Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Mad short passionate affair and getting over it

(163 Posts)
Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 13:16:00

Hi, first of all, I just want to get this off my chest, and so this may be longer than strictly necessary, and I recognise seeing the other threads on here, what a trivial problem I have. Secondly, I'm also a man, and not a parent, so this may not be the best forum for this, but I think I might get some good practical advice.

I met a woman last year and had a short relationship. It wasn't on holiday, but it was overseas with work. It was just incredibly intense, and within a short period of time, we both seemed to be head over heels in love. I was the most amazing man she'd ever met, and she said she had to pinch herself to check I was real. After we left, we said we'd give it a go and I would visit her, this time in her home country (we met in a neutral country, so to speak, where she works).

In the mean time, we skyped, and talked every day. Then she told me she had an ex. He was "depressed all the time", "there was no way it would ever work", her friends didn't like him, but I said I understood she needed to be gentle. I'd arranged to visit her, and on the way to the airport, she messaged me to tell me she still had feelings for her ex, but she still wanted me to come. I still visited her, but it was an awkward time. I was staying with her parents, I didn't speak the language. I left, and she wrote to tell me a few weeks later, she was getting back with her ex. I found out he'd flown to visit her a few weeks after I did. So, not unreasonably, I felt somewhere, she was lying to me.

I spent months thinking about her, but sure it wouldn't work out with her ex, and she messaged me a few times to tell me she wasn't happy, but then other times, she'd message me to tell me things were great.

All this was driving me a bit mad, so we went no contact. We got in touch a few times about work. I then met someone new, and although I'm taking it slowly, I have so much fun with her, she makes me feel good, I'm comfortable with her, she makes me laugh - there's no drama, which is a good thing, but perhaps the drama was part of the attraction with the ex.

My ex has now got in touch to tell me she has split with her ex. I say "sorry to hear that" (of course I'm not), and I'm seeing someone new. She then messages to tell me she has a fantastic new job (paying Xk more than before - why do I need to know this?).

I'm angry in a way that we didn't get a chance to see how things would work between us, and she's affected my self-esteem - I have to give her credit - she's smart, talented and ambitious, and as a result, is in a really good place in her career, more so than I am I'd say, although I'm also very fortunate to do what I do.

I do recognise she's no good for me (or those around her). Before her ex, she was married to her university professor for a short while. Being cynical, I could suggest it helped her immigration status at the time, and when she finished her studies and got a job, she left him (this could be unfair of me). Now she has a new job, she's left this other bloke. I suspect he is going to be distraught, and I feel sorry for him. I also don't know if he knows about me, and thought they were still together when I was with this woman.

So, this is been quite long, so thanks if you got to the end of this. In short, I don't want her back, I recognise she's no good for me, and I'm much happier with my new girlfriend, I need to get over my ex. Any advice would be gratefully received! Thanks

why do you need advice? you say you don't want her back. You have a new partner who sounds like she's ticking all your boxes. How would she feel if she knew you were spending significant amounts of your headspace thinking about another woman.
Can you now go totally 'no contact'. Sounds like it's emotionally exhausting being you and almost definitely being the ex. It's all about the drama from what I've read.
Cut ties and get on with your new life. Seriously... just move on and grow up. What on EARTH does it have to do with you if the new bloke is distraught/ whatever? He's nothing to do with you, there IS NO LINK between the two of you apart from the ex (I could be super crude here, but...) and he would as like wish to stick pins in his eyes than have pity from you. Which would be misplaced.
Get over her and get on with your new partner. you're lucky to have found somebody else, so being brutal, get on with it! Stop with the headfuckkery, she's not worth it.

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 13:31:21

Thanks Lost, seeing it typed out in black and white, both from me, and from others will reinforce what I need to do. I really like my new girlfriend, and although it's early days, I don't want any of these old emotions to ruin anything.

I think reading other threads on here, the OP often knows what they need to do, but seeing someone else write it might be helpful - and this is an anonymous space to vent my feelings.

If anything, I've tried to be friendly, too friendly to my ex.

tribpot Mon 01-Apr-13 13:33:55

I think it's probably lingering longer than it should in your mind because of the 'road not travelled'. You never really got a chance to explore this relationship and find out if it could have been as amazing as it seemed at the beginning. However, from what you've said about her she seems like the sort of person who would go for outrageous flattery at the start of a relationship to pull the other person in and make them believe in magic, and then whirl off to the next thing when it suited her. So I'd conclude your holiday fling was never really 'real' in the first place.

She obviously wants to reel you back in now, you've been smart enough to realise that for the game-playing that it is. Treat your new girlfriend - and yourself - with respect and kick this other one to the kerb. You don't owe her any further contact, and it won't be beneficial to you to prolong it.

Sounds like you're in a good place now. Maximise your happiness and don't dwell on what might have been. She sounds like a taker, and your new girlfriend sounds much more sensible and nice to be around.

which I guess is admirable, but she's just reeling you in, throwing you snippets, and from what you've said, using you to boost her self esteem. Because she could still have you if she wanted to. That sort of stuff.
Quite why she would wish to tell you how much she's earning is beyond me. Honestly - that makes her sound a bit vulgar to me. (Sorry!!) If her life is measured in being wanted by men and how much money she makes, then I would question that there is a side to her character that might be lacking in maturity and depth? (I'm sure there is a LOT to her that is nice, don't get me wrong. I just didn't see so much of it from your OP).

Stay strong, spend time thinking about your new gf and stop with the emotional reveries of you both, running towards each other in the park, Vaseline on the lens and musak playing. It's not really worthy of a truly adult man?

(If I go too far, well then, treat it as more of the b/w treatment, eh? grin)

starfield Mon 01-Apr-13 13:36:15

I think you need to cut all ties with the ex in a very comprehensive way (if possible, given work associations). She sounds like a loose canon, as you now can see.

Imagine losing your new partner over this. You could. Do you feel slightly superior to her (I wonder if you felt you were punching above your weight with your ex and loved the ego boost)? If so, I question whether it's fair for you to be with her, because she deserves to be with someone who think the sun rises and sets on her. It's nice that you can recognise your new partner is the better...^lifestyle choice^. That's not enough. If your heart is engaged elsewhere (whether willingly or no), you should come clean.

The only thing that will help is time and no contact. Can you change your number? Block her on facebook if you're friends (hopefully you're not)? You need firm boundaries.

I tend to over think things, so I can see where you're coming from.

Amberz Mon 01-Apr-13 13:43:37

Jeeze feel for you similar thing happened to me 4 years ago , met a guy we hit it off straight away he goes overseas we still keep in touch , he then meets someone over there , I say lets forget it he wants to maintan contact, it just does your head in I spent so much energy thinking he was the one and it would work out, turns out I was wrong , please dont let this happen to you, I know how painful it is and you cant stop thinking what if , but life is too short carpe diem and all that sounds like you have met a lovley lady ,okay there may not be the fireworks like you had before but fireworks fizzle out , you need sustainablity in your life you deserve it all the best to you and your new partner.

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 13:44:07

Thanks, I do agree with the "road less travelled" idea - our "relationship" was sabotaged by her message, the time I got on the plane to visit her. I spent so long thinking "surely she can't be happy with this ex"...

I suspect she is a bit of a narcissist (I know that's a proper term, so I'm using it loosely), as I think she needs to be continually being loved, and winning prizes, and getting new jobs and so on. Her email about her job was "they're paying me X more, and giving me a fund of X to get my projects going" - it's incredibly vulgar.

I've really got to go no contact, haven't I? What has stopped me in the past is that by going no contact, I worry that it gives her the impression that she has the power to hurt me, whereas, if I didn't care, I'd be ok to hear her news now and again.

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 13:46:39

@starfield. With my new partner, I feel as if we're equals, genuinely. With my ex, I felt she was a bit like superwoman, and on edge a lot of the time (she skies, she surfs, she climbs mountains, etc, etc)

'I worry that it gives her the impression that she has the power to hurt me, whereas, if I didn't care, I'd be ok to hear her news now and again.'

Or you care so little, you forget to give her your new number? wink

Anyway who cares what she thinks.

Rufus, she sounds exhausting! I'm tired just reading about her. You know what to do. It's not about going 'no contact which looks like she has the power to hurt me' - just thinking like that means you're buying into her oney-uppy mind set, aren't you! She's ghastly with such manipulation. Bleurgh.
If she texts, just text back 'sorry, busy, will be back later'... and then don't. Job done and looks natural.

FWIW - if she IS a narc, then she'll come back at you later and make out that you've fallen out becuase YOU didn't send the follow up text, and soemthing will have happened that's quite bad (in her mind) and YOU'RE responsible.

Ignore her. It's the only way to treat such individuals.
Good luck and leave her out of your headspace. You're already devoting too much time to her.

bestsonever Mon 01-Apr-13 13:55:02

Lets face it, at best she picked her 'depressed' ex over any feelings for you - so they really were not that strong for you after all. Just as likely, he was not an ex after all and you were the OM - very easy of her to claim that when you and he are in another country. Either way, would you want to accept that you are 2nd choice, which is what you would be if you had her back? Just move on, be no-one's back-up plan, as that is a route to self-esteem destruction. It's probably the dealing with rejection and the thought of acceptance that's keeping you hanging it there - that will pass in time and is no reason to go back.

You know, if you start making making choices that indicate you've moved on, such as changing your number and every time your mind starts to tick it over, you press the eject button and stop the thought process, sooner rather than later the rest will follow imo.

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 13:59:53

Interestingly, when I visited her in her home country, it wasn't a great success, and she moaned about me for being tight (something I'd never been criticised for before - I tried to pay my way, and the flights weren't cheap). It felt she was blaming the lack of success for my visit on my generosity, rather than her revelation about her ex.

Her feelings can't have been great for me - but although I've binned them now, I had the love letters that went on about how she was mind-bogglingly head over heels in love with me, a week before she told me about her ex

tribpot Mon 01-Apr-13 14:14:19

Unfortunately you've been confronted with the adage about actions speaking louder than words.

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 14:17:49

Completely agree with you tribpot - I do think she's a user. The pattern I spotted is, and I could be jumping to assumptions

When she was doing a PhD, she was married to her Professor - when she finished and got a job, she moved to a new town, and divorced her husband.

Then she moves to the new town, gets with the new chap.

When she met me, she had a job offer in the UK. She then turned it (and me) down, and went back to the town and the ex

Now she has a new job, she's left him, and off she goes again.

(This might be unfair of me, but it's how it appears)

navada Mon 01-Apr-13 14:21:49

Rufus: see it for what it is ( or was ) a short lived passionate affair. It would never have been anything more than that - they never are.

Put it down to experience & move on.

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 14:23:36

Thanks, you can probably tell by writing it down, and thinking about it, it's opened some wounds and thought that aren't helpful

navada Mon 01-Apr-13 14:26:28

Talk all you want, it helps smile

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Mon 01-Apr-13 14:36:48

She does sound very selfish and spoiled. Probably little doubt that she will achieve great things in her lifetime, but stamp on a lot of heads along the way.

It might be very thrilling and exciting being with someone like her, but ultimately the only person she's ever going to be interested in is herself.

From what you say your current girlfriend sounds lovely.

Interesting point you make re keeping contact to show no bad feelings etc - but like others have said (and now you), I would completely cut her off. She has treated you badly and you really don't owe her anything. Occasional contact will only prolong a negative situation.

CalamityKate Mon 01-Apr-13 14:49:23

I think that it won't matter what anyone says; you're still hung up on the ex (who doesn't sound very nice at all) and you should finish things with the poor girl you're seeing now so that she's free to find someone who is happy to concentrate on her.

Really, if I thought that the man I was seeing was spending ANY time at all thinking about his ex and what she might or might not be thinking, and whether HER ex was ok, and mooning over what might have been blah blah....I'd be pretty hurt and pissed off. She's worth more than you're giving.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Mon 01-Apr-13 15:14:38


I don't think I have ever started a new relationship without thinking about the preceded boyfriend, particularly if it ended badly.

Interested to know how you read your man's mind though?

LessMissAbs Mon 01-Apr-13 16:00:49

I'm going against the grain slightly. I think you were unrealistic. Its almost as if you expected a woman you had met abroad, and known for a few weeks, to have no romantic history. When in actual fact, very few attractive, interesting people are fully single once they're beyond, say, 28 or so.

I think she probably was hedging her bets, and rightly so, as she barely knew you. But I think given time to think about it, she preferred you to her ex, but needed some reassurance for you that getting serious with someone from overseas was worth doing.

It also sounds like you didn't really shine when you went over to visit - why did you stay with her parents and not in a hotel? Are you very young? Its an odd thing to do, and doesn't help create a romantic setting with a new partner.

As for your comments about her job, and past partner. Why would she not tell you her news, which included getting a well paid job? You almost sound jealous. And I'm sorry, but women do make their way in the world of work on talent and not on sleeping with men (although she was in fact married to this one) - what a really odd, offensive thing to say! 3 boyfriends, one of whom is you, and one of whom she married - hardly the mark of a wanton woman! You do realise the equivalent would be to say that you used her for a free holiday - its just about as ridiculous!

I'd say you sound a bit paranoid, possibly because of the distance and lack of contact, and your brain is working overtime to think up reasons why it wouldn't work, because shes touched you, and you are scared. You sound as if you feel not worthy of her and are making excuses to make this more reasonable on your part. And it was you who very quickly met someone new! Almost as if you expect women to behave like 100 years ago - marrying their only boyfriend and not having a good career. So its up to you - I would say I think its possibly better for men to be with someone who challenges them for positive reasons, because someone who is successful and talented makes you want to be like them (its human nature). The choice a man makes of the woman in his life can really shape his future.

I also think if you were head over heels with your current gf, you wouldn't even be thinking about the woman abroad, but you're right, you can probably get used to someone if you spend long enough time with them, so you probably should put your blinkers back on, return to your unchallenging life and marry your current girlfriend.

LessMissAbs Mon 01-Apr-13 16:11:44

@starfield. With my new partner, I feel as if we're equals, genuinely. With my ex, I felt she was a bit like superwoman, and on edge a lot of the time (she skies, she surfs, she climbs mountains, etc, etc)

You seriously list this as a problem in a woman? What do you think would be more appropriate for her to spend her time doing? Knitting and sewing??

Jesus Christ. You do realise there are plenty of women out there that have an interest in sports and the outdoors? Its not a male preserve? And that its actually rather healthy to have hobbies?

See, if I was a man, I would go for the biological imperative - the woman that skis, surfs, is well educated and hard working is more likely to produce children that do well at school and in sport and be motivated and so on.

And I'll go on to say that when I meet a man, I always regard him more highly if he has a wife who is a high achiever.

tribpot Mon 01-Apr-13 17:22:06

LessMiss - I think if you're not a super-active type, being with a super-active type can be pretty tiring to keep up with! I didn't read this as a gender thing 'why wasn't she doing more baking like that Nigella?' but more a personality difference. The OP was noting that he felt a bit overawed by her drive and ambition, not that it was a bad thing.

I'd like to point out there's nothing wrong with knitting either, mind you! wink

BicBiro Mon 01-Apr-13 17:35:56

I agree that if you are spending this much time and energy thinking and analysing your old relationship them you should not be starting a new one. it's not fair.

if you told the new girl how hurt you are feeling over the ex she may well decide not to take a chance with a man on the rebound.

TheOwlService Mon 01-Apr-13 17:40:27

"Treat him mean, keep him keen" - maybe its a case of that OP?

Whatever anyone says to you if it was a very intense relationship it wont be that easy to banish from your mind. Plus, you sound like you are trying to convince yourself regarding your new girlfriend.

Might be better to just spend some time on your own for a while, put things into perspective? Like others have said time and no contact should sort it out eventually.

LessMissAbs Mon 01-Apr-13 17:42:32

tribot my mother-in-law, who is 63, skis and "climbs mountains" and has recently finished walking the Great Wall of China! Yet I don't think she'd describe herself as super-active, just alive and reasonably active. OP, do you know how many people are out skiing and hillwalking at weekends? I agree, this woman is wasted on this man. He sounds very metrosexual if he thinks skiing and hillwalking are the mark of a superwoman, and 2 boyfriends and an ex husband are the mark of a wanton woman. Probably best left to going round garden centres and walking the dog at weekends!

(I actually thought when I first read that comment that this thread was an April Fool).

Agree with BicBiro that the OP has done exactly what he has criticised his ex for doing.

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 17:54:58

LessMiss, I can see how what I was saying could be interpreted in that way, but I agree with the thrust of what you're saying. I was attracted to her by her energy, her drive and her achievements, so I wasn't suggesting she should be knitting, and I wasn't criticising her for her achievements. I admire her for what she's achieved. I wasn't suggesting it was a problem. When I was with her, and things were good, I loved being with that energy. However, when I was rejected, or when I was put on an insecure footing, the dynamic changed, and I felt tested. For example, we went mountain climbing (her first husband has climbed Everest), so I did find it a little daunting, knowing there was an ex waiting in the wings. I had expected to go there on a fairly secure footing, as her boyfriend, but the revelation changed that.

When I went to visit her, I was invited to stay at her parents - but thinking we would have space and time together, while at the same time, meeting her family. They seemed to think she still had a boyfriend, which made it awkward. It was a mistake to stay there, but in return, we had planned she would visit me, and stay in my flat, to see both of our real lives.

I certainly have a romantic history, and I clearly still have feelings for an ex, and I suppose many do, but I had been told that was definitely something from the past, and not something that would be returned to.

Plus, I did wait months for her to change her mind, and the first time she told me she was unhappy with her ex, I wrote to tell her that I still had feelings for her, and that we could start again as friends if she wanted that.

As soon as I meet someone new (we're in month in), she then tells me she's broken up with her ex.

I do worry about the effect this is having on my new relationship, but I tend to have good and bad days about my ex. When she told me about her new job, it wasn't that she has a new job - it's the vulgar description of the salary that I suppose upset me. I agree entirely I'm thinking about her too much.

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 17:56:25

LessMiss, I do think you're misinterpreting my point about her being "superwoman".

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 18:03:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I'd withdraw that post Rufus, it's too specific.

I do understand how you feel and I felt like I'd read a different OP to Abs, but the good thing about mn is that it gives you a wide range of opinions.

You just need to move on, she wasn't right for you, you weren't compatible really and it's not reality.

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 18:10:55

Ok, I've asked for it to be withdrawn

happyAvocado Mon 01-Apr-13 18:12:39

she kept you asa back up, in case her current relationship didn't work

depending where she is from - there are cultural reasons for some of her behaviour - if you share her nationality with us it may be easier to comment further

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 18:13:47

I think MissAbs and I are actually making a similar point though - if you're with someone like that, it can be great. However, if they reject you, it can affect your self-esteem (and it has)

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 18:15:27

HappyAvocado, I'd be very wary of saying her nationality in case it made it obvious I was talking about - If I were to say SE Europe, that might help, but I don't want to be more specific.

Mumsyblouse Mon 01-Apr-13 18:19:19

I don't think you should say her nationality, this is way too specific anyway and you should get that last post deleted.

Rufus, she's obviously a charismatic clever and wonderful lady, but I would bet my bottom dollar that there has been a string of admirers over the years, young successful female academics are much admired by older male academics for a start. That's not to diminish what you had, but I suspect she had a way of making you feel very special which is not the first time she has been that charming (the lines she used sound slightly cliched to me). Think of it as an amazing experience, but there are many things in what you have said that mean as a long-term bet she may not have been a good one.

Sometimes it is exciting to be in the orbit of someone really amazing, so treasure it for what it was, but really do try not to let it spoil the real relationships you could have- obviously you never got to the deep genuine stage of true love (sorry, you didn't, you were both a bit infatuated and it wore off for her) and pining after her is going to keep you stuck. There's no guarantee whatsoever that you could have made a great life together, indeed, I know what it takes to do well academically and for her to achieve all that she would have made a lot of sacrifices along the way, including relating to family life and time in relationships.

I think you are hankering after an ideal and not a real person, you never really knew her deep down and it is definitely time to move on. Do not become her safe back0up for when it fails with the ex.

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 18:19:40

I want to get to the stage where I'm happy for her, but I suspect she's playing games. When I met her, and she told me these things about her, I was pleased for her.

However, when she wrote to tell me she was splitting up, I said I'm sorry and I'm with someone else, she wrote quite tersely "glad you're happy". Then the next email was I've been offered a new job with $Xk, with $Xk start up funds - which to my ears sounds boasting.

BicBiro Mon 01-Apr-13 18:24:28

she's just trying to make herself feel better because she's put out that you've moved on. you really do need to cut ties. there's little point trying to work her motives out. you need instead to work out why this short relationship has impacted on you so greatly, and that means time out of ALL relationships while you reflect.

happyAvocado Mon 01-Apr-13 18:25:56

I am not sure why you say - you want to be happy for her?
if she hurt you - it is painful and it sometimes takes ages to get over emotional pain
obviously she is playing games - you haven't seen her for ages and she is still trying to mess your head...
isn't it connected with the fact that you have met someone?

however, the more you try not to think about her - the more you will (that how our brains work smile ) - if it bothers you - look for a CBT session with a professional

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 18:26:50

True, I'm sure she'll do very well for herself. I think she has made big sacrifices, and will continue to make them for her career. Right now, she is thousands of miles from her family, and her new job will mean that she has relocate 3000 miles across the US, and start again, in a city where she doesn't have any friends - but she will make a big go of it, she will meet someone new, and hopefully make a happy life with them.

The thing is I could sense she was unhappy, and I felt for some reason, for a short time I did make her truly happy.

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 18:30:48

To be honest, I do think she was a little put out. When I met her, we were at a young academic conference, and they awarded some small funding at the end - and I won it and not her. And it upset her, as she was used to always coming first. I'm moderately talented myself! There was one incident when she got jealous, where I was chatting to another woman. She definitely likes to be centre of attention.

In a way, it's quite cathartic to get this off my chest, as it's hard to tell anyone in RL, as they think it's all in the past.

BicBiro Mon 01-Apr-13 18:33:20

oh god you're one of those 'fix it' men who can sense sadness a mile away and think they are the remedy grinI bet you thought you were soulmates didn't you?

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 18:34:55

Maybe, but when I met her she told me she was unhappy, and she also told me I'd made her happier than she had been in a long time

happyAvocado Mon 01-Apr-13 18:39:32

you made her happy there and then, she moved on after she used you

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 18:41:02

I accept that - after she went back to her ex, a few times she wrote me messages like "I have to pretend to be happy, and you remind me I'm not", but she kept with her ex, until now

happyAvocado Mon 01-Apr-13 18:44:19

so now she wants you to fix her?
had using someone else for ones own needs ever worked?

Mumsyblouse Mon 01-Apr-13 18:44:46

Rufus, I am going to be pretty frank. This would never have worked long-term in a million years, for a start you are very competitive with her and you cannot have this type of jockying for position all the time, she needs someone (as perhaps you do) who is supportive, not competitive, and happy for her to make professor by forty. Lots of men are attracted to successful women like this, but in my experience very very few can provide that type of support without some resentment and bitterness creeping in if their own academic careers are not taking off in exactly the same way (which is why the older academic/younger female is a much more common pairing). I know (sadly) plenty of male academics who are open about this and look for a partner who isn't going to determine where they live/the next move/drive everything forward as they simply want to be the prime mover in their families' lives. She is clearly a very proactive person, and you, perhaps rightly realised you might end up trailing her and not the other way around.

This may not be you, but you certainly do display a competitive (and a bit of a game-playing) side- you didn't have to let her know immediately that you were in a relationship when she texted/contacted you, a simple- sorry you are unhappy, we've all moved on would have done (her next text was a response to your announcement, a few weeks in, of a new relationship which was probably too soon for you and is now what has created the uncertainty).

You were young, it was fun, you were both clever attractive, sparks flew but nothing you have said remotely convinces me you were suited long-term.

Rulesgirl Mon 01-Apr-13 18:45:07

Some very good advice here Rufus especially from Mumsyblouse. She seems to have been just a fling and real life didn't match up to the dream. Real life was staying with her got to see what she was like and you didn't like. Also it would seem that she lied to you maybe was even cheating on both you and her ex. Not really a very nice thing to do to anyone. Do you really want a woman like that? How could you ever trust her?
I think if you were to tell your passionate fling that you had finished with your new lady and that you are free, I think she would play you around some more and you might find out that she is actually still with her ex or gets back with him again. Maybe she only wants you cause she cant have you and loves the excitement. Maybe you only still hanker after her because you couldn't have her.
I think you owe it to yourself to see where this new relationship goes. You really seem to like her and its only a month in so this could really grow into something real and amazing couldn't it? This lady could potentially be "The One" who you settle and have babies with. The start of this relationship is more mature and realistic and you are getting to know each other on a proper footing.

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 19:00:04

Thanks for the advice there. It is useful to hear it. I certainly agree with big parts of what you're saying. When we first met, we started to talk about how I might move to the US - I'm in a more applied field than her, and I was open to both jobs in academia and industry, and both could provide quite fulfilling careers, whereas she was more certain she wants to be a professor, which in part explains why she has risen so fast in what she does. She once described me as being her "Dennis Thatcher" - take from that what you will.

I tend to agree that we're both competitive with each other, and it probably wasn't very healthy as a dynamic, and so I definitely agree we almost certainly weren't suited long term - it's a shame we never got to even try it.

My new GF really is quite amazing and wonderful, and I laugh so much when I'm with her.

Mumsyblouse Mon 01-Apr-13 19:10:46

Can I also share the knowledge which took me about five years into marriage to realise that being with someone like that can be very exciting and intense, but long-term it is exhausting. It is very easy for sparks to become permanent conflict, or simply for your schedules and priorities to become incompatible. Two very driven people together isn't always the best combination (or at least not if they are both at the same stage and need the other to make big sacrifices).

I hope it has helped getting some of this out on here, hopefully you can see it for the idealised fling that it was and not a long-term great prospect. Having someone who is perhaps less of a whirlwind (if you want to be one too) and you can laugh with is really valuable.

GettingGoing Mon 01-Apr-13 19:11:34

I feel for you. You've been used and it hurts. I think you need to look a little more deeply at your own self esteem and why it is that you even consider her feelings/accept being second best/are letting her jeapordise your new relationship. You're an intelligent man but there is some illogical emotional stuff going on there.

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 19:19:20

I tend to agree that it was almost certainly a bad match - If we had wanted to be together, it would mean me moving to somewhere new, perhaps somewhere with few job prospects for me, or vice versa for her. The dynamic did seem to become grating as well.

I also think my main problem is self-esteem - without being overly arrogant, I've got a lot going for me, I'm well qualified, in an applied field that means there are opportunities around in the world in either universities, or industry. But right now (I have a contract with time running out), my career is less secure - whereas she has a faculty position, and her rejection of me hurted me.

GettingGoing Mon 01-Apr-13 19:42:47

Sorry to be brutal, but I'm not talking about your career - I'm talking about how you feel about yourself generally behind the facade of your successful career.

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 19:44:24

Fair point, I do certainly suffer from self-esteem issues beyond my career, and perhaps use my career and academic qualifications to counter that

GettingGoing Mon 01-Apr-13 20:09:22

Sorry to hear that OP. There is your answer then - she is making you feel rubbish which, for whatever reason, is a comfortable place for you. I think that is why you have allowed her to get under your skin. At some level she probably recognises this in you or she wouldn't mess you around like this.

I think you have to use your intellect on this one and cut contact.

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 20:25:03

Today has certainly been a mopey day - not good! I find I'm fine, don't think about her too much, and then when she gets in contact like this (in a boasty way) it brings me down a little.

Thanks, I know what I need to do, but I like the idea of being ok with everything

LessMissAbs Mon 01-Apr-13 21:43:38

I'm glad mumsnetters are open-minded enough to agree I've provided some perspective! I would add a note of caution though - most of you are telling the OP what he wants to hear, but mumsnet is mainly comprised of mums, with a higher than average proportion of SAHMs, who are going to have a whole different perspective on this situation than women in a career. To read this thread, you would think women with a career was a terribly unusual thing, and such women had to be treated like unexploded bombs, that might go off at any second!

Whereas in reality for most of us, it is simply a way of earning money. I actually work in academic now myself, but I am temporary, don't do (much) research and done my stint in my profession. I do however know many female academics and while a couple are a bit precious, I would say the number of precious drama queen ones are no more than the national average and that there are plenty of women out there who don't work in academia who are like that too! Most of them however are perfectly normal women, often struggling to balance work and family life, and academia is actually quite good for that once you are established, because its a lot more flexible than industry or private practice.

Certainly most of the married female academics I know are married to normal men, not elderly professors, but engineers, doctors, public sector workers, and so on, usually their rough equals. You do realise that in the very near future, most doctors and lawyers will be female, because the vast majority of students in this subjects are now female?

OP, you sound a huge bundle of insecurity and lack of self confidence, and I echo that you would benefit from counselling because I suspect you are in danger of developing very controlling tendencies. You have totally over-thought this whole very short relationship, and you have got yourself into such a negative pattern of thinking, you have ruined it, and my guess would be that that is what has affected your ex's behaviour - she was not sure of the strength of your feelings for her. Anyone else would be prioritising the fact that you are on different sides of the Atlantic as the main problem, rather than the fact that the woman earns an honest penny! And you are obsessed with her exes and what they do. Yes, you have a career. Good for you. Just like most people. Get over yourself!

You also don't attach enough importance to the fact that you stayed in her parent's house on your visit over. You could surely have moved into self catering accommodation for the second half or something?

What will you do if your new girlfriend starts to do well in her career? Support her, or hold her back? Did you have a strong female role model in your own life? What if she takes up a new sport and starts to do well in it? You do realise that having hobbies is pretty healthy for your state of mind and general well being, not something negative? What will you do if you have female children? Will you encourage them to go out into the world, bold and confident, or to sit back and think of fitting in?

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 21:51:56

LessMiss, with all respect, I agree entirely with a lot of what you say - for example that I do need to work on self-confidence, etc. But I think you've got the wrong end of the stick with some things.

I was really attracted to her energy, her achievements. I saw them as a positive thing entirely. My problems came when she dumped me, and then I felt my self-esteem affected! I don't (generally) have problems with successful women. Most of my exes have been successful, clever women, and I never felt threatened or belittled by them. In fact, my current girlfriend is a clever woman, (we met at work at University, although in a different department)

Also, I think you may have it the wrong way around with who was demonstrating their commitment. I told her 100% I wanted to give this a go, and it was me who visited her. It was her who expressed doubts. It was her who went back to her ex.

The point about the accommodation is a fair point, but that is water under the bridge.

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 21:53:40

In hindsight, it was a mistake to stay at her parents, but she doesn't live in a touristy area of Eastern Europe, and she invited me, knowing the situation, and how easy it would be to fit in. I agree it was a mistake though

Mumsyblouse Mon 01-Apr-13 22:06:57

LessmissAbs I agree with you to a point, the OP does seem threatened by this very successful woman, however I am not sure how typical she is in terms of being able to move about and be pretty successful so early on (and how much is his idealised view of her).

I also wonder like you though, about deeper issues for the OP to do with women being successful, I certainly have found that many men in academia either look for women who are not quite as successful as themselves or working in a different area, to the point that the affair with the PhD student is somewhat a cliche (although I do know of one female senior lecturer who did have an affair with her male PhD student but she is very much the exception). I do know the odd pair of academics who are equally matched and who have a family, but they are very much in the minority, as mostly someone's career has taken a back seat at some time point and that has often been the woman. We took it in turns to knacker our careers for a few years so that was pretty equalsmile

As much as this woman may not be for the OP (and I don't see what she did wrong really, it was a love affair, it ended), the Op may not be the right person for this woman. I suspect she knows this which is why although she is keeping in touch, she is not pursuing the relationship.

LessMissAbs Mon 01-Apr-13 22:07:39

What I am wondering is, if you come across this negative to me, a stranger on the internet, months afterwards, what must you have come across like to your ex? I don't see how she has used you, but I do wonder whether you gave her enough reassurance that you were serious about her. Bearing in mind you were on different sides of the Atlantic. I think it was you who lost her, rather than she who left you.

That's just my impression. But you sound way too hung up on her and way too overthinking. This is something that might affect your other relationships too, so its maybe something you have to be aware of.

Mumsyblouse Mon 01-Apr-13 22:12:25

Perhaps threatened is the wrong word- intimidated? I just think it's an idealized view of her, I don't get a sense of her as a whole person, just as a list of achievements which, when you (OP) were associated with them made you very proud, but once she moved on, you felt lost/low self-esteem as a result. I don't get a sense of her as a real life breathing person in all this.

I am going down this route as I have felt like this at times with some men, if you are even slightly successful sometimes you meet people who are impressed by your success but don't see you as a whole person- but equally there is sometimes a little hostility underlying that (e.g. about how she achieved these positions through relationships which i very much doubt).

If this doesn't fit, dismiss it, but the worst thing about being put on a pedestal is when you fall off. I think this lady has fallen off and you are wondering whether to put her back on- the answer being NO, definitely move on and spend time with this new lady (or someone else) who really is into you.

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 22:13:44

I am definitely way too hung up on her, there's no denying that. And I am threatened by her, but I think that was related to the circumstances. I didn't feel threatened by her when we were together.

My perspective is that we had a fling, we declared our love for each other, I committed to giving a go, and flying to visit her. In return, told me she had feelings for her ex, and subsequently got back with him (and stayed with him for six months until it broke up just now). I told her, when she told me she was unhappy, in no uncertain terms, I still had feelings for her, and would have tried again even after she went back to her ex.

However, by telling me things were over with her ex, and that she went back to him suggested she wasn't telling me the whole truth.

I'm not a sahm I work in finance Abs.

I wasn't trying to tell him what he wanted to hear, just my view on it <shrugs>

EggyFucker Mon 01-Apr-13 22:16:18

I wonder how your current partner would feel about you still in contact with this head-fucker, and still whining about it on here with strangers ?

Detach from your ex...there is no reason in the world to be having these kinds of conversations with her when you are in another relationship

If you can't do that, do the right thing and let your current girlfriend down gently and let her find someone else who isn't moping about an OW

I would say the same thing to a female OP, btw

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 22:18:24

She expressed a worry early on when we were skyping that perhaps it wasn't real, and that maybe we were infatutated with each other. I said I didn't believe that to be the case, but the plan was to visit each other before she went back to the US, and I felt she sabotaged it, by telling me she had feelings for her ex. It changed the dynamic completely.

I agree, intimidated is a better word, but that only happened afterwards. When she was with her ex, she'd tell me she was off to a conference in DC, or a meeting in San Francisco, and I saw the rain outside the window in the UK, and could feel a little intimidated.

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 22:21:17

Fair enough Eggy, this thread is not entirely a fair representation of everything. Today I have been a lot more mopey than usual because of the job offer nugget, and because this thread is about my ex, rather than my new girlfriend, who genuinely, every second I'm with, I feel so happy with her. She makes me laugh so much, is beautiful and fun (she's away with her family for easter, so I'm a little mopier than I normally would be!)

GettingGoing Mon 01-Apr-13 22:22:33

'As much as this woman may not be for the OP (and I don't see what she did wrong really, it was a love affair, it ended' - what she did wrong, was to text him on his way to the airport! That is game playing at its best.

Where does the OP even begin to imply that he has a problem with successful women? He sounds respectful of her success and slightly in awe of her adventurous nature. Where is the problem in that? Are you sure you are not projecting a bit LessMissAbs?

EggyFucker Mon 01-Apr-13 22:23:11

I suggest you Get. A.Grip, tbqh

Does your gf know you are having these kinds of exchanges with your ex ?

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 22:26:18

Eggy, no she doesn't. we've been dating each other for a month, so it's early days, and I want to resolve this before we get properly serious, as I recognise how much better she might be for me in the long term

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 22:26:47

I need to find the grip shop!

EggyFucker Mon 01-Apr-13 22:29:58

Cut contact with your ex

Are you going to do that ? Or are you going to indulge in more emotional handwringing with her ?

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 22:32:21

I have no plans to contact her - I have every expectation that she will write to me again (as she has done throughout this). If I had more self-esteem, I would be very happy to say "well done", and leave it at that. I don't plan to write to her, we've unfriended on the insidious FB. I

I'd block her for good measure on fb as well.

EggyFucker Mon 01-Apr-13 22:37:49

it's up to you, mate

if you feel you cannot break ties with her, no-one can do it for you

the answer lies in your hands

or perhaps not, when your girlfriend realises she is not at the forefront of your mind

Mumsyblouse Mon 01-Apr-13 22:38:58

If I was flying out to meet a guy who was supposed to be in love with me and he messaged me on the way to the airport to say he still had feelings for his ex, I would not have got on the plane. I don't do second best! She also didn't have to let the OP know this at all, given that he didn't speak the language and wouldn't have clocked any relationship. I think she was giving out ambiguous signals (talk of ex, feeling for ex, questioning the 'reality' of their love) but the OP wasn't ready to hear this. She didn't play him on the visit, declaring undying love, if anything she was true to herself that she was not in love with him. Relationships are messy, and she seems pretty normal to me in trying to work out what she wanted, being unsure and letting him know when she had got back with the ex.

OP is there a reason this has come up now? Is it just these recent messages? I would stop contact, there's no reason to continue, other than to torture yourself.

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 22:39:23

I actually did block her on FB for a good long time, but if we're friends, her privacy settings are pretty good, so there's no scope for facestalking, so I unblocked her about a week ago (just before she told me she was single again)

LessMissAbs Mon 01-Apr-13 22:43:19

You're completely hung up on her OP. Either that, or stuck in a pattern of overthinking about things.

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 22:44:09

Mumsy, she did declare undying love for me, that was the problem! She wrote me a love letter about a week before I left to visit her saying exactly that (I subsequently binned it)

For a time, she was unambiguous about her feelings for me (I wouldn't have gone if I wasn't the most amazing man she'd ever met, and was so perfect for her (I'm quoting her))

Although it's been at the back of my mind, it's come up because of the recent contact, about her break-up and her new job.

In all honesty, a lot of this is cathartic, getting this off to my chest to anonymous (yet wise MNers) is probably helpful

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 22:45:38

LessMissAbs, it's probably more the latter, but I do think today isn't a fair reflection - it's a cold easter monday, I haven't had a lot to do, my new girlfriend is away, my ex messaged me last night to tell me her new salary package, etc.

Rufus if you block her (when friends) it severs the friendship connection, so you'd have to re-friend her on removing the block. Did you mean you limited who you shared with?

I'm splitting hairs now but blocking is a good thing to do, so she cannot see anything you post on mutual friends statuses etc. Even if you have un-friended her.

LessMissAbs Mon 01-Apr-13 22:48:28

Possibly a day to go out and climb a hill then OP, and give yourself something more productive to do than dwelling on it ;-)

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 22:50:10

Agree entirely LessMissAbs

DontStep, I unfriended her, then blocked her, and then unblocked her, so I can see her public profile (which says nothing), but we're not friends. I don't post much on FB, and haven't posted anything about my new GF

EggyFucker Mon 01-Apr-13 22:50:59

Play text-tennis with your girlfriend instead

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 22:52:19

she's on a campsite in cornwall, with not a lot of reception!

GettingGoing Mon 01-Apr-13 22:52:41

I don’t think her feelings can have been as strong as you thought ( despite the declarations of undying love) and maybe not even as strong as she thought. Or maybe she just felt sorry for her partner, but that is not the picture you have painted of her. You can’t text someone on their way to the airport if you love them like she claimed to!

The only possible closure you could get is to re-start the relationship, knowing that her feelings for you first time round were not sufficient to resist her love/pity for a depressed man who she then dumped anyway. It does beg the question why she was with a depressed man to begin with – it doesn’t fit with what you have said about her. I hate to psychobabble again, but these things tend to have a reason and I suspect she doesn’t feel quite as positive about herself as she should either (hence the bragging about salary too). Maybe that was what you recognised about each other?

What stops you giving it another go, but go in with eyes wide open this time? I question your feelings for your current girl-friend and wonder how you can make a go of it if you are so hung up on this woman. I think we know what the outcome would be if you did give it another go, but it sounds as though you want to find out for sure.

elastamum Mon 01-Apr-13 22:56:15

Having read your thread, I feel most sorry for your new girlfriend - I suspect she might not want to hang around for long if she knew how hung up on your ex you are.

FGS get a grip - unless you want a life of misery, It is OVER hmm

LessMissAbs Mon 01-Apr-13 23:00:24

That's my conclusion GettingGoing - that he should consider giving it another go. I also think the ex doesn't sound nearly so self-confident as he seems to think. I wonder if she was very insecure because of the OP living on another continent.

The OP has told us so much detail about his ex and what happened, compared to his current girlfriend. I think sometimes people think relationships should proceed in a certain way, in a certain order, and that if anything goes wrong and its not perfect, they must walk out and find another one.

I think the OP also has to address the major issue of her being on the other side of the Atlantic.

I wonder if the mention of her new salary is a cultural difference, or perhaps even a veiled hint that the OP could live with her until he found a job where she is.

Who wants their epithet to read "I was too scared"?

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 23:00:42

GettingGoing, I think in your second paragraph -you've really spotted something with your psychobabble that I agree with! I don't deny I lack self-confidence, and I think the same is true of her - she has to continually prove herself - she's from a very humble background in Eastern Europe - her dad's a coalminer, in the US she's always an outsider. I'm from a working class background - first in the family to go to university, 1st, PhD, etc, and we've both striven to prove ourselves academically, and we did see that in each other.

I've met a lot of academics, and so many of them do good work, but seem more self-assured. I did see this in both of us.

I've not mentioned what her ex did, but he was largely an unemployed hippy, who got depressed a lot (if what she told me was true). In a way, she was quite possibly as threatened by me as I am by her. She once said I was so smart it scared her!

What stops me even trying to think about giving it a go, is that although I clearly have feelings for her, I think she'd bad for me, my friends think she's bad for me.

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 23:03:53

This is where I get into difficulties elastamum suggests one thing, LessMissAbs the complete opposite.

But, I made it clear before I still had feelings for her, and she showed no sign that she had feelings for me, and that's why I've gone on to date someone else.

GettingGoing Mon 01-Apr-13 23:10:09

Then tell her once more that you have feelings for her ... and that this is the last time you are telling her. Be honest with her.

You've put an awful lot of personal information in this thread ... let's hope nice girlfriend on campsite in Cornwall, hippy boyfriend, and daughter of coalminer from Eastern Europe don't come across this somehow!

Mumsyblouse Mon 01-Apr-13 23:10:44

Your friends probably see the emotional roller-coaster you seem to be on when with her and think 'oh no, not again' but your friends don't have to live your life. You have two ways to go with this- either cut off contact and move on, or go back and see. Carrying on some type of contact will undermine your current relationship.

I still don't get a sense of her as a rounded person from you. I don't think you knew her or what made her tick very well at all, and may have fallen for the superficial successful woman which is a side of her but not the whole. One way to get her off the pedestal would be to go back and find out, otherwise I have a horrible feeling that you will carry on idealising her as you have really done to date (even though her 'real' behaviour at times wasn't really kind and you didn't work that well when together in her own country). I have a friend who did this, went out to another continent after some guy who she was half in love with, it fizzled/wasn't the same, but it cured her wondering.

EggyFucker Mon 01-Apr-13 23:11:51

Alternatively, if you are wondering what it feels like to bang your head on a brick wall....

GettingGoing Mon 01-Apr-13 23:11:51

'This is where I get into difficulties elastamum suggests one thing, LessMissAbs the complete opposite ' and what is this about? We can't decide for you! You need to make up your mind and stick with it. It doesn't matter what your friends think - do you think she is bad for you?

EggyFucker Mon 01-Apr-13 23:15:46

Stick my hand in a flame ? Well, somebody on t'internet said I should...

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Mon 01-Apr-13 23:16:59

What do your friends think?

GettingGoing Mon 01-Apr-13 23:17:26

Now you're being mean Eggy grin

EggyFucker Mon 01-Apr-13 23:17:59

Nah, am just pointing out that Op is being a bit silly

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 23:19:10

GettingGoing, I think it's a slim chance! If you've worked it out yet, PM me.

I'm actually going back to the US this summer by chance - well, not entirely by chance. My ex put me in contact with another researcher working on an area close to my field, and I have funding to go out to spend a few weeks writing a paper, it's an opportunity.

I see where some of you are coming from with the hope for reconciliation, after she realised she made a mistake and picked the wrong bloke.

If you're looking for a fuller picture, the first day of the conference, we went for a walk, that was meant to be around the block, and lasted three hours, and we discussed everything from chinese politics to tea, to the state of the american housing market, and we were inseparable for two weeks, and then we discovered we shared so many other things that we had in common, to our taste in art, to our taste in literature. we had a wonderful time, and then I think she messed it up, by not being able to end it with her ex.

elastamum Mon 01-Apr-13 23:19:24

Off you go then... but I expect like all great romantic tales, you will experience 10% ecstacy followed by 90% misery. But please have the decency to tell the poor girl in cornwall what is really going on and stop using her as your back up plan

GettingGoing Mon 01-Apr-13 23:19:39

They think he should steer clear KeepCool.

Rufus, I hate to put you under yet more pressure, but could you please make a decision about what you are going to do because I want to go to bed now and I want a happy ending ... as it were

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 23:20:09

I'm more likely with Eggy here, I know deep down she's trouble and has only caused me pain.

EggyFucker Mon 01-Apr-13 23:20:41

I think we have the Fuller Picture now grin

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 23:22:55

GettingGoing, I'm off to bed shortly, this has been a lot of venting. Clearly I still have feelings for this ex, but since she picked her ex, she has shown no signs of anything for me, and my new GF actually makes me feel happier.

Now I'm dripfeeding, I know it's my Ex's birthday today, which has made me think of her a little more

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Mon 01-Apr-13 23:23:50

Thanks GettingGoing
Just curious as to why his friends think he should steer clear?

GettingGoing Mon 01-Apr-13 23:25:50

'Just curious as to why his friends think he should steer clear? ' - how long have you got? grin

EggyFucker Mon 01-Apr-13 23:26:36

Rufus, can I just say (and I mean this kindly) you sound like a Romantic Fool.

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 23:26:51

My friends all take the attitude that she was a bad person - she fundamentally led me to believe that she was single and unattached, and was in love with me, encouraged me to fly out to a distant country and then told me she wasn't sure and went back with her ex. She didn't treat me brilliantly when I was there either, but that's another story

GettingGoing Mon 01-Apr-13 23:27:12

But before you go, what am I meant to have worked out?

GettingGoing Mon 01-Apr-13 23:27:48

Eggy, go away.

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 23:28:13

Eggy, I think you're right. My impression is you take a very level headed "this person didn't treat you well" attitude to things. "Stop it!" I am an idiot

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 23:28:43

I messaged you to say her identity, I don't think you'd work it out!

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 23:30:06

Or rather I didn't message you her identity, I meant that I don't think you'd have worked out her identity from my clues (coalminer's daughter from eastern europe, academic in US, etc)

Mumsyblouse Mon 01-Apr-13 23:31:08

This is nothing more than a 'conference fling' which are quite well-known to happen because being at a conference is nothing like being in real-life, you can waft about being intellectual and talking all night and it's lovely but, as I just said, it's not real-life. Don't go chasing after something that is not real-life, and when it was in her real-life didn't work at all.

By the way, be thankful she only had an 'ex' lurking in the background. I have a friend (I have a lot of friends, they are not all me in disguise you know) who met a wonderful guy at a conference in the States, they fell for each other, it was all so romantic, she got home, looked him up to find out that he was wearing a wedding band in his picture. She emailed him to ask what was going on, whereupon he revealed that yes, he was married, but his wife and him had an understanding blah blah

From everything you have said, I hope this has been cathartic, and you get a good night's sleep!

elastamum Mon 01-Apr-13 23:32:08

I am off to bed - you go off to the US in search of this woman if you want to OP, but dont expect it to end well...

EggyFucker Mon 01-Apr-13 23:33:00

This Guy says it better than me and he is a really nice and woo-type person

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 23:33:22

It was like a "conference plus fling". Conferences are normally only maybe three or four days - this was two and a half weeks, where we were together from 8am to 8pm (and then later if you liked)

GettingGoing Mon 01-Apr-13 23:33:35

Shh, reverse psychology, remember!

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 23:34:02

I'm siding with Eggy here Elastamum, I think it's madness, but it's fun to get it out

GettingGoing Mon 01-Apr-13 23:34:04

[that was @ Elastamum]

LessMissAbs Mon 01-Apr-13 23:34:05

I think you're unrealistic in expecting her to have dropped contact with the ex for a man she had spent two weeks with. Hence she did the decent thing and warned you before you arrived. It sounds like the ex was an ex, but one she was fond off, rather like the situation you are currently in and your new girlfriend (do you not see your hypocracy here?). Or a bit like if you do drum up some courage and arrange to see her on your trip to the States?

What did you expect her to do? Declare undying loyalty and drop off all contact with every man in her life? I think this is a tad possessive, at too early a stage.

I'm from a working class background - first in the family to go to university, 1st, PhD, etc, and we've both striven to prove ourselves academically, and we did see that in each other

Same here. I can't say its something I really think about a lot. Or ever. Seriously, who cares about these things once you've graduated? Its a job. Time to get over yourself! Most academics I know come from similar backgrounds. But my mother was a very free thinker, out and about doing things and never afraid, so a very positive female role model in that respect.

You sound terrified of taking a risk to me. Just a bit like she was in dropping off all contact with the ex. I see it as a positive sign that she was honest enough to tell you about him, rather than keeping it a secret. She quite possibly went back to him when you went all negative on her, and has realised it wasn't the real deal now.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Mon 01-Apr-13 23:34:55

Goodnight Rufus - hope you can sleep tonight without all this good advice whirling round and round your head - Good luck!

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 23:38:27

I'm off to bed very soon, I promise. It wasn't that she was in contact with her ex, as she had told me, and I was patient "take your time, I understand it's difficult, etc." However, when I was on the way to the airport, she wrote "I still have feelings for my ex. I still want you to come, but I don't know if we can be more than friends for now". This is what started the "romantic" holiday together.

GettingGoing Mon 01-Apr-13 23:38:34

Yes, goodnight Rufus and good luck (and do get some of those posts deleted, or you are going to end up with neither of them)

GettingGoing Mon 01-Apr-13 23:39:38

Cross posted. So why wait until you were in the car to the airport?

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 23:40:08

goodnight, KeepCalm

elastamum Mon 01-Apr-13 23:40:25

OP If you really want to find never ending unconditional love - have you thought about ditching the girlfriends and getting a dog?

A few yrs back I rehomed my troublesome husband and now have 3 labradoodles, much more rewarding and a whole lot less hassle grin

Now thats the sort of really useful advice you get on a mums forum...

EggyFucker Mon 01-Apr-13 23:41:04

Rufus, c'mere now and sit close to me

Listen to zis, vairy carefullyyy

You had a daft holiday romance, talked about shit until silly o'clock. Watched a few sunrises etc. Shagged yourselves daft, got taken in by some romantic being a Nice guy thought you must lurrrve her.

Except she lied to you about still being involved with an ex. She invited you over to another country on false pretext, dumped you with her parents and sent you a text at the 11th hour to warn you off. She "didn't treat you well" after you spend zillions (money-wise and emotionally-wise) on making the trip.

Then she dumps you.

Then she messages you to have a stealth boast about her new salary (knowing you liable to have your head turned by all that) and drops it in that she is no longer with the ex.

She is looking for another ego boost, and you are the current patsy she has chosen to supply it.

You getting me ?

Take the advice on your thread to cut contact with the headfuck before your Nice New Girlfriend kicks you into touch for being a dick

Ok ?

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 23:43:48

Eggy, I'm very much with you here. I see some here think I wasn't courageous enough, but I think I gave it my all - I truly do

elastamum Mon 01-Apr-13 23:45:39

If you are courageous, you will walk away and find something much better

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 23:46:09

my head is with you elastamum

LessMissAbs Mon 01-Apr-13 23:47:28

Faced with that, and a month on holiday seeing the woman you love OP, why didn't you rise to the challenge? Go all out to make it the best time ever, impress her, win her over, etc.? You sound so passive and like a passenger who can only respond to things, not initiate. I'm sure you have told strangers on a dating site far more about your feelings for her than her!

Do you suffer from negative feelings/anxiety in other areas of your life, and have you considered counselling for it?

Because whats the betting that these thoughts and feelings of your resurface when the new relationship isn't so new and perfect. If all that it takes is a one day holiday on your own...

GettingGoing Mon 01-Apr-13 23:49:20

But your heart isn't, or it wouldn't be 23.49pm, my husband wouldn't be tapping his feet having waited up for me for an extra 40 minutes and we wouldn't be 133 messages down.

Of course you should walk away - we established that in the first ten posts. But you're not going to, are you? You are going to go to the US in the summer and start things up again, I suspect, because that's the way I think you work.

LessMissAbs Mon 01-Apr-13 23:50:24

Come on Eggy, mumsnet is not generally a place for grand passions! The sheer disapproval of meeting someone at a conference!! It is full of posts encouraging posters to settle for someone and drive out any such feelings from their minds in favour of practicality and raising a family!

Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 23:52:31

I'm really going to have to say goodnight, it's been fun

GettingGoing Mon 01-Apr-13 23:52:59


Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 23:53:17

And I've appreciated both sides to the coin that have been presented here. Thanks. I'm sure I'll be back tomorrow, but thank you, all of you

Anyfucker's last post is spot on.

Good night and go no contact for good.

EggyFucker Mon 01-Apr-13 23:54:35

yes, it's been fun smile

GettingGoing Tue 02-Apr-13 01:21:57

Oh my God, this is an April Fool, isn't it. We've been had!

I don't think so.

corblimeymadam Tue 02-Apr-13 08:11:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rufus20 Tue 02-Apr-13 08:41:07

I wish this were an April Fool's joke, but it's not!

GettingGoing Tue 02-Apr-13 09:38:02

But in the cold light of day, isn't it obvious what you need to do?

Rufus20 Tue 02-Apr-13 09:40:09

Interestingly, I'm no longer friends with her on FB - a mutual friend of mine messaged me to tell me she's changed her status to "in a relationship with X".

So, was her telling me they were breaking up just another manipulative ploy, and I didn't bite

boyfromipinema Tue 02-Apr-13 09:45:41

To be honest I think you should give it a go with your ex and end the relationship with your current girlfriend.
Why? To give yourself some peace of mind.
You have put your ex on a pedestal and unless you are mentally strong enough to consign her to history and move on I suggest you meet her for one of two reasons:
1. To knock her off it.
2. To see if there still is a spark and if she is clear about her intentions. If you are satisfied then rekindle the relationship.
I don't think you are as enamoured with your current girlfriend as you claim. If you were you would not be on this site writing about an ex who you clearly still love.
I've been in the same position and got back with an ex who ended it with me after a very short and intense relationship. She came back and I needed to see her for the reasons I stated above. However, I didn't have a girlfriend at the time.

GettingGoing Tue 02-Apr-13 09:57:23

I agree with*Boy*. It is so obvious that you need to leave well alone, that if you really can't see that/feel that I think you need to give it another shot.

I also think Cornwall girl is not right for you - it's all too logical and you clearly don't feel anything.

GettingGoing Tue 02-Apr-13 09:59:55

The Facebook and salary things are her attempts to get to you and they seem to have worked. I think she understands you more than you understand her.

Rufus20 Tue 02-Apr-13 10:13:03

she definitely knows how to manipulate my feelings

GettingGoing Tue 02-Apr-13 20:17:08


Rufus20 Tue 02-Apr-13 20:26:58


why bump? What more is there to say, surely? This has been done to death and the OP has admitted he should move on and do the right thing by his new (lucky?) gf?.
Or is he needing more?

Rufus20 Tue 02-Apr-13 21:16:18

you're right, there's nothing really more to say.

nkf Tue 02-Apr-13 21:18:13

This is a situation where it is actually all about you. This is a very very short relationship that has thrown up all sorts of doubts and insecurities in you. Deal with them rather than angsting over her motivation. You may never know what was in it for her. And all this FB satus stuff - that's for teenagers. And even then it's a bit tragic.

Rufus20 Mon 08-Apr-13 13:36:38

I'm mainly replying to get this out - I had a lovely weekend with my new ex, and feel a lot better about my work, about my self - I wrote to my ex to say I don't think we can be friends, especially, while's she still with her ex

She replied to say she misses me, our intellectual connection, our conversation, she wants to ask me about her new job, she's scared, and if she goes she'll be alone. It stirs up a load of emotions again.

GettingGoing Mon 08-Apr-13 13:49:51

'I had a lovely weekend with my new ex' a bit of a Freudian slip there!

Rufus20 Mon 08-Apr-13 13:50:56

whoops, it is a bit - perhaps that's my pessimism shining through

GettingGoing Mon 08-Apr-13 13:57:14

What does she mean 'if she goes'? If she goes where? If she splits up with him?

Rufus20 Mon 08-Apr-13 13:59:50

She's been offered a new job 3000 miles from where she currently lives with her boyfriend (the ex). She's writing to me, asking me her opinion, telling me she's scared, that if she goes she'll "have to go into a whole new place and situation and start over alone" - to which I take she is yet again splitting up with her ex, and using me as an emotional crutch

GettingGoing Mon 08-Apr-13 14:07:24

So if you don't want to be used as an emotional crutch, don't be. Just repeat what you told her before.

I think if you wanted to get away from her, you would have blocked her e-mail address by now. So I'm assuming you are still pretty hung up on her. Is this somewhere you too could work? Is this what she is asking you, to go with her? Or is she telling you because you couldn't go to the new location but you can work where she is now?

Rufus20 Mon 08-Apr-13 14:17:54

I simply don't know - it's obvious I'm still hung up on her - and she gives me the impression that she definitely still has feelings for me - but she treated me badly. She told me she thinks about me a lot - but it doesn't make a lot of sense at all - she treated me badly, I don't trust her

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now