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Mum not coming to my wedding

(87 Posts)
Spottytin Mon 01-Apr-13 15:54:55

I'm getting married in four days time. My mother has just phoned to tell me it is too cold and therefore she won't be coming!

She suffers from rheumatoid arthritis, not a pleasant illness but she does have medication to keep it under control. She said she needs to think of herself, and the cold can make her symptoms worse, so she won't be coming.

We have an awkward relationship,, certainly on my side, and she has been pretty lacking at times as a parent. She had mental health issues as I was growing up and they're not all resolved now. I was almost expecting this, but still feel upset. It's only a small registry office wedding, but she's the only family I have!

Not even sure why I'm posting, just looking for some understanding I think.

kinkyfuckery Mon 01-Apr-13 15:57:10

Oh wow, am sorry you are so upset so close to your wedding.

Does your mother not get on with your fiance? I take it the wedding/reception is indoors?

ThePinkOcelot Mon 01-Apr-13 15:57:25

Sorry to hear that Spotty. A pretty lame excuse really, isn't it? You are bound to be upset by this. Not sure what else to say really. Here is an unmumsnet hug ((((())))).xx

LittleBairn Mon 01-Apr-13 15:58:44

That's really mean of her. I hope you have a lovely day without her.

NinaHeart Mon 01-Apr-13 16:00:42

I'm so sorry to hear this.

Does she want you to plead with her (and find out her importance to you)? Or are you able to just let it go, knowing that ultimately it is her loss not yours. You will be married and will have people who really care about you around you - she wil have lost the opportunity to attend a really special occasion.

My MIL did this to my DH a few days before our wedding.

He ended up with his db and dd there and nobody else. They all took her side.

It's horrible. I'm so sorry.

Spottytin Mon 01-Apr-13 16:01:59

kinky yes she gets on fine with him, and yes everything is indoors, there will be very little exposure to the outside temperatures apart from a quick dash from the car to the door.

I've no doubt this will be tied up with the fact that I haven't rung or been to visit her this weekend - despite having a toddler with a stomach bug and a wedding in a few days time. She never tries to contact me but will often take offence if I don't contact her on a regular basis (according to some hidden agenda of hers that I haven't yet fathomed).


iamsmokingafag Mon 01-Apr-13 16:02:16

She may turn up anyway - sounds like attention seeking behaviour. Such a mean thing to do.
Hope you have a lovely day

toffeelolly Mon 01-Apr-13 16:03:39

She sounds really mean, hope you have a lovely day do not let her spoilt it for you. Have a fab daywink

Spottytin Mon 01-Apr-13 16:03:39

nina yes I think you could be right on the pleading front, but as you say it is her loss really. I just feel a bit disappointed by it.

VBisme Mon 01-Apr-13 16:04:30

I hope you have a lovely day despite your mums odd behaviour.

She sounds like a drama queen, let it go and focus on the people that bring joy to your life.

Bproud Mon 01-Apr-13 16:05:25

That is very hard for you, and of course you feel upset.
So you have 2 choices - either you tackle her and explain that you are upset and you want her to come, or you ignore and decide to have a good day and not let her spoil it for you.
You also need to think of yourself, and only you can decide whether you want to face the confrontation with her at this time, and what the consequences of her decision will be.
From my own experience this sounds like it may be the final straw - but please remember this is a decision she has made, it is not your fault.
Have a lovely wedding day!

Graceparkhill Mon 01-Apr-13 16:07:39

I was wondering if your mum has anxiety issues? Perhaps it is better to know she is not coming rather than she doesn't show on the day.
Could you pop round later with cake/ photos so you still feel she is part of your wedding?

NinaHeart Mon 01-Apr-13 16:10:06

Spotty, I hope you have an absolutely wonderful day and here's to a long and happy marriage for you and your soon to be H.

VenusRising Mon 01-Apr-13 16:12:07

Hope you have a lovely day- just think you can concentrate on having fun, rather than looking after her. (Also have an attention seeking, self absorbed, emotionally absent mum)

Just remember the wedding is about your and your fiance and dc, they are your family.

I half expect my mum not to come to my wedding party when I eventually get round to having it/getting married. We plan on going away with dss dsd and her bf, getting married then celebrating when home. If it's a Saturday night my mum will go to her usual working men's club. I couldn't care less tbh but it will be a bit embarrassing when people ask where she is. She's a good woman though but I just know she won't miss her Saturday at the club hmm

All the best for your day thanks

JustinBsMum Mon 01-Apr-13 16:22:48

She could come along and be 'ill' or 'in pain' and just dominate the day. Perhaps better she isn't there.

Spottytin Mon 01-Apr-13 16:22:57

Thank you all so much for your loveliness!

Sometimes it's nice to get some perspective, difficult dynamics in relationships can confuse the issue. In many ways I wish I'd shifted her further out of my life a long time ago, but hey ho, there's always a bit of me that feels sorry for her I think.

RabidCarrot Mon 01-Apr-13 16:23:17

Sorry your mother is so awful but she is the one missing out and to be honest it sounds like you will have a better day without her there

Congratulations and have a lovely day

nenevomito Mon 01-Apr-13 16:25:52

Like the others have said, I'm not surprised you're feeling upset as your mum is letting you down again.

I hope she comes to her senses and makes it to your wedding. If not its her loss and I hope you have a wonderful day anyway.

Hopasholic Mon 01-Apr-13 16:26:44

It really does sound like she's wanting you to beg and plead.

I'd respond with a ' well that's a shame mum, but ultimately it's your choice' and leave it at that

Make it clear that from now on, your priority is with your DH and DC

I don't know why but in my head when my Dm has tried these kinda stunts in the past, I always told myself '*don't feed the monster*'and it honestly has worked. She never even tries to pull that kinda shit anymore, because I just don't let her, and believe me she's tried some corkers in the past.

Have a lovely wedding day, she'll regret it but that is her problem

Noggie Mon 01-Apr-13 16:28:44

Hope you can put your mums decision to the side and have a fabulous daysmile whatever her motivation it is her decision to miss out x

Kiriwawa Mon 01-Apr-13 16:31:37

What a silly woman she is - cutting off her nose to spite her face sad

She may be doing you a favour as it does sound a bit as if she might invent some kind of drama if she were there anyway because you're going to be getting all the attention otherwise.

I really hope you have a lovely day. flowers

springyhippychick Mon 01-Apr-13 16:32:18

aw how upsetting for you. I can't know what's going on with her but, whatever way you look at it, it seems very unfair to do this just days before. Some people regularly do one over, I've found. As long as you know that's the score and not to put any trust in anything, you can just about survive. However, your wedding?? That seems particularly horrible (((((hug)))))

Fluffycloudland77 Mon 01-Apr-13 16:38:54

I didn't invite my family to our wedding, it doesn't matter on the day because everyone's so happy for you.

Spottytin Mon 01-Apr-13 16:45:44

Yes you are all right, in the run up to this I've had several 'but what about me' style conversations.

At one point she asked me what I was wearing as she needed to look the best on the day!

Am feeling a bit better now, thank you all for being so kind.

MortifiedAdams Mon 01-Apr-13 16:53:26

What I would want to say "How dare you ring me a week before my wedding with a frankly shit excuse as to why you dont want to see me get married"

BUT assuming ^^this is what she wants, what Id actually say is "hmm...well, im.sure it will be warm.enough indoors but if you dont want to be there, fine. You know where we are if you change your mind"

Spottytin Mon 01-Apr-13 16:56:10

Yes yes mortified it was exactly what I wanted to say!

Always biting my bloody tongue, there are times when I would LOVE to just say what I'm actually thinking to her! But then I think my Dad would be all disappointed (bearing in mind he passed away nearly twenty years ago!)

Greydog Mon 01-Apr-13 16:58:10

Just have a lovely day, Spotty, and ignore this mean spirited drama queen. My mother dominated my life for years, and I regret it so much. Don't let yourself be railroaded by her, and just enjoy your day. (the key to this is your day!!)

WafflyVersatile Mon 01-Apr-13 18:14:33

That must be upsetting, but agree on basis of other info that if she does end up coming she might end up bringing unneeded drama. You can have a lovely day without her.

I reckon the best you can say is 'naturally I'm disappointed because of course I want you there, but more importantly I don't want you to make yourself ill or be in pain, so I think you're right not to come. Make sure you keep warm. I'll text you a couple of photos of the happy day smile xx'.

BerylStreep Mon 01-Apr-13 18:28:45

I bet she will manage to make a recovery and turn up on the day itself. Be prepared for that.

Oh, and enjoy your day!

Hissy Mon 01-Apr-13 19:55:23

Don't allow her to wind you up. No reaction, no reply, no engagement.

Don't take any calls from her between now and the wedding. if she wants to look at total bitch by not going, that is her issue.

When anyone asks, TELL the truth. Say that she rang you a week ago to tell you it was too cold and that she wasn't coming.

Let others see what kind of a person she is. This is your new life. Grab it with both hands!

Your dad would give anything he had to see you on your wedding day. I dare say he'd have torn her a new one himself if still alive.

Any decent parent would!

Hissy Mon 01-Apr-13 19:56:26

Oh and if she does turn up, i'd say loudly, Oh you DID decide to come in the end, I thought you said you were not bothering....

Spottytin Mon 01-Apr-13 20:37:01

Ok now I have another issue.

She organised the cake for the wedding: I didn't ask, she wanted to do it, although I think I upset her by asking for no miniature figures of bride and groom on it.

Now the only way we can get the cake is to go and get it. It won't be ready until the day before the wedding. It's being made by someone who lives near her and she lives a two hour drive away.
OH is working all day Thursday, I will have the children. Do I actually drive two hours on the day before my wedding, well, four hours there and back, with my children, to get the cake?

I really really don't want to but...... Do I need to man up here?

Hopasholic Mon 01-Apr-13 20:48:26

What was the original arrangement re the delivery of the cake. Was your mum bringing it? If that's the case I'd tell her I'd organised a courier company to collect and deliver it to the venue as you clearly don't have time for a 4 hour round trip.

Your DDad would probably be more disappointed in your mums behaviour than yours.

munchkinmaster Mon 01-Apr-13 20:53:16

I think you may have a nicer day without her. Ask a friend to pick up cake. People will step up for a wedding (even if they are not invited as its a tiny wedding).

BerylStreep Mon 01-Apr-13 20:55:14

Good idea about courier. I was going to suggest M&S do very nice iced cakes.

Seriously - you need a 4 hour trip the day before the wedding like a hole in the head. Can you liaise directly with the person who is making it?

Do you even need a wedding cake?

Spottytin Mon 01-Apr-13 20:56:15

hopasholic yes the arrangement was she was bringing it with her. The courier is a good idea, apart from anything I'm not overly keen on seeing her right now.

Spottytin Mon 01-Apr-13 20:57:15

Do you know, I don't really need a cake, I wasn't even going to bother until she organised it.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Mon 01-Apr-13 21:01:23

If you don't want the cake, then it sounds as though she has kinda imposed this on you. Why feel responsible for sorting out something she decided you should have? If the cake doesn't get to you then that's her problem ...
Have a lovely wedding day!

LemonBreeland Mon 01-Apr-13 21:03:19

Don't bother with the cake. Don't engage with her and enjoy your day. She sounds like she is the kind of person who will find a way to spoil the day if she is there anyway.

No you don't need a cake really. And like BerylStreep says you can get nice ones in supermarkets or a last minute one from a local baker. I'd do you one if I lived nearby though it wouldn't be professional, probably covered in M&Ms or something grin

izzyizin Mon 01-Apr-13 21:06:53

I suggest you lay it on with a trowel with your dm - profuse regrets that she won't be there, how much you were looking forward to having her by your side playing a central role in the proceedings, how much stbdh and the dc were looking forward to seeing her, blah de blah but, of course her health must come first and, as venturing out into this cold weather will be far to risky for her, you'll content yourself with raising a toast to her at your wedding breakfast/reception and know that she's with you in spirit gush gush - it may be boak making but, as such languge is music to the ears of a narc, flattery should serve to stop her making you feel worse than you do at her not being arsed to put in an appearance on your big day.

And then politely explain that, as you have a ton of preparation to do on the eve of your wedding, you've arranged a courier to collect the cake and ask her what time it will be ready/at her home or, better still, talk to whoever is making the cake and organise it's collection/delivery.

Btw, if let slip the time and the venue I have no doubt any mumsnetters who'll be nearby will shower you with confetti as you leave the registry office with your new dh smile

You're going to have a truly WONDERFUL day, honey - don't forget to throw your thanks in the direction of this board grin

WishIdbeenatigermum Mon 01-Apr-13 21:07:07

shock you poor love- she really is manipulative! Don't go and get it, as you say you can do without it.
Being charitable, having not got the reaction from you she might have expected, the cake might be an excuse for her to come.

izzyizin Mon 01-Apr-13 21:08:50

Of course your guests don't need cake - let them eat bread grin

Lavenderhoney Mon 01-Apr-13 21:12:14

Just read this and yes to " ok, well its your decision" and being frank if people wonder where she is. My sister did this and I just said " oh, she needed more than a year notice, she likes to go to Spain in August"

Don't worry about the cake. If she mentions it, just say well I can't have that one now, oh you paid for it? Well eat it! Ill give you the money if you want"

And order one or make one with the dc insteadsmile

Enjoy your day and send her the nicest photos. Though be kind too, but not bendy and begging. Just in case. ( useless really, sorry)

RandomMess Mon 01-Apr-13 21:13:14

Just get a cake from M&S or Tesco, job done.

specialknickers Mon 01-Apr-13 21:15:11

In my experience, guests very rarely eat the cake anyway so I personally wouldn't worry about it! Enjoy your day and don't let anyone else spoil it for you flowers

Bobyan Mon 01-Apr-13 21:17:22

Listen to the wise MN'ers M&S cakes are the way to go!
Plus if she suddenly puts in an appearance and brings a cake, you can pick which one you like best...
Do not let her spoil your day.

jackstini Mon 01-Apr-13 21:23:43

It's sad, but it's her loss.
You will have a wonderful day anyway.

If you have had no direct involvement with the cake so far; just leave her to deal with it!

Definitely think you should let slip where you are getting married - then send your mum a pic of the random mumsnetters that turn up to celebrate grin

ENormaSnob Mon 01-Apr-13 21:24:11

Leave the miserable old bitch to it.

Enjoy your day with the people that care.

Costco do fab cakes, you need to give 48hrs notice for it to be baked and personalised.

Hissy Mon 01-Apr-13 21:37:49

The cake is part of her manipulation.

Don't rise to it, buy another cake (if you want one) and just get on with it.


cjel Mon 01-Apr-13 22:21:41

I hope I don't get flamed for this , and am quite happy to be wrong but feel the need to say it any way - sorry in advance- . As someone who has suffered with MH issues my first thought was that perhaps she is making herself ill with the worry of going and has used the weather as a kinder excuse than telling you of her anxiety because she knows how silly it sounds. as for the cake if she is struggling with her nerves I would say how much you want it, can't collect it but would love to arrange to have it delivered if she really feels she can't bring it. Say that it will be warm at the wedding, you'd really love her to be there, will miss her but understand if she is unable to make it. there I said it!!

Aussiebean Mon 01-Apr-13 23:38:43

I am getting married on Monday and I dream of my mum doing this. Fingers still crossed.

She is manipulative, negative, spiteful and the world revolves around her. I had a serious thought of not inviting her but the fall out for my brothers would be huge. As it is, my wonderful family are rallying around and keeping her away from me.

I get the poster who talked about mental health issues and she has a point. But the op will know if her mum is just scared and making an excuse or trying it on for attention. Which it sounds like.

If she doesn't come, then you know she won't try and take the light away from you or event something that takes your attention away from the moment.

Don't lie when people ask where she is. It is not your job to protect her reputation. My guess is she is hanging by the phone waiting for your call about the cake. Don't give her the satisfaction. If she calls you, tell her you thought she would courier it to you as the cake was her responsibility.

Don't rise to her, and enjoy your day free of her games.

Congratulations x

Tortington Mon 01-Apr-13 23:42:40

i reckon the 'wasted' money on the cake might make her make contact.

I think you are doing the right thing, its power play, and shes being a mean old twat.

have a lovely day

cjel I have anxiety ( or would but for marvelous meds) and would never ask a bride what's she wearing as I need to look the best.

lisad123everybodydancenow Mon 01-Apr-13 23:48:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Milly22 Mon 01-Apr-13 23:57:57

Sounds selfish and obviously seeking attention when it should all be on you and H to be. Carry on regardless and look forward to YOUR day and think of the people who will be there for you both. Don't waste your precious time worrying about her awful behaviour and enjoy the build up. She'll end up regretting it, you'll see. Congratulations and good luck flowers

cjel Tue 02-Apr-13 09:46:22

Juniper, No but it could be another worry of hers about her being there and she feels a security in finding out all details? - I also know that in a perfect world DM should only be thinking of her daughter and not giving her any of his stress before her special day but when you have this level of anxiety even with wonderful meds the nature of the beast is that you are so worried about yourself that normal thoughts don't come into it.

I hope OP that you have a lovely wedding and don't allow her manipulation (caused by whatever) give you any hassle.

Spottytin Tue 02-Apr-13 16:51:27

Sadly I think her MH issues are worse than anxiety, although certainly when I was growing up that was one aspect of her issues we had to deal with.

Have spoken to some friends who are travelling down to me on Thursday who have kindly said they will go and get the cake, I will ring her this evening just to find out how they go about getting it.

The stupid thing now is I actually feel guilty that she's not coming, that when she asked if she was walking me down the aisle I should have said yes, instead of telling her I was happier just walking down with my two girls!

Think I might join the stately homes thread to explore some of this further.....

cjel Tue 02-Apr-13 18:51:18

So glad you have an offer to get cake. Don't let her get to you. I think civility would be ok but just that. I f you really want her to walk you down the isle mention it again but if you are feeling guilty because you think you 'ought' to, be careful what you say. I hope you manage to not let her spoil this time for you, can't be easy with MH issues Enjoy your special timexx

BerylStreep Tue 02-Apr-13 19:31:45

oh, that explains it. Is she sulking because you don't want to walk down the aisle?

Funny, my narc dad cut me out of his life soon after I got married and didn't have him walking me down the aisle. He walked out on his 5 kids when we were young, and despite owning his own very successful firm, climbing in the Himalayas etc, he left us in pretty much abject poverty.

BerylStreep Thu 04-Apr-13 14:39:21

Hey Spottytin, I hope you have a fab day tomorrow.

onefewernow Thu 04-Apr-13 14:48:04

Poor you. It isn't the RA- my H has it.

Also spoke with a friend who has it on this very cold morning, and she was walking the dogs.

It can be for some a very painful condition but I havnt come across cold as relevant.

Still, may be different for some.?

Good luck for tomorrow.

NewPatchesForOld Thu 04-Apr-13 14:54:24

Spottytin I had this from my narc M...(and yes I am on the stately homes thread!!!). I was getting married in Gretna, the arrangements were to pick her and my brother etc up in a mini bus, drive half way, put everyone up in a nice hotel for the night, then carry on up to Gretna for the wedding, and same coming back. All expenses paid. When I told my Narc Brother that I was getting married he said 'I'm working that day', I said 'but you don't know when it is' and he said 'doesn't matter, I'll be working'. So that was him and his family struck off the list. Then for the entire week before hand M rang up saying yes she'd come, next day no she wouldn't, then yes she would, then no she wouldn' carried on until I switched my phone off and refused to take her calls anymore and got married with just my 2 DC there. It was all about was too far to go, it would be cold, she didn't like Scotland (had never been!).

It completely spoilt the lead up to the wedding.

As it turns out I was marrying a nasty, evil, abusive, perverted twunt but they didn't know that at the time, and neither did I!

NewPatchesForOld Thu 04-Apr-13 14:55:29

And if I ever get married again it will be just me, DP and the DC...registry office, nice meal and home. grin

Hi Op. It sounds, from what you have said about her, as though it is actually going to be a BONUS, her not coming to the wedding! You can then be really free to enjoy the day.

I would just say 'oh dear that is a shame, but you must do what feels best for you.' and then be glad that it is her own fault she isn't there and not yours. At the moment she is selfishly creating a drama four days before the run up to your wedding. I would give her as little attention as possible over this.

Good you have friends to pick up the cake, but if that doesn't work out, it is only a cake and your wedding will still be lovely without it.


Spottytin Tue 09-Apr-13 09:54:21

Well everyone I thought I would come back to let you all know we had a wonderful day, the sun shone (although it was still freezing!), the reception was great and all my dear friends made such an effort for us. Everyone got drunk and had a good old knees up at the evening party and I have some lovely memories.

And those of you who suggested it was better if my mother wasn't there were right, wow what a joy having a day all about me!

Back to reality now, have heard nothing from her since, no call, no card. Am off for a few days away today so will worry about how to tackle contact when we return.

Thank you for all your good wishes!

ImperialBlether Tue 09-Apr-13 09:58:19

I'm glad you had a lovely day - congratulations! I do think you had a better day than you would have with your mum around and you're lucky she's the one who said she wouldn't come, rather than you having to tell her not to come.

Have a lovely honeymoon - hope it's somewhere warm.

ImperialBlether Tue 09-Apr-13 09:59:47

I think I just wouldn't mention the wedding when you call. "How are you? Everything OK?" that sort of thing.

BerylStreep Tue 09-Apr-13 10:03:28

Glad you had a great day!

YEY for your lovely lovely day!!!! Congratulations.

Alwayscheerful Tue 09-Apr-13 10:07:17

Congratulations, so pleased you all enjoyed our day, how was the cake?

DontmindifIdo Tue 09-Apr-13 10:11:34

Yay! It was round my wedding that I suddenly realised it didn't matter if my mum was happy or not. It does sound like you had a better time without her.

I actually wouldn't phone just yet, if you can, post her a selection of wedding photos. She chose to miss her own DD's wedding, let her see you having a fantastic time with her being left out.

lucysnowe Tue 09-Apr-13 10:13:58

Aw, just seen this. Just wanted to say, my mum has RA as well and is a recluse, and hasn't been to either of my children's Christenings or birthdays or anything, so I do really sympathise. I'm so glad you had a good day!

Alwayscheerful Tue 09-Apr-13 10:19:49

My Mother cooked a roast dinner on a Sunday every week of my entire childhood. In fact come to think of it she has cooked one every sunday of her entire adult life. The sunday roast completely dominated Sundays.

I enjoy cooking Sunday lunch occasionally and think it is more appreciated when served occasionally, we all eat each too much and take food too much for granted. Children can be just as happy with Beans on toast, spaghetti bolognese or sandwiches with granary bread and a few crisps.

You sound like a lovely stepmum, the children will remember being happy and cared for more than any thing else. You are doing a great job.

Spottytin Tue 09-Apr-13 10:36:56

Ha ha the cake looked very nice, quite restrained decoration wise, although I didn't eat any of it, I don't particularly like cake. And I was too busy drinking wine chatting with people to eat.

It went down well with other guests though, my littlest DD had it for breakfast on the Saturday!

Hopasholic Tue 09-Apr-13 10:48:23

Congratulations flowers

I am quite surprised though that she stayed under her martyr cloak and didn't turn up!

You will have sent her a very clear message about what and who your priorities are. Well done!

Angelico Tue 09-Apr-13 10:57:44

Congrats OP and enjoy your days away smile thanks

SirBoobAlot Tue 09-Apr-13 11:00:24

Glad you still had a good day, congratulations flowers

Flossiechops Tue 09-Apr-13 11:27:08

Just read the whole thread. Huge congratulations op thanks I think you did exactly the right thing tbh

izzyizin Tue 09-Apr-13 11:53:42

Many congratulations thanks to both of you, Spotty, and here's wine to a long and happy life together.

Enjoy your honeymoon and when you next talk to your dm I suggest you adopt IB's suggestion and don't mention the war your blissful wedding day grin

So glad you had a happy day!

alwayscheerful wrong thread?

Kiriwawa Tue 09-Apr-13 16:36:05

Congratulations - so glad you enjoyed it smile

Alwayscheerful Tue 09-Apr-13 17:15:48

Sorry wrong thread.

LemonBreeland Tue 09-Apr-13 21:45:12

Congratulations I'm so pleased you had a happy relaxed day.

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