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do I go back - not coping on my own

(56 Posts)
rotool Fri 29-Mar-13 21:52:44

I have left emotionaly abusive relationship.
I went to a refuge in January. ex-p started court proceedings to get me back in the area so the children would return to their school and succeeded.
I moved in with a friend with my children whilst looking for a property. I have found a property and have tenancy agreement etc...I have no money as I lost my job when I left to go to the refuge. I have been turned down for a community grant. I get tax credits and have signed on at the job centre but get no money from ex-p and until financial hearing cannot get anything from the house. The new house is unfurnished and I can't move into it as have no beds,sofa etc.
Children have been spending the first part of the holidays with the dad and are coming back to me on Sunday expecting to be in the new house.
I can't stop crying, everything has gotten so hard.
When I went to the refuge I was told I would get so much help but there really is nothing out there.
I have swapped one crap life for another.
He wants me to go back, I don't know what to so, I don't feel as though I have much choice then to go back but I have spent 14 months trying to get away.

HeySoulSister Fri 29-Mar-13 22:05:00

You only look back to see how far you've come.....

Now, sign up for freecycle. See what's on there. Any furniture charity shops locally?

Please, don't go back. The EA will get worse as he'll feel he has complete power over you. Congratulations for having the strength to leave by the way, and stay away for so long. I think you've been treated very unfairly. Are the refuge aware you were turned down, made to move back, etc? Have you been in touch with the CSA?

It's probably the last thing you feel like doing but can you treat your lack of furniture into a kind of camping adventure-type game for the kids? They say kids like cardboard boxes - let them help to make tables, cupboards, etc. And Freecycle/Freegle is your friend. Is there a Community Furniture place near you? also try local churches and food banks. I'm sure people will rally round.

Just don't go back. An empty house full of love is better than a house full of furniture and fear.

HeySoulSister Fri 29-Mar-13 22:06:07

Oh, do you have any connections to the forces? Long shot here

FucktidiaBollockberry Fri 29-Mar-13 22:10:11

Don't go back, you will only be giving him even more power over you and the abuse may well get worse. He's already showing you how determined he is to control you by forcing you to go back to the area where he is.

Can you call the refuge and ask them for links to local charities where you can get hold of furniture etc.?

rotool Fri 29-Mar-13 22:12:10

I have contacted the CSA but he works for his father and his taxable income is so low I will be lucky to get anything. This isn't what he really earns but it's covered up very well.
I just feel so bad for the kids because we have no TV and hardly any toys.

jjgirl Fri 29-Mar-13 22:16:02

When you reply to adds on free cycle don't be afraid to state your circumstances , not everyone gives things to the first person to reply. Some people will genuinely try to help you.
Don't go back. Your life will get better.

cq Fri 29-Mar-13 22:16:24

Whereabouts are you, OP? I have spare stuff.

rotool Fri 29-Mar-13 22:24:48

Nr Cirencester, I can't believe you would do that for me cq

ccsays Fri 29-Mar-13 22:27:33

Have you appealed the community care grant? If not, do so. If you get knocked back again appeal to the independent review service. Very common to get knocked back on the first application. I once applied for one for a woman who was more than deserving, got knocked backed, appealed and got £900. If possible see if you can get some sort of supporting letter from the refugee explaining that you are fleeing domestic abuse. Even if you do get money, appeal for more to the independent review service, you'll often get more and it does no harm to try.

Don't go back, you will get through this flowers

Lueji Fri 29-Mar-13 22:29:19

seconding freecycle.
You can check what's available and post a request.

Remember that all you need is a mattress, really.
The children will need you and your love, plus being away from the emotionally abusive parent.

rotool Fri 29-Mar-13 22:31:35

I have appealed, two weeks ago but I've not heard anything yet. He's ringing me all the time telling me we should make a go of it for the kids sake.
Everything seems so hopeless..

Conina Fri 29-Mar-13 22:35:45

Rotool how old are your DC?

izzyizin Fri 29-Mar-13 22:36:18

It's always darkest before the dawn - hang on in there, honey. I'm nowhere near Wiltshire but I've got loads of 'bits and pieces' I can box up and post to you.

Have you got back to the refuge and told them what's going on - or not, as the case may be?

Chooster Fri 29-Mar-13 22:39:31

If you tried to leave or thought about it for 14months then going back would be such a shame after all the heartache you must have gone thru to get this far. I have some spare toys I can send you, especially if you have any boys?

Appeal the cc grant, 9 times out of 10 they pay out on appeal.

Free cycle all the way, if only you'd posted this a week ago I had bunk beds that went to the tip.

What do you need? I have spare curtains. Home bargains sell wardrobes for £7. My parents own a storage company & have stuff going begging, not good enough to srll but too good for the tip.... I know its not brilliant but better than nothing. Will see if we've got any collections near by.

Budgeting loans/ emergency pay outs... can't remember what they're callef... crisis loans or something?

Also local churches. The church attached to dds school just decorated our house as a comunity project & they said they had loads of furniture donated.

Stick with it. Once your house feels like a home will be worth it I promise.

You've come so far leaving, don't throw it all away xxxxx

rotool Fri 29-Mar-13 22:42:55

I have two boys 7 and 8.5
I have gone through so much, I don't think the refuge can help. I just feel he has everything, the house and everything in it. He's carrying on his life and I have nothing.

mercibucket Fri 29-Mar-13 22:54:58

where are you, op? bet one of us is near and can help

mercibucket Fri 29-Mar-13 22:54:59

where are you, op? bet one of us is near and can help

rotool Fri 29-Mar-13 22:58:11

In between Cirencester and Swindon

EllaFitzgerald Fri 29-Mar-13 22:58:15

You have everything that's worth anything. You have your life back and the freedom from abuse, which is worth a million TVs. If you go back now, he'll grind you down again, telling you that you can't manage without him and there's every danger you'll believe him. You've been incredibly strong, just hang on a little bit longer and things will get easier.

rotool Fri 29-Mar-13 23:02:22

I keep telling myself that I will look back in 6 months time and wonder why I was so unhappy, it's just that even a day seems to take an age to get through at the moment.

Ps, try charties linked to children in need... there's one that provides beds to people in your situation. Xxxx

rotool Fri 29-Mar-13 23:11:01

Thank You everyone.
I'm going to hang on , charity shops a good idea, have just googled the ones near me and have found a couple selling furniture.
It's very hard to stay positive when you feel so low, my emotions go up and down like a yo yo and so it's hard to get things into perspective.

Just remembered - Greggs and I think Community Foundation do hardship grants. Glad you're going to hang on. Your kids will thank you for it one day x

izzyizin Fri 29-Mar-13 23:25:01

"I keep telling myself that I will look back in 6 months time and wonder why I was so unhappy"

The power of mumsnet is such that you'll be looking back in 6 weeks, if not 6 days, time wondering why you were so unhappy at the prospect of moving into your own home - a place where you will be free to be you and your dc can be themselves and you can live without fear.

Help is on the way and in the meantime sign up to freecycle and do please get back to the refuge and let them know you need urgent practical support to get your new home habitable for your dc.

QuintEggSensuality Fri 29-Mar-13 23:35:08

Well done for leaving! smile

Please dont go back. Remember why you left!
Do you have clothes for the boys? Bedding etc? Beds for them to sleep in?

GalaxyAddict Fri 29-Mar-13 23:38:57

I just had a look on Gumtree and in the freebie section in the Swindon area, there are a few sofas, and a mattress. Have you spoken to the local Salvation Army, they may be able to help?

cq Sat 30-Mar-13 00:31:04

Too far away to help with stuff.hmm

But I do a shift in our local charity shop and I know they're open every day over the holiday weekend so no reason why yours wouldn't be.

Def try Salvation Army, I've given loads of stuff to them before so they'd better bloody help you when you need them.

Keep going, baby steps forward - NEVER back.

Keep us posted.

jayho Sat 30-Mar-13 06:58:33

I'm going to Bath to my Ma's today. she's having a clear out as downsizing. I'll see if she's got bedding, curtains towels etc/anything and pm you x

ChompieMum Sat 30-Mar-13 07:22:24

Op can you do a list of what you need? Then anyone nearby with spare things can see what they can help with. I will be passing through on Sunday. Also everyone try to bump so more people will see this.

verity07 Sat 30-Mar-13 07:33:51

A list sounds like a good start.

I found this facebook site For free, Sale or Wanted that's the Cirecencester one but there's a Swindon one too. Over a 1000 members on each so hope that's useful.

baskingseals Sat 30-Mar-13 07:42:13

rotool - you've nearly nearly done it. keep going. look forward.
and bloody well done for getting out it the first place.

wishing you all the good things.

Alwayscheerful Sat 30-Mar-13 07:46:29

Bump. We will all help.

Another one wishing you luck.

Ignore his calls. Keep any comms between you to minimum& about the kids.

The rest will get sorted you'll be amazed what folks have that they don't want to dump but can't sell. Try freecycle in several areas don't buy unless you absolutely have to.

Keep posting for support can do it!

maleview70 Sat 30-Mar-13 07:55:50

"he has everything and I have nothing"

This is not correct at all.

He doesn't have everything because he doesn't have you!

You have one thing that is more important than all the possessions and money in the world.....freedom from abuse.

Goig back to him involves sleeping with him again.....could you really face sleeping with a man you can't stand?

Stay strong and the good times will come again!

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 30-Mar-13 08:02:01

"He's carrying on his life and I have nothing."

You have your freedom. It's tough going and you'll need to dig deep in the face of this onslaught of bullying he's subjecting you to, but he can't take that away. Be strong.... demand help from agencies, call in favours, use every bit of your resourcefulness to get over this temporary hurdle. When you do, you'll gain such confidence from the experience. There will be nothing you can't tackle in future. Whatever you do, don't give in to the bully.

Good luck

Chooster Sat 30-Mar-13 08:09:56

If you are still on here rotool pm me with your details. I have boys around the age of yours and have toys from a clear out and can send to you

samsonthecat Sat 30-Mar-13 08:36:08

I have a kitchen table and some chairs if you would like them. I'm in Malvern but I'd be happy to drive them down to you. How old are your dc? I may also have some toys depending on their ages.
You can do this, you have the power of mumsnet behind you. My decree absolute came last week and I promise that looking back at how hard it was it really is worth it. I am happier now than I have ever been and my dc have a happy mum.
Pm me if you would like the things and good luck smile

BrunellaPommelhorse Sat 30-Mar-13 08:38:11

Op I often have nice boys clothes I can post. I have three sons..!
If you dm me your address we are due a sort out. Are fashionable often barely worn.
I normally iron and pop to the local refuge.

BrunellaPommelhorse Sat 30-Mar-13 08:38:49

Also. Contact your local active church. They'll have loads of help.

Kat101 Sat 30-Mar-13 08:45:47

I am 45 mins away. We have a coffee table going spare. Might have 2 airbeds also. Def have spare towels going free. There is a charity called The Besom based in Witney that will furnish an empty house for you free, try them - they might do or know who covers your area. Citizens Advice Bureau definitely - no-one gets any money first try any more, but the vast majority of appeals are a success. They also have emergency food parcels.

You are not at rock bottom, you are on the way up. Rock bottom was being trapped with an EA man. You have options to start building a better life. It will get better.

TeenyW123 Sat 30-Mar-13 09:33:30

Just bumping. Can't help, sorry. X


anonacfr Sat 30-Mar-13 10:14:54

Same as Teeny but wanted to bump and tell you how brave you are. Your boys are so lucky to have you.

ljny Sat 30-Mar-13 12:49:23

wanted to bump and tell you how brave you are. Your boys are so lucky to have you
^ ^ ^ ^ ^

Too far away to help. wish I were closer. Don't go back, your ex is a pile of shit - sitting in his comfy house while you and the children struggle. Shows what he's like. Hang on in there, honey, this is a bumpy patch - you and the kids will have such a better life without him.

Lovingfreedom Sat 30-Mar-13 12:53:16

Wow...Good thread. OP you see how many people are rooting for you and offering help. Good luck. You can do it!

moonabove Sat 30-Mar-13 13:15:09

Just wanted to say how much I admire you for having the guts to get out. It's only natural to find this phase hard but it won't be forever - in a while you will have made a comfortable loving new home for you and the dc.

Staying with your ex will be a much more long-term misery - what a complete bastard to watch you struggle and try to manipulate you to come back, you were so right to leave him.

Very best luck to you flowers

TimeForMeAndDD Sat 30-Mar-13 13:44:17

I've been where you are OP, I left refuge after four months with nothing, no job, no money, moving into a council house that could only be described as a disgusting hovel. Every single day I used to think about going back to my ex because what lay ahead seemed such a huge thing and impossible to achieve, but every single day I would also tell myself I would 'see how I feel tomorrow' because I knew going back to the abuse would be far worse, living in the hovel with nothing was temporary, it would get better with time and effort, going back to him would have been a life sentence.

Fast forward to now, exactly 3 years later, I have a lovely home, I have a job, a car and a very happy life with my DD. It's not been easy, it's been a bloody hard slog and even I don't know where I found the strength that got me where I am today but I did it, and you can do it too.

Contact your refuge and ask for the floating support that they offer after you leave refuge. Also ask about the Frank Buttle trust who give families in crisis a grant. I got a cooker from them, my refuge sorted all that out for me. Everything else I needed I got as I went along, it took a while but I got there in the end. It's not been easy by any means but bloody hell it's been worth it. Try not to think of the hill you have to climb, just start climbing it, because climbing that hill will lead you to a much better life than going back to your abusive ex.

Loulybelle Sat 30-Mar-13 14:56:18

Starting from the ground up is scary, but starting with your, identity, dignity, and sense of worth, is invaluable.

Your starting again, but atleast what you build on will be yours and your DS's and no one elses.

There are shops, websites, try CAB, anything, get anything you can, you'll make it, just dont be afraid to seek it out.

Crunchymunchyhoneycakes Sat 30-Mar-13 15:14:31

Just want to wish you well, too far away to offer practical help but sending positivity and good wishes your way. Things won't always be as hard as they are today, a day at a time things will get better.

GettingBig Sat 30-Mar-13 15:47:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AddictedtoCrunchies Sat 30-Mar-13 15:51:25

rotool I am in swindon. Tell me what you need.

I have bedding and towels that I can immediately produce and will help you find the rest.

RowanMumsnet (MNHQ) Sat 30-Mar-13 16:39:31


As some of you will know, we like to say on these threads that we do advise all our members to be aware that not everyone on t'internet is who they say they are, and that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Hope things start to look up for you soon, rotool.

foolonthehill Sat 30-Mar-13 16:45:36

BESOM: look for one in your area...they will give a starter pack for a kitchen, curtains, some furniture and some actual real life people will help move stuff, gardening/ decorating etc. according to need.

there is one in Basingstoke, Guildford and Oxford

foolonthehill Sat 30-Mar-13 16:46:36

Stay strong...i think we "met before" will come out the other side of this.

scoobydooagain Sat 30-Mar-13 21:23:52

Can you ask school or any other agency you have contact with to apply to Buttle Trust for you for furnishings. Bethany also can help. Good luck.

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