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Holiday disagreement

(55 Posts)
Stellarella123 Sat 30-Mar-13 22:33:50

We are heading off on a family holiday with our 2 kids in a few months, it's my dh sisters wedding abroad, there's alot of family friends going but were the only ones who have kids, they are all talking about how it's gonna be great partying etc, my dh just agrees but I keep saying it won't be for us as we have 2 kids under 5 to look after, me and dh agreed before booking hol that it would be a family hol and we'd attend wedding whilst there, but all the rest of the family think wel be taking nights each to party with one of us watching kids at a time, I feel ill at the thought of having to sit in a hotel room on my own with kids whilst my dh is out, when I speak to him we end up arguing, I think he wants to party and doesn't like me saying otherwise, I really don't want this kind of holiday and don't know what to do about it, it's me that's done all the saving up and I'm really not looking forward to it, he is a good guy who works provides, supports but is also a crabbit shit! , we have been having some problems lately and I feel like iv had enough, feel like cancelling it! Help!!

izzyizin Sat 30-Mar-13 23:01:17

What part of the world are you going to and for how long?

Stellarella123 Sat 30-Mar-13 23:04:18

Cyprus - 1 wk

deste Sat 30-Mar-13 23:11:02

Just make it clear that that won't be happening.

doublecakeplease Sat 30-Mar-13 23:14:04

What makes you feel ill about him going out?? Could you agree one night out each but strict family time all other nights?

cece Sat 30-Mar-13 23:17:41

Why can't you all go out to the parties? Your DC are young enough to pop into a buggy to sleep if they get tired and then you and your DH will get to enjoy yourselves. smile

Snazzynewyear Sat 30-Mar-13 23:19:54

Do you think he will insist on going out and you won't get to? Or does going out really not appeal at all? I would try and work on an agreement where you each get say 2 nights out on the holiday and spend the others together. You should make sure you actually take yours, though, even if it's only to sit quietly somewhere with a book and a glass of wine, 'accidentally' not managing to catch up with the family group...

izzyizin Sat 30-Mar-13 23:27:39

Do what the Cypriots do and take the dc out with you at night - they'll be welcome everywhere and they might serve to save both you and dh a hangover or 7 2 smile

If it's a family group of all ages travelling for a week some won't want, or won't be able, to get bladdered every night and may be happy to babysit on occasion.

If most of the partying is done in the hotel in which you're staying, check to see if there's a baby listening service or book a babysitter for a couple of evenings so that you and dh can join in the festivities or slope off for a romantic meal/drink on your own somewhere.

It's a HOLIDAY - hurrah for them! Don't sweat the small stuff and have FUN.

BicBiro Sun 31-Mar-13 00:14:09

All the family holidays I've been on have involved the whole family taking shifts to look after the kids - grandparents, aunts, uncles etc. I would be very surprised and arsed off if no one offered to help to give you a break. Could you ask your DH to start putting out feelers to test the waters?

Casmama Sun 31-Mar-13 00:24:56

I think you are blowing this out of proportion to be honest but suspect there is a lot more to "we have been having some problems lately" which may explain it.

pollypandemonium Sun 31-Mar-13 02:45:42

I agree with others - there will be plenty of family to help with childcare and if yours are the only children they will get loads of attention.

I sense that you don't like the way they will be partying am I right? In that case try to link up with people you get on well with and are a bit more solid that way you can have a good time without things getting out of hand.

Don't get too dependent on DH, he is his own man and assuming him to be with you all the time will not be good for either of you. I think you are a bit nervous more than anything, that you don't know what to expect.

kittybiscuits Sun 31-Mar-13 08:14:37

It also sounds like my idea of hell OP. What kind of problems have you been.having recently?

Stellarella123 Sun 31-Mar-13 08:40:50

Thanks for replies, not major problems with dh, just with being busy with the kids we don't have much time together as a couple, we work opposite shifts and feels like passing ships, I have lost my feelings towards him a bit,

There are no grandparents/ older relatives going, I am nervous about the holiday, I get a bit homesick and feel quite insecure away from home, I hoped my husband would accommodate this haha!

I will take kids out in buggies at night when we can, I do like a night out . But it's always me who gets left to deal with the kids in the morning, I know I am blowing this out of proportion, I think if it was just us I would be looking forward to it but because other people are telling us what's happening and I know my husband would go with the flow and party all week and not take responsibility for the kids if I let him, I hate having to tell him what I expect him to do. Feel like such a party pooper hmm

LIZS Sun 31-Mar-13 08:44:17

Ask him to limit how often he goes out, for how long and how much he drinks - so he can also be helpful with dc. tbh sitting around a pool/hotel room is probably your limit with young dc anyway. Enjoy the wedding and disappear for the rest of the week.

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight Sun 31-Mar-13 08:54:19

So there's 6/7 night? One will be the wedding, he can go out on e and do can you if you choose to and rest together.

Creameggkr Sun 31-Mar-13 09:02:06

I understand op. dh sis is yet to announce her destination but has made it clear she will get married abroad which will probably mean out family Holiday budget will be spent on that. For that reason if like it to still be some time together with the children and each other and not be dictated to by others.
We are very sociable but do like to get dds to bed fairly reasonably or they will be vile the next day.
If play it by ear tbh. It's only a week so play the game.
I intend to make it clear we will be having a few days to ourselves but it might not happen.

Creameggkr Sun 31-Mar-13 09:04:06

If he refuses to get up with dc leave them with him and go sit by the pool with a book and a vodka.

Stellarella123 Sun 31-Mar-13 09:21:24

A book and vodka sounds good smile I go through phases of thinking it's just a week it'll go so fast , to thinking oh no I can't cope with a week with the inlaws, its a dear holiday to be wishing away.
when we booked the holiday we made a deal it would be a family holiday with a wedding in the middle, that I wouldn't be sitting in a hotel room on my own with kids at any time, now things are seeming a bit different in dh head, I'm not interested in having a girls night out clubbing then have 2 dc to deal with next day, I want to give my dc a great hol not be hungover and feel they are inconvenience, i want my dh to agree to have a holiday with us, i feel we need time together for me to connect with him, maybe even fall in love with him again, not be passing ships on holiday, me look like the party pooping wifehmm anyway, thanks for letting me offload.

Creameggkr Sun 31-Mar-13 11:39:53

No I do see where you are coming from I really do.
We are going on enforced weekend away with pil dil and bil and partners.
We are the only ones with kids and already they are planning stuff we can't do like ski ing lol.
I'm just going to take the opportunity to spend time with my girls and swim and walk and play games etc.
To be fair we go on holiday every year for two to three weeks and trust me when I say sharing a bathroom, hot sweaty nights in a hotel room shared with dc, tiredness, schedules, day trips and chasing kids around is not a recipe for romance ha ha

Numberlock Sun 31-Mar-13 11:44:07

Why was it you that had to do all the saving for the holiday?

strongerandstronger Sun 31-Mar-13 12:19:46

OP I think you have every right to worry about this holiday. It does sound like your DH wants to party with the rest of the family and with your children being the only kids there, the rest of the family may not understand. I think you are being very responsible about this and it is not fair if you are left with childcare duties while you DH gets to recover in bed from a hangover. I would however be preparing for this and planning for things to do with the children so that you have a good time and not expecting much from him as otherwise you are going to be disappointed and may end up in arguments. I don't agree when people say just put the kids in a buggy and let them sleep while you party. I think this is disgusting as you wouldn't do this when not on holiday, put the kids in a buggy and let them fall asleep in a club or at a party while you and DH get sloshed would you??? You would have SS on your back before you knew it so why is it acceptable when you go to another country?? Kids should be tucked up in bed asleep. This is not directed at you OP, I just find this sort of behaviour very irresponsible and a bad example. Well done to you for thinking in advance about this.

Stellarella123 Sun 31-Mar-13 12:23:13

Dh is not very good at saving,(although he isn't overspending majorly either) I do shopping etc and have been cutting back, working a little extra etc, feel I have put in extra effort to make it happen, which makes me annoyed at myself.
Yes it's not really going to be fun or recipe for romance haha! Sooner I get my head round it the better .

Stellarella123 Sun 31-Mar-13 12:31:45

I won't be clubbing with kids in buggies, to me it isn't acceptable, we have paid extra for a room with balcony and partition so we can sit in our room/ balcony, the wedding reception we will take buggies and stay as long as is possible. Thanks strongerandstronger I do think I'm the only one thinking of the responsibility of it and I think dh will find it easier to agree with the family re drinking/partying then make it look like it's me who's boring / telling him what to do on holiday . Id much rather he'd tell them now it's not going to be like that for us unfortunately, I have been looking at things to do there and day trips etc to keep us busy and want to give dc the best hol ever. I just feel I'm at such a hard place in our relationship and I think if this holiday goes tits up it could be the end for our marriage, as he knows how I am feeling.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Sun 31-Mar-13 16:26:48

Are you sure he's not just agreeing with them to keep the peace for now but will honour what he's said to you about your famiy time
when you are there?

Stellarella123 Sun 31-Mar-13 17:47:14

He might be (hopefully) but it's stressing me out, if he just told me what was happening without it turning into an argument, it would put my mind at ease .

LIZS Sun 31-Mar-13 18:02:01

Can you not ask sil what she ash planned ?

strongerandstronger Sun 31-Mar-13 18:04:03

OP I feel for you, this is a difficult situation to be in. You are more than likely going to look like the bad guy. I don't think there is anything you can do apart from trying to talk to your DH again prior to the holiday. Make sure he is 100% aware of your feelings so that there is no misunderstanding. Tell him that this is a family holiday for you both to reconnect and for your DCs to have fun not a chance to act like a teenager again. Try and do it in a way that doesn't sound like nagging as men tend to shut down if they think you are nagging, I know mine does. If your DH does go off partying and leaves you to look after the kids then he is basically showing that he does not take his responsibilities seriously and does not give a shit about your feelings. I am sorry OP, he needs to take you seriously and respect what you are saying.

Creameggkr Sun 31-Mar-13 18:40:27

It might all just fall into place.
Scenario. You are all out and dc get moody. You say to dh " the kids are tired we bed to go" he leaves to go with you.
My in laws also naturally assumed my dds would be babysat while we went out. I have said catorgorically NO.
They don't have kids yet so cannot comprehend that I don't want to leave them when I'm on holiday.

SnookyPooky Sun 31-Mar-13 18:57:02

Stella where in Cyprus are you staying? I live there and it's not all nightclubs etc. The rest of your group may find that there is not that much nightlife at all, depending which resort and hotel.

Tryharder Sun 31-Mar-13 19:06:02

Do you not think you are overreacting? Why can you not agree one or two nights out each with the other person babysitting and then the other nights you go out as a family with the kids.

Why on earth would it make you ill to contemplate staying in with the kids in a hotel room. Good Lord woman! A glass of wine on the balcony with a good book while the kids sleep? Sounds great.

Jux Mon 01-Apr-13 02:20:32

I think you have to agree who does morning duty and how often. If he's out one night and likely to be hungover next day then you do morning duty but he has to do the same. If I were you, I would make sure I was the first to have the night out too - just to make sure it all goes according to plan wink

Lavenderhoney Mon 01-Apr-13 06:33:15

If you don't feel like partying you don't have to. Tell him one night is ok for him, but not you getting up and doing childcare everyday whilst he nurses a hangover.

Cyprus is nice for family restaurants and dc are welcome. People eat later and your dc will stay up later, maybe fall asleep whist you eat and then get home later than usual.

If you want to stick to a routine of early bed which you might do in the UK, it will be hard though. Will you mind changing routine?

Who has been saving for going out money? I'm assuming he won't be spending all the holiday cash on booze?

It might be ok, and you might have to play it by ear, but insist your dh says " sounds great, just let me have a chat with dw later and sort out what's best for us! " to any organising of big nights out. But he will want to spend time with his extended family. Unless you all live in the same area at home, then it's different again!

Stellarella123 Mon 01-Apr-13 08:05:05

We don't see his family much so for dh it's a good chance to catch up, I understand this and I think il have to leave him to have his night out with the guys, they are going to ayia napa clubbing, I have spoken to him and he says he will go out for a few (which I know will never happen). But if it's just one night then il have to deal with it/ get over it.
I don't mind dc routine changing, i will play it by ear,
I know I'm over reacting and over thinking etc, but I just can't help it, I hate how I'm anxious, and a born worrier, probably unnecessarily and I know I'm ruining it before it's even started, I'm trying to prepare myself and plan it out a little.
I'm leaving dh to save the rest of our spending money now, although we are fully inclusive at hotel, so hopefully we won't need too much,
We don't do holidays regularly, it's 1st holiday in 3 yrs, and 3 yrs before that, it's expensive , I don't want to be sat in a hotel room in my own with dc, I want quality time with my family, connect with my dh, and it may be another 3 yrs before we have this luxury again,

I've been to Cyprus with young children. I can't remember where we stayed but it wasn't Ayia napa to be fair. I found that if I chucked them in the pool for a few hours in the morning they'd have a nice long sleep after lunch and then be able to stay up lateish. I would imagine even a party town like Ayia napa will still have nice family restaurants?

However, I don't blame you for being apprehensive. I wouldn't like the thought of one of us going clubbing every night. Maybe one or at the most two nights each, but not every night. I wouldn't relish he thought of one member of the family being permanently hungover.

ImperialBlether Mon 01-Apr-13 12:16:59

The whole point of a holiday is that you spend some time together as a family. If he's out getting drunk at night then he'll be useless the next day and the only thing that will cheer him up will be another drink. I'm sorry for you, OP; you should be having a nice time with your husband there with you and there for the kids the next day, too.

What's he like normally? Does he go out much with his friends at home?

Stellarella123 Mon 01-Apr-13 16:29:15

He doesn't go out or drink much here at home, but when we do have a get together or night out we do enjoy a good drink, I have spoken to him and he says that one night is fine, he feels obliged to have a night with the guys, I would rather he didn't as the next day il be on my own with the kids, and I will worry that he drinks too much etc when out, but he's his own person too,
the ladies are having a night too which I might go to but not interested in being up half the night drunk as I don't want a day wasted with a hangover,
at the mo I'm concentrating on places to take the dc, and how they will love getting away, and the cocktails, winewinewine
his family are all very loud, outspoken, not my kinda people, I can feel quite lonely in there presence as I don't fit in, I think the thought of spending a week with them is putting a dampener on it, and knowing my dh fitting right in with them and have a great time.

ModernToss Mon 01-Apr-13 16:38:13

I really don't think you should begrudge him one night out with his friends and family, even if it does mean you do most of the work the next day. He can make that up to you.

Every night would be a different story.

dopeysheep Mon 01-Apr-13 16:44:42

If it will just be one or two nights ( plus next day recovery!) I think that is ok if the rest of it is family time.
Sounds to me though as if you both have very different ideas as to how things will pan out. Ypu are already getting anxious, and don't want to go.
Can he go out for a few days and then do the family holiday at a different date?
I realise that would prob cost a lot tho. It just sounds as if you aren't going to enjoy yourself which is a shame.

Stellarella123 Mon 01-Apr-13 17:18:52

It's all paid for now so we couldn't change it all or cancell without losing money, I don't think I could do it anyway, if we have agreed one night and he didn't stick to it then I would be totally finished with him as he is taking the mickey out of me then, it's just the fact his family will ask him out every night and probably pester me as to why he can't go etc, I know my dh would like to have every night out/ day on sun lounger but will do the right thing with a moany face angry
I am going to enjoy it with my kids, it's just a time in my relationship that I have fallen out of love a bit and I do want it to work. Sometimes I get annoyed putting so much effort in, doing things I don't want to do for his sake, I have to go now as the dc's are very excited smile I just need a kick up the butt!

BicBiro Mon 01-Apr-13 17:50:20

does he know how much hinges on his behaviour during this holiday? why have you fallen out of love with him?

Stellarella123 Mon 01-Apr-13 17:59:55

I don't knowhmm we don't have much time together as a couple, busy with the kids or at work, he is very selfish, I am very considerate, we are opposites, we have been together about 12 years, I don't feel we split caring for the kids or housework 50/50, I have realised I don't really like him most of the time, nothing major, it can be worked on, I know if we have time together I will remember why I love him, he has alot of good points too, but sometimes I can't see them, I'm sure it will pass,

Stellarella123 Mon 01-Apr-13 18:01:01

He knows how I feel, he knows I'm at breaking point

SnookyPooky Mon 01-Apr-13 18:06:17

Stella can you share the name of your hotel? You may not even be near to all the bars and clubs etc. The majority of the hard-core nightlife is aimed at the youth market and the main square where all of the action is based is very full on. Lots of RnB bars/clubs that are ridiculously expensive and overflowing with bar crawls, hens and stags etc. It is not like clubbing in the UK.

BerylStreep Mon 01-Apr-13 18:16:36

I can understand your point of view - I also hate that feeling of being herded into 'enjoying' myself and having to stick with the crowd. I had similar earlier in the year, where it was big drinking the whole trip, and I just couldn't keep up, and felt overwhelmed and DH acted like a teenager prat.

The thing is though, the more you worry about it now, the more anxious you will be and it will become an even bigger issue.

I don't think you can begrudge him a night out with the guys, even if he does have a hangover the next day, but it wouldn't be on if it was all week.

Someone said to me recently that time spent worrying about the future is energy spent worrying about something that hasn't even happened yet, and in fact might never happen. If you aren't looking forward to it, you could find that any tiny thing that goes wrong just serves to reinforce that you were right all along that it was going to be a rubbish holiday / waste of money / your relationship would end up on the rocks.

Perhaps try some positive thinking around this? Perhaps try to say to him how much you are looking forward to spending time as a family, rather than be seen to nag discuss your concerns? If you tell yourself you are looking forward to it, then you may end up feeling more positive about it. I think you also need to stop thinking about this in terms of the be all and end all of the state of your relationship - it's unfair on both of you to have your relationship hinging on this holiday. It's a couple of months before the holiday, could you spend the time between trying to reconnect with each other - I dunno - can you get out for a meal together, go for a walk together?

<wooo, Beryl goes all new age>

BerylStreep Mon 01-Apr-13 18:23:17

Reading your OP again, I think there is a good chance that you are going to come across to others as being very controlling about this. I totally get what you are saying - who wants to sit in a room all week on their own with the kids then have to deal with a hungover one the next day? - but I think you need to be clever in how you manage this.

For a start, I would stop discussing it with him, unless it is in positive terms.

BicBiro Mon 01-Apr-13 18:31:09

I disagree, if the DH is selfish in the relationship to the point of being take take take for his own pleasure, and cannot see the impact this is having on his relationship, then there's little point the OP giving even more so as not to appear controlling. he's an adult, if he knows his relationship is at stake then surely it's about him acknowledging this is the first family holiday for 3 years and that it has the potential to help them as a couple.

Stellarella123 Mon 01-Apr-13 18:56:42

Believe it or not I'm usually really positive, I defo think men are from another planet and I have given up with moaning/ trying to talk about it and have decided that iv said all I can say, so I'v been looking at days out and things to do and been really positive , showing him on Internet and he's very keen on the places we want to visit, I am looking at the gorgeous pictures of the resort online and thinking very positively since I started this post a few days ago ( when I was at my lowest) I AM going to have a ball regardless! But I do feel it will show me how dh really cares if he takes my feelings into consideration, I did think posting this may make me look controlling, but honestly my dh couldn't be controlled, I don't want to control him, want him to care about me and my feelings,

Stellarella123 Mon 01-Apr-13 18:59:59

Snooky- our hotel is at nissi bay, but others are talking of travelling to ayia napa for nights out.

Lavenderhoney Mon 01-Apr-13 19:01:00

Beryl has some good points there, but its not you stopping him going out with family if they keep asking him - its him not wanting to ruin the next day with the dc and you. Tell him to make sure he has packed his cinderalla shoes as home at midnight is a good rule.

His family do sound like they are gearing up for a beano. Can you plan a few afternoons with any members of his family who might be sympathetic to you before you go? Just to chat about it and you can say quite easily " don't forget we have the dc- they get up at 6 you know and it's full on! Me AND dh won't be able to party like you, big smile etc.

Ask them how they will work it, and remind people it's your first holiday for three years and you are expecting a bit of romance, so who will be babysitting? Even if its just for an hour every night so you and dh can have a drink and giggle together without worrying about dc. He might nt be so keen to go out without you.

BerylStreep Mon 01-Apr-13 19:11:24

Just to clarify, I'm not saying you are being controlling, just that you could end up being the one who is painted as being controlling.

Don't want to offend.

I agree, you sound much more positive now!

SnookyPooky Mon 01-Apr-13 19:16:16

Sorry if you have already said but what age group are you all? I love a good night out but Napa square was too much for me, not my cup of tea at all. I felt old and I'm not and it was very expensive.

From Nissi it is about 2.5km to the heart of the nightlife so it will be a taxi or bus. Of course there are lots of bars etc near your hotel.

Stellarella123 Mon 01-Apr-13 21:19:03

We're all between 25-40 , beryl I know you weren't meaning to offend, I wasn't offended I know how it seems but I am being positive now, thanks for advice I know it will help me smile

Stellarella123 Mon 01-Apr-13 21:24:29

Lavenderhoney no one is keen on babysitting sad iv mentioned a few times and no one has taken me on, also when they talk about crazy nights out etc I keep saying we won't really be able to do that, I have said to the bride we are having a family hol and we will attend the wedding in between but she still keeps saying things like " we'l just take the kids out in buggies" and I have said "I'm the one up at 6am haha!"
I'm certainly not as worried about it as I was a few days ago, thanks

SnookyPooky Wed 03-Apr-13 07:01:40

Stella I think that they will go into 'town' once and realise it is not for them and stay either local or in the hotel bar after that. Really I had my eyes opened in Napa square. It's great for the very young market but not for mature grown ups, especially those with kids. Try not to worry too much, your hotel may have a babysitting service if it is a 4 or 5 star and the Cypriots adore children.

Stellarella123 Wed 03-Apr-13 21:06:28

Thanks, I hope so, I wouldn't leave dc with babysitters I don't think I could,

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