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Please stop me from contacting him.

(35 Posts)
MostFamousMonkey Fri 29-Mar-13 10:06:08

I've NC for this thread. I apologise for spilling my guts a bit here but I'm in pain and need to get this out. blush

I had to break up with someone I care very deeply about earlier this week. I don't want to go into the details of the break up, suffice to say there is nobody else involved on either side, no DV/EA, etc.

I had to break up with him on the phone due to distance, which was horrid in itself. During the call he was all over the place, understandably, even though I think he was expecting it. He said he loves me and that he will always be there for me, "you know where I am if you ever need me as a friend", but then later in the call he asked me not to contact him, in order to make it easier for him to heal. I had tried to end it several months ago but he made contact after a couple of weeks and we ended up back together.

Ok I'm rambling, sorry.
My problem now is that I am desperate to talk to him because I'm missing him so much. But he's asked me directly to not contact him and I have to respect that. I know that I want to talk him to just alleviate the pain now but it won't be helpful in the long run. So my urge to have some contact, even if it's only a text or email, is very selfish. I do know that I'm just really struggling to not do it. I'm checking my phone/email/twitter every 5 minutes looking for something from him even though he told me he will NOT contact me again.

I need a bit of hand holding, I need a bit of how to heal advice and I need to be told not to contact him because it's not fair on him.

MumOfTheMoos Fri 29-Mar-13 10:15:22

Don't contact him.

The way to do it is to take each five mins, hour, day, night at a time. A bit like going on a diet - give your self rewards for achieving time without contact (if you can afford it retail therapy is great for this - if not, then something like a home pedicure.

Get busy, go and spend time with friends, bake some muffins, deep clean the bathroom - make a list and work your way through it.

You can do this for both your sakes.

MumOfTheMoos Fri 29-Mar-13 10:16:36

Have you managed the last 10 mins, by the way?

Write to him but don't send it. Stay busy. Respect his wishes. Obviously I don't know the details but I do remember the pain of being cheated on then dumped, starting to heal, then plummeting again because he'd seen a film that reminded him of us and he simply had to ring up and tell me about it. Gah.

MostFamousMonkey Fri 29-Mar-13 10:20:21

Moos thank you. Yes I've managed the last 10 mins.
I like your taking it five minutes at a time suggestion. Maybe tomorrow I can do it 15 minutes at a time.

So often when a relationship ends the dumper is seen as a callous pig, but this is agony for me too. I've never had to end something when I've still loved someone before and it's awful.

I think I'll declutter then deep clean the bathroom today. Bloody long BH weekend not helping at all as I've no plans except a bit of work to do.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 29-Mar-13 10:21:09

Agree with getting busy. You need to find things that are absorbing and time-consuming. Be with people rather than being alone. Don't allow yourself time to wallow and obsess. Takes effort but it would be extraordinarily cruel to dump someone and then contact them to alleviate your pain. That's just using them....

MostFamousMonkey Fri 29-Mar-13 10:21:40

tall thanks. I think I'll draft a pen and paper letter, rather than an email, that way I can't just hit send in a moment of weakness.
Bloody bastard technology makes it so much harder to not contact someone !

Lueji Fri 29-Mar-13 10:36:34

Think about it.
If you finish with the guy, and he asks you not to contact him, you will be a bitch if you do contact him.
It's bloody not fair on this man.

HTH smile

dondon33 Fri 29-Mar-13 10:38:51

<Handhold>
I'm going through a breakup at the moment too - so understand how you're feeling.
Like your ex, mine too was a bit all over the place, still is and it's me that wants to end contact (not sure if I want to or can remain friends long term or not) but he's not stopping and I'm a little worried about what will happen if I do it tbh. My point is...I feel like I MUST speak to him at the moment, kind of coach him through the split until he accepts it over - do you want your ex to feel that way about you?

You've ended it for a reason and I'll say the same to you as I've said to my ex - it's so selfish to disregard what the other person has stated they want/need. So in your case- he's asked for NC and it's definitely not fair of you to do it anyway to relieve/please yourself. You KNOW this already.

It's possible he knows it's over this time or he doesn't want to risk speaking, getting back together then potentially splitting again later which you described happened last time. You should respect that, sounds like he's protecting himself, you can't blame him for that.

Contact your friends/family instead, especially over the next few weeks, make a diary or even come and write what you want to say to him on here, anything to stop yourself contacting him.
It does and will get easier and those thought's of 'oh I must tell xxxx that' gradually fade away.

Concentrate on and take care of yourself - you'll get through it, I promise.
((big hugs))

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Fri 29-Mar-13 10:38:58

Talk to us not him.

Cos we's wurf it grin

something2say Fri 29-Mar-13 11:24:41

I find keeping busy is the best thing. Cleaning, good. Decluttering, gooooood. Next stop, get out of the house. Local shops, walk, food shopping for a special recipe, etc. tonight, pyjamas and film and food. He won't ring. You won't ring. This is about how to get through the days. Well done. It's hard but it gets easier. Tomorrow will be easier than today.

MostFamousMonkey Fri 29-Mar-13 12:57:01

Thanks everyone, I knew I could rely on MN smile.

My bathroom is looking better than it has for months, and it's only half done so far.

I think I'm in the Denial part of the stages of grief/loss. I am looking at my phone every 10 minutes (slight improvement because it was every 5 mins an hour ago!) and trying to keep away from the laptop to check email. I've switched email alerts off on my phone for the weekend, but the laptop is still calling me. He TOLD me he wouldn't contact me this time. For the time being at least, I feel stronger about continuing the NC he asked for, although it really hurt me at the time he said it.

I think we both know that the truth is that it's really over this time. And it's final. We live in different parts of the country and I'm never likely to bump into him in Waitrose or at the pub. When previous relationships have ended there's always been that feeling that I hadn't seen them for the last time. But this time I know I'll never see him or talk to him again, that it's absolutely over and done, and that makes it so much harder.

Ok back to the bathroom because I feel myself slipping into a wallow of great magnitude.

Mags11 Fri 29-Mar-13 14:04:57

MFM - I came on to write something so similar but you beat me to it!
My BF of 3 years broke up last weekend and every time I think of this bank hol weekend without him I just get a wave of nausea.

Its so difficult when you still love someone. We finally had to admit that he wants kids and I dont want any more (10 year age gap)

Keep strong. Dont knock yourself out with 'final' thoughts. PM me if you want to chat x

something2say Fri 29-Mar-13 14:50:43

Yes don't think final thoughts, but if they do become overwhelming, lie down and cry. You'll be alright. You never know, when the romance has died away, you could be friends. I am friends with one of my exes and he's a really nice friend to have. But for now, busy busy busy, avoid, be good and don't make contact. You've made the decision, it will stop hurting soon xxx

MostFamousMonkey Fri 29-Mar-13 17:57:11

Mags thanks. I hope you're doing ok today.

something I haven't been able to cry yet and that's bothering me. I feel like I want a huge indulgent sobbing session but although tears will start, they won't flow. I'm sure I'm in denial about this. Probably because this isn't the first time we've broken up. But I do know we can't get back together this time.

I've managed to reduce the obsessive phone checking to approximately every hour now. He actually told me he was going to delete my mobile number immediately we ended the call, so that he wouldn't be tempted to contact me, while asking me to make sure I still had his just in case things ever changed or I needed him as a friend. So I know he is never going to call me but it doesn't stop me checking. I know how irrational this must sound.

I'm a middle aged woman and I can't believe that it can still hurt like this at my age!

MostFamousMonkey Fri 29-Mar-13 18:01:24

Mags did you start a thread? I can't see one.

wannaBe Fri 29-Mar-13 18:03:58

if you love him this much why on earth have you ended it?

Why did you end it?

If it really is the right thing then remember that every time you have contact (before you're over him) you're taking another 'hit' & will only want another one sooner. Cold turkey is usually better than prolonging the pain in these situations, although it hurts more to start with.

Hope you're ok besides this brew

Greatscotty Fri 29-Mar-13 19:38:19

Mostfamous I'm another who's offering a hand-hold.

I'm also middle-aged and IME that matters not a jot when you've made such a difficult decision. I did the same as you a couple of months ago and I've kept NC although it's been hard sometimes.

You sound resolute and ironically I think that makes this stage so much harder. You're dealing with the fall-out alone and know that there's no going back. In my darkest moments the very person I wanted to talk to was him but I knew there was nothing left to say. But it did pass and my thoughts and feelings are now much more on a par, I'm not ruled by sadness and wanting and I know it was the right thing to do, like you do.

I promise this will get better. Keep posting for help here. smile

MostFamousMonkey Sat 30-Mar-13 09:28:46

It's definitely the right thing for both of us, in the long run at least, but it's just getting to that end point that is going to be hard.

Scotty you are of course quite right about the age thing. Yesterday I was feeling like I did when my first love and I broke up. I was 17 again yesterday for a couple of hours! Yes, I'm resolute and it makes sense what you said that it makes this stage harder. In pain, you want your best friend, but that person is no longer your best friend and there's nothing we can say to one another to change things. Thanks for the reassurance that it will get better.
____________
I'm feeling ok today. No desire to contact him today for all of the reasons listed by everyone on the thread. He's a good man and I respect his request for NC.

I woke up feeling a bit grim, but the sun is shining even though it's positively Arctic. Clocks forward tonight, so lighter nights, I think I'll start going out for an evening walk after dinner.
I'm off to the local farmer's market this morning, not sure about the rest of the day.
I need some more friends who live close. I've got people who are at a distance but no good women friends that I can just phone up and say 'do you fancy coming over for a few glasses of wine and some nibbles and a chat tonight?'.
I can feel that I'm ready to think about making some changes to my life, and I think that's the first baby step to getting over this.

Mags11 Sat 30-Mar-13 18:48:42

MFM - glad to hear today has felt better for you.
I didnt post because you were looking for exactly the same support as me - and Ive really benefited from the comments on here.

If you were living a fair distance away did you see him regularly? My BF didnt live with us but I saw him about twice a week. You get so used to phone calls and text messages its like losing a lifeline. I phoned him twice the day after I broke it off but he didnt answer my calls. I was crying in Lidl and he was the only person I wanted to speak to. Ive phoned friends and arranged stuff - not easy when people have got families, but Ive basically forced myself on them!

Keep posting and trust your decision x

MostFamousMonkey Sun 31-Mar-13 19:01:34

Mags I'm glad you've had some benefit from the thread.
We would sometimes see each other all weekend, other times it could be 3 or 4 weeks before we saw each other again. It was like famine or feast for actually spending time together but we used to speak on the phone or Skype at least once a day and we'd email and text during the day and evening too. As you say, with contact like that it's very much like losing a lifeline.
I've managed to stick with no contact, ie not to call, text, email or send smoke signals.I feel like I need to talk to him so much, to see how he is, and I've got so much I still want to say to him. I've drafted some hand written letters and that has helped.
There's a part of me that's saying "if he was bothered by this, he'd have been in touch". That's a very unhelpful thought !
If he hadn't specifically asked for no contact, and I hadn't started this thread, I'd have definitely contacted him by now. sad

How are you doing today?

Mags11 Sun 31-Mar-13 22:41:28

Today has been quite difficult as the boys have been with their dad. Saying that though I have only blubbed once! We would normally have hung out - gone to the cinema, had a pint etc. I sooo miss the casual chatting and cuddles.

But it was starting to eat me up how we werent moving on with the relationship - I didnt want him to move in incase it didnt work, and I was feeling more and more responsible for everything. If the posts on here hadnt said how unfair it would be to contact then I would have too, so youre not alone. What makes me upset is thinking that I was the one to end it but actually its what he wanted and therefore is trying to avoid me so I dont ask him back. Poor bloke cant win - I wonder if blokes do this type of self-indulgent, over obsessive thinking?? smile

Can you go into the reasons why you made the decision? I just think men process and handle their emotions in a different way. Doesnt mean he doesnt care or think about getting in touch. Just that like a previous poster said, it just starts the painful process again. I have no doubt you will get the chance to speak in the future.

boyfromipinema Mon 01-Apr-13 08:15:45

I'm a bloke who was dumped a couple of months ago by a woman I'm still in love with. She made it clear at the time that it was over so I have respected her wishes. I'm also trying to get over her. But there isn't a day that goes by when I don't get an urge to contact her....I miss her dearly. I suppress those urges as she didn't end it in a nice way and I feel I left the door open when she did end it by telling her Ioved her. In my mind the ball is in her court, and I could only ever consider getting back with her if she took the chance on reaching out to me. I'm sure if she was having the same urges as some of you ladies she would have contacted me by now.

MostFamousMonkey Tue 02-Apr-13 08:54:26

Mags the reasons for the decision, well the main one was a big age gap, I'm 12 years older. It didn't matter at first but now we're at different stages in our lives, plus I've just had a birthday ending in 0 and I started to feel different.
The distance was also a problem, plus there are some other smaller issues.
I hope yesterday was better for you than Sunday was.

boy thank you for your post. I've only just seen it but yesterday was very hard to get through, with constant urges to call him. Your reply has helped to strengthen my resolve to respect his wishes again today. I'm sorry your ex didn't end it in a nice way.

MostFamousMonkey Tue 02-Apr-13 08:56:59

Well yesterday was tough. I tried to keep busy.
Was dreaming about him last night and have woken this morning feeling less than great.
Can't help wondering how he is, can't stop thinking "oh I must tell X about...".
I'm thinking about getting away for a few days next month, I'll have to go on my own, but I think a little break will do me good.

MostFamousMonkey Tue 02-Apr-13 09:03:54

Oh and just to add, I've realised over the weekend that there are a few things in my life that I'm not too happy about.
I mentioned lack of friends earlier in the thread. This is something I have to work on because I feel as if I have no RL support - no close family or friends. Plus I'm feeling unsettled and unfulfilled by work. I'm not in a position to make a big career change, due to my age and also I don't know what I'd prefer to do, just know that my job doesn't really challenge or satisfy me.
And I'm struggling with issues around aging, fears about old age, plus the more superficial concerns about looking older etc.

Mags11 Tue 02-Apr-13 21:21:14

Urgh - the heart-sink moment in the morning. And Im not sure which has been worse - the loooooong bank holiday weekend or back at work today.

I am however pleased with myself that I had enough things booked in with friends over the weekend, and that Ive made contact with a couple of other single parents as well as booking a holiday for me and the kids. I did learn this the hard way when the DC dad left me, and it took me a while to realise that you have to be active in making contact with others. Even family and best friends - because no one knows how it feels at that moment except you.

You sound quite isolated MFM - have you not lived there very long? Do you have grown up kids? Its good to take stock of what youre not happy with - but its so bloody difficult to leave your comfort zone. I lost some personal staff notes at work today and I wanted to ring BF and cry! Then my youngest came home and asked where he was so that upset me again.

Can you make contact with some old friends - people that you can be honest with? The different stages in life was a major issue for me too so I completely understand.

MostFamousMonkey Wed 10-Apr-13 10:00:40

Mags sorry I haven't been back to the thread, felt like I was wallowing a bit so I tried to take my mind off things and keep busy with other things.
How are you doing?

MostFamousMonkey Wed 17-Apr-13 09:31:56

So I've been having a few more wobbly days, sad wanting to email him just to say hello. Oddly, I don't feel a desire to call him. I think hearing his voice would just set me back even further.
I miss him a lot. It's now been 3 weeks since we last had any contact and although he's in my mind almost constantly, he feels 'far' from me now, due to the lack of contact.

I just hope he realises that my silence is only because he asked for it, and not because I don't care.

Mags and boy if you happen to read, hope you're both doing ok.

TeenyW123 Wed 17-Apr-13 10:30:09

I'm 12 years older than my DH. Not a problem at all. In the early days I was a bit bothered if he was bothered by other people being bothered about the age gap, and having his baby was always very doubtful because I was 38 when we got together and Downes Syndrome runs in my family - being an older mum increases the risk. We have recently become grandparents to my son from my 1st marriage and despite having absolutely no tiny baby experience, he is the most amazing grandad ever. The age gap to us is nothing. We share most other life goals and values. And he'll be there to change my bag when I'm old and decrepit! ;-)

Teeny

Geeklover Wed 17-Apr-13 11:16:58

Mostfamous, I am 4 months down the line of this emotional roller coaster. It was my first relationship since my marriage ended and I fell so much in love in a way I never have before.
It initially didn't end badly but things went spectacularly tits up during texts and conversations afterwards and he was a total shit in the end.

I still miss him a lot. Still think about him every day but it gets easier. It used to be so hard not being able to send all those little texts and emails about funny stuff. I hated my phone. Hated how it was so easy to contact someone now and so hard to resist the temptation.
It was only 2 weeks ago I woke up one morning and realised that he wasn't the first thing I thought of. That first morning that thought actually made me feel so sad. It seemed so final. I still love him but am less emotional and can see some of the crap bits for what they were now.
I'm still sad my feelings are changing but also glad I don't feel that gut wrenching pain that I used to feel.

I hated everyone that said to me that time was the only thing going to get me through this but it is absolutely true.
Although I have heard that he is coming back to the area to work this month and it's a small town I will bump into him and right now I'm string enough to say easily that I
Don't want to see him not sure it'll be so easy face to face.

MostFamousMonkey Wed 17-Apr-13 11:45:35

Glad it worked out for you both Teeny. Age differences can certainly work, I think it just depends on what stage of life each of you is at.

Geeklover thanks so much for your post. It's helpful to know that others are going through the same thing, albeit at different stages of the process.
Agree about time! It is the only thing that will make it easier, but it seems to be passing so slowly. It's only been 3 weeks and feels like months.
I'm lucky that we live a long way from each other so I know I won't bump into him - wishing you luck for when that happens, I imagine your stomach will be churning like mad. But you'll get through it.

boyfromipinema Wed 17-Apr-13 11:57:50

I've been broken up nearly 3 months.
Still think about her constantly and miss her like mad.
I'm still in love with her even though she hurt me badly.
But I won't contact her, and haven't since she dumped me.
I have my pride, and she doesn't care about me and doesn't love me.
I just keep telling myself that.

boyfromipinema Wed 17-Apr-13 12:11:58

Truth be told I'm not over her yet. But I will be and I'll be stronger for it. :-)

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