00:16

Olivia you are sounding clearer each time you post, keep talking, keep reaching out. All the guilt and anxiety you feel - its all him. You are so much stronger than you think, he hates that you are better than him, so he tries to grind you down.

There IS a way out, there's always a way out. Pick up the phone today, now if you can and ring Women's Aid. Make a decision in your head to start to find the way out. Imagine your life without this shit. Imagine feeling safe in your own home. Imagine the freedom, the peace, the calm.

YOU CAN DO THIS!

Take baby steps, one thing at a time. Make plans, believe in yourself. Assume everything he says is a lie. Because it is! He is an abuser. A normal man would never treat you like that.

We believe in you and there is support out there. Take back the control a piece at a time and start by listening to your truth, your mind.

I will be sending you all my strength as we all will. You have us behind you and you will get out, you CAN get out.

Pleasehelpdontknowwhattodo Wed 03-Apr-13 12:13:31

olivia it's fantastic that you realise that what he's doing is abuse. Please carry on posting when you can and please call Womens Aid - they are so helpful. I didn't realise EA was something the police could help with until I spoke to Women's Aid yesterday. You can speak or even meet with someone local who can just listen it give legal and other advice.

What you are going through is emotional, financial and physical abuse.

Please call them - can you use a college day as cover to speak to women's aid and get some stuff sorted?

It's a big step posting here - please carry on but make sure your stuff is password protected and you H doesn't see this thread.

You should be so proud of yourself.

cjel Wed 03-Apr-13 20:05:16

I am feeling excited for you that you have taken the brave step of finally talking about this .I hope you realise that you have all new friends here who will hold your hand. I would urge you to be brave again and take the next step of telling someone in real life. Womens aid, someone at work, a doctor or your family. they haven't turned their backs on you just him. They are probably longing to help you. Keep taking small steps to your new life. I slept 8hrs for the first time in years the first night I left mine and finished college.xxx

FarBetterNow Wed 03-Apr-13 20:44:51

i cant talk to anyone because it would be admitting they were right and i did make a mistake going back

Olivia, it really doesn't matter if you have to admit you were wrong to go back to him.

You will get the strength and support from these good women to leave again and to never go back.

Best wishes to you.

cjel Wed 03-Apr-13 20:49:13

admitting a mistake has got to be worth ending your fear?

SanctiMOMious Wed 03-Apr-13 23:24:01

olivia42 when you say "i can't talk to anyone because it would be admitting that they were right and i did make a mistake going back" I totally understand this. I did dread telling people, but they were all to a WOMAN nothing but supportive. There was absolutely no "I told you so". Not even a drop of it. I felt this palpable wave of relief coming towards me from the friends I'd dreaded telling. And as for neighbours and his acquaintances, ha, they matter so little to me now I can't believe I ever gave a fekk what they might think. Hard to believe I agonised over leaving (amongst many other reasons) partly because of what his family and acquaintances woudl be told.

Even if you made a mistake, don't make it again every day. I had people saying to me "oh i wish my cousin/sister/niece/best friend would leave so and so'.

Pleasehelpdontknowwhattodo Wed 03-Apr-13 23:34:15

And keep coming back here to talk olivia whatever you do right now - but in your head just make a plan - start putting aside a little bit of money - a pound, a fiver just anything - hide it away.

Start calling friends and family. You don't have to say anything immediately but just start building contacts up again. Good luck and we are all here for you.

olivia42 Thu 04-Apr-13 18:01:47

thanks for all your messages.its definatly giving me strength.ive just come in form work and hes taken my car to go out for a few hours. even though he has several work vehices and a car of his own to drive.i told him i wanted to go out to the shops i dont but i hate being left without a car we are in the country and he asked what did i want in the shops and why did i need to go out.i said i just wanted to take the kids to the playground,he said they were out today already and left so im carlesss and stuck in the house now for the evening.his car sitting there and locked he has the keys...

olivia42 Thu 04-Apr-13 18:02:29

sorry i mean car-less

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 04-Apr-13 18:03:14

And if you have an emergency with DCs and need to drive?

Selfish FW (fuckwit - see EA thread)

olivia42 Thu 04-Apr-13 18:04:08

ssoory but i just have to write this down.he told me at the weekend he had people watching me.i was outside and i saw the neightbour a horribe old fucker coming out of his house and staring over at me am i just completely paranoid at this stage..

izzyizin Thu 04-Apr-13 18:25:10

The only person who's sounding paranoid here is him but he's out - you've got time and space to call your own so why aren't you calling Women's Aid www.womensaid.org.uk and beginning the process of extricating yourself from this madness once again?

I'm a great believer in the power of three, the trinity. Why not resolve that it's going to be third time lucky for you and there'll be no going back?

olivia42 Thu 04-Apr-13 18:47:26

thanks iszzyin just having someone out there whos listening is great. i left before twice and i cant see how its an option again.i know i sound so pathetic and the me i used to be would read this and think what an idiot this woman is! he now has complete control over finances and he knows i have no money now and i think hes pretty confident whatever he does i wont go.the crazy thing is once im doing things 'right' and responding te right way hes all sweetnes and light.of course after his rant and rave and throwing me round the house at the weekend the anger is gone out of him yet hes still a bit cross because he cant understand why im not rolling over now because hes decided to forgive me and the fight is over why im not more loving or warm and of course why i wont sleep with him.he wont make a move hell expect me to.i simply cant.i cant even look at him.im putting all my energies into trying to appear normal except i fcked up this evening by questioning him taking my car.if i dont roll over soon hell get mad again and tel me im depessed and he cant communicate with me.this is crazy all of it

olivia42 Thu 04-Apr-13 18:50:06

can i just say in case you all think i am 'difficult' and 'mad' i rang my ex huband finally who lives in a different country to ask him am i all the things he says i was.we separated very amicably.he was appalled and said he coudnt believe what was coming out of my mouth..that i was never that person..

SanctiMOMious Thu 04-Apr-13 19:09:58

Never for a moment thought it was YOU. brew

cjel Thu 04-Apr-13 19:33:59

So glad you've had confirmation from someone that you trust (EXH) that you are not what H is telling you. Hope the more you hear us say that not the real you the more you will get the strength to leave. it really is you only option Olivia. You could leave 100 times and it would still be ok to leave 101 times. Never think you can't . there are so many of us here who have done it and long for you to do the same and taste real life. Just because yo think he controls finances he really doesn't. Womans aid and our laws in this country will support you. JUST BECAUSE HE SAYS IT DOESN'T MEAN ITS TRUE!!! Believe in yourself and trust us if you don't trust yourself yet.xxx

izzyizin Thu 04-Apr-13 19:57:06

O come on, honey. Don't make me get cross with you hmm

You've done it twice and you can damn well do it again. WA regularly welcome recidivists back into the fold and, although the arrogant abusive twunt may control the finances at the moment, a half decent lawyer can easily prise his sticky mitts off whatever share of jointly held assets is rightfully yours.

FGS think of your dc and put an end to this torment NOW.

cjel Thu 04-Apr-13 20:09:32

ooh izzy! Was thinking that but don't want to scare OP off!! well done.
Be really strong and just make a call and see what they say, you don't have to do what they say?

cjel Thu 04-Apr-13 20:11:04

ooh izzy! Was thinking that but don't want to scare OP off!! well done.
Be really strong and just make a call and see what they say, you don't have to do what they say?

Pleasehelpdontknowwhattodo Thu 04-Apr-13 20:18:11

Please call women's aid Olivia - it's good he's out if the house - use this thread to write everything you can think of so you can show it to a solicitor.

Use the support you have - no one judges you and no one thinks its you at all. Sending you love and strength right now.

MadBraLady Thu 04-Apr-13 21:34:00

i left before twice and i cant see how its an option again.

On the contrary, it is your only option. You're going through a cycle - read back and see how yesterday you were getting clearer in your mind with each post, and today you're back to being fearful of behaving wrongly, prompting some terrible reaction from him? You're still a lot more aware, mind, because you're questioning things he says, but you need to get away from this dangerous arsehole.

This is your life until you pick up the phone and ask for help. This is your way OUT of the anxiety and social embarrassment that is stopping you making the call.

SanctiMOMious Fri 05-Apr-13 10:41:52

Olivia, the time I left I was hoping to change him, hoping to make him SEE, hoping ....god knows what. But by the time I left for good, I knew it was hopeless, I'd no optimism left, so the second time I left physically, it was in reality the first REAL 'leaving'. you have to be ready. Now you're ready.

olivia42 Fri 05-Apr-13 17:11:51

im not sure if i am ready this has been going on so long im not sure ill ever be.the upheaval is massive for the kids and i have absolutley no money whatsoever.i do know though at this stage im past trying to chane him and make him see my pov because i know he just wont and cant,he so firmly believed hes in the right and its my problem.i have started trying to put a couple of pound away.its only pittance but at least its a start.hes very cool with me lascouple of days because hes has his rant and he thinks the argueing is over becuase he says so and is contrary because im not rowing in and basically sleeping with him again.in the past i would of given in i just cant do it anymore.its hard to feel attractive when your told your a fat c**t and he doesnt care about me anymore..im just supposed to forget about that immediatly and move on.its difficult to keep doing that

mistlethrush Fri 05-Apr-13 17:28:35

Have you still got the bruises? If so, go to the police.

You can leave again - you've done it twice before - the only thing is that this time you'll just have to stay away and have a nice life with your lovely children.

cjel Fri 05-Apr-13 17:50:19

Your dcs have massive upheavel every time they have to hear and watch how you are treated. You are living in fear in an adult mind they are tiny trying to not live in fear. I don't want to make you feel bad but you are not doing the best for them They deserve an upheavel that will keep them safe.
Money is a silly reason to stay. He is not telling you the truth. Good solicitors will soon get you money. You are not listening but please understand that you are wrong. You are not the only person to have lived like this. He is not the only man to have twisted the truth. Believe those of us that have been there - Yes EXACTLY where you are now. Life on the other side is good safe and happy. Please get help in real life.

izzyizin Fri 05-Apr-13 18:26:48

im not sure if i am ready this has been going on so long im not sure ill ever be

Unless you take affirmative action to stop the rot and get out of the rut of ordering your life/your responses to suit him, you never will be ready.

Every day you delay is another day your dc are edging closer to despising you for subjecting them and yourself to the vagaries of an abusive twunt who doesn't give a fuck about anything or anyone except himself.

Chubfuddler Fri 05-Apr-13 19:05:39

So you made a mistake. You did they women are conditioned to go, you tried to see the best in him, you believed him, you forgave him. That he turned and shat all over your kindness, love and empathy says far far more about him than you. It was a noble mistake you made, and an understandable one.

For the love of god, don't compound that mistake every day for the rest of your life by staying. Admit your error. Tell the people who helped you before "I was wrong. I am satisfied that I have done everything and more that anyone could ever have expected me to do to make this marriage work. It cannot work. He is broken and it is not my job to fix him".

Tell yourself that too, now. I am told the "why does he do that?" book is great but I feel it's title is unhelpful. It doesnt matter why he does that, whatever that is in the case of your particular brand of cunt. Trying to understand men like this is a headfuck that keeps you trapped.

AnyFucker Fri 05-Apr-13 19:54:35

Indeed, chub

A more unwieldy but accurate title for that book should be "He does that, but it doesn't matter why, all I know is it's not acceptable"

OP, You deserve to be happy and live in peace with your children. Your H sounds like a right evil bastard. My XP was just like him, iv lost count of the times iv been called a cunt. It cut me like a knife every time. I felt humiliated and disgusted with him.
He used to control what I wore and check how many miles id driven in the car. He was violent towards me, while pregnant too, but what destroyed me most was the mind games.
You can break free OP there are ladies (and gents) on here that feel your pain and understand because they have been here.
I left XP the day he threatened to throw boiling water over me. Iv not shed a tear. He is a pathetic inadequate piece of work.
Please start making your exit plan, you know its for the best.
How the fuck dare he grind you down to this level, the utter bastard.
I bet you are really hard working, intelligent and attractive.
He has conditioned you to question yourself sad angry

olivia42 Fri 05-Apr-13 20:01:58

chubfuddler know you are right and i know this is never going to last.he is ignoring my ds x2 the last 2 weeks they get father of the year from him once im being the dutiful wife.my sil has just rang to tell me he has gone out with my bil and my ss to dinner i was told he was working.we are being ostracised at the moment because im not playing ball.he has told his ds my dss not to tell me what they are doing when they are not with me.this poor child is 9 and is afraid to open his mouth here in case he lets something out.his ex wife compounds this.they are now freinds since the last time i left,she never got over the fact that he left her and is delighted they are now amicable after ten years of hating eachother,their common bond anililating me the last time i left him.im going mn its just a matter of time..

Chubfuddler Fri 05-Apr-13 20:09:19

What steps do you need to complete?

Seriously, there are like to haves and need to haves. The needs are very very few. I left with what I could bundle into the back of a very small fiat. OK he did turn remarkably reasonable later and I now have 1/2 our furniture and for the time being maintenance coming in. We will see how long that lasts.

So what needs to be done op? What's on your list and how long will it take?

izzyizin Fri 05-Apr-13 20:10:36

this poor child is 9 and is afraid to open his mouth here in case he lets something out

By staying you are effectively being complicit in the emotional abuse of his ds as well as your dc.

Don't leave it too long to get your act together... in fact, why don't you simply pack up and go to a refuge while he's out tonight?

olivia42 Fri 05-Apr-13 20:17:08

maid marion you have no idea.i used to be social hard working happy with my lot.my xh was usless as a father but never aggressive or abusive we just grew apart.i have no animosity towards him.he is appalled by whats happening to us.his brand of abuse is calculated htough he tells me im fantastic when im doing what he thinks is right .if i bring up something he doesnt like or broacha subject he wont like he tells me im crazy that he is a sound steady guy and i am menta.i was under a psych 2 years ago who told me catagorically i was with an ea and my problems would never end as long as i was with him.she offered to go to court for me.a consultant who doesnt do that in fl cases as she would always be in court but felt so strongly about this that she would take the day off to do this.and i still went back.you have no idea of the controlling psycopathic nut job im dealing with.the most charming man youd ever meet in public.the day in court the barring order was heard he sat there reading a library book and organised a night out loudly on the phone.....

Chubfuddler Fri 05-Apr-13 20:20:32

Olivia trust me we do know. Some of us know only too well. You can leave. Honestly you can. You don't need an arsenal of professionals to convince anyone.

Snazzynewyear Fri 05-Apr-13 20:28:32

Yes, many more people than you'd think would understand that someone can seem charming and pleasant in public but is an absolute horror to live with. Really, people will get it - not that it matters whether they do or not. Leave and get started on a better life.

izzyizin Fri 05-Apr-13 20:28:37

you have no idea of the controlling psycopathic nut job im dealing with

You made the choice to visit him on your dc 'deal' with him and you can equally make the choice to not 'deal' with him.

AnyFucker Fri 05-Apr-13 20:31:17

olivia, some people do understand, really they do

SanctiMOMious Fri 05-Apr-13 20:44:17

I understand!!!

I remember posting a few bits to my parents' house. I knew I would have to leave with just a handbag and the buggy. I knew there was no way I could pack. But he sensed something was up. I posted one change of clotehs and documents to my parents' house. unfortunately, he figured out what was going on and askedme if was coming back. stupidly stupidly stupidly i felt like i owed him the truth. I owed him jack shit. I said 'no'. He attacked me and knocked me to the floor. I hurt my eye and my neck and a few other bits ached and twinged but it all happened so quickly i couldn't tell what had hit what or why it hurt. He tore a clump out of my hair too. Luckily though, after that, he was calmer because that was an excellent way for him to let off steam. I left with a handbag and the children.

olivia I swear for at least two years, every night I'd get into bed and just feel grateful that he wasn't in it. LIke, every night I felt amazement and gratitude that I had taken that path in life, the one without him in it, because I could still sense the horror of being in the alternate parallel universe, the one where i hadn't left him.

the thing about leaving a psycho nut job is that they can do you a lot more harm when you live under their roof. get out from under their roof and they're thwarted in their attempts to abuse and control you from then on.

cjel Fri 05-Apr-13 20:47:59

I honestly understand. Been there done that got the t shirt.You are not special or unique nor is your DH, Pease don't kid yourself you are. You are also deluded that yourDCs will be alright and don't know what is going on. Don't make excuses, Reach out and get the help you should have. You are not beyond help, unlovable, mental or any of the things you think you are,your phsyc, may have told you how bad he is but profesionals all over the country would say that about clients other halves. YOur problem is so easy to fix Hes just brainwashed you to believe it isnt.

SanctiMOMious Fri 05-Apr-13 20:51:14

ps, and because I do understand, I'm going to keep going here! smile

Even if he were a nice guy and obviously he's not, you'd still be entitled to leave him. I'm sure he will subject you to his own brand of court case where he's the cross-examining barrister, undermining your reasons for wanting to leave him.

So, don't say I want to leave you because you show me no respect he'll just say, oh you're so sensitive

whatever reason you give for leaving he will discredit your reaction to that. So it's pointless. Just stick to 'I' statements
.

I want to leave you. I don't want this relationship. I don't love you. I am happier away from you.

I know our instinct is to sugar coat that. But it's important that you don't try to sugarcoat it because these blunt harsh statements are the only ones that can't be argued with and can't be discredited.

I would leave FIRST though, get yourself to safety and then tell him that you don't want the relationship any more, you don't love him, it's over and he can consider himself single now.

No matter what he tells people, just hold on to this most people will understand that you have the right to leave a relationship that made you unhappy. Nobody else will judge you for leaving him. Most people will just shrug. Nobody else is going to think you are an evil lazy wicked hysterical chaotic fool for leaving him.

Chubfuddler Fri 05-Apr-13 20:53:35

God yes leave first. I did. I went to work, doubled back, nabbed my son from school and daughter from cm and pitched up on my mother's doorstep. I was lucky to have her but I'd have pitched up at the refuge if not.

SanctiMOMious Fri 05-Apr-13 20:58:27

ps2, i think it's also common to seek his approval. you want him to understand why you have to leave, so that he won't judge you for leaving. but that won't happen! he's never going to give his slave his blessing to consider herself worth more! so don't seek his understanding or his approval or his blessing to end the relationship. he'll never understand or admit that he's treated you so badly you had no choice. NEVER. my x said to my mother recently that he still can't understand why i broke up a family! they never get it.

you just have to leave knowing that he will think all sorts of stupid mean ridiculous things. But that spectre (the what HE thinks spectre, if that's the right word) becomes smaller and weaker the further you are away from him and the longer you're away.

cjel Fri 05-Apr-13 21:04:10

The worry you have about other people is wrong as well. They are living in their own happy worlds and the amount of time they will spend thinking of your marriage is miniscule. It is a big problem to you but it really won't be a burden to anyone else. The will want to support love and care for you.

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