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12 weeks pregnant ,told my fiance and he wants me to have an abortion.. devastated!

(35 Posts)
minx1980 Fri 29-Mar-13 23:29:44

Hi Everyone, I have come on here for some advice- I have been with my fiance for nearly three years we have a child together who is 18 months and i have got children from a previous relationship.. I found out I was pregnant and i told him on tuesday this week- since then he has been awful over the phone to me although he claims he isn't saying he can't and won't go through having another baby and that if i really loved him and want to be a family in our new home that we have bought together recently then I will have to terminate the pregnancy. I have cried so much. He is or was my soul mate, the person i thought i could rely on.. I feel awful .. I can't go through with an abortion and live my life with such guilt.

I have been nice, calm. angry, cross, upset and all of these things have had no influence on what he has said.

The man i fell in love with is now willing to turn his back on me, his child ,and my children.

Will this sadness go? Will he come around to the idea of the new baby? I am desperate for advice.. My heart is in a million pieces..
xx

Cailinsalach Fri 29-Mar-13 23:59:33

Hi Minx. I am sorry to hear your troubles. I have no advice for you but is there someone in rl you can talk to or support you?

He does sound a bit of a bastard though.

skyebluesapphire Sat 30-Mar-13 00:03:43

has he said why exactly he is so against the idea of another baby?

EllaFitzgerald Sat 30-Mar-13 00:14:46

What a horrible situation to be in. I can't imagine what I'd do in that situation; all I'd say is that if it comes to a choice, you have to choose what's best for you and not what's best for him.

Without wanting to be nosy, was it a contraceptive fail? I'm wondering whether he's reacting so badly because he didn't think it was a possibility. Very worrying that it's all about him and what he wants/doesn't want, rather than dealing with it together.

skyebluesapphire Sat 30-Mar-13 00:21:41

I agree that it's your decision, but it would help to know why he is so much against it. Is it a question of money, or too many children already, or something else?

would be easier to help if we knew his reasons for behaving like this. sometimes men panic for reasons of money or overcrowding or lifestyle change etc.

If you don't want a termination and you have one for him, you will probably hold it against him and it would make a future relationship very difficult sad

Longdistance Sat 30-Mar-13 00:23:52

It's so easy for him to say terminate the baby.

I'd personally terminate my relationship with him.

toffeelolly Sat 30-Mar-13 00:28:30

what a bastard, if he loved you would never ever say this to you.

badinage Sat 30-Mar-13 00:40:48

If a man definitely doesn't want a baby, then he should make damned sure one doesn't get conceived. If he hasn't done that, he's got no right to demand an abortion.

It's entirely his choice if he wants to walk away from this relationship and all the other children, but he can't walk away from his responsibilities as a father and a father-to-be. So regardless of whether he stays in this relationship if you have his baby, he's jointly responsible.

Don't be emotionally blackmailed into making a decision. Decide whether you want to keep this child yourself and then tell him what you're doing.

izzyizin Sat 30-Mar-13 00:44:46

Why did it take you so long to find out you were pg, or did you know earllier and decide to wait to tell him?

Why's he being awful 'over the phone' to you? Why aren't you talking to him face to face?

minx1980 Sat 30-Mar-13 04:03:13

I was told i had a collapsed sac and i was going to miscarry i went back and they said oh no your 12 weeks..
I am so hurt i feel like i have lost my world. He says we have to many kids already and he can't cope. How will i go on- i gave everything to him, my hear and soul i feel destroyed.

izzyizin Sat 30-Mar-13 04:14:01

Didn't you know were pg until last Tuesday? How many dc do you have? Why are your conversations being conducted over the phone - is he away working or has he left you?

AmandaCooper Sat 30-Mar-13 04:37:08

You are three months pregnant now; in the less than 3 years you have been together your DF has taken on your DC from a previous relationship, within six months of you getting together fathered your DC1; recently you invested in a house together. This combination of factors would put a strain on any relationship. Yes your DF is behaving badly and has not responded appropriately to your news but I can see why it might not have been the best he's ever had. I suggest you give him some time and space to process the information; he may well come round once the initial shock wears off.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 30-Mar-13 08:14:14

Keep the baby... lose the fiance... I'm appalled that he would even suggest such a thing.

Shellywelly1973 Sat 30-Mar-13 08:34:49

I would keep the baby. Soul mate? Really? I wouldn't ask my soul mate to abort my baby.

It does seem theres alot gone on in a relatively short period of time.

Whatever you do think long term.
Good luck.

Spiritedwolf Sat 30-Mar-13 09:03:36

If you don't want to have an abortion then please don't let him talk you into having one, he's not worth it and you'd resent him for ever. This is not his body, so it is not his decision to make. The fact that he is trying to force you to do what he wants suggests to me that he's not as nice a person as you've believed he is up to now. Even if he does 'come around' later I'd be thinking he's not worth taking back after he was so unsupportive and controlling when you needed him.

Am I right in thinking you thought you'd lost this pregnancy? and he doesn't understand why telling you to end it is hurtful? What a git!

It could be that he went into an 'all for thes best' mode to cope with the miscarriage and focused on why having a baby now wasn't ideal. Je could also be one of those men who believe that having an abortion makes the pregnancy not have happened. I don't think either is an excuse for his lack of respect for your feelings and body.

In future if you and your partner are adament you dont want more children- I'd suggest doubling up on contraception by using more than one method to reduce the chances as they aren't 100% even when used properly.

minx1980 Sat 30-Mar-13 09:04:43

Thank-you everyone. Never thought this would ever happen..

HoHoHoNoYouDont Sat 30-Mar-13 09:08:20

I'm so sorry you have found yourself in this situation.

If you want another baby then you should have it. If you abort then you may end up resenting your partner and your relationship may break up anyway as a result.

I think you both need to keep talking so you can find out what's behind his words.

minx1980 Sat 30-Mar-13 09:08:32

I thought he was everything- but it's like i am talking to a completely different person. He says he isn't being horrible to me just saying the facts and truth and i don't like to hear it.. oh i wish this pain would stop.

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 30-Mar-13 09:09:15

Amanda? are you for real? hmm Imagine putting all that on the poor man eh! Really, the OP should count herself lucky that he took her on!!

OP just lose this tosser - apologies if i'm wrong, but didn't you have another thread recently about him and the new house?

He's being unreasonable if he knows you don't want an abortion but is still trying to coerce you into one after. Have you told him you don't feel you can face it?

If you have & this is his reaction I'd start pulling away. He can come to terms with it in his own time but right now it's you going through the worst of it so just keep as calm as possible and try to get as much support in rl as you can. He may come round, he may not. (and if he doesn't then maybe this was a blessing in disguise).

Sorry again to hear you're between a rock & a hard place thanks

^That is a calm response...

If it were me I think I'd actually be fuming and the bubble would be totally burst. It takes two to tango & if he couldn't suck it up like an adult then I'd just walk. You need that like a hole in the head when you're making such a big decision & having such a bad time. What a git hmm

minx1980 Sat 30-Mar-13 09:13:58

I have looked after the dc and his own one- i have bought him a car brand new and invested lots of money for properties so that we have a secure future. i thought he was different to my past ex's.. i give up trying to be happy..

If you're going to give up on anything then it should be him, not your happiness.

minx1980 Sat 30-Mar-13 09:19:47

i also said he could give up work next year and i would work more hours so he can be happy, i am also a full time uni student (mature) i am and have done everything and i get this in return.. I wish he could be like he was before i told him he was wonderful then and now it's completely different.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 30-Mar-13 09:24:14

"i also said he could give up work next year and i would work more hours so he can be happy,"

hmm... and at what point are you having the letters M.U.G. tattooed on your forehead? Of course a man is 'wonderful' when you're buying his affection. Slight challenge to his cushy lifestyle and you see the real, selfish him.

minx1980 Sat 30-Mar-13 09:31:31

Your right, I am..

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 30-Mar-13 09:31:57

Well, now he has shown his true colours, do yourself (and your children) a favour and get shot of him, all he will do is bleed you dry and then when you have no more to give him (financially) he will leave. He doesn't want anything else from you. Why don't you live together?

minx1980 Sat 30-Mar-13 09:35:12

We have brought a new build that due to be completed the end of this year. Prior to that we brought a few places to let out. I wish i had the strength to be strong , i used too..

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 30-Mar-13 09:45:34

I think you need to focus on the practical, you sound like you have invested alot of money in this man fuckwit Have you protected your investment? I can't understand why a couple would invest in buy to let when they don't live together yet - do you own your own houses?

Loulybelle Sat 30-Mar-13 09:52:05

This relationship will be dead, abortion or not. If you did have an abortion, could you really look at him with the same emotions, because i think you would just see a man, who made you have an abortion.

You need to think long and hard about a long term future with him.

Lueji Sat 30-Mar-13 09:58:31

How much money have you actually invested in him?

Anyway, you know who he is and what you need to do.

So, basically sending hugs. sad

And saying that there are good out men out there. You do have to look at the signs there first.
Please do not let yourself taken advantage of next time.
Firm boundaries.

minx1980 Sat 30-Mar-13 10:19:58

He just text me to say that he wants to see me today but later on , that i have bombarded him with dreadful news this week (Tuesday) that he has only had 8 hours sleep in four nights because he is so depressed. I wish i could get a hug, some reassurance..but i'm alone.. Thanks for all your kind words.

minx1980 Sat 30-Mar-13 10:22:14

Oh we invested in buy to lets to pay for the mortgage on our new one that we are due to move in to at the end of the year. I hope it gets easier to deal with. It's frightening.

Dahlen Sat 30-Mar-13 11:06:47

IF you're going to remove any life from your own, it needs to be the fiancé. I thought only horny 16-year-old boys used the line "if you really loved me you'd..."

He's a psychologically abusive cocklodger.

So sorry you're going through this, but in the few short posts from you I've seen already, you're worth far, far more than him and will cope perfectly well on your own.

AmandaCooper Mon 01-Apr-13 14:44:21

lucyellensmum sometimes good people say bad things in difficult circumstances - particularly where they've had a bit of a shock. From the later posts I'm thinking that's not the case here though OP.

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