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What do I do with this new info? Gutted and angry.(109 Posts)
I have nchanged as my other profile has so much info on it would out with me with this as well. I have other threads in the past, so you may recognise some details but please don't out me.
My parents fostered all my life and I was sexually abused by a foster brother for several years. I asked my mum for him to leave when I was 15 (she knew what was happening but not the full extent) but was told by her that she had never had a fostering placement fail and was not about to start now. I took myself off to boarding school, and we have had a difficult relationship ever since as I struggle to come to terms with what happened and how she acted, even now as an adult.
When I became pregnant I was on my own throughout, and she was a tower of strength and support. Our relationship has always been like this - episodes of closeness then something will happen, and we both find it hard to even be near each other. I moved back into her home when my ds was 3 weeks old, and I am still here - although I have a move date to my new home at the end of april
Tonight she gave me her old phone as mine is broken, and I synced it with my sim and computer. It has somehow combined our calenders - and moved her calender entries into mine (I honestly have no idea what the hell I have done to manage this)
The first entry was "Whatafuckingmess is on my mind as usual, her poor ds will suffer the brunt of her his whole life"
I have then I fully admit looked at other entries on the calender (it's not a diary, its more like at 1pm such and such happened thing).
It would seem that the only comments she makes are about me, and are all negative and horribly hurtful about how badly I care for my ds, she has said she thinks I am mentally deranged, my son is suffering by being with me, that I am "my usual mean, deluded self" and that I think I am in control but am not and god help us all. There is more of the same, but you get the gist.
My little boy is my life, I am gutted. She is downstairs now with visiting family and I am hiding in my room like a bloody 12 year old. Where do I go from here? What the hell do I do?
Oh I have no idea where you would go from here but seriously WTF what a fucking cow she is argh
Somehow you need to survive a month under her roof and then branch out on your own accepting that she'll never really be there for you.
I can't stop crying, I just never thought she would say those things. I'm mortified she feels that way about how I care for my ds.
I'm having psychotherapy at the moment to try and have a better relationship with her, and part of me just thinks whats the point. But she is my mum, she is the only one I have.
she sounds vile OP, I'm so sorry you have had to put up with her treating you like that. No advice, but hand holding until some comes along.
I would take this to your therapist, it's a big thing to come to terms with.
She doesn't sound a good mother my sweet
Is there any chance of counselling? For you I mean. She's behaved horribly, both when you were a child by not protecting you & now by writing such horrible things now. She may be jealous or something now but who knows. Look our for yourself xx
Ah you are having psychotherapy - that's good
Does she also look at her calendar on a computer?
Is there any chance that when she checks her calendar that she will see any of your entries if the two calendars have combined?
Sorry, no idea on how to sort it but might be worth thinking about and posting something in the tech/geek session in case people there know how to sort it...
My therapist has taken Easter off, her timing is rubbish!
Right. I need to keep calm and stop crying. I need to keep myself together until April.
She truly believes what she has written, she really thinks those things about me and my son. I hope she is wrong, I am gutted she thinks that, but I hope it isn't right and I am so screwed up that I can't see it.
Sorry, meant to say I think your mother has behaved abysmally and doesn't sound fit to be a foster mother.
Hope you manage to get through the month with her and can then permanently escape her clutches.
My calander is pretty empty - I use it literally as a 3pm health visitor type of thing.
Thank you all for replying. I have had such a shitty shock I didn't know what to do
I'm so sorry What. It sounds as though she is projecting all HER guilt and blame onto you, otherwise she may have to face up to the fact that she allowed one of her placements to sexually abuse you. I bet she knew more than she let on. She needs you to be the repository for all her anger and guilt. As Random says talk it through with your therapist but it sounds as though you'd be better off without her in your life. It sounds as though despite a horrible upbringing you are doing a much better job with your son than she managed with you. She might also be very jealous of your parenting skills - another reason to dump all her toxic shit on you.
Can I just point out that her parenting skills meant she failed to address what was happening to you in order to save face, please don't worry what she thinks of you and take whatever steps you can to build your own support system of friends.
My therapist thinks (god, never thought I'd be the sort of person who started sentances like that!) that she needs to be Alpha mum as that has been how she has been defined for much of her life, and that when she knocks me and thinks she knows better than me it is because when it comes to my son I am alpha mum and it knocks her positon. Does that make sense? I'm not sure I am thinking clearly.
I don't know how to react to this. She is downstairs with my brother and his family. I can't say anything, but I can't pretend I'm ok. I feel so bloody alone.
Wow. It is strange to even put those kinds of thoughts down. Why is she doing that?? It is kind of attention seeking, ie writing stuff down imagining someone will read it?
How old is your baby OP? Stick with him and carry on with your counselling, you will not fuck him up,you sounds like you are putting him first and trying to sort yourself out.
I wonder if she feels guilty about fucking your life up, her entry about him suffering the brunt of you kind of sounds like what you are doing, ie suffering from what she allowed to happen to you?
Is there anyone else you can trust? Is your dad about, would he be able to support you? Big (((((hug)))))).
She sounds like a narcisist - there's information out on the net about narcississtic mothers. Shame there wasn't an internet or a word about this sort of personality when I was growing up with my (adoptive) mother who also acted this way. The thing that jumped out at me was that she wanted to "save face" more than protect you. It's always about her isn't it? Even more than your safety. Please read about it. I'm reading "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?" by Karyl McBride, it's a good start.
It isn't the abusive brother is it????????? If not (I hope not) is he on your side?
I would focus on how you are going to live your life from now on, concentrate on all the amazing things you will do with your son. Do you know where you will go from here accommodation wise?
You are not alone.x
Yes that does make sense (what your therapist says) - it's what I meant by maybe she's jealous
Thank you all, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply.
It's not the abusive brother no - his placement eventually ended when he was caught raping some one else. This brother isn't on my side particularly though, I think he thinks I need to get over it.
Our mum is lovely, really, she is so outwardly helpful and the perfect grandmother and mother. I have always been made out to be a drama queen (she said that was why she never knew if I was exaggerating the abuse because I always made such a drama of things) my brother believes that I am creating a drama too and that it was a long time ago. My dad died when i was 21, so he isn't around either.
I will look up that book jo thank you, I have put on here before about an issue with her undermining me and how I look after my son, and someone else, cogito perhaps, thought she was a narc too. I looked at the stately home thread at their suggestion, and it frightened me as so much resonated.
I just feel like she is my mum, my bloody mum, and she thinks those things about me. I just can't pretend that this is ok, and carry on as if I don't know.
Blimey. So you must be second guessing your reaction to everything, what a nightmare for you. Sorry about your dad
So the end of April can't come quickly enough for you ( I read the thread back properly and see that you can move out then). Will you get some proper independence then?
What can you see happening if you ask her about it? Could you write it down instead? Do you think she would respond or just make you feel like you were creating a drama? So sorry about this, having a little baby is hard enough,
Didn't want to read and run. So sorry that your mum has written those dreadful things. How awful for you.
Sorry, yes, I move the end of April. I have rented a house about 20 mins away in a lovely area that I can afford (once I have the rest of the deposit saved up) My little boy is actually 1 now so I guess not that little any more, but I wanted him to have family around him (more than just me) and my mum was always asking me to stay and not move out.
I think if I asked she would close down and say I was making a fuss and that she truly believes what she has written. I have tried to approach her in the past about the way she talks to me, and just smiles and walks away. She won't talk - she really believes she is right and that I just can't see it.
I honestly don't know what I would write down. I mean, what could I say? I don't know how to get over this except to put distance between us, and I'm scared I will try and pretend this hasn't happened because I don't want to lose out on having her in my life.
I feel a bit like I'm going mad! I'm sorry if I am repeating myself or sounding self pitying, I have just had a bit of a shock I guess. I need to pull myself together.
What an awful irony it is that she is saying that you are an awful mother when the choice she gave you was to continue being sexually abused or to leave home. How dare she offer a home to an abuser when the result was to have her own child leave that home?
In my opinion, she is narcissistic. She didn't want to lose the placement (when surely the golden rule of fostering is that your own children are not harmed by the fostered child) because she thought that would indicate she had failed. It was not about her! The boy needed a place of safety where he could be treated and you needed a place of safety where you would be protected. She needed to act like an adult and help you and arrange for him to be helped.
I wouldn't want anything more to do with her, personally. She is NOT lovely. She is NOT a good mother or a good grandmother. She is awful. Really awful. I'm so sorry you have to cope with her.
I was about to write but Imperial B put it better than I could! Really feel for you x
She is all I have. I really don't have anyone else, and to be honest, she doesn't really have anyone either. I'm scared in case she is right - We have fights and I shout at her. I am a grown woman of 32 but it feels like we are stuck in this cycle of parent / child.
I think my greatest fear is that I'm not enough for my son, and that I will mess him up just by being me - and there it is, in writing, in front of me confirming that she agrees.
imperial I know what you mean, i'm not ignoring you - in the past I have had periods where I have thought that I would be better off cutting her out of my life, she says of the past that she made the wrong decision but that I can't keep throwing it back in her face. She still fosters now though, it feels like she blames me for drawing attention to what happened.
Ah what a sodding mess
She doesn't sound nice. I am not surprised you feel like you are going mad. I know people always say this, but could you show her this? Although I am sure she would find a way to make you feel more shit.
If I were you I would use your counselling to thrash this out, try to reduce the amount if time you spend with her, and how much you rely on her (hurry up end of April) and build your and your DS's life up so that you are happy just the two of you. Does that sound feasible, I know it sounds kind of simple, and I have no experience of what you have been through.
Do you have many friends nearby?
Sorry, that came out wrong - I didn't mean you thought I was ignoring you, more that I was taking on board what you were saying.
She is projecting her guilt and faults on to you. Please totally disregard everything she wrote - she wasn't writing about you, she was referring to herself and deep down she knows it.
You are a good mum and she was the one who was shite. Be strong and see her for the total letdown that she is.
charlie I think she would say I have taken it out of context if I showed her this thread, I don't know. I don't think I would have the balls to do it.
I am so wishing my therapist wasn't off at the moment - she doesn't half pick her moments!
I am moving to an area nearer my best friend, but she is the only person really in my life at the moment as my ex dp sort of isolated me (another thread, I promise I'm not generally so fucked up as I appear here) My mum doesn't agree with me moving out though, and I'm scared if I'm honest. I think having a life for just me and ds with total independence was / is what I was aiming for - but striving for something, and having it enforced because of how someone feels about you feel like 2 different things. It's all just a bit scary and overwhelming and sad.
Thank you everyone for replying, I really am so appreciative.
You think you will 'mess him up just by being me' because she has insidiously undermined you and knocked your confidence so badly. This has come from her, so of course she 'agrees'!
I agree with the other posters - she allowed this boy to sexually abuse you and then undermined your argument / confidence by saying you were being melodramatic. It's classic abuse - make you into the problem by saying your reaction is wrong. Should you have accepted him raping you so as to not cause a fuss?!
I don't wish to worry you more add a note of caution, if you moved with your ds at 3 weeks old and he has since grown up in her house. Does she actually not want you to leave?
The fact the commments are all timed and dated is a little erie for me. She works (or has done) within the social care system. Are you absolutely certain she is not trying to gain care of him?
i.e. these are comments written for others to serve a purpose. Can you remember any of the events she describes and does it even come close to her version of eents?
Hey you!!!! You will be so fine with your little boy! Don't you dare doubt yourself!!!! Yes it is scary but because it is new and you have been beaten down for so long. You will be superb.
Wonder where you are, I am eastern ish if you are anywhere nearby.
You will rock I promise.
Our mum is lovely, really, she is so outwardly helpful and the perfect grandmother and mother.
Um. No she isn't. Unless on her terms, with her 'on top' and you below - as in when you were pregnant. And because you're moving to be closer to your friend and out of her 'control' she clearly doesn't like it.
I'm really glad you're seeing a therapist. I'm sure they'll help you see that she is being vile to you.
Is there any chance you could move out sooner?
DorisIsWaiting might have a point, she may wish to prevent you from leaving by undermining your parenting abilities and mental health. Play your cards very close to your chest. Is there any way you could move out sooner? Be wary of her and her motives.
Doris's words have just chilled me. I am really shocked that your mum is still fostering. I know you won't do this but I would love you to tell social services what happened and tell them that you told your mum it was happening, too.
I think the sooner you get out of the house the better. Do you think there is any possibility she might be thinking of fostering her own grandchild? I am very worried about these notes she's making - who is going to read them?
OP I'm sorry but I agree with Doris. This just all seems a little too calculated, especially as she obviously knows how to play the system. Can you start your own diary she won't find, where you record what you do for and how you feel about your son, and when your mum tries to undermine you? Talk to your therapist when you can too.
I don't want to be alarmist but this woman has form.
I would say move in with a friend as soon as possible (understand that might not be possible )
Try not to feel that you're having moving out enforced on you OP. I'm not surprised you feel scared, it's a big change, but it's what you've been aiming for for you and your little boy. That hasn't changed and you can start to build a new life for the two of you.
I don't know much about technology, so I might be completely wrong, but is it possible she might have thought that at some time you would read what she had written? It sounds such an odd place to write all her thoughts, and then to give you the phone, it's almost as if she hoped you'd see it. She sounds spiteful enough to have done something like that in an effort to undermine you further.
Keep looking forward. And good luck in your new home.
Sorry - ds keeps waking, I haven't gone, will reply asap
Our mum is lovely, really, she is so outwardly helpful and the perfect grandmother and mother.
Um. No she isn't. Unless on her terms, with her 'on top' and you below - as in when you were pregnant. And because you're moving to be closer to your friend and out of her 'control' she clearly doesn't like it.
I'm really glad you're seeing a therapist. I'm sure they'll help you see that she is being vile to you.
Is there any chance you could move out sooner?
She sounds toxic and these types of people always want and look good to everyone else apart from the scapregoat. Can I also recommend this book www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0385304234/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=deeplperso-21&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=0385304234
And the Stately homes thread is always a safe place to talk about this sort thing.
The sooner you're out and have some boundaries in place the better but it's so painful for you right now, you must be reeling.
Your therapist has nailed it. She has to be Alpha mum and she has to be someone's saviour. She is happy when you are down and she can see herself as being your champion, the one who saves you, picks you up and keeps you going - so she has to believe that you are a rubbish mum and only manage with her help. The awful incident with your foster brother fits with this because if she'd had to admit that he had wronged you terribly, then her image as his saviour would be shattered - so you, the victim, had to be told that you had got it wrong, and had to go. And of course she was a 'tower of strength' during your pregnancy - it was a golden opportunity to be the saviour again. No wonder you doesn't want you to move out. She is terrified you will actually be fine on your own!
Listen, this woman is not a good mother because a good mother would want the best for you (like you do for your DS, right?) and she doesn't.
But there's good news! The good news is that because she is so screwy, the stuff she wrote means nothing. Whatever she thinks, it is the opinion of a seriously screwed-up person. Her judgement means nothing. In fact, as has been astutely pointed out above, she may well be manoevring her to solidify this idea of you as a no-good mother for her own gain. Tread very carefully.
I would not be surprised, thinking about it, if she had done the phone thing deliberately. On the other hand, we can't be sure. But in any case, what it tells you is that long-term, she can't be trusted to help you as there are strings attached. So at some point you need to look for other support, and I bet people on here can help you find it. But focus on moving out - if you can possibly speed that up, then do it. You are going to do just fine, better than fine, with your DS. Her words are very hurtful but they're not true.
Sorry, I am back - ds wanted to get up and play.... just what I needed!
I understand what you are all saying about her maybe wanting control of DS and knowing the system, however (totally outing self here) due to a recent incident there is not a chance of that happening. She fosters 2 young adults who have been severely sexually abused and have abused others - a recent risk assessment has said she cannot childmind or have other children here unsupervised. This is a massive part of why I am moving out, I don't feel I can leave ds alone at any point, I'm a nervous wreck. The risk assessment was at my instigation and she thinks I am over reacting and that social services don't understand how on top of it she is and that she knows best.
I know she comes across badly here, I really do, but this is just one side of her - I think that is what makes it so hard and confusing. She will be lovely tomorrow, and then she says I throw things back in her face. Or if I pretend all is ok, then I am being manic. I just feel like I can't win.
I wish I could move out sooner, but realistically I need until end of April to save, I have been looking at getting a temporary loan but I have been turned down and so I can't really see a way out.
My self confidence is crap, which I am analysing with therapist, but I really am terrified I won't cope on my own. I'm scared, I was always scared, but this just makes me feel like on the one hand I am right to be and that I won't cope, but on the other hand that she is wrong and I need to cut her out my life. I swing between the two and I'm driving myself up the wall with it!
I used to be like this. Scared that I wouldn't be able to cope on my own. You need to bite the bullet and just do it. You will cope, believe me. I wished that I'd had the confidence to have done it years sooner.
You will cope. You will. My god, don't stay there a minute longer than necessary. Have that baby stuck to you like glue.
I think her image of herself is of a saviour, but she is neglecting you in order to maintain it. Why on earth would she want you to move in with your baby if she is fostering two severely damaged people?????? (I don't disagree with her fostering damaged teenagers but wanting you and your baby to move in is weird)
You will be fine.
Sounds like you're struggling with obligation and guilt with your Mum but it's ok to feel how you do and it's ok to struggle to let go when she's hurt you and it's ok to have instigated that risk assessment. Although I can only imagine how that would have rubbed her up the wrong way, almost like she felt you were questioning her competency. But it was absolutely the right thing to do.
Your head is probably in a bit of a muddle right now but keep talking if it helps, as it may also help you to solidify plans and feel clearer about things.
Moving out is a big step but you will be fine, I promise and when you live in your own little place, it will be such a place of peace and calm. You will relax so much more. Everything is clearer in retrospect.
ok, please indulge me here, but what if I'm the problem and I just don't realise it?
I have been horrible to her in the past - I have flown off the handle at things she has said, I have cried for no reason, I have appeared flighty because I have just upped and left. My life up to having ds was a mess, even though I appeared to be functioning normally.
If she came on here and posted as herself as a concerned mother, with her slant on things, then people would be slating me and saying she needed to support me.
What if I'm the problem and I'm just defending myself when I shouldn't be? I just don't know any more. I really can't see the wood for the tree's
And now I'm sodding crying again! Thank you and sorry everyone.
Ok the fact that social services have got it all wrong and she is right (seems to ring some bells with your OP only in that case you were wrong).
She really is ALWAYS right isn't she!?
You are a good mum (you are concerned have had risk assesments done etc etc) You are putting him first.
|Distance will help make you and even better mum as you remember how to be independent. She wants you dependent on her and that's not what a good mother does .
Oh love, if my spare room wasn't currently occupied I'd come and get you and your DS now
She's your Mum so I'm trying to be gentle with how I say this - but it's not going to be easy to hear anyway. She chose to ignore that you, her own daughter, was being sexually abused so she didn't lose face. She should not be fostering AT ALL, let alone others that have been sexually abused. Her behaviour isn't healthy. Really, you should speak to social services about her.
Please consider asking your friend if you can stay with her - it's only a month.
Do you have anyone else you trust, that you could ask and get an honest opinion from, their view on how you are with your DS?
I'm afraid she's angling to get your DS too She would drop the other fostered kids if she had to, to get your DS wouldn't she?
I'm sorry you lost your Dad at such a young age too
Ok. The fact that she knew you were being raped and didn't do anything about it how's that she is failing as a mother here. You are not.
Honestly from what you've said so far, she sounds fucking hideous. You have your own little son who you fiercely love and feel protective over. She wants you and him to stay in a house where children are not allowed to be. She has questionable motives and you are not mad or the problem.
Just adding support OP.
Neither you or your DS need her in your life though I understand how tangled it all is.
You will cope, you will.
Look at how you are coping now (and have in the past)
You are capable of much more than you give yourself credit for
You get to choose how you and your child live and how you rear him.
Your new place will be lovely...a haven for you both.
And you don't have to share that with anyone OP.
You can keep it just for you and DS, and only those who care for you.
Honestly, you are hardly alone in having flown off the handle at your mum or cried for no reason. For most of us that is pretty common teenage / young person experience. But because you have been made to feel that when bad stuff happens, it must somehow be your fault, even that seems like it's you doing something terrible again.
If you want to make a good life for yourself and your little boy, I think you are on the right track. Believe in yourself.
YY what snazzy said. Believe in yourself.
You are so not the problem
Your life being 'messy' up until you had your DS is no surprise, you poor thing.
Your mother condoned you being abused to save face.
She sounds dangerous tbh.
It is hideous she chose to treat you that way.
She is not qualified to judge your parenting skills, and undermining your self confidence is what skilled emotional abusers do.
Stay focused on the end goal of getting out. Your therapist will be back in no time and you can talk to her to get the perspective you need.
In the meantime, keep talking here because there's lots of experience on MN.
Agree with Imperial and others. She sounds fucked up.
Focus on your son, continue to be the best mum you can be for him and don't let her hold you back from that being your focus.
Your eyes have been opened today, that's a good thing, turn your tears and anger into positive energy for your son and go with your instinct, not your doubts.
She's the problem and when you're free of her you'll feel a lot better imo.
I just wanted to say I haven't disappeared, ds really playing up.... bloody teeth!
Thank you all for your replies, I'm going to lie down on his floor now to settle him so will reply properly tomorrow.
I'm really grateful, beyond grateful, for your help and time. There is so much for me to think about, my head is a bit battered but I will be back tomorrow (as a zombie given ds not sleeping it would seem)
Thank you again x
Having read your most recent posts about the boys she's fostering, I'm absolutely staggered that she would encourage you to stay living with her. Is she absolutely mad?
She really does have grandiose pretensions. She thinks she can manage two boys who've suffered awful abuse and who are at risk of abusing others. She thinks she managed the boy who lived there when you were a child, too, didn't she? Don't you realise what Social Services would say if they heard you were abused by a child in their care? Don't you realise the legal case they would have to answer? Do they know you're living there now? I would be amazed to hear that they thought that was alright.
I also wanted to add to the chorus that this is simply not about you and your failings as a mother (as you sound very protective and sensible, so what if you cry and feel down, or do a runner if put in a very difficult situation, you have pulled it together to move near a good friend with your little one, so well done for that). Your mum is seriously not able to protect you and you are doing the right thing by removing yourself, taking on sexually abused children who abuse others when she KNOWS you yourself were abused in her own home by another child is just unbelievable and very dangerous.
Please remove yourself from this household as soon as possible, your instinct is to flee it and you are completely right. Don't worry if you have natural emotions, or shout, so what? You will be fine on your own, indeed I think it will be the making of you to start parenting without your mum around- you do not need her to do this, indeed you need to be away from her and her very malign influence.
Nothing you have said about the way you have behaved justifies putting you and your son at risk, sorry, she is in the wrong.
She reckons she knows better than professional social workers that she can protect other children from children damaged by sexual abuse who are a danger to others? Well you know better. It didn't work out very well last time, did it? And you paid the consequences and she didn't protect you even after she knew because she cared more about her reputation?
I wonder if you ever were able to tell social workers that work with your mother what happened to you. I think her suitability as a foster carer, especially in cases affected by sexual abuse, would be put into question. Its a huge child protection issue. Placements break down for many reasons which are nobody's fault, its just circumstances. I would worry about what other things she's covered up to hold together unsuitable placements.
I see why you struggle against the things you know about her that don't fit with her 'perfect mum' persona that she tries to convince everyone that she is, particuarly through fostering.
Whenever you doubt your mothering skills (and if you were really an awful mother then you probably wouldn't be striving to be the best mother you can be and trying to improve yourself through therapy) please remember that you have already improved upon her parenting in at least one major way:
Your mother knew you were being sexually abused and covered it up to protect her reputation. Even if she was uncertain if your allegations were 100% true ( ) she should have reported it to her social worker, and they should have ended the placement as precaution and investigated it. She failed you as your mother and she failed professionally in terms of child protection.
You identified a potential risk of sexual abuse to your baby. You raised your concerns, had the risk evaluated and are now leaving your home in order to protect him. He hasn't been abused. He hasn't come to you and said that he has been abused. You had less to go on than your mum and you reacted with a wonderful, normal mothering instinct to protect him from harm.
Hold onto that difference between you whenever you doubt yourself as a mum. Your work in therapy, and by using self-help parenting books/courses/threads on MN to identify normal parenting (in case you haven't been shown a good example) will add to your already excellent mothering instincts, and reassure you overtime that the 'perfect parent' your mum pretends to be doesn't exist, but that you are a great parent who cares about your son's feelings and development as well as his safety, and that is more than good enough to not 'mess him up'.
Take care, be kind to yourself, and try to build up connections with other mums through groups. This will have a dual purpose of building up friendships so you don't feel so isolated from others and dependant on your mum/any future partner and also keeping your expectations of being a parent grounded in reality. No one is perfect. But you'll probably surprise yourself with how good you are when you aren't comparing yourself to your mum's double standards.
She doesnt want to discuss anything with you because she knows that all you say is true and she simply cant face that fact. And taking in sexually abusive placements and being "successful" with them proves (to her) that the problem with the other placement was you not her or the foster son.
I am not in a habit of saying this but I would seriously consider cutting her off.
Oh and she is not "nice" sometimes either, she is smiling because you are behaving in the way she wants you to, the second you step out of line she becomes the REAL her, the her that doesnt care two fucks about how you feel as long as she is happy.
Everyone else is wording what I'd try to say to you. In sorry this has happened. Dry your eyes now pick up your beautiful baby and know that you are a wonderful mummy and she is jealous and there is nothing you can do for her, this is her issues to sort through not yours. You have this beautiful baby now who is the most important person in the world. Think on that, live on that and you will believe in yourself and realise you are doing a great job. You've been through enough, life is not supposed to be this hard. Love yourself and your baby and you will get through. Night night xxx
It sounds to me as though your previous behaviour is a direct result of you trying to protect yourself in various ways. Don't forget we all have bad days and teen outbursts in our youth. Add to this it would seem that you haven't figured out how to deal with her yet (no mean feat by the sounds of it!) I imagine you have been trying everything to see what will work.
You sound like a very thoughtful mum, ironically unlike her. You will be amazed at how strong you are - see what you have dealt with already? - and how much you will be able to do alone. If you aren't ready to cut contact then just try to minimize visits to when suits you, don't let her control them. You have your own life and she is not the mother now, you are.
Good luck, and I hope you got some sleep
Hey Whata, you know what? All mothers make mistakes, nobody is perfect all the time (apart from narcs..). It takes a lot of courage to get help when you need it and you are having therapy to address your issues: THIS a) makes you the polar opposite to your mother and b) gives you a good chance of being an even more wonderful mother than you already sound like you are.
You mentioned things like crying for no reason, shouting etc (sorry, on phone so can't quote) as negative things. While they might be confusing, please don't downplay what happened to you early in your life: a great betrayal by your primary caregiver and role model. I am no expert on these things and have not been in the same situation, but know from my own life that terrible things that happen to us as we are growing up, be it 5 or 15 years old, have a way of expressing themselves in odd ways because we couldn't fully process them at the time and/or weren't in a situation where we had control over much.
You have been through a lot, you are working to deal with it and in the meantime you ARE being a good mother (I am certain I've read another of your posts).
Your mother may have been/may be nice to you most of the time, even all the time, but that can in NO WAY erase what she did before. It's sad, but it's what has happened and SHE is to blame, as is the brother, but absolutely not you.
She is not the only family you have: you have a wonderful little boy and it's your job to make sure he's happy and healthy. He comes first. I know from experience that thinking that way is not easy, but it can be liberating!
I don't know what she's up to with the calendar entries, but they're vile. I can't imagine how devastating they were to find, but please remember that you are doing great things for yourself and your DS's future and do not need validation, ESPECIALLY on your mothering skills, from this woman. You ALREADY ARE a good mother.
I hope you get some sleep tonight!
I can tell you (because I know) moving into your own place is going to be so good for you, you can make a calm and peaceful home, your fortress, and only let in the people and things that do you good and make you happy. You can focus on all the positive things, and give your boy the love and care he needs on your own terms. As for your mum,she very much needs to be kept at arms length, take only what you need from her, you probably have a lot more power over her than you realise, she's critical of you because you hold a mirror up to her. Get rid of that negative mantra you are using - am I the problem? NO! Try - I am going to make a happy life for my child and me,full of positive things.
These pages are full of women who got out of a shitty situation and built something positive, you absolutely can do it, you've already started.
She let you be abused, and minimised it.
She let you go to boarding school rather than herndealing with your abuser.
She is now housing two abusers with her gc in the house and her abused daughter.
She constantly undermines and insults you.
I know exactly who I think is the better mother, and it's not her.
I also know who your son is going to be better off with, and again, it's not her.
Once you've got some distance between you please don't let her pop round as and when. You need to spend as much time apart from her as you can.
Didn't want to read and run, but you sound a good mum to me. You have done well to stay so long, and of course you will manage in your new home with your lovely ds. And she wants you to stay for control. The house you are in sounds very stressful and nt being able to relax and leave your ds at all, even with her- who knows if when you are out she lets the fostered children play with your ds.
You are doing the right thing.
With regards to the calendar I would use a paper one I kept in my bag and keep my passwords changed. Plus could you print and then clear all her notes? Would she notice? It seems very odd she has kept dated notes.
Would it be a good idea would be to speak to your hv alone and discuss your concerns and move? I'm sure she would agree with you, plus if she has no concerns ( and you would know) then your mind might be at rest in that score as well, as some posters have expressed concern about her note taking, which might be worth thinking about.
I think you've spent so long being EA by her that you don't know what's real any more.
She has not been a good mother to you. She allowed you to be abused rather than protecting you. Any support she offers now is on her terms, she wants control of your son.
You are a good mum. As hard as it is, you need to separate yourself from her, for both your sakes.
You are a fantastic mum. Seriously, if your mum came on here posting about you, the only way she'd get the responses you think would be if she lied. You on the other hand are much more fair and balanced and self-aware. Your little boy is so lucky to have you as his mum. And I'm so glad your mum's current situation means she can in no way challenge your right to parent him.
If you can stay with a friend the next few weeks, do so - but if you can't, please have faith in your own self as a mum and a person. If you wobble, come back here whenever you need to!
Ok. If your phones hadn't synced would have had any indication whatsoever that she felt this way about you?
You say you are in therapy, that in its self to some people is a 'red flag' regarding MH issues - and some people are dreadfully afraid of MH problems.
The job she has done for many years, fostering, will have brought her into contact with all manner of 'damaged' people. I suppose life in its self makes arm chair psychologists of us all (you only have to look at opinion on this forum to see everyone is an expert through their own experiences).
So, although you now have this information and it has hurt you, you were never intended to see it. Your mother has the right to her thoughts though. And until you heal yourself and learn to fully cope on your own, then she will have reservations. You seem to have steps in place to be doing this.
How are you feeling this morning?
She sounds horrible. How could she keep an abuser in the house because she'd 'fail' as a fosterer- fgs. It makes me wonder how much of a 'caring' fostermother she was when it sounds like what she wanted was the acclaim and admiration for being one, rather than actually caring for the wellbeing of her own children.
Your DB will just follow his DM's attitude of calling you a drama queen, because that's what we do, we assume the adults in our lives know better and take on their views. So ignore him.
There is nothing wrong with you. It is her. She is a narcissist /in denial. Your son needs you and he'll be fine without much of this GM in his life.
I hope you can move on and away from your DM and carve a lovely life for yourself and DS.
I've only just seen this thread, but I remember one of your previous ones.
Can I just say, the fact that you're even questioning yourself, is proof that you're a better parent than your mother could ever be.
Hunker down, keep ds close, when you move out take some time for the two of you. A weight will lift from your shoulders.
Just keep swimming - talk it through when your therapist ours back - you can 'shelve'it til then can't you? I'm guessing you've learnt extensive 'shelving'skills through dealing with your mother - use them for good :-)
Hello everyone, thank you for your replies. I have been lurking, because I honestly don't know how to reply. I've read everyone's responses, and I just feel helpless and a bit shit! You are all so lovely, and I am so appreciative, but I don't know how to respond to you all.
I don't want to lose my mum, but I don't want her to feel or act the way she does. I can't change the past, and I can't change how she justifies it - in part my therapy was how I could learn to live with that.
This just feel's like she has upped the game, and while it's ok to knock me, it's a step to far when my ds becomes involved.
I think for me, my worst fear is that I am not good enough for my ds. My mum obviously agree's with me and genuinely thinks I am not a suitable parent. But if that's the case, why hasn't she said something other than the odd underhand dig about what she would do differently?
My confidence is shit, I worry constantly that I'm doing / not doing the right thing for DS. I used to be a nanny and it felt so effortless then!
I feel like my choice is to either:
a) believe what my mum is saying - which is that I'm not good enough - which just feel's appalling to me that I could be letting ds down so badly, or
b) Believe that I am doing ok with ds, which begs the question just what is she playing at and why does she want to hurt me. How can she feel those horrible things about me? Really, she thinks I am deranged, she feel's sorry for my poor boy and thinks I am going to ruin his life. How can she think that?
We went out for the day today and she was lovely, it feel's so utterly strange and weird. I feel almost like I've detached and am watching from outside of myself - I just don't know how to process this, and I'm worried I am just going to let it go and not raise it, because I'm scared of the consequences.
Anyway, I have been listening to you all, and I'm sorry for yet more waffle. You all deserve wine / chocolate / flowers for helping me wade through this. Thank you
'Children of the self absorbed' would be a good book to read. It helps you process your past and give you coping strategies for the narcissistic parent, so you can still have a relationship.
You need time to process it all tbh x
Your confidence and self esteem are probably due to your upbringing but you will feel so much better once you move out.
Keep talking if it helps x
OP, everyone feel that they're not doing they're best for their DCs from time to time, its what makes good parents good parents. Like everyone else upthread, I think you sound like a wonderful mum, you're doing the very best for your DS in what are very difficult circumstances.
No one, apart from your mother can know what she thinks or why she thinks it but her actions speak for themselves: she did not report the abuse you suffered in order to save face and your attacker then went on to rape someone else. She felt that the risk of continued harm to her own child plus the risk of harm to the vulnerable children who were in her care was less important than her reputation. That is not the thought process of a rational, caring woman and from what you have said, she's not changed. Someone said it earlier on and I agree, I think she's projecting on to you.
No wonder you get angry and fly off the handle at her, she allowed you to be abused to save her face. You're very, very normal to feel that.
Talk to your therapist and please don't feel you are shit, you are amazing!
OP, I try not to post on threads like this but your story made me feel so angry and sad for you I couldn't read and run.
Re the writing that you saw...I wonder if it was more her expressing frustrated and upset thoughts - privately as she thought - at times when your relationship with her was going through difficult patches. She may not think those things of you generally.
I would pick a quiet time to let her know that you accidentally saw what was written and have found it understandably upsetting, and see what she says. She may be mortified and it may only have been written in moments of desperation.
I know you and your Mum have 'history' but really I'd give her the chance to say her side before you make your mind up.
Really some posts on here are highly reactionary and unhelpful imo.
P.S. my post does not mean I condone her failure to believe and protect you when you were being abused, of course. That was a total failure on her part.
You show her the entries and say 'care to explain?'
Op, I had the same sorta thing happen to me with my foster mum. I feel your pain
I realised that my 'failure' in my early life was a very good talking point between her and other foster siblings, who then took her side and fell out with me . She also caused a lot of trouble for myself and ex-partner when dd was born. It was the two-faced 'smiling while stabbing me in the back' that got me.
I made her tell me what her problem was, she didn't have one, apparently. Grrrrh!
From your a) and b)
Why she is doing this, I don't know.
Mainly because she is not a good person I'm afraid.
It must be horrible to think this of your mother but she has at least been consistent in her nastiness towards you.
Questioning why is akin to chasing your tail for eternity.
She is not the type to own up or accept her short comings.
You need distance
You need good support (best friend/therapy)
You need to break away from her control.
She has you questioning every thing you do and think.
A very controlling way to keep you exactly where she wants you tbh.
You sound lovely...like another poster says the fact you are aware and question your own DS'S safety shows you are instinctively a good parent.
Being nice, as she was today, is classic behaviour to keep you on the back foot.
She likes having a puppet she can control.
If you are feeling vulnerable still i would wait until its time for you to move out before you challenge her about what she saw, you may get upset with her reply and she may use that against you in support of what she was saying about you.
I too think that you are the sane lovely mum and ds is blessed to have you as his mother, fwiw nannyinng and mothering are different for everyone. One thing I would like you to hear from me is that I would like you to appreciate yourself, value yourself and give yourself a big hug, you are all your ds needs and you are now enough to look after yourself as well. If being a drama queen means protecting ds from sexual abusers then thats what normal good mothers do.xx
Hope you're ok... You're in a really awful situation - wanting to see the best in your mum when she has failed you. And doubly tricky that you're staying with her... It must be really hard to process everything when you're living in the same house. I can't imagine how doubly betrayed tou must feel. Just hold on to the fact that you will get that space very soon! If you can talk to anyone in the meantime as others gave said please please do. At least to give you an outlet.
Children of the self absorbed is a great book as someone hothead mentioned. As a child of a narc mother this really resonated with me.
Thinking of you, and hoping that you're holding up ok. Keep posting.
Hothead = up thread!
What a truly horrible shock for you and what a dreadful situation to be in. I am so sorry you are going through this. I have to say though that it is ironic in the extreme that your mother who forced you to endure sexual abuse by a foster brother in order that she did not lose face is accusing YOU of being an inadequate parent?????? I apologise if you have already mentioned your mother's answer to this glaringly obvious question but I just want to reiterate to you that she is hardly one to judge.
I'm sure you are doing brilliantly with your DS. Your mum is the one with problems, both in the way she dealt with that situation when you were younger and in the way she criticises you now. Those are not the actions of a loving, caring mother.
You may be right, she may never acknowledge this to you but be assured that she is the one in the wrong here. I really hope your move goes well and that you are able to develop strategies for coping with your mother's behaviour.
I just want to thank you all again, I really appreciate every single response - it has given me lots to think about, I'm sorry for not name checking everyone, but really, I am very grateful for your help when I was so upset.
I've decided that I need to get on with my life and move forward, the planned move is now only weeks away, and I think - as many of you have said - that that space will be the making of me.
I am thinking at the moment that I need to let my mum know what I have seen, but that doing that while I am under her roof would not be the wisest move. I also need to be less emotional (if that's possible!) when I talk to her about it, and so I've decided to write her a letter to give her once I have moved out. This co-insides time wise with my therapist being back off Holidays, and without being dramatic, I really think I need her help with this.
I have no idea what to write in the letter, but I want it to contain everything from start to finish, and I want it to be as clear and concise as possible so that she cannot say I am being over the top, or that her concerns are justified, because well - I don't think they are.
My son is my world, and I have read and re-read what she has put. I genuinely think if she had concerns about how I cared for him then I would know about it, because she isn't the sort to keep quiet. I think it was selks that said she may have written those things in a moment of desperation and not usually feel that way, but the quantity and repetition of her words over a period of a year makes me feel that that can't be the case. To say my son will suffer because I am his mum may be forgiveable once, but she says this over and over.
I have gone over the incidents she has chronicled, and I just don't remember them that way. I have no doubts really that when I write to her about this it will be turned around to be my fault and she will say that I shouldn't have read the notes but, I'm just not ready to cut all contact. I'm really hoping that the space of me moving out will be healing to us both.
Thank you again for seeing me through a shitty evening and the aftermath, I know it doesn't compare to finding out your DH is cheating or some of the other awful stuff on here, but it really shook me and I'm grateful for you time and help. I am going to name change back to my regular username now but I might still keep posting if that's ok.... I need ideas on how the hell to support myself and my son on a budget of beans for a start
Hello, you are very brave! I love how much better you are sounding now, than before. You will be amazing. I might have some bits I can post you, cot bed bedding etc if you need anything like that.
Writing it all down is a great plan, and getting our therapist to help good idea too.
How strange to have a lovely day out when you must feel so weird....! But that's better than being estranged I suppose. Crack on with the counselling and I hope you start to sort it all out and find a way forward that includes your mum, but only as far as you are able to, and on your terms.
As at the start of your thread, big hug! And pm me if you need to!
Personally, I think she's got a damned nerve criticising someone else's parenting when she so majorly messed up. Carry on doing what you need to do to make a home for you and your son. What she thinks is just that - what she thinks. It has nothing to do with you.
Ah bless you charlie, thank you so much for the offer - I have been ok financially up till now so luckily DS has stuff coming out of his ears, I think I'm more worried about budgeting for food, emergency car repairs and the like. You are lovely to try and help though
nkf I think she genuinely thinks the way she does about me, and so she wouldn't realise she has a nerve, she would think she has made a mistake in the past and now has concerns about her daughter and grandson I guess. I like that phrase "what she thinks is just that - what she thinks" it sort of disempowers things a bit. I'm trying hard not to think about the specifics of it any more, it hurts too much and is too confusing. I need to focus on the future and how to make the best of things.
Your last post sounds so much more positive- sounds like you are starting to see the truth of how strong and capable you are and how strange and unreal DMs view of things is. I can't wait for you to move and start your new life I feel excited for youxx
Like cjel I feel excited for you too
And delighted you feel and sound more positive.
Letter sounds a good idea, might be cathartic for you.
And you are powerless over your mother, really.
Only she can change herself iyswim.... it is great you are looking forward.
My mum obviously agree's with me and genuinely thinks I am not a suitable parent. But if that's the case, why hasn't she said something other than the odd underhand dig about what she would do differently?
The reason you can't square the circle is because your mother's position makes no logical or emotional sense. She wants you around/oh piss off/she loves you/she hates you. That's very much her issue, and doesn't reflect on you as a person at all.
It sounds as though your mother is deeply and very unhealthily invested in her Golden Mother role (I think your therapist speaks sense about alpha mummies and your successful parenting of your child being a threat to her self-image) and heaven forbid you challenge that in any way.
YOU HAVE GOT TO GET AWAY FROM HER. For the time you have to stay in the house, try your very best to detach emotionally from her shit. Just park it and promise you'll deal when your therapist is back, when you move out, whatever.
Something else I don't quite know how to put: if you've acted out sometimes, well that's understandable when put in a position where a person you love has manipulated you so extremely. I've only once in my life attacked someone physically (an ex, at the time a close 'friend' or so I thought), and was deeply ashamed that I did. It took work with my therapist to realise how I got there. He was at the same time ostensibly loving, benign, concerned and bewildered, and also manipulative, exploitative, emotionally sadistic and dishonest. I couldn't square the circle either, and exploded in frustration. I don't think for a moment resorting to physical violence was ok, and I remain ashamed of it, but I have forgiven myself for reacting that way under such massive pressure. I think you should forgive yourself too. And consider it a reason to keep your mother at a greater distance in the future.
going to add a quick flipside to this.
For what ever reason she wrote this, it was clearly meant to be her own private thoughts, and it was not intended to be read by you. Whilst I can understand your reaction, it's no different than reading her private diary, if it had been left in paper form you probably wouldn't have read it, so to carry on reading it wasn't right of you. There was a thread I read (yesterday) about someones DH reading her diary, and people on here flamed him for his lack of respect. The lady writing it said it was just thoughts of the moment, not something she meant, but her coping mechanism, it was full of critisism of her DH which upset him, but she justified it just saying that was what she felt when she wrote it.
That may be true of your M. To be honest I do feel that continuing to read it when you realised it was her entries and was only available to you as an error was a bit of a breach of your M's privacy. If you do confront her with it, do remember you have breached her privacy, and she may justifiably be angry with you.
That in no way is meant to condone her actions with you as a child, and TBH I'm amazed you still speak to her.
You trusted her and she let you down. Every time you get close to her she hurts you. Now there is another generation involved. You aren't a bad parent, or deranged or anything that she says you are. It sounds like she has disassociated herself from you and your pain.
I'm so so so sorry you deserve someone who is there for you unconditionally. Honestly, I can imagine it cuts like a knife every time that your life was destroyed indirectly by her actions and not only did she not stick up for you when you needed her most, you were forced out. I'm sure all the taunts now just continue the abuse.
Can you confront her? Or threaten to not have any contact unless you supports you? If you know the answer is that she will turn her back, then turns yours. No matter how hard that might be.
If you found out that a friend said those things you wouldn't need to ask whether she should be excised from your life. Your mother is a two faced monster. You may not be ready to cut her off yet but I hope you am emotionally distance yourself from her.
I agree with MaryRobinson, the only way you will be able to cope with having her in your life is to withdraw emotionally from the relationship completely. It's hard to do, but I think in this situation, bar cutting her off, you need to do it for your own sanity as well as for your child's sake
I think a few things people have said have really stuck with me and keep going through my head. Today has been shitty, really shitty, for so many reasons that I am loathe to say out loud because it just feels like more and more crap to add to the already overwhelming amount of crap there already is.
*Maryrobinson" you are right, if this was a friend or someone I was in a relationship with then I would have long cut contact. She is my mum though, and I want her to love me and like me, and it doesn't feel like that a lot of the time.
I know by the way bobby that I was out of order. It sounds lame, but once I realised what it was I wanted to see what she had written about me.
I'm feeling really fed up tonight, I'm so scared financially of what I am trying to do, I'm terrified I am not enough for my son and that I don't have the energy or the courage that this takes. I'm so bloody fed up of being the person that I am, and living the situation that I am. Arse. I'm sorry for being a whinge, I'm being pathetic and I need to give myself a kick up the arse. Tomorrow is another day and all that :S
Why don't you give lovely you a big hug instead of a kick up the arse!! try and turn your apprehension about not being capable as excitement to learning how fantastic you can be for your ds. Sorry today wasn't good but not long till your new life now.
I have tried to have a day taking action, I've bought packing boxes to fill, I think I'm just tired - ds is teething and I've pissed my mum off and it hurts because I can just see the cycle of behaviour so much clearer now. I think I need wine and an early night! Thank you for replying, it was a very self indulgent rant and really it didn't warrant a reply!
Wasn't self indulgent and now at least you have more positive attitude to yourself . if you read your OP you were really upset and now you are getting packing cases - not long now!!
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